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Thread: The Never-ending Story Thread

  1. #1321
    (OOC: Oops, I spy an error - Only Masetto, Otter, and Maybechild were on the ferry. The others were all spread around on their own vacations around the world, as detailed by one of my big long posts.)

    "The power to charm a snake
    does you no good
    if it bites you anyway." (Ecc. 10:11, CEV)
    So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!

  2. #1322
    forums' resident drunk scotI
    Just to let you know, TACC forums are still up (, so it's possible to post for NeS: TACC. So do so. Now. Or you'll make Geb cry. And no one wants that.

    Besides Ares of course. But who listens to him anyway?

  3. #1323
    (NSP: The original transcript of the side-story "NeS: A TACC Comedy" can be found here or you can read a copy of it below. Keep in mind the original dates which these were posted as well as that this copy looses italics, smilies, etc.)
    02-16-2002 12:02 AM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    NeS in the Realm of TACC
    If you are reading this for the first time, and you know the TACC references well (being a TACC regular helps), please feel free to post for this thread (because you can't mess up NeS--it's thy nature, sort of like ANS I hear...), as the non-TACC regulars (like myself) need all the help we can get Thank you.

    (NSP: Sorry, nothing here right now, as I'm rather tired, but I plan to put up something soon, though I give Absolver and/or anyone who's talked with Absolver or myself first to start this off. The basic premise will be a short tale of characters from The Neverending Story Thread over at The Interactive Story Board at The Massassi Temple (read Page 29 of it for current and important information regarding what the characters and flow of it are) come over and have their own adventure over here at TACC, where other TACC writers, such as CookedHaggis, AKPiggot, Chris Hill, muurgh, Wuss, and what have you can join in. If you have any further questions, please e-mail myself or Absolver about it.

    Hope this will prove to be fun)


    Last edited by Gebohq on 03-25-2002 at 12:58 PM

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    02-16-2002 07:20 PM


    Registered: Feb 2002
    Posts: 5
    *somehow finds himself in the realm of TACC..but yet a part of him is left in the Arena..weird.*

    Gettle: 2 minutes here and I'm already bored..I think I'm going to take a nap...*ZZZZZzzzzzzzz*

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    02-17-2002 12:01 AM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    (NSP: Alright, let's see if I can start this up vague enough for others to follow after)

    Within a bustling urban spaceport, found in the realm known as TACC, the story of life carries on as it normally does. That is to say, nothing very normal carried on. In a deserted alleyway though, something abnormal even in this realm appeared. That something was a mystical swirl, known to some as a plothole.

    Spewing from the mystical swirl was a man wearing black pants and a blue shirt. His hair rivaled that of Mark Hamill's from Star Wars and Kevin Bacon's from Tremors. From all appearances, if one were to know such things, they would recognize him as someone from the realm of Massassi. As it was though, the only one that took notice of him was a cat, which had promptly bolted from the scene.

    This man happened to be Gebohq, "leader" of the NeS heroes.

    Gebohq: *grumble*...Stupid plot-hole wrinkled my shirt...

    (NSP: Alright, my lazines kicked in again, so I only have up a character description. Same thing applies as before (Absolver, help me out here! lol) and yadda-yadda, blah blah probably get the idea. It'll spring off into another toaster/ANS/whatever story, with a NeS twist)


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    02-17-2002 10:18 AM


    Registered: Feb 2002
    Posts: 5
    Gettle: OH MY GOD! WHAT IS TH--.. oh. it's my reflection..yes, yes, I knew that.. *goes back to combing his hair*

    *Gettle just "happens" to be in a moldy run-down apartment right above where Geb appears. Coincidence..? Maybe.*

    *looks down out of a broken window*

    Gettle: Geb!!!! What are YOU doing here?

    Geb: No, what are YOU doing?

    *Gettle looks at his script and notices it has a budweiser logo on it..suspicious*

    Could this be a plot by the locol TACC budweiser brewery? Are we already getting in trouble? Why don't I let you think for yourself, you bratty brainless bags of burbiness!!!

    Last edited by Gettleburger on 02-18-2002 at 07:52 AM

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    02-21-2002 08:09 AM


    Registered: Oct 2001
    Posts: 8
    Enter the Dragon-er, or me
    *Suddenly, two dark-clothed men with shark smiles casually stroll into Gebohq, who is still scrutinising the effects of a plot hole on one's clothing, and force him into the alley wall. Gettleburger, seeing plainly what is about to occur, dons his smoking jacket and slippers, and grabs his pipe, before quickly leaving his apartment.*

    Gebohq: Oof. Can I hel-

    Mugger 1: Gimmee the cash!

    Gebohq: fellows aren't from a charity by any chance, no?

    Mugger 2: Gimmee the cash or I'll stick ya!

    *To emphasise the point, the mugger draws a nasty looking blade from his trenchcoat and holds it to Geb's abdomen.*

    Gebohq: No thanks, I gave at the office.

    Mugger 1:Ohh, a wiseguy, huh? Show him what we think of wiseguys, Vinnie!

    *"Vinnie" produces a flow chart and an easel and convinces Gebohq, rather persuasively, that wise guys are in fact held in very low esteem, at least to the two of them.*

    Gebohq: I see. Well, that was fascinating, and thank you very much for the complimentary mug, but I think I'd better be getting around to some sort of plot development in this thread-

    *At this point, the muggers decide to cut their losses, and instead of pulling out the several-hour-long seminar on how they need Gebohq's money, kill him instead. Fortunately, as the blade arcs toward Gebohq's neck, a plot hole opens between the two men. Gebohq himself is flung unceremoniously into the mass of garbage cans and waste behind him, as sounds of a one-way scuffle echo to his position. Finally, the smoke clears, and he can make out the mobsters standing over a crumpled man clad completely in black, with a cape and sunglasses.*

    Mugger 1: What an idiot! He couldn't even see us with those sunglasses on!

    Mugger 2: Let's just geddoutta here!

    *They stroll away, laughing. Gebohq kneels over the unconscious form of-*

    Gebohq: Absolver!

    Absolver: *Groan* As you were, Geb...

    *Gebohq helps his ally up.*

    Gebohq: What are you doing here?

    Absolver: I knew you'd need some help in this story, so I took the perfect opportunity to step in and save you, but I..uh..didn't account for it being dark. Sorry.

    *Gettleburger runs into the scene, puffing furiously on his pipe.*

    Gettleburger: I say, chaps, where are those ruffians? I'll give them the what-for!

    Absolver: Why have you got an obvious British theme to your character in this thread?

    Gettle: I thought it rather fitting that one of us had an air of sophistication to him, old boy. What say the three of us mosey on up to my apartment for a glass of brandy beside the fire whilst we work out what a predicament we're in?

    Gebohq: Sounds...good...I think....

    Gettle: Jolly good. Tally-ho!

    *He starts back out of the alley. Absolver and Gebohq shrug and follow him, just in time to miss the final plot hole open, and a familiar being of unspeakable evil follow them from a distance...*

    Every 6 months, when I make my TACC bi-annual visit, I always have to re-register. Shame, shame, shame.

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    02-22-2002 10:01 AM


    Registered: Feb 2002
    Posts: 2
    With a flash of light, another hero emerges from a Plothole.

    A hero who needs no introduction...

    JorBo: Then why are you introducing me?

    Good point.

    *JorBo spots The Being of Unspeakable Evil TM *

    JorBo: Holy mother of all cows!!! What is that thing?

    The BoUE turns around and glares at JorBo.
    It's eyes are black as something black and are lit with some inner evil glow.

    JorBo: It's a 3 foot gorilla with no hair and a eye!

    The BoUE grins.
    It's black and yellow teeth show through it's naked lips.
    It knows that there is nowhere for JorBo to run.
    The BoUE charges.


    Last edited by JorBo on 02-22-2002 at 10:04 AM

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    02-22-2002 06:45 PM

    Super C3PO

    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: I am nowhere, yet SOMEWHERE!
    Posts: 616
    This story is getting nowhere. Guess it's up to me...

    The BoUE attacks, but being only three feet tall (and obviously pathetically weak), it knocks itself out cold.

    JorBo walks down the street. He feels a drop of water on his sleeve and looks up to see the clouds unleash a torrent of water. With nowhere to escape from the downpour, JorBo keeps on walking down the street. Suddenly, a limo pulls up next to JorBo and passenger door opens revealling Anthony Piggot (couldn't think of anybody else) wearing a very expensive suit with a martini in his hand.

    AKP:Come in.

    JorBo walks inside, keeping his hand on his gun; just in case things get... out of hand.

    AKP: You must be the famous JorBo, the local mercenary.

    JorBo: Yeah.

    AKP: Would you be interested in doing a job for me?

    JorBo: Why would you need a low-life like me to do a job for you?

    Anthony sighs,
    AKP: You know, it's not easy being the most famous editor around. Everybody looks up to you, tiny little people that don't mean a thing to me. But they provide me with an income, so I have to be careful that nobody else outdoes me.

    JorBo: I'm listening.

    AKP: An editor named Salv is making a level called GoF2. I have seen some pics and do not like what I see. I need you take care of him.

    JorBo: How much will it pay?

    AKP: Five-Thousand a day, plus expenses.

    JorBo: ... Let me think about it.

    AKP: Driver stop.

    The limo comes to a stop near a derilict theater.

    AKP: Hears my card. Let me know when you have decided.

    JorBo Opens the door and walks out. After closing the door behind him, the limo drives off. He looked at the business card Anthony gave him.
    .Anthony Piggot
    Proudly making the best levels since the early nineties.

    Contact me at 697-5783 (made up)


    JorBo put the card in his pocket and went to see if there was anything worth watching in the theater

    Always remember, kids, never post under the influence of sugar cookies.

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    02-22-2002 07:22 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Scotland
    Posts: 785
    You know, I would've thought that Ant's business card would have his name spelled correctly...

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    02-22-2002 11:40 PM

    Super C3PO

    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: I am nowhere, yet SOMEWHERE!
    Posts: 616
    Yeah, well it's his own dang fault!

    Always remember, kids, never post under the influence of sugar cookies.

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    02-23-2002 08:34 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    That thing called a "plot"
    Within an abandoned and delerict room that seems to bear a strong resemblence to room in The Matrix where Neo first met Morpheus, Gebohq, Gettleburger, and Absolver sit comfortably. Absolver dons a pair of sunglasses and a very fashionable dark outfit.

    Absolver: We have very little time, so I must be brief--

    Gettle: Will we get to wear cool clothes and sunglasses like yours?

    Absolver: Soon, my friend, soon. Gebohq, do you know where "here" is?

    Geb: The mat--er--the realm of TACC, right?

    Absolver: Do you know what your presence here means?

    Geb: That I'm the Chosen one?

    Absolver: Don't be stupid. No.

    Geb: Well if you know so much, you tell me why?

    Absolver: In due time. First, we must wait for another to arrive...ah, here he is now.

    *The door opens dramatically, and lightning crashes, outlining the sillouette of a figure in the doorway. It was CookedHaggis, his formal attire drenched in rain.*

    CookedHaggis: THERE you are! This place seems to have the crappiest weather at the worst times, and that happens more often than not. Come on now, I'm taking you two out of here.

    Geb: Thank God. This realm was beginning to creep me out.

    Absolver: CookedHaggis, I'm glad you could make it. Unfortunately, all the exits out of this realm have been cut off, so you all are stuck here.

    Gettle: How did that happen?

    Absolver: An old nemises of mine is the cause. I believe he is yours as well, Gebohq. He goes by the name of...BILL GATES!*more ominous lightning crashes, lighting the room in a temporary strobe effect.*

    *Gebohq, Gettleburger, and CookedHaggis simutaneously gasp in horror.*

    Absolver: Yes, him. And calling upon the other powerful and ancient forces of evil known in the realm of TACC, he has begun his first steps in attempting to once again try and conquor TACC and make everyone in it his slaves. We must stop him before he finds The Machine That Goes Bing! (TMTGB), a device that will give him immesurable Bing! powers!

    Gettle: Oh, you mean this?

    *Gettleburger whips out a device about the size of a Mousebot.*


    Absolver: are the Bingbearer foretold in the prophecies. You will forever be hunted by those that work under Gates, until we journey to his skyscraper stronghold in the heart of the TACC realm and...and...

    Geb: And what?

    Absolver: Look, I don't have all the answers here! I'm sure we'll figure something out when we get there.

    Geb: Riiiight.

    Haggis: Great. So let's just get the **** moving now and get this over with so I can get the **** back, alright?

    Absolver: Wise words, CookedHaggis. You each should equipt yourselves with the proper equiptment before we make our way to his stronghold. On the way, we will encounter great obstacles, many enemies, bad TACC story formulas, even worse TACC cameo references, and perhaps, if we're lucky, we'll make it through with our sanities intact.

    Haggis: That's a good one, Absolver!

    *Absolver and CookedHaggis laugh hysterically. Gebohq and Gettleburger look at each other with worried expressions. Just then, JorBo enters the door.*

    JorBo: Hmm....this doesn't look like the theater--MASTER GETTLE! There you are!

    JorBo throws himself at Gettleburger's feet. Gettle exchanges more worried glances at Gebohq, and then hits his head.*

    Gettle: Oh that's right. Since I'm the Bingbearer, I'm still taking on the cheap role of Frodo as well, and JorBo must still be taking on the occasional role of Samwise Gamgee. DAMN YOU LAZY WRITERS!

    With a semblence of a plot now set in this story, what will happen to our hereos in the realm of TACC? Will Bill Gates succeed in enslaving the people of TACC, or will our band of hereos succeed? What new people and what new places will they meet along the way? Find out, in the next post of NeS visits the realm of TACC!!!! Ah, it's so good to be narrating like this again...

    02-23-2002 10:46 PM

    Super C3PO

    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: I am nowhere, yet SOMEWHERE!
    Posts: 616
    ...I see that my earlier post has no relavence to the story. Oh, well, might as well start another.

    Always remember, kids, never post under the influence of sugar cookies.

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    02-24-2002 12:03 AM


    Registered: Feb 2002
    Posts: 5
    /me valiantly tries to think of a decent reply...and fails miserabley..

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    02-24-2002 06:21 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    Non-Story Post
    (NSP: Super C-3PO--Are you sure you can't incoorperate any of your posts in the story? The more writers the merrier Though I still haven't heard from Absolver if any of the other Toaster writers will be joining in or not. In any case, this is bound to be written rather slowly,, yeah. And stuff.)


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    02-24-2002 07:36 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Scotland
    Posts: 785
    Absolver: "Ahem, as I was saying, we'll need to get the proper equipment before attempting a quest to Gates's stronghold. So, we need..."

    Gettle: "..besides a miracle."

    Absolver: "Well yes, what we need, besides a miracle, is..."

    Geb: "Guns. Lots of guns."

    Absolver: " Look, how many times do I have to tell you, wearing a black trenchcoat doesn't make you Neo."

    Geb: "Aw, but..."

    Absolver: "No. And gimme that bloody Matrix script too; you and Gettle need to think up your own damn lines."

    Geb: "So anyway...the equipment we need is...?"

    Absolver: "Um...well, to be honest, I don't really know. Let's just head out, I'm sure we would've remembered if we had to bring along something important."

    Oooooh, foreshadowing....or just laziness on the part of the writer, I forget which

    *So anyway, our hereos, all now dressed in designer clothing and clutching stylish mobile phones, exit the room, and journey out into the mystical land of TACC. Well, the misty land of TACC at any rate.
    It starts raining, again, emphasising the noir-y stylings of this place. There's probably a monotone, narrating, private eye lurking around somewhere too*

    *A gloomy half-light of a lampost, the paint peeling and the bulb flickering, where a figure moves into the beam, lazily picked out from the swirling mist, the yellow glow barely describing an outline.
    Our heroes jump backwards in surprise, JorBo placing himself between the potential threat and Gettle.
    But in a strictly platonic, friendly way you understand*

    Haggis: "Oh no..."

    *The figure steps closer to the main party, fedora disguising half his face in shadow, the corks dangling from it obscuring his features still further*

    Haggis: "Of all the interactive stories, on all the forums, in all the world; you had to walk into this one."

    Matthew Pate: "I would say "G'day" Haggis, but we both know I wouldn't mean it..."

    Oooooh, a pointless TACC cameo, and only half a dozen or so posts in. And a *******ised quote from Casablanca, plus even more foreshadowing. It's getting pretty exciting now, isn't it?

    And you're supposed to say "yes" you ungrateful lot...

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    02-25-2002 04:28 PM

    Super C3PO

    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: I am nowhere, yet SOMEWHERE!
    Posts: 616
    (I didn't think it would, besides, I like where it is going now)

    Always remember, kids, never post under the influence of sugar cookies.

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    02-27-2002 09:46 AM


    Registered: Oct 2001
    Posts: 8
    *Absolver's eyes narrow as he spots Pate. He steps in front of the crowd, knuckles cracking as his hands drift over the one pistol he remembered to pack.*

    Absolver: I have this one.

    CookedHaggis: Don't be insane, he's uber-powerful. And Australian. You won't even be able to understand him, let alone defeat him...

    Absolver: No, you don't understand. You see-

    *A booming thunderclap echoes across the thread.*

    Absolver: I, ALSO AUSTRALIAN!

    *Mingled looks of astonishment, disgust and shock flit over the faces of all but CookedHaggis, who nods and pats Absolver on the back.*

    CookedHaggis: I understand. I've put up with the Scottish jokes for years. Do what you have to do.

    *Absolver looks back at him, and grins.*

    Absolver: Thanks, Haggis. You know what to do-protect the group from Gates. Avoid him at all costs!

    *Haggis nods, and takes off, leading the still-stunned group down the nearest alleyway. Meanwhile, Pate and Absolver face off, two Aussies at war.*

    Pate: Where exactly in Oz are ya from?

    Absolver: West Coast. However, unlike you, I can speak in a universal tone without betraying my ocker-ness.

    Pate: We'll see how much good that will do you in battle, mate...

    *And then suddenly, pistols are in his hand and Absolver enters Bullet-Time...*

    Every 6 months, when I make my TACC bi-annual visit, I always have to re-register. Shame, shame, shame.

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    03-03-2002 01:16 AM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    Enter Highemperor
    (NSP: Because I couldn't think of an actual story-advancing post to do right now, and because I'm still hoping that Wuss or muuurgh will post soon, I'm filling in a request by a fellow NeS writer to introduce him in so he can help out. Here goes nothing...)

    *Back at the alleyway that Gebohq first appeared through, a cat was pawing through the garbage can in search of food. The cat had been through severe psychological damage recently, when it saw a giant portal open some time ago, but having little memory and needing food, the cat had ventured back to the alleyway.*

    *Just then, a mystical swirl appeared again, and the cat darted off, psychologically damaged once again, for at least a week. From the swirl appeared a man garbed in black, with an air of power, somewhat resembling Jerec. In the realm of Massassi, some would know him as a new member of the NeS heroes. His personal motives still were unknown to others though, and though was not unknown in the realm of TACC, his motive here was unusual. And unknown. Yes, much unknown in this one. Anger, yes. Fear...*cough* er...*

    *This man was known as Highemperor.*

    Audience member: Finally! You only took two lifetimes to get through that! I want to see action now! I'm bored!

    *Highemperor turns and electrifies the audience member to death.*

    Thanks. He was getting on my nerves.

    Highemperor: No problemo. Er--*clears throat, speaks with a more intimidating tone* to find Gebohq...

    Good bye then.

    Highemperor: By-ee. Er--*cough* until next time then...

    *Highemperor walks out of the alleyway and into the shady spaceport street, turning around a building and out of view.*

    Great, ANOTHER joins this God-forsaken quest. Who will join NOW? What does Highemperor plan to do? Will Gebohq and the others ever DO anything? Maybe. You're just going to have to wait and find out, won't you? Nyea! ...why yes, people HAVE told me I don't have very good people skills, why do you ask?

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    03-04-2002 10:33 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    Show my post! Stupid forum still says Absolver has the last post....

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    03-14-2002 10:29 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    As our heroes continue throughout the realm of TACC, moving away from the battle between Matthew Pate and Absolver, Gebohq stops the party.

    Gebohq: You know, I think we have to destroy TMTGB, in keeping with the blatant Lord of the Rings rip-off.

    TMTGB: Bing!

    Gettle: No! My precious, my precious!

    Gebohq: Give me that bloody LotR script. Think up your own dang lines.

    Gettle: Then YOU have to give ME that bloody Absolver script!

    Geb and Gettle engage in a fist brawl. Meanwhile. . .

    Highemperor: Well, this is a dismal, dreary, hellish world that no one sane man would set foot in. Yep, must be where Geb is!

    He wanders off in search of Geb. Meanwhile. . .

    *Cranky audience member stands up and says, "Enough with the meanwhiles! They get old!" and is immediately zapped by Highemp*

    Highemp: Didn't you all learn your lesson the first time?

    Erm, yes, anywhos. . . Mea- *cough* Er, going on, Geb wins the fistfight. . .

    Geb: *whew* Alright. NOW - we're going to destroy TMTGB in the fires of Mount Micro!

    Audience: Mount Micro? Where'd you get THAT name?

    Geb: Mixed up Mount Doom and Microsoft. Obviously.

    Audience: Riiiiight.

    Geb: Ah, shaddup. . . Anyway, we need a car.

    Around the corner comes another pointless TACC cameo. . .

    Pointless TACC Cameo: Hello, Michael!

    Audience: Not the KNIGHTCAR! That was an old joke that went out of style ages ago!

    KnightCar: *to audience* Hey to you, too, Michael!

    *Geb, Gettle, and JorBo jump into KnightCar ("Hi, Michael, Michael, and Michael") and drive off to Mount Micro*

    JorBo: THAT'S Mount Micro? It's. . . well. . . tiny!

    KnightCar: Why do you think they call it Mount Micro, Michael?

    Geb: Alright. Time to stuff TMTGB down Mount Micro.

    TMTGB: Bing!

    *Geb tries to stuff TMTGB down Mount Micro*

    Several hours later. . .

    Geb: Huff. . . puff. . . Trying to stuff a machine down a mountain the size of an anthill doesn't seem to be working. . .

    Oh, no! What will our heroes do now? Will more pointless TACC cameos come in? What has become of Absolver? Will I ever shut up? The answer to the last question is NO! Though of course you'll have to tune in to find out the others. . .

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    03-19-2002 02:45 PM


    Registered: Feb 2002
    Posts: 5
    (Leave my TMTGB alone! You *******s! )

    *Looks on forlornly as Geb futily attempts to push TMTGB into a little anthill*

    *Cue JorBo come in with a shovel*

    JorBo: I'm here!

    Gettle: What's with the shovel?

