deleted
no stories for Massassi
Koobie stop posting
lulz

I think I just realized what your problem is. You're really a twelve year old child.

Thanks for your valuable contribution, gbk. I will make sure to keep it in mind when I ignore Jon'C's angry post / reply.

I'm glad I waited until you published to point out that "Crimson Tide" is a euphemism for menstruation.

Joke's on you, Jon, his main character has an aunt named "Flo".

lol if u read it.

No, of course I didn't read it, I was just building on your joke.

... okay, now I get it!

It's an Americanism, FGR.

62 downloads within 48 hours, could've been worse.

Not what I meant.

But kudos to GBK for a stealthy continuation of the original joke. Now finish Hysteria, you ... Nimbus!

Hmm, I thought it was an American expression ("aunt flo").

What did you mean?

Because re: my title,

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=the+crimson+tide&oq=the+crimson+tide&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i60l2j69i61l2.2050j0j7&sourceid=chrome&espv=210&es_sm=93&ie=UTF-8

So hey.

The flow of the crimson tide.

... I'd prefer communists in South Vietnam (heh).

yeah, right, when english people talk about "crimson tide" they're totally talking about Alabama college athletics. aint nothing as rad as deep south intermurals, yee haw.

and when we talk about "parting the red sea" we're just really, really into exodus 13.

and when we talk about "earning our red wings", that's code for learning to fly a MiG.



lmao. keep trying, koobie, you'll be just like these guys some day:



Edit: in case you didn't get that video, koobie, those guys don't sound normal to us. I am sorry to spoil the joke like this but I realized after posting it that you would probably have no way of understanding it otherwise.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=crimson%20tide

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112740/

This movie takes place on a submarine during the height of the Cold War. Hence, 'Crimson Tide' is a title that makes a modicum of sense. What's your excuse?

... crew and passengers "mysteriously" disappear from a British steamship that docks in Chicago, which serves as a catalyst for everything that comes after?

Just make you don't actually read it, Freelancer, or the self-proclaimed smartest person on this forum is going to LOL at you.

Contrary to what you think, this does not explain your title at all.

Maybe, in the end, everything was a bloody mess.

1.) Period euphemism on cover.

2.) Weed and grammar textbooks, **** yeah. Now we're partying.

3.) Book opens with the passive voice. **** yeah, Elements of Style all up in this *****.

4.) The beginning of the story takes place in 1903. Johnny Walker Special Old Highland did not get a colored label until 1906, and it wasn't called Johnny Walker Red until 1909.

5.) "My spirits lifted, I celebrated with another swing from the glass (no pun intended)." Not only is this not a pun, but the word you are looking for is swig. By the way, when you're writing a book, every pun is intentional. Doubly so when you point them out.

6.) The Congressional Gold Medal is not awarded by the President, it is awarded by an act of congress. One would think this is obvious. Furthermore, the medal was awarded to British citizen Frederick Rose in 1858, so it's hardly unprecedented.

7.) Why did the SS Victoria make a three-week trip down the St. Lawrence, snaking through a canal route, when New York City is both on the actual ocean and a lot closer to D.C.?

8.) Time and money are both relative.

9.) What does "honorably disMs.ed" mean?

10.) The president in 1903 was Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt, not Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

11.) A "fortune times over"?

12.) "there was maybe a dozen people here"

13.) Page 10 is my favorite page so far, because I forgot what happened on Page 8 and I really needed you to recap the story for me. Thanks.

14.) A saber is a single-edged curved sword in common service in the early 1900s, both among soldiers and the police. A man of this time, let alone a military man, would not smugly nod to himself about how this straight, "double-edged" (?) energy weapon is more like a saber than a sword.

15.) Purple prose is not a substitute for describing violence.

16.) DZHHHHHHHHEEEEEEE, because describing sounds is, like, hard, man.

17.) "Five dollars is good money, but a good funeral is priceless." I don't quite understand what you mean. Shouldn't he be happy then, since being thrown into peril is going to give him more than what he expected?

18.) Colt Official revolver did not exist until 1927.

19.) Human kills a lightsaber-wielding Jedi with a simple pistol.

20.) The existence of galaxies wasn't discovered until 1919, and their size and distance was not understood until 1929. In 1903 it would be an unusually educated layperson to even have heard of 'spiral nebulae', which is what they were called at this time. Adam Smith suggesting a trip to a "galaxy far, far away" is like you running an errand to a burgalkbahsd.

