saberopus
Likes Kittens. Eats Fluffies
Posts: 12,306
For me, the image is a bit distracting. It's hard to assess the poem on its own merits when I'm drawn to the image, or am trying to figure out how they relate. I find myself interpreting the poem based on the image, not solely on its content. If that's your intent, some multimedia thing, that's cool, but I personally can get more into the text when it's not accompanied by an illustration. For poetry, at least.
I get that you're in some head-space that these words, that picture, and that song evoke for you. It seems like the odds that a reader is going to feel the same way about each of those three as you are probably low... I didn't even open the song, because ... I wasn't interested in it, in this context? What if I thought your poem was great, but the image below just turned me off, or the music had a completely different tone for me?
Just a thought.
As far as the poem goes, I'm good for the first three lines
Then I get a little confused when I hit
because I instantly think of video games, and I can't tell if this is about a pirate or a gamer.
Then I get thrown off even more by
because honestly the first thing I think is that "is this saying that... she has no testicles?" surprise, it's a girl we're talking about? If so, it seems a bit crass. I'm ok with a crass poem, but it doesn't seem to be echoed by the rest.
This part works fine, technically, for me, except that 'game of life' is about as cliched as it gets. Unless you're going to play off that cliche, maybe there's a better way to phrase it. "It's all the craze" is a little weird, and this might be an English-as-second-language thing, but it sounds like it should be 'It's all the rage" which is an English idiom... if you're not going for that, perhaps just "It's a craze" or some other phrasing would work better.
All these problems seem to stem from the fact that you've set up a very restrictive rhyme scheme, and your lines are so damn short that you don't have any room to elegantly maneuver into the words this scheme forces you to use. I would be interested to see another version of this poem that's more free verse or with looser rhyme. I bet it would be smoother.
Cheers! I hope you're ok w/ some feedback on this.
I really like putting in little quirks for my own enjoyment.