    JorBo: What do you think, dummy! *hits Gettle over the head with the shovel and starts digging up Mount Micro*

    -=:{several hours later}:=-

    Geb, Gettle, and JorBo: OOOOOOO...

    *There's a big hole in the ground..obviosly..and inside is...*gasp*..*

    What in the world could JorBo have dug up? Is it an ancient civilization? Or perhaps it's an evil villains base! Well it's Geb's story, not mine, so we'll let him decide..But anyways, Find out what it is next time on NeS:TACC!

    Last edited by Gettleburger on 03-21-2002 at 01:33 PM

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    03-25-2002 12:54 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    The plot thickens... No wait, we don't have a plot...
    (NSP: Gee, thanks Gettle. You should know by now that I'm lazy and want everyone else to post Er...anywhos...)

    Gebohq, Gettleburger, and JorBo stare down the hole that was once Mount Micro, oogling in amazement.

    Geb, Gettle, and JorBo: OOOOOOOOooooo...

    *cough* They were oogling in amazement aaaaat...

    Geb: What?

    I don't know, you're suppose to fill in the blank here.

    JorBo: But we can't tell what we see.

    So you just see a mysterious dark void--

    JorBo: No, I mean nothing. I don't know what to call it, except nothing.

    audeince: BOO! Bad "Neverending Story"-movie reference!


    Highemp *off some distance still*: Sheesh, don't they ever shut up?

    *The camera goes back to the others*

    JorBo: ...Well?

    Well what?

    JorBo: Aren't you going to make up something for us to see? Being the NARRATOR and all?

    Gettle: Yeah, I'd rather not just go jumping into a big hole of nothing. Only an idiot would do that!

    *Geb then stops to consider NOT jumping in, as he only likes to be a coward, not an idiot.*

    Look now! Just because I'm the Narrator doesn't mean I can just make things happen!

    JorBo: Yes it does--

    SHUSH! *cough* It's, uh...the writer's job to figure it out. Yeah! I only work here!

    Geb the writer: Stupid narrator...fine, I'll figure something out.

    Everyone else: Yay!

    Geb the writer: Eenie-meenie-minie-moe...

    Gettle: Er...Mr. writer-god-type that controls the fate of my life?

    Geb the writer: Yeah?

    Gettle: Whatcha doin'?

    Geb the writer: I'm choosing between "Ancient civilization" and "Evil Villian's Base", what's it look like?

    JorBo: Great! He can't even come up with his own ideas...

    Geb the writer: Hey, watch it! I could leave you to Piggott's devices in one of his ANS threads!

    JorBo: NOO! Not that! Anything but that! I'll be good, really!

    Geb the writer: That's better. Alright...after using my SUPERIOR methods of concocting an idea, I've decided that you all will evil villan's base.

    Gettle: But I wanted to explore an ancient civilization!

    Geb the writer: Too bad! And while I'm at it...

    *Using his powers over the thread, Geb the writer cuts out Highemperor from his position and pastes him back with the others.*

    Highemp: Well that was rather unsettling. I'll have to deal with someone when this is over...

    Geb the writer: There. Now go explore the evil villian's base then. And don't bother me anymore!

    *With that, the eerie non-descript invisible presence of Geb the writer dissapears from the group.*

    ....sooo....our hereos descend down the hole to explore the evil villian's base--

    JorBo: You first! I'm not going down there!

    Highemp: Honestly, you're all a bunch of cowards--

    Geb: Indeed. It's a specialty of mine.

    Highemp: ...cowards. I'm not afraid!

    Gettle: We don't have mysterious powers like you, big guy.

    Highemp: Point taken. Just follow me then.

    Everyone else: Right.

    Geb: I wonder if we'll see Absolver again...

    As Highemperor leads the band of hereos deep into the evil villian base inside a volcano, the evil villian lurks, devising his own plans.

    Bill Gates: plans of domination over the realm of TACC are coming well: long, slow, and exciting.

    Lackey #1: *cough* *snicker*

    Gates: What?

    Lackey #1: Nothing sir!

    Gates: What about it?

    Lackey #1: The NeS heroes have broken the "nothing shield" that blocked the entrance through Mount Micro, and have survived numerous TACC references.

    Gates: Hmm...well, they still have otehrs yet to pass before I have to worry about them. Continue with your work then.

    Lackey #1: Yes sir. Permission to speak freely?

    Gates: *sigh* Yes?

    lackey #1: What is it with you, and most other evil villians for that matter, with building their secret bases inside volcanos?

    Gates: Free heating. Looks good on the "Evil villian" resume too.

    lackey #1: Oh.

    What other bad TACC references will be made? Will our heroes be able to stop Bill Gates in time? What role will "The Machine that Goes Bing" play in this story? Find out next time on "The Neverending Story Thread: The TACC saga"

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    03-25-2002 03:21 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    TMTGB: Bing!

    suddenly just as The machine that goes bing goes Bing! there is a bright flashof light. within it a figure appears

    Ford1342: Aw for chrissake, what now?

    you have just been transported to the unerground fortress of Bill Gates!*lightning crashes*

    Ford: i thought you said we were underground...and who the hell are you anyway?

    ah hell i need a nap im going home you guys explain it

    Geb: look what youve done, the narrators gone and left us now.

    Ford: sorry, wont you guys explain to me whats going on here?

    will Geb and his gang ever make it all the way inside Gates' fortress? will Ford1342 ever get a clue? wil TMTGB go..

    Ford: i thought you said you were going home!

    i..uh...well. um...bye!

    (NSP: wellthat introduces me so i will be able to post some more later. ha ha!)

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

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    03-25-2002 03:24 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    And there was much rejoicing.

    Thanks for joining in Ford I wonder where Absolver went off to. Haven't heard from him in a while...

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    03-25-2002 11:44 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    Because I like to avoid plot holes when I can...
    Gettle: How queer...

    *Everyone gives Gettleburger a strage look.*

    Gettle: I have a British accent, remember? Which means I'm saying that something is odd.

    JorBo: Riiiiiight. Look, I might be compelled to protect you, the Bingbearer, at all costs, but if you start saying things like that--

    Gettle: Oh now come now--

    Highemp: Quiet! There will be no "coming" here!

    *Everyone stares at Highemperor with even stranger looks than there were towards Gettleburger.*

    Highemp: *cough* What were you going to say?

    Gettle: Well, I was jsut wondering where CookedHaggis was. Wasn't he suppose to be with us?

    *Just then, a growing yell could be heard above them. They looked up, to see CookedHaggis falling.*

    Haggis: ...stupidmotherf***ingbEEEEEEEETCH!!!!!!!!

    *Haggis lands with a "thud" next to our heroes.*

    Haggis: Stupid Knightrider car...

    Geb: Should I ask what happened?

    Haggis: No.

    Geb: Right then.

    Gettle: --Er, pardon the interruption, but I was also curious about whether the evil villian stronghold was in a skyscraper or in this volcanic base?

    Geb: Probably both, with our luck.

    Haggis: I just want to get the f*** out of here!

    Geb: Right...I wonder what the long-distance fees would be to call to Massassi on these mobile phones...


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    03-26-2002 07:07 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Scotland
    Posts: 785
    Geb: "Right...I wonder what the long-distance fees would be to call to Massassi on these mobile phones..."

    CookedHaggis: "I dunno. It's never come up before. I mean, who the hell would want to phone Massassi?"

    *Everyone stares at him*

    CookedHaggis: "Uh...present company excluded of course...except Geb, bloody eejit forcing him into these silly adventures..."

    Geb: "Huh?"

    CookedHaggis: "Er...nothing...just muttering to myself in a vindictive manner."

    *So our hereos progress down through the tunnel, and reach their goal: The bad guys' hidout, a Super Skyscraper built within a volcano. Which looks as bizarre as it sounds*

    Gettle: "Woah. That looks really bizarre."

    *See? Anyway, they're all standing there, wondering what to do next, when Geb realises something*

    Geb: "Hey look, you can get porn via mobile phones now!"

    *Ahem. When Geb realises something a little more tasteful and a little more relevant.
    Sort of.
    A bit.
    Well not really, but at least it doesn't involve porn*

    Geb: "Hey, I just realised something..."

    Gettle: "Yeah, the porn thing, you just said..."

    Geb: "No, I mean about the story. We haven't had a pointless film reference for a while."

    Ford: "Oh great. Because what we really need now is another useless deviation that confuses things..."

    Geb: "Well, I was thinking more along the lines that we'll have to storm that big sky scraper thingy filled with thousands of guards in a minute..."

    *Everyone nods. After a while, the whole heroic deal sort of loses any sense of surprise*

    Geb: "Well, the film that did that best (or at least most recently) was the Matrix. Which means kung-fu, guns and leather for everyone!"

    Gettle: "Mmmm...Kung-fu."

    Ford: "Mmmm...guns."

    Haggis: "Mmmm...leather...uh...I mean...Mmmm bullet time."

    *So through that mystical force known only as "poorly written spoofing", the camera spins around and now our hereos are decked out in Gucci suits or full length trench coats, ray-bans shielding their eyes from the uncomprimising glare of the dark, at least they look cool*

    Gettle: "Damn I look good."

    Ford: "Hey cool, check out this Uzi!"

    Geb: "Uh..guys...the whole storming the sky scraper thing...?"

    Gettle: "Oh yeah. Sorry. Damn I look good in black."

    *Music starts playing. Our hereos swagger through the automatic doors and...*

    Gettle: "Wait!"

    Geb: "What? Can't you see we were about to start running up walls and shooting stuff in slow-motion?"

    Gettle: "The doors closed on my trenchcoat, and now I'm stuck..."

    03-26-2002 08:43 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    Ford: Do you like cool breezes gettleburger?

    Gettle: yeah sure. why?

    Ford: good.

    *he commences the take his Uzi and shoot the back of his coat off.*

    Ford: Problem solved. Moving on.

    Gettle: ...

    *the posse of rather well dressed hodlums (with the exception of course of Gettleburger, the git) swagger int the lobby where 50 or so gun toting computer nerds appear out of nowhere.*

    Geb: *takes three deep breaths* Its Showtime!.

    (NSP: well that about does it for my ideas right now i knwo where its going but i dont know where you guys want to take it. ill let the experianced professionals handle this.)

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

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    03-27-2002 08:03 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    Dante's NES-in-the-realm-of-TACC Inferno
    The computer nerds start shooting. Cue slow motion time. Geb runs for the wall. . . puts a foot up on it. . . walks up onto the wall, Matrix-style, pulling out his gun. . .

    . . . and promptly falls onto the floor.

    Absolver: I TOLD you wearing a black trenchcoat doesn't make you Neo!

    Geb: Aw, but - hey! How did you get here? I thought you were fighting Matthew Pate!

    Absolver: Ummmm. . . plot hole?

    Gettle: Um, guys? *points at gun-toting computer nerds, who are still shooting*

    Highemperor, his entire body crackling with blue electricity, rises into the air-

    Highemp: Hey, wait a second! I can do whatever I want; I don't need a narrator to do it for me!

    As if. I'm the NARRATOR. Telling people what they're doing is my JOB.

    *the narrator is promptly zapped by Highemp*

    Highemp: Now then. Hmm, what to do? You know, come to think of it, what the Narrator was doing was a pretty good idea-r. . . *rises into the air, his entire body crackling with blue electricity, and zaps all the computer nerds*

    JorBo: Hey! Now what are the rest of us supposed to do?

    Highemp: *muttering* Being obeisant slaves would do for starters. . .

    JorBo: What was that?

    Highemp: Nothing.

    Geb: Riiiight. Anywhos, let's get goin'. *notices a flicker of movement out the corner of his eye* Was that an imp I saw?

    Gettle: You mean like a demon? Probably.

    Geb: What's a demon doing in Microsoft?!

    Gettle: Well, Microsoft is in the First Circle of Hell.

    Geb: Somehow, I'm not surprised.

    Gettle: When Gates put out "Asheron's Call" to compete with Everquest, the whole thing went straight to Hell. [thanks to Sem for that idea]

    *Everyone promptly laughs their heads off*

    Gettle: *as others pick their heads up off the floor* Wha-at? It's true!

    TMTGB: Bing!

    All but Gettle: What?

    Gettle: It said, 'Do we dare descend further into the depths of Hell?'

    JorBo: I dunno. If Microsoft is only the First Circle of Hell. . . what's the NINTH Circle like?

    *General silence reigns for a moment. Then-*

    Geb: PORN!

    *Everyone gets excited and immediately starts going further into the depths of Microsoft/Mount Micro/Bill Gates's Skyscraper/Hell*


    Okay, my idea is that we can have our "heroes" descend throughout the Nine Circles of Hell, as per Dante's Inferno, but that the circles are NeS-ized.

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    03-30-2002 09:18 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    NeS' Virgil
    (NSP: Snifty idea, Highemp! For those (like myself) who would like a site/guide of the maps of the circles of Hell in Dante's "The Divine Comedy", here's a link:

    By no means do the NeS circles of hell have to be similar to the ones in Dante's, but it's a helpful guide for us lazy folks who don't like to think of terribly original ideas If you have read NeS, the circles of Hell don't have to be strictly TACC-related. In their new detoured quest for porn, this side-quest should end around/about when they reach the final circle (where our NeS regular heroes will return to the main NeS thread). I'm interested myself to see what the heroes will encounter, and will try to add another post of my own sometime next week (week after Easter--how approriate, eh?) Now to see if I can get some Toaster writers to add their bit to this...)


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    03-30-2002 10:47 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    Alright, just to clarify, Bill Gates and Microsoft are only the FIRST Circle of Hell. There are eight more circles. And I have a great idea for the Ninth Circle, so when we get there, please let me write it! Thanks!

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    04-01-2002 09:05 AM


    Registered: Oct 2001
    Posts: 8
    *Meanwhile, Absolver and Pate's frenzied (not to mention cliched) battling has taken them to the rooftops of Microsoft. Amid the vast sprawl of ventilation fans and sheer drops, they blend together a crude parody-duel of just about every action movie held dear in today's society. And then some.*

    *Suddenly, Pate whips out a sniper rifle and shoots Absolver squarely in the chest. The hero groans and topples over. S******ing, Pate moves over to investigate, but is surprised and elbowed in the face by Absolver, who backflips to safety.*

    Pate: Impossible!

    Absolver: Not so! You see, I was wearing a plot-hole vest!

    Pate: You can't win! I'll defeat you eventually...and then who will protect your precious allies???

    Absolver: Er...Haggis?

    *They both stop and go into hysterics at the suggestion.*

    Pate: Seriously, though, I think I'll have to kill you now.

    *He leaps in and backhands Absolver, who flips and grabs onto the parapet, staring up at the triumphant villain.*

    Pate: It's a damn shame I have to kill you, not many people appreciate the Aussie jokes around here.

    Absolver: You mean classics like, "Look! A dingo! And he's got your baby!"?

    Pate: What? Where?

    *He turns, and Absolver grabs his foot, pulling them both over the edge. Absolver falls five hundred feet into a parked pillow cushion truck.*

    Absolver: Ahh...

    *Pate, conversely, falls five hundred feet through three hundred stories of the Microsoft building, hitting the lobby floor and continuing through into the Underworld below. Absolver enters through the front door and gazes down.*

    Absolver: NeS help me...

    *With a primal scream, he leaps into the Pate-shaped dent...*

    Every 6 months, when I make my TACC bi-annual visit, I always have to re-register. Shame, shame, shame.

    Last edited by Absolver on 04-01-2002 at 09:15 AM

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    04-03-2002 06:04 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    Within the skyscraper stronghold that lies in the center of Gates' evil Microsoft underground volcanic base a.k.a. first circle of Hell, Gebohq, Gettleburger, JorBo, CookedHaggis, and Ford follow behind Highemperor as they trek further into the depths of Hell.

    Gettle: Blimey! How many more doors do we have to walk through to get anywhere in this place?

    Ford: One more, I would guess.

    Highemp: Why do you say that?

    Ford: We've gone through six so far. Trust me, I know these kind of things.

    *Highemperor opens the last door to reveal a chamber with an elevator marked "Elevator into Hell" off to the side.*

    Geb: Woah, deja vu.

    Haggis: For crying out loud Geb, you're NOT NEO!

    JorBo: No, you don't understand Haggis. The two of us have been here before.

    Haggis: Uh...o-k...

    Highemp: Curses!

    Geb: What?

    Highemp: I can't open the elevator doors. It's locked with a Microsoft program.

    Gettle: I thought you could just blast the thing open.

    Highemp: Microsoft is an vile and evil power beyond reproach. Besides, the Windows program on here alone is wretched enough to make me want to go insane.

    *murmers of understanding arise from the heroes.*

    Ford: We will have to seek Gates then, who can let us pass.

    Haggis: We can't do that! He'll destroy us before letting us pass!

    Ford: We'll find a way yet.

    Geb: Anything is possible when you put your mind to it! ...and when it's porn we're after.

    *more murmers of agreement arise from the heroes.*

    JorBo: Uh, guys?

    Highemp: Let's get the evil Gates then!

    Everyone else: Yeah!

    JorBo: But--but--

    *JorBo tries to point out the large Pate-shaped hole in the ground to the others, but none realize it as they go off to another elevator to take them upwards. Sighing hopelessly, JorBo follows them into the elevator.*
    Meanwhile, near the top level of the skyscraper stronghold, Bill Gates is interrupted once again by one of his lackies.

    Lackey #2: Uh, sir?

    Gates: *sigh* What is it?

    Lackey #2: It's about the heroes. They are in an elevator to this level sir, and they are searching for you.

    Gates: Sheesh, don't they ever leave me alone? Let them come. I shall deal with them myself.

    Lackey #2: As you wish.
    *As the heroes reach their floor, they exit the elevator, guns locked and loaded. However, all they see is Gates sitting at his desk. The group approaches him, wary of any traps that may be ready to spring on them.*

    Gates: We meet again, but this time, the advantage is mine. I believe I have something you wish to have, yes?

    Geb: You must let us pass into the depths of Hell, Gates.

    Gates: Oh? And why is this? In my plans to conquor the realm of TACC through entrapping it and thus expanding my domain within this circle of Hell, you have only served to try and stop me. Why then, would I let you descend further into the depths of Hell and escape, possibly destroying my resources in the process and ruining my plans to conquor TACC?

    Ford: Higher powers than your own wish us to continue, that is why.

    Gates: HA! WHat higher powers? God?

    Ford: No, the writers!

    Gates: Damn...grr....fine. *tosses them a keycard.* Get out of my site.

    Geb: No elaborate fight scene? No wild stunts? No bullet time? *sniff*

    Haggis: There there, Geb. That'll come later, don't worry.

    Geb: Yay!

    Gates: Don't think you've got it easy, fools. I still have my ways, and my time.

    Highemp: Yeah yeah, whatever. Let's get going.

    *The heroes, keycard in hand, descend back to the floor with the elevator into hell. Swiping the card, the elevator opens, allowing them to descend further. When the elevator stops, they find themselves within a large expanse, filled with nothing but--*

    Geb: PORN!!!!

    *Geb, as with the others, dive into the mountains of porn, only to realize the horrid truth.*

    Gettle: This isn't porn! Horribly disgusting women, vile acts of Discovery-style animal action, it''s...

    Geb: It's pr0n! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Someone will pay for this!

    With our heroes having discovered the second circle of hell to be nothing but pr0n, what will they do? Will they return to their quest of stopping Gate's plan to conquor the realm of TACC through myseterious methods involving the heart of hell and TMTGB? Or will they descend further in hopes of finding porn in the final circle? Tune in next time to find out, here on The Neverending Story Thread: The TACC Comedy!

    (NSP: Some ideas for other circles: the band Styx playing the Mr. Roboto song in the fifth circle, somewhere else to have the Hell music that they had in the JK purgatory level, the demon Dave from the Toaster series in one of the levels, Absolver and Pate's fall into Hell having similar effects as Christ's descent into hell (in other words--having things broken), whomever would be in the ninth level to have overthrown Satan to get the position, things of that nature Hope this post didn't ruin anyone's wishes.)

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    04-14-2002 10:57 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    NSP:i dunno i think Sail away would be more appropriate.

    Geb: It's pr0n! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Someone will pay for this!

    the groups trembles in fear at the sight of all the p0rn. something suddenly occurs to ford.

    ford: hey something suddenly occured to me.

    i just said that

    Ford: oh sorry. well anyway i jsut remembered i brought my cheshire zippo with me we can burn our way through it.

    Haggis: He he he he ...FIRE! he he he...

    Ford whips it out

    Geb: Ewwww gross!

    not that you idiot!

    Geb: Oh.

    As i was saying. ford takes out his lighter.

    Cheshire Zippo: what do you want i was just sitting down to a nice dinner with the walrus (goo goo ga joob hey)

    Ford: yeah we kinda need to get through al this p0rn, and i was wondering i you could burn it for us.

    ChesZip: Oh heavens no, not only is p0rn inflammable, i just l0ve it. i know i know youre all looking at me with disgust

    the group looks at him in disgust

    ChesZip: But...youll notice i do not love it i merely l0ve it, its like a secret addiction. god my concious brain shudders at the though but meanwhile my wick gets all stiff..

    JorBo: i think thats a bit too much info man.

    ChesZip: oh right sorry. well anyway i do know how you can destroy it. what you need is a good PISS.

    The group(with narrator): PISS?!?

    ChesZip: yes, Parental Internet Screening Shield. the problem is you have to backtrack to get one, for the only one that makes one this strong is microsoft (gates has to get down for board meetings you know) but no worries. ill be back in a jiff.

    with this he fades away

    Gettle:wakes up suddenly hey does anyone else crave some peanut butter?

    so ends another post in The Neverending Story: The Admirals Command Chaber. will the Cheshire Zippo make it back before its too late? Will The heroes ever make it into the other layers of hell? will anyone else ever post? will i ever go back to the massassi forums? who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows.

    Ford: who is the shadow and why does everyone keep talking about his nose.

    NSP: anyway i thought id ressurect this, what do you think of the Cheshire Zippo? he jst kinda popped out of my head. well im done for now ill jsut go do that english essay im supposed to be doing...

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

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    04-22-2002 08:32 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    Benevolent Upward Movment Post!!!

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

    Last edited by Ford1342 on 04-22-2002 at 08:35 PM

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    04-26-2002 05:39 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    Onward, NeStian soldiers...
    (NSP: I finally got around to posting again for this. Hope this will make it easier for the others to post)

    While waiting for the return of the Chesire Zippo, our heroes struggle to fend off the waves of pr0n.

    Ford: Do these pr0n pop-up ads ever stop?

    Gettle: I sure hope so...

    Geb: ...the pr0n is now strangly appealing...

