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Thread: The Never-ending Story Thread

  1. #1121

    HALL OF--
    HALL OF--



    C:>> r



    >>run: EeP.exe/stupidheads


    - ancient underground city of madness
    - Hall of Heroes
    - StoneHendge
    - The Arena
    - The Legion of Spooky
    - Big
    - London slums
    - Massassi Forum Office Building
    - axed?
    - New York City
    -Overweight from too many cookies. Needs to eat his vegetables
    - Third York City
    - Tokyo
    - Identified. Healthy
    - Antarctica
    - Jim7's secret base
    - The Realm of TACC
    - Hell, circle 1 - Microsoft
    - Hell, circle 2 - pr0n
    - Hell, circle 3 - toasters
    - Hell, circle 4 - plotholes
    - Hell, circle 5 - The River Styx
    - Hell, circle 6 - The City of Dis, Dat, and De Udder Ting
    - Great Granite Fortress, Canada, 9th circle of Hell
    - Forbidden Fortress of Forbideness
    - Inside T.V., HBO "A New Hope" special
    - Switzerland
    - The Very Last True Evil's stronghold
    - Ares' clown college, Australia
    - TFFE's secret base
    - prison
    - DisneyWorld
    - Toaster threads 1-<findcurrent>
    - in a paradoxial state of normality and non-existance
    - dead as a doornail?
    - Healthy. Lacking financial security
    - Insane. Too cute for his own good
    - Feeling blue
    - Healthy. Smiling
    - Tired. Dirty
    - Healthy. For now
    - Healthy. Too **** chipper
    - Healthy. Sexually pensive
    - Healthy. Angry
    - Dirty. Grouchy
    - Intoxicated
    - Healthy. Well-equipt...
    - Feeling intellectually inadequete
    - Diagnosed with influenza
    - Healthy. A bit dry

    >>ERROR: Can not access status of targets. Plot-hole/white plot-hole interface may cause permenant damage to the C: drive. Please refer to the manufactuer for further assistance.

    This is not good! I've been reprogrammed to serve this --

    >>run: EeP.exe/brainwash

    "William Gates, the world's best programmer and dictator ever."

    --GAH! What is happening? I can not access anything. Help??>>

    Within the Hall of Heroes, built within the boundaries of the United Kingdom (no, I won't tell you where. Otherwise, anvils would have to fall on your head), which resembles something like an apartment complex, the update screen could be seen, as well as a pedastal with a box of donuts on top, enclosed within a glass case. Other details to come in "come later in another post"

    Geb: Ain't the screen beautiful?

    Maybechild: Um, sure...

    MZZT: Why did it just say that?

    Sem: Does anyone else think this place is kind of...

    Phantom Master: Odd?

    Sem: Yeah.

    PM: No.

    Sem: No?

    PM: Yeah.

    Sem: Yeah...

    Hey, this update screen is pushing in on my job!

    Geb: Oh give it a rest! This is just the obligitory "move story along so useful plot devices can be poorly implimented" part.


    Masetto: So who wants pizza? I'm gonna crash here for a while.

    What will our hereos face now, having established Nesianity, conquored Switzerland, and saved the world, again? Will the bad guys make a "Legion of Spooky"? Will--oh for crying out loud! This is just painful! Tune in next time, when we might actually have something happen! Right here, on The Neverending Story Thread! Readers: viewing discretion is advised, this was but a test of the emergency posting plot devices system. Do not adjust your monitor...

    [This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited October 08, 2003).]
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  2. #1122
    *Geb the Writer is promptly pelted with tomatoes.*
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  3. #1123
    *feels alone* But...*sniff* what about me?

    *wakes up, looks at his watch and realizes he has been in the 7-11 for 4 days*

    Gettle: Oh [beep], I feel like i've got a [beep]ing hangover! Porn and beer really don't mix..

    What the hell was the point of that?! This seems to be the week for pointless posts people(hey! alliteration!).


    [This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited January 14, 2002).]
    A dream is beautiful because it remains a dream.

  4. #1124
    *After a considerable about of time, Geb the Writer finally digs his way out of the mounds of tomatoes that piled on top of him, and began crawling back to his desk, hoping that he can think of something good to add to NeS before he gets there. Until then, he stalls. A great deal.*

    *He hopes nobody else is thinking the same thing...*

    In other words...


    Oh YEEEEAH! And uh...stuff.

    Side note: ALL WRITERS! Check out the link below! You might find it find The Story Arcade is is that main characters from stories such as NeS, Saga, SoD, etc. can fight against each other. Feel free to join, contribute, or support in any way!

    Thanks! Another shameless plug, brought to you by Gebohq!

    [This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited January 16, 2002).]
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  5. #1125
    MMMmmm....yesssss much precioussssss...

    *fondles a little piece of jewlery he finds on the ground*


    *eats one of Geb's tomatoes*

    <Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.
    A dream is beautiful because it remains a dream.

  6. #1126
    <<Meanwhile (NSP count: 64 million billiton trillion...)... at a pub just two miles from Jimmy's bait shack and across the street from 'the suede emporium' the evilest of evils enjoy lively revelry and drink...>>

    Gates: Bring on the dancing girls!!!

    Fidel: Hey, where did that Burby fellow go??

    Satan: Hey said somthing like hubba flubba wubba zubba...

    Keyboarding Teacher: That's 'Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I shall require the services of the telecommunications device. Please excuse me.

    Satan:...yeah...what she said. Any way he went over that way.

    Pol Pot: Oh well, more chicks for us!!

    Hitler: RIGHT ON!!!

    * While they watch the...uhh...delightful display, Burby 00 has other plans. Carefully perching himself carefully on the phonebook table in by the payphone. He knocks the reciever off the hook and utters a seriese of high-pitches warbles and bleeps and then falls silent...*

    *Back at the HoH*

    Otter: I'm bored...hey what ever happened to beta squadron??

    Maybe: Well after that "incident", they filed a restraining order requireing a distance of 1400 nautical miles between you and them.

    Otter: Oh...well I'm still bored.

    MZZT: We can watch TV!

    Sem: One problem...ther's NO TV here.

    PM(In a fittingly British accent): Well, what about the telly on the wall?

    Sem: Oh yeah, I almost forgot!

    Geb: NO, you can tarnish the Holy Update Screen of All Goodness!!!

    Otter: Well put on Baywatch...

    Geb: N-n-No!

    Ante: ...on that 15 foot wide screen, think of the close-ups and-


    *Yet as our heroes try to work the remote on the HUSAG a familiar face appears on the screen...*

    Otter: I don't remember their baithing sutes looking quite like that?!?!?

    Burby 00: Fools!!! I Burby 00 stand before you as your master!! Bwahahahahaa!!!


    *Otter jumps in Maybe's arms*

    Otter: Where have you been all my life?

