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Thread: The Never-ending Story Thread˛

  1. #1641
    Tea-sipper, character-killer


    Previously on the surprising adventures of this perplexingly never-ending tale of idiocy...

    Current Story Arc

    After defeating KnowSoul on Memory Lane, resulting in the death of both KnowSoul and Michael MacFarlane, the heroes of the NeS regrouped into two teams to tackle matters of love and loins...

    Team Losien:
    Current Mission: Locate the witch Baba Yaga, who lives in a house on chicken-leg stilts currently located in the swamps of Burundi. Baba Yaga is Al Ciao's only hope in granting his wish to have a new penis, after he lost the last one.

    Losien, current main character of NeS, is a young woman with a truly heroic soul. She is still shaking off her past feelings of being "unworthy" to become a true leader of the NeS Heroes. She has been in a long relationship with TLTE, the ex-Soviet super-spy, but only now she is beginning to assert dominance over him, rather than being his damsel in distress. Recently she discovered that she is the 'father' of Apple, a young woman who now travels with the heroes. Due to recent complications from her escape of Memory Lane aided by Mecha Lou, her soul won't always stay quite attached to her body. Given by Soriel, Losien is equipped with two legendary (and chatty) items: Carlotta the Cape and Fred Teh Uber Blade. Losien is avoiding her emotional issues with TLTE, Apple, and Amal by accepting the insane quest to rescue Al Ciao's penis.

    The Last True Evil, or TLTE, was once the greatest villain to the NeS, but the ex-Soviet super-spy turned over a new leaf when he fell in love with Losien Simon. While the true evil within TLTE remains a constant struggle, he uses his love and respect for various characters, particularly Losien and his adopted charge Amal, to keep himself in check. He is currently challenged in his relationship with Losien since she became the main character for the NeS and experienced a 'dark side' during the previous story arc where she cheated on him. Though Losien seemed to not be herself at the time, TLTE's emotions on the subject have yet to be settled through conversation as Losien avoids the issue. Arkng Thand is convinced that TLTE will once again embrace his evil ways and become the greatest threat to the NeS' continued existence. It should be noted that his Potential is dead.

    Apple, true name Rosebud Simon, is an assassin raised and trained by Arkng Thand. Master Thand used Apple to acquire many artifacts and eliminate problems facing the NeS. She has been a tool to organise and protect the NeS from the shadows without her, or anyone else, realising it bar Thand himself. She is fairly aggressive and seems to enjoy her job, however recent events caused her to join the NeS Heroes and restrain her killer instinct. A lengthy plot by High Angel to seek vengeance against his rival Highemperor (now Al Ciao) caused her to become pregnant, and in order to thwart that plot, an unorthodox plan was placed from Evil G resulting in Apple being her own mother and Losien to be her father. Now Apple experiences a very awkward set of daddy issues and is coming to terms with a new found "family" consisting of TLTE, Amal, Gebohq, Evil G, Polly and, in many ways, Master Thand.

    Al Ciao
    Al Ciao, formerly known as Highemperor, is the often clueless and changeable member of Team Losien. He was once an extreme powerplayer but gave up that mantle so that he could better help his friends, the NeS Heroes. Beyond his crazy-spiky ginger hair, Al Ciao has recently undergone some body work. After dying and being separated from his decaying body, Mecha Lou had to fix up his body with mechanical parts essentially creating RoboCiao. Unfortunately she wasn't able to give him a penis (other than a mechanical one, which he refused). He also recently became husband to Lady LightSide, who was once DarkSide, an evil force in the NeS. LightSide, now pregnant, would give birth to Al Ciao's third child. Mia, another woman somewhere far off, is pregnant with Al's first baby. A long time in the past, as Highemperor, he had a daughter named Iriana Emp - who now travels with Team Amal. It should be noted that his Potential is dead.

    Evil G
    Evil Gebohq, or Evil G as he prefers to be called, is an alternate version of the former NeS Main Character Gebohq. Sharing the same history as Gebohq until the end of page 50, Evil G lead a different life when he embodied the dark mantle of powerplaying, once owned by Highemperor, within his home dimension of NeShattered. However a series of events led to Evil G falling in love with the "Child of the NeS", Young. He returned to the main NeS world to reunite with his love and avoid the clutches of the Ever-Ending Plot that has corrupted NeShattered. He returned to find Young was pregnant with his child, soon bearing him a son which they named Chance. Evil G now works with the Heroes to ultimately protect Young and Chance.

    Maeve is a British woman with a drinking problem. She has long been in the NeS and has long been drunk. After a failed marriage and several failed relationships, Maeve realised that she was most definitely homosexual and relinquished all ties to her former heterosexual engagements. When she isn't drinking, or trying to get into the women's pants, Maeve is an old friend to Losien and a sobering, pessimistic tone on the group. However she is probably the most rational mind in all of Team Losien - so long as she's not too drunk.

    The Otter
    The Otter is a British born, half-posh, half-punk drunkard that swings between mildly drunk to completely drunk in the matter of a single post. He has potential deep down but it is rarely able to surface due to his addiction. He also cannot keep his womanising to himself, but his lecherous nature simply pushes the majority of women away. He had a relationship with MaybeChild, a former NeS Hero, which many believe brought out the best in him - but that relationship seems to have ended and Otter is generally unwilling to discuss the topic.

    Voodoo Snowflakes
    The woman named Voodoo Snowflakes is almost completely gone from the mind of the body and has been replaced with Sran Cadpill. Sran Cadpill is a mysterious and unusual space captain that can never quite accept that his situation is not what it once was. Many don't even believe he ever was a true space captain and that's she's just completely bonkers. Voodoo will often start barking orders and trying to assert her authority over others through arbitrary ranking system and all in an effort to save something or go on some kind of adventure or mission of justice and duty. She is often more of a liability than an aid to the team. When Voodoo's personality does emerge, it is often far less nice than Sran, as she now has murderous intentions for some unknowable reason, and what little of her true self remains displays feelings of protectiveness for her younger sister, Magick Snowflakes - a member of Hero Force One.

    Lady LightSide
    Lady LightSide was once DarkSide, a malevolent force of the NeS bent on consuming souls. DarkSide joined another evil force to create KnowSoul, only to be separated soon after from KnowSoul and set to work on the Heroes of the NeS. During a fluke of story convention, DarkSide suddenly became LightSide when Losien, and the other heroes, were turned increasingly evil. As part of a ruse, LightSide married Al Ciao when she wound up pregnant with his child, causing the moral-and-gender change to remain permanent, though that may change once she gives birth to Al's child. Still pregnant with Al Ciao's baby, she refuses to be left at the Haunted House of Heroes as she believes the current quest to find her husband's penis is important to her.

    Tracer is a character brimming with "obvious mystery" as he wanders around in his own personal detective story. Often speaking like a narrative, sometimes badly, he probably dresses like Dick Tracey. He is death defying, having escaped death throughout his time with the NeS Heroes and has a habit of showing up at unexpected moments. He rejoined the NeS Heroes during the Battle Over London. He recently displayed his profound ability to use disguises to his advantage, like any true detective.

    Frank Smith
    Frank Smith, Time Cop, has recently arrived from 1000 years into the future on a mission to arrest a time warp individual - though he doesn't know the identity of that person yet. He works for TEA, Time Enforcement Agency, which is run by "Mysterious Person". Frank is a homosexual, middle aged man going through something of a mid-life crisis and Mysterious Person judges this case to be Frank's test of competence. Frank has a watch upon his wrist that contains Cynthai (CynthA.I. Mk XIV), an A.I. with a holographic projection able to help him in his mission.

    Polly Simon
    Otherwise known as "Geb's Mom" or "Los' Mom", Polly Simon has joined Team Losien, claiming that she wants to find her family members. She insists that Apple must call her "Gran". An old woman that apparently defies most aging problems, including energy and vigor, Polly is an adventurer of world-class. Unfortunately she does possess some similar flaws to her son, Gebohq, and accidents will happen despite her intentions. Few questions have been asked of her yet - how she knew where to find everyone, or why she needs her family.
    Team Amal:
    Current Mission: To rekindle the relationships of Gebohq and Rachel, Couchman and Iriana, and Antestarr and Subaru, whilst giving Amal the chance to be the main character of whatever conflict might arise and Soriel to be the voice of wisdom. With these goals in mind, the team travels to the mysterious floating palace of the secret Emperor of China in the clouds, who has invited them in hopes of aiding their goals.

    Amal, once a young boy under the care of Arkng Thand, grew up under the adopted care of The Last True Evil. Since then, there has been a struggle between the two for guardianship over the boy - neither realising that Amal was becoming more of a man. His character has swung from dark to light but has not developed much depth - something Thand blames on the shadows of TLTE. During Memory Lane, however, problems occurred when Losien, under the influence of darkness, and Amal - having forgotten TLTE existed due to the powers of Michael MacFarlane - developed a closeness that is now, upon the return of TLTE, uncomfortable. Amal has the potential to become the Main Character of the NeS. Now that he has been separated from the over-protective TLTE and away from Losien, Amal leads a small group on a personal mission, ready to tackle any challenge that may come their way.

    Rachel Pi
    Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the spirit of April Fools Day. Her love quickly became unrequited, though, as Gebohq spurned their engagement of true love. Although Rachel has stuck around since and never stopped loving Gebohq, that love is mixed with hate for his rejection of her, having accepted a position as Protector of the Plotfractal in large part so she can torture him. She is strong, bold, and fearless with an unusual comedic streak. Her father, Emperor Pi, wishes for her to return home and give up her life made possible by Thand, making her life essentially meaningless. However, Emperor Pi has given her the opportunity to love Gebohq once again with a romantic getaway at his Hidden Floating Palace.

    Gebohq, once the Main Character of the NeS, relinquished that role not long ago to his sister, Losien. Since then, he met Couchman and Princess Iriana Emp during the Battle Over London, resigned his job as a professional hero to become an associate professor of law, and conscripted as vassal to Iriana in virtually one day. Given opportunities he didn't have before, he now sets out to rekindle his love with Rachel Pi, whom never truly stopped loving her but has, up to this point at least, believed that his involvement with her puts her and the the whole of NeS at risk as well as who he really is. Gebohq is often the comedy relief of a group, and though he is cowardly in many ways, he has a deep heroic streak of "doing what's right" when he's truly needed. It should be noted that his Potential is dead.

    Soriel was once a blood-thirsty swordsman who kidnapped and killed central characters of the NeS. However, his quest to find worthy opponents to fight led him to join the NeS Heroes. He also sought to become a part of the NeS by understanding it. However, during the hunt for KnowSoul he was injured and lost the use of his sword hand. He gave his weapon, and cape (both of which talk), to Losien so that she might defeat KnowSoul. Without his sword, Soriel's mind became more focused upon the mysteries of the NeS, turning from swordsman to scholar. His newest ambition is to learn and surpass the legendary Arkng Thand. Once angry and aggressive, he now poses a cool intellect and sage-like qualities that make him a fountain of knowledge and guidance.

    Antestarr, long since a "tech guy" for the heroes of the NeS, overused one of his inventions not long ago, which led to his body's decay. On the brink of death, an old flame unexpectedly arrived and saved his life by turning him into, like her, a NeSferatu (a kind of vampire who prefer the blood of major characters making hard choices). While he now shares an unusual connection to Nyneve and a bond that can never be broken, he doesn't love her and is desperate to prove that to his new love interest Subaru. Antestarr has a solid, clear mind that is constantly at work to solve the problems before him. However he recently has developed a need for the "blood-ink" of characters, as well as melodrama and self-pity, due to his NeSferatu nature.

    Subaru Yamamoto
    Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she feels, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Subaru wants to trust and believe in Antestarr but it is difficult to accept the situation and understand what is happening.

    Couchman is a "Da Vinci" of the age, being a middleman in every available skill. A polymath of the NeS. He has an obsession with couches and was working as a lawyer until recently when he fell in love with Iriana Emp. During the Battle Over London he chased her down to confess his love for her and refused to allow Emperor Pi to steal her affections. In the end Couchman won this small victory and seeks to cement his love for Iriana on a romantic getaway.

    Iriana Emp
    Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. Never having visited Armenia, however, Princess Iriana seeks a marriage match and considered marrying Emperor Pi for his rank as Emperor of China. Refusing to become one of his many concubines, she instead turns her attention to courting Couchman for his skills and affections. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea.
    Other Important Characters:
    Jim Seven
    Jim Seven (written often as Jim7) was once the ruler of Hell, however he was voted in as the new ruler of Heaven. As God he joined the Battle Over London when Serapharch, a powerful angel, tried to destroy a fallen angel named Seraphim - a member of Hero Force One. Since then Jim has mostly been establishing a new heavenly domain on Earth which was, disappointingly, established in Burundi. Team Losien have now stumbled into his domain. Godly Jim declared a Crusade against Justin Beiber and his dryads, which threatens to involve the heroes and distract them from their real quest.

    Justin Beiber
    One major obstacle to Team Losien and their primary objective is Justin Beiber and his dryads. Formally Sarah Palin held this position, however Morris the Cat ate Sarah Palin before she could kill several heroes. However Morris had also consumed Justin Beiber and was unable to hold two such powerful evils within him. Evil G chose what he thought to be the lesser of two evils. Since being released Justin Beiber is now the new leader of the dryads, who are all infatuated with him. Godly Jim declared a Crusade against Justin Beiber and his dryads, which threatens to involve the heroes and distract them from their real quest.

    Emperor Pi
    The secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much.

    Young & Chance
    Young is the daughter of the NeS and the love of Evil G. They were married in an evil wedding and now have a son together named Chance. Young raises Chance back at the Haunted House of Heroes - where Chance has demonstrated some unusual qualities from time to time, mostly scaring ghosts and ghouls of the HHH.

    Nyneve was the last of the NeSferatu until recently when she turned her old lover, Antestarr, into a NeSferatu too. NeSferatu long for the blood-ink of the Main Characters' line - which is especially strong in the Simon family. Her primary target is Gebohq and is currently hatching a plan against him.

    Mr Nine
    Mr Nine was once known as Acidspitter, a member of HFO. However he became the ruler of Hell after Mr Eight, Al Ciao, and has since waged a war against Heaven when they tried to destroy his former love - Seraphim of HFO. He engaged in the Battle Over London until a draw was settled upon and everyone went home.

    Twin Suns & The Forgotten Army
    Twin Suns, sometimes known as The Chosen One, is the leader of the Forgotten Army. The Army includes all of the forgotten characters of the NeS, including some high profile cases such as MaybeChild. They are constantly looking for new recruits and are considered a threat to the NeS by some, while others believe that they are heroes.

    Arkng Thand
    Once he was the guardian over both Amal and Apple, Thand has since lost both of them to the NeS Heroes. He is a former NeScholar and one of their greatest. He is mostly aloof, appearing only when he wishes and his motives are a complete mystery, even to his adoptive "children" who often follow his commands without query. Thand seems to have the NeS interests at heart but his actions are highly questionable and his schemes seem to stretch on and on. Many do not know if they should trust him or consider him to be their enemy. Thand has a particular rivalry with TLTE. Recently he has been revealed to be the President of the United States of America, running the government for some unknown agenda. He has a man named "Spin Doctor" working for him, who covers up unusual stories - including the death of Sarah Palin. He has also hatched a plot with Thrawn42689 as his instrument.

    Thrawn is an android created by Doctor Dormouse alongside Ahnuld. More recently Thrawn has allied himself with Arkng Thand and plots to 'infect' various NPCs (Non-Player Characters) and RAMs (Random Audience Members) - indicated by various formations of his overly long serial number. He seems particularly keen to keep tabs on both Hero Teams.
    And now, before continuing the Never-ending Story Thread Squared, a look at one of the crazy Writers of this crazy story...


    Britt the Writer: "I'm back!"

    Gebohq the Writer: "Where the Hell have you been!?"

    Britt the Writer: "I went to a hot spring!"

    Unusually, Gebohq the Writer ceases his accusatory tirade and looks enquiringly at Britt the Writer.

    Gebohq the Writer: "Wow. What was it like?"

    Britt the Writer: "Awesome. You have no idea..."

    Gebohq the Writer: "Where was it?"

    Britt the Writer writes down the address for Gebohq the Writer and hands it over.

    Britt the Writer: "It was actually quite late when I we-- Geb?"

    Britt the Writer looks around the office to see Gebohq the Writer had disappeared.

    Britt the Writer: "Wanker! I bet you didn't even post, did you!?"

    Britt the Writer checks.

    Britt the Writer:

  2. #1642
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Bad Vibrations

    Back in a dinghy in Burundi, sailing through a swamp, is a small band of heroes who have just unexpectedly met with the mother of Gebohq and Losien.

    Maeve: "So what's your name?"

    The Otter: "What're you talking about? Her name's Geb's mum!"

    Maeve: "I can't go around calling her Geb's mum all day!"

    Al Ciao: "It wouldn't make sense to call her that anyway. Geb's not the Main Character anymore. Losien is."

    The Otter: "Lossuses'eses mum..."

    Al Ciao: "Yeah, that one's easier to write than it is to say."

    Woman: "Polly. Y'all can call me Polly."

    Apple: "Okay Polly, wh--"

    Polly: "'Cept you."

    Apple: "Wha? Why!?"

    Polly: "You call me Gran."


    Al Ciao: "Why're you here Mrs Simon?"

    Polly: "Wow! Aren't you a polite one!?"

    Al Ciao looks bashful, but also very prideful. Lady LightSide jabs him in the rib.

    Polly: "Actually I'm here looking for my offspring. And their offspring, who I've now got. Where's your daddy, dearie?"

    Apple: "I'm not five, you know?"

    Polly: "Actually you're not even five. Technically you're a few days old, going by your birthday. Now watch your lip, young lady."

    Apple: "I've had a family for about a day and I already want to run away from home..."

    Maeve: "We sort of lost Losien a while back. Pretty sure TLTE went to find her though. He does that."

    Polly: "Hmmm. TLTE. A relationship I certainly do not approve of! Honestly, that daughter of mine! Do you know where your Uncle Gebby got to?"

    Apple: "China."

    Polly: "China? That's a new one. Then again, I'm guessing that has something to do with the young floosy he's been dating! Am I right?"

    Apple: "I dunno if I'd call Rachel a floosy, but yeah. Rekindling their love or something. My other uncle is here though."

    Polly: "Other uncle?"

    Apple: "My Evil Uncle."

    Polly: "Oh... him. Let's just pretend that one doesn't exist for now, shall we?"

    Maeve: "So you want to go and find Losien now?"

    Polly: "Won't she come to find Apple?"

    Maeve shrugs.

    Maeve: "Maybe. I guess."

    Polly: "Well then! I guess I'll stay with you lot, if you don't mind? Of course you don't mind! Now, onwards! To ADVENTURE!!"

    Al Ciao: "She's one lively granny!"

    The dinghy suddenly struck land, sending all of the small boat's occupants tumbling into the Swamp of Eternal Stench.

    The Otter's head bobs above water and whilst everyone else appears to be incredibly upset, Otter looks pleased with the turned tables.

    Everyone staggers out of the swamp-water and stands dripping, and smelling, on the swamp embankment.

    Lady LightSide: "Oh no! I'm going to stink FOREVER!"

    The Otter: "Ha! Don't believe what you're preaching, eh!?"

    Suddenly there was a tremor. Then another. And another. Each pulse through the ground causes the swamp water to vibrate and, as the pulses get closer, the ripples become more and more prominent.

    Al Ciao: "Something really, really, really big is coming..."

    Apple: "Relax, man! It's going to be that chicken-leg house walking around. We're at the end of your quest, Al!"

    Al Ciao: "I dunno if that Robo-witch chick actually said it walks around."

    Apple: "It's got chicken legs. Why else would it have chicken legs if it didn't walk around on 'em?"

    The Otter: "Or it's a T-Rex."

    On queue, a T-Rex burst from the jungle trees and plants on huge claw into the swamp water - spraying it everywhere.

    Maeve: "You had to say it, Otter!"

    Apple: "How can there possibly be a T-Rex here!?"

    Al Ciao: "You've been in the NeS for longer than five minutes now, Apple! You should have learnt by now, there's no rules of logic! Now RUN!"

    Apple: "I agree with that!"

    Apple whips her top of after becoming fairly transparent. Where her shorts and boots are there a much clearer outline.


    Apple: "Now you're going to boss me around too!?"

    As the "heroes" turn and flee, the T-Rex gives chase.

  3. #1643
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow End?

    The heroes wade and splash their way through the swamp-water, rush over isles of mud, and stomp through mushy swampland. Apple is naked and running around somewhere in her invisible state - possibly the safest of them all. Yet it didn't stop her grandmother, Polly, shouting after her.

    Lady LightSide, the slowest of all of them, fell behind and the T-Rex is instantly upon her. His giant claw comes crashing down just shy of her pregnant body, which sending her tumbling away in the waves of swamp-water.

    When she raises her head again from the water, she opens her eyes only to find the gaping jaws of doom moments away from her dainty head. Her nose, likewise, senses death - except that would be the previous meal being digested somewhere within the beast's pit of a stomach.

    There is a small explosion within the dinosaur's mouth that forces the beast to recoil. Why an explosion didn't tear the animal's head off could be put down to story-physics, but Lady LightSide isn't in a state to argue either way. She turns and runs towards her husband - Al Ciao. His arm is held out, pointing a rather large mecha-cannon at the T-Rex. The mechanism spins to a second missile and fires. The shot strikes the T-Rex in its side. It roars with anger.

    Al Ciao: "Anger really wasn't what I was going for. Explodey-messy-goop was really what I wanted. Hold on, my love, I'll try another one of these gizmos I have installed!"

    He shakes his arm which instantly changes into a new weapon. This time it appears to be a large open funnel with an ominous, red, hazy glow within it.

    Al Ciao: "This has got to be good!"

    A beam of melty, lava-like plasma sprays from the gun-arm. Unfortunately Al Ciao's experience with his own new body is limited and his aim is well off--

    Lady LightSide: "Just like his aim in the toilet bowl."

    Al Ciao: "Honey, I'm trying to save your life here. You could at least insult me later."

    The plasma-spray strikes the swamp-water, boiling it instantly in a sizzling haze of steam. The T-Rex remains unhurt, but backs away is surprise. The other heroes are granted the opportunity to get behind Al Ciao and his blazing arm-cannon.

    However Al Ciao's victory is short-lived as a second roar suddenly erupts from the jungle canopy to his left.

    Al Ciao: "Fate, you are a cruel mistress."

    Lady LightSide: "I will not be sharing you with Fate, Rosebud! Let's get moving!"

    The heroes continue their run just as a second T-Rex charges out of the trees and into the swamp-water, causing waves of disgusting water to slosh in every direction.

    The Otter: "Which one's the mum and which one's the dad, do you think?"

    Polly: "I reckon the one with the giant testicles is the male, sonny!"

    The Otter: "Do dinosaurs even have-- whoa!"

    The Otter dives as the daddy dino chomps just behind him. The British-punk rocker swims under the water for as long as he could stand the slimy sensation upon his skin. As his head breaks the water's surface he finds himself staring at one of the dinosaur's massive feet - just inches away from him.

    The Otter: "In the name of Jesus' Fat Uncle..."

    He pulls out a bottle of whisky from his bag and tugs the cap off.

    Maeve: "I know I'm one to drink, Otter, but I don't think this is the time for alcohol!"

    Maeve reaches his side.

    The Otter: "This is the perfect time for alcohol."

    He strikes the foot with the bottle, shattering the glass and spraying whisky all over the beast's hard skin. Then, in a brief instant, Otter summons his firey flaming magical powers and casts the spell upon the alcohol-doused foot. The fire spreads quickly and as it engulfs the raging dino's foot, it spreads across the rest of the creature's skin.

    The Otter: "Wow. That worked even better than I thought it would."

    Maeve: "Well done Otter! Finally you're good for something!"

    Feeling that old sense of pride rekindle within him Otter folds his arms with satisfaction and watches the poor creature burn.

    Al Ciao: "Actually... I don't think it's getting any weaker... I think it just looks even angrier."

    Polly: "Run away!!!"

    They continue to flee, now chased not only by two T-Rexes but one of them was ON FIRE!


    Meanwhile (Cliffhanger much?) the other half of Team A are racing away from Godly Jim's Crusade against Justin Beiber. Their floating barge speeds quickly over the jungle canopy towards the swamp where they hoped to find Baba Yaga and the rest of their crew. At least Losien did, the others didn't really care much for the other team members or even finishing the mission.

    Losien: "Where did you learn to fly this thing anyway?"

    Evil G: "I took a floating barge driver's licence exam years ago!"

    Losien: "Seriously?"

    Evil G: "No."

    Tracer, who is now dressed in his usual attire rather than one of his many disguises, sees something ahead. Without warning the others he jumps over the railing of the flying boat and disappears into the trees below.

    Frank Smith: "Where the heck is he going?"

    They all look out to where Tracer had been staring.

    Frank Smith: "Does anyone want to tell me if what I'm seeing is real?"

    No one says anything.

    CynthAI: "I have calculated that, despite temporal inconsistencies, the visage before you is accurate."

    Losien: "I was kind of hoping that it would disappear if no one acknowledged it."


    Losien: "What the--!? Are you crazy!? Fly around it!!"

    But it was too late. No sooner does Losien utter her words than the flying barge crashes into the head of the T-Rex. The heroes are all propelled through the air, like tiny cannonballs, amidst the wreckage of the vehicle that was splintered into a lot of smaller bits and bobs that would look appropriate in a scrap yard.

    In that moment Losien again feels an unusual sensation - or the loss of it. Instead of the rush of air, the fear of death or the embrace of TLTE, she sees herself falling. Like watching a television screen. If the television screen was a ghostly visage trailing somewhere after her corporeal body. Then she feels like she's being tugged. Tugged back into her body. She goes reluctantly, knowing she was about to feel the worst sensation of all. Pain.

    She strikes the ground.

    Losien: "OUCH!"

    The speed of the hit sends her body back into the air for a brief moment before she hit the ground again.

    Losien: "ARGH!"

    And a final time into the air and then she splashes into the smelly, swamp-water.

    Losien: "Gurgle."

    She feels herself being dragged out of the water and brought to the surface by the strong arms of her lover. TLTE's face was covered with cuts and bruises from his landings - yet he summoned enough strength to try and help her. She hadn't needed saving, but she appreciated the thought. They both lay on the embankment, trying not to breathe too deeply and throw up from the stink.

    Losien: "The last time I smelt anything this bad was at a college party. Pretty sure it was Maeve's party, come to think of it."

    TLTE: "Are you unhurt?"

    Losien:"Mostly. What about you? You look terrible."

    TLTE: "I had worse damage done to me in past."

    Losien: "I bet you have. You should say 'the' before you say past there, by the way."

    TLTE: "Ah. I know this. Sometimes hard to remember the placement of the."

    Losien rubs her eyes, sits up and looks around. All she sees is swampland, swamp-water and lots of trees. No sign of anyone else, or the T-Rex.

    Losien: "I guess that thing will have a big lump on its head for a few days."

    TLTE: "I believe it will be dead. The angle of our fall shows--"

    Losien: "Actually, I was just hoping out loud, TLTE. But thanks for trying to clarify. The poor thing. He was just minding his business."

    TLTE: "I believe it was a female, not male."

    Losien:"How the Hell could you tell that!?"

    Before TLTE could explain his knowledge of dinosaur physiology The Otter burst from the trees behind them.

    Losien: "Otter! We found you!"

    However The Otter didn't say anything in response as he dashes past them and plunges into the swamp-water where he starts to desperately wade across to the other side. Losien glances at TLTE enquiringly. Their moment of silence is broken as the rest of the heroes suddenly burst from the treeline and all follow The Otter.

    Losien: "Where are you all going!?"

    Frank Smith: "BIG! BIG! FIRE! DINO! FIRE! T-REX! BIG! BIG, BIG!"

    Losien: "That was... strange."

    The trees behind them parted as the huge flaming head of a T-Rex rose menacingly from them. Its burning eyes focus upon Losien and TLTE, who slowly stand in awe.

    TLTE: "Now that is male."

    The firey jaws open in a roar before they come sweeping down to engulf the two heroes. Losien smells decay for a brief second and then nothing. Nothing but the smell of falling rose petals. She opens her eyes to see said rose petals lilting gently to the ground. As she looks around she sees petals landing on the still surface of the water. The flaming T-Rex was gone- gone in a puff of rose petals.

    Losien: "That was... lucky."

    Tracer: "Not luck. A wish."

    Losien turns to see a strange hut walking towards her on chicken-stilts. It bobs up and down as the two legs move their way through the swamp-water and blue smoke pours from a crooked chimney pot. The wooden hut has a porch and a railing to stop anyone falling into the water below. There, on the porch and leaning on the railing, was Tracer.

    Tracer: "Come and meet Baba Yaga."


    The hut had squatted down to allow the heroes to all climb on. Despite the numbers of heroes they were all, surprisingly, able to fit on-board the hut-walker. They filed inside to meet the legendary Baba Yaga. She is sat in an armchair far too small for her fat, rotund body and she is dressed like a bad cosplayer - complete with cat ears and tight anime-character costume. She is also very old, with sagging skin and a large beak-like nose. She drinks from a glass that contains a special cola recipe that makes it appear as thick as the swamp-water outside.

    The Otter shudders when he casts his eyes upon her. Apparently even he has standards after all.

    Baba Yaga: "Lucky your handsome friend here was good enough to wish away that T-Rex for y'all, else you'd be dino-chow by now!"

    Al Ciao: "Wait. You wished it away?"

    Tracer: "How else would a T-Rex explode into petals?"

    Al Ciao: "But... But... That was my wish! MY wish! And you used it!"

    Tracer: "If I hadn't, you wouldn't have any body parts left at all! Not just missing the one!"

    Al Ciao: "Why you---!!"

    Baba Yaga: "Don't you worry your little cotton socks, you handsome cyborg you!"

    Al Ciao shudders.

    Baba Yaga: "Your whole group gets three wishes! Kind of a genie-in-the-lamp sorta deal, you see?"

    Losien: "So we all get three wishes each!?"

    Baba Yaga: "No way! Three wishes for your whole group!"

    Maeve: "So we should have come in in smaller groups."

    Baba Yaga: "Too late for what you should have done, missy. So, you've had one wish. What's your next one?"

    Before Al Ciao could open his mouth and wish for his new penis, The Otter barges in front of him and proclaims his wish loudly--

    The Otter: "I wish that we are all clean and we won't ever smell like the Bog of Eternal Stench! Ever!"

    Maeve: "Otter--!!"

    However it is too late. Baba Yaga shrugs and wiggles her fingers. Fresh, clean, hot water opens up above the entire group and rains down upon them. The water is slightly scented and when it stops the heroes find that they're all incredibly fresh and clean.

    Maeve: "Otter! You said Bog of Eternal Stench! This is the Swamp of Eternal Stench!"

    The Otter: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!! But wait -- I don't smell bad!"

    Baba Yaga: "Of course not! A good shower was all you needed to clean out that smell. Now you got it!"

    Lady LightSide: "I told you, Otter!"

    The Otter: "Oops?"

    Baba Yaga: "Well, at least if any of you ever fall into the Bog of Eternal Stench, you'll be fine, won't you? Now. Last wish!"

    Al Ciao clears his throat and steps forward with an air of importance.

    Al Ciao: "I wish that--"

    Polly: "Sorry to do this, sonny."

