A dead soldier is worth his weight in oil
Or so I've heard
We stand for the free, united
As Uncle Sam points us towards the sun
We can't help but stare
As your campaign trail is run
On the yellow ribboned ballots
The same ballot that promises
Benjamin, Jefferson, and Grant
Although it never specifies how much
Yellow ribbon is needed to save your sons
It promises us a life without war
As long as we fight one last time
When the earth cries we weep with joy
And when our sons cry we weep with joy
Because one way or another
Benjamin, Jefferson, and Grant
Never miss a payment
And as long as the sun never sets
We can continue to stand, united and blinded
Just the way we like it

Deep

why hasn't the price of gas dropped because of our war for oil? another conspiracy?

eh... this poem is pretty awkward.

er..it's not a good poem. It's awkward at best.

it's an awkward poem

This poem needs more cowbells.

oh god, how awkward is it that three people have posted the word 'awkward' in this thread? awkwarrrrrrd.

The awkwardness is unbelievable.

Almost as awkward as a girl trying to get around that nose for a kiss.

(Not that that would happen, mind you.)

(:awesome:)

This poem isn't awkward at all. I think you people do drugs.



Thanks for stating that as if it were fact.

I appreciate all the feedback I'm getting from people. This is fantastic! I've never come across such an honest group of people willing to give their opinions. [/sarcasm]

^

someones bitter

It is a little awkward. Maybe you could read it and record yourself reading it?

And I'm pretty sure I've heard this poem before. Oh, it was at every poem reading that a 16 year old can be dropped off at. When are you going to get over basic dislike for the war and have something to actually say about it?

And it's fine, the message of the poem, that is, but it. is. awkward. You think 3 or 4 people who notice that are all confused? Apparently we're all confused by the same thing, and the source of this confusion must be the poem because we didn't get together beforehand and all decide to post the same thing.

Why not say, hmm, perhaps there's a chance it IS awkward, sit down, read it, and figure out what it is? Sure, maybe we could have been a bit more helpful, but telling you it feels/sounds awkward is some help.

You just want to hear us say we like it.

Wait, people do not like your poem, so the only logical explanation is that they are wrong? What kind of retarded fantasy world do you live in?

I assume this is some sort of freestyle poem, but a complete lack of flow and obscenely convoluted wording is not what making freestyle poems is all about. There is a certain amount of freedom you can have when making such a freestyle poem, but I think you take it too far.

Malus said it. Even if it's freestyle, there needs to be some order...there are some rules to follow. Perhaps break it up into stanzas as it's easy to trail off while reading it. In this poem, I think that break is essential. Also, the first two lines are what really makes the poem awkward (to me.) Starting out stating that and then going into Uncle Sam...it really throws the whole poem off. "Benjamin, Jefferson, and Grant" is also kind of strange in there as you're not really relating them to anything - although it does not bring the awkwardness of the first two lines. "Benjamin, Jefferson, and Grant/Never miss a payment" now that says your relating these names to money...which is completely unclear the first time you use it, the other time seems as you are relating it to the ballots.

Actually, now that I wrote all of the above, I think the main problem lies with the organization of the poem as well as the topic. First you talk about soldiers so the reader thinks it's a poem about them. Then we go off talking about the US, so it's a poem about American's view of their soldiers. And then we go into stuff about elections and it starts to get more skewed and the spotlight is taken off the initial focus of soldiers. Then bam...some former presidents' names and we're back with soldiers. Do you see how that is a bit confusing?

Hopefully that helps. Honestly, I didn't like the poem, but then again, it's unusual for me to like poetry.

That was absolutely dreadful.

Hurr it's a war for oil!

record a recital!

tony wants to hear it as much as i do.

Thirded.

Free verse poems should rely on good imagery, of which this poem has none.

It leaves nothing to the imagination, there is nothing to interpret, you could have just written "war sucks lol" and it would have been better and more to the point.