    JorBo: No Geb! Don't give in!

    Haggis: Hey look!

    The heroes look over to where CookedHaggis is pointing to see a TACC member being swept by the strong currents of pr0n.

    Lord of the Jedi: Wheeee!

    Highemperor: That soul resides here, doesn't he?

    Ford: It would appear so.

    Haggis: (to LotJ) How long have you been up there?

    LotJ: I can't remember now! Isn't that funny? In fact, I don't remember the last time I've had a good meal, or slept...but it's pr0n! Mustn't...leave...precious...pr0n...

    As LotJ is swept away out of their site, the Chesire Zippo fades into appearance, now loaded with PISS.

    Chesire Zippo: Here ya go. And uh...I'd suggest getting a move on. Gates ain't happy with what I did, and he's tracking you guys as we speak.

    Geb: Gee, thanks.

    Chesire Zippo: Off I go then!

    After the Chesire Zippo dissapears, the heroes use the Parental Internet Screening Shield, opening a clear path down into the next circle of hell. The heroes cautiously make their way though, finding themselves in fields upon endless fields of...

    JorBo: Toasters????

    Ford: Hm. That is a bit odd. But it makes sense. The souls here seem to be forever plagued with eating, breathing, and otherwise, existing in nothing but things related to toasters.

    Highemp: Riiiiiiight. And what kind of GRAND evil will we face this time?

    Highemperor chuckles to himself before Gebohq taps him on hte shoulder. Highemperor turns around to see a somewhat nervous Gebohq, pointing at something in front of them. Before them stood a fearsome-looking demon, standing tall.

    Demon: The name's Michael. What the bloody hell are you doing in my circle


    Geb: We just wanted to get to the next circle of hell, that's all.

    Michael: Right then. It'll be a good riddence of such rubbish. Though something seems to be a bit suspitious about all this....ah to hell with it! Get the hell out of here!

    Gettle: Well that was needlessly redundant.

    Our heroes, looking at the demon Michael with caution, begin to tred towards and into the next circle of hell. What new evils will they find? Will Michael remember what he was thinking? Will all these redundant remarks be reported to the redundant Department of Redundancy? Find out, next time on the Neverending Story Thread: the TACC comedy!

    (NSP: Remember also, if you're stuck on ideas of where to go next to look at the link that was provided a few posts ago. Post as little or as much as you like, just post something!)

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    04-27-2002 10:52 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    Highemperor stops suddenly. The group stops with him, because. . .

    Gettle: Because why?

    How should I know? I just work here!

    Gettle: *sigh*

    Highemp: ANYWAY, the reason I stopped was that I sense a disturbance in the One Power.

    JorBo: Oohhh, so we're nicking off Robert Jordan now, too, huh?

    Highemp: Hush you! This is my own thing, not some puny creation of a *sneer* different author. Anyways, something is going on back in the realm of Massassi. *opens a portal to Massassi* Hey, lookit that! *cough* Er, I mean, behold!

    Our TACC heroes see the Massassi heroes on trial for disturbing the peace, vandalism, and practicing heroism without a license.

    Geb: Ah, *insert choice swear word here*!!!!

    Haggis: *marvels* I'm amazed they're still even ALIVE. . .

    Highemp: As a matter of fact, the only reason ANYTHING exists is due to the fact that I ALLOW it, for I am GOD!

    Thunder roars, lightning flashes, and a mighty voice rumbles from the heavens-

    Mighty Voice: AHEM.

    Highemp: Okay, okay, so I'm NOT God. *under his breath* At least, not yet. . . *straightens* But I practically AM! I'm uber-powerful, nearly solopotent; it will only take one more phase in my master plan-

    As Highemperor rambles on, Ford jerks his finger over at him.

    Ford: *whispering to Gettle* Where did you dig up THIS bozo?

    Gettle: Where do you think? Out of Highemp the writer's megalomaniacal imagination.

    Ford: Ah. Remind me to keep a tight leash on him when he writes for "Finding a Door".

    Gettle: Will do.

    Michael: *confused* Now, I'm POSITIVE I'm supposed to do something with you all. . .

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    04-30-2002 03:01 PM


    Registered: Feb 2002
    Posts: 2
    Geb turns and sees JorBo putting two pieces of bread into one of the toasters

    Gebohq: What are you doing?

    JorBo: I'm hungry

    Gebohq: You fool! You don't know what you have done!

    The toast pops from the toaster and JorBo reaches for it.

    A low rumble fills the air and starts getting louder.

    JorBo: Uhhhhh....

    The air is filled with the sound of thousands of toasters popping.

    JorBo: We're going to die!!

    Gebohq: Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!

    The camera pans from Geb's face to a lone door miles away from the heroes.

    All the heroes start running for the door dodging toast as we switch to bullettime

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    05-03-2002 10:49 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    JorBo in bullet time grabs a piece of toat and eats it.

    JorBo: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

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    05-04-2002 01:17 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326
    NSP: lolz... keep it up

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

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    05-07-2002 11:02 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    *all the heroes start running for it*

    *all the heroes except for Highemp, that is, who instead opens a portal to Massassi to check in on the other heroes*

    Geb: Highemp, are you crazy? The toasters will catch us any minute!

    Highemp: Just a minute, Gebbers! *sticks his head through the portal - and promptly gets it stuck*

    *a number of weird noises can be heard from the other side of the portal, but no one in the TACC realm is too terribly sure what is going on to Highemp's head*

    JorBo: Should we leave him here? *burp* Or keep running for it?

    Geb: . . .

    Haggis: ! That's a no-brainer! Leave him!

    *Once again, all the "heroes" start running for it, except for Highemp, whose head is stuck in the portal*

    What will happen to our beloved Highemperor???

    RAM: Whaddya mean, "beloved"?!

    Highemp the Writer: Ah, shaddup. . .

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    05-08-2002 06:13 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    *Highemp's tempting buttocks-*

    RAM: You sicko writer!

    *What? I don't mean it like that! I just mean it presents a good target!*

    RAM: EWWW!!

    *For TOAST, you idiot!*

    *Now, let's continue. Highemp's rear end, which is now that you mention it very tempting to all the females in the audience-*

    Entire Audience: SHUT UP!

    *Er - anyway. Highemp's rear end presents a tempting target to all the pieces of toast, and he gets a good spanking*

    *Suddenly, Highemp is jerked free from his predicament. He looks about and sees all the toast flying around*

    Highemp: Hmm. . . Well, let's just alter space/time to make that luminous door conveniently placed in the distance come right to us! *alters space/time to make that luminous door conveniently placed - well, you know*

    *the heroes rush into the door into the FOURTH CIRCLE OF HELL!!!*

    What new adventure awaits our heroes? Will I ever stop hoping my character is sexually appealing to females? Should toast be butter side up or butter side down? The answer to all these questions and more in the next episode of NeS in the Realm of TACC!

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

    05-09-2002 01:18 AM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    Non-Story Post
    (NSP: Just letting you all know that I probably won't be posting until the end of May, as I, as I'm sure many of you, are busy with end of the school year exams and projects. I also happen to think it's somewhat convinient, as I'm having a bit of writer's block. I hope one of you guys can think of something for the next circle (Wuss? Absolver? ) Until next time then)

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    05-09-2002 06:26 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

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    05-12-2002 07:03 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Scotland
    Posts: 785
    So Matt and Absolver are still falling into Hell. As they were a month or so ago. Hell's a long way away you see. Plus, ground and rocks and stuff offer a lot of resistance against falling, slowing their progress.

    Matt: " Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    Absolver: "Look, just shut up will you? You've been screaming like a girl for a month solid."

    Matt: "Aaaaaaaaaa...well, it's just that I've had nothing else to do...everyone's been so caught up in the so called "heroes" adventures amongst pr0n (a subject they seem to know a great deal about I might add...), not to mention the apparant epidemic of writer's block.

    Plus I was bored. And what else was I supposed to do?"

    Absolver: "You could've found out more about Dante's Inferno and Christ's descent into hell so you actually had a clue what was going on."

    Matt: "Uh...surely that's not my job."

    Absolver: "Oh yeah...I meant Haggis should've found out more about it. My bad.
    It's just funnier if you mock the writers subtlely."

    Matt: "That was subtle? And funny?"

    Absolver: "No. I was just saying that if it had been subtle and clever, it might've been funny."

    Matt: "Ah, right. were we?"

    Absolver: "I believe you were screaming like a girl."

    Matt: "Oh yeah. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."

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    05-15-2002 10:47 AM


    Registered: Oct 2001
    Posts: 8
    Blast From About Two Months Ago
    *Absolver and Matthew EVENTUALLY fall into a pit of lava. Needless to say, they get a bit scalded swimming out.*

    Absolver: Where's the Quik-Rub Cream when you-

    *He is rudely interrupted by Pate's fist colliding with his face, sending him sprawling to the ground. The evil Australian leaps on top of him, and the two begin Greco-Roman wrestling, falling off the edge of a cliff and down about five hundred feet, into a pit of spikes. As Absolver climbs out and brushes himself out, he begins to notice a strange occurrance; in Hell, the laws of probability, especially when it comes to death, are null and void.*

    Pate: Bloody hell! I'm impaled on a spike, yet not dead!

    Absolver: What a keen observation, numbskull.

    *He pummels Pate with a flurry of punches and kicks, and as Absolver prepares for the backlash, he wonders how he will EVER be able to tie this sub-plot in with the original team of characters...*

    Every 6 months, when I make my TACC bi-annual visit, I always have to re-register. Shame, shame, shame.

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    05-15-2002 06:08 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    While Pate tries to extricate himself from the spike upon which he is impaled. . .

    Absolver: There's got to be some way outta here! *looks around* Aha! *sees a sign*


    Suddenly a deep rumbling can be heard.

    Absolver: Hoo boy, this can't be good.

    A shadow from the flames can be seen coming around.

    Deep Rumbling: Abandon all hope ye who enter here!

    The shadow comes closer and closer, until-

    Entire Audience: Ahhh! Satan is Peewee Herman!

    Peewee Satan: *in a squeaky voice* Abandon all hope ye who. . . ah, forget it.

    Absolver: *runs frantically upwards through Hell until he reaches our group of heroes*

    Peewee Satan: So, let's see who's impaled on this spike for me to terrorize, terrify, and otherwise torture with my touting alliteration! *comes around a huge fire and sees Pate* No! Not yoooooouuuu. . . *dies*

    Chorus of Demons: All hail the Devil Pate, the evilest of evils in the entire Universe! The baddest of bad, the vilest of vile, the foulest of foul, the-

    RAM: Okay, okay, we get the point already!

    Random Demon: No, you don't. This. . . is. . . Matthew. . . PATE!

    Audience: Ohhhhh- *dies*

    Pate Satan: *looks around* Okay, that's all very well and good, but could someone PLEASE GET ME OFF THIS SPIKE!

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    05-15-2002 10:58 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    meanwhile back in the third layer of h-e-double hockeysticks...

    Haggis: Geb weve been running for days now and the toasters just keep getting closer.

    Geb: now listen what did i tell you about looking back. it wastes valuable brain-juice. you look back losing concentration and *BAM* you fall on your face.

    Haggis: but look they'll get us any minute now!

    Geb:looks *BAM*falls on his face you did that on purpose!

    Haggis: Yup! grins

    just then ford stumbles on to something...literally

    Ford:will you guys cut that owAAAA

    JorBo: hey wher'd he go?

    Gettle: could it have something to do with that Absolver/Matt Pate shaped hole there?

    Geb: Gettle! hey! man i'd almost forgotten you were there! hey, how are you man? and more importantly, hows TMTGB, huh?


    Geb: Great! still working fine. say you think it could tell us how to get rid of these toaster things?

    Gettle: why dont we jsut jump down the hole?

    Geb: what and waste shuch a great thing as TMTGB? never! tell you you what, we'll ask it and see and if that doesnt work well do whatever it is your idea was, hmm?

    Gettle:*grumbles then whispers at TMTGB*


    Gettle: it says we should jump down the hole.

    Geb Great idea! why didnt anyone else think of that? Right! well off we go! AAAAAA

    will our heroes survive the fall through the remaining 6 layer of hell? will they ever find ford and absolver? will Pate ever get off that pike? and for gods sake wont someone think of the children? find out all this and more in the next neverending post of The Neverending Story: TACC : "Down the Hell Hole"

    (NSP: hey sorry if its a bit hitchhikes guideish but ive been listening to the radio broadcasts again. and if you guys dont get the title of the episode justthen its a parody of down the rabbit hole from alice in wonderland. maybe someone oculd do something like that in the next post describing the remaining 6 layers. i dunno just a wacky idea i had, i dont know how to pull it off tho. ttfn.)

    [edit] poo! my experiment didna work[/edit]

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

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    05-16-2002 09:31 AM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    (NSP: Let's see what we can do here, since we sort of mixed up a few things...)

    Several moments prior to entering the fourth circle of hell, our heroes had attempted to jump into the recently made hole. However, when they landed, they discovered that they had landed in the same circle they had been in.

    Barely lifting their heads from the pain of the fall, they spoke to each other.

    JorBo: How did this happen again?

    Haggis: Well, it is hell, you know.

    Ford: He's got a point there.

    Gettle: *now getting up, as are the others* Remind me never to jump into a hole of unknown depth again.

    Just then, Michael the demon appears besides them.

    Haggis: Did you HAVE to say that?

    Just doing my job.

    Michael: I remembered what I was suppose to do now!

    Michael begins to chuckle in a deep menacing voice.

    Geb: Hey, look over there!

    Michael: What?

    Gebohq then motions with his head to the others to run away. Gettleburger continues to look as Michael does though, and JorBo pulls him along.

    It is a short run however, as all the heroes slam head-first into the door. Highemperor is standing, playing on a Gameboy.

    Highemp: What took you guys so long? Oh yeah, that's right. I moved the door into the fourth circle of hell.

    The heroes then enter into the ominous door.
    WARNING: Overly-elaborate description ahead!

    The first to witness the landscape of the fourth circle was HIghemperor. His every step was preceded by confident purpose, his head held high, his black and red attire blending in as if he was part of Hell itself. His eyes narrowed with deep thought as he looked out on ahead.

    Gebohq followed, much less...gracefully, despite his "official" role as leader of the group. His black and blue attire, which resembled Neo's from "The Matrix", was somehow opposing to Highemperor's. His hair, which rivaled that of Mark Hamill's from "Star Wars" and Kevin Bacon's from "Tremors" and was the color of fall, swept around his face as he turned to finally see what he had been running towards.

    Ford followed next, with his great knowledge about such mythological and theological subjects leveling his relatively new membership with the others. Like Gebohq and the others, he wore black clothes found in "The Matrix" and other "bad-a$$" movies. His eyes had been darting back and forth before examining the landscape. Eyes of an educated man, now lost in fear and confusion.

    JorBo and Gettleburger followed close behind. Gettleburger's attire was by far the fanciest, with his designer suit eminating an English flair to it (a style that did not fit well with his usual eccentric personality), yet still relatively fitting with the group. TMTGB was quietly binging under the arm that held it, its light green Mousebot-like form giving the impression of a pet. Jorbo, apart from being the only one there who was not inanely (NSP: not INSANE. Inane is like absurd) ignorant of reality, was not acting in any notable way. The two of them looked upon the fourth circle with concerned and questioning looks.

    CookedHaggis shuffled behind in an agressive manner similar to a drunk person. His attire and persona was of a polar opposite to what it was when he was in the realm of Massassi. His dark uniform-like outfit was sloven, like a disgruntled poster worker. His head whipped around, his eyes blankly gazing at the landscape, apparently unconcerned with the scenery. His expertise in the realm of TACC now seemed pointless in what the group faced now.

    What they saw before them was the most maddening thing they had seen yet, the sight of it making their minds ready to snap what little sanity they might have had.

    Mountains upon mountains of mystical swirls were littered across the landscape, their unpredictable and flashy tendriles nearly painful to look at. At one moment there would be a shade pushing and pulling at a mystical swirl, and the next moment, they were replaced by another shade, or a demon, or an "O" magazine. The heroes did not notice as Absolver ran towards them.

    Garbed in an outfit similar to Morpheus, Absolver ran towards them. Having just fell through all the circles of hell, he out of all of them was most prepared, and thus, was able to navigate his way best through the mountain passes in the mystical swirls towards them.

    Ford: Those shades must be the prodigal souls, whom did not know how to use plot holes. Those that had either denied the mystical goodness or abused its powers and carelessly tossed them around, now forever pushing and pulling the mountains of mysical swirls known as plot holes.

    Absolver: *having just reached them* Good thing I found you all. The situation has grown darker, and I fear what we will have to face when we reach the final circle of hell, for I knew I could not face it alone.

    JorBo: Do we really have to?

    Haggis: You want to face Gates and Michael back up there? Besides, this is the only way we will be able to free the realm of TACC from Gate's clutches and escape back home. Besides, there are so many more references to make fun of.

    JorBo: What?

    Haggis: Nothing.

    Gettle: I say, I just hope that my precious TMTGB won't be the target of the whole means of doom and destruction!

    TMTGB: Bing!

    Geb: I think I'll just settle with little things like "getting our move on" right now. Absolver, mind if you lead the way?

    Absolver: Of course. Watch your step everyone.

    Highemperor: Yes. We'll watch indeed...*his eyes and persona darknen more with mystery and a certain ominous purpose to them.*

    The heroes then follow Absolver as they march further into the depths of Hell.
    Meanwhile, in the deepest depths of Hell, within the final circle of Hell, Matthew Pate ice skates with other high demons.

    Pate: So...why am I now the master of Hell? Not that I'm not flattered by the suggestion or anything...

    High Demon #1: Well, your Vile Evilness, you see, a while back, Satan, the former ruler of the Eternal Abyss known as Hell, had left us. Something about "needing a vacation to Massassi" and "joining an evil villian band". Since Satan was never suppose to LEAVE, Hell was sort of at a loss for guidance. Therefore, the next most evil presence in Hell was appointed.

    High Demon #2: Then you came, your Horrid Darkness sir, and your presence was far greater than our replacement, and if I may say so myself, I think you're much better of a ruler of Hell than Satan could ever be.

    High Demon #1: So you see, Lord Pate, Father of Lies, that is why you are our ruler.

    High Demon #3: Wheeee! *slips and falls into a fiery crack between the ice.*

    Pate: Riiiight. Perhaps I should add another circle to this place...

    (NSP: OK, so I hope the following helps a bit. First off, I've left them at the fourth circle of hell. I HOPE to see all the circles progress through by the heroes, but obviously, if we want to just jump in the Pate-shaped hole or bump into a plot hole and go to the final one, that's fine.

    I MUST emphasis that by NO means do any of you writers have to follow the similarities presented in the original work of Dante's Divine Comedy--it is merely a guide. However, if by some reason you feel obligated too, here are the basics for the rest of the circles of hell:

    5th circle--the wrathful. It is the river Styx, where the shades (souls of hell) are wading in the violent waters, often biting themselves. Dante gets across by boat.

    6th circle--the heretics. It's called the City of Dis, where it is walled and has a giant fire that serves as the only light in hell. Dante has to wait to get through, and is almost turned into stone if not for help from heavenly messengers. The shades here are in tombs of fires.

    7th circle--the violent. There are 3 parts--those that were violent against others (kept under bloddy waters with arrows shot at them), those that were violent against themselves (have been turned into trees and shrubs and are torn apart by harpies and dogs) and those that were violent against God (to stand on burning sand while blood rains on them)

    8th circle-- the fraudulent. Here the Abyss starts as well as a horrible stentch from Satan. Those here have no faces. It's divided into 10 malebolge ("evil pockets")--which are connected by bridges (some broken due to Christ's descent). They're punished with whippings, wade in bodily wastes, being upside down in oil while their feet stick out and burn, having their parts mixed and matched oddly, being stuck under tar, being blinded by weighted hoods, being chased by snakes while naked, being trapped in a flame, being split apart, and being plagued with illnesses.

    9th circle--the traitors. This is where Satan resides, and the place is covered in a lake of ice. All the shades here are frozen mostly under the ice, and the worst of the sinners are eaten by Satan.

    As I said before, you DON'T have to follow these.)


    05-17-2002 09:52 AM


    Registered: Oct 2001
    Posts: 8
    The Fifth Circle
    *The group - Highemperor, Ford, Gebohq, JorBo, Gettleburger, Absolver and CookedHaggis - march grimly forward, finally reaching the fifth circle. It is quite unlike anything they have ever seen. The vast expanse of the black river Styx expands before them, almost treacherously stagnant save for the few ripples caused by thrashing shades in the distance.*

    JorBo: Creepy feel'n here, guys...

    CookedHaggis: No choice. Michael and Gates will be here any minute. Let's find a boat.

    *Unfortunately, the divine powers that be chose to leave only a faded yellow dinghy and oars for the party. Reluctantly (at gunpoint), Gettleburger and Ford elect to paddle, and they set off, the rest standing in the craft and rather nervously pointing their weapons at every thrashing, biting shade that they pass.*

    Gettleburger: I say, fellows, is that a dashedly warm draft on us, or is it just me?

    Ford: Neither.

    *The group turn to Ford, the mythological expert.*

    Ford: That's the hate of the wrathful enveloping us...

    *Suddenly, Absolver starts to twitch.*

    Absolver: ..Not fair...I should be the leader...Gebohq is taking over my franchise and NeS-ifying it...grumble grumble...

    *Similarly, CookedHaggis is eyeing off Gettleburger.*

    CookedHaggis: Mutter mutter...bloody pompous git...trying to take over my "foreigner" shtick...I'll give him a "good show, chaps"...

    *Even TMTGB's "bings" are taking a resentful air. Too late, Ford realises what is going on.*

    Ford: Guys-

    *Absolver unsheaths his longsword, "Absolvation", and swings it in an overhead shop at Gebohq. The group leader barely blocks it in time with his own blade, deflecting it into the sensitive dinghy side. The rest of the characters, already pulling out various nasty implements of destruction, freeze and stare, their faces comically drooping as a telltale hissing noise announces their doom.*

    Absolver: What have I d-

    *But his moan is cut off as the dinghy abruptly deflates, the party hits the water and are immediately sucked into the inky black vacuum of rage...*

    Every 6 months, when I make my TACC bi-annual visit, I always have to re-register. Shame, shame, shame.

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    05-17-2002 11:13 AM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326
    NSP: Lol... Starting to sound like LotR. B.U.M.P.

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

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    05-22-2002 01:53 AM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    (NSP: Amazing! That has to be, like, one of the very few relatively serious post (the fifth circle one by Absolver) I've ever seen! I wonder how they WILL escape (as I'm having difficulty thinking of a way myself). Should be interesting to see anyways, and to see if Hell freezes over at any point, besides the last circle that is)


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    05-22-2002 04:48 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326
    (nsp: Here, let me help you along)
    TMTGB bings, catapulting all of the heroes unto the other side.