21.) Also this line is god awful for a lot of other reasons.

22.) Jane Wesson magically knows to try the voice interface on TARDIS even though it was: a. not previously demonstrated to her and b. she would have no reason to think it existed.

23.) "twice as heavier than the Springfield".

24.) M1903 Springfield entered production in June 1903. It's very unlikely that Adam Smith was issued one, since he was discharged by November.

25.) Dialogue is so forced and stilted, all just to include a lame 8t88 quote from JK. Ugh. Dude.

26.) Interrupting an action sequence with melancholy. Sweet. Oh well, I wasn't going to get into it anyway.

27.) Suddenly in love.

28.) "Jared the Jedi"

29.) Oops. Sorry, "Jared the Jedi Exile".

30.) Second inappropriate use of the word "buddy". (Everybody gets one.)

31.) Has nothing at all to do with the title. Not unless Jane Wesson was on the rag, at least.




So damn close.


Edit: According to mb whole sections of the story are also plagiarized from episodes of Doctor Who. I don't watch that show, so I wouldn't know. But there you have it, folks. Now none of you have to read it just to laffo.

By the way Koobie, I've professionally reviewed books for a publisher before (Manning). So like... ^^ that'll be 500 dairu plz.

I'm going to be completely serious for a moment. Koobie, pay attention, because we don't get along and it's very rare I'd do this for someone who acts like you do.

This story could have been really good. You started off easy, built up a decent amount of momentum behind your two leads. I rolled my eyes at the whole Smith and Wesson thing, but in a lot of ways it actually worked. The characters worked, the back-story worked, you were even breaking into my magic circle, which isn't something a lot of beginner writers can successfully accomplish. You were well on your way to writing an engaging story (if in desperate need of a competent editor).

And then Sherlock Holmes opened that damn door, and then you stopped writing.

Suddenly it's two Sherlocks and a Time Lord, and then on the next page we're in Rome, and then Star Wars, and then it's over. The story is so hurried in places and truncated in others, it's like you lost any interest in actually telling your story and just tacked on an outline. You even went out of your way to point out that Sherlock and the Doctor are doing craaaaazy stuff to save the universe - just off camera!!! - but I guess you figured that wasn't a story your readers would be interested in?? Instead we get the bulletpoints of Marty Stu and Mary Sue's wild adventure in Space Swamp.

I do not understand how you can sit down to write a story and half-ass everything so badly after writing such a decent intro. (Edit: Actually I do understand. I'm not even going to pretend here. Koobie, the reason marijuana makes you 'feel good' is because it short-circuits your reward pathway. It saps your effort, and it shows very plainly in your writing. Do you think I'm kidding? You were sober while writing the intro, and baked off your ass while writing the Rome bar. Am I right?)

But again, I liked the Smith and Wesson stuff. If you ever made a serious - serious - effort to write an original turn-of-the-century detective novel, I would probably read it. But by serious I mean serious, none of this getting bored and quitting halfway through stuff. It's just insulting to your readers, because if it's not worth your time to finish, it's not worth anybody's time to read.



All done being serious now.


HEY GUYS, guess why I used red splotches for my bingo card

Hi Jon'C.

Unfortunately I don't have time to read / absorb your reply in full right now but I will later and will respond in kind.

However, I've skimmed through it ... and first of all, thank you for reading. I didn't expect that of you.

Second of all, thank you for the helpful comments. I didn't expect those either.

I'll address a couple of points I'd noticed while skimming (I'm at work now and I've work and other things to do, but I'll dedicate more time to properly read / respond later).

>>M1903 Springfield entered production in June 1903.

It did. But!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Springfield_Model_1892-99

>>Actually I do understand. I'm not even going to pretend here. Koobie, the reason marijuana makes you 'feel good' is because it short-circuits your reward pathway. It saps your effort, and it shows very plainly in your writing. Do you think I'm kidding? You were sober while writing the intro, and baked off your ass while writing the Rome bar. Am I right?)

I was baked like hell writing the last chapter; the first one ... I don't remember. But yes, this is not a serious story. I don't want to discuss marijuana with you because (presumably) I have a little more experience with it, but long story short: everything in moderation.

