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Thread: New Crazy Story

  1. #1

    New Crazy Story

    (I started this originally for Zhoh so you might not all recognize the names... But some of you will. Anyway, feel free to add yourself to the story.)

    [oh yeah... I think it might be interesting to see how the stories evolve differently with the same beginning...]
    ahh, Once there was a guy who was a captain on board a starship. His name was Sran Cadpill. His 1st Leutinant was named SpandexX. One day, they encountered the evil aliens, ruled by the formiddible Wass. Wass was trying to round up all the Hemosopients, in order to turn them into a slave race, but Sran Cadpill was determined that that would not happen. So he boarded his ship, and set out to destroy the evil Wass. He took along his 1st Leutinant, and several other crew members, including, the mighty lerdvaddar, the beautiful MissesJupiton (who was often called GingeraleTesty), the fearless KiteiodTurrastie, and the great, wize (yet somewhat aloof) chaplain, Zangordo.

    MDS (just click the link)
    Five Minute Walk
    I are girl, and I think sarn r cootie

    [This message has been edited by Sarn_Cadrill (edited January 13, 2002).]
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

  2. #2
    *The brave and noble crew, lead by the courageous Captain Capdill prepares to sally fourth in search of the villianous Captain Wass...*

    Sran Capdill: First Officer SpandexX!

    SpandexX: Yes Captain Sarn, er, Sran?

    Sran Capdill: Prepare the ship for Atomic Blastoff!

    SpandexX: Yes, my Captain!

    *First Officer SpandexX begins speaking into the shipwide intercom unit...*

    SpandexX: Attention! Prepare the ship for Atomic Blastoff...

    Sran reclines in the captain's chair, deep in thought.

    Sran: How am I going to kill Wass? He's so evil and deadly...[/b]

    SpandexX: ...Seal the bulkheads...

    Sran: Perhaps I should send the strong and somewhat psychotic KiteiodTurrastie in to demolish Wass with his bare

    SpandexX: ...Secure all securables...

    Sran: ...Ask MissusJupiton for an unlikely scientific solution? No...

    SpandexX: ...Seatbelts on...

    Sran: I know! I'll turn to my confidante and mentor, Zangordo. He'll know what to do.

    SpandexX: Captain, we are ready for Atomic Blastoff! I eagerly await your order.

    Sran: Very well. 3, 2, 1, Blastoff. And quit trying to suck up.

    SpandexX: Yessir.

    *Down in the bowels of main engineering, lerdvadder flips the switch marked Atomic Blastoff. The sleek spacecraft briefly shudders, then leaps starward spouting a mighty gout of flame...*

    [edit - tags and grammar]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 14, 2002).]

  3. #3
    *Now in cruising in deep space, Capatin Capdill is searching for the vile Captain Wass, his arch-enemy.*

    Sran: Any sign of Wass?

    MissusJupiton: I'm picking his ship up on long range sensors, Captain Sran.

    Sran: Wow, that was fast. Well then, lay in an intercept course and engage! Full throttle! *He punctuates this order with a vigorous arm-pumping*

    SpandexX: Brilliant plan, sir.

    Sran: Why yes, it is one of my better plans. But I thought I warned you about sucking up.

    MissusJupiton: Did it occur to either of you meatheads that this might be a trap set by Wass to kill us all?

    SpandexX: Why don't you go back to your station and stare at the blinking lights, woman.

    MissusJupiton: I don't like your tone...

    *Jupiton glares at SpandexX, who returns the gesture.*

    Sran: All right, that's enough. Jupiton, return to your post. SpandexX, execute that order.

    MissusJupiton: *rolls her eyes* Whatever...

    Sran: I must consult with Zangordo. You have the bridge.

    Captain Capdill steps into the bridge elevator.*

    SpandexX: Wait, were you speaking to me or her?

    MissusJupiton: Too late, Spandex. I'm running this show now.

    *She pushes SpandexX out of the way and sits down in the captain's chair.*

    MissusJupiton: Hmm, Sran's got quite the groove here. Might take a while to get comfortable...

    SpandexX: But, but -

    MissusJupiton: Shut the hell up, you damn pansy. You're nothing more than a worthless yes-man. Between 'Captain' Sran, you and that nutcase KiteiodTurrastie, it's a miracle we've made it this far. I have to do my own job in addition to correcting all of your mistakes. At least lerdvaddar is halfway competant. Now go stand in the corner and try not to screw anything up.

    SpandexX: I wish the Captain would finish up with Zangordo and get back here.

    *Head hung, SpandexX walks over to the bridge's corner and stares at the wall. Meanwhile, Sran stands outside Zangordo's quarters, steeling himself for another trying session with his mentor*

    Zangordo: Come in, my pupil, and bask in that ever-glowing brightness that is my boundless knowledge.

    Sran: *walks in* Zangordo, I -

    Zangordo: - seek the knowledge which will enable you to defeat Wass, your everlasting nemisis.

    Sran: Look, you may be my mentor, but on this ship I'm captain, and I say nobody cuts me off. Now, how can I kill Wass and stop his nefarious plot to round us all up?

    Zangordo: Very well, my son. You must...

    *Zangordo's voice lowers and he leans closer to Sran.*

    Sran: *Leans in toward Zangordo* What? What?

    Zangordo: ...not be afraid. Use all of your resources, but apply them sparingly. Trust in your friends, but trust in your enemies more. Look no further than yourself for the seeds of glorious inspiration. Your luckey number is 4.

    Sran: What the hell does that mean? Everything's always so ambiguous with you!

    Zangordo: The impetuous grasslands of your mind could use some trimming, my son.

    Sran: You're no help at all! I don't even know why I brought you along! *he storms out*

    *As his ship hurtles through space, and toward confrontation with the dastardly Wass, Sran stomps back to the bridge elevator...*

    [Edit - tags]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 14, 2002).]

  4. #4
    Eh, this is fun.

    *After a brief search, the brave Captain Capdill and his valiant crew have finally found Wass (the bad guy) and his evil starship.*

    Sran: *enters the bridge* Report.

    MissusJupiton: Sir, we've located Wass' ship. I've slowed us down and have the targeting systems locked on. I've got everything set up so all you have to do is press the button. You can't possibly blow this one.

    Sran: That's quite enough MissusJupiton. Return to your station. SpandexX, stop sulking and get over here.

    MissusJupiton: Return to your station, return to your station, that's all you ever say to me...

    SpandexX: I wasn't sulking, I was, reading the, uh, tactical display.

    Sran: Fine, whatever. Disengage weapons systems and open hailing frequencies.

    MissusJupiton: You're going to talk to him? Why?

    Sran: I'm going to try to talk him down.

    MissusJupiton: But you never talk him down! He's your arch-enemy. It always comes to blows with Wass. Just press the firing button and end it!

    Sran: I'm getting sick of your attitude, MJ. Why don't you go off and do whatever it is that you do while SpandexX and I handle Wass? Now, open hailing frequencies.

    MissusJupiton: Argh!

    *SpandexX spins some dials and punches a button. The voice of Wass filters through the space radio. He even sounds evil.*

    Wass: Who is it?

    Sarn: It is I, Captain Sran Capdill of -

    The good guys' ship is rocked by an explosion. SpandexX falls to the ground.*

    Sran: That's not fair!

    MissusJupiton: I told you so...

    Sran: Yeah well, this'll show him. Proton torpedos, full spread!

    SpandexX: Um, we don't have any proton torpedos, sir.

    MissusJupiton: *sighs* You're confusing us with Star Trek again.

    *Another blast smashes the ship. Heavy damage is inflicted as various panels explode and sparks fly all over the bridge. Part of the roof is dislodged and smacks SpandexX in the head.*

    SpandexX: Ow...

    Sran: Damage report!

    lerdvadder (via the intercom): Arr! She canna take much more of this, Cap'n!

    Sran: Thank you, lerdvadder. that ship and fire.

    *Sran makes another take-charge gesture, this time a neat little flourish of his right hand.*

    SpandexX: Excellent idea, Captain. Ouch...I need to lie down.

    MissusJupiton: *rolls her eyes* Finally...

    *Searing lasers lance out from Captain Capdill's ship. Guided by MissusJupiton, they successfully connect with Wass' ship, destroying the main reactor.*

    MissusJupiton: Yes! Direct hit on his reactor!

    SpandexX: That was a little below the belt, don't you think?

