VIDEO FROM TONIGHT



I've been working on a poem for an open mic on monday, and I figured I'd take the advice and fire and bitterness associated with my poems and use it to massage and invigorate my writing.

WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT. NOT APPROPRIATE FOR ANYONE.


Life most certainly started before me, considering my family consists of more than just me. I suppose it started when my father was f***ing my mother creating my brother. And even if you believe in the stork, no doubt he corked my mother because if you think that babies are born without a lover, or a broken rubber, your living in another world.

The fact that medical regulation prohibits birds dropping babies and requires that relation for creation of man is ireelavent. But even if the reason I was born was from love or from porn, its no difference to me, it's all semen in the end, cooking eggs after that one night stand that withstands all odds to form another human life, with your "on purpose" or "accidental" wife. From a sperm to a germ to a living breathing organism, regardless of if she orgasmed, I'm here, now and loud, and wanting that substance to grow and run, and grow old until I can have some fun and make my own baby bun.

But that doesn't mean that romanticism and jizzum always have to be one and the same. Just because today's MTV generation of love consists of waking up on the lawn with a confused and drunken yawn, with a tongue piercing and a pain in your *** that makes you roll over on the grass to see an arm around your side to realize its your friend, saying 'Awesome man, now lets do it again with me in the end' doesn't mean that love can't still withstand and become this grand night with the moon, where you disregard those sheep and fall asleep on your own damn will because your just so f***ing happy with this woman by you're side.

And even if I lied, it doesn't mean I can't stride to make the best out of my life, to settle down and find a wife, to make love, and go beyond and above to transform into something we all aspire to become. Haha, come.

To create a bond between two people that doesn't involve dried ejaculate, to commit without having to transmit your spit, and all that s**t. That's what love is all about.

And even if you can't bring back a romantic time, at least walk the fine line between defying and relying on sex to put you in a vex over that one in a billion living two houses down who just so happens to be the one you want to crown and call your queen until Christine walks by and- oh wait there's Kathleen who just broke up with Eugene, and of course you can't forget Sharleen, I mean it all seems serene until you step back and realize your routine is obscene when you reach girl number seventeen on your mile long list of perfect women.

If we stopped thinking of sex as being so grand and stopped to understand that even the T-Rex had a big bang in the forest with a random brontosaurus, then why does that make us so damn unique for pulling off this technique that even the greek thought was so meek that they practiced it on sheep by the bathhouse while their spouse looked on amused as their husbands used God's creatures to enjoy as if they were nothing more than a cotton covered sex toy.

But that isn't to say we should practice love without passion, just that we should all ration out the compassion to cash in on a drunken night of skin to skin that we too often indulge in. Finding love in lust is a conundrum that makes us look dumb when we succumb to that bottle of rum and wake up with a someone.

So instead of spending all your time inside her, try to walk beside her for a day, and buy her dinner, and a bouquet, and do all that stuff you know is cliche just so you can say 'I love you today and I'll love you forever and ever, however, and wherever you are.'

Thank you.

you're

I think the concept is kind of stupid, but that's not really my business. As for the execution, it all seems extremely forced. Extremely.

The rhymes are pretty trite, but I think if you have good delivery, it could be received well. I think the topic is juvenile.

Love and sex are wicked juvenile. I'll have to work on that.

You can't take any kind of criticism at all, can you?

How do you know I wasn't being serious and taking your crit? Unless of course you realize that there's nothing kiddish about love.

As for the actual critism, how would you improve the rhyme scheme and still convey the same message? It's going to be read at a million miles a second, so I can't do anything too complex for fear of tripping over my own tounge.

You force a lot of rhymes just for the sake of rhyming. Good spoken poetry doesn't sacrifice itself to the rhyme. You tend to attach catch-phrases to the end of a perfectly valid idea simply so it'll rhyme with the next line. Remedy this with other poetry devices, like repetition, alliteration, assonance. Most poets that focus on delivery in order to pass a simple message provide variation in tone and voice, gaining rhythm, reading a particular part faster, or drawing certain sounds out longer. This causes contrast to the whole poem, and can actually enhance flow instead of ruin it.