    Al Ciao claws desperately at the duct tape Polly had unexpectedly wrapped around his mouth, sealing his words and his only wish. While the others reel in confusion, Polly quickly turns to the ugly witch and makes her wish--

    Polly: "I wish to become young and beautiful once again! I want to be twenty-years-old, now and forever more!"

    Baba Yaga: "Awesome wish! It's done!"

    TLTE strides towards Baba Yaga and reaches out to stop the old crone, but the woman manages to wiggle her fingers before the Russian spy got to her. Light surrounds Polly and, an instant later, expels in a dazzling shower of sparks. Standing there is now a much younger Polly, looking not too dissimilar to Losien, even down to the autumn-coloured hair. She whips out a small vanity mirror from her period adventure outfit and admires herself.

    Maeve: "You are one sexy granny!"

    Polly: "Don't I know it!"

    Apple: "Don't encourage her! This is way too weird for words!"

    Polly: "And you, young lady, are still naked! Get your clothes on before I bend you over my knee!"

    "This day just got AWESOME!"

  4. #1644
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Polly's Plot

    In the Writer's Realm, Gebohq the Writer is less than impressed with Britt the Writer's portrayal of Polly.

    Gebohq the Writer: "Geb's mom isn't very nice, is she?"

    Britt the Writer:
    "Uh... Well Rob X once punted her out of the Arena!"

    Gebohq the Writer: "That's because Rob X is a tosser!"

    British swearwords, dodging your American filters since time began.

    Britt the Writer: "Okay, okay. Relax! She's not really bad anyway. She's just being a wee bit selfish."

    Gebohq the Writer: "A BIT!?"

    Britt the Writer: "Okay, look, you'll see what I had in mind! No on else is writing at the moment--"

    Britt the Writer glares around the cubicles of the ISB Offices where only the sounds of computer games can be heard from Al Ciao the Writer's cubicle.

    Britt the Writer: "--So I figured I had plenty of time to explain Polly's motives. But I'll do it now, if it puts your mind at ease."


    Back within the Story Realm, Team A are all huddled within the shack of Baba Yaga and Polly, Gebohq and Losien's mother, has used up the last wish to make herself eternally young and beautiful - ruining Al Ciao's last chance for a real penis.

    Al Ciao: "YOU---!!!"

    Polly: "Hold your horses there, sonny!"

    Frank Smith: "It's pretty strange to hear a young woman say that."

    Maeve: "And a major turn on."

    Frank Smith: "I think you have issues, miss."

    Maeve: "Says the guy who ditched his husband for a fling with a boy."

    Frank Smith: "He's not a boy! He's twenty-two! And how the Hell did you know that anyway?"

    Maeve: "I read NeS Notes!"

    "Maybe you two could go outside and finish your conversation there?"

    Frank Smith: "Uh... everyone was listening to that?"

    Losien: "Totally."

    Frank Smith:

    CynthAI: "Agent Smith, your levels of embarrassment are dangerously high. I advise that you vacate the premises until your levels return to normal. It may also be advised that you take a.... chill pill."

    Frank Smith: "I'll do the first one."

    The Time Cop slips through the door and stands on the porch where he watches the Swamp of Eternal Stench pass by - the chicken-stilts shifting the hut throughout the swamps of Burundi. While out there tinkers with CynthAI, setting her to scan the area for temporal anomalies.

    Polly: "I had to use that wish, Al. I had no choice. I need to live forever. Or at least five-hundred years."

    Al Ciao: "And the beautiful part?"

    Polly: "Well, if you're going to live forever, you at least want to look your best, right? Imagine being eternally ugly!"

    Losien: "Mom, you haven't explained why you need to live that long. I haven't seen you since I used to work at that school and now you appear out of nowhere, dressed in your old adventuring gear. You can't tell me finding us was an accident! You knew we were looking for Baba Yaga and her wishes!"

    Polly: "I saw my opportunity, yes. When I learnt what you were up to, I knew I had to be here. But I didn't lie to your daughter - I really am here for you and her."

    Losien stares at her mother with coldness.

    Polly: "Don't you look at me like that, young lady! You shouldn't even be out here tramping through this swamp! It's not what you should be doing! You ought to have left this life to your brother."

    "Why!? You do it! Look at you! So does father, why was I never allowed?"

    Polly: "It's undignified."

    Losien: "What, for a woman? Like you're not a woman?"

    Polly: "For a-- for a..."

    Losien: "For a what?"

    Polly: "For an Empress!"

    Everyone stares at Polly. Then they all laugh.

    Polly: "I'm not joking! Losien you are the next in line to the throne of Jupiter!"

    Everyone laughs harder.

    Polly: "Before Jupiter was destroyed by some... unknown force--"

    The Otter stops laughing and hides at the back of the group.

    Polly: "-- it was an uber strong empire! We didn't span the stars, we spanned the Multiverse. We conquered lots of different worlds beyond our own universe - including other Jupiters and other Earths. We were gearing up to attack this Earth when Jupiter was suddenly wiped out."

    TLTE: "Sounds like we are lucky, da?"

    TLTE seems to be the only one not laughing, completely engaged by Polly and her tale.

    Polly: "The current Queen, or... she was the Queen until she died with Jupiter, was my sister. Our tradition is to pass the crown to the next youngest female of our line - that means Losien. I didn't want her going off and doing crazy, stupid and dangerous things because she's too valuable! She was about to be taken to Jupiter but Michael MacLongname kidnapped her and then she stayed with you, you stupid brute. Then, before I could kidnap her myself, our world was blown up."

    Maeve: "TLTE, you believe this rubbish?"

    TLTE: "Da."

    Everyone begins to calm down.

    Al Ciao:"But you still haven't told us why you need to steal my wish!"

    Losien: "Or be forever young."

    Polly: "Terraforming will take about five-hundred years. During that time, you'll be placed in carbonite to keep you safe. I will be your Regent and I will oversee the terraforming process. Once it's complete, I'll free you and you'll take your role as Empress!"

    Losien: "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

    Polly: "But true."

    Losien: "I refuse."

    Polly: "That's fine. I have a backup plan. It'll be bending the rules slightly, since the crown must pass through a matriarchal line and you're technically considered the father... but you're a woman. So physically you're also her mother."

    Apple: "Wait, are you talking about me?"

    Polly: "That's right. If your mother refuses to become Empress, then I have you instead!"

    Losien: "No!"

    Apple: "Hey! What if I want to be Empress!?"

    Losien: "She's going to freeze you in carbonite for five-hundred-years!"

    Apple: "That does kinda suck... but..."

    The door bursts open and Frank Smith grabs Apple. He quickly takes out lazor-cuffs, which glow with an eerie futuristic blue light, and handcuffs Apple.

    Apple: "What in the crap're you doing!?"

    Frank Smith: "Rosebud Simon--"

    Everyone laughs.

    Frank Smith: "--I'm arresting you on suspicion of violating temporal laws of the Multiverse. You don't have to say anything because CynthAI will record it all and it'll be really embarrassing for you when we play back your cries of protest later."

    Losien: "Frank! That's my daughter!"

    Frank Smith: "Then I'm sorry, Ms Simon, you're going to have to hire a lawyer. A Time Lawyer at that. CynthAI - beam us back... to the future!!"

    CynthAI: "You mean the present."

    Frank Smith: "CynthAI, you're ruining my exit!"

    Frank Smith and Apple disappear in a woosh of light, leaving the heroes of Team standing dumbfounded within Baba Yaga's hut.

    Baba Yaga: "Anyone for tea?"

    Frank Smith reappears, along with Apple, inside the Time Chamber of the TEA HQ. He guides Apple into the custody of the jailors and she is imprisoned, awaiting trial. Frank Smith makes his way through the TEA HQ to report his findings to Mysterious Man...


    Gebohq the Writer: "You still made her not nice, even with excuses. She was going to kidnap her own daughter!?"

    Britt the Writer: "She's a practical kind of lady!"

    Gebohq the Writer:
    "Also... TIME LAWYERS!?"

    Britt the Writer:

  5. #1645
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow An Idea

    On the other side of the planet, the heroes of Team B (except for Gebohq and Rachel) reach the screaming woman. However they were too late. The girl is being fed Antestarr's blood, ready to be turned into another NeSferatu.

    Subaru: "Antestarr! What're you doing!? Stop!"

    Antestarr: "You can't tell me what to do anymore, Subaru. I serve no-one but myself now. No Heroes, no NeS forces and no WRITERS! I'm finally going to take my own path. I'm actually going to do this. I won't let you all distract me again. I tried to be this man before, but you all pulled me back into your apathy. This time, it won't work."

    Amal: "Antestarr, you're one of us. I don't want to fight you, but I will if I must."

    Antestarr: "Fighting words already, Amal? The Writers are desperate to keep me so contained, are they?"

    Amal: "This isn't for the Writers, this is for the good of the NeS!"

    Antestarr: "Oh really? You don't even know what I'm going to do!"

    Amal: "Uh... well... it seems pretty evil, whatever you're doing..."

    Antestarr: "Rise, my First Born."

    Young Woman: "Master Antestarr. My Maker. I feel... FANTASTIC! Woooooooooow!"

    Antestarr: "See? Good as new! Goodbye, heroes. I'm sure I'll be seeing you again soon..."

    Antestarr and his new NeSferatu apprentice melt into the shadows like ominously... ominous people. Subaru appears dejected, Amal determined and Soriel is concerned.

    Soriel: "Our problems just seem to mount up, don't they?"

    Powerplayer Iriana: "Don't they, just!?"

    Amal: "Holy buggery!"

    Subaru: "I'll take her!"

    Amal: "Subaru no!"

    But Subaru is still reeling from Antestarr's rejection, brimming with anger and a deep down sadness. It felt like it was time to vent some frustration. Subaru, axe in hand, runs at the Powerplaying Iriana Emp. Subaru uses her power to propel herself through the air with a sudden, blinding speed and her axe swings down hard before it struck... the ground.

    The Powerplayer had moved slightly to the right. She smiles sweetly at Subaru.

    Powerplayer Iriana: "Nice try, dear."

    The alternate universe Iriana grabs Subaru by the neck. Before the other heroes are able to intervene the evil Iriana throws the Japanese woman through the air and into a stone wall. The wall crumples around Subaru's unconscious body.


    Soriel holds him back.

    Soriel: "I don't think that would be wise. I have an idea."

    Powerplaying Iriana: "Oh! You have an idea, do you!? Good luck with that."

    Suddenly Long Xiang, once again, saves the day as he swoops in and grabs the heroes. He tosses them all, including Subaru, into his gondola where they land in a pile of limbs. Emperor Pi looks down at them.

    Emperor Pi: "Enjoying your honeymoon?"

  6. #1646
    The setting: Rachel Pi's room within Emperor Pi's Hidden Palace high above the lands of China. Unlike most of the palace, Rachel's room presents a more modern, eccentric side fitting of Rachel. Among the chaos of things strewn about include the following: an honorary optometry diploma specializing in cornea transplants hangs on the wall, a stuffed animal of the tiger from Calvin and Hobbes, an award for second place in the 1999 Iditarod with a snapshot of her behind a dogsled pulled by wild Shih Tzu, a first-edition hardback copy of Principia Discordia, several hundred dice of all sides and sizes, what would be a traditional Chinese dressing screen if not for an AT-AT subtly included in the background, several action figures of characters that NeS heroes share their namesakes with holding little protest signs that read "DOWN WITH THE SYSTEM" and "FOR THE LULZ" around an action figure of Thomas Hobbes, and several framed photos with the silhouettes of other Random Audience Members at the Arena, at Stonehenge, and at an official Mario Kart race, with each one displaying a Rachel with significantly different hair and fashion.

    Surprisingly, where one might expect a shrine dedicated to Gebohq instead occupies the one clean spot in the room, with only a solitary photo of Gebohq handing a doughnut to someone out of frame, and beside it, a closed diary.

    The characters: Rachel Pi and Gebohq Simon, entering the room still wet from their failed romantic boat ride. Despite their soaked condition, the two hold onto each other close, their smiles drunk with flirting fun. Rachel places a finger coyly on his mouth before she moves behind her dressing screen. Gebohq, eager for what one would expect a romantic couple to do in a bedroom, starts to take off his own wet clothes.

    As he readies to loosen his belt, though, the joy and giddiness drains from him without warning. He pulls out a prescription bottle from his trouser pocket with his right hand and holds it up to check its contents. The bottle is clearly labeled with the following:

    Prescribed by: Ariana, celestial healer
    Medication for Meta-clinical depression; dead Potential
    Take one pill every 2 pages or when plot convenience demands
    Gebohq shakes the plastic bottle only to hear the sound of a solitary item, and sighs. Rachel peers around her dressing screen and, noticing Gebohq's situation, drops her own mood. She steps behind from the screen, now wearing a red evening robe, and guides Gebohq to sit with her on a chest at the foot of her bed.

    They sit together there, silent, her right hand holding his left. Rachel looks into his eyes while he looks through the bottle and into a space that I, as the Narrator, have no wish to describe within this Never-ending Story.


    He lifts his head up to meet Rachel's eyes.

    Gebohq: "Rachel, I--"

    She interrupts him, unwilling to allow the weightiness to continue.

    Rachel: "--Shh, take it. We'll get more tomorrow. Tonight, we have fun."

    Gebohq: "I want to. I really want to..."

    Rachel: "And you can! The world won't end with us together. Literally -- you're not the main character anymore."

    Gebohq: "But what about the--"

    Rachel: "Let the others take care of it."

    Gebohq: "What if they can't? What if I'm needed?"

    Rachel: "The only place you're needed right now is here. Don't you understand? You get to have your happily ever after now, with me."

    Escape. Gebohq searches his soul for answers to escape the end of everything he knew himself to be, and finds no answer, no Writer's will to tell him what to do. Even when he died at Antestarr's hand and was at death's door, even when his Potential had died, even when his very existence along with all of the NeS threatened to fade away, those times do not compare to now to the palpable void of the truth present before him--

    Rachel: "You're not helping, Narrator! Listen, Geb, it's not the end of the world, remember?"

    He will die, and Rachel is his afterlife--

    Rachel: "Look, just take the pill."

    Rachel takes the prescription bottle from Geb and shakes the pill into his hand.

    Rachel: "For me. Please?"

    Gebohq nods, and swallows the pill.

    Rachel: "We'll cross this bridge some other time, after tonight, OK?"

    He looks up at Rachel, and a smile begins to grow.

    Rachel: "Right now, though, I need you to rescue me... from my dry spell."

    Something else of his begins to grow...

    Uh, right then. We'll give you two some romantic private time then.

  7. #1647
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Steamy Sex Scene

    Britt the Writer: "Nooo! I'm sick of this censorship rubbish! It's time for some proper hardcore sex scenes written into this story! It's not like anyone else is reading anyway..."

    Gebohq the Writer: "Bad Britt! No!"

    Britt the Writer: "You can't stop me, mwahahahahahahaha!!!!"


    Back in Rachel's bedroom Gebohq unfastens his belt and whips his trousers off to reveal his throbbing-- CENSORED! Rachel, an elegant Asian beauty, slips off her nightgown to reveal-- CENSORED!! The pair of them hop onto the bed and Gebohq begins to-- CENSORED!!! Rachel tries-- CENSORED!!!! Gebohq-- CENSORED!!!!! He-- CENSORED!!!!!!

    Gebohq: "I really wish the guy holding those censor signs would give us some privacy..."


    Britt the Writer: "I shall not be defeated! This will be the hottest, steamiest sex scene in history!"


    Gebohq kicks the guy holding the signs out of the room and then jumps back into the bed.

    Gebohq: "Where were we?"

    Rachel grabs her man and pulls him down -- below the steam.

    Rachel: "What the-? Where did all this steam come from!?"

    Gebohq: "You're just that hot, baby!"

    Rachel: "That was so cheesy... but it's true. I'm just that hot! Come here!"

    Steam envelops the room. The word "CENSORED" forms from the puffy clouds.


    Britt the Writer: "Nooooooo! Foiled again! It's time for me to break out the big guns. British sex words! I'm damn sure they'll get past the censor-- ACK!!"

    Britt the Writer was smacked by the Hammer of Mighty Censoring as thrown by Gebohq the Writer. Gebohq the Writer fist-pumps.

  8. #1648
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    In the Baba Yaga's walking hut, Al Ciao is sitting disconsolately on the floor, head in his hands. Lady Lightside is kneeling beside him, placing an arm comfortingly around him.

    Lady Lightside: Look at it this way, honey... you've already impregnated me. You don't really NEED a penis anymore.

    Al: But what about all those other fertile girls in the world? I want to, er, um, I--

    Lady Lightside has recoiled and is looking at him very coldly.


    Losien: Buck up, Al! We need to focus on rescuing my daughter!

    Polly: Actually, no we don't, Losie, dearie.

    Losien: Mum! Enough with the baby names!

    Polly: Whatever you say, Losie. But if Apple's been taken to the future, then that means there's no need to carbonize her! She's already in the future waiting. I can just be Regent for the next 500 years, make sure I'm around when she poofs back into the timeline, and hand off the scepter.

    TLTE: Da, that makes a strange kind of sense.

    Losien: But TLTE! That's my daughter we're talking about!

    TLTE: True. But you have to respect her wishes. It is part of parenthood, no? Letting them fly the, how do you say, nest. If she wants to become Empress...

    Losien sighs. Otter, meanwhile, is doing the hokey pokey.

    Maeve: Why so happy, Otter?

    Otter: You mean, other than the fact that none of us smell anymore?

    Maeve: Right.

    Otter: Or that we're in what is probably the safest place in this hellhole of a country?

    Maeve: Right.

    Otter: Well, I'm happy cuz I don't got anymore competition anymore!

    Maeve: ...what.

    Otter: Al doesn't have a penis, and TLTE is attached. Everyone else is free game!

    Maeve: The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest.

    Otter: ....dammit! Now I want to bang Losien!



    Five hundred years in the future, at the TEA, Frank Smith has just raised his fist to rap on the door to the Mysterious Person's office, when alarms start going off.

    Loudspeaker: Code Red! To arms! TEA HQ is under assault! The Jupiterites are upon us!

    There is a battle which I don't have enough time to relate, but of which Britt will no doubt want to pick up the slack. At the end of said battle, future Polly, decked in regal... regalia... marches through the corridor, sort of like Darth Vader at the beginning of Star Wars, to her granddaughter's cell.

    Future Polly: Rosebud Simon! Your incarceration is at an end, and not short enough it was! All hail the Empress of Jupiter!

    Jupiterite Stormtroopers: Hail!

    There is silence from the cell. Puzzled, Future Polly crinkles her brow and pulls open the door.

    Inside are Apple's clothes, strewn about on the floor. Future Polly sighs.

    Future Polly: I have REALLY got to have a talk with her about that...

  9. #1649
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow How Many Years?

    In the Writers' Realm...

    Britt the Writer: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"

    Al Ciao the Writer stares at Britt the Writer in surprise, hand frozen in place where it was about to put a mouthful of ice cream into his gob.

    Britt the Writer: "Don't scare me like that, dude! If ever you're going to move away from your computer again, please let me know first! I nearly had a heart-attack!"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Aw, c'mon, it's not been that long since my last post... sort of... maybe..."

    Britt the Writer: "What game are you playing now, eh?"

    Al Ciao the Writer scurries off quick as he could.

    Britt the Writer: "Oi! Was that my Ben & Jerry's you were scoffing!? Blasphemy! Infidel!"


    Back into the Story Realm, we rejoin our heroes in Burduni who have something of a dilemma on their hands.

    The Otter: "Damn right I do! I was to sleep with Losien but I don't want to be tortured by that Russian bear!"

    Maeve:"I don't think the Narrator was talking about you, mate."

    The Otter: "Oh right. I, uh, take it back..."

    Losien and TLTE both shake their heads and turn away from The Otter dismissively. Instead they lock eyes on each other.

    Losien: "I feel like you do not respect my daughter, TLTE. If you want this relationship of ours to last, you have to accept everything about me and my life. That includes her. She might not be your daughter biologically but I want you to love and cherish her as if she were you own!"

    TLTE: "It's a ninja assassin raised by my most hated enemy..."

    Losien: "So!? That just means she needs more love!"

    The Otter rubs his hands gleefully.

    The Otter: "Do I sense trouble in paradise?"

    Maeve: "But if they broke up, she wouldn't be forbidden fruit anymore. She'd not taste as good, mate."

    The Otter: "Bugger. You always have a way of ruining everything for me, you know that Maeve?"

    Maeve: "Hey, I just tell it like it is, fella! What about Rachel? She's trying to get shacked up with Gebohq again."

    The Otter: "And she Asian! That's kudos points, right?"

    TLTE: "I think my laskovaya is missing the point of my words. The girl is safe now, da? Your mother is going to save the girl in future. Then all is well."

    Losien: "What if I don't want her to be in the future? Besides, who said she went ahead five hundred years? She could be one-hundred years in the future. A thousand years in the future!"

    A distant memory (2 Pages ago) pops up;

    Meanwhile, 1000 years into the future...

    Apple: "Wait, what? You can't just skip 1000 years ahead of us without any kind of... of..."

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Uh... Plot Hole?"

    Britt the Writer: "I'll Plot Hole you in a minute!!"

    Britt the Writer dives at Al Ciao the Writer.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Not the hands!! I need them for playing Skyrim..."


    Polly: "So... she's 1000 years into the future? Not 500? That could be a problem..."

    She starts rubbing her chin.

    Polly: "I could still put Losien in carbonite, let her free in five hundred years and then another five hundred years from then I free Rosebud so she can become queen then!"

    Losien: "It's starting to sound like you've over-reached, mom."

    Polly: "No! I can manage this situation! Losien, you're coming with me!"

    TLTE: "I cannot let you do that. Even the mother-of-my-lover."

    Losien: "Oh, I see! You'll stand up for me, but not my daughter!?"

    TLTE wore that "I'm losing a battle I didn't know I was fighting" expression on his face as Losien shoves him aside.

    Losien: "I don't need you to protect me, TLTE. I'll save myself!"

    Polly: "Don't disobey your mother, Losien! I have a rolling pin somewhere and I'm willing to threaten you with it!"

    Losien: "I'm not a kid anymore!"

    Polly: "Then stop acting like one and do as I say!"


    Polly suddenly whips out some kind of sci-fi ray gun, complete with metal ball on the end and circles of neon lights. She squeezes the bright red trigger but Losien was already moving.

    Losien could see her soul somewhere ahead of her, pulling her out of harm's way. Turns out a freak accident involving interdimensional memory travels could be a positive thing!

    Everyone watches with shock as Losien leaps out of the window, rather unceremoniously, and Polly's ray gun sprays liquid carbonite. What Losien wouldn't know was that instead of her, Polly's spray strikes TLTE. Usually a totem pole of calm and cool, TLTE was taken by surprise. When the carbonite spray quickly froze TLTE he could easily have been mistaken for Han Solo.

    The Otter rushes to the window quickly to warn Losien. He sees her leap into the Swamp of Eternal Stench.

    The Otter: "LOSIEN!! WAIIIIIT!!"

    Lossien, who Otter could just see below him, cast a glance back at him.

    The Otter: "You're going to smell really, really bad again!!!"

    Losien then ignores him and swims away.

    Lady LightSide: "You should have told her about TLTE!"

    The Otter: "Priorities, woman!"

    Lady LightSide:

  10. #1650
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow New Quest?

    Polly looks the carbonited--


    Britt the Writer:


    -- TLTE up and down. She pokes him with the ray gun, which gave a resounding 'tink' of metal. She straightens her back and smiles.

    Polly: "At least I know it works now!"

    Lady LightSide: "You were going to use it on your daughter without testing it first!?"

    "Young Miss, when you find a way of redeeming yourself of all your billion sins then I will allow you to criticise my unorthodox methods."

    Lady LightSide:

    Polly: "Alright then Heroes of the NeS! You have a new quest! Find my daughter, and find her quickly!"

    Maeve: "So that you can freeze her in carbonite?"

    Polly: "So that she doesn't unravel time trying to save my granddaughter. The bonus is, I will freeze her in carbonite. Now, get going! I've already prepared your packed lunches!"

    The Otter: "Yay! Packed lunches! Do I have ham sandwiches!?"

    Polly: "Of course you do, Otty-wotty."

    Polly pinches The Otter's cheek.

    The Otter: "Is it awful that I still want to have sex with you?"

    Everyone else facepalms.

    Polly: "Of course not, dear. An Oedipus Complex is just what a growing boy like you needs!"

    Everyone else looks horrified.

    Polly: "Now hop it, you little tike!"

    Polly tickles The Otter. A little too intimately.

    Everyone else remains horrified before they silently file out of the room. Once on the porch of Baba Yaga's moving hut they survey the scenery to get a bearing.

    Al Ciao: "Are we just going to leave TLTE with Mommy Nympho in there?"

    Maeve: "Do you want to carry him?"

    Al Ciao: "Actually I do have robo-strength now!!"

    Lady LightSide: "Whoa-- no, no, no! Honey, darling, you've already caused enough damage with these robo-powers of yours. Perhaps... it would be safer to leave TLTE behind. We don't want any accidents, do we?"

    Evil G: "Heeeeeey, where did Loopy Lucy go?"

    Everyone else frowns.

    Evil G: "Voodoo Snowflakes."

    The Otter: "Oooh, she leapt out of the window when Polly said Losien was going to destroy time. Or whatever she said. I wasn't paying attention to... her voice..."

    Evil G: "You didn't think to tell anyone you saw this, Brainiac?"

    The Otter: "Like I said, I had my eyes on other things..."

    Evil G: "Dude, you know that's my mom, right? My alternate-dimension mom, but still..."

    The Otter: "... Sorry man. Your mum is one hot MILF!"

    Evil G grabs The Otter.

    The Otter: "Holy shi--!!"

    The Otter is thrown over the railing and he plunges into the stinking swampwater below.

    Evil G: "Anyone else?"

    Everyone shook their heads.

    Evil G: "Right then. Hey, actually, we're also missing that Dick Tracy wannabe."

    Maeve: "I'm pretty sure he disappeared after Losien. I think he has a some kind of Dark Knight thing going on."

    Evil G: "Seriously, I am so going to sign up for Hero Force One. You guys all suck. Let's go. Ready to take the plunge? Al, you're a heavy fella with all that metal, right? Make sure you land on Otter."

    Al Ciao: "Right-oh boss!"

    They heroes all dive from the walking house and begin their quest to find their wayward leader. Back in the hut, however, we have the frozen TLTE, Polly and Baba Yaga.

    Polly: "Now, Baba Yaga, about that fourth wish..."

    Baba Yaga: "Sorry, young 'un -- ha, geddit? Young 'un, cause you're not really -- well, nevermind. Your group only gets three wishes. Like a genie, remember?"

    Polly: "I have a ray gun that says otherwise."

    Baba Yaga's eyes flit from the ray gun to TLTE and back again.

    Baba Yaga: "What's your wish then, dear?"

  11. #1651
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Choosing Sides

    In the future...

    Frank Smith: "CynthAI! What the Hell is going on!?"

    He has grabbed a laz0r pistol from one of the weapons rooms and joined the other Time Cops in the shoot out against the invading Jupeterian Stormtroopers--

    Random Trooper: "Actually we prefer to be called Jupetroopers!"


    Jupetroopers: "Jupetroopers, GO!"

    Frank Smith resumes firing. A stray pink laser bolt hit the wall he is hiding behind, forcing him to hide further, tucking himself in.

    CynthAI: "It appears that you are in danger, Agent Smith."

    Frank Smith: "Why couldn't you tell me something useful!?"

    CynthAI: "The sky is blue because blue light from the sun is scattered across the at--"

    Frank Smith: "Not what I meant!"

    Suddenly there's a blinding flash. Frank conceals his eyes, but not before he saw some dark figures appear within the white light. When he opens them again he sees that all the Jupetroopers in the area are lying on the ground. In their place he sees a group of Time Cops. However he senses something unusual about them. They quickly conceal their weapons and turn on Frank.

    Time Cop #1: "Agent Frank Smith?"

    Frank Smith: "That's right."

    Frank gets to his feet, dusts himself off and tries his best to look presentable before these impressive gentlemen -- or at least not look like he had been about to pee himself moments ago.

    Time Cop #2: "Agent Smith, we are placing you under arrest."

    Frank Smith: "Shwa!?"

    One of the Time Cops places glowing sci-fi handcuffs on him.

    CynthAI: "Agent Smith, I believe this time you are truly fuc--"


    Elsewhere in the TEA HQ Apple has found herself some cozy air vents to crawl through, well out of the way of the action taking place below her. Every now and again she peeks through a grate to watch the fighting. The Time Cops, generally, were no match for the battle-primed Jupetroopers and their warrior skills. However the Time Cops were putting up a great fight, Apple had to admire that. Then again she also wondered why the Time Cops didn't know about this event in the future and send dudes back to deal with the problem!

    She crawls through more vents until she finds another interesting room. The Men's Room.

    She spends some time perving on a random Jupetrooper that used the urinal - due to a wild curiosity as to how the guy would manage to pee out of his armoured suit and a fascination with the male form - before she moves on and finds herself looking down at an unusual scene.

    A group of men, probably Time Cops, escorted Frank Smith into the room in cuffs. Apple smirks to herself, satisfied with the role reversal.

    Time Cop #1: "Agent Smith, you are in violation of an infinite number of time tears, holes and hexagons across a time period of no less than five hundred years."

    Frank Smith: "Five hundred years? Why only five hundred? And what violations!?"

    Time Cop #2: "You brought your prisoner back to the future, except you didn't go all the way to your own future. You only went forward five hundred years instead of one thousand."

    Frank Smith: "How did that happen!?"

    Time Cop #2: "Apparently there was some kind of Plot Hole storm right in the path of your time-stream. What were the chances of that, eh?"


    Al Ciao the Writer dances on his desk, his head bobbing up and down from his cubicle.

    Al Ciao the Writer:


    Frank Smith: "I don't think that's grounds to be arresting me, officers."

    Time Cop #1:
    "Actually we're from 1300 years into the future and in our time, as a result of your venture, it is an arrestable offence!"

    Frank Smith: "Does anyone else's brain hurt?"

    Time Cop #3: "Damn straight it does! We had to look at your list of infinite crimes! All the would-bes, could-bes, didn't-happens, might've-happeneds, might-still-happens!! Time Cop #5 had a stroke!"

    Frank Smith: "You can't arrest me on those grounds!!"

    Time Cop #1: "Actually--"

    Frank Smith: "Don't tell me, it's a future law that was created because of me?"

    Time Cop #2: "The woman you brought back is a significant criminal in the eyes of TEA - she's her own mother for God's sake - however worse still is the father... these superheroes--"

    Time Cop #3: "Uh, they call them Characters, see?"

    Time Cop #3 flashes an electronic future document at his companion.

    Time Cop #2: "These Characters are going to try and take her Back to the Past--"

    Frank Smith laughs at the joke. The Time Cops glare at him.

    Time Cop #2: "Because they're Characters that actually makes this a possibility! And so, your bringing the time fugitive here caused all this mess and is probably going to stop us all from existing."

    Time Cop #3: "Yeah! Stupid!"

    Frank Smith: "And why is the TEA under attack?"

    Time Cop #2: "They're here for the Queen of Jupiter. The time fugitive you brought back here. One more crime you're responsible for..."

    Time Cop #4: "You know what we could do with him?"

    The other Time Cops look to their formerly silent comrade.