Regarding Rome, I wasn't sure what to put for the middle so I did this (I was on a timeline, or I would've never finished the bloody thing):



I proof-read and edit every "serious" story I write. For example, with Extatica, I work with a wonderful editor who'd taught me a lot about English (American) grammar. Since there was zero chance to sell this particular story, I simply wrote it for fun and practice ... it's no excuse for obvious mishaps like having misspelled the word photograph in the ****ing intro page, of course. I have to make an effort to sit down and re-read the story from beginning to end on my Kindle, but I keep putting it off because like you've correctly deduced (ha!) I did not take The Crimson Tide too seriously ... I did, however, still try to make it an interesting and exciting story. I am also not so lazy (contrary to what some may think) as not to actually do another proof-reading and editing round once I have the chance (hopefully sometime next week?)

>>I guess you figured that wasn't a story your readers would be interested in??

I didn't write it for my readers, I wrote it for myself ... the last chapter I wrote to someone. A story I'm writing now I'm writing for someone... which is different (and better, heh) than the former, but I'd decided to experiment with writing to someone first because I'd never actually had anyone I'd wanted to write to / for before (except myself, and it's not always the best).

Little more skimming:

>>18.) Colt Official revolver did not exist until 1927.

Nice! Thanks.

>>19.) Human kills a lightsaber-wielding Jedi with a simple pistol.

Yeah, with the Jedi always deflecting blaster bolts that, as far as projectiles go, are significantly slower than bullets, I'd wondered how they'd (The Sith) would fare against an honest-to-God revolver.

So yes, thanks again, some very useful / helpful stuff in what you'd posted, it saddens me somewhat that I don't have the time right now to reply in more detail, but I have to do something else right now. I will do so once I have the time to come back to this silly little story to edit it.

8.) Time and money are both relative.

Not if you're broke and jobless.

>>By the way Koobie, I've professionally reviewed books for a publisher before (Manning). So like... ^^ that'll be 500 dairu plz.

Tell me your address and I'll send a man up with a fruit cake.

Peace,
Koobie

PS. Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIo_Rddu7UI

In fact, I appreciate your (a total stranger's) time so much I was about to change my signature ... but there's a reason why I prefer G+ to THE MASSASSI FORUMS.

Oh, and one last thing ...

>> 3.) Book opens with the passive voice. **** yeah, Elements of Style all up in this *****.

The first published Sherlock Holmes story was A Study in Scarlet. The title The Crimson Tide is a play on it (obvious only to myself, I suppose).

It starts like this:

CHAPTER I. MR. SHERLOCK HOLMES.

IN the year 1878 I took my degree of Doctor of Medicine of the University of London, and proceeded to Netley to go through the course prescribed for surgeons in the army.

* * *

It's in the active voice, true, but the message is the same ... Perhaps I can re-write the first line as well, actually. Good point.

Hmm, according to that chart DXN is 10/25 bad and my cancelled next project would have been 12/25. Boh!

C'est la vie.

Anyway, keep at it, koobs

[Edit - Jan 30th] Whoops, Jon told me yesterday that it's actually a bingo board. Way to get things, FGR! Boh!

Koobie, if only you'd rolled a 6, Joncy would've had at least 2 bingos.

Actually I think I know why the first chapter reads better than the other two. I was (most likely) stoned writing it too, but I wrote it as I felt like, without adhering to any sort of structure or system. The remaining two chapters I wrote using Jim Butcher's SCENES and SEQUELS technique (okay, he didn't come up with this, naturally, but I'd decided to try it after listening to 10 Dresden Files books in a row). Alas, I am not Jim Butcher.

http://jimbutcher.livejournal.com/2647.html
http://jimbutcher.livejournal.com/2880.html

Notes to self:

1) Make it clearer that Jane only exists because Sherlock Holmes doesn't die from the beginning.
2) More romance / necklace from Chapter 1.
3) Voice module -- instead of voice module, use a recording by The Doctor (The Doctor doesn't use voice commands to operate the TARDIS when we first see him and doesn't serve any real purpose whatsoever anyway except for being a guide). Suggest: a hologram, can tie in with SW tech we see in Chapter 3.
4) How did the Sith get into Rome? Make sure the Doctor hologram explains it's Rome and not a planet that looks like Rome. Hint at the stealth belts we see Revan use in Chapter 3.
5) Kill anachronistic references such as some reference to a comedy show (no bloody TVs in 1900).
6) Commission a cover.
7) Rename to The Girl with the Scarab Necklace heh.

