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ForumsShowcase → A Short Story
A Short Story
2006-06-24, 5:56 PM #1
Quote:
It all happened very fast. The long, snaking roots of an oak sent me thudding to the ground, slicing my leg against its coarse, dark wood. I was running again before the blood could stain the forest floor, and only the moonlight saw the trickling trail of crimson creeping down my leg.

My run was faster now, more desperate, but more clumsy. I didn't feel the pain, but I knew it was there, hiding inside me, killing me. The forest grew darker as my heart grew fainter. I was still running, still feeling, but dying. Another, deeper wound was imbedded in my side, etched there by the fire of that which was chasing me, that cruel, intolerable shape of death, it's yellow eyes glaring through the misty shadows of the woods. As it grew closer, I could feel it's loud, roaring temper breathing down my spine, filling every hair of my trembling body with a fear colder than the icy rivers of the woods.

I tripped again, but stumbled on, desperate now, manic, wild! I longed for life so much, just as it slipped away with each droplet of my blood. The creature was relentless, it didn't trip or fall, it only shook and growled as it climbed over ravines and ripped through the bushes, shattering limbs and throwing mud out of its way.

I knew it couldn't last, but it felt like it had already been an eternity. How much longer now? I didn't know if I wanted to die or run, but I ran anyway. My heart raced faster than my slender legs and my coat glistened with my blood, spilled by a monster who never tired, never stopped.

I felt the soothing ferns massage my aching feet, but pain soon shot into me once more, filled my body with agony, excruciating fire ripping through my limbs, then a numbness, a soft, chilling numbness.

I lay on the forest floor, the sparkling moon watching me as I breathed slowly, sadly. The monster lay beside me now, motionless as the forest. It's yellow eyes dimmed just as my mind slipped away, lost in a sea of night.

The End.
My JK Level Design | 2005 JK Hub Level Pack (Plexus) | Massassi Levels
2006-06-25, 1:24 AM #2
Wow. Excellent description; I could feel those yellow eyes following me. For some reason I imagined a slightly smaller, faster version of a Kell Dragon. :v:

You're a great writer! :)
2006-06-25, 2:15 AM #3
Yeah, I liked it, too. And I guess there's something more behind it, yes? Why would the monster suddenly lie on the ground? Strange...yellow eyes that dim? Maybe a machine? Is it an animal that's being hunted by a hunter in a jeep? No that doesn't make sense...a jeep cannot lie on the ground.
"Häb Pfrässe, süsch chlepfts!" - The coolest language in the world (besides Cherokee)
2006-06-25, 6:37 AM #4
Originally posted by zagibu:
Yeah, I liked it, too. And I guess there's something more behind it, yes? Why would the monster suddenly lie on the ground? Strange...yellow eyes that dim? Maybe a machine? Is it an animal that's being hunted by a hunter in a jeep? No that doesn't make sense...a jeep cannot lie on the ground.

From the animal's perspective it might.... ;)
My JK Level Design | 2005 JK Hub Level Pack (Plexus) | Massassi Levels
2006-06-25, 8:32 PM #5
Who knows....it's up to the reader, I suppose. Writing is a world of eternal possibilities. ;)
2006-06-27, 8:56 AM #6
Nitpick: the posessive form of it is its, without an apostrophe.
2006-06-27, 1:45 PM #7
Cool scene. I was kinda hoping your murderous creature'd be a metaphore for something, though. But oh well.
幻術
2006-06-27, 3:50 PM #8
I kinda didn't like the cadence of your adjectives ("the [adj1], [adj2] [noun]") because of the repetition. You did it a little bit in your general prose too.

Imagery is good, and tone/style is enough to keep someone's attention .. some of the similes/description seemed a bit too pronounced / not subtle enough / a tiny bit forced, but in general it's pretty good.

following what I did during the "poems" fad I'm going to go write a short story of my own right now :ninja: (actually I've been writing quite a bit lately but i wouldn't be happy posting any of the stuff)
一个大西瓜
2006-06-27, 3:59 PM #9
Post! Post away, Pommy!

How can we critique you otherwise?
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.
2006-06-27, 6:44 PM #10
Originally posted by Pommy:
I kinda didn't like the cadence of your adjectives ("the [adj1], [adj2] [noun]") because of the repetition. You did it a little bit in your general prose too.

Imagery is good, and tone/style is enough to keep someone's attention .. some of the similes/description seemed a bit too pronounced / not subtle enough / a tiny bit forced, but in general it's pretty good.

following what I did during the "poems" fad I'm going to go write a short story of my own right now :ninja: (actually I've been writing quite a bit lately but i wouldn't be happy posting any of the stuff)

You bring up good points. I will mention however that this "short story" was written in about 20 minutes, straight from my mind to the keyboard, with minimal editing. I probably would have changed some of it had I gone over it several times and edited out any redundancies or unessentials. I decided to write something spur of the moment and post it, I'm erratic like that.... :psyduck:

Anyway, like Sarn, please post some of your stuff! :)
My JK Level Design | 2005 JK Hub Level Pack (Plexus) | Massassi Levels
2006-06-27, 6:47 PM #11
I did :p tried not to hijack your thread tho
一个大西瓜
2006-06-27, 7:28 PM #12
Originally posted by Pommy:
I did :p tried not to hijack your thread tho

Oh, I see it now. You might see something else as well... >_>
My JK Level Design | 2005 JK Hub Level Pack (Plexus) | Massassi Levels

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