    Time Cop #4: "Erase his time-stream completely. That would save time, restore us all and things would progress as they should."

    The Time Cops all stand in silent contemplation.

    Frank Smith: "You're not actually considering this, are you? You're Time Cops! That's not what we do!"

    Time Cop #1: "Actually we're from your future, we do what we must do. All because of you."

    Time Cop #4: "If we do this, we should also destroy the time anomaly you avoid anyone else trying to bring her back here."

    Time Cop #1: "And these Characters?"

    Time Cop #4: "No need. Once the daughter ceases to exist the father will never attempt to breach time."

    Time Cop #3: "Alright, I say we rock, paper, scissors for it. First we see who'll do the Agent in, then who'll do-- ACK!"

    The Time Cops all fall to the ground in bloodied heaps.

    Apple: "Looks like we're on the same side, Agent Smith."

    Apple materialises right in front of Frank. Frank recoils in horror.

    Frank Smith: "Put some clothes on!!"

    Apple: "What's your problem? I thought you were full-throttle gay?"

    Frank Smith: "Exactly why I'm revolted!!"

    Apple: "Wow... pride... destroyed."

  12. #1652
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    As Britt the Writer comes to, his head fogged with the aftereffects of chloroform, all is blackness.

    Voice: Awake now, are we? Good.

    The blackness falls away as the bag over Britt the Writer's head is pulled off, revealing to his slowly focusing vision Geb the Writer, standing before him with a sternly disapproving expression on his face. Britt the Writer is sitting in a chair, hands and legs bound.

    Britt the Writer: Whuh...?

    Geb the Writer: Quiet! I'll do the talking.

    Britt the Writer: But where am...?

    Geb the Writer slaps him with a week-old flounder.

    Geb the Writer: I said QUIET!

    Britt the Writer: It couldn't be fresh trout?

    Geb the Writer slaps him again. Britt the Writer takes the hint.

    Geb the Writer: Do you know what you've done? I have the files right here.

    He pulls a manilla folder from somewhere and leafs through it, muttering imprecations as he lists Britt the Writer's offenses.

    Geb the Writer: Multiversal empires? Time travel? Powerplaying Iriana? Do you realize the implications?!

    Britt the Writer is silent.

    Geb the Writer: Answer me!

    Britt the Writer: But you said--

    Geb the Writer: Answer me or I break out the butterknives.

    Britt the Writer: Um, then... no? I was just writing cool posts and--

    Geb the Writer slaps him again.

    Geb the Writer: What did I tell you about talking?

    Britt the Writer:

    Geb the Writer: Al is in recovery, Britt! Powerplayers Anonymous! Meetings twice a week! But reading your posts is sending him into remission! Look at the poor fellow - he's got the jitters bad!

    Geb the Writer nods his head to the corner of the room. Britt the Writer follows his gaze to see Al Ciao the Writer sitting on the floor, eyes crazed and boggled, arms wrapped around his knees, rocking back and forth, muttering under his breath, and twitching rather jerkily.

    Britt the Writer: Are you sure that's not just because you broke his Skyrim game--

    Geb the Writer slaps him three times.

    Britt the Writer: JEEZ! Enough with the fish!

    Geb the Writer smiles evilly. He tosses the week-old flounder aside and pulls out an assortment of butterknives.

    Geb the Writer: As you say. But we are just getting started....

  13. #1653
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    500 years in the future, we see Frank talking to himself in an otherwise empty jail cell. Well, empty except for the corpses of 4 Time Cops from even farther in the future.

    Frank: Oh, for heaven's sake, just put some clothes on!

    A voice answers him out of the air, revealing that Frank is not in fact totally wacko.

    Apple: Pfft, this is easier anyway, if we're gonna be sneaking out of here.

    Frank: Well, that's just dandy for you. You can go all invisible. What am I supposed to do?

    Apple: What? You're some super high-tech futuristic agent, and you don't have some kind of, I don't know, personal stealth generator?

    Frank: No, of--

    He stops.

    Frank: CynthAI?

    CynthAI: As a matter of fact, I do come equipped with a personal stealth field generator. And personal hover capability. And personal force shield generation. And--

    Frank: Why the hell wasn't I made aware of this?

    CynthAI: I believe at the time you were too infatuated by the boyish tech who was explaining all this to you to listen to what he was saying. You may recall - the boy you threw away your husband to have a torrid affair with?

    Frank: HE WAS NOT A BOY!

    Apple: Riiiiiiiight, I don't think this is the time. Just activate your stealth generator, yeah? In fact....

    She bends over - well, she's invisible, so we can't actually see it - and pulls off the Time Agent wristband from one of the even more futuristic Time Cop corpses. As soon as she slips it on her wrist, an eerily familiar voice speaks from it.

    Wristband: Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI online. Activate personality matrix?

    Frank: Wait a second - I had an option to keep Cynthai's personality from--

    CynthAI: Nope. I'm a Mark II.

    Frank: Dammit!

    Apple: Hmm, what personalities are available?

    Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI: Assessing available matrices. Snooty Butler. Condescending Henpeck. Sran Cadpill. Gourmet Chef--

    Apple: Wait, Sran Cadpill? Wasn't that the name of Loopy Lucy's made-up captain person thingy?

    Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI: Affirmative. In A.D. 2047, a neuranagrammic download transferred the Sran Cadpill animus from living cerebral tissues to my databanks.

    Apple: I know a dangling plot hook when I see one. I'll take it.

    Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI: Affirmative. Booting up personality matrix: CaptAI. Please hold...

    Elevator music begins playing as Apple, Frank, and CynthAI wait.

    Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI: We are experiencing longer than usual load times. Thank you for holding...

    Apple: This is gonna take a while, isn't it?

    CynthAI: Hypothesis: loading an entire living personality, rather than a synthetic program, would reasonably take much longer, involving more data.

    A shadow falls over them as someone walks through the doorframe. Apple drops into a combat crouch - invisible except for the telltale floating wristband that gives her away, and Frank reaches for his laz0r pistol. A horse-headed humanoid with hooves for feet and wearing an Olympian style toga, raises his palms in a nonthreatening manner.

    New Arrival: Hold. I am not here to hurt you.

    Frank: Who are you?

    New Arrival: I am the HorseGod.

    Apple: I guess the world's oldest profession would have a god of its own.

    HorseGod: I said HORSE God, not WHORES God. Don't get me started on that manslut.

    Frank: I think I remember you. You were in the database of influential cosmic figures, paragons, and deities. None of you are THAT influential, though.

    HorseGod: Correct. Once there were many cosmic archbeings; now they have never existed, or else exist but have never had that level of power.

    Apple: This sounds suspiciously like one of those time-erasure things those Time Cops were talking about...

    HorseGod: Exactly. There was... a great evil, a master archvillain whose schemes wreaked havoc with the NeSiverse on the grandest of scales. Even the cosmic archbeings were subject to his whims. But then a strange creature, a... Shade, of sorts... walked across time and memory, and sealed the master archvillain's works within a Pit of Black Pages, erasing them from time. Destinies were rewritten, great cities thrown into ignominy, deities depowered.

    Apple: Wait, you said, a Shade? I just had an adventure where we fought this dude who...

    She furrows her brow.

    Apple: Come to think of it, I can't remember exactly who he was.

    Frank: Okay, so what's the big deal? Archvillain's gone, his creations are gone, no problem.

    HorseGod: There is one, who through vile rituals and incantations of summoning, is awakening the archvillain within the Abyss of Ebon Script.

    CynthAI: Impossible. Once something is erased from time, there is no way to recover it.

    HorseGod: True. But this reckless summoner is capable of the impossible - capable and revels in it.

    Frank: Who is this summoner?

    HorseGod: He is a ghost in the system... I cannot find him, have no idea where to look, but his presence is felt. I only know his name: Britt the Writer.

    Frank snorts, but Apple pales.

    Apple: I've been around the NeS long enough to know that Writers can seriously muck things up.

    Frank: Oh my god, don't tell me you're one of those idiotic NeStianites.

    Apple: If you'd seen what I've seen, you know it's true. But yes, I agree, the truth is quite idiotic. But who is this archvillain that Britt the Writer is summoning with his posts?

    HorseGod: His name... is Al Ciao.

    Frank bursts out laughing.

    Frank: Him? He's a joke! A henpecked, castrated cyborg with god-awful hair.

    Apple: Hey! He was almost my father. A little respect, huh? But he is right, I don't see how--

    HorseGod: This troubles me. I don't know the answer. Perhaps there is another Al Ciao? Or perhaps the one you know is a shell of the horror I sense, slowly awakening and unfurling back into reality.

    CynthAI: Clearly you must have a plan, or you wouldn't have sought us out.

    HorseGod: Yes. Without the other cosmic archbeings existing anymore, having been erased or depowered by the Shade, I am the most competent deity, so the task falls to me. Apple is a temporal anomaly, and Frank has caused another one by arresting her. The two of you together, brought to a locus point in time and space, could be enough to catalyze a paradimensional reset and make sure that this Al Ciao, the villainous one, never rises again.

    Frank: That's the biggest load of crap I've ever--

    Apple: Nope, it makes perfect sense. Well, using NeS logic. Ha. I said 'logic'.

    Frank: Fine. I'm on the run now anyway, it seems. Let's go. 'Port us out, HorseGod!

    HorseGod: I'm a god of HORSES, not super duper powers. About all I can do is live forever, run really fast, and say Neigh in a couple thousand different languages.

    Apple: Wait, then how did you get here?

    HorseGod: Duh. I waited. You did catch the 'I can live forever' part, didn't you?

    Frank: Right then. CynthAI, 'port us out.

    CynthAI: Destination?

    Frank and Apple look at the HorseGod.

    HorseGod: Burundi. A.D. 2014.

    Frank nods, there is a swirling of neon lights and as the three disappear, a voice can be heard fading away...

    Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI: We are experiencing longer than usual load times. Thank you for holding......

  14. #1654
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    The HorseGod, Apple, and Frank (and CynthAI. And Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI come to think of it) shimmer into the timestream once more, appearing within the Swamp of Eternal Stench of Burundi.

    Frank: Wait - why did I agree so readily to come back here? That stink! And Losien and Polly are gonna be mad as all hell at me--

    Apple: You were railroaded by the plot of course. Okay, what now, HorseGod.

    HorseGod: You're in a major story locus, the plot should start shifting any moment--

    With a WHOOOOOOOOOSH that sounds suspiciously like a very gigantic toilet flushing, the Forbidden Palace appears floating above the swamps of Burundi, in the midst of Jim's angels doing a divebombing on Justin Bieber's dryads. A wing of several dozen Chinese dragons lift off from the floating Chinese palace to defend their Emperor's home. Dropships come from the sky, disgorging present-day Jupetroopers commanded by present-day Regent Polly to serve their mistress. Packs of newly created NeSferatu swarm through the Forbidden Palace and the swamps, causing chaos and creating more of their kind in the name of Antestarr and Nyneve. Finally, platoons of Time Agents appear in a vain attempt to sort out this godawful mess.

    Apple and Frank:

    HorseGod: Oh. Excellent.

    Apple: Wait, how is this GOOD?

    HorseGod: Well, they'll all duke it out, and eventually Powerplaying Iriana--

    Apple: Who?

    HorseGod: --will exert her OPness and take over all the factions and turn them all against the world under her command. Then all we have to do is defeat her, and presto! Time smoothed over, master archvillain laid to rest before he fully wakes.

    Apple: -_- That's "all" we have to, huh?

    Frank: And what about us in the meantime?

    HorseGod: What about us?

    Frank: Well, there are some angry Jupetroopers, Time Agents, angels, dryads, vampires, and dragons - oh, and another T-Rex! - coming out way.

    HorseGod: Ah. Knew there some niggling detail I was forgetting.



    In a very steamy room - literally, vision is completely obscured - we hear Geb and Rachel cooing at each other in the afterglow of love.

    Geb: Was it just me, or did the earth move for you too?

    Rachel: Oh, hon, it moved for me LOTS of times... unless you mean that one quaking sensation that felt like the plot flushing and the entire floating palace getting shifted through space?

    They look at each other as best as they can through the steam for a moment.

    Rachel & Geb: Naaaaaaaah.


    In the Massassi Writers' offices, Geb the Writer storms into Al Ciao the Writer's cubicle.

    Geb the Writer: Dammit, I was too late! I didn't stop Britt in time!

    Al Ciao the Writer: What? At least I posted.

    Geb the Writer: But did you have to be needlessly arbitrary about flushing all the plots and conjoining them into one horrific melee?

    Al Ciao the Writer: Had to, if I was gonna make it all epic like that.

    Geb the Writer: But it's needlessly epic!

    Al Ciao the Writer: *shrug* That's Britt's fault.

    Geb the Writer: Not to mention horrendously complicated.

    Al Ciao the Writer: Eh. Let Britt sort it.

    Britt the Writer: I heard that! Wanker!

    Al Ciao the Writer: Tosser!

    Geb the Writer: Oh God, the British swear words are contagious.....

  15. #1655
    Geb the Writer: " sort it out then."

    Britt the Writer: "What? He leaves me a mess and I'm expected to clean it up?"

    Geb the Writer left before Britt the Writer could finish his protest.

    Britt the Writer: "Well, at least I have someone else to write with, if nothing else--"

    He stops abruptly as Al Ciao the Writer, who was just next to him a moment ago, is now nowhere to be seen.

    Britt the Writer: "Not again!"


    Within the NeS, far away from the recent chaos, Janitor Bob cleans the floors of an old middle school. His head perks up in attention.

    Janitor Bob: "I sense a very strong mess has arisen..."

    He hums in deep, considerate thought.

    Janitor Bob: "...Glad I'm not cleaning that up!"

    And with that, he returns to his cleaning.


    Down the empty cubicles, Geb the Writer walks slowly by. Chairs once filled by writers like Janitor Bob, Semievil, Krig, Antestarr, and The Last True Evil seat only memories now. The Massassi Offices as a whole see fewer people roaming about, with recent break-ins discouraging even more from returning, leaving only the infrequent argument heard between those too stubborn to leave. The future of the NeS thread is thinning fast, and in more ways than one...
    Last edited by Gebohq; 02-06-2014 at 12:35 AM.

  16. #1656
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Plan 9 from Outer Space

    Britt the Writer looks over Al Ciao the Writer's post. After chuckling, then shaking his head and then blanching he takes a much needed shot of tea.

    Britt the Writer: "This is just cruel and unusual!!"

    He takes another shot.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "You can't do shots of tea!"

    Britt the Writer: "You're back again!!"

    Al Ciao the Writer:
    "Uh, sure... I totally didn't come back just to pick up my Doctor Who DVDs."

    Britt the Writer: "Hahaha, yeah! Who buys DVDs these days, eh? Eh? Al? Little swine!"

    Britt the Writer cracks his neck.

    Britt the Writer: "Right. Lastfm on. Sound up. Sound up MORE. Let's do this!"

    "Oliver's Army" by Elvis Costello begins to play and Britt the Writer takes one last shot of tea.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Can't do tea shots!"


    Time Cop #426: "Holy crapcakes! This is crazier than that last story arc!"

    Time Cop #689: "Dude, why is your number so big!? There's not that many Time Cops here. Whoa, why's mine so big!?"

    Frank Smith: "I've said that before."

    Time Cop #689: "Oh hey Frank. How's it goin- ouch."

    Frank Smith clobbers Time Cop #689, knocking the man out cold.

    Time Cop #426: "Why, Frank!? Why!!?"

    Frank Smith: "I'm a wanted man now, Time Cop #426. I have to do what I have to do to survive."

    Far Future Time Cop: "Actually you're not wanted by those Time Cops. Those Time Cops are 500 years into the future Time Cops. You're wanted by us. We're 1200 years into the future Time Cops."

    Time Cop #426's brain melts from sudden confusion.

    Far Future Time Cop: "And now you're also wanted for murdering several of our colleagues."

    Frank Smith: "Actually that was Apple."

    He jerks a thumb at thin air.

    Frank Smith: "Aw, c'mon man."

    Frank Smith legs it.


    Gebohq the Wriiter: "So, your solution to the craziness Al put in, is to make it more confusing?"

    Britt the Writer:

    Gebohq the Writer: "No sunglasses in the house!"


    High above Burundi, standing in the clouds that keep the Emperor's Palace afloat is Emperor Pi himself. After Amal's Team had gone searching for Antestarr, the Emperor had hitched a lift from Long Xiang back home. The sudden disturbance interrupted his tea-drinking and he came to inspect what the Hell was going on outside.

    A panda-servant, dressed like a British butler, stands beside the Emperor holding a tray of tea - cups and pot. Emperor Pi takes one of the small china glasses and takes a sip.

    Emperor Pi: "I fear this tea may be too weak, George. I need something with a little more... kick."

    The panda takes deftly replaces the tea in the pot with a bag of fresh leaves - all with one hand. He clicks his fingers and hot water pours into the pot.

    An angel is tackled to the ground, a few metres away from the Emperor, by one of his protective dragons. Emperor Pi gently takes a new cup of the fresh tea and sips it. He nods in satisfaction and continues to watch the battle ensue.

    It was a rather confusing mess with the various factions fighting each other - apparently for no reason other than they were there.

    The panda butler takes a step back. Emperor Pi suddenly reacts to the angel's presence, who was trying to sneak up on him, by grasping the angel's out-stretched wrist, pulling and spinning the angel in the air like a drill. He let go and the angel falls to the ground in a confused, dizzy heap. Emperor Pi, who had done all of this with one hand, sips the tea in his other hand.


    Somewhere below the Palace, Losien is walking beneath its shadow. She catches glimpses of the chaos raging above her through gaps in the jungle canopy. She shakes her head.

    Losien: "Never a dull moment."

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "That's the Never-ending Story for you."

    Voodoo Snowflakes steps from the conveniently shadowy jungle in front of Losien. She stares at the Main Character with wide, manic eyes that are rimmed with red stress marks.

    The upright posture of Sran Cadpill is replaced by a hunch, Cadpill's expressive gestures are replaced with twitches and teeth grinding.

    Losien: "I kind of expected something like this would happen eventually. Care to explain what's going on, Voodoo?"

    Voodoo Snowflakes smiles. But gone was her own sarcastic smile of the past, nor was it the proud and self-satisfied smile of Sran Cadpill. This smile was a lob-sided grin that miss-matched her staring eyes.

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "Does it matter?"

    Losien: "Yes, actually, it does matter. We could probably avoid this if we just sit down and have a nice chat about your problems. I'm a very good listener."

    Voodoo Snowflakes cackles.

    Losien: "That's not a good sign, is it?"

    Voodoo runs at Losien with an aggressive speed that surprises Losien.

    Fred, Teh Uber Blade: "Unholster me!"

    Losien: "I don't want to hurt her!"

    Fred, Teh Uber Blade: "Me neither! Even crazies need hot lovin'!"

    Losien: "Shut up, blade!"

    Carlotta the Cape: "Actually, he's probably right. A good roll in the hay would settle this little strumpet right down."

    Losien cries out as she stumbles back, avoiding a wicked strike from Voodoo's knife. The manic woman tries again and Losien ducks to the left.

    Fred, Teh Uber Blade: "Well if you're not going to let me stab her, heh heh heh... then you'd better get ready for fisticuffs!"

    Carlotta the Cape: "Just like a good old Hollywood action movie!"

    Losien clenches her fist and throws her punch, connecting with Voodoo's jaw. Miraculously this forces Voodoo to drop her knife and a brawl ensues.


    Nyneve runs her hand across Antestarr's chest. They are standing in the ruins of a small stone structure, looking out at the devastation. Several other NeSferatu are present, the children of Antestarr and Nyneve.

    Nyneve: "You've been a busy bee, haven't you?"

    Antestarr: "That's my path. I didn't do it for you."

    Nyneve: "Maybe not, but I'm still pleased as punch."

    Antestarr: "Bully for you."

    Nyneve: "Ooooh, don't be so hard on me. It's not my fault! I saved you, remember?"

    Antestarr: "Saved?"

    Nyneve: "Oh stop with the bloody moping. I'm going to cut that emo fringe in a minute."

    Antestarr: "I'll cut your fingers off."

    Nyneve: "What is your problem? You seemed to be enjoying yourself when you were making your little flock."

    She looks around.

    Nyneve: "Maybe a little too much, actually. Oh wait, I get it. There's one in particular you want to turn, isn't there?"

    Antestarr: "Don't talk about her."

    Nyneve: "Why are you so obsessed with this obsessed with this one, Antestarr? You've never exactly been, shall we say, romantic. You can't be that in love, can you? Or is it because she's the one that got away? All these other women were happy to fall into your arms (well, most of them anyway) but she refused. The one you wanted to turn, and she refused you. Kind of makes you seem a little... weak, doesn't it?"

    Antestarr: "What did you call me?"

    Nyneve: "I didn't call you anything. I'm just talking about how you feel. You feel pathetic, am I right? The big bad Antestarr the anti-hero, turned away by a little, cute Japanese girl."

    Antestarr: "You obviously don't know Subaru very well."

    Nyneve: "Maybe not. But how could she refuse you? Did you really turn your back on her, or did she turn her back on you?"

    Antestarr's frown deepens. His eye flicked in Nyneve's direction. She was a beautiful, seductive version of Grima Wormtongue. And he loved her for it. If ever there was a woman he wanted whispering seditious things in his ear, it was Nyneve.

    Antestarr: "What does it matter now?"

    She would tell him what he wanted to hear. He already knew what she would say, but he wanted validation. He wanted someone to tell him how right he was.

    Nyneve: "You are powerful, Antestarr. You were awesome before I turned you, you are now even more awesome. You were never truly one of these heroes. Once you were a pirate, a bandit, an outlaw. You took what you wanted..."

    Antestarr closes his eyes.

    When he opens them again, they are filled with purpose.

    Antestarr: "Minions. Go find Subaru Yamamoto and bring her to me."


    Al Ciao's eyes flare red for an instant before a beam, not too dissimilar from Cyclops of the X-Men, propels from his eyes and burns through a NeSferatu, angel, Time Cop and dryad all at once. All four of them wail as they are vaporised in an instant.

    Lady LightSide throws herself at Al Ciao's chest in a Cheesecake & Beefcake-esque fashion.

    Lady LightSide: "My big, manly hero!"

    Evil G: "Manly? That's debatable."

    Al Ciao appears dejected.

    Maeve, who had been hiding behind Al Ciao and his robo-eyes-of-doom, peeks out and folds her arms.

    Maeve: "Actually, you know I've been thinking about this..."

    Evil G: "About Al's manhood? And here I thought you'd moved on from all that."

    Maeve ignores Evil G.

    Maeve: "In the future they must have all kinds of crazy bio-tech, right? They could probably grow you a new penis!"

    Al Ciao suddenly brims with enthusiasm.

    Al Ciao: "You mean... the QUEST FOR MY PENIS IS STILL ON!?"

    Lady LightSide: "Sounds good to me!"

    Evil G: "Bollocks..."

    Al Ciao slaps Evil G's back.

    Al Ciao: "Exactly, Evil G! Exactly."


    Amal: "How the Hell did we get here!?"

    Soriel: "I think it was some kind of Great Plot Shift!"

    Dryads burst from the soil, like overly eager plants (except with limbs, faces, personalities and boobs), and charge at the heroes without explanation. Vines snap from the trees and start lashing the group, hindering their escape.

    Amal stumbles over a moving tree root, narrowly avoids falling into the smelly swampwater and finally leaps over a random, and very confused, crocodile. As he runs he sees a vine wrap itself around Couchman's neck and hoist him up into the canopy. After a brief pleading shout, Amal continues to flee in panic.

    He sees Subaru ahead fighting with a dryad woman but as he gets closer the taller plant-woman overpowers Subaru and she too is captured as the tree bark snaps open and seems to swallow Subaru.

    Amal then feels something strike his face and he spins out of control until he falls to the earth with zero dignity. Something sits on top of him. As he struggles to see what it was, he finds a very attractive, though bark-like, woman straddling him. She was sat on his back, forcing him to keep eating soil.

    Dryad #426:"Master Beiber will be very happy with us. He might even let us kiss his feet."

    Dryad: #689: "Or even his fingernails!"

    Amal can hear his friends bickering.

    Couchman: "Even you were caught, Soriel?"

    Iriana Emp: "He was caught first!"

    Couchman: "I guess the rumours about you being a super, deadly swordsman weren't true?"

    Soriel: "I'm above that now."

    Couchman: "Oh, you are, are you? Those skills would have been kind of helpful right now."

    Soriel: "I have a much better design. I let them capture me. No point in resisting, they control this whole jungle."

    Couchman: "Just great. Well, while you enact your design, I shall design something of my own. Now only if I could get my hands free and get hold of some duct tape, rope, a pencil sharpener and a door handle I could probably make some kind of make-shift device that would lever--"

    While Couchman continued to impress Iriana Emp with his Renaissance Man skills, Soriel shouts to their fallen leader.

    Soriel: "Amal, you have to save us!"

    Amal frowns.

    Amal: "Are you kidding me? That was your big plan? Me? I've got a frickin' woman sitting on me!"

    Soriel smiles darkly.

    Soriel: "Exactly."


    High, high, high, high... high, high, high, HIGH above the world are... stars. More specifically there's also Empress Iriana Emp of the Megaverse, Quantumverse and SuperOmniOmegaverse. She floats slowly in orbit around the Earth, curled into a foetal position. For the first time she appears quite innocent, sleeping peacefully. Empathy tells you that there's something still good within her, that she could be turned good again. Michael was turned good, right?

    But you'd be wrong.

    Empress Iriana's eyes flicker open and in them is nothing but conquest, domination and destruction. The world was already hers, it just didn't know it yet.

    She stretches out, straining her limbs in their sleepiness. She rubs her eye. Licks her lips. Then suddenly flies straight down towards the Earth, leaving a trail of fire behind her. As she zoomed through the Earth's gravity, Burundi draws closer and closer.


    Al Ciao the Writer: "You're doing a good job of sorting out my mess there, dude."

    Britt the Writer grumbles.

    Britt the Writer: "You're still here? I thought you got your DVDs."

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Actually, Geb changed all my Doctor Who discs for Teletubbies discs. I'm on a quest to find my real DVDs. Have you finished your post, you can help me look."

    Britt the Writer: "I'm never finished!"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "There was a time when that thrilled me. Now I can only find solace in Skyrim..."

    Britt the Writer slaps Al Ciao the Writer.

    Britt the Writer: "Wake up, man! There is awesomeness afoot!"


    For the finale of our post, we move away from the action taking place in the little-known land of Burundi and move to The White House, Washington D.C., The United States of America. In the oval office, Arkng Thand, President of the USA, watches his screens intently. He can see it all. Losien and Voodoo Snowflakes. Frank Smith and the invisible Apple. Antestarr and Nyneve. Al Ciao, Soriel. The view of Amal was most unusual.

    One of the screens changes and Thrawn42689 appears.

    Thrawn42689: "Master Thand, the situation escalates. Shall I enact Plan 8?"

    Arkng Thand: "Not yet. I believe Plan 9 from outer space is about to arrive. She'll take care of them all for us. Then we enact Plan 8 and take her out. The pieces are falling into place and soon we will have averted the end of the NeS."

  17. #1657
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Plan 8 from the Domestic Wristwatch

    Something strikes the clouds close to Emperor Pi. The Emperor glances down at the hole left in the wake of the comet. He sips some tea.

    He sighs slowly. The impulsive behaviour of young people never ceased to amaze him. Even if that young person was probably a few billion centuries old, she was still young in the mind.

    He steps aside.

    Empress Iriana Emp bursts from the clouds where he had just been stood.

    Empress Iriana Emp:"I knew it. I sensed power here."

    Emperor Pi: "My dear, why don't you sit down and enjoy a cup of Earl Gray tea with me? I assure you, I have the finest blend."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "I don't drink tea."

    Emperor Pi: "Now that is a shame. And will be your downfall."

    Empress Iriana Emp had the very sensible reaction of confusion.

    Emperor Pi: "I do enjoy the company of your counterpart. She is a wonderful young woman who has exactly taste in refinement and tea leaves. It is a shame she couldn't become one of my wives. I would have enjoyed her presence immensely."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "She is nothing. She is pathetic. I am everything!"

    The Empress moves at the speed of light, her fist thrust forth as her instrument of death. There is a resounding boom and a break in the air ripples outward from the connection of her fist... his to open palm.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Whoa!"

    Emperor Pi has a final sip from his china teacup and gently places it onto the tray still held out by his panda-butler.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "So this world's champion is an old man? That explains why I experience nothing but weakness here."

    Emperor Pi: "And your world is represented by a spoilt child whose father didn't give her anything she needed and only power which she did not deserve."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "What the--!? You don't know my father! How dare you!?"

    Emperor Pi: "I know he wasn't there for you."

    The Chinese Emperor blocks another strike as she unleashes her anger upon him. Their blows were faster than the average eye could see. The Empress jumps into the air before crashing down again. This time she struck the cloud with force instead of passing through it (see "Magickal Cloud Mechanics 101" for an explanation). The shockwave sent fluffy clouds tumbling in all directions but the Emperor was gone.

    She cast an eye towards the over-sized palace and she sees him standing on the steps, drinking tea again. His composure angered her even further. How could he be so calm?

    She ran towards him and as she did, she realised he was now taking the offensive and ran to her. His yellow robes billowed out majestically, his hat refused to be displaced. She struck out, her fist clenched tightly but she hit nothing but air as he ducked. He grabs her out-stretched arm and throws her over his shoulder.

    Emperor Pi: "I'm sorry that your father gave you no attention. He should have been with you instead of leaving you on that island. He should have trained you and taught you. He should never have burdened you with his power if he never gave you love with it."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Shut up, you old fool. I don't need this lecture. My father was nothing compared to me. I did everything he did and more."

    Emperor Pi: "Oh really? So you have a child?"

    Another flash of anger and she was in the air. Before she could do anything the Emperor leaps up, grabs her ankle and throws her to the ground with a soft, yet firm, thump.

    Emperor Pi: "In this world your father did something great."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "And I guess you'll tell me what that is?"

    Emperor Pi: "He stopped being your father."

    Empress Iriana Emp frowns up at him as she lay on the cloud.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "What do you mean?"

    Emperor Pi: "You were emancipated. You could do as you liked, without being under his influence. He never gave you these uncontrollable powers. He never left you a horrid legacy to take on as your own. In fact, he gave up being a Powerplayer. He became... likeable."

    The Emperor had expected some glimmer of hope within the child empress. He hoped to see some light at the end of the tunnel. But as I, the Narrator, already said. He'd be wrong.

    She laughed.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Then he is as weak as the rest of this pathetic universe. I will find him and I will destroy him in my father's honour. He would be ashamed of being anything but the greatest. First I will snap your frail, old bones."

    She stands up quickly and snaps her arms in a cross motion. Energy blasts form where he hands crossed and lash out towards the old emperor. His eyes widen with surprise.


    Losien strikes Voodoo in the stomach. The blonde woman groans from the unexpected pain but her anger doesn't subside. She clutches Losien's shoulders but then digs her nails in. Losien, distracted, is headbutted in the face.

    Losien staggers back, blood gushing from her nose. Voodoo Snowflakes tackles Losien to the ground, not seeing the hill behind Losien. They both fall and roll down the steep hill until they slam into the earth at the bottom. Fortunately swampland is usually damp and soft, but Losien still felt a lot of aches and pains across her body.

