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Thread: Pantheons of the NeSiverse

  1. #161
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Christmas 2017 Part II

    Christmas 2017 Part II
    AKA Too Late for Christmas

    Britt, Kit and Bill are lounging on a cushioned, long stool while seated at a table chock-full of booze and food. Kit raises a tankard;

    Kit: "Here's to the defeat of Sandy Claws and to a jolly Christmas past!"

    Bill raises his own tankard but Britt stares dumbly at his own. Bill nudges Britt.

    Bill: "Dude. We're meant to be toasting."

    "What happened?"

    Kit, who is seated opposite the other two, leans forward suspiciously;

    Kit: "How much did he have already?"

    Bill: "That's his bloody first!"

    Britt: "No, seriously! What happened to the Story? We were about to be eaten by that monster thing and now we're in this bawdy house...?"

    Kit: "You've lost your memory?"

    Bill: "You don't remember we managed to defeat the monster and escape? Kit wrote a whole play about Faustus and had it performed just in time for Christmas. You played in it!"

    Kit: "Christmas number one!"

    "I... I do remember yeah... but it's like... it didn't really happen. We just remember it happened..."

    Kit: "If he's not drunk, he's on drugs."

    Kit reaches over the table and plants a firm, angry finger on the wood in front of Britt.

    Kit: "Where's mine!?"

    "Look, I'm pretty new to this whole Story stuff. I just feel like we missed a lot of stuff."

    "Time flies when you're having fun, eh?"

    Britt: "Real time passed but not narrative time... I think."

    "Okay, okay. Even I'm struggling to keep up with this one and I, allegedly, make holes in the story. Why don't we, you know, enjoy the beer, eh?"

    Britt, suddenly urged with mischievousness, gabbed his beer and tossed the swill straight at Kit. In response both Kit and Bill threw their own beer on Britt's head.

    Britt: "Damn. I feel there should have been a nuk-nuk-nuk said about now."

    Kit: "Nook-nook-nook?"

    Britt: "No no, it's pronounced more like ny--"

    They hear the door to the bawdy house slam open. The house is commonly rented out to travellers to London, though it has something of a reputation for shady dealers - especially those of the spy variety. While in the 'dining room', the three men, covered in beer, turn to look down the hall to the open door.

    In walk three men, led by Ingram Frizer.

    "Oh right. I don't remember what we actually did about Faustus..."


    "I didn't mean what you wrote in your bloody play."

    "But fiction is so much more interesting than life!"

    Bill: "He had a hernia."

    Britt: "What?"

    "We found him, chased him and he had a hernia. He was taken to the hospital."

    The three intruders, having carefully taken off their hats and scarves, saunter down the hall towards the dining room.

    Britt: "And he's still possessed?"

    "I guess so."

    Britt: "So this guy showing up here is probably bad news."

    Kit: "I reckon so."

    Ingram: "Gentlemen! How are my fellow spies this evening?"

    Bill: "Sure, just shout that at the top of your lungs why don't you?"

    Ingram: "We have no secrets here, do we?"

    Ingram forces his way in between Britt and Bill while his two cohorts, also spies, sit silently on either side of Kit. They start to tuck into the feast laid out before them.

    Ingram: "I thought you might like to know that the honourable Doctor Faustus has made a full recovery. Thankfully for you three he won't be pressing charges."

    Ingram salutes with a mug of ale.

    Bill: "Pressing charges!? He's possessed by a demon he can't--"

    Ingram: "Proof?"

    He grins politely at Shakespeare who promptly falls into a glowering silence.

    "Now look, my friends, we're all on the same side, aren't we?"

    "Probably depends on what side you're on, Frizer."

    Ingram: "The side of England, of course! Come now, Marlowe! We've worked together long enough to know at least that much, haven't we?"

    Ingram plants a friendly, but firm, hand on Britt's shoulder as he chomps on a chicken leg.

    Ingram: "You know, working together we six could achieve much for our country! Think on that! We'd be like a new knights of the round table, wouldn't we? Acting honourably, heroically and using our respective powers for the greater good!"

    Bill: "Powers?"

    Ingram: "You think I didn't know?"

