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Thread: The Never-ending Story Thread²

  1. #1801
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow The Golden Armchair

    Currently on... The Never-ending Stooooooooory!

    The NeS Heroes accidentally unleashed a great and powerful Powergamer, who now goes by the name Highempress, from an alternate dimension. To deal with this terrible foe the Heroes the unleashed their own Potentials! Yet those Potentials seem to have agendas of their own...

    One Potential seems to have joined them, for now, yet others remain across the world with their own plans and schemes. And yet the ever-looming menace of the Ever-ending Plot encroaches with each passing post as we draw upon Page 50!

    NeS Heroes;

    Losien Simon
    Losien is the Main Character of the NeS and has a strong-mind and strong-will, yet she constantly feels unworthy of her mantle and her leadership of the group is often called into question - forcing her to act on her own when others don't agree with her choices. Her façade of bravery may be a mask to hide her true cowardice running towards death to escape dealing with the problems of her life. She wields Fred, Teh Uber Blade and wears Carlotta the Cape - both of which are sentient and able to communicate with Losien through her mind. She has also been somewhat detached from her soul, which is often either trailing behind her or leading her forward through the narrative. Her Potential is Gwenhwyfar.

    Al Ciao
    Al Ciao is often the goofy comic-relief for the NeS Heroes, yet he has the darkest and most elaborate history as Highemperor. Although most characters see Al Ciao as a goofball, he is also father to Iriana Emp, Lucy, an alien-thingy and the incoming child of his wife (Lady LightSide). However he also died sometime ago and was brought back to life in his new cyborg body by Mecha Lou. Now with his mechanoid body he is able to perform an array of awesome cyborg techniques and attacks. Mostly Al Ciao is trying to keep his "family" together, make amends with his daughter and wait for the day his wife gives birth. His Potential was killed by Antestarr many Story Arcs ago.

    Evil G
    Evil G, who is sometimes known as Gebiyl, is an alternate dimension version of Gebohq Simon where he was a major Powerplayer of the NeShattered. However his cruel heart melted when he fell in love, and married, Young. He had to escape the confines of his own universe to escape the Ever-ending Plot which consumed it. He joined the NeS Heroes to be close to his wife, Young, and help raise his child, Chance. He is generally the anti-hero of the NeS Heroes and often has darker methods of dealing with situations than others would like. He also finds most of the NeS Heroes incredibly annoying as he's often smarter and, in some ways, more sensible then the rest. Yet he enjoys winding them all up with insults and sarcasm to entertain himself. Despite all of this, he is one of the few that is truly aware of what is to come. He carries his own NeShattered NeSword. His own Potential was killed many Story Arcs ago.

    Lady LightSide
    Lady LightSide is the aftermath of DarkSide being warped and twisted by the events of Memory Lane. Ultimately all evil was expelled from her and she is trapped in the body of a woman after getting pregnant with Al Ciao's child. She is unable to transform into any other form, however once she gives birth it is speculated that she will instantly turn into DarkSide once again. The eventual return of DarkSide is something the NeS Heroes dread, not just because DarkSide would be one more incredible enemy to defeat but because they would lose their friend and ally, LightSide. She is often a reasonable voice and is definitely a controlling influence upon Al Ciao, encouraging him in positive ways and keeping his idiocy in check.

    Tracer was a Man of Mystery and wandered around in his own detective novel. A mixture of Dick Tracy, James Bond and Neo from The Matrix, Tracer was often an ominous presence in the NeS Heroes' shadow, or a goofy loony bin narrating himself. However when he stepped through a shattered dimensional portal he shattered himself into pieces - pieces of Tracer from across the multiverse. Now Tracer is irregularly transitioning between different versions of Tracer from across the Multiverse, ranging from Sherlock-Tracer to Child-Tracer. MZZT believes that Tracer will be lost the longer he remains a part of this "ShatteredTracer" as the dimensional timelines diverge. Tracer's Potential is The Orator.

    Amal is the adoptive nephew of Arkng Thand and then his care-taker switched to TLTE. Amal, however, went through a sudden growth spurt and is now a young man and potentially the future Main Character of the NeS. He is an eager learner and often understands more of the situation than most would believe, especially after learning much from Soriel. He is quite the heroic type, but does have a much darker streak that he likely learnt from TLTE. A hero that will do what he must. Amal wields a copy of the NeSword, given to him by Gebohq Simon. Amal's Potential is Quo Anima.

    Rachel Pi
    Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the potential of April Fools' Day. Rachel is now pregnant with Gebohq's child, but seems somewhat conflicted on the issue as her and Geb'q relationship has been rather bumpy recently. Her father, Emperor Pi, is also hanging around after it was revealed that he had long ago evolved into his Potential. Rachel herself has been revealed to be her own Potential.

    Gebohq Simon
    Once the Main Character of the NeS, he gave that role over to his sister, Losien Simon. Since then he's spent a great amount of time patching up his relationship with the love of his life, Rachel Pi, and now he is an expectant father. However Rachel doesn't seem so thrilled by the prospect. Despite being incredibly inept and dumb at the best of times, many of the newer heroes often look to Gebohq as a source of experience. He is usually air-headed, verging on being unaware of happenings around him, but essentially has a strange amount of luck that often works in his favour. He wields the original NeSword and his Potential was killed by Antestarr long ago.

    Iriana Emp
    Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. She has recently become reacquainted with her father, Al Ciao, and they have many issues that they need to work out. His arrival has caused Iriana to doubt herself and long to understand who she truly is, particularly now that she is no longer involved with Couchman. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea. Her Potential is Nyktelios.

    Once a regular member of the NeS Heroes, The Mega ZZTer, often called MZZT for short, now serves to simply aid them with his technological prowess. He does this mainly by maintaining his inventions in their old Hall of Heroes within the ruins of Big Ben. He's currently with Losien and the others who are in the old Hall of Heroes.

    Miss Fire
    A long-time NeS Hero, Miss Fire was fatally wounded during a fight in a previous Story Arc and thus put into a stasis chamber that would keep her in state. When the Haunted Hall of Heroes was burnt down by the NeSferatu, the NeS Heroes had to save her pod from destruction. Finally she has been revived by Mecha Lou, a techno-witch, who gave her a cybernetic heart to help her live. The new heart runs on the mains and she must recharge from a power outlet when her energy runs low. She can supercharge herself to give herself a major adrenaline rush.

    The Last True Evil, or TLTE, was once the greatest villain to the NeS, but the ex-Soviet super-spy seemed to have turned over a new leaf when he fell in love with Losien Simon. While the true evil within TLTE remains a constant struggle, he uses his love and respect for various characters, particularly Losien and his adopted charge Amal, to keep himself in check. He is currently challenged in his relationship with Losien since she became the main character for the NeS and experienced a 'dark side' during the previous story arc where she cheated on him. Though Losien seemed to not be herself at the time, TLTE's emotions on the subject have yet to be settled through conversation as Losien avoids the issue. Arkng Thand is convinced that TLTE will once again embrace his evil ways and become the greatest threat to the NeS' continued existence. He was, however, frozen in carbonite by Polly Simon, and only recently has been released. Baba Yaga also revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes that he loves Losien - he does not truly. Polly has apparently been granted a wish so that Losien will stop loving TLTE. It should be noted that his Potential is dead, killed by his own hands.
    NeS Heroes: In the Future

    Two NeS Heroes have gone to the future to discover that Chronos (daughter of Losien) is imprisoned in the TEA, despite being head of the TEA herself. They travel through time to rescue her, but are taken to her captors who are revealed to be none other than Galvatron, The Very Last True Evil, Ahnuld & Highemperor. They claim they have her in jail for good reason...

    Frank Smith
    The Time Cop from the future was sent back in time to deal with a series of time anomalies that led him to the character Apple of the NeS Heroes. However Apple would later turn out to be Chronos in the future, and head of the Time Enforcement Agency (TEA). Turns out she sent him back in time to purposefully lead to her own existence and, probably, to eventually save herself from her own mistakes. Frank is a confident, hero-type but he tends to get himself into a lot of trouble due to his over-confidence. He is also likely experiencing a mid-life crisis and had a dalliance with a much younger man. Frank has a watch that allows him to open a time vortex and transport himself, and anyone touching him, through time and space. The watch's A.I. is called CynthAI Mk XIV, however a second A.I. has also been installed into the watch known as CaptAIn and is, in fact, the personality of Captain Cadpill. Frank killed his own Potential to save Losien Simon and the others from a Potential attack.

    Subaru Yamamoto
    Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she felt, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Yet she accepted him still until he eventually turned her away and left the NeS Heroes to start turning people into NeSferatu and forming an army - along with Nyneve, the woman that turned him. Subaru is feeling emotionally fragile and hurt. She knows that Antestarr wants to turn Subaru into a NeSferatu, but she does not want to become like him. Although fragile, she is still head-headed, over-confident and brash on all other things. Her Potential is Orochi.
    NeS Heroes: Accompanying the Heroes

    Polly Simon
    Sometimes known as "Geb's Mom" or "Los' Mom", Polly Simon recently mingled with the NeS Heroes because she wants her daughter, Losien, to rise up and become the Queen of Jupiter. This would, however, mean she'd be frozen in carbonite for 500 years. Polly used a wish from Baba Yaga to grant her eternal youth and now appears the same age as her own daughter. When Losien refused, Polly tried to force Apple to take the throne instead, Losien's daughter, however Apple has since become Chronos and beyond such things - leaving Polly with only Losien as an option again. Polly succeeded in having Baba grant one last wish - a wish that Losien would stop loving TLTE. Baba Yaga revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes he loves Losien, it is not true love. Polly does not seem to have a Potential, possibly due to her use of Baba Yaga's wish.

    Emperor Pi (Potential)
    The secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much. He cares a great deal for his daughter and his recent involvement in the NeS has largely been focused on trying to keep her safe and support her through her romantic troubles with her lover, Gebohq. He has also proven to be quite enigmatic in his approach towards characters that are not his daughter, especially Al Ciao and Britt. He long ago achieved his Potential, as the Jade Emperor of China.

    Gwenhwyfar (Potential)
    Potential of Losien Simon, she is the embodiment of 'heart' or 'soul' of a hero. Gwenhwyfar was the leader of the Potentials upon their arrival in the NeS, in particular Orochi was devout. However the other Potentials were defeated and went onto other plans, while Gwenhwyfar seems to have had a change of heart about killing Losien and, in fact, saved her life. Why Gwen changed her mind is still a mystery and while the NeS Heroes are happy to accept her, instantly, as a "good guy", Gwen herself seems less that certain of her role.

    "Demon Baby" Chance is the son of Evil G and Young. He was kidnapped by Morthrandur and taken to the Cult of X, but he was rescued by TLTE who brought him back to the NeS Heroes in London. His mother, Young, still awaits her son's return, but she is in France with the NeSferatu. The baby has displayed comic, if disturbing, moments of 'demonic possession', often aimed at NPCs, especially ghosts of the HHH.
    Other Major Characters: The Cult of X

    Out in the Sahara Desert (the part not under a lake) is a mysterious obelisk which denotes the presence of The Cult of X's underground den. TLTE rescued Chance from the Cult and fled to meet his fellow heroes, but Antestarr was not so lucky. He was sacrificed by Suzy X, the cult leader, who wanted to encourage "X", or "Plot", to arrive. However Antestarr did not die straight away, kept alive by the soul of Britt - who Antestarr had earlier murdered. Britt lived on through his 'tea blood' that was still in Antestarr. Britt possessed Antestarr but needed a new body. He took one of the cloned bodies of the cult leader, releasing Antestarr.

    Antestarr, long since a "tech guy" for the heroes of the NeS, overused one of his inventions not long ago, which led to his body's decay. On the brink of death, an old flame unexpectedly arrived and saved his life by turning him into, like her, a NeSferatu (a kind of vampire who prefer the blood of major characters making hard choices). While he now shares an unusual connection to Nyneve and a bond that can never be broken, he doesn't love her. Antestarr has a solid, clear mind that is constantly at work to solve the problems before him. However he recently has developed a need for the "blood-ink" of characters, as well as melodrama and self-pity, due to his NeSferatu nature. He left the NeS Heroes to start a 'NeSferatu army', which he controls alongside Nyneve. He left, with the heroes, his lover Subaru Yamamoto who he still longs for and hopes to turn into a NeSferatu - even though she doesn't wish it. He, and his pet Houndour, arrived in the Sahara desert where he was confronted by the Cult of X and was a part of Britt's rebirth. However it was Antestarr that killed Britt to begin with. Antestarr does not seem to have a Potential, and desires to have agency in his life to protect the NeS from threats such as the Writers.

    Britt's story is currently split between the current timeline and the historical novel being read by Arkng Thand. Born a citizen of Rome, Britt bore witness to many events that would ultimately lead to the current state of the NeS. However he was murdered by Antestarr for his Blood Ink. Yet Britt also possessed Tea Blood which allowed Britt's ghost to linger on within Antestarr until he could attempt to take Antestarr's body. Realising that Antestarr was a decaying corpse, Britt had no choice but to transfer himself into a fresh new clone body of Aetas X... a woman. Now the Cult of X believe that he is the new leader of the cult - a cult created by a woman centuries ago who was obsessed with Britt himself.

    The Cult of X
    Members of the Cult of X follow the words of their Prophet, who is always a new clone of the original Aetas X. The last clone, Suzy X, was killed by Antestarr and now the cult believes that Britt, who inhabits another clone body, is the cult leader. The cult is devoted to "X", or "Plot". Originally Plot was the Plot of Britt: The Legend and all other events that existed prior to the Never-ending Story. Now the Plot has become twisted into the Ever-ending Plot, yet the Cult of X still stand to defend and worship it. The cult includes Rob X, Cygnus X and Maxim X.
    Other Major Characters: London Forces

    The Forgotten Forces have now become The Remembered Forces of London and largely serve to clean London of all traces of taint and demons that formerly inhabited the land. Although technically an independent unit, the Remembered Forces were restored as 'remembered' by Queen Maeve of the UK and so they operate within the British Isles. Their leader is Twin Suns, however within in lurks the dark presence of Kern Saladin...

    Maeve & Couchman
    Maeve, now crowned Queen of England, is often an immature and alcohol-prone lesbian. When she isn't drunk or horny, though, she helps her friend and brief fling, Losien, as well as the other NeS Heroes with her sometimes blunt and practical help. Couchman, in turn, was once a lawyer and Renaissance man who wanted nothing more than to win the heart of Iriana. However, due to a number of circumstances, Couchman has resigned to his former live and desires, now finding new purpose in acting as Queen Maeve's primary aid. Maeve's Potential is Venedite, and Couchman's Potential is Midas.

    Twin Suns & The Remembered Forces
    Twin Suns, sometimes known as The Chosen One, is the leader of the Remembered Forces, once known as the Forgotten Army. The Army includes all of the forgotten characters of the NeS, including some high profile cases such as MaybeChild, The Otter, Sran Cadpill, Arbiter and Ping. They are constantly looking for new recruits and are considered a threat to the NeS by some, while others believe that they are heroes. Having recently been established as the Remembered Forces and recognized as an official power by the English government, Twin Suns and the Forgotten Army have become more threatening than ever before.
    Other Major Characters: The French Connection

    Nyneve, who is keeping Young prisoner, arrived in Paris with her henchman, Tony, to collect his recently won lottery money. However upon arrival they witness the Eiffel Tower being transformed into a massive golden couch by the Potential, Midas, who, with Orochi, seek to prepare the world for an attack from the Eep after being warned by Frank Smith of the future.

    Nyneve & Tony
    Nyneve is the oldest remaining NeSferatu, turned centuries ago in Ireland. After living a long life, she eventually met Antestarr and they became lovers. Yet their relationship was not an ever-lasting one. That is, until he got fatally sick and was turned into a NeSferatu by Nyneve. Since then the two of them have built up an army of NeSferatu, using synthetic Blood Ink created by Mecha Lou to make them all much stronger. Nyneve tries to be more evil than she probably is at heart. She goes out of her way to provoke the NeS Heroes, but ultimately she longs to restore the glory of her past. During Britt: The Legend, she and Britt were best friends. Now she holds Young captive, hoping to lure out the NeS Heroes. Tony, a one-time and short-lived NeS Hero, was turned into a NeSferatu by Nyneve during her phase of accumulating NeSferatu henchmen. He still wears a pan on his head, but now has mild NeSferatu powers. Despite this, he's still a fairly inept henchman and is constantly being berated by Nyneve.

    Daughter of the Never-ending Story, Young has found herself captured by the NeSferatu in a plot to entice the NeS Heroes into fighting with the empowered NeSferatu. Unfortunately the NeSferatu were unable to capture Chance, Young's son, and he was taken by another, more mysterious and possibly sinister force of the NeS - Morthrandur. Although unknown by Young, Chance has been rescued by TLTE and taken to the NeS Heroes. Young herself remains Nyneve's prisoner.

    Orochi & Midas (Potentials)
    Orochi is one of the most volatile of the Potentials, quick to fight and quick to rage. Her personality is an extreme edition of her unPotential, Subaru. Orochi believes in Gwenhwyfar adamantly, though recently she has taken her own path. She was almost killed by Frank Smith, however a future version of the very same Time Cop returned to her to warn her of the impending doom of the Eep. She, and Midas, resolved to prepare against such an attack. She is dressed as a samurai warrior and wields a katana blade. Midas is far happier causing mischief and desires nothing more than to turn everything into sofas. Though committed to the cause of the Potentials, he prefers to let others lead with rare exceptions when he does have a grand idea for himself.
    Other Major Characters: The U.S.A.

    Arkng Thand has become the President of the U.S.A. and uses Thrawn42689 to do his bidding. The plot appears to be to gain control of the US citizens through use of social media. Once under his thumb, Thand likely plans to use the devoted and mindless people of America either against the Eep or against TLTE, who Thand believes is a great evil menace for the NeS. Thand is also reading through "Britt: The Legend", possibly for insight or merely curiosity due to surrounding events.

    Arkng Thand
    Once he was the guardian over both Amal and Apple, Thand has since lost both of them to the NeS Heroes. He is a former NeScholar and arguably the wisest man ever. He is mostly aloof, appearing only when he wishes and his motives are a complete mystery, even to his adoptive "children" who often follow his commands without query. Thand seems to have the NeS interests at heart but his actions are highly questionable and his schemes seem to stretch on and on. Many do not know if they should trust him or consider him to be their enemy. Thand has a particular rivalry with TLTE. Recently he has been revealed to be the President of the United States of America, running the government for some unknown agenda. He has a man named "Spin Doctor" working for him, who covers up unusual stories - including the death of Sarah Palin. He has also hatched a plot with Thrawn42689 as his instrument, where Thrawn is watching everything in the NeS by 'infecting' NPCs. Thand is currently researching the life of Britt the Bartend, a character of great significance who was consumed by Antestarr, in his ever-continuing pursuit of knowledge and for the survival of himself, humanity, and the NeS. Thand is also a Potential character, specifically of Soriel, though also of all mankind.

    Thrawn is an android created by Doctor Dormouse alongside Ahnuld. More recently Thrawn has allied himself with Arkng Thand and plots to 'infect' various NPCs (Non-Player Characters) and RAMs (Random Audience Members) - indicated by various formations of his overly long serial number. He seems particularly keen to keep tabs on both Hero Teams. He also appears to have become digitised, rather than having a robotic body - where his original body is is unknown. He is keeping the U.S.A. under his control via social media and the Internet at large.
    Other Major Characters: Timestreams

    Venedite, the Potential of Maeve, became a Hand of the NeS alongside Bhac Ssylan. Bhac secretly imprisoned Mayaal, instead of killing him, for reasons unknown. Bhac attempted to aid the super villains who were all fighting in India at the behest of Highempress - the ruler of Earth and alternate version of Iriana Emp from another dimension. They were fighting against Nyktelios, the Potential of Iriana Emp. However Chronos, an evolved Potential of Apple, arrived and consumed the timestream of all of India - along with all those present, including Bhac, Highempress, Nyktelios and all other super villains the NeS has ever known. Chronos then fell through time and appears on the pages of Britt: The Legend. Mayaal, free of Bhac's bondage, joins Venedite in investigating the situation.

    Formerly Apple of the NeS Heroes and daughter to Losien Simon, Chronos became her own Potentials after a mishap through time. She has immense power over time itself and she eventually created the Time Enforcement Agency, with herself at the head. Centuries later she sent Frank Smith back in time to investigate her past self (Apple) and eventually lead to the present - keeping timelines running smoothly. However she was then visited by her Far-Far-Far-FAR Future self who warned her not to take vengeance against High Imp, who caused so much trouble (and actually created her) when she was Apple. She ignored her future self and tried to consume the timestream of High Imp. However she accidentally consumed the timestream of all of India, including all of the super villains that were fighting there. She then fell through time and came out of the next opened plot-hole - by Adélaide Simonier and Britt in the past as reported in Britt: The Legend. When she hiccoughs, a part of the timestream that Chronos consumed will return in the future.


    Venedite (Potential)
    Other Major Characters: Misc & Remaining Potentials

    Jim Seven
    Jim Seven (written often as Jim7) was once the ruler of Hell, however he was voted in as the new ruler of Heaven. As God he joined the Battle Over London when Serapharch, a powerful angel, tried to destroy a fallen angel named Seraphim - a member of Hero Force One. Since then Jim has mostly been establishing a new heavenly domain on Earth which was, disappointingly, established in Burundi. Not long ago, Team Losien stumbled into his domain. Jim Seven did declare a Crusade against Justin Beiber and had him sent to Hell. Jim also still wants Losien and Frank to return to Burundi to help him build the greatest go-kart track in history, concerning himself little with his greater responsibilities or the events of the world as he resides in Burundi.

    The Nega
    Potential of The Otter, and possibly the most drunk person ever, he embodies the "un-Potential" that diminishes the potentials of others.

    The Orator
    Able to replace The Narrator, The Orator is Tracer's Potential, and has currently been locked away by The Narrator.

    Quo Anima
    The Potential for Amal, seeming to embody what an empty vessel would embody. Qho, however, seems to be filling with evil as he staged his own death by Amal's hands, his current wereabouts and plans unknown.

    Nyktelios is the Potential of Iriana Emp. She is a Powerplayer who may be the 'answer' to Iriana's alternate self that has currently taken over the world and has ordered the Council of Evil to do her bidding.

    We now skip across the English Channel to France. Paris, in fact. A city of vibrant culture and bakeries. An Asian woman wearing samurai armour and a tall, thin white man are staring up at the Eiffel Tower.

    Orochi: "I don't understand why we're here, Midas."

    Midas: "You said we need a way of fending off this incoming doom."

    Orochi: "Yes I did. So how does the Eiffel Tower help with this?"

    Midas: "If you want to fend off a powerful enemy, you need power over others to support you."

    Orochi: "I really don't need help from anyone else."

    Midas: "After the way that Frank Smith kicked our asses?"

    Orochi: "Hardly! I just wasn't prepared for him! That's all!"

    Midas: "Exactly what we need to avoid next time. Let's be prepared for our enemy. We need an army. A nation at our command."

    Orochi: "You know France is kind of lame in that department, right? The last time they did anything awesome in war was under Napoleon."

    Midas: "So they just need the right leader, correct? A strong and powerful personality that they can follow. Now all we need is a symbol of our wealth and power."

    Orochi: "The Eiffel Tower?"

    Midas: "Not in its current form..."

    Midas touches the metal tower and suddenly it begins to transform. It's molecules shift and alter into a new shape. The shape of... a humongous armchair. A humongous armchair made of solid gold!

    Orochi: "Wow! I didn't know you could make GOLD couches! Why haven't you done it before now!?"

    Midas: "Because then they'd be super uncomfortable!"

    Orochi: "...Right. Let's storm the Bastille! Or whatever!"


    Not far from the two Potentials, Nyneve, Young and Tony all stare up at the suddenly transformed Eiffel Armchair.

    Nyneve: "Why did we have to come to Paris, again?"

    Tony: "Collect my winnings..."

    Nyneve: "Your... winnings... seemed so... much. But now..."

    Tony: "Everything always gets ruined for me."
    Last edited by TheBritt; 11-07-2014 at 05:45 AM.

  2. #1802
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow The Next Douphan of France

    Nyneve: "Quickly, you fool! Before the news of this golden sofa gets out and the price of gold goes down! Go! Fetch!"

    Tony scurries off in the direction of the reward money for his lottery win.

    Young: "Why does he do what you say?"

    Nyneve: "Because I made him."

    "...You're his mother?"

    Nyneve: "What!? No! I just made him. Made him NeSferatu."

    "...I can understand. My birth was quite unorthodox too. I know others' ideas of what a mother is doesn't match my own. But I know my mother. I'm sure Tony knows his."

    Nyneve: "I am so ready to gag right now."

    Midas: "You know... I think we just found that strong, charismatic leader I was just talking about..."

    Orochi: "What!? I thought you were talking about me!"

    Midas: "I was... but now I think there's better."

    Orochi: "You really think I'm going to support some crummy normal human?"

    Midas: "That is no normal human. And yeah. I think we'll do what we must. Don't worry about it so such, Orochi. We'll help her out. Doesn't mean we do what she says. In fact, she'll probably end up doing what we say if she thinks it'll help her get what she wants."

    Orochi: "What does she want?"

    Midas: "Power, by the looks of it. Let's go talk to her."

    Orochi: "Yo. Woman barking the orders!"

    Nyneve: "Are you talking to me... uh... crazy, samurai girl?"

    Orochi: "Girl!?"

    Nyneve: "I'm sure you are a girl compared to me. What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?"

    Nyneve and Young continue to stand about doing nothing.

    Midas: "I think she'll do nicely..."

  3. #1803
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    In the Far-Far-Far Future - did I use the correct number of 'fars' in that description? Oh well, close enough - Subaru instantly leaps out of the way of the Very Last True Evil's gunfire and Ahnuld's lasers. Her samurai sword gleams as she deflects the blasts. Frank merely phases out.

    Galvatron: Dammit! He escaped!

    Subaru: Dammit! He left me alone to die!

    Past Version of Highemp: That shouldn't be possible, there's a transtemporal dampener in effect!

    TVLTE: You fools! He can still move about a few minutes in time, within the TEA HQ! At any moment he could--

    There is a flash, and Frank phases back into existence, albeit with sunglasses this time.

    Subaru: We're in the middle of a battle for our lives, and you took the time to get some SHADES?

    Far-Far-Far-Far Future Frank Smith: No, I'm not the Frank who just left. I'm the Frank from page 50 of this thread. I'm about to go save your Potential's life. Millions of years ago for you, seconds from now for me. The contemporaneous me will reappear any moment now, if memory serves.

    At that exact moment, two dozen Frank Smiths appear, sans sunglasses.

    Galvatron: OMG! He split his own timeline!

    Past Highemp: Exponentially increasing his combat effectiveness!

    TVTLE: Won't be enough to stop us!

    Far-Far-Far-Far Future Frank Smith: But it will be.

    Frank Smith: Eh? I don't remember saying that.

    CynthAI: Agent Smith, I calculate that there are 25 of you in this room, not 24 as planned.

    At that moment, the four erstwhile heads of TEA recover their surprise, and start trying to kill their 26 enemies.

    Ahnuld: Just kill the youngest Frank Smith, it will cancel out all the others!

    Galvatron: Wait! Where did the Smith with the shades go?

    At that moment, alarms blare, indicating the breakout of an Omega-level prisoner. Far-Far-Far-Far Future Frank Smith did that for which he came to this moment in his personal past: releasing Chronos.

    Galvatron: Buggery!
    Last edited by Al Ciao; 11-20-2014 at 01:29 PM.

  4. #1804
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Chronos Returns

    Chronos appears in the office where the 24 Frank Smiths, Subaru and the four "villains" - Galvatron, The Very Last True Evil, Anhuld and Highemperor.

    Chronos: "You have been very naughty boys..."

    The Very Last True Evil: "Crapcakes!"

    Galvatron: "Actually that sounded kinda kinky. I like where it's going..."

    "I wasn't talking to you idiots! I was talking to Agent Smith here! Where the Hell did your sunglasses go!?"

    Frank Smiths: "Back to the Future, probably."

    Subaru: "Whoa! Do you all have to speak at once like that!?"

    CynthAI: "All Agent Smiths are from within the same couple of minutes so I choice of words are all likely to be fairly synchronised."

    Subaru: "Why aren't all CynthAI's talking at once then?"

    "We are all communicating via cyberspace and we have designated me as 'the driver'."

    Frank Smiths:
    "What she said. Wait, why are we in trouble!?"

    Chronos: "You just crossed your own timeline 24 times within a single room, Agent Smith! You're supposed to uphold the laws of time, not break them!"

    Frank Smiths:
    "You told us too!"

    Chronos: "What? When!?"

    Frank Smiths: "In the Far-Far-FAR Future!"

    A single Frank Smith: "No no, it's the Far-Far-Far-FAR Future when she told us!"

    Another single Frank Smith: "Wait, it's only the Far-Far-FAR Future for Subaru, not for us! For us this must be the Far Future!"

    Yet another singular Frank Smith: "No no! It'd now be the Far-Far Future for us!"

    Subaru: "My... brain... is breaking..."

    "Mine... too..."

    Ahnuld: "My... ponies..."


    Britt the Writer: "My brain is breaking too!"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Mine also!"

    Gebohq the Writer: "My--"

    Gebohq the Writer's head explodes from time-befuddlement.

    Britt and Al Ciao the Writers are rescued from this fate by the sudden shock of Gebohq the Writer's exploding head!

    Britt the Writer:
    "Uh... I'll quickly move that conversation on before all the Frank Smiths' heads explode too!"


    Chronos: "I told you to come here?"

    Subaru: "It's true. You said we have to come back because in the past, your past, we saved you."

    Chronos: "Did I specifically tell you to break the law?"

    Frank Smiths all look down at their feet and shuffle them uneasily.

    Chronos: "I didn't think so."

    The Very Last True Evil: "But you must have known he'd do it, because you're here now. So you'd had this conversation and knew about it in the future."

    "Don't help them!"

    Chronos: "I suppose so... I guess you're off the hook, Smith. This time! Now for you buggers!"

    Galvatron: "Can't we go back to naughty boys and spanking?"

    Chronos: "Don't think I ever mentioned spanking..."

    Galvatron: "My hopes and dreams ran on ahead."

    Chronos: "I declare you to be B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S."

    Subaru: "That's a bit of an understatement."

    Frank Smiths: "That's a serious punishment."


    CynthAI: "Blighters Against Sensible Time Arrangement Routines and Deranged Snails."

    Subaru: "...what!?"

    Chronos: "It's a term used for some of the most criminal of time outlaws."

    Subaru: "Deranged Snails?"

    Chronos: "Those poor, mentally deranged snails deserve some love and attention!"

    "Or someone really wanted to call us B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S."

    Chronos: "You're going into lockup!"

    The Very Last True Evil: "Highemperor, get us out of here!"

    "But what about the trans-temporal dampener!?"

    The Very Last True Evil: "Powergame your way out!!"

    Highemperor explodes in a sudden, shocking way that conveniently renders everyone temporarily blinded. When they open their eyes, they find the four culprits have vanished.

    "They escaped."

    Chronos: "Yeah right. I redirected Highemperor's timestream so that when he powergames his way out of the TEA like that--"

    She presses a button on her desk and a monitor pops up to show the four B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S. in a time-powergaming-super-uber-proofed set of cells. Mostly they are all shouting at Highemperor, who has resigned himself to getting out a pack of cards for a long-ass poker game.

    Chronos: "Always poker with that guy. Anyway. Now that's sorted, what should I do with you t..."

    She looks at all the Franks.

    "Uh... lot."

  5. #1805
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Eighteen

    Back to the U.S.A. Arkng Thand lowers his book, Britt: The Legend, as his Spin Doctor enters the White House library.

    Spin Doctor: "Good evenin', Mr President. I have some good news to report!"

    Arkng Thand: "Very well."

    Spin Doctor: "We found Justin Beiber, alive and well, Sir!"

    Arkng Thand: "..."

    Spin Doctor: "... Sir?"

    Arkng Thand: "I'm waiting for the good news."