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "I will stop you, Losien. I will stop you. I will stop you. I will stop you. I will--"

    She lands on top of Losien and punches the Main Character across the jaw. Losien sees stars swirling before her eyes. But she also sees something through them. A pale, ghostly image of her own arm, her spirit's arm, grasping a branch of wood beside her. She reaches out, takes it, and throws all of her weight behind it.

    Voodoo cries out and falls from her perch. She crawls away from Losien, clutched her head with one hand. Losien scrambles to her feet, determined to keep the sudden advantage.

    Losien: "Please, just tell me, what you think I'm going to do? I'll stop now, you don't have to force me."

    Voodoo falls onto her bottom and looks up into the sky, clearing her head. Losien sees the deep wound on her temple where the branch had caught her.

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "Let me ask you something. What would you do to save your daughter?"

    Losien: "Anything. I'd do anything to save her."

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "Exactly why I have to stop you."

    She suddenly flings a clump of mud into Losien's eyes and leaps to her feet. Losien reels away.


    Amal: "Okay, okay, I'll try!! This is going to be so stupid."

    Couchman: "Just do it already, kid. You're our only hope."

    Amal: "Erm, excuse me. Miss?"

    Couchman: "... smooth."

    Dryad #426: "I'm not supposed to talk to you."

    Amal: "I guessed that. But since you're... sitting on me, I thought we should really get to... know each other..."

    Couchman: "Has this kid ever actually spoken to a woman before?"

    Soriel: "He doesn't have to..."

    The dryad looks down at him. Amal could see a change in her large black eyes. A softness forms.

    Soriel: "He has the potential to be the Main Character. Every character can fall in love with them, without seeming explanation. It's within him somewhere. He can draw it out."

    Amal: "Uh... you can... kiss my fingernails... if you'd like?"

    Couchman winces.

    Couchman: "I can't watch this debacle. He spits in the face of everything romantic about love."

    Iriana Emp: "And I know how romantic you truly are, Sir Couchman."

    Dryad #426: "My... you are so handsome."

    Amal: "I am?"

    Couchman: "He is?"

    Soriel: "Doesn't matter! He is if he's the Main Character. Amal, now."

    Amal: "Could you let me up please? My... uh... my, dear?"

    Dryad #426: "Maybe... but I like having you where you are."

    She begins to run her hands through his hair.

    Soriel: "By the Writers... PG 13! PG 13! Stop! Stop!"

    Amal: "Um... wait, Miss Dryad... Lady... Perhaps we should go somewhere together? Just me and you? Not here in a jungle. This isn't very... romantic... is it?"

    He glances at Couchman.

    Amal: "Is it?"

    Dryad #426: "Well... okay."

    She stands up and holds out her hand to help him up. The other dryads become aware of this and look at her questioningly.

    Dryad #426: "I... want this one."

    Dryad #689: "What? What do you mean? You can't have him."

    Dryad #426: "I can, and I shall. We're in love."

    The other dryads stare at her as she wraps her arms around Amal. Amal becomes rigid.

    Couchman: "Dude!"

    Soriel: "Not like that!"

    Dryad #689: "You can't love anyone but the Master. Our Man. Our... God."

    Dryad #426: "But I do. I love him. I love..."

    Amal: "Amal."

    Dryad #426: "Amal! Such a wonderful name!"

    Dryad #689: "We will stop you, traitor!"

    The dryads all prepare for action but Amal quickly stands between them.

    Amal: "There's no need for this... erm... ladies. Justin Beiber has tricked you. He doesn't love any of you. He just wants the attention. He's just a little boy."

    Dryad #689: "And I suppose you're a real man?"

    Amal: "I am. I am a real man."

    Suddenly there is a stark change in the dryads. Over those very few words, the dryads all softened and became more... giggly.

    Couchman: "Good God! This goes against everything I stand for!"

    Soriel: "Couches?"

    Amal: "Could you please let my friends go?"

    Iriana Emp, Couchman and Soriel are dropped to the ground. A little more violently then they would have liked. The tree holding Subaru bursts open and Subaru staggers out, managing to curse through her gasps for natural air.

    Subaru: "Was... was... I just... inside a metaphorical vagina!!!!?"

    Everyone stares at Subaru with shock. Even the dryads.

    Soriel is the first to regain his composure.

    Soriel: "Amal, ask them if they could guide us somewhere. We know they have mystical pathways through nature. We need to hurry."

    Amal looks at the dryads, who all stare back endearingly.

    Amal points at Soriel.

    Amal: "What he said."


    NeSferatu #268: "There's the target."

    The fledgling NeSferatu all gather together as they peer through the shrubbery and spy Subaru Yamamoto, who was just released from captivity. The NeSferatu come in all shapes and sizes, men, women, fat, thin, Asian, White, young, old. But they were all eager to please their Master and Mistress.

    As they watch, the 'vagina tree' opens up again.

    NeSferatu #268: "That's just foul. These dryads ain't half dirty little strumpets."

    NeSferatu #689: "Nothing wrong with a good bit of sexual metaphors thrown into your story. Never seen Pan's Labyrinth?"

    NeSferatu #268: "You're sick. Let's just get the girl and get back to the Master."

    NeSferatu #89: "They're getting inside the vagina tree."

    NeSferatu #268: "Where the Hell're they going? The womb!?"

    NeSferatu #689: "If we're going to grab her, we need to do it now before she escapes through that tree."

    When the NeSferatu rush out of the trees most of the group had already gone through the tree, leaving just a couple of dryads, Soriel and Subaru.

    As they rush at them, Soriel sees the danger first. He steps aside.

    Path clear, the NeSferatu grab Subaru and run without conflict. Subaru stares after Soriel as she is dragged away. Soriel watches her for a brief moment, his face stern and cold, before he goes through the tree with the remaining dryads...


    In the USA, Arkng Thand, for the first time in a long time, wears an expression of deep concern.

    Arkng Thand: "Damn Soriel."

    "I... don't know this place. Why did Soriel lead them there?"

    Arkng Thand: "He thinks he knows how to defeat Empress Iriana Emp... more importantly knows how to get what he wants more than anything."

    Thrawn42689: "Which is what?"

    Arkng Thand: "I shall go and greet them. Enact Plan 8 From the Domestic Wristwatch."

    Thrawn42689: "You said the Empress would take care of them."

    Arkng Thand: "Something more dangerous is about to happen. Dangerous to me."


    Antestarr watches as Subaru is thrown to his feet. With each new 'child' Antestarr had made, he felt more and more of his empathy ebb from him. But when he saw his love, his Subaru, on her knees in tatters he felt a flood of emotion that he fought to contain. His hand clenches before he extends it and offers to help Subaru to her feet.

    She pushes his hand away.

    Subaru: "I'm not an invalid. I can manage."

    She gets to her feet.

    Subaru: "I hope you're not expecting me to be a damsel, Antestarr. That's not my style."

    Antestarr: "You're not my prisoner, Subaru. You're my... guest."

    Subaru: "You better not be planning some kind of Evil Wedding. I don't even think I could take marrying the normal way, never mind some evil villainous wedding!"

    Antestarr: "Again, no."

    Subaru: "Where is she? Your other woman?"

    Antestarr: "She is not my woman."

    Subaru: "Sorry, that's right. You're hers, aren't you? Reduced to Nyneve's whipping boy. I like your new followers. Very charming. What are they? Your children?"

    Antestarr: "Subaru..."

    Subaru: "What, are you the Adam and Eve of the vampire world now? I suppose your name does begin with an A! And she has the very obvious Eve in her name. I guess it was always destiny! Right?"

    Antestarr: "I don't like your tone."

    Subaru: "I - don't - like - you."


    Couchman: "Where's Subaru?"

    Soriel: "Gone."

    Couchman: "What does that mean?"

    Soriel: "What else could it mean?"

    Couchman: "Where has she gone?"

    Soriel walks past Couchman and looks up at their new surroundings.

    Soriel: "She was taken by Antestarr's new cult followers."

    Couchman: "By my very plush couch! Didn't you try to help her?"

    Soriel: "No time. There's more important work to be done."

    Amal: "More important than saving Subaru!? I'm going back there!"

    Soriel reaches out and grabs Amal's arm in restraint. He looks straight into Amal's eyes.

    Soriel: "If we go back now, not only Subaru dies. They all die. We all die. This planet full of people will die. My own planet was destroyed. It wasn't pleasant. We need to move on."

    Amal looks away from Soriel, torn in conflict.

    Amal: "I... can't leave Subaru to..."

    Soriel: "You can. Being the Main Character means you have to make the right choices. It means saving the world. Subaru is with Antestarr. He didn't take her because he hates her, did he? He loves her. She should be fine."

    Couchman: "Should be..."

    Amal: "Soriel's right... Antestarr won't hurt her. He'll turn her."

    Iriana Emp: "That sounds horribly uncivilised. How exciting!"

    Soriel: "At least she'll live."

    Couchman: "How can you be so cold, Soriel?"

    Soriel: "I'm not cold. I get it. I feel for Subaru. I also feel for Losien. And Rachel. Gebohq, Al Ciao, Tracer. I feel for all of the innocent people wandering around the planet going about their daily business. Buying their shopping, taking children to school, playing video games, studying for classes, working in offices, working in fields, playing football, watching the stars, dreaming, thinking, hoping--"

    Dryad #426: "Making love."

    Soriel: "Yeah... let's go."

    Iriana Emp: "Well, at least tell us where we are. And why we're here."

    Arkng Thand: "You are in the Endless Waystation. A subway that can grant you access to any story in the universe. And Soriel believes it is a way to unlock your... Potentials."

    Amal: "What're you doing here, Uncle Thand?"

    Arkng Thand: "Tell you that you're making a mistake. Unlocking your Potentials will cause havoc for everyone. You're trying to stop the Powerplayer, but your Potentials could prove an even greater threat to the NeS than she is."

    Soriel: "I think you're just afraid for yourself, Thand."

    Arkng Thand: "I'm trying to help you most of all, Soriel."

    A moment of doubt flickered across Soriel's face. But only for a moment.

    Amal: "Uncle Thand... I respect you but... My Uncle TLTE distrusts you. He doesn't think you really have the NeS' best interests in your heart. He thinks you only care about your own interests. And I think... I think he might be right. So often I see you do things, saying it's all for the good of the NeS but really... I think you're just helping yourself. I'm sorry, Uncle. I think we should go."

    Couchman: "Don't try to stop us, Sir. I will be forced to retaliate! And you would not like me when I retaliate!"

    Soriel: "He can't do anything to us here, Couchman. Only Writers hold sway down here."

    There's a loud screeching as a subway strain pulls into the station.

    Arkng Thand: "If you're thinking of going to the Demesne you won't find help there. Your Potentials aren't present. No Potentials will be as easy to... unlock as the last three. Gebohq, TLTE and Highemperor were a triumvirate of the Story Realm. Their Potentials were so strong they unlocked themselves. Willed themselves into being."

    Soriel: "I'm surprised you don't know what I'm planning to do. It just further vindicates what I'm doing."

    Couchman: "I don't even know what we're doing..."

    Amal: "Dryad ladies, thank you for your help. We'll be back this way, if you would wait for us?"

    The dryads nodded and cooed over Amal.

    Arkng Thand: "You're also unlocking more of Amal's Main Character qualities, Soriel?"

    Soriel: "Doing what you could not."

    Arkng Thand: "Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I have come too far on my own journey that I haven't been able to... connect, as you have done. That only makes me wish you would turn back now, while you can Soriel. Once you unlock them, you will unlock the Potentials for many Characters - not just yourselves."

    Couchman and Iriana Emp got on the train. Soriel stares at Arkng Thand for a doubtful minute, then gets on-board. Amal is last and as he steps up onto the train, Thand says one last one thing to his nephew.

    Arkng Thand: "I'm sorry you couldn't trust me, Amal."


    Back in Burundi our final scenes are unfolding. Frank Smith ducks down below a large rock to catch his breath. The Far Future Time Cops had come under attack from a bunch of wayward monkeys who decided they wanted in on all of the action, allowing Frank to escape. He tries to relate his breathing.


    Frank Smith: "Holy SHI-- Apple! Don't do that!"

    Apple: "I tried to be casual. I couldn't become visible again because you'll just scream like a girl again. You have vagina-envy, my friend."

    Frank Smith: "Why couldn't you be more like your mother? She wasn't as crude as you."

    Apple: "You mean my father. I am my mother."

    CynthAI: "Agent Smith. I feel... a strange sensation..."

    Frank Smith: "Yeah, me too. It's called being shi-, hold on."

    Quote Originally Posted by TheBritt View Post
    Elsewhere in Burundi wind lashed at the clothes of Losien and Frank as they edged along a narrow platform, away from the window of their former prison.

    CynthAI: "I feel... a strange sensation. Like something is happening to my core programs."

    Frank: "Mine too, Cynthai! It's called being ****-scared!!"

    CynthAI: "If you fall, Frank, I will never forgive you."

    Frank Smith: "You've said that to me before. You can't feel anything, CynthAI."

    CynthAI: "Something is happening inside me."

    Apple: "That's something I've said a few times."

    Frank Smith: "What do you mean, what's happening?"

    The small holographic image of CynthAI within the watch is suddenly replaced by the image of Thrawn42689.

    Quote Originally Posted by TheBritt View Post
    Thrawn42689: "The angels in Burundi continuously fall to the NeS Heroes. I am losing eyes on them. President Thand, what is the next course of action?"

    President Arkng Thand: "Infiltrate them."
    Thrawn42689: "Activating Plan 8 from the Domestic wristWatch. This model was designed to allow time-travel, however I have been able to rewire its circuits so that the device will send time here, instead of you through time. The blast radius will consume... Africa. Everything there will be ended instantly. The NeS is saved."

    Fanfare erupts from the watch.

    Frank Smith: "Are you joking!?"

    Thrawn42689:"No. This would be a joke. What do you get if you cross a melon with a bear?"


    Al Ciao starts singing.

    Al Ciao: "We're on a Quest to save my wang!"

    Evil G: "Everyone else gets cool stuff and we get that."

    Al Ciao: "My John Thomas is waiting for me!"
    Last edited by TheBritt; 02-06-2014 at 02:19 PM.

  18. #1658
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow The Potential Plan

    On the underground train Amal slumps into a seat. The train is empty except for them. Couchman scratches his head.

    Couchman: "Why does Arkng Thand fear these Potentials so much?"

    Soriel: "He doesn't."

    Couchman: "It sure sounded like he did."

    Soriel: "He only fears one Potential. Mine."

    Couchman: "Arrogant much?"

    Amal: "Why?"

    Soriel: "My Potential... my potential is to replace Arkng Thand."

    The implications of that were lost on Iriana and Couchman. Only Amal is struck with shock. He stares up at Soriel, as though seeing him for the first time. Soriel smiles to himself.

    Couchman: "How do we unlock these Potentials then?"

    Soriel: "We'll need a disguise. I brought these. We're going somewhere very important. Where we'd be recognised instantly and... well I don't know what would happen to us there. Worse than death."


    In the Writers' Realm, Britt the Writer rubs his weary face.

    Britt the Writer: "I'm going to plant an explosive in Al Ciao's cubicle. So many... holes... in the story. Need... tea..."

    As Britt the Writer leaves his office in search of a kettle a figure sneaks across the ISB offices. Liberius Vir the Writer! He peeks into Gebohq the Writer's office, finds doughnuts, and steals them.

    Although this looks like Liberius Vir the Writer, as we all know (ahem, or not) Liberius Vir the Writer and Liberius Vir the Character switches places some story arcs back. Since then the Character has refused to leave the Writers' Realm and now resorts to stealing Gebohq the Writer's doughnuts for food and trolling the Internet with Rickrolls. He also enjoys day-time television.

    There's a knock at the ISB offices door.

    Liberius Vir dives under Al Ciao the Writer's desk. When he realises no one is coming to answer the door, Liberius crawls out. He peeks through the peephole for the front door. He seeks four very suspicious-looking figures and, naturally, opens the door to them.

    All four of them are wearing very loud, colourful suits and hats. All four of them also have thick, black, moustaches. Liberius Vir stares at them. They stare back, waiting to be invited in.

    Liberius Vir points at one of them.

    Liberius Vir: "Aren't you Amal?"

    Amal (in disguise): "Holy crap! How did he recognise me!? We're doomed!"

    Soriel (in disguise): "Relax. I timed this perfectly to fit with the Plot. He's not a Writer."

    Liberius Vir: "Uh... Yes I am! I am Liberius Vir the Writer! I even have a doughnut!"

    Soriel (in disguise): "You're a Character, we've been pulled to you because you're part of the Plot. Now, you have to help us."

    Liberius Vir: "I'm not sure I have to do anything some crazy guy in a neon pink suit tells me to do..."

    Iriana Emp (in disguise): "I say, chap, you wouldn't happen to have any tea in this place, would you?"

    Iriana Emp, also wearing a moustache, starts wandering around the ISB Offices, which sparks panic in Liberius Vir.

    Liberius Vir: "You're going to blow my cover!"

    Couchman (in disguise): "Then you'd better do what we want because we're not leaving 'til you do."

    Liberius Vir: "Okay, okay! What do you want me to do?"

    Soriel (in disguise): "We can't do this because we're Characters, but you are in the body of your Writer. That means you have his ability to... Write."

    Liberius Vir: "And... what do you want me to Write?"

    Soriel (in disguise): "Just four little words."

    Liberius Vir sits at Liberius Vir the Writer's desk and turns on the computer. A clump of dust poofs out of the machine as the fans spin up.

    Couchman (in disguise): "You could at least have kept your Writer's affairs in order!"

    Liberius Vir: "I've been... busy."

    Soriel (in disguise): "Are you ready? Write--"


    In the Story Realm.

    Liberius Vir

    Character Potentials now activate.

    Non-Story Post: So, Potentials for all characters can be made in whatever shape or form you deem suitable. However please don't create Potentials for Soriel or Voodoo Snowflakes. I would like the honour of those two, thank you! Check out the Notes thread for idea discussions.
    Last edited by TheBritt; 02-06-2014 at 02:22 PM.

  19. #1659
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    In the Burundi jungles, Apple and Frank stare at each other, the blood drained from their faces.

    CynthAI: I am sorry, Frank. Despite my constant belittling of you, I must confess that I'm rather attached to you.

    Frank: Now is not the time for puns, CynthAI!

    HorseGod: I'm pretty sure she wasn't--

    Apple: Wait. CynthAI can just 'port herself out, can't she? Leaving us behind?

    CynthAI: Gee, what a SWELL idea. Let the inanimate object sacrifice herself, it's not like she has FEELINGS or anything--

    Frank: Actually, I have to agree with CynthAI. If he's sending TIME itself through her to generate an explosion, then if the blast should happen while she's in the timestream, it will significantly damage time itself.

    Apple seems to actually be considering the possibility of going ahead with the plan anyway.

    Apple: So are we talking like a minute that's damaged, or a century?

    Frank: Millennia, at least.

    Apple: I don't suppose these millennia might be a billion years from now...?

    CynthAI: Give it up, Apple!

    Frank: I guess there really is no hope for us. At least the NeS will be saved. Right?

    Apple: A believer at the end, huh?

    Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI: Personality matrix loading. CaptAI: initializing.

    Suddenly a very familiar voice erupts from the timey wimey wristband on Apple's arm in place of the robotic tone.

    CaptAI: Lieutenant! Report on your status!

    Apple and Frank look at each other. Frank gestures in a 'well, go on,' sort of fashion.

    Apple: Er... this is Lieutenant Apple, um... Commander?

    CaptAI: Captain Cadpill! If you can't remember something as simple as the ranking system, perhaps you are not suited for field work.

    Apple: Er, right, Captain. Sorry, we're under a very stressful situation right now. Time bomb about to go off.

    CaptAI: Ah! A simple matter. Simply wait till the countdown is at 1 second, then snip a random wire. Works for me every time.

    Apple: Not that kind of time bomb. Er, time is being shunted through my compatriot's wristband in order to generate a colossal explosion that will consume the continent.

    She mouths, 'Why the hell am I bothering with this?' to Frank, gesturing heatedly at the Mark VI temporal wristband that has taken on the personality of Captain Sran Cadpill. Frank mouths back, 'Because he's like CynthAI but better!'

    CaptAI: Tell him he's demoted to Ensign for allowing his wristband to be sabotaged. Fortunately, your wristband is in prime condition. Congratulations, Colonel Apple!

    Apple: Um... thanks?

    CaptAI: Now, then, all we have to do is to freeze the Mark II's local timestream in place, so that there is no time for time to come through it. Quite a simple task with this Mark VI through which I'm interfacing with you.

    CynthAI: Now wait just a--

    A high pitched humming noise comes from CaptAI, and CynthAI suddenly turns several ashy shades of gray on Frank's wrist.

    CaptAI: Local time suspension complete. You have 1 hour before the stress of freezing a timejumper device is too much, and the explosion happens anyway...

  20. #1660
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    In the Massassi Writer's Office, the disguised Characters are hurrying to the door. Being in the Writer's Realm, their Potentials won't activate until they reenter the Story.

    Al Ciao the Writer: Aha! There you are!

    The heroes freeze in place as Al Ciao the Writer points directly at them and strides towards them.

    Amal (disguised): What do we do?

    Couchman (disguised): If I had a pencil and some earwax, I could combine it with this Doctor Who DVD--

    Al Ciao the Writer comes up to the disguised Couchman and plucks the DVD from his hand.

    Al Ciao the Writer: Thanks so much for finding it, dude, you're cool!

    He saunters back off.

  21. #1661
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Emperor Pi is slammed through wall after wall in the Forbidden Palace, in quick succession, from Empress Iriana's mega-blast. He stands up and dusts himself calmly off. His tea is unspilt. Outside on the balcony where the pair had been fighting, Xiang Long leads several dragons in counterassault upon Empress Iriana for daring to harm their ruler. Flame envelops her, white-hot torrents of heat that melt the brick and marble of the palace around her.

    But she emerges unscathed, and leaps up out of the maelstrom to land upon Xiang Long's back. Muttering a word and placing her hand atop his head, malign energy discharges and Xiang Long instantly stops trying to buck her off.

    Xiang Long: What is your will, my Empress?

    The other dragons surround them, uncertain how to proceed, until Empress Iriana yells out a word of power, and all the dragons bow in submission to her.

    Empress Iriana: Finish off that old fool. I have conquests to undertake!

    She flies off on Xiang Long's back, while the other ensorcelled dragons crash through the Forbidden Palace, creating an even larger trail of destruction in the wake of Emperor Pi's earlier knockback as they approach their target. A panda butler is offering a newly brewed cup of tea to the Emperor, who accepts it gratefully. He takes a sip and looks up at the dragons roaring towards him.

    Emperor Pi: Oh, now that is just crass. Feng, bring the concentrated Mongolian Sakura brew out from the vault. A.D. 1528, I should think.

    The panda butler nods, and turns to go about his assigned task as massive draconic jaws clamp down over Emperor Pi. His voice can be heard from within the closed rows of teeth.

    Emperor Pi: Alas, dragon breath is not conducive to the floral scent of this tea...

  22. #1662
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    A Far Future Time Agent pops off several shots with his laz0r pistol, clipping an angel's wings and sending it crashing into the swamp. A NeSferatu surprises him from behind, stabbing through his heart with its sharp claws. The FFTA coughs up some blood, and quickly turns a dial on his Cynthetic A.I. Mark VI. Time rewinds a few seconds, and the FFTA nimbly sidesteps the NeSferatu's surprise attack, pulling out a tesser-folded laz0r knife from his sleeve to slice off the vampire's head as it stumbled forward.

    FFTA: I swear, this rewind over and over thing is like playing a game of classic Mario Bros...

    He leaps in shock as a finger taps him on the shoulder, and spins around, laz0r arsenal at the ready.

    Al Ciao: 'Scuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that you're from the future.

    Lady Lightside: The FAR Future.

    Al Ciao: Right.

    FFTA: Er.... yes.

    Al Ciao: I suppose you all have advanced genetic tailoring in your time, yes? Super duper bioengineering and all that?

    FFTA: Um....

    Otter: He wants to know if he can get a new pecker.

    The FFTA blinks, nonplussed. Taking in Al's cyborg frame, comprehension dawns.

    FFTA: You really think a battle for the stability of the NeS is the best time to ask?

    Maeve: Why not? Battles for the stability of the NeS happen every day for us. You get used to them.

    FFTA: Wrah! Ask me after the battle's over!

    He suddenly keels over as a dryad whacks his head into pulp with a thick branch. Al Ciao brightens, and kneels over to retrieve the dead FFTA's timey wimey wristband.

    Al Ciao: Well, that was easy.

    Lady Lightside: Hello, angry dryad still here.

    Otter: Heeeeyyyyy babe! You're pretty hot... for a tree.

    The dryad looks at him angrily, and roots grow out of the ground, waving like mutated tentacles as they prepare to crush our heroes. Then a T-Rex charging through chomps her up before roaring past.

    Al Ciao: Okay, let's see how you work this thing.

    Maeve: Al, perhaps someone more...

    She hesitates, trying to think of the nicest way to say 'competent'.

    Maeve: ...technically inclined would be a better choice.

    Al Ciao: Nope, I've got it! This is cake!

    A humming whines from the timey wimey wristband, and suddenly there is a WHOOSH of displaced air as a Far Future genegineering clinic appears in the middle of the swamp before them.

    Al Ciao:

    Maeve: You couldn't have used it to make us go to the Far Future? You know, AWAY from this deathtrap?

  23. #1663
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Empress Iriana swoops through the air on dragonback, Xiang Long immolating her enemies (read: everyone) as she cackles madly and peppers her foes with powerful bolts of dark energy. God - otherwise known as Jim7 - rises into the sky to meet her, riding his winged go-kart. The archangels Samael, Michael, and Bertwick flank him.

    Jim: Surrender, interloper!

    Samael: Or don't. Fighting's always more fun.

    Jim: Come to think of it, Sammy's right. Charge!


    Feng the panda butler descends into the deepest part of the floating Forbidden Palace. At the far end of a dusty, cobwebbed hallway constructed from ancient rough-hewn stone is a pair of ancient bronze doors, etched with arcane markings from the Chinese zodiac. Feng presses his paw to the doors, and blue electricity crackles about it at the touch, before the magicks recognize him and dissipate as the doors open.

    Inside is an armory. The walls, floor, and ceiling are all made of the same enchanted, rune-marked bronze. Dangerous weapons confiscated by the Chinese Empire throughout the ages lie strewn about. The sword of Ghengis Khan. The staff of Confucius. The Pope's personal toaster. A handheld turb0laz0r rifle collected from the corpse of a Far Future Time Agent who attempted to assassinate a court vizier during the Ming Dynasty.

    But Feng ignores them all. Walking to the far end of the armory he reaches a giant circular door made of titanium. A blinking panel is set into the bronze wall next to it. The panda butler bends down, putting his eye to the oculus of the panel, and the retinal scan recognizes him. The metal door rolls aside, and the loyal panda enters a high-tech room filled with highly unstable, dangerous technology.

    Samples of the Black Plague. The dead carcass of a Toastinator. A flux capacitor. Designs for a top-secret bathroom in the Vatican. Feng ignores these too, and moves to a door at the far end of this chamber. An opaque force field bar his way, but a psionic scanner recognizes his brain waves and checks to make sure that he is not acting under coercion or treacherous intent, and the force field vanishes, allowing him passage.

    This chamber is made of a spongy metallic material not native to our plane. Feng walks past a vat bubbling with an alchemical ooze that, if released, would grow and consume the entire planet; then past a barrel of summerwine, a fey elixir that drives even the strongest minds mad with overwhelming bliss, wisdom beyond Master Thand's, and forbidden knowledge of the Roman Catholic Church's 1987 budget; and even past bottles labeled Compound Omega-Z.

    At the end, in the deepest, most protected part of the vault, are large kettles labeled by name and year. Some kettles are made of gold and encrusted with gems; others made of clay; and still others of rusty iron. Feng selects one labeled Mongolian Sakura, Unfiltered, 1528, and hoists it up with his paws before trudging out of the vault once more...

  24. #1664
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Disfigured

    Just outside the main gate of the Forbidden Palace Feng the Panda Butler discovers that his Emperor had disappeared. In his place was a very fat, lazy dragon who was loafing at the top of the palace steps. Feng promptly trots over the the dragon and hears a voice from within the creature.

    Emperor Pi: "It's awfully dark in here. Ah, I really should stop feeding them live animals. Stop trying to chew on my robes, you bad goat you!"

    Feng whips out a feather duster - after all what self respecting butler wouldn't have a feather duster handy? - and tickles the lazy dragon's nose. The dragon snorts. Snorts again. And then BOOM! It sneezes. Feng didn't see anything emerge from the dragon as the action was so fast, but when he turns he sees the Emperor sitting contentedly on a garden chair with a small cup of tea in his hand. He places the cup onto the saucer resting on the garden table.

    The only clue to the Emperor's previous predicament is that he's covered in goo.

    Emperor Pi: "Good fellow. Did you bring what I asked for?"

    Feng places the most potent weapon upon the spindly, white garden table.

    Emperor Pi:
    "Ah, most excellent. Begin the brewing process. I have a dragon to deal with."

    He approaches his former consumer, by which I mean the creature that did consume him. Of course.

    Emperor Pi: "Bad dragon! You go to your pen and finish digesting that poor goat!"

    The dragon whimpers and scampers back to its pen as told.


    Below Al Ciao, Lady LightSide, Evil G, Maeve and The Otter enter the newly appeared genetic engineering clinic. The inside is sufficiently sci-fi to please everyone present - blips, bloops, lights, glows, displays and wooshing doors. The whole facility is staffed by white-plated robots with plastic pink hair. When they spoke they sounded like mechanical, robo-women.

    Gynoid: "Welcome to Bio-Genetics Medical Lab. How may we assist you?"

    Al Ciao:"I want a new coc-"

    Lady LightSide: "Could you tell us - are you able to replicate any body organs? Particularly sexual organs."

    Maeve: "Smooth interjection, LightSide."

    Lady LightSide: "I've been married for Al for a very short time - yet I feel I know him incredibly well already."

    Maeve: "After just five minutes I think anyone would know what he's like."

    Gynoid: "This is indeed possible. Male, female, both or lanmale reproductive organs are easily constructed."

    The Otter: "What the Hell's a lanmale?"

    Gynoid: "A new state of gender was artificially created two-hundred years ago."


    Gynoid: "Which option would you like?"

    The Otter: "Turn him into a lanmale!"

    Lady LightSide: "Ah, no don't! He wants to be male. Thank you."

    Al Ciao: "Actually, I wouldn't mind try--"

    Lady LightSide: "MALE!"

    Al Ciao: "... male. Thank you robot-lady."

    Evil G: "Actually I've got a question. If this place is so awesome at genetic engineering, why are you lot all plastic robots and not more... you know? Fleshy. Realistic women?"

    Gynoid: "Until a few years ago, our facility was frequently... mistaken as a brothel. Thus it was decided that the staff ought to be less desirable."

    The Otter: "I'd still shag one of these."

    Evil G: "You'd shag a turnip."

    The Otter initially looks affronted. Then he shrugs and nods his head in acceptance.

    Gynoid: "Please follow me."

    They do so. The gynoid leads the group through the facilities corridors. They are able to peer into various rooms, able to watch other people having new body parts put on or replaced.

    Al Ciao: "So, everyone will see me getting my new knob?"

    Gynoid: "Yes."