    Bill: "About us? Maybe. But you?"

    Ingram drums his fingers on the table with a smirk.

    Ingram: "Mephistopheles is a most generous benefactor."

    Thick, black smoke puffs out from the pores of his fingertips as they connected with the wood. Britt doesn't know what that blackness is, but it certainly isn't natural nor is it even magical. He does know it is evil.

    Kit: "Sold your soul, eh?"

    Ingram: "And since when did our resident atheist believe in souls?"

    "Alright, fine. Not a soul. Just your humanity."

    Ingram: "All for the greater good, my old friend."

    Kit: "That greater good being yourself."

    Ingram feigns hurt.

    Ingram: "You wound me. What a cruel thing to say."

    Kit: "We will stop you, Frizer."

    Ingram: "You, a bard and..."

    He looks at Britt.

    "What do you even do?"

    Britt: "Just call me the Boss."

    "It's Britt the Boss now? Are you kidding me?"

    Britt: "Awesome, right?"

    Ingram: "I think it's great."

    "I know right!?"

    He holds his hand up to Ingram for a high five but spots the sour looks from Bill and Kit.

    "Oh right. Bad guy."

    Ingram: "Come now, gentlemen. Bad guy?"

    Bill: "I would say anyone in league with a demon is a bad guy, yes."

    Ingram: "That's what Christian dogma will do to you, Mr Shakespeare. Make you narrow-minded and ignorant to the truth. There is no good or bad."

    Kit: "I agree with you."

    Ingram: "Ha! I knew you would!"

    Kit: "But good and bad doesn't have to be dictated by the Bible, or any other religion. It's what society collectively acknowledges as good or bad. And you are, unquestionably, a traitor and a villain. A menace to society."

    "Then it seems we have reached an impasse. You know too much about the good doctor and are resolute to scupper our plans."

    Kit: "No matter what you do, there will be a reckoning."

    Bill: "The bill? Yes, I'm pretty sure there will be one later, and it will be huge."

    Ingram: "I am pretty sure he was speaking of a very different kind of reckoning, Mr Shakespeare. Alas, Marlowe, you are correct. Except you are mistaken in thinking it is I who shall fall prey to this reckoning you espouse."

    His fingers, which were still on the table, flip over and his palm spreads. A blade of black strikes from the pores of his hand and slams into the skull of Kit. The two cohorts hold Kit steady while Britt and Bill both fall from their seats in horror.

    Ingram lowers his hand and delicately takes a piece of bread from one of the bowls to munch on.

    Bill: "K-Kit!"

    The two men release Kit and his head slams into the table, blood trickling over the wood.

    "Come now! You've made a mess!"

    Britt scrambles across the room.

    Britt: "Bill! Get us out of here!"

    Ingram seems to remember that they're here;

    "Leaving so soon?"

    A dark shroud bursts from Ingram like a black aura that spreads as it engulfs the room. Bill finally snaps into action and opens a hole through which both of them jump. The hole closes quickly behind them, granting Britt a last look at the serene smile of Ingram Frizer surrounded by the dark mist.
    Last edited by TheBritt; 02-15-2018 at 11:11 PM.

  2. #162
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Christmas 2017 Part III

    Christmas 2017 Part III

    In Shakespeare's study, backstage of the Blackfriar's Theatre, the room is lit by a few orange candles and smoke fills the room from the musk incense that is burning all around the place.

    Bill: "And so then Pan--"

    Britt: "The goat-man."

    Bill: "Right. He puts the love potion on the wrong guy, so he falls in love with--"

    Britt: "Wait!"

    Bill: "What? What's wrong? I was getting to the good part!"

    "I feel like... I've missed something."

    Bill: "My play last night! Stop getting drunk with wenches! Get drunk with me instead!"

    Britt: "You're so gay, you know that right?"

    Bill looks flustered.

    Britt: "But no. I mean... what happened to Ingram Frizer? And Faustus for that matter!?"

    "You don't remember?"

    Britt: "No! I mean yes. But it's like... it was a dream or something. Like it didn't actually happen! Come to think of it, I think I had this feeling before."

    Bill sighs.

    Bill: "You drink way too much."

