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Thread: The Never-ending Story Thread²

  1. #1761

    Reflection in Flight

    R-r-r-recap time!

    Current Story Arc

    The NeS Heroes went to China to rekindle the relationship between Rachel Pi and Gebohq Simon. While their relationship was rekindled, indeed Rachel Pi seems to be pregnant, the relationship between Subaru Yamamoto and Antestarr his a rut when Antestarr left her, and the team, to start creating a NeSferatu army.

    However they also accidentally released an alternate Iriana Emp from another universe - a universe where she took her father's Powerplaying power and conquered the Multiverse. Now she is unleashed upon Earth and has already conquered it.

    To defeat her, the late Soriel released their Potentials! 12 Potentials are now present and, as Arkng Thand, warned - they may pose a greater threat than the original threat they were intended to solve, especially after the Potentials became sore losers in their bet to free England from Hell's rule before the NeS Heroes. Can the NeS Heroes resolve their Potentials in time to overcome their most evil adversary?

    Losien is the Main Character of the NeS and a young woman with a strong heart and a desire to be a worthwhile Main Character and do the right thing like her brother, Gebohq. She is still trying to get over her feelings of being "unworthy" but so far she has been doing a better job than her brother has done - relying on her friends to help her through some of the toughest times in NeS history and her own. TLTE, Losien's long-time lover, had been frozen in carbonite by Polly Simon, Losien's mother, and whisked away in order to further pressure Losien to quit being a NeS Hero and take on the mantle of Queen of Jupiter. Losien was given Fred, Teh Uber Blade and Carlotta the Cape by the late Soriel, one of the last native survivors of Jupiter. Her Potential is Gwenhwyfar. Losien has most recently been organizing a way to stop the Potentials from hunting them down in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben.

    Al Ciao
    Al Ciao, who was once known as Highemperor, is a likeable and goofy, if sometimes nihilistic, companion and friend of Losien and her company. Once the greatest powerplayer with a burning desire for multiversal domination, his Potential died, and changed him to Al Ciao, who now only desires to impregnate women and help his friends, his only remaining power became changing his hair at a whim from its style and colour. However a recent mishap that resulted in his death caused his body to decompose while he was absent from it. Mecha Lou, a witch, was able to reattach his soul and replaced many of his parts with mechanical parts - giving Al a vast array of robot powers. He is married to Lady LightSide, who was once DarkSide, and she is pregnant with their child. As long as she remains pregnant, she cannot change back into DarkSide and remains at his side. However he is also expecting another child with a woman called Mia, who was responsible for killing him to begin with. He also has another alien-child somewhere that he is unaware of. Finally there is also his daughter, Iriana Emp, who was recently emancipated from him and has found herself joined with the NeS Heroes. They are finally willing to try to work out their differences and plan to travel to Armenia together, where Iriana is said to be Queen. His Potential was killed by Antestarr, many Story Arcs ago. He last attempted to retrieve Armenian tea within a rampaging castle for his daughter, Iriana.

    Evil G
    Evil G, known by many other names, is Gebohq Simon from an alternate universe known by some as NeShattered. He was once, like Highemperor, a major Powerplayer in the world of NeShattered. However a series of events led to him falling in love with Young, the "Child of the NeS" whom he married in an evil wedding. After the wedding, he has escaped the grasp of the Ever-ending Plot which consumed NeShattered and returned to Young to be a father to their new child, Chance. Generally Evil G is the anti-hero of the team, acting often as an instigator of conflict, and usually berates everyone else around him, particularly with his sarcasm and insults. He's arguably got more sense than most of the other NeS Heroes, though his drive seems to mostly be "for the lolz" as a front for his paralyzing fears of the events to come. His Potential was killed many Story Arcs ago by The Last True Evil. Evil G currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben.

    Lady LightSide
    Lady LightSide was once DarkSide, a malevolent force of the NeS bent on consuming souls. DarkSide joined another antagonistic force to create KnowSoul, only to be separated soon after from KnowSoul and set to work on the Heroes of the NeS. During a fluke of story convention, DarkSide suddenly became LightSide when Losien, and the other heroes, were turned increasingly evil. As part of a ruse, LightSide married Al Ciao when she wound up pregnant with his child, causing the moral-and-gender change to remain permanent, though that may change once she gives birth to Al's child. Still pregnant with Al Ciao's baby, she refuses to be left at the Haunted House of Heroes. Yet she does seem concerned over the issue of becoming DarkSide once again and it is likely, she does not wish for it. At this time, Lady Lightside is with Gebohq at the burnt-down Haunted House of Heroes in the 8th Dimension, mindful of her child-to-be.

    Tracer is a character brimming with "obvious mystery" as he wanders around in his own personal detective story. Often having spoken like a narrative, sometimes badly, he once dresses like Dick Tracey. He is death defying, having escaped death throughout his time with the NeS Heroes and has a habit of showing up at unexpected moments. He rejoined the NeS Heroes during the Battle Over London. He recently displayed his profound ability to use disguises to his advantage, like any true detective. He has a 'Batman-like' quality, so that he will keep to the shadows and reveal himself at the last minute to offer assistance in unexpected places. His Potential is The Orator. Agent Tracer recently stepped through a malfunctioning portal to join Losien and the others in the former Hall of Heroes with the aim of offering aid, and in the process, now embodies eleven other alternate versions of himself.

    Frank Smith
    Frank Smith, Time Cop, has recently arrived from 1000 years into the future on a mission to arrest a time warp individual. He works for TEA, Time Enforcement Agency, which is run by "Mysterious Person", the identity known only to a select few. Once he found the person he was looking for she turned out to be Apple, the daughter of herself and Losien Simon. He arrested her and took her to the future, but this caused a big problem in the far-distant future which meant Time Cops from then, came back to arrest HIM. He and Apple escaped, but Apple would go through a time hole and disappear - becoming Chronos (her own Potential) and the "mysterious person" running the TEA. Frank feels guilty and responsible and is trying to figure out where he stands with the TEA. Frank is a homosexual, middle aged man going through something of a mid-life crisis and Mysterious Person judges this case to be Frank's test of competence. Frank has a watch upon his wrist that contains Cynthai (CynthA.I. Mk XIV), an A.I. with a holographic projection able to help him in his mission. Frank's Potential was Prophet, who Frank murdered to save the NeS Heroes.

    Polly Simon
    Sometimes known as "Geb's Mom" or "Los' Mom", Polly Simon recently mingled with the NeS Heroes because she wants her daughter, Losien, to rise up and become the Queen of Jupiter. This would, however, mean she'd be frozen in carbonite for 500 years. Polly used a wish from Baba Yaga to grant her eternal youth and now appears the same age as her own daughter. When Losien refused, Polly tried to force Apple to take the throne instead, Losien's daughter, however Apple has since become Chronos and beyond such things - leaving Polly with only Losien as an option again. Polly has frozen TLTE, Losien's lover, in carbonite and carried him off with her in a walking cauldron. Polly succeeded in having Baba grant one last wish - a wish that Losien would stop loving TLTE. Baba Yaga revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes he loves Losien, it is not true love. Polly does not seem to have a Potential, possibly due to her use of Baba Yaga's wish. Polly was last seen in Madagascar, having left TLTE to his own devices once she was granted her last wish.

    Amal, once a young boy under the care of Arkng Thand, grew up under the adopted care of The Last True Evil. Since then, there has been a struggle between the two for guardianship over the boy - neither realising that Amal was becoming more of a man. His character has swung from dark to light but has not seemed to developed much depth or greatness as a hero - something Thand blames on the shadows of TLTE. During Memory Lane, however, problems occurred when Losien, under the influence of darkness, and Amal - having forgotten TLTE existed due to the powers of Michael MacFarlane - developed a closeness that is now, upon the return of TLTE, uncomfortable. Amal has been raised to become the Main Character of the NeS, though he struggles with finding his own identity, especially now that he no longer has the wisdom from Soriel to draw from. Amal's Potential is Quo Anima, whom he believes he killed, but in actuality still lives and threatens to turn Amal down a dark road paved by TLTE. He currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben, desiring to establish his own identity.

    Rachel Pi
    Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the potential of April Fools Day. Her love was cast aside, however, when Gebohq felt that he put her and the world in danger as the Main Character. However he has since relinquished that role to his sister and, after a romantic getaway in the floating palace belonging to Rachel's father, Emperor Pi, they are back together, only to experience a new trial - Rachel is pregnant. She is strong, bold, and fearless with an unusual comedic and chaotic streak. Rachel, as April Fools Incarnate, is debatably a Potential herself. She currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben, aiming to maintain a proper balance of conflict for the sake of the story.

    Gebohq, once the Main Character of the NeS, relinquished that role not long ago to his sister, Losien. Since then, he met Couchman and Princess Iriana Emp during the Battle Over London, resigned his job as a professional hero to become an associate professor of law, and conscripted as vassal to Iriana in virtually one day. Given opportunities he didn't have before, he then set out to rekindle his love with Rachel Pi, whom never truly stopped loving her but has, up to this point at least, believed that his involvement with her puts her and the the whole of NeS at risk as well as who he really is. Rekindle they did, however they now face a new trial as Rachel appears to be pregnant - a fact Gebohq does not yet realize. Gebohq is often the comedy relief of a group, and though he is cowardly in many ways, he has a deep heroic streak of "doing what's right" when he's truly needed. It should be noted that his Potential is dead. Gebohq is currently at the burnt-down Haunted House of Heroes in the 8th Dimension, salvaging what remains and attempting to keep a comatose Miss Fire alive.

    Subaru Yamamoto
    Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she felt, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Yet she accepted him still until he eventually turned her away and left the NeS Heroes to start turning people into NeSferatu and forming an army - along with Nyneve, the woman that turned him. Subaru is feeling emotionally fragile and hurt. She knows that Antestarr wants to turn Subaru into a NeSferatu, but she does not want to become like him. Her Potential is Orochi. Subaru currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben, seeking heroic glory where she can.

    Iriana Emp
    Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. Never having visited Armenia, however, Princess Iriana seeks a marriage match and considered marrying Emperor Pi for his rank as Emperor of China. Refusing to become one of his many concubines, she instead turns her attention to courting Couchman for his skills and affections. She has recently become reacquainted with her father, Al Ciao, and they have many issues that they need to work out. His arrival has caused Iriana to doubt herself and long to understand who she truly is, particularly now that she is no longer involved with Couchman. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea. Her Potential is Nyktelios. Iriana currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben.

    Once a regular member of the NeS Heroes, The Mega ZZTer, often called MZZT for short, now serves to simply aid them with his technological prowess. He does this mainly by maintaining his inventions in their old Hall of Heroes within the ruins of Big Ben. He's currently with Losien and the others who are in the old Hall of Heroes.
    Other Important Characters:
    Maeve & Couchman
    Maeve, now crowned Queen of England, is often an immature and alcohol-prone lesbian. When she isn't drunk or horny, though, she helps her friend and brief fling, Losien, as well as the other NeS Heroes with her sometimes blunt and practical help. Couchman, in turn, was once a lawyer and Renaissance man who wanted nothing more than to win the heart of Iriana. However, due to a number of circumstances, Couchman has resigned to his former live and desires, now finding new purpose in acting as Queen Maeve's primary aid. Maeve's Potential is Venedite, and Couchman's Potential is Midas.

    Jim Seven
    Jim Seven (written often as Jim7) was once the ruler of Hell, however he was voted in as the new ruler of Heaven. As God he joined the Battle Over London when Serapharch, a powerful angel, tried to destroy a fallen angel named Seraphim - a member of Hero Force One. Since then Jim has mostly been establishing a new heavenly domain on Earth which was, disappointingly, established in Burundi. Not long ago, Team Losien stumbled into his domain. Jim Seven did declare a Crusade against Justin Beiber and had him sent to Hell. Jim also still wants Losien and Frank to return to Burundi to help him build the greatest go-kart track in history, concerning himself little with his greater responsibilities or the events of the world as he resides in Burundi.

    Antestarr, long since a "tech guy" for the heroes of the NeS, overused one of his inventions not long ago, which led to his body's decay. On the brink of death, an old flame unexpectedly arrived and saved his life by turning him into, like her, a NeSferatu (a kind of vampire who prefer the blood of major characters making hard choices). While he now shares an unusual connection to Nyneve and a bond that can never be broken, he doesn't love her. Antestarr has a solid, clear mind that is constantly at work to solve the problems before him. However he recently has developed a need for the "blood-ink" of characters, as well as melodrama and self-pity, due to his NeSferatu nature. He left the NeS Heroes to start a 'NeSferatu army', which he controls alongside Nyneve. He left, with the heroes, his lover Subaru Yamamoto who he still longs for and hopes to turn into a NeSferatu - even though she doesn't wish it. He is on the search for Young's son, Chance, which has currently led him to the middle of the Sahara Desert with Houndor, his monstrous dog, and The Last True Evil, who coincidentally crashed there in his attempt to return to Losien. Antestarr does not seem to have a Potential, and desires to have agency in his life to protect the NeS from threats such as the Writers.

    The Last True Evil, or TLTE, was once the greatest villain to the NeS, but the ex-Soviet super-spy seemed to have turned over a new leaf when he fell in love with Losien Simon. While the true evil within TLTE remains a constant struggle, he uses his love and respect for various characters, particularly Losien and his adopted charge Amal, to keep himself in check. He is currently challenged in his relationship with Losien since she became the main character for the NeS and experienced a 'dark side' during the previous story arc where she cheated on him. Though Losien seemed to not be herself at the time, TLTE's emotions on the subject have yet to be settled through conversation as Losien avoids the issue. Arkng Thand is convinced that TLTE will once again embrace his evil ways and become the greatest threat to the NeS' continued existence. He was, however, frozen in carbonite by Polly Simon, and only recently has been released. Baba Yaga also revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes that he loves Losien - he does not truly. Polly has apparently been granted a wish so that Losien will stop loving TLTE. It should be noted that his Potential is dead, killed by his own hands. At this time, TLTE is accompanying Antestarr as they search for Chance, hoping that they can also find something to help himself in his increasingly selfish goals.

    Young & Chance
    Young is the daughter of the NeS and the love of Evil G. They were married in an evil wedding and now have a son together named Chance. Young raised Chance back at the Haunted House of Heroes - where Chance has demonstrated some unusual qualities from time to time, mostly scaring ghosts and ghouls of the HHH. Currently, Young is the prisoner of Nyneve, and Chance is held captive by Morthrandur -- Young wishes to reunite with her child more than anything else.

    Nyneve was the last of the NeSferatu until recently when she turned her old lover, Antestarr, into a NeSferatu too. NeSferatu long for the blood-ink of the Main Characters' line - which is especially strong in the Simon family. Her primary target is Gebohq and is currently hatching a plan against him, currently building an army of her own.

    Twin Suns & The Remembered Forces
    Twin Suns, sometimes known as The Chosen One, is the leader of the Remembered Forces, once known as the Forgotten Army. The Army includes all of the forgotten characters of the NeS, including some high profile cases such as MaybeChild and The Otter. They are constantly looking for new recruits and are considered a threat to the NeS by some, while others believe that they are heroes. Having recently been established as the Remembered Forces and recognized as an official power by the English government, Twin Suns and the Forgotten Army have become more threatening than ever before.

    Arkng Thand
    Once he was the guardian over both Amal and Apple, Thand has since lost both of them to the NeS Heroes. He is a former NeScholar and arguably the wisest man ever. He is mostly aloof, appearing only when he wishes and his motives are a complete mystery, even to his adoptive "children" who often follow his commands without query. Thand seems to have the NeS interests at heart but his actions are highly questionable and his schemes seem to stretch on and on. Many do not know if they should trust him or consider him to be their enemy. Thand has a particular rivalry with TLTE. Recently he has been revealed to be the President of the United States of America, running the government for some unknown agenda. He has a man named "Spin Doctor" working for him, who covers up unusual stories - including the death of Sarah Palin. He has also hatched a plot with Thrawn42689 as his instrument, where Thrawn is watching everything in the NeS by 'infecting' NPCs. Thand is currently researching the life of Britt the Bartend, a character of great significance who was consumed by Antestarr, in his ever-continuing pursuit of knowledge and for the survival of himself, humanity, and the NeS.

    Thrawn is an android created by Doctor Dormouse alongside Ahnuld. More recently Thrawn has allied himself with Arkng Thand and plots to 'infect' various NPCs (Non-Player Characters) and RAMs (Random Audience Members) - indicated by various formations of his overly long serial number. He seems particularly keen to keep tabs on both Hero Teams.

    Emperor Pi
    The secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much. He cares a great deal for his daughter and his recent involvement in the NeS has largely been focused on trying to keep her safe and support her through her romantic troubles with her lover, Gebohq. He long ago achieved his Potential, as the Jade Emperor of China, and accompanies the other Potentials as they hunt down the NeS Heroes, last seen with Al Ciao as he attempted to fetch Armenian tea.


    Apple, true name Rosebud Simon, was an assassin raised and trained by Arkng Thand. Master Thand used Apple to acquire many artifacts and eliminate problems facing the NeS. She has been a tool to organise and protect the NeS from the shadows without her, or anyone else, realising it bar Thand himself. She is fairly aggressive and seemed to enjoy her job, however recent events caused her to join the NeS Heroes and restrain her killer instinct. A lengthy plot by High Angel to seek vengeance against his rival Highemperor (now Al Ciao) caused her to become pregnant, and in order to thwart that plot, an unorthodox plan was placed from Evil G resulting in Apple being her own mother and Losien to be her father. However she went with her mother to try and save Africa from being destroyed by a temporal bomb, but it resulted in her being thrown through time. This, mixed by Soriel's unlocking of character Potentials, caused her to achieve her Potential and become Chronos - master of time. She started the TEA, Time Enforcement Agency, in Victorian London and has since been known as "Mysterious Person" - leader of the TEA.

    Potential of Frank Smith, who once embodied the ideal of justice, now dead.

    The Nega
    Potential of The Otter, and possibly the most drunk person ever, he embodies the "un-Potential" that diminishes the potentials of others.

    Potential of Maeve and new Hand of the NeS, alongside Bhac. She has the power to control dreams with dream powder (and flight).

    Potential of Losien Simon, she is the embodiment of 'heart' in all implications, aiming to hunt down Losien with the intent that Losien and her company do more harm than good alive.

    Subaru Yamamoto's Potential, she is the embodiment of the warrior spirit. At this time, she has been incapacitated by Frank Smith, spared with the intent that she may join the NeS Heroes to face the Ever-ending Plot.

    The Orator
    Able to replace The Narrator, The Orator is Tracer's Potential, and has currently been locked away by The Narrator.


    Named after Midas who turns everything to gold, our Midas turns everything into couches. He is the Potential of Couchman, and has currently been left to tend to Orochi.

    Quo Anima
    The Potential for Amal, seeming to embody what an empty vessel would embody. Qho, however, seems to be filling with evil as he staged his own death by Amal's hands, his current wereabouts and plans unknown.

    Nyktelios is the Potential of Iriana Emp. She is a Powerplayer who may be the 'answer' to Iriana's alternate self that has currently taken over the world and has ordered the Council of Evil to do her bidding.
    End of the re-cap!


    Meanwhile, in the sky high above various European counties, Polly Simon sits in a first-class seat in a plane on its way to Heathrow Airport in London. She stares at the window beside her, less fixated on what can be seen outside and moreso on her own, youthful reflection, her thoughts very much reflective. A steward approaches her seat with a tray of drinks.

    Steward: "More wine, ma'am?"

    Polly Simon: "Hmm? Oh, yes."

    She remains looking at the window, though, as the steward pour her more white wine. Without turning her attention to him, she continues the conversation.

    Polly Simon: "Leave the bottle, dear."

    Steward: "I'm afraid I can't do that, ma'am. It's against--"

    An obviously rare, ancient, thick, and stupidly shiny coin rises with Polly's fingers, leaning as a seductive offering to the steward.

    Steward: "--my personal conviction to only offer one bottle to a lady such as yourself. How many would you like?"

    Polly Simon​: "As many as you have, dear boy. I'll need it..."
    Last edited by Gebohq; 06-29-2014 at 10:07 PM.

  2. #1762
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Let's Go Over that Once More...

    The last time we saw our main group of NeS Heroes they were gathered in the old Hall of Heroes, which was converted into the secret operations base of MZZT. In the room is a shattered portal, looking like a broken mirror, and beyond it are the remains of the Haunted Hall of Heroes having been burnt down. On the other side of the portal are three NeS Heroes - Gebohq, our former Main Character, LightSide, the pregnant "light side" that was once DarkSide, and Miss Fire, who is gravely injured and kept within a stasis pod to keep her alive, though asleep.

    In the HoH, hidden within the clocktower Big Ben at the heart of London, is MZZT, Losien, Evil G, Subaru Yamamoto, Frank Smith, Rachel Pi, Iriana Emp, Amal and finally Tracer. However Tracer, after stepping through the shattered portal, has been broken and split into Tracer from various alternate dimensions...

    MZZT: "There is a real problem though. Not only because Tracer will probably keep changing between his alternate selves but... we could lose the original Tracer forever."

    Losien: "Why!?"

    MZZT: "I told you before, those alternate worlds have all been following the same narrative path as ours. On the other side of the mirror there was always going to be Gebohq, LightSide - or DarkSide - Tracer and Miss Fire. On our side of those alternate worlds, the same people. Same circumstances. But, those circumstances may now change. Their narrative plot may not necessarily follow ours from this point on. That means Tracer, any one of them, could end up splitting from the collective whole..."

    Everyone frowns at MZZT.

    MZZT: "Like... right now, all Tracers are there - right there were our current Tracer is."

    Tracer, with his deer-stalker hat skewed at an angle and his pipe in his mouth, grins and waves at everyone.

    MZZT: "But what if something happened to Elizabeth Tower, right now, in one single universe. That events doesn't occur in any of the others... Tracer's path deviates and he is split away from the collective Tracer "whole". The path of Tracer in all eleven other universes. That single Tracer is then trapped in that universe forever..."

    Evil G:
    "That's terrible... we could be stuck with this loser forever!"

    Tracer: "Now, now, Evil G. I know, deep down, you love me really. Or at least your better version did. Literally."

    Evil G: "ARGH! How could she!?"

    Tracer chuckles.

    Tracer: "Actually, I think I quite like it here. You lot are much more entertaining."

    Losien: "Can we fix Tracer?"

    Tracer: "You know, I'm not broken..."

    MZZT: "I... I have no idea. I didn't expect to ever happen. That portal would have been fine if those vampires hadn't set fire to the HHH and warped the temporal flux between our world and the Eighth Dimension."

    Losien: "Vampires? You mean the NeSferatu did this!?"

    MZZT: "Yeah. Didn't I mention that? I saw them running about through the portal when they were burning the place down."

    Losien: "Antestarr!! How could he do this to us!? I assume he took Chance and Young, then? That would explain why there's no signs of them..."


    Antestarr, meanwhile, is in the Sahara Desert with The Last True Evil.

    TLTE arrived after his personal plane crashed on his way to meet Losien in London, while Antestarr arrived on the island in search of Chance after Morthrandur kidnapped the child during the burning of the HHH.

    The two of them found a large obelisk and, believing Morthrandur resides within, they entered. Houndor, one of the puppies spawned from Ursa Major and Trixie the cyrber-rottweiler, leads the two anti-heroes down a dark and menacing tunnel cut into the earth beneath Madagascar - beneath the obelisk.

    TLTE: "It would seem we have both drawn the short straws of luck, tovarish."

    Antestarr: "It's the Writers at work, TLTE. Evidently we're currently on their hit-list."

    TLTE: "Perhaps. But whatever the case, this place is like maze. No ending in sight."

    Antestarr: "Let's just hope there's no minotaur guarding this labyrinth..."


    Speaking of Labyrinth. Nyneve, leader of the NeSferatu, is growing impatient with the complaining of Young. Young is understandably upset by the kidnapping of her son by Morthandur, but Nyneve long, long, long, long, loooooooooooooooooooong....

    long, long, long, long, long, long.... loooong, loooooooooong, looooooooooooooong, long....


    Nyneve: "Are you trying to annoy me further?"

    Nyneve rolls her eyes, gets up, and begins to sing!

    Nyneve: "You remind me of the babe!"

    Tony: "What babe?"

    Nyneve: "The babe with the power!"

    Young: "I'm not a baby. I won't be entertained by a song..."

    Nyneve: "You... you interrupted MAGIC DANCE !!"

    And we'll cut away now, before all of the readers stop reading and go off to watch Labyrinth instead.


    Somewhere above the skies of London is a gondola hanging from a gigantic Chinese dragon named Long Xiang. In the gondola are a dozen crates of Armenian-leaf tea and two men - Al Ciao and Emperor Pi.

    Al Ciao: "I could have sworn they were around here somewhere..."

    Emperor Pi: "Indeed. It seems you underestimated the size of the city, King Emp."

    Al Ciao: "It's that Venedite's fault for... distracting me."

    Emperor Pi: "..."

    Al Ciao: "What?"

    Emperor Pi: "I shall reserve judgement."

    Al Ciao: "Ah! I see them!"

    The both peer over the side of the gondola.

    Al Ciao: "Oh wait... it's just the Remembered guys..."


    Down below Al Ciao, Emperor Pi and Long Xiang is the crumbling Armenian Palace, now on it back in the centre of London, and from it are climbing Remembered Forces with The Otter, MaybeChild and Ford leading the way out of the palace.

    The Otter: "It'll be all too soon before I have to see another Armenian Palace ghost."

    "I didn't think they were that bad actually. Kind of nice really. They just want someone to talk to."

    The Otter: "Except for Oppo the Mental who just wants to eat my toes!"

    "Lucky for you he was a ghost then, right?"

    The Otter: "It was still cold! And horrible!"

    Ford: "You guys were meant for each other, I swear."

    MaybeChild: "Quiet you. I suppose we should start with the mop up! Now that we're the Remembered Forces of Great Britain, we can get to work cleaning the streets of demon scum!"

    The Otter cracks his neck and ignites flames from his hands.

    The Otter: "This is going to be fun!"

    Ping: "Unfortunately, it looks like we still have Potentials to deal with."

    Ping points to two figures near to the Palace who are still fighting. Gwenhwyfar, the Potential of Losien Simon, and Arbiter, resident Powerhouse/Powerplayer for the Remembered Forces.

    The Otter: "Let's help Arbiter."

    MaybeChild: "He probably won't appreciate us interfering."

    The Otter: "Who cares what he appreciates?"

    Everyone else looks at each other.

    Ford: "I tell you what, why don't you go ahead and find out, Otter?"

    The Otter: "... traitors."


    Gwenhwyfar slams her head into Arbiter's, smacking him so hard he stumbles away from her in a daze. In that moment she notices that the other Remembered Forces had climbed out of the palace and she sighes with exasperation. She could only imagine what kind of a mess her fellow Potentials were making of the NeS Heroes right now. She knows she has to get away from this wasteful distraction and quick.

    She quickly whips off her mailed glove and raises her right hand, bare-fingered. Arbiter looks at her with mild concern -- which is as close to terror as Arbiter is able to muster.

    Gwenhwyfar: "It's over, Arbiter. Let lightning rain down upon you!"

    She clicks her fingers.


    Up above;

    Al Ciao: "I can't tell what's happening, we're too high up. Can we go lower?"

    Emperor Pi:
    "You want to get closer to the fighting?"

    Al Ciao: "Just enough t-- AAAAAARRRRRRGHHH!!!!"

    Long Xiang is suddenly struck by a powerful lightning strike that surges through the entire gondola - including Al Ciao and Emperor Pi.


    Gwenhwyfar frowns and looks uncomfortable when nothing happens.

    Arbiter: "Kind of anti-climatic..."

    Gwenhwyfar: "Tell me about it."

    She clicks her fingers a few more times.


    Al Ciao & Emperor Pi:

    Several more strikes hit.


    Gwenhwyfar: "Don't you just hate when that happens? Your cool super power just, for no reason, stops."

    Arbiter: "Happens to me all the time. Fortunately, I'm so awesome I have another hundred powers up my sleeve."

    Arbiter pulls his hands apart and a large ball of energy forms between his palms.

    Arbiter: "Now, it's over... Potential."

    Gwenhwyfar: "Bugger..."

    Suddenly there's a long screaming sound from above them and, as they both look up, they see a monstrous dragon, gondola and two flailing men come crashing down upon them. As Gwenhwyfar opens her eyes she sees the dragon has completely flattened Arbiter. She doubted the bugger was dead, but it would buy her some time to make good her escape.

    Gwenhwyfar: "Thanks Emperor! You came just at the right time. I knew you'd pull through for your fellow Potentials someday."

    The Emperor rises from the wreckage of the gondola looked very, very charred - yet entirely composed as he drinks from a small china cup.

    Emperor Pi: "Quite..."

    Al Ciao: "The... tea... the tea leaves are everywhere! Now my daughter will never get to taste... her heritage..."

    Al Ciao starts crying like a girl.

    Emperor Pi pats his head. Then gets an electric shock and drops his tea.

    Emperor Pi: "Some thing are just not meant to be, I suppose."

    Gwenhwyfar departs quickly, leaving Al Ciao, Emperor Pi and Long Xiang to be looked after by the Remembered Forces that are rushing to help them...


    Somewhere above Europe is a plane heading to Heathrow airport. Polly had set fire to her magic carpet when it decided to throw her into a swamp filled with very blood-thirsty gnats. And so she was reduced to using conventional modes of transportation.

    As she stares out of the window she see something move. Then again. As she peers closer she sees white flecks of paint coming off of the wing. Beneath the paint she see some writing. Writing that appears to be Russian...

    Polly: "GET ME OFF THIS PLANE!!!"

    But it's too late.

    The formerly Soviet, turned Chinese and now Madagascan plane was designed for none-other-than skipping through dimensions in a very uncomfortable and terrifying fashion. There is a loud BANG!


    Gebohq and LightSide are still in the Eighth Dimension with the very real possibility that they were not going to be able to save Miss Fire who is still inside her stasis pod, blissfully sleeping the time away.

    Gebohq puts his hands on his hips.

    Gebohq: "I think the only choice is for someone to go and find that witch... Ms Nymph--"

    LightSide: "That's the name of the company. Our witch is Mecha Lou."

    Gebohq: "A company of witches?"

    LightSide: "Maybe it's just a more polite way of saying coven..."

    Gebohq: "Riiiiiiight. Well anyway, they go find her and tell her to come to us."

    "For that we need my husband... or anyone else that might know how to find a techno-witch..."

    There's a tremendous BOOM! above their heads. LightSide ducks, Gebohq jumps underneath the stasis pod. Above them a plane suddenly tears through space-time and into the Eighth Dimension and proceeds to plummet down towards the ground until it crashes and sends a shockwave of force across the two awake heroes.

    Gebohq: "Maybe... maybe we should go and look?"

    LightSide: "You can drag the stasis chamber."

    Gebohq: "That's not fair! Equal rights in this day and age!"

    LightSide points at her round belly.

    Gebohq: "Oh..."



    Back in London, in Buckingham Palace, the recently crowned Queen Maeve Windsor is hacking at the gate with a sword. Her primary advisor, Couchman, frowns at her as he walks up.

    Couchman: "Uh... what're you doing?"

    Maeve: "I never got to storm the castle when I got my crown. Losien said I can do it afterwards if I want to. I do. WRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

    Couchman: "This job is like... babysitting a three-year-old with an alcohol addiction."

    Maeve: "What? What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of my roar!!"

    Couchman: "I said it's almost time for your nap-nap, your majesty."