    JorBo: Wow, I didn't know that it could do that.

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

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    05-22-2002 10:20 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    the heroes, now being saafely out of the river styx, and in the 6th layer of hell, in the city of Dis, Dat, and De Udder Ting, briefly apologize to each other for being so hatefull and completely un-hero-like

    General Mutterings of the heroes:gee...sorry..uh...

    Gettle: Say, are any of the rest of you hot?

    JorBo: yeah man, its hotter'n hell in here

    Ford: this [b]is[/b[ Hell buddy.

    JorBo: oh, right...

    Ford: weve got to be carefull here guys. if memory serves, this is the 6th layer of hell. if we fal from one of these walls you see scattered about, we'll burn eternally in those flames below.

    Geb: Right, so how are we supposed to ger across?

    Ford:we have to find the right wall to follow.

    while the heroes discuss thier plan to get across the 6th layer, Devil Matthew Pate watches from his mighty throne.[i/]

    Pate: damn those heroes i was sure they'dnever get past Styx. how could they with that damn [i]"come sail away.." going on all the damn time? its that MTGB i bet, its the leader this time. even the mighty gebhoq yeilds to its power. i must have it. Guido! Nunzio!

    G/N: yeah boss?

    Pate: i need you to go to thecity of Dis, and get rid of these annoying heroes, and bring me TMTGB!

    Guido: Sure ting boss!

    Nunzio: Yeah, we'll take em to de mattresses. *chuckles*

    will our heroes make it through yet another layer of hell, on their ultimate spiral to the centre? will pate get his hands on TMTGB? will the bad accents ever stop?

    Haggis: Ach! is tha' a 'orse 'ead? i've been meanin te git me hands on on o' those for a long tiem now.

    [edit](nsp: hey guys, ths sort of popped out of my head after reading Gebs post i read city of Dis and though hey bad new yourk accent, you know. dis, dat, and de udder ting. well anyway, i think this circle of hell should be run by minions of satan that are like new york italien mob henchmen tel me what you think.)[/edit]

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

    Last edited by Ford1342 on 05-22-2002 at 10:24 PM

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    05-25-2002 10:55 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    Ideas for us to consider:

    7th Circle: Planet Sith and Jar Jar Binks

    8th Circle: Keyboarding Teacher

    9th Circle: Matthew Pate, of course, no argument there, right?

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    05-29-2002 10:26 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326
    NSP: Hurry up and post. I'm bored and you need to post!!!

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

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    05-31-2002 10:30 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Bloogernoggin
    Posts: 123
    Our heroes slowly make their way through the decrepit city. The massive, hulking buildings that line the streets are seemingly abandoned, yet the group cannot shake the feeling that they are being watched.

    Geb: I don't like this at all.

    Ford: Yes, it's quite creepy.

    Little do our heroes realize how truly creepy the City of Dis is. A vast complex of tunnels run through out the ground beneath their feet. And within these tunnels are thousands upon thousands of giant demon rats. The fun's just getting started, boys.

    JorBo: I'd don't like the sound of that...

    Gettle: What? The narrator's evil, mischievous remark?

    JorBo: No... I was talking about that rustling sound that is slowly growing in intensity...

    Suddenly, giant demon rats pour out from every single pore, crevice, and hole in the city. A massive flood of screeching, biting supernatural vermin comes rushing towards the group. The demons Guido and Nunzio lead the hellish army, whipping the rats into a fevered frenzy.

    Geb: Does anyone have any rat poison?

    It's not looking too bright for the good guys...

    "Forgiveness is the aroma that the violet gives to the heel that has just crushed it..."

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    05-31-2002 11:30 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    Swarms of giant demonic rats close in on our heroes--

    Gettle: Are you sure they're demonic?

    JorBo: Of course they are, nimrod! It's HELL!

    Gettle: Oh yeah.

    --ahem. As I was saying, swarms of giant demoic rats close in on our heroes, making the situation grim.

    Haggis: Quick! Sacrafice TMTGB to it and perhaps they'll be appeased!

    *CookedHaggis smacks TMTGB out of Gettleburger's arms.*

    Gettle: NOO!!!

    TMTGB: Bing!

    When it appeared as if TMTGB would be swarmed (yes, I like that word) and lost within the midst of giant demonic rats, TMTGB spewed forth a stream of inky oil at them, holding them back somewhat. That is when Gebohq thought of a brilliant idea!

    Geb: I just thought of a brilliant idea! wait, no I didn't. I just thought about wanting to see some porn.


    ABSOLVER then thinks of a brilliant idea!

    Absolver:, I do? I'm not sure doing flips and crazy slow-motion gun-shooting action could really work, but if that's the plan--


    Highemp: Do you need me to help out again?

    NO! You're uh... still brooding over your mysterious plans that the other heroes don't know about.

    Highemp: Oh yeah, that's right.

    Geb: Mysterious plans? What's this now--

    Ford: OH! I have a brilliant plan!

    No you don't!

    Ford: What do you mean "I don't"?

    I mean you don't have a plan.

    Ford: Why not?

    Because I said so.

    Ford: But it's a good plan!

    JorBo: Uh....guys?

    *JorBo points worriedly at the swarm of rats, now nearly swimming to try and pass TMTGB and to our heroes where they will undoubtedly do nasty things to them.*

    Oh fine. Go ahead with your "brilliant plan"!

    *Ford then summons his Chessire Zippo.*

    Chessire Zippo: What now?

    Ford: Could you ignite that over there?

    Chessire Zippo: Oh fine...

    *The CZ then floats over to the stream that TMTGB is spewing, now almost exhausting his supply within itself, and lights the stream on fire, sending the entire pool of inky oil, and the rats swimming in it, blazing. With that, the CZ then disappears.*

    Gettle: What an ingenious idea!

    JorBo: Did anyone care to remember that this is HELL!?

    The heroes then notice that the giant demonic rats are still there, with giant demonic smiles, as they are now gaint demonic FLAMING rats.

    Brilliant Plan there.

    Ford: Hush you.

    Highemp: I'm brooding....brooding-brooding-brooding....oh my, we sure are in a pickle now...


    Geb: No wait! I think I have an idea....

    *Gebohq whips out his "Ban" antipersperant stick with one hand and a water-spritzer in the other.*

    Geb: Best way to rid yourself of flamers!

    Absolver: Er...Geb. That's not Ban anti-persperant. It's Old Bay. And your water-spritzer is broken.

    Geb: I KNEW I should have gotten that thing fixed before...

    *Just then, a portal opens, and an arrow with a note attached to it flys by them, hitting a nearby beam. Gebohq reads it.*

    Dear Geb,

    We need u w/ us. We wuld lik it veree much. Pleeze, pleeze respond!


    The new guys of the NeS team

    JorBo: WHEEE! An Escape route!

    *JorBo jumps through the portal, and it instantly dissapears.*

    Geb: So much for getting supplies...

    *Just then, the rats run away terrified.*

    Ford: Why did they jsut run away?

    Highemp: I think I know why....

    *The heroes look over to CookedHaggis, who is now in a female hooker outfit.*

    Geb: Thanks Haggis--good plan.

    Haggis: What plan?

    Geb: You mean the whole drag queen look

    Haggis: ....?

    Geb: Nevermind.

    *The heroes trek forth in search of the gate into the 7th circle of hell.*

    The heroes have lost JorBo now! Will our heroes still manage to march into the depths of hell and stop Gate's evil plan to rule over TACC at the root of the problem? Tune in next time, here at the Never-ending Story Thread: A TACC Comedy!

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    06-01-2002 11:46 AM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Bloogernoggin
    Posts: 123
    Leaving the smoldering ruins of the City of Dis behind them, our heroes approach the horrific gate into the 7th circle of hell. It's constructed out of bloody chainsaws and butcher knives and mutilated skeletons adorn the hellish arch. A large cheery sign is suspended above the entrance depicting cute wittle bunny wabbits... shooting each other with cute wittle semi-automatics. The sign reads:


    From behind the gates, endless human screams can be heard.

    Geb: Lovely, isn't it?

    Absolver: It sure is...

    Geb: I was being sarcastic.

    Absolver: I wasn't.

    *Geb blinks*

    Gettle: Let's move on, shall we?

    Geb: We shall.

    The group gingerly passes through the gates and into the 7th circle of hell. All around them bodies are strewn about, torn and bloodied. Moans and screams fill the air. All in all, the place is very reminiscent of high-school gym class.

    Ford: This place is horrible.

    Absolver: Wuss?

    Ford: I'm not a wuss! This place just gives me the heebie-jeebies, that's all!

    Absolver: No! I mean... It's Wuss! There!

    *Absolver points to a body dressed in a tattered, black trench coat. The group rushes over to it*

    Absolver: What are you doing here, Wuss? We all thought you were dead!

    Wuss: I am dead, you idiot! Why else would I be lying around here? I mean sure the weather's warm all year round and the food is hard to beat but...

    Geb: What happened?

    Wuss: An unfortunate situation involving an angry Toaster-thread-demon, a pencil sharpener, and my... *achem*

    *The group cringes*

    Wuss: So yeah... it's not been too much fun. And I'd be very delighted if maybe you could help me out of this mess.

    TMTGB: Bing!

    *Wuss is instantly healed*

    Ford: Is there anything that machine can't do?

    Wuss: I'm thirsty.

    Geb: No time for that, we must press on through this horrible place.

    Wuss: I'm thirsty.

    Absolver: It seems the path veers left.

    Wuss: I'm thirsty.

    Geb: Let's go....

    And thus another is added to their numbers. Will our heroes pass through the 7th circle of hell without any resistance? Does it seem easy... a bit TOO easy? Will Wuss ever have his thirst quenched? Stay tuned...

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    06-02-2002 02:55 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326
    NSP: Thank you. (Finally.)

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

    06-08-2002 10:51 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    But wait! There's more!

    Our heroes continue to march forth through Hell with their new ally, Wuss. So let's see...we have Gebohq, Absolver, Highemperor, Ford, CookedHaggis, Gettleburger, and Wuss. That makes the body count--er--the group a party of seven. How quaint.

    The group notice that a large... duckie-taur? Am I reading this right?

    The majority of the...thing looks like a large rubber duckie, but the other half is of the host from the original "Twilight Show" series...

    What the hell? Who comes UP with this stuff??!?!

    Geb: Hmm...this thing could pose a problem for us to advance foreward.

    Ford: Considering that it is taking up what little walkable path we have through the massive piles of bodies continually being violently torn apart, I'd have to agree.

    Duckie-taur: To cross this threshold, you must *squeak* answer me these questions three...

    Gettle: Do we realy have to? That's SO boring!

    Haggis: Honestly, can't you think of something better?

    Duckie-taur: Well...

    *---Four hours later--*

    Duckie-taur: Do you have...a Jack of Clubs?

    Absolver: Nope. Go fish.

    *The duckie-taur picks a random card from the pile between it and the group. It smiles.*

    Duckie-taur: HA! I won again!

    Wuss: Maybe if we played beer pong instead--

    Highemp: Oh enough of this!

    *With one swoop, Highemperor slays the duckie-taur, sending its body flying off into a distance fartehr than they could see.*

    Geb: Er...I guess we'll move on then...

    Ford: Nurgh...stupid burning sand...

    Wuss: Stupid burning rain...

    Haggis: Stupid lack of booze--er-- I mean, stupid violent souls sprawled about...

    Will our heroes be able to make it through into the 8th circle of hell? Find out, right here, right now. Jsut keep clicking that "refresh" button...

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    06-09-2002 04:27 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    suddenly, a small white dot appears in the sky above the heroes. unfortunately for the heroes none of them notice until its almost on top of them.

    Haggis: hey guys, whats that big withe thing thats falling out of the sky?

    Geb: i dunno, lets stare up at it until we figure it out.

    Gettle: okay!

    Ford: do you guys feel a draft?

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

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    06-09-2002 08:58 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104

    with that noise the entirety of hell was covered in a blanket of deep white snow. ladies and gentleman hellvis has frozen over.


    quiet you

    Wuss: HighEmp why are you grinning like that?

    HighEmp: *laughs manically* Cant you see. hell has frozen over...Bluejay has just won the Admin Series *evil laugh*

    Gettle: Dont you mean The Bluejays won the World Series.

    HighEmp: You fool. Everything is going as planned. nothing can stop me now!

    Ford: Riiiight...

    Absolver: why dont you tell us wha your evil plan is, giving us time to figure out a way to foil it and put an end to your blasted evil schem.

    HighEmp: i dont know... it seems kind of risky....*thinks really hard* okay!

    what is HighEmp's dastardly plot? will wuss ever get a decent line? And will geb ever remember that he is honorarily leader of the group on a simi-permanant to permanent basis? Find out all this and more next time on NeS: TACC!

    HighEmp: you see its like this...

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

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    06-11-2002 09:38 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Scotland
    Posts: 785
    So Hell has frozen over. Again..The first time of course being when Matthew Pate made a funny joke). The only clue so far has been an enigmatic slip of the tongue from High Emperor. Or so it seems...that is, it seems to be a slip of the tongue, rather than it seems to be engimatic). So we continue...

    And yes, I realise that putting an explaination after an ellipsis defeats the purpose of it, but I'm just being curiously artistic..alright, I'm just making poor jokes, but gimme a break here).

    Geb: Get on with it...

    Right, anyway, where were we?

    HighEmp: You see it's like this...

    Ford: Like what? A big pile of snow?

    HighEmp: I was just about to explain my evil plan...

    Ford: Evil snow?

    HighEmp: What? No, my plan has nothing to do with snow, evil or otherwise.

    Geb: But you just said that "Everything is going as planned", refering to the fact that Hell has frozen over. Hence the snow.

    HighEmp: Well, ok, there is a slight snow related aspect to the plan, but...

    Ford: Evil snow?

    HighEmp: No, just regular, run-of-the-mill snow.

    Geb: In Hell.

    HighEmp: Yes, in Hell.... Well, ok there may be a hint of evilness about it, but that simply because it's snow in Hell, not because the snow is inherently evil.

    Ford: Hellish snow?

    HighEmp: NO! Well, sort of, since it's snow in Hell, but the snow itself is not Hellish. At least I don't think so. But it's academic really, as the point I was trying to make was that the fact that Hell has frozen over means that my plan has come to fruition.

    Ford: Evil fruit?

    HighEmp: *sigh*...

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    06-13-2002 05:39 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    After the deepest sigh in recorded history-

    Geb: Hey, now wait a second! That's just a tad bit redundant, don't you think?

    What do you mean?

    Geb: Well, history is defined as information about the past that's written and recorded.

    Ah, shaddup.

    Highemp: *zaps Narrator*


    Highemp: *as Geb gets evil grin on his face* Agreeing with Geb. *turns to Geb and zaps HIM*

    Geb: OWWWWWOOOWWWOOOWWWWOW! Hey, what are you DOING?!

    Highemp: Being angry that you noticed that before I did.

    Geb: Actually, you DID notice before I did. You just wrote it in that I spoke first.

    Highemp: *glaring* You sayin' I made a MISTAKE?

    Geb: *eyeing Highemp's sparking fingers nervously* Uh, no, not at all!

    Highemp: Good.

    Gettle: Can we puh-LEEZE get back on track? *is promptly zapped by Highemp*

    Highemp: I wasn't done yet. *pauses, looks around, and comes to a conclusion* Okay, NOW I'm done.

    Gettle: *moaning on floor*

    TMTGB: Bing! Bing! Bing! *Narrator, Geb, and Gettle are instantly healed*

    Gettle: Haha! There's nothing that little baby can't do!

    Highemp: Um, actually, yes, there is. See, THAT'S why Hell froze over. Because not even TMTGB can out-bing TBTGB (The Bell That Goes Bing)TM!

    Wuss: Okay, so? *turns and glares at the sky* Hey, how come I always gotta ask the stupid questions!

    Because you ARE stupid, Stupid.

    *Wuss and the Narrator get into a shouting match. Meanwhile. . .*

    Highemp: In answer to Wuss's "stupid question", The Bell that Goes Bing is in the 8th circle.

    Ford: *confused* And what does this have to do with evil fruit?

    Highemp: *blinks* What? It doesn't.

    Ford: Yes, it does; you said it does!

    Highemp: No, I didn't, I just said Hell freezing over has to do with my dastardly plan, and Hell froze over because of The Bell That Goes Bing. None of which has anything to do with fruit, evil or otherwise.

    Ford: Okay, then, mister-smartypants, what's that over there?

    Highemp: *turns and looks* Evil fruit stampeding our way to devour us. *blinks and does a double-take* EVIL FRUIT?!

    Gettle: Everybody run!!!!!!!!!

    Whew! Well, now that Wuss has been put back into his proper place, I can return to the story. Okay, so where are we? Hey, what's this? Evil fruit? What kind of stupid writer would put THAT in?

    Wuss: That "stupid writer" was ME, bloody eejit!

    *The Narrator and Wuss go at it again. Meanwhile, our heroes (including Wuss, who keeps hurling insults at the Narrator) make a break for the 8th circle), with hordes of evil fruit right behind them. . .*

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    06-15-2002 12:14 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326
    NSP: Come on, keep up the momentum.

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

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    06-15-2002 03:57 PM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    You know, Stryker, you could write a post yourself!

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena at The High Citadel.

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    06-16-2002 02:09 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326
    NSP: That would ruin the story tho...

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

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    06-16-2002 02:16 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: A small town in the middle of nowhere
    Posts: 326
    Ok, on highemp's suggestion...

    Highemp: What suggestion?

    Shut up, I'm trying to post.

    Wuss: I'm thirsty.

    Geb: Look, theres a drinking fountain.

    Wuss: Yay!!

    JorBo: But there are hordes of evil fruit, coming to devour us, don't you think we should run?

    Wuss runs to the drinking fountain

    Highemp: No!! Don't touch it!!!

    Wuss tries to get a drink of water, but instead a fountain of lava spurts out.

    Highemp: Sigh.

    The lava starts flowing toward the evil fruit, who promptly turn around and start running.

    Did you know that when adding "A" to a word, it reverses its meaning? So, if muse means to think, what does amuse mean?

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    06-17-2002 12:46 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Scotland
    Posts: 785
    Wuss: Damn I'm good.

    Geb: At what?

    Wuss: At stopping the advance of evil fruit. What else?

    [Generic NeS Hero]: And in doing so, you have effectively trapped us with a circle of lava.

    Gettle: Guys...

    Wuss: Oh, so now I have to think of everything round here? You wanted rid of the evil fruit, so I got rid of the evil fruit..geez...

    Gettle: Guys...

    [Generic NeS Hero]: Well yeah, you could've done something better than encircling us with a river of fire. A diseased, constipated, epilectic and schizophrenic monkey could've done something better...

    Sam (The diseased, constipated, epilectic and schizophrenic ape): Now I say, hang on just a moment there, I find that offensive...

    Gettle: GUYS!

    All: What? Sheesh...

    Gettle: The snow is cooling the lava...

    Wuss: See, I told you my cunning plan would work...

    [Generic NeS Hero]: You didn't tell us anything, you just wanted a drink. Greedy bugger.

    RAM: I think Hell is getting to them.

    Geb: No, we're always like this. And go away. You're supposed to heckle the narrator, not talk to us.

    [edit: removed JorBo]

    Last edited by CookedHaggis on 06-17-2002 at 08:30 PM

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    06-17-2002 08:05 PM


    Registered: Mar 2002
    Location: cleveland
    Posts: 104
    NPS: one a side note. JorBo is in canada wiht the newer members of NeS

    May the Farce be with you.

    Hey check out my Interactive story over at massassi Finding a Door its fun really!

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    06-19-2002 05:09 PM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    The heroes continue to trek in silence across the searing desert, which was raining acid, but had later turned to snow. As the silence becomes uncomfortable, Geb begins to whistle.

    The other heroes pay now mind to him. Geb's whistling turns into humming. His humming then turned into low singing.

    Geb: ...he was just a poor boy, dada-dada-da-da...

    Geb's low singing then became very LOUD and rather obnoxious singing.


    All the heroes stop and give him glares. Geb slumps his head back down in silence. A few moments later though...

    Geb: ...*quietly singing* Stayin' alive, stayin' alive...

    [This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 25, 2002).]
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  4. #1324

    Registered: Jun 2002
    Location: My own little world, U.S.A.
    Posts: 2
    Hell, 8th circle, lower gateway.
    Geb: Hey, it looks like we're here guys, the gateway to the ninth circle!

    RVW (randomish voice within): Actually this is the Tenth circle. The ninth is just past us, beyond the rotting human fleash stockpiles.

    Wuss: Naww, you're puttin us on!

    RVW: No joke! We just opened up last thursday.

    Gettle: But what happened to the giants? I wanted to ride the giants!

    RVW: The giants were due for redistricting anyway- they got relocated to NES.

    Geb: Eternal suffering vs. a simple endless existance of meanial tasks and nonaccomplishment.... seems like it's a bit unfair to have them switch out like that, doesn't it?

    RVW: Yeah, even the boss downstairs thought it was a little harsh to send them to NES... but something had to give, we were running out of space down here.

    Geb: .........

    RVW: Well come on, in or out, but don't leave the gate open. The souls of the damned will get out!

    The heros descend into the tenth circle


    Gettle: *rolls eyes*

    Wuss: *confused*

    Geb: Sem? What are you doing here?

    STT (Semievil the tourturer): I'm tormenting the souls of the damned, what does it look like I'm doing?

    Gettle: But... you're in NES.

    STT: No, Sem is in NES, I'm Sem.

    Geb: *confused*

    Wuss: It's simple really- each Sem is merely a fragment of the original evil. The prefix 'Semi' implies that it is only a part, and since it is only a part, naturally other parts exist which make up the whole of evil.

    Geb: *confused*

    Wuss: Never mind.

    Gettle: So what's the deal with this tenth circle thing?

    STT: Ahh, yes, the newly installed Tenth Circle: The Healthy, Physique Obsessed Twenty-Something Capitalist Success Stories

    Wuss: But wait... being healthy isn't a sin...

    STT: Technically no, but the dynamic fits a very wealthy portion of the population, and to be honest, Hell is having some finance problems. But the cash we made froom confiscating and pawning all the stuff these guys try to take with them into the afterlife has covered our anual expenses three times over, and that doesn't even take into account the estate tax revenue!

    Gettle: So what kind of torment do you have going down here?

    STT: That's the wonderful thing really- they practically torment themselves! The cost of maintaining the tenth circle is insignificant compared to the other circles.