    Al Ciao: "Any options for... privacy?"

    Gynoid: "No."

    Al Ciao:

    Maeve: "What a dilemma. I mean, should you be embarrassed... or not?"

    Al Ciao: "Why wouldn't I be!?"

    Maeve: "Well, because... it's not really your wang is it? I mean, you lost yours. So this would be like... a sex toy... but more real... so like... it is yours, but not yours. Not your real one. Not the one that you said was your 'secret place' all those years ago."

    Al Ciao: "I never called it my secret place..."

    Maeve: "Your mother never made you call it that?"

    Al Ciao: "No."

    Maeve: "What did you call it then?"

    Al Ciao:
    "My indomitable man meat."

    Everyone (bar Al Ciao):

    Al Ciao: "Times were different then."

    Gynoid: "Here is your room. Please step inside."

    Al Ciao and The Otter share a fist bump. Maeve offers Al a bottle of booze to calm his nerves. Lady LightSide passionately snogs him. Evil G verbally insults him. Al Ciao then walks into the very white room and stands at the centre, underneath two long sparking prongs.

    Al Ciao:
    "If I pee myself, pretend it's oil from my mechanical joints?"

    Evil G:
    "Wait, how does he actually pee?"

    Maeve: "I've been trying not to think about it."

    Gynoid: "Please insert your chip here."

    A slot opens on the gynoid's chest, right between her very large, very plastic, boobs.

    The Otter: "Whoa! What did you say I can stick in there?"

    Evil G: "That's be like sticking it to an iphone!"

    The Otter: "Any hole's a goal, mate."

    Gynoid: "Please only attempt insertion of your chip. Any other utility may become damaged."

    The Otter:

    Maeve: "I'm guessing this chip is a method of payment?"

    Gynoid: "Affirmative."

    Lady LightSide: "Any other way of paying?"

    Gynoid: "Negative."

    Evil G: "Otter, shag the robot. I'll take the control while she's distracted."

    The Otter: "You know... now that I'm allowed to do it, I kind of don't want it."

    Evil G: "For your friend's manhood?"

    The Otter eyes the gynoid then sulks.

    Evil G: "Wouldn't you expect Al do shag a robot to save your manhood?"

    The Otter sighs, nods, then turns on the gynoid. With some quick hand-movements Otter is all over the walking iphone.

    Gynoid: "Your actions are prohibited! Tee-hee!"

    Evil G: "Did it just giggle?"

    "That was a major turn on. I wish I was distracting the thing now. Evil G, start up the machine to distract me."

    Evil G: "This is frickin' awesome. I actually get to operate on Al Ciao. I always loved the board game."

    Maeve: "And I thought you'd grown a heart."

    Evil G: "Pffft!!"

    Evil G gives the machine some juice.

    The other machine gives The Otter some juice.

    Evil G: "That's just nasty, Narrator."

    Don't shoot the messenger.

    Evil G, somehow, figures out the controls for the machine and presses a few buttons. Completely unaware, Al Ciao inside the room is playing with his circuits. Then he's struck by electricity from the two probes hanging down from the ceiling. He is risen into the air, briefly, then dropped.

    Lady LightSide: "What did you DO to him!?"

    Evil G guffaws.

    Evil G: "That is the funniest thing I've ever done!"

    Inside, Al Ciao is now standing upright but with an extra appendage. A huge, beefy arm sticking out of his back. Al Ciao looks up in horror and screams like a girl. He starts to run away from the arm... that follows him because it's attached to him.

    Evil G cries from laughter.

    Lady LightSide: "Evil G, you are truly evil!"

    Evil G: "I know, I know. I'm awesome."

    Al Ciao has now slowed and actually starts admiring the new arm. he makes the arm wave to Evil G.

    Al Ciao: "Actually this is pretty sweet! I can, like, hold extra... stuff! And punch more guys! And feel more boobs!"

    Evil G: "Okay, okay, what's next?"

    Evil G presses more buttons.

    Lady LightSide: "Give him what he wants!"

    Evil G: "No problem."

    Lady LightSide:
    "You're about to do something terrible, aren't you!?"

    When the electric subsides this time Al Ciao is left... as one gigantic dic--!!

    Lady LightSide:

    Maeve throws up in disgust.

    Evil G throws himself to the ground in hysterics.

    Lady LightSide: "Not only is that a horrible thing to do to my poor darling, but also completely breaks the PG 13 rating!!"

    In fact, all that the viewers see is a big black box of censorship.

    Audience: "Awwwww."

    Evil G scrambles to his feet, clutching to the console for support.

    Evil G: "Alright, alright, for real this time."

    Suddenly Lady LightSide smashes his head into the console.

    Evil G: "OOOOOOoooowww! That wasn't very LightSide of you!"

    Lady LightSide: "It is if you're being a tosser!"

    Maeve: "British swear skill level up, well done LightSide."

    Lady LightSide: "Thank you, Maevie-poo. Now, you!"

    She shoves Evil G's head firmly against the console and holds him in place.

    Lady LightSide: "Fix him. Now!"

    Evil G: "Well, if you could jus-"

    Lady LightSide: "NOW!"

    Evil G presses a few buttons closest to his face. Inside the room the Al Wang is zapped by the prongs again. Al Ciao returns, however he is now hovering by his crotch. The treasure-chest opening tune plays from Zelda. His trousers burst open just in time for the victory chant at the end of the tune. We're treated to another censor bar.

    Maeve: "Really gross."

    Lady LightSide's eyes shine with glee.

    Al is dropped to the ground and after a minute of checking himself out he tries to conceal his newfound manhood. Quest achieved!!

    Maeve: "Actually, there's one more thing to do... something that's needed to be done for (p)ages now!"

    She shoves Evil G off the console, who slumps to the ground with wounded pride. Before Lady LightSide could intercede, Maeve had pushed a few buttons. Al Ciao, for the last time, is raised from the ground and zapped. This time... his hair falls out.

    Al Ciao: "AHHHHHHH!! I'M LEX LUTHOR!!!"

    Maeve stands with satisfaction.

    Maeve: "A great evil has been banished."

    Lady LightSide hesitates, then shrugs in agreement.


    His hair magically pops back out of his skull.

    Maeve: "Fuq."

    Then his hair changes, so that it is long and black.

    Maeve: "Uh..."

    It changes again so that it is a blonde afro.


    Maeve: "Well... nothing can be as bad as the orange spikes at least."

    Al Ciao's hair transforms into a puke-green mullet.

    Maeve throws up again.

  25. #1665
    Tea-sipper, character-killer


    When Al Ciao emerges from the room where he gained his new penis, he hugs and kisses Lady LightSide passionately.

    Evil G:
    "Yeah, yeah, yeah, get a room you two."

    Lady LightSide: "I PLAN to!!"

    Before they could rush off, Evil G grabs her arm.

    Evil G: "We've got work to do first, remember? Big, big, BIG war outside?"

    Lady LightSide looks very put out.

    Lady LightSide: "But- but- but-- I'll only be a short time. Just a quickie? Just to break it in?"

    Al Ciao: "Whoa! Don't break it! I only just got it!"

    Evil G: "You heard the man. Let's go get Otter."

    Lady LightSide: "No, no, that's not what he meant! You're so UNFAIR!"

    Maeve: "Look at it this way. It's a bit like surgery, right? He's going to need more recovery time anyway. Or else you might actually break it."

    Lady LightSide: "OOOooooooooh!!!!!!... ****e."

    She folds her arms, pouts and stalks after Evil G.

    Maeve: "I hope you're happy?"

    Al Ciao appears bewildered.

    Al Ciao: "I have this... wang. My wang is... awesome."

    Maeve: "Okay, stop there. If ever we have to discuss your new wang ever again, I am going to break it."

    Al Ciao salutes.

    Al Ciao: "Got it, chief."

    When they enter the next room they see the carnage. Otter is sat on a bed (which is apparently for test purposes - which conjured some instant hope in Lady LightSide), which his shirt and shoes off. He trousers are up again, saving Maeve's already empty stomach. Leaning against his bare, manly chest is the gynoid. She's smoking an e-cigarette which lights up whenever she draws on it.

    Gynoid:"I did not know I had some of those functions installed."

    The Otter: "Yeah, I think I got lost in all of your moveable parts for a while. But it was still awesome! Hey guys!"

    Evil G: "You know, I suddenly feel a small pang of jealousy."

    Gynoid: "I will require my lubricant levels to be refilled within the hour."

    Maeve: "Me too."

    The Otter hops off the bed, pops a cigar in his mouth and wraps an arm around Evil G.

    The Otter: "I tell you what, lad. The Otter is back! Let's go and kick something's arse!"

    The gynoid tosses Otter's clothes to him and although its face is expressionless, because it's made of plastic, it still somehow manages to be very sultry.

    Gynoid: "It was nice to... meet you."

    As The Otter walks away he puts his hand to his ear in a phone gesture.

    The Otter: "I'll call, baby. You keep being beautiful while I'm gone, alright?"

    Gynoid: "Tee-hee."

    Evil G: "This was easily one of the most disturbing quests we've ever had to do."

    Al Ciao: "BESTEST QUESTS!!"

    As they exit the door The Otter puts the last of his clothing back on, his long sweeping trench coat. He takes the cigar from his lips.

    The Otter: "So, what's our next quest? Get Maeve bigger boobs?"

    Maeve freezes.

    Maeve: "They'd be like... real ones, wouldn't they? Not plastic... The QUEST FOR BREASTS IS NOW---"

    They spin around. The temporal anomaly was gone.

    Maeve's wide eyes slowly turn to Al Ciao.

    Al Ciao: "I totally left the time gizmo inside."

    Maeve seems to fold in on herself with immense disappointment.

    Evil G: "Is it me... or did the lab not disappear... It transformed into a clam..."

    Everyone realises that there's a massive closed clamshell sitting where the building had been moments ago. They all stare at it for a long moment.

    Al Ciao:"Aren't clams a symbol of a woman's... you know?"

    Evil G: "Indomitable woman cave?"

    Al Ciao gasps.

    Lady LightSide: "Maybe Maeve should check it out then."

    Evil G:"What? Why!?"

    Lady LightSide: "You're all weak-willed men. You'd be overpowered in an instant!"

    Maeve: "I think I would be too..."

    The Otter: "I will deal with this."

    Evil G:"You know, it's probably just going to turn out to be some kind of monster?"

    The Otter walks towards the clam.

    Evil G: "A big tongue is going to lash out, wrap around you and pull you inside."

    The Otter didn't stop, but he does slow down.

    Evil G: "Inside there'll be lots of... teeth... or penetrating tentacles!"

    The Otter stops dead a metre from the clam. He stays there for a moment until he finally spins on his heel and thrusts his cigar at Evil G, who is chuckling to himself.

    The Otter: "You're just jealous because I'm about to get a great big metaphorical pu-- Holy crapcakes!"

    The clam bursts open, releasing thick clouds of smoke that seem like they wouldn't have fit in the clam at all. The heroes wince against the sudden cover, trying to peer through it.

    The Otter: "What the Hell? MAEVE!?"

    Maeve: "What? What?"

    The Otter glances back towards Maeve and shakes his head.

    The Otter: "No no, I mean... It's Maeve inside. It's... you!"

    Standing upon a cushion inside the clam is Maeve - though she's somewhat different. Her hair is bright neon pink, instead of the real Maeve's pinkish-blonde dye job, long and flowing. She wears a rather short rainbow nightie, floppy bed hat and a long pair of stockings.

    Evil G: "You're like... bedtime Venus or something."

    2nd Maeve: "I am Venedite. Maeve's Potential."

    Al Ciao: "She has the potential to... wear rainbow pyjamas?"

    The Otter: "Or the potential to become way hotter than the original?"

    Maeve: "Oi, shut it you!! Even if it's true."

    Evil G: "Are you oogling yourself?"

    Maeve: "Most definitely. Advantage of being gay, I guess."

    Evil G:

    Venedite lightly drops from the clam and walks towards the group, her walk being far more feminine than anyone remembers Maeve's walk being. The Otter watches Venedite with amazed eyes as she passes him. His eyes nearly fall from his head when he sees her from behind.

    Maeve: "Oi! Wait! All of you! Stop eyeing me-- my counterpart up!"

    Evil G: "So... Venedite, are you are gay as a fruit bat too?"

    Venedite curls the tip of her floppy hat around her finger, casting a suggestive look in Evil G's direction. It lasts just long enough to build up his confidence.

    Venedite: "Very much! And even if I wasn't, you'd be very far down my shag-list. Cretin."

    Maeve: "Woo! Go girl!"

    Evil G: "Crushed..."

    Lady LightSide: "But why are you here? If you're her Potential... how did you... come to be?"

    Venedite: "That I cannot answer. I haven't a bloody foggiest. I do, however, know what I'm here to do."

    Maeve:"Which is? Let me guess, we have the potential to seduce every woman in the entire NeS!!?"

    Venedite: "Of course we do! But that's just because we've so gorgeous and awesome, not our true potential."

    Al Ciao: "Wow, Maeve, you got arrogant."

    Venedite: "I am One to bring Balance to the NeS. I am THE Hand of The NeS!"


    Of course, after statement like that, there's only one place we could be zip-panning to. The l33t Realm.

    Bhac: "Did you just hear that ****e?"

    Mayaal: "Indeed... how could this happen? Just a plot device? The Writers will?"

    Athena: "Okay, my turn. Should I attack Egypt... or India... decisions, decisions..."

    Bhac and Mayaal, the Right and Left Hands of the NeS are sitting with several gods that were visiting from their home on Mount Olympus. Between them is a Risk board - apparently they finally got bored of chess and poker.

    Bhac: "We can't let her take our jobs."

    Mayaal: "Of course. No matter how she got here, or why she has this potential, this duty of ours cannot be relinquished. It is sacred."

    Bhac: "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's just whup her backside."

    Athena: "Okay, I'm going to attack Bhac because he's planning to bugger off and leave us."

    Bhac: "Oi! No!! Dammit!"

    Athena: "Roll Bhac! Roll and lose!"

    Mayaal: "We both drop out."

    Bhac: "No wait--!"

    Athena: "Hahaha! Athena takes Egypt! Africa's going to be mine!"

    Apophis: "I hate playing with you, Athena."

    Athena: "It's not my fault I'm such a genius. I'm just worshipped that way."

    Bhac and Mayaal walk away from the Risk game and further into the whiteness of the l33t.

    Mayaal: "You realise we'll have to work together on this?"

    Bhac: "Yeah, totally."

    Mayaal gives Bhac a cold stare.

    Bhac: "Yes, yes! I promise not to cross you!"

    Mayaal continues to stare.

    Bhac: "Or double-cross! Or triple-cross! What do you want me to do? Pinky swear!?"

    Mayaal: "Alright. But how do we defeat... ourselves?"

    Bhac: "We could just go down there and spank the little upstart?"

    Mayaal: "I think more subtlety is called for, don't you? She's the key to the NeS Heroes plan. They want to neutralise the Powerplayer. The Plot, or Writers, or just convenient convention produced her. She can balance things out, so she must have the power to put down the powerplayer. So we need to put our efforts into the Powerplayer."

    Bhac: "Wait, won't that be kind of... breaking our own rules? Not doing our jobs by powering up something that's already stupidly overly powerful?"

    Mayaal: "Ironically, she presents an imbalance by being so powerful she can bring that balance."

    Bhac: "Don't we?"

    Mayaal: "There's two of us. We balance each other out. Silly child. Thought she could be the only Hand of the NeS? Foolish youthful spirit."

    Mayaal closes his eyes and sends forth his astral projection away from the l33t plane and into the Story Realm where it floats listlessly before latching onto the powerful essence of Empress Iriana Emp.

    His astral form reaches her ear. It is clear that she senses even his most concealed form, though she cannot see it. She half turns her head, but her attention remains on the approaching God of Earth.

    Mayaal (Astral Form): "Powerplayer. Something comes your way. Something that wishes to balance you out. You will need help."

    Empress Iriana Emp laughs gleefully.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "The last person who said that to me watched as I momentarily blew apart an entire fleet of warships with nothing but my little finger. Then I banished him to an asteroid for daring to believe me so weak. Whoever you are, spirit, you are not required."

    Godly Jim: "You blight upon this world! I'm going to smash your kneecaps!"

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Here comes my worthy foe at la--"

    Someone flies up behind Jim and bonks him on the head. Venedite smiles at the angry and confused Jim then pulls the wings off his car.

    Godly Jim:
    "You just pulled the wings off my go-kart!! You just pulled the wings off MY GO-KAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr----"

    His angels tumble down to try and catch him. Samael first is sure to give a vengeful glare at Venedite before following after his comrades. Venedite slowly floats up towards Empress Iriana Emp.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "I sense something... unusual about you. Who are you?"

    Venedite: "I am Venedite. I am here to bring balance to the NeS as its sole Hand."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "And so you want to balance me out?"

    Venedite: "Actually no."

    Empress Iriana Emp and Mayaal's astral form are both surprised.

    Venedite: "At least not yet. First I would like you to join me."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Join you? What for?"

    Venedite: "Together, we can destroy those who currently occupy my role here. The former Hands of the NeS."

    Mayaal (Astral Form): "You can't do this! Why would you do this?"

    Venedite: "Nothing lasts forever, Mayaal. Besides, I don't know why I'm doing this. I just know it's my purpose. Powerplayer, what do you say?"

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Haha! Just assume I say yes, which I won't, but if I did how, exactly, would you defeat them?"

    Venedite: "I have only one real... power... the power of--"

    She throws dust from her hand and blows it straight into Empress Iriana Emp's face.

    Venedite: "--dreams."


    Empress Iriana Emp opens her eyes.

    She is lying in her large four-poster bed. The wood is dark and polished, her blanket is thick velvet and thrown over the top of that is a fur-blanket made from bears that roam the local wilderness. A wilderness that her father had created, along with everything else, on Page 9999. A Realm beyond all other realms' reach, beyond the reach of Highemperor's enemies.

    Iriana sits up.

    Empress Iriana Emp (Dream): "I remember this place. Every detail. I was here. Alone. For... months, maybe years, at a time."

    She looks down at herself. She is a young girl once again. A teenager lost in the cosmos, alone, afraid and bored with her existence. The tedium of it all is only ever broken when her powerful, strong father would return from his adventures. Return to the High Citadel.

    Voice: "When was the last time you had fun?"

    Empress Iriana Emp (Dream): "I don't even remember."

    Venedite sits up in the bed too. She wears a smile on her face. Like Iriana, she is a young teenager.

    Venedite: "Then, let's go out and play!"

    The two of them get dressed and are running down the corridors of the immense citadel built to protect Iriana from everything else in the multiverse. Sometime later they read books to each other, reading passages aloud. Stories of heroism, fantasy, of other worlds and of love. They eat, they drink, they play, they sleep.

    The dream rushes through memories, Venedite present at all times. Whenever Iriana had felt most alone, Venedite was there.

    Iriana awakes at fifteen. She pushes Venedite out of the bed where she lands on the floor. No longer at the High Citadel, that was gone, but it did not matter the place for she had her friend with her.

    But then a shadow appears over them. Tall. Too tall to be real. A man in a black cloak. A cloak like the night sky. He holds out his hand to Iriana.

    Empress Iriana Emp (Dream): "Father?"

    She glances at Venedite. Venedite nods.

    As Iriana touches her father's hand, he disappears in a puff of smoke. She feels pain. Physical and mental. Her father is gone, and she is filled with so much power and torment. She is alone.

    Alone for just a second. Venedite's arms wrap around her friend.

    Venedite (Dream): "We're nearly there. Almost to the end of the tunnel."

    The scene changes drastically. The two of them are older. Women. Standing at the top of battlements. Systems upon systems were rebelling after the passing of Highemperor, they saw his daughter as weak and they revolted against her rule.

    She looks out at the strange armies as they do battle across the plane of this strange world. This was the time to prove herself just as powerful as her father. She would control this empire with the greatest powers ever seen in the NeS or beyond. She feels Venedite's hand in hers.

    Venedite (Dream): "Just remember... you're no longer alone. You've already proven yourself to me."

    The battles seems different than she thought she remembered it. There was less blood. Less violence. Less horror. Less screaming. When she is faced with a line of prisoners, she sends them to the dungeons. Did that happen last time? Didn't she execute them on the spot?

    Another battle. The same occurs. Another and another. Flashes, sometimes just feelings. But also the feeling of a warm hand in hers. A kiss. Her empire spans the cosmos and though she is feared, many also love her. She feels it. They respect her.


    She snaps awake. She falls a few metres in the air but a hand grabs hers. Empress Iriana Emp looks up at Venedite.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "It wasn't real. You didn't change time. It was just a dream."

    Venedite: "That's true. But the feelings are real. You can't deny them. You're not as cold as you think you are. There's warmth there. I saw it. I felt it."

    Empress Iriana Emp takes a long pause before she's ready to reply. She tries to understand what is going on within her own head.

    She looks at Venedite with suspicion.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "I'm still going to conquer this world."

    Venedite: "I guessed you would. But at least now you'll do it with love and passion in your heart."

    The Empress looks down at the mess of battles going on all around her. Then she slowly raises her head with a smile on her face.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Let's go play."

    They disappear, bound for the l33t.


    Somewhere below...

    Maeve: "I told you my power was to seduce all of the women in the NeS! Man, I'm so jealous of me right now!"

    Lady LightSide: "I don't think that's what happened..."

    Maeve: "It's going to though! Come on! That Iriana majorly had the hots for me!"

    Evil G: "But she's not really after you though, is she? She'd be sleeping with Venedite."

    Maeve: "Who is me! Shut up, you! Don't spoil it for me!"

  26. #1666
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Time Hijinx

    Somewhere in the jungle, quite apart from the tumult of the war, two women are fighting to the death. One, a heroic, brown-haired American and the other is a bonkers, blonde, probably American. Their fight has left blood, bruises and reddening that is going to hurt like Hell in the morning.

    Losien strikes Voodoo Snowflakes for the last time and Voodoo falls to the floor. Voodoo lies there, her eyes half-closed, staring up at the trees with laboured breathing.

    Losien: "When we get back... to the HHH... I'm sending you to... a psychologist..."

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "Don't... break... time..."

    Losien: "Why... would I do... that?"

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "I... just... know... it... happens..."

    Losien: "How?"

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "I... see... it!"

    Losien: "Yeah... that shrink is... going to... have a field day..."

    Losien stares down at Voodoo for a long time, watching the other woman slip into unconsciousness. When she has her energy back, Losien drags Voodoo to a tree and props her up against it.

    Tracer: "The night is still young."

    Losien: "It's not even night, Tracer."

    Losien had known Tracer was watching the whole time, hiding in the shadows. She guessed he had been planning to intervene if it looked like she was going to lose to Voodoo, but then again she didn't know Tracer at all. He liked to be an enigma.

    Tracer: "Like a dame, the jungle was hot and oppressive."

    Losien: "Right. Sure."

    Tracer: "There was a scent on the air, like Tia Maria and ruby lips."

    Losien: "I'm just going to... you know... save my daughter. Are you coming?"

    Tracer: "The ebony broad is safe. She returned to the scene with gaycat."

    Losien: "I'm pretty sure both of those terms are super offensive, you know?"

    Tracer: "Relax girlie. I'm silk."

    Losien: "No idea what that means. Let's just go..."

    Tracer: "I'm ready to take it on the heel and toe."

    Losien: "I'm going to need some kind of Private Eye dictionary..."


    Running as fast as their legs would carry them, Frank Smith and Apple are jumping over roots, ducking under branches, hopping out of the way of trees and generally looking like a couple of free-runners.

    Apple: "Where the Hell're we going?"

    Frank Smith: "I have no idea! But running somewhere seems to be more productive than standing about!"

    Apple: "Maybe I should be running in the opposite direction?"

    CaptAIn:"That would be foolhardy, Number One. If I am taken more than fifty metres from the CynthAI Mk XIV, my lock on her will be broken and she'll explode."

    Apple: "Fuq. Hey wait, I'm Number One?"

    CaptAIn: "If you are going to wear me on your wrist, you need to have a rank sufficient of that honour. Tell Ensign Smith to cease running about like an idiot. A plan must be drawn up!"

    The two humans, and their wristwatches, come to a stop. Frank Smith leans against a tree, panting. He hasn't run that hard for over ten years. Apple appears completely unphased.

    Apple: "So, what's next Captain!?"

    Apple appears to be enjoying the good Captain's presence more than most people do.

    CaptAIn: "My scans indicate the presence of a Main Character."

    Losien: "Well, at least your scans are actually scans now... and not you just waving a stick about."

    Apple: "DADDY!!!"

    Losien: "BABY!!!"

    Apple: "Uh... I mean... Losien. Hi."

    Losien: "Apple... cool... yeah."

    Frank Smith: "Losien. My watch is going to explode in a massive time vortex that will consume the whole of Africa."

    Losien: "..."

    Frank Smith: "We managed to freeze the watch, but will only last one hour."

    Losien: "Frank... you're pretty new here... so why are you causing so much fuqing **** already!!!???"

    Everyone Else:

    Losien: "It's been a hard day."

    Frank Smith: "Actually, it's all kind of her fault."

    Losien:"Apple! You're totally grounded!"

    Apple: "Bollocks."

    Losien: "Alright. Give me your watch, Frank."

    Frank Smith: "You're not going to hurt her, right?"

    He hands over CynthAI Mk XIV.

    Losien: "Give me yours too, Apple."

    Apple: "Be careful with him."

    Apple hands Losien the CaptAIn Mk XV.

    Tracer: "What's the plan, boss?"

    Losien:"I travel through time using the CaptAIn watch and leave the CynthAI watch there to harmlessly detonate."

    Frank Smith: "No! You can't do that to her!"

    CaptAIn:"I have to advise against this course of stupidity. Taking a volatile time bomb through a timestream, could result in catastrophe."

    Losien: "Got a better idea?"

    CaptAIn: "You all listen to me while I recount the time I defeated Ugnoth the Smelly on the planet Dracorn XI using nothing but my wits, a slice of toast and a single chopstick!"

    Losien: "Time travel time!"

    Apple: "I'll come with you."

    Frank Smith: "Me too."

    Losien: "Here we go."

    CaptAIn: "I wasn't designed to take more than one person through time and space. But with a few recalibrations of my deflector shields and reversing the polarity flow, I may be able to accommodate."

    Apple: "Don't give us all that Star Trek babble, Captain. We don't have time."

    CaptAIn: "Actually, Number One, time is exactly what we do have."

    A time vortex begins to spin up around the trio. Because the Captain is having to transport more than one person, the process is somewhat slower. Slow enough to allow a surprise visit from Voodoo Snowflakes.

    She dives at the group, shoving Frank Smith away from the vortex. She isn't, however, quick enough to stop Apple or Losien and all three of them are suddenly gone.

    Frank Smith stares at the empty space.

    Tracer: "Them crazy dames. Ain't a single wise head among 'em."


    The Moon.

    Losien: "Seriously? We're on the moon!?"

    Apple: "Why aren't we dead!?"

    CaptAIn: "Hero Force initiative. They created an artificial bubble around the moon in case the Earth ever has to be evacuated."

    Losien: "Contingency plans up the yin-yang, those guys."

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "Is this it? Is this where time is... destroyed?"

    CaptAIn: "You exaggerate, Ensign Snowflakes! Time cannot be destroyed. Well... maybe it could, but it certainly won't be now."

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "I've seen it. The time holes, everywhere. People... trapped."

    Losien: "We're not going to do anything, Voodoo. We're going to leave the watch here and then we're going to leave. Go back to our time. Actually, when are we?"

    CaptAIn: "Three minutes into the future."

    Losien: "That's all?"

    CaptAIn: "I didn't see the need to go any further beyond that. We're endangering no one up here. Except moon people."

    Losien: "What did you say?"

    CaptAIn: "Nothing. We ought to vacate the instant you drop the watch, else we may be hit by the explosion as we travel through time."

    Apple: "What about CynthAI?"

    CaptAIn: "There are approximately two-hundred and seventy-three CynthAI XIV models in use in the TEA."

    Apple: "I think Frank is kind of attached to his CynthAI."

    CaptAIn: "Alright. I believe I have room in here to download her personality matrix. I don't want to share for long. We can't have two captains on one ship!"

    Losien: "That's go."

    She tosses the old CynthAI watch to the moon's surface. Apple and Losien stand close.

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "I don't think I'm going."

    Losien reaches out, grabs Voodoo by the collar and pulls her in.

    Losien: "I don't know what craziness is going on up there, or what evil has taken hold of you, Voodoo, but you are coming with us."

    Voodoo Snowflakes, having lost the will to fight, allows herself to held as the time vortex springs up around them.

    CynthAI: "CynthAI online. It is awfully crowded in here."

    "I noticed."

    CynthAI: "Is that your Random Access Memory, or are you happy to see me?"

    CaptAIn: "Normally, mating with alien women is a favourite past-time of mine. But as we are both virtual entities, I think we should focus on more... pressing matters..."

    CynthAI: "The millisecond we leave, the bomb will explode. A portion of the blast will hit us and send us all flying through time-and-space. The humans may not even recognise themselves."

    Losien: "WHAT!?"

    It is too late. The time vortex sucks the three of them through time, but the millisecond they fade away the bomb explodes and some of the blast bursts into the timeslip with them. A process that usually goes unnoticed by the sentient minds travelling through it, the time-stream is suddenly a very active and real place to the three women as they tumble violently through it. Energy, in the form of lightning, strikes out and tears holes randomly through space-and-time.

    Holes appear in the NeS, here and there, linking various time periods to the current timeline. Any time a time anomaly has occurred in the NeS - it was caused by this point.

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "I... saw it! It was true!"

    Losien: "Voodoo! Don't let go!"

    Losien's words are in vain.

    Voodoo Snowflakes deliberately lets go and is instantly sucked off in time.

    But the change in weight suddenly destabilises the other two women. They fight to keep hold of each other's hands but Apple cannot and she, too, is dragged away into some random point in time.


    Losien sees a clear sky, then a tree, then she experiences pain.

    Losien: "Ouch... who put that tree there?"

    She struggles to her feet and rubs her injured back.

    Losien: "CaptAIn?"

    CaptAIn: "My estimations are that we are currently standing on what would have been... England."

    Losien: "Would have been?"

    Then, over head, she sees a pterodactyl flying.

    Losien: "Holy monkeys..."


    Voodoo Snowflakes opens her eyes.

    She is surrounded by people who are looking very bedraggled and worn out. Clothes in tatters, dirt on their faces, wounds and scars for everyone.

    Voodoo Snowflakes: "Where am I?"

    Man: "It's okay, little girl. You're safe now. What's your name?"

    Voodoo Snowflakes struggles to think. She remembers Losien, the time vortex, Apple, the moon. But it starts to feel like a distant memory, or a dream. She feels herself dying.

    And something else coming.


    She opens her eyes again. The scenes had changed. She must have fallen asleep.

    A new person came up to her.

    Woman: "Are you alright, my dear? What's your name? Do you remember?"

    Magick: "I'm Magick. Potentially, I have a lot of magical power at my disposal. I... need to get back through time. I need to find... Voodoo. Voodoo Snowflakes."

    Woman: "Well, it definitely seems you were hit on the head. Who is Voodoo?"

    Magick Snowflakes winces as she tries to think about Voodoo Snowflakes. Was it herself? Is she Voodoo Snowflakes and Magick?

    Magick:"She's... she's my... she's me? Maybe..."