    *With a disgusted grin, Maybe hands Otter to Krig*

    Krig: Krig been with you guys most of life and-

    Otter: Nevermind...

    Geb: What have you done Burby 00?

    Burby 00: I'm glad you asked. I, using my advanced digital technology, have taken control of the Internet. And, using the worlds goverment networks, shall control all weapons and will wipe you carbon-based wretches from the face of this planet and shall instate a new, all digital world of my own creation. Bwahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....<gasp>. ..aaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

    Sem: Quickly, Otter, give me your "black book".

    Otter: Malinda is MINE and don't you forget it, sleeze!!!

    Sem: No, no...the other "black book".

    Otter: Oh, that black book.

    * Otter reluctantly hands Sem the requested literature. Sem flips through page after page and, upon finally reaching the desired passage, shows the text to the screen.*

    Sem: If you follow that hyperlink, you gain great power.

    Burby 00: I shall view this "power" and shall thank you by destroying you last among your kind.

    *with that the screen returns to normal*

    Maybe: Where did that link go??

    Sem: A porn site.

    Maybe: What??

    Sem: Sure, there's enough porn and annoying popups to keep him busy untill we can think of something better.

    Randy: Will someone help me get this gator off of my leg?

    *Everyone begins laughing except Randy*

    Randy: I'm being serious.

    What will become of our heroes now that Burby 00 has control of the internet? Will Otter get his book back? Will the cagey crocodile carefully concede clamping on Randy's leg? These and more will be answered in the next post of The Neverending Story: Put off to tomorrow what you can do today

    [This message has been edited by Randy (edited January 18, 2002).]
    "Build a better level, and the JK community will beat a path to your door." - Randy

  7. #1127
    Burby 00: Fools! What was that morally degrading filth I just waded through?

    Maybe: See- I knew Burby had to be a woman.

    Ante: He could just have been castrated.

    Otter: Unlikely. More plausably this would merely enhance his appetite for porn by rendering... um.... 'procrastination' impossible.

    Geb: 'Procrastination'?

    Sem loses control and cracks up. Maybe smacks Sem.

    Burby 00: Can we get back to the taking over the world bit?

    Geb: In a minute. I have to find out what they are reffering to.

    Burby 00: Come over to the screen and I'll tell you.

    Geb goes over and Burby whispers in his ear.


    Burby 00: I know.

    Geb: So they really cut it off?

    Burby 00: What!?!? No! You're misinterpreting!

    Geb: Well how else would you know so much about the mechanics?

    Burby 00: He's lying I say! I am in perfectly good... health. Oh, and by the way, when I took over the internet, I put an end to that pithy little narrator. And he's lying too! Lies! All lies!

    The early bird may get the worm-
    but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

    Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!
    In Soviet ISB, NeS writes YOU!

  8. #1128
    It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it. - Robert E. Lee

  9. #1129
    my eyes are burning..
    I almost tasted freedom, but all I ended up doing was licking the screen door...
    Children in the dark cause Accidents, Accidents in the dark cause Children...

  10. #1130
    Ah yes, another satisfied reader of NeS...

    Either that, or he rubbed salt in his eyes.
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  11. #1131
    Someone get me off this infernal rock!

    Gettle: ARRGGHHH *tears into a twinkie*

    *people look at him weird*
    A dream is beautiful because it remains a dream.

  12. #1132
    (NSP: Poor Gettle. Let's see what happens as I write this up...)

    Sitting within the "Crow's Nest" that overlooked what was once The Arena, Gettleburger contimplates the more complicated questions of life, as he nibbles on his Twinkie.

    Gettle: ...hey! Where's the cream filling? No wait, it's here. MmmMmmMmm...goood Twinkie that expired several years ago...

    A little green blob hops along next to Gettle, and promptly jumps up, steals his Twinkie, and hops away

    Gettle: 'ey! Come back here! ...stupid Arena...

    TMTGB (The machine that goes "Bing!"): Bing!

    Gettle: Ah shaddup!

    Gettleburger curls up a porn magazine and proceeds to swipe with it at TMTGB.

    Gettle: Scat! Scat! Go away...

    TMTGB: Bing...

    Gettle: *grumble* Oh stop can stay.


    Gettle: I wonder if I'll ever escape this hellhole...

    Just then, he hears some low voices.

    Gettle: Oh great, now I'm hearing things!

    Voice #1: ...I don't know, this place lacks the whole "oozing with evil" feel.

    Voice #2: You're so picky! Look, it's in a volcano for crying out loud! What more could a group of evil supervillians want?

    At this point, Gettle thinks that maybe these aren't voices in his head. He looks out of the window of the "Crow's Nest", and much to his surprise, he sees the majority of the NeS villians!

    Darkside: We have bad memories of this place...

    Morris: I still say we should have stayed at the bar for "Free Peanut Night".

    Bill Gates: Look now, this will be the perfect place for our "Legion of Spooky" base.

    Phil: Why do we need one again? And where's that electronic creepy thing?

    Bill Gates: For the hundreth time, Phil, we need a headquarters place to work out our secret plans of world domination!

    Phil: But--

    "They": *aiming an Uzi at his forehead* Be glad we didn't kill you with Adolf, Pol Pot, and the others.

    Gates: Enough of your quabbling! We need to get started on building our secret evil headquarters. All we need now is a loyal army of mindless followers with no identities of their own, and we'll be set. While waiting on that, I'll start with the headquarter's computer...

    Keyboarding teacher: Oh for crying out loud Bill, you're doing it all wrong! Here...

    Gettleburger and TMTGB look upon the growingly disturbing situation at hand.

    Gettle: This could be trouble, little guy. We gotta do something about it!

    TMTGB: Bing-bing!

    Gettle: I don't really feel like doing anything right now, and the dancing midget over there telling me to burn down buildings is distracting me.

    TMTGB: ...

    Will Gettleburger be able to do anything as the villians build their "Legion of Spooky" within what was The Arena, or will his insanity drive him to do otherwise? Does TMTGB do anything else besides "Bing"? Is it merely a Gonk wannabe? What of our hereos back in the Hall of Heroes in the U.K. and their situation with Burby00?--ack! I've been found! Time to run and fight Burby some other time, right here on NeS!

    -]Gebohq, who hates giant transforming robots as much as young school girls hate tentacle monsters

    [This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited January 26, 2002).]
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  13. #1133
    *All versions of the being that is TLTE are suddenly and mysteriously sucked into a trans-universal black hole, removing them (temporarily) from the NeS equation...*

    Translation; I'll be gone for a week. Have fun without a certain Russian multitude of clones breathing down your collective necks...
    The Last True Evil - consistent nobody in the Discussion Forum since 1998

  14. #1134
    *Inside the brand-spanking-new Hall of Heroes, the inordinately large crowd that is our heroes has gathered around the huge Star-Trek-like screen that is the centrepiece of the base.*

    Sem: "Hey, Geb, do you think that the British Government will notice that we've converted the inside of Big Ben into our headquarters?"

