If this was the first page of a novel, what would you do? I'm feeling rusty as sh*t. (I've been writing with little worry about my grammer, spelling, wording for 200 pages while I wrote my outline. >.<) I know this isn't long, but its the equivalent of 1.5 manuscript pages, which often should be enough to hook the reader.

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The entrance door crashed open, all but ripping off its hinges, breaking the grim silence of the tavern. Not one of the dozen patrons turned to look. Instead, they buried their faces deep in their cups. The bartender only frowned in contempt at the mug that he cleaned and cleaned again. Few visitors caused such a raucous when they entered and none that did were good news. And they had heard the screams.

With luck, if they held their tongue, if they didn't interfere, there would be no trouble. For them.

"Good news all, we're back!" announced a gruff, all too merry voice with a slur, "Drag the b*tch in, boyos."

With a cry, a young girl not a decade old stumbled inside, shoved to her hands and knees. She was covered in mud from head to toe. There was blood on her clothes. There was blood marring what would be golden hair. When she curled up, kicking, and whimpering, her captors only roared in laughter at her futile efforts, drowning out her cries for mercy. Finally, a monster of a man, the man who had spoken, got a firm grip on the collar of her flimsy dress. He heaved her up into the air. With little effort, he flung the child onto a nearby table like a butcher discarding a stripped carcass. She crashed onto the table, knocking over the drinks of those seated there. One of the customers reached to aid the child up but the thug slammed a fist down on the table, his brutish, thick-jawed face mere inches from the man's face. There was a psychopatic rage behind his wild eyes. He would kill these men out of sheer pleasure if they so much as touched the girl.

"Look 'ere, fellas, some kind folks lef'us a seat!" he rumbled.

They didn't resist. The three patrons staggered to their feet before long and hurried out the door. The bartender glanced after them. The bastards left without paying again. He was getting too old for this nonsense. Because thugs and brigands made his establishment their bloody playground, he was losing customers every day now. And mopping blood. Too much of it.

Heh, we agree. I can't put my finger on it but something just doesn't quite sound right with the flow. I think it's more of a wording issue.

Yea, I think I destroyed my prose by spending 2 months writing in a butchered, present-tense format to get a detailed outline down. Ugh. I certainly welcome suggestions so that I can improve again.

Pay attention to viewpoint. For the first part, I don't know who's perspective it's meant to be from. At the end, it's the bar tenders. Viewpoint is something that needs to be established right away, in the first paragraph of a scene, in the first sentence; and the first paragraph of anything is the second most important paragraph of the entire work.

Second, don't stress it. The first draft of anything is ****. If you worry too much about it being good, you won't ever finish it. Don't worry about how much it sucks; just get it written. Going along with that, you probably shouldn't have started sharing it so early.

Third, what the **** kind of ****ed up world is this where a guy barges into an inn with a bloody ten year old girl and everyone is like 'meh'?

Thanks for the tips, JM, you're very right. I think that might be one of the things that annoyed me.



A world that was destroyed, where little more than a wasteland remains. A world that's been plunged in darkness after a series of natural disasters have raised a thick, permanent layer of dust clouds in the sky. There are no governments outside the wall of independant cities, and most settlements are left to their own. Its litterally a dog eat dog world out there, everyone's just struggling to survive to see tomorrow. These folks know if they impose themselves between this man and the girl, they'll lose their head. These guys are beyond wearied by their own troubles.

With that question, however, you just gave me an idea to solve my perspective problem. And you are right, first drafts are never all that great. I just want to try and get my first scene polished to anchor the main character.

Please note that I'm in no way a professional author or anything like that, so if you disagree, feel more than free to ignore.

What POV is this from? Omniscient? I highly recommend writing in 3rd person limited instead (stick with your main character) instead. Omniscient is very hard to pull off well. Also, unbelievable use of words. "Barely a decade old," for example. Some unnecessary wording, too.



Could be something like:



It's great that you understand how importance of show vs tell, and a gripping beginning. But to be honest, I'm not sure if I'd pick this book up based on what I've read. The absence of an MC's POV (or any sort of narration, for that matter) may be partly to blame.

Bad things are going to happen to this girl. Like any good-hearted reader, I don't want that to be the case, but since I hadn't been introduced to any positive characters that can make wrong right, I don't have much hope for the girl's fate. See what I mean?

Best of luck with this! Cheers!

I agree with all your suggestions and comments except for the one about unnecessary word. In my opinion, while perhaps too meaty, my sentence was dynamic and gives more impact and feel to the event, whereas I feel yours is rather flat and boring. The strict minimum, again in my opinion, is not always best. With that said, I agree that there is plenty of room for improvement on wording.

However, yours establishes a point of view, which I failed to do this first time around. I was indeed trying to use omniscient third person at least for the prologue since the main character does not come in until later. However, I agree that a point of view is required for this, and the bartender's feels most natural.

Thanks for the tips and suggestions folks. I always enjoy discussing these things with other that share the passion of writing. That's mainly the reason I posted this here. I knew a few of you guys wrote too. I don't intend to post the whole story online anyways, since that can have some negative repercussions when its time to find someone who will publish your book. Publishing companions are incredibly sensitive on First World Rights and its previous availability.

Stop being so apologetic. Notice what I said about how you probably shouldn't have shared it so early? Write for yourself first. Don't try to please anyone else. Any advice right now can crush a style you might develop on your own.

Exactly the kind of angle I was going to post after reading the first 3 or 4 words. You don't share first drafts because it'll kill the creativity. I could go through that block with a red pend and overanalyze everything, or I could just tell you to rewrite it 30 times until you're tired of writing it, then try again in a week. The first will ruin it, the second will make it work.

No, don't rewrite it. Write something else instead. Move forward until you reach the end. Then you can rewrite the beginning.

It's all a matter of style and personal preference. I completely agree with the others that probably sharing the first few words of a first draft may not be the best idea, as it may give you a wish to start rewriting stuff. Like JM said, don't. Finish the thing, worry about edits and cuts later.

If you're serious about your book, I can't recommend http://www.critters.org enough.

You don't have to go until the end, or restart. What I really meant was just write what you feel like writing, but don't over think it or edit while you write. I sometimes spontaneously try to rewrite a scene from a few notebook pages ago that I didn't feel hit what I wanted the first time, without going back to read it. Rewriting like that can be really helpful, especially at the beginning of a longer work, because the first few pages can really force the rest of a piece towards good or bad.

Either way, worry less and just jump in.

I ain't read no novel that puts asterisks in swear words