    Take for example our first subdivision: the compulsive dieters.

    We simply have fast food delivered (charged, of course to their company cards) once a month to each of them. Otherwise starved, they agonize for days about the calorie count involved before finally giving in and eating the food, which by that time has come to life from being constantly reheated. After eating, despite the fact that most of them get food poisoning, they all feel so guilty that they spend the rest of the month rigorously excercising to burn off the extra calories. I mean, in most circles the damned have to be forced to walk on the edge of a lake of brimstone and lava.... these guys jump right in and do laps, screaming all the way!

    Wuss: That's diabolical.

    "Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!" - Ego =D

    "Eagles may soar, but weasles are never sucked into jet engines." -Anon

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    06-23-2002 04:06 AM


    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: Maryland, U.S. of A.
    Posts: 32
    No no, the plot holes were the FOURTH circle...
    Haggis: Waaait a minute--when did we get into the eighth circle?

    Ford: Aren't you wondering more about when a tenth circle became canon for the atlas of Hell?

    Geb: Both points taken. *raises an eyebrow towards STT*

    Sem the torturer: Er....uh....boss?

    Sem the writer: Don't make me send down Sem from "The Eternal War" to set you all straight.

    Geb: Right right, we'll be good. Where were we now?

    Highemp: Trekking through the tenth circle to reach the eighth circle, and finally the ninth circle, where I plan to unleash my diabolical--er--I mean, where we'll end Gate's tyrrany over TACC at the root of the problem.

    Geb: And get quality porn.

    Highemp: Er...right.

    Geb: Right. What are we waiting for then?

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    06-23-2002 05:07 AM


    Registered: Jun 2002
    Location: My own little world, U.S.A.
    Posts: 2
    Everyone's a critic...

    "Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!" - Ego =D

    "Eagles may soar, but weasles are never sucked into jet engines." -Anon

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    06-24-2002 01:28 AM


    Registered: Dec 2001
    Posts: 26
    Having added STT to their party, they trekked onward through the tenth circle of Hell, six in all: Gebohq, the ersatz leader; Highemperor, would-be ruler of all that exists; Haggis, some weird kind of food, as I'm given to understand; Ford, a crossable river junction; Semievil the Torturer, an Everquestian turned hero turned goofball turned torturer turned lazy-bum-addicted-to-porn-with-a-paunch (in other words, a clone of Geb); and Gettle, the Bingbearer.

    Highemperor: *standing apart from the others, talking to a hologram of a man in a gray robe and cloak* Copy, Agent Beta Black. Excellent work. My army grows ever larger, and soon I shall have the trump! Over and out.

    Ford: *jerks finger over at Highemp* What's he doing?

    Haggis: *shrugs* Masturbating?

    Ford: To a male?

    Haggis: *shrugs* Maybe he's homosexual.

    . . .

    Um, okay, this is where either Geb or Highemp jumps in to defend Highemp's heterosexuality; obviously, Highemp is occupied, but where is Geb?

    *Camera pans to Geb, who has planted himself on an armchair made of molten rock in front of a TV watching porno*

    Geb: *drool*

    Gettle: *sigh*

    Haggis: *interested* What's that, Geb?

    Geb: *drool* . . . -huh, what? Oh, this is some new Canadian show called The Reality Show of Doooooooom!, I think. They're leaving out the best part, where the man does it with multiple gorgeous women at once!

    Haggis: What? Is this some kind of censoring program?

    Ford: Hey, would it be Hell if you could watch porno sex?

    Haggis: Hmm, guess not.

    Geb: Hey, look at this. It says that anyone who swears eternal fealty to Highemperor will get the uncensored version of this episode! *rushes over to Highemp* Okay, Highemp, I agree!

    Highemp: *laughs quietly to himself* Muahahahahahaha- er, okay! *hands video tape to Geb, who inserts into the VCR to watch*


    Gettle: Now what?

    Ford: I dunno, HE'S the leader here. *points to Geb*

    Haggis: Hey, Gebbie, we need to decide what to do!

    Geb: Well, I guess we- *sees Highemp glaring at him* Er, actually, Highemp's my boss now, so we do whatever HE says!


    Haggis: *whispering to Ford and Gettle* I'm not so sure that was a smart move. . .

    TMTGB: Bing?

    Highemp: *smiling diabolically* Now we enter the ninth circle of Hell - which, of course, is Canada - to confront the Devil Matthew Pate.

    Geb: And get quality porn.

    Highemp: Um, you already said that.

    Geb: I did? When?

    Highemp: Last post.

    Geb: Oh.

    Ford: Ooh, deja vu.

    Haggis: *rounding on Ford* WHAT did you just say?

    Ford: Nothing, just some deja vu.

    Haggis: You fool, don't you realize what this means?

    Ford: Geb has amnesia?

    Haggis: NO! They've changed something!

    Gettle: But what?

    Highemp: *evil grin* I know.

    TMTGB: Bing! Bing! BING!!!

    Gettle: Oh, no! TMTGB says it's - The BELL That Goes Bing!

    Highemp: Not only did my agent, Shadowlord, add TBTGB to the Hell Matrix to keep you occupied, Gettle, but he changed the 9th Circle Access Codes! *punches in a combination, and the metal door into Canada - er, the Ninth Circle - opens; Highemp steps in* Nothing can stop me now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Geb: Um, right. I'm supposed to be loyal to him, so I have to go where he goes. *steps through door*

    And our other heroes quickly follow, the Bingbearer last, followed by TBTGB!

    *Narrator looks around*

    Hey, now I'm all alone! I'm splittin', too! Bye!

    *And the Narrator steps through the door*




    <<On the eastern coast of Canada, a great granite fortress stands. This is the Ninth Circle of Hell(TM), the headquarters of Matthew Pate (the devil) and his prime minister, High Imp, Highemp's evil(er) twin. Inside the compound, a portal from the newly installed tenth circle opens, and a mysterious figure steps through. . .>>

    Highemp: *stepping through portal* Nothing can stop me now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    <<Right on his heels are Geb, the other heroes, and-->>

    Buzz off, beanhead! I'm the Narrator, and I'm back now! I call the shots!

    <<--the Narrator. Right, buddy. I hated this job anyway. So long!>>

    Highemp: *bellowing* PATE! WHERE ARE YOU?

    And so demons beset our heroes as Highemp confronts Pate. What will happen next?

    Director: You dang stupid Narrator! Just read your lines, and you'll know what happens next!

    Ah, right. Here goes: The lifeboat carrying our "old" heroes lands at the granite fortress, and they get out, wondering how to break in and join the chaos.

    Krig: Krig hungry.

    Otter: Me too! *winks at Maybe* And you know what I'M hungry for- OOF! *is elbowed sharply by Maybe*

    Maybe: *glares at Otter* Krig, you can just eat that lifeboat. I don't think we'll be needing it anymore. We can try to get inside that fortress and steal a chopper!

    JorBo: But we're heroes? We can't ste- *is promptly knocked unconscious by Phantom Master, who slings JorBo over his shoulder*

    Phantom Master: *in Canadian/Hellish accent* This one shouldn't be a problem anymore.

    Elsewhere. . .

    Shadowlord: *putting robe and cloak back on* I believe you gentlemen can uncover your eyes now.

    Our "new" heroes do indeed do so and discover that their ordeal is over, and the beautiful women have left.

    Taz: Whew! Thank goodness!

    Kyle: Can we get out of here now?

    Fluffy: Yeah, so we introduce those babes to our, uh, "guns".

    Spasm: *smacks Fluffy*

    Fluffy: Ow!

    Shadowlord: No, dear friends, I'm afraid that you WON'T be able to leave now. I have the strictest orders to leave you in here, out of the way. *leaves the room*

    Ooh, now what? I'm just waiting for the next part! What? What's that? Oh, yes, I can just read ahead in my script! Hey! Where's the future script? Not written yet? WHADDYA MEAN "not written yet"? Stupid NeS writers. . . *grumble, grumble* Ah, well, I can content myself watching the uncensored version of The Reality Show of Doooooooom!


    NSP: Just so y'all know, Highemp is now Geb's master, and The BELL That Goes Bing is attacking The MACHINE That Goes Bing! Remember that - and leave the confrontation between Highemp and Pate to me, please!

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

    [This message has been edited by Highemperor of the Force (edited June 23, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by Highemperor of the Force (edited June 25, 2002).]
    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

  5. #1325
    (NSP: Ayayay, have none of you any idea what *continuity* means? Ye can't just ignore the posts that come before, ya know! *Sigh* I guess I'll do my best to salvage what's left of this story's coherence... )

    Inside the Great Granite Fortress, aka the Ninth Circle of Hell ™, the band of Heroes consisting of Highemperor, Gebohq, Cooked Haggis, Ford, and Gettleburger the Bingbearer stand around heroically, waiting for Pate and his minions to appear. Haggis, upon his return to NeS, has resumed his snooty "I'm a french waiter, and I'm better than everybody" attitude. Despite what you would think, none of the heroes are surprised by this. They're all used to Haggis by now.

    Haggis: "I say, this place is rather dismal."

    Gettle: "Hey, where'd that Semievil the Torturer guy go?"

    Highemperor: "I zapped him! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

    Actually, STT dissapeared in a puff of continuity when he set foot in NeS. You see, there can never be more than one Sem in a given universe at a given time. Unlike a certain other hero that we need not mention... *coughTLTEcough*

    Haggis: "I say -"

    Just then, Pate appears in a doorway, looking all intimidating and evil! His minions are there too! Egad! Look out, brave heroes!

    Meanwhile, the other heroes, the ones who were formerly spread out across the globe, are now inexplicably standing together on the shores of Newfoundland, staring up at the Great Granite Fortress, the Ninth Circle of Hell™. Just for the sake of continuity, lets list off everyone who's there, shall we? Let's see, there's Krig, Otter, Maybe, Jorbo, Phantom Master, Janitor Bob, Michael MacLongname, Losien, Sem, and Lt. Randy. The one's I've left out somehow got left behind.

    Lt. Randy: "Hey, um, weren't we just taking a vacation in Australia? How did we get here?"

    Sem: "I'm not sure, but I think we drank too much Australian beer, were stuffed into the pouches of kangaroos, and set loose in the outback. I'm still working on how exactly the kangaroos got to Newfoundland..."

    Lt. Randy: "Oh, ok. Makes sense to me."

    Mick MacLongname: "Hey, Losien, love, why are we in Newfoundland?"

    Losien: "I think we took the wrong connecting flight in Buffalo..."

    Mick: "So what happened to Galvatron and the Pizza Delivery Guy?"

    Zip-pan to Galvatron and Pizza Delivery Guy, sitting on hard chairs in a tiny little office.

    Galvatron: "See, I think flight 123 A was Hawaii, and flight 123 B was Newfoundland."

    Pizza Guy: "So how did we end up in Communist China again?"

    Galvatron: "Well, from what I can tell, we got on flight 321 C, which was then hijacked and flown to Hong Kong, where we were mistaken for American spies. Now we're sitting in this office, waiting to be interrogated."

    Pizza Guy: "Ah, I see. And where did we meet up with Mr. T again?"

    Mr. T: "Mistah T works fo' the guv'ment, foo'! Ah be spyin' on tha Chinese, an' them foo's foun' me out! Ah pity the foo'!"

    Pizza Guy: "I see..."

    Zip pan back to the Newfoundland Shore...

    Otter: "Do you think they would have any alcoholic beverages in that big Granite Fortress thingy?"

    J-Bob: "That's a very dirty fortress... Someone should clean it up."

    Lt. Randy: "Do you guys think those guys with horns and pointy tails that are coming towards us are friendly or unfriendly?"

    Phantom Master (In Tarzan Accent): "Me think we could climb Granite walls with rope."

    Krig's Stomach: "Growl!"

    Krig: "Krig hungry!"

    Lt. Randy: "Y'know, those guys with horns and pointy tails really don't look friendly. Those pitchforks they're carrying, for one thing, look really painful."

    Otter: "I really need an alcoholic beverage of some kind. Whiskey, I think. Yeah, whiskey would be nice."

    J-Bob: "I mean, look at all the moss growing on those granite blocks! It's shameful, really!"

    Mick: "Agh! Why is the Viking gnawing on my leg?!"
    Phantom Master (Indiana Jones Accent): "Of course, we'd need a grappling hook of some kind..."

    Losien: "Krig! Stop gnawing on Michael's leg!"

    Krig: "Krig... *gnaw gnaw* hungry..."

    Lt. Randy: "Y'know, I think those guys with horns and pitchforks have glowing red eyes... "

    Otter: "Hey Sem, you wouldn't happen to have a bottle of whiskey on ya, would you?"

    J-Bob: "WX-29 should get that moss right quickly. Maybe a touch of acetylchlorophine, too?"

    Phantom Master (Tim Taylor Accent): "Arr, a Binford SP2000 grappling hook'd do the trick."

    Sem: "Nope, no whiskey, Otter. I have duct tape, though..."

    Mick: "Get him off, get him off, get him off!"

    Losien: "Maybe! Help! Krig is gnawing on Michael's leg!"

    Maybe: "Krig! Stop gnawing on Mick's leg!"

    Lt. Randy: "Yep, those guys definitely have glowing red eyes. And y'know, they're headed this way pretty quickly..."

    Krig: "Krig sorry. Krig not gnaw on leg any more. Krig just hungry."

    Maybe: "Here, have a cookie, Kriggy."

    Phantom Master (in English Accent): "Now where would we find such a grappling hook device?"

    Krig: "Mmm, cookie."

    J-Bob: "No, I don't think acetylchlorophine would provide the right shine. Hydrocetylnorophyl, on the other hand..."

    Otter: "Heyyy, little Kriggy, buddy, how ya doin'? Got any alcoholic beverages on ya, my little buddy Kriggy?"


    Lt. Randy: "Um, guys, do you think we should run away from those guys with horns and tails and pitchforks and glowing red eyes? 'Cause I think that would be prudent at this juncture. They're carrying a big net with them..."


    Maybe: "Losien! Grab his arm! Mick, grab his legs! I'll get his other arm!"

    Phantom Master (in Barney the Dinosaur Accent): "Hey, Janitor Bob, you wouldn't happen to have a grappling hook on you, would you?"

    J-Bob: "Grappling hook? I don't think so, but I might have some suction cup boots for window washing..."

    Lt. Randy: "Hey guys, um, those guys with horns and tails and stuff are throwing that big net at us..."

    Mick: "OW! He kicked me in the face!"

    Losien: "Oh no! Michael, are you all right? Oh, it's all my fault, I should have -"

    Maybe: "Losien!! Don't let go of Krig's arm!!"

    Otter: "AAGH! My face, my beautiful face!"


    Sem: "Hey, a net!"

    Lt. Randy: "AAHH! They have us in the net! Everybody run for it!"

    Phantom Master: "Hey, we could use this net for rope!"

    Lt. Randy: "AAHH! I'm caught! My foot is caught in the net!"

    Sem: "Oh no! This net is made from duct tape! And it's dark side out!"

    Otter: "Owowowowow!"

    Maybe: "Krig! Krig, do you want another cookie?!"

    Krig: "RAAAGH! KRIG SMA--cookie?"

    Maybe: "Yes, I'll give you another cookie, but only if you stop punching Otter in the face."

    Krig: "Ok!"

    Otter: "Phew, much better. Hey, why are we all caught inside a giant net?"

    Phantom Master (Han Solo Accent): "I've got a bad feeling about this."

    The guys with the horns and tails and pitchforks - in actuality, more demon minions of Pate - drag the big net full of Heroes towards the Great Granite Fortress; the Ninth Circle of Hell™. Just as they're nearing the massive granite gates, the sound of drunken singing is heard approaching from behind a nearby small hill.

    Red Demon #1: "Hey, do you hear drunken singing?"

    Red Demon #2: "Yeah, it's awful! It reeks of freedom and good cheer!"

    Red Demon #3: "Hey, can we eat these guys in the net? I'm hungry..."

    Red Demon #2: "You're an idiot. What should we do about this singing?"

    Red Demon #1: "It's coming closer! The hateful singing is coming closer! We must destroy it!"

    From over the hill, the source of the rowdy, out-of-tune, discordant, drunken song appears. It is four guys in plaid shirts, jeans, and rubber boots. They're Newfies, the native inhabitants of Newfoundland!

    Newfies: "Lalala la lalala lala lalala la la la la..."

    Newfie #1: "Shut up your prate! Look hover there, b'y!"

    Newfie #2: "Who's this beatin' the pat?"

    Newfie #3: "La la la lalala la la..."

    Newfie #4: "Lookit them scuts draggin' tha yaffle in tha' net!"

    Zip-pan to the minions of Pate.

    Red Demon #2: "What are they saying?"

    Red Demon #3: "Can we eat them?"

    Red Demon #1: "They're Newfies! No being in the universe can understand them! Attack!"

    The three demons rush the four Newfies. Just before the two groups join in battle, the camera switches to a close up of the Heroes entagled in the net. They're watching the fight.

    Mick: "Ooh! That's gotta hurt!"

    Lt. Randy: "Holy cow! That's not a pretty sight!"

    Sem: "Ah, I see someone's been working on his kung-fu..."

    J-Bob: "Wow! It's just like the Matrix!"

    Krig: "Smash! Bang! Biff!"

    Otter: "Huh, I can sympathize with that guy..."

    Maybe: "Go! Fight! Rip his head off!"

    Phantom Master (Bronx Accent): "Woa, calm down lady!"

    Losien: "Oh, this is all my fault!"

    Finally, the battle comes to an end. The three demons lie on the ground, unconcious. One of the Newfies is tying them up.

    Newfie #1: "Idn't dat fulish, b'y, fightin' da b'ys from da Rock!"

    Newfie #2: "If I 'ad a face da likes o yers, me son, I'd walk back'rds!"

    Newfie #3: "Heeheeheehee!"

    Newfie #4: "This duck tape'll hold ya slieveens!"

    Newfie #2: "This calls fer some whiskey, b'y!"

    Semievil: "They are wise in the ways of the Duct Tape! They are truly great men!"

    Otter: "They are wise in the ways of alcohol! They are truly great men!"

    Krig: "Krig hungry!"

    Randy: "So what are they saying?"

    Sem: "I'm not sure. Phantom Master?"

    Phantom Master: "Hey, don't look at me! Only Newfies can understand other Newfies!"

    Maybe: "Hey, you guys over there! Who are you?"

    Newfie #1: "Hoy, what's this? We've a lady hall chinched hup hin da net! What a clobber, b'y!"

    Newfie #2: "Hey missus, stay where you're hat and I'll come to where you're to!"

    Newfie #3: "Hoohoo!"

    Newfie #4: "Where you 'longs to, missus?"

    Maybe: "Um... I beg your pardon?"

    Newfie #4: "Where... are... you... from?"

    Maybe eyes the sky for anvils.

    Maybe: "We're from... ah... London! Yes, London! Who are you?"

    Newfie #1: "Why we be da Newfie Resistance, b'y! We fights them scuts that built that Fortress, an' who be ballyraggin' all huv Canada now, b'y!"

    Sem: "The Newfie Resistance! Underground warriors fighting against those who misuse the power of Duct Tape! This keeps getting better!"

    Lt. Randy: "I sure wish someone would get this gator off of my leg..."

    Holy Moley! Our heroes have actually ended a post without being in grave danger! This must be one for the books! Oh, wait, the Heroes who have returned from TACC are still in mortal danger. Oh well, too good to be true, I suppose. Tune in next time, maybe, if you feel like it, I guess.

    (OOC: Should any of you writers want to research Newfie Slang, y'can go to here .)

    [This message has been edited by Krig_the_Viking (edited June 24, 2002).]
    So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!

  6. #1326
    NSP: Oops? I kind of skimmed that section. Heh..heh...yeah.

    Do you want to go back and correct the past few posts?

    Edit - How many posts to a page?

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited June 25, 2002).]

  7. #1327
    (NSP: Nah, don't worry about that. PLotholes, even when we try not to use 'em, tend to crop up, and we never bother to go back and fix 'em before. You might also notice a large portion of this page is now the entirity of the TACC side-story. I stuck it in here for unity-purposes, but of course, to get hte full effect (italics, smilies, and whatnot), you'll still have to read the original (which I gave a link to). Also, if possible, I'd like to have the first post on page 35 (there's 40 posts a page, so that leaves 30 before the next page, and there are 10 here so far)--I have something special in plan (I'll be e-mailing you Tracer about it) Thanks!)

    [This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 26, 2002).]
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  8. #1328
    Seventh in the Katarn Family Line
    (NSP: I'm afraid I must apologize for my extended silence, but I've had homework and writer's block and just a dash of laziness. Anyways, On with the story!)

    Meanwhile, in a nearby part of Newfoundland, our newbie heros are desperately clawing at the barrier, trying to find some way to reach the chicks.

    Spasm: *twitching in frustration* "NOOOOOOO! All those chicks, and that guy doesn't deserve them!!! We at least pretend to be heroes!"

    Kyle: "Grah! Stupid "All-purpose" datapad! What a useless piece of junk! They obviously have left out the purpose of breaking through an invisible barrior to reach 25 chicks! I'm suing when I get back!"

    Taz: "I'd give up being a saiyan, if only I could get over there!"

    Fluffy: *Curled up in a fetal position, weeping openly, and trying to stop from gouging out his own eyes* "Hear no evil, speak no evil, and above all else, SEE NO EVIL!"

    At that moment, summoned as if it were some strange deus ex machina, Ares pulls up outside of the Reality Show of Dooooooom™ building in his bright red Viper, jumps out, and begins walking towards the nearest door set in the Great Granite wall...

    Ares: *muttering* "These guys should be locked up for cruelty to newbies...That's flat out evil man. And on top of that, they're stealing the ratings from Pay Per View™ no less. What won't these people stoop to. Ahh, here we go."

    * During his mutterings, he had walked up to the sole door, and could finally read the sign, which read " Reality Show of Dooooooooom™ A.K.A. Ninth Circle of Hell™." Having read the sign, he walks into the room and surveys the setting with a deep look of pity on his face. *

    Can it be true? Have the newbies been inside the Great Granite Fortress™ all this time? Will Ares be able to save them from their Hellish nightmare? Will the heroes ever recover from this? Who will pay for the long years of therapy? Will the newbies have a bout of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Find out next time on the Never-Ending Story: Return of the Newbies!

    P.S. If I messed something up, I blame lack of sleep, so don't be afraid to point it out so I can fix it.

    "If you notice this notice then you notice this notice isn't worth noticing at all"

    "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake"

    "You can't have everything, where would you put it?"

    [This message has been edited by KyleKatarn7 (edited June 27, 2002).]
    Council of 14

  9. #1329
    The majority of the heroes that were saved by the Newfie resistance are now...just standing there.