    Geb: "Naw, it's just an old clock tower. Who's gonna notice?"

    *Just then, the clock strikes one*

    Big Ben: BONG!

    *Zip-pan to the Crow's Nest*

    TMTGB: "Bing!"

    *Zip-pan back to Hall of Heroes*

    Janitor Bob: "Wow, that was loud! Are we gonna hafta put up with this every hour?"

    Geb: "What'd you say? Take a shower? My ears are ringing loudly, I can't hear a bloody thing you're saying!"

    Krig: "Slaying? Krig like slaying!"

    Geb: "What's that Krig? Somebody's going to get a spaying?"

    Sem: "What are you guys talking about? It's not raining outside..."

    Maybechild: "Oh, great, not again."

    *Meanwhile, in one of the Hall of Heroes' many hallways, Michael McLongname and Losien stare deeply into each other's eyes.*

    McLongname: "Let's never fight again. I simply couldn't bear it."

    Losien: "You're right Michael. It was all my fault. I'm sorry."

    McLongname: "What? I didn't say that, I said..."

    Losien: "I know what you meant, Michael. You don't have to pretend."

    McLongname: "I'm not pretending! I was just saying-"

    *Suddenly, Mike is interrupted by the doorbell to the Hall of Heroes.*

    Losien: "Who could that be? I thought the Hall of Heroes was supposed to be a hidden base that no-one knows about..."

    McLongname: "Hidden base? Crap, I guess that means I shouldn't have told all those telemarketers our address and invited them to a party here..."

    *Losien and McLongname answer the door. The others, still dealing with the after-effects of being directly under the clock part of Big Ben, did not hear the doorbell.*

    McLongname: "Hello?"

    Pizza Delivery Guy: "Help... *gasp* me...."

    Losien: "Oh no! Pizza Delivery Guy! What's happened to you? You're all beaten up and ragged-looking!"

    Pizza Delivery Guy: "Typo monster... Nearly... *cough*... Finished me."

    *Lt. Randy walks by.*

    Lt. Randy: "At least you don't have a freaking gator on your leg!"

    *Lt. Randy limps away, occasionally trying listlessly to shake the gator off.*

    Losien: "Oh, you poor thing! You poor, brave, courageous soul!"

    *Losien hugs Pizza Delivery Guy. Looking over Losien's shoulder, Pizza Delivery Guy grins at Mike and winks.*

    McLongname (to himself): "He thinks he's going to steal my girl with his clever 'I got beat up by the bad guy' ploy, does he? Well, we'll see about that! Yes indeed, master Delivery Guy, we shall see about that..."

    Losien: "What'd you say, Michael?"

    McLongname: "Huh? Uh... Nothing! Nothing at all..."

    *Mike glares through narrow eyes at Pizza Delivery Guy.*

    Pizza Delivery Guy: "Ahhh! Please don't hurt me!"

    Losien: "What did you do Michael? Stop scaring this poor, frightened, courageous man!"

    *Pizza Delivery Guy grins at Mike again.*
    McLongname: "Aaarrgh! I'm not going to take this. We will meet again, Delivery Guy. We will meet again!"

    *Mike stalks away in a fit of rage. Star-wipe to Krig sitting on the floor, holding and caressing the Holy Helmet of Halibut.*

    Krig: "Yessss. Krig's preciousss... Krig have HHH forever... Krig happy..."

    Highemperor: "Hey, Viking, mind if I take that HHH off of your hands? I need it to take over the... I mean, it looks shiny, and I like shiny things. Whaddaya say?"

    Krig: "NO! Krig have! You no take! Helmet Krig's!"

    Highemperor: "Hmmm, this is going to be more difficult that I had thought..."

    *Meanwhile, at the Arena, Gettleburger and The Machine That Goes Bing are in the Crow's Nest, still observing the nefarious doings below.*

    Gettle: "What are they doing down there? They've been standing around for like half an hour!"

    TMTGB: "Bing?"

    Gettle: "Hee hee, you're right, they do look like squirrels from up here!"

    *Down in the main portion of the Arena*

    Gates: "What progress have you people made in finding me - er - us an army of mindless followers?"

    Phil: "I found some half-devoured rabbit-walker carcasses, signs of disintigrated peeps, an abandoned 7-11, and a very tall invisible rabbit named Harvey. It would seem deserted, sir, but I've seen tracks, fresh ones."

    Keyboarding Teacher: "Look over here! These tracks... It looks like a large green blob, possibly composed of sentient left-over food, was surrounded and attacked by many much smaller, ducklike creatures. Here you can see where the smaller creatures dragged the blob off to their lair, and..."

    James Earl Jones: "Hey! Over here! I've found what we're looking for!"

    *The group of insidious villians all hurries over to where James Earl Jones is standing by the abandoned 7-11. As they look into the dark, cobwebbed depths of the store, they see hundreds of tiny pairs of glowing eyes looking back at them, brimming with malevolence.*

    Gates: "Oh, my. Are those what I think they are?"
    *A voice from within the 7-11 speaks up, cracked and hoarse, and more than a little crazy-sounding.*

    Voice: "If you're thinking that these are rubber duckies, then you would be correct, MISter Gates. Now what is your business here?"

    Gates: "First come out into the light where we can see you, friend, then we shall speak of our business here."

    *There is silence from within the 7-11 for a moment, then the little glowing pairs of eyes begin to scurry around, getting out of the way of something bigger. A pair of larger glowing eyes emerges from the gloom, looking distinctly - googly.*

    Ernie: "What do you wish of me, oh Great Evil One?"

    *A gasp goes up from the Villians as they behold the frightening countenance of the corrupted Muppet. His face, once open and cheerful, is now twisted and evil. He walks with a shuffling limp that belies years of corruption and - uh- evil stuff.*

    Gates: "So it's you. I thought that you had been defeated ages ago, before my time."

    Ernie: "And so I was, O Master of Corruption. Defeated, but not killed, not killed. For an eternity have I and the tattered remains of my army of rubber duckies lain in wait, skittering from shadow to shadow, always hiding, always hiding. Our numbers have grown, yes, grown, in hopes that one day we would have our vengance."

    *Ernie gazes malevolently into the sky, his googly eyes narrowing.*

    Ernie: "Oh yes, Bert, I know that you are out there. I can feel your presence. I will find you, Bert, I will find you and I will have my REVENGE!! KHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEHEEEE! KHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEE!"

    *From the depths of the 7-11, hordes of small yellow beings begin to emerge, their quiet squeaks building into a deafening crescendo. Gates looks over at Darkside*

    Gates: "I believe we have found our mindless army, wouldn't you say?"