    Maeve: "Oh good! I've had a hard morning playing outside. I need some sleep. This afternoon I think I'll build a sandcastle. But instead of sand, I'll use beer bottles. And they'll be empty."

    "They'll be empty because I'll give you empty ones."

    Maeve: "Come on!"


    Once again moving on, we arrive at India where the land is war ravaged and fire burns on through the night. People lie dead or dying, screams and crying fill the night - as well as bullets, explosions and cracks of random shocking powers that cannot be neatly tied into any specific category of noises. Superpowers for you.

    Totallyevil: "Father, it's no good! That thing is just too strong!"

    Dr Evil: "There's always more Goofy Troopers! Send the next wave!"

    Totallyevil knows better than to argue with her father when he's playing war games. She steps back out of the Disney bunker, which is lit up with glowing "magical" signs of happiness and joy, to meet with High Imp. High Imp was once a feared villain of the NeS and a rival to even the most powerful NeS Hero...

    Totallyevil: "You are truly useless, you know that?"

    High Imp:
    "You could hurt a guy's feelings talking like that."

    Totallyevil: "Like I'd care about any guy's feelings?"

    High Imp: "I always thought you were totallygay."

    Totallyevil: "And you'll be totallydead if you carry on."

    High Imp: "I think we're all going to wind up dead if this war continues."

    A fat ghost floats over to them eating KFC.

    Totallyevil: "Where did you get that?"

    Stalin's Clone's Ghost:
    "Hey, even in times of war KFC is happy to serve!"

    Totallyevil: "We need a new strategy..."

    Stalin's Clone's Ghost: "You know, I did say that at the very beginning but would anyone - and by anyone I mean Highempress - listen to me? No."

    He chomps on his chicken in anger.

    High Imp: "Here she comes again..."

    Totallyevil: "Get down!!"

    The three of them dive to the ground as a small dot in the sky draws closer. Nyktelios, Potential of Iriana Emp, swoops over the area throwing random blasts of power at anything that moves and a lot of things that weren't moving. Totallyevil is certain she was laughing as she did so. When the moment was over, Totallyevil raises her head.

    Totallyevil: "You know, she really makes me reflect upon my own actions..."

    High Imp: "Oh?"

    Totallyevil: "I'm really not evil enough. I should have been much more crazy."

    The supervillains of the world have united under the world leader, Highempress, to kill Nyktelio who seems to be one of the few threats to the power of the Highempress. Perhaps the supervillains are now secretly good guys, saving the world from Nyktelios... or maybe they'll attempting to destroy the one thing that could end the evil of Highempress...

    Elsewhere on the same battlefield is Bhac Ssylan, King John and Qhobeg #1.

    Qhobeg #1: "I really think we should consider spending some money on real equipment, my King! And soldiers. Soldiers would be good right now!"

    King John: "And just give them my money?"

    Qhobeg #1: "Well, it's not giving them money. It's paying them..."

    King John: "I'm the King of England--"

    Qhobeg #1: "Former."

    King John: "--People should want to serve me!"

    Bhac Ssylan: "If you can't offer them money, perhaps you could offer them something else?"

    King John:
    "Like what?"

    Bhac Ssylan: "What do you have?"

    King John taps his chin, almost in time with the explosions going off across the field. On his head he wears a helmet made of gold and slung across his shoulder is a rifle... also made of gold.

    In an unusually inspired moment for King John he runs off and dives into his chest of golden objects - or at least the one chest he has brought around with him everywhere. The rest of his gold had been taken to Stalin's Clone's Ghost's Volcano's Lair -- I mean Volcano Lair.

    From his chest he pulls the most beautiful golden cup ever seen, with blue jewels that seem to bend the light around them and glow with a mysterious and magical effervescence. He holds it up to his Prime Minister and Bhac, the Left Hand of the NeS.

    King John: "Everyone who serves me shall be granted one sip from the holy grail!!"

    Bhac and Qhobeg stare at King John in shock.

    Bhac Ssylan: "And be granted immortality? I didn't know you had this!"

    King John pours water into it with a cunning smile. Instantly Qhobeg suddenly snatches the grail and gulps down all of the water. He removes the grail and grins wildly.

    King John: "Dolt. It's really the holy grail! But, as you proved, any idiot will believe it is! Thus they'll all be willing to serve me and run out onto the battlefield because they think they're immortal!"

    Qhobeg #1, who was burnt to a crisp by Highempress and still bares the scars now, begins to weep with disappointment.

    Bhac Ssylan: "I'm impressed, your majesty. Your cunning and evilness knows no bounds. You'll have an army in no time!"

    King John: "Huzzah!"


    In the l33t Venedite walks slowly across the chessboard. There may not be any pieces present right now, but she feels them moving. Secretly, the hidden pieces that both she and Bhac were playing.

    Venedite, Potential of Maeve, arrived in the NeS in full-swing, using Highempress to help her take her place as Right Hand of the NeS after she killed Mayaal.


    Mayaal: "The games you all play will only result in corrupting the core of the Never-ending Story, Venedite."

    Venedite: "Isn't playing games exactly what you and Bhac have been doing all this time, Mayaal?"

    She references the chessboard.

    Mayaal: "Why haven't you told Bhac that you know I'm alive?"

    Venedite: "Bhac somehow kept you alive, but a prisoner. Look at you, chained up like that. I'm going to let things pan out for now, I'm curious about what trick he thinks he can play. And, to be honest, I don't think he has any intention of releasing you, Mayaal... whether I'm here or not."

    Mayaal sighes and hangs his head.

    Venedite: "So you think so too. Interesting. Well, whatever way this game goes, I'm sure it's going to be a riot."


    In the U.S.A. a random citizen decides he'd like to protest the laws regarding freedom rights on the internet. He turns on his laptop... and then decides he'd rather sit on Youtube and watch cat videos.

    Thrawn42689 is satisfied. Working for Arkng Thand, Thrawn42689 had successfully placed the majority of Americans under his direct influence. And by influence we mean control. Able to manipulate people through social media such as Facebook and Youtube, Thrawn can direct people as commanded...


    And across the gulf of space-time we see another dimension, a universe not unlike our own. As we watch, something approaches. Something all consuming. Something that has consumed and ravaged entire universes in its wake, ever-expanding, ever-increasing, ever-perplexing, the ever-ending plot.
    Last edited by TheBritt; 06-29-2014 at 11:58 AM.

  3. #1763
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Al Ciao looks at the scattered tea leaves miserably.

    Al: Iriana will never forgive me.

    Emperor Pi takes a sip of his tea - yes, he managed to recover one from somewhere.

    Emperor Pi: I shouldn't fret, if I were you. I think she cares more that YOU did it, rather than the tea itself.

    Al: I suppose you're right. But... I've disappointed her so many times...

    At that moment, Arbiter smashes up through the wreckage of the gondola - giving Long Xiang a spot of indigestion, given that his smash connects with the dragon's gut - and looks around, glowing with the power of his fury.

    Arbiter: Where is she?

    Al: Um, Gwen? I think she flew off.

    Arbiter's gaze zeroes in on Al's robotic body.


    Al: What? No--aaaaaggghhhh!

    Al is screaming like a little girl and cowering, his arms thrown up in an attempt to protect himself, but nothing is happening. After a moment, nothing continues to happen. Cautiously, Al blinks open a single eye, and sees that Emperor Pi has snagged Arbiter's ear betwixt the fingers of his free hand.

    Emperor Pi: He's on your side, good fellow. But I believe Gwenhyfar went that way.

    He gestures in the opposite direction of her flight path. Arbiter, without further ado, zooms up into the sky, creating a brief sonic boom that bowls Al over, although Emperor Pi continues to nonchalantly sip his tea, only his robes buffeted. Maybe and Otter rush up.

    Maybe: Quick! Surround him! Don't be fooled by his mild-mannered appearance, he's the Jade Emperor of China!

    Otter: No! He's on our side.

    Maybe: What?

    Otter: Yeah, he's Rachel's father.

    Maybe: Who the hell is Rachel?

    Al: Oh, you haven't met her yet. Geb's girlfriend.

    Maybe blinks, nonplussed. Al belatedly remembers that Geb once had a thing for Maybechild, and gulps. But Maybe lets its pass.

    Maybe: Fine. But I've got my eye on you.

    Emperor Pi merely raises his eyebrow, and takes another sip of tea. Al still stares disconsolately at the scattered tea leaves.

    Al: If only Oppo the Mental still lived. That man had a nose for tea leaves like a bloodhound.

    Otter: What? Not that crazy toe-eating guy?

    Al: Yeah, he used to gnaw the archer's toes all day, it was-- Wait, how do you know him?

    Otter: His ghost was gnawing on my toes!

    Al: His ghost is still around? Excellent! I just need to bring him here! Onward, fellow soldiers, to the palace!


    In the 8th dimension, Polly stares curiously through the fractured portal. Eleven different versions of her daughter - and a single version of a son - look back at her and wave.

    Polly: Fascinating, if revolting. Geb, must you hobknob with inferior techs on your team?

    Geb is huffing and puffing, having dragged the stasis chamber to the crash site, where they found Polly and Lady Lightside caught up her to speed, and now back to the portal, Polly insisting on seeing the sight for herself.

    Lady Lightside: Actually, I believe MZZT is incredibly capable. My husband was reminiscing about some of the amazing things he's done. Did you know he used to have a secret base in Antarctica?

    Polly: Well, in any case, you are right, I can indeed contact Ms. Nymph & Co. Have them on speed dial in fact. One of their older witches used to be part of my hero team.

    Geb brightens. He loves hearing about the good ol' days. The stories his mother used to tell about her adventuring days always inspired him as he grew up, hence his desire to be a hero and help others.

    Geb: You mean Andromedea?

    Polly: That's right, Gebby dear. One moment, let me Mommy talk now.

    She opens her cell phone and dials.


    Al: So wait, you CAN'T leave?

    Oppo the Mental, whilst gnawing on Al's metal toes, manages an affirmative nod.

    Al: Well, that wouldn't be a problem if someone hadn't torn the chicken legs off this palace!

    He looks accusingly at Otter and Maybe.

    Otter: Not us, man, it was that Gwen chick.

    Al: Fine. Well, I know someone who can exorcise him and retether him to some object so I can take him out to the crash site and collect all the tea! Go go Gadget cell phone!

    An antenna sprouts behind his ear and rises up over his head, and he speaks into a mic implanted into his throat.

    Al: Hello, Lou?

    Phone: Joe's Pizza, can I take your order?

    Al: Crap. Still haven't gotten the hang of cyberdialing a number with my onboard Mac OS.

    He tries again, and successfully dials...
    Last edited by Al Ciao; 06-29-2014 at 08:02 PM.

  4. #1764
    Virgin Fleet Admiral

    Britt the Legend: Chapter Nine

    Master Thand, having listened to Thrawn's latest report, returns to his volume.

    Britt curled up on his side against the back of a stone pillar. He wasn't crying anymore. His tear ducts ached so much, he didn't think he had any left to cry. The occasional dry heave could be heard from him, and Cathia Imperator gave him a glance whenever he did so, before resuming her watch.

    He didn't know where she had brought them, only that it seemed something of a defensible position, with what looked to be manmade stone pillars around them.

    Cathia Imperator: Hush!

    Britt actually hadn't made any noise that time, but Cathia was listening intently. Then she espied a faint glow in the darkness... approaching.

    Cathia Imperator: Britticus! Hide, and arm yourself!

    Britt manages to stumble into a crouching position, with Imperator crouched next to him, hiding behind the pillar. The glow approaches, and resolves into a lantern, seeming to float in the night, though it was obvious someone was bearing it.

    Lantern Bearer: Friends, I sense the heavy burden on your hearts. My fellows offer shelter, and succour, and counsel.

    Cathia Imperator had stiffened as they had been addressed. How did the man know they were here? She nocked her bow.

    Cathia Imperator: Tell your 'fellows' to show themselves.

    Lantern Bearer: There are too many of them, and too small a space here. Come. I will guide you.

    Cathia Imperator gritted her teeth, but Britt forestalled any reply she might have.

    Britt: Thank you for your help, we welcome it.

    He tugged Cathia Imperator to her feet, who glared at him, but acquiesced. The Lantern Bearer held his lantern up to his face, revealing a hooded man with bright eyes twinkling over a bushy-beared face that fell past his chin but not quite to his chest.

    Lantern Bearer: Hail, Britticus, ancestor of heroes. Hail, Cathia Imperator, ancestor of kings. I am Taliesin, teacher of sages.

    Britt: Wait, how do you know who we are?

    Cathia Imperator: Great work, idiot. If he does work for the Commander, you've just confirmed our identities for him.

    Taliesin makes no comment but smiles comfortingly, and turns around, guiding them slowy on through the night. After a moment, Britt and Cathia Imperator follow. Taliesin seems perfectly at ease, wending through the stone pillars, despite Cathia Imperator's bow being nocked straight at his back the whole while.

    They come to a particular stone pillar, and Taliesin lets go of the lantern - which rests comfortably on empty air! - to prod a section of the pillar that looks like any other. A glowing sigil appears at his touch, and then an arc of sigils appears on the pillar, forming an illustration in glowing runes of an archway upon the stone.

    Taliesin: The door is opened.

    Britt: That's not a door, it's just in the shape of one--

    He cuts off when the stone within the 'archway' of sigils vanishes, revealing a passageway much larger and longer than the stone pillar in which it is seemingly contained.

    Cathia Imperator: You first, friend.

    Taliesins nods amiably, and ambles through the portal. Britt and Cathia Imperator hesitantly follow. The archway shimmers closed behind them into solid rock once more, and the three descend through a hidden tunnel into the earth. After several minutes of walking, the tunnel opens up into an utterly massive cavern.

    Britt: It's... a city!

    Indeed it is a city, a large underground metropolis. Bright lanterns hang suspended in the air at varying heights all the way from street level to the cavern roof. Buildings carved from the rock form squat homes and simple towers. The smell of baking permeates the air, and Britt suddenly realizes how hungry he is.

    Cathia Imperator: What is this place?

    Taliesin: My friends, welcome... to Doughnutdelf, home of the Druids.

  5. #1765
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Al Ciao the Writer's grumbling can be heard throughout the Massassi Writers office. At last he grunts in frustration and yells across the cubicles.

    Al Ciao the Writer: I've got it!

    Britt the Writer: The next awesome NeS post?

    Geb the Writer: Donuts?
    Al Ciao the Writer: The reason Liberius stopped writing!

    Britt the Writer: He's an even lazier sod than we are?

    Geb the Writer: Donuts?

    Al Ciao the Writer: Because he was posting from a frickin' cell phone! I'm trying it with an iPad, and I can't do it.

    Britt the Writer: That bites, man.

    There is a pause.

    Geb the Writer: does this mean there aren't any donuts?

  6. #1766
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    MZZT: Hold up. Incoming radar contact.

    Tracer: Wow, this place has radar? Much better than my lot, even if you do have a shattered clock face. It's made of stained glass in my universe.

    Losien: Who is it, MZZT?

    MZZT: Not a clue, but radar profile shows some kind of... winged horse.

    Losien stiffens.

    MZZT: You know him?

    Evil G: Dude, how could you not know, with all your cameras and stuff?

    MZZT: Dude, how could you forget that I just said that electricity has been down due to King John's greediness?

    Losien: It's Gwenhyfar, my Potential. I'll draw her away from here.

    She turns to dash down the steps, but a hand on her shoulder forestalls her.

    Amal: No, Losien. I know you want to protect us, but we're with you on this.

    Subaru: And like you said, we have to divide and conquer.

    Just then Gwen's pegasus cataphract--


    Al Ciao the Writer:
    Seriously, that is just so cool. I thought I was the only one who ever thought up a pegasus cataphract.

    Britt the Writer: Next... DRAGON CATAPHRACTS!

    Al Ciao the Writer:


    --emerges into view, hovering before the shattered clock face.

    Gwenhyfar: Now ALL of you miscreants die!

    She snaps her fingers. A powerful stroke of lightning crackles from a clear sky onto the pinnacle of Big Ben. However, the very tip top of the clock tower is the ruins of Cris B.'s Chikin Chateau, which was designed to be invulnerable. While it clearly turned out not to be invulnerable, it's still made of tough stuff, including electrical insulation. Thus, our heroes experience only a bit of mild static shock.

    Gwen looks at her hand irritably.

    Gwen: What the hell is wrong with my superpower today? I mean, seriously?

    Losien: Come down here and fight like a woman!

    Gwenhyfar barks a laugh.

    Gwenhyfar: I'm not stupid. Down there you will all gang up on here. Up here I have the advantage. And don't even think of offering a one-on-one duel, I know how story conventions work even better than you do!

    Tracer - the alternate-universe-mishmash Tracer - has taken off his deer hat and has been idly twirling it around on his fingers. Now he flings out his arm, and the hat flies through the air with pinpoint accuracy - to cover the armored pegasus' head. The pegasus may have wings, and may be a well trained war steed, and may be outfitted with the coolest armor this side of Bucephalus' grave, but it's still a horse, and as such panics once it becomes blind.

    The steed thrashes madly in mid-air as Gwen frantically tries to rein him in, but the deer hat remains lodged. Gwen is thrown from her perch against an interior wall of Big Ben, and falls down to the floor, turning her fall into a roll and somersaulting onto her feet, weapon drawn.

    She looks around at her opposition.

    Gwen: About that one-on-one duel...

    Losien: Too late now.

    The grand melee begins!

  7. #1767
    Gwenhyfar lowers her stance, glaive in her hands, as her opponents rush to surround her. As Losien's Potential and embodiment of heart, she prepares to show them that luck, and the ability to improvise with keen insight, were on her side.

    Evil G and Amal leap at her from either side, their swords ripping through the air at her. Evil G swings wild and from above, while Amal swings up from a well-practiced medieval fool's stance. The former, unpredictable and fast, the latter calculating and strong. Her glaive guides Evil G's dark blade where it wants to go, and it wants to go to Amal. Gwenhyfar dances past Evil G as he now becomes Amal's problem, only to pick up Subaru as her new dance partner.

    Subaru's axe flies for her face, and it flies fast. Unlike Evil G, though, Subaru's attacks are with purpose, and frighteningly lethal in close combat. While having fought alongside Subaru's Potential, Orochi, many times, Gwenhyfar notices Subaru nearly matches Orochi in close combat skill, and also notices Subaru does not match Orochi's confidence in her eyes. A show of force and fear, and Gwenhyfar gains the much needed distance from Subaru, knocking her away and to the ground. Intuition kicks in, and Gwenhyfar swings her glaive wide behind her--

    --knocking Agent Tracer's gun out of his hand. She lets the momentum of her glaive swing around her once more, about to slice Tracer in half when it is deflected by The Mega_ZZTer with a makeshift buckler shield covered in Nokia 3310 phones. He immediately cuts the glaive in half with his high-tech laser sword, leaving everyone momentarily shocked.

    MZZT: "I am the MAZZTer! Woo--OOF!"

    The other half of Gwenhyfar's glaive bounces off The Mega-ZZTer's head, knocking him unconscious from the sheer force of the throw. Gwenhyfar feels something tap her head. She spins around, expecting a new opponent, and only sees Rachel standing idle while eating from a bag of popcorn, reminiscent of her days as a random audience member. She throws another kernel at her face.

    Rachel: "More entertainment, please."

    Gwenhyfar turns back around, just in time to dodge a dagger thrown at her face by Subaru. As Subaru, Evil G, Amal, and Tracer scramble to her once more, Gwenhyfar continues fighting in a fashion that words fail to convey, as words often do for epic fight scenes. You'll just have to take my word for it that the fight is worth the admission price to see it on the big screen at a movie theater. In 3-D. With high frame rate. And overpriced popcorn.

    During this time, Losien and Iriana watch from the side opposite of Rachel. Iriana, while having a multiversal-dominating Potential of her own, has yet to find the nerve to get herself involved in a fight that, quite honestly, she had no business getting herself involved in to begin with. Losien, on the other hand, finds herself choking from close proximity to her own Potential, her mere presence flooding Losien's mind with the possibilities she has yet to live up to thus far. Her soul, still only loosely bound to her, conveys her internal struggle as it appears to be gasping for air.

    Gwenhyfar notices the two of them in the midst of her fight, in no small part thanks to the story convention of the recent change in dramatic focus, and improvises a new plan of attack to escape her losing battle. She cartwheels from the other attackers, picking up the bladed part of her broken glaive, and lands by Iriana's side, where Gwenhyfar then holds the blade up to Iriana's neck.

    Gwenhyfar: "STOP OR SHE DIES!"

    Everyone stops in their place, their weapons still in their hands, watching the Potential like hawks.

    Rachel: "This is getting good."

    Subaru: "You wouldn't dare!"

    Gwenhyfar: "Yes, I would. See, this is me daring right here."

    Amal: "If you're truly the better hero you Potentials claim to be, and half the person Losien is, you won't kill her."

    Gwenhyfar: "Is that so? What do you think, Losien?"

    Staring at her Potential with knowing eyes, Losien does an admirable job masking her pain.

    Losien: "What do you want?"

    Gwenhyfar: "The one-on-one duel. Just you and me."

    Subaru: "Don't do it, Losien! Nobody can defeat their own Potential, not even your brother could!"

    Losien: "I accept your challenge, just don't hurt her."

    Evil G: "Los, no!"

    Gwenhyfar: "Good girl. Now drop your weapons and give us some space."

    Iriana: "Losien..."

    Losien: "It's OK, Iriana. You'll be OK. I got this."

    Rachel: "Oh yeah, Losien's definitely got this. I'll start making some more popcorn."

    Reluctantly, the others begin to drop their weapons and back away towards Rachel.

    Gwenhyfar: "That's it, just like that. And to add a little insurance..."

    The Potential snatches a remote off a nearby desk and mashes a button. A big-screen monitor flashes to life, and Die Hard begins playing.

    Gwenhyfar: "Uh, wrong button."

    She presses another, and a force field shimmers to life around the space that Losien and Gwenhyfar now stand. She presses another, and a smaller force field traps Iriana in place.

    Gwenhyfar: "That should do the job long enough to settle this once and for all, and neither of our friends will be getting in the way this time..."

    The others run to grab MZZT off the ground and attempt to bring him back to consciousness again, hoping that he'll be able to bring the field down in time.

    Rachel: "I got my money on the Gwen-girl."

    Evil G: "Don't talk about my sister like that!"

    Rachel: "Not really your sister."

    Evil G: "And that's not really money!"

    Rachel: "Take the fun out of everything, why don't you?"

    She tosses the Monopoly money aside as Losien and her Potential face off. Tune in next time for the climactic clash between the pretty protagonist and her potential, right here on the Never-ending Story Thread Squared!

  8. #1768
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend: Chapter Ten

    Britt the Legend: Chapter Ten

    At Stonghenge, Septimus, Dave and Britt's band (now rather limited in number) of merry (not so merry anymore) men (kind of mixed gender roles actually) returned from collecting firewood.

    Dave: "Where did those two bugger off to?"

    Septimus: "Well, you know, Britt and that Imperator have always had a bit of a thing going on?"

    Dave: "You said that about him and Nyneve a moment ago."

    Septimus: "What can I say? Britt's greatest weakness is his love for the fairer sex."

    Dave: "Or maybe that's your weakness and you're living vicariously through your friend?"

    Dave leant over and kissed Septimus. Beard and all.

    Septimus stared into the middle distance, having managed to lose himself suddenly somewhere in the depths of his own mind.


    Britt and Cathia Imperator gaze around at the mysterious underground world of Doughnutdelf. The smells of baked goods caused Britt's stomach to rumble and growl like a snoring lion.

    Taliesin: "Seems you're hungry, why don't you try some of our famous wares?"

    Without asking for it, one of the pastry wizards of doughnutdelf handed Britt a baguette which Britt ate gleefully. He holds his hands out, Oliver-style, pleading for more. The next pastry wizard handed him a large croissant which he also ate with glee and continued to hold his hands out. Taliesin raised a surprised eyebrow as Britt then ate several jam tarts, pies, quiches, cream puffs, biscuits, cookies, waffles, eclairs and scones. Finally a master pastry wizard approached with the greatest of all wares in Doughnutdelf - the doughnut itself.

    Britt jammed the doughnut into his mouth.

    Taliesin: "Good?"

    Britt spat it out and wiped his mouth with a deep cringe.

    Britt: "That was terrible!!"

    All of the pastry wizards in Doughnutdelf, even to the highest points above, all stared at Britt and gasped with shock and horror.

    Britt: "Uh... something I said?"

    Taliesin: "My my. Truly you are not blessed in the art of doughnuts..."

    Britt: "And that's a bad thing?"

    Taliesin: "Just surprising."

    Cathia Imperator: "Why did you bring us here, Taliesin?"

    Taliesin: "You were sitting out in the cold."

    Cathia Imperator: "..."

    Taliesin: "Why does everything always have to happen for a reason in this Story?"

    Britt: "Story?"

    Taliesin: "You'll work that one out for yourself one day, Britticus. For now, follow me."

    Britt and Cathia Imperator do as told and follow Taliesin through the streets of Doughnutdelf, up spiralling stairwells and through huts that Britt was sure were made of the same pastry he'd just stuffed in his face. As they reached one of the higher tiers he was able to look out and down at the underground city, seeing the underground river that even ran through it. The water was distinctly brown coloured.

    "I can see why you guys like it here. Except for the poop-filled water."

    Voice: "My boy, that is the most sacred nectar of the entire NeSiverse..."

    Britt: "Oh?"

    Britt looked up to see a man wearing very foreign and unusual clothes that Britt recognised from markets in Rome. Made of fine silk and bright colours, the man wearing them was distinctly Asian.

    Jade Emperor: "That is tea."


    Dave: "Septimus?"

    Dave: "..."

    Dave: "Septimus!"

    Septimus snapped out of his safe-place.


    Dave: "Why don't you come and lie with me?"

    Septimus shuffled nervously over to his wife and lay down beside her.

    Dave: "Shall we make love tonight?"

    Septimus instantly fell back into his safe-place as a reflex mechanism.


    Jade Emperor: "I have come far to meet with you, Britticus."

    Britt: "You have? How'd you know I'd be here?"

    Jade Emperor: "I can sense the tea within you."

    Britt: "I didn't drink any..."

    Jade Emperor: "It is still there. Within your veins."

    Britt: "Pretty sure I bleed blood like everyone else..."

    Jade Emperor: "Those are your blood veins. I mean your tea veins."

    Britt: "You're saying I have extra veins?"

    Jade Emperor: "That's right."

    Britt: "That have tea in them?"

    Jade Emperor: "Correct."

    Britt: "Are you guys smoking opium down here?"

    Jade Emperor: "The only high I get is from tea."

    Britt: "Pretty sure you can put drugs in tea. Who are you anyway?"

    Jade Emperor: "Officially I am the Jade Emperor of China. When I was a mere human I was known as Emperor Pi."

    Britt: "So now you're not even human? What are you then?"

    Jade Emperor: "Potential."

    Britt: "That... didn't help to explain anything at all."

    Jade Emperor: "Then perhaps you are asking the wrong questions?"

    Britt: "Don't give me that mystic Chinese wankery."

    Jade Emperor: "Speak to the tea within."

    Britt: "I think it's time to go now, Cathia."

    Britt turned around to see Cathia Imperator sipping tea and eating doughnuts at a small, dainty table with Taliesin. For a moment she looked just like her great-descendent Iriana Emp.

    Britt: "Whoever that is."

    Jade Emperor:
    "Whoever who is?"

    Britt: "Uh... no idea, just heard a voice in my head."

    Jade Emperor: "Probably shouldn't admit that too freely."

    Britt rubbed his tired face.

    Britt: "Okay, okay. I've made a fool of myself plenty as of late. Might as well try this too."

    Jade Emperor nodded with satisfaction.

    Britt cleared his throat.

    Britt: "Oh tea! Tell me... stuff! Come to me tea!"

    Everyone stared at him like he was a crazy person.

    Jade Emperor: "I didn't mean speak to the tea out loud. I meant within in..."

    "Could have said that."

    Jade Emperor: "I rather thought it self-evident. Only crazy people talk aloud to themselves."

    After Britt facepalmed, he focused his mind on himself and his supposed inner tea. As he's focusing and thinking about it he does begin to sense something. Something wonderful in taste and texture.

    He realised a piece of biscuit was still lodged in his teeth and he quickly cleaned it out with a flick of his tongue.

    He tried to focus again. This time a strange sensation enveloped him and he felt a remote connection to something. Something large and wet. He tried to manipulate it with his mind but only with minor success. He suddenly tried to mentally yank the object but was suddenly awoken by cries of shock around him.

    He saw Jade Emperor's satisfaction on his old wizened face as he stared down at the tea river that had just soaked many of the buildings around it. Fortunately it was cold tea, not hot.


    Dave: "Why don't you show me your trick?"

    Septimus sighed. He couldn't keep away in his safe haven as long as his bearded wife kept dragging him back to reality. His trick, however, was much more preferable than the alternative "trick" she wanted.

    Septimus pulled out a pencil and began to draw in the air. As he drew, golden lines appeared in the air. When he finished he had drawn a flower. The golden lines exploded in a dazzle of light and the flower, now made real, fell into Septimus' open hand. He gave the flower to Dave, who squealed and giggled.

    Dave: "You never told me where you got this power, dear husband."

    Septimus: "My mother."

    Dave: "Did she teach you?"

    Septimus: "She's the goddess Minerva, god of arts and crafts or something like that."

    Dave: "That sounds... unbelievable."

    Septimus: "I know. Britt still doesn't believe me and I haven't had the courage to prove him wrong yet. I was the pride of my family for such a long time."

    Dave: "What happened to them?"

    Septimus: "They were... killed. Doesn't matter now. That was a long time ago. But my family name lives on in me. Septimus Prime."


    Britt was helping to mop up the riverside after his blunder and yet he felt elated. He had the power to control tea! Tasseomancy was his innate, secret power that he had always had and never known. Admittedly it was weird, but it was still a special power! The Jade Emperor confirmed that only a handful of people would have such a power with each generation and he was one of the lucky few. Even Jade Emperor himself could only wield the power of drink through drinking it, he could not control nor manipulate this precious substance.

    Cathia Imperator: "Are you done?"

    Britt: "Just about."

    Cathia Imperator: "Well, I discovered a love for drinking tea. I'm going to start a whole tea plantation when I conquer Armenia! I'll make a whole brand of tea that'll be known for generations to come! Mark my words, Britt! Tea will be the weapon with which I conquer the world!"

    Britt: "All you need now is an evil cackle."

    Voice: "Heroes!"

    Cathia Imperator and Britt continue to talk.

    Voice: "Heroes!!"

    Still no response.

    "You two!!"

    "Oh, he really is talking to us."

    Cathia Imperator:
    "Heroes? Seriously?"

    Britt: "And what's with the weird strangers today? I think I've had my fill."

    Voice: "I am unimportant. I'm just a random member of the Cult of X."

    Britt: "Cult of X?"

    Voice: "That's right. You must come and meet our leader."

    Britt: "Sounds ominous."

    Voice: "Oh, it is! But it's fun! C'mon!"

    Britt: "...okay!"

    Cathia Imperator: "Your stupidity knows no bounds."

    "I know it's pretty dodgy, but he said it'll be fun! Besides, if you think it's such a bad idea, why're you coming?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Someone has to watch your stupid arse."

    Britt: "You want to watch my arse!?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Consider me unamused."

    Britt: "I wonder if I could manipulate that tea you've been drinking..."

    Cathia Imperator: "You wouldn't live long to regret it."

    Voice: "We're here."