    MissusJupiton: Well I -

    *The deck heaves as a final missle explodes against Sran's starship. The damage is severe, causing sparks, smoke and all kind of other neat special effects to off all over the ship.*

    Sran: I felt that one. Eveybody ok?

    *Suddenly, a frazzled looking lerdvaddar comes charging out of the bridge elevator. His clothing is crispy and he looks more than a little scorched.*

    Sran: lerdvaddar! Shouldn't you be in engineering?

    lervaddar: Arr, she's a wreck, Cap'n. The conduits are broke, the coils are toast, and all sorts of razzmatazz. 'Eee but the enemy shipwrights are faced with similar troubles, sir.

    Sran: Huh?

    MissusJupiton: He said we're disabled...but so are they.

    *Oooh, what's going to happen next?*

    [Edit - tags again]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 14, 2002).]

  5. #5
    Oops, I've been calling them MissusJupiton and Sran Capdill all along...
    Well, long as I'm the only one...

    *After an exciting space battle, both starships are left incapacitated; the two ships now hang in space like wounded dogs, unable to move. Onboard the Captain Capdill's ship, the heroes are recovering from the battle and planning their next move. Though his ship is immobile, the vile Wass surely has some trick up his sleve...*

    Sran: Alright people, we've still got a job to do. SpandexX, have the crew assemble in the shuttle bay.

    SpandexX: Right, sir.

    *The bridge crew, along with Chief Engineer lerdvaddar, files into the bridge elevator which rapidly descends to the shuttle bay. Zangordo, KiteiodTurrastie and a couple other crewmembers are already waiting there.*

    Sran: Listen up, people. As you all know, Wass, my evil arch-enemy, is somewhere in the ship we just grappled with. More importantly, the plans for his 'Round Up' project are also onboard, giving us a chance to kill to birds with one stone.

    Sran: I'm splitting the crew off into two fireteams - Alpha and Beta. Fireteam Alpha will consist of myself, MissusJupiton and Zangordo. Fireteam Beta will consist of Chief lerdvaddar, KiteiodTurrastie, First Officer SpandexX and Ensign Redshirt.

    Sran: Any questions?

    *There are none. SpandexX passes out some deadly looking laser guns, then everybody piles into the shuttle.*

    Sran: Prepare the shuttle for takeoff, SpandexX.

    SpandexX: Prepare the shuttle for takeoff!

    MissusJupiton: You can probably skip this part...

    SpandexX: Secure all securables!

    MissusJupiton: You're an idiot.

    *After a long and drawn out countdown, the shuttle lifts clear of the hangar and flits out towards the dastardly ship of Wass.*

    MissusJupiter: I think I see a docking port over there.

    Sran: On screen.

    SpandexX: *coughs*

    MissusJupiter: We don't have a view screen. However, we do have a window.

    Sran: Very well, bring it up on the main window.

    MissusJupiter: *sigh*

    *MissusJupiter wrenches the controls away from Captain Capdill and expertly docks the shuttle.*

    Sran: Well, I've had just about enough! You're this close to being thrown in the brig, missy!

    MissusJupiton: If I was thrown in the brig, who would do everything for you morons?

    SpandexX: Hey! We're not so helpless!

    MissusJupiton: Uh, yeah. Forget I brought it up.

    The good guys enter the demented Wass' starship. Eerie emergency lighting casts a dim glow on the gloomy corridors.*

    KiteiodTurrastie: SpookAy.

    Sran: You said, it big buddy. Ok, we're going to use a strategy which I developed entirely on my own without any help whatsoever. I call it "The Leapfrog Advance". On my mark, Fireteam Alpha will advance. Then, when I give the word, Fireteam Beta will advance. Then, when I give the signal, Fireteam Alpha advances again. Then, when I give the word -

    MissusJuption: Yeah, we get it.

    Sran: Don't be so hasty, MJ. This is a combat situation, and I want to be sure that everyone understands the plan. Everybody got it?

    *MJ, Zogordo, lervaddar and SpandexX nod the affirmative. KiteiodTurrastie stares blankly. Ensign Redshirt bobs his head uselessly.*

    SpandexX: Brilliant strategy, sir. You're quite the tactician.

    MissusJupiton: You're such a suck up *****.

    Sran: Yes, I am aren't I? OK, Fireteam Alpha, go now!

    *Fireteam Alpha tiptoes down the corridor a ways.*

    Sran: Fireteam Beta, go now!

    *Fireteam Beta tiptoes out, continuing the advance*

    Sran: Fireteam Alpha, go now!

    *Many hours later, the crew arrives at a fork at the end of the corridor.*

    Sran: Hmm, which way to go?

    MissusJupiton: This is ridiculous! We'll never stop Wass at this rate.[/b]

    Sran: What's wrong with Fireteams?

    MissusJupiton: *rolls her eyes* You just like saying 'Fireteam'.

    *SpandexX immediately springs to his commander's aid.*

    SpandexX: Do you have a better idea, Science Officer?

    MissusJupiton: Yeah, I do. See you later.

    *MissusJupiton marches away from the rest of the crew, off to take care of Wass herself. Within seconds, she has disappeared into the gloom. Ensign Redshirt moves to follow her.*

    Sran: Going somewhere, Ensign?

    Ensign Redshirt: I, I, um, ah -

    Sran: So, more insubordination? I don't think you're committed to stopping Wass, Ensign!

    Ensign Redshirt: No, no -

    Sran: Maybe you'd like to sleep a night in The brig!

    Ensign Redshirt: *he finally manages to choke out a sentance* I'll stay with the Fireteam, sir!

    *Captain Capdill visibly calms down at the word 'Fireteam'.*

    Sran: Good, good. Fireteam Aplha, advance!

    *And so the boarding action contunes. Will Captain Capdill ever find Wass?*


  6. #6
    [Wow, you've certainly taken charge of this... I like the scripty feel... So we'll continue it. However, be careful about exactly what Sran Cadpill says (mostly in terms of language). He is modeled after me, you know...]

    *MissusJupiton stealthily sneaks through the ship of Sran's arch-enemy, Wass while Captian Sran Cadpill and his Fireteams finally reach the end of the corridor.*

    Sran Cadpill: Yes, that's the ticket! Fireteam Beta, Move UP!

    *Fireteam Beta advances slowly ahead, reaching the fork in the corridor, just as Wass' evil legions, the HurricaneThrong appear from the shadows of the forked corridors*

    Sran Cadpill: Let's try and negociate.

    SpandexX: Brilliant strategy, sir.

    *Sran Cadpill steps forward and approaches the HurricaneThrong*

    Sran Cadpill: Listen up, you worthless men. Surrender now, and we will not kill you!

    *KiteiodTurrastie perks up at the sound of the word, "kill"*

    KiteiodTurrastie: We get to kill someone???

    Sran Cadpill: No, I told them that if we.. Oh forget it. Just stand over there and wait for the fighting to start.

    *KiteiodTurrastie sits down on the deck, pulls out a handheld video game, and begins to play*

    Sran Cadpill: Now then... I've come to negotiant your terms of Surrender, if you would-

    *KiteiodTurrastie's video game beeps loudly. Sran Cadpill runs over and pulls it from KiteiodTurrastie's hands*

    Sran Cadpill:Darnit, KiteiodTurrastie. How many times have I told you, no Space Invaders when we're on away missions!?!?!?

    *Sran Cadpill smashes the game under his foot, and KiteiodTurrastie turns away as tears begin to form in his eyes*

    Sran Cadpill:Now then, where were we? Oh, right. Your surrender. Now then, shall we ju-

    *There is a loud chime, and Sran Cadpill looks over at KiteiodTurrastie angrily. However, the chime is followed by the crackling of a speaker imbedded in the wall*

    Wass: (over speaker) There will be on surrender! I will destroy your pathetic race, and all who- HT 1029, stop that infernal butt scratching! Can't you see I'm trying to threaten? Two months imprisonment in the Dark Room! Now then, where were we?

    *HT 1029 pulls his hand away from his backside and glances around nervously*

    HT 1029: How the heck did he see that??? Oh well, you heard the man, CHARGE!!!!!

    *Oh no. Things aren't looking good for our brave heros. How will they escape the menace of the ruthless HurricaneThrong? And what has happened to MissusJupiton?*

    [This message has been edited by Sarn_Cadrill (edited January 14, 2002).]
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

  7. #7
    ( eyes hurt from the purposely misspelt names....

    Interesting idea-r though. I uh...might post something on this. Later. Yeah...)