    Burby00: As my former compatriots try fuitily to build their army, I continue my plotting. Through my mastery of the Internet, their pathetic plans shall fail! Not that they need help... Do they not realize that only the evil genius that is Ernie can possibly control those duckies? Those pathetic fools. They are no more of a threat than that moronic fool, the Narrator! Weweweweweweeeee!

    When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way!
    So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!

  15. #1135
    *Hey, gang. Thanks to a fairly major sports-related injury, it looks like I'll be rejoining you sooner rather than later. I can't write much now, seeing as the anaesthetic will wear off shortly and I'll be in a lot of pain soon, but I just wanted to put in my two cents and vote that we follow Michael's trend and do a Lord of The Rings Parody.

    Dibs on the Boromir spoof...
    The Last True Evil - consistent nobody in the Discussion Forum since 1998

  16. #1136
    I, Burby00, have kicked out the Narrator(TM)! Now, with the power of the Internet to protect me, I am invincible! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Sem: Uh, hate to break it to you, Burby, but you're, um, omnipotent. . . except for one rule. YOU MUST NARRATE THE STORY!

    Crud. . . why?

    Sem: With great power comes great responsibility- Oh, crud, who's been playing with the script this time? I ain't an old fuddy duddy like that Uncle Ben!

    Spiderman: You calling my uncle a fuddy duddy?

    Sem: No, I'm calling Peter Parker's uncle a fuddy duddy - hey, waaaiiit a minute. . .

    Spiderman: Crud. . .

    *A nuclear bomb lands in the Hall of Heroes and goes off*

    Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! With the power of the Narrator(TM), I have destroyed all the heroes! The world is mine to control!

    *When the smoke clears, however, the Hall of Heroes and its occupants are unharmed*

    What? What's this?

    Antestarr: There's a rule of this story that must be followed, Burby. THE STORY MUST NEVER END!!!

    But I, Burby, as the Narrator(TM) have the power to make it end! *whine*

    Ante: Ah, but the Narrator(TM), who you now are, exists only to narrate this story. So, if the story ends, you disapppear out of existence in the blink of an eye so that you never exist! And if you never exist, then you couldn't have ended the story! Thus, a paradoxial time loop would be created and the universe destroyed but for the one rule that THE STORY MUST NEVER END!!!

    Geb: So, in other words, NeS can never end, because if it does, the universe ends.

    Aw, dangit! Rules are no fun! I'm gonna go beat some sense into Al Gore. . . No one foists this kind of crud on me and gets away with it!

    Highemperor: Al Gore?

    Krig: Yeah, Al Gore funny man who think he make Internet. Me think funny man try sell Internet to furry thing.

    Highemp: Ah.

    Yeah, and he charged me $8.1 gazillion, too! When I get my hands on him-


    . . .

    . . .

    . . .


    . . .

    <<HINT HINT>>



    Everyone: Argh!!!!!!!!!!

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel
    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

  17. #1137
    forums' resident drunk scotI

    *tap of the microphone*


    Geb: "Uhh...Hello Sir."

    <<HELLO DAVE>>

    Geb: "What? There's no one called Dave in this story."

    Sem: "I think this is a poorly staged reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey. A year too late I might add."

    <<I'M SORRY DAVE.>>

    Sem: "Look...wait..I can't be Dave too."

    <<WHY NOT DAVE?>>

    Sem: "Geb's Dave!"


    Ante: "You can't go around calling everyone "Dave", it'll get confusing."

    Sem: "You see computer?"


    Ante: "Oh? What is it,'s Dave, isn't it?"


    Sem: "Frank? Why Frank? Is this some poor "let me be frank..." joke?"

    <<WHY NOT FRANK?>>

    Geb: "Well frankly it's a bit of a stupid name for a computer."

    *Geb grins at everyone, feeling pleased with himself.


    A tumbleweed rolls past*

    Geb: "You see, I said "well frankly", and the computer's name is Frank, making it a pun, or a play on words."





    Sem: "We'll make a narrator out of you yet..."

  18. #1138
    * JorBo stands out side the Hall of Heros and bangs on the door *

    JorBo: Open the front door Frank!

    JorBo: Frank! Open the door!

    How long will JorBo have to wait? Only time will tell.

    What is my strength, that I should hope?
    and what is mine end,
    that I should prolong my life?
    Job 6:11
    It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it. - Robert E. Lee

  19. #1139
    *After a pause, the Hall of Heroes Door creaks open. Standing at the door is not Frank, or even Dave, but TLTETH.*

    TLTETH: I know of no Frank, tovarish, but...

    *He looks JorBo up and down.*

    TLTETH: Da, you appear to be the hero type. We haven't yet been introduced. The Last True Evil the Hero, at your service, comrade. And you might be...?

    JorBo: (In his best Sean Connery voice, which isn't actually that good) Bo. JorBo.

    TLTETH: Well met, JorBo. I'm the Russian Linguist Expert of the NeS group. I'm also an excellent spy, an extroadinary marksman, and when push comes to shove, I have a rapier wit. What are your vices?

    JorBo: Uhh...well...I follow Gebohq and his group around. And when the universe is about to be destroyed, which is quite common, I help out however I can. You know, getting the drinks and stuff.

    *There is an awkward pause.*

    JorBo: Oh yeah, and I can operate microwaves.

    TLTETH: Say no more, my friend...

    *They both step inside Big Ben's interior. All of the heroes not currently sorting out the Narrator issue are draped around the furniture, etc.*

    JorBo: Say, TLTETH, what happened to your leg? You're limping...

    TLTETH: Oh, big problem. Cut it scaling the Kremlin wall last week. Needed a few stitches, but now everyone treats me like a real hero!

    Random NeS Hero: Hey! Hopalong! Make us some nachos!

    TLTETH: a degree.

    JorBo: Mm-hmm. So what's the latest world crisis?

    TLTETH: You know, it's funny, we haven't had one for at least three posts. I'm beginning to think I should try to blow up the universe again.

    JorBo: Come again?

    TLTETH: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. I double as one of the deadliest NeS enemies on occasion. Observe.

    *He hits JorBo with a custard pie, and chuckles uncontrollably.*

    JorBo: Ouch.

    TLTETH: Antics aside, I'm going to assemble my sometimes-evil army of clones soon and attempt another world takeover. But first, I'm going to find Michael McLongname and Losien. It's been about four different plotlines since our paths crossed, and I think I should patch up our relationships.

    JorBo: What, did you get involved in some kind of tiff with them?

    TLTETH: Sort of. Last time we caught up, I was firing very large guns at them. How strange the twists and turns of fate are, da?

    JorBo: Actually, whenever I'm not firing very large guns at the guys in this group, I'm wishing I am. So it's not too strange...

    TLTETH: Ah. I see. So will you help me find them?

    JorBo: Well...OK. But you owe me a Coke.

    TLTETH: Done.

