And I don't give a flying ****.
PS: If it gets you to watch the video, there's Sex Appeal at the end. My girlfriend is hot AND strong.
[Language Warning]

****in' A, man. I laughed out loud several times.

WE KICK BUTT!

i kinda wanna cut your penis off.

good job.

I ended up getting two 9s and an 8 for that poem, and ended up taking second to a drunk/high jewish kid who was more entertaining to laugh AT than I was to laugh WITH. I always get beat by the drunk guy who studders out bad ironic poetry.

Holy crap kirb, you kick ***!

You're missing the point delphian, my girlfriend is HOT.

That was awesome Kirby. I wuv woo.

Dude, your girlfriend is hot!

Also, while good, I recognized a lot of your material from other stand-up and the like. Props for doing it in poem form though.

Are you serious? I didn't get any of that from anyone EXCEPT the line "How can you trust something that bleeds but doesn't die?"

I also want to try a new comedy piece on you: (WIP)

I got a job at the national bank of commerce because my part time just wasn’t paying the bills.
I mean, the benefits are great.
I don’t have to wait in line at Disney Land
Or even be drafted
I’ll never have to do time for any crime
And I don’t even have to walk-
But being a professional crippled doesn’t pay as well as you’d think.
600 dollars doesn’t fare well when it comes to paying for college,
So I got a job working at the National Bank of Commerce.

They really liked my resume, I mean come on
If you don’t give a crippled a job,
You’re obviously prejudice.
My credentials basically consist of a size 42 font
“I’m 3 feet tall, and I use a wheelchair.”
I’ve only ever been turned down for one job:
Being black.
I’m working on that, because I hear police brutality
Lawsuits pay big.

Anyway, I get this bona fide Einstein idea.
I’m saying this **** came like Ron Jeremy in Jenna Jameson: Hard.
Like white people came to America: By force.

The idea is that there’s a whole problematic group of people
That money really hasn’t caught on with:
The homeless and the poor.

You know WHY we can’t sell money to these people?
Because we aren’t marketing it!
Think about it,
Since men are the supreme race
All we need is to market money to them!

For years and years and years, there’s always been some
Old
Fat
Dead
Rich
Ugly
Male
President
On American money!
At the same time, there’s always been people who don’t have it!
Coincidence? **** no.

So what I suggest to my board of directors
Is that we take the one thing that is guaranteed to sell:
Sex.
And put it on money.

Kiera Knightly on the 100 dollar bill
Wearing a string bakini,
Mounting a brass pole
While a cascading flow of beer soaks her luscious breasts.
The words “In the marketing of women, we trust.”
The other side, instead of having a monument and some ****ing Latin on it
Will have a big *** SUV. A ford, perhaps? One with rims, and those lights
That light up the ground under the car.

It’d have anti-counterfeit technology too
Because if you hold the bill up to the light
You can see Kiera’s nipples watermarked,
Confirming its legitimacy.

Angelina Jolie is our 1000
We’d have Elisha Cuthbert on the 50
****in Hale Barry on the 20
That really hot Asian chick on the 5
And Paris Hilton on the dollar bill, because she’s cheap.

Yeah. I laughed. Alot.

Well done.

To tell the truth, it was mostly that line that caught my attention as material I had heard -- it's likely the rest was just "familiar" (I watch a LOT of Comedy Central...) If you'd like I can listen to it in more detail, but it's unlikely I'll find any material of yours to be like the one line. That, and I'd be wanting to just skip to the end to see the hotness of your girlfriend. 'sides, the whole "bleeding and doesn't die" thing is damn funny, and even though I recognized it, I didn't feel like you were "ripping off" from it.

Also, your new bit you just posted rocks. Reminds me of Carlos Mencia's stuff (which I like a lot).

I wanna **** your girlfriend, kirby.

That was annoying.

Bump!

That was bloody well awesome, kirby. Although I kinda wish you gone ranting more than just reading the paper. I just get a kick outa people just going off on tangents.

I can attest to this fact

If I ever decide to dump my girlfriend by writing her a letter, please remind me that you can write it for me. That was ****ing brilliant.

uhh.. Kirbs, I couldn't hardly understand that. But I bet it was funny... :p

Transcript?

Anti-Feminists

So I was drunk like I get sometimes when I’m sober
And I replied to Sarah between sips:
“You must not have gotten the memo, *****!
The government no longer requires you to inform us when you’re having your period!
What if we have issues, ok?
What if I’m having cramps?
What if I want to eat chocolate covered avocado casserole ice-cream out of the box?
What if I feel like telling you how I feel?
What then, baby maker?
Wallet taker!
Food baker!
Orgasm faker!
I have been meaning to tell you this for a long time:
No, those jeans don’t make you look fat.
But your upper lip needs to be waxed!
Face the facts-
If man was intended to listen to your *****ing,
I don’t think alcohol would even exist!
Sometimes I ask myself how I can even
Trust a creature that bleeds from an ever-open wound
But doesn’t die. Besides surviving a fatal wound,
You seem to assume that it makes you better than me!
See, being free from cramps and late night snack-needs
I see things clearly. That means you need to listen to me when I say that
Today is the last day that I will take your crap.
I understand you’re in pain and you’re having a bad day,
But men didn’t do that to you!
What scares me is that’s news to some of you!
Stop blaming the male race for your unfair place in life.
Feminists are sore losers, in fact:
Screw Rosa Parks, Screw Helen Keller, Screw Marilyn Monroe, Screw Eleanor Roosevelt, Screw Erin Brockovich and Screw Barbara Streisand!
Let the men roar.
Hail John McEnroe! Hail Peter Griffon! Hail Darth Vader! Hail Bill Clinton! Hail Jack Black! Hail Teddy Roosevelt! And Hail Homer ****ing Simpson!”

Sarah, sitting across from me,
only slightly tipsy from her 3 glasses of wine simply sighs
And lets me have my ego.

I rock- because I carry my boyfriend.

And I agree with all of that.

We're awesome.

On the 'morrow, genk.

I have determined why your penis is still attached to your body, and it is one or more of the following reasons:

1. The women didn't take offense because you're a midget.
2. The women did take offense, but felt pity for you because you're a midget.
3. The women did take offense, but knew there would be backlash if they assaulted a midget.
4. The women just didn't take offense (hahahaha).

couldn't see your girlfriend very well at the end. well, except for her ***.

There's a shot of her boob right there at the end, I believe.



I'm sorry kirby, but I just had to say it.

She's hot, I understand.

Where does someone sign up for the Kirby fan club? I want a button or something expressing his genious