    Check out the following stories:
    The Neverending Story Thread(comedy *sci-fi/fantasy*)--never finished--

    (in story order)
    The Change (The Second War) (sci-fi/fantasy) --not finished/on hold--
    The Crusade--tentative title (fantasy/sci-fi) --To Be Announced--
    Saga of the 3rd War (fantasy/sci-fi) --finished--
    The Shadows of Darkness (fantasy/sci-fi) --finished--
    The Eternal War (fantasy/sci-fi) --not finished/IN PRODUCTION--
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  8. #8
    Sran Cadpill: Relax guys, it'll take them much longer to cover that distance than their speed would suggest. We've got plenty of time to formulate an escape plan. I've seen it in movies.
    *The good guys all look at each other*
    Sran Cadpill: Any-
    *The crew are flattened by the charging HurricaneThrong*
    *The speaker crackles into life again*

    Wass: (Over speaker)No you fools!!! Charging is no good if you don't attack when you reach them!!!!
    *Sran and the crew look around to see the HurricaneThrong three bulkheads away and still accelerating*
    Sran Cadpill: Ha! So much for your elite troops Wass! Now we're going to come up there and get you!
    SpandexX: Oh yes, very good sir!
    Sran Cadpill: Yes, it is one of my better plans, isn't it?
    (Over speaker): THUD! THUD!
    MissusJupiton: (Over speaker) Okay, captain, threat neutralized.
    Sran Cadpill: Ah ha! Yes Wass! You weren't expecting me to have sent MissusJupiton on separately were you?
    SpandexX: That was an excellent diversion, sir!
    MissusJupiton: (Her tone managing to convey her rolled eyes) He's unconscious, sir. You don't need to pretend.

    *Things seem to be going our heroes' way, but what trick has Wass got up his sleeve, that even MissusJupiton hasn't anticipated?*

    [This message has been edited by Evil_Giraffe (edited January 14, 2002).]

  9. #9
    *now, continuing our space drama*

    Sran Cadpill: (into speaker) Right then... We'll come on up to the bridge and take over. Get back to your post, GingeraleTesty.

    MissusJupiton: That's MissusJupiton to you! ...sir. And whadda ya mean get back to my post? I DON'T EVEN HAVE A POST!!!!

    Sran Cadpill: Ahh, right then. Well, ahh, just stay there, and we'll be on up.

    SpandexX: Wow, you sure taught her a lesson, sir.

    Sran_Cadpill: Yes, I did, didn't I? Anyone who's still alive after that last attack, please de-flatten yourselves and come with me.

    *Everyone stares in amazement as Ensign Redshirt stands up*

    Ensign Redshirt: What?

    SpandexX: (whispered to Captain Cadpill)Umm, shouldn't he be dead? I mean, what are extras for anyway?

    Sran Cadpill: Hmm, you're right... Oh well, maybe he'll die later. Let's get on up to the bridge.

    SpandexX: Excellent idea, sir.

    MissusJupiton: (over speaker) *coughsuckupcough* ahem...
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

  10. #10
    *The heroes have arrived outside the bridge door without further mishap.*
    Ensign Redshirt: I've got a bad feeling about this...
    Watto flies past, on business known only to himself
    Watto: What? You think you're some kind of Jedi waving your hand about like that?
    Ensign Redshirt: (Looking around) What? I wasn't waving my hand about!
    Sran Cadpill: Okay, Ensign Redshirt, lead the way!
    SpandexX: Brilliant, sir, just brilliant!
    *Ensign Redshirt reaches up for the door release lever...
    Nothing kills him.
    Ensign Redshirt pulls the door release lever...
    Nothing kills him.
    The doors swish open with a silky hum...*

    lerdvedder: That's a nice silky hum those doors have got.
    *Nothing continues to kill Ensign Redshirt.
    Ensign Redshirt steps gingerly over the threshold...
    Nothing unleashes its fearful powers against Ensign Redshirt's mortality to demonstrate its omnipotence.*

    Yvul_Jaraf: Why, hello there.
    *Ensign Redshirt faints*
    SpandexX: Ah, now we're going more to plan.
    Sran Cadpill: No, I think he's just fainted.
    SpandexX: Yes sir, excellently deduced sir!
    Sran Cadpill: Wait a minute! You're not MissusJupiton!
    SpandexX: Another brilliant deduction sir!
    Yvul_Jaraf: That is correct, Captain. I am Yvul_Jaraf. I am Wass's accountant.
    *The heroes look at each other.*
    Sran Cadpill: Uhhh, accountant?
    Yvul_Jaraf: Certainly. Do you really believe that a plan to take over an entire race and reduce them to a life of indentured servitude could possibly succeed without someone taking care of the accounts? I sit in my cabin and make sure columns tally up. That is why this plan will succeed despite the toppling of its apparent leader, and his subsequent escape. The economic, social and psychological tides of history under my control have already started their inexorable march to the ultimate aim of total enslavement of the Hemosopients. Buhahahahahaha!!!!! (*Calming down*) I'm sorry, I'm stuck in a little room all the time, I don't often get the chance to make speeches like that. It's a hard life being an economic mercenary.
    Sran Cadpill: Mercenary? Does that mean we could pay you to stop doing it?
    Yvul_Jaraf: Ah, captain, I wish it were that simple. The thing about mercenaries is, although you need to pay them lots of money to start fighting, you have to pay them even more to stop fighting. And even then, you would have to pay me on top of that to then fight against the forces I have set in motion... I don't think even the wealth of the entire universe would be enough to convince me to fight my creation, though I say so myself... (*coughs modestly*)
    *KiteiodTurrastie trundles up the corridor after having retrieved his broken video game*

    Yvul_Jaraf: Ah! Is that Space Invaders? My only weakness I'm afraid! May I have a go?
    KiteiodTurrastie: (*sobs*) No, he broke it! (*Points an accusing finger at Sran Cadpill*)
    Sran Cadpill: But if you fight your, err, ectoponic forces or whatever, we'll let you play Space Invaders all the time!
    SpandexX: Sir, what brilliant negotiation!
    Yvul_Jaraf: Hmmm, how can I refuse? But first may I suggest we go and find your, er, whatever she does? She's probably lying in a corridor severely concussed. I keep trying to tell Wass it's a trick up his sleeve, not a stick, but he doesn't seem to have caught on yet.
    *Sure enough, MissusJupiton is found in a corridor severely concussed.*
    Sran Cadpill: Well well, MJ, not so tough were we? Maybe you should have stuck with the fireteams? SpandexX, set the auto-destruct sequence - we'll blow the ship apart with Wass on board!
    SpandexX: Set the auto-destruct sequence!
    *MissusJupiton groans and rolls her eyes in a gesture that has nothing to do with her injury*
    SpandexX: Secure all securables!
    *After a protracted auto-destruction command, the heroes, plus one economic mercenary and minus one ensign, bundle into the shuttle and blast off back towards their own starship.*
    MissusJupiton: Err, where's Ensign Redshirt?
    *A blinding burst of light followed by massive vibrations as the shockwave of the explosion reaches the timy shuttle.
    Sran Cadpill: Ahh... did, um, anyone, er, pick him up from the bridge?
    SpandexX: Excellent plan, sir! Absolutely first class!
    Sran Cadpill: What? That wasn't a plan! That was a question!
    SpandexX: Yes, sir. And a brilliant question it was too. Straight to the core of the issue. I have always admired your interrogatory technigue.
    Sran Cadpill: It wasn't even interrogation. Shut up and don't push your luck.
    SpandexX: An excellent suggestion, sir, and one I shall implement forthwi - right, sir.
    *All the present extras are dead, Wass is apparently destroyed in the destruction of his ship, and Yvul_Jaraf the speech making economic terrorist is working to counter the invisible social forces set in motion by his own hand under the promise he'll get to play Space Invaders. What could possibly remove victory from the grasp of Sran Cadpill and his crew?*

  11. #11
    *His arch enemy seemingly destroyed, Captain Sran Cadpill now cruises the the stars in an effort to combat the evil economic forces uleashed upon an unsuspecting galaxy...*

    SpandexX: Captain, we're receiving a distress signal from a nearby freighter!

    Sran Capdill: Very good, Mr. SpandexX. Change course to intercept them!

    MissusJupiton: Are you kidding? We've just been through a major battle! We should be heading back to port for repairs!