    Britt: "You drink more than I do!"

    "Or you have syphilis. It eats your brain, you know?"

    Britt: "What!? I don't have-- Just tell me what happened."

    Bill: "We found evidence against Frizer, both for conspiring with demons and for the murder of Kit."

    Britt: "Poor Kit..."

    Bill: "We took it to Francis Walsingham, your spy boss. He didn't arrest Frizer because the guy is working for him, but since Frizer was possessed by a demon they called in a whole army of priests to bless him until the demon was exorcised!"

    Britt: "Sounds dramatic! Why don't I remember it properly!?"

    Bill: "Are you a priest?"

    Britt: "No... not yet anyway."

    Bill: "Then why would you be there? We just went about our business and we were told last week that Frizer was freed. So that's that."

    Britt: "And what about Faustus?"

    Bill: "Well--"

    The door to Shakespeare's study creaks open and they look up to see the grey monk standing in the doorway. Mephistopheles stares at them. In human form, he is not overly tall, nor bulky. And yet he exudes an aura that makes him feel larger than life and a foreboding force. His grey-blue eyes glow lightly in the darkness of the low-lit room.

    "It seems you have proven yourselves quite troublesome in my schemes."

    Britt: "Yeah... sorry about that."

    Mephistopheles: "I am conflicted about how to proceed with you. I had considered summoning another, more terrifying demon from Hell. You dealt with Sandy Claws, but I could summon Father Killmas or some other such foul creature... or perhaps we could reach an accord?"

    Britt: "An accord?"

    Bill: "We don't deal with demons!"

    "Now now. No need to be hasty, Bill."

    Mephistopheles seems happy at Britt's response and eases into the room. The fury behind his visage dampens and he appears nothing more than an old man in grey robes.

    "What troubles you, my good men? What ailments do you have that I can help you overcome? Some flaw in your character, some unattainable goal yet to be reached, some sickness that ails you?"

    Bill: "He does have syphilis."

    Britt: "No I don't!"

    Mephistopheles: "Dr Faustus was unable to control the flow of aether that coursed through his body. I helped him with that. He grew more powerful than ever, able to control every ounce of magic. I have cured lepers, helped poor men rise to become kings, brought wealth and happiness to an entire family for generations. What troubles you both?"

    Britt: "Well, I do fall asleep a lot."

    Bill and the demon look at Britt in stunned silence.

    Bill: "That's it?"

    Britt: "No no. It's not a normal sleep. I call it BrittSleep. That damn Negotiator tricked me into signing a contract so I would live forever but then I fall asleep all the time!"

    Mephistopheles suddenly appears smaller than he had done a moment ago and his face is racked with worry but also eagerness.

    Mephistopheles: "Yes. Yes I can help with that! You can pass your contract over to me and I shall become your new supplier of eternal life. Without the pesky caveat."

    Britt: "Seriously?"

    Bill: "You can't trust him, Britt! He's the devil!"

    Mephistopheles: "An arch devil, if you please."

    Britt points at Bill's head.

    Britt: "He's going bald. Can you cure that?"


    "Alas. Baldness is one ailment I am unable to cure. It seems men of the world are doomed to be bald for all eternity. I believe it is an age-old curse by some forgotten demon, you know? Very intriguing story really."

    Bill: "That sounds... absolutely ridiculous. Besides, you're going bald too!"

    Britt: "Not as much as you!"

    Bill: "And the demon is bald!"

    Britt: "He chooses to look bald!"

    Mephistopheles: "I believe, William Shakespeare, that your... son was taken from this world?"

    Bill looks at the demon sternly.

    Bill: "No."

    The demon gives the human a quizzical look.

    Bill: "I mean no, I will not accept whatever your offer is. Not even that."

    Mephistopheles: "Well, it seems only you wish to take my offer Britticus of Rome."

    Bill: "Actually, Britt won't remember this until now I mention it, but we decided to defeat a demon - we'd need help from another demon."

    Mephistopheles seems to notice the candles and the incense for the first time. Before he can escape, another demon erupts from the smoke. Invoked via traditional summoning with incense means the demon doesn't take on an actual physical form, unlike Mephistopheles, but instead takes on a shrouded presence in a smoky-shape.