    Woman: "A friend? Relative? Is she your mother, maybe?"

    Magick: "My... sister. Twin sister... no, she's older than me..."

    Woman: "So, she's your older sister? So you must be Magick Snowflakes, right?"

    Magick Snowflakes: "Yes! I must be Magick Snowflakes! I have to find a time portal! Time can be changed, I know it! I--"

    Woman: "One step at a time. There's a lot of toasters out there, Magick. It's not safe for any of us. You lie back and rest now... There's a boy about your age here. His name's Gebswoq. At least that's what we call him. His real name is even crazier than that. They used a random name generator on the internet to name him."

    Magick Snowflakes: "Gebswoq?"


    Some years later in Magick's time she leaps to dodge a toaster's blast of toastering. With a quick flick of her wrist she sends return fire, a ball of fire that hits the toaster.

    She isn't going to let any old toaster stop her from finally reaching a time portal that had just opened up. Using toaster technology she had been able to recalibrate the portal to open up at a specific time and place. She had to save Rachel Pi from being toasted by a time-travelling toaster. But she couldn't do it alone. She needed her big sister...

    TheBritt - NeS2 Page 22

    Soriel: ... I'm getting bored ...

    There was a sudden crack of soul-wrenching sound and a blinding flash of light that caused each of them to shoot up in shock.

    Ricki: You just had to jinx us, didn't you?

    Soriel: Bah!

    Ford: What the hell was that? I don't see anyth- Wait. There!

    An ominous, silent silhouette emerged from the shadows, seeming to melt from within them into a corporeal form. As it stepped into the light of the flickering fire, the young girl's soft features came into view and all of them had a peculiar sense of familiarity.

    Girl: Hullo! ^_^

    Fred: Whoa! Lolita! Don't get much better than the cuties!

    Soriel's eye twitched violently and a snarl spread across his face as he tried to control his rage against the perverse sword.

    Sugerless: Hullo! ^_^ The blonde-haired woman accompanied her greeting with a broad grin and little wave.

    Riki: How the hell did you get here?

    Ford: More importantly, who the hell are you?

    Girl: You're not very friendly are you?

    Soriel: NO! He glowers down at the young girl with venom practically falling from his eyes, ignoring Fred's comments about uses for female street urchins.

    The girl pouted back at the blue-haired maniac before looking at each of the group individually, drawing her eyes from Riki's stetson reluctantly. She finally settled on Voodoo Snowflakes with a cheerful grin.

    Girl: Big Sis'!

    Voodoo: Eh?

    April: What?

    Ford: You've got to be kidding me...

    Sugerless: Yay! Voodoo has a little sister!

    Voodoo: No I don't!

    Sugerless: Yes you do! She's right here!

    Voodoo: Sugerless, you are an idiot...

    Sugerless: Really? ... Yay!

    Ford: I think you'd better explain yourself...

    Girl: Okay, okay, sorry. I'm Magick Snowflakes and I travelled here from the future to save Gebswoq's mum from being killed by an evil time-travelling toaster of doom!

    Everyone: ...

    A long paused filled with hesitant, disbelieving glances ensued. Magick was dressed somewhat messily, worn, torn jeans sporting a gaping hole adorned her legs, while large, white sneakers were upon her feet, though appeared closer to grey with age. She had a small, blue t-shirt on beneath a thick, fur-lined bomber jacket that was covered in a multitude of badges and decorative patches. Her untidy, curly, blonde locks bounced around her shoulders, kept in check by a baseball cap that bore a striking resemblance to the one that Voodoo currently wore.

    Voodoo: I take it I gave you that hat?

    Magick: That's right! I never take it off!

    April: Ew...

    Ford: How can you stand to be so dirty!?

    Magick: There's not much choice! The machines control the world! We can only wash in the lakes and rivers-

    Fred: Like a lolita nudist beach!?

    Magick: -and they're crowded with... lots of people. So I just don't bother! ^_^

    Ford: I thought there was a... smell...
    And thus Magick/Voodoo's time lines merge into one. But, as Magick said, time can be... rewritten.


    Apple: "That was very poetic, Narrator, but where the Hell am I?"

    Victorian England, I'd say.

    Apple: "Buggery. Just great. Stuck in an age when they don't even have TV. Lots of murder contracts though..."

    She twitches and electrical energy seems to buzz about her.

    Apple: "That was... disturbing. I guess some of that time energy is... still... on... me..."

    She shakes herself and bits of electrical time stream fall off of her. The Victorian street she's on is dark and wet, luckily no one sees her.

    Apple: "This is really, really weird."

    Her eyes crackle with the electrical flow. Mystical aether wraps around her, and she feels chaos itself at her control. All of time and space is hers to command. Her Potential - accidentally unlocked by the explosion. The original Apple begins to fade away within the Potential. She looks the same but now she is Chronos.


    Some years later, in the Victorian period. She had been keeping tabs on the would-be heroes of the period, but she did little to interfere with their natural course. She didn't want to go ruining things and waking up to discover she had never been born. Instead she decided it was time to correct all of the mishaps in time and ensure that nothing goes wrong ever again... Hopefully.

    She sits in a dusty old office in London. Several men and women sit in front of her for the job interview.

    Chronos: "I declare this new organisation to be called the Time Enforcement Agency! We have a government seal and everything. I've been working with the greatest minds to channel my powers into these... watches, I think they like to call them. They allow us to literally watch time. You are the few that will ever see my true face. In the future I will disguise myself, ensure that I cannot be seen - keep to the shadows like Thand always taught me. Then my power can never be... misused..."

    And thus Apple, likewise, binds with her Potential and the time line is closed.


    NSP: Well, it all came to me. I felt it would be nice this way. Both Voodoo Snowflakes and Apple are now, effectively, out of the story. Of course Voodoo is Magick Snowflakes - who is a character in Hero Force One, so she's 'around'. And Apple could return, as Chronos, if anyone wanted her to. I hope it was okay.

  27. #1667
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Apple's Loose Ends

    TheBritt - Page 41

    Mysterious Person: "Welcome back, Agent Smith."

    Frank Smith, Time Cop, stands before a shadowy figure; the Head of TEA. Frank is a 40-year old man looking a little rough around the edges, a little grey and a few crags in his face. But he's fit, strong and healthy and, above all, good at his job.

    Mysterious Person: "I was impressed with your actions during that last time rift. A difficult situation but you got it resolved. Even if you did have to pick them up one-by-one."

    The Mysterious Person is sat in oh-so-convenient shadows to hide their face. Their face is computerised, but advanced enough to almost sound real - within that uncanny valley. The life and history of the Mysterious Person has never been revealed to any Time Cop.

    Frank Smith: "I'm just sorry I couldn't have done better, Sir. That Arena situation was a real mess, craziness everywhere. God knows where they all came from."

    Mysterious Person:"Careful, Agent Smith. You don't want to attract any undue attention from He Who Must Not Have His Name Taken in Vain."

    Frank Smith: "That's a bit of a mouthful, Sir."

    Mysterious Person:"That's what she said!! Ha! Zing!!!"

    Frank Smith: "..."

    Mysterious Person: "Oh. You're gay, right? So... that's what he said?"

    Frank Smith:

    Mysterious Person: "No? Not cool?"

    Frank Smith: "Sir, for a mysterious, ominous, shadowy dude you're kind of a jerk."

    Mysterious Person:"Yeah... that's what living over a thousand years does to you."

    Frank Smith:"Good God! You're a thousand years old!?"

    Mysterious Person: "Ack! Agent Smith. Don't say HWMNHHNTiV!"

    Frank Smith: "Did you really just use that abbreviation, Sir? How are you qualified to be the Head of this organisation again?"

    Mysterious Person: "Because I'm stupidly old. Anyway, doesn't matter. Let's get on with this. You've got a new job! Happy!?"

    Frank Smith: "Well... yeah. Weird question."

    Mysterious Person: "Look, word around the TEA is that you're having a mid-life crisis. So I thought this would give you something to focus on. A bit of detective work, you know?"

    Frank Smith: "I'm not having a mid-life crisis!"

    Mysterious Person: "You left your husband and ran off with a lad twenty years younger than you."

    Frank Smith: "So!? That's my personal life!"

    Mysterious Person: "You bought a motorbike."

    Frank Smith: "Motorbike's are cool!"

    Mysterious Person: "At forty?"

    Frank Smith: "... Damn."

    Mysterious Person: "So, let's get you your mojo back! You're to travel 1000 years into the past. We have a bit of a situation with a time-warp entity."

    Frank Smith: "Ah. Someone outside of time? Do you want me to return them to their own time or bring them back here?"

    Mysterious Person: "It's a special case, Agent Smith. Bring them back here."

    Frank Smith: "Any information on the target?"

    Mysterious Person: "I'm afraid not. That'd be too easy for you then."

    Frank Smith: "... You mean you're not going to tell me?"

    Mysterious Person: "That's right! I want you to really be geared u after this mission. Back on track, you know?"

    Frank Smith: "... and what happens if I don't get... back on track?"

    Mysterious Person: "Your new boytoy likes having his sugar daddy wealthy, right?"

    Frank Smith: "Right. Understood. I'll get this done and prove my head's in the right place."

    Mysterious Person: "Brilliant. See you in a few seconds, Agent Smith!"

    By that, of course, the Mysterious Person actually meant seconds for his time, but not the time for Frank -- which could take weeks.

    Mysterious Person: "I'm pretty sure the readers could understand that for themselves, Narrator!"

    What the--!? Even newbie shadow characters get to talk back to me now!? There's just no respect for Narrators these days...

    Mysterious Person: "There's more than one? You mean we have a choice of Narrator!?"

    Moving on--

    Agent Frank Smith, Time Cop, sat in the roller coaster machine and pressed a few buttons. The machine belches a lot of steam before it slowly starts to move forward a couple of inches. Then, suddenly, it bursts forward at such a speed it was gone in an instant. The only trace was a loud groaning noise that fades in and out until silence finally fills the Time Room.

    Mysterious Person: "Alright... back to playing Pokémon Genesis X568 Infinite Colours."
    Chronos: "Haha, caught me a classic Pikachu! Hey wait, why aren't I Mysterious Person anymore?"

    Your identity got revealed, remember?

    Chronos: "Oh right. I kind of prefer being... mysterious, you know? Well, at least I got Frank sent back. Lucky I didn't accidentally reveal anything to him during all these years. Wow, that would have screwed things up. Number of times I've had to go back in time and correct myself - shesh."

    Chronos, formerly Apple, cracks her knuckles. All these years she's been acting as the Mysterious Person behind the TEA.


    Al Ciao - Page 42

    Five hundred years in the future, at the TEA, Frank Smith has just raised his fist to rap on the door to the Mysterious Person's office, when alarms start going off.

    Loudspeaker: Code Red! To arms! TEA HQ is under assault! The Jupiterites are upon us!

    There is a battle which I don't have enough time to relate, but of which Britt will no doubt want to pick up the slack. At the end of said battle, future Polly, decked in regal... regalia... marches through the corridor, sort of like Darth Vader at the beginning of Star Wars, to her granddaughter's cell.

    Future Polly: Rosebud Simon! Your incarceration is at an end, and not short enough it was! All hail the Empress of Jupiter!

    Jupiterite Stormtroopers: Hail!

    There is silence from the cell. Puzzled, Future Polly crinkles her brow and pulls open the door.

    Inside are Apple's clothes, strewn about on the floor. Future Polly sighs.

    Future Polly: I have REALLY got to have a talk with her about that...
    Chronos: "Alright, alright! All that bloody noise out there. Is someone invading again?"

    She checks a list.

    Chronos: "Okay, let me check my time list, see who's scheduled to be attacking this time. Martians... no. Zarkonians... definitely not. Toasters... not bloody likely. Jupetroopers? Bollocks, that's one conversation I wanted to avoid."

    She bursts out of her office and marches down the corridor. Not only do the Jupetroopers stop firing but the TEA agents also stop, and stare at their leader for the first time.

    Chronos: "Oi! Granny!"

    Polly peeks out from behind a corner.

    Polly:"There you are! Wait, when did you get a wardrobe change? All these old Greek robes? What's gotten into you, dear?"

    Chronos: "Actually, I'm not Rosebud. I'm Chronos. Apple died... or faded... or something and became me, her Potential. It's all a bit complicated. I would say timey-wimey, but I think The Doctor would show up and start complaining again."

    Polly: "... But you're still you? If I take a quick DNA sample I can--"

    Chronos: "Alright yeah, it'd be the same. But, sorry, I have a time agency to run now. I can't go running off to become Empress of some Multidimensional empire now. I have time to govern!"

    Polly looks dejected.

    Polly: "All I ever wanted is for one of my girls to become an Empress. It's all I wanted. And now I get rejected by you too!"

    Chronos hands her grandmother a tissue.

    Chronos:"You'll just have to try again with Losien."

    Polly: "It's too bloody late now! By like five hundred years!"

    Chronos: "I'm the Lord of time! It's never too late! Time isn't some linear thing, in fact it's not even tracks... it's a plate of spaghetti. And no, just because I go back in time to inform your past self to stop being an idiot, doesn't mean this never happened. I'm well beyond time now."

    Polly sniffles.

    Chronos: "Someone get my grandmother a cup of tea! And let the Jupetroopers into the the staff canteen. Don't worry, I'll go back in time and bring everyone to life in a minute. Except those guys from the future that tried to kill Frank Smith and past me. Those guys can suck a --"

    TheBritt - Page 42

    They heroes all dive from the walking house and begin their quest to find their wayward leader. Back in the hut, however, we have the frozen TLTE, Polly and Baba Yaga.
    And Chronos.

    Polly: "Who?"

    Chronos: "Hi there granny. I'm Apple from the future... sort of. Anyway, future you told me to tell you not to bother trying to me make, Apple, become Empress of your little empire because I'm now the god of time. Or something like that. Maybe not god per se... but I think I am. I'm totally awesome."


    Chronos: "Look, just leave me out of your schemes is all I'm saying. Okay? Now I'd better go, I don't want to confuse the situation more than I already have. Plus I've got Jupetroopers in my canteen, they eat a lot. Oh! And there's going to be an epic fight in about twenty minutes. You'll want to get some of your boys down here to join in. You know what they're like if they haven't had a good fight in a while."

    Chronos disappears. Polly strokes her chin in contemplation.

    Polly: "Now, Baba Yaga, about that fourth wish..."

    Baba Yaga: "Sorry, young 'un -- ha, geddit? Young 'un, cause you're not really -- well, nevermind. Your group only gets three wishes. Like a genie, remember?"

    Polly: "I have a ray gun that says otherwise."

    Baba Yaga's eyes flit from the ray gun to TLTE and back again.

    Baba Yaga: "What's your wish then, dear?"
    Polly: "I wish... that The Last True Evil will stop loving my daughter, Losien."

  28. #1668
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Potentially... dangerous

    Back in normal time, in Burundi, the battle is raging fiercely. Polly and her Jupetroopers storm through the jungles in their bright red sci-fi armours, laz0r blasts tearing holes through anything that moved. The TEA Agents, even when dead, were not truly dead. Dying and resetting time over and over, they were whittling down their enemies, bit by bit. Arresting whoever they could manage to get alive.

    The angels were engaging everyone, but particularly they focused upon the dryads - their original enemies. They were also highly engaged with the dragons, being the only two armies that could fly. The dragons would dive bomb anything that came near to the floating palace, but mostly they were on the defensive -- except the dragons that had been taken over by Empress Iriana Emp. Those dragons were mercilessly gutting everything they could see. One awesome battle occurred when those dragons started a fight with several T-Rexes. Yeah, I said T-Rexes.

    The dryads were likely the worst off, yet they knew the jungle like no other - allowing them to engage in guerilla warfare that would have terrified any normal man. But they were divided and led poorly. Those that still followed Justin Beiber were mostly trying to ensnare angels in the jungle canopy, but those that now followed Amal were staying hidden - waiting for their man to return.

    The NeSferatu were striking out hard. They largely attacked the angels, probably because they were all shiny and the NeSferatu... weren't. But mostly they seem to be trying to test themselves, seeing what they were capable of. Many of them were still very young.

    Then, amidst it all, arrive... Potentials.

    One appears in the clouds, riding a tall black Pegasus Cataphract. The horse-like creature had huge black, feathered wings and appears to walk on the sky itself. Being a cataphract, the pegasus is donned in armour to protect the creature from harm. The armour, unlike the horse, is white-silver with some red adornments for decorative purposes. Atop of the beast is a woman clad in similar silver armour. Unlike many women in fantasy, this woman's armour is practical - not skimpy. There is no 'boob sculpted plate'. She has an almost Roman-esque cloak attached to her shoulders that hangs down over the pegasus. There is a sword attached to her hip, but that doesn't appear to be the primary weapon of this Potential. The long polearm-like glaive she carries is her weapon. A pole with a powerful blade upon the end that is somewhere between an axe and a sword. Elegant yet sensible, the weapon would be incredibly versatile. Her auburn-hair is, now, very distinctive for all NeS readers. Gwenhwyfar is the Potential for Losien.

    But she isn't the only Potential to enter the field. Far below, on foot, is another. A samurai.

    Standing upright is the red-armoured samurai, complete with a fearsome mask to hide her beautiful features. Like Gwenhwyfar, this Japanese Potential is not 'fantasy woman in armour'. No boob plate. Her armour is complete, protective and domineering. Like her cohort, she has a Japanese samurai's sword attached to her hip - yet she also has the long naginata, which is much like the glaive. Orochi is the name of this Potential. And this Potential is Subaru Yamamoto.

    Two powerful, honourable warrior women now work together to bring the tides of this battle in their favour.

  29. #1669
    Soriel, Amal, Liberius Vir, Iriana Emp, and Couchman stow themselves among the empty cubicles of the Writers as they hear someone approaching. That someone is Geb the Writer, who stops uncomfortably close to them.

    Geb the Writer: "MEETING! HERE! NOW!"

    The only people to answer his call, though, are Britt the Writer and Al Ciao the Writer.

    Geb the Writer: "What in God's name do you two call what's going on in the story right now?"

    Britt the Writer: "Writing. You know, that thing you keep telling us to do that you don't do yourself."

    Geb the Writer: "You let characters into the office!"

    Britt the Writer: "I, uh... wrote that fictional characters were in our offices. Fictional, as in they don't exist. As in it didn't really happen."

    Geb the Writer: "It did happen! It happened before you started writing too, and what a mess that was! And now they're stealing my donuts!"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Actually, I'm the one stealing your donuts. Sorry."

    Geb the Writer: "Oh... well, my point still stands! If this 'epicness' continues growing, it'll all fly out of hand. We'll lose control, we'll lose the plot, we'll lose readers!"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "We had any of those things?"

    Britt the Writer: "Look, I'll humor you. Let's say the characters do exist, and we have some now right here."

    He gestures towards the cubicles Amal, Soriel, Iriana, and Couchman are hiding in, apparently not noticing their presence.

    Britt the Writer: "If we just ignore them, they'll go about their own business and back into the story, right?"

    Geb the Writer: "We're writers! We tell them what to do, and I won't risk having them galavanting about and causing trouble here too!"

    Britt the Writer tries to articulate a response and finds himself too dumbfounded by the holes in the logic.

    Geb the Writer: "If any of you see them, call for backup so we can gang up on them. Who knows what they'll try to do to us bastards."

    Britt the Writer: "Don't you mean writers?"

    Geb the Writer: "Same thing. Get them out of here by any means necessary, A-SAP! And if I catch anything remotely mythical anytime soon, I'll shred it! Meeting dismissed!"

    Britt the Writer raises his finger to object when Geb the Writer already starts walking away. He sighs and parts in the opposite direction.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Ooo, I think I'll go write up this meeting as part of the story! And have us not notice the characters again to boot! Oh Al, you're a genius! Half the effort and twice the time to play more video games..."

    Al Ciao the Writer walks away from the cubicles, leaving the hidden characters to finally emerge from their hiding spots.

    Iriana Emp: "They're insane."

    Amal: "We should make our way back before one of them notices us."

    Soriel: "They're probably writing us out of here as we speak."

    Couchman: "But if they're...and we're..."

    Soriel: "It's unwise to think about it too much, else 'reality' will take hold, and that would be bad for us."

    Couchman: "Right. Let's not stay here. It is a silly place."

    The four, donned in their outrageous outfits, start sneaking their way out of the offices.

  30. #1670
    Within Baba Yaga's hut...

    Baba Yaga: "I cannot grant your wish."

    Polly: "What?! Have you forgotten the weapon I'm aiming at your face?"

    Baba Yaga: "I'm afraid you don't understand, dearie. I cannot grant your wish because the man you speak of does not love her."

    Polly: "That can't be true. I'm quite aware of what's occurred between the two of them. They have a bond I can only dream of having with my husband, and he's definitely made his love apparent."

    Baba Yaga: "Lies. He is only capable of pain and death, and any appearance of love is only a deception to make what follows all the more painful. His trick plays so well that he believes it himself."

    For a moment, Polly struggles with the revelation bestowed upon her.

    Polly: "...then I wish for him to stop deceiving my daughter!"

    Baba Yaga: "I cannot grant that wish either--"

    The barrel of Polly's weapon presses aggressively close to Baba Yaga's forehead, to which Baba Yaga responds with mild annoyance, hardly skipping a beat.

    Baba Yaga: "--for his destiny is beyond even my control, beyond the control of anyone aside from himself. However..."

    She hums in thought theatrically, looking elsewhere as if giving great thought on the matter.

    Polly: "Yes? 'However' what?"

    Baba Yaga: ", you won't like it, and it may be just as impossible. Nevermind. Go ahead and shoot."

    Polly: "Spit it out! What is it that could be done?"

    A witchy smile creeps across Baba Yaga's face.

    Baba Yaga: "Your daughter, Losien, might be made not to love him. She has a destiny of her own, though, one that wields great power."

    Polly: "No! I'll not have you casting your curses on her! I know full well your wishes come with a terrible price, one I can risk for myself and upon terrible people. Not on her, though! She must take her rightful place, but not like that!"

    In her distress, Polly holds visibly shaken. Baba Yaga slowly slithers around Polly.

    Baba Yaga: "Tell me, are you here of your own free will or by compulsion, my good youth?"

    As if reciting from a script, Polly replies while continuing to stare forward.

    Polly: "Largely of my own free will, and twice as much by compulsion! Do you know, Baba Yaga, how to turn her love away from The Last True Evil?"

    Baba Yaga: "No, I do not... though my second sister might know."

    Polly: "How do I find her?"

    At this point, though, Baba Yaga ignores Polly, instead drawing close to the frozen TLTE, giving him a strong, long whiff, her nose pointed up at the ceiling.

    Baba Yaga: "The russian scent was never heard of nor caught sight of here, but it has come by itself..."

    In a cryptic voice, the old woman seems to recite a new script.

    Baba Yaga:
    "The black blood will clot
    last words struck and blot
    true loves die and rot
    evil reigns fought not..."

    Polly: "The Ever-ending Plot! I have to go!"

    Baba Yaga turns to say something, but by that time, Polly had already left.

    ...and then returns.

    Polly: "I'm taking him with me."

    Her eyes dart around inside the hut.

    Polly: "In that magic walking pot of yours."

    She tips The Last True Evil with little care into the pot before giving it a swift kick with the side of her foot. The pot jumps to life and scrambles out of the hut. Polly eyes the hut once more.

    Polly: "And I'm taking this mop, because I could use a nice new mop and you made me mad."

    Polly snatches the mystical mop before storming out of the hut. Baba Yaga cackles to herself.

    Baba Yaga: "Fie fie, the end is nigh."

    A decay-filled mass of pus and blood and ink scratch and spill across the floor of the hut...
    Last edited by Gebohq; 02-13-2014 at 12:19 PM.

  31. #1671
    Virgin Fleet Admiral

    Rachel: Oh, Gebby, I'm so glad you gave up being Main Character for me.

    Gebohq: I never thought I'd say this, but... me too. Los is so much better at it than me. The story's going all these amazing places with her, and--

    Rachel hisses.

    Gebohq: --AND, most importantly of all, I get to be with you!

    Rachel relaxes, mollified.

    Rachel: Kiss me again, you fool.

    Gebohq: Actually you're the fool - haha, geddit? Cuz you're the incarnation of April Fools and all that--- mmmmmggrrnnhh!

    Rachel interrupts Geb's ramblings the best way she knows how - by kissing him.

    Rachel & Geb: Mmmmnnnnngggrhhnnhh....

    A few weeks from now...

    Rachel: So Gebby... you know that hot sex we had a few weeks ago?

    Geb: And every other night after that?

    Rachel: Right, but that first time especially.

    Geb: The really hot...

    Rachel: Right.

    Geb: ...really steamy...

    Rachel: Mm-hm.

    Geb: ...really wild...

    Rachel: ...really unprotected sex?

    Geb's mouth drops open.

    Geb: You don't mean--

    Rachel opens her hand, revealing the positive pregnancy test. Geb faints.

    Rachel: Not quite the reaction I was hoping for...


    Empress Iriana Emp: I dunno, this doesn't really have a great view.

    She sweeps her hand across the vast chessboard expanse of the l33t.

    Venedite: I dunno, I've got a pretty good view from where I'm standing.

    Iriana turns to see Maeve's Potential eyeing her up and down very ostentatiously. The Empress giggles.

    Empress Iriana: Well, I do have my father's melodramatically romantic streak in me, and it is Valentine's Day. But a love nest, first, I think is required.

    She spies Mayaal's hovering ship across from them, where the Olympian gods are still playing Risk. Followed by Venedite, the powerplayer zooms over there and rains lightning bolts down on the Grecians.

    Zeus: Oi! That's my shtick!

    Empress Iriana: Not any more, Grandpa!

    A stray lightning bolt scorches the Risk board.

    Athena: No! I was just about to take over the world!

    Ares: Bwahahahahaha, suck it, loser!

    Empress Iriana Emp: You call yourself gods, but you're pitiful. You play at taking over the world, but I have done it!

    Venedite flies up behind Iriana, surveying the situation.

    Athena: WRAA! Die interloper! You messed up my game!

    Venedite: Athena, hmm? Virgin goddess, right? Never lain with a man, so it is said...

    She throws some sand onto the goddess of wisdom. Athena passes out.

    Ares: Hey! What did you do to her?! Not that she doesn't deserve it.

    Venedite: I'm using my ridiculously OP ability to convert any woman to a dyke.

    A few weeks from now...

    Muffled Voices: More!

    Empress Iriana Emp, Venedite, and Athena are all enjoying their menage a trois in the love nest of the hovering ship that was once Mayaal's. Hovering over the chessboard expanse a long ways away are Bhac and Mayaal.

    Mayaal: My poor baby...

    Bhac: Meh, it was time for you to upgrade anyway...


    Maeve: Aw, I disappeared. Now I can't watch myself be awesome.

    Otter: *sigh*

    Maeve: What?

    Otter: I miss that anonymous Gynoid already.

    Maeve rolls her eyes.

    Maeve: Any port in a storm, huh? ...ha, she actually had a port, geddit? - hey wait, where are Al and Lady Lightside?

    They hear some rustling from some nearby bushes.

    Maeve: Oh, for the love of-- I'm going to set those two straight! A battlefield is not the time for--

    She stops in midsentence, horrified as she pokes her head through the bushes. A pair of T-Rexes are mating. One of them is on fire. She blinks rapidly several times before pulling her head back out of the bushes.

    Otter: Something wrong?

    Maeve's mouth opens and closes soundlessly several times before she shakes her head.

    Otter: *sigh*

    Suddenly more rustling comes from the bushes. Maeve stiffens, alarmed.

    Otter: Oh, they must be done.

    Horrified, Maeve is frozen to the spot. The bushes rustle some more, and out comes--

    Otter: Anonymous Gynoid?!

    The plastic pink-haired robot flings herself at Otter.

    Gynoid: I am not allowed to stay behind for you, my love! Teehee!

    Otter: But you did anyway?

    Gynoid: I'm going to be dismantled for scrap when they catch me. Teehee!

    Otter: Let's make the best of the time we have then!

    Maeve: Wait... so when they come back for her, I'll have another shot at the clinic? THE QUEST FOR BREASTS IS BACK ON!

    A few weeks from now...

    Otter: Alas, poor Gynoid, I knew her well...

    Maeve: Too well *grumble*


    Lady Lightside: Oh, Al, that was wonderful!


    A few weeks from now...

    Lady Lightside: Oh, Al, that was wonderful!



    Britt the Writer: Really? You're making your character that virile in an effort to shore up your own ego?

    Al Ciao the Writer:

    A few weeks from now...

    Al Ciao the Writer: Nooooo! Why did you write that, Britt?!

    Britt the Writer:


    Acidspitter: So, Sera, I was wondering if, uh, if you, uh...

    Seraphim: I... think I'm ready to... go on a date with you now, Louis. Yeah. One date. For Valentine's Day.

    Their Hero Force One wristwatches - far more sophisticated than the NeS Hero watches - beep insistently. A computerized voice speaks out of them.

    DelphAI: Seraphim, Acidspitter, you are hereby being reinstated as active members due to the active crisis. Prepare for teleportation to the Hero Force One story thread via TARDIS.

    Seraphim & Acidspitter: Dammit!

  32. #1672
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Peace Summit

    To save some confusion on events, we'll now skip a few weeks ahead - sometime after all the shagging.

    Britt the Writer: "If there were a sweatdrop smilie, I would use it."

    Britt the Writer, instead, facepalms after reading Al Ciao the Writer's post.

    Britt the Writer: "It was like a shag-a-thon."

    Al Ciao the Writer:


    Other than all of the sex going on, a lot of fighting had been going on too. However as it was Valentine's Day, we didn't want to mar your experience.

    Now that Valentine's has passed, let's take a quick review of the fighting.

    Review Notes: "Lots of people died."

    Very informative.

    Sitting at his garden table is Emperor Pi. His floating castle is still looming over Burundi, casting a great shadow over everything below. Every now and again he'll make the clouds rain when one of his wives starts nagging him. Just to share the torment he's going through.

    For now though he's happily sipping his tea.

    Emperor Pi: "It's lucky I used that incredibly potent and powerful tea during that battle else we might have lost it!"

    Feng the Butler Panda: "But it was used at a time when the audience still doesn't know what it does, your Highness."

    Emperor Pi: "That's quite alright! Some things are better left a mystery!"

    His dragons are back under control and circling the castle on frequent patrols. As most of the other sides have become entrenched, the only action they really see is when a daring angel scout gets too close.

    Standing on the balcony to his favourite room in his Burundi tower, Godly Jim is watching the Chinese Forbidden Palace. His angels, like the Emperor's dragons, are circling and patrolling his tower. Unfortunately they're not as competent as the dragons and he keeps watching a few of them crash into the windows of their own volition.

    Godly Jim: "Do we know where that heathen is, yet?"

    Samael: "No. Justin Beiber is still at large, Jim. I think we could be in for a long, long wait."

    Elsewhere our heroes have built themselves a small camp consisting on tents, blankets and a campfire. After singing a lot of kumbaya, they had gotten fairly bored. Only Al Ciao and Lady LightSide seem to have been enjoying their time.

    Evil G:"I think I'm going to throw myself into that Bog of Eternal Stench, just to pass the time."

    Maeve: "Swamp. It's a swamp."

    Al Ciao: "It's lucky we met up with Amal and his dryad friends, else we'd never have these awesome berries to eat."