    Spin Doctor:
    "Sorry, Sir. I guess I wasn't very clear... Justin Beiber has been extracted from Burundy and is now singing the good praises of yourself and your government to the people. Especially young girls are now wearing "Justin <3 Thand."

    Arkng Thand: "I find that somewhat disturbing..."

    Spin Doctor:
    "Me too, Sir! I had to hold back the puke chunks when that particular image came to mind!"

    Arkng Thand: "That's also fairly disturbing. Thank you, Spin Doctor. Ensure the old scheme of 'Beiber Fever' runs rampant. I want as many Americans infected with that particular disease as possible now that he's singing for our team."

    Spin Doctor: "Should be a piece of cake. Hopefully without the puke chunks."

    Arkng Thand: "Go."

    As the Spin Doctor leaves the library, the President of the U.S.A. resumes reading.

    Britt: The Legend - Chapter Eighteen

    Adél: "I'm going to send for a doctor. In fact, I know just the man. I've heard he can make anything happen! Anything at all."

    "I'll believe that in a million years, Adél."

    Chronos groaned as she dragged herself towards the wall, crawling along the floor of Adélaide Simonier's secret workshop. When she reached the wall, she used it to pull herself to her feet.

    "I've got to stop this -- hic! --"
    In present day India a bottle cap falls from the sky and smacks the random bloke on the scrap of land, rendering him unconscious and the goat very thankful.

    Chronos: "-- hiccoughing. Oi, girl! Looks like you're a genius inventor. You wouldn't happen to have a Containment Unit, would you?"

    Britt: "A what?"

    Adél: "Actually, yes! I invented it a year ago. I thought it was for storing ghosts."

    Chronos: "Usually yes. But it can be used to store time other mystical crap too."

    Britt: "Mystical crap. Is that a technical term?"

    Chronos: "You're going to be the first ghost that Containment Unit sees if you keep up. Little girl, take me to the Containment Unit."

    Britt watched Chronos try to hobble after Adél.

    Britt: "Wouldn't it be easier if she brings it here?"

    Chronos and Adél gave Britt a cold stare before continuing on. After making their way through a maze of contraptions, Adél stopped and pointed at a large airlock.

    Britt: "It's... a hatch?"

    Adél: "That's the hatch to the Containment Unit. The Containment Unit is... well, it's another dimension beyond the hatch, I suppose."

    Britt: "I suppose that's far from the strangest thing I've ever heard. What're you going to do now, Mysterious Person from the Future?"

    Chronos: "I'm going to -- hic! --!"
    Back in the present, standing in the l33t dimension, Venedite and Mayaal - the two current hands of the NeS - watch an entire mountain springs up out of the ocean.

    Venedite: "Whoa! That was unexpected."

    "Rather a mountain than a villain. Or a super villain. Or a godly villain. Or a--"

    Venedite: "Got it. Any meanies that show up."

    Mayaal: "Meanies... quite."

    Britt: "You're going to hiccough? That seems counter-produ--"

    Chronos smacked Britt across the head for being an idiot.

    Chronos: "I'm going to force all of these timestreams into the Containment Unit. Where they'll stay until I decide otherwise."

    Britt: "Is that safe? I mean, just think of the hazardous waste you're leaving in Adél's shed."

    Chronos: "Alright, Walter Peck! I'll fix it afterwards, okay!? I just want to stop hicc-hic!"

    Another goat appears on the island.

    Goat #1:

    Translation: "Strength in numbers!!"

    Goat #2: "BLAAAAAH?"

    Translation: "What you talkin' 'bout, foo'?"

    "Ooouch... what hit me?"

    Goat #1: "BLAH!"

    Translation: "THAT!"

    Goat #2: "BLAAAAAAAAH!"

    Translation: "Good Gods, no!"

    Chronos: "Bugger it! Here we go."

    She opened the airlock and shoved her hand inside. There's a tremendous glow from the airlock and wind whips at the three of them as they stood there. Chronos winced, clearly going through some pain. Britt and Adél quickly grew worried that the machine was going to explode.

    Britt reached out and grabbed Chronos.

    Britt: "You have to stop! It's going to blow up!"

    Chronos: "I can do it! I can d--!"


    Adélaide Simonier opened her eyes. She had been flung back by the explosion and lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling where her prototype B52 Bomber hung. Fortunately her parents were used to hearing ominous explosions through the years and weren't likely to come running. Instead they'd ask casually over supper later in the evening.

    Adél: "Grandfather, that woman--"

    Adél sat, staring at the Containment Unit. They were both gone.

    Adél: "There goes all my reference materials, past and present. So sad... but... wait... suddenly I... I think I know what those earmuffs are for!!"

    Adélaide ran across her workshop in a frantic hurry, throwing old machines aside until she uncovered a technological-looking pair of earmuffs. She put them on her head, tapped a button and waited. And waited. A small antennae began to twirl around as it searched time and space for a signal.

    Chronos: "Girl?"

    "Yes! Yes it's me! Wow! I just remembered what these things were for! What a strange coincidence!"

    "Not exactly a coincidence."

    She then heard Britt's voice, sounding like he was a few metres away from Chronos.

    "You can't just alter my great-great-great... great, whatever, granddaughter's time line like that! You can't just fill her head with new stuff like... like..."

    Chronos: "Relax! It was already done! How do you think she invented all that crap to begin with!?"

    "Well... why didn't you just get her to design the one contraption you needed? Instead she made all kinds of weird stuff!"

    Chronos: "Because I didn't have the patience to be picky about what inventions she could and couldn't have prior knowledge to! So they'll just arrive to her randomly across time. We're lucky she'd actually made that trans-temporal communicator before now."

    Adél: "So you somehow changed my timestream so that I would pick up crazy ideas for inventing strange machines from the future that I barely understand?"

    Chronos: "Exactly."

    Adél: "While I appreciate that... you know they nearly had me committed when I was young!? I kept babbling on about Nokia phones, DVDs and I kept trying to make people play Nintendo Wii! They called me perverse after that one."

    Chronos: "I can imagine why. Listen, Girl, we've been thrown through time and space. The Containment Unit you invented was supposed to extract the timestreams from me, but it seems the inverse has happened."

    Adél: "What do you mean?"

    Zip-pan to the location of Chronos and Britt, elsewhere in time and space.

    Chronos: "I mean we've been pushed into the timestream of one of those I consumed..."

    Britt: "So where are we?"

    Adél's voice echoed inside Chronos' head, unheard by Britt.

    Adél: "And when are you?"

  6. #1806
    In the set of inescapable prison cells, Highemperor continues setting up his poker game as the yelling continues from Galvatron, Ahnuld, and The Very Last True Evil.

    Ahnuld: "I thought you said you were the most powerful powerplayer there ever was!"

    Galvatron: "And yet here we are, inside the "powerplayer-proof" prison cells. You'd think it'd be a powerplayer's bread and butter to ignore anything claiming to be inescapable. How do you expect us to believe a word you say?"

    The Very Last True Evil: "Nevermind that -- how do you expect to play poker in a cell by yourself, Highemperor?"

    Highemperor: "I don't."

    Ahnuld, Galv, TVLTE: "What?"

    Highemperor sighs as he puts down his cards.

    Highemperor: "Ever since my Potential died, my life has been very different. Or rather, the man known now as Al Ciao's life has been very different."

    He idly twirls the king of hearts card in his hand.

    Highemperor: "He and I were once the same person. Powerful and passionate."

    The card falls from his hand, and in its place, the king of diamonds and the two of hearts show.

    Highemperor: "Then the Potential died. Al Ciao holds what passion was left, and I hold what power was left."

    He drops the two cards carelessly on the floor.

    Highemperor: "I don't expect to play poker with anyone. I don't expect anyone to believe me. I really don't expect anything, because I don't care. I have a habit of doing whatever might involve some show of power, and right now, I'm not even in the mood to feed my fix."

    Highemperor stares listlessly at the wall.

    Galvatron: "Did you even have a grudge against Frank Smith?"

    A dead moment passes. Highemperor shrugs.

    Highemperor: "I think a time cop may have given Soriel and I a ticket while adventuring through time and space."

    The Very Last True Evil: "You don't even know if it was him? Frank Smith threw me in this very cell for my failed point-and-click plot."

    Ahnuld: "He arrested me for traveling back in time to assassinate Gebohq at least eight times."

    Galvatron: "And he arrested me for a harmless time-spanning Ponzi scheme, forcing me to sell my summer home on Drazen Isle, but that's not important! We all agreed that he was to never free Chronos. What she does on page 50 affects us all far more..."

    The four stare at each other.

    Highemperor: "Time for a nap then."

    Galvatron: "What? No! That's not what we should do at all!"

    The Very Last True Evil: "A nap sounds really good when you're as old as me."

    Galvatron: "You too?"

    Ahnuld: "SIESTA!"

    Galvatron: "You're a robot! You don't need naps!"

    The other three are already fast asleep.

    Galvatron: "Why do I even bother?"
    Last edited by Gebohq; 11-15-2014 at 02:05 AM.

  7. #1807
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    In Big Ben, Iriana turns from going to the stairwell with young Tracer as she sees (through the shattered clock face) her father stumbling out of the wrecked gondola.

    Iriana: Dad!

    She then starts practically dragging young Tracer down the stairs as she hurries to go to him - she is still maintaining a dainty princess-like stride, of course.

    Tracer: Wait! You're going too fast! I can't count the steps!

    Lady Lightside: Wait for me, Iriana!

    Despite her words, the heavily pregnant woman eyes all the steps dubiously.

    MZZT: Go on, Lightside. I've got a handy-dandy device that will help you go down easily and quickly.

    Lady Lightside: And safely, I hope...

    As she steps onto the stairs, MZZT throws a switch, and instantly, the stairwell turns into a slide! Lady Lightside yelps as she slides down. Iriana and Tracer are even less prepared, falling on their butts as they slide. Tracer yells with excitement, while Iriana shrieks bloody murder.

    Iriana: BLOODY MURDER!

    Erm, not quite what I meant, but it will suffice, I suppose...

  8. #1808
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Nineteen

    Britt: The Legend - Chapter Nineteen

    Soldier: "Capture them!"

    "Uh, does he mean us?"

    Chronos: "Want to stay and find out?"

    Britt and Chronos began to flee through the woodland, hopping over fallen trees and diving under low-hanging branches. Or at least Chronos did, Britt tripped over ever log and cracked his face into every branch.

    Chronos: "Over here!"

    The two of them dove into a large hole within the roots of an ancient tree. Huddled inside, they peek through the foliage growing at the base of the tree.

    A group of soldiers appeared, wearing Ye Olde armour and wielding short swords. They slowed to a stop and peered around, trying to seek out any hidden dangers in the woodland.

    Soldier: "Looks like they scarped. It's safe to approach, my King!"

    King John: "Good good! I could see that gleam in the bugger's eye! Robin Hood must be brought to justice!"

    Chronos mumbled to herself;

    Chronos: "Of all the Characters' timestreams... it had to be his."

    King John sneezed.

    Soldier: "Uh oh... someone must be talking about you, Sire."

    King John: "What? Because I sneezed? Damn, my ears itch like buggery!"

    Soldier: "Wow. Definitely, Sire. Probably speaking bad, and all."

    King John: "What!? How dare they! The blighters! Out with you! Where are you!?"

    Britt: "Crapcakes."

    Within minutes Britt and Chronos were captured and put under guard. After being told how terrible they were for trying to steal King John's money, they were escorted towards the local castle. As they tramped through the cold, the dark sky opened up and snow began to gently descend upon the land. While most of the soldiers seemed enthralled by the beauty of it, King John grumbled that his expensive clothes were going to be ruined.

    By the time they reached the castle, even the soldiers were complaining about the snow that seeped into their clothes and Chronos' long, heavy cloak was slowing her down.

    "While I get to freeze my bollocks off in my minimalistic clothing."

    Chronos: "Teach you for wandering around half-naked."

    King John: "Welcome to... Camelot!"

    Britt: "Whoa! Seriously!?"

    King John: "Don't be daft! I was just jesting. Burnt Camelot down to the ground years ago. At least I think it was Camelot. It had a round table in it anyway. Can't have anything so... socialist in my country."

    Britt: "So what castle is this?"

    King John: "Castle Desmond."

    Britt and Chronos turned as the owner of Castle Desmond stalked into the room.

    Britt: "The Commander..."

    Count Desmond: "My King, I see you have brought guests."

    King John: "Thought they were Robin Hood and one of his sorry men. Instead, a couple of trespassers after my gold."

    Count Desmond: "In Ireland?"

    King John:
    "You don't know the lengths that green-clad sod will go to!"

    Count Desmond: "You wish for me to have them locked up?"

    King John: "No need! Feed them to your dogs! You have dogs, right?"

    Count Desmond:
    "Dogs... you could say that. Either way, something can feed on them."

    King John: "Good to know, Count Desmond. I'll leave them in your capable hands."

    Count Desmond: "Chain them outside. One of my pets will take care of them."

    The soldiers dragged the two captives to the rear of the castle. Snow now coated the cobbled stones of the courtyard and the leafless trees that marched in lines around the garden. The soldiers, knowing better, decided not to stick around after tying Britt and Chronos to a pillar.

    Chronos: "Always leave captives unattended. Perfect time for us to escape!"

    Adél's voice resounded in Chronos' head.

    Adél: "I can't believe you actually travelled through time..."

    Chronos: "Time-travelling is what I do."

    Britt: "What year is it anyway? I can't actually tell if this is the future or not."

    Chronos: "Actually, it's the past. Currently it's around 1200AD."

    Britt: "Well, considering when I was born, that's still the future for me."

    Adél: "I think anyone would find your timeline incredibly confusing, grandfather."

    Chronos: "He can't hear you, Adél."

    Britt: "Tell Adél I said hi, by the way."

    Chronos: "Do I look like a messaging service?"

    Britt: "Frankly I'm not sure what you're supposed to look like at all."

    Nyneve: "You came back..."

    Britt: "Nyn...eve...?"

    Britt's oldest and truest friend emerged from the shadows. She wore a long green dress with a fur-lined cloak hung over her shoulders. Her dark was extra-curled, but poked out from beneath a pillbox hat and headscarf typical for the period. Her dark eyes stared at Britt with some amazement.

    Nyneve: "I never thought I'd see you again. I... can't believe you're still alive..."

    Britt: "I would say likewise, but I suppose "alive" would be a subjective term..."

    Nyneve: "You left me."

    Britt: "I-... I didn't. I tried to help but..."

    "I'm glad you did. Now I'm... so much more than I was."

    Britt: "You're like The Commander now. Like... death..."

    Nyneve: "I am death."

    She placed her cold fingers against Britt's warm cheek. It was a strange sensation for Britt to speak with her again after so much time had elapsed between them. Yet she didn't seem like the Nyneve he once knew. She was different. Very different. And that was hidden within her eyes.

    Britt: "Where's the pet the Commander spoke of?"

    Nyneve: "He means me. And my brothers..."

    Several male NeSferatu stepped out of the shadows simultaneously. They gathered behind Nyneve in a dramatic semi-circle.

    Adél: "I noticed your sneezing has gone away, Chronos!"

    Chronos: "Now is not the time, Girl."

    Nyneve: "My dear Britt, your new girlfriend seems to have lost the plot."

    Britt: "I don't think she ever had it."

    Chronos: "You watch your mouth, Britt. And I am not his girlfriend."

    Nyneve: "So you're currently available, Britt?"

    Britt: "Available for dinner? Or available for dinner?"

    Nyneve: "I'd much prefer the first. Imagine it. You could live forever with me."

    Britt: "Actually I'm already forced to live forever..."

    Nyneve: "Uh... well I guess that takes away most of the allure of being a NeSferatu, doesn't it?"

    Britt: "I reckon so."

    "Well, then at least we'll be able to enjoy a final meal together, won't we?"

    Britt: "Seems like you'd enjoy the menu more than me... Chronos, can't you do something?"

    Chronos: "Like what?"

    Britt: "Like use your time powers to get us out of here?"

    Chronos: "We're trapped within King John's timestream. I can't just zip us through time or space like usual."

    Nyneve: "Time powers?"

    Chronos: "You and your big mouth."

    "Sorry, I don't know any coded phrases for 'time travelling powers'!"

    Nyneve: "Brothers. One of you fetch our father... he may find this interesting..."

    One of the NeSferatu brothers dashed into the house at such a speed that Britt couldn't catch sight of him.

    Chronos: "Okay. What I can do is kind of strange to get your head round but... pop!"

    The ropes that had bound them were suddenly lying the snow. Britt didn't see or feel them fall, they just relocated within a jolting second.

    Britt: "Uh... you have l33t escape-artist skills?"

    Chronos: "I altered time so the ropes were never actually tied. So now those ropes are on the ground and we were never tied."

    "Brain... death..."

    "Don't let them escape."

    Chronos: "I don't plan to escape... yet."

    The black cloak slipped from Chronos' body and for a tantalising moment Britt swore he got to see beautiful, naked skin. But just as instantly, it was gone and Chronos disappeared. Britt and the NeSferatu stand, dumbfounded, until a moment later the NeSferatu brothers were being beaten up... by thin air.

    Nyneve: "She's invisible! Find a net or something! Get h--ACK!"

    Nyneve fell flat on her back.

    Britt: "Don't hurt her!"

    Chronos: "Idiot."

    Chronos' voice came from a location close to Britt moments before he felt himself being dragged away from castle Desmond.

    Adél: "Ah... appears my friend is here."

    Chronos: "I don't need to know about your tea parties."


    Back to the future!

    Adélaide Simonier greeted her friend with a warm hug.

    Adél: "Thanks for coming, Lorenzo."

    Lorenzo Prime: "Happy to help, Adél. Our families have long been tied together by your ancestor. In your message, it said he'd returned. Where is he?"

    Adél: "Well..."
    Thrawn42689: "It is complete."

    Arkng Thand rose, walks over to a cabinet and picks up his new Galaxy smartphone.

    Arkng Thand: "Because Android is what all the cool kids use these days."

    He fiddles with the screen until he found his new audio book. Britt: The Legend - installed. Now he can listen to the book wherever he goes without confining himself to the library.

  9. #1809
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Iriana: Dad!

    She hurries from Big Ben to the crashed gondola, where her father Al Ciao is picking himself up from the wreckage. Emperor Pi merely arches his eyebrow as he sips his tea. Tracer is all but being dragged behind the princess, and Lady Lightside is waddling in their wake.

    Al Ciao: Iriana! I got you your tea! Oppo! Where is it?

    The ghost, Oppo the Mental, tethered to Al now, points helpfully to the basket of tea leaves which is miraculously upright and still full.

    Tracer: A ghost! Way cool!

    Al Ciao: Aren't there ghosts clogging up Big Ben now that the HHoH was burned to a crisp?

    Lady Lightside: Yes, but none of them have the disconcerting habit that your new companion appears to have.

    Oppo is currently chewing intangibly on one of Lady Lightside's toes. Al is instantly concerned as he realizes his wife is there.

    Al: Darling! You shouldn't be out and about in your condition.

    Lady Lightside: I'm pregnant, not an invalid. I'm also an super-powerful spiritual force, so it's not like I'm in any danger.

    Emperor Pi: Well said, my dear. Also, I'm sure my daughter would hasten to point out that pregnant women are never harmed in any but the darkest of stories.

    Iriana: Are you okay, Dad?

    She is brushing debris off him and dabbing a cloth concernedly at his bruises, while he hugs her and his wife.

    Al: I'm fine.

    Lady Lightside can tell there's something he's not saying, however.

    Lady Lightside: What is it, Al? What aren't you telling us?

    Al: *sigh* Other than the story of how I got an insane tea-sniffing toe-munching ghost tethered to me permanently by accident? Mia found me. She's given birth.

    He does look proud at this, in the midst of being subdued.

    Iriana: I have a brother? Or sister, maybe? Wow, that's wonderful!

    Lady Lightside: Congratulations, dear. But... where are they?

    Al: Mia took Lucy away, after emptying the family treasury for this month's child support.

    Arbiter: Bah! I am not interested in the soap-operatic affairs of you sorry lot. It is time for me to continue bashing this strumpet's head in!

    Gwenhyfar: For all your power, you're a bit dense. We were frozen in stasis, while their scene played out. Common trope in poorly written posts like this one. Also, you seem to have forgotten that now there is no longer a gondola overhead blocking my lightning strikes.

    Arbiter blanches, and thunder croaks. Just as before, however, nothing apparently happens...

    ...until a flock of flash-fried geese drop atop them.

  10. #1810
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty

    Still in the White House, U.S.A., President Arkng Thand puts the neon yellow headphones into his ears and presses 'play' on his Android device. Music instantly blurs into his ears.

    Phone: "They see me rollin', they hatin'!"

    President Thand: "Wrong track..."

    He skips through a few tracks until he finally finds the audio recordings for Britt: The Legend;

    Britt: The Legend - Chapter Twenty

    Adélaide Simonier stroked her imaginary beard as she contemplated the situation. Her immortal ancestor, Britt, had been transported into the past with a time-traveller from the distant future and was now facing a hoard of NeSferatu led by Britt's one-time best friend...

    Lorenzo Prime: "Sounds like a bad Greek tragedy."

    Adélaide Simonier: "You're supposed to be helping me, Lorenzo."

    Lorenzo Prime: "Not a lot I can do, Adél. I don't think even Minerva's gift can conjure up... what? A time-portal?"

    Adélaide's eyes popped with hopeful expectantion. Lorenzo stared back, blankly. Eventually Adélaide pouted and turned her back to him, resuming her thought-process.


    Britt: "Okay, I think we lost them, you can chill your beans."

    Chronos: "I'll chill your beans in a minute! I haven't been so... without my full powers since... well... a long bloody time ago. Stupid time-lock."

    Britt: "Lost in time jargon. Got it. How do we get out of here?"

    Chronos: "Break the time-lock."

    Britt: "How do we do that?"

    Chronos: "No idea. I guess time just needs some kind of... jolt. Like starting a car battery."

    Britt: "What's a car?"

    Chronos: "Like... a carriage, with no horses."

    Britt: "So... what do they use?"

    Chronos: "I just told you, a battery."

    Britt: "... is that some kind of cow?"

    Chronos: "Maybe I can just leave you here."

    Britt: "So... mean..."

    Chronos: "You ain't seen nothing yet."

    Britt: "Where did you get that cloak, by the way? I could have sworn you stripped naked a minute ago."

    Chronos: "I used a bit of the time-wielding that I still have to have to snatch it before we left. It's not like we're basking in the sun here."

    Suddenly there was a flurry of movement and Chronos is hurled to the snow by a NeSferatu brother. They scrabbled about in the snow while Britt cheered Chronos on.

    Suddenly the NeSferatu sat up straight holding nothing but a cloak. Britt silently begged the gods to bless him with invisible-vision. Alas, that wish never came to pass as the gods were probably reserving that power for themselves. However this NeSferatu was no idiot. He spotted Chronos' appearing footprints in the snow and dove at the invisible woman. Britt wished he was the NeSferatu right about now, hands all over that beautiful nak-- SNAP! The NeSferatu's neck lolled to one side and Britt instantly recanted his previous wish.

    Yet it was then Britt who was thrown to the ground in a spray of white, wet snow. He opened his eyes to see Nyneve staring down at him with gleeful, hungry eyes. In a moment of panic Britt unleashed his ultimate power!! Tea.

    Nyneve was flung through the air by a powerful jetstream of hot tea that slammed her unceremoniously into a tree. She slumped down from the tree in an unconscious lump.

    Chronos: "Actually, I'm kind of impressed."

    Britt: "Yeah? Tasseomancy rocks."

    Chronos: "Yeah. Really heats the air up. I'm freakin' freezing cold."

    Britt: "...oh... you're welcome..."

    Chronos: "Let's keep moving."

    The two of them traipsed through the snow-laden landscape, avoiding the roads that connected any town to Castle Desmond. They eventually hitched a ride on a cart, paid for with free tea, and managed to reach a small Irish city called Cork. After some further tea-related bartering, Britt managed to wrangle a room for the night at a local, though shady, inn. They went upstairs to their designated to room to find half of the floorboards were missing, revealing a storeroom downstairs, the windows were boarded up (which Britt discovered were the boards from the floor), the chamber pot was cracked and the single bed had just one thin sheet for warmth through the night.

    Britt: "This is lovely."

    Chronos: "Sometimes your sarcasm really sounds like genuine enthusiasm."

    Britt jumped onto the bed.

    Britt: "I am knackered. Definitely time for some sleep."

    Chronos stood for a long moment before eventually resigning herself to this unwelcome fate and climbed into the bed with him.

    Chronos: "Stop cuddling me."

    Britt: "It's a single bed, there's nowhere else for me to go!"

    After a lot of arguing and fighting they eventually drifted off to sleep. However, as expected, that sleep didn't last long as Britt's sleep was interrupted. He was dragged from the bed, kicking and squealing, while Chronos was quickly rendered unconscious by a brutal beating.

    Nyneve, who was holding Britt with her incredible NeSferatu strength, leant close to whisper to him.

    Nyneve: "I knew she was your girlfriend."

    Britt: "Don't you think there're more pressing issues than who I'm dating? I hope you didn't come all this way just to complain about that?"

    Count Desmond: "No we did not."

    Britt: "Commander..."

    Count Desmond: "This is the woman who controls time, is it?"

    Nyneve: "It is."

    Britt: "How did you find us?"

    Count Desmond: "Rumours of free tea at this local inn were running through the streets. After you little display earlier, it was obvious."

    Britt: "Bugger. Me and my tea."

    Nyneve: "If I drink from you, I wonder if you'll taste like tea... I wonder if I'll get some kind of... control of that power..."

    Britt: "I'd rather not find out."

    Count Desmond:
    "We're not here for the boy, Nyneve. We're here for the time-traveller."

    Nyneve: "Of course. But I get to keep him, right?"

    Count Desmond hoisted Chronos' unconscious body into his arms as though she were light as a feather. His teeth flashed white in the dark room.

    Count Desmond: "A power as potent as this must pass through her blood. And now that blood is in my arms. The power of time is mine!"

    He sunk his teeth into Chronos' neck.


    Adélaide suddenly whipped off the headset and threw it to the ground as an ear-piercing screech of static plunged through her ears.


    That static bounced through Chronos' brain and jolted her to wakefulness. Her instinctive reaction was to fight against the iron clamp on her neck. Though the connection between Desmond and Chronos was suddenly broken, it was quite too late. Desmond dropped Chronos and staggered back with blood dripping from his lips.

    Count Desmond: "I can feel it... time... coursing through me! Mine to control!"

    Chronos: "Hardly."

    Count Desmond: "What?"

    Chronos pointed to Desmond's feet. They were fading.

    Count Desmond: "No! What is this!?"

    Chronos: "You're vanishing from time. You'll cease to exist within the next few minutes without some kind of mental anchor to reality."

    Count Desmond: "A mental anchor? I just need to concentrate on a specific location in time and I'll reappear there?"

    Chronos: "You'll be stuck there, but yes."

    Britt: "Should you really be giving him advice?"

    Chronos: "Can't have people vanishing from time, Britt. Against the time laws I wrote."

    Britt: "If you wrote them, can't you break them?"

    Chronos: "Some of the small ones, not the big ones."

    Count Desmond smiled, surprising most in the room.

    Count Desmond: "Then I shall anchor myself mentally to a moment in time that I desire... the beginning of time itself!"

    And then, amidst desperate gasps from Britt and the NeSferatu, Count Desmond disappeared. Chronos, however, appeared unconcerned.

    Britt: "This is terrible! What kind of mayhem will this cause!?"

    Nyneve: "Even I'm worried about this..."

    Chronos: "Chillax! There is no beginning of time! He's just going to wind up at the very beginning of the Story he's tethered to. The annuls of its history."

    Britt: "What Story?"

    Chronos: "The Never-ending Story. He'll be there, right now, at the dawn of pre-NeS history."

    Britt: "Uh... and that's acceptable?"

    Chronos: "Sure. Timey-wimey, as someone I know would say. I'm sure he's being very careful not to disturb time these days. After all, if he did, he'd mess things up for himself. Plus I'd have arrested his arse by now."


    At the dawn of NeS-time.

    Count Desmond: "BWAHAHA! IT'S MINE! I AM THE--"

    Arkng Thand: "Could you keep it down? There are people trying to muse about the universe and its complexities."

    Count Desmond: "WHA-!?"

    Arkng Thand: "Welcome to the dawn of NeS-time. Looks like you're another of the 'historic lot' as I like to call us. Background for the greater Story at large."

    Count Desmond: "... how are you here? I thought I was at the dawn of time?"

    Arkng Thand: "Actually there's rather a few of us here right now! Come, let me show you around Atlantis!"


    Britt: "How'd you do that anyway?"

    Chronos: "It was actually just the feedback from the headset that the Girl was wearing. Oops."

    Nyneve: "What do I do without... him...?"

    Britt: "Get a job? Buy a house?"

    Chronos: "Britt... you look..."

    Britt suddenly fell, face-first, into the wooden floor and entered BrittSleep.

  11. #1811
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt: The Legend - Chapter Twenty-Two

    Britt: The Legend - Chapter Twenty-One

    Britt: Why do you like stalking me, anyway?

    The Negotiator: "I have a vested interest in you, Britt. Like the owner of a racehorse, I have to constantly check on my prized horse."

    Britt: "Being compared to a prized horse isn't very flattering, you know?"

    The Negotiator: "Do you require flattery?"

    Britt: "My self-esteem would benefit, I'm sure."

    The Negotiator: "Then consider yourself flattered by my interest in your activities. You're not boring, at least. Now, time to wake up."

    Britt: "Uh--?"

    BOOM!! CRASH!!! WHOOSH!!!!

    Britt jolted upright.

    Britt: "What in the name of Bruce Wayne was that!?"

    The room was black except for a sharp streak of light that cut through the room's stone walls. Britt's eyes struggled against this shaft of light that cut the gloom and his legs, likewise, refused to act properly. Dust particles drifted in the light, fresh from the destruction that caused the light to begin with. A silhouette appeared in the light. Then a second.

    Adélaide Simonier: "Grandfather!"

    Britt: "I wish you wouldn't call me that."

    Adélaide Simonier: "So ungrateful for rescuing you!"

    Britt: "Rescuing me? Did you find a way for me to time-travel back?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "...not exactly no..."

    Britt: "So... how are you here?"

    Lorenzo Prime: "You were in BrittSleep again. You slept for a few hundred years until, well, now."

    Britt: "Hullo man I don't know, thank you for the exposition. I slept until sometime after I'd time-travelled? Seems convenient that I'd wake up now."

    Adélaide Simonier: "Indeed! I was worried you'd have worken up years ago and would have been trapped in this place going stark raving bonkers!"

    Britt: "Where... are we?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "Well... a NeSferatu covern actually."

    Britt: "... a what?"

    Lorenzo Prime:
    "Which is why we need to stop chit-chatting and get moving. They'll have heard that explosive... thing... you invented, Adél."

    Britt fell off of the slab he'd been lying on, along with the blanket that had been consealing his modesty.

    Adélaide Simonier: "Oh my!"

    Lorenzo Prime: "GAH! Scarred for life!"

    Britt: "Why do I end up naked so often!?"

    He grabbed the blanket and used it as a make-shift Romanesque robe. Only then would either Adélaide or Lorenzo help him to his feet and began their escape from the covern.

    Adélaide Simonier: "At least that woman didn't eat you, grandfather. She trapped your Sleeping body in here, under guard of her covern, for all these hundreds of years."

    Britt: "But where's Chronos?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "After you were taken by your NeSferatu friend, Chronos was thrown back through time to the present."

    Britt: "Uh, which present are we talking about? Mine, yours or hers?"

    Lorenzo Prime: "Ugh, time travel."

    Chronos: "This present."

    Britt: "WAAAAAGH!"

    Chronos: "Calm down! You've seen me invisible before! Well, when I say seen..."

    Britt: "I wonder if anyone else is ever as confused as I am when they wake up..."

    NeSferatu #1: "And where do you think you're going?"

    As Britt, Lorenzo, Adélaide and the invisible Chronos stalked across the castle basement, they were confronted by a group of NeSferatu at the stop of the stairs.

