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Thread: A.H.N.U.L.D.: A Story of Robotic Proportions

  1. #1

    A.H.N.U.L.D.: A Story of Robotic Proportions

    NSP: This is the story of how Ahnuld came to be. Remember right now he isnt evil, he isn't a villain, and he hasn't met Thrawn...He is just being created now. This story is meant to be serious at times (Okay..not really ), but also comical at times. The way the writing will go, is that one person writes, and when he is finished writing he stops in the middle of a sentence for the next person to pick up at.


    Down in an unknown small village, a scientist and his assistant are hard at work, for they have been building one of the potentially greatest robots ever. This village is hidden deep inside of a mountainside, where no naked eye can see, and no human can reach. It is a rather warm place where people live without any worries what so ever, where the sound of birds and the smell of flowers is always present. This Robot called A.H.N.U.L.D. is going to be used to help the townsfolk do work. He will be so strong that he can lift up to 50 times his body weight (He weighs a little over half a ton). A.H.N.U.L.D. will even use a skin coating system and a top of the line vocal system. He will look and feel exactly like a human, the only difference is he will weigh an extremely lot more. (Itís because of all the metal!) A.H.N.U.L.D. is nearing his completion, itís been two full years and the townsfolk are anxiously awaiting his completion

    Scientist: Almost Finished, I just need to tweak this...and yes here we are.

    Jake (The Scientists assistant): Is it ready?

    Scientist: Yes, yes I believe it is, let me just turn him on.

    The scientist reaches for a small button located on the back of the robot. He then flips the switch, and after several seconds the robots eyes open....but then shut shortly after. The scientist and Jake stare at the robot.

    Jake: Was that supposed to happen?

    Scientist: Really, what do you think!?

    The scientist barked back at Jake.

    Scientist: Lets see what went wrong THIS time.

    The scientist walks over to his computer, types something in and a paper prints out.

    ďBooting up A.H.N.U.L.D.

    011101 1001 10 100 10000110101110

    Start sequence Ė Loaded...
    Knowledge Ė Loaded...
    Personality Ė Loaded...
    V-caps Ė Loaded...
    A.I. Files 1 Ė Loaded...
    A.I. Files 2 Ė Loaded...

    Starting Windows 98...


    Flagrant error. Shutting down.

    00100 01000111010 0
    10001 001
    111001000001 Ē

    Scientist: Blasted Windows!!! Jake!!!!

    Jake: Yes sir?

    Scientist: Get me...*sigh*..get..

    Jake:What is it sir?

    Scientist: Get me Linux

    Jake stares at the scientist, he drops the tools that he was holding.

    Jake: Sir, need to rest, thatís all. Sir, please. Reconsider. There must be, there just has to be another way.

    Scientist: Iím sorry Jake, there isnít..Now get me Linux!

    Jake stands still, almost as if he were afraid to move.

    Scientist: Now listen to me Jake, we are going to have to take away many of Ahnulds capabilities. Some of his knowledge, he speech, and even some of his games, Linux wonít support them. I..Iím sorry Jake.

    Jake: Hey, well at least he wonít crash anymore, right?

    The scientist afraid to answer his question, looks back at Ahnuld and continues talking

    Scientist: Just get me Linux...

    After the instillation of Linux, the robot known as Ahuld started up just fine.

    Ahnuld: Hello, my name is Ahnuld. I am...

    Iím not going to die, Iím going to see if I was ever alive. - Spike
    It's not your right to decide whether they live or die. They deserve a chance! - Vash
    Originally posted by Elana14: i would love a dong like that!

    [This message has been edited by SAJN_Master (edited May 11, 2004).]
    Think while it's still legal.

  2. #2
    Ahnuld: ...a machine. How might I fullful my programming?

    Scientist: Tell me, how do you feel?

    Ahnuld: I am a machine . . . I do not feel.

    Scientist: Allright, allright, tell me how your systems running?

    Ahnuld: They are running an optimum efficiency, but I do need to go to the bathroom.

    Scientist: I see. Well, be quick about it.

    Ahnuld runs off to the nearest bathroom clutching his nether-regions.

    Scientist: Ahh, I had forseen this problem. One of the few disadvantages of his "realism" plus the fact he's about 1,000 pounds - that's gotta generate some serious blockage. Personally, I think they overdid the detail. For goodness sake, why would a robot need muscles that size, makes him look like the Michelin Man on steroids! And then theres . . .well, let's not go there.

    Jake: Hey, I'm just happy the thing works . . . **mutters** despite Linux **mutters**

    Ahnuld returns, letting out a big sigh of relief.

    Scientist: For the love of decency, put some pants on would you! Jake, fetch the clothing line.