    Sran Capdill: I am most certainly not kidding, MissusJupiton. The Spacer's Code requires me to always aid an astronaut in need, and I'll have you know I take the Spacer's Code very seriously.

    MissusJupiton: You left Ensign Redshirt to die on Wass' starship. Where was your 'Spacer's Code' then?

    Sran Capdill: Um...

    Yvul_Jaraf: I hate to interrupt, but when am I going to get to play Space Invaders?

    Sran Capdill: Oh right, our deal. Tell you what, I'll have my chief engineer get right on it.

    *He gives the signal, and KiteoidTurrastie takes his mangled video game unit down to engineering, and lerdvaddar, for repairs.*

    MissusJupiton: And just who are you? The new redshirter?

    Yvul_Jaraf: *He is taken aback somewhat by MJ's beauty and belligerant demeanor...* Well actually, I'm an financial mercinary...

    MissusJupiton: Oooh, I'm intrigued. Tell me more.

    *Yvul_Jaraf begins to explain economics to MissusJupiton, who hangs on every word.*

    *SpandexX is at the helm, flying the ship, and MissusJupiton is engaged in conversation with Yvul_Jaraf. Suddenly, Captain Cadpill finds himself with nothing to do...*

    Sran Cadpill: What to do, what to do...hmm, maybe I'll pester lerdvaddar about the status of the repairs, despite the fact that it'll only slow him down.

    *Sran activates the bridge intercom, and lerdvadder promptly switches on down in engineering. KiteoidTurrastie can be heard wailing in the background.*

    Sran: How are the repairs coming, lerdvaddar?

    lerdvaddar: Not well Cap'n...

    Sran: Go on...

    lerdvaddar: You have to understand, Cap'n, you can't just flatten a video game unit and expect it to work afterwards...

    Sran: What are you trying to say? Will we or won't we have a working version of Space Invaders to buy Yvul_Jaraf off with?

    lerdvaddar: I'm sorry, but Breakout's the best I can do. She's just too badly mashed. I gave her all I've got, Cap'n!

    Sran: Very well, have it sent up. I hope Yvul likes it...

    SpandexX: Don't worry sir, I hear Breakout is an excellent game.

    *How will Sran Cadpill make good on his end of the bargain, and in turn save the Hemosopients from being rounded up without that arcade classic, Space Invaders? More importantly, with MissusJupiton in love, who's going to babysit the Captain and keep him from irrevocably damaging things?*

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 16, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 16, 2002).]

  12. #12
    Who is KiteoidTurrastie based on?

  13. #13
    *The black carcass of the damaged freighter looms over Sran's hastily repaired starship.*
    Sran: Open hailing frequencies, SpandexX.
    SpandexX: Open hailing frequencies!
    *MissusJupiton rolls her eyes*
    SpandexX: Secure all securables!
    *Eventually communications are established between the two ships...*
    Sran: This is Captian Sran Cadpill of -
    *Sran is cut off as an evil sounding voice filters through the communication channel*
    Wass: I know who you are, captain. Now prepare to be blasted into oblivion! No-one shall stand in the way of my total domination of your species! I have many sticks up my sleeve!
    Yvul_Jaraf: (*Mutters*) Trick, dammit
    MissusJupiton: SIR! Freighter's power systems coming back online! Its shield systems at full power, and weapons targeted on us!
    Sran: (*Punching the intercom system*) lerdvedder! If you can't give us shields or engines at full power right NOW we're dead!
    (*Wass's evil hoax appears to have lured Sran into an unescapable trap. Will the crew find a way out of it, or will Wass's evil plans continue on to fruition?*)

  14. #14
    (KiteoidTurrastie is based (at least in name) on Caitan_Tourist)

    *When we last left off, our heros were in grave danger of annialation from the evil Wass, their ship in shambles. How will they possible escape this terror?*

    Sran Cadpill: (muttering) Man, that announcer's voice is annoying...

    MissusJupiton: ahh.. Sir? What shall we do about Wass, sir?

    Sran Cadpill: hmm, beats me... But we'll work that out when we come back on the air..

    SpandexX:Excellent idea, sir.

    MissusJupiton: (in an exasperated voice) Sir, we are on the air!

    Sran Cadpill:We are?? *Sran glances around* We are!!! (flustered) Well, ahh, then let's ahh...

    *Captain Cadpill is preoccupied with tucking in his shirt, and straightening his tie*

    *lerdvaddar walks onto the bridge*

    lerdvaddar:Cap'n, I've got yer Breakout here, sir.

    Sran Cadpill:Ok then... I would have suspected that you'd have sent a flunkie to deliver it to me...

    SpandexX: Excellent suspicion, sir.

    Sran Cadpill: Yes, of course it was...

    lerdvaddar: Yes, wall, Cap'n. You can't trust something as serious as a classic video game to a flunkie.

    Sran Cadpill: Quite true... Set it on the de- err console and get back to Engineering, please.

    *lerdvadder sets the game down on the console and walks out*

    Sran Cadpill: Now then... What shall we do about Wass?

    MissusJupiton: Ahh, sir? While you were speaking with lerdvadder, I took the liberty of powering up the engines and shields, and plotting an escape vector. All you need to do is press that flashing green button on your console and we'll go to Atomic Blastoff.

    Sran Cadpill:Very well, MJ. You may return to your post.

    *MissusJupiton rolls her eyes*

    MissusJupiton: Just push the button, sir.

    Sran Cadpill: Right then...

    *Sran Cadpill accidentally presses the flashing red button*

    Computer: Self Destruct sequence initiated. 10 minutes until destruction.

    Sran Cadpill: ahh...

    SpandexX: Excellent idea sir. A self destruct will confuse him.

    Sran Cadpill: Right... That's ahh, exactly what I was thinking.

    *How will our brave heros escape this mess? Will Yvul_Jaraf accept the Breakout game instead of Space Invaders? There's only one thing to do. Stay tuned.*
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

  15. #15
    That is hilarious! Please continue!

    (I don't suppose you could add me as a force sensitive new recruit who occaisionally says funny things but is incompetent and who gets ridiculously irritated at the smallest thing? I'd love to have my name (Tristan Snowsill) deliberately misspelt!)

  16. #16
    (Well, it's good to hear that people are paying atttention... As for a "force sensitive" person... I don't know. Technically this story doesn't really have force... I guess I can come up with something different.)

    *When we last left our brave heros, they were in quite a dire situation. How will they escape?*

    Sran Cadpill: Well then, MissusJupiton, what would you do in this situation?

    MissusJupiton: Oh no, sir. You're not gonna let me bail you out this time... You'll have to figure this one out on your own. I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy myself.

    *MissusJupiton pulls out a foldable deck char and lemonade from under her console, and relaxes luxouriously*

    Sran Cadpill: Well, ahh... We'll just...

    SpandexX: Excellent idea, sir. Make Wass think we're indecisive, while in fact you have a great plan.

    Sran Cadpill:Ahh.. Yes. that's exactly what I'm doing.

    *Suddenly, Sran gets a brilliant idea*

    Sran Cadpill: MissusJupiton, open a channel with Wass.

    *MissusJupiton reaches over from her lawn chair and presses a button on her console*

    Sran Cadpill: Ahh, Wass. We've decided to surrender. (at this point, Sran winks deceptively to SpandexX) We only request that you give us 10 minutes to ahh... secure our securables...[/b]

    Wass: Oh, allright... But what was that wink for, and what are all those flashing red lights on your bridge?

    Sran Cadpill: That? Oh that... That's ahh.. nothing. Just ignore that, please. Missus Jupiton, close frequency.

    Once again, MissusJupiton reaches over and presses a button

    Sran Cadpill:Darnit, MJ. I told you to open a channel, audio only!

    MissusJupiton: Did not...

    Sran Cadpill: Did too...

    MissusJupiton: Did no- Oh look!

    *MissusJupiton grabs a remote control and hits the rewind button*

    *Suddenly, Sran gets a brilliant idea*

    Sran Cadpill: MissusJupiton, open a channel with Wass.

    *MissusJupiton reaches over from her lawn chair and presses a button on her console*

    Sran Cadpill: Ahh, Wass. We've decided to surrender. (at this point, Sran winks deceptively to SpandexX) We only request that you gi-

    *MissusJupiton fast forwards back to the present*

    MissusJupiton:See sir?

    Sran Cadpill: Ahh... I think you tampered with the evidence. No matter, though. Let's ahh... proceed with my plan.