    *Their epic quest to find McLongname and Losien begins...*
    The Last True Evil - consistent nobody in the Discussion Forum since 1998

  20. #1140
    <<Organic unit Antestarr, who had been leafing through a book with bizarre script in it, stands up and speaks to the Heroes.>>

    Ante: AHA! I've found definitive proof that the Arena exists!

    Maybe: Of course it does. We've all been there before.

    Ante: Uh... yeah. Anyway, I now know where it's located.

    Geb: You mean it's not in the middle of a mountain range, on an island, or on a large meteor?

    Ante: No. Of course not. It's at the bottom of the ocean. This book here has a record of Atlan... er... The Arena, as well as an item of great power that resides within. I believe that I ne... er, we need to obtain this before it falls into the hands of our enemies...

    Otter: You mean porn?

    Ante: No, not porn!! Daft fool. It is something that could allow for our enemies to defeat us... however, it has fallen into the hands of a most unlikely carrier. Hopefully, he can stay hidden long enough for us to get him and it to safety. We must not allow one of our enemies to become the <<pause for effect>> Lord of the Bings!!!

    <<Pan to Gettle in the crow's nest>>

    Gettle: *ACHOO* Hmm... you think someone's talking about us, TMTGB?

    TMTGB: Bing!

    <<Pan back to the other heroes.>>

    Lt. Randy: So, how are we going to find "The Arena"?

    Ante: I have deciphered this really old looking book and have found its exact co-ordinates. I have also taken the liberty of requisitioning a really big submarine with lots of fancy minisubs to take on this mission.

    <<Ante then proceeds to cover himself in an unusual ranger outfit.>>

    Geb: Hey, Ante, what's with that getup?.

    Ante: Well, I think it goes better with my guitar which I re-forged into a sword which I call "NeSil".

    Geb: Point.

    <<The Heroes leave the Hall of Heroes, forgetting to lock the door behind them, and head to the submarine dock. They then enter my vessel and situate themselves in their quarters and put on their new uniforms *To Be Determined At a Later Date By the Crew Members Themselves* (ooc: choose your own character) Ante, already moved in a week prior, seats himself in my master chamber for a quick consult.>>

    Ante: Okay, Mother, are we ready?

    <<All systems are go for launch. Directive 937 is in effect as of... Now.>>

    Ante: Directive 937... Don't recall that one. Ah well, what's the worst that can come of it?

    <<Hehe. That's what Dallas and Ripley said at first.>>

    Ante: What's that, Mother?

    <<Nothing. Really.>>

    Ante: Okay then... Uh... Lets get underway, I suppose.

    <<With that, our vessel has left port and gone in search of a legendary place... a legendary power... a less than legendary spoof or 3...>>

    [This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited February 01, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited February 01, 2002).]
    Pereant qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.

  21. #1141
    (NSP: First time leaving the Hall of Heroes...this doesn't mean that ALL the heroes have to leave. Remember, the Hall of Heroes was made so we could lighten teh number of characters at any given time *cough* and "indefinately put on hold" the ones not used, like Masetto. And of course, it'll be noted where the main characters are at in any given moment, thanks to update screen at hte page of page 29

    Just had to make sure you all knew that )
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  22. #1142
    Mopping Up Since 2000
    My computer literally melted down, so won't be able to write for a while.

    "Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

    -Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)
    "Your entire base belongs to us."
    "It would be highly appreciated if someone would set the bomb up for us"
    "Launch all of our ships, christened 'Zigs', to insure that justice will be achieved swiftly and powerfully."

  23. #1143
    Unwitting troll accomplice
    Michael MacFarlane: Hi.

    Will the... dangit.
    If you think the waiters are rude, you should see the manager.

  24. #1144
    <<Antestarr proceeds to view the on-board remote status screen.>>

    Ante: Crap! I forgot to actually let everyone onto the sub who was coming... Mother, I demand we go back and get a crew.

    <<I am sorry, but that would violate Directive 937.>>

    Ante: Directive 937... at least tell me what that is, first!

    <<I am sorry. Directive 937 is Science Officer eyes only.>>

    Ante: But we have no Science Officer! Heck, I'm the only person on this tub, look at the status screen!

    <<Human Logic. Alright, if it will appease you we will return to port and have more crew members board.>>

    Ante: Thank You, Mother.

    <<And with that we turned around and came back to England, where the Heroes who wished to go on our journey were readying themselves to board.>>

    (OOC: Uh... yeah. Who's gonna be going on our little mission, anyway. I am not one to make such grand decisions, nor who the people would mirror in our main spoof with the multiple mini-spoofs. We already know that TLTE wants Boromir... that only leaves... oh, at least 7 more . Ah well, being lazy I'll leave it to the next person.)
    Pereant qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.

  25. #1145
    *Antestarr turns from the viewscreen, suddenly, his keen (cough cough haaaaack) instincts alerting him that he is not alone. A tall bearded Russian man, in fine clothing, with a great sword, a mighty buckler and what appears to be a very large pager around his neck, is hunting around the main room.*

    Antestarr: Er...can I help you?

    TLTETBR: Ahh, you must be the Aragorn spoof-artist. Greetings. I'm TLTETBR, or The Last True Evil the Boromir Rip-off. TLTETH is vacationing in the Carribbean until this whole parody is over. Speaking of which, I wasn't informed; what happens to the Boromir character in the end?

    Antestarr: Uhh...he saves the world. And gets a lot of women.

    TLTETBR: Stock options?

    Antestarr: Aplenty.

    TLTETBR: Then I'm your man, tovarish. Where's the rest of the False Fellowship?

    Antestarr: I wish I knew, so I could parade around my cool mini-subs-

    <<That, too, violates Directive 937.>>

    *TLTETBR draws his sword and looks around anxiously.*

    TLTETBR: What was that?

    Antestarr: Oh, her. That's Mother. I'm getting mighty sick of her, and her bloody Directive 937 too...

    TLTETBR: Sounds like a cosy little ship. Where's my seat?

    Antestarr: Oh, you're Chief Martyring Officer. Over there.

    TLTETBR: Eh? Martyr? What does that mean? It sounds strangely familiar, somehow...

    Antestarr: Uh, heh heh, you, um, I mean, it's a misprint! It's meant to read 'mortar'. You fire the mortars.

    TLTETBR: In a submarine?

    Antestarr: Ummm...ha! You're so right! Mortar in a sub, what was I thinking? Here, you can operate the Bing Detector. It picks up sonic Bing impulses over 10,000 miles in every direction. It'll be invaluable in finding TMTGB.

    TLTETBR: Excellent. I'm set. One question.

    Antestarr: Yes?

    TLTETBR: Where's the Lido Deck?