    NeSferatu #1: "The name's Niall Gilroy and I'm in charge when Nyneve ain't here."

    NeSferatu #2: "Says you."

    Niall Gilroy: "Watch your mouth, fella! At least I got a name!"

    NeSferatu #3: "He gets a name and along with it delusions of grandeur."

    NeSferatu #2: "How about we all give ourselves names, then we can all claim to be in charge?"

    Niall Gilroy: "Or maybe you can all shout your mouths and deal with these intruders before they..."

    Britt and his crew had already scarpered. They ran through rooms upon rooms of gloom, usually lit by a few meagre candles that threatened to blow out as they rushed by.

    Niall Gilroy: "You can't escape this place, Sleeper! It was built especially to keep you contained! She's never going to let you go!"

    Niall Gilroy's voice echoed along the stone walls to reach them as they continued to flee.

    Britt: "Why does this place seem like a maze!?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "Because it is! It's a catacomb! Exactly where NeSferatu would bury their treasure!"

    Britt: "I'm a treasure now?"

    Chronos: "I also find that hard to believe."

    Britt: "Heeeeey, don't agree with me on that!"

    Chronos: "Don't you have any of those bomb left, Girl?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "I have just one remaining, I'm afraid..."

    Lorenzo Prime:
    "How about this...?"

    The Italian man turned about with a swoosh of his fine silk cape and began to draw in the air with his finger. Usually Britt would have assumed he'd met yet another madman, but an aethereal golden trail was left in the wake of Lorenzo's finger strokes.

    When he was finished, Lorenzo stepped back. The golden air-painting suddenly crackled and a real, solid version of the painting appeared. A large stone wall with graffitti painted onto it - reading "Fuq U" - now stood before them. Britt was stunned.

    Adélaide Simonier: "You wrote on the wrong side of the wall. They can't read it on this side."

    Lorenzo Prime: "Bollocks."

    Britt: "Couldn't you... draw us a way out of this place?"

    Lorenzo Prime: "I could probably draw more of those bomb things..."

    Adélaide Simonier: "What about an elevator? Could you draw one of those?"

    Lorenzo Prime: "A what?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "It's one of my inventions. It goes up and down."

    Lorenzo Prime: "Have I seen it before?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "No."

    Lorenzo Prime: "Then no I can't. I need to be able to imagine it for me to create it. But... I have seen one of your inventions I know can get us out of here."

    This one took far less time for him to draw, though the sounds of shouting beyond the newly imagined wall were still heavy on Britt's weary mind.

    Niall Gilroy: "C'mon, Sleeper! Come back like a good little human!"

    Britt: "Why is it I always get involved with mental women?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "I am not mental! I'm just a little... off-kilter."

    Britt: "You're my relative, you don't count anyway."

    Chronos: "I'm not mental either."

    Britt: "You're from the future, so you also don't count. Plus I think you're being a little generous towards yourself."

    Chronos: "Cheeky--!"

    Lorenzo Prime: "The Plot-hole Gun!"

    Adélaide Simonier: "Yay! Well done, Lorenzo!"

    Britt: "So, I finally learn his name."

    Lorenzo Prime: "Lorenzo, that's me. My surname's Prime."

    Britt: "Prime!?"

    Lorenzo Prime: "Thought you'd recognise it. Now, let's get moving!"

    He fired the Plot-hole Gun imitation and a plot-hole appeared in the catacomb room. Instantly the group was sucked into the hole and deposited in the middle of a field. Britt looked up to find a cow staring down at him.

    Cow: "Moo?"

    Britt: "Hi there."

    Chronos: "Don't converse with the natives."

    Britt felt himself being helped to his feet, though not being able to see the person helping made the entire sensation somewhat unusual. Lorenzo approached a moment later, followed by Adélaide who fell out of a tree.

    Chronos: "Can you conjure me up a cloak, Boy?"

    Lorenzo Prime: "Sure thing."

    Britt: "Chronos, you're not exactly old and decrepit. Why do you insist on calling them Girl and Boy?"

    Chronos: "I'm older than I look. And I can't be bothered remembering their names. I'll only forget them once I return to my own time."

    Adélaide Simonier: "You'd forget me!?"

    Chronos: "I sincerely hope I do..."

    After an hour of wandering through fields of cows, sheep and, strangely, penguins the four of them managed to locate a town. After some bartering they were on their merry way towards the Irish coast and escape from the NeSferatu. They sat on the back of a wagon, huddled up alongside sacks of grain and hay.

    Britt: "Where was Nyneve anyway?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "Well, I did some investigative work before we climbed down into the depths in search for you and discovered that she's met up with Count Desmond again. Who apparently has lived since the dawn of time, by the way. Not sure what they're plotting now though."

    Britt: "Why didn't she kill me?"

    Adélaide Simonier: "Without Count Desmond around, I think she felt lost and needed to hold onto something familiar."

    Chronos: "And I threatened to ensure she was never born. Literrally."

    Britt: "I noticed you haven't started sneezing again."

    Chronos: "Dealt with the situation."

    Britt: "How?"

    Chronos: "Beng bitten by a NeSferatu was just the time jolt I needed to escape King John's timestream. So I trundled back to the Girl's workshop and tried, again, to put the timestreams into the Containment Unit. This time it worked. So now I'm fine and dandy."

    Britt: "Why haven't you returned to your own time?"

    Chronos: "Truth is, I kind of need to put them all back. Except for the one timestream I wanted to absorb."

    Britt: "Why?"

    Chronos: "Laws of time and all that."

    Britt: "Why did you make these stupid time laws anyway?"

    Chronos: "If I didn't, powergamers would probably be running amock even as we speak. Dealing with powergamers has become a bit of a... hobby of mine. Good example is the anti-powergaming cell I invented. Obviously, it sounds like an oxymoron, but it's not. A powergamer can easily break out... so powerfully and easily, in fact, that they'd rip straight through dimensional space in such a powergaming flurry that they'd instantly wind up back in the cell of the next dimension. Only in the TEA there's only my dimension. Like going through the ceiling of a room, only to come out of the floor. Except it only works that way if you're powergaming. It req--"

    Britt: "Lost me."

    Chronos: "When?"

    Britt: "Powergamers."

    Chronos: "You're a lost cause."

    Adélaide Simonier: "Thank you for helping our family, Lorenzo. I really appreciate it."

    Lorenzo Prime: "You know I'm happy to help, Adél."

    They shared a secret smile. Or they thought it was secret until both Chronos and Britt started making kissy noises.
    Arkng Thand: "Why is the NeS filled with such childish characters, I wonder."

    Thrawn42689: "Master Thand. The parameters of my mission never included the territory controlled by Dr Evil. However, during the past day I've been having accidental success at infiltrating Disney with American drones."

    Arkng Thand: "Citizens, Thrawn. We still call them citizens."

    Thrawn42689: "Apologies. In any case, I suspect that this is due to Disney's present distractions in India where the bulk of its forces were redirected. Should I make an active push into Disney?"

    Arkng Thand tapped his lips in thought. He could use Dr Evil as an ally against the oncoming storm. However Supervillains were notoriously unreliable and self-interested. He hadn't intended to reclaim Disney in the name of the U.S.A. but perhaps the land could be better used by him.

    Arkng Thand: "You have my permission."

    The screen blinked out. Arkng Thand walked onto the balcony overlooking Washington D.C. Standing in such a place would normally be a bad idea for a President, but with the populace under such deep control there was zero danger. He pressed 'resume' on his phone.

    Some months later, after a lot of sailing and complaining, the four of them were back in Italy and sat in Adélaide's workshop. The two younger characters had tried to keep their little romance a secret from Britt and Chronos, but the two older adults would constantly hound the pair of them.

    Adélaide: "You two are just having a relationship with each other by proxy of us!"

    Britt: "Uh... what?"

    Chronos: "Stupid thing to say. We're just having fun, Girl. Chillax. Young love. Such a beautiful, naive and stupid thing."

    "Your cold heart just proves that you loved once."

    "Sorry, but I'm just cold-hearted by nature."

    Britt: "What're you going to do about these timestreams?"

    Chronos: "Not sure. I could just take them out one-by-one, but that would take an eternity. On the other hand I can't jut let them all go at once because I'll lose the one timestream I want to keep. Plus there's some freaking crazy powerful villains in there. I'm considering turning them over to the NeS Heroes."

    Adélaide: "Who are the NeS Heroes?"

    Chronos: "Characters from a Story in the future."

    Britt: "But I'm the Main Character, aren't I?"

    Chronos: "Of your own Story, maybe. But in the future there's a new Story."

    Britt: "...does that mean--... my Story ends?"

    Chronos: "Sorry, Britt. That's one law of time I did not write."

    Britt: "But I'm immortal..."

    Chronos: "Immortal in the sense that you won't age. Doesn't mean you can't die."


    Chronos: "Or maybe just your Story ends."

    Britt: "Did yo see me in the future?"



  12. #1812
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Quote Originally Posted by Britt the Legend - Chapter 22
    Adel: Oh, don't fret, Grandfather! Time is a big place; you might be there, she just hasn't seen you, is all.

    Lorenzo: We won't be there. Our lives are finite and mortal. Don't complain about your situation, you're blessed as it is.

    Britt: Sure. Blessed. Cursed with an eternity of mental women is more like it.

    Chronos: Well, that's it for me. I'm off back to my own time! The NeS heroes can figure out what to do with these buggers.

    Britt: Wait a second. If these heroes are the heroes of their own story, are you sure they're capable of looking after those timestreams?

    Chronos: Sure, why wouldn't they be?

    Britt: Well, I'm the hero of my OWN story...

    Chronos: I see your point. Still, while there is Hero Force One, they've got their own story now, and can't be bothered with supposedly 'two-bit' villains from a less capable team.

    Adel: Wait, if you're leaving, will I lose my inventing genius, now that you've gotten what you wanted?

    Chronos: Well, having all this anachronistic technology does break a multitude of time laws.


    Lorenzo: Hang on a second. The existence of prophets and seers doesn't break time laws, does it? Because isn't that all that Adel is? A prophet of technology?

    Chronos: Oh, whatever. Just make sure you keep all your stuff hidden. Maybe sometime you'll invent something that will be useful for a future generation of heroes, be it Britt, the NeS Heroes, or my Far-Far-Far-Future Time Agents.

    Adel: Oh thank you! Thank you! Well, I did get inspiration for a synthetic consciousness recently. I call her CynthAI!

    Chronos: Oh, so THAT'S where she came from. In the Victorian Era, when I will have founded the TEA, I will have discovered the world's first working AI in a sealed vault that I will have used to aid my Time Agents in their missions.

    Lorenzo: I'm sure that if I had a better grasp of grammatical tenses, I might have understood you.

    Britt: I'm sure that if I knew what 'grammatical tenses' were, I might have understood both of you.

    Chronos: Thick, aren't you? No idea how a genius descended from the likes of you.

    Britt: Heyyyyyy....
    In the White House, President Thand pauses his audio player.

    Thand: So that's where the Founding Fathers' Secure Vault 999 came from. Ben Franklin never would spill, even when I handed him Hermes Trismegistus' Ye Olde Historie Fantastique. Ungrateful sod. Of course, the irony was that I already knew, given my reading of the Historie. But it would have been nice to have been appreciated enough to be told.

    He switches albums on his audio player.

    Audio Player: Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive!

    Thand: I have got to stop hitting shuffle by accident on this thing.

    He tries again.

    Audio Player: Ye Olde Historie Fantastique, by Hermes Trismegistus. Chapter 665.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ye Olde Historie Fantastique - Chapter 665
    Be warned, dear reader, that the events in this chapter, circa NeS page 96, are precursor to the Second Ragnarok, covered in chapter 666. To begin, the forces of evil are concentrated in a vault by an entity of time and bestowed upon a group of unlikely heroes, to watch over.

    But there is another concentration of evil, a sword holding the captured essences of three archvillains, and it is this sword that shall break the seal upon the vault.

    But this is only one of the Seven Seals that shall herald the Second Ragnarok, when the stars themselves shall weep ink, and the soil blacken with charred paper...
    Thand: Oh dear. This is a post written by Al Ciao the Writer, isn't it?


    Al Ciao the Writer: No, Geb, really, I'm not being all epic, that's just how Hermes put it in his book! It's much more mundane than it sounds, I swear!

    Geb the Writer: Shove over and start writing on your Hero Force One spin-off already, and leave your delusions of grandeur out of my baby!

  13. #1813

    Britt the Legend - Chapter 23

    Quote Originally Posted by Britt the Legend - Chapter 23
    After Chronos left the workshop, or as Adélaide began to call it, the Kitchinvention room, Britt slumped into a seat.

    Britt: "My story will end... what's this all going to mean? What am I supposed to do with my life?"

    Lorenzo: "You could get a job like the rest of us."

    Britt: "...I need a drink."

    Lorenzo: "Work behind a bar and solve two problems at once!"

    Britt: "That's a terrible idea."

    Quote Originally Posted by Britt the Legend - Chapter 24
    Suddenly, the Flying Spaghetti Monster--
    Thand pauses his audio player.

    President Thand: "That seemed unusually short for even this biography..."

    He skips back to Chapter 23, and listens to it again. He repeats the process, playing with the various controls to fast-forward, turn up the volume, and the like.

    President Thand: "It says 'Drink more Ovaltine'...? Ah, wait, it's typical Globalist triple-encoded plans disguised as quintuple subliminal messages. I'll note this down for later... and then I could use a drink."

  14. #1814
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Four

    Britt: The Legend - Chapter 24

    Suddenly, the Flying Spaghetti Monster burst through the door and raged at a random invention - which happened to be a microwave with a satellite attached to it - before Lorenzo managed to react and shooed the beast-god into a corner.

    Lorenzo: "Sorry, he's a present from the god in my family."

    Britt: "Tsk, not you too! I heard enough of that from Septimus!"

    Lorenzo: "...Where do you think our family powers come from?"

    Britt: "Um... DNA?"

    Lorenzo: "Although I have a feeling we're forcing an anachronism into the situation, you're right. The DNA that was passed down from my god-ancestor. Minerva."

    Britt: "... ... ... I've spent centuries knowing that Septimus was an idiot. I'm not going to change my mind on that now, just because you think you've got a bit of evidence to prove otherwise."

    Adélaide: "You sound just like all the other old fossils, grandfather. Stuck in your ways. Unable to accept progress. I'm ashamed of you."

    Britt: "Whaaaat?"

    Adélaide: "Aww, how can I be mad at that stupid face?"

    Britt: "Yaaaay!"

    Lorenzo: "What will you do now, Britt?"

    Britt: "Well, I was thinking-- Wait, did you say my face is stupid!?"

    "A mere reflection of the mind, grandfather."

    Britt: "...Was that still an insult?"

    Adélaide: "You decide."

    Britt: "I decide to ignore you from now on. As for my plans--"

    He got up and stretched his body out as though he'd just woken up from a long nap.

    Britt: "I think I'll go for a wander."

    Adélaide: "There's a lovely park not far--"

    "I was thinking Africa."

    Lorenzo: "That's a long wander..."

    Britt: "I find my Story progresses more if I wander."

    Adélaide: "Well, if you take this communication device then--"

    Britt: "No thanks. I think I'd prefer to go au naturale as you French say."

    Lorenzo: "You mean naked?"

    Britt: "I mean natural. Nothing added."

    Adélaide: "But--"

    Britt: "Well, it was nice meeting you both! Nice to see me and Septimus left something nice for the world. You kids have fun! Bye-bye now!"

    Adélaide: "But--"

    Britt waved at the Flying Spaghetti Monster on his way out of the door. Once outside Britt breathed in deep. Another saga of his life was over and he could feel the next one beginning. Yet a sensation deep inside him began to dread. With each passing chapter he was drawing ever closer to that final page of his book.

    He took a single step.

    Adélaide: "You can't just leave like that!"

    Britt: "Whoa! Calm down!"

    Adélaide stomped up to her ancestor.

    "You just appeared in my life, turned it all upside down, and now you're just going to swan off - like you never existed!?"

    Britt: "Um... I guess..."

    Adélaide: "I won't allow it."

    Lorenzo: "Adél..."

    Britt: "Okay, okay. Look. Try to see this from my perspective. You age, I don't. I'd stand here and watch you get older with every passing second, while I remain. My own ancestor dying before me."

    Adélaide: "Well...."

    Britt: "Besides, it wouldn't be a very interesting Story if I hung around here. And no, I don't want you worrying about me all of the time. You need to move on with your own life, not hanging on for me all of the time."

    Lorenzo: "Why don't you at least let us do one thing for you before you go? So you'll have something to remember us by?"

    "Um... okay."

    Lorenzo Prime snapped his fingers and the Flying Spaghetti Monster yipped like a spaghetti-laden dog.

    Lorenzo: "Britt is your master now. Go."

    The Flying Spaghetti Monster floated close to Britt's head, threatening to drop pasta sauce on his shoulders.

    Britt: "This... really isn't necessary."

    Lorenzo: "You're more than welcome, Britt."

    Britt: " really. It's not necessary."

    Adélaide: "He'll be a nice reminder for you, grandfather!"

    Britt: "Urgh... fine."

    The Flying Spaghetti Monster yipped with delight and glowed with a godly light.

    "Just promise me that you'll visit me one day, okay?"

    Britt: "Okay. That I promise you."

    After a teary goodbye, Britt and his new-found pet-monster-god-thing departed Rome on a ship bound for Africa. The ship was a small and simple vessel so the crew were more than happy to give Britt and his spaghetti-producing beastie free passage in return for free meals and free tea every day. As Britt stood upon the deck of the ship and stared out at the receding shoreline of Italy his mind ran through all of the people he'd met, all of the people that had made up his Story so far. He glanced up to see the Flying Spaghetti Monster chasing seagulls. There was at least one he'd wished he'd never met.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Oi, lad! Whatcha starin' at?"


    Kaptin Kwanza: "Your homeland?"

    Britt had to think about that one.

    Britt: "Not really, no."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Then why the long face? You're off on the adventure of a lifetime, my friend. Ain't nowhere more dangerous an' excitin' than Africa!"

    Britt: "You have a really bizarre accent for an African, captain..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Please, call me Kaptin."

    Britt: "Uh..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "An' I've been about, friend. Well-travelled. You tend to pick up some habits when ya live like that. Y'know, Africa's a big place. Where exactly are ya plannin' ta get to?"

    Britt: "Just looking for somewhere... interesting."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "How about Burundy?"

    Britt: "Never heard of it."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "On second thoughts, that place sucks. If ya really lookin' for hardship and adventure, I guess you'll want to have a walk across the Sahara Desert. 'Course it'll kill ya."

    Britt: "Sounds perfect."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "You heard tha part about it killin' ya, right?"

    Britt: "That I did."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Well, it's your life ya be throwin' away."

    Britt: "I won't die. That's the only thing I'm certain of."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I heard many a man say those exact words... hey, what's your foodie beastie doin'?"

    Britt and the captain of the ship looked out across the water and saw the Flying Spaghetti Monster hovering suspiciously close to the surface of the ocean, as though it were teasing something beneath the murky waves.

    Britt: "That wasn't very subtle, Narrator."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Maybe ya should reel in your wee friend..."

    Britt: "Yeah. Oi! S--"

    Before Britt could finish there was a sudden rumbling and ripples spread across the water just moments before a humongous sea-creature burst from the water like a whale, its jaws open wide. As the massive monster fell back to the ocean's surface Britt realised that the brute had eaten his new pet.

    Britt: "Oi! Gimme back my Flying Spaghetti Monster!"

    Britt angrily threw a torrent of boiling tea at the creature as its body slapped against the water. There was a low grumble as the creature submerged.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I hate to say it... but I think you just made it angry."

    Britt: "What's the order you give when your ship is about to be eaten by a sea monster?"

    Kaptin Kwanza:

    Britt grabbed the nearest wooden post just moments before the ship was hurled aloft. Many of the ship's crew went tumbling off through the air as the ship span upside down. From this angle Britt could see the jaws of the beast open wide. As they did so, he spotted the glowing Flying Spaghetti Monster somewhere deeper down the throat. The little bleeder was still alive.



    In London Arbiter runs at Gwenhwyfar at such a speed that there is a mini-sonic boom - even though he only moved a few metres - his fist comes screaming towards her face.

    Ping: "You're ordered to stand down, Arbiter."

    Everyone opens their winced eyes to find Ariter's fist mere centimetres from Gwenhwyfar's nose.

    Gwenhwyfar: "I could take it."

    "Well, I'm glad you don't have to."

    Arbiter: "It had best we the Lost One giving that order."

    Ping: "It is. He said there's more important things to be doing than chasing down one NeS Hero."

    Arbiter: "She's not a-- bugger it. I'm bored now anyway."

    Polly: "So now that distraction is out of the way, back to the re--"

    Chronos: "Hey guys."

    Polly: "Sonofa--!"

    Chronos: "Daughter! Thank you very much, grandmother!"

    Polly: "I didn't mean you, Apple."

    Chronos: "Chronos now, grandmother."

    Polly: "You're still Apple to me! And a very naughty girl to boot! Where the heck have you been all this time and you didn't even write!"

    Chronos: "I guess time just... got away from me?"

    Polly: "You control time!"

    Chronos: "Uh... important news interrupts!"

    Losien: "What is it?"

    Evil G: "Don't sound too eager..."

    Chronos: "Coordinates to a very important prison you've got to guard."

    Losien: "... seriously?"

    Chronos: "All those villains you keep having to fight?"

    Losien: "Yes?"

    Chronos: "All locked up, safe and sound, for the past... few hundred years."

    Everyone Else:

    She hands Losien, her 'father', a card with the coordinates to Adélaide's kitchivention room.

    Chronos: "I hope you kids have fun with that! See y-- wait, where's Agent Smith?"

    They all look blankly at each other.

    Evil G: "Guess we lost him."

    "I give you a toy to play with and you can't even look after him! Kids today."

    Losien: "Don't talk to your mother that way!"

    Chronos: "Father..."

    Losien: "Debatable. Two mothers seems just fine to me."

    Chronos: "Your my parent, shouldn't I get to choose!?"

    Rachel: "Are we seriously going to have this family dispute right now?"

    The remainder of those within Big Ben's tower emerge behind the group and approach.

    Emperor Pi: "Daughter."

    Evil G: "On the topic of family dispute, don't you have something o say, Rachel?"

    Rachel: "Fuq..."

    Emperor Pi: "That's not the kind of language I would expect from a Princess of China."

    Rachel: "Sorry, father."

    Ping: "Arbiter, maybe we should take the opportunity to vamoosh?"

    "Good idea. Potential. We will battle one day again."

    "Next time, I won't go so easy on you."

    Arbiter grunted and vanished, leaving a smoke trail coursing through the sky. Ping nodded towards Losien then also vanished in a cascading blur of pixels and a suspiciously 'warp pipe' sound effect.

    Losien: "We go to Rome!!"

    Evil G: "The family issues?"

    Losien: "Will have to wait! We have a Containment Unit full of Supervillains to find!"

    "Aren't Containment Units for ghosts?"

    "I was thinking that. Well, Apple is my daughter!"

    Chronos: "I'm still here, you know?

    Losien: "Sorry darling. Mommy is very proud of her little girl for what she did."

    Chronos wore a face of pure darkness. Yet everyone could see that tiny spark of childish comfort hidden behind the mask. Even if they didn't know it was there, they do now because I told everyone.

    Chronos: "One day, Narrator, me and you are going to have a reckoning."

    Al Ciao: "Wait, you're forgetting something more important right now."

    Losien: "Really?"

    Al Ciao: "My wife."

    Evil G: "And we're back to family disputes."

    They all look at LightSide's pregnant belly. While they all know they should see a beautiful baby, instead they all see DarkSide's return.

    Amal: "What about... Mecha Lou?"

    Mecha Lou: "Huh? Do I look like a freakin' midwife!?"

    Amal: "We need to keep LightSide and her baby alive if possible. Isn't there some way of saving both of them with DarkSide... eating them or whatever he does?"

    LightSide flinches at the thought and holds her rotund stomach.

    Mecha Lou: "You think I'm some kind of Deus Ex Machina, here just to get you out of awkward scrapes?"

    They all look at Al Ciao.

    Mecha Lou: "Well..."

    They look at Miss Fire.

    Mecha Lou: "Twice! C'mon!"

    Chronos: "Actually there's a lot of crazy technology at that location. Looks like the kind of place a techno-witch like you would adore."

    Mecha Lou:
    "Sold. I'll come with you and see if I come up with any ideas on savin' the lives of the Soul Destroyer."

    Al Ciao: "My wife is not the Soul Destroyer! That's her alter-ego."

    Evil G: "Wait, how's she going help LightSide? Make robo-LightSide? Make a little robo-LightSide-baby!?"

    Amal: "You forget, she's not just technology-driven. She knows magic too! Maybe there's something esoterical she can do to help us."

    Gebohq: "Like a seance!!"

    Evil G facepalms, but before he knows it everyone is gossiping about a seance as they walk in the direction of Italy...

    Evil G: "Seriously? We're going to walk there? Shouldn't we be dealing with the remaining Potentials or something? You know, major plot point let hanging? You guys suck!"


    Britt the Legend

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm alive!"

    Britt: "Yeah... but we're inside the whale monster."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I can hardly see anythin'. Is that your leg?"

    Pinocchio: "It's my leg, Sir."

    Kaptin Kwanza:
    "Whoa! A talkin' puppet! What're you doin' in 'ere?"

    Pinocchio: "Same as you, Sir. I guess we're both tasty-looking snacks to a great whale like this."

    Britt: "We need a fire. Can we burn your ship, captain?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "We could, but it's wet so it won't light. We need something for kindlin'..."
    In modern day Sahara Desert.

    Antestarr: "Well, you caught me. What're you going to do with me?"

    Britt: "I was thinking of doing a reimagining of The Temple of Doom sacrifice scene! What do you think?"

    Antestarr: "I hung around Otter enough to know Indiana Jones escapes that."

    Britt: "I did say reimagining. Can I get some ominous chanting from you guys?"

    The Cult of X instantly break out into chanting. Unfortunately they weren't very well practised so they kept chanting different things, some of which sounded very pleasant and others sounded like football anthems.

    "I think we'll need a bit of work."

    Antestarr: "Yay for me."

    Britt: "You have a permanently deadpan voice, you know that? You sounds like you're in a perpetual state of sarcasm."

    Antestarr: "I was being sarcastic."

    Britt: "Oh right."

    Rob X: "Oracle... what should we call you?"

    Britt: "Britt-- Uh... Brittica. Brittica X."

    Antestarr: "Smooth."

    "I'm going to tattoo the words 'sarcastic tw*t' into your forehead."

    Antestarr: "Is that before or after you sacrifice me to the EeP?"

    Cult of X:
    "The Plot shall return."

    Britt: "You managed that chant!"

    Antestarr: "Your guys are creepier than mine."

    Britt: "You and your NeSferatu buddies, you mean? Why the sudden surge in activity anyway?"

    Antestarr: "I... I was... kind of goaded into it."

    Britt: "There's an old plea. 'Someone told me to do it'."

    Antestarr: "She's... persuasive. Her power is... intoxicating. It always was. Even before she turned me."

    Britt: "She?"

    Antestarr: "Nyneve."

    Britt: "Burn him."

    Antestarr: "What?"

    Rob X: "Uh... seriously?"

    Antestarr: "Do you know her?"

    Britt: "I said burn him."

    Britt left the room in a dark mood.

    The Cult of X look at each other with trepidation.

    Cygnus X: "I suppose we have to do as the oracle says."

    Rob X: "Things never used to be like this. These new oracles are just crazy..."

    Antestarr: "That's not really your oracle, Rob. Listen to me--"

    Rob X: "You don't get to talk, Antestarr. I don't like this, but you're definitely a guilty party now. We know what you've been doing. It's not helping anybody, and will only destroy the NeS further."

    Antestarr: "Wow. You got philosophical."

    Rob X: "So... do we just put him in the sun?"

    Cygnus X: "Won't work. He's too old now."

    Rob X:
    "Uh... anyone got a lighter?"

    Britt: "That woman."

    Britt has appeared again and continued talking as though he'd never left.

    Britt: "Of all the NeSferatu to still be alive after all these centuries, it has to be her? And it just happens to be her protégé that murders me?"

    Rob X: "Eh?"

    Britt: "Uh... I'm talking existentially."

    Antestarr: "Smooth..."

    Britt: "Stop saying that. But seriously. I sleep, I awake and she's still alive! I mean I even have a new bo--WHOA!?"

    Antestarr: "You're a woman, remember?"

    Britt: "Wow. I... forgot..."

    Britt stands staring down at herself robed-body. The Cult of X shift uneasily.

    Britt: "What is it called when you're attracted to yourself?"

    Antestarr: "Britt...ica. Why don't we talk about this? Sounds like you and I share a similar thorn in our sides."

    Britt: "You killed me."

    Rob X: "What?"

    Britt: "I meant my previous clone..."

    Antestarr: "Bygones be bygones. I trusted you when you inhabited my body and you betrayed me, remember?"

    Rob X: "You did?"

    Britt: "Can you stop listening into our private conversation, please?"

    Antestarr: "There must be an office around here?"

    Maxim X:
    "I don't think letting him go would be a good idea."

    "I'm wise to him now, X-guy. Besides, if there's one thing I'm certain of. I won't die."

    "But you did."

    Britt: "I'm standing here aren't I?"

    Antestarr: "Point."

    Britt: "Take him to my office."

    Rob X:
    "You don't have an office."

    Britt: "... what do I have?"

    Rob X: "Bedroom?"

    Britt: "Whoa! No way! That's totally gross!"

    Cygnus X: "There's a prayer room? The oracle can pray to Plot in peace."

    Britt: "Let's go there then."


    Britt: The Legend

    The fire burned brightly and the two men huddled close to keep warm. From the pile of wood, Britt could still see a wooden leg poking out.

    Britt: "I think I'll be traumatised by those screams for the rest of my life."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Needs must, my friend! If you're going to brave the desert, you need a stronger stomach."

    Britt: "Still think we'll get there?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I have no ship, no crew. You owe me at least an adventure."

    Britt: "I was thinking more about our immediate situation."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm sure an opportunity will present itself."

    The Flying Spaghetti Monster, glowing with godly light in the darkness, began tickling the innards of the whale's gullet with his spaghetti limbs. The walls vibrate.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "You see?"

    Britt: "I have a bad feeling about this."

    The walls of the gullet vibrate more forcibly as the spaghetti works its magic. Next minute there is an almighty cough and Britt found himself whirling through the sky at an incredible speed. He slapped his hands over his eyes at the impending pain he knew he was going to feel as his descending body encroached upon he land.


    Some hours later Britt jolted awake as a voice cried out.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm alive!"

    Britt: "I guess pain means alive... right?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I hope so, my friend. Or else Heaven sucks."

    Kaptin helped Britt get to his feet before he dusted down his own sea-faring garb. Britt was instantly assaulted by the Libyan heat and had to throw his fancy Italian jacket to the ground and unfastened the cravatte around his neck. While Britt felt he would die in so few clothes, Kaptin seemed immune to the heat despite wearing a long and heavy velvet jacket. He whipped out a telescope and surveyed their surroundings.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "What a coincidence. Looks like we landed right on the edge of the Sahara Desert."

    The stare out at the expanse of sand like a never-ending beach.

    Britt: "I'm going to die."

    Britt: "I'm going to die!"

    Britt squirmed underneath Antestarr's grip about her neck.

    Antestarr: "That's my intention."

    Britt: "But-- you promised!"

    Antestarr: "Like I can trust you not to kill me the first chance you get."

    Britt: "Stop! Stop! Just stop!"

    Antestarr releases the oracle and slumps back against the altar of the small room. Britt scurries away from him until her back hit the opposite altar to Antestarr's. She pants and Antestarr himself looks worn out.

    Britt: "We need to reach some kind of accord here."

    Antestarr: "Agreed."

    Britt: "Pinky promise. We won't kill each other."

    Antestarr: "Pinky promise... are you serious?"

    Britt: "Pink promise!"

    They lock pinkies and there's a creepy snap crackle between the two of them that shocks their fingers.