    *Sran Cadpill speaks into a microphone, and his words are echoed throughout the ship*

    Sran CadpillAttention all crew. Meet in the transporter-thingy room.

    *Everyone except SpandexX, MissusJupiton, and Sran Cadpill leave the bridge.

    Sran Cadpill: Now watch this fancy bit of work. MissusJupiton, open a channel with Wass. Oh yeah, audio only, please.

    *Channel is opened in the same way as before*

    Sran Cadpill: Wass, we are ready now. You may now begin boarding our ship. Close channel. (channel is closed) Now then, SpandexX, make sure our entire crew is given pulse rifles, and then meet us in the transporter-thingy room.

    SpandexX:Ahh, brilliant idea sir.

    Sran Cadpill:Of course... Now come along, MJ, let's get to the transporter-thingy room.

    *Sran grabs Breakout, and everyone leaves the bridge*

    *What is Sran planning this time? Will it succeed? Tune in next time to find out.*

    [This message has been edited by Sarn_Cadrill (edited January 17, 2002).]
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

  17. #17
    *The good guys are now assembled in the transporter-thingy room. They all wield fancy-looking laser rifles. Sran delivers a briefing*

    Sran Cadpill: let's review one more time. We beam over to Wass' new ship and shoot at him. Got it?

    *everyone nods*
    [Edited for spelling errors]

    Sran Cadpill: Alright then. lerdvaddar, use the transporter-thingy to beam us over, and be sure to beam yourself over before the self-destruct countdown runs out and the ship blows itself to pieces.

    lerdvaddar: Aye aye, cap'n!

    *lerdvaddar beams everybody to the freighter. However, he finds that the situation has rapidly deteriorated when he follows a moment later.*

    Wass: Ah, so the final member of your crew has decided to join our little shindig, Captain Cadpill. Welcome, lerdvaddar, I am the evil and dastardly Wass!

    lerdbaddar: *gasps* The evil and dastardly Wass! *He tries shooting Wass several times, then stares in horror at his rifle, which is malfunctioning. It seems that Wass has somehow deactivated all of the away team's weaponry.*

    Wass: Shut up!

    *Wass produces a stick, seemingly out of thin air, and clubs lervaddar over the head.*

    lerdvaddar: Ouch, that hurt...

    SpandexX: Don't worry, it happend to me too.

    Wass: Silence!

    *SpandexX gets belted again.*

    *Captain Cadpill's mind races furiously as he tries to find a way to both save the Hemosopiant race and spare his crew from further injury...*

    Sran Cadpill: *quietly* I've got it! *louder* So, Wass, aren'tcha going to go capture my starship?

    Wass: Look, Captain, I've seen Star Trek III and we both know you're trying to lure me onto your ship, which is counting down it's auto destruction sequence.

    Sran Cadpill: No, that's not it at all-

    *Suddenly, Captain Cadpill's ship explodes in a firestorm of destruction!*

    Sran Cadpill: That was just a fluke...

    MissusJupiton: I'm getting tired of this whole charade...

    Sran: What do you mean?

    Wass: I demand quiet! *he prepares to strike MJ*

    MissusJupiton: Oh, for crying out loud, there's six of us and all he's got is a stick.

    Wass: Wrong again my dear, I've got many sticks! *A quick flip of the wrist, and he brandishes a stick in each hand.*

    Wass: Come and get me, if you dare!

    *A brief scuffle ensues, resulting in Wass' being subdued and tied up.*

    Wass: Curses! That took more teamwork than I though was possible from you people!

    SpandexX: Someone hit me in the head again, and I don't think it was him...*he points at Wass.*

    MissusJupiton: Both of you put a sock in it. We've saved the galaxy...

    *Or have they?*

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 18, 2002).]

  18. #18
    (did they do that on Star Trek 3? (with the destructing ship thing). I never saw it. lol, anyways)
    *When we last left our brave heros, they had just captured the evil Wass, and were wondering what to do next, when suddenly...*

    Yvul_Jaraf: Wait a second... I didn't promise to help you for nothing! Where's my Space Invaders?

    Sran Cadpill: Ahh, here. We couldn't quite repair it well enough. All you've got is Breakout.

    Yvul_Jaraf:pfft.. Breakout? You think I'd volunteer my services for BREAKOUT??? I'm going back to Wass... At least he paid better than you.

    *Yvul_Jaraf acts suddenly and manages to free Wass, steals a launch, and goes to Atomic Blastoff*

    Ensign Bob:What the? That's not fair. We didn't even get a chance to fight back... Dumb authors...

    Sran Cadpill: That's enough out of you, Ensign Bob. You're lucky you're still alive after that little scuffle.

    Ensign BobWhat are you talking about? SpandexX's the one that got hit repeatedly over the head. I simply stood towards the back, and no one even showed any interest in me!

    Sran Cadpill: Yes, but you're an extra.

    Ensign Bob: What the heck does that have to do with any th-

    *A random explosion kills Ensign Bob*

    MissusJupiton: Sir, the ship is exploding. It seems Wass wasn't as stupid as yo- err as he let on.

    Sran Cadpill: Ahh, right then... Beam us back to our ship.

    SpandexX: Excellent idea sir. Simply top notch.

    MissusJupiton*coughsuckupcough* Sir, the ship was destroyed, remember?

    Sran Cadpill: Of course it was. Don't remind me of the obvious. Return to your post, MJ.

    *MissusJupiton sighs*

    Sran Cadpill: Now then, lerdvaddar. Is this ship capable of Atomic Blastoff?

    lerdvaddar: Aye, 't is Cap'n. But sturctural integrity is very low, sir. I don't think we'll be able to hold her together.

    Sran Cadpill: Ahh... MJ, translate.

    MissusJupiton:Sir, if we go to Atomic Blastoff, the ship will fall apart, and we'll all die.

    Sran Cadpill: Nonsense. We're main characters. We can't die. Now then, plot a course to Terra. We'll meet up with Admiral Sian Noaming, and ask for orders.

    *MissusJupiton punches in a few buttons on the console*

    MissusJupiton: Course is plotted, sir.

    Sran Cadpill: Right then, prepare for Atomic Blastoff.

    *MissusJupiton winces*

    SpandexX: Prepare for Atomic Blastoff!

    SpandexX: Secure all securables!

    *Three hours and 2 Ensigns killed through random explosions later, the ship goes to Atomic Blastoff*

    Will the ship survive the incredible speed of Atomic Blastoff? What will the Admiral say? Will MissusJupiton ever get back with Yvul_Jaraf? Keep reading to find out!
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

  19. #19
    That's wierd, setting the self-destruct and pulling a fast one on the bad guys is exactly what happens in Star Trek III...I thought that's where you were going with your post.

  20. #20
    *Previously, Wass's ship launched into Atmoic Blastoff with a course laid directly for Terra. But with the rather questionable state of the spacecraft will it be able to withstand the strain?*

    *The bridge of the ship is being affected by serious camera shaking. The heroes lurch from side to side, and smoking hoses fall from the ceiling.*

    Sran Cadpill: Arr, that's about enough I think! Cut the engines!

    MissusJupiton: Why? I thought you said we couldn't die?

    *MissusJupiton smirks*

    Sran Cadpill: That faith only goes so far! My head hurts, cut the engines already!

    *MissusJupiton casually hits a few buttons and everyone except for her lurches forward with the shuddering of the ship*

    SpandexX: Good job, Captain! You may have taken us directly into unexplored space!

    MissusJupiton: On top of that we burned up the last of our fuel.

    Sran Cadpill: Right. That was my plan exactly. We can get fuel from an asteroid or a gas giant or, right?

    Missus Jupiton: That's the first intelligent thing you've said. Wass's ship seems to be powered by Mytophylium, which is mined from asteroids. He probably has the equipment too.

    Sran Cadpill: I stopped listening after, the intelligent thing I said part. Go do whatever it was that you were going to do.

    *MissusJupiton rolls her eyes.*

    SpandexX: Excellent assignment of duties captain!

    *MissusJupiton leaves the bridge and there is a long silence.*

    Sran Cadpill: So...

    *another long bored silence*

    Sran Cadpill: Where in the galaxy are we anyway?

    *A crewman leaning on a console in the corner answers*

    Pengwyn: I believe we've entered the forbidden shadow sector. These borders have not been breached for over ten thousand years, and none who have entered have ever returned. All that and more is explained in these pamphlets, including a full list of unspeakable horrors, and colour illustrations!