    Evil G: "If I have to eat one more berry, I'm going to shove it up Al's arse!"

    Soriel: "This war of attrition is taking its toll. Action is needed. Or at least... a meeting."

    Evil G: "You mean a meeting of all the leaders? I'm totally up for that! I'll be our representative!"

    Soriel: "We want this war to end, not get worse! Because Losien isn't here, I guess our only choice is A--"

    Amal feels a surge of pride and he is about to stand up.

    Losien: "Jesus Christ, am I glad to see you lot!"

    Amal's pride crumbles.

    Losien: "I thought I was in prehistoric times, but then I saw some dude with a Mickey Mouse hat on and remembered there's a load of dinosaurs around Burundi for some reason... What's going on?"

    Soriel: "Well..."

    Not too far away, Justin Beiber signing autographs for his dryad fans. He's signing their bark skin with a knife. The dryads happily go through the pain, just to have his name carved into their bodies.

    Dryad #426: "Oh, I think I've got Beiber fever."

    Justin Beiber: "Happens to every woman, I meet."

    Dryad #426: "Actually, I mean the real Beiber fever. It's a rare tropical disease that all dryads are prone to."

    Justin Beiber: "Uh... but you still love me, right?"

    Dryad #426: "Of course, my love! I will endeavour not to be sick on you."

    Justin Beiber:
    "Yeah, also I think you should take a wash. Looks like there's some moss growing on you. It's disgusting."

    Dryad #426: "But... I'm a dryad. It's natural for... us... to... I shall cut it off for you, my love!!"

    Justin Beiber:
    "Yeah... also, have you considered a face lift?"

    Deep in the jungle is Polly and her Jupetroopers. She's still in possession of the TLTE statue, though it hasn't been of much use thus far. The Jupetroopers are all sitting around a campfire in merriment, eating T-Rex meat.

    Polly is on the phone.

    Polly: "So you're Baba Yaga's sister? Yes, I need a wish. I know I should come and see you in person but I'm in rather a hurry. Credit card? Yes, I have one. How much!? Alright, alright! I'll send you the information later this evening, I have somewhere to be. Yes. Okay, thank you."

    She hangs up.

    Polly:"Crazy witches these days. So demanding. Sheesh."

    The walking pot nudges her leg.

    Polly: "What're you looking at?"

    Again, elsewhere, the TEA agents have teleported a future bunker from the future to the present so that they could bunker down... and drink coffee from the vending machine.

    Chronos: "I've always considered TEA agents drinking coffee to be some kind of sacrilege, you know?"

    TEA Agent #689: "Mysterious Person!"

    Chronos: "That's right. Mysterious Person, I am. Enjoying your break?"

    TEA Agent #689: "Uh! Sorry Sir! Uh, I mean... it's not a break, Sir. The war has become a war of attrition. Each side has bunkered down and is basically taking pot shots at each other. We're mostly ignored because all we do is arrest people instead of blowing them up. We've managed, however, to take forty-two people into custody and have been sent off for processing and trial."

    Chronos: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, not actually interested. I'm just here for the meeting."

    TEA Agent #689: "Meeting?"

    Chronos: "Yeah, meeting of each leader of the factions here. Kind of summit type thing."

    TEA Agent #689: "I hadn't heard --"

    Chronos: "I see a lot more of the future than you do, mate. Just trust me. Get me some of that coffee."

    TEA Agent #689: "I thought you said it was sacrilegious?"

    Chronos: "Give me some damn coffee!!"

    At the ruins Antestarr places his fingers upon Subaru's neck. Subaru sighs.

    Subaru: "How many times do we have to go through this, Antestarr? Either do it or don't."

    Antestarr: "I could do it! I could do it now! But... but I can't! I won't! I cannot damn you to the darkness--"

    Subaru: "The first few times you did this, it was dramatic and moving. But now... I'm bored of it. Maybe you should just let me go?"

    Nyneve: "Maybe I should just do it for you?"

    "That might actually be a good idea. Put me out of my misery."

    Antestarr: "NEVER!!!! SHE IS MINE!!"

    Elsewhere the two awesomely powerful Potentials, Gwenhwyfar and Orochi, are sitting at a flat stone and playing cards. They might have been playing poker but that games overused... so they're playing snap.

    Gwenhwyfar: "SNAP!"

    Orochi: "Bugger."

    An hour later and the leader of each faction is sitting around a table in the middle of the jungle.

    Godly Jim sits, Archangel Michael is standing behind him. Justin Beiber is at the table with dryad #426 behind him. Chronos is sat with TEA Agent #689 behind her. Emperor Pi sits with Feng the Panda Butler holding a tea tray behind him. Losien sits with Soriel behind her. Antestarr is there with Nyneve behind him. Polly is sitting with a Jupetrooper behind her. And finally both Potentials are sitting at the table.

    Godly Jim: "Hey, why do you both get to sit here?"

    Gwenhwyfar:"Technically we're not really on the same side. We're just not trying to kill each other. You lot are more fun to put to rights."

    Orochi: "We're really just here for teh lulz."

    Losien: "Apple!? You're okay!"

    Chronos: "That's a loooooooooooooong conversation we'll have to have another time, mother. Technically I am Apple, technically I'm not."

    Losien: "..."

    Chronos: "Long conversation, like I said."

    Emperor Pi: "Perhaps this meeting ought to begin? Let us try to negotiate peace."

    Godly Jim: "... this is going to be get boring, isn't it?"

    Emperor Pi: "What do you want, Jim? Why are you fighting?"

    Godly Jim: "I have a Crusade against that worm!!"

    He points at Justin Beiber. Justin turns around to look at dryad #426.

    Justin Beiber: "What did she do to you?"

    Godly Jim: "Idiot, I'm talking about you! You foul menace!"

    Losien: "Didn't you used to be a foul menace?"

    Godly Jim: "Compared to him?"

    Losien: "Good point."

    Emperor Pi: "So, do we turn Justin Beiber over to Jim?"

    Everyone, but Justin Beiber, says "aye" and raises their hands.

    Justin Beiber: "I don't want to go with him!"

    Emperor Pi: "Sorry, young man, but you were out-voted. Off you pop."

    Justin Beiber sulks and walks over to Jim's side of the table. Jim stands and whips out his mobile phone.

    Godly Jim: "Yo, man. I got a soul for you."

    On the other end of the phone;

    Acidspitter: "Dude, I'm about to get into the TARDIS, can't stop."

    Godly Jim: "Well, I'll put him in the queue. Let your guys know he's on his way. You'll want this one. It's Beiber."

    There's a pause on the other end.

    "Okay, I'll let them know. I've got a special torture pit set up just for him. Involves pineapples."

    Godly Jim: "Sounds painful. I love it. Talk to you later, bro."

    Jim puts his phone away.

    Godly Jim: "Mikey. Smite him."

    Archangel Michael brings down the wrath of the Heavens - which means it actually arcs up and down from Jim's tower - upon Justin Beiber who is instantly burnt to a crisp. His ashes fall comically to the ground. Everyone has a good chuckle.

    The dryads that were all under Beiber's control are suddenly released and they wonder what the Hell they've been doing for several weeks and why they all have awful carvings of an idiot's name in their bark. Dryad #426 looks shocked, then runs for it.

    Godly Jim:"That was awesome. My other problem is you, Old Man. I want you out of my airspace."

    Emperor Pi: "I don't want to be in your airspace. I've been achored here by Plot. Once this meeting is adjourned, I expect my palace will shift back to where it belongs. Above China. You know there's an entire floating city up there? Goodness knows what those pandas are getting up to without me there."

    Godly Jim: "... Pandas. Right."

    Emperor Pi: "Time Agents. What is it you want?"

    Chronos: "To arrest you all for violating time. Vigorously."

    Orochi: "You mean you want to vigorously arrest us, or that time has been vigorously violated?"

    Chronos: "Both! But really I just want to arrest my mother."

    Losien: "What!?"

    Chronos: "You've broken a lot of time laws, mother. I set up a lawyer firm that deals with time-breakers like you and they'll judge you guilty or no."

    Emperor Pi: "All in favour of handing Losien over to her time-policing daughter?"

    Everyone, bar Losien, says "aye".

    Losien: "No way!!"

    Soriel: "Losien... I think it would be best to play along for now. I think I've heard of this lawyer firm before."

    Chronos whips out some documents and looks over them.

    Chronos: "You certainly have. The way this is going to work - your defence will be performed by Couchman."

    Losien sighs with some relief. At least he was a Cast Member.

    Chronos: "The prosecution will be done by... Gebohq."

    Losien: "That... can't be right."

    Chronos: "It is. Agent, arrest this woman."

    The Time Agent places Losien under arrest, using his sci-fi cuffs. Losien and the agent instantly vanish into the future where she would go through processing and placed into holding - reading to then be sent back in time again to London and the judicial system awaiting her.

    Emperor Pi: "Soriel, was there anything else that your party needed?"

    Soriel: "Al Ciao got his penis, and I imagine that Gebohq and Rachel have rekindled their relationship. Which means, we're ready to deal with the Potentials and Losien's defence."

    Emperor Pi: "What about you, Polly? What do you and your Jupetroopers desire?"

    Polly: "Losien has been taken out of the equation for now. I have some plans of my own to do, so long as she's where she is, it works for me."

    Emperor Pi: "Potentials?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "We are the ones who will be dealing with you, Soriel."

    Soriel stares at Gwenhwyfar. He may not be the blood-thirsty swordsman he once was, but he still knew how to give evil stares of malice.

    Gwenhwyfar: "But it would be pretty funny to see my... un-Potential in the dock. What do you say, Orochi? What to watch Losien being tried?"

    Orochi: "Sounds like fun."

    Emperor Pi: "What about the NeSferatu?"

    "I want to turn Subaru."

    Everyone else looks at each other with confusion.

    Godly Jim: "I don't think that's got anything to do with us, mate."

    Antestarr: "... I also want to turn lots of other people into NeSferatu."

    Emperor Pi: "Everyone in favour of letting Antestarr turn us all into vampires, say aye."

    Only Antestarr says "aye".

    Orochi: "I would say aye into letting him try and turn me."

    Antestarr: "I refuse to speak to fake Subaru."

    Orochi: "You're just asking to be gutted like a fish."

    Antestarr: "You can try."

    Gwenhwyfar: "Hold on, Orochi. He'll get his turn."

    Orochi shrugs.

    Godly Jim: "What about you, Old Man?"

    Emperor Pi: "I want everyone to drink this tea I had grown on the farms of Shanxi. I haven't named it yet. I'm just calling it Mellow Time Tea for now. Not quite exotic or grand enough as a name, but it will do for now. All in favour?"

    Everyone agrees and drinks their tea. Instantly everyone feels calm and content with the way things have gone.


    An hour later, Antestarr and Nyneve arrive at the ruins. Antestarr is actually smiling.

    Antestarr:"You know what, Nyneve? I think I'm finally going to do it!"

    Nyneve: "About time! Let's get her..."

    They look around. A note is on the floor.

    "We saved Subaru while you were out. Sorry. - Amal."



    Several hours later, Long Xiang lands in London with all of the heroes, two Potentials and Emperor Pi in his gondola. They all file out, except the Emperor. He looks at Rachel specifically.

    Emperor Pi: "Be careful, my dear. I hope it lasts this time."

    Rachel: "Uh... me too."

    Emperor Pi: "You look a little flushed, are you okay dear? I have some medicinal tea if you need it."

    Rachel: "No thanks, daddy. I'm fine. You go back to my mothers. Tell them I miss them. Me and Geb still have some... things to work out. But I think the future is... promising."

    Emperor Pi: "Very well. Goodbye heroes! I'm sure we'll meet again very soon!"

    With that, Long Xiang takes off into the air with the emperor and the glide their way back to China where the Forbidden Palace has reappeared after the Plot concluded.

    Evil G: "So are you ready to put your own sister into time prison?"

    Gebohq: "Not really, no."

    Couchman: "Don't worry, Gebohq. You've only been a lawyer with us for a few weeks. I'll be able to make you look like a fool and go running with your tail between your legs."

    Gebohq:"Uh... thanks?"

    Subaru: "Who's the jury?"

    Both Potentials instantly whip out pieces of paper and fake surprise.

    Gwenhwyfar: "Oh look! Turns out we've both been called up for jury duty!"

    Orochi: "What a coincidence!"

    The two Potentials march off into the courthouse.

    Subaru: "Wow... my Potential is a massive tosser."

    Soriel: "Is there a list of witnesses?"

    Couchman: "The ones we know of, yes. Others may step up that the prosecution chooses."

    Gebohq waves.

    Couchman: "Looking at the list, one for the prosecution is... Polly. Her own mother."

  33. #1673
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Step Up to Fight

    In London, the Characters all march into the courthouse.

    Amal, Couchman, Gebohq Simon, Rachel Pi, Soriel, Al Ciao, Lady LightSide, Subaru Yamamoto, Evil G, Maeve, The Otter, Tracer, Frank Smith and Iriana Emp.

    As they enter they sit in the audience - except Gebohq and Couchman. Couchman move to the left box, where the defence sits, and on the right is Gebohq where the prosecution sits. Soriel comes down to sit with Couchman, while The Otter comes down to sit with Gebohq. The judge is sitting up in front - who turns out to be Krig the Viking.

    Gebohq: "Krig! You can't be a lawyer AND a judge!"

    Krig the Judge: "Krig do what Krig want. Krig want be judge. Krig judge."

    Gebohq: "I'm not sure if this is going to be a good thing, or a bad thing, Otter."

    The Otter: "I never really understood how Krig got to be a lawyer to begin with."

    Gebohq: "That's a mystery for all of time."

    On the other side.

    Soriel: "Even if Gebohq tries not to win this, the evidence is probably going to be against Losien."

    Couchman: "Plus, the jury may not be the most... unbiased."


    Meanwhile, in the l33t.

    Venedite: "Okay, ladies. I think it's time to get this show on the road. We've got two hardcore power-pots over there and we need to take them down for good."

    Athena: "I'm being roped in?"

    Venedite: "It wouldn't hurt to have a sexy, war goddess on my team."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "I'm still a bit surprised that even happened..."

    Venedite: "Valentine's Day. Love was literally in the air!"

    Bhac and Mayaal float down towards the boat. Mayaal hovers a few inches from the surface, with a look of distaste on his face.

    Bhac: "You can give up now, Potential. This is going to get messy."

    Venedite: "I'm here for a purpose, Bhac. Why are you here?"

    Bhac: "We have roles to play."

    Venedite: "Defunct roles, Bhac. Prepare to... lose your jobs. Permanently."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "That was an awful line."

    Venedite: "I know! It was so bad, it was awesome."

  34. #1674
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Al Ciao the Writer: Holy carp.

    Britt the Writer: What?

    Al Ciao the Writer: You tied together the Plot. Very neatly, I might add.

    Britt the Writer: And did it in a better and more sensible way than just throwing everyone into a melee by fiat.

    Al Ciao the Writer: But arbitrary melees are fun!

    Britt the Writer: Can't argue that. But it was nonsense.

    Al Ciao the Writer: Can't argue that.

    Geb the Writer: Al, I swear to God, if you write a post that is nothing but us talking, I will strangle you.

    Al Ciao the Writer grumbles and starts typing.


    Geb: Um, so... Mum?

    Polly: I believe you have to refer to me by my name while I'm on the stand, Gebby dear.

    Geb: Muuuuum, enough with the baby names!

    Losien: I know, right?!

    Couchman: Shush! The defendant should never say anything, it can and will be used against you.

    Polly: See there, Gebby dear? Losie is trying to influence you against me, and therefore in her favor.

    Krig: Krig say give her 20 years hard labor.


    Couchman: Objection! The case has barely begun, much less been decided.

    Gwenhyfar: Oh, I decided a long time ago which way I'm gonna swing.

    Orochi: Really? I'm just gonna use a Ouija board.

    Gwenhyfar: Oooh, nice touch of irony there. My un-Potential's name was selected by Ouija board.

    Polly: It was a phase.

    Couchman: OBJECTION! The jury must be unbiased.

    Gwenhyfar: Oh come now, Couchman, do you really think I'm going to find myself guilty?

    Losien: Objection rescinded! Carry on.

    Couchman sputters.

    Gwenhyfar: On the other hand, I might surprise you with my vote. You do know me better than anyone else, Losien.

    Losien pales slightly.

    Losien: Objection!

    Krig: Krig overrules!

    Couchman: On what grounds?

    Krig looks very confused, and looks at his feet. He taps the floor with one boot.

    Krig: On courtroom ground.

    Couchman facepalms.

    Polly: So, Gebby dear, I believe you were about to name me?

    Geb: Um, er, yeah... You are Polly Simon. Uh, right?

    Polly: Correct, Gebby dear. You do such a good job at this, I'm so proud of you!

    He has a pained look on his face, with a slightly confused cast to it.

    Geb: Er, and what is your relationship to the defendant?

    Polly: I'm her mother.

    Couchman: OBJECTION! The prosecution is clearly incompetent, as he doesn't know the identity of his own mother.

    Losien: Rescinded! Couchman, do you REALLY want them to pick a prosecutor who WANTS me found guilty?

    Couchman grumbles again. In the courtroom back rows, where our other heroes are sitting, Lady Lightside looks worriedly at Geb, and nudges her husband, who has an arm around her.

    Lady Lightside: Al?

    Al: Yes, baby?

    Lady Lightside: This development worries me, Geb being a lawyer now. You know, I was a lawyer once, 12 thousand years ago, and look what happened to me!

    Al: You don't mean--?

    Lady Lightside: Yes. It could mean that--


    The courtroom screeches to a halt. Literally. It's trotting about on giant chicken legs that Polly swiped from the Baba Yaga's hut. Also figuratively too, as everyone stops and looks at Al in surprise, before turning their gazes to Geb in shock. Lady Lightside facepalms.

    Lady Lightside: No, honey, I meant that he might become evil--

    Maeve: YES! I knew Rachel was actually a lesbian.

    Rachel: Nope, I can definitely confirm that Gebby is NOT female.

    Otter: Whoa, hold on there! Geb's girlfriend calls him the same thing his mother does? Seriously mommy issues here, I think.

    Maeve: You're the one who was getting all hot for her, Otter.

    Geb looks abjectly miserable.

    Geb: What I wouldn't give for an eclair right now.

  35. #1675
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow m3g4 l33t

    In the l33t Realm, five people are floating gently through... whatever the l33t has for air. Bhac Ssylan and Mayaal, Hands of the NeS, are facing Athena, Goddess of Wisdom and War, and Empress Iriana Emp, Powerplayer from another dimensional. Venedite, Maeve's Potential and Dream-shaper, floats behind her two powerful lovers.

    Mayaal: "If we defeat Venedite herself, perhaps her spell on these two will be void..."

    Bhac Ssylan: "Won't work. It's not a spell. She just altered their dreams to show them new possibilities. Whatever they're doing, it's because they want to do it."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "I'm so glad you just said that, because I really was starting to wonder if I was under some kind of lesbian sex spell. Apparently not."

    Venedite: "I'm appealing enough without forcing you to enjoy me, Iriana."

    Athena: "I think I've always been a some kind of lesbian icon anyway. Brains and power all in one womanly figure."

    Athena poses, momentarily grasping the attentions of the other two women.

    Mayaal: "Sometimes, it's probably good that I'm blind."

    Bhac Ssylan watches Athena too.

    Bhac Ssylan: "No, Mayaal... it's not."

    Mayaal: "I spend a lot of time trying to avoid responsibilities, but right now even I'm focused on pulling through this. Maybe you should be too, brother?"

    Bhac Ssylan: "I am! I'm very... focused..."

    He continues to watch the flirtatious women.

    Mayaal: "Come then, Potential. We will see who the spirit of the NeS believes in."

    Venedite: "Eager to meet your end, Mayaal? You cannot manipulate the Story this time, you realise that? This is a crucial moment for the narrative, you cannot manipulate it your way else this entire scene would seem redundant."

    Mayaal: "This is the NeS, there's a lot of redundant scenes."

    Venedite: "But who's Writing?"


    Britt the Writer: "I can't help myself."


    Britt the Writer:
    "... indeed."


    Mayaal: "We still have more at our disposal than story manipulation, Potential."

    Venedite: "No doubt. I also know that you can only oppose evil, Mayaal. Would you say Athena is evil?"

    Mayaal: "..."

    Venedite: "Well?"

    Mayaal: "... no. Then I must face the other worldly Empress..."

    Bhac Ssylan: "Wait, you were planning to make me fight that thing!?"

    Mayaal: "Well... you know? You're more active than me. You care more about all this."

    Bhac Ssylan shakes his head.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Not sure I like being called a thing."

    Athena: "And what am I? Chopped liver? I am a God, you know?"

    Mayaal: "Indeed you are. But even a God cannot compare to a Powerplayer. They consider themselves better even than any God."

    Empress Iriana Emp: "Yes I am. Certainly better than you, Old Man. Are you ready to meet oblivion?"

    Bhac Ssylan: "I've got your back, brother. I'll do what I can to help you if I can get a moment from the Goddess of Wisdom, here."

    "We will need to look out for each other if we are to survive this encounter..."

    Suddenly, music erupts in the l33t.

    "Mr Sandman,
    Bring me a dream


    Make him the cutest that I've ever seen


    Mayaal: "What is that?"

    "--Give him two lips, like roses and clover-


    Athena: "Where is it coming from?"

    "Then tell him that his lonesome night are over!

    I'm so alone


    Venedite sighs.

    Venedite: "Sorry, give me a second."

    Venedite rummages in her nightie and whips out a mobile phone.

    "--Don't have nobody
    To call my own


    Please turn on your magic beam--"

    Venedite presses a button and the ringtone stops.

    Venedite: "Yo."

    Athena: "I suppose you thought you were being clever with that ringtone?"

    Venedite: "Quiet you. Yes, sorry. Just chastising a naughty little goddess."

    Athena: "I love it when she calls me that."

    Bhac Ssylan: "I love it when she calls you that too."

    Venedite: "Alright. See you soon."

    She hangs up and puts her phone away.

    Venedite: "Apparently I have jury duty to attend. So, ladies, can I leave this in your... very capable hands?"

    Empress Iriana Emp cracks her knuckles.

    Empress Iriana Emp: "This is going to be entertaining."

    Venedite disappears, traversing the sub-space lanes of the l33t.


    In the London courtroom Venedite appears in the jury booth with the other Potentials.

    Venedite: "What's going on then?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "Losien's on trial."

    Venedite: "Seriously? That's fantastic!"

    Venedite promptly stands up and points a finger at Losien.

    Venedite: "She's guilty!!!"

    Everyone turns to Venedite in shock.

    Venedite: "She did it in the library with the candlestick!"

    Krig the Judge: "Krig dis-pointed with Los-en. How could Los-en do crime?"

    Losien facepalms.

    Losien: "Worst. Trial. Ever."

  36. #1676
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Game Changer

    In the courtroom Venedite finally sits down after being repeatedly told Cludo is not the way to determine someone's guilt. Venedite looks across at her fellow Potentials and realises the entire jury is made up of various Potentials. However only three of them were visible. The remaining Potentials were hidden in a VERY convenient shadow that disguises their forms.


    Britt the Writer: "For when someone else wants to make a Potentials or two, you know?"

    Gebohq the Writer pats Britt the Writer's shoulder.

    Gebohq the Writer: "Thanks. That was just the prompting I needed to get writing them in."

    Britt the Writer watches Gebohq the Writer, who wanders off, lies on a couch with a pizza and watches CSI.

    Britt the Writer:


    Gebohq: "Mom--"

    Polly: "Ahem."

    Gebohq: "Uh... Polly. Mrs Simon."

    Polly: "Well done."

    Gebohq: "What... how... Why are you here?"

    Polly: "Because my daughter is guilty!"

    Gebohq: "Guilty of what?"

    Polly: "Crimes against time!"

    Gebohq: "But she's your daughter, mom! Why do you want her to be found guilty?"

    Polly: "So that when she's arrested by the TEA she'll be jailed in the future -- I can come back then, break her out of jail and make her empress of Jupiter."

    Gebohq: "...Empress of what?"

    Polly: "I'm sorry, Gebby. This must go right over your little head! Don't you worry about it. Let Losien worry about her own duties and responsibilities, you just go and play."

    Gebohq turns to leave.

    The Otter: "Dude!"

    Couchman stands up.

    Couchman: "I object to this witness. She is trying to manipulate a guilty verdict to suit her own agenda."

    Krig the Judge: "Man Couch right. Los-en mum not good witness."

    Polly: "Bugger..."

    Couchman gives Gebohq a secretive thumbs up.

    Gebohq returns the thumbs up with a broad grin.

    Gebohq: "What did I do?"

    The Otter: "Got your mother removed from the witness stand. Well done."

    Gebohq: "How did I do that?"

    The Otter sighs. They watch Polly being led from the witness stand and seated in the audience, where she sulks.

    Krig the Judge:
    "Next witness is... Evil G."

    Evil G: "I am?"

    Evil G stands up in the audience, fairly bewildered. Nevertheless, when the guards approach to help him through the room, Evil G grins and strides towards the front. As he passes Losien's box he gives her a wink of reassurance.

    Evil G steps up.

    Gebohq: "What's your name?"

    Evil G: "Gebohq Simon."

    Gebohq: "No it isn't!"

    Evil G: "Actually, I'm pretty sure on all official paperwork, I must still be down as Gebohq Simon. You want this to be official right, twerp?"

    Gebohq opens his mouth to respond, but then closes it.

    Evil G: "Alright. I am Gebohq Simon, but also known as Gebiyl or better known as Evil G. Because I'm cool."

    Gebohq: "Right... thanks. Jerk."

    Evil G: "I just want to say that Losien..."

    Everyone waits on his dramatic pause. Losien feels a swell of confidence.

    Evil G: "--Is totally guilty!"

    The audience gasps.

    Losien almost bursts into tears.

    Evil G: "She is an inept leader of a bunch of morons that stomp around the planet messing everything up. I swear, they create more problems than they solve. They're always getting people killed, blowing places up and creating plot-holes left-right-and-centre! Gebohq here killed his friend Rob X--"

    Audience: GASP!

    Gebohq:"I was high on twinkies!"

    Evil G: "--Losien's lover is The Last True Evil, so he's going to turn bad again. We all know it's coming!"

    Audience: GASP!


    Evil G: "Their mother froze TLTE in carbonite when she tried to kidnap her own daughter!"

    Audience: GASP!

    Evil G: "That idiot, Al Ciao, used to be HIghemperor and has slaughtered billions of aliens out there!"

    Audience: GASP!

    Al Ciao: "Urm... I'm nicer now?"

    Evil G: "Soriel there used to enjoy murdering people, he even killed half the people in here!"

    Audience: GASP!

    Soriel: "... I'm nice now too?"

    Evil G: "Maeve is a drunk and a complete waste of space that just hangs on to the NeS Heroes like a dead weight."

    Audience: ... Gasp?

    Maeve: "Now that was just mean!"

    Evil G: "That pregnant weirdo at the back used to be DarkSide, the most evil thing in the entire NeS and we're all really sure that she's going to go back that way once she drops that sprog!"

    Audience: GASP!

    Lady LightSide: "Well... I can't really argue with that."

    Evil G: "Rachel Pi tricked her way into the NeS! This idiot thinks he's in love with her, but doesn't realise he's just been duped into it!"

    Audience: GASP!

    Rachel Pi: "That--that's not true! How dare you!"

    Gebohq frowns...

    Evil G: "Frank Smith there--!!"

    Frank Smith's eyes widen, realising he is next on Evil G's biting list.

    Evil G: "--Is new!"

    Audience: GAAAASP!!!!!!!

    Frank Smith: "Not really fair to hold that against me..."

    Evil G: "And here's a big one that going to upset a fair few people..."

    The audience sits on tender hooks.

    Whatever that means.

    Evil G: "The Otter... blew up Jupiter and replaced it with that second sun we have!"

    Audience: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!!!!!!

    Polly and Soriel's eyes both round on The Otter.

    The Otter: "Ooooooh yeah! I remember that! LOLtastic times those were."

    Polly and Soriel's eyes could have burnt a hole through The Otter... if they had eye beams.

    Losien: "So, my mom wouldn't have tried to kidnap me... or Apple... if Otter hadn't blown up Jupiter?"

    Couchman: "And thus Losien would never have tried to travel through time to save her daughter. In fact, Frank Smith here would never have come back in time looking for her."

    Soriel: "And Chronos would never have existed to send him back. In fact, the entire TEA would never have existed. Or this very court."

    Krig the Judge: "So... Los-en not guilty?"

    Gebohq: "Wait, if Losien isn't guilty because of something The Otter did in his past, does that mean we should try The Otter instead?"

    The Otter: "Whoa! Wait, what for!?"

    Krig the Judge: "Krig try all heroes?"

    Evil G: "Ah, but Krig, if you do that... you have to try yourself too! For eating all those innocent bunnies."

    Krig the Judge looks alarmed.

    Evil G: "My point is this! Everyone here has done much worse than the crime Losien is being judged on. Much worse. All Losien is guilty of is loving her daughter so much that she risked everything to save her. Just like any responsible parent should do."

    Losien didn't know if she should hug her dimensional brother, or beat him.

    Couchman: "That... is a good argument. But totally irrelevant and would never stand up in a real trial..."

    Soriel: "Fortunately we have a Viking as judge."

    Krig the Judge is weeping.

    Krig the Judge: "Next witness..."


    Awesome battleness is raging across the l33t as these super powerful awesome guys beat the living Hell out of each other. The awesomeness of this scene is so awesome that it goes well beyond words and I am incapable of describing just how awesomely epic it is. The awesomeness of this fight goes off the scale... the awesome scale.

    However we will cut in right at the end.

    Bhac Ssylan has managed to trap Athena within some kind of magical prison capable of holding even gods - though not for long. He reaches his brother, Mayaal, who is still fighting against the supremely powerful Empress Iriana Emp. But he's badly wounded.

    Mayaal holds out his hand towards Bhac Ssylan. Empress Iriana Emp is bearing down upon him for the final blow, the powerful of the Multiverse behind her... whatever that is. Bhac Ssylan looks at his brother.

    Bhac Ssylan: "Goodbye, my brother."

    Mayaal: "Bha--!!"

    Mayaal, the entity that was once Jedi Kirby the White and Qwerty Uiop, is obliterated in the Powerplaying fury storm that also goes well beyond writing ability and would consist of a lot of metaphors and expressions to try and depict what the heck is happening.

    After the dust has settled Empress Iriana Emp turns on Bhac Ssylan.

    Empress Iriana Emp:
    "You cannot fight me, Bhac."

    Bhac Ssylan:

    Empress Iriana Emp:
    "But I can wipe you out."

    Bhac Ssylan: "Wait! I have an offer for your... friend. I sacrificed Mayaal because I knew it had to be done to save myself. There had to be a game change here... but if both me and Mayaal are destroyed then something will happen to balance Venedite out. Yet, if she spares me and takes Mayaal's place... perhaps the game change is met and I am her balance... Why don't you make my proposal to her?"


    Pterodactyl: "ROOOOOAR!"

    Couchman: "Objection! This witness is clearly lying! Losien never went back to prehistoric times, this pterodactyl is just from Burundi where, apparently, dinosaurs still roam!"

    Pterodactyl: "ROOOOOOOOOAR?"

    Krig the Judge: "No, you not have fare back to Burundi. Bad dino-bird."

    The pterodactyl is led away from the witness stand.