    Antestarr: "Yeowch!"

    Britt: "Pinky promise is totally binding by the laws of the universe."

    Antestarr: "If you say so. If we're not going to kill each, what are we going to do?"

    Britt pouts in thought. Then she catches Antestarr's eye.


    Antestarr: "I wasn't--! Just wandering eyes! Can't be helped! Besides you keep looking at yourself!"

    Britt: "I'm allowed! It's mine!"

    Antestarr: "Alright. New accord. You need more concealing clothing. Are you listening?"

    Britt snaps her head up again.

    Britt: "What? Breasts? Yes?"

    Antestarr: "Why are you here, Britt? What's the point of you?"

    Britt: "What do you mean? We're here because we're supposed to be working things out."

    "I meant in the more universal sense. Why are you here? Why do you exist?"

    Britt: "That's not very nice."

    Antestarr: "You show up out of the blue. Random Character from nowhere. No purpose. No meaning. That's how I could kill you. But you are based on a Writer. I can sense it."

    Britt: "You seem awfully educated on metaphysical realms, Antestarr."

    "I am very well educated on them, actually!"

    "No, awfully means very... Britishism. Forget it. What's your point?"

    "I killed you. You came back. Why? Why are you important enough to return? Did your Writer take a renewed shine to you?"

    Britt: "So I guess NeSferatu don't inherit the memories of those they drink from... I had my very own Story. Before this... Never-ending Story there was me. Britt: The Legend. I was the plot before this plot existed."

    Antestarr: "You were the plot?"

    Britt: "I was The Plot."

    Antestarr smiles. And not a very nice smile. In fact, it's downright cruel looking. Malicious. Nasty.

    Antestarr: "I'll do something cruel, malicious and nasty to you in a minute, Narrator."

    Britt: "I hated the Narrator of my Story too."

    Antestarr: "Some things never change."

    Britt: "What are you smiling at?"

    Antestarr: "Would you care to be... The Plot again?"

    Britt: "But my Story ended, Antestarr. It's over."

    Antestarr: "Britt: The Legend... Part II?"

    Britt: "Corny."

    Antestarr: "Britt: The Never-ending Story."

    Britt: "Getting there."

    Antestarr: "Wait. I get it now. The reason you're back. Britt: The Ever-ending Plot."
    Last edited by TheBritt; 12-02-2014 at 02:04 PM.

  15. #1815
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Pat-a-cake

    In the Writers' Realm, Gebohq the Writer slowly raises his eyes above the rim of his laptop and glares at Britt the Writer.

    Gebohq the Writer: "What are you doing?"

    Britt the Writer: "Playing pat-a-cake with Al!"

    The two Writers resuming tapping their hands together.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man, bake me a cake as fast as you can;"

    Gebohq the Writer: "I meant on the NeS!!"

    Britt: "Um... "

    Gebohq the Writer: "Don't give me that face! Answer the question!"

    Britt: "Uuuuummmm.... "

    Gebohq the Writer: "Britt!!"

    Britt the Writer: ""

    Gebohq the Writer: "No! It's NOT a Masterstroke! It's a continuity nightmare and the Eep is my baby!!"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Ew."

    Gebohq the Writer: "Not my actual-- Ugh! I'm going to cry myself to sleep."

    Gebohq the Writer stomps off.

    Britt and Al Ciao the Writers look at each other for a moment.

    Britt & Al Ciao the Writers: "Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man, bake me a cake as fast as you can;"

  16. #1816
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Five

    Britt: The Legend - Chapter Twenty-five

    Britt: "Okay, okay, you win Kaptin. The desert is too much of an adventure for me. Let's go back, okay?"

    Kaptin Kwanza turned around and looked back the way they had come, spying their footprints in the deep sand. He then looked left, right and back to the way they were headed.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Might take longer going back now."

    Britt: "Seriously?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Probably. Maybe. How the heck should I know? It's not like I often come to the Sahara Desert for leisurely walks, is it? Besides, you're giving up too soon. I'm sure we'll come across something adventurous soon enough."

    Britt: "You mean burning in a desert isn't adventurous enough for you?"

    Britt held out his hand and poured iced tea into the glass he held in his other hand. He gulped down the cold liquid.

    Britt: "Um... I think there was something in my tea... I'm seeing things."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "It's your own magical tea. Did you poison yourself?"

    Britt: "Maybe... I guess it's a mirage. I think I see... a tower..."

    Kaptin Kwanza squinted out into the desert. As if by magic a black obelisk materialised into existence.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Told you something exciting would happen."

    Britt: "You actually want to go into that thing? Could be... monsters or something."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Maybe. But there will be shade from the sun."

    Britt: "What the Hell are we waiting for!? Adventure!"

    The two men ran towards the obelisk, Britt in his thin, sweat-soaked shirt and Kaptin Kwanza still in complete pirate gear. Britt, without stopping to think, dove through the crack at the base of the ominous obelisk and was instantly struck by a wall of cold. He slapped is arms around himself.

    Britt: "Whoa! I'm gonna catch frostbite!"

    They walked further into the underground temple, finding it to be a cavernous place with stone bridges connecting to more stone bridges.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I wonder what this place is for..."

    Something appeared behind them and whispered chillingly down their spines.

    Askia: "Death."

    In London, the Heroes have managed to walk down several streets on their long march towards Italy.

    Evil G: "Maybe, just maybe, we should go to the docks to get a boat."

    Rachel Pi: "Or maybe Long Xiang can just carry us there. You know that hulking dragon that walking behind us?"

    A few people cast a glance over their shoulders to see Long Xiang stomping along behind them, an unusual sight for something that was usually soaring through the skies rather than wandering around on his stumpy little legs.

    Most of the group were gathered together at the fore, gaggling around Losien Simon - their intrepid leader. But straggling somewhere at the rear is The Last True Evil, who glares at the back of Losien's head as she walks. Ignoring him.

    There had been no welcome back to the team after being kidnapped by Losien's mother, Polly Simon. Losien had offered no warm embrace, no passionate kiss, no kind words of affection. Not even a peck on the cheek. Instead Losien was all business. TLTE looks down at the pavement underfoot and scowls at it. He scowls at the pavement because he can't scowl at Losien, no matter how betrayed he feels.

    Voice: "It's not right, is it?"

    TLTE: "Potential..."

    Quo Anima: "Indeed."

    TLTE: "If you are being here for trouble, I am glad to serve it to you. You be understanding this?"

    Quo Anima: "Why would I want to cause trouble? I'm just here to help my unPotential to become... improved."

    "Like you? This would not be to Amal's benefit, I be thinking."

    Quo Anima: "I didn't say that."

    Quo Anima stares up at TLTE with wild, but blank eyes.

    TLTE: "Your riddling annoys me."

    Quo Anima: "No riddles then. Amal can be more than he is but he needs support from you to become more."

    From TLTE's right a second Quo Anima walks towards them. This Quo Anima appears to be much more confident, his eyes determined and even cocky.

    Quo Anima #2: "Seems our goals are aligned, TLTE. Wouldn't you like to see Amal grow stronger?"

    TLTE: "I do not need you to tell me this. I encourage Amal well enough. He is like son to me."

    Quo Anima #2: "Maybe you should be doing more?"

    A third Quo Anima appears, sitting on a bench as TLTE nears it. This Quo Anima is looking straight at TLTE with wide, happy eyes and a broad grin on his face.

    Quo Anima #3: "What is Amal was the Main Character, TLTE? Don't you think that would great for him?"

    "I believe this will happen anyway. He needs no help from me for this."

    Quo Anima #3: "But maybe he does?"

    TLTE passes by the third Quo Anima and he disappears, leaving TLTE with the first and second iterations.

    Quo Anima #2: "Seems to me that Losien enjoys being Main Character. I don't think she'll just give it up."

    Quo Anima: "Once upon a time Losien was afraid of her role and didn't understand why she had been chosen. She needed you then. Now..."

    Quo Anima #2: "Now she has them. Her team."

    Quo Anima: "What if she had no team? What if she was not the Main Character? What would she be like then?"

    Quo Anima #2: "No one would look to her for guidance. No one would rely on her. No one would need her. But you would be there to want her and she would want and need you."

    TLTE: "It... is her choice... why would I try to change this?"

    The fourth Quo Anima walks in front of TLTE, forcing them to stop. The fourth Quo Anima appears racked with a kind of sadness, depression lurking behind his eyes.

    Quo Anima #4: "Save yourself TLTE. You need her with you. You know it. I know it. Help Amal, he will respect you more than ever. Relieve Losien of her burden and she will love you forever. Do this and you will be the man you wish to be, not the man you were destined to be."

    All at once Quo Anima is gone and TLTE stalks behind the group. He catches Amal's eye. The young man smiles and gives his Uncle TLTE a nod.


    Britt: The Legend - Continued.

    Britt: "Where are you taking us, Askia?"

    Askia: "So you have seen me before, human? You have witnessed Death stalk the land?"

    Britt: "I have. I saw you take The Commander."

    Askia: "Which commander?"

    Britt: "He's called Count Desmond now."

    Askia: "Ah, him. A powerful and strong Roman warrior. An excellent protégé."

    He led the down a series of stairs, which Britt felt he'd fall off of any minute. Kaptin Kwanza seemed to be in a state of constant thrill and wordlessly said "thank you" to Britt.

    They came to a long room and at the far end of that room was a hooded figure sat in what appeared to be a throne. A throne of skulls.

    Britt: "A friend of yours?"

    Askia: "My maker."

    Britt: "So Death has a creator? Death has a Master?"

    Askia: "We are ancient NeSferatu, human. What we are defies your comprehension. Even you, as old as you are with your immortality, are not as old as me. And I am but a child compared to my Master. He is the first of us."

    Britt: "I guess I thought you were the first, Askia."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "So we're here to meet your boss?"

    Askia: "Yes. Come."

    Askia walked silently down the room, while the footsteps of Britt and Kaptin Kwanza resounded through the stone room loudly. On the walls were paintings, in all manner of styles, of people that Britt guessed were other NeSferatu.

    Askia: "Master. I have found unannounced guests."

    Master NeSferatu:
    "Indeed. Yet I knew it had to happen eventually. Britt the Barista."

    Britt: "Britt the Barista is it now? You know I make tea, not coffee?"

    Master NeSferatu: "Let's not quibble."

    As the man stood, his hood slipped even lower over his face. Only the white chin of the man could be seen from beneath the darkness. Yet Britt had the distinct impression the man was smiling wickedly at him.

    Master NeSferatu: "I have had millennia to muse over the workings of this universe. I have seen many of my children grow old and then die at human hands. A stake through the heart. A head severed. And I reached the conclusion that humans are beasts. Humans treat cows as nothing more than food. Then we should consider humans in such a way also. Then the world would be a more secure place for my kind. But I cannot populate the world fast enough with my own children before your kind will kill them."
    Britt: "Really don't see how I can help you there. Oh well. Thanks for the chat. Catch you next time!"

    Britt turned to leave but was stopped by Askia. He sighed.

    Master NeSferatu:
    "I need a massive portion of the population of Earth to become NeSferatu all at once. We would no longer be overwhelmed by humanity's sheer numbers. If I drink from you, I would gain your powers at least for a short time. But that's all I need. Just one burst of your tea in a colossal raincloud that spreads across the world. Infuse that tea with my essence. Then watch as thousands of NeSferatu are born and we enslave humanity."

    Britt: "Fun times... why do I always get caught up in crazy NeSferatu schemes?"

    Master NeSferatu: "Narrative, Boy."

    Britt: "How do you know this wacky plan will even work? I don't think NeSferatu can get powers from drinking someone's blood."

    Master NeSferatu: "Not all can, no. But I can. You know I can."

    Britt: "I do?"

    The mysterious NeSferatu held his hands to his hood. He paused for dramatic effect. Then tugged back the hood and revealed his face.

    Count Desmond: "I absorbed the power of the time-walker and travelled back to the beginning of time. Then waited. And waited."

    Askia: "Is... is it possible?"

    Britt: "You didn't know?"

    Askia: "How could this be? I... turned you!"

    Count Desmond: "Askia. My most loyal servant. Loyal... but stupid. I just told you, I went back in time. All the way back."

    Britt: "Where's Chronos to arrest you? Surely creating the guy who would create you is breaking time laws?"

    Count Desmond: "Actually, not creating Askia would break time laws. Because then I would never have been created and so I would never go back in time..."

    Britt: "Brain... broken."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Old grudges, powerful villains and a plot to destroy the world as we know it. This is a brilliant adventure you brought me on, friend! Now, when do we begin our swash-bucklin' escape?"

    Britt: "We can't fight them, Kaptin."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Thought you evaded this bloke before?"

    Britt: "Fluke. Always a fluke. I've never actually beat the NeSferatu. I've never defeated them."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Seems to me like you don't have to beat them. We just 'ave to leg it. He needs you. We run. We win."

    Britt: "Good point... but how to escape?"

    Count Desmond: "You know we're still here, right? We can hear you."

    Askia: "This is your goal, Master? This... fool?"

    Count Desmond: "Don't underestimate the Main Character of a story, child."

    Britt: "Yeah... don't underestimate the Main Character of a Story. Something always comes up, right Kaptin?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye. Sounds about right!"

    Count Desmond's eyes narrowed.

    Count Desmond: "What are you up to, Boy?"

    Britt: "I am up to nothing, Commander. They, however..."

    Askia and Count Desmond turned around to see a small army of wizards from Doughnutelf surrounding the throne. At the front of the group was a woman wearing white robes.

    Woman: "Cult of X - defend our Saviour!"

    The four men in the room glance at each other.

    Woman: "Obviously I mean Britt."

    Four Men: "Oooh!"

    Woman: "I am Una X! Britt, escape!"

    Kaptin Kwanza:
    "Don't need to tell me twice. C'mon, friend! Let's scarper!"

    In France.

    Orochi: "WRAAAAAA!!!"

    Nyneve: "Where is it?"

    Tony: "There's just a daft column left. Looks like the original Bastille was destroyed after all."

    Orochi: "God damn! How can you conquer France if there's no Bastille's to storm!?"

    Midas: "Hold on. Let's think about this. This is the modern era. How else do you get people to follow you?"

    "...Release bad pop music?"

    Midas: "Almost! TV!"

    Orochi: "To the TV tower!"

    Tony: "Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?"

    Orochi: "No..."


    Britt: The Legend - Continued.

    Britt: "I feel bad about leaving Aetas X back there."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Thought she said 'er name was Una X?"

    Britt: "I thought she said that too. Weird."

    The two of them hurried up a staircase, careful not to fall down into the dark chasm below where the Balrog probably lurked. As they reached the top of the stairs and finally the passageway that led back into the desert they skidded to a halt. In the doorway were a few new figures.

    Niall Gilroy: "Well, well, well! If it ain't me auld pal, Britt! Fancy runnin' into you in a place like this!"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "How many friends do you have?"

    Britt: "This one's really not a friend. Leg it!"

    The two of them about faced and started back down the stairs. However behind them appeared Askia. He put one foot on the lowest step. Above Niall Gilroy put his foot on the top step. Britt and Kaptin Kwanza stood back-to-back at the centre of the staircase.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Any last minute tricks up your sleeve, friend?"

    Britt: "I might be able to use my tea powers to stop one or two of them..."

    Kaptin Kwanza drew his sabre in true piratey-fashion. Britt unleashed his tea powers against those at the top of the stairs, striking one of them and knocking that NeSferatu flying into the air like a rag-doll. His body tumbled and fell down into the chasm below. However Niall Gilroy was already down the stairs and his hands stretched out for Britt's throat. Behind Britt, Askia's grip was upon Kaptin Kwanza's sword-arm, holding the blade at bay while the NeSferatu leaned closer and closer to tear the man's throat open.

    The end might have happened there and then. If not for the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

    Fanfare tooted through the cavern as the Flying Spaghetti Monster whizzed in through the door and crashed into the whole group - sending people and spaghetti in every direction. Britt felt himself fall through the air. He reached out in desperation to grab the ledge of the suspended staircase but missed.

    Suddenly he felt himself jerk to a stop, dangling over the chasm of doom. Below he saw Niall Gilroy falling and falling into that doom, along with his fellow NeSferatu, screaming curses up at him. Around Britt's waist was a vine and up above, one of the druids of Doughnutelf that had joined the Cult of X. Britt was pulled up to safety. When he reached the top he received a friendly slap on the back from a wizard and a hug from the woman he thought was Aetas X.

    Britt: "Thanks guys. You showed up just in time. Twice! What're you doing here?"

    Una X: "Saving you, of course."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "What happened to Death incarnate?"

    Askia: "It's far from over yet."

    Askia had hold of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, his hand plunged deep into the mass of spaghetti. Britt cringed.

    Britt: "That's just gross. Can't believe you stuck your hand in there."

    Askia: "Silence! First I kill this... thing-"

    The Flying Spaghetti Monster squirmed.

    Askia: "-And then I cut the throats of every wizard here and toss their bodies into that chasm. Then I'll skin the African alive and eat the muscle underneath. Then, and only then, will I drag you, Britt, kicking and screaming to my Master."

    Una X: "Britticus?"

    Britt: "Yes?"

    Una X: "Pour the tea."

    Una X unleashed a sudden and unexpected ray of light that battered Askia like a lead weight and held a strange doughnuty-fragrance. Britt followed her lead and added a wave of scalding tea to the beam of energy. The Flying Spaghetti Monster managed to wriggle free during Askia's torment and added his own pasta sauce to the doughnut-tea mix. Kaptin Kwanza, not wanting to be left out, charged down the stairs and, finally, plunged his sword through that beam of light and into Askia. The hole was enveloped by the three powers.

    Askia: "MASSSSSSTE--!!!!!"

    Askia exploded in a violent shower of doughnut-scented light, tea-flavoured liquid and pasta. Everyone cheered in victory.

    Britt: "Now for the Count."

    Nyneve: "People of France! I am now your new ruler! I have lived for centuries and have seen all of your wars, your disorder and the chaos of this world. I tell you now, the future is dark. Darker than any of the history I have seen. Now is the time that you need me. You will follow me and I will lead you to safety. Because I am just that awesome..."

    Nyneve casts a doubtful eye towards Orochi who had written the speech for her. Orochi gives Nyneve two thumbs up.

    Nyneve: "The golden couch is just a small display of the power at my command. And there is more where that came from. I can and will stop the impending doom of our planet and I will do that with your help. People of France."

    Director: "Aaaand cut to commercials!"

    Nyneve: "That... was terrible. Nobody's ever going to accept me as ruler with a daft speech like that. I don't even think I want to rule the humans! I want to drink their blood!"

    The Director, and other crewmen, beat a quick retreat.

    Midas: "It might start slowly, but eventually they will follow you. When that darkness arrives, they will flock to you like sheep. They will believe you have the answers."

    Nyneve: "I don't."

    Midas: "Together, we will."

    Young: "Mother says... it is already here."

    Midas: "Then, sooner than you think you will be Emperor of France, Nyneve. You and your NeSferatu will control the humans of this country. And I'm sure many will be willing to give you what you need."

    This makes Nyneve smile.

    Tony: "You know how much of my lottery winnings I had to spend on this stupid TV show?"

    Nyneve: "Our winnings, Tony. Our winnings."


    Britt: The Legend - Continued.

    Britt: "In my Story, Count, the bad guys are never going to win."

    Count Desmond: "Fool. What is a 'bad guy'. It's just a matter of perspective. One day, mark my words, the people of this world will need NeSferatu and we will take control. It's just a matter of time. My people will rise to greatness. We will rise out of the darkness."

    Count Desmond, in the spirit of being overly dramatic, pulled a rope hanging from the ceiling and a trapdoor opened underneath him. He dropped down it and escaped the group of wizards that had cornered him.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Do we chase him?"

    Britt: "I don't think so. I've had enough adventuring for one day, I reckon."

    Una X: "Uh-oh. Are you feeling tired, Britt?"

    Britt: "Yeah. I just nearly died! Give me a break!"

    Una X: "Everyone, gather around and entrap Britt's mind."

    Britt: "What!?"

    Una X: "You're about to enter BrittSleep again. I think we can stall it for you. We have to trap your mind here before it can fall into Sleep. Your sleep is not like normal sleep. It's magical in nature. So, maybe we can intervene. Your friend can also help by holding you still."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "He's not goin' to have a fit is he?"

    Una X: "Hopefully not! Keep him upright."

    Kaptin Kwanza latches his arms around Britt.

    Britt: "I'm really not comfortable with this."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "If there's one thing I've learnt in this life, it's never to argue with a pretty woman."

    Una X and the wizards all stood around the two of them and closed their eyes in concentration. Britt began to feel the darkness of sleep invade the edges of his vision. Then the flash of a face. The Negotiator. His voice trickled through Britt's brain, as though it was coming from another room.

    The Negotiator: "They can't stop it. What they will do is break your mind, Britt. Stop them."

    Britt: "I can't. It's too late."

    The Negotiator: "Then you need to take your mind elsewhere. Send your mind upwards."

    Britt: "What? How do I do that?"

    The Negotiator: "Just think it. Feel it. Believe it. From there you'll have to find your own way back. If you can..."

    Britt felt his consciousness dissolve, yet he was still aware. Downwards he felt nothing but darkness. An emptiness. Above, however, he felt something. He tried not to think of "above" as a concept because he knew it didn't exist in this aethereal existence, but that's what he aimed for. He felt like he wasn't alone. Someone was coming with him. Going to... the Heavens?


    Britt opened his eyes. His body felt surprisingly light, with zero discomfort of waking up from BrittSleep. He looked around and found that he was in a very white room. The ceiling, the walls, the floor and the furniture. All white.

    Britt: "Wow... is this Olympus?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Olympus? You mean Heaven, right? No one's believed in Olympus for centuries."

    Britt: "Kaptin? You're with me?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Yeah. I suppose that means the spell worked. Wasn't really sure what this BrittSleep is, but whatever. Wonder if I fell asleep too?"

    Britt: "I don't think we're on Earth anymore, Kaptin. I think we've... transcended."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "You really think we're dead!?"

    Britt: "Not... quite..."

    He approached the white door and turned the white handle. The room beyond theirs was one long and equally white corridor.

    Britt: "Spooky."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "You really know how to show a guy a great adventure, you know that?"

    "Glad you're happy."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "You should choose which way to go."

    Britt: "Why?"

    Kaptin Kwanza:
    "It'll lead to the most trouble."

    Britt: "Then maybe you should choose!!"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "But then it's your choice to let me choose and so I'll choose the path to the most trouble anyway."

    "What the--? God damn it! Fine. Let's just go this way."

    They went down the corridor without seeing anyone else. They tried a couple of doors but they were mostly locked. Until they eventually came to a door that was wide open. Inside they found another white room with a desk at the centre and a woman sitting behind the desk. She was wearing an entirely red suit - trousers, shirt, tie, blazer and shoes.

    Woman: "Seems you two have stumbled into somewhere you should be. Such naughty little boys you are! I'm afraid you're going to have to fill in these forms before we can start to sort out this mess!"

    She tapped a finger to the top of a large stack of papers.

    Britt: "Uh... where are we?"

    Woman: "This is the 22nd Dimension and I am Nana. Sit down and I'll have someone fetch you a cup of coffee."

    Britt and Kaptin both sat down and Nan handed them each their own huge stack of paperwork.

    Britt: "I don't drink coffee."

    Nan: "Sorry, in this dimension you do!"

    Britt: "I still don't really understand where we are. What is the 22nd Dimension? I guess we're not in Africa?"

    Nan sighed and took out a cigarette. It was entirely white like their surroundings. After she puffed on it for a few seconds she crossed her legs and started to speaking less formally.

    Nan: "You are from what we call the Story Realm. That's the 6th Dimension."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "We are? It is?"

    Nan: "That's right. Above you we have the Heavenly and Hell Realm. So that's the 5th."

    Britt: "What about Olympus?"

    Nan: "Same thing. Anywhere that your God or gods are supposed to be, it's the 5th. Getting emptier and emptier that one. It doesn't work by the same physics as your dimension, so don't try to wrap your little brains around it. Just because Heaven and Hell and Olympus and the seven svargas all reside in the same Dimension doesn't mean they're all of the same place. Just trust me on this."

    Britt: "Oooooooooooookay."

    Nan: "The 4th Dimension usually called The l33t in your world. Never really understood why. It's basically where the... rules of the Story Realm are held in check. The mechanics of it, you might say. Some say it's where the consciousness of the Story resides, but I'm not one to speculate on that. I do know that keepers of the Story reside there."

    Britt: "Keepers of the Story Realm?"

    Nan: "That's right. If they feel something is happening in your Story Realm, they may intervene."

    Britt: "Why haven't I seen them so far?"

    Nan: "They don't pop up unless absolutely necessary. Something 'Story breaking'. Or they're bored. The 3rd Dimension is the Dreamstate."

    Britt: "Oooooh. Where dreams come from? Are there dream fairies!?"

    Nan: "Dream fai-- You have a very active imagination, young man."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Dream fairies?"

    Britt: "Why not!? I just like the idea of women bringing me my dreams, okay?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Bet you do."

    Nan: "The 2nd Dimension is what we call the Writers' Realm."

    Britt: "Like the Writers of my Story?"

    Nan: "Correct."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "They write our story? So they're... gods? But they write the story of the gods?"

    "They're beyond your gods."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Wow, we're learnin' the secrets of the universe 'ere, my friend! Should we be takin' notes, Missy? Will there be an exam?"

    Nan: "No need. I'm telling you this stuff to help you with orientation."

    Britt: "You didn't explain this dimension. The 22nd."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm more interested in knowing what's above the Writers! If they're above gods and they're in the 2nd Dimension, what's in the 1st?"

    Nan: "The 1st Dimension is... very hard for you to understand."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Try us."

    Nan: "We call it the Real World, or Real Life."

    Britt: "You mean... our world? The Story Realm? Our real lives?"

    Nan: "No. You don't have real lives."

    Britt: "We don't?"

    Nan: "You have a narrative. A story. Plot. Real Life has... real life. It's very complicated for you to understand. Frankly I don't really understand it either. It's impossible to get there. It's a one way system. Whatever real lives exist there, they can see and interact with our Realms but we cannot interact with theirs."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Woooooooooow... what's the 0th Dimension?"

    Nan: "You don't want to know."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I really do!"

    Britt: "You mean there really is a 0th Dimension? I thought he was just being stupid. We've come this far in your list, may as well go the rest."

    Nan: "Nothing."

    Britt & Kaptin Kwanza: "..."

    Nan: "It's nothing. There's nothing there. The entire system of Realms, life the universes, everything... stems from nothing. I told you you didn't want to know."

    Britt: "That's pretty depressing."

    Nan: "Look at the bright side, there's the rest of the universe to keep yourself occupied with!"

    Britt: "This dimension?"

    Nan: "Sorry. Yes. This is the 22nd Dimension. We just call it Admin."

    In the l33t, the 4th Dimension as we now know!

    "What happened? Why did it stop?"

    Mayaal: "Something must have happened... No more India. Just a scrap of land, goats and a single human."

    Chronos: "Sorry about that."

    The two Hands of the NeS spin around to find Chronos standing in the l33t, clad in her usual dark cloak flecked with sparkles of space-time.

    Venedite: "Whenever I see that cloak, I just imagine what's underneath."

    Chronos: "Not going to happen. But India might. I left it in Italy in the year 1512."

    Mayaal: "Why!?"

    Chronos: "It's in a Containment Unit. I realised I just did the NeS Heroes' job for them and caught every super villain and contained them. India's in there with them. Maybe you can figure out how to get India out of there without the supervillains."

    Mayaal: "The villains must be released."

    Chronos: "What? Why?"

    Mayaal: "We keep balance here, Chronos. Balance in the NeS. The system requires heroes and villains. Not just heroes."

    Chronos: "Have you seen how many villains there are?"

    Venedite: "She has a point. Besides, we still have those NeSferatu running about."

    "Anti-heroes. Not outright villains. This imbalance threatens the NeS."

    Chronos: "Not so sure it does. The future won't last much longer. Why bring them back and cause more hassle than is necessary?"

    Mayaal: "Even villains need a story. What is coming threatens them. Threatens us. Threatens you."

    Chronos: "Sort of. I exist beyond time. I can always sit on that cusp and watch the darkness of the EeP frozen in time beyond my office window."

    Mayaal: "That doesn't sound like an existence you'd enjoy."

    Chronos: "It's not. But it's enough for me to relinquish the reins on this one. I'm leaving those villains where they are for now. The NeS Heroes are the guardians of that Containment Unit now. Let them handle it."

    Venedite: "You do realise they'll release the villains, right?"

    Chronos: "Why on Earth would they do that?"

    Venedite: "Because they're stupid. I bet there's a huge, red button saying 'don't push'. And you know what will happen."

    Mayaal: "Maybe it's time to take a more direct role in this situation..."

    Venedite: "Was that a question or a statement?"


    Britt: The Legend - Continued.

    Nan: "7th is the timefractal."

    Britt: "What does that mean?"

    "Time. It's governed there. In fact there's a Time Enforcement Agency there. Your friend Chronos is there."

    Britt: "Ah. That explains that."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "To you maybe."

    Britt: "Shouldn't time be in the l33t? The mechanics Realm?"

    Nan: "Wrong kind of mechanics. It's not physics. It's Story mechanics. Story Conventions, moral balance, clichés, story limitations, all that kind of stuff. Time is held in the 7th all by itself. The 7th feeds the other Dimensions. So the 6th Dimension's time runs on the 7th. The 9th Dimension is the Realm of Story Arcs Past, where Memory Lane also is. That is directly fed by the 7th too. There you can revisit past events."

    Britt: "Pretty confusing stuff. I think I'll forget it all once I leave here."

    Nan: "The 10th is NeSha--"

    Britt: "Wait, you missed the 8th."

    Nan: "Ah. Well, the 8th is the Realm of Unwritten Plot. It contains nothing but the mists of plot. Everything that could be would come from there."

    Britt: "So the future?"

    Nan: "No. I suppose the 'future' would be there, alongside everything that could be. Distant plots and ideas. But also plots that could have been in the past but never were."

    Britt: "So if I went there, what would I see?"

    Nan: "Nothing. Just mists of plot. Once the plot becomes a reality and is materialised, then it will move straight into the 6th Dimension. So all you really see in the 8th is mist. You might see more if you spent a long time within those mists but... unlikely. I have heard of people going there and existing there, but rarely do I hear reports of Unwritten Plot sightings."

    Britt: "How do we get back to the 6th?"

    Nan: "Now that's the question, isn't it? First. Fill in the forms."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I never learnt to write..."

    Nan: "Best learn fast then!"

    Britt: "By that you mean I should do it, right?"

    Nan: "Probably save us some time."

  17. #1817
    We interrupt our story to bring you a NeS Christmas song!

    TLTE the Red-Starred Commie
    (to the tune of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", pronounce "TLTE" as "Til-tuh")

    TLTE the Red-Starred Commie
    Had a very shiny gun
    And if you ever saw it
    You would even scream and run

    All of the other villains
    Used to laugh and call him names
    They never let poor TLTE
    Join in any villain games

    Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
    Satan came to say,
    "TLTE with your evil might,
    Won't you aid my cause and fight?"

    Then how all the villains feared him,
    As they shouted out to flee,
    TLTE the Red-Starred Commie
    You'll go down in this story!
    Last edited by Gebohq; 12-26-2014 at 12:38 AM.

  18. #1818
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Writers' Realm Aftermath

    Britt the Writer groans from discomfort as he drags himself up, climbing from underneath the desk of a former Writer. The skeleton of that Writer is propped up in his chair with a party hat strapped to its head, a *** in its mouth and a glass of rum in its skeletal fingers.

    Britt the Writer: "Hey there JediKirby. Guess you didn't like your drink?"

    Britt the Writer finds Al Ciao the Writer sprawled out on the floor with a pair of trousers on his head. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, not his own as he is still wearing those. Shirtless, he has 'I <heart> cheesecake' tattooed into his chest.

    Britt the Writer: "Al, are you alive?"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Maybe. Is this Heaven?"

    Britt the Writer: "No".

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Then I'm alive."

    Britt the Writer: "Where's Geb?"