I think, overall, the rhymes have caused more confusion in the work as a whole. I'd personally suggest you rewrite the poem with a metaphor in mind. A device that could create continuity between the stanzas instead of the simple "sexuality" theme. A successful metaphor (that isn't forced, or utterly pointed out) can be more effective than the "and the moral is" lines you've used. That, and it'll keep the audience's attention, and give them far more to think about than the very clear, flat message you've provided. Asking your listeners to think is the greatest thing you as a poet can do. It's the difference between "show" and "tell" that any poetry teacher worth two snots teaches.

Let me give you an example, as a layman, of why I don't like this.



You have used vex in a way that does not make sense, it's not a noun. I point this out as a very blatant example of you forcing a rhyme for no real reason other than to add one more rhyme in.

All the rhyming names feel similarly forced and contrived.

In that same block, the "een" rhyming is forced and doesn't flow very well. If you're going to use a rhyme like that anyway for 3 of the 4 lines, at least end the stanza on it instead of using "women" as it sounds like an abrupt stop.

Look up bohemianism--it's basically the innocence in love, really. There's most definitely a juvenile aspect to love. "Puppy love" being a good example.

I think the best way it could be put was done by Atmosphere in Felt: "The key is control but your flow is contrived." Could be done well, but try not to make it sound so forced. As for the topic, that's up to you.

Main post has a video from tonight.

I think you read really fast, and didn't punctuate to let lines sink in. The poem itself doesn't say a lot, and it said even less when read at such a fast pace. When the audience only giggles at "eh, cum," it should be obvious that you're doing something wrong.

It's actually meant to be read a bit faster. I'm actually a bit dissapointed I read it that slow.

As for the message, I understand how it seems like not a huge deal, but for me personally it is. It's explaining the importance of emotion in love over physical connections, and how they aren't always one and the same. And that if you want to confess a true love you really need to step back from the sex and lust and be able to say 'I love you' with a clear head. It's a strong message, but one that people ignore. It's a comical approach to a serious matter I think, and when I finished I had some people approach me to let me know they understood what I was getting at. That made me feel better that they weren't just giggling at funny bits and not absorbing the meaning.

The video cuts out after the applause starts, but I was very satisfied with the applause and the faces of approval as I left the stage. For me personally it was a good night.

I see where you're going with it but it just doesnt feel like you're passionate about it.

It really seems rushed right now. Say it like you mean it, because you mean it. Don't say it fast because reciting something fast is impressive. Put power behind the words and more people will understand. Also, you really could have left out the "heh! cum!" part. I know its supposed to be funny, but that kind of interrupted the flow.

It was good, I just think if you take the time you can refine a more powerful voice to put behind it.

Wooow the rhymes were so incredibly forced. Other than that the first one was decent.

A lot has been said about your forced rhyming, and I agree, but some of your imagery is great. The delivery could be worked on more, but it wasn't half bad either.

I actually really liked the first one, good job. The second one was way too fast, like a nervous kid reading his term paper to a classroom. I understand you wanted to go fast for it, but had you changed the speed up at some points and emphasized certain stanzas more than others it would have made it a lot more interesting.

I think you could've conveyed that message far more concise, as well as showed that idea to me rather than telling. Less is more, not because that's the orthodox but because a short and sweet point will make more sense to the listener than a long drawn out point read at 20x speed with no distinguishable idea that carries the entirety of the poem.

The students have spoketh!