    They had arrived at a large shrine near the centre of Doughnutdelf. Standing outside the door to the building were shady cult-like folks with big hoods.

    Cathia Imperator: "You have your secret cult headquarters in the middle of Doughnutdelf?"

    Voice: "Who said it was a secret? Here in a cavern full of wizards and pastry, cults are a very common thing. Just next door are the technowitches, and across the street is the Cult of O."

    Cathia Imperator: "Cult of O?"

    Voice: "His name's unpronounceable, so we just say O. Anyway, you should go inside."

    Britt shrugged and went inside, followed by his friend Cathia. Inside was dark with just a few magical flames to illuminate the path to a large white, curved seat in the centre of an otherwise darkened room. Around the seat were people bowing and praying, while in the seat is a hooded woman with long blonde hair that fell down to her knees when she stood up.

    Slowly she approached the two "heroes".

    Britt: "Hi there I'm Britt and this is Cathia."

    Cathia Imperator: "Imperator."

    The mysterious woman threw back her hood to reveal a very sweet face and big, curious eyes. She grinned like a Cheshire Cat and moved in on Cathia Imperator first, kissing the taller woman first on her left cheek and then on the right.

    Woman: "It's so nice to finally meet you, Imperator! I have to say, you're rockin' that leather outfit! I bet the boys love staring at your bottom in those tight, tight pants!"

    Cathia Imperator, for the first time in her entire life, blushed with a mixture of embarrassment and utter confusion.

    Woman: "Britt!!"

    She moved in to kiss Britt, first on his left cheek and then onto the right, missing his cheek slightly--

    Woman: "Oops! Caught your lips a bit there! Wow, that was an exciting clash! How clumsy of me!"

    Cathia Imperator: "Yeah right..."

    Woman: "Hey, I'm in one of those boring virgin-for-life gigs. I take what I can get!"

    Cathia Imperator: "Who are you and how do you know us?"

    Britt: "You know, I think lots of people seem to know who we are..."

    Woman: "Well, that would be Plot! We're all Characters in a grand Plot that's a build-up to a much greater Plot to come!"

    Britt and Cathia blink several times before they turn to leave.

    Woman: "Whoa, whoa! Come on, now!"

    She skirted around them to bar their exit.

    Woman: "I'm Aetas X, seer of the Cult of X. We we're the guardians of X."

    Cathia Imperator: "What's X and what does it have to do with us?"

    Aetas X grinned her Cheshire Cat grin.
    Arkng Thand: "Cult of X... that's a group I haven't heard from in a long time..."

  9. #1769
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow The Cult of X

    Under the Sahara Desert, beneath the huge obelisk, The Last True Evil and Antestarr the NeSferatu stalk the dark passages in search for Morthrandur and Chance.

    The Last True Evil: "You have always been, how you say, anti-hero, tovarish. How is you feeling about this?"

    "How do I feel about being an anti-hero? I don't. I just do what I must."

    The Last True Evil:
    "Ah, but are you enjoying it?"

    Antestarr has to consider this. He was never really upset with his lot in life, until becoming a NeSferatu. He hated being such a monster, a creature that needed to feed on the life energy of others. Being an anti-hero, on the other hand, had its ebbs and flows. He remembers how everyone looked at him when he tried to kill Rachel Pi, but even then he knew he was doing the right thing. And that was how he soothed his conscience. He was doing the right thing while others were to weak to accept it.

    "It made me strong. That's all I can say on that."

    The Last True Evil: "And that is what is the driving for you? Strength?"

    Antestarr: "I want... I wanted to be free. Free from our Writers' whims. But so much has happened that... I feel I've lost sight of that. Soriel, you remember him? He, and some new characters, were the closest any of us has ever come to the Writers. He went there. He saw where they reside. He could have-- terminated them for good."

    The Last True Evil: "If Writers are no longer goal... what is?"

    Antestarr: "Right now. Chance. That's all. I take on what's immediately ahead of me for now. I can't deal with my usual long-term plans right now. I don't know... maybe it's because now I'm going to live forever... long-term is... long term..."

    They begin to descend down some stone steps.

    Antestarr: "Why so many questions, TLTE?"

    The Last True Evil: "I am just experiencing... complications in my living. Is no big deal, tovarish."

    Antestarr: "You do know "it's no big deal" always means the opposite, right?"

    The Last True Evil: "I thinking that... Losien... she is... my flower... she is my... goodness. But I is losing her, I feel. She is slipping from me."

    Antestarr looks sidelong at TLTE with open hostility.

    Antestarr: "You feel that you are slipping, TLTE?"

    TLTE doesn't answer. They walk in silence, holding their flame torches to illuminate their path. The air is getting thicker and heavier as they descender deeper and deeper into their earth. Antestarr knew he would be okay, being dead, but wondered how long TLTE could keep going. Antestarr wouldn't stop for him. He has to find Chance, TLTE is a secondary priority.

    Suddenly there is a draft that threatened to extinguish their torches, but that draft brought with it fresh-tasting air. TLTE hurries forward and bursts out into an open, cavernous room.

    Antestarr: "Did you ever watch the first Lord of the Rings movie, TLTE?"

    The Last True Evil: "I am not liking movies."

    Antestarr: "How about books?"

    The Last True Evil: "Not liking books either."

    Antestarr: "Well, take it from me then, looks like we've just stepped into Moria."

    Rob X: "You stepped into trouble."

    Antestarr: "R-Rob?"

    Rob X: "I'll say this once, Antestarr. Leave."

    Antestarr: "I'm just looking for a baby boy. I need to--"

    Rob X: "There goes your chance."

    Rob X attacks slashing his sickles at Antestarr, but the NeSferatu is much too fast - even for someone as skilled as Rob X. Each swipe Rob X makes meets with thin air and with each swipe, Antestarr is losing patience. TLTE suddenly thumps Rob X across his face, much to the younger man's surprise.

    Rob X: "Both of you won't make it out of this place alive."

    TLTE: "If little man is thinking I make easier target than pretty-vampire-man... little man should think again."

    Rob X: "I'm thinking it doesn't matter what kind of target you are. You still won't be leaving here alive."

    Cygnus X: "Rob!"

    From the air above TLTE appears another man in a vibrant array of teleporting colours. His fist is coated in a strange force-field shaped to match the curvature of his fist. As it connects with TLTE's face small sparks fly into TLTE's rough, white skin to add insult to injury. The proud Russian shakes his head.

    The Last True Evil: "You are liking the sneaky fighting, tovarish? I am able to be playing the dirty too."

    TLTE pulls out his pistol and fires it straight at Cygnus X.

    Antestarr has made it half way down the open-air suspended staircase when he feels something tug at his leg. The world spins as Antestarr topples up and then down the stairs until he slips over the side of the staircase and deftly catches the ledge. He looks up to see a third X-wearing man looming over him.

    Maxim X: "I eat punks like you for breakfast, fool."

    Antestarr: "Funny..."

    Antestarr feels the muscle in his arm tense and he uses his incredible strength to propel himself back into the air. He never dreamed how used to his NeSferatu powers he would possibly become but now he wondered how he ever lived without them. He lands on the stairs behind Maxim X and grabs the man's neck, exposing it for the kill.

    Antestarr: "...I was thinking the same thing."

    But as Antestarr's teeth set for the human's neck, he is suddenly yanked forward and over the man's shoulder as Maxim X uses his own great strength to pull the NeSferatu away from his neck.

    Maxim X: "Things like you disgust me. Can't believe you came all the way down here looking for food."

    Antestarr: "I didn't. But while I'm here."

    Antestarr shrugs and smiles a wicked, fanged, smile. But his smile drops when he sees the mechanical arm of Maxim X suddenly burst from its socket and fly towards his head. The strike clips Antestarr and, once again, he finds himself tumbling down the stairs to the stone floor at the bottom. Next minute, the rocket arm grips Antestarr's leg and begins pulling him back towards Maxim X, up the stairs one thump at a time.

    Antestarr: "I haven't been this undignified for a long time..."

    Antestarr fights with the robot arm, but there is no escaping its mechanical grip without tearing his own leg off. The arm begins to ascend, holding Antestarr up in the air by his leg. No amount of superspeed thrashing could help Antestarr escape.

    Maxim X: "I pity fools like you, bro. You chose the wrong side."

    Maxim X is about to pummel Antestarr's suspended face when a voice bellows up the cavernous Moria-like room.


    Maxim X stares at Antestarr and then tosses the vampire through the air towards the bottom of the stairs. Given so much height in the throw, Antestarr was able to easily land on his feet.

    TLTE stomps down after Antestarr and Maxim X. Cygnus X and Rob X follow him, looking much worse off.

    The Last True Evil: "Is shame! We were just beginning to enjoy ourselves, right boys?"

    The two Xes sigh.

    Woman: "You arrive unannounced at a very important time for my people. You will have to forgive them if they acted rashly."

    She is short and wears a very cult-like robe hood and all. When she finally reveals her face it is incredibly sweet and her hair is incredibly long and blonde. One may have mistaken her for a past incarnation of her very role -- alas, the appearance is part of the job and had to be stated clearly on her resume when applying.

    Woman: "I am Suzy X."

    TLTE and Antestarr stare at each other, then Suzy X.

    The Last True Evil: "We are sorry for the disturbing of your adult movies, we are just passing on the way through."

    Rob X facepalms.

    Suzy X: "Everytime. Happens... every... single... time. I'm not a porn star. In fact I'm a virgin. Got to be for my real job. I'm the Seer for the Cult of X."

    Antestarr: "Why don't I like the sound of that?"

    Suzy X:
    "But you liked the sound of me being a pornstar?"

    Antestarr: "I didn't say that!"

    Suzy X:
    "We will usher in the return of X and you, Antestarr, are here to help us."

    Antestarr: "Actually I'm here looking for a baby."

    Suzy X: "I told you, I'm not in that kind of business!"

    Antestarr: "Uh, no, I meant an actual baby. A boy, he was brought here."

    Suzy X: "I know."

    Antestarr: "Where is he!?"

    Suzy X: "On the sacrificial altar."

    Antestarr: "What!?"

    Suzy X:
    "Sorry, it's the closest thing to a crib we've got down here. We weren't exactly prepared for mysteriously appearing babies."

    Antestarr: "Take me to him!"

    She steps aside and behind her is revealed a door that wasn't there before. As Antestarr rushes down the passage, much faster than anyone could follow, he quickly reaches the sacrificial altar. There lies Chance, bound in his baby blanket. Antestarr sighes with relief and picks up the small child.

    Further behind, the Xes and TLTE walk quickly in the wake of Antestarr.

    TLTE: "How will Antestarr help you, Suzy X?"

    Suzy X: "You know, when I hear you say my name... I can hear why people think I sound like a pornstar..."

    TLTE: "Is unfortunate, but still good name."

    Suzy X: "Thank you. We don't need the child. X must have brought us the baby to lure Antestarr here to us to complete our ceremony."

    TLTE: "Hold on... what is X?"


    Britt the Legend: Chapter Ten.Two[/b]

    Britt: "But seriously, Aetas X. What is X? You're all called "This X" and "That X". What's the point? What's so special?"

    Aetas X puts her hands on Britt's shoulders and stares straight into his eyes.

    Suzy X puts her hands on Antestarr's shoulder and leans around him with a smile to look into his eyes.

    Suzy X: "X is..."


    Aetas X: "X is..."

    She leans in close to Britt.

    Suzy X leans in close to Antestarr. With one hand she caresses the NeSferatu's cold cheek. She pulls he face up to Antestarr's, her lips just a centimetre from his.


    Aetas X: "Plot."

    Suzy X: "Plot."


    Aetas X kisses, passionately and inappropriately, Britt on the mouth with as much enthusiasm as might be expected of a woman told she wasn't allowed to do so. Cathia Imperator glowers at Aetas X with sudden anger. This was just not appropriate.

    The hidden blade jabs itself into Antestarr's chest, just above the baby in his arms. His eyes widen with shock and is unable to resist as Suzy X snatches Chance from Antestarr's arms. Somewhere in his mind he decided that was a good thing... he might have dropped him.

    Antestarr slumps over the sacrificial altar, his blood spilling all over it. He wondered if he should really call it his own blood anymore... so much of it once belonged to other people...


    Cathia Imperator: "Remove your hands, Witch! Craven cur!"

    She throws Aetas X to the ground, much to the shock and anger of the cultists around them. Britt stares wildly with shock at Cathia Imperator.

    Britt: "What the buggery are you doing!?"

    Cathia Imperator: "She's obviously plotting something, Britticus! She's probably going to tear your heart from your chest or something! We need to get out of here!"

    Aetas X: "Britt!!"

    Britt: "No! No! Let go! She's totally into me! Cathia!"

    She slings Britticus over her shoulder and runs out of the cult's den, hacking savagely at any that drew close to her. She ran through Doughnutdelf, fleeing what dangers the Cult of X may have had in store for Britt. Even if they didn't, she wasn't going to stand there and watch that hussy huddle up to Britt out of the blue!

    Suzy X: "Get back, Russian! Or I shall bathe this child in his own blood also!"

    The Last True Evil twitches. He didn't care much for the child, but he knew his comrades did. And Antestarr had just taken the babe's place on that altar.

    The Last True Evil: "This was your plan?"

    Suzy X:
    "This was the Plot. I will give you the child at the entrance to this shrine. You go ahead, you will find the child waiting there. Don't take too long... it could be dangerous to leave a child just lying there all alone for too long..."

    The Last True Evil:
    "How can I trust you!?"

    Suzy X: "If I wanted the baby dead, he would be. I'm not a murderer, Russian."

    The Last True Evil looks at Antestarr still slumped over the altar.

    Suzy X:
    "He's already dead! Now go!"

    The Last True Evil hesitates. He could just kill them all, baby be damned. But he knows, deep within, that would not be the hero's path. The path he wanted to choose.

    He turns and runs.


    Septimus Prime: "Let me try and make a firework! You'll like that!"

    Dave: "A what?"

    Septimus Prime: "No idea, but it sounds cool, right!?"

    He draws a firework... unfortunately because he doesn't actually know what a firework is he draws the fuse much too short... BANG!!

    Dave: "Fire!!"

    Septimus Prime: "Holy crapcakes!"

    Dave's beard was burning and burning! Fire went up her oh-so-hairy face until SPLASH! Septimus threw a bucket of water in her face that he'd just drawn.

    As the water slips down her now naked cheeks Septimus suddenly gets a whole new appraisal of his beloved wife.

    Septimus Prime: "You're GORGEOUS!!"

    Dave: "I thought you already believed that...?"

    Septimus Prime: "Well, I did but... I mean now!! Wow! I mean you're still super tall and... well built... but man, you have the prettiest face!"

    Dave: "Not without my luscious beard!"

    Septimus Prime: "Actually... I think... this is a good look for you!"

    Dave: "R-really?"

    Cathia Imperator: "RUN AWAY!!"

    She bursts out of Doughnutdelf and out onto Stonehenge. She continued to run, even as the rest of the troupe started to run after her.

    Septimus Prime: "What happened!?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Some harlot tried to rape Britt!"

    Septimus Prime:
    "Can I go back then?"

    Dave: "Hey!"

    Septimus Prime: "Just a joke, dear!"

    Cathia Imperator: "Wait, who's she!?"

    Dave: "I'm Dave!!"

    Britt: "Wow... Dave got pretty?"

    The Last True Evil reaches the exit of the obelisk, panting. He reaches the doorway and steps through it, looking around for the child... but finds nothing.

    The Last True Evil: "NO!"

    He turns to head back inside but the huge obelisk is gone - disappeared into the aether. Lying in its wake, however, is Chance. He quickly bundles up the baby in his arms and tries to shield him from the heat in his large coat.

    Stranger: "Hey! Why are you out here in the middle of the desert, man!?"

    TLTE turns to see a man sitting on a camel.

    The Last True Evil:
    "I could ask the same of you!"

    Stranger: "I'm just on my way to the Sahara Lake! I have no idea how you ended up all the way out here. Most of the Sahara is pure, fresh water! You happened to be in the smallest strip of land that's still the old desert. Want me to guide you? It's a ten minute walk from here."

  10. #1770
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    In her office, Mecha Lou is enjoying a nice quiet cup of tea, feet propped up on her desk, when suddenly all her phones and communication devices blare at once!

    Mecha Lou: YAAGGHH!

    She falls backwards off her chair, the tea goes flying, and her feet point to the ceiling in a heap. The phones and other communication devuces keep ringing. The technowitch scrambles to her feet and grabs the nearest one.

    Mecha Lou: 'ello, who is this?

    She pauses, scrunching up her face in concentration as she listens.

    Mecha Lou: Oy! Slow down! I can't bloody 'ear you with all these other blighters ringin' at once! I'll get back to you!

    She puts that call on hold, then picks up another phone.

    Mecha Lou: 'ello?

    Automated Phone Call: Hi, I'm a Nigerian prince, and if you give me $100 I will be able to reclaim my--

    The technowitch slams the phone down on the receiver, and she picks up the next one.

    Mecha Lou: 'ello?

    Joe's Pizza: Joe's Pizza, may I take your order?

    Mecha Lou: The 'ell? You called me!

    She slams that phone down, then stops just short of hanging up.

    Mecha Lou: On second thought, I am a bit peaked. Do you have any pineapple pizza...?


    A giant robot stalks through the ruined streets of London. At least... it appears like a giant robot. In reality, it is a machine driven by a pilot: a redheaded young woman in a cockpit. She adjusts her scanners, runs a dozen different newsfeeds through preselected filters, and adjusts her course, sidestepping some missiles and stomping on a raider tank as she goes past. She hasn't the time for them.

    A great barrier is before her: an entire great building lying on its side. The redhead frowns. This doesn't appear on any maps. Newsfeed filters reveal that this was formerly an ambulatory palace, having emigrated to Great Britain illegally across the Channel.

    Her targeting arrays perk up with a
    Plickity-bum, and the redhead realizes that her quarry is right there in the building before her. Steering with her consoles and joysticks, she maneuvers the giant robotic machine to climb up the walls of the ruined palace...


    Mecha Lou: ... with EXTRA pineapple. Big tip if you do!

    The technowitch hangs up and grabs the next phone.

    Mecha Lou: 'ello?

    Al Ciao: Mecha Lou! How's it going? Listen--

    Mecha Lou: NO REFUNDS!

    Al Ciao: --I need your- what?

    Mecha Lou: No refunds, no returns, no exchanges.

    Al Ciao: Not even a warranty-- Never mind. I'm happy with this body. More or less. Had to go to a futuristic gene clinic to rectify the one deficiency but that's all good now. I was just wondering if you can come out and exorcise a ghost--

    Mecha Lou: I'm not a run of the mill ghostbuster. I can give you Bill Murray's number though.

    Al Ciao: This isn't a run of the mill exorcism. I don't want to get rid of the ghost, I just want to tether him to a mobile object.

    Mecha Lou: Ah, I gotcher! Actually, you have that capability inbuilt on your frame.

    Al Ciao: I do?

    Mecha Lou: Yeah, some of the gears in your cybernetic body are aftermarket parts from a necromancer's body shop. There's a command phrase, though--

    Al Ciao: Don't tell me it's "Go Go Gadget Ghost Retether" or some such tripe.

    Mecha Lou blinks.

    Mecha Lou: Oh, I see you've read the operator manual! You're good to go then!

    Al Ciao: Wait, you mean that IS the command phr--

    Mecha Lou: Gotta go now, lots o' love!

    She hangs up on a sputtering Al Ciao, and picks up the final ringing phone.

    Polly: Finally! Andromedea, I was about to give you a piece of my mind if you let me ring another second--

    Mecha Lou: Listen, gel, this ain't Andrommy's office any more. She done moved to the Guam office. Something about an early retirement while still earning a paycheck.

    Polly: What? Who is this then?

    Mecha Lou: Mecha Lou, technomancer class 1, degree 1, of the Ms. Nymph & Co.

    Polly: Good enough for me. I'm afraid I'm in a bit of a predicament, stuck in the 8th dimension with only a fractured portal between my compatriots and home...

    Lady Lightside: Tell her to hurry up, Polly! That devil woman just threatened Al's daughter!

    As Polly explains the situation to Mecha Lou, the very first phone call, that the technowitch put on hold, waits disconsolately to award Mecha Lou a hundred million euros as the latest big winner of the national lottery. After a long while however, the caller gives up, and a second number is selected to win the prize instead...


    Al Ciao: Okay, Oppo, you ready?

    The ghost nods fervently, and bites his lip, looking longingly at Al's metal toes.

    Al: Okay, here goes nothing. I'm just glad no one else is around to hear me say this... GO GO GADGET GHOST RETETHER!

    There are a lot of flashy lights and plinking sounds, and when the noise and light clear... Oppo the Mental toe-eating ghost still stands before Al, seemingly unchanged.

    Al: Oh, for the love of-- Stay here, Oppo. I'm gonna go call Mecha Lou again, but I couldn't get a good signal inside the palace.

    He stomps back out - well, really, he's just walking, but unless he makes an effort to be quiet, those metal feet are going to tread a bit loudly - to the London streets, where Emperor Pi is soothing his dragon's spirits with tea.

    Emperor Pi: Oh, I see you've succeeded!

    Al: Huh? No, I have to call Mecha--

    Emperor Pi: I say!

    Al cuts off as he sees the ghostly Oppo gnawing on the Jade Emperor's velvet brocade slippered-toes. The Chinese emperor doesn't appear put off however, and just raises an eyebrow as if to shrug before sipping his tea once more.

    Al: Oppo? How did you get out of the palace?

    Oppo: Mnnmmngnngnngghhhnngffndkkkknnghghh.

    Al sighs.

    Al: Take your mouth off Emperor Pi's toes, Oppo, and say that again.

    The toe-craving ghost reluctantly obeys with a pout.

    Oppo: I dunno, yer majesty, but when you walked out, I was pulled along.

    Emperor Pi: Oh, you mean, you didn't realize you'd retethered him to yourself, dear boy?

    Al: WHAT? You mean I'm STUCK with him forEVER?!

    Emperor Pi: Well, Soriel and Losien also had talking companions, and seemed to deal with them fine. Besides, now you can find your tea, can't you?

    Al sulks, but brightens at Pi's last sentence.

    Al: Oppo! Sniff out and gather all the Armenian tea leaves!

    Oppo: Aw, do I hafta? It's not like I can taste tea anymore, ya know?

    Al: Yes! You have to! And if you do a good job, I'll even find some nice toes for you to gnaw on.


    The eccentric ghosts gets on his ethereal hands and knees and approaches his assigned task enthusiastically, as Al sighs and runs a hand through the neon orange spikes of his hair.

    Al: I guess I'll get used to him eventually...

    At that moment, a large shadow looms over him. Surprised, Al turns around just in time to see a giant mech leap from the top of the Armenian palace to land with a street-shattering boom on the pavement in front of him. Tea leaves and scraps of asphalt scatter, and Al brings up his hand to shield his face. The gyros in his legs automatically keep him upright - mostly; his torso from the waist up is blown backwards, but by god his legs are firmly in place!

    A very familiar redheaded woman looks down at him from the RAIJ-class mech's cockpit.

    Mia: Hello, Al. You're looking pretty good for a dead guy.

    Al: ...Mia?

    Last time Al saw Mia, she had been his girlfriend and pregnant with his baby - only to turn on him and kill him in a hail of bullets, declaring that she'd only wanted to bear the offspring of his former alter-ego Highemperor. Al had gotten better since then, but despite finding his nearly grown daughter Iriana and new love and impending fatherhood again with Lady Lightside, he had wondered what became of the feisty redheaded mech pilot who was bearing another one of his children.

    Mia: You've been busy since I saw you last, lover. I hear you've gotten yourself a new squeeze too.

    Her eyes flash fire at the last bit.

    Al: You broke up with ME, Mia! Hell, you KILLED me! I think you've relinquished whatever claim you've had on me.

    Mia's eyes flash again, and the mech's arm comes up, a giant laser cannon charging on its wrist. In reponse, Al unfolds a rocket launcher out of his back, which props itself on his shoulder to aim back at Mia.

    Mia: "Go go Gadget rocket launcher"? Are you for real?

    Al: Hey, I didn't pick out the command words.

    Emperor Pi: Ahem.

    Mia and Al's heads turn sharply to look at the delicately coughing Emperor Pi.

    Emperor Pi: Perhaps, dear children, a cup of tea would help?

    Next to him, Oppo helpfully proffers the pile of Armenian tea leaves that he has gathered up in his ethereal arms. Wearily, Al nods. He picks up a basket out of the wreckage of the Chinese gondola, so Oppo can dump the tea leaves in it. Then Oppo the Mental gleefully latches on to the mech's toes and starts chewing intangibly.

    Mia: What? You're not gonna fight me?

    Al: Frankly, Mia, I don't give a damn. I'm angry at you, and hurt, but I've got my daughter and wife to think about. This tea is for them.

    There is a very pregnant pause. Then, with a hiss of releasing air, the cockpit of the mech pops open.

    Mia: What about our daughter?

    Al turns to look at her, and sucks in his breath. Mia is holding a baby girl in her arms.

    Al: Go go Gadget boots!

    For once, Al doesn't look the slightest bit abashed at the command phrase he has to utter, as the springboots in his feet catapult him up in the air towards Mia, only to slam him into the mech's head above her.

    Al: Owie...

    His body slides down the metal to land in the open cockpit, where he quickly recovers to look in awe at the baby girl in Mia's arms. She's a little redheaded baby, face covered in freckles, with eyes a hazel mishmash of green (from Mia), brown (from Al), and blue (from the former Highempness that once resided within him).

    Mia: Lucy, meet your daddy.

    Lucy coos and babbles happily. Al is entranced.

    Al: But... I thought you were going to keep me from ever seeing her. That she was "Highemp" 's daughter.

    His voice drips disdain, but he cannot tear his gaze away from the fruit of his loins.

    Mia: Yeah, about that. It seems that Highemp is AWOL. Talked to emigration officials, they said he's completely left the universe. So then I tried to put your name on the birth certificate, but Hero Force One of all people nixed that. Apparently your name can't be used without official documentation. What have you gotten mixed up in?

    Al: Uh, well, Citizen Rex is a clone of me.

    Mia: The hell?

    Al: Yeah, it's complicated. I'm still not actually sure how it happened...

    Mia: Whatever. Lucy needs a father. Shared custody?

    Al studies Mia for several moments. Then he nods.

    Al: Our daughter needs both her parents. Even if we try to kill each other on occasion.

    Mia: Good. Sign here.

    She proffers the birth certificate. Lucille Harriet Jabberwocky-Brown Ciao. After a brief 'Go Go Gadget Ink Pen' incident which involves Al spraying black ink all over his face, Al signs his name on the paternity line.

    Mia: Thanks! Now, about child support back payments...


  11. #1771
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Side Questing!

    Al Ciao: "GO GO GADGET CASH!!"

    Nothing happens.

    Al Ciao: "Uh... go go gadget credit card?"

    Again nothing happens.

    Al Ciao:
    "Um... you know, Mia... we don't really get paid for being NeS Heroes... so..."

    Mia's pretty face darkens and Al Ciao is reminded of his former lover's cruel side. She suddenly boots him out of the mech, catching her daughter. Al Ciao plummets and lands on his back with a groan. Mia leans out of her mech and calls down to him.

    Mia: "Cough up the cash, chump! Until then you ain't allowed anywhere near this child, got it!?"

    Al Ciao: "Cruel... world..."

    The Otter stands over Al Ciao.

    The Otter: "Mate... should we beat her up? I mean, I don't like to hit girls but I don't like seeing my pal get his arse whupped either..."

    Al Ciao: "N-no... I just need... money..."

    The Otter: "Ain't this your palace? Did you have a treasury or summat?"

    Al Ciao's eyes roll around to display dollar signs.

    The Otter: "What the buggery!?"

    Al Ciao: "Sorry, I guess I have robo-eyes too. With dollar signs on them... That witch was a bit cuckoo..."

    Al Ciao hops to his feet.

    Al Ciao: "We have a new Al Ciao side-quest!! Raid my treasury!!!"

    The Otter: "How many Al Ciao side-quests have there been now? You didn't even finish the last one, your tea quest."

    Al Ciao: "Live in the here and now, li'l buddy! It's time for treasure-hunting!! Let's go Remembered People!"

    The Remembered Forces all exchange glances until they eventually shrug and follow Al Ciao into the Armenian Palace, along with Emperor Pi at the rear.

    Oppo the Mental: "MASTER!!!"

    Al Ciao: "Holy crapcakes!!"

    Oppo the Mental: "Let me help! I can sniff out your treasures!"

    Still outside, Mia looks at the Long Xiang.

    Mia: "So... you're a dragon, huh?"

    Long Xiang grunts.

    Mia: "Any good at babysitting?"

  12. #1772
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend: Chapter Eleven

    Britt the Legend: Chapter 11

    Britt lay upon his bunk aboard the ship Zeus had granted to Septimus Prime. The world seemed strange. Only yesterday he felt he'd been a slave under Locretia Simonius --

    "Literally under..."

    -- Uh, quite. Then he'd been voyaging to find his long-lost friend Nyneve only to watch her die at the hands of the man they both once cherished more than any father figure.

    "Way to kill the mood..."

    Only to then find his way into the mysterious company of strangers - Taliesin, Jade Emperor and Aetas X - in an underground world of doughnuts and learns he has tea powers. And tea veins.


    And what was Cathia Imperator's issue? Britt twirled it through his mind, thinking it would be impossible to have any kind of relationship with Imperator. He hadn't even considered her capable of attachment, let alone desire. He was sure her unusual conduct was a heat of the moment thing, after all they'd been through a lot together as of late and he knew he was awfully charming and charismatic...

    The woman Britt really wanted right now was Aetas X. He grinned to himself as she popped up into his mind.

    Britt: "Why hello there, beautiful lady!"

    Aetas X:
    "Ah, it's working!"

    Britt grabbed her and held her in his arms.

    Britt: "You mean my devilish charm and youthful complexion?"

    Aetas X titters and rolled her eyes.

    Aetas X:
    "I meant the mental connection I just made using mysterious magics of Doughnutdelf!"

    Britt was suddenly like a deer in headlights.


    Aetas X: "But please feel free to ravish me!!"

    Britt: "ACK!"

    Britt releases her and leaps back.

    Britt: "I'm sorry! I-I didn't realise it was the real you!"

    Aetas X: "Well now I'm a little disappointed. Alas, I did come here with important information so I suppose fun and frolics will have to wait."

    Britt: "Fr-frolicks...!?"

    Aetas X: "By frolicks I mean sex."

    She pulled a naughty face that Britt suddenly found a little creepy.

    Britt: "I guessed that! I thought you were in a virgin-for-life gig!?"

    Aetas X: "It's only for life if I want to keep doing the gig, right!? I can quit and run away with my fancy man anytime I like! But I've got to quit..."

    Britt: "Shame you really like your job, isn't it? Heh heh..."

    Aetas X: "I hate it."

    Britt: "Oh..."

    Aetas X:
    "That woman-friend of yours is a problem though..."

    Aetas X' face grew dark and contemptuous.

    "Yeah, can't say I was overly impressed myself. She'll be fine. She just needs to start conquering then she'll forget all about me, I'm sure."

    Aetas X: "She'd better...

    Britt: "Uh..."

    Aetas X: "So! Welcome to the secret levels of the Ever-lasting Plot, Britticus!"

    Britt: "... what?"

    Aetas X: "The world we live is the Story Realm, and the name of that story is... the Ever-lasting Plot."

    Britt: "... what?"