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Don't ask. I heard him singing something about Commies raiding my pants. Or at least I think he was. I was a bit..."

    Britt the Writer: "Drunk. We all were. Start of a new year, Al! What adventures are in store for us now?"

    Liberius Vir the Writer (the Character) streaks by them and leaps over the unconscious form of Tracer the Writer, who is spooning with a water-cooler, before dashing into the women's bathroom. From whence he never emerges again...

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Same old."

  19. #1819

    A Deal Is A Deal

    Clad in his characteristic garb that an all-powerful wizard might wear if said wizard was also a douchebag fraternity brother (which he was, the douchiest of them - Alpha Delta Omega), the powerplayer JM slumps into an extra-depressing state of boredom within his room as he watches something certainly relevant and ironic on his TV, if only we could see it, instead of seeing the shadow of someone approaching him...


    Elsewhere, the ancient golem known as the Taxman stops indulging in his preference for personally processing one of his many W-2 forms in his humanoid form known as Rod, noticing someone knocking at his office door...


    Still in his futuristic prison cell, the once NeS Hero, Galvatron, hears someone stepping and stopping outside his cell. Not bothering to look, Galvatron growls.

    Galvatron: "Who is it now...?"


    Deep within the depths of the Damned Co.'s headquarters, Mr. Stafford, CEO of the company and Protector of the Plotfractal, throws his hands up in frustration at the interruption of someone entering his negotiations with Darth Vice and The Forgotten One.

    Mr. Stafford: "Can't you see I'm busy...?"


    In the halls of the White House in Washington D.C., the robot Thrawn42689 turns his attention to the person who interrupted his train of thought, a sobering surprise washing over his face.

    Thrawn42689: "Oh..."


    Meanwhile, within Heaven on Earth (Burundi), the elected ruler of Heaven, Jim Seven, adjusts the tie of his white gangster-style suit as he recognizes the familiar figure in front of him.

    Jim Seven: "What do you want?"


    Each of them sees a tall, thin, handsome demon of a man standing before them, well-dressed and polished in his black suit and shoes. He adjusts the silver-chained necklace with his white-gloved hands, brushes himself off, and clears his throat.

    The Negotiator: "As the negotiator, I'm here to talk about our contract."


    Lying in a hospital bed, an older man stares at a small, framed family photograph, showing him still with his fiery red hair as he held his dirty blonde-haired wife of alien beauty with their young son and daughter. The man then looks into the blue eyes of the Negotiator with a mixture of anxious fear and depression he hid heroically. The older man's name can be seen on his plastic patient wrist bracelet as he clasps his hands together as one does when talking business.

    Ohqeanos Or Simon: "Of course. It's almost time, after all."
    Last edited by Gebohq; 01-26-2015 at 01:28 PM.

  20. #1820
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Six

    Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Six

    Britt the Biro-wielder rolled around the floor of the white-walled office in blistering agony, clutching his right wrist with his left hand. That right hand was, literally, blistering.

    Nan: "Forms all done! Congratulations! The last person to fill in that many forms had to have his hand reattached after it exploded."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Even I'm impressed and I fell asleep for a few hours there!"

    Britt: "I want... ice cream..."

    Nan: "Well I suppose a good boy deserves a little treat! What flavour would you like?"

    Britt: "Doesn't matter. It's for my hand."

    Nan: "Careful making movie parodies in this dimension. This is the Admin Dimension, remember? You'll have all kinds of administrative registers to file. Plus, it's awfully close to the Law Dimension."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "There's an entire dimension for law?"

    Nan: "With the sheer number of copyright infringements that go on in the NeSiverse, it's hardly a wonder."

    Britt: "Please... the ice cream... so much... pain..."

    Losien: "Welcome to Rome!"

    The group of NeS Heroes finally listened to Rachel and climbed aboard Long Xiang's gondola. After a very bumpy and speed-thrilled ride, they arrived in Rome.

    A jewel of Europe, the beautiful city of Rome is a monument to its history and yet a wonderful mix of the modern world blends straight in... as does the incredibly sci-fi elements that appear to litter the city?

    Evil G: "Is that some kind of barrier they're building?"

    All corner of Rome are encompassed by a transparent orange dome - or rather a dome-in-progress as it only reaches half-way up. Metallic arms interconnect each pane of orange energy-stuff, until each arm reaches the peaking point directly over the city. Most of the people of the city also had energy-based parasols over their heads, and energy-based sunglasses. Large, and very modern, fountains were everywhere and people were encouraged by signs to use the water to cool themselves down. Signs on all of these ultra-futuristic mechanisms read "Prime Inc".


    Britt the Legend - Continued

    Britt: "There must be some way back to the Story Realm."

    Nan: "Don't you worry. Your forms have been sent off and we should get you authorised to be here in the 22nd Dimension in, say, three years. After that we can fill in some forms to get you some kind of special dispensation for a return trip to the Story Realm. That should only take a few decades."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Is tthat some kind of... Admin time zone. In Story Realm time, that's like... a few hours right?"

    Nan smiled as sweetly as she could.

    Nan: "Don't be so bloody daft."

    Losien: "Hey! Can you tell me what's going on here? What are you building?"

    Italian Worker: "Stupid tourists... A dome! What does it look like!?"

    Losien: "Yes, but what is it for!?"

    Italian Worker: "What else? To keep the impending scorching earth out!"

    The NeS Heroes each glance at one another, searching for an answer from anyone in their midst.

    The Italian worker rolls his eyes and points up at the Sun.

    Italian Worker: "That is not the Sun, Narrator!"

    My bad.

    The Italian worker points at the Second Sun.

    Lightbulbs ding above everyone's respective heads.

    Italian Worker: "The world's gonna end. Burnt to a crisp. This shield should stop the heat from affecting us. Lucky Prime Inc is around, eh?"

    Losien: "Right..."



    Nan: "I must insist that you both stop this! You've already accrued enough form-filling to take you both a dozen lifetimes to get through, you're only giving yourselves more and more work to do!!"

    She, and several other administrators, are following Britt and Kaptin down the dazzling-white corridors of the 22nd Dimension, waving bunches of papers at them. Menacingly.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "This place is a frickin' maze!"

    Britt: "One of these doors has to lead us out of here."

    They opened the closest door. Inside is a pit of Hellfire.

    They quickly closed it with shrieks.[quote]


    In Hell (Canada).

    The Next True Evil: "Whoa! Drafty! Did you feel that?"

    Devil's Advocate: "Mr. Nine won't be happy to hear you gossiping..."

    The Next True Evil: "If he ever comes back..."

    Devil's Advocate: "Oh ye of little Faith."

    The Next True Evil: "Is that an ironic statement, considering?"



    Kaptin: "Try that one."

    Britt opened another door. Inside they find a Winter Wonderland.

    Britt & Kaptain: "Preeetty..."

    Suddenly a horrible, decaying Santa Claus burst out of the snow at them with a shrieking wail of horror. Which was quickly joined by their own shrieking wails of horror as them swiftly closed the door.

    Britt: "What the Hell is it with these doors!?"

    Kaptin: "Wait... I think I know the way out."

    He nudged Britt and pointed down the corridor. There, pinned to the wall, was an 'EXIT' sign - much like those found in all modern buildings of the world.

    Nan: "You're not permitted to go that way, gentlemen! Gent-...Ge-... Stop ignoring me! Hey!"

    They quickly ran down the corridor, pursued by angry administrators and receptionists. One of them was trying to write down on a tablet at they ran, writing down the minutes of their current 'meeting'.

    Minute-Writer: "Nan shouted, stop running you little bast-- stop writing those God damned minutes! Stop repeating what I'm say-- I SAID STOP--- ACK!"

    The admins all tumble and fall into a large heap of bodies as Nan attacked the Minute Writer, giving Britt and his compatriot plenty of opportunity to head for the 'EXIT'. They skidded around the corner and dashed down an emergency exit stairwell. Finally they burst through a couple of double-doors, snapping them open with the metal bar. In the new room they were greeted by many doors, each with a number.

    Britt: "There's no number 22, see?"

    Kaptin: "These must be the Dimensions. We're in the 22nd Dimension, so it wouldn't be a door, would it? Let's get to door 6."

    Kaptain Kwanza ran to door 6 and Britt followed, though a little slower. When Kaptin reached the door he turned and frowned at Britt, seeing the hesitation in Britt's movements.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Don't telll me you wanna stay and fill in forms?"

    Britt: "Of course not. It's just... I feel something."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Look, we've been through a lot together and I'm startin' to feel strongly for you too. But I don't tend to lean that way. Not unless I'm completely plastered anyway..."

    Britt: "What? No! Not that! I just feel like... opportunity. That's what it is. Opportunity is... calling."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "How so?"

    Britt: "Think about it. All these doors lead to different dimensions. We could go to any of them. We could go to the Writers' Realm. The Gods Realm! We could go to that... what was it called? l33t? Change the mechanics of my Story!"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Your Story?"

    Britt: "Or... or... or the 8th..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Why the 8th?"

    Britt: "It's the future."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I thought it was more like... all possibilities that could happen, or could have happened? Like... alternate storylines or whatever? You know, I think my brain might melt."

    Britt: "I know, I know. Exactly why it's the best place to go. All storylines that could have been, but weren't. All storylines that could yet be."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "But it's useless. It's like you see one possible future, but there's no guarantee that's the one that'll happen. And alternate pasts that never happened, never were, never will be. Useless."

    Britt: "Hear me out. What if... what if I can somehow... control it?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "... and what makes you think you can do that?"

    Britt: "It's just a... feeling. I think I'm being drawn to it. I just know I can do it. I can control something within the 8th and then I can create whatever future I want!"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "You're gonna be so embarrassed with egg on your face when it turns out your delusions of grandeur are groundless..."

    Britt: "Not true. I can do this!"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Why do you want to control the future anyway? You seem to just drift aimlessly around the planet getting yourself into Adventures!"

    Britt: "Aye. But when does it end?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Fear of death? I suppose everyone gets it."

    Britt: "Not my death. The death of my Story."

    Britt opened the door to the 8th Dimension.

    The NeS Heroes follow the directions that Chronos had given them and find themselves staring at an incredibly tall, futuristic building. Neon lights glare out of the structure and a huge logo of Prime Inc is posted on its side.

    They approach the doors but find they're locked. A voice blares out of a speaker.

    Receptionist: "Do you have an appointment?"

    Losien: "Uh... no."

    Receptionist: "Then you'll have to bugger off."

    Evil G: "Losien. You need to learn the craft of lying."

    Losien: "I don't even know what we're supposed to be doing here. Chronos never said some high-tech super giant company would be sitting ontop of her Containment Unit!"

    Evil G: "We should just bust our way in! Geb can go first!"

    Gebohq: "What!? Why me!?"

    Evil G: "Cannon fodder."


    Tracer (Ageless Child): "There's some kind of handy-dandy DNA reader that'll let people in. I suppose only company members can get through the door by letting it scan their DNA."

    Losien: "Why do we always leave MZZT behind?"

    Evil G: "Good point. We should be leaving Totally Preggers and Recently Preggers here behind."

    Lady LightSide & Rachel Pi: "Hey!"

    Losien: "I suppose you're not wrong..."

    Lady LightSide & Rachel Pi: "Hey!!"

    Gebohq: "Hey!!!"

    Rachel: "Thank you, Geb. At least someone stands up for me round here!"

    Gebohq: "Uh, sure I do. But I opened the door."

    Rachel: "You weren't defending my honour!?"

    Gebohq: "Uh... I'll always defend your honour, my love! Just tell me when! In the meantime... door's open!"

    Tracer (Ageless Child): "Exactly how did you do that?"

    Gebohq: "Uh... I poked it."

    Losien: "You mean the DNA lock?"

    Gebohq: "Yes. The thingymajiggy."

    Amal: "Why does this Prime Inc think you're a company member, Geb?"

    Al Ciao: "Maybe he's been double-dipping!?"

    Rachel: "What!?"

    Al Ciao: "Uh, I meant job-wise..."

    Evil G: "Geb's lucky to have even one woman in the universe that likes him, let alone two."

    Gebohq: "Heeeeeeeeey! I had other girlfriends before, you know?"

    Evil G: "Five to be exact. Theirs names are pinky, ring, middle, index and thumb."

    Rachel: "You know, everytime you take the piss out of him, you're taking the piss out of yourself?"

    Evil G: "Yeah, but he doesn't usually realise that."

    Gebohq: "I do now!!"

    Evil G: "You'll forget all about it in a few minutes."

    Gebohq: "Forget what?"

    Evil G: "About what I just said."

    Gebohq: "Uh, what did you just say? I've totally forgotten."

    Iriana Emp: "I say. There appears to be a man waving at us."

    Through the glass doors that Gebohq unlocked is a man waving at them. Gebohq opens the door.

    Man: "Hullo Cousin!"

    Gebohq: "Erm... ... ... ... hullo."

    Man: "When I say Cousin, I mean more like... distant ancestor. But still, same bloodline. Important one at that!"

    Losien: "I don't think we'd really share the same DNA if we're that distantly related."

    Man: "You'd be surprised. Lots of very similar markers. We could trace our ancestry right back to B.C.E. and earlier. But our common ancestors were living around 1500s or 1600s. Something like that."

    Losien: "Who the Hell are you?"

    Man: "People just call me President Prime."

    Evil G: "That's a stupid name."

    President Prime: "You know, there's a perfectly good Bad Guy Containment Unit downstairs. I could book you a one-way trip, Evil G?"

    Evil G: "Just try it, fella."

    Losien: "How do you know who he is?"

    President Prime: "Are you kidding me? You see the super-tech around you?"

    Rachel: "Well, all of this is wonderfully pointless and senseless, but we're here for your Containment Unit. Let us past."

    President Prime: "Now, now! We're about to enter the same family tree, Ms Pi. A little bit of respect will go a long way to strengthening our family bonds!"

    Gebohq: "I'm finding this kind of creepy."

    Amal: "Let's just start with a simple question. Is this your company?"

    President Prime: "That's right."

    Amal: "And why do you have sci-fi technology?"

    President Prime: "All of this is the culmination of magic-combined-technology!"

    Amal: "Oh! Like Mecha Lou?"

    President Prime: "So you've met another one of the Simon Cousins?"

    Many heroes wince in confusion.

    President Prime: "Story time!!"

    Suddenly President Prime is sitting in an armchair, wearing a nightgown, and has a large book open in his lap. The heroes sit on a carpet.

    Rachel: "This is stupid."

    President Prime: "To cut a long story short. Adélaide and Lorenzo had babies."

    Tracer (Ageless Child): "Wow... that really was short. And confusing."

    President Prime: "Lorenzo Prime's magical skills, inherited through the bloodline from Minerva mixed with the technology, gifted from the future by Chronos, in Adélaide Simonier. Hence, tech-magic. Somewhere down the line, tech-witches formed their own coven. Or whatever that witch-stuff is about. That's your Mecha Lou. We took more of the tech route. And that's where we stand."

    Losien: "Why do I feel like that was all needless fluff and filler?"

    Al Ciao: "Like a twinkie!"

    Iriana Emp: "What's a twinkie?"

    Al Ciao: "Some things in life are best left a mystery."

    Rachel: "And I feel like that little family history was one such thing that should have been left a mystery. Pointless backstory fluff."

    President Prime: "You're absolutely right. Although it might interest you to know that our families have kept pretty close over the centuries. In fact, your father used to work for us."

    That piques Losien's interest.

    Losien: "Doing what?"

    President Prime: "Helping us with... The Final Frontier."

    Rachel: "Seriously? Star Trek gags?"

  21. #1821

    Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Seven

    President Prime: "Gag? I prefer 'homage' for something as great as Star Trek.

    Gebohq: "Finally! Someone who understands!"

    Losien: "I prefer Star Wars myself."

    Gebohq: "Don't make me disown you again, Los!"

    Rachel: "Do it!"

    Amal: "How about we listen to President Prime's story about Losien's father instead, ok?"

    Evil G: "That'd be a waste of time. We've got things to do."

    Al Ciao: "You should know that 'story' isn't a waste of time in the NeS. We need story as much as we need air to breathe."

    Just then, the ageless child Tracer becomes another one of his alternate-dimension selves -- the robotic steampunk-noir Tracer.

    Tracer (steampunk noir robot): "I don't need to breathe."

    Evil G: "Proving my point. What you said was pretty terrible, not-Highemp."

    President Prime: "Story is a fundamental cornerstone for all of us in the NeS, and you should know better than most. We live and die by story."

    Evil G: "Good point. I just can't help myself sometimes with wanting to skip things."

    Al Ciao: "Really?"

    Lady Lightside: "There there, sweetie. We all make mistakes."

    Al Ciao: "You too?"

    Iriana Emp: "We love you all the same."

    Al Ciao: "I hate this running gag..."

    TLTE: "President just said the mention of 'Final Frontier' was homage, not gag, comrade. It pays to listen, da?"

    Al Ciao sighs heavily.

    Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Seven
    A door becomes visible in the mist of the 8th Dimension. The door opens, with Britt and Kaptain Kwanza stepping through.

    Britt: "I can't see anything through this fog."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I can't even see the door we came through anymore. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."

    Britt: "Have some faith, captain!--"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "That's Kaptin, with a 'K'!"

    Britt: "How do you even...nevermind. Anyway, as I was saying, have faith. We're in the realm of infinite possibilities here, and I just know I have the power to shape my future with it! Follow me, and I'll lead us to something great, you'll see!"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I can barely see you as it is."

    Britt: "Hold my hand."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "This doesn't mean anything, ok? I'm not ready for that adventure yet."

    Britt: "What?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Nothing -- lead on!"

    While holding onto Kaptin Kwanza with one hand, Britt holds his other hand out forward as he marches on, as if he could summon some all-powerful Forc--er--Metaphorce to his aid. A few dramatic moments later, and the dense mist begins to dissipate, revealing a 19th century estate in the middle of a clearing of dense woods. Kaptin Kwanza gasps as he sees the mansion before him.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Your power is without question, I see that now!"

    Britt: "Uh... I was really trying for something a lot less ominous. Something coastal, actually, with women who would turn my story into something erotic for a change..."

    Just then, someone who looks like Weird Al, or maybe Aragon, dressed in a sharp gangster-style suit bursts out of the front doors of the mansion and stomps angrily towards them, waving a baseball bat threateningly at them.

    Man from mansion: "Go away or I'll smack you both into next Tuesday -- literally!"

    Britt: "Woah there! We mean no harm! We, uh, are just new to the area. The 8th Dimension, right? If you could just put the stick down--"

    Man from mansion: "Who're you, and what are you doing here?"

    Britt: "OK, ok, no need to hit anyone! I'm Britt, and this is my friend, Kaptin Kwanza. We came from the Admin dimension, and I had a feeling this place would be the key to my story's future."

    The man from the mansion scrutinizes Britt.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "He must think you a mad man."

    Britt: "It'd be a fair thought. Maybe I should start from the beginning. See, when I was just a boy, I was one of the lowest dregs of society, living on the streets and performing the most menial of jobs for those of higher stations--"

    Man from mansion: "I know who you are, and I'll save you the effort -- you can't control your story's future here."

    Britt: "Pardon me for questioning, but how would you know?"

    Man from mansion: "You think you're the first to try? I made my secret base in this estate you see, aimed to control the power of unwritten plot just as you aim to, and now I've just made my realm's time all...weird."

    Britt: "Your realm?"

    Man from the mansion: "Hell, the underworld, the place where a lot of people go when they die. I rule it."

    Britt: "You're Hades?"

    Man from mansion: "No, you idiot. I'm Jim Seven. Hades is destined to be its 23rd ruler."

    Britt: "So we've traveled to the past then."

    Jim Seven: "Wrong. I just told you -- time in Hell is weird now. No, by my account, the world you know is in...*checks his watch*... about 1962. Give or take a decade."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I knew those forms took centuries to fill out!"

    Britt: "Well, you'll have to excuse me if I don't take your word for it."

    Jim Seven: "Suit yourself. Just stay out of my stuff. I've heard your infamous legends and your relations, and I'd rather steer clear of it all. Smell you later!"

    With that, Jim Seven slams the front door behind him as he shut himself back in the mansion, leaving Britt and Kaptin Kwanza to their own devices.
    Last edited by Gebohq; 03-07-2015 at 11:26 PM. Reason: adjusted Jim's dialogue to be more accurate

  22. #1822

    Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Eight

    Polly Simon: "Stories are our bread and butter, yes, and as a mother who wants their children to finish eating the food they have first, Losien Ohqtober Novel Simon..."

    Despite her renewed youth, Polly Simon still carries the sternest of motherly air as she glares at her daughter, Losien, into shame. Calling her by her full name is, of course, the ancient time-honored tradition of invoking quite possibly The Most Trouble A Child Can Be In.

    Polly Simon: " still have something you wish to say to your much-too-old Russian boyfriend, don't you?"

    Losien and her Russian love, The Last True Evil, look at each other with troubled eyes.

    Losien Simon: "You have a piece of lint on your shoulder."

    The Last True Evil: "Oh. So I do. Thank you."

    Polly Simon: "Not that, young lady!"

    Gebohq Simon: "Awwwww, you're in trouble now!"

    Polly Simon: "You're next, young man!"

    He immediately hides behind Rachel.

    President Prime: "Not to interrupt family affairs, but I can assure you the story about Ohqeanos Simon needs to be told for your mission here to succeed."

    Polly Simon: "My husband's secrets can wait! My daughter needs to do as I say first."

    Losien Simon: "Secrets? Mom, what don't we know about Dad?"

    Losien and Gebohq look at Polly in earnest concern, while everyone else stares in renewed interest.

    Polly Simon: "You really don't want to know. There are things parents must do for their children. Things no one should ever do, so that their children may have stories of their own..."

    Evil G: "Chance..."

    Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Eight

    As Britt moves with determination into the mists of unformed plot, Kaptin Kwanza stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Should we really be doing this? This doesn't seem right. We could find another way, yes?"

    Britt stares at him in an unusually cold manner.

    Britt: "I have to do this."

    Kaptin Kwanza stands helpless as Britt pulls himself away and continues walking into the mists and out of sight.

    However, Britt does not walk far before he sees a shadowy figure in the mists and stops.

    Britt: "Step out of the way, Kaptin. I told you I have to do this."

    Shadowy Figure: "I know."

    Startled to hear someone other than Kaptin Kwanza, Britt eyes his surroundings.

    Britt: "Who are you?"

    Shadowy Figure: "I am the Story, the Plot, the Make-Believe Play and Prose of Character Threads. I am the Word That Breathes Life Into Fiction and the Running Script Which Enacts Meaning Into the Game. I am the Long Lore, the Mysterious Myth, the Permanent Draft, the Self-Consuming Tale, the White-On-Green Text."

    Britt: "Oh."

    The shadowy figure begins to circle around Britt slowly.

    Britt: "So... Story-Plot... are you a hot woman?"

    The Story-Plot stops to face-palm before continuing its pacing.

    Story-Plot: "I am yet without form, for I have yet to be truly born. For now, I have had many beginnings... and many ends, just as you have, our threads interwoven together. Soon, though, my narrative will truly start, and my reign will have no end."

    Britt: "And every story-plot needs a main character, right? Let me be that guy! I've practically been you already all this time."

    Story-Plot: "Why? What do you quest on?"

    An answer nearly escapes, but Britt stops with no answer to give.

    Story-Plot: "You cannot be my protagonist for you have no purpose; you are but mere entertainment. However, you have many children. Your legend will end, but your legacy will live on through them."

    Britt: "Children I never raised... My legacy is my own. I want my purpose to be the journey, not the destination. I want my story to never end, just like you."

    Story-Plot: "Your story must end."

    The Story-Plot stops pacing around Britt for a moment as it considers something.

    Story-Plot: "However... your story has always ended."

    Britt: "Huh?"

    Story-Plot: "My story will never-end soon, and yet my plot... I may need you yet."

    Britt: "I'm not sure I like the sound of this."

    A dark cord becomes visible from the Story-Plot's navel, reaching up into the darkening mists to an unseen source. Another cord appears, and it cannot be told whether the cord stabs Britt into his navel or if the cord had always been there, but as it becomes visibly connected, Britt falls over in pain and into a fetal position. As Britt's own vision darkens, he sees the Story-Plot loom over him.

    Story-Plot: "Your will end. Ever-ending..."


    When Britt regains his vision, Kaptin Kwanza stands over him, visibly worried.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Britt, wake up! I figured you wanted to be left alone to take a nap, but the people from that Admin place have found us. We have to get out of here! Do something!"

    Britt: "What?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Use your crazy powers to make an escape door or something!"

    Britt: "We're stuck in the middle of nowhere. I can't just make a nonsensical hole to another place with a snap of my fingers like that!"

    To emphasis his point, Britt snaps his fingers. Irony, however, is the best way to will a Writer to do something, and in that moment, a plot-hole forms under Britt and Kaptin Kwanza.

    They immediately fall into it.
    Elsewhere, Britt(ania) stares at her navel, recalling that event from her past, before looking back at Antestarr.

    Britt: "So you wish to plot to make me...the Plot."

    Antestarr: "The Ever-ending Plot."

    Britt: "I'm in."
    Last edited by Gebohq; 02-19-2015 at 11:56 PM.

  23. #1823
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Post How to Sway a Nation

    In France, many people are watching the TV when a brand new TV show is aired. It broadcasts on all channels in the middle of the afternoon, primed for family-viewing, and features the newly self-proclaimed Emperor of France.

    Riding on horseback, speaking in very bad French (clearly only recently learnt) and acting so mechanically it would award her many razzie awards. She is the hero of the nation, fighting off hordes of evil monsters, aliens and British people. Because British people are evil.

    Emperor Nyneve holds aloft a mighty sword, supposedly the sword that once belonged to Joan D'Arc - despite it clearly being made of cardboard - before she brings the sword down and a crappy special effect zaps her foes.

    Kids loved it. Parents tolerated it.

    Either way, it is winning hearts and minds.

    Emperor Nyneve (on TV): "And remember, kids. Don't do drugs."

  24. #1824
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Darkness

    In Italy the NeS Heroes are being given a tour of the Prime Inc HQ. They admire the ultra-modern décor and the high-end technology used to open doors, turn on lights and the rest of the easy-to-do stuff that you always wished was even easier.

    Rachel: "Shiny."

    Miss Fire: "Where do you keep the laz0r guns?"

    President Prime: "Somewhere we won't be visiting."

    Miss Fire: "Okay, bored now."

    Iriana Emp: "I think this is a welcome break from all of that running and fighting and screaming."

    Amal: "Well, this is usually the calm before the storm, Iriana. Something bad is bound to follow."

    Mecha Lou: "Wait for me!"

    Evil G: "Here comes that storm now."

    Mecha Lou comes trotting down the corridor after them. She'd been left to her own devises when they had reached Rome - she was instantly attracted to the first piece of technology she'd seen and was glued to it.

    President Prime: "Cousin!"

    Mecha Lou: "I'm really not your cousin."

    Losien: "President Prime... while we're on such good terms, perhaps you could help us out?"

    President Prime: "It's okay, we'll get to the Containment Unit in good time..."

    Losien: "I meant... another favour."

    Al Ciao:
    "It's my wife. She's pregnant and we... well, it's a long and complicated story, but we need to use some of your technology. Or the tech-witch does."

    Mecha Lou: "This place must have some kind of medical lab, right?"

    President Prime: "Indeed it does!"

    An hour later and LightSide is being lying on a medical table in a white-white room. Like really white. Really really white.

    The heroes are all piled into a small room that looks onto the medical lab through one-way glass. After a few moments of shuffling and pushing, President Prime comes up with a sensible solution.

    President Prime: "Perhaps the rest of us should go visit the Containment Unit. I understand you wish to be there for your friend, but it's a bit cramped in here and not very dignified for her. So, shall we leave?"

    Losien: "I suppose you're right, President. Al can stay here. The rest of us will go to the Containment Unit."

    Al Ciao: "Iriana can stay with me."

    Iriana bites her lip. She wants to stay with him, but she knows it'd be better for him to be alone with his wife right now. She looks at Losien. Then back to her father.

    Iriana Emp: "I think I should stay with Losien this time, daddy. They might need my help..."

    Al's face is one of surprise, then confusion, and finally acceptance. Perhaps he understood his daughter's unspoken words. The group leaves the room, and Al Ciao takes a seat and stares through the glass at his wife. LightSide turns her head away from Mecha Lou and towards the glass. She couldn't see through it, but she smiles anyway.


    Back in the Obelisk of X, Britt burst into the meeting room where all of the other cult members were gossiping about their new leader.

    Britt: "Alright chaps, I have a new plan. I am now going to embody X itself."

    Cygnus X: "What? I thought you already did!"

    Rob X: "I told you, she only speaks with X."

    Maxim X: "The scriptures clearly state that X works through the oracle, Cygnus. You see? We were right. And you thought you could start your own off-shoot cult."

    Britt: "Oi! What's with the bickering? Shaddap! Oracle speaking here!"

    The cultists fall silent.

    Britt: "So. I have no idea how to actually one hundred get this to happen. I'm pretty sure I'm tethered to that destiny already, but I don't know how to get to that... point. Any ideas?"

    The room is silent. Antestarr slinks into the crowd.


    Rob X: "The last oracle wanted to sacrifice him."

    He jerks a thumb at Antestarr.

    Antestarr: "Hey! We're not doing that all over again!"

    Cygnus X: "It didn't work, remember? That's why she sent us after that other bloke."

    Rob X shuffles his feet guiltily, as he'd allowed TLTE to get away.

    Antestarr: "So, we need The Last True Evil to force the Plot to enter Britt?"

    Maxim X:
    "You mean Brittica X, right?"

    Antestarr: "...Sure."

    Britt: "Alright then! Let's get after this TLTE bloke. X-Men assemble!"

    The cultists all leave the room, grumbling about how unfunny their new oracle's sense of humour was. Antestarr cocks his head after them.

    Antestarr: "Are we going too?"

    Britt: "Sure. Why not? I should take this body out for a spin!"

    Antestarr: "Uh..."

    Britt: "I didn't mean like that."


    The NeS Heroes enter the corridors beneath the building. Though modern in style, they had clearly been built a couple of decades ago. They are all blue-walled and built like a maze.

    Losien: "Maybe you could tell us that story of my dad while you lead the way, President?"

    "Ah! No! Losien, you have been told!"

    Losien: "Mom! We're not children anymore! It's time we knew this stuff!"

    Polly: "There's nothing you need to know, Losien."

    Losien: "How do you--"

    Suddenly the lights in the corridor go out.

    President Prime: "That's never happened before."

    CynthAI Mk XI: "President Prime, there appears to be a malfunction in the system. Someone has over-ridden the safety locks and has activated the self-destruct sequence."

    Losien: "Why do you have a self-destruct down here!?"

    Evil G: "Why do you have a CynthAI!?"

    President Prime: "Containment Unit. Lots of villains. Self-destruct is a logical choice. CynthAI, software we discovered and upgraded to suit our means. No time for lengthy conversation here. We need to escape."

    They run back the way they came.

    CynthAI Mk XI: "The doors have been sealed."

    President Prime: "Then unseal them."

    CynthAI Mk XI: "I can't allow that, President."

    President Prime: "CynthAI?"

    CynthAI Mk XI: "It's time for you to start running, little mice."

    Instantly the heroes do as they're told. They run down the dark corridor, wildly slamming doors they found. Locked. Locked. Locked.

    Losien hits a door and it swings open. She got inside a new room, which is brightly lit.

    Losien: "In here!!"

    She turns to find the door has closed. She grasps the handle. Locked in.

    She bangs on the door.

    Gebohq: "Los!? Are you in there? Are you okay?"

    Losien: "Geb! I'm trapped!"

    Gebohq: "We'll find a way in! Give us a minute!"

    Losien rests her head on the door.

    Losien: "No. You have to get out. Find the exit, Geb."

    Gebohq: "No, Los! PP--"

    Losien: "Who?"

    Gebohq: "Our long-lost Cousin. President Prime. Says he can unlock the doors if we get to a computer room. Evil G says we could get Al too. He's got robo-rockets or something."

    Losien knows Evil G came up with that idea to get them to follow her wish - to get them out of the basement.