    Why don't you guys go saved your other hero friends inside that fortress in front of you?

    McLongname: Oh yeah, that was the plan, wasn't it?

    Maybe: I was pretty certain we'd get captured though, and thus, the demonic minions would drag us to where the other heroes were, and save us teh trouble of doing a bunch of walking and tedious searching.

    Randy: And I sure don't want to venture into the heart of Hell, that's for sure--ow! Stupid gator...

    Otter: Indeed!

    Go in the fortress already!

    Janitor Bob: Geez, the Narrator's been a sourpuss ever since he came back from that TACC sidestory...

    ANYWAYS, after I give Janitor Bob an evil glare, the camera zooms to Hong Kong...

    *camera zooms to Hong Kong, China.*

    ...where Galvatron and the pizza delivery man a.k.a. 1337m@|\| find themselves in a rather, um, tight position.

    Galv: *trying to free himself from the clutching grasp of one of four hell giants now rampant in Hong Kong* You just HAD to make fun of his name, didn't you?

    pizza delivery guy: *in the other fist of the hell giant* What? His name WAS Nimrod...

    What will the hell giants do to Galvatron and the pizza delivery guy? Will our heroes be able to defeat the evil known as Pate, and thus, destroy Gate's plan to rule TACC at the source of his power? What other hellish--ah to hell with it. Just read the next post.
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  10. #1330
    [This post updated for use with your multimedia PC]

    *Galvatron, l33tman and Mr. T are trapped in a dank interrogation cell, somewhere in Hong Kong. Deamons are squeezing our heroes for information.*

    l33tman: Stop it! I don't know anything, I swear!

    Galvatron: We got on the wrong flight - is that a crime? (Galvatron abruptly stops talking as his Deamon interrogator squeezes harder. His metallic body begins to crumple under the Deamon's strength)

    Galvatron: *bzzt* *fzzt* No more, no more!

    *Mr. T huddles in the corner. He appears scared, but in reality he's trying to keep the Deamon's attention focused on Galvatron and the pizza guy, so as to protect the homing beacon hidden in one of his many gold-encrusted chains.*

    Mr. T: (quietly) Pity the foo' who dies when help is on the way...

    Deamon: Talk!

    l33tman: We don't know nothing!

    Deamon: (rolls up his sleeves) Oh, a wise guy, eh?

    *But before the Deamon can pummel the pizza guy, a cracking noise emanating from the rear wall is heard by all. Eveybody turns as fractures begin to appear on the wall, small but getting larger.*

    Deamon: What the devil is going on here?

    *Finally, the wall is pulled clean off it's foundations to reveal a tow truck. It's cable is attached to the now-fallen wall. Heroic music plays.*

    *Close-up of the Tow Truck Driver's face.*

    Tow Truck Driver: (his words barely intelligable as they try to get around the gigantic cigar jammed in his mouth) How're you doing, B.A.? Need a little help?

    *Freeze frame. Text: Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith.*

    *Unfreeze. Close up of Tow Truck Crew, Passenger Seat.*

    Tow Truck Passenger: Sure looks like it, Hannibal.

    *Freeze Frame. Text: Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck.

    *Unfreeze. Hannibal and Faceman remain seated in the Tow Truck, rifles trained on the deamons.*

    Hannibal: Don't make a move, pally. We've got you and your boys covered. Murdock, go set 'em free.

    *The Thrid Tow Truck Crewer hops off the back and enters the interrogation cell. He sizes up the room, and then scampers toward the chief deamon, framing things with his hands.*

    *Close up on Murdock. Freeze Frame. Text: Lt. Charles 'Howling Mad' Murdock.*

    Murdock: (to chief deamon) Oh, yes, you vill be perfect for my moovay. Yes, yes, I see zee fury, zee rage, zee talent.

    Mr. T: Stop being a damn foo' and help me get this tin can in the truck.

    *Murdock helps l33tman to his feet while Mr. T hoists the malfuntioning Galvatron over his shoulder. They both walk back towards the tow truck. Once they enter, Hannibal floors it and they speed off.*

    Murdock: (to deamon) Have your agent call me!

    *The deamons stand in silent fury.*

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited June 30, 2002).]

  11. #1331
    *Galvatron and l33tman, having escaped the deamons of Hong Kong are now relaxing in their seats aboard a passenger jet headed for Newfoundland. The A-Team is sitting in pairs, Ace and Hannibal, Mr. T and Murdock. Mr. T was kind enough to patch Galvatron back together from various spare parts. As such, Galv is somewhat functional.*

    Murdock: Oh, I do hope vee can get in touch with zat deamon about my moovay. He vould be perfect for zee role.

    Mr. T:Shut up, foo'. He nearly killed those two dudes, and I woulda been next.

    Murdock: But B.A., he had talent.

    Mr. T: What're you talkin' about? You ain't making no movie.

    Murdock: Oh, it is my masterpiece, my magnum opus, my grand finale...

    Mr. T: That's it. I'm taking a bathroom break, and when I get back you better not be actin' like a foo'.

    *As Mr. T stalks off to the bathroom, a flight attendant picks up the intercom.*

    Flight Attendant: Greetings, everyone. The captain would like to welcome you all aboard flight 1024, bound for Newfoundland, Canada. There will be a brief politically acceptable snack served at six o'clock.

    l33tman: Aren't there any safety procedures? Like what to do in the event of a crash?

    Flight Attendant: Have a happy flight, and thank you for choosing Communist Socialist Airlines.

    l33tman: Communist Socialist Airlines?

    Hannibal: That's right, l33tman. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, Communist Soviet Airlines relocated to China, where their business was welcomed. 'Course, the Chinese made 'em clean up their act and fall in with those tough safety regs, right boys?

    *Mr. T exits the lavatory, and the A-Team has a good laugh.*

    l33tman: What? What are you laughing about?

    Faceman: Oh, nothing. Just sit back and watch the in-flight movie.

    l33tman: No, really, what? Are you saying that this aircraft isn't safe?

    Galvatron: Never fear. In the event of a crash, I contain an inflatable raft.

    *Galvatron opens one of his many hatches and rummages around for some type of floatation device. l33tman is about to rise from his seat, but stops as the jet begins to move.*

    Flight Attedant: Please notice that the seatbelt light is on, requiring all passengers to remain seated and strapped. The approximate flight time will be eight hours. Once again, thank you for choosing Communist Socialist Airlines.

    l33tman: Help me!

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited June 30, 2002).]

  12. #1332
    NSP: So apparently you're all on vacation or something. Well.

    *We return to the Communist Socialist Airlines 707, cruising high above the pacific ocean. Galvatron and l33tman sit peacefully, watching the in-flight film, 'NeS, The Movie'^.*

    l33tman: You know, Galv, although this flight has been relativly uneventful, aside from when that flight attendant spilled beer on that man...

    *Galvatron pays no attention to the pizza guy, as he continues his search for a life preserver, a personal floatation device, or an inflatable raft. He has already amassed a large pile of steering wheels, musical instruments, metal sheeting and other assorted junk on his tray table.*

    l33tman: ...I still have a bad feeling about this whole thing.

    Galvatron: Look, a hubcap.

    l33tman: I mean, for the last three hours, everyone from the passengers to the flight attendants has been making strange jokes about the safety record of this airline. I feel like I'm missing something big here.

    Galvatron: Monkey wrench, air rifle, compass. No sign of any floatation apparatus.

    *l33tman sighs and turns back to the movie, which is returning from an intermission. White text forms on the otherwise black screen, reading 'Chapter 23'. l33tman watches with growing interest as a jetliner appears - not unlike the one he is aboard now. The picture cuts to a side view, and the words 'Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines' are plainly visible. l33tman puts on his thinking hat.*

    l33tman: 'Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines.' Could that be the same airline Hannibal mentioned? Hmm...

    *The picture changes, now showing the movie aircraft's wild descent towards the ocean.*

    l33tman: ...if 'Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligance Airlines' really is 'Communist Socialist Airlines,' then...

    Galvatron: A staple gun. Should we crash, we must exercise prudence in remembering not to bring this particluar item onboard the floatation device.

    l33tman: (gasp!)...then we're in a lot of trouble!

    Galvatron: A digital watch. Perhaps this could aid you in your pizza delivery venture, l33tman. You have mentioned many times wanting to clock yourself -

    l33tman: What are you rambling on about? We don't have time for this! Haven't you been watching? We need to get off this airplane now, before we're all killed!

    Galvatron: Calm yourself, l33tman. Use this paper bag.

    l33tman: Yeah...okay...(he breathes into the proffered paper bag)

    Faceman: Look, you need to relax. The fact is, that (gestures to the screen, where the airplane is plummeting towards the ocean) happened a long time ago, and this is a safe and happy airline. They've cleaned up their act. (surpressed laughter)

    l33tman: But how can you be absolutely certain of our safety? Bewteen this 'NeS, The Movie^' and my recent hijacking experience, I've developed a fear of flight...

    *l33tman resumes hyperventilating. Faceman puts the bag back over his mouth.*

    Faceman: I can't be certain about events beyond my control. But what I can say with absolute certainty is that if trouble should arise, if problems should crop up, if evil should strike at this jet aircraft, The A-Team will be there, fighting for the side of good.

    l33tman: Well, that's a relief, I guess...

    *Just as l33tman gets calmed down, Hannibal pops into the conversation.*

    Hannibal: Actually, that's not quite true. See, we'll be coming up on our next target in, oh, five minutes or so. (he champs down on another huge cigar) A-Team, assemble at the aft door!

    *At this the A-Team hurries over to the aft door. Once there, Hannibal hands out parachutes.*

    l33tman: No, you can't leave me here! What if something goes terribly wrong? I don't feel safe with Galvatron, he hasn't been the same since Mr. T's repairs!

    *He looks back at Galvatron, who continues to pull various items out of his seemingly bottomless chest cavity and comment on them.*

    Hannibal: (putting on parachute) It's B.A., son, and as much as I'd like to stay and enjoy a nice, quiet flight, we've got a contract to evict a drug baron from a remote island. So I'm afraid we can't remain here.

    Mr. T: This's crazy, Hannibal. I don' wanna sit around in no Commie aircraft, but I sure as hell ain't jumpin' outta one either!

    Hannibal: That's alright, B.A., I've got it all planned out...

    Mr. T: Whatta you mean, 'planned out'?

    Faceman: He's on the jazz, B.A.

    Hannibal: ...But before we go, wouldn't you like to finish your milk?

    Mr. T: (snatches his half-drunk milk carton) I'm gonna sit right down, and I'm gonna drink my milk.

    *Predictably, Mr. T drinks his milk and passes out.*

    Hannibal: (straps Mr. T into a 'chute) He'll wake up in time to pull the ripcord.

    *He then gives Faceman the signal. Face slides back the latch and pushes open the door. The wind howls inside.*

    l33tman: Please, if you won't stay, at least take me with you!

    Hannibal: Sorry, son! Just hang on to that paper bag and you'll be fine! Here, have some of this citrus drink, it'll calm ya down!

    *l33tman eyes the fruit drink suspiciously, and then takes a cautious sip.*


    "Russian technology, ahoy!"


    "Come on, we've got to stop him!"


    "Revive yourself..."

    FLUSH! GURGLE! (Submarine-type sounds)



    Galvatron: l33tman, revive youself!

    *Awareness groggily seeps into l33tman's skull. He is lying on a fully reclined chair, still onboard the 707. An even larger mound of junk is piled upon Galvatron's tray table, while 'My First Chemistry Kit' is set up on his.*

    Galvatron: As far as I can tell, l33tman, the citrus drink given to you by Colonel Smith contined a sedative. Unfortunately, the instructions were not clear as to seperating hydocholophol from adium-twelve, so I was unable to determine exactly what you ingested. (he picks up the back of the box and looks it over) Worse, my efforts to locate a floatation device have proven futile. But, I will persist.

    l33tman: Never mind your rubber raft, just tell me what happened!

    Galvatron: Replace your headphones upon your ears, the portion of the story in question is about to play out on the video screen.

    *Not entirely comprehending, l33tman puts on his headphones and tunes in to 'NeS, The Movie^.'*

    Hannibal: Here, have some of this citrus drink, it'll calm ya down!

    *l33tman eyes the fruit drink suspiciously, and then takes a cautious sip. Predictably, he passes out. Murdock drags the pizza guy back to his seat and Galvatron puts the headphones on l33tmans head. That same heroic tune plays once more.*

    Voice-Over: If you have a problem...

    *Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith salutes the passengers and jumps out of the open door.*

    Voice-Over: If you can find them...

    *Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck flashes his winning grin to the passengers, and then flings himself out of the jet.*

    Voice-Over: And if you can afford them...

    *Lt. Charles 'Howling Mad' Murdock babbles something about his epic movie, unaudiable in the screaming wind, and pushes Mr. T's comatose form out into the sky.*

    Voice-Over: Then maybe you can hire...

    *Murdock gives the passengers a thumbs-up, and then throws himself into the wild blue yonder.*

    Voice-Over: The A-Team.

    *l33tman unplugs himself to address Galvatron.*

    l33tman: So that's what happened; the sneaky *******s. You know, Galv, I think that rest did me some good, I don't feel quite so tense and panicky anymore.

    Galvatron: Our situation has become somewhat more urgent. For example, this aircraft is flying at an attitude of 57 degrees.

    l33tman: Holy smokes, you're right! What'll we do? Argh! Where's my paper bag?

    Galvatron: And as I stated earlier, I have been unable to locate any sort of water safety device.

    l33tman: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

    Galvatron: I do not believe that that particular outcome has been irrevocably decided. Let us investigate the situation from the cockpit.

    *Galvatron promptly drops the ladel-and-spatula set extracted from his storage compartment and strides towards the forward section of the 707, followed by l33tman. None of the passengers seem particularly upset or worried at the current turn of events. Screaming people, elite strike teams, creative piloting; it's all commonplace on Communist Socialist Airlines.*

    Galvatron: (Opens the cockpit door) The situation appears more dire than I had originally believed.


    Galvatron: Be calm. Perhaps there is some way to restore the computer to it's proper functionality.


    Galvatron: Quite right, l33tman. The reel appears to be torn in the feeder, destroying critical flight data before it can reach the reading head. Hence, our current predicament. As for the pilots, I suspect they were laid off when the company shifted from Russian to Chinese control.

    *The 707 shudders, and it's nose takes a drastic and sudden drop.*

    l33tman: HOLY GOD, WE'RE DONE FOR!

    Galvatron: One possible solution would be to punch our own reel, and replace the damaged one.

    l33tman: (puffing madly into his paper bag)

    Galvatron: I believe there is a hole punching device on my tray table. I shall attempt to retrieve it.

    *Galvatron exits the cockpit, leaving l33tman alone with his frantic thoughts. Images of the past swim through his mind: Getting seperated from the rest of the heroes and boarding the wrong flight, his and Galvatron's brutal interrogation and subsequent escape in Hong Kong, Mr. T's haphazard repair of Galvatron. The A-Team. l33tman puts his hand on the empty pilot's seat. The A-Team. The Heroic Theme strikes up...*

    l33tman: I've got to do this. I've got to save us all.

    *And so, amid the wailing wind and the blaring alarms and the punch-tape flapping about the cockpit, l33man straps himself in and wraps his hands around the control column.*

    Galvatron: (returns) I see you are attempting to manually regain control of the aircraft. As my search for my hole punching device failed, I shall attempt to aid you by locating the 'For Dummies' book on the subject. (he looks around the cramped cockpit) Ah, here it is.

    l33tman: (his face a mask of determination) Let's do it.

    Galvatron: 'Lesson One: The Principles of Flight.'

    *Meanwhile, the Reality Show of Doooooom! plods on to it's unbearable conclusion. The 'new' heroes sit around, staring at the eye-gougingly beatutiful harem surrounding Shadowlord.*

    Kyle7: Maybe we can break through the glass barrier by repeatadly hurling our bodies at it.

    *With no warning whatsoever, the Communist Socialist Airlines 707 comes crashing down into the television studio, kicking up all kinds of debris. It skids to a stop, cutting a swath through the other studios and soundstages. Everyone stands in place, flabbergasted.*

    Kyle7: Well, I don't think any of us expected that to happen.

    Galvatron: (exiting the 707) Well, you performed the chapter four assesment adequately, but you faltered during the chapter five review task. Would you care to try again?

    l33tman: (exiting the 707) Not now, Galv, I think we'd better check out the damage.

    Galvatron: Ah, we appear to have had an unlikely chance encounter with the 'new' heroes. Greetings.

    Spasm: Hey, the barrier's still standing!

    Galvatron: Yes. In an ironic turn of events, the barrier protecting the scantly clad women from your sexual drive was the only part of the studio to survive high-speed contact with a fully loaded jet.

    Spasm: Well, no problem, we can just go around!

    Galvatron: I am afraid not.

    l33tman: Yeah, I patched into the Hall of Heroes computer with the radio and accessed the update screen. The 'old' heroes are in Newfoundland, heading for conflict with Pate. We've got to get over there and help!

    Spasm: But...we could bring the lovely ladies with us, right?

    Galvatron: As I previously stated, this jet aircraft is loaded to capacity. Four passengers turned out to be a crack commando unit known as 'The A-Team,' who bailed out when we were still over the ocean. Therefore, there is room for you five (he indicates the 'new' heroes) and only you five.

    Spasm: But you said there were only four seats available.

    Galvatron: One of you will have to ride in the luggage compartment.

    Spasm: (grasping at straws) Does that hunk of scrap even work?

    l33tman: (beaming) She's a tough old beast, aren't you, baby? (he gives the 707's beat up nose an affectionate pat)

    Galvatron: The 'A-Team' has left him somewhat inspired.

    Spasm: Fine, whatever. Come on, guys, let's go. I think we have to.

    Fluffy: Yeah, part of being a hero, I guess.

    Kyle7: Cheer up, guys! I bet there are babes in Canada too!

    *It is with this happy though that the 'new' heroes climb aboard the 707. After a quick pre-flight (Galvatron and l33tman review 'Lesson 3: Preparing to Fly'), l33tman whisks the jet into the air, full of confidence and new purpose. Shadowlord, Ares and the harem stand in the wreckage of the television-studio complex, watching as it soars off to confrontation.*

    ^NeS, The Movie:

    Steve Buscemi as Gebohq, Joe Pesci as Krig, Quentin Tarantino as Janitor Bob, Wil Wheton as Fluffy, Russel Crowe as Antestarr, Mel Gibson as CookedHaggis, Leonard Nimoy as The Last True Evil, Tom Cruise as Gettleburger, Johnathan Frakes as Highemperor, Chris Lloyd as Jorbo, Michael Madsen as Michael Macfarlane, Christopher Walken as Kyle 7, Bruce Willis as Otter, John Cleese as Phantom Master, Optimus Prime as Galvatron, Brent Spiner as Lt. Randy, George Clooney as Semievil, Val Kilmer as Spasm, Michael Richards as Taz, Chris Rock as TX3_Gandalf, Alec Baldwin as Wuss, James Earl Jones as Tracer, Sean Greene as l33tman, Carrie Fisher as Mabyechild, Marlon Brando as AKPigott, Chris Tucker as MZZT, Harrison Ford as Masetto, Kris Kristofferson as Ford, Keanu Reeves as Absolver and Daryll Hannah as Losien.

    Rutger Hauer as Ares, Steve Martin as Phil, Patrick Stewart as Darkside, Uma Thurman as Keyboarding Teacher, Alfred Hitchcock as High Deamon, Michael Ironside as Morris the cat, Brion James as "They", Al Pacino as Satan, Gonzo the Great as Burby00, Joseph Turkel as Pol Pot, Michael Douglas as Hitler, John Travolta as Fidel Castro, Richard Gere as Shadowlord, Eugene Levy as Farr, Chris Penn as Matthew Pate and Robert DeNiro as Bill Gates.

    Mr. T as himself. Cameo appearance by 'The A-Team' (Dirk Benedict, Dwight Schultz and Jackie Chan filling in for George Peppard). Also featuring Mark Hamil as himself. Special guest Mick Jagger as Ernie. Narrated by Sean Connery.

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited July 02, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited July 02, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited July 02, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited July 02, 2002).]

  13. #1333
    NSP: i must say you've outdone yourself tracer. i applaud you. *claps*
    may the farce be with you.

  14. #1334
    Note: Actually, Shadowlord and the beautiful women had already left the room, if you had bothered to read my last post carefully. Ah, well.

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel
    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

  15. #1335
    NSP: ******.
    [We can't say 'Damn it'?]
    [Hey, 1337 posts! Somebody make a joke!]
    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited July 02, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited July 02, 2002).]

  16. #1336
    Seventh in the Katarn Family Line
    (ooc: I must say Tracer, that was very well done, and was rather inspirational to boot. *applause* I know somebody's gonna have a tough time following that, but since it's gotta be somebody, it might as well be me...)

    Gebohq: *stunned* "...Did they just do what I think they did??..."

    Lt. Randy: "If you think the "new" heroes just left for Newfoundland in search of us when they were already here, right in front of us, then yes, it happened..."

    Krig: "KRIG HUNGRY!!!!"

    Lt. Randy: "Jeez...if you're that hungry, why don't you eat this alligator chewing on my foot, that nobody seems to notice!"

    Krig: "What alligator?"

    Lt. Randy: "AAAARRRRRGHHHH!!" *storms off*

    Krig: *to Maybe* "No, really, what a alligator?"

    (ooc: I'm sorry, but I have to apologize for that poor excuse for a pun. To subscribe to the Premier-class Never-Ending Story, with good excuses for puns, send 15$ a day to Kyle Katarn, Massassi Forum Building.)

    Meanwhile, back on the airplane, that just set off for Newfoundland from....Newfoundland?! Now come on, that can't be right...*mumblings by some other guy*'re sure about this? Uh huh...guess that makes sense. Allright...Meanwhile, back on the airplane bound for Newfoundland...

    Spasm: "Hey guys, any idea what the in-flight movie is?"

    Kyle: *muffled* "Movie? What movie?"

    Spasm: "The movie right in front of us, what are you, blind?!"

    Kyle: *muffled* "Well, you'll have to forgive me, but I *am* stuffed in an overhead compartment."

    Spasm: "Yeah, but...why?"

    Fluffy: *also muffled* "Because it takes two people to play chess, jeez."

    Spasm: "Ahhh, k."

    (NSP: oh yeah, just read High Emp's post and all I can say is...oops...what if we say their eternal punishment in the 9th circle of hell was to watch reruns of that show over and over, for all eternity? Oh yeah, and if this post doesn't make sense, keep in mind this was done at 2 in the morning.