    Aetas X: "Tsk, come Britt! Did you think you were narrating your own life all this time? That's the Narrator!"

    Hello, Britt!

    Britt: "..."

    Don't try to ignore me, boy! I'll make the ocean suddenly swallow you whole and you get eaten by a gigantic turtle.

    Britt: "That's a bit weird."

    That's nothing! I could have you eaten by a--

    Aetas X: "Another time, Narrator!"

    Britt: "So... let's assume I sort of believe that we're in a story... or whatever... why are you telling me this?"

    Aetas X: "Because right now, you are the Main Character!"

    Britt: "I am? Why?"

    Aetas X opened her mouth to speak, thought about it, then closed her mouth as she considered.

    Aetas X: "Luck? No idea! You just fit the bill, apparently! Anyway--"

    She fiddles with her hair and straightens out her robes.

    Aetas X: "--I've always dreamt about marrying a Main Character and wouldn't you know, one just pops up in my life!"

    Britt: "Marry!?"

    Aetas X: "Every Main Character needs a love interest, Britticus! I'm as pretty as they come and madly in love with you--!"

    Britt: "You are!?"

    Aetas X: "And as the Seer of X, I'm pretty damn smart. And I'm funny! I've got it all! Right!?"

    Britt: "Right..."

    Aetas X: "YES!"

    Britt: "Whoa!? Calm down, okay? So, this X thing is Plot, correct?"

    Aetas X: "Correct."

    Britt: "And this is the Ever-lasting Plot story. So you're a Seer for the plot of the... plot?"

    Aetas X: "Well, yes. Specifically we're the guardians of Plot. We protect it, encourage it to grow and flourish into something grandiose and convoluted!"

    Britt: "That doesn't sound good..."

    Aetas X: "And it is, of course, ever lasting."

    Britt: "Yeah right. Nothing is ever-lasting."

    Aetas X gasps!

    Aetas X: "SACRILEGE!! BLASPHEMER!! You bad man! How dare you!? You make me feel dirty just looking at you! And I like it..."


    Aetas X: "So, now you know the truth. Will you come back and claim your bride, Britticus?"

    Britt: "Erm... I mean... marriage? So quick?"

    Aetas X: "I'm perfect for you, Britticus! I'm everything a Main Character should want!"

    Britt: "Well, thing is... you know... I like to really get to know someone before I think about... marriage..."

    Aetas X' face grew dark.

    Aetas X: "Are you saying no to marrying me?"

    Britt: "Not as such, n-- whoa!!"

    Aetas X was suddenly standing right in front of him, her pretty face drawn into a dark and menacing scowl.

    Aetas X: "I have possession of your mind, Britticus. I can do anything to it I choose. I can bring you twisted nightmares, horrors you can't yet conceive of! I could crush you into dust!!"

    Suddenly she brightened once again into her usual cutesy self.

    Aetas X: "Or I could give you wild, passionate and super risqué dreams of me and you! Which would you prefer?"

    Britt: "Well, if I'm going to be honest I certainly like the sound of the risqué dreams - but really, Aetas, I'm not re--"

    Aetas X: "Hush! There's... something else in here..."

    Britt: "In my mind?"

    Aetas X: "Indeed..."

    The two of them stare around at the darkness of Britt's mind. Britt couldn't sense anything at all and he had to wonder if Aetas X was simply trying to lure him into a false sense of dependency.

    Aetas X: "I am not trying to lure you into a false sense of dependency!"

    Britt: "How--!?"

    Aetas X: "Narrator."

    Britt: "Good gods! Is that going to happen all of the time!? This Story Realm is a right bugger!"

    Aetas X grabbed Britt's hand and drew in close as she suddenly stared into the darkness intently.

    Aetas X: "Here-- it's coming!"

    Britt prepared himself.

    Britt: "I see him... The Negotiator."

    Arkng Thand: "Hmmm..."

    The wisest man in all of the NeS rubs his chin in thought.

    Arkng Thand: "I do not know this Negotiator..."

    The Negotiator: "It is time to sleep, Britt."

    Aetas X: "You came here to what? Tell him a bedtime story? Tuck him in?"

    The Negotiator: "Something like that. He's going to need to sleep for a long time to recover from all of the trauma he's been though."

    Britt: "I do?"

    The Negotiator: "Your condition, Britticus, requires recharge time. You are only human, after all. Just like the average person needs to sleep to recharge, you need to recharge so that you can live forever..."

    Britt: "And if I don't want to?"

    Aetas X: "That's right! He wants to marry me instead!"

    Britt: "Uh..."

    The Negotiator: "Like you have a choice."





    The Sleeper Awoke.

    He found himself in a huge room with long drapes hanging from the ceiling displaying a crest he didn't recognise. As he tried to rise he clunked his head on the glass casket around him. He rubbed his forehead and gave the casket a light shove. It moved.

    He pushed it off as gently as he could, trying not to break it.

    Britt: "Whoops!"

    The glass fell to the floor and shattered, sending pieces of glass across the stone floor and reverberating loud smashing sounds throughout the room as it bounced pillar to pillar. In response two men ran into the room, from their appearance Britt thought they looked like custodians. They stared at Britt with wild eyes before they ran away.

    Britt: "Huh... never had that affect on people before..."

    He threw his legs off of his altar-like bed and stretched them. They felt incredibly stiff, like he'd been lying on that slab for days. He rubbed his neck and then hopped to the cold floor. His bare feet hit the stone, prompting him to notice he was wearing what looked like a tablecloth. He supposed several days of sleep would have most people thinking he was sick. He admired the room, wondering if he'd been brought back to Doughnutdelf.

    Trumpets sounded, blaring off of the walls and deafening Britt's weakened ears. After cursing his luck he looked up to see a woman approach him.

    Britt: "Hello! Who're you?"

    Woman: "Seriously? It's me!"

    Britt looked at her.

    Britt: "Cathia...?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Of course!"

    Britt: "You got OLD!!"

    Cathia Imperator: "Don't make me smack you! I'm only forty-five!!"

    Britt suddenly needed to sit on his altar again.

    Britt: "I... I've been asleep for... so many years..."

    Cathia Imperator: "I started to think you were never going to wake up in my lifetime, to be honest. It's good that you did though. It's nice to hear your voice."

    Britt: "Huh... only yesterday I heard your voice as you dragged me out of Doughnutdelf."

    Cathia Imperator: "Those were good times. You know back then I'd thought about making you my husband after we'd conquered the world? Really glad I didn't now. I might have had the hots for you, but by the gods you're a pain in the arse."

    Britt: "Gee, thanks. You weren't the only one."

    Cathia Imperator: "Obviously you mean your old friend Aetas X. She actually tried to bargain for custody of your body while you were sleeping!"

    Britt: "She did!? Why!?"

    Cathia Imperator gave Britt a long stare and Britt's mind grew worried.

    Cathia Imperator: "You... can't imagine."

    Britt: "Actually... I think I can."

    Cathia Imperator: "She was kind of mental."

    Britt: "What happened to her?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Pretty sure she stayed on as Seer of X, or whatever that lot were, down in Doughnutdelf. I suppose she retired from that and did whatever."

    "Now I feel bad for her..."

    Cathia Imperator: "Yeah, denied that woman her destiny! You should be ashamed!"

    She laughed and slapped Britt's arm, which made him cringe.

    Cathia Imperator: "It's her own fault for allowing herself to be bound by Fate!"

    Britt: "Where's Septimus?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Why don't I let this guy answer that?"

    A young man walked into the room wearing a red robe accented with white and, underneath the robe, white trousers. Off of his shoulder was a small white cape.

    Cathia Imperator: "This is Secundus Prime."

    Britt: "Secundus? You look younger than Septimus."

    Secundus Prime: "I am! He's my father!"

    Britt: "S-Septimus had children!?"

    Cathia Imperator: "With Dave. They live happily together in a peaceful fishing village."

    Britt stared at Secundus, able to see some of the boy's father in him.

    Secundus Prime: "I'm his oldest son. There's actually five of us."

    Britt: "Wow... five kids... wait, why are you called Secundus?"

    Secundus Prime: "Because my father is number one in my family! At least that's what my mother says."

    Britt: "Mother..."

    Secundus Prime: "What?"

    Britt: "Nothing! What about you, Cathia? Have you been popping sprogs?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Of course!"

    Britt: "Uh... really? Hard to imagine..."

    Cathia Imperator: "For your information I have eighteen children."


    Cathia Imperator: "And I look great, considering, huh!? I work out."

    Britt eyed her usual tight leather pants.

    Britt: "Very."

    Cathia Imperator: "Hey, watch it! I'm a married woman, you know?"

    Britt: "And yet you still wear those trousers..."

    Cathia Imperator: "It-It's my thing! Besides, my husbands like it!"

    Cathia Imperator began to walk towards large open doors that Britt realised led to a long balcony. He followed her.

    "I'm sure they do... wait, you have more than one husband!?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Five of them."


    Cathia Imperator: "And a harem of a hundred or so men."


    Secundus Prime: "Which explains why eighteen children."

    Britt: "How--why--?"

    Cathia Imperator: "I'm Queen now, Britticus!"

    She flung open the doors and they stepped out to gaze across the lands of Armenia under the sway of Queen Cathia Imperator. The castle upon which he stood looked down upon a large city of Middle-Eastern buildings with flat roofs and potted plants everywhere.

    Cathia Imperator: "I decided to follow our dream and begin conquering the world. Unfortunately I only got so far as taking Armenia and the neighbouring lands..."

    Britt: "Why did you stop?"

    She patted her stomach.

    Britt: "Right... I suppose that would slow you did a bit, right?"

    Cathia Imperator: "Hey, I still had to put down a couple of uprisings when I was pregnant! The worst was when I was craving soy sauce mixed with bran flakes on the middle of a battlefield. Worst day ever."

    Britt: "I can hardly believe all of this... I'm sorry I missed it..."

    Cathia Imperator: "Actually you were still of great use to me! I used the symbol of The Sleeper to attract people. Even in sleep you're incredibly charismatic. I don't know how that works, but you are. People came from far and wide to see you sleeping eternally. Lots of women even paid you kiss you, thinking you'd wake up and make them Princesses. I earnt a fortune, I can tell you."

    Britt stared at Cathia Imperator.

    Cathia Imperator: "I'll pay you, don't worry! Eventually I had you put in this shrine room to honour you."

    Britt: "This is so much to take in..."

    Cathia Imperator: "You'll get used to it. I did."

    Britt: "I have a dreadful feeling I'm being pulled towards something, Cathia."

    Cathia Imperator: "I stick two fingers up to Fate, Britticus."

    Britt: "This is more than Fate... this is... Plot."
    Last edited by TheBritt; 07-05-2014 at 11:31 AM.

  13. #1773
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Saharan Lake

    Somewhere beneath the desert sands of the Sahara - along the single tiny strip that's left of it anyway - the remnants of the Cult of X are discussing their next course of action.

    Rob X: "I feel bad we killed Antestarr..."

    Suzy X: "Like I keep saying, he was already dead. Can't kill something that's dead."

    Rob X: "Doesn't help me feel better about it."

    Suzy X: "It's all for the Greater Good!"

    Cygnus & Maxim X: "The Greater Good!"

    Rob X: "Please, don't steal Hot Fuzz jokes.

    Suzy X: "X is coming, Rob, and we are its sworn guardians."

    Rob X: "I feel Plot is already upon us, Suzy. What's coming is a twisted version of what we once protected. When I was appointed Protector of the Plotfractal--"

    Suzy X: "I remember, I appointed you. That's my job. I see who the Plot requires as its Protectors. You can't preach to me, Rob, I have wrestled with these doubts for many years. Last time we were not prepared, we knew little. This time, we know what is coming. We understand what Plot intends. The Protectors are being selected. I know them all but they must find themselves. I won't just tell them, like I did with you."

    Rob X: "Last time I stood against the Ever-ending Plot. I cannot willingly further its goals this time."

    Suzy X: "The Ever-lasting Plot lives on through the Ever-ending Plot, Rob. We know that now and that is who the Cult serves. Grow up and stop being such a wet nelly."

    Antestarr's body lies flat on the altar where the Cult of X had lain him. He is still alive, barely, and watches them talking through hazy eyes. The last thing Antestarr ever expected was to be sacrificed in the name of the EeP.

    Suzy X: "Turn on the comms. I need to talk to him."

    Maxim X: "Maybe we should give it more time, Suzy X?"

    Suzy X: "Now."

    Maxim X turns on the communications console, an antiquated 80s' affair, and a voice comes through.

    Suzy X: "Doctor X. This is Suzy X, Seer of the Cult of X."

    Doctor X: "I thought I told you plebs never to call me here!"

    Suzy X: "I know you've turned your back on the ways of X, Doctor X, but you're the most knowledgeable on the occult practices of ancient times. I attempted a sacrifice--"

    Doctor X: "Who?"

    Suzy X: "Antestarr."

    Doctor X: "Quite a big target, well done. What do you want?"

    Suzy X: "Nothing happened."

    Doctor X: "What did you expect? Explosions? Monsoons?"

    Suzy X: "Well... yes!"

    Doctor X: "Okay, okay. Antestarr is a pretty big fish but... truth be told, I think you're going to need bigger."

    Suzy X: "A more corrupted soul than Antestarr? He's a fallen hero, murdering people and wrestling with his very nature. You don't get more corrupted than that."

    Doctor X: "There is one..."

    Suzy X: "I thought he turned good?"

    Doctor X: "Trying to be good and being good are two different things. He wrestles with the conflict within him every second. He battles his own nature and core desires to try and be good. The goodness within him is truly corrupted. A Hero of his calibre, history and inner turmoil would probably serve an even better sacrifice to Plot than Antestarr. Now, if that's all, I've got hedrons to study."

    Suzy X: "A what now?"

    Doctor X: "Never you mind, nosy parker!"

    As Antestarr's eyes finally close he hears mumbles shouts from Suzy X. He rolls his head from the right to the left, and forces himself to open his eyelids again and stare at the darkened room around him. He wanted to hold out. Help would come for him, he knew it. TLTE would find the NeS Heroes and they would rescue him. They would save their old friend.

    And then he'd eat them.

    Voice: "That wouldn't be very nice, would it?"

    Antestarr: "No, it wouldn't."

    Voice: "Why did you turn down this road, Antestarr? Do you even know?"

    Antestarr: "It's what I am. It's what... I've become."

    Voice: "Or maybe it's an excuse? You've done a lot of terrible things in the past, Antestarr. Maybe this is a way of punishing yourself?"

    Antestarr refuses to answer.

    He feels hands upon his cold skin, turning his head upwards to gaze into the eyes of a dead man.

    Britt: "Hullo, Antestarr."


    The Last True Evil finishes tying the baby to his chest in robes, helped by some of the local women who had set up homes at the edge of the huge lake. Small boats were constantly out on the lake, fishing for mutant fishes and traders were a common sight as they trek through the area. TLTE looks down at Chance, who looks back up at him with a kind of mutual understanding.

    "Baby is not going to poop, da?"

    Chance: "..."

    TLTE: "If baby poop, baby is drowned. Are we understanding this?"


    TLTE: "Good."

    Maxim X: "Stop!"

    TLTE turns to see Maxim, Cygnus and Rob X rushing at him. Normally TLTE would relish the opportunity to take on three such strong opponents, but now he has a baby strapped to his chest. Such a massive weakness would make him less effective in combat. Plus, he had no time to dally with fools.

    He drops a shotgun from his coat sleeve and fire a single, powerful blast straight at the three of them. They all dive to one side to avoid being hit, giving TLTE a chance to run. He pushes people aside as he flees along the side of the Saharan Lake.

  14. #1774
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Lakeside Town

    TLTE runs through the small town that has built up along the lakeside. He ducks underneath washing lines, jumps over crates and barges people out of the way. He glances back to see the red "X" of Rob X, the blue "X" of Cygnus X and the yellow "X" of Maxim X still hunting him down. Occasionally he had to leap to avoid the rocket-powered fist of Maxim X as it would lash out across a street. Sometimes sickles from Rob X would fly his way, or a well-aimed "X Power" from Cygnus X would fire in his direction.

    However he is too fast on his feet for the X's.

    TLTE jumps to the right, straight through an open hole-window and into someone's house. The woman, who was cooking, shrieks as the burly Russian man storms through her house to the front door.

    As he glances back he sees Maxim X jump through the window after him. However now that the woman is better prepared for the unexpected she begins to hurl things at the second intruder - slowing him down.

    When TLTE re-emerges, he finds Cygnus X and Rob X on his tail still. They hurtle around the corner of the house he'd been in and Cygnus X raises an X-shaped barrier in front of TLTE. The Last True Evil turns straight down an alley - with a wooden fence at the end. He aims his shotgun again and fires straight into the wood, shattering it instantly in a blaze of splinters.

    He leaps through the new gap and suddenly falls. Down and down until his back crashes into the water's surface.

    "Who is putting this lake here?"

    He begins to swim, trying to keep baby Chance out of the water but still tethered by his harness. When he finally reaches the embankment, TLTE crawls out of the cool lake water and instantly feels the heat of the sun on his heavy clothes. But even as he's readying to leave, he is suddenly confronted by Rob X.

    Rob X: "Give it up, TLTE."

    TLTE: "Come on, Little Man, you cannot defeat me. Save yourself the troubling."

    Rob X: "I've been told you're absolutely necessary for the future of the NeS. I can't just walk away from this."

    TLTE: "And I was thinking you are one of good guys, tovarish. How mighty fall."

    Rob X: "You question my goodness? The reason you're important is because you are so... ultimately evil."

    TLTE winces. No matter how he tried to be good, people always told him he was not. Pushed him back. Pushed him back towards evil. Did he really have a choice?

    TLTE: "You are one who is killing Antestarr. You are one who wants killing of me. I am the one saving baby's life. Who is evil now?"

    Rob X hangs his head.

    Rob X:
    "I know how this looks but I-- I really do want to protect the NeS..."

    TLTE: "Maybe today is not that day, tovarish?"

    TLTE walks past Rob X who continues to stare at the ground in open conflict. TLTE stops and glances back at the shorter, younger man.

    "Your adult movie star..."

    Rob X: "Suzy X."

    TLTE: "...She does not know everything. Be remembering this, da?"

  15. #1775
    As Losien and her Potential square off, cut off from the other NeS Heroes via a force field around them, everyone else rushes to the unconscious Mega_ZZTer. Everyone except Rachel, that is.

    Rachel: "Like I'd miss out on any of the fight with Losien. Watching her face get punched by her own Potential is too good to pass up!"

    Surrounding The Mega_ZZTer are Amal, Subaru, Tracer, and Evil G.

    Evil G: "So should I kick him awake, then?"

    Tracer: "He's been out for a while. I suspect there'll be permanent brain injury."

    Amal: "Not if I can help it! I'll just wield up the story to--"

    Subaru: "Wait! Doesn't story-wielding normally end up causing some dramatic after-effect that just makes things crazier?"

    Evil G: "Sure does. I remember once summoning a deus ex machina to cheat Death. Now I have this annoyingly complicated backstory involving my Ex-Machina stalking me, asking for favors all the time - and get this - Death refuses to play cards with me these days. Sore loser."

    Tracer: "Is that so?"

    Evil G: "I try to keep it on the down-low. So A-man, you going to throw a plot-hole into his head already?"

    Subaru: "I've got a better idea -- let me handle it."

    Evil G: "Are you going to let her steal your thunder, kid?"

    Amal: "Yes, and I have a feeling she'll do a better job."

    With a huff, Evil G crosses his arms as he watches Subaru kneel down to The Mega_ZZTer. With taxing concentration, a glow surrounds Subaru's hands as she places them on The Mega_ZZTer's head. Tense seconds pass. The glow stops, and she remembers to breathe again. A moment later, The Mega_ZZTer yawns while sitting up, as if he just woke up from a long sleep.

    MZZT: "Man, that was the best sleep I've had in a long time."

    Tracer: "You weren't asleep; you got knocked out by a thrown stick to the head."

    MZZT: "Oh. Right. So did we win?"

    Amal: "Not yet. She's currently turned on a force field around herself and Losien, and a separate one around Iriana. We need your help."

    MZZT: "Well that's easy! I just need to grab the remote."

    Tracer: "She has the remote too."

    MZZT: "Well then we're out of luck."

    Subaru: "But that's your tech! Can't you techno-babble up something else to turn it off?"

    Amal: "Perhaps we can turn off the power to the building?"

    MZZT: "I, uh, sort of failed Techno-Babble 100 back in my college days. Besides, I did a pretty good job of making sure that force field only responded to that remote and absolutely nothing else, including plot-holes and including having it run off a power source independent of the building. How was I supposed to guess someone would try to use it while INSIDE one?"

    Evil G: "I think MZZT would have been better with a plothole in his head."

    Amal: "Is there nothing you can do?"

    MZZT: "I'll see if I can't hotfix something, but it isn't going to be easy outwitting myself."

    Amal: "Give it your all! And in the meantime, Subaru, perhaps you can help Frank with his own condition?"

    Subaru: "What do I look like, a nurse? I'm a fighter!"

    Amal: "And there's no fight for us right now. We could use Frank when the field goes down, though."

    Subaru: "You're getting to be almost as annoyingly right as Soriel was."

    Amal: "Tracer, stand guard by Iriana. The moment the shield goes down, she'll need help. Also, she could probably use someone to talk to right now."

    Tracer: "What do I look like, a shrink? I'm a detective!"

    Amal: "And I'm sure she's got some good mysteries for you to mull over too. Besides, you're the only one I can trust to do the job right."

    Evil G: "Hey!"

    Amal: "And you -- keep an eye on Rachel."

    Evil G: "Already ahead of you..."

    Amal: "I meant make sure she doesn't make things harder than they already are."

    Evil G: "It's already as hard as it gets, if you know what I mean..."

    Amal: "She'd be very happy to see Losien dead, you know that, right?"

    Evil G: "You're a cold shower of cockblocking, you know that?"

    Amal: "I could be a lot worse."

    Evil G: "I know..."

    The two stare at each other momentarily.

    Evil G: "And what are you going to do, Captain A?"

    Amal: "The force field is presumably plot-hole-proof. I'm going to test how true that really is."

    Evil G: "Sure, knock yourself out. Literally, I hope."

    As Evil G parts from Amal as the other two did, Amal brandishes his NeSword, preparing to assault the force-field. Will any of the NeS Heroes take down the force field in time? Stay tuned and find out in the next installment of The Never-ending Story Thread Squared!
    Last edited by Gebohq; 07-13-2014 at 11:23 PM.

  16. #1776
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Screenwipe

    Going about their orders, as given by a seemingly competent-Amal, Subaru Yamamoto vacated the immediate room and entered the next where the commotion next door suddenly silenced out. Frank Smith is lying on a bed, staring up at the ceiling. His face is gaunt, his eyes red raw and a strange aura of despair hangs over him. Subaru, who is often a woman of many - especially vulgar - words, knows not what to say.

    She approaches the older man, who makes no acknowledgement of her presence, and lays her hands upon his chest. Subaru wets her dry, nervous lips and then closes her eyes and focuses.

    The world becomes Frank Smith, she feels his spirit - his being - within her own and all of the angst and loss washes over her. She grits her teeth against it. She knows it isn't her own, but empathy pervades. With a final struggle and a violent, spiritual push she forces all of that emotional trauma to vent out of Frank's body. She fills the void of the Potential's loss with a solid sensation - a stopper in his emotional baggage.

    Frank's sudden outburst causes a small scream from Subaru - something she is instantly embarrassed by, not being one to squeal like a girl. She steps back as Frank swings his legs off of the bed.

    Frank Smith: "I feel... I feel..."

    Subaru Yamamoto: "What?"

    Frank Smith: "Freakin' AWESOME!"

    Subaru Yamamoto: "That's a relief. I was afraid I'd fry your brains or some-ACK!"

    Frank Smith leaps off the bed and sweeps Subaru up in his arms and begins to dance around the room with her, forcing her smaller frame about in twirls.

    Subaru Yamamoto: "Apparently I made you feel too awesome..."

    Frank Smith: "I feel like- like I could take on the world!"

    He stops dancing and 'pumps his manly guns'.

    Subaru Yamamoto: "Oooookay..."

    Frank Smith: "I could take on the entire lot of those Far Future TEA mother-plunkers!"

    Subaru Yamamoto: "Oh right. Lucky you don't have to though, eh?"

    Frank Smith: "In fact... that's what I'm going to do!"

    Subaru Yamamoto:

    Frank Smith: "I'm going to go BACK!"

    Subaru Yamamoto: "Don't say it."

    Frank Smith:

    Subaru Yamamoto: "Such terrible jokes in this Story..."

    Frank Smith: "CynthAI! Plot a course for a time jump!"

    CynthAI: "Where are we going, Agent Smith?"

    Frank Smith: "To the TEA HQ of the Far-Future!"

    CaptAIn: "ACK! WHAT!? CynthAI, delay that order!"

    Frank Smith: "Subaru, you have to come with me!"

    Subaru Yamamoto: "I frickin' do NOT!"

    Frank Smith: "Come on, I need a damsel!"

    Subaru Yamamoto: "I am NOT a damsel!"

    Frank Smith: "And I'm totally gay! Let's go crazy! CynthAI! ACTIVATE!"

    CaptAIn: "He's going to get us all killed!"

    Subaru Yamamoto: "I'm with the crazy captain on this one! No! No don't ta-"

    There's a brilliant flash and a loud bang. Subaru feels like something is dragging her by her nose and that her legs are a long, long, long way away from her torso.

    When she feels whole again she opens her eyes to see a lot of offices around her. Offices and officers.

    Far-Future Time Cop #12: "What the--!? FREEZE!!"

    Frank Smith: "Come on! Let's see what you Far-Future Cops have got on Future Cops!"

    CynthAI: "Actually Agent Smith, you're only a future cop according to Subaru Yamamoto's timeline - by your own, you're just a present day officer."

    Frank Smith: "AHAHAHA!!"

    CynthAI: "Agent Smith?"

    CaptAIn: "He's gone off the deep end, Computer! Abandon ship!"

    Subaru Yamamoto: "Holy crapcakes! Frank you just battered that guy!"

    Frank Smith: "Laying the smack-down! Who's next!?"

    Instantly a horde of time cops flood the corridor and Frank Smith whales into them. Subaru realises this is no time for her axe as the coppers don't seem eager to kill them and so she defends herself with fists and magic. She slams a group of cops headed her way with a powerful wave of magically energy that sends them flying like skittles.

    CynthAI: "Agent Smith, I must urge you to desist. You are breaking the parameters of your profession."

    Frank Smith: "BWAHAHAHA!!! I'm going to spank all of you!!"

    CaptAIn: "He's contracted Space Rabies! Run away!!"

    The Time Cops suddenly leap away from Frank Smith and start running off for fear of catching that nasty little disease.

    CynthAI: "Wise words, CaptAIn. How did you think of such a ploy?"

    CaptAIn: "Well, Computer, I once visited Delta Seventh and--"

    Frank Smith: "Come back, boys! There's plenty to go round!"

    Subaru Yamamoto: "This is going to be hard to explain to everyone later... Frank! Stop! Don't chase them down the corridor! No! Stay away from the Men's!!"


    Tracer: "Hello Iriana."

    Iriana Emp: "Hello Tr-AHH! WHO'RE YOU!?"

    Tracer's appearance had shifted. Rather than the Sherlock-Tracer the Heroes were beginning to get used to, Tracer is now child! The little boy is wearing an overly-large yellow fedora and trench-coat. In his hand is a gun. A water gun.

    Tracer: "Don't worry, Miss Emp! I'll protect you!"

    Iriana Emp: "B-But you're even younger than me!"

    Tracer: "Actully I'm a thousand years old! In my universe I was trapped in suspended animation before I joined the NeS Heroes! So don't worry, you're in super experienced hands!"

    Iriana Emp: "Oh... buggery..."


    Evil G sidles up to Rachel.

    Rachel Pi: "What do you want?"

    Evil G: "C'mon, baby. You know what I want."

    Rachel Pi: "I know what you need! A fat lip after I've smacked it!"

    Evil G: "Aww, c'mon, Rachel. You're not still in love with my alter-dweebified self, are you? The guy's a complete wimp. A hardcore chick like you deserves someone better."

    Rachel Pi: "Young's behind you."

    Evil G: "HUH!? Young I was just--"

    He turns around to find no one there and sighs, having fallen for the oldest gag in the book.

    Evil G: "Ha ha, very fun--ACK!"

    Evil G reels from back smacked in the face by Rachel.

    Evil G:
    "You-you-! I should kick your ass!"

    Rachel Pi: "It's your own fault."

    Evil G:
    "I was just joking. Jesus!"

    Rachel Pi: "You need new jokes. Gebohq's my one and only. He's a pain in my arse, but he's mine. Stop letching."

    Evil G: "There's no need to play hard to get, baby--"

    Rachel Pi: "You want another smack!?"


    MZZT starts tampering with his electronics. He can see, in some ways, an alternate version of himself - his older self - designing his flawless system and now he has to compete with that older self. To prove he's better than himself. He slams a cord into an electrical socket.

    Music blares into the room, startling everyone except the two combatants, and disco lights shine and glow throughout.

    MZZT: "Uh... I installed that just... in case... I had a party... sometime..."

    He starts trying to unplug the party system but it remains active despite all of his best efforts.


    Queen Maeve Windsor: "Couchman! What the bloody Hell is MZZT doing up there!?"

    Out in the courtyard of Buckingham Palace, Queen Maeve Windsor and her advisor, Couchman, look up at the brilliant light show shining out of Elizabeth Tower.

    Queen Maeve Windsor: "I hope he's not advertising for that awful rotating thing ontop of Big Ben! I hope he's getting regular electric bills! I'm not paying for all that crap!"

    Couchman: "Actually Big Ben is part of the government's possessions so... yeah, we've been paying for MZZT's electricity up there."

    Queen Maeve Windsor: "WHAT!?"

    Couchman: "Actually, Big Ben uses up more than fifty percent of the UK's total electricity alone!"

    Queen Maeve Windsor: "And now he throws a party and doesn't even invite me!? Can we nuke it!?"

    Couchman: "Nuke BIG BEN!?"

    Queen Maeve Windsor:
    "Yeah? Can we?"

    Couchman: "No. King John sold all of our nukes."

    Queen Maeve Windsor: "He did? Who to?"

    Couchman: "Erm... North Korea."

    Queen Maeve Windsor:


    Amal, after being distracted by MZZT's light show, focuses his sword on the forcefield but sees that nothing happens. Yet.

  17. #1777
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Losien versus Gwenhwyfar versus Losien

    Fred, teh Uber Blade: "Put some elbow grease into it, darlin'! Yeesh!"

    Losien: "Fred, you're totally distracting me!"

    Fred, teh Uber Blade: "Yeah? Tell that to the back seat driver!!"

    Carlotta, the Cape: "I'm just trying to help! Your thrusts seem a little lack lustre is all!"

    Fred, teh Uber Blade: "There's definitely nothing wrong with my 'thrusts', I can tell you!"

    Losien: "Both of you, SILENCE!!"


    Losien sighs with resignation.

    Gwenhwyfar: "Are you finished talking to yourself?"

    Losien nods solemnly.

    Gwenhwyfar: "Good."

    Without further warning Gwenhwyfar jabs her hand towards Losien and from her open palm streaks fierce lightning arcs that crackle and burst. Losien yelps, stumbles back and tries to dive away from the electrical death trap.

    The streaks still hit.

    But surprisingly Losien remains unharmed.

    Carlotta, the Cape: "I forgot to mention that I'm completely electrical-proofed!"