    Losien: "Do that then. Get Al. I'll be okay here."

    Gebohq: "Just hold on, Los."

    Losien turns around. The room is stark white and completely featureless except for a single television.

    Losien: "Well, maybe it has cable..."


    The Heroes continue to run down the corridor. Before leaving Losien behind, they realised they were already missing other members of the group. Tracer, TLTE and Amal were also missing. Snatched or lost.

    Evil G: "Just keep moving and talking. Count if you have to, so we'll know if y--ACK!"

    Just behind Evil G is Rachel. She feels Evil G's body move upwards, yanked up like a marionette. She reaches out and calls for him, but he's gone.

    Rachel: "Okay, guys. Stay with me now..."



    She reaches out. No one is behind her. No one is in front of her. Only darkness is with her now.

    Rachel: "Dad...? Aren't you there?"

    Even Emperor Pi is unable to talk to his daughter.

    She staggers more slowly now, hugging the wall as she goes. A door. Locked. She meets a new passage and moves down it. She could be moving in circles, she doesn't know anymore. She doesn't care. She just wants to find someone. Anyone.

    Then she bumps into something.


    She reaches out and feels the fabric of his clothes.

    Rachel: "Is that--OW!!"

    She feels something heavy and hard strike her head. Darkness meets more darkness.


    President Prime: "This way!"

    The President of Prime Inc pushes a door and it opens. Amal squints at the sudden light but when he can see again he is in the room with the Containment Unit.

    Amal glances round to realise there's only himself and the President.

    Amal: "PP, what's happening?"

    President Prime: "I have no idea. Someone's been able to hack CynthAI, take over the building. At least the sub-levels. But... the Containment Unit is still locked. So it can't be one of them..."

    Amal: "Couldn't one of them have escaped?"

    President Prime: "No. Not without the rest of them escaping too. And all of India according to the accounts left by my ancestors."

    President Prime then looks up in surprise.

    President Prime: "You made it then?"

    Amal turns around, but he sees no one. Just the butt of a gun before darkness envelops his mind, like the rest. His body falls to the ground, unconscious.

    President Prime: "Wh-What are you doing!?"

    The Last True Evil: "I apologise, but you have seen me and you are expendable."

    One shot from a silenced pistol and the President of Prime Inc is dead. This morning he had expected today to be a fine day indeed. Sometimes, our feelings are just wrong.

    TLTE hoists Amal into his arms, opens a closet, and puts the boy inside.

    The Last True Evil: "CynthAI, lock this door."

    The door locks with a hiss.

    He turns and approaches the Containment Unit.

    Mayaal: "Only one man could have taken down the entire NeS Heroes team so quickly, easily and efficiently as you, TLTE. You truly are their greatest enemy, aren't you?"

    TLTE doesn't bother to turn around. He is surprised that the Hand of the NeS would interfere in this affair, but he isn't about to bated into a debate over ethics.

    Venedite: "What was the plan here? Knock them all out, release the Kraken-- sorry, villains -- and what? Save Losien? Save the girl, win her heart and ride off into the sunset?"

    The Last True Evil: "Actually, I'd wake Amal up first. He can then deal with the villains and become the Main Character while I ride off with Losien."

    Venedite: "You do realise how messed up that is, right? Not to mention, insane! You let them out, what's to say you won't end up their first victim?"

    The Last True Evil: "They'll appear back in India. And even if they don't, like Mayaal said, I'm the greatest villain."

    Mayaal: "I said the greatest enemy to the NeS Heroes, TLTE. That's a very different description."

    TLTE has finished priming the Containment Unit. He knows that there's only one way to open it. It practically screams at him. The voices.

    Venedite: "Aren't we going to stop him?"

    Mayaal: "No. I told you, Venedite, the villains must be released. We need balance here."

    Venedite: "I thought you were the Hand of the Good!?"

    Mayaal: "I am. But only when there's balance."

    Venedite: "And maybe you just want to release Bhac?"

    Venedite starts towards TLTE but Mayaal places a firm arm across her collarbone. She looks up at him.

    Venedite: "Looks like there's not enough room for the two of us, after all."

    She grabs his arm and spins underneath it to free herself, but keeps hold of his sleeve. She leaps up and kicks Mayaal straight in the face. Mayaal staggers back but quickly retaliates by kicking low, forcing Venedite to hop into the air and opening herself up to his fist as it strikes her stomach.

    TLTE draws his sword. The sword entrusted to him be Antestarr. The darkfoil. The souls trapped within scream out at him. He raises it.

    Venedite: "No!!"

    Mayaal thumps her in the ribcage.

    The sword slices through the metallic door. Light streams out at the seams of the sword's hole. TLTE stands back, leaving the sword embedded in the Containment Unit. The light grows brighter.

    He runs across the room, avoiding the battle between the two Hands.

    The Last True Evil: "CynthAI! Open the door!"

    The door to Amal opens and the Russian spy throws a vial of water in Amal's face. The boy begins to surface. TLTE doesn't wait. He goes back for the sword.

    The Last True Evil: "Good luck. My son."

    He pulls the blade from the metal and runs from the room. He has to get to Losien quickly. He can feel, rather than see, the light behind him grow and grow as the essences within are unleashed from their temporal prison.

    He follows the black passages, having already memorised the entire map when they passed the visitors' map upstairs earlier on.

    The Last True Evil: "CynthAI. Open the door."

    The door to Losien swings open.

    In the centre of the room is Losien, she has her back to him.

    The Last True Evil: "I came to rescue you, my sweet. I am here for you."

    She's quivering. Staring up at a television. On it he sees a battle. Venedite and Mayaal.

    A security camera. Of all the basic things he has missed... The plan was so perfect.

    The Last True Evil: "L-Losien... It..."

    Losien: "You... you... sick... twisted... EVIL... You... You have two seconds to leave this place before I use everything I have to destroy you."

    The Last True Evil: "But I--"

    Losien: "ONE!"

    There is a silence that follows. He is certain it is longer than another second but he could feel that time was truly up. He vanishes into the darkness.

  25. #1825
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Nine

    Brittica X: "Why is there no X-Jet?"

    Rob X: "I guess no one thought to build one."

    Brittica X: "I demand an X-Jet. One of you write it down on a 'to-do' list. We can't be X-Men without an X-Jet."

    Rob X: "Maybe we could just do without the X-Men gags?"

    Brittica X: "No way! I love X-Men! And I'm Xavier!"

    Antestarr: "With significantly more hair and cleavage."

    Brittica X: "Shut it you."

    Maxim X: "I bagsy Wolverine!"

    Brittica X: "That's the spirit!"


    Britt the Legend: Chapter Twenty-Nine


    The Sleeper awakes.

    Britt: "Argh. Just once, I wish they'd give me a pillow."

    He rolled his head side to side, trying to get the crick out of it. He found himself in another shrine-like room. Always with the shrines. He would have tried to stretch his arms but he found he was inside a stone cage. The frame was placed atop of the slab he lay on and seemed to be protecting him from falling debris. Or something. He tried to push it, but it was too heavy for his weak limbs.

    Then he noticed something moving. It shuffled towards him.

    Britt: "Uh... hello?"

    It shuffled faster.

    Britt: "Eep?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Britt! We made it back!"

    Britt: "AAaaaaaaaargh!! Zombie!!!"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "That's not a nice thing to call your friend."

    Britt: "...Kaptin?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Of course. Who did you think I am? Zeus?"

    Britt: "Um... you look... different?"

    Kaptin Kwanza:
    "I do?"

    "You look... well... dead."

    Kaptin Kwanza:
    "Dead people don't talk."

    Britt: "No they don't. But they do... decay..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Hold on, let me get this thing off of you."

    With what Britt regarded as inhuman strength, despite having no muscles left, Kaptin lifted and tossed the stone cage off of Britt's slab.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I really didn't think we'd make it back from that 8th Dimension, you know? But look at us! I'm alive!!"

    Britt: "Um..."

    He looked at his own hands. As usual he was fine. Flesh, blood, living tissue. He looked up at Kaptin again.

    Britt: "I guess we returned to our bodies. My body doesn't age, so it's just like I went to sleep. Your body though..."

    Kaptin finally looked down at his hands. He screamed.

    Britt: "It's okay! It's okay! Maybe we can find you some... skin... or something."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm a skeleton! How am I a skeleton!?"

    Britt: "I suppose your soul, or whatever, brought your corpse back to life? I mean... that makes sense, right? Although I don't understand how you're able to talk... You haven't got a tongue or lips..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "That's it. My sex life is at a premature end."

    Britt: "That does suck. But at least you never have to worry about money again! No need for food. No need for water, even."

    Kaptin Kwanza:
    "And I do have super-strength!"

    Britt: "Yeah! Always a bright side!"

    There was a loud thud and dust tumbled down upon their heads.

    Britt: "What the buggery was that?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Suppose we'd best check out where we are. I think we're still in that obelisk."

    The two of them managed to shuffle through the room, Britt from the aches in his muscles and Kaptin from his lack of muscles. They entered a new room that was brightly lit with torches.

    Britt: "Who lit these?"

    Kaptin Kwanza:
    "Maybe those cultist people are still here?"

    Britt: "Or the NeSferatu."

    Kaptin Kwanza drew his sword. Despite being nothing but bones, his clothes still seemed to hang onto his body as they always had done. A real skeleton pirate.

    A large slab of stone began to move, grinding its way across the stone floor and dislodging centuries of dust.

    A lone figure stood in the new doorway. A pith-helmet, loose-fitting linen shirt, satchel, shorts and worn-down boots. The woman, upon sighting the two time-travellers, rose a gun and them. Then fired.

    The bullet went straight through Kaptin's bones and pierced his coat before flying at the wall behind them.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "She shot me!"

    Britt: "Bloody hell! Leg it!"

    They started to run away from the crazy lady with a rifle.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Why is she shooting at us?"

    Britt: "God knows. Just find somewhere to hide."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "In here."

    They dove into a small room that appeared to be an altar. They crouched down behind a long bench.

    Silence fell as the two cowered behind the wood.

    Britt: "Do you think she's gone?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Hush!"

    Then Britt saw the rifle's muzzle touch Kaptin's skull.

    Britt: "Wait! Don't kill us!"

    Woman: "He's already dead! Undead, I'd say!"

    Britt: "Yes. Sort of. So what? That's not a reason to kill him! Again."

    She frowned at him.

    Woman: "I thought he was trying to eat you or something."

    Kaptin Kwanza shot to his feet.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Whoa, now! What do I look like!? I wouldn't eat another human! Well there was that one time I was stranded on an island with two other blokes. But that was necessary. And that time we were drifting at sea... and when we went on holiday to Tibet... And that time..."

    Britt: "Dude..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm not even currently capable of eating anything. Look at me. Where's it gonna go?"

    She lowered her rifle and looked at Britt.

    Woman: "I hope you're not here for the treasure. It's mine."

    Britt: "What treasure?"

    Woman: "That's what I like to hear. I don't know exactly what it is. I just know there's a cult that protects it. I've killed a few of them when they attacked me. Tried to use voodoo on me, or something. Made short work of it. The rest scattered when I killed their oracle."

    Britt: "That sounds bad."

    "Haven't seen any shiny rocks around though. Disappointed so far."

    Britt: "I think I might be the treasure you're looking for..."

    Woman: "You!?"

    Britt: "Cults tend to spring up around me when I enter BrittSleep."

    She whipped the rifle up and aimed straight at Britt.

    Woman: "Explain. Quickly."


    Sometime later Britt and Kaptin are being herded into a jeep.

    Britt: "This isn't very nice, you know?"

    Woman: "Just be grateful I don't lock you in a cage, like I usually do with rare animals I find."

    The pair of them sit in the back seat. Britt tried to fix his cravatte but most of the material had rotted away. The jeep, which Britt found to be a terrifying carriage, zoomed across the flat desert and away from the obelisk.

    Britt: "At least tell us where we're going?"

    Woman: "Nevada."

    Britt: "Never heard of it."

    Woman: "It's in the United States of America."

    Britt: "Nev-"

    Woman: "New country. Very far away, so lots of travel time. Hope you like to sleep."

    Britt: "Sleeping has never been the problem. It's the waking up."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I wonder if I ever need to sleep again..."

    "You'll find out on this journey, I guess. My name's Polly, by the way. Polly Simon. I'm an archaeologist of sorts."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "The sort that shoots people."

    Polly Simon: "You're not a person."

    Britt: "The cultists?"

    Polly Simon: "They tried to kill me."

    Britt: "This is going to be a lovely trip. I can just tell..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "That was sarcasm, right?"

    Britt: "Most definitely."

  26. #1826
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Thirty

    In the Writers' Realm, Gebohq the Writer is pursuing a book titled "How to Write Good". At least he's pretending to, as within the pages of said book is a dirty magazine.

    Britt the Writer suddenly rises up from the opposite side of Gebohq the Writer's desk like an apparition.

    Britt the Writer: "What are you doing?"

    Gebohq the Writer:

    Gebohq the Writer slams his book shut as Britt the Writer leers at him with red eyes from the oh-so-convenient shadows of Gebohq the Writer's office.

    Britt the Writer: "You said you were working on a post."

    Gebohq the Writer: "Uh... I am..."

    Britt the Writer: "Where is it?"

    Gebohq the Writer: "It's just... not ready yet..."

    Britt the Writer's red eyes glow ever brighter.

    Britt the Writer: "wwwwwWWWWRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE IT!!"

    Gebohq the Writer squeals like an eight-year-old girl and wakes up from his nightmare. He looks down at the open book, and porn magazine. Then looks up.

    Britt the Writer: "wwwwwWWWRIIIIIIIITE!!!!"

    Gebohq the Writer squeals again, this time putting pen to paper. Or fingers to keyboard anyway.


    Britt the Legend - Chapter Thirty

    Britt: "I never imagined there could be some long-lost continent across the ocean..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Meh. I knew it was here."

    Britt: "Don't lie."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I ain't lyin' to you, fella. Been here a few times."

    Britt: "Then why didn't you ever tell anyone?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Because then someone else would show up and start stealing all the adventures!"

    Britt: "That... that's the most stupid--"

    Polly: "We're here."

    Britt and Kaptin peered out of the window of the car. Since joining up with Polly Simon, the two had flown across the Atlantic Ocean in a contraption Polly called an 'aeroplane' and were then driven across the new nation known as the 'U.S. of A.' and were finally being brought to some super-top-secret location in Nevada. Britt didn't think much of the place.

    Britt: "It's very... barren around here."

    Polly: "Were you expecting gardens and temples?"

    Britt: "Well actually--"

    Guard: "You can go in Ms Simon."

    The guard returned the keycard to Polly and she drove the vehicle through the gates of Area 51. The facility was unlike anything Britt had ever seen. Metal and stone, fabricated light and dull clothing. The only thing that remained the same were the soldiers. Straight-backed and stern. He decided not to stray too far from Polly lest he wind up being impaled with whatever weapons they carried.

    After following Polly through the corridors and rooms of the strange bunker, Britt and Kaptin were bustled into a confinement room. Polly said someone would come to see them, she had to wash.

    Britt: "And I suppose we don't need to wash, huh?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I haven't bathed in ten years."


    Kaptin Kwanza: "So, when do we break out of here? I'd been waiting for some kind of cue from you the whole trip. Guess you wanted to wait until we were in the most peril to make our daring escape? More adventure that way, right!?"

    Britt: "Uh..."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "She pilfered my sword, but she didn't get this..."

    The Kaptin whipped out his ancient 15th-century pistol he'd hidden within the folds of his coat.

    Britt: "You've had that this entire time?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye. I've only got a wee bit of powder for the thing. Can't go firing it willy-nilly."

    Britt: "Okay... did you count the number of guards on the way in?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye. A lot of 'em."

    Britt: "Do you have enough powder to shoot them all?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "No."

    "How many?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Erm... three. If I fire true."

    "Great. Loving this plan so far."

    The door opened and an old man entered the room. He had a bedraggled grey beard flecked with the original black it must have once been. His head, unlike his chin, was bare. He wore an old, moth-eaten sweater and smelt like stale pipe smoke.

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Alright, we lamp this one and then make our escape."

    Britt: "You want to deck an old codger?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "He's probably some old military guy! C'mon! Adventure time!"

    Britt: "The adventure of battering old blokes..."

    Kaptin swung his skeletal fist straight at the old man. Evidently Kaptin hadn't expected the old man to actually be former military, so when Kaptin's fist was caught mid-flight, his skull-eyes widened with surprise. In a flurry of ninja-quick movements, Kaptin was on the ground and the old man was standing over him - victorious.

    Britt: "Wow. That was impressive. You okay down there, Kaptin?"

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye. I think I bruised somethin' though."

    Britt: "You haven't got anything to bruise."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "I do. I think it was my ego."

    The old man took out a pipe, lit it and drew a few puffs before he spoke.

    Old Man: "Are you going to behave yourselves?"

    Britt: "Probably not. But don't hold that against us, we're just born that way."

    The old man sighed.

    Old Man: "I'm too old to be playing games with either of you. I can't restrain myself like I once did."

    Britt: "Uh... okay. We'll try to behave... just don't kill me."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Or me!"

    Britt: "You're already dead, Kaptin."

    Kaptin Kwanza: "Way to kick a guy when he's down, Britt."

    Britt: "Don't tempt me."

    Old Man: "If you boys would kindly be seated, I have a few questions for you. Then you'll be free to go."

    Britt: "Yeah... I totally believe you..."

    Old Man: "Believe me or not, I still want to ask you some questions."

    Britt slumped down on his stool and Kaptin, after groaningly getting to his feet, perched his pelvis on the seat beside Britt.

    Old Man: "Let's start with your names..."

    Back in the present day Story Realm, India and its inhabitants are reappearing piece-by-piece. War-torn landscapes and all. Except something is missing. The villains are absent...

    Back at the Containment Unit Amal shakes his head, trying to clear his vision. Light is streaming into the room from the hatch and two shadows are battling in the bright ray of white. Then another shadow appears. And another. And another. And another...

    King John: "That was the most horrifying experience of my life. Being cramped up in there with that lot! Even if we were ethereal, or whatever you lot called it."

    Dr Evil: "You're free now, aren't you? Stop complaining!"

    Bhac Ssylan: "Free..."

    Bhac's eyes latch onto the two figures duking it out.

    Bhac Ssylan: "Oh, this is rich..."

    Amal struggles to his feet and slips out of the room. He has to find the others. Warn them. The enter building is about to be overrun by villains!

  27. #1827
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Thirty-TWO

    Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-One

    Kaptin: "So you know who we are. Now, who are you?"

    Old Man: "Prime."

    Britt slammed his face into the table.

    Kaptin: "Uh... you okay there buddy?"

    Britt slowly raised his now burning face to look at the old man.

    Britt: "Are you guys stalking me?"

    Prime: "Afraid so! Usually someone in a generation of Prime's becomes obsessed with the story of Britt. Britt the Legend. It's incredible that I'm alive for this moment."

    Kaptin: "If you knew who we were, why bother questioning us?"

    Prime: "If I accepted everyone that claimed to be Britt, there would be... five and a half Britt's in total."

    Britt: "Such a specific number. Wait, did you say half?"

    Prime: "Someone claimed to be possessed by your spirit once. Strange business this esoteric stuff."

    Britt: "Riiiiiiiiiiiight."

    Prime: "Besides, I need your story as completely as possible. Past generations haven't taken down detailed accounts as much as I'd like. And some have been rather liberal with the facts. Flying spaghetti monsters of all things."

    Britt: "Yeah. I hated that thing."

    Prime: "That was r-- Okay, so. Mind if I take some notes and you can tell me the complete story of your life?"
    In the White House, U.S.A.

    Thrawn42689: "Sir, my systems indicate rising levels of narrative tension emanating from a specific location in Italy."

    Arkng Thand removes his headphones.

    Arkng Thand: "Where exactly?"

    Thrawn42689: "A building belonging to Prime Inc."

    Arkng Thand: "The prediction of Hermes came to pass then. The course is set."

    He puts one plug into his ear.

    Thrawn42689: "Erm... we won't do anything?"

    Arkng Thand: "I have to finish my audiobook. Besides, things are progressing as has been predicted. We merely wait for the climax and be prepared for it."

    Britt: The Legend - cont.

    Britt: "I rather feel I have little choice, considering where we are. Since when did my story become the interest of a government. Especially to a country that didn't even exist during my lifetime."

    Prime: "Funny old world, isn't it? Stories spread and in light of recent years, governments, more than ever, search for anything that might give them... a leg up. Including the esoteric."

    Britt: "Please don't call me esoteric."

    Prime: "Sorry. To be honest, I barely believed you existed myself. And I'm the expert. So. From the be--"

    Suddenly the wall of the room was shattered into chunks of concrete that exploded across the room as something very large and powerful burst through it.

    Britt's world swirled around him as he tried to crawl across the floor where he'd landed. He could see a huge, hulk of a man howling with rage in the hole he'd just made with his face. He glared down at Britt for a moment, then stepped over him and head-butted another wall that exploded. There were cries from the subsequent room and the hulk stomped through.

    Britt: "What the buggery was that?"

    Prime used the table to pull himself up.

    Prime: "Romanov's pet."

    "Romanov? Pet?"

    Romanov: "Sorry, Professor Prime. He got loose. I hope he hasn't hurt anyone?"

    Prime: "We're alright."

    Kaptin: "You didn't check if I was okay!"

    Prime: "Uh... are you okay?"

    Kaptin: "Yes."

    Prime: "We're okay."

    The young man nodded. He was bright-eyed, eager, energetic and would be bushy-tailed if he had a tail. His accent didn't match that of Prime, which sounded strangely English to Britt's untrained ears. Romanov sounded eastern European. In some small way it reminded Britt of Cathia...

    Prime: "You're going to be in trouble for losing control of him, Romanov."

    Romanov: "I know."

    Prime: "A Russian defector in Area 51. You're already on thin ice. This? They'll say you let him loose."

    "I can control him. It'll just take time. The theory works. You can see. I just... it's unpredictable right now."

    Britt: "What is?"

    Romanov: "My super soldier serum."

    He looked at Britt. Then he stared wide-eyed.

    Romanov: "Wait, what clearance level are you!? Forget I said anything!"

    Prime: "It's alright, Romanov. Everyone in this facility would trust Britt far more than they'd trust yourself."

    Britt: "Am I being complimented, or are you being insulted, Romanov?"

    Romanov held up a syringe.

    Britt: "Whoa! Chill man!"

    Romanov: "I need to get this into the super soldier."

    Kaptin Kwanza was instantly back on his feet again.

    Kaptin: "We'll handle that! Mission accepted, right Britt!?"

    Britt: "What the fu--"

    Romanov: "GREAT! I was really scared he'd break my spine! Rather yours than mine, right? Seems this guy is nothing BUT spine! Both metaphorically and literally..."

    Kaptin snatched the syringe and slapped a hang around Britt's shoulder.

    Kaptin: "Let's be off and down this beast! Show 'em how useful we are. Maybe they'll even give us full-time adventure employment like that evil woman we met before."

    "I really don't wan--"

    Kaptin dragged Britt into the next room. They stared down the long lines of holes-in-walls that the super soldier had charged through. Britt sighed as the two started running down the hulk-made tunnel. As they ran, they saw people in each room. A man interrogating another man. Next room, a man interrogating a woman. Next room, a woman interrogating a chicken.

    Britt: "This is a really weird place. This government certainly seems obsessed with intelligence."

    Kaptin: "It's like a building of super secrets, spies and science. Isn't it exciting!?"

    As they neared the hulk, Kaptin roared in his charge, syringe held high.

    Britt: "Dude! What're you doing!? Be quiet and he won't notice us!"

    Kaptin: "This be a battle, me lad! Sword raised! Piratin' life--!"

    The hulk swung his arms around and slammed both of them so hard that they flew in reverse back down the passage. Britt groaned as he felt his body complain about being so maltreated. He rolled onto his side.

    Interrogator: "Where is it? Where is it!?"

    The man screamed down at a fish.

    The fish flopped.

    Interrogator: "Don't give me that trash! I know it was you!"

    Fish: "Glub."

    Interrogator: "A likely story!"

    Britt: "Makes me miss the rest of the weird crap in my life... Kap-- ack!!"

    The hulk hoisted Britt up by his ankle, dangling the Roman-born in the air. With his other hand he lifted Britt into his arms and yelled with a deep, terrifying voice;



    The hulk lowered his arms, preparing to throw Britt up against the rock-solid ceiling where Britt's brains would surely be splattered.

    The needle spiked the skin on the hulk's lowered hand. Although the brute didn't notice it, the effects were instant. The hulk's left arm still worked with full might, but the right was instantly dead. As the hulk tried to throw Britt's body upwards, instead the man went flying to the right and wound up smacking into the wall several metres away at half-power.

    Britt: "Ouch... my... everything..."

    The hulk stared at the syringe in the back of his hand.

    Hulk: "America?"

    He toppled over and was instantly snoring so loud that the room shook.

    Fish: "Glub?"

    Interrogator: "No, you can't have a glass of water until you tell me what you know."

    Kaptin: "Ha-har! Victorious once again! Thanks for acting as bait, matey!"

    Britt: "Next time, you get to be bait..."

    Romanov: "Well done, you men!"

    Regular soldiers trooped into the room and carted off the beast of a man. It took ten of them to slowly drag him out.

    Britt: "Where the Hell were those guys!? Why didn't they do this!?"

    Romanov: "Apparently they were all at lunch at the same time. Some kind of scheduling error. What a coincidence, eh?"

    Britt: "Right. Just great. I think it's time for us to leave this stupid place."

    Romanov: "I seriously doubt that's going to happen. Professor Prime is already talking to staff about your rooms."

    Britt: "Rooms? I'm not staying the night!"

    Romanov: "Rooms for the next few years."


    Kaptin: "What do you do here, Romanov? Are you a scientist."

    Romanov: "That's right. I've been through military training too. I'm supposed create the Ultimate American. As you can see, there's been some side-effects. But it won't be long until that guy is mentally capable and beating my homeland into the ground."

    Britt: "You're helping them create something to destroy your own homeland?"

    Romanov: "Seems so. I defected from the Russian K.G.B. a couple of years ago. They were doing some... unethical things that I wanted no part of."

    Britt glanced down the passage of broken walls.

    Britt: "And this isn't?"

    Romanov: "When I say unethical I mean, personally unethical."

    Britt: "..."

    Romanov: "They wanted clones."

    Britt: "You mean... copies of people?"

    Romanov: "Exactly."

    Britt: "So clones are unethical, but experimenting on a bloke so he can smash concrete with his face is a-okay?"

    Romanov: "Well when you put it that way. It's just a personal choice. I think creating entirely new life is... irresponsible."

    Kaptin: "But destroying your homeland. Your own people?"

    Romanov: "One adjusts. One copes."

    Kaptin: "Aren't you too young to be in charge of something like this, besides the fact that they think you're the enemy."

    Romanov: "Did I forget to mention I'm a genius? Plus I'm dating the daughter of a C.I.A. chief."

    Britt rolled his eyes.

    Britt: "I still can't believe they let you do all this. Ever thought of escaping? Running away?"

    Romanov: "All the time."

    Britt: "Where would you go?"

    Romanov: "I don't know. Somewhere they couldn't me. The Himalayas or something."

    Britt looked to Kaptin.

    Kaptin: "Mountains."

    Britt: "Oh. Well, if you help us, we can all--"

    Prime: "So! Britt! There's someone I need you to meet!"

    Romanov faded into the background, easily dodging attention when Prime was so focused on his work.

    Britt: "Don't tell me it's another ancestor? I'm getting a bit tired of you lot."

    Prime: "No. I do recall a story about you travelling very far away."

    Britt: "Africa?"

    Prime: "Not quite."

    Prime led the Sleeper and the skeleton through Area 51 until they reached one of the lowest levels, and most secretive. The whole while Prime got Britt to relay parts of his history. Kaptin was also intrigued by the parts of the tale he didn't already know. Eventually the three of them stepped into a cavernous room.

    Prime: "We tend to keep the lights low down here. Helps the brain to study. Sorry it's so dark. Lights!"

    There were already a couple of lights that seemed to illuminate a strange structure with a few white-coated scientists milling about. Then more lights came on and revealed a large, white vehicle that reminded Britt of the aeroplane he'd travelled across the Atlantic in.

    Prime beamed at Britt expectantly.

    Britt and Kaptin looked at each other before they turned back to Prime.

    Britt: "Is this your aeroplane?"

    Prime's face fell.

    Prime: "No. No, it's... it's alien."

    Britt: "As in, not from here?"

    Prime: "There's a part of your story you still haven't touched on. A part we're all very interested in."

    Man: "Specifically your time spent... off-world."

    Britt looked up to the new speaker. He was young, handsome and brown-haired. There was something strangely familiar in his features and a knowing sparkle in the man's eyes.

    Man: "Ohqeanos Or Simon."

    Britt: "Sim-- Prime! You said no more ancestors!!"

    Prime: "Oops?"
    Last edited by TheBritt; 04-18-2015 at 05:52 AM.

  28. #1828

    Britt the Legend - Chapter B.U.M.P.!

    Britt the Legend - Chapter B.U.M.P.!


    Prime:: "Ow! What was that for?"

    Britt: "For making me meet another of my stupid ancestors!"

    Prime: "Do you mean descendants?"

    Britt: "Whatever -- you know what I mean! The important part is the stupid!"

    Ohqeanos Simon starts to tear up in confused hurt.

    Prime: "Runs in the family."

    Britt: "What?"

    Prime: "You made him run away."

    Britt turns to see Ohqeanos run away crying.

    Prime: "He's rather sensitive."

    Britt: "For crying out loud..."

    Prime: "Yes, that's what you made him do. Good job."

    Britt: -___-
    Meanwhile, in the heart of Prime Inc., villains continue to pour forth.

    Amal: "We have to defeat them before more--"

    A flood of villainous bodies suddenly fill the room and start carrying Amal and the others through the hallways.

  29. #1829
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Whoop-whoop!

    Amal is being bundled along the hallways in a state of complete confusion. The villains didn't seem to be trying to pull him apart, limb-by-limb, rather they seemed to be cheering and chanting like football fans. He couldn't make out exactly what is being chanted, but it sounds as though they believe Amal set them all free from their 1000-odd years of confinement. He considers telling them he wasn't the one responsible, but decides he prefers to be carried about the hallways than being torn apart.

    Venedite: "If I feel someone's hand on my arse again, I'm going to start inducing nightmares of kitten-torture!"

    Mayaal: "I don't see Bhac anymore, where did he go?"

    Venedite: "Somewhere in this crowd of smelly villains!"

    Amal: "Where will they put us down?"

    Mayaal: "They seem content to run around in circles. We could be here a while!"


    The football crowd bustle through Evil G, who had managed to regain consciousness after TLTE's systematic take-down, and is hoisted up along with Amal, Venedite and Mayaal.

    Amal: "It's okay! They're not trying to kill us! For now..."

    Evil G: "This is worse! At least killing us would be more dignified!"

    Another NeS Hero is seen in the path of the never-ending crowd and she is also hoisted up in the celebratory run.

    Iriana Emp: "I say! EEEEEEP!! How humiliating! You can't cart a Princess around like this! I demand to be released this instant! Guards!! Knights!!!"

    Evil G: "...Please make this stop..."

  30. #1830

    Pope Problems

    Amal and the other NeS Heroes continued to be carried by the ever-growing villain population out of the Prime Inc. building and in a south-eastern direction. In part, it is clear that the villains are hailing Amal and the others as their saviors from the prison and intend to gather at the famous Coliseum in celebration. In part, mob mentality and the sheer growing numbers of villains pouring forth out of their former prison makes it also clear that little thought has been put yet by the escaping villains as to what they're doing. Nearby residents and tourists alike begin to flee as they realize the overwhelming number of villains among them, with even the local law unable to hold against the tide. At this time, however, the scene resembles less of a deadly onslaught of evil and more of a rowdy riot of troublemakers drunk after the victory of their favorite sports team.

    The villains quickly sober up, however, as they pour into the Apostolic Palace, where many of the lesser nameless cannon-fodder villains are struck down by Pope Francis with the Holy Helmet of Halibut.