    The Evil One: "Having fun, old friend?"

    Mephistopheles snarls and the old, kind face now appears grotesque and warped.

    The Evil One:
    "You have been a busy bee, haven't you? And yet, when I checked, it seems you haven't cleared this little escapade of yours with the Devil's Advocate or the Devil himself. How rude."

    "It's my business! I do as I like!"

    The Evil One:
    "The new Devil doesn't like it when we make unauthorised excursions, you know that. It creates a lot of paperwork..."

    Mephistopheles: "Paperwork be damned!"

    Everyone else chuckles at that.

    "It's too late! The human has sold his soul to me! I own it and I exercise my right to it!"

    The evil cloud seems to glance at Britt.

    Britt: "Not me! He's talking about Faustus!"

    Mephistopheles: "All that power of magic in a single body. You don't know how wonderful it feels! As my vessel I shall rip through this land like a fierce wind! I am entitled to this, it is my right as owner of the soul!"

    The Evil One: "Actually, Mr Three is already negotiating a new contract with the good doctor. One that will let him get on with being lazy, in exchange for control of the aether. It's better for everyone this way."

    Britt grumbles about negotiating contracts.

    Mephistopheles: "He has no right--!"

    The Evil One: "He has every right! An illegal contract can be usurped by the Devil himself. And you know he likes contracts! You, Mephistopheles, will be lucky to remain within the upper ranks of Hell at all. I suspect you will be demoted from Arch Demon though. Maybe you'll be a general under the Majordomo? That, alas, is not for me to decide."

    Mephistopheles: "I won't give u--"

    A black hole forms within the stomach of the grey monk and he implodes into himself before disappearing. The two humans grab their stomachs with sympathy pain. The Evil One vanishes without so much as a goodbye.

    Britt: "I thought you said you wouldn't negotiate with demons? You called that guy?"

    Bill: "It was your idea! You said some man in a suit suggested it to you in a dream! Honestly, your memory. We need to go to a doctor and get you some syphilis medicine. They have some good leaches."

    Britt: "I don't have syphilis!"

  3. #163
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Space Camelot: Oranges

    Space Camelot
    Oranges Part I

    Characters: King Arthur | Queen Guinevere | Prince Mordred | Morganna le Fay | Merlin the Younger | Sir Kay | Sir Lancelot | Sir Bedivere | Sir Galahad | Sir Tristram | Sir Caelia | Sir Red Rose Knight | Sir Black Knight | Sir Faerie Knight | Andy | Admiral Ltexi | Gamma Pans | King Mark | Queen Iseult | Sir Gawain | Sir Robin | Sir Greene Knight | Isolde of the White Hands | Sir Palamedes | Newrias | King ”enegus | Princess Guinevak | King Lot | King Urien | King Caradoc | Queen Morgause | Prester John | The Red Cross Knight | Sir Ector | Bors the Elder | King Hoel | Sir Bors | King Rience | King Leodegrance | Anna Pendragon | Taliesin | Merlin the Elder

    Al Ciao the Writer: "Oranges? Don't you mean origins?"

    Britt the Writer throws an orange at Al Ciao the Writer's head.


    The old man stands atop of the hill, leaning on his gnarled staff, and watches as the kings of Britannia march up towards him. The wind is fierce but the storm has yet to start. The cold won't improve the kings' moods, the old man knows, but with war pending the task has to be done now.

    Ector looks more worried still. The man is a trader that buys and sells goods between Cornwall and Londonium, as well as several other southern regions of England. He is middle-aged but a life of hard work and drink has left him sick and weary. Yet his heart is pure and he has taken care of the boy, Arthur, ever since the old man first delivered him unto Ector's care. As well as Arthur, Merlin would also deliver the baby girl, Morganna, into Ector's care.

    Now that their father, Uther Pendragon, has died their identities are to be revealed to all the kings of Britannia. Arthur, now a young man of teenage years, appears nervous but Morganna looks annoyed.

    The king to reach the top of the hill first is King Lot and he is the first to speak;

    King Lot: "Why have you summoned us here, Merlin? You may hold our trust, but our patience only goes so far when summoned across the entire land in the cold and for no known purpose."