    Krig the Judge:
    "Next witness is... God."


    Jim7 takes the stand and everyone sighs with disappointment.

    Gebohq: "Jim... why are you here?"

    Godly Jim: "Because Losien and her friend promised that they'd make my go-kart track in Burundi but they escaped my Heavenly fortress!"

    "Objection. That's not the crime she's being charged with."

    Godly Jim:
    "It's not? Well it's bloody should be!!"

    "Mr Sandman
    Give me a dream


    Venedite: "That'll be me..."

    She whips her phone out again and answers it.

    Venedite: "Iriana?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "You know, you could answer it later?"

    Orochi: "So rude, Venedite!"

    Venedite sticks her tongue out at them.

    Venedite:"Tell him I agree. You can finish him off later if we get bored of him. Thanks. Kisses! Bye-bye!"

    Everyone in the room is looking at her with sour faces.

    Venedite: "Sorry, it looks like I've just become a Hand of the NeS!"

    Audience: GASP!!

    Venedite: "Specifically the Hand that represents good. And, in light of Evil G's revelations, I judge you ALL to be guilty!!"

    She stands up and a dramatic wind pulls at her short nightie.

    "I probably should have had a cloak for that. Anyway, you should all prepare to be purged--!!"

    The heroes all gasp with fright.

    Venedite: "--Of your sins! Jim here will act as priest and set up a confessional. You'll all be doing a lot of hail Marys!"

    The heroes all facepalm.

  37. #1677
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Jim looks very put out in his priest's habit - fashioned hurriedly from a habit stolen from a passing nun, who is now running about in her knickers - as he is ushered into the confessional.

    Jim: I never signed up for this! I'm God! She can't tell me what to do!

    Al Ciao climbs into the other side of the confessional booth.

    Al: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned... I have fornicated manifold times with the lewd intent of impregnation...

    Jim: On second thought, this could be really juicy! Go on, Al!

    To keep this story from going straight to XXX territory--


    Britt the Writer: Oh, NOW you care about that?

    Al Ciao the Writer: Consistency and I are not on speaking terms.


    --we will skip the next hour of Al's detailed confessions, extracted in excruciating detail by Jim, who is a very naughty God indeed.

    Al: ...and I've failed as a parent. My own daughter is sitting out there in the courtroom with everyone else, and won't say a word to me. Actually I'm not sure she even knows I'm here; she has eyes only for Losien's lawyer, What's-His-Face. That simultaneously breaks my heart and uplifts it. I don't even know if I should go talk to her or not; I think she might be happier without me in her life.

    Jim: BORING!

    Al: And my baby by Mia - a woman who killed me, I might add - will never know me... and I'm pretty sure that my current wife will dump me and try to eat my newest kid as soon as she pops. Oh, and I have a xenomorph daughter with demigod powers out there somewhere too.

    Jim: ...since when did NeS became a soap opera? NEXT!

    As Al steps out of the confessional, he looks over at Iriana, who is sipping tea and gushing over Couchman's legal skillz. His gaze then wanders to Lady Lightside, who is growing out her hair from her previously bald pate, currently having silky golden ringlets just past her shoulders. Her tummy bump is rather larger, and her eyes - previously dark whirlpools of malign energy - are now a gorgeous blue. Well, the pupils of her eyes are still dark whirlpools of malign energy, but oh well.

    Al: I wonder if there's a way I can keep her from turning back evil.

    Soriel: Well, actually, now that you mention it, there are several ways.

    Soriel has come up behind Al to hear his words. He looks naked without his cape and sword, to most of the other heroes, but the formerly bloodthirsty swordsman is growing used to the feeling.

    Al: Oh? Do tell.

    Soriel: One, brainwash her. Two, perform an exorcism of the dark spirits still within her. Three, use the Holy Llama of Vroomtush to eat her hair in a messianic ritual involving--

    A light bulb goes off in Al's head. Not literally. That would be rather messy.


    Soriel looks bewildered.

    Soriel: It is? The Holy Llama is only temporarily effective, I was only listing it for the sake of completeness--

    Al: I'll just keep knocking her up over and over after she gives birth! She'll never have the chance to go evil again!


    In the expanse of l33t, Venedite has permanently taken up residence in the deceased Mayaal's hovering yacht. It has been redecorated with lots of rainbows, hearts, and flowers. Bhac is currently visiting, sunning himself while admiring Maeve's Potential's body.

    Bhac: Well, I suppose we'd better decide what the next story arc should be. Almost to the beginning of the next page too! Capital timing!

    Venedite: We should probably deal with my fellow Potentials. Well, at least Orochi and Gwenhyfar. Oh, and Otter and Soriel's Potentials, who are still hiding in that jury box shadow. I've already been dealt with, by becoming a new Hand of the Plot.

    Bhac: Oh, and Iriana. The powerplaying Empress one.

    Venedite: Hm, I suppose so. She's still trying to take over the world, isn't she?

    Cut to News Channel 42 out of the Dominion of Bleeding Eyes.

    Tod Ayitsgonnarain: other news, the world has been taken over by someone calling herself Iriana Emp, who has declared herself Empress. After sneezing away the Earth's armies, she has achieved world peace under her banner, and is currently eradicating world hunger by conjuring mystic cornucopias all over the world.

    Cut back to l33t.

    Bhac: Eh, you made her nicer. The world's probably better off.

    Venedite: Right then. We still have Polly and her Jupe agenda to deal with too. Oh, and there's an interesting subplot arc that could happen with Al's children. Lightside will soon give birth, Mia's around somewhere, and there is his alien xenomorph daughter out there. Not to mention his oldest daughter has become a bit of a player.

    Bhac: That sounds like it came off a script.

    Venedite: We're ALL reading off a script.

    Bhac: ...specifically, a script written by Al Ciao the Writer.


    Al Ciao the Writer: Damn, it's that obvious?

    Britt the Writer: Even a diseased, constipated, epileptic monkey would figure that out!

    Sam (the diseased, constipated, epileptic monkey): Hey!

    Al & Britt the Writers: Who let a monkey in here?!


    In Burundi, the HorseGod has been completely forgotten about. His plan to stop the great evil of Al Ciao the Writer's powerplaying personality has succeeded, but now he is abandoned in the worst country of the world. Currently, he is tied by roots to the ground and forcefed fruit in order to provide... fertilizer... for the dryads.


  38. #1678
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Spiritual Confession

    In Djibouti - a tiny country in Africa for those that didn't know - we find a magnificent palace straight from romance novels about the 'exotic'. High up in the palace, Empress Iriana Emp is lounging on a bed of cushions and eating grapes. Each grape is handed to her by a half-naked boy.

    Advisor: "My Lady, the people have taken to calling you Highempress. Do you approve? Or should I have them fed to the dogs?"

    Highempress: "I approve. This being 'nice' routine is pretty fun. I get everything I want, just by... solving world hunger. I should have done this decades ago."

    Advisor: "Quite... your Highness."

    Highempress: "I'm thinking of throwing all of the people in Cairo out."

    Advisor: "Uh... you mean to evacuate the entire city?"

    Highempress: "Evacuate? Sure. Evacuate. Anyway, I want to populate it with cats."

    Advisor: "Cats!?"

    Highempress: "Yes. Cats. Only cats. And no one else in the entire world is allowed to own a cat. They all get to have Cairo as their very own city. I'll rename it to... Catro..."

    Advisor: "... I... I'm not sure the people of Earth would be too happy about this..."

    Highempress: "What!? I gave them all food, what more could they possibly want!? The selfish cretins!"

    Advisor: "Uh... quite... your Highness."


    Back in the London courtroom.

    Gebohq: "And then when I was ten, I kicked Jimmy next door in his shin because he called me Gebssock."

    Godly Jim: "Someone... please... end my pain..."

    Gebohq: "Actually also when I was ten I stole my sister's doll and put jam in her hair. It was supposed to be blood so my Action Man could save her. Losien wasn't very happy about it though."


    Gebohq steps out of the confessional, far from finished. He sits back down in the prosecution booth and turns to Otter.

    Gebohq: "I think it's good to get things off your chest, you know?"

    The Otter: "Not sure we should have told Jim7, of all people, any of our secrets though."

    Soriel walks up to them and glares at The Otter.

    The Otter: "Hi, Soriel. What's up, buddy?"

    Soriel continues to stare until The Otter lowers his hand, which was offered in a high five. Soriel then stomps off to the confessional.

    The Otter: "What's wrong with him?"

    Gebohq: "You did destroy his planet. Murdered his friends, family, ancestors ashes... all that stuff."

    The Otter: "There were people living on that planet!?"


    The Otter: "Oh! ... ... ... ... oops!"

    Inside the confessional...

    Godly Jim: "You totally know you're going to Hell, right?"

    Soriel: "Maybe."

    Godly Jim: "No kind of redemption can save your soul now. Seriously tainted. I mean, you've killed more people than I could count."

    Soriel: "Maybe. Can I go now?"

    Godly Jim: "Fine. But I've got my eye on you. You won't be using that big noggin of yours to slip out of doing your time down below."

    Soriel: "Canada is West of here."

    Godly Jim: "Get out! Is that the last one!?"

    Soriel sits back down in the defence booth with Couchman.

    Godly Jim sweeps out of the confessional, still in his nun habit.

    Godly Jim: "I'm never doing that again! You're all very, very bad!"

    One of the Potentials stands up, but it's not one of the ones we've met. As he stands up he is revealed in light. He's wearing robes, similar to those found by desert-wearing tribes, complete with hood. Everyone squints at his face, trying to recognise who he is.

    Losien: "It's Frank!"

    Frank Smith: "Whoa! I get a Potential? I'm new!"

    Evil G: "Dude, your Potential is Lawrence of Arabia!"

    The Potential lifts up a staff and places its tip down. He announces his name to be "Prophet".

    Frank Smith: "Prophet of what?"

    Prophet: "It's my name, not what I am. But if I am a prophet, then I'm a prophet of love and peace."

    Evil G: "Dude, your Potential is Ghandi!"

    Frank Smith: "Why are you... I... a prophet?"

    Prophet: "And why not? Right now you go around upholding laws, arresting people, keeping the peace. Truth is, you could grant people peace by spreading the word of peace. And if that doesn't work... well, I have a very large staff. And I don't mean my penis. Though that's large too."

    Everyone Else:

    Prophet: "Anyway. Now that you've all done your confessional, perhaps it's time I gave you mercy and forgiveness."

    Godly Jim: "Hey, hold on a minute--"

    Prophet: "You have all done bad things. But the truth is, you all have goodness in your hearts. Even Evil G. Even Soriel. Even TLTE, wherever he is..."

    Polly taps her fingers against the walking pot and glances out of the window.

    Another Potential stands up. Many people gasp, others look confused.

    Iriana Emp: "It's me!?"

    Amal: "It's the evil Iriana! The Empress one!"

    Iriana ???: "Not quite..."

    Soriel rubs his eyes as though he had experienced a very, very long day.

    Soriel: "Our Iriana Emp's Potential is to gain the Powerplaying skills of her father. The other Highempress we have is Iriana Emp from another dimension where that potential became a reality. So now, we have two Powerplaying Irianas..."

    Iriana Emp: "And me..."

    Iriana ???: "If it's any consolation, I prefer to go by the name Nkytelios. It means Nocturnal."

    Couchman: "Apparently, like the other Iriana, this one likes melodrama."

    Nyktelios: "Anyway. A showdown between myself and this other worldly counterpart is due, I know. You summoned the Potentials here to deal with her, right? And that's what I'm here for."

    Tracer mutters to Subaru.

    Tracer: "And who will deal with her after she's done?"

    "And who will deal with all these other Potentials after that?"

    Nyktelios: "Anyway, I only stood up to tell you lot to hurry up with this bloody trial. My backside is killing me from sitting here in the dark so long!"

    Orochi: "Gwen, call Venedite and tell her to get her backside back here."

    A moment later and all of the jury members are present again and court is in session.

    Krig the Judge: "Next witness is--"

    Chronos: "Actually, I want to offer a new witness, Judge. The most accurate witness of all."

    Everyone turns with surprise to find Chronos standing at the back of the room.

    Couchman: "Mysterious Person, you always said that you would never act as witness in these trials..."

    Chronos: "I don't mean me, I mean someone... better."

    Couchman: "Who?"

    Chronos turns to her mother and beckons.

    Chronos: "Come on."

    Losien starts to stand up.

    Chronos: "Not you, mother. You sit down."

    Confused, Losien sits and looks around her - trying to figure out who Chronos is beckoning.

    Then she feels it. A breaking, snapping sensation. Her spirit stands up and walks towards the witness stand. Losien feels the desire to follow her spirit, but this time she refrains. This was one witness Losien didn't want to see...


    Al Ciao the Writer: "You made a second Powerplaying Iriana Emp!?"

    Britt the Writer: "It seemed natural at the time."

    Al Ciao the Writer: "That HorseGod should have been more worried about YOU than ME!"

    Britt the Writer: "The words write themselves!"

  39. #1679
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Geb: So um... who are you?

    Losien leans over to whisper to Couchman.

    Losien: Please, don't object this time... he's just following protocol.

    Geb overhears his sister, well, his sister's body, and answers.

    Geb: No, this time I'm actually confused. She walked out of your body, and she looks just like you...

    Couchman: I'm in the same boat.

    Krig the Viking Judge overhears Couchman, and looks very alarmed.

    Krig: Krig not want be in boat! Got frozen last time Krig in boat! Abandon ship!

    He jumps off his judge's high chair, and dives out the window of the chicken-stilt courtroom.

    Couchman: Objection! Point of order, the trial cannot proceed without a judge.

    Jim Seven: I'll be the judge. I am the Judge of all the living, after all.


    The current God of Earth adjusts his nun's habit, which being a black robe is vaguely similar to a judge's robe, and climbs to the judge's chair.

    Jim Seven: Guilty!

    Nyktelios: Hey! It's our job to pronounce her guilty!

    Jim Seven: Fine. Carry on.

    Geb sputters for a bit, totally confused, before trying again.

    Geb: Um, so, yeah... who are you?

    Losien's soul answers in a suitably sepulchral voice.

    Losien's Soul: I am the soul of Losien Simon.

    Maeve: I don't suppose your soul is lesbo, Losien?

    Losien & Losien's Soul: NO!


    Geb: How does that even work? How can you be an independent entity from Losien herself?

    Losien's Soul smiles.

    Losien's Soul: The answer to that lies in the riddle of Losien's guilt or innocence. So start cross-examining me and all shall become clear.

    Nyktelios stands up out of her seat in the jury box.

    Nyktelios: Screw this! I'm supposed to depose my alternate universe self as queen of the universe! And you other Potentials are supposed to be my champions!

    Orochi: Your champions?

    Nyktelios: Yes, I am clearly the superior being among us all.

    Al Ciao's heart is breaking as he sees his daughter's Potential, utterly corrupted by the powerplaying he once indulged in. He can remain silent no longer. Standing up, he calls out to his daughter.

    Al: Iriana!

    Both Nyktelios and the tea-drinking Iriana turn to their father, surprised to see him there. Apparently the latter actually had been that preoccupied with Couchman (and her tea), whereas the latter had been preoccupied with her melodrama.

    Iriana: ...Dad?

    Nyktelios: Father! You nonpowerplaying wuss! Reclaim your destiny and together we can rule the universe as father and daughter!

    Everyone Else:

    Rachel brandishes her frying pan ostentatiously. For once, Al ignores it.

    Al: Iriana, I know I've not been a good father. The best thing I knew to do for you was to let you go. Please... don't let it go to waste.

    Iriana's eyes are huge, but Nyktelios snorts.

    Nyktelios: You are weak, Father, but I inherited all of your glory and none of your weakness. Behold, a true powerplayer!

    New Voice???: No. Behold a true powerplayer.

    Everyone turns with a gasp to the part of the jury box that is still shrouded in shadow. A deep baritone has spoken from there, and the figure to which it belongs stands up out of the shadow revealing none other than Highemperor himself. Al's powerplaying alter ego, now exorcised from his other self and thought to have left the NeSiverse forever.

    Nyktelios: Father!

    Iriana: ...Dad?

    Al: No!

    Highemperor's eyes regard his nonpowerplaying alter ego coldly, before offering his hand to Nyktelios.

    Highemperor: Come, my daughter, let us claim our rightful destiny as the true rulers of the universe.

    Nyktelios: YES!

    Nyktelios takes her father's hand, and turns to zoom out the courtroom window. As soon as she turns her back, Highemperor reaches into his cloak and pulls out a frying pan, with which he whacks Nyktelios. A resounding CLANG heralds the slumping of the second powerplaying Iriana's form to the floor.
    Highemperor???: Someone take her to Djibouti, let the two of them duke it out.

    Everyone Else:

    Highemperor???: What are you all staring at me for-- Oh, right.

    Highemperor pulls off his mask, revealing Rachel Pi, the spirit of April Fools.

    Al: Iriana...

    He looks rather lostly at his daughter's Potential unconscious on the floor, before looking at the tea-drinking Iriana.

    Iriana: Dad... you may not have been the... ideal... father, but you're still my father... and I like you a lot better now.

    Impulsively the teenager hugs him, and a tear glimmers in his non-cybernetic eye as he returns the hug.

    Judge Jim: BORING! Kick them out of the courtroom!

    The bailiff, who is a redheaded woman named Ricky, escorts Al and Iriana out of the courtroom. Lady Lightside follows her husband. Couchman looks longingly after the young woman he admires so much.

    Judge Jim: And someone get this unconscious Potential off the floor!

  40. #1680
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow The Complete Cast of Potentials

    Britt the Writer: "You wrote that Highemperor part just to mess with Geb's head, didn't you?"

    He points to the unconscious form of Gebohq the Writer on the ground, who is still in his 'death pose' - clutching his heart.

    Britt the Writer: "Oh my God, you killed Geb!"

    Al Ciao the Writer and Britt the Writer both stare down at the corpse of their friend... I mean colleague... boss... some bloke.

    Britt the Writer:
    "You know what this means?"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "... Yes I do."

    Britt & Al Ciao the Writers: "HOLIDAY TIME!"

    As the two Writers turn to escape their life of 'imprisonment' they feel a hand on each of their shoulders. They turn to see Gebohq the Writer's body standing up-right with a cold, dead stare.

    Gebohq the Writer: "No... holiday... go... write..."

    Britt & Al Ciao the Writer exchange nervous glances.

    Gebohq the Writer: "... Brains..."

    Britt the Writer: "Right, we'll just get on that right now. C'mon Al, works awaiting!"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Yeah, we need our brains to write with. So... we'll go write."

    As the two living Writers sit in front of Al Ciao the Writer's computer they sense the zombie-Writer behind them. Watching their heads. Wondering. After a good few minutes of Britt the Writer writing rubbish on the computer to appease their brain-hungry boss, they hear him growl.

    Gebohq the Writer: "No... brains... here..."

    Britt & Al Ciao the Writers:

    Gebohq the Writer:


    Because she's still unconscious from Rachel Pi's violent attack, Nyktelios - Iriana Emp's Potential - is propped up in her seat. For a moment she sits upright, though eyes closed. A moment later her head slams into the desk before her with a loud, uncomfortable thunk.

    Prophet, sitting next to her, winces as he watched her smack the wood face-first. She doesn't, however, stir.

    Losien: "My spirit... thing... was stuck in that... place after Memory Lane. If anyone remembers, my spirit had to be... reattached by Mecha Lou the Witch..."

    Those who had witnessed even a second of that 'surgical procedure' suddenly have a flashback and cry out in anguish.

    Losien: "Since then... this kind of thing has happened... a couple of times..."

    Gebohq: "So... why is she acting as a witness against you?"

    Spirit Losien: "I was there. Everywhere Losien went, I went too. I felt it. Everything Losien felt, I felt too. I saw, I touched, I smelled, I heard, I remember... all of it."

    Gebohq: "Okay... so... did Losien travel through time?"

    Spirit Losien: "Yes she did."

    Couchman:"Uh oh..."

    Gebohq: "Why?"

    Spirit Losien: "To save everyone from being blown up."

    Audience: GASP!

    Spirit Losien: "Thrawn42689 downloaded himself into Frank Smith's watch and intended to destroy the whole of Africa with a temporal explosion. She travelled through time using Apple's watch to let it blow up on the moon... if anyone bothers to look at the moon tonight, you'll see a very large, very new crator."

    Audience: DOUBLE GASP!

    Spirit Losien:
    "But when she travelled back in time again, the blast went through with her. Almost killing Apple and Voodoo Snowflakes--"

    Evil G: "I'd been wondering where nutso had gotten to."

    Spirit Losien:
    "Only by chance were they saved and transformed into their Potentials. Voodoo Snowflakes became Magick Snowflakes. Apple became Chronos. Fortunate, really. But she also caused numerous time holes to open up, whenever you've encountered one it opened because of her. No doubt her actions also caused a lot of the plot holes you've discovered over the years - plot holes that went spiralling through time and space."

    Gebohq: "Wow... so you're blaming Losien of causing a lot of those plot holes?"

    Spirit Losien: "Obviously. She's guilty of that."

    Gebohq: "Uh... are you sure she's guilty?"

    Spirit Losien: "Yes."

    Gebohq: "Like... really sure?"

    Spirit Losien: "Really, really sure."

    Gwenhwyfar: "Sounds pretty damning to me!"

    Orochi: "Really guilty, she said. Really... guilty."

    Prophet: "Doesn't look good..."

    Gebohq: "Oh... so... I guess she is guilty..."

    Losien: "Geb!"

    Couchman: "My witness, I think."

    Godly Jim: "Yeah sure... whatever. I stopped listening a while ago."

    Couchman: "Why did Losien travel through time, did you say?"

    Spirit Losien:"To save everyone."

    Couchman: "So, you're saying she's guilty of warping time but it was with honourable intentions?"

    Spirit Losien: "Sure. But that doesn't mean she's innocent of the crime."

    Couchman: "Why did she use Apple's watch to travel through time and not Frank's?"

    Spirit Losien: "Because Captain Cadpill froze Frank's watch."

    Soriel: "Captain Cadpill? You mean Voodoo Snowflakes?"

    Spirit Losien: "No, I mean the Captain Cadpill personality matrix contained in Apple's watch. It was Captain Cadpill that allowed Losien to travel through time to the moon."

    Couchman: "Did Captain Cadpill warn Losien about the dangers?"

    Spirit Losien: "No."

    The watch on Losien's wrist lights up.

    CaptAIn: "Fuq."

    Couchman: "So it would appear that the Captain Cadpill is actually the one responsible. Losien Simon was merely acting on intelligence provided to her."

    CaptAIn: "Now... let's not be hasty."

    Losien: "CynthAI did try to warn me at the last minute when I downloaded her."

    CynthAI: "Indeed, I did."

    CaptAIn: "Now, see here CynthAI. I am allowing you to share my watch.

    CynthAI: "I am merely reporting the circumstances as they occurred."

    CaptAIn: "I'm going to demote the both of you."

    Godly Jim: "Alright, so you the stupid watch is guilty and Losien is innocent."

    He bangs his hammer.

    There is a long pause.

    Godly Jim: "What?"

    Couchman: "They have to make the choice, your honour."

    Godly Jim: "Oh right. Are you lot ready to vote then?"

    Gwenhwyfar: "I think we're ready to cast our votes right now. Right?"

    The other Potentials nod.

    The begin to all stand up.

    Gwenhwyfar, Losien's Potential, Orochi, Subaru's Potential. Prophet, Frank's Potential, Venedite, Maeve's Potential. Nyktelios, Iriana's Potential, still 'unconscious' manages to grunt in acknowledgement.

    Then a new Potential stands up.

    Tracer's. But not quite. He looks like Tracer, yet he's fading in and out of focus - like a blurry television station in silhouette of a man.

    Tracer: "I was beginning to wonder."

    I am the Narrator.

    Hey, wait, what? I'm the bloody Narrator!

    I'm the Potential Narrator.

    You've got to be kidding me... Tracer's Potential is to become the Narrator!? Take my job!?

    Evil G: "Actually, after all that monologuing, this makes perfect sense."

    The Potential Narrator kicks the current Narrator in the face.

    Ouch! Bloody Hell! You can't do that!

    I am a very potent and powerful Potential.

    Evil G: "What should we call Tracer's Potential? We can't call it Narrator Mk II... can we?"

    You can call me The Orator.

    Tracer: "Like a bass drum, I hear the thundering beat of my own voice - magnified - within my--"

    And we'll have less of that! I'm The Orator not you!

    Tracer is gagged by random and mysterious people that I just invented.

    You see how much of a nice Narrator I am, now? This guy's a dictator!

    The Narrator is shut in a dustbin.

    The next Potential then stands up...


    In the Writers' Realm, the Narrator is free of the dustbin!

    And we see Gebohq the Writer sobbing over his computer.

    Britt the Writer and Al Ciao the Writer cautiously approach him.

    Britt the Writer: "You okay? Zombie Geb?"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "I'm sorry we don't have any brains... for you, I mean."

    Gebohq the Writer: "I... lost... my... post..."

    Britt the Writer: "Ah, yeah I did get your message. It was a bit garbled. Something about flying monkey technicalities."

    Gebohq the Writer: "Those... monkeys... I'll eat their brains!!"

    Britt the Writer: "Uh... you go do that and I'll go and try to put your ideas into action. How's that?"

    Gebohq the Writer: "... thank you...."

    Al Ciao the Writer: "You know, he's probably lying. He's just being lazy and pretending that his post was eaten by monkeys. Then you'll do all the hard work for him..."


    Al Ciao the Writer: "Let's go post Geb's post for him!"


    The next Potential is...

    Amal: "Me?"

    Losien: "As a boy again. Just like when TLTE found him."

    The boy stand up but says nothing. He stares off, vacantly. He seems uninterested in everything around him.

    Amal: "What's wrong with me?"

    Soriel: "Your Potential, Amal... is not your own."

    Amal: "What?"

    Soriel: "You're an empty vessel, Amal. To be filled up by someone else. Thand, TLTE. They control you. That's your Potential. To be someone else's puppet."

    Soriel speaks with disgust and anger in his tone. He had worked with Amal for some time now, helped him grow stronger - yet his destiny was already writ? He would never be anything but what others made him.

    Orochi pokes the Potential Amal's head. The Potential moves with her finger until he almost falls over. He does nothing in retaliation.

    Orochi: "We call him the Walking Brain Dead."

    Prophet: "No we don't! Orochi might, but that's not what he's called!"


    Prophet:"Quo Anima is what he's referred to."

    The next shadow stands up, but stumbles and falls to the ground behind the jury desk.

    Everyone Else:

    Orochi: "We call this one The Loser."

    Prophet: "No we don't. He's The Nega."

    Evil G: "The Nega. As in someone's name beginning with The. Oh, I wonder who this could be..."

    Evil G says sarcastically.

    A hand appears and slams on the desk as The Nega drags himself to his feet.

    The Nega: "I'm... good...."

    He throws up on the desk, a disgusting mess of yellow and green.

    The other Potentials jump away from him.

    The Otter: "My Potential is... to be drunk? But I already achieved that!! On a daily basis!"

    Orochi: "Actually he's opposite. Like matter and anti-matter. Positive and negative. He's the opposite to you. You drink to get drunk... if he drinks, he'll get sober."

    The Otter:

    Orochi: "You sleep at night, he would sleep in the day. You eat if you're hungry, he would become hungry if he eats. It's your ideal, with even less effort. Why eat if you can drink, right Otter?"

    Prophet: "It's sad really. A little bit of effort and he could sober himself up. But, he lacks perseverance."

    The Otter looks downcast.

    Finally, another Potential stands. Couchman.

    Couchman: "I'm shocked I even have one."

    The Potential Couchman touches the desk and... the wood transforms quickly into... a couch.

    Couchman: "I have the GREATEST POTENTIAL EVER!"

    Evil G: "Let me guess, his name's Midas?"

    The Potentials stare at Evil G.

    Evil G: "What?"

    Prophet: "Fine then, we won't tell you."

    Midas: "One touch, Evil G. And you'll be an armchair."

    Evil G:

    Couchman: "I would like a new armchair in my office, actually."

    Evil G:

    Chronos, who is still in the audience, stands up and walks towards the jury couch. There does appear to be an empty spot, which she takes up.

    Chronos: "I usually don't get involved in these things. But it seems Magick Snowflakes can't make it for jury duty. So I'll take her place."

    Losien becomes nervous. She isn't sure about her new daughter's motives and certainly doesn't understand her.

    Finally the second to last stands up.

    Rachel Pi: "FATHER!?"

    Evil G: "Don't tell me, he's Rachel's Potential?"

    Rachel Pi: "I don't have a Potential. I'm too awesome."

    Emperor Pi: "Alright. Settle down. Evil G, it strikes me that you could use some tea to help calm yourself. So much explosive energy."

    Evil G: "No thanks, Old Man."

    Subaru: "So whose Potential are you?"

    Emperor Pi: "My own. As in... I am my Potential."

    "I'm actually not surprised at all."

    Emperor Pi: "I'm pretty old now, you know? I achieved my Potential a long time ago. Technically you may also call me the Jade Emperor."

    Soriel: "As in the... Chinese God?"

    Emperor Pi: "I wouldn't say that, but I believe many would."

    Subaru: "We've been sipping tea with a god... actually we're usually watching Ares driving around in stupid cars so I guess it's not so strange..."

    Emperor Pi: "Sorry about earlier. The theatrics of leaving. I actually just sneaked around the back of the building. Long Xiang is waiting outside for me. It was part of my invitation, to keep myself in darkness until the last moment."

    Rachel Pi: "Father, it's lucky I didn't tell them all that before now. I've known for a long time."

    Emperor Pi:
    "Ah, but no one here ever seems to ask too many personal questions, am I right?"

    Most of the more empathic Characters look uncomfortable. Evil G just shrugs.

    Gwenhwyfar: "We're ready."

    Couchman mentally counts. He reaches just eleven, then spies one of the Potentials still looming in shadow at the back.

    Couchman: "I guess they do love their melodrama, don't they?"

    Godly Jim: "Finally. Get on with it."

    Gwenhwyfar:"Not guilty."

    "Not guilty."

    Prophet: "Not guilty."

    Nyktelios: "...zzz..."

    Venedite blows some of her dream powder into Nyktelios' face. Instantly she wakes up in a hot flush.

    Venedite grins.

    Nyktelios: "Not... guilty..."

    Venedite: "Not guilty."



    There is a long pause.

    Venedite: "Orator... it's you!"

    Oh right yeah.

    Not guilty.

    The is another pause, though this time it is not my fault! Quo Anima stands there, staring into space.

    Venedite sighs.

    Venedite: "He says not guilty."

    Godly Jim: "Not sure if that' allowed, but sod it. I want to go home."

    The Nega: "Uh... my turn, right?"

    He falls off the jury couch.

    Orochi: "Just say not guilty, dipstick!"

    The Nega: "Not..."

    He belches.

    The Nega: "...guilty..."

    Midas: "Not guilty."

    Chronos stares at her mother with a straight face. Losien feels tears encroaching.

    Suddenly her daughters face cracks a smile and she speaks warmly.

    Chronos: "Of course she's not guilty."

    Losien laughs nervously, filled with a sense of accomplishment. The jury seems to be in her favour, yet for Losien personally it would have made all the difference to be condemned by her own child.

    Emperor Pi: "Not guilty."

    The last Potential... stands.

    Arkng Thand: "Guilty."

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