    Jake runs off and brings back a clothes rack on wheels with a label across the side reading "Experimental Clothesline: Wear at Your Own Risk" and places it beside Ahnuld, who arches his left eyebrow and has a look.

    Scientist: These should look suit you perfectly. How about our new Magsealed Weapon-Resistant Spandex suit. And here's an Ergonmically-designed Spee...uh, yeah, and a black leather trechcoat, or maybe even Ralph Lauren...nevermind. I'm sure we've got something else here...

    Ahnuld: Give me your clothes. Now.

    Scientist: Uhh, come again?

    Ahnuld: Nevermind, obsolete programming. I'll take the trenchcoat.

    Jake selects the trenchcoat off the rack, hands it to Ahnuld, who puts it on carefully.

    Scientist and Jake: Wow, it makes you look . . .

    ~ Vader's Corner ~

    [This message has been edited by Daft_Vader (edited May 11, 2004).]

  3. #3
    Scientist and Jake: ...alot thinner.

    Scientist: Wow, that was cool we just said th..

    Scientist and Jake: ..e exact same thing.

    The scientist glares at Jake

    Jake: Sorry.

    Scientist: He's missing something..hmm..

    Ahnuld looks down, then back up at the scientist

    Scientist: Oh, wow, yes..pants. Wow, did I really build you that hu...never mind. Here take these.

    The scientist looks around for pants

    Scientist: Umm..Wow, this is a bit of a problem, I never thought about clothes while I was building you...I never really left the house for three years, unless I needed food or parts, so I never really bought new clothes...We can't let you out in public like this so...Oh!

    The scientist turns and looks at Jake

    Scientist: Hey Jake can I h..

    Jake: No.

    Scientist: *Hmph* Jake, give me your pants now......JAKE!!

    Jake: Ugh, god dang-it. Fine. here.

    Jake removes his pants and hands them to Ahnuld

    Ahnuld: Thank you for your pants.

    Ahnuld slips the pants on, and his bulky muscle filled legs rip them to what looks like shorts for The Hulk.

    Jake: Oh jeese, those pants cost a fortune!

    Scientist: ...Well, it will have to do for now, I guess we c...DEAR GOD! Jake?! What is wrong with you! Go put on some pants.

    Jake: You just made me give them to Ah..

    Scientist: Jake, no. I don't even want to know, just go get some pants on.

    Jake goes to find some more pants while the Scientist looks over Ahnuld. Ahnuld blinks and his fake eye ball rolls out of his skull, revealing his red glowing robotic eye.

    Scientist: Oh my, I am supposed to present you in less then an hour and you are missing an eye...Gah, and you have no shirt on..just a coat..Jake give Ahnuld your sh..hey where did he go? Oh well, here Ahnuld take these sunglasses, that should cover you up until I can fix your eye.

    Ahnld: Thankyou. Oh the way, why don't I just put that shirt on..behind the rack of experimental clothes...

    Ahnuld pushes the experimental clothes out of the way

    Scientist: Well I suppose you could do that. Here, have this tight black shirt...

    Ahnuld puts on the tight black shirt, which fits him like a tight glove...tightly

    Ahnuld: Where are we going now?

    Scientist: Well, we are going to show you off to the towns folk Ahnuld. You are the strongest robot ever to exist. You are also the smartest one!...Errm...well to run on Linux.

    Ahnuld: Oh umm..Lin-ux, yes...Let us go show me off. I just can't wait to get out there and...

    OSC Empire | A.H.N.U.L.D.
    [Jim7 PING reply]: 666secs

    [This message has been edited by SAJN_Master (edited May 11, 2004).]
    Think while it's still legal.

  4. #4
    Ahnuld: off my sexy, muscles. I am such a machine.

    Scientist: (wary) Uhh, Ahnuld, you are a machine.

    The two of them depart from the laboratory, not waiting for Jake, and walk out into the city streets where people flock left and right in hopes of getting a glimpse of the machine' tremendous figure, though mainly just to google at his tight pants.

    Ahnuld: I see penguins. Does not compute.

    Scientist: Ahh, that would be Linux. Just ignore it, must be a, watermark...

    Jake squeezes through the massive crowd and rejoins them.

    Scientist: What on earth are you wearing? They're pretty colorful.

    Jake: Some clothes I stole off a manakin. I know the owner, so I worked something out. What's up with Ahnuld?

    Scientist: He's seeing penguins. Must be a side-effect of Linux - I reckon it's a watermark.

    Jake: But we made him?

    Scientist: Try telling Linux CEOs that.

    They enter the town square, and the scientist and Jake step up to a podium to speek while Ahnuld ascends a tall, wooden platform, which trembles under his wait and collapses. A new, metal one is brought out, but when Ahnuld stands on that, it falls through the entire stage. Eventually he just stands out on the ground. Crowds of people flock from all around.