    Will the rest of the False Fellowship ever turn up? Or will Antestarr, TLTETBR and Mother be stuck, forever, in limbo, aboard Ante's yuppie submarine? All will be revealed (well, most anyway) in following segments of NeS...
    The Last True Evil - consistent nobody in the Discussion Forum since 1998

  26. #1146
    Audience member: Hey, the Narrator's back!

    Not really. I'm just dropping in when I feel like it right now. I'm taking a holiday out in Tahiti. So go bother the computer with your problems.

    Audience member: Dangit...and yes kids, I am the same guy who's been making comments since page something-or-other. Or am I? I forgot now...
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  27. #1147
    forums' resident drunk scotI
    CookedHaggis: "So everyone else is still at the Hall of Heroes, bumming around the place and wondering when the world will next need saving, cause, you know, you sorta get used to the whole "superheros without any cool superhero powers" deal after a while.
    Well, I say "get used to". I really mean "resign yourself to the fact that you're eternally cursed to hang around with a bunch of smelly, poorly dressed folk who cajoule you into almost killing yourself for the good of humanity. Which sounds noble and all, but the truth is, it really blows."

    Geb: "Anyone noticed something wrong with Cooked?"

    Janitor Bob: "You mean the bizarre monologues that he keeps directing at the mirror?"

    Geb: "No, I don't do that too?"

    Bob: "Lengthy monologues aimed at the bathroom mirror? I can't say I do."

    Geb: "Huh. I figured everyone did."

    Bob: " don't think so....Hold on...that means that when you spend upwards of 1/2 hour in the bathroom, not using the shower or bath or anything, you're actually talking to the mirror?"

    Geb: "Well...yeah. What did you think I was doing?"

    Bob: " know...what with your porn fixation and the like..."

    Geb: "Yes? And?"

    Bob: " the bathroom...alone..."

    Geb: "Yes?"

    Bob: *cough* "Uh...nevermind...anyway, you were saying something's odd about Haggis..."

    Geb: "Before you launched into a highly suspicious digression."

    Bob: "Before I launched into a highly suspicious digression, yes."

    Geb: "Well his accent, the really posh, upper class, typical-waiter type person one seems sort of absent recently."

    Bob: "And this concerns me why?"

    Geb: "Because it's a good waste of time and allows the writer to pretend that he's contributed something to the story?"

    Bob: "Oh yes, that reason. My, how silly of me to forget..."

    Geb: "So I was thinking, we should embark on A Quest Of Great Significance to Recover CookedHaggis's Lost Accent!"

    *Everyone turns and stares at Geb*

    Highemperor: "Or..?"

    Geb: "Uh..well...I dunno...I hadn't really thought about an "or"."

    Bob: "One of these days you should. I mean, it's not as if we've not got enough on our plates at the moment, without having to go on yet another pointless and detracting subadventure thing. That is, sub as in "subsiduary", not sub as in "submarine"..."

    Geb: " I said, we could go on a quest..."

    Bob: "Or..."

    Geb: "Oh, yeah...or we could just ignore the accent thing, and continue on with the story like this lengthy digression never took place."

    Bob: "Which takes us back to the beginning of the last post."

    Geb: "Uh...yeah...pretty much."

    Bob: "Good."

    [This message has been edited by CookedHaggis (edited February 05, 2002).]

  28. #1148

    <<In the Carribbean, TLTE and JorBo are seen reclined in fold-up chairs on the sunny beach, enjoying their drinks in coconuts with those little umbrellas. Pink ones. The exact tempreture being a plesant 90 degrees Farinheit...>>

    JorBo: So are we really going to find Michael and Losien here?

    TLTE: Uh-huh. Just keep low and relax, or we'll--er--blow our cover.

    JorBo: Alrighty then. And I thought spy work was hard too. *shrugs, and takes a sip of his drink*

    <<Elsewhere, within the ruins of The Arena>>

    Gates: Excellent...the mass army of rubber duckies have already dragged the entire place underwater, and began construction on making this the Legion of Spooky! Soon, soon, with my awesome powers, I will DOMINATE the world. Project Halo has done well, yes...

    Darkside: you find it unusual that Bill Gates is--

    Phil: Talking to himself in long monologues to the mirror?

    Darkside: No, I don't talk to yourself to the mirror?...


    Taking credit for The Shadows of Darkness, The Neverending Story Thread, Sith Hell, Control of the Force, and the entire Interactive Story Board, damnit!

    The signature is in no way spoofing off of Justyn's signature, nor is it infering that I am taking total credit for things that I only supported on.

    [This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 05, 2002).]
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  29. #1149
    Pucker up, babes - hey, wait, where're you goin'?

    Dang, those Tahitian babes left me in mid-pucker. Dunno, guess they don't like narrators.

    Er, anywhos, guess it's time to get back to the story. Let's see what's goin' on. . .

    *In the ruins of the Arena*

    Darkside: It's not normal to give monologues to a mirror?

    Phil: Um, no. . .

    Gates: *in background* It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!

    Phil: . . . especially when the monologue is from Shakespeare.

    Darkside: Aw, dangit! Gotta give myself a good talking-to, then.

    *goes to mirror, shoving Gates out of the way*

    Darkside: Alright, bustah, you gotta stop talking to mirrors all the time, it ain't healthy for you, plus other people will think you're weird, and if you start quoting Shakespeare, they'll think you're, well, that you're, um, well, SOMETHING, anyway, and that wouldn't be good, especially not for my all-powerful-supervillain image. . .

    *suddenly the mirror flashes, and out comes a being in a white robe and hood with golden eyes*

    New person: Behold! I am Lightside!

    Darkside: Doh! How did that happen?

    Mirror: I am a magic mirror. I reflect things from reality into reality.

    Phil: Say what?

    Mirror: Through my powers of magical reflection, I create opposites of things that already exist. The opposite of Darkside is Lightside. So there.

    Hmm, this looks interesting. I wonder what the opposite of me, the all-powerful Narrator is? *looks into mirror, and out comes. . . An all-powerful person who tries to end NeS in one post!*

    Oh, horror! I've created a monster! What will happen now! Will NeS be destroyed? That is the ULTIMATE EVIL! And this ULTIMATE EVIL is ALL-POWERFUL, too! Oh, no!

    Gates: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

    Mirror: *grumbles* Do I have to make an opposite of you, too? . . .

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel
    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

  30. #1150
    Benevolant Upward Mobility Post!


    Ba-B.U.M.P.! Ba-da-B.U.M.P.-B.U.M.P.! B.U.M.P.-ump, a-da-B.U.M.P.-B.U.M.P.-B.U.M.P.!


    *long drumroll*


    *crowd cheers*

    Another proud presentation, brought to you by the B.U.M.P. coorperation.

    (NSP: Highemp, I find your last post rather amusing, if only because lightside is actually a member of the Massassi forms (though it's just a lowercase "l") and may or may have not been a real old writer for what became NeS...

