Long grass, waves splash, a warm morning dew
I love to smell the tulips, I'll take a rose, in lieu
Quiet walk, long nap, we'll take all afternoon
But I promise you, with all these things, it'll bee too soon

I love to climb a mountain, two just adds the fun
I can't resist a cave, so deep you're never done
Ooh don't you want to join me, I know just what to do
Go to all the right spots, it'll be lots of fun for you!

I also like to work the field, could do it all day long
with my hands in the dirt, nothing feels so wrong
Keep pushing that plow between the rows
This is what I love, I know it really shows

I love the world, all the parts there are
I'll go, now you know just how far
You really, really oughta know;

Baby you're the world to me.


The meter is kind of loose, because I wanted it to be kind of wordy, not very minimal (in sound, if I try to make it fit within a really set meter my poetry always sounds kind of wonky and robotic to me).

Someone said I couldn't write a love poem, or more accurately, a sex poem, that didn't seem like one until you read the whole thing and thought about it for a minute. I like to think that innocent people will think this is sweet and people like me will read it and just giggle quietly. I think the cave line might throw the former possibility out the window though...

Really the only crit I want is how innocent you thought it was until you realized. I'll probably rework it as I have been playing with a guitar part and want to turn it into a fun jazz/blues ballad thingy.

But go ahead and rip apart the form too!

...is this a sajn master parody?:psyduck:

I guess only I will know.

Hey... this is pretty good. It's lighthearted, simple, and not overly ambitious in its intent. I didn't think 'sex poem,' but when I read "all the right spots", I did think "hmmmm." Because of how strict your rhyme scheme is, and how you tried to keep the same rhythm throughout, it shows that you had trouble fitting your ideas in there... IMO. The last line is nice, because it is literally suggestive of the 'hidden meaning' but could stand alone without meaning that.

What's with the Over the Hills and Far Away, eh?

Ooh, and now I just noticed that you said you don't want crit My bad...

I do like it, in general... And it did seem fairly innocent, honestly. Perhaps I'm just dense

Haha, no, crit is fine, I am always looking to improve. I just knew that since everyone is going to pick it apart anyway, I had to MAKE SURE they saw that I wanted to know if it was innocent sounding.

Thanks though!

It is a little rough around the edges, but otherwise it is pretty good. I actually didn't get the allusion until I read the rest of your post.

Sweet! I did just jot most of it down in my moleskine earlier today, and just "rounded it out" here, but I'm glad the concept is working out. I'll have to think about how to improve it.

Well, it's no Victim Ham Dork, but it's nice. Agreed about the needing the rest of the post to make sense.

oh man i almost died halfway through that poem! great stuff

seriously though funny business aside, that is actually a really decent poem.

i just now realized how badly this thread makes me want to have sex with you...

TBH, I thought it was a sex poem on the second stanza. But perhaps that's due to the fact that I've written something like that myself (in Russian, though).

reading it for (what I didn't realize was the) second time, it's pretty obvious.

I found myself absent-mindedly stroking it by the third line.

YWFTI

You are pretty much the last person I would have expected to be a poet.:D