    Scientis:t I now, proudly present to you, none other than . . .

    ~ Vader's Corner ~

  5. #5
    Scientist: ...Ahnuld!

    The Scientist turns to Ahnuld, as the townsfolk are all yelling and clapping and screaming 'Ahnuld! Ahnuld!'..Ahnuld isn't moving

    Scientist: Ahnuld...AHNULD!? What's wrong..*to the townsfolk* Please, be quiet...Ahnuld isn't responding.

    The townsfolk all simmer down and stare at Ahnuld confused and saddened

    Ahnuld: There. Look. *Points infront of him* Penguin.

    The scientist looks as he speaks

    Scientist: Ahnuld, I am telling you it's a Linu...Oh sweet lord...a penguin.

    Ahnuld: Penguin. Why?

    Scientist: Umm...

    Ahnuld: Besides, I don't even have Linux anymore. I went to look for some 'pictures' on my built in internet, and I downloaded some virus called "Windows XP".

    Jake: That's doesn't make much sense to me..but..whatever....Hmmm...The penguin, it's still here.

    Jake approaches the penguin

    Penguin: Hello?

    Jake: Who are you..and do you work for linux by any chance? AND HOW CAN YOU TALK?!

    Penguin: Linux? No. Why can I talk? I was born this way..and who am I? I am Max..Max The Penguin.

    Jake: Well Max..what are you doing here?

    MTP: Well, you see I was wandering through the woods when all of a sudden...

    (NSP: That last post was adding to the story, but also I'd like to kill off the Linux joke. It was meant to be a one time only thing..but it kind of, I killed it before it took over the story...hehe sorry, I had to )

    OSC Empire | A.H.N.U.L.D.
    [Jim7 PING reply]: 666secs

    [This message has been edited by SAJN_Master (edited May 13, 2004).]
    Think while it's still legal.

  6. #6
    MTP: I was swallowed whole by a flying whale bird and then "deposited" here mid flight. Lucky for me Penguins can glide. <.< / >.>

    Scientist: So you're a turd then. Right. Wonderful.

    Jake: Actually sir, he's a...

    -=I'm the wang of this here site, and it's HUGE! So just imagine how big I am.=-
    OSC Returns!!
    10 of 14 -- 27 Lives On
    -=I'm the wang of this here site, and it's HUGE! So just imagine how big I am.=-
    The OSC Empire
    10 of 14 -- 27 Lives On

  7. #7
    Jake: ...penguin.

    Scientist: Yes, well, I've never heard of a flying whale.

    MTP:...and I'm sure you've heard of a talking penguin? Besides it was a whale bird, not a whale.

    Scientist: Touchť, Max. So, what do you want?

    MTP: Well, I need to find a way home.

    Ahnuld: Where is home?

    Scientist: Hush Ahnuld, let me do the talking...So, where is home?

    MTP: Home is in The Laska.

    Scientist: THE laska? don't you mean Alaska?

    MTP: No, I mean The Laska. You see I come from another dimension. There are 29 dimensions to be exact. All of them are very similar, except for the species level in the food chain and the country names. There is a 'There Laska', a 'This Laska', you name it!

    Ahnuld: That sounds stupid, made up, and just plain silly...I mean This Laska?

    MTP: Don't blame me, I don't control the dimensions!

    Jake: So does that mean Uranus is called My An..

    Scientist: Jake!..sorry Max, as you were saying?

    MTP: Anyway, like I was saying. In my dimension Penguins are the head of the food chain. Humans are somewhere around the dog where I come from...I've even seen dimensions where crickets were on top!

    Scientist: Well, that's all great and dandy, but how do we get to your dimension?

    MTP: Well, you see in order for dimension travel to work we need to...

    OSC Empire | A.H.N.U.L.D.
    [Jim7 PING reply]: 666secs
    Last edited by SAJN; 02-23-2005 at 11:23 AM.
    Think while it's still legal.

  8. #8
    MTP: ... go back in time.

    Scientist: ...umm..Ha..yeah, well, how do we go back in time.

    MTP: A Time Machine of course.

    Scientist: We don't have time machines here.

    MTP: Yes you have Ahnuld.

    Jake, The Scientist, and Max The Penguin all turn and look at Ahnuld

    Ahnuld: What...don't look at me that way. I'm no time machine.

    MTP: Well, you are now. You see in order for time travel to work you need a computer. Any will do.

    Jake: Even one that used to run on Linu...

    The Scientist steps on Jakes foot.

    Scientist: As you were saying, Max?

    MTP: Yes, well, not any computer, a computer that has internet. Because the internet has things that date back till before time. But it's all kept in 1's and 0's. So if I...oh order to hook us up to the internet we all need to be wea...

    15 mins. Later

    MTP: ...and then we can get me back home...Got it.