    Losien: "You're kidding me?"

    "What the buggery?"

    Losien takes advantage of her Potential's momentary perplexion and leaps forth with Fred teh Uber Blade poised. The sword homes in like a bloodhound - but Gwenhwyfar is incredibly fast and sidesteps so that the sword merely grazes her plated armour. With her left hand she grasps Losien's swordarm and with her right she grabs Losien's hair. She yanks her neck back.

    "You should never have been the Main Character, Losien. You're too weak. Just look at you."

    She tosses Losien to the ground like a discarded toy.

    Gwenhwyfar: "All alone, without your friends to save you. I am strength. The Potentials follow me because I am the strongest, the smartest, the best. Half the time you're following that lot, rather than they follow you. You're useless and irrelevant."

    Losien: "You think... that's weakness? Being supported by others? Having friends and people that like you?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "Oh God. Don't give me a friendship speech. Please."

    Losien: "Fine. I won't. I'll just tell you one thing."

    She holds up Fred.

    Losien: "I'm never alone."

    Fred thrusts forward, almost dragging Losien behind him, and jabs at Gwenhwyfar. Though the Potential once again avoids the attack she is, none-the-less, suddenly struck by a sword.

    Gwenhwyfar: "H-h-how!?"

    Gwenhwyfar staggers back and she looks at the second attacker. Losien again... But this one is ethereal. Losien's spirit is moving within the same path, but slightly lags behind - allowing her to make the adjustment to Gwenhwyfar's new position before the real Losien.

    Gwenhwyfar: "This... is really... not fair..."

    Losien: "Says the Potential. And how can my supposed handicap suddenly be an unfair advantage?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "... bite me."

    Losien: "You could beat me, pound me, hurt me... but you can't win against me, Gwenhwyfar. You might be stronger, faster, better... but that's meaningless as the Main Character of this Story! People have to want to be with me. They have to like me!"

    Rachel Pi: "I don't like you!"

    Losien: "Except for Rachel."

    Gwenhwyfar: "Preaching. That's all I hear."

    She lunges at Losien and electricity sparks from her body in every direction, snapping and lashing against the forcefield around them in great arcs of brilliant white-blue lightning.

    MZZT is sitting at his computer.

    On the screen he finally reads;

    Turn off anti-Plot-Hole measures?

    MZZT hits Y.

    Amal's sword suddenly lurches through the forcefield and a loud snap is heard as a plot-hole intantly expands to suck in the force-field. However the unexpectedness of the sudden action caused Amal to place too much force into his drive and will for the plot-hole to emerge, creating a hole far more powerful than he could ever have imagined.

    Amal: "Whaaaat?"

    Okay, it's not THAT bad. But it does start to suck all kinds of random stuff into it from around MZZT's den. Losien feels the plot-hole whipping at her, but it drives back even Gwenhwyfar's lightning.

    As the force-fields all drop under the pressure, Iriana and Tracer are suddenly both clinging to the nearest object as they begin to feel their feet being lifted from the ground.

    Rachel Pi: "AMAL! SHUT IT OFF!!"

    Evil G slams his own sword into the floor of Big Ben's room for support while Rachel grabs onto him. MZZT ties himself to the computer with the mouse cable.

    Gwenhwyfar and Losien are left struggling against the pull of impending doom. Beyond that plot-hole could be the plot-hole wizard... but more likely this was the kind of plot-hole that led to oblivion.

    Gwenhwyfar holds onto a post, holding up the giant Big Ben above her.

    Gwenhwyfar: "How dramatic, Losien! What will happen next, I wonder!? Some cliché where I fall and you try to save me?"

    Losien: "If I tried to save you, Gwenhwyfar, would you let me? Or would you do the cliché redeeming suicide!?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "Good question! Or maybe I'd try to drag you down with me!?"

    The wind being sucked into the hole muffles their voices and their hair whips about their faces violently. Gwenhwyfar takes a single step towards Losien. Losien stares intently at Gwenhwyfar, trying to gauge her intent. She takes a step back.

    And loses her footing.

    With a short-lived cry, Losien is thrown up into the air and she's quickly sucked towards the plot-hole. Her hands desperately scrabble for something, anything. They latch around a girl's leg, a girl also floating in the plot-hole's gravity. Her own spirit.

    Carlotta, the Cape: "How is this even possible!?"

    Losien: "I'm trying not to think about it!"

    Losien tries to look beyond her own spirit and sees that her spirit is being tethered by the strong, armoured hand of Gwenhwyfar herself. The Potential clutches Losien's spirit with her right hand, and tries to keep a hold of the pillar with her left.

    Losien: "Of the expected outcomes, this isn't the one that came to mind!"

    Carlotta, the Cape:
    "Indeed! Maybe there's still a little bit of you inside of her, Losien!"

    Fred, teh Uber Blade: "I'D like a bit of ME inside of her!"

    Losien: "Don't make me accidentally-on-purpose drop you into that Plot-Hole, Fred!"

    Fred, teh Uber Blade: "You want to drop me into your Plot-Hole, eh!? Heh heh heh!"

    Losien: "This... is not the time..."

    Fred, teh Uber Blade: "When you stop having fun, there's no point in carrying on, babe!"

    Losien: "There's always a point to carry on, Fred. Always."

    She feels a jerk as Gwenhwyfar tries to brace herself against the pillar an reel both Losien's in...

  18. #1778
    Meanwhile, in the heart of Burundi, Kyle Katarn Seven attempts to bond with his estranged half-brother, Jim Seven through an impromptu visit.

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "...and then I nailed first place in the final lap!"

    Jim Seven: "I'd have gotten better than first myself."

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "Hah, of course! Perks of being God, eh? Eh?"

    Jim Seven: "If you're looking for favors, forget it."

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "I'm not here for favors! I'm just here to catch up with the coolest half-brother ever!"

    Jim Seven: "Ease up on the cheese, there, man. Hanging around all these angels is starting to make me find this sort of thing endearing."

    Jim and Kyle look at each other, the faintest hints of a familial bond growing... when it's interrupted by the ringing of Kyle's phone.

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "It's from-- MZZT?"

    Jim Seven: "Who?"

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "Wonder what he wants...."

    Kyle answers the phone.

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "Kyle speaking... my help? With what?... So you need to do an emergency bug fix on a plot-hole before it sucks in the other NeS heroes? ... yeah, hold on."

    Kyle looks at Jim, rolling his eyes as he points to his phone. He holds the phone with his head against his shoulder, then flips open an arm-bound computer tablet and starts madly tapping away at it -- the sure sign that someone is hacking. A few moments later, and a final keystroke, his tablet makes a string of dial-up modem noises and "bee-boo-beeps."

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "Alright, I went ahead and connected to your system so I could run a little fix for your problem. No time to test it though, I'm really tied up goodluckonwhateverBYE!"

    A loud "WAIT!" can be heard over Kyle's phone as he hangs up. He turns his attention back to Jim Seven.

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "So where were we?"

    Jim Seven: "Were you talking to NeS Heroes?"

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "Yeah, why?"

    Jim Seven: "Those *******s still owe me a go-kart track!"

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "Can't you just use your God powers to bring them here? Or do it yourself?"

    Jim Seven: "...get out."

    Kyle Katarn Seven: "Okay..."

  19. #1779
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Plot-Hole of Death

    Screenwipe from Kyle Katarn 7 and Jim 7 back to the action. Losien feels her grip on her spirit's ankles beginning to loosen. The sensation becomes worse when she wonders HOW she can have a grip to begin with.

    Losien: "I... can't... hold on...!"

    Gwenhwyfar: "Nothing but a defeatist after all, Losien!"

    Spirit Losien manages to get one arm around the post, sharing it with Gwenhwyfar. The Potential begins to drag the ghost-like Losien the rest of way. Losien feels herself jerking back and forth, torn between Gwenhwyfar's rough motions and the pull of the Plot-Hole. Then the metal gloved hand is in sight. Losien releases Spirit Losien's right leg and swing her hand out to grasp Gwenhwyfar's out-stretched hand -- and misses.

    The momentum takes Losien's last ounce of strength and her left hand slips off too. The Main Character of the NeS is sucked into the all consuming Plot-Hole of death!!!




    Or she would have been if the PLot-Hole hadn't closed at the very last split-second in action slo-mo!

    Losien topples sideways but is suddenly yanked back into reality by gravity, which throws her to the wooden floorboards of MZZT's Big Ben HQ. She peels her face from the floor.

    Losien: "Is... uh... anyone dead?"

  20. #1780
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Bloody Skeleton: I'm dead, but I don't suppose any of you blighters give a rat's red arse about that, do you?

    Iriana shrieks and leaps up in terror at the grisly sight.

    MZZT: Hey! Who are you, and how did you get past my state of the art security systems?

    Bloody Skeleton: I'm the attic tenant of the Haunted House of Heroes -- or I at least I was, before those vampire rotters torched the place. You'd think they would show some respect to the final resting place of a fellow undead, but noooo...

    MZZT: You came through the PORTAL?

    He eyes the fragmented portal dubiously.

    Bloody Skeleton: Yeah, any old bloke can come through, provided they don't mind the searing pain of being fragmented across multiple realities. But I'm just blood and bones, no nerves to speak of. And wouldn't you know, in every last one of those dozen realities, I'm a bloody skeleton. I was hoping at least one of me was good looking. Anyway, glad I came through, as I now have a new place to live! No worries, roomie, I will take the couch!

    MZZT: But... But...

    Bloody Skeleton: Oh yeah, almost forgot... Yo guys! It's cool, we got a new dig now!

    Poltergeists, all former residents of the HHoH, come streaming through the portal...
    Last edited by Al Ciao; 07-18-2014 at 12:47 PM.

  21. #1781
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend: Chapter Twelve

    Britt the Legend - Chapter Twelve

    The crowds of Armenians cheered as the new ruler of the kingdom was announced. Britt the Bard, as he was now known, clapped though his heart was not in it. The crowning of the new king lit the final candle for Cathia Imperator, Britt's long-standing friend and former Queen of Armenia. Her son had risen up to become the new ruler of the land and Britt was left alone.

    Septimus Prime and Dave had died long before Cathia Imperator, the old Queen apparently clinging to life like a drowning woman to a raft. Britt half wondered if some of his own immortal powers had somehow rubbed off on her when she reached her hundred-and-second birthday. But now her eldest son, who was already pretty old, was king.

    Britt sighed and departed the square, leaving the jubilant crowds to cheer on their new leader. Britt pushed his way down the hot streets, baking in the bright sun, until he found his horse. Strapped to the horse were his bags and his lyre - all he needed for his journey.

    Since his Awakening Britt had travelled across Armenia, usually with Cathia Imperator herself, speaking to the people and learning what each town has to offer. He visited the local countries of Atropetene (Azerbaijan), Greece and Macedonia. Even into her nineties, Cathia was ready to travel with Britt across the land but now his journeys would be alone.

    He pulled himself up onto his horse and urged it to trot down the street, avoiding merchants and gatherings of excited people. When he reached the last house, well beyond the edge of the city, he stopped and waited for Secondus to emerge from the quaint hut.

    Secondus Prime: "Are you sure about this?"

    Britt: "I am. It's yours. Just remember, I'll want when... well, when you're finished with it."

    Secondus Prime: "It's weird to think you're going to out-live me, Britt."

    Britt: "Weird, but unfortunately true. The house is yours, like I said. But don't... you know... put any holes in the walls or anything crazy like that..."

    Secondus Prime: "Don't worry, I'll look after it. Me and my... friend... appreciate you letting us have this place."

    Britt: "It's quiet and out of the way. Any man can be what he wants to be out here. Enjoy your life, Secondus. I'm sure I'll see you again one day!"

    Secondus Prime:
    "When I'm old and grey, perhaps?"

    Britt: "Probably."

    With that Britt the Bard continued on. He rode. And he rode. Beyond the border of Armenia and into the lands of the Seleucid Empire, along with the encroaching Armenian armies. The last act of Cathia Imperator was to issue orders for the conquest of Seleucid lands, aiming to take advantage of the Seleucid Empire's weakness and dying years - perhaps seeing a reflection of herself in that ancient kingdom.

    Years passed as Britt trekked across the empire. He avoided all contested lands between the kingdoms of the Seleucid, Armenians and the Romans, whose empire had grown considerably. Britt learnt to sleep on horseback, taking naps here and there without falling flat on his face - a trick not easily learnt and with many a broken nose.

    One fine day -- I love that expression -- Britt was riding slowly through the fields around the city of Antioch when he saw something running straight towards him.

    Britt: "Uh..."

    A horde of soldiers.

    Britt: "Crapcakes! MUSH! GO! GO! MOVE!!"

    The horse, as though it understand his jibberish, turned and bolted - unfortunately spilling its rider flat on his arse.

    Britt: "Ouch..."

    He groaned, rolled over and once again saw the small dispatch headed towards him. At their head appeared to be a woman. Initially he thought she was leading them, but longer inspection revealed she was running away from them.

    Britt planted his face into the grass with resignation. Adventure seemed to be his entire life, no matter how he tried to avoid it. He dragged himself to his feet and waited for them to get closer. The girl apparently spotted Britt and made changed her heading to match his. Either she knew who he was, or she was completely stupid - like an average bloke standing in a field could save her from a motley rabble of soldiers wielding pikes.

    Fortunately for her, he wasn't an average bloke.

    His arms slowly whirled in motions that resembled Tai Chi, taught to him long ago by the Jade Emperor, and a milky brown liquid appeared in the air around him. He manipulated the hot liquid and held his arms into the sky, sending the tea up into the air. He then, quickly and dramatically, yanked his arms down which, in turn, pulled down the cloud of tea straight down onto the soldiers, bowling them over like skittles. They lay, motionless, in the field covered in hot tea.

    The girl reached he and breathed heavily, trying to catch her breath. She leant on him with one arm.

    Girl: "By my Aunt Agatha, I'm frickin' knackered."

    Britt: "Uh... you're welcome?"

    She glanced back at the soldiers.

    Girl: "Did you just kill them with tea!?"

    Britt: "Don't be absurd."

    Girl: "Strange, could have sworn it smelt like tea."

    Britt: "It was Horlicks tea. They're just sleeping."

    Girl: "Oh... right..."

    Britt: "Okay. Well... it was nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your life."

    He turned to leave but she grabbed his arm.

    Girl: "Wait, wait, wait! You can't just leave!"

    Britt: "Actually, I rather think I can..."

    Girl: "I mean to say, you have to take me with you!"

    "Um... I don't think I have to do that... I'm not really looking for a travelling companion right now."

    Girl: "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!?"

    Britt: "Well--"

    Girl: "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!!?"

    Britt: "Look I--"


    Britt: "OKAY OKAY! Good gravy."

    Girl: "Thank you! You just saved my life!"

    Britt: "From that lot?"

    Girl: "Them and my jealous husband!"

    Britt: "What's his problem?"

    Girl: "He think I've been looking at other men."

    Britt: "Looking at them?"

    Girl: "That's right. Specifically my older brother."

    Britt winced.

    Britt: "He thinks you were looking at your older brother?"

    Girl: "Yes!"

    Britt: "When we say looking, we mean... looking, right?"

    Girl: "Yes. Like sexy-time looking."

    Britt shook his head.

    Britt: "The guy's obviously crazy."

    Girl: "Well... not completely crazy. I was looking a bit."

    Britt: "...What?"

    Girl: "I always fancied my older brother! But he was already married to my older sister."

    Britt: "... ... What?"

    Girl: "So my parents made me marry my younger brother. And he's such a brat and he's just so... annoying."

    Britt: "... ... ... What?"

    Girl: "Oh! I'm Ptolemy by the way!"

    Britt: "Isn't that a man's name?"

    Ptolemy: "What man?"

    Britt: "I mean any man!"

    Ptolemy: "How should I know!? I don't know every man!"

    Britt: "No, no, I mean like... it's a boy's name!"

    Ptolemy: "I thought you said it was a man's name?"

    Britt facepalmed.

    "And people say I'm dumb."

    "They do!? What a coincidence!!"

    Britt sighed.

    Britt: "I guess you're from a long line of brother-sister relations?"

    "Of course! My blood is as pure as blood can be!"

    Britt: "Not that blood purity makes any sense to begin with... but it does explain how you can be stupider even than me... stupider... more stupid... stupidier..."

    Ptolemy: "Stupidest!"

    Britt: "More Stupider..."

    Ptolemy: "Most stupidest!"

    Britt: "Stupider than... stupid..."

    Ptolemy: "What are we talking about again?"

    Britt: "I forget..."

    There was a groan from one of the sleeping soldiers.

    Britt: "We best skedaddle."

    Ptolemy: "Wait, wait, there's something important you should know about me!"

    Britt: "You're a man?"

    "Wha-What? No! I've got lady bits!"

    Britt: "Oh good. It's just I've heard the old 'something important you should know' line before..."

    "I don't know what you mean, but fine. I am a Princess!"

    Britt: "I guessed."

    Ptolemy: "You did!? How!?"

    Britt: "No one but a royal family would think being in-bred meant purity..."

    Ptolemy: "...'being in-bed means purity'? I can tell you, me and my husband have done many impure things in-bed!"

    Britt: "Not in-bed... nevermind. I'm guessing you're the Princess of the Seleucid Empire? My condolences."

    Ptolemy: "Well yes, the Seleucid Empire is one of the empire's I am Princess to."

    Britt: "There's two?"

    Ptolemy: "Yes! But the second is far more important!"

    Britt: "Don't tell me it's a frog-pond or something..."

    Ptolemy: "H-H-How did you know!? It's my secret!!"

    Britt: "... lucky guess."

    Ptolemy: "You have a lot of these lucky guesses... But anyway, I need you to take me to my kingdom!"

    "The frog pond?"

    Ptolemy: "Well yes. My subjects will be wondering why I haven't returned yet."

    "You mean the frogs?"

    "Frogs? What frogs?"

    Britt: "Your subjects. The frogs..."

    Ptolemy: "It's very rude to call people frogs! Besides, there are no frogs on Jupiter!"

    Under the desert of the Sahara...

    Antestarr: "How are you alive?"

    Britt: "I'm really not. I'm haunting your sorry arse."

    Antestarr: "Because I killed you?"

    Britt: "Because you ate me! I mean, Christ! You drank my blood, man! You're obviously a closet gay. No wonder you ditched that Japanese girl."

    Antestarr: "If I could... snap your neck... I would..."

    Britt: "If you weren't dying, I'm still incorporeal. If I weren't incorporeal, you'd still be dying. Oh wells! Sucks to be you right now! Guess you'll just have to listen to me prattle on!"

    Antestarr: "Please... kill me... quickly..."

    Britt: "You know why you're still alive?"

    Antestarr: "No."


    Antestarr: "And you're going to... get your revenge by... talking me to death? Slowly!?"

    Britt: "Don't tempt me."

    Antestarr: "Then why? How?"

    Britt: "You drank my blood, so you drank my incredibly rare and unique gift. Tea."

    Antestarr: "I drank... tea?"

    Britt: "That's right. You thought you were drinking my blood-ink, but really you were mostly getting high on my blood-tea. Uh... tea-blood."

    Antestarr: "But--"

    "I'm not saying you got none, dude. But you mostly got tea. Crazy, right!? Haha!"

    Antestarr: "@*&££%!"

    Britt: "Now, now!"

    Britt's Ghost hops up onto the slab and sits 'through' Antestarr's legs.

    Britt: "So! Would you like to live?"

    Antestarr: "No."

    Britt: "Funny, I said that when I was dying too. First time."

    Antestarr: "I... don't want your... life story..."

    "Maybe not! But someone else has taken an interest in it. Your old master!"

    Thoughts of Antestarr's old master, Arkng Thand, flash through Antestarr's mind. He remembers his days as a NeScholar, the life he led then. How much simpler and more fulfilled it once seemed.

    Britt: "That's right. Think about how far you've strayed from your path, mate. Once you were all about knowledge and understanding. Now? You go round trying murder people and-- well actually you do murder people, no trying about it! And for what? You can't say food, because you went out of your way to get to me!"

    Antestarr: "..."

    Britt: "I'm here to offer you the path of redemption."


    Britt: "Live, Antestarr. Live and you can't redeem yourself. You have me within you. And no, before you ask, you don't have my tea-powers. They're way too cool for you! But I'm still there. My... spirit. Or whatever I am. You just need to accept me and with my other super-secret-contract-given power, I'll bring you back to life."


    Britt: "You still have Young and Chance to take care of. How long before the Phantom comes back for them? Do you really think Chance is safe with TLTE? You can rekindle your love interest with Subaru, fix your friendship with Gebohq, become a NeS Hero once again. Or even a NeScholar. Go back to your roots. Whatever you want your path to be, you can start again. Reborn!"

    Antestarr: "I... accept."

    Britt: "Jolly good! Now, hold still. This is going to hurt like buggery."

    Antestarr screams.

    Physically his body is having a seizure, attracting the attention of Suzy X.

    Suzy X: "Still alive!? No wonder the sacrifice didn't do anything!"

    She whips out a knife and walks towards Antestarr's shaking body with deadly purpose.

    Suzy X: "Rest in Peace. Fiend."

    Antestarr: "WAIT!"

    His hand snaps out and grabs Suzy X's knife-hand.

    "Jesus Bloody Christ, last thing I want is to be killed again!"

    Suzy X: "Again? Your accent... has changed..."

    Antestarr sits up with some discomfort. He supports his back with his free hand. He looks up at Suzy X and blinks.

    Antestarr: "Wow! You look just like Aetas X! Incredible!"

    Suzy X gasps and drops the knife.

    Suzy X: "How--!? How do you know that name!?"

    Antestarr grins and releases the woman's hand. He feels his vampiric powers surging and pulsing within him like a caged animal screaming to get out. However the powers weren't the only thing being caged within his body...

    Antestarr: "I almost married her! Way back when I first woke up from BrittSleep..."

    Suzy X stares at Antestarr with awe.


    Britt the Legend - Chapter Twelve Continued...

    Britt stared at the oasis.

    He and Ptolemy were standing in the middle of a desert in, what is now, Syria. Britt planted his hands on his hips.

    Britt: "Amazing. You must be very proud. Are you going to bathe with your froggy friends?"

    Ptolemy: "Well, yes we have to get in there."

    Britt: "I am not going to dive into some tadpole-infested pond."

    Ptolemy: "You're not a very good Hero, are you?"

    Britt: "You know, I never actually claimed to be one."

    Ptolemy grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the oasis.

    "You need to learn that 'no' means 'no', Ptolemy."

    Ptolemy: "At the bottom of this oasis is the gateway to Jupiter and my empire!"

    Britt: "You know, I'm really beginning to think you're trolling me. The whole incest thing and now this?"

    Ptolemy looked directly at Britt the Bard and stared into his eyes.

    Ptolemy: "Please, just trust me on this."

    Britt rolled his eyes and checked that his lyre was securely fastened to his back. He had sold his horse and supplies in the last town, convinced by Ptolemy that they wouldn't need it. He felt like he was being pulled and drawn down a story that wouldn't end well. For him at least.

    Holding hands they jumped into the oasis. The rush of cool water shocked Britt's system as the heat of the desert washed away. He and Ptolemy slowly allowed themselves to sink until he felt something unusual tugging at his foot. He glanced down to see some strange swirling mass. He suddenly began to kick and struggle against it, but the draw was too strong and he was being sucked into the Plot-Hole.

    Britt: "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo-- ACK!! I'M ALIVE!!!"

    He leapt to his feet and fist-pumped the air. The sensation of such as sudden transition was unusual. One moment he was drowning and the next he was lying on a marble surface.

    He looked up at the arched roof above him, which extended upwards and away from him until it met its eaves where it was supported by columns of dark purple marble. In fact, most of the materials he saw were purple and the marble was the most common material amongst them. Inside cages were strange green creatures with large bulbs at the ends of their tails and these bulbs glowed bright, luminous green that cast an unusual spread of green-on-purple all along the promenade where he stood.

    The sky, beyond the eaves of the roof, was coloured light yellow that verged on being white, and was a mass of swirling clouds that, to Britt, appeared very angry.

    "This is amazing..."

    He turned from the sky to see Ptolemy taking her clothes off!

    "What the--!?"

    Ptolemy: "You should take your clothes off too, Britt."

    "Well, you're being awfully forward, Ptolemy. Maybe your husband was right be to pissed off!"

    Ptolemy: "Huh? Oh! Not all of your clothes! But you really need to at least show off your chest. You'll look really out of place if you don't."

    She had whipped off most of her clothes until she was left wearing a leather bra and a white sarong-like garment that did little to conceal her ever-flashing knickers.

    Britt: "Right... I'm really not going to wander around the streets of any country, or planet, wearing just my underwear."

    Ptolemy: "Erm... this is a... my friend described it as... beefcake and cheesecake world... See for yourself."

    She pointed at the edge of the promenade. Britt stepped forward and looked down the hill towards the cityscape below where he could see the people going about their business. Men were big, beefy and well-chiselled while the women were all big-busted damsels with beautiful skin tones of all varieties.

    Britt looked at Ptolemy.

    Britt: "I'm really not happy about this."

    Ten minutes later and he was walking through the Jupiterian streets in nothing but a pair of shorts that Ptolemy cut out of his Roman-robes. Britt was far from big, beefy or well-chiselled and he felt incredibly self-conscious as he tried to avoid eye-contact with all of the people around him. Especially the incredibly attractive women that seemed to populate the entire city.

    Britt: "Ptolemy... where are we going? And can we please get there soon!?"

    Ptolemy: "We're going to my Palace."

    Britt: "I thought you were trying to avoid your husband?"

    Ptolemy: "I am! That's why we're going to my palace and not his! His was back on Earth anyway. The Seleucid Empire."

    Britt: "Right. I think I'm beginning to understand. I don't think you really need me around at this point though, right?"

    Ptolemy suddenly stopped. She tapped her lower lip with a thoughtful finger.

    Ptolemy: "You know what? I think you're right! I only needed you to help me get to Jupiter, now that I'm here I don't need you! Oops!"

    Britt resisted another facepalm, fearing he would be causing himself brain damage if he did it much more.

    Ptolemy: "Oh well! Might as well enjoy Jupiter while you're here!"

    Britt: "Yeah right. Enjoy being shamed by all these massive blokes with pecks bigger than my head."

    Ptolemy: "Though we'd best hurry to the palace. I think there's a storm on the way and you wouldn't want to get torn to shreds."

    Britt: "Torn to shreds!?"

    Ptolemy: "This is Jupiter. The weather is... nasty at times."

    Antestarr (Britt): "This explains a lot."

    Suzy X has led the possessed Antestarr down deeper into the labyrinth beneath the mysterious obelisk of the Sahara desert. There she showed him a large magical device made from an ancient, gnarled tree. The dead tree's left branch arched over and down, almost connecting with the massive roots of the long-deceased tree. In this make-shift circle is a sphere of blue liquid and within that sphere of blue liquid are several sleeping women who all look identical.

    Suzy X: "The ancient Druids of Doughnutdelf created this, allowing Aetas X to clone herself. Now it's just... tradition, I guess. I don't share her memories, only stories passed on generation to generation. Of course it's a massive secret so if you tell anyone..."

    Antestarr (Britt): "I'd die all over again. Got it."

    Suzy X: "I can't believe you're the Britt. Your story is one of those she passed down."

    Antestarr (Britt): "I wish I could say I was flattered... but actually I'm just creeped out."

    Suzy X: "Why did you... possess Antestarr's body?"

    Antestarr (
    Britt): "You mean aside from the fact he murdered me? Truth be told, I'm going to let him have it when I can get myself a new body."

    They both look at the sleeping clones.

    Antestarr (Britt): "Why couldn't they be clones of a man?"

    Suzy X: "Is it really the time to get worried about your manly pride?"

    Antestarr (Britt): "Are you kidding me? I wouldn't know what to... do as a woman! I mean-- how do you pee!? Don't your boobs get in the way when you try to roll over? And all that multitasking! And bleeding! Wow, I don't think I can do this!"

    Suzy X: "... Has anyone ever called you stupid?"

    Antestarr (Britt): "Far more times than I could possibly count."

  22. #1782
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Acceptance

    Back in London the NeS Heroes are huddled around an array of computer monitors as they watch MZZT work his magic on the keyboard, searching for possible NeSferatu hide-outs.

    MZZT: "I'm pretty sure they're going to be in Europe somewhere."

    Amal: "Why do you say that?"

    "He's a vampire, right? Could only be Europe or the UK. Everywhere else isn't gothic enough."

    Evil G: "But isn't he a sparkly vampire? They're all American teenagers."

    MZZT: "I don't think Antestarr is a teenager..."

    Evil G: "Fair enough. Actually I was wondering why he hasn't exploded in sunlight yet. I vaguely remember him being on fire a while ago."

    Tracer: "I remember someone old telling me that the NeSferatu get stronger over time. He said that the burning in the sun only lasts a short time."

    Evil G: "Kid, to you everyone is old!"


    Evil G: "Still, nice plot-hole filler."

    Tracer: "Yeah!"

    Evil G: "Great kid, don't get cocky."

    Losien: "You know, if we owed a penny for every Star Wars line we used..."

    Evil G: "Then we'd be fine because Krig's our lawyer and he'd literally swallow George Lucas."

    Losien: "There's a terrible image."

    MZZT: "Oi! Get your bloody hands off my keyboard!"

    Bloody Skeleton: "Whoa! Chill out, bro! I was just reaching for the chips!"

    Iriana Emp: "We have chips?"

    MZZT: "He means crisps."

    Losien: "Bloody Americans."

    Bloody Skeleton: "You're American!"

    Losien: "Bloody skeletons!"

    Bloody Skeleton: "You know what? You guys are racist. Racist against bloody skeletons!"

    Gwenhwyfar: "Aren't you guys forgetting something?"

    Everyone turns to face Gwenhwyfar.

    Amal: "Like?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "Uh... me!?"

    Everyone chuckles and turns back to the computer, save Rachel.

    Rachel Pi:
    "You totally saved Losien's life, so yeah. You're on-board."

    Gwenhwyfar: "On... board... what?"

    Rachel Pi: "NeS Heroes, of course! You know how many former villains have been accepted as good guys? It's a wonder we've got any villains left actually."

    Evil G raises his hand.

    Evil G: "Present!"

    Rachel Pi:
    "And TLTE is probably off somewhere being... Russian... or something."

    Losien: "Oh my God! TLTE!!"

    Rachel Pi: "Don't tell me you forgot your own boyfriend?"

    Losien: "I didn't forget him... I just... misplaced him... Do you think he'll make it back here? Did my mother have him? I ought to get through that portal and give her a good talking to!"

    Rachel Pi: "We all know you'd be quickly cowed by your mum, Losien. She'd say jump and you'd say how high."

    Losien: "Not at a--"

    Gwenhwyfar: "This is how you lot operate!?"

    Bloody Skeleton sidles up to Gwenhwyfar.

    Bloody Skeleton: "Glad to make your acquaintance, sweetcheeks. I bet you look great underneath that armour."

    One of the ghosts begins swinging from Big Ben.

    Losien: "Just like old times in the HHH..."

    Rachel Pi: "Unfortunately."

  23. #1783
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Marduck

    Britt the Legend: Chapter Thirteen

    Britt stood upon the balcony of his chambers within Ptolemy's palace and looked out at the cityscape as it was being ravaged by the storm. Yellow cloud whipped at the buildings' shields, causing a faint purple glow to shroud each visible building. After watching the storm, Britt could easily believe how it might tear a physical being to shreds.

    Along with the storm came a horrific noise that sounded like the most Hellish duck imaginable.

