A small practice in alliteration and style. This is a story of how the earth knew it's own destruction was coming, and what we did to take it's gift. Each line ends with the first letter of the next line until the break and then it starts over. The story needs a bit of tuning. I showed a few friends, only a few of them understood the story without me telling them on the first read. On the other hand, I don't want to make it so obvious that it's a children's book.

The story tells the story from both sides. Nature vs. Human. I tried to use the breaks to make the words I want stick out more.

Also, I know I suck at taking criticism, I'm sorry, I'm working on that. Maybe you guys could also work on what you consider constructive criticism (i.e. "This poem is emo and you suck. Also you fail at writing, go fall in a ditch and die.)

[CENTER]What The Green Can See

The

Trees tower over the fog,
Full of fury from the wind,
While the white waves wash the main,
Murmuring amongst the mountain peaks.

Green

Grass is gone from grazing fire,
Following the flames from the sky,
Slowly soaring past the sun's view.

Could

Clouds collide into the cold earth,
Erupting either of the ends of light?

See

Someone smell the scent of it...

Gold[/CENTER]

I don't get it.

Hm, I like the complex rhyme scheme.

If someone read your poem out loud it would make no sense. I don't like poems that choose formatting at the expense of other qualities because the poem is then bound to a single medium.

People will not notice the progression and the breaks feel completely unnatural because your alliteration is muddled and protracted.

I don't get what gold has to do with it.

and yet it is still much better than alot of published works ive seen...:confused:

really?

care to give some examples of published poetry you've read?

Clouds collide into the cold earth

is the only line I like, but I really really like it.

This isn't bad at all, but you're still not writing like a reader. This is fantastic practice writing. Don't post another poem without sound.

That's the part of the poem I am trying to make more clear. The gold is what we took from nature and nature saw it coming. This is where I need to re-write a bit, because the poem to be understood in full needs to be read three times. Once just using the single words in the breaks. Once using the main stanzas, and once all the way through like a regular poem.



I agree, that's another problem with it. It's more of a poem to be read over, not really read aloud. I'm trying to balance substance and style, I think messing with the format and punctuation will help, but I want to try and not re-word too much of it.

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This is one of the ways to make the breaks less awkward, but it also takes away the double meaning in the poem. When read aloud it has more of a flow, but when read, it seems too complex and confusing.

The trees tower over the fog,
Full of fury from the wind,
While the white waves wash the main,
Murmuring amongst the mountain peaks.

Green grass is gone from grazing fire,
Following the flames from the sky,
Slowly soaring past the sun's view.

Could clouds collide into the cold earth,
Erupting either of the ends of light?

See someone smell the scent of it...Gold

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I also considered moving around some punctuation to further the double meaning

"Murmuring amongst the mountain peaks. Green grass..."

"Murmuring amongst the mountain peaks green grass."

But that messed up other sentences, and would just force people to read over the poem more times that I think people should have too.

It's far better than the usual drivel. It still doesn't strike me very well though.... Maybe it just seems like it's struggling so badly to be metaphorical. It's either that or you're really starting to go all Greenboy on us.

I really liked it; definitely one of the better amateur poems I've read on teh internets. The word-breaks work very well. I'd change Gold to Smoke though.