    *Pengwynn hands Sran a pamphlet from his pocket*

    Sran Cadpill: Oh. How the heck did you get on my bridge anyway?!?

    Pengywn: Well it's really not your bridge, captain. It was Wass's.

    *Sran Cadpill glares at Pengwyn*

    Sran Cadpill: I don't remember you being on my crew, you're not in disguise are you?

    Pengwyn: You probably never saw me. All I do is hang around not getting killed. By the way, you might want to look at that screen, I'm going to warm up my escape pod.

    Pengwynn waves at the viewscreen which is showing a giant ominous looking black sphere with four long antenna*

    *Will our intrepid heroes survive this latest threat? What is that ominous black shape? Will MissusJupiton find a source of fuel? Will more characters be randomly introduced?*

    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."
    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."

  21. #21
    *We return to our heroes and find them engaged in the deadly battle of nerves that is Twister.*
    [Edit: tags]

    Pengwyn: (*From the side*) Err, captain? The giant ominous looking black sphere with four long antenna?

    Sran Cadpill: (*Straightening up*) Ah, yes. The giant ominous looking black sphere with four long antenna. Yes. SpandexX, open hailing frequencies.

    SpandexX: Open hailing frequencies!

    *Somewhere, MissusJupiton rolls her eyes*

    SpandexX: Secure all securables!

    *Eventually communications are established*

    Sran Cadpill: Giant ominous looking black sphere with four long antenna! I am Captain Sran Cadpill of the Hemosopients!

    *A voice filters through the communications channel*

    Voice: Welcome, Captain. We are the Golbswfla. You have entered the forbidden shadow sector. These borders have not been breached for over ten thousand years, and none who have entered have ever returned. Please see our pamphlet for a full list of unspeakable horrors, colour illustrations and admission prices.

    Sran Cadpill: Yes, we have your pamph- Wait a minute!! Admission prices?!?!

    Voice: Of course, Captain. Do you really think we can provide these services for free? Have you read the list of unspeakable horrors? And those pamphlets! The publishers keep hiking up the price on us year by year. How do you think we can keep this going without outside investment?

    Sran Cadpill: Oh crumbs. Another economist...Listen, errr, can we offer you a handheld Breakout game?

    Voice: Ooooh, Breakout! My only weakness! Go on then. I'll get your tickets many crew members?

    Sran Cadpill: Well, err, six main characters and a couple of extras that can die.

    Voice: There you go then, and if you ever get lost, find one of our information beacons. They're bright pink and usually have someone in a stupid costume nearby - you can't miss them!

    Sran Cadpill: Right, thanks...

    *So, our intrepid heroes sally forth into the unspeakable horror that is the Forbidden Sector Amusement Park. Will they escape the unspeakable horrors? Will they find fuel? And will they be forced to rely upon the luridly coloured information beacons?*

    Pengwyn: Err, if we've run out of fuel, how come we can fly into this place?

    Sran Cadpill: Shhh, plot inconsistencies are part of all good Sci-Fi stories.

    [This message has been edited by Evil_Giraffe (edited January 18, 2002).]

  22. #22
    *We return to find our heroes using up their very last drops of fuel heading into the Forbidden Sector Amusement Park*

    Pengwyn: Oh, we had a few drops left, did we? How very convenient.

    *Listen, who's narrating here? Just be quiet until I've finished. Where was I? Oh yes...

    Deep within the bowels of the ship's hold...*

    MissusJupiton: Yes! Got it!

    *She finds a handy communicator on a nearby wall*

    MissusJupiton: Captain! We've got all the equipment down we need to mine asteroids for Mytophylium.

    Sran Cadpill: Excellent work, MissusJupiton. Now get back to your post and find us some asteroids with Mytothingy we can mine.

    MissusJupiton: Get back to your post, get back to your post...

    *Sometime later, the ship is orbiting an asteroid MissusJupiton assures the crew contains Mytophylium.*

    Sran Cadpill: Right, we'll assemble an away team and get some Mytothingy, then come back, fuel up, then be on our way after Wass again. Any objections?

    SpandexX: No sir! An excellent plan! Assemble an away team!

    *MissusJupiton rolls her eyes*

    SpandexX: Secure all securables!

    *A few minutes later, a shuttle exits the hangar of the freighter, heading for the surface of the asteroid. Onboard are Captain Cadpill, SpandexX, MissusJupiton, lerdvedder, KiteiodTurrastie, Zangordo, Pengwyn and a couple of ensigns. What perils will they face on the asteroid, and will they get enough fuel in time to Wass' dastardly plans?
    Find out next time!*

  23. #23
    (NSP: Alright, time to add a small post to secure my spot in the story, and perhaps post on an irregular basis Let's give this a whirl...)

    Sran_Cadpill: Captain's log, stardate one-three-three-seven point, uh...drats, forgot what today, my ship has just entered the Forbidden Sector Amusement Park, in hopes of collecting fuel. So far, nothing...*long pause* Still nothing...

    MissusJupiton: Perhaps if you didn't spend all your time in front of the viewscreen in your ready room, sir.

    Sran_Cadpill: Um, yes, of course. Go back to your post then, MissusJupiton.

    MissusJupiton: Eyes...can't...roll...back...any...farther...

    Sran_Cadpill: *entering the bridge* Number One, report!

    SpandexX: Sir yes sir! Excellent plan!

    Sran_cadpill: Um...right. Just stay quiet for a moment, then.

    *Suddenly, the ship shakes violently, and several violent sparks erupted from a console, sending a nameless ensign flying in slow-motion.*

    Pengwyn: Sir, this nameless ensign needs medical attention!

    Sran_cadpill: But won't he just die anyways?

    Pengywn: It's the principle, sir. Being the moral leader-type, it's practically law that you do this. Besides, this will help gratuitously introduce another major character.

    Sran_Capdill: Um, right. To the sickbay then!

    Later, at the sickbay...

    Dr. Gehbock: He's dead, Jim--er--Sran.

    Sran_Cadpill: Well then, make him un-dead.

    Dr. Gehbock: Damnit, I'm a doctor, not a necromancer!

    Sran_Cadpill: I don't like your attitude, mister.

    Dr. Gehbock: What can I say? I'm a highly anti-social and rather moody person. And he-lloooooo Nurse!

    MissusJupiton: I told you a thousand times, no.

    Dr. Gehbock: Damn... Alrighty, well thanks for handing me over yet ANOTHER dead ensign. I'll get back to my secretive and questionable work, if you don't mind.

    Sran_Cadpill: Right...back to the bridge then...

    Who is this Gehbock, and is he really a doctor? Will they find fuel, or simpley avoid solving that problem? Find out soon! Alright, time to go back to narrating "The Neverending Story Thread" then...
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  24. #24
    *A mighty explosion rocks the bridge of Captain Sran Cadpill*

    Sran: What ... wasthat?

    MissusJupiton: Why are you talking like that? Are you confusing us with Star Trek again?

    Sran: I ... don'tknow. Maybe ... it ... hassomethingtodowiththatnewdoctor?

    MissusJupiton: Well snap out of it. That explosion was from another giant ominous looking black sphere with four long antenna. I don't think they liked us stealing their Mytophylium.

    Sran: Well, I don't see how they can claim it was theirs. It was just lying around on that asteroid.

    MissusJupiton: Surrounded by some heavy duty security robots that I had to neutralize while you lot just ran around screaming.

    Sran: Well, I don't see how that makes any difference... Anywho, are we fueled up and ready to go?

    MissusJupiton: Yes, course laid in - it's that green button infront of you.

    *Sran presses the button*

    Ship's Computer: Auto destruct sequence initiated. Five minutes to self destruct.

    Sran: ...

    MissusJupiton: You pressed the red one again didn't you?

    Sran: Ah... Abandon ship?

    SpandexX: Excellent plan, sir! Abandon ship!

    MissusJupiton: SpandexX, I really don't think we've got time for this...

    SpandexX: Secure all securables!

    *Mere moments later, the entire crew is assembled in the transporter room*

    Sran: Okay, let's take a little more care of this ship, okay?

    *lerdvedder hits the button, and Sran, SpandexX, MissusJupiton, KiteiodTurrastie, Zangordo, Pengwyn, Gehbock and various nameless ensigns beam over to the giant ominous looking black sphere with four long antenna. Fearing the carnage he may find on materialization, lerdvedder beams himself over...