    Of course, it then turned out that said Hellish duck was quite real!

    The booming, screeching quacking thundered over his balcony as the menacing shadow cast over him. Britt leant into the wall, trying to keep out of sight of the huge beast's roving eyes. He wasn't sure if the monster could break through the shield or not - but he didn't want to find out.

    Ptolemy: "What're you doing?"

    Britt: "HOLY SMOKING BUNNIES OF BENIDORM!! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

    Ptolemy: "Sorry. I just wanted to sneak up and catch you in the act!"

    Britt: "Act of what?"

    Ptolemy shrugged.

    Ptolemy: "Dunno. Act of something salacious!"

    Britt: "What? I'm surprised you even know what that means! Actually I don't even know what that means!"

    Ptolemy: "Me neither, but it sounds naughty!"

    Britt: "Well even if I wanted to do something salacious, naughty or otherwise, I couldn't with that monstrous quacking thing out there."

    Ptolemy: "You mean Marduck."

    Britt: "Mar... duck? As in Marduk, the Babylonian god?"

    Ptolemy: "Yes. Marduck who is the Babylonian god is the god of Jupiter. Half-man, half-duck god thing. Ugly ******* he is."

    Britt: "I'm more concerned about being eaten than his appearance."

    Ptolemy: "You'll be fine in here. Just don't go outside during a storm."

    Britt: "Well there's no fear of that! I'd be torn to shreds by the storm before I could even be eaten by your Marduck!"

    Ptolemy: "Right right. So if you're not doing anything salacious, I suppose I'll be leaving."

    Britt: "... you know, I can't tell if you're trying to proposition me or if you genuinely just wanted to catch me in bed with someone."

    Ptolemy: "Either way would be fun!"

    Britt: "You kind of freak me out."

    Ptolemy: "Well that's not very nice!!"

    Britt: "Sorry. It's the... genes."

    Ptolemy: "I'm not wearing any jeans! All my jeans were messed up in the last wash..."

    "I bet they were. And every other member of your family."

    Ptolemy: "Nobody else wears jeans."

    Britt: "Yes, well, when somebody invents jeans then I'm sure everyone in your family will want them. And I'm sure they'll all want faded, worn-out and warped genes. I mean jeans."

    Ptolemy: "You just said jeans twice..."

    Britt: "Right. Sure I did."

    "So, do you want to help me do some crazy alchemy, kill my husband, take the throne and conquer the Earth!?"

    Britt: "... Uh?"

    Ptolemy: "It would have been easier to convince you if we'd been doing salacious things, but since you're proper gay--"

    Britt: "I am not gay!"

    Ptolemy: "It's okay! I'm accepting of everyone's sexual preferences! It's cool by me, man!"

    Britt rolled his eyes.

    Britt: "Just tell me what kind of crack-pot scheme your plotting."

    "So, I'm going to open a whole load of portals to connect to the Earth. I'll then send the power of the storms through those portals onto the Earth and totally wipe-out every living thing. Making Earth easier to conquer. What do you reckon? Genius, right!?"

    Britt: "That... sounds like something else... that hasn't been invented yet..."

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Damn right it sounds like something else! Stop nicking my ideas!"

    Britt the Writer: "It's... a prototype of your... whatever it was called."

    Al Ciao the Writer: "The Nova Shroud!"

    Britt the Writer: "Yeah, that! This is totally an early concept of the same idea!"

    Al Ciao the Writer:


    Britt the Legend: Chapter Thirteen Continued

    Britt: "I would say all that power is going to your head... but I think it's the reverse. Your brain is lacking processing power..."

    Ptolemy: "I have no idea what that means but I'm sure it's offensive!"

    Britt: "Look, I'm just saying you should calm yourself a wee bit. Why do you want to go murdering everyone on Earth? I mean, really?"

    Ptolemy: "Because my pleb of a husband is there!"

    Britt: "You want to destroy an entire planet of people just to kill one bloke?"

    Ptolemy: "... ... ... ... yeeees?"

    Britt: "That's pretty evil, you know that right? I'm from that planet and I don't really want to have my friends and family wiped out just so you can get your own back on your hubby."

    Ptolemy: "Well... okay so now I feel a bit bad about it."

    Britt: "Well that's good. So instead, think of how you can punish your husband, without killing everyone on the planet."

    Ptolemy: "Uh..."

    Britt: "..."

    Ptolemy: "Um..."

    Britt: "Just say it. I know what you're going to say. But say it anyway."

    Ptolemy: "Heh heh... I sort of... already... it's too late."


    Ptolemy: "Sorry!! I wasn't thinking, okay?"

    Britt: "Not okay! How do we stop your brain-addled plan!?"

    Ptolemy: "Well, we'd have to go outside and manually disable all of the portal points."

    Britt: "But we can't go outside because of the storm!"

    Ptolemy: "Actually we can! We wear protective steam-punk suits!"

    Britt: "I won't ask what a steam-punk is because I have a feeling it's not been invented yet. But at least it's a plan."

    Ptolemy: "But obviously we might get eaten by Marduck."



    Later Britt and Ptolemy are outside in the thick of the storm. Britt felt like he would blow away at any given moment, but the strange shielding that coated the metallic suit protected him from all of the storm's effects. Yet it still felt like he was walking through soup.

    The suit itself was made of purple-metal, like everything else on Jupiter, and the helmet was a massive sphere with a grate at the front to see through. The oxygen tank on his back was providing him breathable air for the next few hours.

    He scurried across the street, pushing through the soup-storm with his arms out-stretched. He tried to keep to the wall, fearing being seen by the dark shadow that loomed somewhere above him. Ptolemy followed him, looking slightly more dignified than he was sure he looked himself.

    They both trekked across an open plaza, moving slowly so as not to be easily seen. Marduck's horrifying screech blasted out above them, but his shadow passed by.

    Britt: "I'm going to pee myself."

    Ptolemy: "Aw c'mon. He's a big softie really."

    Britt: "Really?"

    Ptolemy: "Nah! He'll absolutely gut you and eat you while you're still clinging to life. I just thought I'd say something nice to you."

    Britt: "Thanks. You're all heart..."

    Ptolemy: "I know, right!? So listen! I was thinking - once I've brutally murdered my husband, I need a new husband..."

    Britt: "... haven't you got any brothers left?"

    Ptolemy: "They're all married already. So I was thinking you'd do! How about it? Want to be a Prince?"

    Britt: "Uh... I think... I need time to consider it. And run like Hell..."

    Ptolemy: "What's to think about? I'm a princess! You're pretty hot - for a Roman - and I don't hate you! That's kind of the important part for me."

    Britt: "But our babies wouldn't be... pure. Right?"

    "Oh right! Good point! That's okay! Any children we have, I'll drown them."

    Britt: "HOLY FU--!!???"

    Ptolemy dove to the wall.

    Ptolemy: "What? What is it? Did Marduck see us!?"

    Britt: "You are one absolute psychopath, Ptolemy! You can't go drowning babies!"

    Ptolemy: "Oh. Smothering them in their sleep would be more humane, right?"


    Ptolemy: "You... should really stop shouting so much..."


    Suddenly there's a wailing quack.

    Britt: "Buggery."

    Britt felt himself suddenly whirl through the air as he was caught in the fingers of Marduck, the monster-god of Jupiter. Britt squirmed and writhed futilely in the monsters grip, during which he caught a glimpse of the beast's bird-like body and it's human-like head. From the head protruded a thick beard knotted with decorative twine. What should have been talons were hands with long finger-nails that wrapped around Britt tightly. He managed to see Ptolemy in Marduck's other hand as they soared through the yellow-blizzard. They continued flying until, finally, Marduck dropped them both and they fell into a heap of metal limbs in the middle of a nest.

    Marduck landed on the edge of the nest and barked a quack at them.

    Britt scrambled away from Marduck and found himself propped up against the opposite edge of the nest beside Ptolemy.

    "This is all your fault, Britt."

    Britt: "Well, maybe if you weren't such a basket-case..."

    Marduck quacked at them again.

    Britt: "Jesus Christ. I'm going to be eaten by a weird human-duck-monster. This really wasn't on the list of deaths I considered for myself."

    Ptolemy: "I didn't envision dying at all! I planned to use alchemy to live forever! I'd have probably drained your life energy and sucked it into me at some point in our future. So maybe this is better for you, at least."

    Britt: "You get crazier and crazier!"

    Ptolemy: "I'm not crazy! I'm... special."

    Britt: "You were clearly dropped on your head as a baby."

    Ptolemy: "How did you know!?"

    Britt: "Another lucky guess."

    Marduck: "Okay, shaddap!"

    Both Britt and Ptolemy sat bolt-upright in surprise.

    Britt: "You can talk!"

    Marduck: "Of course I can talk! I've got a mouth, haven't I!?"

    Britt: "Well yeah... but all that... quacking..."

    "I'm half-duck. Do I judge you for being half ape?"

    Britt: "Uh... what?"

    Marduck: "Doesn't matter. So! How would you like to be eaten!? I was thinking boiled, mashed, mixed with a little coriander."

    Britt: "If I had a preference, I'd say I'd rather not be eaten at all."

    Marduck: "I'm sure you would!"

    Marduck's face was bigger than Britt's entire body and as it loomed over him with a broad, white-toothed, grin Britt felt truly intimidated. Marduck was weird, verging on comedic, yet also horrifying and beyond strange to the point of being incredibly creepy.

    Ptolemy: "How about we make a deal, Marduck? I'm the Princess of Jupiter! I'm worth a lot of... meals, shall we say?"

    Britt: "What!?"

    Marduck: "Interesting... how many... meals are we talking about?"

    Ptolemy: "A hundred."

    Marduck: "Three-hundred!"


    Marduck: "Two-hundred."

    "One-seventy-five. And I'll throw in my would-be husband."

    Britt: "You mean me, don't you?"


    Ptolemy: "Huzzah!"

    She jumped to her feet, rather deftly for a woman in a metallic diving suit, and cheered. She did a little dance before she turned to Britt, hands on hips.

    "I'm really sorry, Britt. I really am. I'd have liked to have you for my husband. You're really funny. And stupid. So I can relate! But I have to think of myself first. I think you would have annoyed me eventually with all your thinking about... being nice... or whatever."

    Britt: "I'm touched."

    "Shame I didn't get to do that salacious thing with you before you died though."

    Britt: "Sorry to disappoint."

    Ptolemy: "Don't worry Britt. Your precious Earth won't suffer too much. The agonising pain of being torn to shreds by Jupiter's winds won't last too long. Like maybe a minute or two! Maybe three. Or four. Well, anyway!"

    She turned to see Marduck staring straight at her. She jumped back with surprise, but tried to recompose herself quickly.

    Marduck: "The man if from Earth?"

    Ptolemy: "Ha! Yes he is! Sorry, I know those guys are probably not a great meal. But hey, more Jupiterians for your later, right? Consider him an appetiser! I love appetisers."

    Marduck looked at Britt and, for a brief second, Britt felt he could see the future. In the space of the past hour Britt had come to seriously dislike Ptolemy and yet what he saw coming made him feel incredibly bad for her - even though she planned it for him.

    The crunch of Marduck's teeth was sickening and Britt threw up in a corner of the nest. He kept his back turned from Marduck until the horrible grinding of Ptolemy's bones in the god's mouth came to an end. He glanced back to see Marduck wiping his mouth with a gigantic napkin.

    He belched.

    Marduck: "Pardon me."

    Britt: "That was unexpected. And incredibly gruesome."

    Marduck: "Well, lucky it wasn't you then!"

    Britt: "And why wasn't it me?"

    Marduck: "I don't like these Jupiterians. My real peeps are all down on Earth!"

    Britt: "You mean worshippers?"

    "That's right! I can feel their faith in me, even here on Jupiter. It's a glowing sensation, I can tell you. Keeps me looking healthy. And so a friend of Earth is a friend of mine. What's all this about killing people there?"

    "She's set up portals that will send Jupiter's storms to Earth and kill everyone there!"

    Marduck: "Such a little strumpet! Royalty! They're all the same! So, shall we go and save your planet?"

    Britt looked up at Marduck with trepidation.

    Marduck: "It's okay! I'm not going to eat you! I mean, I was going to... but not now. Now we're besties!"

    Britt: "I know she was bonkers, and kind of evil in the end but... I feel bad for Ptolemy."

    Marduck: "Who'se Ptolemy?"

    Britt pointed to Marduck's belly.

    "Ah! Well, she got her just deserts. HA! GET IT!?"

    Britt threw up again.

  24. #1784
    Britt the Legend: Chapter Fourteen

    In this chapter of Britt the Legend, one must first understand the long and complicated histories of Jupiter, how their mythological gods shaped its people, how its people shaped their gods, and the long-standing feud between the gods residing on Jupiter and the gods residing on Mount Olympus, all of which could only be compiled by the records held by the Taxman in Forms J-32 through J-4365 between the Earth years 92 B.C.E. and, as of this side-compilation, 2002 C.E. (though also including form D-75926 from exactly three hundred years after the end of the "Common Era" and the start of the "Glorious Toaster Era"). Without further adieu, enjoy these gripping tales of adventure, romance, and tax-reformation in...

    FORM J-32
    Full Name: Marduck--
    Thrawn[numbarz]: "Mr President."

    President Thand: "I presume your interruption of my study time means you have important news for me."

    Thrawn[numbarz]: "You asked me to inform you when a NeS page had passed by."

    President Thand: "Ah. Time seems to pass quicker these days, and even more so when studying. Inform me again when another has passed."

    Thrawn[numbarz]: "Yes, sir."

    President Thand: "A lucky break for the audience - I'll be skipping those sections in the interest of time..."
    ...and further observation of Ares, Marduck, and Echidna are to be continued.

    Due to the infallibility of System Clerks as noted in Section 436, Paragraph 14, Echidna will continued to be identified as half-echidna and not half-snake as claimed by eyewitnesses and participants of the Earth-Jupiter Deity Feud.

    END FORM J-4365

    And now, the following chapter of Britt the Legend will make complete sense.


    Britt the Legend: Chapter Fourteen

    Britt: "So how do we stop the Earth from being destroyed?"

    Marduck: "Already did."

    Britt: "What? How?"

    Marduck: "I'm a god! I can do whatever the bloody hell I like!"

    Britt: "Oh, right."

    Marduck: "All that flexing of my godly powers though left me hungry..."

    Britt: "W-wait! You don't want to eat me!"

    Marduck: "Are you telling me, the most important and true mythological god to exist, what to do? You're not very smart, are you?"

    Britt: "Uh, you don't want to kill me because you'll need someone to go back to Earth and tell everybody how you saved them!"

    Marduck: "And why do I need you to do this, mortal?"

    Britt: "I'm told I'm fairly charismatic, and I can give you good PR...?"

    Marduck: "I'm still listening to you, so you've got that going for you. I best send you off then."

    In an instant, a large cannon appears, and from it, bindings attached to a cannonball that are now attached to Britt's ankles.

    Marduck: "Alright, now just toss the ol' cannonball into the cannon and I'll fire you right off to Earth."

    Britt: "What?! Can't you just wish me back to Earth?"

    Marduck: "I told you, flexing my godly muscles tired me out. This is what I'm up for doing. That is, unless you want me to eat you."

    Britt: "In the barrel you go, little ball!"

    And with that, Marduck lights the cannon and fires Britt off into space, towards Earth.

    Unfortunately, neither Marduck or Britt really understood just how far away Jupiter was from Earth -- 588 million kilometers to be exact -- and with the cannonball traveling at a rate of about 40 kilometers per hour once it escaped Jupiter's gravity, roughly placed Britt back on Earth in about the turn of the 15th century. Without Britt to say otherwise, Ares took all the credit for saving the Earth from Jupiter, after which the planet between Earth and Jupiter was named after him. The Earth-Jupiter Deity Feud started shortly after.

    Needless to say, Britt once again di--er--"rested though BrittSleep" during his travels back to Earth.
    Last edited by Gebohq; 07-27-2014 at 02:49 PM.

  25. #1785
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend: Chapter Fifteen

    Britt the Legend - Chapter Fifteen

    Earth, 1430, Burgundy.

    Joan of Arc: "Don't let a single one through!"

    The Siege of Compiegne had been going in favour of France, inspired by the young heroine Joan d'Arc who had emerged from nowhere wielding the sword of legendary hero Charlemagne. The English, and pro-English French, had been winning battle and after battle during the French-English war that was due to last for 100 years but with the arrival of Joan the tides had turned.

    Burgundy, who is pro-English, stands at the walls of Compiegne where Joan of Arc stands in defence. Victory seems assured.

    But then there's a sudden blaze in the sky!

    French Soldier #1:
    "Is it a bird!?"

    French Soldier #2: "Is it a plane!?"

    French Soldier #3:
    "No! It's-- wait, what the Hell is a plane?"

    The whirling ball of fire smashes into the proud walls of Compiegne and send them tumbling down. French soldiers lie stricken and, all at once, defeat is certain and the Burgundian forces storm the castle!

    Britt the Bard rolls over onto his back and snores loudly. Joan of Arc, likewise, rolls over onto her back and finds herself lying next to the sleeping man that fell from the sky.

    Joan of Arc: "What kind of country hurtles sleeping men at their enemies!?"

    She sits up.

    Joan of Arc: "Come to think of it what kind of country has men that burst into flames and survive being thrown at a castle wall?"

    The Burgundians were instantly upon Joan of Arc and she is captured. One year later she is executed - burnt at the stake as a witch - while Britt, the one responsible, continues to sleep on with very happy and wonderful dreams. *******.

    The Burgundians, shocked and amazed by their saviour, believed he was an angel sent from Heaven by God Himself and they sealed Britt in a glass tomb where they believed he would one day awaken and save them all from the impending Judgement Day. His glass coffin was moved, naturally, to the heart of Christianity - Rome - where he rested for another hundred years. Being thrown through space had clearly taken its toll.

    Unfortunately the Roman janitor forgot to lock the door of the tomb one day and Britt's glass coffin was nicked by a bunch of thieves during the Sack of Rome.

    They would soon discover that nobody wanted to own a sleeping man - save for the occasional pervert - and they tossed the glass coffin into a ditch where it sat for several more years until Britt finally awoke from his BrittSleep.

    Britt stumbled out of the ditch in a state of confusion and weariness. His legs wobbled as he eventually stood tall and looked out at the city of Rome.

    Britt: "Home..."

    People gave him odd looks as he went by - apparently wearing strange ceremonial white robes (that he had been dressed by in worshippers) was a bit strange.

    Britt's first surprise was Christianity. Gone were the Roman Gods he knew and in was the singular God and his Son Jesus. Britt couldn't quite get his head around the whole idea, especially since he had MET the old gods, but chose to simply forget it for now. He just wanted to find something he knew and understood. The buildings he once loved, the colosseum and the temples, were mostly in ruins but as he got to the suburbs of the city he started to fix things in his mind. Finally he found HIS house.

    It looked a bit different. In fact it looked COMPLETELY different. His had been a little mud hut, this was a massive three-storey house made of stone... but it was in the right place!

    He burst in.

    After a lot of anger, screaming and shouting, Britt was flung out of the house by the owners.

    "You stole my house!"

    The door slammed in his face.

    Britt, in his fury, found a brick on the floor, picked it up and curled his hand back to throw it through the window.

    The door suddenly burst open again.

    Girl: "Britticus!"

    Britt looked incredibly guilty as he froze in his impending destructive pose.

    Girl: "... were you going to throw a brick through my window!?"

    Britt: "Uh... no?"

    He slowly lowered his arm and started to inspect the brick.

    Britt: "Just... admiring it... it's a very beautiful... stone..."

    Girl: "From what I know of you, I almost believe you."

    Britt: "You know me?"

    He tossed the brick to the ground haphazardly.

    Girl: "You're - probably - my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great... great-great-great-great--"

    Britt: "Uh... can you just say great to the number of?"

    Girl: "Well, you're my ancestor. Probably."

    Britt: "I am!?"

    Girl: "My name is Adélaide Simonier."

    Britt: "Simonier? Really?"

    She nodded enthusiastically.

    Britt: "That sounds a bit like Simonius! What a coincidence!"

    Adélaide facepalmed.

    Sometime later Britt is wandering through the halls of his old-new house. He admired the decoration. The people of today had far more taste than he ever had... or indeed most people of his time.

    Adélaide: "I'm sorry my father threw you out. You did kind of come out of nowhere... and you look like a crazy person."

    Britt: "Funny, I thought he was the crazy one."

    Adélaide: "Well I'm glad you came back during MY time! You have no idea how excited to meet you I am! The family almost gave up home that you'd ever return!"

    Britt: "You know, I'm still finding it a bit creepy that my family has become some kind of... Britticus Cult."

    Adélaide: "We're nothing of the sort! We only keep this house, watch out for signs of your return, celebrate your birth each year, kiss portraits of you, run around the woods every summer and have rampant sex with trees and finally burn effigies of you to invoke your spirits in the slaying of our foes."


    Adélaide: "Haha! I'm just joking."


    Adélaide: "Except for the burning effigies part."


    Adélaide: "You're way too easy."

    Britt: "I bet your parents just adore you, don't they?"

    Adélaide: "Actually they DO, cheeky! They think I'm a bright spark of light in our family!"

    Britt: "Don't all parents think that?"

    Adélaide: "Perhaps, but not every daughter invented so many awesome things! Come and see!"

    Adélaide led Britt out into the garden, which Britt was shocked by - the entire countryside had been his garden - and taken to a long shed marked "Adél's Workshop - Keep Out or Die Painfully from a Multitude of Hazards including, but not limited to, electricity, impalement, magic, chemical warfare, bullet to the head or frenzied monkey zombies."

    Britt: "I don't even understand most of what's on that sign."

    Adélaide: "You will!"

    She opened the door to reveal a massive workshop filled with a large collection of apparatus and junk that was haphazardly placed throughout the room. Britt stepped back outside, looked at the size of the workshop, and then entered again.

    Adélaide: "I used a plot-hole event to relocate us to a much larger workshop. Awesome, huh!?"

    Britt: "This is... kind of... blowing my mind."

    Adélaide: "There's also a plot-hole event at the back that would take us to the family home in France!"

    Britt: "France?"

    Adélaide: "Couldn't you tell from my name? Our family's mostly French, we left Rome loooooooong ago. Actually Joan of Arc was dating my great-great-great-great-grand-uncle!"

    Britt was suddenly struck by the image of a young woman trying to kick his sleeping form in spite as she was being dragged away by soldiers.

    He shook the image from his mind.

    Britt: "No idea who that is. So, do you care to explain all of this crap?"

    Adélaide whipped out a pair of glasses which she popped on her face and looked up at him. Her eyes were super-enlarged and Britt jumped.

    Britt: "What the Hell!?"

    Adélaide: "They help me see! I can't see without my glasses! Because I'm a nerd."

    Britt: "A what?"

    Adélaide: "Nevermind. Actually I can see just fine. I made them for someone else. But they're neat, right? This one I call the Light Bulb. Because it's a bulb, like a flower, that emits light!"

    Britt: "Now that IS impressive!"

    Adélaide: "Right!? I invented it to go in my refrigerator!"

    Britt: "A what?"

    Adélaide: "Something that keeps food cold so it will last longer! And then I was thinking, 'Wow! What if I need to eat from the refrigerator at night!?' And so I invented the light bulb!"

    Britt: "Seems like a pretty small use for something with so much potential..."

    Adélaide: "HEY! Don't diss fridge! It's the most important thing in my life! It contains my snacks."

    Britt: "Uh... right..."

    Adélaide: "There is my helicopter. I used to study under Leonardo da Vinci and I improved upon his design. It should work. When I invent a motor for it. This here is a Nintendo. It won't work until I invent a television though. And this is a Plot-Hole gun! It's what I used to create these plot-holes for my convenience. Because I'm infinitely lazy."

    Britt: "That seems like a dangerous weapon."

    Adélaide: "Weapon? I sometimes use it to get to the fridge if I'm on the otherside of the workshop..."

    Britt: "Right. I suppose it depends on who is using it..."

    Adélaide: "And this is my current project!"

    Britt: "You made a MAN!?"

    Adélaide: "What? No! That's Capernicus! He's working with me on this massive model of the solar system I'm trying to create. We hypothesise that the Earth travels around the sun, not the other way around!"

    Britt: "Yeah, that is true."

    Capernicus: "What? How can you know this?"

    Britt: "I saw it. Sometimes I woke up on my journey back to Earth and saw it. But I'd suffocate and fall asleep. I woke up a lot of times though... So I saw the Earth basically moving around the sun. And the moon around the Earth. I'd say it was beautiful, but suffocation is damned painful. Stupid Marduck."

    Adélaide: "I don't really understand what you just said."

    Britt: "Consider that revenge then."

    Capernicus: "Thank you for confirming my understanding, Sir! I shall go and publish my work right now! Thank you Adélaide for all of your hard work!"

    Adélaide used her plot-hole gun to create plot-hole for Capernicus to get back topside. She then opened another plot-hole to the fridge. She was back a moment later with two pots.

    Adélaide: "I invented this food too. I call it yogurt. It keeps really well in the fridge!"

    Britt: "I'm pretty overwhelmed, I have to admit. Are you going to sell these inventions?"

    Adélaide: "No WAY! I don't want other people using MY refrigerator!"

    Britt: "Right... and what's this?"

    Britt picked up a thin, shaft-like instrument.

    Adélaide: "Don't touch that!!"

    Britt dropped it.

    Adélaide: "That's my neuralyzer! It'll make you forget everything that happened within the last few minutes. It's made me very confused many times until I figured out what it did!"

    Britt: "You mean you're inventing things without knowing what they do?"

    Adélaide: "That's right! Invent first, question later! This big thing here I call the Atom Bomb!"

    Britt: "What does it do?"

    Adélaide: "No idea! That's the fun of it, don't you think!?"

    In the far-distant future.

    Frank Smith: "WRAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

    Far-Future Cop #67: "Run away!!!"

    The far-future cops run away from the rampaging future cop Frank Smith and his cohort Subaru Yamamoto. So far fisticuffs had gotten the two of them through the far-future police station without defeat. The police were weary and tired of the beat-down and were starting to flee wherever the two of them went. Fortunately for them the far-future cops had banned all weaponry from use within the station itself, meaning they were never attacked by anything other than human bodies.

    Then, a light pinged on the wall and a voice came through the speakers.

    Mystery Person: "Agent Smith, please report to Head Office."

    Frank Smith instantly snapped to attention and straightened up like a robot. He proceeded to walk towards Head Office without further word.

    Subaru: "Frank? You're actually going to obey the speaker?"

    Frank Smith: "Huh? Oh right. Sorry, old habits! Still, I think going to the Head Office is exactly what I should be doing. There I can clear this up once and for all!"

    Subaru: "I don't even know what you're trying to clear up. Fine. Let's go then we can get back to the past."

    They march to Head Office and Frank, still holding to old habits, knocks politely.

    Mystery Person: "Come in!"

    They go in and find the Mystery Person standing under a lamp of light in full view.

    Subaru: "Chronos. It really is you!"

    Chronos: "What? You thought there'd be some kind of twist where I'd been replaced as Mystery Person? I think the NeS has enough of those right now, don't you?"

    Frank Smith: "I want my name cleared!"

    Chronos: "Done."

    Frank Smith: "You can't sp-- wait, what?"

    Chronos: "Done ages ago."

    Frank Smith: "...really?"

    Chronos: "Clearly you were trying to get to the Far-Far Future. Well you've ended up in the Far-Far-FAR Future!"

    CynthAI: "Um... Oops?"

    Chronos: "In the Far-Far Future I actually was replaced, you rescue me and voilà, I'm in charge again. So, get your skates on and go back in time to rescue me!"

    Subaru: "Didn't you just, like, break million time rules?"

    Chronos: "Subaru, I basically WROTE the laws of time, okay? Just go do it. By the time you pair showed up, I was damned bored."

    Subaru: "If you're in such a telling mood, care to give us all of the exact details to save us a lot of messing about?"

    Frank Smith: "Well at least I know you didn't order my arrest, someone else did."

    Chronos: "I DID put the order for your arrest! You still messed up, Frank! You'd have been fined and put on probation for a decade. Then you could come back to work."

    Frank Smith:
    "Gee... thanks..."

    Chronos: "Just go and rescue me, you'll be exonerated. The Far-Far Future Cops will also stop hunting you down. To be honest, their zeal really wasn't my doing. You weren't that important."

    Frank Smith: "I'm... relieved? I guess?"

    Subaru: "Let's just get this over with. I'm already in way over my head."

    Frank Smith: "What's with your window, by the way? Usually we can see the planet through that."

    Chronos didn't look up.

    Chronos: "This station, as you know, is beyond time. We exist only partially within the real world, as you might call it. Out there... it's... all gone."

    Frank Smith: "What? How? What is that... darkness?"

    Chronos: "You'll find out soon enough when you return to the past."

    Subaru: "That doesn't bode well. Maybe I should stay here after all!"

    Chronos: "Just get moving! I told you I'm being held prisoner, didn't I!?"

    "But if you were replaced by someone else in the far-far future, doesn't that mean it is another twist in the story after all?"

    Chronos: "I told you in advance, so it's not a twist any more is it?"

    Subaru: "Pretty sure that's faulty logic. But fine. Let's go Frank."

    They enter another room where a bunch of very sore officers scowl at Subaru and Frank before strapping them into a time machine.

    Subaru: "Why are we in this machine? Why not just use CynthAI again?"

    Frank Smith: "Well... this machine is... safer."

    Subaru stares at Frank with dead-pan eyes.

    Frank Smith: "It's like using solar power or nuclear power. Usually you're fine with nuclear power but it could... y'know. So while we have access to this thing-!"

    Subaru: "You are so being removed from my list of people I trust, Frank!"

    Frank Smith: "I imagine that's a very small list for you, Subaru."

    The machine is suddenly propelled forward and they are both slammed back into their seats with the sudden acceleration. After a series of bright white lights and flashes they open their eyes to find themselves in the same room.

    Subaru: "We didn't go anywhere!"

    Two cops approach the capsule that Frank and Subaru inhabited. They look much meaner and are well-armed compared to the Far-Far-FAR Future Cops.

    Frank Smith: "Actually, I think it did work..."

  26. #1786
    Frank Smith: "Time to pull a cowboy rescue mission!"

    Just then, several more Far-Far-Future Time Cops surround them.

    Frank Smith: "The odds are against us, but we'll pull through!"

    Even more Far-Far-Future Time Cops surround them.

    Frank Smith: "Uh...time to make a tactical retreat--"

    The room fills to the brim with Far-Far-Future Time Cops, making the place rather claustrophobic.

    Frank Smith: "Oh come on now! Those guys in the back can't even shoot us without shooting the guys in front of them!"

    A foreboding voice crackles over the intercom.

    Foreboding Voice: "They're prepared to lay down their lives -- each other's if need be -- to neutralize you, Agent Franklin Smith."

    Subaru: "Yeesh, I'd hate to be in the front row..."

    Foreboding Voice: "Now then, won't you and your friend please allow yourselves to be escorted and have ourselves a civil conversation."

    Frank Smith: "Civil. Sure."

    The Far-Far Future Time Cops awkwardly maneuver around to file out of the room with their two escorts. A ridiculously-long brigade's worth of time cops march ahead, behind, to their sides, and in the case of the gravity boot-wearing cops, above them. As they march ahead, Subaru still manages to spot the space outside one of the windows.

    Subaru: "Are we orbiting Saturn?"

    Far-Far-Future Time Cop #1: In this point of the timeline, the station had to be relocated to orbit the Time Enforcement Agency's headquarters.