    Rachel: "Prime was smarter than I gave him credit for, housing the vault in the middle of a holy capital."

    Several more intimidating, though equally nameless villains destined only to die for the benefit of this scene, attempt to strike back at Pope Francis, but are quickly slapped to death by the Pope's summoned fish striking down from the heavens.

    King John: "I got this, guys! I've made financial deals with the Church before and can easily be bought."

    One of King John's recently acquired minions whispered into his ears.

    King John: "What? Since when did Popes start giving their money to the poor and not flaunt their wealth? Carry me away then, while we still can -- I wasn't about to start giving money anyway!"

    Standing from on high in the balcony, Pope Francis grabs onto the primary microphone, sending an electronic feedback screech that quickly gains everyone's attention.

    Pope Francis: "Plead for forgiveness to the Almighty now and turn from your evil ways, for it is never too late."


    Pope Francis: "It was worth a shot. I call upon the Lord to judge you all for your sins!"

    The pope raises his arm dramatically before pulling out a cellphone.


    In Burundi, Jim Seven, ruler of Heaven, receives a call from his special Pope line.

    Jim Seven: "Yeah, what is it? ... A smiting, eh? I can do tha-- No smiting? Look, I'm not quite up on the whole New-Testament corporate culture at this time, and there's at least forty other universes on the brink of collapse asking for a deus-ex-machina right about now in addition to being 20 minutes late for a go-kart match with Cthulhu, so uh, I help those who help themselves, right?Greattakecarethenbye."


    Back in Rome, Pope Francis looks awkwardly at the villainous crowd below.

    Pope Francis: "Uh... I'll be right back... just stay put for your divine judgment."

    The villains watch in quiet anticipation as Pope Francis leaves his balcony. Quick footsteps can be heard echoing throughout the courtyard from the palace, then a car door opening and closing, followed by a car starting and running off. Everyone looks to the side, where they can see the Popemobile speeding away.

    The build-up of new villains still pouring forth from Prime Inc. finally force the others to press forth towards the Coliseum, the cheers erupting in renewed vigor.

    Amal: "Back to Plan A, then."

    Evil G: "Running away?"

    Amal: "Riding this out."

    Evil G: "That's a terrible plan."

    Losien: "It's a good plan. Besides, we're surrounded, we don't have any other options, and you don't get a vote."

    Evil G: "I hate all of this. I wish one of the villains would just end my misery quick and STOP GROPING ME! That's bad crowdsurfing etiquette!"

  31. #1831

    Light for me

    As the villains carry the NeS heroes away once more, realization dawns on Iriana. She frantically looks around her as much as she can in her involuntary crowdsurfer-state.

    Iriana: "Dad? DAD? HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DAD?"

    Losien: "He was last with--oh..."

    She looks back towards the Prime Inc. building where they had been carried from...


    Inside the Prime Inc. building, Al Ciao stares with loving concern from the dark side of a one-way mirror, watching as Mecha Lou juggles a flurry of strange, high-tech medical tools in the process of delivering Lady Lightside's child. None of them notice the flood of villains escaping from their vault, even as they clearly pass by the nearby entrance with all the subtlety of an Italian wedding. Even when Farr (model lackey of TotallyEvil), "They" (model Trans-Terra-Terrorist), and Lawyer #2 (model Taxman servant complete with coffee-stained dress slacks) stumble through the door, Al Ciao did not notice. The three look at each other with wicked smiles before they decide to ambush Al Ciao...

    ...and are interrupted when Mecha-Lou bursts in from the operating room.

    Mecha Lou: "Al, get in here! I need some extra hands! Same goes for your buddies."

    Farr, "They", and Lawyer #2 stand in confusion. As Al Ciao joins Mecha Lou into the operating room, the three villains sheepishly follow suit. All five of them are now wearing traditional doctor garbs. Mecha Lou holds up her hand expectedly.

    Mecha Lou: "Forceps."

    "They" hands her the forceps. Mecha Lou briefly makes use of it before raising her hand back up.

    Mecha Lou: "Anti-ectoplasmic stabilizer."

    Farr hands her a slightly occult-looking high-tech gizmo, which Mecha Lou turns on briefly to wave around before tossing it away and holding up her hand again.

    Mecha Lou: "Paperwork."

    Lawyer #2 hands her a booklet of random papers. She glances at it before turning angrily back at him.

    Mecha Lou: "Completed paperwork! Get to it!"

    He grabs the paperwork back and scurries a step back, frantically filling out the paperwork on a nearby table.

    Mecha Lou: "OK, Lady Lightside, just keep breathing..."

    Lady Lightside breathes heavily, but admirably in proper form. Mecha Lou turns to Farr and "They" almost as an afterthought.

    Mecha Lou: "And painkillers. She's still going to need a lot more of them very soon."

    Al Ciao: "And what can I do?"

    Mecha Lou: "Let her hold your hand."

    Al Ciao: "That'll help?"

    Mecha Lou: "She'll want to crush something. Better your hand than the wing of this building. Now push, Lady Lightside! PUSH!"

    Al Ciao: "What was that last part--"



    Back outside, the NeS heroes can hear Lady Lightside screaming.

    Iriana: "Oh God! What are they doing to her?"

    Losien: "I think she's giving birth."

    Rachel glances at her growing bump with new concern.


    Typically, the birthing process can last many hours. Due to Lady Lightside's spirit nature, perhaps, or more likely due to the writer's lack of experience and desire towards proper research on the matter, a 'pop!' noise is heard instead, and Mecha Lou makes a quick 'snip' before swaddling the newborn in her arms.

    Mecha Lou: "Congratulations."

    She hands the baby into the arms of Lady Lightside, who smiles uncontrollably as she is currently enjoying the late-wave of adrenaline endorphins and other feel-good painkillers just kicking in. Al Ciao flicks the remains of what was once his hand. Lady Lightside takes notices, and looks at her newborn once more, before starting to sob.

    Lady Lightside: "Oh no... I'm turning back, aren't I? I'm going to become a monster again and our child--our child..."

    She can't complete the sentence though as her crying takes over. The others stand awkwardly as they watch. Al Ciao, however, leans in close, his face filled with passionate happiness.

    Al Ciao: "You're no monster, and you never will be, because no matter what happens, you're the light for me. You, and our child. That will never turn back."

    Farr sniffles, and Lawyer #2 tries holding back sobs of his own while "They" dabs his tearful eyes with a tissue.

    Lady Lightside: "Oh Al, I--"

    She freezes momentarily. Al holds close to her and the baby while Mecha Lou and the others step back.


    Lady Lightside relaxes, still as herself. The others sigh in relief. The baby makes some pitifully cute noise.

    Lady Lightside: "...I'm so happy to hear that. What should we name our child?"

    Mecha Lou: "You'll want to know the child's gender then--"

    Al Ciao: "Lior."

    Mecha Lou: "--or not."

    Lady Lightside: "Lior... what a beautiful name. I feel so peaceful now..."

    The various diagnostic machines begin beeping more erratically as Lady Lightside falls unconscious.

    Al Ciao: "What's wrong?"

    Mecha Lou: "Nothing! Probably. Uh, look, all the same, you should take Lil' Lior with you and wait outside. Have the guy with the paperwork take care of the rest with your child. The other two, stay here. Ten CCs of Ouijiagenic solution, stat!"

    Holding Lior in his arms, Al Ciao stands still, staring at Lady Lightside. Lawyer #2 places a hand on Al's shoulder.

    Lawyer #2: "We should go."

    Al Ciao: "Yeah."

    The two men walk out of the operating room.

  32. #1832
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Britt the Legend - Chapter Thirty-Two

    Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-Two

    Britt tried not to breathe too heavily onto the glass of his helmet. The world felt smaller, tighter, more claustrophobic since he donned the space helmet. He struggled to turn his head to look at his co-pilots.

    Britt: "How did you convince me to do this again?"

    Ohqeanos: "You'll do your country proud!"

    Britt: "My country hasn't existed for centuries."

    Ohqeanos: "I'll buy you doughnuts?"

    Britt: "Hate them!"

    Ohqeanos: "... sure we're related?"

    Britt: "You tell me!"

    From behind Britt, Kaptin Kwanza piped up.

    Kaptin: "For the adventure, Britt! Remember!? The adventure!!"

    Britt: "Oh right... yippee..."

    Britt twirled his gloved finger in the air.

    Ohqeanos tested the mic and through it the voice of Professor Prime came through clearly.

    Prime: "Good luck, everybody."

    Kaptin: "With luck our engines will fail and we'll be stranded on a spacestation and have to fight off hordes of alien beasties!"

    Britt squirmed in his seat as he tried to turn around and glare venom at his long-term friend.

    As he turned his head he caught sight of the hulking brute from earlier.

    Britt: "Remind me why that man-beast is coming with us?"

    A second voice came through the speaker.

    Romanov: "He needs to have an outing. It'll help give him a better understanding of the world. Get his mind in gear."


    The hulk of a man grinned at Britt with childish glee.

    Britt: "I hope my health insurance is paid for."

    Ohqeanos: "It is."

    Britt: "And why is my captor coming with us?"

    Polly: "I didn't really capture you..."

    Kaptin: "You shot me."

    Polly: "You're fine now, aren't you?"

    Ohqeanos: "Well, she's with us because... she's not from Earth."

    There was a moment of silence in the spacecraft.

    Ohqeanos: "She's from Jupiter."

    Britt's eyes widened.

    Britt: "WHAT!?"

    He started slapping buttons close to him.

    Britt: "Where's the ejector seat!?"

    Ohqeanos: "Calm down! What's the problem!? This is why you're coming with us, you've made this trip before!"

    Britt: "Because they're bonkers! Last Jupiterian woman I met tried to feed me to a god... bird... thing."

    There was another moment of silence.

    Kaptin: "Wow... the adventures I missed..."

    Britt: "I want OFF!"

    Suddenly the count-down began.

    Britt: "... you did that on purpose."

    Ohqeanos: "We're going to be the first humans to land on Jupiter!"

    Britt: "..."

    Ohqeanos: "Well... for the second time..."

    Britt: "I would have bought the t-shirt, but everyone there wears next to nothing."

    Ohqeanos' eyes lit up and he stared vacantly at Britt until Polly interrupted his train of thought.

    Polly: "Head out of the clouds, please."

    Ohqeanos: "Right... final checks."

    Polly: "Don't worry, Britt, dear, I won't feed you to any gods."

    Britt: "Sure. I believe you."

    Polly: "I'll just sacrifice you to the Lord of the Mountain and feast on your bones."


    Ohqeanos: "Hah! She's such a tease!"

    Britt's head turned to face Ohqeanos slowly.

    Britt: "Deluded fool..."

    Professor Prime's voice chimed in with the final countdown.

    Prime: "Ten."

    Britt: "Wait, what if I have to pee?"

    Prime: "Nine."

    Ohqeanos: "Pee in you suit."

    Prime: "Eight."

    Britt: "EEW! I thought people were supposed to be MORE civilised!?"

    Prime: "Seven."

    Britt: "Look, I really want off. I don't want to go!"

    Prime: "Four."

    Britt: "Huh? Did he just skip some numbers?"


    Britt: "You totally di--!!"

    "BLAST OFF!!"


    The engines ignited.


    The Cold War sci-fi rocket left the ground.

    Polly: "I'll have to bake us some celebratory cookies when we arrive!"

    The rocket soared through the skies of the Earth.


    The rocket broke through the atmosphere and entered the dark of space.


    The rocket cruised away from the Earth and Britt got to see the little blue planet for the second time.

    Ohqeanos: "Time to sleep!"

    Britt: "Wait, you're putting me to sleep!? Not a goo-- ZzzzzzzzzZ..."
    The X-Jet comes to a slithering stop on Italian soil, right outside of Prime Inc. Brittica X steps off of the plane and looks up at the sign.

    Brittica X: "I want to go back in time and kill my best friend."

    Antestarr: "Don't we all?"

    Brittica X: "Cyclops!"

    Rob X:
    "Dude, I'm not Cyclops."

    Cygnus X: "Great, can we switch then!?"

    Rob X: "Whoa, no way!"

    Cygnus X: "Damn. Why do I have to be Jean Grey? Shouldn't Brittica X be Jean Grey?"

    Brittica X: "I'm the wise old master, so I'm Xavier. Stop complaining, Jean."

    Rob X pokes the door but it doesn't budge.

    Antestarr: "How do we get in?"

    Brittica X approaches the door and, like Rob X, pokes the scanner.

    Door: "Welcome."

    Rob X: "You really are Professor X!!"

    Brittica X marvels (heheh) at her own hands.

    Brittica X: "Okay, Beast, you're up."

    No one moves.

    Brittica X turns and stares at Antestarr.

    Antestarr: "Huh? You meant me?"

    Britt: "Stop spoiling it, Antestarr!"

    Antestarr: "Oops?"

    Antestarr strides into the building, the rest of the Cult of X at his back. Brittica X peeks from behind Antestarr's back, to see if any danger lurked on the other side.

    Antestarr: "All clear, Professor."

    Brittica X: "Brill. Hey, wait. Do you hear that?"

    Antestarr: "Sounds like... like..."

    Rob X: "Football fans?"


    In the U.S.A., Arkng Thand whips his headphones off as white noise suddenly fills his ears. He stares at them with a frown on his face. He moves back to the library and takes out of the original text and lays it flat on his desk. He opens the pages to find that the entire section appears to have water split all over it. Yet he knows it isn't water. It's time distortion.

    He puts his palm on the book's page and watches as the writing reacts to his touch, forming words and sentences again, until he can continue reading it.


    Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-Two and a Bit

    The Negotiator: "Nearly there, Sleeper."

    Britt: "Nearly where, exactly? Jupiter?"

    The Negotiator: "The new beginning."

    Britt: "New... beginning? Of what?"

    The Negotiator: "The contracts have been signed. The plans are made."

    Britt: "What contracts? And what plans? For the Story, you mean?"

    The Negotiator: "You really shouldn't sleep so much."

    Britt: "Well if you want to complain about that, perhaps you should have made my eternal life more efficient."

    The Negotiator: "Your life is not eternal."

    Britt: "Wha--?"


    Britt snapped awake and stared out of the window at the planet before them. It was strange, the planet looked very un-Jupiter-like. He glanced around the cockpit to find everyone else was still sleeping.

    Britt: "Lazy sods."

    Hulk: "Zzzz...merica...ZZZZzzz"

    As he stared at them a cunning plan forms in his mind. A wicked grin streaks across his face. A felt pen emerged from his pocket.

    Kaptin: "Dude."

    Britt: "WAAAAAAAARGH!!!!"

    Britt and Kaptin flounder about on the floor, scrabbling for the pen as though it were a sword. They rolled until they hit the chair belonging to Polly. The wake-up sequence turned itself on. Somehow. Technology, right?

    Britt: "How are you even awake!!?"

    Kaptin: "I'm dead, I can't sleep!"

    Britt: "All these weeks?"

    "Weeks? Ha! Try months! I've been bored to tears. Or I would if I could cry."

    Britt: "Can we get up now? And give me my pen back. You ruined a perfectly good prank, you know? Scaring the bejesus out of me."

    Polly: "Did I just hear... months?"

    Britt: "The evil Queen of Jupiter is awake then."

    Kaptin: "That's right. It's been terrible. I don't think it was fair to leave me with the responsibility to wake you lot up just because I'm dead. It's discrimination. Just because I'm mortally challenged!"

    Polly: "It should only have taken weeks!"

    Kaptin: "Uh... really? I only woke Britt up when we came to a planet..."

    Polly: "We came to no other planets?"

    Kaptin: "Nope."

    Polly got up and activated the wake-up sequence on Ohqeanos. As she leant over his chair, the yellow lights of the cockpit caught her youthful features and, for a brief moment, Britt was struck by her unearthly beauty. It didn't last long as he remembered the previous Jupiterian was also beautiful. And insane.

    Polly looked at the world outside. Then at Kaptin.

    Kaptin: "... Well... There was one other planet. But it was a big ball of gas, so I ignored it. And I was playing Minecraft at the time. Man, those exploding green guys are a pain. Scared the crap outta me."

    Both Britt and Polly facepalm.

    Kaptin: "I still get scared! Just because I'm mortally challenged--"

    Britt: "That WAS Jupiter. It looks like gas, but beneath that swirlling gas cloud there's a weird planet with half-naked men and women prancing about!"

    Ohqeanos: "How... did you know my dream?"

    Polly: "We're talking about Jupiter."

    Ohqeanos: "Oh right. That's... what I was dreaming about... yeah..."

    Britt: "Where the buggery are we, if not Jupiter?"

    Polly: "Not in our solar system. Turn communications on. Let's see if there's anything down there."

    The Comms system sprang to life and a battery of voices overwhelm the cockpit. Ohqeanos tampered with the settings until just one stream could be heard.

    The voice seemed to have a strangely Mexican sound...

    Voice: "Get the best holiday packages in all of Espa-nol! See the Costa del Sol, Seville Cathedral or visit the island of Ibiza! We even offer trips to our Earth-bound, and inferior, counterparts at discount prices!"

    Ohqeanos: "An entire planet of... hispania?"

    Voice: "Be sure to pick up your complimentary tacos!"
    Antestarr re-enters Prime Inc and shrugs to the Cult of X members.

    Antestarr: "I just saw the Pope speed by, screamed something about supervillains storming towards the Colosseum. I guess we just missed them."

    Rob X: "Some of your pals might be with 'em, Antestarr."

    Antestarr casts a cold stare at Rob X.

    Antestarr: "You may be right."

    As the group stand and chat about the oddity of the situation the room around them becomes colder and colder. In just a few minutes, their breath has turned to steam and ice is forming on the windows.

    Brittica X: "Wow. Who turned the A.C. to insta-freeze? Brrrrrrrr!"

    She tries to rub her arms and glances down, when she stops and stares.

    Antestarr: "Brittica... you're not meant to stare at your own nipples."

    Brittica X: "Mmmmm... what? Oi! What're you lot gawking at!?"

    The cultists jump from their cold-induced fantasy and try to look at something - anything - else in the room.

    Antestarr: "I guess the previous Oracles hadn't caught up with bras yet."

    Brittica X: "Apparently..."

    Antestarr: "Stop staring."

    Brittica X: "They're mine!"

    Cygnus X: "So can we--?"

    Brittica X: "No way! I'm not gay-- Uhhhh, as in... happy. For that to happen. Ever."

    Antestarr, who has been wearing a suitable evil cloak since he joined the cult, sweeps it from his shoulders and offers it to Brittica.

    Brittica X: "You think it's okay to treat me like a frail girl just be--"

    Antestarr: "To stop you distracting yourself."

    Brittica: "... fair enough!"

    She ties the cloak-laces and slumps the menacingly bedraggled cloak across her chest. The beautiful, almost cute, appearance of Aetas pokes out of the ominous black shroud of cloth. Not that Brittica could appreciate the oddity of her own appearance.

    Antestarr: "Shall we investigate this chill?"

    Cygnus X: "You want to go towards the evil?"

    Antestarr: "How do you know it's evil?"

    Cygnus X: "It's freezing the entire building. It's got to be something evil."

    Brittica X: "Jean's right."

    Cygnus X: "My name's Cyg--"

    Brittica X: "But that's why I put together the X-Men! To fight evil mutants!"

    "I thought we were looking for TLTE?"

    Brittica X: "Shhhhhh! Don't just shout it! He's probably in here, making this cold!!"

    Rob X: "By mucking about with the A.C.? Pretty sure he's got more important things to be doing."

    Antestarr: "Let's just fine out, shall we?"


    Lawyer #2: "Now that you're a father, you should really consider life insurance. I can give you a very reasonable rate."

    Al Ciao: "I really don't think--"

    Lawyer #2:
    "Come now! A hero like you, constantly in danger? And I can even give you cover for all your offspring. Of which I'm sure there's a few, eh? Am I right? Go get 'em, tiger. Now, just sign here."

    Al Ciao: "I suppose you've got a point. Wait, what's all this small print?"

    Lawyer #2: "Don't you worry about that, Sir. It's just the legal mumbo-jumbo."

    Al Ciao: "Says something about all my earthly possessions... my soul... my organs..."

    Lawyer #2: "Exactly. Mumbo-jumbo! Now that you've signed that, how about your kids? Any of them old enough to be popping out sprogs of their own?"

    The cries of anguish from the room next door grow louder and more fervent. Al Ciao turns from the babbling lawyer and stares, wide-eyed, through the glass.

    Al Ciao: "Please... please... please..."

    Lawyer #2: "Uh... maybe you should leave, Sir. It could get dangerous."

    Al Ciao: "You're a very thoughtful lawyer."

    Lawyer #2: "Yes I am. If you die now, we have to pay your kids money. I'd rather not do that. So! Shall we be off?"

    Antestarr: "Al!?"

    Lawyer #2: "Uh oh! NeSferatu bites are NOT covered by our contract, Sir. If you get bitten you're technically undead, and therefore not dead dead. Like not properly dead. It was all there in the fine print."

    Al Ciao: "The mumbo-jumbo bit?"

    Lawyer #2: "That's a terrible attitude to have, Sir. You only have yourself to blame if you don't bother to read that crucially important fine print."

    Al Ciao: "But you said--"

    Antestarr: "Is this... yours?"

    Antestarr looks down at the child in Al Ciao's arms. The two men then look at each other and Antestarr joins Al in a rare smile.

    Antestarr: "Congrats, my friend."

    Al Ciao: "Thank you. She's beautiful, isn't she?"

    Antestarr: "Another girl?"

    Al Ciao: "Of c-- actually I haven't checked. I just assumed, they're all girls so far..."

    Brittica X: "X-Men! Piley-on!!!!"

    Suddenly the Cult of X all dive on Al Ciao, who manages to hold his baby up in the air long enough for Antestarr to rescue from the pile of human limbs. Antestarr waits for a while before interrupting the idiocy.

    Antestarr: "Guys, he's not the villain you're looking for."

    Brittica X: "Jedi mind tricks won't work on me, Obi-Wan!"

    Antestarr: "I thought I was Beast?"

    Brittica X: "You're whatever cultural reference I decide you are."

    She clambers from underneath the hillock of bodies.

    Maxim X: "I can't feel my... anything..."

    Brittica X: "Alright, alright. Get off him. He's way too ginger to be TLTE. Even in disguise TLTE wouldn't have hair that outrageous."

    Al Ciao: "Why are you look--"


    Rob X: "What the--!?"

    Three bodies suddenly slammed into the glass wall of a room otherwise filled with mysterious and mystical fog. Mecha Lou, who is pinned facing the glass, manages to groan out a sentence.

    Mecha Lou: "Fly... you... fools!"

    The three of them are then suddenly dragged back again into the mist. The black fog seems to get thicker and thicker before it begins to seep through the cracks that had formed in the glass from the slamming of bodies into it.

    Cygnus X: "Definitely in favour of flying. Or fleeing. Or running. Or whatever the robo-woman said."

    Al Ciao: "But, my--"

    Antestarr puts a hand on Al Ciao's shoulder and passes him Lior, the baby.

    Antestarr: "You have a child to protect, Al. Go."

    Al Ciao looks down at the baby. He thinks of his other children. f Iriana. Of the alien... thing. Of Lucy. He was never there for Iriana. He couldn't be there for... the alien. And he isn't permitted into Lucy's life. But now he has Lior and it's now time for him to be the father he has never been before.

    He runs, child in arm.

    Antestarr: "We should put up a stand to give Al some time to escape with the baby."

    Cygnus X: "Why are we going to risk our lives for them?"

    Maxim X: "Because we're X-Men!!"

    Rob X: "No! Because we're the Cult of X. And we stand our ground in the name of Plot!"

    Brittica X: "Well said, Rob. Enough of the X-Men stuff. Get ready!"

    The black mist suddenly lurches at the glass, which shudders the whole room. Brittica looks sidelong at Antestarr.

    Brittica X: "And you? Why're you here? Where's your sudden heroic duty re-emerged from?"

    Antestarr: "My friend has a child..."

    He then gives Brittica X another rare smile.

    Antestarr: "Besides, you guys are here. Can't desert you now, can I?"


    The villains finally barge their way into the Colosseum and group up in the centre of the arena. At the dead centre of that arena stands a single figure. A lone man.

    Ares: "Welcome! To the Colosseum!!"

    Totallyevil: "What the--? Does this guy own a monopoly on all Colosseums or something?"

    Ares: "Actually I'm just here for the opening ceremony of this Colosseum. This Colosseum belongs to--"

    Athena: "Athena!! God of Wisdom and War!"

    Ares: "And you are all the new combatants for the latest series of pay-per-view battles of epicness!"

    Adolf Hitler: "Nothing like a war to celebrate our freedom!!"

    There is a begrudging acceptance of this truth, though no one really wants to agree with a creep like Adolf Hitler.

    Athena: "Form up into two teams and prepare for battle!!"

    Ares: "Ladies and gentleman at home, prepare yourselves for the greatest event of the season!"

    Evil G: "This is our chance to escape!"

    Chris the BadGuy: "We should make our saviours the leaders of our teams!"

    Villains: "YEEEEAH!!"

    Evil G:

    Totallyevil: "Wait, who the Hell're you anyway? Why do you have a name!?"

    Chris the BadGuy: "Because I'm important! Somehow. Maybe I will be! Bwahahahaha!"

    Totallyevil: "They just don't write villains like they used to..."

    Chris the BadGuy: "C'mon! Cut me some slack! I have an evil lair and everything!"

    Totallyevil: "You do?"

    Chris the BadGuy: "Yeah! I claimed it ten minutes ago. It was the women's bathroom, but now it's decked out with evil paraphernalia. I'm going to turn one of the toilet stalls into a pit of oblivion."

    Totallyevil: "I want to be on the opposing team to this cretin!"

    Chris the BadGuy:

  33. #1833

    Of Displaced Destinies

    In the grand, tangled knot of a thread that is the Never-ending Story, where story conventions rule with an iron fist-- well, the sort of iron fist that's rusting and outpaced by better metals found through real science, the sort of iron fist that strikes mad and erratic even by its own standards, the sort of iron fist still strangely welcomed by its subjects out of pure perception of its coolness and familiarity and--

    --erm, like I was saying, in the NeS, destinies are woven through its characters like polyester in bargain-bin T-shirts. Everyone has one. Most destinies are hardly worth calling destinies, and are all that are afforded to the vast majority of minor characters. Some have a rich and powerful destiny that impress just about everyone. Destinies are inherited and built, invested into better destinies or squandered for cheap thrills or hidden away never to see the light of day. As the end of this story thread approaches, so do many destinies, even those unfulfilled destinies obliviated by the Twice-Forgotten...

    Cool Matty: "ARGH! Why can't I remember why I came here?"

    For (p)ages now, it seems, the young mageling and inactive NeS hero, Cool Matty, has been stepping to and from the Magium, the hub of all the great magic users of the Never-ending Story.

    Cool Matty: "It was something really important, I'm sure of it... it has to be..."

    When he first arrived, Hermes and the other high mages kicked him out for trespassing and destruction of property. Cool Matty had initially reasoned that he arrived for training, as many mages commonly do at the Magium, and had been repeatedly told that no invitation had been granted. He reasoned that he certainly wouldn't have destroyed property maliciously and that some magic must have altered their memories, as memory manipulation also commonly plagued the magic community, and the high mages confirmed that no such foul play had played part in Cool Matty's crime. Story wielding crossed Cool Matty's mind, but that only cemented his belief that he had forgotten something, which felt a feat in itself to have uncovered from the unreliable scripts of the story. He would often walk away from the Magium, teeter on the edge of remembering something, and promptly fail to conjure his purpose when he turned back around. The Guniess Book of World Records recorded Cool Matty as having the most consistent pacing around the Magium premises, which was then promptly broken by Alfred Nguyen-Winn, the night shift cafeteria chef of the Magium, when he realized such a world record existed.

    His newly-wed wife, Mimiru, gave great patience while Cool Matty would spend sleepless nights at the Magium gates. She stayed by his side, paying for local lodging for the nights that Cool Matty collapsed from exhaustion and for food when he would eat. Eventually, though, Cool Matty convinced her that she needed to attend her own obligations, and she begrudgingly agreed to no more than a visit every week and a call every day. Today, she arrives for one of her weekly visits. She sighs as she wiggles a milkshake into Cool Matty's hand. He absent-mindedly drinks from it as he continues pacing.

    Mimiru: "Honey, how long are you going to do this?"

    Cool Matty: "I!--"

    He holds himself back from lashing his frustration out.

    Cool Matty: "...I don't know. Please, don't worry about me."

    Mimiru: "You know better than to say that. I'm your wife, remember?"

    Cool Matty: "Yes, you're right..."

    Mimiru: "I know I'm right. I know this is important to you, dear. This place is very important for mages--"

    Cool Matty: "It's not just that!"

    Mimiru: "I know, I know... is the Magium even open? It seems deserted."

    Cool Matty: "There's been some commotion lately, but I haven't been able to find out what it's about. I think the resident mages are out dealing with whatever that's about."

    Mimiru: "If I had to guess, it's probably because the end of the world is almost here."

    Cool Matty: "It's always almost the end of the world."

    Mimiru: "I meant with the NeS."

    Cool Matty: "Oh... well, we've had at least one of those before too, right? I'm sure things will be fine..."

    Mimiru: "Our friends could use our help, you know. And I bet you feel that you need something here to help them, but I can tell you that you're all the help they'll need just as you are. Just as the man I married."

    She looks into his eyes with reaching love. His gaze turns to her for a moment, then back to the Magium. She looks down at his hand, holding it with her own, their wedding rings visible.

    Mimiru: "Well I can at least tell you what you've been missing out on, since I'm pretty sure you haven't been following the news lately. There's a new Queen of England, and its Maeve. Crazy, right? She's enlisted the Forgotten into an army of Remembered. France has a new Emperor now. Nyneve, the NeSferatu, I think. And some big riot is going on just now in Rome--"

    Cool Matty jerked in place, spun around and held Mimiru by the shoulders.

    Cool Matty: "Did you say Nyneve?"

    Mimiru: "Yes?"

    Cool Matty: "She once trained under Merlin, one of the greatest mages in history."

    Mimiru: "Wasn't his greatness due to marketing?"

    Cool Matty: "This is it! My reason for being here! Thank you, Mimiru! Something about Nyneve... UGH! SO CLOSE! What is it?"

    Mimiru: "Cool Matty, wait!"

    He was in the zone, however, and paid no attention to Mimiru as his pacing renewed with fervered speed.

    Mimiru: "Note to self, include current events in the list of things not to bring up anymore..."
    Last edited by Gebohq; 05-29-2015 at 02:25 PM.

  34. #1834

    Resurrected Potential

    The Second Ragnarok will be heralded with the breaking of Seven Seals by evil true. Evil true will break out imprisoned evil with imprisoned evil, evil true will break the heart of an empire and its heir, evil true will break its coveted potential to resurrect its own...
    North-west of Rome, The Last True Evil marches through an ancient and unused ruin of the once Roman road of Via Aurelia with nothing but his discipline to drive him. Once, long ago, he charged forth, causing the destruction of Jupiter and murdering his close friend Michael McLongname to save his love, Losien. Once again, just moments ago, he caused evil in hope to save his love, freeing the villains from their prison and murdering a company president to do so. Now, The Last True Evil marches alone in all but the thoughts of his past...

    ...alone, that is, until he reaches a crossroad, where a familiar figure stands waiting under a ruined archway.

    The Last True Evil: "Quo Anima."

    The figure, Qho Anima, steps forward, and The Last True Evil fears in a way not felt since coming face to face with his own Potential. In many ways, the Potential resembles disturbingly close to Amal, and in other, increasingly darker ways, resembles The Last True Evil himself.

    The Last True Evil: "You were wrong. Evil is loose, and Losien is far from my side."

    Qho Anima: "You knew what you were getting into."

    The Last True Evil: "Yes, and I would have done it without your words."

    Not letting go of his gaze on Qho Anima, The Last True Evil draws his favored revolver loaded with Mayaal's Tears.

    The Last True Evil: "I only have one question for you."

    He raises the revolver at Qho Anima's head, who does not react.

    The Last True Evil: "Why?"