    Jake and the scientist stare blankly at Max

    Scientist: So what you are saying is that in order to dimension travel, we need to time travel, but in order to do that, we need a time machine, which is Ahnuld...who is also a computer. But in order to hook us up to the internet we need special mind dislocation helments which need to be made out of various toaster and television parts, but in order to for that to work the toaster has to be a 1996 sunbeam toaster oven SE edition of the year? But there are only six of those left in the world...So...How are we going to do this?

    MTP: What? Oh, that. Nah, I was just messing with you.

    Scientist: Wait, so you mean Ahnuld really isn't a time machine? You made all the garbage up?!

    MTP: Ha, yeah I am a stinker aren't I? What we really need to do is...

    (NSP: Sorry for the double post, but nobody is posting!!!)
    Last edited by SAJN; 02-23-2005 at 11:07 AM.
    Think while it's still legal.

  9. #9

    "Ever since I was a boy, I have always kept your laws, now I want to follow you and join you in your noble cause. Jesus turned to him and said, 'Sell all you have give to the poor.' Rich young ruler hung his head, not to follow, walked instead." - Vanishing Lesson
    Think while it's still legal.

  10. #10
    Max the Penguin: ...find a time machine.

    Scientist: And that will allow us to dimension travel?

    Max Yes. With the help of your robot.

    Scientist: Oh, well then, I hadn't realised it was so simple. I know a guy who has one of those in his basement.

    Jake: You do? Who?

    Scientist: Well, his name is...
    So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!

  11. #11
    [Edit: Bah, a huge awesome post just got deleted before I hit submit...]

    I made a thread, that turned into the debate, so I made a second thread, that turned into a debate, then I made a third thread, that caught on fire, burned down, got flamed, crapped on, bashed, then turned into a debate...but the fourth one, the fourth one stayed on topic!
    Last edited by SAJN; 02-23-2005 at 11:33 AM.
    Think while it's still legal.

  12. #12
    [NSP: Don't worry, young padawan. One day you will become a great ISB Master, wise in the ways of Word. Have patience, and it will be so.

    *Waves hand* Also, you want to give me lots of money as soon as you can...]

    Krig have signature.
    Krig smash.
    So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!

  13. #13
    Scientist: ...Scientist. Ha! That's right, I do have a time machine in my basement!

    Jake: How do you forget something like that? I mean we've been talking about Time Machines for the past hour or so....and you just remember that you knew a guy who happened to be yourself that had a TIME MACHINE IN HIS BASEMENT?!

    Scientist: Yes, that sounds about right Jake..But really why must you make everything so complicated!

    Jake: Why must I make e...AHH!?! I'm not the one who built a half a ton robot that stole my pants then spotted a talking penguin from another dimension!!!

    Ahnuld: You gave me your pants...

    Jake: But you ripped them!

    Ahnuld: Sorry.

    Scientist: Are we done children?

    Jake: He started it...

    Scientist: Once again Max please continue.

    Max: Okay well here we go... We are going to connect Ahnulds main processing unit to the one of the time machine and then travel back to 1865. Don't ask why Ahnuld comes in! I will explain later! This is the quick plan. From wherever we are, we will then need to locate a dimension portal. Don't worry I've done this enough times! It's going to happen on July 3rd 1865 in a small bar in an even smaller town in Texas called "Hucksville" around 13:45. The portal will only be open for about 13 seconds so we need to be in Hucksville a few days early to ensure our passage. Which means we should set the Time Machine for July 1st maybe even earlier. Once in the dimension portal we'll be transported to the Hall of dimensions...That's all you need to know for now, now lets get going...

    Ahnuld: This sounds painful for me...

    Max: Yes, that sounds about right.

    Jake: OMIGOSH!

    Scientist: What?! What is it?!

    Jake: That penguin can talk!

    Scientist: Just stop thinking Jake before you hurt yourself...

    Ahnuld: Hey, Max? Before we leave I need to tell you something.

    Max: Yes?

    Ahnuld: Well...
    Last edited by SAJN; 02-25-2005 at 05:15 PM.
    Think while it's still legal.

  14. #14
    AHNULD: ...I'm not fully "equipped"...

    MTP: WTF?!

    AHNULD: I don't have the proper "equipment"...

    MTP: umm. ew?

    AHNULD: I'm not "equipped" with the proper "tool"...

    MTP: AHNULD, we're time traveling, not making a home movie...

    AHNUDL: Oh. But you're such a sexy penguin. I just want you to know everything about me before we go any further.

    Jake: Is this what gay love is?

    Scientist: I think I'm going to be...
    -=I'm the wang of this here site, and it's HUGE! So just imagine how big I am.=-
    The OSC Empire
    10 of 14 -- 27 Lives On

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