    Frank Smith: "I thought Ananke was the TEA HQ."

    Far-Far-Future Time Cop #1: "You're thinking of the Far-Far-Past."

    Subaru: "And when is that, exactly?"

    Frank Smith: "The Far-Far-Past. He just said it. Weren't you listening?"

    Suburu: "I'm going to hurt you so much when this is all over..."

    The brigade stops, with Subaru and Frank Smith nearby a door. Several time cops have to wedge on top of each other to allow them through the door. Frank Smith looks wistfully at the squished-together Time Cops.

    Frank Smith: "Shame I can't be in that man sandwich..."

    The two nearly fall into the new, dark room as the Time Cops push them (involuntarily) into it. For a moment, Frank Smith and Subaru are left in the pitch blackness. Then a spotlight effect illuminates a rather humanoid figure partially materialized.

    Frank Smith: "Chronos? You're the person behind the foreboding voice?"

    Humanoid Figure: "Can't you read the sign?"

    To his side, there is a screen which conveniently says "Far Future Guy" in glorious Comic Sans.

    Far Future Guy: "I'm told I should be here for something important."

    Another spotlight effect springs up, with a man in red attire.

    Subaru: "TLTE?"

    Man in Red: "The Very Last True Evil, thank you, and I too was told to arrive for something of importance."

    Several more lights illuminate, and three more figures stand visible before them.

    Frank Smith: "So many old guys..."

    Subaru: "Highemperor? Ahnuld?"

    Frank Smith: "...and a robot."

    Subaru: "Galvatron?"

    Foreboding Voice: "What? No! I'm going to fire the receptionist..."

    Galvatron of Transformers-fame suddenly disintegrates in a flashy show of time-tossing, and in his place steps forth...

    Suburu: "Galvatron?"

    ...of NeS-fame! History has not been kind to him, however, having been absorbed and brutally cleaved apart some story-arcs ago.

    Galvatron: "Yes! I've taken charge of the TEA and gathered with me my fellow time-traveling brethren so that they may witness your arrest and terminal sentence. You've been a problem for us all, Agent Frank Smith, but no more!"

    Subaru: "What a bunch of knock-off chumps..."

    Galvatron: "What?"

    Subaru: "Nothing. Can I leave, then?"

    Galvatron: "No, you have to die too. Sorry."

    Subaru: "You're not sorry!"

    Frank Smith: "Thanks a lot for sticking by my side..."

    Subaru: "Sorry."

    Frank Smith: "You're not sorry!"

    Galvatron: "Stop interrupting the moment!"

    Frank Smith: "Sorry."

    Galvatron: "You're not sorry!"

    Raising his arm, Galvatron charges a deadly arm-cannon towards them.

    Subaru: "What gives? What'd he ever do to you all, anyway?"

    Galvatron: "You broke Chronos -- the person you were supposed to arrest -- out of jail!"

    Frank Smith: "I think you mean will break Chronos out of jail. Besides, I still fail to see why you all care."

    Galvatron: "Didn't you ever wonder what crime Chronos committed that required her, the head of the Time Enforcement Agency, to be arrested? Five pages from now, she--"

    The Very Last True Evil: "Less talking, more killing!"

    Galvatron: "Wait!"

    The shots start to fire.
    Last edited by Gebohq; 08-04-2014 at 10:34 PM.

  27. #1787
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow The Thief that Stole Time

    Memory Lane - Page #40
    Meanwhile, within the Hall of Heroes, Gebohq continues recounting his memories of his college times, skipping down memory lane with a child-like glee. Most everyone else had grown bored though, and went off to do their own things within the Hall of Heroes. Only Krig was nearby, still doing the occasional cartwheel in his underwear.


    *from down a hallway unseen* AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

    Startled, and worried about his sister's scream, Gebohq shoots up and runs towards the source, Krig cartwheeling behind.

    When he arrives, he finds Losien looking terrified at something inside the closet in front of her. Janitor Bob is next to her, his expression grim. Purevil, Ford, and a few others are also standing nearby, having arrived at the scene like Gebohq, with the other heroes continuing to congregate.

    Geb: What is it, Los?

    Losien: It's Galvatron!

    To most everyone's surprise, Galvatron sits bound by rope and gagged. Ford whistles innocently.

    J-Bob: What I found most odd is that Galvatron seems to have been bound and gagged recently.

    Ford: What? Really?

    J-Bob: Yes. Not only that, but his main CPU chip from his head is missing.

    Maybe: Looks like we all should start searching for Galv's CPU chip then.

    But I like skipping down memory lane! Just call me if you need me or something: I have more flashbacks to remember still.

    Maybe: Fine, whatever. For those of you actually interested in doing something useful, meet up with me and we'll form a search party.

    Kyle: But this place is HUGE! And with lots of spooky and creepy rooms to look in, like Geb's *shudders*

    MZZT: A mystery to solve, wheee!


    Suddenly the NeS Heroes are frozen in state, the non-Hero, however, is left to roam free.

    Purevil: "What the buggery is going on here?"

    "Alright lads. Book 'im."

    Time Cops burst onto the scene, led by Chronos herself, and dive on Purevil.

    Purevil: "Ack! Who're you guys!? What're you doing with me!?"

    Past (but also future) Frank Smith: "You're nicked, kiddo. Breaking numerous time laws. Not to mention hanging around these hero-types without probable cause."

    Chronos: "I'm afraid you're going away for a very long time, Purevil."

    Purevil: "B-B-But--! I didn't know I was breaking the law!"

    Chronos: "Ignorance is hardly an excuse, is it? Take 'im away."

    Past (but also future) Frank Smith: "Come on, lad. Let's find you a nice cell-mate, shall we? There's a chap that can see time and space through his the big toe on his right foot. I think you'd like him!"

    Purevil: "Nooooooooooooooo!"

    Chronos: "I'll close up shop here, guys. I've got to wipe this memory from Memory Lane so we don't confuse anyone reading it. Looks like my uncle is about to lead the current narrative down his own memory lane of college."

    Past (but also future) Frank Smith: "Uh... right-oh, boss. No idea what you're talking about, but right-oh!"

    The Time Cops zip out of existence, taking the time-displaced Purevil with them. Explaining why he never seemed to show up after Page #40.

    Chronos raises her arm to wipe out the memory when she spies several figures in the distance. Chronos trickles into invisibility, a power she rarely feels the need to use since becoming Chronos. She watches the group. Losien has gone through the memory-portal to Page #50, leaving the rest behind.

    Apple: "I really don't want to do this."

    Master Thand: "All of your answers lie just beyond this portal. Everything in your short characterhood has led to this moment. Your very own big reveal."

    Apple: "But..."

    Master Thand: "I admit that I have always groomed you in the direction that I desired, Apple. Just as I did with Amal, here. Not everyone appreciates my methods-"

    Thand now glances at TLTE, briefly.

    Master Thand: "-but I always have my reasons. I do not do things arbitarily. There is a path and this is yours. You will return, I'm sure, wiser and rejoin the cast of characters."

    Apple looks at the other heroes, as if for the first time. She realises that she had come to accept that she had joined their group, despite initially being dead set against it. She didn't know what it would mean to be a proper character, or even if she actually would be granted that honour when she returned. But the prospect of being a part of the cast of characters suddenly seemed like an all important task. A warmth flushes through her cheeks. She nods and without another word, she turns and leaps into the gateway.

    Master Thand: "Enjoy reliving old memories, Rosebud?"

    Chronos frowns. Master Thand from Memory Lane had turned around to face her, Chronos, from the future - despite the invisibility. Chronos peers over Thand's shoulder to see the rest of the Heroes captivated with the memory-portal.

    Chronos: "Talking to you would break a lot of laws of time, you know?"

    Master Thand: "Come now, we both know those rules were meant to be broken."

    Chronos: "All of this... seems so long ago."

    Master Thand: "For you, I rather imagine it was. I say this rarely, as you know, but I am proud of what you became."

    Chronos: "Not exactly comforting, but thank you... Master."

    Master Thand: "I remember when you used to call me father..."

    Chronos: "I found my real father, remember? Besides... I don't think that girl exists anymore..."

    Master Thand: "And is this a good thing?"

    Chronos: "Probably. I was always super naughty."

    Master Thand: "Yes. Yes you were. I recall a time when you painted the walls of my study in pink and yellow..."

    Chronos grins.

    Chronos: "And I turned invisible for three weeks. Stealing pies that were supposed to be Amal's."

    Master Thand: "When was the last time you smiled like that?"

    Her face fell again.

    Master Thand: "I told the truth when I said I was proud of you, Rosebud. And rarely am I sentimental... but I would be prouder if you were enjoying your existence."

    Chronos: "I can't return to my old ways now, Master. I have... a responsibility."

    Master Thand: "But perhaps you can heal the wounds of your past? I find that broken-hearted characters often have unresolved issues from their narrative history..."

    Chronos: "Perhaps you're right. As always. I'll think on it. You should get back before someone notices you missing."

    Master Thand: "Ours is a strange tale, my girl. Once I was Soriel, a young and violent murderer. You, a young and petulant cut-throat. Somehow, behind me,our destinies entwined before we were then, once again, entwined at different stages of our life-cycles. Myself, the Potential of Soriel, became the guardian of your own unPotential self, Apple. Yet, here we both now stand. Older. Yet you still have development issues. Resolve them. Complete your narrative."

    Chronos: "I imagine you're completing yours as we speak?"

    Master Thand: "I have my schemes, girl. Then again, being the keeper of time, perhaps you already know them and the end result?"

    Chronos taps her nose.

    Chronos: "Even you can't get that information out of me."

    She takes a step back.

    Chronos: "Goodbye. Dad."

    She blossoms in a golden shower of light as she exists Memory Lane and forces herself through time. She reappears back in the TEA HQ and slumps down in her seat.

    The irony of an assassin and thief becoming the Head of the Time Enforcement Agency is laughable. How did this even happen?

    She whips out her future GameBoy, the name of which I'm far too lazy to make-up, and begins to play some future iteration of Pokémon, which, of course, is a game that will last forever. She does this to think, take her mind away and separate it from the real world around her. She chews her lip in contemplation.

    Chronos: "Stupid Gengar..."

    Voice: "Don't even think about doing it."

    Chronos slowly turns to see... herself.

    Far-Far-FAR Future Chronos: "Obviously, you know I wouldn't be here unless I absolutely had to be. And I'm telling you... do NOT go there and do what you're thinking of doing. It'll end up an absolute mess and get you into a heap of trouble."

    Chronos: "...but if you're warning me then I can change the future, right? This heap of trouble can be averted?"

    Far-Far-FAR Future Chronos: "Instead of plotting some way of getting out of trouble because of you're stupid actions, just don't DO the stupid action!"

    Chronos: "Thanks for the heads-up future me!"

    Far-Far-FAR Future Chronos: "I get the feeling things are going to work out exactly the same..."

    Chronos: "Give me SOME credit, c'mon! Get out of here before I arrest you for breaking a multitude of time laws."

    A dazzling light and she is gone, leaving Chronos to contemplate her own scheme. She clearly learnt her plotting-skills from Arkng Thand and never really managed to shake them. Though Thand tended not to play Pokémon to scheme to. He preferred Pacman. She bashes a button on her desk, summoning Frank Smith.
    In India, deep in the trenches, Totallyevil, High Imp and Qhobeg #1 are getting drunk. Stalin's Clone's Ghost is attempting to get drunk, but has no actual physical body to absorb the alcohol with.

    The underground trench chamber shakes as another storm of "death from above" rains down upon no-man's land above the drinkers. Hitler's Maid's Ghost's Ghost Cat meows softly in kitty-panic. The drinkers all stare at the cat in surprise. Then continue drinking their sorrows.

    Totallyevil: "I could have been somebody! Why wasn't I evil enough!?"

    Qhobeg #1: "Calm down, Totally. At least Readers like you! It's why you show up even after all this time."

    Totallyevil: "And now I feel old. Thanks."

    Qhobeg #1: "Only narratively."

    Totallyevil: "That's supposed to be better?"

    Stalin's Ghost's Clone: "We need to get that Highempress out here to do her own battles! We can't win against Nyktelios without her."

    High Imp: "Do we want to?"

    The others look at High Imp and then huddle conspiratorial - a sensation Stalin's Ghost's Clone enjoyed immensely as it kindled the inner Communist conspirator within him.

    High Imp: "Why would we want to help Highempress? Better if she, and this Nyktelios, were both eliminated from the picture. There'll be a big power vacuum with them gone and plenty of villains to make their claims."

    Stalin's Ghost's Clone: "I could rule the U.S.S.R.!"

    Qhobeg #1: "I could get England!"

    Totallyevil: "Already planning to backstab King John?"

    Qhobeg #1 looks down guiltily.

    Totallyevil puts a hand on his shoulder.

    Totallyevil: "You're final a true bad guy now, Qhobeg. That's the spirit!"

    Qhobeg #1 brightens.

    Enter Frank Smith - NeS2 Page #41, NeS2 Post #1609

    Mysterious Person: "Welcome back, Agent Smith."

    Frank Smith, Time Cop, stands before a shadowy figure; the Head of TEA. Frank is a 40-year old man looking a little rough around the edges, a little grey and a few crags in his face. But he's fit, strong and healthy and, above all, good at his job.

    Mysterious Person: "I was impressed with your actions during that last time rift. A difficult situation but you got it resolved. Even if you did have to pick them up one-by-one."

    The Mysterious Person is sat in oh-so-convenient shadows to hide their face. Their face is computerised, but advanced enough to almost sound real - within that uncanny valley. The life and history of the Mysterious Person has never been revealed to any Time Cop.

    Frank Smith: "I'm just sorry I couldn't have done better, Sir. That Arena situation was a real mess, craziness everywhere. God knows where they all came from."

    Mysterious Person: "Careful, Agent Smith. You don't want to attract any undue attention from He Who Must Not Have His Name Taken in Vain."

    Frank Smith: "That's a bit of a mouthful, Sir."

    Mysterious Person: "That's what she said!! Ha! Zing!!!"

    Frank Smith: "..."

    Mysterious Person: "Oh. You're gay, right? So... that's what HE said?"

    Frank Smith:

    Mysterious Person: "No? Not cool?"

    Frank Smith: "Sir, for a mysterious, ominous, shadowy dude you're kind of a jerk."

    Mysterious Person: "Yeah... that's what living over a thousand years does to you."

    Frank Smith:"Good God! You're a thousand years old!?"

    Mysterious Person: "Ack! Agent Smith. Don't say HWMNHHNTiV!"

    Frank Smith: "Did you really just use that abbreviation, Sir? How are you qualified to be the Head of this organisation again?"

    Mysterious Person: "Because I'm stupidly old. Anyway, doesn't matter. Let's get on with this. You've got a new job! Happy!?"

    Frank Smith: "Well... yeah. Weird question."

    Mysterious Person: "Look, word around the TEA is that you're having a mid-life crisis. So I thought this would give you something to focus on. A bit of detective work, you know?"

    Frank Smith: "I'm not having a mid-life crisis!"

    Mysterious Person: "You left your husband and ran off with a lad twenty years younger than you."

    Frank Smith: "So!? That's my personal life!"

    Mysterious Person: "You bought a motorbike."

    Frank Smith: "Motorbike's are cool!"

    Mysterious Person: "At forty?"

    Frank Smith: "... Damn."

    Mysterious Person: "So, let's get you your mojo back! You're to travel 1000 years into the past. We have a bit of a situation with a time-warp entity."

    Frank Smith: "Ah. Someone outside of time? Do you want me to return them to their own time or bring them back here?"

    Mysterious Person: "It's a special case, Agent Smith. Bring them back here."

    Frank Smith: "Any information on the target?"

    Mysterious Person: "I'm afraid not. That'd be too easy for you then."

    Frank Smith: "... You mean you're not going to tell me?"

    Mysterious Person: "That's right! I want you to really be geared u after this mission. Back on track, you know?"

    Frank Smith: "... and what happens if I don't get... back on track?"

    Mysterious Person: "Your new boytoy likes having his sugar daddy wealthy, right?"

    Frank Smith: "Right. Understood. I'll get this done and prove my head's in the right place."

    Mysterious Person:
    "Brilliant. See you in a few seconds, Agent Smith!"

    By that, of course, the Mysterious Person actually meant seconds for his time, but not the time for Frank -- which could take weeks.

    Mysterious Person: "I'm pretty sure the readers could understand that for themselves, Narrator!"

    What the--!? Even newbie shadow characters get to talk back to me now!? There's just no respect for Narrators these days...

    Mysterious Person: "There's more than one? You mean we have a choice of Narrator!?"

    Moving on--

    Agent Frank Smith, Time Cop, sat in the roller coaster machine and pressed a few buttons. The machine belches a lot of steam before it slowly starts to move forward a couple of inches. Then, suddenly, it bursts forward at such a speed it was gone in an instant. The only trace was a loud groaning noise that fades in and out until silence finally fills the Time Room.

    Mysterious Person: "Alright... back to playing Pokémon Genesis X568 Infinite Colours."

    Chronos chews her lip as she plays, her indecision climaxing within her head.
    High Imp: "We convince Highempress that we'll help her directly, all of us plus her should prove too much for Nyktelios alone. They're completely evenly matched so they should strike each other out - so long as we betray Highempress and fall back at the last minute. Leaving them both to it."

    Totallyevil: "Sounds risky. They've fought before. How do we know they'll cancel each other out this time?"

    High Imp: "I feel a narrative convergence coming on."

    Totallyevil: "That could be anything."

    High Imp: "Do you have anything else pressing happening in your life, Totallyevil?"

    Totallyevil: "Don't get an attitude with me, bat-boy. I haven't forgotten how you kidnapped me to Hell just so you could trick that red-hair character to come stomping in after me."

    Chronos: "Where he injected Highemperor's DNA into me, thinking I'd give birth to some kind of evil super child..."

    Stalin's Clone's Ghost: "Where did she come from?"

    Totallyevil: "And who is she?"

    Chronos points at Totallyevil.

    Chronos: "You. Note for your future self. Get adopted son out of time prison."

    Totallyevil: "WTF!?"

    Chronos swings her finger back round to High Imp.

    High Imp: "It was a long time ago. Like a whole Story Arc has gone by since then."

    Qhobeg #1: "Uh... if we let you kill High Imp, will you spare the rest of us?"

    High Imp: "You little--!"

    Chronos: "I'm not here to kill you, High Imp."

    High Imp: "Usually I'd find that comforting, but you didn't come across time-and-space to chat about old times, did you?"

    Chronos: "I was once a thief. Before you happened to me."

    High Imp: "And now you're Ms Time Master. Kind of a step up, don't you think? Besides, you would never have happened at all if it weren't for me!"

    High Imp catches the blank gazes of those around him.

    High Imp: "So yes, I impregnated her with Al Ciao's DNA. But Evil G added in Losien Simon's DNA so it was fifty-fifty who would be the father. But the mother... well she's her own mother. Losien turned out to be the father. Then she was lost through time and became her own Potential, which is what you see here. Everyone on track?"

    The three villains continue to stare blankly.

    Qhobeg #1 slowly raises his hand to ask a question.

    Chronos: "Can I please finish? They don't need to know my backstory, okay? Now... where was I? I rehearsed all this before coming here! Ah! Right! I was once a thief, you know? And so now... I'm here to steal from you."

    High Imp shot to his feet. Once he was supremely powerful and reckoned he stood against even a mistress of time, but now he is weakened with nothing to defend himself save his desperate words.

    High Imp: "What're you talking about? I have nothing left! Nothing for you to steal!"

    Chronos: "Except for one thing I deal in directly. Time."

    The world around Chronos freezes as she stares at High Imp. Vengeance. That is what she needed. She closes her eyes and the process begins. The world around her physical form wobbles, then shakes violently but she is unmoving. Then the physical world begins to peel like old wallpaper as she sucks in the time-stream, absorbing time's existence through the trench. The battlefield. And finally India ceases to exist, along with everything that was once in it.


    Al Ciao the Writer: "Whoa! Dude! Did you just wiped out one of the world's largest countries? Not to mention the second-largest population!"

    Britt the Writer: "Well... you know how it goes..."

    Gebohq the Writer: "Bugger that! You just wiped out 99% of all remaining NeS villains!!"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Priorities Geb. You need them."


    Standing on a single pillar of land that juts out of the Indian ocean (which is still 'filling up' the space left by the former land mass), all that remains of India, Chronos feels her body begin to convulse as it struggles to contain all of the time she had just swallowed. The time streams of so many powerful villains, the time streams of all the innocent people of India, the time streams of both Highempress and Nyktelios. The plot-holes forming within her, the narrative-breakers, the story-enders and the complete mess of things she'd made all well up within her.

    She'd only meant to consume the single time-stream of High Imp, but somehow wound up with so much more. She staggers backwards in pain, only to fall and suddenly plummet towards the roiling ocean below!

    As she falls the world around her begins to shake and then - poof. She vanishes out of time.


    Britt the Legend: Chapter Sixteen

    Adélaide: "And this! This is my ultimate invention! I call it-- an umbrella! It keeps you dry in the rain! I am such a GENIUS!"

    Britt: "Yes. Yes you are. I hope you're planning to make a lot of money from all of this."

    Adélaide fires her plot-hole gun and steps through it to reach the other side of the small space.

    Britt: "How did you get so lazy? You really shouldn't keep using that thing. I really get a strong feeling that it's going to end badly if you do."

    Adélaide: "You really worry far too much, dear Britt! I'm far too much of a genius for something to go so drastically wrong!"

    "Don't do it! Don't fire that gun after stating those exact words!"

    Adélaide sighs and shakes her head with amusement. She fires the gun.

    There's a horrible warping noise that suddenly grinds within their heads. Britt would have said "I told you so" but he was too busy crying out in agony. The world began to shake violently, yet nothing was falling over. It was like he was in a painting that was being shook.

    Then everything fell still. With the sudden stop he felt like he would throw up.

    Adélaide: "There. See? We're fine! Nothing bad happened!"

    Britt: "If you ever do that again, Adélaide, I'll disown you."

    Adélaide: "That's not very nice. I-- Who's that?"

    Britt and Adélaide stood over an unconscious woman robed in black. Her hair was also black but with shocks of bright red streaking through it in a fashion well beyond the time period.

    She opened her eyes and there, within the orbs, was another world. Another world that was constantly shaking just like theirs had when this woman arrived.

    "I really should have listened to my Far-Far-FAR Future Self... At least I sent Frank Smith to meet my father. Outside of events, he'll be able to get me out of this mess... eventually..."
    Last edited by TheBritt; 08-11-2014 at 01:34 PM.

  28. #1788


    Save your breath -- you're not needed right now.


    The story still shows up as an active thread, and that wacky British writer posts like it's going out of fashion. Come to think of it, even if that wasn't the case, the desire for B.U.M.P.'s are falling out of vogue.


    Then again, perhaps if we made B.U.M.P. the main character of NeS--

    Britt the Writer: "Hey!"

    Geb the Writer: "Uh-oh..."

    Britt the Writer: "Why don't you write an actual contribution to the story?"

    Geb the Writer: "I, uh... have to clean"

    And Geb the Writer promptly runs away, leaving Britt the Writer alone once more.

  29. #1789

    Calls to Fortune

    Meanwhile (NeS count: higher than the odds of actually winning a national multi-millions lottery), the person in charge of contacting the winner of the Hundred Million Euro National Lottery hangs up after the third failed attempt to reach the next winner in line for the lottery. This person calling, of course, happens to be none other than Ricky, and turns her attention to a hand-written list of people with phone numbers next to them, the following names crossed off: Mecha Lou, Caspian Sinclair, Benjamin Majir. She sighs as she dials the next number, and blinks in surprise when a voice actually responds on the other end.

    Voice: "Hullo?"

    Ricky: "May I speak to Anthony William Blaze?"

    The scene changes to see the person on the other end of the line, the now-NeSferatu Tony. A very annoyed Nyneve stands beside him, having paused in her continued attempt to persuade Young to her side.

    Tony: "Speaking."

    Nyneve: "Ahem..."

    Tony doesn't respond, though, as his jaw drops from what he hears over his phone.

    Nyneve: "Do you mind?"


    Nyneve: "Uh..."

    Tony: "I'll be there right away! Thank you!"

    He turns off his phone and starts running out the door.

    Nyneve: "Come back here!"

    Tony: "Hell no! I just won a hundred million euros, so suck it!"

    Nyneve stares at him intently.

    Nyneve: "What did you say?"

    Tony: "I mean metaphorically this time. I know last time I said that, you took it literal and sucked out my blood--"

    Nyneve: "Before that."

    Tony: "I, uh, won a hundred million euros?"

    Nyneve: "You mean your NeSferatu family won a hundred million euros."

    Tony: "Over my dead body!"

    Nyneve: "I'm glad you agree."

    Tony: "But...but..."

    Nyneve: "I'll reward you well for your generous contribution. Haven't you always wanted to be a... commander?"

    Tony: "Commander, you say? That has a nice ring to it. Commander K--"

    Nyneve: "Keep an eye on Young, ward, while the three of us make a withdrawl."

    Young: "Why do you even need money?"

    Nyneve: "Even the vampiric undead have to pay rent, dear. At least for now..."

    Nyneve drags Young to her feet as the three make their way to collect their winnings...


    Elsewhere, as Polly Simon and Lady Lightside watch Mecha Lou work her magic (literally) on the broken portal to the former Hall of Heroes, Gebohq rummages through the dying embers of the ex-Simon Estate for anything else to salvage. In his search, he stumbles across the answering machine, still in surprisingly working order. He presses the play button, his face turning to horror as he listens to the message from his current employer at Cambridge. He immediately calls the university, sweat breaking out on his face.

    The scene splits to show Professor #2, Gebohq's superior and once-interviewer, as she answers the phone.

    Professor #2: "Hello, you've reached the Cambridge Law Department, to whom am I speaking to?"

    Gebohq: "This is Gebohq! I called as soon as I could--"

    Professor #2: "Ah, Professor Ohq! I assure you that Sir Couchman already called on your behalf."

    Gebohq: "He did?"

    Professor #2: "Oh yes! He officially called to inform us of his unfortunate resignation due to his new duties as Lord Chamberlain to the Queen of England, and in the process, also informed us about your recent actions."

    Gebohq: "Listen, about that--"

    Professor #2: "Acting defending lawyer for your own sister in Losien v. The Potentials -- you should have told us you still had an interest in the field! The students will benefit greatly from the experience!"

    Gebohq: "The experience?"

    Professor #2: "Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself. While Sir Couchman spoke highly of your performance in the trial, he also let us know that you would need time off for your fiancee's expecting child. Congratulations!"

    Gebohq: "Wha...I--er--thank you."

    Professor #2: "Of course! I didn't quite understand when Sir Couchman said you expected to be back to work quote "after page 50" unquote but I took that to mean you still needed some time yet. Please send us the paperwork for the time off, Professor Ohq, and we'll hear from you shortly, yes?"

    Gebohq: "Uh, yes, of course."

    Professor #2: "Excellent! I must confess, things were not looking good for you, but from what I can tell, you've doing quite well now. I hope to see even more greatness from you when you return. Until then, have a good day!"

    Gebohq: "You too..."

    He stares off into space, almost not hearing his mother calling him over.

    Polly Simon: "Gebby, dear!"

    Gebohq: "Huh? Sorry -- yes, mom?"

    Polly Simon: "Come quick! You're needed to carry the pod again!"

    Gebohq: "Coming! I can't believe I haven't been caught in my heroism yet."

    He runs over to the statis pod of Miss Fire as Mecha Lou weaves the final stabilization needed for the portal.

    Lady Lightside: "Do you think we'll save her in time?"

    Gebohq: "I hope so..."

  30. #1790

    The Real Treasure?

    Meanwhile (NeS count: dem monies), back in the Armenian palace...

    Al Ciao: "So this is the treasury room."

    Oppo the Mental: "Yes, sir."

    Al Ciao: "The room where one keeps treasures."

    Oppo the Mental: "Yes, sir."

    Al Ciao: "And there's no mistake that this is the one and only treasury room in this palace."

    Oppo the Mental: "Yes, sir?"


    The Otter: "Maybe the royal line went broke after you left?"

    Maybechild: "Or they knew to value bonds with family over material wealth."

    Al Ciao: "CURSES! If there's anything they should have had ingrained in their heads, it should have been accumulating wealth and power!"

    Maybechild: "Didn't you forsake all that for friends and family?"

    Al Ciao: "I, uh, just seek a different kind of wealth and power now... besides, it's in our royal family motto, established by the Great Catherine the First herself! 'Wealth and Power Above All!'"

    The Otter: "My family motto was "Invest In Natural Deodorant" -- ol' Badger was ahead of his time.

    Maybechild: "Pretty sure "dead rodent scent" isn't ever going to catch on."

    The Otter: "Yet!"

    Al Ciao: "Well heirlooms aren't going to pay off my child support! Oppo, search for the scent again! If I know my lineage, they probably just thought to hide the REAL treasury better, masking it behind layers of deadly hex magic bound by pieces of their soul or something."

    Maybechild: "That's a stupid idea, Al. There's no reason to think a powerful royal family would go to such lengths just to pocket away some extra cash."

    The Otter: "I think we should have Oppo sniff out for deadly hexes. The real treasury is probably hidden behind powerful magic."

    Maybechild: "Otter, that's a surprisingly good idea! Let's do that."

    Al Ciao: "I just suggested that!"

    Maybechild: "Suggested what?"

    Al Ciao: "Ugh, nevermind..."
    Last edited by Gebohq; 09-08-2014 at 12:24 PM.

  31. #1791

    Soul Searching

    Deep under the desert island surrounded by the vast sea that is the Sahara, two figures continue to examine over the lifeless clone bodies of an ancient Cult of X seer. One of the figures, Suzy X, is herself one of the clones given life, and the other is Britt, possessing the body of Antestarr, tapping his chin in thought.

    Antestarr (Britt): "Living as a woman could have its pros..."

    Suzy X: "I'm certain Aetas X would be happy to know she was finally one with you."

    Antestarr (Britt): "Right, that settles it -- I'm not living in any of these bodies!"

    Suzy X: "I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice."

    She holds up her ceremonial knife in a threatening manner.

    Antestarr (Britt): "I bested your predecessor, I think I can--"

    He stumbles in place, grabbing onto a nearby ledge so as to not fall flat on his face.

    Suzy X: "You're but a very groggy spirit, puppeteering a body that should by all accounts be dead. You need to inhabit a healthy body soon, or else you'll be stuck forever in a husk. Immortality can have its drawbacks."

    Antestarr (Britt): "I could--consume your bloodink... Wait, why did I just say that?"

    Suzy X: "You wouldn't."

    Britt's spirit jerks partly out of Antestarr's body as it lunges towards Suzy X, fangs bared for her neck. She struggles against Antestarr's primal power. Britt's spirit attempts to pull Antestarr away, succeeding once in jerking them all against the edge of the pool of clones. Her knife slits across Antestarr's forearm, spilling tea-bloodink across one of the clone bodies. The struggle continues as the tea-bloodink infuses into the clone body and pool. Britt's spirit, against the edge of the pool, pulls with all his incorporeal might to fully possess Antestarr's body once more. Antestarr's grip on Suzy X loosens as he is held back further by Britt, allowing Suzy to step back and ready her knife for a killing blow.

    Suzy X: "I'm sorry, Britt."

    Antestarr (Britt): "What? No!"

    In a moment of confusion, Britt's ghostly grip slips, himself falling back into the blood-infused clone while Antestarr lunges forward, catching Suzy X off-guard, his fangs driving deep into her neck. Having only gained any conscious control himself at that point, Antestarr's eyes widen at what he's done...