    What will lerdvedder find inside the giant ominous looking black sphere with four long antenna? Will Captain Cadpill ever keep a ship for longer than ten installments? Find out next time!*

  25. #25
    [Edit - Well, I had a nice long post that just got preempted by Evil_Giraffe (stupid kmeleon), I'll save it for later, I guess.]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 22, 2002).]

  26. #26
    *Our heroes have suddenly found themselves transported deep into the bowels of the enemy spacecraft (lovely imagery)*

    Sran: *waving a gun around* Surrender!

    MissusJupiton: There's nobody here sir.

    Sran: Oh, so there isn't. Now let's- What the hell are you wearing?

    Pengwynn: That would be my uniform.

    Sran: It's...uh, very pink.

    Pengwynn: That it is. You see all the other important crew members get their own colour of uniforms. Since I'm the only one with a pink uniform I'm unique, and therefore I can't be killed, Cadpill.

    Sran: That's sir to you. I out rank you. Now take that thing off, or I'll through you into the brig for insubordination.

    Pengwynn: Do you even know what rank I am? I could be admiral? And besides, we don't have a brig anymore.

    MissusJupiton: Cut it you two, there's is no time to argue!

    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."
    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."

  27. #27
    (Sounding good, guys. I'll post more later this morning...)
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

  28. #28
    ...Nevermind I wont. Ran out of time.
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

  29. #29
    So did I, that's why my post cuts off.

    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."
    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."

  30. #30
    (NSP: Question--does ZHOH (Zardini's House of Homosapients or whatever) often have server problems, or is it just recent? The link given in the first post doesn't work for me anymore, and I really wanted to start visiting the forums. Any help on this would be appreciated If only I could think of a post for this story right now...)
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  31. #31
    *The intrepid crewers begin their takeover of the strange alien sphere...*

    Sran Cadpill: We need to capture this alien ship if we're to continue the hunt for Wass.

    MissusJupiton: Shall I go secure the bridge, Captain?

    Sran Cadpill:Certainly not! We're going to play this one safe...Fireteam Alpha, advance!

    MissusJupiton: Oh, brother...

    *Before Captain Cadpill has a chance to reprimand MissusJupiton, a strange alien being materializes into thin air!*

    lerdvaddar: Who the bloody hell are you?

    O: I am O, lord of the universe, and you'd better curb that tongue of yours lest I transform you into a Brahkdglahglallian Swamp Gerbil, lerdvaddar.

    Sran Cadpill: Sshh, let me handle this. *louder* Greetings, O, I am Captain Sran Cadpill of the Hemosopiants, and I come in peace.

    O: Peace, you say? Then why are you all decked out to fight a ground war?

    Sran Cadpill: Well I -

    O: I think I know why! I think you're here to steal my black sphere and go joyriding all over the amusement park quadrant!

    Sran Cadpill: No, we were just going to borrow it so I can find and defeat my sworn enemy, the evil Wass. You haven't seen him anywhere, have you?

    O: Don't try to change the subject on me! I hate it when people do that!

    Sran Cadpill: If you could just loan us the keys...

    O: So you can go shooting up the place? You must be kidding! *he sighs* I knew this would happen. After 10,000 years, I graciously open the border, and you've got the sheer audacity to attempt grand theft vessel. I even gave your group the family rate, for crying out loud!

    Sran Cadpill: that a yes?

    O: Tell you what. I'll cancel the auto-destruct on the ship you jacked from Wass on the condition that you never pull anything this stupid again. Yeesh, boosting a starship inhabited by an advanced race, that's a pretty dumb way to go. You're luckey I checked to see who it was instead of just altering the universe's gravitational constant in such a way that you'd all be crushed, like I usually do.

    Sran Cadpill: I guess we'll be going now...

    O: Goodbye, captain. Remember, I'll be watching you!

    *They are teleported back to Wass' former freighter in a poof of smoke. This nicely links up with my previous post...*

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 23, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 23, 2002).]

  32. #32
    *The intrepid crew returns to the bridge in order to continue the search for more fuel.*

    Sran Cadpill: Well, that was a fun little diversion...alright, let's get this show on the road! Mr. Pengwyn, lay in a course and engage! *he points out the foreward window.* MissusJupiton, see if there's any fuel-related information in the tourist brochure! *another sweeping arm movement* Dr. Gebhock, stand ready to administer medical aid! Major Tom, guard the bridge elevator doors! Dr. Gebhock - *he stares for a moment* What in the - why, there's two Dr. Gebhocks!

    Tra'cer: Quite, Captain.

    Dr. Gebhock #1: He's not Dr. Gebhock, he's Wass in disguise, come to kill us all! Throw him in the brig before it's to late!

    Dr. Gebhock #2: That's not true at all! He's the impostor!

    Dr. Gebhock #1: No I'm not!

    Dr. Gebhock #2: Don't contradict me, boy!

    Sran Cadpill: Stop it! I'm getting tired of constant bickering between members of this crew.

    MissusJupiton: Do you even understand the situation? One of the Dr. Gebhock's is an impostor, possibly even Wass hmiself!

    Sran Cadpill: You see? We can't even go a minute without the, we need to find out which Dr.Gebhock is the real mccoy. Options.

    MissusJupiton: Well, we could pull on their faces and see who's wearing a mask...

    SpandexX: Or we could take DNA samples and perform time-consuming tests in the lab.

    KiteoidTurrestie: Or we could conduct interrogation sessions in the brig!

    Sran Cadpill: Hmmm... *stroking his chin in thought...*

    MissusJupiton: Did you hear what I just -

    KiteoidTurrestie: The brig! The brig! *He pumps his beefy fist in the air*

    Sran Cadpill: ...I think we'll have them both interrogated. After all, we want to be absolutely sure of who's who...

    MissusJupiton: *throws her arms up in frustration* You know what? You can have them both shot for all I care. I'm taking a nap... *she leaves the bridge*

    Sran Cadpill: Well, that settles that. KiteoidTurrastie, Major Tom, apprehend the Dr. Gebhocks.

    The loyal crewers move in on the Dr. Gebhocks, who put up resistance. There's a brief scrap and noone is injured, except for Major Tom who manages to get shot, despite being the only armed person on the bridge.*

    Major Tom: *Flopping around the floor in agony* Glaaa...

    Sran Cadpil: Uh-oh, this isn't going well. Tra'cer, use your alien nerve pinch to render the offenders unconcious!

    Tra'cer: But Captain, I know of no such tech-

    Sran Cadpill: Now isn't the time, Mister! Do it!

    *Tra'cer wades into the brawl and punches out both Dr. Gebhocks*

    Sran Cadpill: Um...I wasn't expecting that. Don't you have a more painless method, or something?

    Tra'cer: No, captain. My race knows of no such technique, as I attemped to inform you.

    Sran Cadpill: Ah...Well then, get these lumps down to the brig *he notices Major Tom, who is twitching on the deck plating* And, uh, see if you can't do anything about him.

    Tra'cer: Yes, sir.

    *Tra'cer and KiteiodTurrastie leave the bridge, each with a Dr. Gebhock slung over their shoulder.*

    Sran Cadpill: Good, good. Mr. Pengywn, lay in your course!

    Pengwyn: What course would that be, Captain?

    Sran Cadpill: Oh, I don't know, how about second star to the right and straight on 'till morning?

    Pengwyn: Um, I don't we've got the gas for that, sir.

    Sran Cadpill: Now, now, helmsman, I'm the captain, and captain always knows best. *He gives Pengywn a condescending pat on the head*

    *Will they ever get more fuel? Ever?*

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 23, 2002).]

  33. #33
    *At that very moment, some where, off in the dark of deep space, a small fighter ship was destroyed by a single comet. The pilots name, was Goham, revered for his superior skills in space combat... He lives no more.
    Don't knock on deaths door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.
    A severd foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
    Procrastinators unite!

  34. #34
    *Last time we left our heroes they were venturing through space on a nearly empty tank of fuel*

    *The ship suddenly recedes from atomic blastoff*

    Sran: SpandexX!

    SpandexX: Yes sir!

    Sran: Why are we no longer in atomic

    Tri-Stone Rainledge: I'll answer that!

    Sran: Who the hell are you?

    Tri-Stone: I am Tri-Stone Rainledge, the most notorious star gangster in this quadrant, this is my astro-turf, or is that fake grass? anyway, this is my general area type thing and this is my seventh wife, Krathyn.

    Sran: You have seven wives?

    Tri-Stone: Eight

    Sran: Show off

    SpandexX: Quite right sir!

