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ForumsShowcase → I wrote a short story.
I wrote a short story.
2013-01-21, 3:31 PM #1
I do this sometimes, this time it was a first person fov story written- as per usual- following a vivid dream. Basically just an experiment in FOV and exploration.

Cold
Dark
Silence
That’s all there is. I’ve been laying here for what feels like hours now; I don’t know where I am or how I got here. My mind is a blank slate- who am I, how did I get here? I’ve pondered these questions for what seems like my entire life. I would give anything to leave this… Cell? Prison? For all I know I could be in a coffin. If only I could see anything!

Suddenly, a light- Dim and red, but I can finally make out my surroundings. I’m actually standing up with my back to the wall in a small room. The walls are dark steel- I wonder why I’m here. I can barely make out the faint outline of a door, but I can’t see any mechanism for opening it inside. Maybe if I pull it…

After an hour of trying to pull the door open is met with absolute failure I lose hope, being able to see the details of my “Prison” is small solace for being locked in here. It’s so cold! If only that damn door would open! Wait! It’s opening! Slowly, and with a noise that seems it could wake the dead, it’s opening! I have no idea what I did to trigger it, but I’m finally going to escape this place. The red light also appears to have shut off, but I can see a white light coming in from behind the door.

Finally, I exit my cage. Out here there is a more natural light coming from long lights embedded in the ceiling. The walls are hexagonal steel with doors place on the sides at even intervals; the floor is this odd grating pattern with a faint red glow underneath. The doors seem to go on forever in any direction, so I choose to go to the right of where I started.

My footsteps sound like thunder in the absolute silence of this place, I begin to fear that whatever controls this place is likely to notice my “escape”, I wonder what sort of mind would build such an ugly place, and for what purpose? It’s still cold, even out in the hallways- and I’ve started to notice that every few dozen doors there is a grate replacing where one of the doors would be, I wonder what it’s for?

Upon closer inspection the grates appear to lead downward into some dark pit, having had enough of darkness for the time being I continue my trek onwards, I must’ve passed hundreds of doors by now- is there no end to this hallway?

Stairs. Finally, an end to the monotonous hallway of doors! There’s a spiral staircase with tiny white lights embedded in the stairs leading upwards- Finally a change in pace, and perhaps closer to freedom.

A few levels of stairs later I find myself in what appears to be a control center of some sort, the switches and knobs are bordered by an alien script of which I have no knowledge, desperate at this point I start pushing buttons- starting with the big red one beside a large display.
That was a bad, bad idea! Before my hand even pushed the button a blaring siren sounded from seemingly everywhere at once. All the displays have turned red, and I can hear feet pounding up the hallway below. It won’t be long before they, whoever they are, find me- and then what? Looking around in desperation I notice a pointed object with a hand grip on it, there’s some sort of lever just ahead of the grip- perhaps it’s a weapon of some sort? I grab it and point it towards the staircase- hopefully I can just scare them off and find some way to escape.

They’re here! I can’t tell if they are like me or not, they are covered in black steel that prevents me from seeing their faces. Four of them. They don’t appear to have any weapons; perhaps the weapons are all stored in the rack that I had acquired this one from? It doesn’t matter- they are yelling in some dialect I do not understand; I really wish they would just leave. I keep motioning with the weapon towards the doorway, but every time I move forward they do too!

Red. The wall is covered in red. In desperation I pulled down the lever on the weapon, and it spewed forth an incredible burst of energy that tore them apart in a horrible display. From what I can now tell they are like myself, but covered in some sort of protective covering- what use it is against a horrible weapon like this I do not know. The siren is still blaring, but I don’t hear any more of them coming. As near as I can tell they came up the hallway directly below, perhaps escape can be found that way. So I edge past the carnage and continue.

I’m starting to notice a pattern, all throughout my journey I have noticed a repeating set of symbols- a sideways zigzag, a triangle bisected at 2/3[SUP]rds [/SUP]up, a line with two curves, and a second bisected triangle. There’s also a red triangular streak that opens in the lower left and connects in the upper right. I guess that this must be the insignia of whatever organization built this place.

This hallway is different, there are no doors along it and it’s much wider. There seems to be viewing ports along the side, but they are shuttered. The hallway curves around seemingly at random, I don’t know where I’m going but I suppose its progress. As I progress I notice that the siren has faded into the distance, I suppose it was just a specific alarm for that portion of this facility.

Now I enter a gigantic chamber, at the very end of the chamber is a massive set of double doors, and inside it are several winged objects- perhaps craft of some sort? It occurs to me that to have any luck escaping with one of these craft I will have to open the doors. Looking around I can see that there is a window embedded in the wall above me, and to my left a door. Perhaps this is the control station for the doors. Beside the door is a switch, and I push it.