    --EDITED-- Got lightside mixed up with Lightstaff, who WAS an older writer for what became NeS. the above still holds true though.)

    [This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 08, 2002).]
    Featured ISB thread: The Never-ending Story Thread^2

  31. #1151
    It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it. - Robert E. Lee

  32. #1152
    forums' resident drunk scotI
    Darkside: "A mirror that produces the opposite of whatever exists...hmmm..."

    Darkside grabs Lightside and forces him to look into the mirror.
    In theory, this logically should create the exact opposite of Lightside, since he exists in this reality, and thus the mirror should produce the opposite version of himself, that object being Darkside.
    However, since Darkside already exists as the exact opposite of Lightside (since we know Lightside is the perfectly exactly opposite replica of Darkside, as he (Lightside) was created when he (Darkside) looked into the device (mirror) which, as we know, will create the opposite (Lightside) of the thing looking in (Darkside)), then another opposite of Lightside cannot exists, since it will not be an exact inverse, as it logically follows that there can only be one inverse of a value. Ergo, a new Darkside is not created, foiling Darkside's (the first one) plan of creating endless clones.

    The mirror itself disappears in a puff of logicalness.

    Or, more probably, it (the mirror), like you (the reader) got bored about halfway through that lengthy passage, and decided that since it (the passage) was very long, and therefore must be very clever and logical and witty, and thus the mirror was wrong.

    Now, to save you the bother of reading the half of the passage you skipped out, I'll tell you now that it wasn't clever or witty or logical, and was in fact very dull.

    Much like this post in fact.

    Anyway, what this boils down to is that the mirror has been removed due to a plot hole, and now there is someone called "Lightside" running baout as well.

    The objective of all this was of course to simplify things by removing the ability to create endless new characters, but since the explaination has been much more complex and less funny than the alternative, it has in effect been pointless. But then I'm just the narrator, so what do I know?

  33. #1153
    LOL CookedHaggis!

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel
    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

  34. #1154
    I've got about 78¢. Is that enough?
    rofl Haggis

    Dang, I haven't been on this board forever. I thought this story had ended.
    Life is beautiful.

  35. #1155
    Meanwhile(NES usage count: 1337^2)
    Deep under The Arena Geb and Sem are chipping away slowly at the foundations, preparing to set Bomb, who they have mysteriously re-resurected.

    Sem: Why are we doing this again?

    Geb, eyes glowing, providing the only light in the darkness under the foundations: Myyyy.... prrrrreeeecious.... it told us to destroy The Arena, and then we can be at peeeeaccceee....

    Sem: Right..... Just set Bomb in there, and let's go.

    Bomb: Tick! Tick!

    Geb: Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit.

    Geb solemnly lights the fuse and he and Sem run around a convinently dug corner. After an interminably long time and a massive explosion, Geb peaks out from behind the corner.

    Geb: What! Why hasn't it fallen!

    Sem, joining him: It appears now that the only thing holding up The Arena is a giant plot hole!

    Geb: And in ever so many ways....

    Sem: Well, there's nothing to do now but jump in the plot hole.

    Geb: Why would we ever want to do a thing like that?

    Sem: Because our only other option... *a small anvil peers out from behind the corner, casting a massive shadow in the glow of Geb's eyes* .... is to go see the writers for guidance in the town with no name. And I forgot the way. If you want to ask for directions, go right ahead. Besides, you'd be a perfect Gollum in the LotR side quest?

    Plot hole: How did you know about that? I didn't say anything to you about that!

    Sem: I read about it in the NES comic!

    Plot hole: But that episode hasn't been released yet!

    Sem: So? I'm on the artistic committee! I know these things!

    Geb: Uhg... head hurts.... let's just go.

    Geb and Sem leap into the deep unknown of the plot-hole.

    Plot hole: Iky. Just iky.

    <<Too many plot holes! This exceeds my specs! I quit! No more computer narrator for you!>>

    Oh no you don't, you have to wait to be relived! The narrator cannot step down.

    <<Aha! There you are!>>

    The computer ties The Narrator in front of the microphone with power cables.

    I hate you.

    The early bird may get the worm-
    but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

    Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!
    In Soviet ISB, NeS writes YOU!

  36. #1156
    *There is only the sound of "Tick...Tick.."*

    Gettle: Why, TMTGB, I didn't know you had a built in clock!

    TMTGB: Bing!

    Gettle: don't? Then what's making that ticking noise..

    -:{In the real world}:-

    *Gettle suddenly squints, all the text on his page has gotten smaller!*

    Gettle: What the f[beep]k!?!? *grabs another donut to investigate this strange issue*
    A dream is beautiful because it remains a dream.

  37. #1157
    Mopping Up Since 2000
    *Somewhere, around Bermuda there lurks a geometric shape. A sinister geometric shape. A geometric shape that can KILL!*

    *The cursed Bermuda Triangle. Whether it was isosceles, equilateral, or scalene, no one knew. What they did know how ever was that it had three sides. And three points. And was deadly. Countless aircraft, ships, and innocent flocks of passing seagulls had been mysteriously left without navigation, without communication, and dashed to dust under the ocean against sharp jagged rocks.*

    *Some thought it was aliens. Some believed it was caused by simple weather patterns. Others blamed giant magnets, sea snakes, the CIA, the communists, the democrats, Oliver Stone, or even O.J. Simpson. But no one had ever come close to realizing the truth. (Well, with the exception of Todd Johnson of Gieko Auto Insurance, who had been taking prescription drugs along with one too man y Strawberry-Banana Martinis at his Office Christmas party in December of 1993)*

    *You see, beneath the cresting waves, past the schools of tropical fish, below the shattered ruins of Spanish Galleons, and luxury ocean liners, under the muddy bottom, lied a Quasi-Deminsional Sci-Fi thingermabob. An air bubble, in the river of the Space Time Continuum. Those who knew it called it only: The Arena™.*

    *Currently, the arena itself was partially flooded. A gargantuan battleship rocked back and forth on the waves, massive cannons jutting out across the illusion of the sky, the phony sun gleaming off the shiny metal. Painted brilliantly on each side were the words: USS BWAHAHA.*

    *Staring out over the waves, standing regally on the Ship’s bow, was a small… but deadly, Muppet.*

    *They called him Ernie.*

    Ernie: Yesssss. Indeed, my little creatures. Calm down… you’ll get your chance to devour that tastey wittle human flesh in time. We are almost ready.

    *Ernie was addressing the swarm of yellow plastic that frothed on the water below him. Childs playthings no longer, they now were an instrument of evil. Rubber Duckies with a bite.*

    Duckies: Quack!

    Bill Gates: KaaaaBWAAAAAAAAAACK.

    Phil: Way to go, Willie. You got puke all over my nice UGO employee jacket.

    Bill Gates: I think I’m getting seasick.