    Missus Jupiton: Suck up

    Tri-Stone: [to Missus Jupiton] And who might you be?

    Missus Jupiton: I'm-

    Sran: That's quite enough MJ, return to your post. She's a scientific advisory type thingamijig. What do you want?

    Tri-Stone: I too wish to defeat the evil Wass, and I was kind of hoping you'd finish him off for me, but you didn't, despite having many easy opportunities. I have a business proposition for you. I take over this ship, pump it fulla fuel and I let you be my inferiors. Together we will defeat Wass.

    Sran: Never! This is my ... this is ... whose ship is it? Who cares, it's mine now and I refuse to give it up.

    Tri-Stone: Are you sure? I have these super-turbo-mega-ray guns which can obliterate an entire army with one shot, if you join me you could use them...

    Sran: And if we dont?

    Tri-Stone: Then I will use them ... on you! Who is with me?

    *Missus Jupiton puts her hand up, as do Ensign Gregg and Ensign Franz*

    Sran: Insubordination!?! All of you, three days in the brig! Tra'cer, use your alien nerve pinch or punch or whatever it is that you do!

    *Tra'cer goes to punch Tri-Stone, who punches him with his right hand, which is covered with a metal glove. Tra'cer falls to the floor unconscious.*

    Missus Jupiton: You can't do that! He's one of our only sane crew members!

    15 extras: Hey!

    Missus Jupiton: Oh shutup you'll all be dead by the end of this scene anyway!

    *Tri-Stone has been admiring Missus Jupiton for most of this scene and she now looks lovingly into his eyes...*

    Director: This is not in the script!

    *A random explosion kills the director and all the extras.*

    Tri-Stone: [to MJ] I've never felt this way about one person before.

    Krathyn: Hey!

    Tri-Stone: [ignoring his 7th wife] Will you marry me?

    Sran: This is ridiculous! KiteiodTurrastie, take Tra'cer down to sick bay.

    KiteiodTurrastie: THE BRIG!?!

    Sran: No, sick bay. SpandexX, take this fashion disaster of a star-gangster down to the brig!

    SpandexX: What a wonderful plan sir, truly amazing, completely flawless, except we dont have a brig.

    *What will Sran do now that there is no brig? Will he be able to fight off the evil Tri-Stone? Will the real Dr. Gehbock be able to save Tra'cer from a nasty headache? Will the beautiful Missus Jupiton fall for the most probably evil plan of Tri-Stone (did I say he was evil?) and marry him? Why is Tri-Stone so evil if he has the same goal as our crew? What has Zangordo been doing all this time? What has-*

    *::Gunshot:: The announcer has been shot to prevent further annoyance. A new announcer will be hired by the next scene.*

  35. #35
    Just a question, how the hell did he get on the bridge?!? And I thought the shadow sector belonged to the other guy! You're confusing me!

    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."
    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."

  36. #36
    *At this time, a robot, looking strangely like C-3P0 runs through the ship, announcing that Goham, the fighter pilot will not be coming to the ship to offer his assistance to the mission. The robot seems sad, and continues to walk into cast and crew. No one really seems to care what the robot is saying....*
    Don't knock on deaths door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.
    A severd foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
    Procrastinators unite!

  37. #37
    "And on the weather today, plot-hole hurricanes are sweeping into the 'New Crazy Story' area from the southern region..."

    ( )

    (And ah, I feel the love! One of Dr. Gehbock wasn't enough )

    "Ante: And as for the time the singularity will last for, that all has to do with theoretical quantum phys... HOLY CRAP, A RAT!

    *Startled, Ante fires the PSG [personal singularity gun] at a small rat scurrying away from out heroes. The hallway seems to bend and stretch, drawn towards the singularity, and the rat flies into it, stretching its polygons to the max. 5 seconds later the point of infinite mass explodes. The hallway is undamaged, but the rat is now covering its walls. Our heroes have not moved an inch.*

    Cooked: God bless FPS physics."

    ~The Neverending Story Thread

    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  38. #38
    Yeah, way to not follow the story, halcyon.

    No worries, I'll handle this.

    Sran Cadpill: Wait a minute, you don't own this quadrant!

    Tri-Stone: Sure I own it. I've got a deed right here.

    *Tri-Stone produces a deed from the cavernous pockets of his old-style trench coat.*

    Tri-Stone: See? It's all mine.

    *Suddenly, the mighty O, lord of the universe, materializes in a blinding flash of light!*

    O: *In a booming voice* WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

    SpandexX: We were about to leave and then this guy in a fedora showed up and he had 8 wives and one of the wives was here and then he pulled out the deed to this quadrant *the whining intensifies* and please don't turn me into a toad!

    *SpandexX falls to his knees and clasps his hands together, begging O for mercy.*

    O: ...

    Sran Cadpill: What First Officer SpandexX means is that under no circumstances will we surrender this starship, to you *he points at O* or you *he points at Tri-Stone* or you! *he points at Krathyn.

    O: ...

    MissusJupiton: What Captain Cadpill means is that we'd be happy to help you get to the bottom of this situation, O. *she smiles sweetly*

    Sran Cadpill: I'll be the judge of what I mean, MissusJupiton. Hey, weren't you napping in your quarters?

    *For once, MJ has no sarcastic rejoinder for the Captain. She grows thoughtful...*

    MissusJupiton: Yeah...I was, wasn't I? How did I wind up on the bridge? And where did 15 extras come from?

    KiteoidTurrestie: Whoa...I'm starting to get really creeped out here...

    *All of a sudden the bridge elevator doors swish open and a distressed protocol droid waddles onto the bridge, waving it's arms in the air in a desperate grab for attention*

    Hambot: Goham is dead! Goham is dead!

    Everybody: ...

    Hambot: Goham is dead! Goham is dead!

    *Hambot bumps into the massive bulk of KiteoidTurratie and goes crashing to the floor. Hambot lands on it's back, arms and legs still in locomotion, as if trying to walk on thin air...*

    Hambot: Goham is dead! Goham is dead! Help, I've fallen and I can't get up! Goham is dead...

    *Krathyn is the first being to get over the surpirse of Hambot.*

    Krathyn: I'd just like to let everybody know that I'm still here.

    Tri-Stone: That's nice, honey. *his tone goes firm* Now, unless anyone else would like to interrupt, let's resume the discussion.

    Tri-Stone: *he begins to pace up and down the bridge, accompanying his words with mad gesticulation.* Is it true, O, that that you claim to own this quadrant?

    O: Yes, I -

    Tri-Stone: Then how do you explain this document? *he shoves the deed in O's face.*

    O: You've written 'I own this quadrant' on a piece of paper. Hardly legal tender.

    Tri-Stone: *sputters* You accuse me of falsifying evidance? Out-freaking-rageous! I demand a recess!

    Tri-Stone stomps off the bridge in a rage, Krathyn in tow.*

    Sran Cadpill: Well, I'm glad we've gotten everything cleared up.

    MissusJupiton: What? We haven't cleared anything up! And Major Tom still needs medical attention!

    Major Tom: Glaaa...the pain...

    *What will become of the unconcious crew members? What will be the outcome of O v. Stone? Does Goham have anything to do with Sran's mission?*

    [NSP - is Kathryn your girlfriend, halcyon?]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited January 24, 2002).]

  39. #39
    Hambot's eyes begin to blink red and green, and smoke pours from various leg and arm joints (these have stopped moving by now.) " is dead! Falling... Self destruction initiated in...5.....4......
    Don't knock on deaths door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.
    A severd foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
    Procrastinators unite!

  40. #40
    *Everyone dives for cover*


    *The robot shudders, sparks and dies. Smoke rises from the twisted scrap metal that was once Hambot*

    *Everyone glances up nervously*

    Sran Cadpill: Funny, I was expecting a bigger blast than that. No matter. Where were we?

    *Sran glances over to the director/writor, who shakes his head and shrugs*

    Sarn_Cadrill: (from offstage) Beats me, Sran. I don't even know who half these people are anymore. Looks like you're on your own.

    *Sarn_Cadrill sits down in his director's chair and closes his eyes*

    Sran Cadpill: Ahh... Right then. MissusJupiton, report. What exactly is going on?

    *How will MissusJupiton field this question? Will the director, Sarn_Cadrill ever understand the plot of this story again? Will I get shot like the last announcer?*

    *The announcer glances around nervously, then runs from the set*
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.

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