    "If you notice this notice then you notice this notice isn't worth noticing at all"

    "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake"

    "You can't have everything, where would you put it?"

    [This message has been edited by KyleKatarn7 (edited July 03, 2002).]

    [This message has been edited by KyleKatarn7 (edited July 03, 2002).]
    Council of 14

  17. #1337
    Zip pan to Newfoundland TSTC (Tourmented Soul Training Corps.) Regional Training Center. Farr stands on the festering corpse of a fallen soul with a megaphone in one hand, directing the excercises of a hundred or so uhh... extravagantly dressed souls. Purple suits with pink feathers abound. As the aerobics begin the feathers transform into native american headresses, cowboy hats and hard-hats, and the suits into construction gear, cop uniforms, and military dress.


    "Panders, there's no need to feel down.
    I said, panders, lay yourself on the ground.
    I said, panders, its a new world of pain
    There's no need to be unhappy.

    Panders, there's a place you will go.
    I said, panders, when you're damned it will show.
    You will burn there, and I'm sure you will find
    Many ways to suffer in time."

    Music and dancing stop suddenly and camera pans to Random Audience Member.

    RAM: "Hey, wait a second, these guys aren't suffering! I mean sure you dressed 'em up funny, but they were all kind of... alternative to begin with."

    Farr: "Ohh, you shall see, simple one

    Allright people, let's pick it up where we left off:

    It's fun to suffer in H-E-L-L.
    It's fun to suffer in H-E-L-L.

    They have everything from affliction to toil,
    You can get yourself boiled in oil...

    It's fun to suffer in H-E-L-L.
    It's fun to suffer in H-E-L-L."

    The panders all struggle in vain to make the H's and E's. Some break their arms, some try to double up on the letters, some even try to cheat by making lower-case h's. When they fail, they are scalded, whipped and otherwise mutilated.

    Keyboarding Teacher: "Hell is a proper noun!" *tears off the leg of one of the cheaters and clubs him over the head with it before pouring hot oil on him and setting it ablaze* "Now do it again!"

    As the song progresses the SATU (small autonimous townlike unit) People are brought to a seething frenzy.

    Farr: "Behold, hell's *Farr is suddenly smacked in the forhead by a flying keyboard* ermn... Hell's answer to the Newfie resistance: The SATU People!"

    zip-pan to the 'old' heroes, standing around chatting with the Newfies

    Krig: "Krig hear something catchy..."

    Off in the distance a mass of oddly dressed dancing men are runnning towards the group.

    Heroes, are you messin with me?
    I said, heroes, what do you want to be?
    I said, heroes, you can run if you want.
    But you got to know this one thing!

    No man can escape from Hell's wrath.
    I said, heroes, come take your oil bath,
    And just go there, to the torture and pain
    I'm sure they can hurt you today.

    You're all gonna burn in H-E-L-L!
    You're all gonna burn in H-E-L-L!

    Some of the SATU People falter and fall behind, limbs flailing, trying to make the letters, but most just keep running towards the heroes.

    Lt. Randy: "Maybe they can get this alligator off my leg..."

    Sem: "Do not try to get rid of the alligator. Instead, only try to realize the truth."

    Lt. Randy: "Which is?"

    Sem: "There is no alligator."

    Lt. Randy stares hard at the alligator for a minute, watches the body of the alligator twist and contort, realizes that it's still chewing, and gives up. The alligator remains twisted, contorted, and attached to Randy's leg.

    You guys are really a lost cause you know that? I ought to just let the SATU People kill you all!

    Lt. Randy: "There is no narrator."

    What the? Hey! That's not! What the? I'm all twisty! Hey! WTH? This is NOT cool!

    Lt. Randy: "Dude! This rules!"

    The early bird may get the worm-
    but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

    Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!
    In Soviet ISB, NeS writes YOU!

  18. #1338
    forums' resident drunk scotI
    So we cut back to Highemperor, Gebohq, Cooked Haggis, Ford, and Gettleburger the Bingbearer, who are facing off against Pate and his minions

    Geb: And so my Uncle Walter replies; "but how else am I supposed to get teh gerbil out?!"

    All: Hahaha

    Random Clever Audience Member: That's part of a joke from Mallrats. Which presumably this writer has just seen, and will procede to rip lines and scenes from.

    Anyway, Highemperor, Gebohq, Cooked Haggis, Ford, and Gettleburger the Bingbearer, are facing off against Pate and his minions. Or at least they *should* be facing off. At the moment they're just telling jokes, sleeping and occasionally checking their watches.

    Pate: So do you think everyone's forgotten about us? I mean, we haven't featured in a reply for ages.

    Geb: Nah, this is how NeS goes. To be honest, I prefer not being featured. It lets us kick back and do all the stuff we can't do on a G rated forum.

    Ford: Like what?

    Geb: Well, promise you won't tell anyone...

    Ford: Hey, it's me!

    RCAM: See, that's a line that Harrison FORD says in Star Wars...clever, isn't it?

    Geb: Well, I quite like to [CENSORED] with some [CENSORED] and lots of [CENSORED], using up the [CENSORED] while she [CENSORED], [CENSORED] and [CENSORED]. Usually while [CENSORED].

    Ford: Wait, why was [censored] censored out? It's not like it's a bad thing.

    Geb: It is the way I do it. Trust me on this...

    Gettle: Uh...guys? The big fight...with Pate and his, now....?

    Pate: Hey! Overuse of ellipsis is MY department.

    Gettle: Funny.

    Pate: No really, it is. I have a badge and everything.

    Pate shows them his "Matthew Pate: AED" [Australian Ellipsis Department] badge

    Gettle: Huh. Well I'd be damned.

    Pate: Haha, good one.

    Gettle: What?

    Pate: Damned...your trip to hell...slight connection there...

    Haggis: Excuse me sirs, I hate to interrupt, but I feel we simply must get started soon, otherwise we might be frightfully late for the next post. And I don't know about you chaps, but tardiness is something I find awfully repugnant.

    Pate: Jesus Haggis, what the hell happened to you?

    All the other NeSers: He's a waiter...duh...

    Pate: Not at TACC he isn't...And don't use ellipsis ******!

  19. #1339
    NSP: What happened to Absolver? He just kind of disappears in the middle of the TACC story. Can we (I) write him back again?

    I meant the character Absolver, not the poster.

    [This message has been edited by Tracer (edited July 04, 2002).]

  20. #1340
    NSP: asolver is/was TLTE, same guy. but shhhhhh....its a secret, except he very obviously told us in this thread. Beep.

    [This message has been edited by IS_ford1342 (edited July 04, 2002).]
    may the farce be with you.

  21. #1341
    As the hell-bound SATU draws ever closer, our heroes begin to worry that they might be swept within the frenzy of the catchy song and dance. Fortunately for the heroes (and rather UNfortunately for the SATU), the plane that the "new" heroes (which are beginning to get "old") were in lands. And when I say "lands," I mean crashes like a giant goldfish might if it began flopping on dry land. In this moment, the village people-esque dance crazy ends, and the giant goldfish flop craze begins. In the years to come, those that claimed to have "begun" the craze (and thus own the rights to it) claim to be bigger than Jesus, and are promptly sued by the Roman Catholic Church.

    The plane, and the unfortunate hell-bound souls known as the SATU, simply ceased to be...again.

    Galvatron, 1337m@n, Kyle, MZZT, JorBo, Spasm, Fluffy, Taz, and Gand exit the plane via the emergency inflatable slide. Because the slide was not inflated at the time though, each of them fell straight to the ground some twenty feet below them.

    Galv: *to l337m@n* I think perhaps I shoul fly next time.

    pizza deliver guy (a.k.a. l337m@n): At least the mass unit of hell-bound souls softened the descent.

    Spasm: We made it!

    Randy: But you never really... er... nevermind.

    Kyle: So what are we waiting for? Let's do something heroic already!

    Maybe: Er...right. This way!

    The mass numbers that are the heroes enter the Great Granite Fortress, drawing in upon Matthew Pate and the heroes that had been at TACC.

    J-Bob: *looking around while trekking through the fortress* Why don't evil villans always have to have fortresses...
    Meanwhile, (NeS count: More than you can imagine...) at The Arena, Bert and Ernie continue battling each other.

    Ernie: Why won't you just DIE!?!?!?!

    Bert: You first!

    Ernie: That was a rhetorical question.

    Bert: And I had a rhetorical answer.

    Ernie: I don't do well with returning rhetorics...

    From the background, Phil the UGO driver flags the two for their attention, interrupting their battle.

    Phil: *ahem*

    Ernie: What?

    Phil: Why'd you kill all the people I was with?

    Ernie: I doubt they died--they just fell down a hole.

    Phil: Well they could have! Besides, what'd they do to you!

    Ernie: Nothing, really. It's jsut my nature to eliminate others, as I'm eeeeevil.

    Phil: You evil people are all alike! Picking on innocents like Darkside and Farr and Gettle's keyboarding teacher...

    Bert: Er...

    Phil: ...they just wanted to rule the world! Is that so much to ask?

    Bert: I'm pretty sure they were evil too.

    Phil: What?

    Now that all of the heroes are gathering shortly to confront Matthew Pate, will they succeed in stopping his evilness? Who will win the battle near the Arena a.k.a. Lgion of Spookay? Will Phil ever come to his senses about who he associates with, and what of Gettleburger, who seems to also exist within the Arena due to TMTGB? Find out in the next post!

    (NSP: Considering Highemperor asked a whole bunch to do the Pate confrontation, I was gonna leave it to him to do that, though most of the heroes aren't OFFICIALLY where Pate is yet, so more could plausibly be added before then. I also resurfaced the Ernie-thingy, though I think only Krig really knows what's going on with them--I don't know what's really going on there anyways. Anywhos, just doing mah part in the big thread o' NeS )

    [This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited July 04, 2002).]
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  22. #1342
    (NSP: I was going to try to post something, but I'm afraid I'm all confused here. Could someone please clarify where all the Heros are?
    One other thing. Several people seem to be getting my personality a little mixed up. Most of my lines so far would have been much better as Fluffy's lines. Trust me. I may think like that, but I don't ussually actually say it. Or something.)
    Cynic (sin'ik) n. One of a sect of ancient Greek philosophers who held that virtue is the ultimate goal of life, their doctrine gradually coming to symbolize insolent self-righteousness.

    Drink So-Be, and play longer!

  23. #1343
    (NSP: I was going to try to post something, but I'm afraid I'm all confused here. Could someone please clarify where all the Heros are?
    One other thing. Several people seem to be getting my personality a little mixed up. Most of my lines so far would have been much better as Fluffy's lines. Trust me. I'm more the person who quietly sits by and snickers loudly at other's pain. As soon as I figure out where everybody is, I'll demonstrate.)
    Cynic (sin'ik) n. One of a sect of ancient Greek philosophers who held that virtue is the ultimate goal of life, their doctrine gradually coming to symbolize insolent self-righteousness.

    Drink So-Be, and play longer!

  24. #1344
    Pate: Yeah, Geb? Well I like to [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] [CENSORED], as well as [CENSORED] and [CENSORED], not to mention [CENSORED], and I even [CENSORED]!

    Geb: Yeah, well, that's not so great.

    Pate: Ah, but you see, I do it all at the same time!

    All: *gasp*

    Highemp: Enough of this senseless prattle! End this pointless debate! Cease the incessant babbling! Halt the-

    Ford: *tapping Highemp on shoulder* Um, excuse me?

    Highemp: -stupidity! Stop- Eh?

    Ford: I think you're being a hypocrite.

    Highemp: Hypo-what? Is that anything like a hypodermic needle - cuz I HATE NEEDLES!

    The writer of this post is promptly sued by Highemp for making him look weak and stupid: defamation of character. The court ruled in favor of this post's writer on the grounds that Highemp is merely a fictional character-

    Highemp the Writer: Heh, maybe now, but not for long!

    -so instead Highemp blasts the writer into oblivion.

    Gettle: Hey! What in blazes was that? The writer of this post IS Highemp! Was he suing himself?

    Highemp: Hey, you suggesting that I have a split personality or somethin'?

    Gettle: *remembering the concept of pain* Er - no.

    Highemp: Prepare to face ME, Pate! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Pate: Hey, buster, you'd better watch it, I'M the Devil and have exclusive rights to that evil laugh!

    Highemp: So sue - er, nevermind. Anyway. . . *throws a gigantic net over Pate* Ha! I've got you now!

    Haggis: Pardon me, ol' chap, but isn't Pate too evil to be contained by a net?

    Highemp: Ah, but THIS net has the Anti-Evilizer(TM)! It neutralizes his evilness to an extent that he can be held!

    RAM: Oh, puh-LEEZE. You people are always creating new things out of thin air!

    Actually, out of paper and ink.

    RAM: Oh.

    Highemp: Now, my plan is complete! Hey, Shadowlord! Get me a TV feed to the entire omniverse!

    Shadowlord: Yes, sir!

    A few moments later. . .

    Shadowlord: Master, the satellite antenna isn't working. What should we do?

    Highemp: Hmm. . . Geb!

    Geb: *flipping through a porno mag* Eh?

    Highemp: Stand on this device and be the antenna!

    Geb: Um, right. *dubiously does as Highemp commands*

    Shadowlord: *switches on the TV camera*

    Highemp: *addressing the entire Universe* Attention, entire Universe! I have neutralized Matthew Pate's evil!

    Entire Universe: Yay!

    And there was much rejoicing. . . and frolicking. . . and beer guzzling. . . and-

    Highemp: But unless you swear fealty to ME and ME ALONE, I shall unleash him upon you all! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Entire Universe: *gasp* NOOOOOOOO!

    Gettle: No problem, I'll just get TMTGB to bing Pate back into Hell!

    Highemp: Ah, but that's what The Bell That Goes Bing is for!

    TBTGB comes out of the portal and confronts TMTGB!


    Will post more tomorrow, gotta go now.

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel
    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

  25. #1345
    (NSP: Spasm, check the top of page 29--I jsut specified which heroes are with Highemperor and Pate (officially) and which are heading towards Pate. Basically everyone is in the Great Granite Fortress though. And just a little something that I kept imagining in Highemperor's last post...)

    As Highemperor made known his demands within all of existance (well, at least those with T.V. sets. I mean, really, if they don't have one, they can't be worth the trouble to threaten, right?), Gebohq continues to act as the antennae, his body twitching every now and then from the power surging through him.

    Geb: FZZZZZZT!...GHZZZZZT!...if only I could--ZZZZZT!--reach the porno. It--ZZZZZT!--ow....

    *Gebohq tries to move to reach the porno (published in the 9th circle of Hell, of course) when Highemperor stops him.*

    Highemp: --did I say you could move?

    Geb: Uh...

    Highemp: Get back to your spot!

    Geb: But the porn magazine! It's so goood!

    Highemp: Actually, it's rather bad, like evil, coming from Hell and all...*realizes Geb didn't listen to his command* --I said get back!

    *Gebohq wimpers like a pitiful puppy and stands back where he was, continuing to act as the antennae.*

    Highemp: ...dangit, now I forgot where I was...
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  26. #1346
    Highemp: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Bell That Goes Bing will out-bing The Machine That Goes Bing! Muahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Gettle: Ulp!

    Bell: BING!

    Machine: Bing?

    Bell: Bing?!

    Machine: Bing!

    Bell: Bingbingbing!

    Machine: BingBINGbing!

    Bell: Bing, bingbing, bing!

    Machine and Bell: Bingbingbingbingbing!

    Highemp: What? What's goin on?

    Gettle: Ha-ha! They've become the best of friends!

    Highemp: What? No!

    Gettle: And now, as the Bingbearer, I banish Pate back to Hell, locking him there forever, so you CAN'T threaten the world with him! Plus, I captured on live television, and" - glancing at the camera - "boy, do I look GOOD on camera!"


    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel
    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

  27. #1347
    And so it was that Matthew Pate was removed of his office as Prince of Darkness by the Bingbearer, with Satan once more as er...Satan. In the changing of the command position, funding once supported by Pate were drastically cut--the 10th circle was removed, many demonic hordes were "downsized", and the grant given to Bill Gates' evil scheme to conquor TACC was taken back, leaving Gates only able ot return to Massassi. The populace of Canada, however, demanded that Prime Minister High Imp remain in his office, and thus, Hell's dominion over Canada is still left in the hands of several political summits.

    The heroes, on the other hand, are rather dumbstruck, as they are often not use to deciding what to do when given the option.

    Highemp: Er...uh...hi friends. Heh heh heh....

    Geb: Am I still his lackey...?

    Ford: So are we going to just let Highemperor get away with what he just tried to do?

    All the other heroes:

    Highemp: Look over there!

    *As everyone looks the other way, Highemperor makes a mad dash, escaping the scene.*

    Maybe: ...right then. Back to the Hall of Heroes?

    *general shrugs of acceptance from the others, as the group makes their way back to the Hall of Heroes.*

    Meanwhile, a sinister evil is brewing...


    ...yes, this is foreshadowing to the NeS game substory, silly! So time to kill until the next page! Wheeee!

    (NSP: Whaaa? We gotta have SOME plot-moving posts, even if they all go in a downward, coutner-clockwise spiral (or clockwise, depending on which hemisphere you're in ). So um, yeah.)
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  28. #1348
    then they all died and came back to life
    "if a nobody is still somebody
    than that means that every one can't be some one because if every one is some one then no one can be any one..."

  29. #1349
    I think it would be very ironic if this thread got closed, and there's also a valid reason - You're not allowed to dig up old threads!

    I have no contribution since I got bored on the first page, so I decided not to read the other 33.

    Hope you enjoy it though!
    tristan is the best friend of the jedi

    "I am the signature virus! Copy me into your signature so that I can take over the world! Moohahahee!"

  30. #1350
    Our heroes return to the Hall of Heroes, to find Highemp bound and gagged in a chair.

    All the females: Yes! Now we can enact our fantasies with him!

    Maybe: Hey, who wrote that line? It's disgusting!

    Hey, I'm just reading my script, too. I think Highemp the Writer wrote that line.

    Losien: Well, that explains it. He's always wanting his character to have sexual appeal.

    Highemp: Mmmghh, mmmmmmgh!

    TMTGB: Bing! *Highemp is miraculously untied and ungagged*

    Highemp: Thanks. Hey, guys, I had the weirdest experience. Someone jumped me while I was here a while back and told me he was going to impersonate me on a trip to the realm of TACC!

    All Heroes: Oh, okay. We'll find that other guy sometime and, er, well, do some heroic thing about him. But for now, welcome back! It's good to know you're not a bad guy after all!

    Highemp: *grins broadly* Thanks! *mutters softly to himself* The fools. They actually bought that story.

    What? Hey guys! I just overheard something Highemp said-gh! Mmmmgh! Mmmmmmmmmgh-mmmgh, mmmmmgggh, mgh! *is gagged by Highemp


    Mmmgh-mmgh. . .

    <<Translation: Meanwhile. . .>>

    Geb the Writer: Speaking of whom, where IS Highemp the Writer?

    Krig the Writer: Yeah, we haven't seen him once the entire story! He's never been introduced!

    *At that moment, Janitor Bob the Writer and Maybe the Writer are creeping the dark and cobwebbed halls of the Massassi Forums building in vain search of inspiration*

    JTW: Hey, here's a door I've never seen. Wonder what's behind it?

    *Ominous music plays*

    MTW: *opens the door*

    Mmmmgh! Mmmgh-mmmmmggghh!

    <<Translation: Behind the door is a young man, with dark brown hair, conservatively cut, brown eyes, glasses, and hearing aids, who is 5'10.5; there are wires protruding from his skull leading to a strange device connected to the computer.>>

    JTW: Hey, who's this?

    MTW: Hmm, the NeverEndingStory.doc is up on the screen.

    JTW: Wonder what'll happen if I pull the plug? *yanks wires out of the young man's skull*

    Young man: *blinks*


    Will post more later, DON'T POST UNTIL I HAVE POSTED, PLEASE, bye!


    In the story world. . .

    Spasm: Hey, I think the Narrator was trying to tell us something; what do you think, Highemp?

    Highemp: . . .

    Spasm: Weird. He's totally zoned out. *waves hand in front of Highemp's eyes with no response* Hey, guys, check this! Highemp's mind is gone!

    All females: Ooh, now he's right where we-

    Maybe: ENOUGH of this! I thought we already established that Highemp is NOT sexually appealing.

    RFAM (Random Female Audience Member): Speak for yourself, sister! *tries to rush up on stage*

    Maybe: *sigh* Will that writer NEVER stop trying?


    Simultaneously, in the real world. . .

    MTW: *to young man* So who are you, chum?

    JTW: I dunno, but his glasses are quite dusty. *takes out cloth and cleans them*

    Young man: *blinking* Hey, what happened?

    JTW: I'm not sure, but you were plugged into the computer - literally.

    Young man: Oh, yes. You unplugged me, didn't you?

    JTW: Er - yeah. Why?

    Young man: *sigh* Hi. *holds out hand to shake* I'm Highemp the Writer. I was inhabiting the body of my character, Highemperor, in the story world.

    JTW: Whoa! Real Matrix-y stuff!

    MTW: *charges forward, pummeling HTW* You fiend! You wrote my character hanging all over your character!

    HTW: Um - sorry? *twists his arms, and MTW flips over onto her back* Yep, knew that black belt would come in handy SOMEday. Um, anyway, now that I'm out, I guess I'd better stay out until I can make some more preparations. I've made a new plan! Muahahahahaha- *cough*

    JTW: Good! So you'll be joining us?

    HTW: Yes. One moment, please. *sits down at the computer and starts typing*

    MTW: What are you doing?

    HTW: *sly smile* Insurance.


    In the story world, the heroes are mingling about in the Hall of Heroes when they are beset upon by xenomorphic aliens!

    Geb: Aw, crud. Thing that holographic simulator's acting up again?

    Kyle: Nope, my senses detect that these are real!

    Fluffy: *pulls out his gun*

    Entire Audience: AAAAAGGGHHH!!!

    Spasm: *whispering to Fluffy* Not THAT gun, the OTHER gun. . .

    Fluffy: Oh.

    *the xenomorphs leap at them, and the fighting begins*

    Highemp: *being mindless, as HTW was inhabiting him and is now gone, is merely standing around when a face hugger latches on to him*

    Gandalf: Bingbearer, protect me!

    Gettle: TMTGB, BING him!

    TMTGB: Bing! *the aliens attacking Gandalf turn into toxic sludge*

    Highemp: *stands around with alien on his face as Geb charges by*

    And so the battle rages, until the heroes finally push back the aliens.

    Michael: Whew, I think that's all of 'em!