Sherlock Holmes
Through Time and Space

This is just a concept; the artist is still working on it, but MAN this is gonna be cool.

Also, I really wish I'd have more time to edit the thing ... it can be really good.

BTW, apparently the attachments are still broken. Yay.

More awesomeness.

Pretty spiffy cover art, I must say!

Thanks FGR.
It's by this guy: http://www.theusualmadman.net/

The Girl with the Scarab Necklace
by Tyro Vogel

This is my love letter to Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who, and Star Wars, which I'd originally released as "The Crimson Tide" a few weeks ago; this is the definitive, edited version, now with a wonderful cover by the talented +S. A. Hunt.

If you'd read the original, you can skip to the bottom of this post for the "bug fixes," if not, just click here: http://goo.gl/9CH02a

* * *

The ad in the Chicago Daily News read,

Needed: Personal Assistant
Must have basic military training, good manners, know how to read and write. Interviews held between 14:00 and 16:00 on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 60620 Dresden Drive 7. Floor 2, Apartment 9. Only apply if your last name is 'Smith.' No exceptions.

But what Adam Smith got was much more than just a job interview. In a weird combination of luck, chance and circumstance, he ended up on an adventure spanning multiple centuries and countless galaxies, all thanks to a woman who had changed his life forever.

For better or worse, only time would tell ...

* * *

The book is dedicated to +Teodora Grigorova for being the right girl in the right place at the right time; with special thanks to Jon'C for his useful comments on the original version and to +Tobias DJ TB Bassline for all the music.

My thanks goes out to all the wonderful people who were reading and providing feedback on this story as I was posting it in parts on my Google+ stream as well as all those who helped me get better in my writing and / or my life. And also to the 100 people who'd downloaded the (somewhat flawed) original version of this book within 3 days of release.

You can download the .pdf, .mobi or .epub versions of the 13k word long story via the link below.

http://goo.gl/9CH02a

If you like my story and would like to help, spread the word! Share this post, or tell your friends about this book. Really. DO IT NOW.

* * *

Edits February 23, 2014:

New title befitting the story.

One dollar was a week's pay, not a month's pay (in dialogue with Bratoslaw).

The president in 1903 was Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt, not Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

The phrase "pre-teen comedy show" was an obvious anachronism.

Removed unnecessary references to video games "Jedi Knight" and "Beneath a Steel Sky."

Described the sound lightsabers make rather than saying DZZZZZ all the time.

Replaced all references to Colt Police Official with Browning 1900; Colt Official revolver did not exist until 1927.

Replaced Johnny Walker Red with Jack Daniels (FTW). Johnny Walker Special Old Highland did not get a colored label until 1906, and it wasn't called Johnny Walker Red until 1909.

Changed all references of lightsabers to light swords because, really, they look nothing like sabers, and nobody actually refers to them by name in the story.

Changed the "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" line as existence of galaxies wasn't discovered until 1919.

The Doctor appears for the first time in Chapter 2 only; in the first chapter he is replaced by a hologram projection of the TARDIS voice interface to make future interactions with the TARDIS more believable.

The exact date and locations for Chapter 2's setting is explicitly stated.

Made the Sith look more like Sith, hinted at them using stealth tech we see Revan use later.

Springfield rifle replaced by Remington, as there's a higher chance that's what Adam Smith was issued in the army.

Replaced the word "buddy" with "partner" and "companion" respectively.

The scarab necklace appears in the first chapter, along with some foreshadowing as to why the MC gets so attached to Jane Wesson.

Changed The Doctor's expository monologue in the last chapter to a letter from Sherlock Holmes.

Corrected spelling and grammar mistakes.

Added a thanks to Jon'C on the dedications page for pointing out most of the above.

Corrected formatting.

Added a little "About Me" section at the end of the book.

* * *

Thank you once again, and have a great day!

Sincerely,
Yours Truly

>>According to mb whole sections of the story are also plagiarized from episodes of Doctor Who

If mb could elaborate, that'd be helpful. The only thing I'd "plagiarized" was the last line AFAIK.