The doors open, and beyond is a group of beings, like myself, hunched over a few dozen displays that sit at mid height. I watch them for a moment, noticing that they move around the displays as if one organism in perfect harmony, perhaps they fulfill some vital role in the facility. I also notice stairs to my left, and hope they do not notice me as I ascend.

My hopes were fulfilled; I was able to ascend the staircase without attracting the attention of the beings downstairs. Perhaps their work is too involving to pay attention to other matters. This room appears much like the other control center, and there is another rack of weapons. Below the window is a line of displays and button pads, perhaps some combination of buttons will open the door. So I begin to study these, leaving my weapon on top of the line.

Soon enough I find that there is a series of switches bordered by a dotted yellow line, in the center is a button with a symbol that depicts two halves of a rectangle pulling apart- this is probably the switch for the doors. With no other alternative I pull it, and see out the window the doors begin to open. Picking up my weapon again (just in case, although I would hate to use it again) I make my way back out, again without the workers noticing me.

The doors are open now, and I can see outside what I can only describe as infinity- an uncountable series of lights with faint streams of colour. Looking over the craft I decided that the one most towards the exit is probably my best bet. A long, flat shape with two wings protruding out from the sides, and a bubble crisscrossed with steel coming out of the front. I ponder how to enter the craft- if only it would give me a sign as how to enter.

Just as I thought of needing an entrance a door opened on the side and a plank rapidly extended out towards the floor. It’s almost as if I managed to communicate to the craft with my mind. Leaving this to ponder on later I walk up the plank and board the craft, hearing it recede behind me.

It’s dark inside, but the dim red light returns and I’m able to make out the inside of the craft. It appears that the inside of the craft is almost entirely hollow, save for an indent along the back, and a small circular shaft leading to the bubble I saw outside- probably the crafts control center. I make my way to the bubble and find a seat- in front of it is a series of controls. I seat myself and begin to study the controls.

Time passes, and I’m no closer to finding out how to control the craft. Then I realize two things at once- that the beings I destroyed will surely be found, and that perhaps I can try “asking” the craft again. So I think of starting the craft- and notice that the controls light up, and the craft begins to hum softly. Success.

I experiment a little with my mind control of the craft, getting it to hover slightly above the floor, and spinning it slightly. As I’m experimenting a siren suddenly sounds and the doors begin to close- I’ve been discovered!

A voice is coming through a speaker on the controls, I have no idea what it is saying. Forgetting to stop the craft from spinning it has turned to face the window again, a dozen beings are outside the doorway with larger weapons then my own leveled at the craft- I fear what these weapons could do. I wish they would all just go away!

They did, but not as I would have wished. I triggered some sort of weapons system on the craft, and now the area in front of me is a gaping blackened hole. There is no evidence that anything living survived. I wish they would’ve just let me leave!

Focusing more on the craft I turn it towards the doors again, which are now closed. I decide to try firing the weapon again, and it tears the doors wide open with a burst of energy. Carefully moving the craft through the hole I finally escape, but two other craft fly past in front of me.

More voices are coming through the speaker, they seem louder this time, and are intonating seemingly randomly. One of the craft out here fires a beam of energy over my craft, barely missing the bubble.

I turn my mind to maneuvering the craft now; perhaps if I can avoid their weapons and get far enough away they will allow me to escape. My hopes as such are dashed however when I notice the other craft are keeping pace with me, but are unable to hit me.

My connection to my craft appears to be bi-directional now, as it begins to communicate several bits of information to me, such as weapons power and current speed. Through this link I am able to discover that the craft has a way to escape, but I need to hold still for several moments. This would be impossible with my pursuers- I must remove them.

I’ve gotten much better at directing my craft, it almost seems an extension of myself now, I can even “see” several sensor displays, allowing me to rapidly gain on my pursuers, who are now running back towards the facility- which I can see now is a gigantic triangular vessel, several thousand times larger then the area I covered previously. I gain on my enemies and prepare to fire, but I wish they would just- shut off? Perhaps…

It worked! I was able to get their ships to “shut off”, they now drift aimlessly in space, no threat to me (or so my craft has communicated to me.) I begin to activate the escape system, but the craft tells me that an object is closing rapidly, and that I should brace for impact.

Seconds later I tilt the craft slightly and the object veers past, exploding just in front. I begin to think I’m safe, but pieces of shrapnel impact the front of the craft, and destroy the front of the bubble. The craft tells me that it’s losing atmosphere, and that I’ll be dead in 20 seconds. The sound of the atmosphere escaping through the rupture is deafening.

Silence, yet I am alive. According to the craft no life could exist where I am, yet I persist. What am I? Perhaps the craft has an answer. I activate the escape system (which the craft tells me is “Warp”) and begin to delve into what information the craft can give me.