"...you continue to be my favorite act of open mic night." - Trevor Martin

"Once again great performance! I laughed, I cried, I vomited in my mouth a little..." - Tyler E Welsh

"I like your last poem. The second one. The one after the first one. The one that precedes the end. " - Ashley Buchanan

"Jon, i just want to let you know that you did an absolutely amazing job at open mic night...you're my hero." - Erica Conklin

"THAT S**T WAS TIGHT...Seriously, that was great. I wish i could do that." - Michael Haytayan

"Please, kiss my breasts!" - Paul Coleman

"Hahaha, great stuff Jon!" - Shintock Canada McFrogface

"I get the message, but did you have to use all those nasty words?" - My Dad

"They let you say jizzum at school?!" - My Mom

The Boston Globe even gave it 5 stars, and Roger Ebert says "... ... ..." but he typed "Amazing! The best open mic performance I've ever seen!"

How about you don't just blatantly ignore what we have to say.

I figured my opinion was valid. I'm not trying to attack you, but thats just obnoxious.

So this thread was primarily a drawn out way for you to pretend to take criticism but really just say "see, some people like my poetry" again?

you're pretty amusing

Good point!:eng101:

Hey SAJN, let's have an internet poetry slam.

So does this mean you're not going to reply ever?

Seriously.

Why would you expect your friends, who are most probably not that familiar with poetry, to provide you with any kind of criticism?

LOL JON U SAID JIZZUM AHHHUHUHUHUHUHUH :downs:

Sorry for the late replies, I've been busy with finals, and I honestly forget I even posted in here again. I had assumed it died.

The speed part of it isn't really to be impressive, it's a combination of style, as well as keeping the audiences attention. It pretty much forces people to keep their mind jogging with your words if they want to comprehend what I'm saying. Even then, the speed isn't overwhelming either. It's recited fast, but not fast to the point of obnoxiousness.

As for the passion, I suppose I can work on that. I always find it hard finding the line of passion/drama and I'm always too afraid I'm going to cross it, I try to keep the dramatics to a minimum. The truth is, I am passionate when I read, regardless of if it seems that way, but I do realize that's something I need to work on.

Also, the "Heh, cum" line was put in when I read the poem to a friend over the phone and I said, what do you think? to which he responded "Heh, cum" and for some reason I just really wanted to include that in the reading. I also think it works as kind of a breather in the half way point of the poem.

As for all the comments about 'forced rhymes', I honestly don't see it at all. (Although I do realize I misinterpreted the word 'vex') It has rhymes when it needs it, and when it doesn't it just kind of treks on. But at the speed that it's read at, all the rhymes flow from one to the next, conveying exactly what they need to convey and not much more. Some parts have scattered rhymes, and then some parts (passion ration compassion cash in skin to skin indulge in) go over the top with the rhyming pretty much giving me a chance to really lay out a point in a way that catches the listeners attention. As a written poem, I can see how it could be forced, but as a read poem, it has a very nice flow I think. At least when I speak it, I can easily flow from one thought to the next without stressing over a specific way to speak a phrase.



Sounds fun!



Why does everyone think that one needs to be familiar with poetry in order to properly enjoy it? Everyone takes something different away from poetry, and the majority of people I know don't read a lot of poetry, so if they enjoy it as much as a poetry snub enjoys it, who am I to call them wrong?

Well, to be fair here, people don't have to be english professors to know if they liked or disliked your work, but at the same time they don't have the ability to critique your work.

It's like when my mom compliments my guitar playing. It's nice, but she isn't in the group of people I'm actively trying to impress (my peers and teachers).

Exactly, Tracer. Anyone can tell you how much they like a painting, but most people who don't have at least some background in art won't be able to provide useful feedback.

That's what I'm trying to say though. The audience I write for isn't a group of english professors or pulitzer prize winners, it's a group of students at a college. So if the students whom I am writing for tell me they enjoy the work, why shouldn't I take the compliments?

You should take them. We're just pointing out that they may not know good poetry from great poetry, or even mediocre poetry from great poetry. People who are more familiar with poetry will be able to provide you with more effective feedback.

I mean, I watch mediocre and "just good" movies all the time, and I still enjoy them. Just because your friends enjoyed your work doesn't mean it can't be improved.

Compliments are fine, but criticism helps you improve.

My main point is that I know you probably are passionate about what you're reading, but with more practice you'll sound it.