Theres no flow, in poetry (at least how I've learned it) one uses commas, periods, (semi) colons, and the like to dictate to the reader where pauses and stresses are when you're reading the poem, without them, it becomes a messy collection of words that the reader must guess at, and more likely than not, get to wrong. Now I need to attend a funeral for my good friend punctuation....

Also to note, I really liked the first two lines but then I feel it takes off in a completely different direction, then another (and possibly another depending on if you consider revisiting a new area later in the poem another change in direction) and it has no purpose. *shrugs*

He's writing in free verse.

Which is a really GREAT but very difficult style to utilize properly.

Lately it's become the lazy fool's tool to write poetry, which is giving it a bad name.

Seriously. It's terrible, but you can't admit it to yourself because you absolutely cannot live with the fact that you are not some radical, deep, poetic genius. The real world consensus: you suck.


Yeah. All you did is throw **** together, then when people complain, you go, "You just don't get me, maaaan!"

The inane poems from Grim Fandango make more sense:

Ashes to ashes
...to ashes
to ashes...
...to ashes
to ashes...
...to ashes
to ashes...
to ME...
...to ashes
to ashes...
...to ashes
to ashes...

Or, my personal favorite:

The End.

I think poets try too much to be like musicians. Try to write something timeless instead of something controversial (of which people are already tired of hearing about).

Somehow managing triteness without any pedantry, SAJN_Master once again robs the artwork from poetry. This poem flows about as well as the subject matter.

These would be better music lyrics. Perhaps overlaid on top of death metal, or some other music where you can't really hear the whiny social commentary of a man-child who has never gone outside his own state over the electric guitars.


I wonder how many people need to tell SAJN_Master that he sucks at writing poetry before he gets it. The only people who seem to like it are functionally illiterate SoaD fans on myspace.

Well, you succinctly summed up my thoughts in a way that I originally felt was too brash to convey publicly. Nice! I definitely agree that the lyrics in SoaD's music is not really as eloquent or thought provoking as the fans think it is.

It's awkward because you change it from free verse to trying to maintain a rhyme and rhythm, which doesn't work. You either have to stick with one or the other all the way through.

And I present the ten minute spook interpretation.

So she was layin', by the wayside
Wonderin', was it time to decide
Her man had drawn low, and now is gone
She just wants to know if he's a pawn

Because baby you see, when she drove
To the store, to build a treasure trove
Of memories, memories of them
That's when she spilled his blood, oh right then

So when she drives her, little white car
It really depends on, just how far
That's two nine nine a gallon, of his blood
And that's his heart, stopping with a thud

But that just ain't the half of it, see?
Somebody think they can take me
And her and you too, you just don't know
Cus they are puttin on, quite a show

All those old presidents, they stare right on out
Cus your vote, and my vote, don't carry no clout
But get along now darling, cus theres still hope
We haven't quite hung ourselves yet, no rope!

Because that sad, sad lady with the bright light
Says, "if we try hard enough, come children we might
Get back, and get back to where we once belong
We've got a whole lot of right, to go along"


The point is, Mr. VVD, I am not very good at writing poetry because I don't practice. People told me that my poems were pretentious, obnoxious and out there. So I try to keep a more concrete structure. Also, see all the commas? I really don't know if they are awkward or not because I have the rhthym of a song stuck in my head, so I'll have to read them constantly. But still, that's how you convey the timing you had in your head, is with punctuation, even if I misused it.

If you want to get better, when someone says they don't like something, sit down, take a serious assessment in the third person, and work on it.

I really doubt you'll learn anything from this because I'm not very good, but a little humility will help you as an artist a lot.

EDIT:Also metaphors are cool to use, if you just come out and say things people will get bored. It's like, when you're with a lady, are you just gonna come right out and say "wanna ****"? I mean, if she's a slut and you're just in it for the sexing, that's cool, but lets say you're trying to romance her. That's really what you're doing with art, trying to romance people, get them into your world. So yeah.