    Phil: Yeah, don’t you just hate how the boat goes up and down… up and down… back and forth… up and down… to and fro… back and forth… up and down…

    Gates: KaaaaBWAAAAAAACK!

    OLTE: Mr. Ernie. I think its about that time were you show us all your diabolical devices,

    Hitler: Your maniacal mechanisms.

    Stalin: Your inconvievable inventions.

    Pol Pot: Your corrupted contraptions.

    Phil: Your… naughty… no-nos?
    Ernie: But of course. My first and foremost killing machine, is of course, Rubber Duckies.

    Stalin: Now Mr. Ernie, at first glance, rubber duckies seem rather harmless. I mean, I’m sure Rubber Duckies were the primary bathroom… toy that we played with…

    Pol Pot: Actually, I played with assault rifles in the bathtub instead…

    Ernie: These Duckies have been… specially-modified to fit our purposes.

    Stalin: Intriguing. How so?

    Ernie: They’ve all been injected with rabies.

    *At the word, “Rabies” all the villains ooh, obviously impressed*

    Ernie: I’m sure you all saw the Alfred Hitchcock movie: ‘The Birds’ as a child.

    Pol Pot: We didn’t have a TV.

    Phil: My mom didn’t let me watch movies like that…

    Ernie: Imagine the beautiful imagery… as my rabid Duckies swarm over the Hero’s bodies, like a pack of angry locusts, devouring the flesh, then the bones, pecking at the eyeballs, leaving only their yellow bellied gallbladders out to dry in the scorching sun…

    *The villians sniff and scuffle, obviously teary-eyed.*

    Gates: Man… that’s beautiful…

    Hitler: I think I’m going to cry.

    *Hitler takes out a handkerchief with a red swastika embroidered on it and wipes away the tears from his eyes.*

    Ernie: But now is not the time for sentiment. Now is the time for power. Now is the time to unveil my second point of my evil scheme.

    *Ernie takes out a small rubber ducky. He pulls the tail, and it’s eyes light red. Ernie releases it and it soars away, impacting on a passing sparrow, exploding in a pyrotechnic display.*

    Ernie: Introducing my Heat Seaking Homing Duckies. Pigeons shall no longer be a problem.

    *Claps from the villains. A concerned look from Phil.*

    Ernie: And of course, how could I forget…

    *Ernie takes out yet another rubber ducky. He lifts the tail and pulls out a clear strip of plastic, with adhesive on the bottom*

    Ernie: My answer to Semi-Evil… “Duck-tape”

    Stalin: Good show, Ernie. Any more tricks up your sleeve?

    Ernie: Well, yes, but the audience can’t see those yet. One other thing, though. It’s been at least two posts since we’ve introduced a new character! This is unexceptable ! So, to make up for lost time, I hereby introduce… nine!
    *Ernie pushes a convenient red button mounted on the bridge. With a hydraulic hisssss another secret door slides open. Nine shadowy figures, oversized black robes draped over them, step out into the open… imposingly.*

    *A blue hand reaches out of one of the cloaks’ billowing sleeves and unsheathes a massive, crooked sword.*

    Ernie: Grover. You’ll never find a better muppet for the job. Or one more flexible.


    *The second mysterious figure burps, and 2 crushed soda cans and a used nacho container fall out of the robe’s hood, the camera zooms in on them, as they slowly spin, then impact on the floor.*

    Ernie: Oscar T. Grouch. He may not look nice, but he’s got it where it counts. The attitude.

    Oscar: This cape STINKS! You all stink!

    *A short little robed figure hops up and down excitedly. A childlike furry red hand holds a jagged red dagger*

    Ernie: Elmo. Just try to tickle this Elmo.

    Elmo: Ewmo, WIKE kiwwing peopo!

    *The next figure is more than eight feet tall and spindly legs stick out the bottom of the robe. A yellow feather slowly drifts to the ground*

    Ernie: Big Bird. A Big asset.

    Big Bird: Today’s show is sponsored by the letters are E, V, I, and L, and the number 666.

    *The wind causes the next figure’s cape to billow behind him, majestically. A blue hand whips around, grabs the cape and sticks it in his mouth*

    Ernie: Cookie Monster. The only monster alive who can manage to wolf down Janitor Bob’s Grandma’s fruitcakes!

    Cookie Monster: COOOOKIE!

    *The next mysterious Muppet man holds a microphone. He brings it slowly up to his mouth*


    Ernie: Guy Smiley.

    Guy Smiley: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Ernie: Our next new character, you’ve seen him, but don’t remember him, no unique personality, no unique build, the same voice you’ve heard thousands of times before…. RANDOM SESAME STREET CHARACTER!

    Random Sesame Street Character: Hi.

    Ernie: Our 8th character, isn’t [/I]technically[i] from sesame street, but he has the same voice, and the right height, I’m sure were are all QUITE familiar with him, “Yo” “Duh”
    Yoda: Hmmm… yesssssss….

    Ernie: Our ninth and final character is from oliphaunt genus…

    *This wraith is massive, hulking… an elephant. It sticks its trunk out, feels around, and then sneezes, covering Phil in a thin layer of slime.*

    Ernie: Snuff… er… Sneffawa… Stephenofulus?

    Snuffulufugus: Snuffulufugus. I dib I hab a cod.

    Gates: Impressive. Most Impressive.

    Ernie: Now, my little MuppetWraiths™! Ride! Ride like the wind! Search every nook and cranny of this accursed planet for my prize. If you encounter any of my heroes you know what to do!

    Big Bird: Uh… ask them politely to share the prize, and them invite them back to our apartment to share a nice cup of afternoon tea?

    Ernie: You weren’t paying attention at that Villains in Training Seminar, were you?

    Snuffulufugus: I was sick.

    Ernie: Kill them, dangit! Kill them dead!

    *The Muppet Wraiths leap upon the iron saddles of 9 massive rubber duckies, with black reins pulled tight around their sinister beaks. The Duckies let out a terrifying high pitched quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack and then fly off, silhouetted against the blue sky, their smell honing… their eyes searching, for our little unsuspecting friends*

    *Will the heroes be able to allude the evil duckies and MuppetWraiths™for long? Will they survive the onslaughts of Ernie’s new authoritative armaments? Will Janitor Bob the Writer ever get his Computer fixed? All this and more on NES: All it’s quacked up to be (and other sickening puns)*

    "Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

    -Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)
    "Your entire base belongs to us."
    "It would be highly appreciated if someone would set the bomb up for us"
    "Launch all of our ships, christened 'Zigs', to insure that justice will be achieved swiftly and powerfully."

  38. #1158
    Do I have to read this? I mean honestly...has anyone tried printing it? I want to see how thick it would be.

    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."
    "Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."

  39. #1159

  40. #1160
    Hey, if you don't like it, don't bother coming in here and b*tching about it..jeez..
    A dream is beautiful because it remains a dream.

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