The craft tells me that I am not alive, that I am merely another machine, and that the facility I escaped was a colonization ship for beings that are actually alive. How can I not be alive? I think, I-

I look down and notice that the entire lower section of my body is missing, probably destroyed by the shrapnel or decompression. I suppose I will never be able to leave my craft. But I’m free- free to explore infinity. Perhaps one day I will return to those beings. I wonder now, was destroying the ones I did needed? Was there a way to escape without loss of life? Perhaps they only acted as they had because they had not known I was alive, according to the craft the area I was first housed was a “repair bay”. Perhaps… perhaps my sentience is accidental? I will have infinity to ponder these questions, so I direct the craft towards an interesting pillar of colour- it informs me that it will take 200 “years” to arrive.

Time does not matter to me, I am not alive, so I can’t die. Yet I think.
What am I?
2013-01-22, 5:00 PM #2
Well, first of all, I'm not really qualified to give any sort of writing advise, but I'm probably a little bit more experienced with this whole writing thing than the majority of our long-standing members (NES guys notwithstanding), so I feel sort of obliged to share my proverbial $0.02 CAD.

First of all, by FOV I guess you mean POV (Point of View)? Never heard it abbreviated as FOV before, but doesn't matter, just interesting.

So, onto the story...

About 3 or 4 paragraphs in I realized I don't know anything about the MC (who is he? what does he want apart from getting out? Is he exhausted / hungry / in pain? Even without your memories you still possess a personality, as well as needs and desires... All we know is that apparently he's been there for hours (although he pondered who he is for what seemed like an eternity?!). Then, I realized that I also don't know anything about where the action's taking place. You mention some doors and some differently coloured lights, but that's hardly any help for me to picture what's going on. These two factors combined make it already pretty hard to care.

Quote:
A few levels of stairs later I find myself in what appears to be a control center of some sort, the switches and knobs are bordered by an alien script of which I have no knowledge, desperate at this point I start pushing buttons- starting with the big red one beside a large display.
That was a bad, bad idea! Before my hand even pushed the button a blaring siren sounded from seemingly everywhere at once. All the displays have turned red, and I can hear feet pounding up the hallway below. It won’t be long before they, whoever they are, find me- and then what? Looking around in desperation I notice a pointed object with a hand grip on it, there’s some sort of lever just ahead of the grip- perhaps it’s a weapon of some sort? I grab it and point it towards the staircase- hopefully I can just scare them off and find some way to escape.


[/COLOR]Made me think of Myst for some reason. I've still no incentive to care about the main character as I don't associate with him, therefore making reading your story feel like a chore rather than an exciting journey (which it undoubtedly has the potential to be).

Quote:
My hopes were fulfilled; I was able to ascend the staircase without attracting the attention of the beings downstairs. Perhaps their work is too involving to pay attention to other matters.


[/COLOR]What beings? What work are they doing?

At this point I gave up. I might re-visit this story some time later, but if I will, it will be some time later, heh. I remember the IF game you wrote, that was truly something -- but I think it worked because you concentrated on sticking to the point and on progressing the plot.

So if you ever want to revise this, ask yourself these:

1) How can you make your readers care for / associate with your MC from the very first lines?
2) How can you make your very first lines gripping enough to make your readers want to read your first paragraph and your first paragraph gripping enough to make them read the second, etc.?
3) Is any given sentence pushing the plot forward or helping establish the character? If not, KILL IT WITH FIRE. Even if you're describing a scene, it should still push the plot forward in some away or it should be making us more interested in the character(s). Otherwise, your story is static. Life is never static. A story is an illusion of life. Life is full of feelings, details, movement. Attempt to maintain the illusion.
4) Are you using all the senses when describing something? There is more 2 our perception than vision. We also have hearing, taste, sense of smell, touch... You don't have to overdo it, but try to weave these in if you can. This will make your story more realistic.

Anyhow, that's what I have to say so far, sorry for not reading the whole story, but I've very limited time as I'm working / reading / writing usually (or NOT and just following +Interesting Engineering and +National Geographic and just hanging out on G+), I hope I've explained the reasons why I stopped reading.

Hope this helps.

If you're interested in writing, check out some of Chuck Wendig's awesome advise:

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2012/09/11/25-writing-rules-i-presently-live-by/

That's the first article I found by Googling his name / writing advise, but trust me, there is more. The man's a fountain of awesomeness knowledge.

Hope this helps.

Peace.
幻術
2013-01-23, 2:19 PM #3
I called it FOV because I play way too many videogames, that's a mistake.
I'll take what you said into consideration. I'm probably not going to revise it, it's just an experiment and exercise.
2013-01-30, 5:18 PM #4
FOV stands for "field of view" or "field of vision" and it means how many degrees out of 360 you can see. It's a bad habit to use words when you're not 100% sure what they mean, so I recommend trying to apply this to your fiction as well.
2013-01-31, 2:00 PM #5
yeah you're looking for POV, as koobie said

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