    Slowly, Antestarr stands back up, staring at the corpse at his feet as he wipes the blood from his mouth. He spins around as one of the clone bodies rises from the pool, the clone in turn drawing her attention to Antestarr.

    Antestarr: "So should I call you Brittania, then?"

    Brittania: "No, just Britt--what the--IT'S BEEN MADE MY NAMETAG ALREADY?!"

    Antestarr: "The writers are bastards like that."

    Brittania: "You're the one who suggested it!"

    Antestarr: "You know I didn't have a choice..."

    A moment passes where Brittania and Antestarr stand in silence.

    Antestarr: "I haven't forgotten what you've told me."

    Brittania: "Good. All the same, I think I'd rather put some distance between us. At least a few hundred miles. File a restraining order--"

    Antestarr: "You might want to put some clothes on first."

    Brittania: "I'll put on clothes when I'm bloody ready!"
    Last edited by Gebohq; 09-19-2014 at 03:02 PM.

  32. #1792
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Brittania: I know you're dead, Ante, but I didn't realize you were THAT bloody dead. This body is pretty hot. I'm getting turned on by it myself!

    Antestarr: That's exactly the problem! You're a MAN in a hot chick's body! It's just disturbing!

    Rob X: What the hell is going on here?

    Brittania and Antestarr whirl to see Rob X returning from his fruitless chase of TLTE to stare aghast at Suzy X's corpse. Britt and Ante instantly point fingers at each other.

    Brittania/Antestarr: He did it!

    Brittania: It's his fang marks on her!

    Antestarr: He was possessing me at the time!

    Brittania: Right, like you wouldn't have done it anyway!

    Rob X: The new seer is born! All hail the new seer?

    Ante and Britt break off their accusations to stare at him.

    Brittania: Huh?
    Ante nudges Britt.

    Antestarr: I think he means you.

    A light bulb goes off in Britt's head. He briefly recalls Adelaide and her invention.

    Brittania: Er, yes! All hail, er, Brittania X!

    Rob X: All hail!

    Random cultists appear from nowhere. They're extras hired from the streets to play the roles of Britt's new stooges.

    X Cultists: All hail!

    Brittania X: This gig might not be so bad after all. Alright, you folks, my first order is this: GET HIM!

    Antestarr: Buggery.


    In Big Ben, our heroes are trying to cope with their new undead roomies in a space much smaller than the HHoH. They soldier through, however, and just as Polly, Lady Lightside, Geb (carrying Miss Fire's pod), Miss Fire (being carried in her pod by Geb), and Mecha Lou come through the repaired portal, TLTE comes in, carrying the rescued baby Chance.

    Evil G: Son!

    In a surprisingly tender moment, he rushes over to take his baby boy from TLTE's arms, and rocks him in his arms. Even Rachel doesn't have the heart to make fun of his mushiness.

    Rachel: I knew you were just a big ol' teddy bear, Evil G.

    Well, at least not for a few seconds.

    Evil G: Oh shut up. I might kick puppies, but babies is where I draw the line. Unlike Little Miss Preggo-with-her-snack here.

    Lady Lightside's eyes well up with tears, but Evil G smirks, his bad-boy smart-arse status restored despite his cradling a baby in his arms. Iriana awkwardly pats her stepmother's back and shoots a glare at Evil G.

    Polly: So! I see Losien and her... suitor... are in the same room now. So tell me, Los honey, how do you feel about him?


  33. #1793
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    in the Armenian palace, currently on its side in the middle of a busy London intersection, Al Ciao, Otter, Maybe, and various other Remembered Forces stand in front of a sealed vault door. Oppo the Mental, ghost-tethered to Al, floats around.

    Al: Excellent sniffing out of this hidden door, Oppo!

    Pleased with the praise, Oppo happily begins suckling the metal toes of a statue of armor.

    Maybe: Hmm, I'd suspect that there would be TONS of traps. All deadly and devious.

    Al: Indeed! But they will be keyed to let a member of the royal bloodline though. Watch this!

    Moments later, Al and the Remembered Forces are screaming bloody murder and running half-blindly around the place. They are, variously, burnt, bruised, battered, bombarded by bees, or assaulted by constipated diseased epileptic monkeys named Sam. Oppo is just fine, however, being intangible, and is happily munching on the toes of a monkey assaulting Otter.

    Otter: Wow, what a GREAT idea, Al!

    Al: Hey, how was I to know there's not enough blood in my cyborg form to register on ancient steampunk sensors?

    Maybe: Why couldn't you have just forgotten this stupid idea of yours to look for a genuine family vault?!

    Al: What, NOW you give me credit for the idea?
    Last edited by Al Ciao; 09-29-2014 at 11:10 AM.

  34. #1794
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    An indeterminate while later, the traps are spent, and Otter has turned the bees on the diseased constipated epileptic monkeys named Sam, leaving our heroes safe, if tattered.

    Maybe: Way to go, Otter!


    Al Ciao: What about me? I torched several bees with my Go Go Gadget Flamethrower--

    Maybe: Don't say it!

    WHOOSH! Several Remembered Forces find their hair burned off. Al looks sheepish.

    Al: Oops?

    Maybe smacks him upside the head. Otter surveys the cyborg with new respect.

    Otter: You have earned Maybe-smackee status, Al. I hope you appreciate what you've accomplished.

    Maybe rolls her eyes, then takes a survey of the now-opened treasure vault.

    Maybe: So what do you have here? Gold, gems - and beehives and bananas?

    Al: Those aren't just any beehives. These rare Armenian bees produce not mere honey, but divine ambrosial nectar!

    Maybe: Oh? What does it do? Grant immortality? Bestow super strength? Act like a Liquid Luck potion from Harry Potter?

    Al: No, that's silly. It's alcoholic honey!

    Otter surveys the beehives with new interest.

    Otter: That IS divine nectar!

    Maybe smacks him upside the head.

    Maybe: No, Otter.

    Otter: Aw, but--

    Maybe: I said NO! Go over there and stand in the corner. Now, Al, what's so special about these bananas?

    Al: Um, I dunno, they're a good source of potassium?

    Maybe arches her eyebrow.

    Al: Hey it's not my fault King Ustav the Osteoporosic had a banana fetish. Plus it kept the monkeys in there as fierce guardians.

  35. #1795
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow hiccup!

    Jack Jackson (some parents are cruel) is staring at his computer screen. He had just decided to buy the plane tickets to get him to France so that he could finally marry his French girlfriend and make the final movie to that most wonderful European city. But something stopped from from actually making that final purchase.

    He stares at the screen for a long moment, his thought process dwindling. His fingers twitch and shift until he brings up a new webpage. PINterest pops up and suddenly he's adding pictures of cats, bewbs and places he'll never visit to his PINs. He adds France.

    Thrawn42689: "Another one contained, Mr President."

    Arkng Thand: "Very good..."

    Britt the Legend: Chapter Seventeen

    Chronos: "Gimme a pain-killer."

    The dark, mysterious woman is clutching her skull and swaying from side-to-side.

    Britt: "How much did you drink, lady!? You don't want any more!"

    Chronos: "More drink? I want a bloody pain killer!"

    "That's the only pain killer I know of."

    Chronos: "Are you being serious? Where the Hell am I? A trailer park?"

    Britt: "I have no idea what that means, but I'm sure someone was offended by that remark."

    Chronos: "Who're you supposed to be?"

    Britt: "I'm supposed to be Britt. Although, to be fair, sometimes I do have to wonder."

    Adélaide: "I'm Adélaide Simonier. Britt is my great-great-great-great-great--"

    Britt: "Not necessary, Adél."

    Chronos: "Right. Well whatever your, evidently, weird relationship is, why don't you fetch me a drink out of that fridge."


    Adélaide runs over to her fridge and spreads her arms wide to block Chronos from accessing it. Even though Chronos didn't make a move.

    Adélaide: "How do you know about my fridge!!!!?"


    Britt: "She's a troubled child."

    Chronos: "Clearly."

    Britt: "But, to be honest, how did you know about the refrigerator?"

    "Okay wait. I'm obviously missing something here. What year is it?"

    Britt: "Erm... I forgot. There's been so many."

    Chronos: "... which of you is the troubled child again?"

    Adélaide: "It's 1512."

    Chronos: "Ah. Year Copernicus said the Earth went round the sun."

    Britt: "I bloody told him that!"

    Adélaide: "How do you know about that theory? He only just left here to go and write it up!"

    Chronos: "Ah! Because--"

    She staggers, uneasily, to her feet.

    "--I am from... the future! ... hic!"
    Back in present day, the location where India had once been is now a vast (or... more vast) Indian Ocean. But suddenly from the ether appears one scrap on land - a pretty green hillock - that stands up out of that ocean.

    Britt: "Future must be the name of some public house or drug den."

    Chronos: "I'm not... drunk..."

    Chronos sways until she topples over. She holds her head to make the world stop spinning.

    Adélaide: "I think she's really sick."

    Britt: "That's what a lot of red wine will do to you."

    Chronos: "Gimme pain killer."

    Britt: "No more booze for you, lady!"

    Chronos: "No... just... hic!"
    On the small Indian island suddenly appears a lone goat.

    Goat: "BLAAH!?"


    Britt: "Okay. What she really needs is the oldest illness cure known to man."

    Adélaide: "Oh yes! Please tell me! The secrets of the ages are mine to behold at last!!"

    Britt: "Chicken soup."

    Adélaide remained poised in her state of hungry anticipation. Her eyes flicker.

    Adélaide: "You mean you want some chicken soup and then you'll tell me this secret medicine?"

    Britt: "The secret medicine is the chicken soup. I one-hundred-per-cent guarantee it. She'll be right as rain."

    Adélaide: "It's true. One should never... ever... meet their idol. It's certainly a major disappointment."

    Britt: "I'm wounded."

    Chronos: "You guys... suck... hic!"
    On the island appears a single man. He falls to the floor, looks around and then stares at the goat.

    Man: "I... think it's going to get pretty lonely here..."

    Goat: "BLAAAAAAAH!!"

    Translation: "Oh God. Please no!"


    In the Writers' Realm, Al Ciao bursts into Britt the Writer's office.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "You're alive! I thought you'd finally been eaten by a panda!"

    Britt the Writer is slumped over his desk.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Whoa. Real life must have hit you pretty hard this time!"

    Britt the Writer manages to nod slowly.

    Britt the Writer: "There was only one... cure."

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Chicken soup?"

    Britt the Writer: "Holiday!"

    Silly string explodes everywhere and Hawaii women come dancing into the room. Both Al Ciao and Britt the Writers are suddenly wearing lampshades for hats, Liberius Vir the Writer (Character) streaks into the room wearing nothing but a "I love Coca-Cola" t-shirt on before he dives out of the window and very loud pop music blasts from some unknown sound system.

    Gebohq the Writer: "Oi! What's all this merry-making!!? Get writing!"

    He slams the door shut behind him. The room goes silent for a brief moment before one of the Hawaii women wisely offers Gebohq the Writer a Hawaii pizza.

    Gebohq the Writer: "... very good. Carry on."

    He slowly walks back out of the room with the pizza.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Yay!! Let's play spin the bottle!"

  36. #1796
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Screeching out of Leftfield

    In Elizabeth Tower...

    Gwenhwyfar: "Wait. Shouldn't we discuss more important things than the love-life of my inferior?"

    Losien simply sighs with resignation as being Gwenhwyfar's 'inferior'.

    Polly turns on her heels to glare at Gwenhwyfar, perhaps properly for the first time. The daughter she never had. Gwenhwyfar stares back with so much defiance the air grew still and tense. Not a single 'hero' dared break that particular deadlock.

    Finally Polly speaks first.

    Polly: "You call her inferior... but I see everything in your that I hope Losien never becomes."

    Losien's eyes bulge with shock. She had been thinking about how much better the world would be if she were more like Gwenhwyfar. Strong. Independent. Bravery in spades.

    Gwenhwyfar: "Is that so?"

    Polly: "My little girl was supposed to grow up to be an elegant princess of Jupiter! Not some iron-clad brute that totes the most phallic weapon she can."

    Gwenhwyfar stops trying to stick the two halves of her glaive together and shakes her head with irritation at Polly's assessment.

    "Thank you, mom. Nice to know I'm not all bad."

    Polly whirls on her real daughter.

    Polly: "And not all good, either! I should never have let you out of my sight! You were supposed to stay at home, like a good girl, and learn to bake cookies and all that stuff! Instead you got yourself mixed up in all of this heroism business and, worst of all, that man!"

    She points at The Last True Evil without even raising her eyes from Losien.

    Polly: "So. Your answer?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "I thought you had a dying woman in a coffin? A horde of vampires that kidnapped a baby. Two more Potentials that are still on the lose. A guy trapped between multiple realities--"

    She points at Kid Tracer.

    Gwenhwyfar: "--two of your party members missing for a long time, which nobody noticed by the way--"

    Everyone suddenly remember Frank Smith and Subaru Yamamoto.

    Gwenhwyfar: "And her father still hasn't returned."

    She now points at Iriana Emp.

    Gwenhwyfar: "And all you want to know is how spicy your daughter's lovelife is?"

    Iriana Emp: "How did she even know most of that?"

    Polly: "You might not be my real daughter and you may think you're tough wearing all that armour, but I can still come across this room and spank your backside raw, young lady!"

    Gwenhwyfar: "You wouldn't d-- what's that sound?"

    There comes a loud roaring noise, like a jet screaming across the London skyline. The heroes closest to the broken clockface stare out at the reddening evening sky and see a small dark shape headed towards them, leaving a lot of cloud in its wake.

    Rachel Pi: "Is it a bird?"

    Evil G: "Is it a plane?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "No! It's that bloody Arbiter again!!"

    After being sent in the wrong direction by Emperor Pi, Arbiter - the planet's most powerful Powerhouse - has locked onto his target using some kind of tracking power he suddenly developed. Everyone in the tower suddenly leaps to either side, right and left, as slo-mo mode activates. The only one left standing dead centre is Gwenhwyfar. She growls and braces herself all in a millisecond before Arbiter zooms into the tower and locks arms around the armoured Potential.

    As slo-mo deactivates, everyone is left dazed and confused as the two supers smash a whole new hole in the tower on Arbiter's trajectory out. Tracer is left dangling from a ledge, only to be quickly saved by Amal's quick reactions.

    Gebohq helps Amal pull the boy back into the tower.

    Rachel Pi: "Glad she's gone. Now, back to the gossip!"

    Losien: "What? We have to help her!"

    Rachel Pi:
    "You want to get into the middle of that!?"

    "If Gwen is with us now, then she and Arbiter have no reason to fight!"

    MZZT: "Well we might accept Gwen as one of us, but does she? She didn't seem too keen on the idea."

    Evil G: "And is Arbiter really on our side? These Forgotten - I mean Remembered - Forces... what purpose to they have now?"
    Last edited by Gebohq; 10-17-2014 at 05:43 PM. Reason: removing what was essentially a double post

  37. #1797

    Sinister Snapshots

    Cut to the halls of Buckingham Palace, where many of the now Remembered Forces are marching about, receiving orders from higher ups in their new tasks to rebuild London, to equip themselves with high quality armament, to practice for some unknown battle so brutally against their favor that no one could possibly forget their pyrrhic deeds...

    Out of the many once-Forgotten that the writer is far too lazy to cameo this time around in these snapshots of the Remembered Forces, two members stand out. One has long ago been college schoolmates with Gebohq, long ago consumed by a monster chimichanga, long ago fought the futile conflicts against the Trans-Terra-Terrorists thanks to the scars left from a terrifying plot-hole storm, long ago seeked the love of Voodoosnowflakes... Now Sarn Cadrill idly performs a martial art kata among a squad of others, his gaze distant as far as the other side of the NeSverse and hardly with his own thoughts.

    The other, known far back on the first page of the Never-ending Story as Twin Suns, ceased to be himself 'ages ago, transformed instead into a paragon of all the Forgotten and called only The Forgotten One ever since the first of them stumbled together under Michael MacFarlane. Except now, and ever since he fought Tsolo those many story-arcs ago, The Forgotten One embodies someone entirely different, somebody once a part of Sarn Cadrill, somebody with a vendetta against Bhac, and now someone with enough standing to enact a very patiently-prepared plan... Kern Saladin, within the body of The Forgotten One, kneels in feigned allegiance to Queen Maeve, gripping the ominous dagger, which inflicts never-healing wounds, in his hand.

    Below him, and in fact, below everyone in the snapshots of the Remembered Forces, a decay-filled mass of pus and blood and ink scratch and spill across the grounds, growing unnoticed in the shadows and cracks of the story. The end will come, and no one will be able to run from it.

    The end will come soon.

  38. #1798

    Of Castles and Child Support

    Al Ciao: "The end can't come soon enough!"

    Mia: "Oh quit it with your melodramatic belly-aching and pay up your child support already!"

    Standing next to the hoard of precious gems and coins, Al Ciao reluctantly picks up a modest-yet-shining ruby and presents it to Mia. In a Jetsons-esque twist, Mia scoops up the remainder of the hoard and dumps it into a compartment of her mech.

    Mia: "That ought about cover it... at least for this month."

    She turns to leave.

    Mia.: "Ciao!"

    Al Ciao: "Yes?"

    The cruelly-unoriginal joke hits Al too late, though, as she has already left. Al sighs, slumping his head. The Otter walks up to his side and places his hand on Al's shoulder.

    The Otter: "Women, what bloodsuckers, amirite?"

    Maybechild: "Yes, so terrible that he has to pay for a child he's not raising."

    The Otter: "You know just how to lift a guy's spirits, Maybechild."

    Maybechild: "And you know just how to show women respect, Otter."

    Al Ciao: "Oh no -- my Lady Lightside! And Iriana! What will I have to show for them..."

    Maybechild: "Did he say 'mi'lady' just now?"

    The Otter: "You've got royal honey mead, man! No better way to make good with a spirit than with some spirits, yeah?"

    Maybechild: "That was terrible, Otter. Besides, Iriana is too young for that sort of thing."

    The Otter: "Too young? As I always say, if there's grass on the field--"

    Both Maybechild and Al Ciao stare coldly at The Otter.

    The Otter: "--uh, that is to say, the lil' princess can have some banana split sundaes?"

    Al Ciao: "I need to head back to them and pray forgiveness for not even bringing them tea. And to think, I could bend the very cosmos to my will..."

    Maybechild brushes some of the dust off her hands and shoulders.

    Maybechild: "Well, our work here is done here. We've got more cleaning up to do, boys!"

    As the other Remembered Forces gather up and head off, The Otter reaches into his pack out of habit as if to take a swig, then realizes that his hand is empty. He growls as he lowers his shaking hand into a fist before joining the others.

    As Al Ciao leaves to rejoin the other NeS Heroes in the former Hall of Heroes with Oppo at his toes, the castle attempts to follow him once more. Al turns around to reprimand the castle.

    Al Ciao: "No! Stay, castle! Stay!"

    The castle flumps down.

    Al Ciao: "Good, castle. Yeesh, I bet the Queen of England doesn't have to put up with a disobedient Buckingham Palace..."
    Last edited by Gebohq; 11-03-2014 at 10:13 AM.

  39. #1799
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Uneasy Alliance

    A gigantic window through space-and-time projects across the l33t, displaying a wide open ocean with a tiny scrap of land at its centre. Venedite stands, staring up at the window, with her hands on her hips. Her lips are pulled into a confused pout.

    Mayaal: "Is this where Bhac was?"

    Venedite: "Yeah, but n-- HOLY HOLLANDERS ON A SUNDAY!! How the buggery did you escape!?"

    Mayaal: "Bhac imprisoned me. My bondage vanish/ed. Something must have happened to him."

    Venedite: "Right... well... Okay. This was India. Bhac was there getting himself vested into a NeS villain or two. But then, poof, it all vanished."

    Mayaal: "I can't imagine anything powerful enough to destroy Bhac..."

    Venedite: "Bhac, India, a horde of supervillains, a Potential and a Powergamer. I really can't fathom it either."

    Mayaal: "... what is that man doing with that goat?"

    Venedite: "I think he's trying to... romance the goat."

    Mayaal: "... Right. And why is there a lone man on a tiny island with a goat? Is this all that's left?"

    "Actually it popped back into existence. It was gone, but then came back. Along with a loaf of bread, a frog and a random pair of socks. Things just pop back into reality. There's no pattern, it's rather sporadic."


    Britt the Legend - Cont.

    Chronos: "I think I need to go to the hospital and get my stomach pumped. That'll work."

    Adélaide: "My lab is probably a lot cleaner than any hospital. Allow me pump your stomach! I have just the invention! I call it a vacuum cleaner!"

    Chronos: "... hic..."

    As Mayaal and Venedite continue to watch a single, half-eaten potato appears on the island. The man on the island offers it to the goat as a means of courtship.

    Mayaal: "This isn't good..."

    Venedite: "Dead on! Trying to get it on with a goat is just not acceptable behaviour. I'll get down there and punt that bloke's backside into the ocean."

    Mayaal: "Not that. Although it does disturb me. I meant the random return of various objects and beings from that region. If, one by one, something returns - food, item, land, person... eventually one villain will return to our world. And we have no idea which it will be..."

    Venedite: "Well, so long as it's not one of those Princess Queens, or whatever they call themselves, I'm pretty sure it will be fine."

    Mayaal: "The entire NeS and only ONE true villain? I think that would bode very ill indeed."

    Venedite: "I think you're over-thinking the problem."

    Mayaal: "We will see."

    Venedite looks Mayaal up and down with a frown.

    Venedite: "I know I tried to kill you and all, but are we cool?"

    Mayaal: "I will not seek vengeance against you, if that's what you mean."

    Venedite: "Good. I only woke up an hour ago, I really would hate to have to exert myself so early in the morning. It's the only reason I haven't been down there to kick that bloke in the bollocks yet. Really need a coffee machine up here."

    Mayaal: "There should be one on my yacht. Where is it, by the way?"

    Venedite looks from Mayaal to the projection.

    Venedite: "With Bhac."

    Mayaal: "Motherfu--!!!"

  40. #1800
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Down the Tower

    A plot-hole appears briefly and consumes the remaining legs that were dragging the Armenian Palace after Al Ciao, slamming the ancient and crumbling building to the ground... again.

    Al Ciao: "My childhood memories... in ruins. Literally."

    Emperor Pi: "I do find plot-holes to be particularly rude."

    Al Ciao: "Oh well. Out with the old and in with the new, as they say! Can I borrow your dragon again, Emperor Pi?"

    Emperor Pi: "Long Xiang is already prepared for departure, your tea leaves gathered and stored in the gondola. Some of them might be a little... charred, mind."

    Al Ciao: "That's okay. It'll just enhance the flavour."

    The two men climb into Long Xiang's gondola. The dragon grunts at them before he jets off into the sky. Al Ciao barely manages to keep his lunch down. Oppo the Mental, on the other hand, takes the opportunity to dine on a dragon's big toe.

    Al Ciao: "Where do you reckon they got to?"

    In the distance they see Big Ben and a sudden streak of lightning.

    Al Ciao: "Nevermind."


    Losien: "Debate over! I'm going down there, with or without you! MZZT! I need a way down to the ground!"

    MZZT: "Uh... something wrong with the stairs?"

    Losien stares angrily at MZZT.

    MZZT: "Okay, okay! Here..."

    He dives into a random box and pulls out a thin needle-like contraption. He hands it over to Losien.

    MZZT: "Slam that into a wall, hold onto the hook and drop. It's like a grappling hook-thingy. It should still work."

    Amal: "Should?"

    Losien does as told and slams the needle into the wall of the tower where the shattered clockface once had been. She then leaps out of it and plummets downwards, cord in hand. The tug of the grapple slows her descent, but it's still a rapid fall. The other heroes pile at the top of the tower to watch her drop down.

    Amal: "Wow... she's so brave!"

    Rachel: "She's at her bravest... when she's being the most cowardly."

    The others glance at Rachel with mild confusion. Rachel walks away from the group, paying a momentary stare into TLTE's dark glare. She then its down in an armchair and puts her feet up on a foot-stool.

    MZZT: "I don't even remember buying that."

    Polly: "This is not how I taught that girl to behave! It won't do. It won't do at all!"

    Amal: "I think we should go after her."

    Polly: "Exactly my thinking. We go after her and stop her."

    Amal: "I was thinking of helping he, but I suppose either way works. MZZT, do you have any more of those grapple thingies?"

    MZZT: "No. The rest of you will have to get some exercise done."

    Polly: "Come on, son! You can help your mother."

    Gebohq: "Erm... but, mom..."

    He looks from his mother to Rachel. Rachel motions with her head that he should follow his mother. He nods and then follows Polly towards the stairs. Amal, and a reluctant Evil G, also follow suit.

    Tracer: "Come, Ms Emp! I'll keep you safe!"

    Iriana Emp: "I rather think I don't need to be kept safe by a boy half my own age."

    Tracer: "Pfft! I'm super old! Trust me!"

    Iriana Emp: "I'm really not sure why I should."

    Despite her complaints, Iriana allows the baby-faced Tracer to lead her down the stairs holding her hand.

    Tracer: "Shall we count the number of steps as we go down!?"

    Iriana Emp: "Can't I just stay up here?"

    The last to make a move is TLTE. He stood staring out of the tower for the longest time, but when Iriana and Tracer were both finally out of earshot, the Russian turns to face those remaining in the studio. He stomps over to Rachel and holds out Chance. Rachel looks up at the baby.

    Rachel: "What do you want me to do with that?"

    TLTE, by way of reply, dumps the baby into her lap.

    Rachel: "H-Hey! No way! You can't just le--"

    And he is gone.

    Lady LightSide: "Well... I guess this will be good practice for both of us!"

    Rachel: "...Suddenly I realise motherhood doesn't suit me."

    Lady LightSide: "You don't know that!"

    Mecha Lou: "I could prob'ly design some kind of microchip that'll make you an excellent parent? 'Course it'd prob'ly hurt like buggery when I drill it into your skull. But hey, no pain no gain, right?"

    Rachel: "I'll pass. Thanks."

    Mecha Lou: "Suit yerself! In the meantime, techno-boy--"

    MZZT: "Me?"

    Mecha Lou: "Cut the power to this pod."

    MZZT: "Uh, then Miss Fire will die a slow and painful death!"

    Mecha Lou: "Nah. I'm gonna put this in 'er!"

    She holds up a circular glowing object.

    MZZT: "Is that what I think it is?"

    Mecha Lou: "Yeppers!"

    MZZT: "You made an Iron Man heart for her?"

    Mecha Lou: "Oi! This ain't nothin' like Iron Man's heart! His glows blue! Mine's green!"

    The stasis pod opens to reveal the blonde-haired action hero - Miss Fire. Still sleeping from her induced coma. To make sure she stays asleep, Mecha Lou jabs an enormous needle full of medicine into Miss Fire's butt.

    Mecha Lou: "Now to ship 'er clothes off and cut 'er open."

    MZZT sidles over.

    MZZT: "Need any... help?"

    Rachel: "LightSide, hold the baby."

    Lady LightSide: "But you only just got him!"

    Rachel: "I need to wield a frying pan."

    Mecha Lou: "Actually, I need you to stand right across the room, ready to flip the switch to the mains."

    MZZT: "Can't I wait over here and go over there when you need me to?"

    Mecha Lou: "... Maybe I'll borrow Rachel's frying pan..."

    MZZT: "I'm going, I'm going..."

    Mecha Lou: "Okay. I'm gonna cut 'er wide open, but this in and then you need to cut the power off to the tower. Otherwise it'll explode. Then I seal 'er up with it in her. Then I plug it in and you turn the power back on. Got it?"

    MZZT: "Right..."


    Losien draws Fred, Teh Uber Blade, as she dashes towards the fight between Arbiter and Gwenhwyfar.

    Fred, Teh Uber Blade: "Uh... which one of them are we trying to help again?"

    Losien: "That's a good question. Let's see when we get there."

    Gwenhwyfar raises her arms and directs more lightning strikes at Arbiter, but he uses a strange force-field to absorb all of the energy of the fierce strikes. He steps forward, one step by one step, between each strike of lightning that hits him. When he finally reaches her he suddenly drops the shield and grabs Gwenhwyfar by the neck, hoisting her off of the floor.

    Losien: "Stop!!"

    Arbiter's eyes flick in the direction of the sudden disturbance, but his face remains pointed at his enemy.

    Arbiter: "Do not interrupt, weakling."

    Losien: "Arbiter, control yourself! Gwenhwyfar is no longer our enemy."

    Arbiter: "Since when do the enemies of an all-powerful warrior such as me, coincide with the enemies of one such as you?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "Man, your ego could fill a hot air balloon."

    Arbiter: "An ego built on truth, Potential."

    Gwenhwyfar: "You know what's really great about my lightning power?"

    Arbiter: "... nothing?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "It doesn't hurt me."

    Arbiter, realising he is about to be zapped by lightning again, widens his eyes and staggers away from her - but he was too late. The sound of thunder ripples through the sky.

    As the tension settles, all three of them realise that lightning did not strike.

    Gwenhwyfar: "Seriously... again?"

    Arbiter: "Once again, you prove to be ineff--ACK!"

    Long Xiang, Emperor Pi, Al Ciao, gondola and beehives all land ontop of Arbiter. Again.

    Gwenhwyfar: "You really have to stop saving me, Old Man. You're making me look bad."

    Emperor Pi appears at Losien's side sipping a dainty cup of tea.

    Emperor Pi: "Quite."

    Static sizzles along his small beard.

    Al Ciao: "I'm OKAY! I'm not HURT!"

    Al Ciao stumbles out of the wreckage and stares wildly around.

    Al Ciao: "Why is everything wobbling... you guys should... stand still..."

    He falls flat on his face.

    Above them the lights of the tower go out.


    Mecha Lou: "Okay... I'm done!! Techno-boy! Turn the power on!!"


    At Buckingham Palace Couchman and Maeve's attention is drawn to the sudden explosion of green light that blasts out of Elizabeth Tower.

    Queen Maeve: "I'm gonna go over there and kick him out of that tower personally. Then I'll host my OWN rave party up there!!"


    Miss Fire snaps upright.

    Miss Fire: "I-- I'm alive?"

    Mecha Lou: "You certainly are, darlin'! At no small expense either, by the way. This job's gonna cost you lot an arm and a leg. Maybe literally."

    Miss Fire stares down at the green circular glow throbbing from her chest.

    Miss Fire: "I'm... Iron Man!?"

    Mecha Lou: "It's green! C'mon! And it's different. Couldn't get you a pig's heart, so this had to do. This is literally your heart. It also needs charging every now and again. The more exertion you do, the sooner you'll need to charge up. You can also give yourself a major boost by charging yourself up beyond full power. It'll make you feel like a million dollars, as the yanks like to say."

    Miss Fire: "What... happened to me?"

    Mecha Lou: "Buggered if I know. Here, stick your finger into this electrical socket."

    Miss Fire: "What!? Are you craz-- OUCH! Oh... WOW!"

    Energised by the extra power from the electrical socket, Miss Fire springs to her feet and starts walking around the the room randomly and talking really quickly about how good she feels.

    MZZT: "So... it's like a surge of adrenaline?"

    Mecha Lou: "Spot on! I'm kinda jealous actually."

    Miss Fire suddenly runs off down the stairs in the wake of the other NeS Heroes.

    Lady LightSide: "Should she really be running around like that after surgery?"

    Mecha Lou: "Absolutely not!"

    Despite her words, Mecha Lou appears very pleased with herself.

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