I wrote these two bits today. I don't know if you would consider them poems or not. I wrote what I was feeling at the moments I wrote them, so they don't really have much of a flow/meter/rhythm, whatever. Enjoy them anyway.

The Boy In The Chair

The boy in the chair
He sits over there
As we all gawk and stare
He sits without a care
With thoughts he cannot share
The boy in the chair

Tomorrow

Happening to be happy on a rather gloomy day
But compromising in the end always leads one way
It's never the words from the night before
But usually events behind closed doors
Events not seen
Events not heard
Events not spoken
Events that only one can identify
Melancholy mornings, despondent days
Terms that felt like puzzle pieces now just puzzle more
Terms we once used yeterday now just seem like lore

Ehhh

Ehhh? What is Ehhh? :p

:em321:

Since SAJN (haha, that's still your name as far as I'm concerned) commented on several of my poems back in the day, I feel obliged to comment:

1) The Boy In The Chair

I will say flatout that this poem feels somewhat contrived, has poor rhythm, and showcases a very trivial and redundant subject. Oops, I was meant to say positive things...

Don't worry, I'll save that for the next one.

2) Tomorrow

I actually quite liked this. Some of the rhymes are contrived (in particular "lore" in the last line, but heck, I struggle with this all the time in my poetry), but I really like the substance of the message. Definately a lot more going on than in the previous poem.

I think the strength of the poem lies in its theme, and the middle content of the poem (from "It's never the words" to "despondent days"), but everything before and after that seems forced and repetetive. I dunno, it's hard to put my finger on it.

However, if expanded and revised, I think you could make something quite decent out of this. I'd love to hear of your inspiration for it, and your itended meaning.

I wrote "The Boy In The Chair" while I was at work. This young guy (Maybe 20 - 22?) comes in sometimes with his brother, who looks like he's maybe half his age. His brother is strapped into a wheel chair, and he looks so helpless. He just looks forward all the time, mouth ajar, eyes wide open, thick glasses. He never speaks or moves. It's kind of depressing. This kid lives live being pushed in a chair, unable to move, speak, anything. So I wrote a really short poem about what I felt.

"The boy in the chair
He sits over there
As we all gawk and stare"

People like him are for lack of a better analogy like train wrecks. We can't help but gawk and stare. We feel bad, but at the same time we are intrigued.

"He sits without a care
With thoughts he cannot share
The boy in the chair"

The poor kid might have tons of thoughts going through his head at any moment, tons of feelings he wants to express, but he can't. He will NEVER be able to express himself. It's depressing.


I wrote "Tomorrow" during my math class. I was in a good mood the entire day, but for some reason, I got to math class and it was raining outside, and everyone in class seemed tired, I started to feel gloomy and down for no reason. Eventually I realized, I had no reason to be gloomy, but I still felt it.

"Happening to be happy on a rather gloomy day
But compromising in the end always leads one way"

You can try and convince yourself to be happy, but if you're feeling gloomy and sad, nothing you say to yourself can convince you otherwise. You can try and act happy, but inside you know something isn't right.

"It's never the words from the night before
But usually events behind closed doors
Events not seen
Events not heard
Events not spoken
Events that only one can identify"

When we start to feel depressed and gloomy, it usually isn't because of something someone said to us, it's something we can't really describe. Sometimes we are the happiest people in the world, but that can change in a matter of seconds. We don't know why though. Sometimes we just feel off or different one day.

"Melancholy mornings, despondent days
Terms that felt like puzzle pieces now just puzzle more
Terms we once used yeterday now just seem like lore"

Sometimes we have bad mornings/days and during the day it seems to make sense to us. We get pissy for no reason, but we think we know why. Usually by the end of the day you become in a better mood, and suddenly, you can't even remember why you were angry or sad in the first place. Just as suddenly as you went into depression, you jumped out of it. Suddenly, depression means nothing to you. It's nothing but yesterdays feelings.

Sorry for the late response, but I wanted to reply to your long analysis.

The analysis really helped my enjoyment of the poem. I still am not very fond of the first, but the 2nd I am quite keen on. I think it could be SO much better with some different words though. I'm not going to rewrite the poem or anything, I just feel like it might either be better without rhyme or with a different mix of rhyme and non-rhyme. The message is a beautiful and realistic problem that many people face, and I feel like I can very strongly relate to it. Maybe if the message was clearer, through either more short/concise or long/descriptive exposition, the reader would come away with a greater sense of satisfaction.