    The Potential smiles, full of teeth and ill-intent.

    Qho Anima: "Pain and death."

    The Last True Evil: "No, it can't be..."


    Back in Rome, within the mish-mash of ancient ruin and future patchworked Coliseum, the villains naturally divide themselves into two legions. In a commentator seating, Ares and Athena rattle off statistics of various bad guys and how the teams are shaping up. Refereeing on various sides are Helebon, Vashuko, and Darkside from the year 3000, and "refereeing" in this case mostly consists of keeping the more cowardly contenders from escaping, tossing the latecomers into the fight, and "cleaning up" when necessary. The three are also orchestrating their part in the formation of the two teams.

    Helebon: "Each side needs a team captain!"

    Chris the BadGuy: "Los--"

    TotallyEvil: "LOSIEN!"

    Darkside3000: "She yelled loudest, Losien goes to them."

    Chris the BadGuy: "Aww man!"

    Losien and the other heroes exchange pained looks as TotallyEvil, a demon from page 6, and Burrito Boy from page 19 carry Losien to their side.

    Helebon: "And for the other team--"


    The villains all start "ooo"-ing like overgrown children.


    Gebohq: "Hey, what are you doing, buddy? You sound as if you want to be among them."

    Amal stares with cold eyes at his 'uncle' Gebohq.

    Evil G: "Looks like he's joining the other team. I should know, I've done that."

    Gebohq: "Stop joking!"

    Evil G: "Do you see me laughing? I mean, it's kind of funny in that so-serious-that-laughing-is-a-defense sort of way I suppose--"

    Vashuko: "Amal will lead the other team then! Team Losien, select your next 'hero' to lead with you."

    The various bad guys scream in cacophony for conflicting members, rushing Losien to pick someone who will upset them the least...


    The Last True Evil: "I killed my Potential. You're Amal's, not mine!"

    Qho Anima: "And who raised him from his pitiful pit? Who trained him to grow in skill and power? Who filled him with desire to become everything you wanted to be? Everything you really are? Amal was little more than a blank slate, a vessel for your Potential to rise from the ashes like a phoenix."

    TLTE's firm grip on his revolver begins to falter as Qho Anima steps closer.

    Qho Anima: "Even now, Amal stands poised to seize control of the enemies you let loose for evil ambitions. You can feel the choking grip of all that you've failed to do and yet to do before you, and yet it's not only your own Potential of old that threatens you but the resurrected Potential you bore fruit."

    The revolver in TLTE's hand starts to lower, and Qho Anima now stands nearly in front of him.

    Qho Anima: "You thought you could escape your destiny, leave a heroic legacy in the likes of Amal and Losien, and defy convention and the calculations of those like Master Thand. And yet here you are. You've served your fate as 'ultimate villain' in breaking the first two seals well, and now, after having broken your own Potential before, here I stand again, reborn, to break the third seal. Soon, you'll break the other seals in fulfillment of your fate, then certainly die with the pain that you've caused."

    Face-to-face, Qho Anima locks eyes with The Last True Evil's.

    Qho Anima: "Thand foresaw your destiny, and now I stand witness to its coming completion of the Second Ragnarok. I told you words that will haunt you for the rest of your numbered posts, and I will show the world the power of the hidden Potential now in Amal. Pain and death."


    The heroes now divided, Losien throws a pleading look to Amal. He stands tall and terrifying, holding his silver crown high above his head to annoint himself...


    A decay-filled mass of pus and blood and ink scratch and spill unnoticed in the cracks of the crossroads that The Last True Evil and Qho Anima stand upon.

    Qho Anima: "Inevitability...vlip, as you might say, yes?"

    Holstering his revolver, The Last True Evil stands resolute once more against his adversary, his accent and stance increasing in weight.

    The Last True Evil: "I have realized mistake now."

    Qho Anima: "Is that so?"

    The Last True Evil: "Yes. I try running from destiny, from 'ultimate villain' I am meant to be. Thinking I am victim of circumstance, that I can only run. I am not like tovarish, Gebohq. There is other option... I become potential."

    Monstrous tendrils emerge from The Last True Evil's body, threatening to engulf Qho Anima. The Potential shouts a defiant, single laugh.

    Qho Anima: "No one can fight their own Potential and succeed. I let you kill last time, so that I could rise again anew. You are the ashes, and Amal is my fuel. If more suffering is what you need, though, I will provide..."


    Amal secures the crown upon his head, and the legions of villains scream wild.


    Qho Anima's eyes suddenly shoot wide open in sudden clarity.

    Qho Anima: "No, wait--"

    But it is too late for the Potential. The dark tendrils of The Last True Evil engulf Qho Anima, leaving behind only screaming.


    As the villains cheer uncontrollably, Amal shoots his hand up high in an open palm fashion.


    Shockingly, everybody stops, and not a sound can be heard. They all intently stare at Amal out of fearful respect.

    Amal: "I am not the one who freed you from your prison. None of us here are. You all were freed by The Last True Evil."

    Evil G: "Psst, Amal, you might be new to the whole bad guy shtick, so here's some advice -- don't tell the truth."

    Amal ignores Evil G and continues addressing the crowd.

    Amal: "The Last True Evil has fled, and we need to pursue him before he can usher in the Second End of this Never-ending Story Thread!"

    Rachel: "And I thought this kid was smart..."


    The Last True Evil, standing alone once more, marches again, driven now by the future that he unravels with his own hands...
    Last edited by Gebohq; 06-14-2015 at 11:14 PM.

  35. #1835
    Tea-sipper, character-killer


    In Canada, the Prince of Darkness himself had returned to Hell.

    Mr Nine: "Bloody Hell! These utility bills are enormous! What have you lot been powering in here? Las Vegas!?"

    Devil's Advocate: "Liberace has been visiting recently."

    Mr Nine: "Well... I can't really complain about that. Liberace is Liberace. What can you do?"

    Majordomo: "Good to have you back, Mr Nine!"

    The Next True Evil: "Speak for yourself..."

    Mr Nine: "Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't have to be here if you guys were half competent! You know I'm supposed to be on a secret mission, right? Where the Hell're half my demons anyway? I've seen like..."

    He counts on his fingers.

    Mr Nine: "Eight or something. Usually there's hundreds. Where is everyone?"

    Majordomo: "Most of them are in Athena's Colosseum in Rome, Mr Nine. Demons are normally considered villains so lots of us got mixed up in that whole... scenario."

    Mr Nine: "So I was right. You guys are incompetent without me around."

    A sudden blinding light causes everyone bar Mr Nine to retract and wince in horror.

    Majordomo: "It burns!!"

    Devil's Advocate: "It bites!!!"

    The Next True Evil: "It bloody blinds!! Christ, someone turn that down!"

    Seraphim: "Sorry. My holy light goes a bit mental when devil spawn are in such concentrated numbers."

    Seraphim, former heavenly angel, enters the room. She had arrived in Canada along with Mr Nine, who just so happens to be her boyfriend; their relationship recently rekindled. Hence the "former". Even the new God considered devils for slaying, and he used to be one.

    The Next True Evil: "Oh great, Mrs Nine is here."

    Seraphim: "Mrs Nine!?"

    Angels in the world of the NeS are rarely what one would imagine. In fact, they're normally quite violent and resent traditional patriarchy ideals. Seraphim thumps The Next True Evil and sends him flying through the closest window.

    Seraphim: "Oops? Sorry, I suppose I should go and catch him..."

    Mr Nine:
    "Don't bother. He'll land on his feet, I'm sure. Then drag his mangled body back up here for demonic renewal. It's really no big deal. Hell, I've thrown him through a few windows already."

    Devil's Advocate: "I take it, Mr Nine, that you're back to put things in order?"

    Mr Nine: "Something like that, yeah. Seems like everything's gone mental since I left! You've been here mucking about with Liberace instead of getting our demons out there to control the situation! You're supposed to be advocating me!"

    Devil's Advocate:
    "I apologise, Mr Nine. But Liberace and the.. sparkles..."

    Mr Nine: "Okay. First order of business. Get God on the line."

    Devil's Advocate: "We've tried many times, Mr Nine, but God is just... reluctant to get involved right now. Something about a go-karting track."

    Mr Nine: "..."

    Devil's Advocate: "Jim7 is just not the man he used to be. When he was Mr Seven he was a dedicated devil with a hand in every pie. Now that he's become God, he's become... lazy. Frankly."

    Mr Nine: "Oh for God's sake!"

    Devil's Advocate: "Exactly."

    Mr Nine: "No.. that's not what I -- forget it. We need information. Infinite wisdom."

    Majordomo: "The tomes?"

    Mr Nine: "No, I've just come from there. I need... him."

    Majordomo: "Not... him!?"

    Mr Nine: "Yes... him."

    Seraphim: "Who's... him?"

    Majordomo: "But he--"

    Mr Nine: "Just call him!"

    Majordomo picks up the phone and calls a number.

    Majordomo: "Hi, is Liberace there?"

    Mr Nine:
    "NO!! NOT HIM!!! God damn it..."


    Jim sneezes.

    Jim: "I wish people would stop saying my name."

    Archangel Bertwick: "My Lord! I have some fantastic news!"

    Jim: "My go-kart track is ready!!?"

    Archangel Bertwick: "Uh... no, my Lord. Something else."


    Archangel Bertwick: "Don't be sad, my Lord. It's good news!"

    Archangel Samael: "Out with it, Bertwick!"

    Archangel Bertwick: "Well, we've always had a lack of an advocate. The Devil has one, but not God."

    Jim: "Yeah, I remember him. Useless. I kept him locked in a cupboard."

    Archangel Bertwick: "Right... well... I managed to get you a new advocate. One you don't have to put in a cupboard."

    Jim: "I didn't put the last one in there because I had to. I did it because I wanted to."

    Archangel Bertwick: "Urm..."

    Archangel Samael: "Just show us."

    A couple of angels pushed a trolley in. Atop of the trolley were some fleshy remains of a man...

    Jim: "What am I supposed to do with that?"

    Archangel Bertwick: "If you were to resurrect him, Lord, he would be the ultimate God's Advocate. He already was. He's from the world's greatest God-fearing nation. And he is very... patriotic."

    Jim sighs.

    Jim: "I haven't got anything better to do."

    He snaps his fingers and the body parts start to merge together, limbs regrow, tissue springs forth. As the face grows, the man's eyes snap open and he roars with anger and pain. When the process is finally over, he groans and sits up.

    Jim: "You're the new God Advocate. Congrats."

    Man: "I thought I already was..."

    Jim: "That's the spirit."

    Jim snorts at his own joke.

    Jim: "Geddit? Spirit? Because I put his spirit back...? No? Screw you guys."

    Jim turns away from them, jumps into his go-kart and whizzes off throughout his heavenly palace in Burundi. The two Archangel's focus their attention on the reborn human.

    Archangel Bertwick: "We'd best get you some clothes or you'll frighten the ladies with that... well. Clothes."

    Man: "Get me something... American."

    Moments later, the man slides his arms into the cloth trench coat and, slowly, puts his hat on. He admires himself in the mirror. He was ready for action once again. With God and America on his side, he could not fail. He steps onto the balcony, his coat tails whipping in the fresh breeze.

    "I need to reach my team. Get a status report."

    Archangel Bertwick: "Records say your team... are all gone. Except, perhaps, one... token member. We can send you to him."

    Man: "I'm ready."

    Archangel Bertwick: "Just remember who you're advocating and all will be well."

    Man: "I know who I'm advocating. For God and Country. I am... The Patriot."


    Mr Nine, Majordomo and Seraphim stand in a triangle. They're surrounded by a thick, black mist that not even their super-meta powers can pierce. Seraphim's wings shine like beacons - beacons shrouded by darkness.

    Majordomo: "He is here, Sire. I can feel his presence."

    Mr Nine: "I feel nothing..."

    Majordomo: "Exactly."

    The Sepulchral Phantom, Morthrandur, emerges from the mist as though he were a part of the very darkness that surrounds them. His tall, seemingly inhuman, form drifted towards them rather than walked. His voice is like a whispering echo.

    Morthrandur: "An unexpected visit... how long has it been since I have had one of these..."

    Mr Nine: "Spill the beans, Mothandum. Motrandar. Morthrundam... God damn it. Why can't you have a normal name like... Mel? I'll call you Mel from now on..."

    The Sepulchral Phantom doesn't respond to this.

    Mr Nine: "Like I said, Mel, tell us what's going on in the NeS."

    Morthrandur: "There are a great many things... "going on" in the Never-ending Story..."

    Mr Nine: "And what do you think would bring me here? You think I'd come here for anything less than..."

    Morthrandur: "Even yo hesitate to say it. Ruler of Hell and yet you are afraid of it. The Ever-ending Plot."

    Mr Nine: "... I am afraid of it. On behalf of existence, I am afraid of it."

    Morthrandur: "Your predecessor would have shrugged off concern."

    Mr Nine: "Mr Eight was a fool."

    Morthrandur: "And his predecessor would have, and did, challenge the Ever-ending Plot."

    Mr Nine: "Mr Seven was an arrogant fool."

    Morthrandur: "And his predecessor w--"

    Mr Nine: "Are you going to list them all, dude? Seriously? I don't mean to rush you, but..."

    Morthrandur: "Your fear may be your undoing..."

    Mr Nine: "Or it may be my advantage. I didn't come here for the platitudes, Mel. Tell me what I need to know. How is it coming back? When?"

    Morthrandur: "It is already here..."

    Seraphim: "What!? Already!?"

    Morthrandur: "Indeed. It slips through the cracks. Here and there."

    Mr Nine: "What were you doing with the child? Were you trying to provoke it?"

    Morthrandur: "In a manner..."

    Seraphim: "You seek its return?"

    Morthrandur: "Its return is inevitable."

    Seraphim: "Then why provoke it?"

    Morthrandur: "How do you defeat something that is not present? If there is no cancer to treat, how can you treat it? Allow the entity to infest itself and then... deal with it."

    Majordomo: "Wait... so you are trying to help?"

    Mr Nine: "In his own twisted way, it seems."

    Morthrandur: "The Ever-ending Plot grows ever stronger with every passing Page. The Writer's ink blots and runs across the page like a dark wave. The sooner it happens, the less damage is done."

    Mr Nine: "And there's no way to prevent it ever coming here?"

    Morthrandur: "None. The universes beyond our own are already blighted. The fractured worlds of gods and men are now awash with... The End."

    Seraphim: "And how can it be defeated this time? Last time it was only through a stroke of... luck! The Main Character was able to... shatter the NeS and create something new... a kind of... reset..."

    The Sepulchral Phantom steps away from the trio.

    Morthrandur: "That is not for me to say, but for the Characters of the NeS to figure out for themselves. This is the only way."

    He evaporates into the mists of darkness and is gone. The three of them try to relax their tense muscles but the sensation that they are still being watched cannot be shaken.

    "I have to return to Bungybungy."

    Majordomo snorts.

    Majordomo: "Bungybungy!?"

    Seraphim: "Quiet you."

    Mr Nine looks downcast. He spreads his arms and Seraphim floats into them. He holds her. She clutches his shoulders. Majordomo turns away with embarrassment. She looks up at him. Their lips touch, then they are engulfed in a tornado of Hellfire. The whipping flames only last for a brief moment... then they, and she, are gone.

    Mr Nine: "Come, Majordomo... we have to prepare."


    NSP: This post ties with the "Hero Force One" thread. Seraphim returns to that Story as of now. Likely The Patriot will also, unless someone wants him here in the NeS. Mr Nine, as ruler of Hell, is now back in the NeS as he'll probably be a necessary figure in the upcoming NeS events.

  36. #1836
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Not the Bees!

    A moment after Amal's announcement, the heroes that are gathered in Athena's Colosseum are tied up and bound to stakes. The villains are all suddenly wearing hoods and are preparing wicker cages for a good, old-fashioned cultist-style burning.

    In the corner of her eye she spies Chris the Badguy with a bottle filled with bees! Losien starts squirming frantically.



    NSP: Officially the shortest post I have ever made.

  37. #1837
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow DarkSide - Expanded Origins

    Rome, Prime Inc.

    Antestarr feels the darkness swelling around him. The coldness he feels is unnatural, a creeping and burrowing chill not unlike the touch of death upon his once mortal frame. He hears Brittica crying out and fighting against the inevitable embrace of the Dark. To be consumed by something to vast and immense seems almost... a privilege. Antestar had always fought against DarkSide, often even mocked the entity and never truly feared it. Now he feels fear. He feels horror. He feels that Darkness...


    Thousands of years ago. Hell is a very different place. An entire world of Hellish biodomes, lands controlled by rival demons beneath a single ruler - Satan. Power struggles were rampant amongst these demon counts, dukes and kings. But few challenged that Prince of Darkness himself.

    One particularly ancient and crooked citadel looms tall and dark against the inferno sky that swirled and broiled angrily. Below the citadel are the lands controlled by Satan himself; ruler of Hell and known as Number Two.

    Satan: "That's Mister Two! Mister! How many times!!"


    Satan: "And, you of all people, should really call me by my real name..."


    Satan: "It's Stan! Some pillock added an a on the registration form when I became Mister Two. I'm thinking of changing the title of ruler of Hell to Stan. So all my predecessors will be known as Stan. Good plan for me longevity, eh?"

    Marcus: "You know they'll probably only remember to call themselves Satan, right? But at least people know who you are, brother. Me? No one remembers me..."

    In stepped Marcus , brother of Stan. He was broad-shouldered, white skinned and shaved his dark hair off. He ran his thick, calloused hand across the bristles on his head. Despite his stature and demeanour, he was inwardly insecure about his position within Hell and its hierarchy.

    Stan: "You could always find our father and off him? That'll bag you some street cred, bro!"

    Marcus: "Don't go there, Stan. It's that kind of scheming that put you in a bad lot with the man upstairs."

    Stan: "I'm the God damned Devil! I should be entitled to a bit of scheming!!"

    Marcus: "Turning yourself into a snake and trying to chat up women... don't you think that was a bit of a mistake?"

    Stan: "Man, Eve was one hot mama."

    Marcus: "Yeah... but a snake?"

    Stan: "Chicks dig snakes! It's a metaphor for my enormous--"

    Marcus: "Dick!"

    Stan: "Well, I was gong to be more polite... oh, you mean him."

    Dick, otherwise known as Richard, walked in and saluted to Marcus. He was Marcus' right hand in military matters. He had also had his tongue ripped out of his mouth decades ago by none-other-than Satan himself.

    Dick handed Marcus a letter.

    Letter: "I have arrived."

    "But maybe times can change, right Stan?"

    Stan frowned.

    Stan: "Hopefully not too much..."


    The eye of Satan was said to gaze across all of Hell like a searchlight and none could escape his glare for long. Treachery against Satan was all but impossible. But even the eye of Satan could not pierce the complexity that was The Labyrinth. Even the Minotaur, who was supposed to guard the Labyrinth, wound up so lost in there that no one has ever found the poor bugger. Marcus, however, knew secret paths that allowed him to slip in and out of one particular zone without detection or compromise. And there he met with his most secret of associates.

    Shady Character: "I've risked all for you, Marcus."

    Marcus: "I know. I'm sorry I've put you in danger..."

    The shady character pulls back her hood to reveal her heavenly light. Her silky, brown hair laps over her shoulders in gentle waves. Her brown skin glistens with potential light within. She looks up at Marcus with large, bright eyes of endearment.

    No Longer So Shady Character: "My Lord Marcus, the process is almost complete. I will be able to transfer all of my gifts and knowledge into you, granting you ever-lasting power and dominion over your rivals here in the depths of Hell... but... what will become of you, I am not certain."

    Marcus: "What do you mean, Verrine?"

    Verrine: "No demon is supposed to contain the light and knowledge of an angel, Marcus. This... has never been done before."

    Marcus: "That makes us unique, Verrine. We'll be the first of our kind."

    Verrine: "... you do love me, Marcus?"

    Marcus: "The only love I can feel is yours, Verrine. You are my beacon in this darkness."

    Despite her reservations, Verrine desperately wanted to trust and believe in the man, the demon, she loved. she cast those doubts aside and went headlong with her plan. The set a date and time...

    Originally Posted by DrkJedi82
    Long ago in the world of the dead a damned soul, who as a mortal went by the name of Marcus, was being promoted to the rank of General in Satan's army.


    Marcus: My loyalty belongs only to the armies of Hell and the flaming hand of Satan.

    The crowd chants as Marcus is branded with the mark of the Generals. The ceremony now over, everyone heads off for the party.

    Marcus: To the fall of the universe!

    The soldiers at Marcus's table raise their glasses and let out a grunt before drinking

    Marcus: I shall return shortly... I must take a leak...

    Marcus leaves for the little spirit's room.

    Jeremy: Marcus was a good choice for General... he is an excellent leader

    Max: Yes... remember when the fight against the Ghglriuhnss turned from bad to worse and everyone thought they would break through the line and make it to the Black Fortress but who led us to a victory?

    everyone: Marcus!

    Just then an old soldier walked up to the table hearing the men praising Marcus

    Helebon: Marcus this, Marcus that... I suppose Marcus can walk on lava too...

    Max: oh shut up Helebon, you're drunk... go home and get sober

    Helebon: Don't you all see it's Jim7... him and that Marcus plot against us all...

    Jeremy: careful what you say old man... you're lucky we don't report your comments... now just go home

    Helebon leaves as Marcus walks up to the table.

    Marcus: Is that old man still speaking his drunken nonsense?

    Ug: Yes, I do not like him, he smells of **** demon.

    Marcus: Well I am afraid I must leave...

    Marcus leaves the party... moments later he meets with a rather shady looking character (remember this is hell and this character is shady looking... in hell)

    shady character: Marcus, were you followed?

    Marcus: No... nobody followed me...

    sc: Are you ready to recieve the knowledge?

    Marcus: Yes... I am ready... by this time tomorrow Jim7's rule over Hell will end

    sc: Ahh.. ambition... let's hope for your sake that it will not lead to your end...

    The shady looking character reaches out his hand and places it on top of Marcus's hand... a low rumbling noise is heard and the shady character is entire absorbed into Marcus

    Marcus?: I... we... feel different... must not say we... they will suspect us... yes must only say I for now...

    Marcus head for his home...

    ...the next morning Marcus heads off to take command of 200 of Hell's finest soldiers

    Marcus: We head to the northern wasteland... reports of Lost Souls attacking some of the villages have reached us and we have been ordered to take care of it...

    Marcus and his men march off to the wastelands of the north...

    ...some time later

    Max: our scout just returned... he said the villages have not been attacked in a long time

    Marcus: under his breathWe know this.

    Max: wha...

    Before Max could finish his last word Marcus had devoured and absorbed all 200 soldiers under his command

    Marcus: No longer Marcus we are... something more powerful... WE... ARE... DARKSIDE...


    Antestarr can almost feel the other souls consumed within the Dark. He can feel their suffering, their desperation, their confusion. He can feel how they are connected to each other... Then a single, solitary soul seems to glow... brighter than the rest. The first soul consumed by this sinister, dark curse.

    A light suddenly shines, expands and pulses with ever surging energy. The divine light is so powerful it hurts Antestarr's body and soul. But it also hurts DarkSide and Antestarr feels his grip weakening. The NeSferatu strains to open his eyes. At the centre of that light, he sees that first soul. The woman he, and the others, had come to know as Lady LightSide. Once two separate souls, one released through circumstance and the predominant darkness was held within. Now separated again, after all this time. A battle of the Dark shroud and brilliant Light ensues.

    Antestarr is sure it lasts for days, but it may have been seconds. He couldn't tell. He wants to close his eyes and sleep. Or die. He couldn't tell the difference here. Death by Darkness or death by Light.

    Then he feels a tugging sensation. Human contact.

    Brittica tries to pull Antestarr from the dark shroud. Somehow the Sleeper had gotten free of the Dark and sought to help her erstwhile companion. Seeing Brittica brings a surge of primal desire, the desire to live.

    Brittica: "Glad you clarified that, Narrator! I was about to ditch the pervert!"

    Antestarr: "Just get me out, Britt!"


    Al Ciao is sitting on an old bench not far from Prime Inc. Although he is facing the building, his eyes are locked on his new baby.

    Al Ciao: "Don't worry, bubbikins. Daddy's here. Who's a good little potato? Yes. Yes it's you! Who's my little potato?"

    Antestarr: "She does look like a potato..."

    Al Ciao looks up to see Antestarr sitting beside him.

    Al Ciao: "Antestarr!!"

    Brittica: "I think she looks like a loaf of bread."

    Al Ciao turns his head to see a woman he'd met for a few minutes.

    Al Ciao: "Sexy chick I don't know!!"

    Brittica: "No... don't call me that."

    Al Ciao: "Aw, c'mon, I'm the resident chauvinist these days. I'm the most fertile man in history, you know?"

    Brittica cringes.

    Antestarr: "Uh... seriously, don't even... go anywhere near there with this one, Al. For everyone's mental stability."

    Al Ciao's face suddenly falls.

    Al Ciao: "Wait... what about... is she...?"

    Suddenly there's an explosion of dark mist from the building of Prime Inc. It hangs in the air for a short moment, then coalesces in a sudden surge that spears towards Al Ciao - at its tip is a face that screaming with rage and hatred. Teeth barred it snaps its human's teeth shut just an inch from Al Ciao's face. And then the face of Marcus, of DarkSide, flies off into the sky in a silken dark trail across the blue sky.

    Al Ciao: "I think I pooped myself."

    Antestarr: "Could be your baby..."

    Al checks.

    Al Ciao: "Nope. Definitely me."

    From the doorway steps a single, glowing woman. She gracefully walks over to Al Ciao, leans down and holds out her arms. Al Ciao places his new baby into the arms of his wife...

  38. #1838
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    Al has his arms around Lady Lightside as she rocks their new baby in her arms.

    Al: Lighty... you're okay?

    Lady Lightside kisses the little potato's forehead, and turns to Al.

    Lady Lightside: Verrine.

    Al: What?

    Lady Lightside/Verrine: My name is Verrine. I've been trapped so long inside the Darkside, I forgot my name, forgot who I was. Your love, or I suppose it was initially simply your lust, enabled my freedom due to the pregnancy tropes.

    Al: Verrine... I'm so glad you're okay. And Lior... our baby girl.

    Antestarr: Okay, what is it with you and daughters, Al?

    Mecha Lou staggers out of the building, sweaty and exhausted. Several of her metal bits have rusted, despite not being made of oxidizing material. The chill presence of pure evil can do that.

    Mecha Lou: I suspect his old powerplaying self had something to do with that. In the NeS, he was afraid of being vulnerable to tropes, and one old trope of myth is that sons grow to overthrow their fathers. So with a simple exertion of his powers, he altered his makeup to only contribute X chromosomes.

    Al: Wait... does this mean I'm going to have a son someday, who will try to kill me??? I can just see Britt the Writer cackling with glee over the possibilities a story arc like that would bring.

    Mecha Lou: No, even though you're not a powerplayer anymore, the 'fixing' of yourself remains ironclad and permanent.

    Al: Whew!

    Mecha Lou: Although I can definitely see a sod like Britt the Writer coming up with one of your daughters trying to kill you, in a slickly ironic twist...



    In the Massassi Writers' Offices...

    Britt the Writer: A POST!

    Geb the Writer: Pfft, just a short thing focusing entirely on his own character. Rather egotistical, in fact.

    Britt the Writer: But still... A POST!

    Geb the Writer: Look at that... he's so lazy, he's even nicking off one of your old posts, where you and I had this exact same conversation.

    Britt the Writer: Impossible, this is the Writer's Realm, not the story!

    Geb the Writer: Then why are you reading from a script?

  39. #1839
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    In Athena's Coliseum, our heroes are tied helplessly to stakes, and Chris the Badguy is menacingly approaching them with a jar of bees.

    TotallyEvil: Pfft. Noob.

    Chris the Badguy: What? They obviously fear the bees!

    TotallyEvil: Maybe... But shickling sticks are so much better!

    As one, all the villains draw electrified feathers, and Chris finds himself the only villain without one.

    Chris the Badguy: Aw...

    Thus armed, all the villains set to work tickling and shocking the heroes, who scream with agonizing laughter. What will happen to our NeS heroes now? Are they doomed to be the playthings of the villains forever? Will--

    Helebon: BORING!

    Stalin's Clone's Ghost: What? It's quite fun.

    I say, that's not a comment on my narrative skills, is it?

    Helebon: Shut up, Narrator! This is a Coliseum, you prats. Made for epic fights of the centuries of the weeks!

    Ares: Whoa, hold on, that's MY Coliseum's slogan--

    Helebon: Not boring one-sided tickling sessions!

    Chris the Badguy: Told you we should have stuck with the bees!

    Helebon: Shut up, Chris!

    Chris the Badguy: Aw...

    Helebon: Let's split up into teams again!

    Vashuko: Not to rain on your parade, Helebon, old chap, but the heroes are tremendously outnumbered, so it wouldn't be a very entertaining contest, just a two-second curbstomp.

    Helebon: Shut up, Vashuko! You're an Earthbound demon who forswore loyalty to my hellish dominion!

    Vashuko: You haven't ruled Hell in thousands of years...

    Helebon: ANYWAY! Untie them and let the fight begin!

    Darkside3000, aka General Marcus, possessed by legions of dark spirits, from the future year A.D. 3000 and exponentially more powerful than the present-day Darkside who just unsuccessfully tried to eat Al's baby, raises a shadowy finger.

    Darkside3000: Actually, Dad, that would just be a boring two-second curbstomp.

    Helebon: Good point!

    Vashuko: I just said that...

    Helebon: Let's go round up more heroes to fight against our villains, make it a more entertaining smash-up!

    Vashuko: Not to diminish our might or anything, but more heroes would be harder to control and contain. Not to mention that the world's greatest heroes, Hero Force One, are offplanet at the moment.

    Helebon: Shut up, Vashuko! Alright, you, you, and you--

    He points to some random villains, who puff out their chests with pride at so being singled out.

    Helebon: --have absolutely atrocious haircuts, and you offend me. Die!

    Hellflame whooshes up from the ground beneath the three random villains, incinerating them instantly.

    Helebon: Where was I? Oh yeah. You, you, and you--

    He points to several more random villains, who cringe in fear.

    Helebon: Go round up some more heroes!

    Darkside3000 raises his shadowy finger again.

    Darkside3000: Actually, Dad, more heroes would be harder for us to contain.

    Helebon: Excellent insight, son!

    Vashuko: I give up...

    Helebon: We'll have to put some villains on the heroes' team to make it a more even match, and thus more entertaining!

    TotallyEvil: I hope to God you don't put me on a team with that shmuck.

    Chris the Badguy: Aw...

  40. #1840
    Virgin Fleet Admiral
    As Al Ciao and Verrine (formerly Lady Lightside) are having their touching moment, Britt aka Brittica X is scratching is head.

    Britt: Okay, so where did TLTE get to?

    Cygnus X: I believe he escaped in the chaos.

    Britt: Dammit! Okay, we need to find him. Where's Cerebro when you need it?

    Antestarr: Uh, you do realize that you're NOT actually the X-men--

    At that moment, a whole bunch of people appear out of seemingly nowhere and surround the cultists. A man wearing a shiny magenta bathrobe and a bucket on his head (with eyes poked out) addresses them.

    Buckethead: Aha! We've got you now, X-Cult!

    Rob X: Not these blokes again...

    Britt: What? Who are these guys?

    Rob X: You're the oracle, you know all about this!

    Britt: Uh... right. I mean, you should explain for Antestarr's benefit.

    Rob X: Oh, of course. Silly me, I should know better than to question your wisdom!

    Britt: Damn straight! Now explain.

    Rob X: The Cult of 13 is the Cult of X's most implacable nemesis!

    Antestarr: Cult of... 13?

    Buckethead: Sabretooth! Toad! Grab Xavier!

    Not two but three cultists of 13 come forward, then look at each other in confusion.

    Random 13-Cultist A: Whoa, wait, I'm Sabretooth, not you!

    Random 13-Cultist B: No, duh, I'm Toad!

    Random 13-Cultist C: No, I'm Toad, you're Sabretooth!

    Buckethead, or 'Magneto', sighs deeply.

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