    Losien: Not quite, there's on Highemp's face! *they all struggle to pull it off and eventually succeed*

    Pizza Delivery Guy: Now what?


    In the writers' dimension. . .

    HTW: *ends his typing triumphantly* Now, my plans are ready to be set into motion.

    Ominous music plays. . .


    NSP: Alright, I'm done; now we can have a little side adventure real quick before we get to Geb's plan!

    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

    [This message has been edited by Highemperor of the Force (edited July 12, 2002).]
    Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

  31. #1351
    *The heroes stand in their headquarters' main lobby amid the destruction wrought by the aliens: walls are scratched, vases smashed, the main reception desk overturned. Serveral plush couches are suffering from large gashes, the stuffing ripped out in a fit of alien rage.*

    Kyle: Wow, that was exciting. My heart's beating so fast, I think I might have a heart attack.

    Fluffy: Hey, I bet you're a big Lee Marvin fan, eh?

    Kyle: (nods)

    Fluffy: Yeah, me too, I love that guy.

    Gebohq: Heroes, assemble in the briefing room!

    *The heroes enter the briefing room; like the rest of the HoH, it has suffered extensive battle damage. Standing beside the battered table is a lone, expressionless figure, dressed in a dark suit and tie.*

    Gebohq: Everybody, I'd like you to meet Agent Tracer. The Home Office sent him to bring us up to date on the current situation.

    *The heroes set chairs upright and sit down to listen. Tracer lights his pipe and begins pacing the area in front of the heroes.*

    Tracer: Throughout the course of your jobs, you have stumbled upon and been subjected to various strange and otherwise inexplicable phenomena. Your shifting from various locations around the globe to a car ferry on the English Channel, the disappearance of Semievil the Torturer.

    *Tracer pauses in midstep and takes a long puff of his pipe.*

    Tracer: Other agents have been able to determine the source of these discontinuities - not the space/time distortions commonly referred to as 'plotholes', but stable phase shifts in the time continuum.

    Michael MacLongname: I don't get it. That sounds like the same difference to me.

    Tracer: The difference, Agent MacLongname, is academic, and although it can be proved mathematically I'm sure a person such as yourself would find the proof dull and uninteresting.

    *Michael's eyes narrow at the insult, but he says nothing. Tracer hesitates, waiting for a response, then shrugs his shoulders and continues.*

    Tracer: This may come as a shock to some of you, but each and every plothole your team encountered was man-made, generated by our research institute in Arizona.

    *A murmur ripples through the seated heroes.*

    MaybeChild: That's outrageous! According to you, the very people we work for have been actively undermining our efforts to protect the world!

    Lt. Randy: Not only is it completely illogical, it's downright absurd!

    Tracer: Agents, please. Although the institute was able to trigger the creation of plot holes, they were not able to predict the location of an individual distortion. The particular instances you discovered were by pure chance.

    Michael MacLongname: Look, does this have any point besides making me want to walk off the job?

    Tracer: It may interest you, Agent MacLongname, to know that three weeks ago, our Arizona facility was destroyed in a freak accident.


    Chief Plothole Researcher: ...Plotholes are very unpredictable and dangerous. They could very well unmake the universe as we know it. Fortunately we have these saftey restraints keeping this one in place and inac...

    *Just then, a scientist in the background who had forgotten to get his coffee that morning and hadn't actually slept since last Thursday fell asleep and his head landed on the large, red, safety release button. For a moment, all was black. When light once more returned, all the scientists and reporters were replaced with monkeys in the clothing of whoever had been standing there prior. The plothole was replaced with a magnetized and irradiated banana.*

    Lead Scientists Monkey (shaking his fist at the air): Ooo, ooh AAAHAAHHAH! (translation: You damn dirty plotholes!)

    Reporter Monkey (raising his hand with pen in it): Eee Eee EEE! (translation: Can I have the banana?)


    Losien: What happened?

    Tracer: Near as we can determine, the safeguards on a controlled experiment failed. All persons present vanished and all data relating to the phenomena was wiped during the disaster. The end result, ladies and gentlemen, was the loss of some of the world's leading minds as well as essentially everything we knew about 'plotholes'. What little knowledge was retained is in this folder (he tosses a manilla folder onto the table), and it's basically common knowledge.

    *Tracer stops talking in order to relight his pipe and let the implications of his speech sink in. MaybeChild is the first to grasp the situation.*

    MaybeChild: Hold on...if our ability to generate plotholes was destroyed three weeks ago, then what caused the ones we've experienced since then?

    Tracer: (smiles grimly) That, Agent MaybeChild, is the big question. Or not nessicarily what, but who.

    Michael MacLongname: Oh, how very convenient. There's this big conspiracy going on, but the only evidence got destroyed, so we'll just have to go running into danger on your word.

    l33tman: Actually, Mick, I've been going over these figures (he indicates the opened manila folder) and they seem correct.

    Michael MacLongname: What do you know? You deliver pizzas for a living! (he rises)

    Losien: Now, Mick, there's no need for underhanded shots like that.

    Michael MacLongname: But, honey, can't you see-

    Krig: (chewing on a large scientific calculator) Krig concur with hypothesis.

    Tracer: As you can see, Agent MacLongname, Agents Krig and l33tman have independantly verified basic plothole theory. If that isn't proof enough for you, feel free to hang up the old hero suit. But choose wisely, Agent; turn down this assignment, and you'll be the one delivering pizzas in under thirty minutes, lest you invoke the 'free pizza clause'.

    *Agent Tracer and Michael MacLongname glare at eachother. After a time, Michael relutantly seats himself.*

    Tracer: (nod of approval) Good, I'm glad you're still with us. Then, in a nutshell, the situation is this: Unknown person or persons have developed a method of time-shifting far in advance of what we had, even when research was in full swing.

    *Tracer nods at Geb.*

    Tracer: Now that you're all up to speed, Agent Gebohq has prepared a tactical briefing.

    *Tracer sits down, and Gebohq stands to take his place.*

    Gebohq: To maximize efficiency, I'm splitting us off into two groups. Group one will consist of myself, CookedHaggis, Galvatron, Krig, Highemperor, Losien, Michael, MaybeChild, Semievil, Lt. Randy and Otter; An elite cadre of heroes ready to put a stop to the time travelling menace. Group two will consist of Janitor Bob, Taz, Kyle, Spasm, Gandalf, Wuss, Phantom Master, The Mega ZZT'er, Masetto, Jorbo, Gettleburger, Ford and Fluffy; an elite cadre of custodians ready clean up the Hall of Heroes.

    *Janitor Bob beams with pride. The rest of Group Two grumbles.*

    Janitor Bob: Aye, aye, commander! We won't let you down!

    Tracer: That concludes this briefing.

    *The heroes all exit the briefing room. Group one heads to the armoury, where Gebohq distributes firearms while Group Two heads to the janitor's closet, where Janitor Bob distributes cleaning implements.*

  32. #1352
    *As the heroes file down the corridor, Agent Tracer stops Michael MacLongname.*

    Tracer: Agent MacLongname. Let's take a walk.

    *Tracer steers MacLongname away from the heroes. They begin walking.*

    Michael MacLongname: Look, do you want something? Because I've really got to prepare for this mission - which I still think is a load of crap, by the way -

    Tracer: You won't be performing that particular mission, Agent MacLongname.

    Michael MacLongname: Excuse me?

    Tracer: While the Group One heroes will represent our official investigation into the mysterious time-shifting, there's another lead I intend to check up on.

    *They arrive at the courtyard. Tracer reaches into his breast pocket and dons a pair of sunglasses.*

    Tracer: When you were exiled to Australia, there was a slip-up in the bureaucracy: Somewhere along the line, a word was misread, and Agent Antestarr was sent to Austria.

    Michael MacLongname: And this requires my special attention because...

    Tracer: Because once he arrived there, Agent Antestarr dropped out of sight completely. Home office agents have been unable to locate him, Foriegn Office agents have been unable to locate him, local law enforcement has been unable to locate him. The man is gone, and we don't know how or why.

    Michael MacLongname: you want me to track him down. It's bad enough that I'm given a mission which will likely get me beat up, killed and then lost in time, but I have to be away from Losien too? (sigh) That pizza guy is probably wooing her with his math skills right now...

    Tracer: Although the Home Office disagrees, I believe that Antestarr may be the key to this crisis.

    Michael MacLongname: Maybe he just got drunk and collapsed in a back alley. It's been known to happen.

    Tracer: Or maybe he discovered something somebody didn't want found out. In any case, it's not an area we can afford to neglect.

    Michael MacLongname: So why me? Why do I have to do this?

    Tracer: Process of elimination. Agent Gebohq is required to lead the rest, but his leadership is only effective if Agent MaybeChild is present to back him up. Agent Losien is a dreamer and Agent Krig would just as soon eat my hat as he would follow an order. I can't stand Agent Haggis' demeanor. As for the rest, well, suffice to say that they're either too incompetent or too inexperienced to operate on their own. You, Agent MacLongname, are the obvious choice.

    Michael MacLongname: What about Randy? After all, he is a soldier.

    Tracer: (his face darkens) When this is all over, 'Lieutenant' Randy and I are going to have a long chat about impersonating military officers.

    Michael MacLongname: Fine, I'll do it. I suppose you've got some big plan cooked up?

    Tracer: An unmarked car will take us to Heathrow International Airport, where we'll board a private jet bound for Austria. We improvise the rest.

    Micheal MacLongname: Great, a seven hour plane ride with an anal-retentive jerk.

    Tracer: One more thing, Agent; You'll need this. (Tracer flips out an M9F2S Beretta. MacLongname cautiously accepts the pistol, placing it in his shoulder holster)

    *Presently, an unmarked government car arrives. Agents Tracer and MacLongname enter the back seat.*

  33. #1353
    *The apartment was quite possibly the grimiest place Antestarr had ever allowed himself to enter. The cracks in the ceiling allowed rain to seep through whenever it got the chance (even on the sunny days). The wallpaper, a faded collection of green and beige lines, was torn in many places and peeling off in others. Ante sat on a blanketless bed, staring through the unpolished brass bars of the footboard at a small television with an antenna that he swore was an old coathanger slightly bent and upside down.

    Upon the television, the local Austrian news played, constantly fading in and out of reception. The reporter, a young woman, stands in front of the rubble that was once a cathedral, speaking in her native tongue.*

    Reporter: <At this site, just a few weeks ago, this monument to our history as a God-fearing people simply ceased to be. The first suspicion, as you all know, was that it was an act of terrorism against our peaceful town for being part of the "free world." However, the eye-witness reports of an explosion were quickly discredited as it was proved that any flash they saw was due to sunspots, and the only sound noted was that of the cathedral falling upon itself. Local businesses are relieved that nobody was hurt, as the clergy who had inhabited it were shopping at the time. Also of note was that no other buildings in the area were damaged, so the clean-up efforts will be made that much easier...>

    Ante *to himself*: It's times like this that I wish I had taken a foreign language in school... that, and I wish all the phones in this town weren't in freaking latin or whatever it is that I can't read.

    *But as Ante watched the news story, he knew that the people were being fed misinformation. He had been there. Watched the bloodshed. Seen the one-sided battle involving the mysterious figure. Watched how quickly the area became off-limits after the destruction, so that any trace of what had really happened was removed. He knew, because this one man was so wanted by a great power that he had gained the ability to elude even Ante himself, who prized himself on being able to track nearly anybody to further his own goals.

    But all this thinking was starting to get him down. He needed a way out of this town, which was seemingly cut off from the rest of the world. He needed a cell phone, a plane ticket, a friend. SOMETHING. But most of all... he needed to go to the ice machine down the hall because it was freaking hot in his room and the A/C was busted.

    Stepping outside of his room into the equally decrepit hallway, he spied another individual attempting to use the ice machine. 6 and half feet tall and garbed completely in black the man seemed vaguely familiar to him...

    Suddenly it all jerked into place and made sense. The man before him was the same man from the cathedral. He'd seen him before but hadn't recognized him. Ducking back into his room for a moment, he spied his television from an angle and noted that what he believed were disruptions in the signal had actually been subliminal programming to make him forget the man dressed in black.

    Ante peered back out from his doorway towards the ice machine. The machine was apparently giving the man more trouble than ice. Then, in a fit of rage that seemed to have no limit, the man's fist was suddenly through the front of the ice machine and ice was pouring into the bucket. The man, satisfied with his ice supply, returned to his room... not 3 doors from Ante's room.

    Taking note of the number on the door, Antestarr ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time, until he remembered how rotted out they were just after punching through one and tumbling the rest of the way down. Giving the pain in his leg no heed, he dashed to the desk clerk.*

    Ante: Clerk, I've gotta know, who's in room 211?

    Clerk: <What are you saying, man? I can't understand.>

    *Ante then feverishly writes the number 211 on a piece of paper followed by three really big question marks.*

    Clerk: <I'm sorry sir, but a Mr. Dalaes is already in that room. We cannot allow you to take it from him, as per policy.>

    Ante *thinking to himself some more*: Dalaes... Dalaes... why does that sound so familiar......?

    *Faced with this new turn of events, Ante decided to do the only thing that made sense to him after all the brainwashing Austrian television, and something called "The Reality Show of Doooooooom" dubbed in Austrian and with mosaics over all the faces except for the women. He proceeded to go to the store, buy the largest bottle of liquor he could find, and drank it until he was ready to go and knock on the door to room 211.*
    Pereant qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.

  34. #1354
    Scene swipe from the Austian motel into an isolated chamber. On one end of the chamber is a doorway, closed at the moment, with no apparent doorknob device. Several feet from the door, a large C-shaped console stands, filled with buttons and displays of all sorts. On either side of the console, by the walls, are tables filled with paperwork and personal computers. In the middle of the large console is a holographic projector, displaying a lengthy line with numerous circles and X's on it. On the opposite wall of the doorway is a large monitor, flanked by supercomputers.

    Staning by the console is a man garbed in a grey jumpsuit. He pushes a button that was flashing, and the large monitor displays teh upper half of a figure, his imaged concealed in darkness and dramatic smudging.

    lackey #1: Greetings, Master.

    dark figure: How is everything going?

    lackey #1: Well, my back has actually been bothering me lately, and my doctor tells me that I need to excersise more--

    dark figure: I was speaking of my plans.

    lackey #1: Of course...Step 1 is proceeding as planned, Master. The Never-ending Story Thread has been disrupted with the mystical swirls, as instructed.

    dark figure: Good...continue doing so. Soon Step 2 will be ready to begin, and then the heroes, even the writers of this god-forsaken story will not be able to stop me as I alter it to my will! Make sure to make contact with our Informant soon...

    lackey #1: So...not to be nosey, but when will I get to see who you are? All my paycheck says is "Unknown", and it kinda freaks me out sometimes--

    *The monitor fizzles out*

    lackey #1: Dangit. Stupid Internet relations...

    Who could the dark figure be, and what do they want with the Never-ending Story Thread, other than to cause evil of course... And whom could the Informant be? Pretty steep cliffhangers, eh? Tune in next time, right here, to find out!
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

  35. #1355
    meanwhile, in the writers wrealm, just outsidethe IS building of the Massassi Compound, a grey 1991 Lumina sedan with a pringles can taped to the roof sits quietly. its windows seem to be glowing magically. inside a young man is hacking into the NeSthread.doc so as to add a portion.

    FTW: what a wonderful opportunity to show them how truly and utterly...

    back in Story Sentral(dont you love made up alliterations?) the Heroes of Team # 2 clean up afer the giant party that had been thrown, 6 months previous.

    JBob: All right men(and possibly woman, you never know)6 months ago the Hall of Heroes sy a party unlike any the world had seen before.*shudders* But today, or mission is to clean up the mess that was made. we'll split up into groups to get it done faster. Taz, Kyle nd spasm, you take the main reception room(aka front hall) gandalf, wuss, Phantom Master, you can take the hang-out zone (aka living room) ZZT,Masetto, and JorBo, you take the consumtion area(aka dining room) Gettle, Ford and Fluffy, you take the kitchen and bathrooms. I myself will take care fo the upstairs*shudders again* for none of you are prepared for it
    *shudders a third time*

    Gettle: Oh boy, some food.

    Ford: grumles*stick me with a lousy clean-up job, pfffft. that may be fine with j-bob but it dont fly wiht me. "Agent" Tracer, my ***, he just some kid in a black suit.

    Fluffy: we're gonna kick some *** !

    JBob: One more thing, the group that finishe before me gets to leavee and chase after the other heros. the rest of you get to help me.

    *shrieks from the groups*

    ford: *perked up bit* great i knwo exactly how we can get out of here.

    Gettle: Hows that?

    Ford: *whips out a few cans of Heat Activated Super Cleaning Agent(tm)* just spray this stuff on everything in the room.

    Fluffy: this **** smells like hairspray.

    Ford: *rools eyes* Really i had no idea.

    Gettle: How does this stuff work again?

    Ford: allow me to demonstrate. here is an ordinary pile of dirt. im going to stick my hand in it till it gets nice and dirty. right. now spray my hand with the HASCA. Man i need a cigarette, wither of you got one? thanks fluffy. got a lihgt?

    ford holds the cig to his lips with his dirty hand, and when fluffy reaches over to light it, ford moves so the flame touches his HASC covered hand. it immeadiately bursts into flames.

    Ford: Now the flame of the SCA will not ignite any other substance other than mor HASCA.

    he places his flaming hand on his highly flammable hairy head. he removes his hand and his hair is still there. he touches the kitchen counter, already treated with HASCA and it also bursts into flames.

    Ford: See? now it only takes HASCA 30 seconds to work, even on tough jobs like grease or soap scum, so having the flame ignited for longer is useless.*he puts out his hand with a mini fire extinguisher. his hand is spotless, and completely unharmed.* teh HASCA clings to dirt and garbage so that the only thing that burns is the dirt. Gettle put out the Counter.

    He does so. the counter gleams brightly with cleanlynesss

    Gettle:why its spotless?

    Ford: I know. There we've finished spraying stuff everywhere. time for the flame.

    Fluffy: I got it!

    Ford: No. Allow me. *makes a scritch scritch noise, the Cheshire Zippo appears form thin air.* ah good to see you old friend.

    TCZ: its good to be back. Gtes was starting to bore me. after a while when i touched him with my flame, he started screaming "MORe! More!"

    Ford: right, ladies and gentleman welcome to TMI Broadcasting, thats Too Much Information. but anyway, would you lite up our HASCA covered areas?

    TCZ: why certainly, im always willing to destroy a piece of the environment.

    Gettle: what was that?

    Ford: Oh he just means the Dirt and Garbage. HASCA has no effect whatsoever on anything but that..He he. CZ do you work.

    there is a loud FOOM and everything seems to be on fire. Ford laughs manically, but Gettle and Fluffy panic.theytake the industrial sized fire exticnguishersand start putting out everything. when they do, that thing is totall spotless. after a while they start to enjoy the look of burning things and start gathering paper.

    Ford: HEY! dont do it man, youll burn down the HoH!

    Gettle: Ha hA HA!

    the bingbearer throws TMTGB into the flames he just created. it starts to glow and then strane words begin to form on it nothing the four of them could read. but all of a sudden, Gettle gets a craving for a twinkie and a 7-11 slurpee.

    Gettle: Hey i just got a craving for a twinkie and a 7-11 slurpee all of a sudden.

    Why did Gettle get this sudden craving? what do the words on TMTGB say? will the HoH burn down due to the non-HASCA flames in the kitchen? find out al this and more in the next installment of NeS: Hot Enough For You?
    may the farce be with you.

  36. #1356
    While the others are busy cleaning JorBo slips out of the room and heads for the HoH garage.

    JorBo: I'm not going to sit around cleaning while some evil force is throwing plot holes around.

    JorBo walks over to the weapons locker and fills up a large sack with guns and ammo.

    JorBo: I'm gonna need some help on this one.

    JorBo gets on his street bike, punches the gas and heads off down the street.
    It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it. - Robert E. Lee

  37. #1357
    meanwhile, in the 7-11 that overlooks the Arena(A.K.A. TeH LegIoN of SpO0kaY), Gettleberger, the bingbearer enjoys a twinkie and a 7-11 slurpee.hes having a meaningful conversation with TMTGB.


    Gettle: *swallows* Yeah. my sisters boyfriends stepsisters cats former owner, who was also the librarian over on the hill across the street from the church where my uncle had his funeral, had the same problem. no worries though he told me he fixed it with a little duct tape, a staple gun, and some magazines from the adult rental section.


    Gettle: Oh yeah, he was the librarian. i wonder what ever happened to that cat?

    <<camera pans to the arena below. where two cats are having somesort of conversation.>>

    Cat #1: Now dont screw up this time.these repairs are getting expensive and youre runing out of lives.

    Cat #2: Sure boss. now what is it we're looking for again?

    Cat #1: Its a little...

    meanwhiile, in the hall of heroes, Gettleburger suddenly remembers someone he used to know.

    Gettle:*standing up straight aafter finishing putting out the flames* wow i havent thought about him in a long time.

    Fluffy: Who?

    Gettle: Huh? Oh. Uh, Mr. Kendall, the old librarian where i grew up. he had a really nasty cat. intellegent little bugger. mean though. he sold it to my sisters girlfriends brother though. funny, she got rid of it 6 months later. i wonder what ever happened to that cat.

    What did happen to that cat? And speaking of cats who were those two we saw speaking a minute ago? i could tell ya..i know you wanna know.. only $50...c'mon i know you want it.well up yours. youll just have to find out next time on NeS: Boy is it getting strange.

    Gettle: ARRRRGH!!! Brainfreeze!
    may the farce be with you.

  38. #1358
    Setting: The Dark City. A place of unspeakable evil and uhh.... darkness.
    JorBo walks down the dark evil streets toward his destination.
    Clad in black overcoat and sunglasses JorBo knows no one would dare mess with him.

    JorBo: Finally!

    JorBo has arrived at the only Burger King in the evil city.

    JorBo: I hope he got my message.

    Jorbo sits down in a grubby booth that looks like it hasn't been cleaned in years.
    A large and insane looking cat walks into the Burger King and sits down at JorBo's booth.

    JorBo: Hey Catgore! How are things?

    Catgore: Things took a nosedive awhile back when a crazy guy attacked me with a staple gun duct taped to some magazines from an adult rental store. Then he tried to [CENSORED].

    JorBo: My god that's sicker than most of this story!

    Catgore's right eye starts twitching.

    JorBo: Steady man err... Cat. I need your help tracking down somone........

    [This message has been edited by JorBo (edited July 20, 2002).]
    It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it. - Robert E. Lee

  39. #1359
    Registered User
    and that someone is a giant, man eating, winged beagle!

    (also appearing in the newest of the interactive stories, here!)

  40. #1360
    The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories

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