    King Lot's father, King Cole, had died the previous year and divided his lands between his sons. King Lot is now king of Lothian in Hen Ogledd, the same lands from which Melrin himself hails. King Cole had been good friends with Uther Pendragon, though they also fought many battles for dominance over the northern lands. Lot had none of his father's jovial characteristics. Instead he is serious and as cold in temper as the wind blows against him now.

    Merlin the Elder:
    "I called you here so that there would be no doubt that what I show you is true. Here you can see the knight's sword Clarent has been returned to its resting place within the stone from whence Uther Pendragon pulled it."

    Merlin held his palm in the direction of the sword in the stone. Clarent is the sword of knights, used to knight a man into service of the king of the south. It is a beautiful ceremonial blade that can only be pulled from its bed by the true heir to the Pendragon line.

    Guessing what is the to come the kings all look at the two teenagers. Nobody considers the girl, but the boy does bear some resemblance to the now dead king.

    King Caradoc:
    "It's not possible. Uther had no children."

    Merlin the Elder: "He did. He had two, as you can see. One sired by him and Queen Igraine. A son."

    King Caradoc: "Then why are we only hearing of this now!?"

    Merlin glances at Arthur, who looks very interested.

    Merlin the Elder: "Uther and Igraine were married after Arthur's conception."

    King Lot: "You mean while she was still married to Duke Gorlois?"

    Merlin the Elder:
    "That is correct."

    King Caradoc: "An illegitimate ******* is to become king? Ridiculous."

    Merlin the Elder:
    "He is the son of Uther Pendragon. And now he shall prove himself worthy of the throne."

    The young Arthur nods and places his hands upon the hilt of Clarent. The wind suddenly picks up dramatically and Arthur can feel a strange tingling in his palm. He yanks on the hilt.

    The sword doesn't budge.

    A few of the kings chuckle.

    King Caradoc: "Waste of time..."

    Morganna le Fay:
    "Do it properly, idiot."

    Arthur pulls again. This time the sword grinds out of the stone and is freed once again.

    The kings now stand in silence and Merlin knows that each of them is deciding to side with this new, young king or declare their independence. Uther Pendragon had taken most of the lands under his sway and Merlin knows that Arthur will finish that job. How many of these kings will realise that now, Merlin wonders.

    Slowly the kings of Britannia depart wordlessly, each with his own thoughts. Some seem angry, others apathetic and very few of them appear pleased. Merlin suspects war will come soon but Arthur is fit for the task. The young King Urien is the last to leave and he speaks briefly with his bard and advisor, Taliesin, before he departs. Taliesin remains, with his lord's permission, and approaches Merlin.

    Merlin the Elder:
    "Still in service to Rhegen I see?"

    Taliesin nods with a smile.

    Taliesin: "I find it fulfilling. And it gets me above ground. Being down in Doughnutdelf all day might suit you, but I long for the sun."

    Their small talk is over quickly and Taliesin becomes more stern.

    "Do you really think this is a good idea, Merlin? This boy is too young and ignorant of responsibility. I guarantee there will be war here. Old King Cole never submitted to Pendragon rule, his sons certainly will not either. King Urien has already been fortifying Rhegen, he won't be easily taken. The kings of Scotland and Ireland would be all the stronger after a war in England and Wales. And then there's the Saxons!"

    Merlin raises his hand for peace with his fellow magic-user.

    Merlin the Elder: "Have no fear, Taliesin. I had Arthur raised with the good Ector so that Arthur would learn what it is to be a real man before he would become king. Arthur will be popular with the masses because he understands them. He will be uncorrupted by the politics of kings and will serve his people well."

    Taliesin glances past Merlin towards the boy who is playing with the new sword in his hand.

    "I hope you're right, Merlin. With you there to aid him, perhaps he will be victorious yet."

    Merlin the Elder:
    "I will only advice the young king, Taliesin. I won't win his battles for him. Arthur can do that alone. He has immense charisma that will draw others to him and his cause. I will be busy with my new pupils."

    Taliesin frowns.

    "Pupils? I know you took on that little wild child you found digging up poisonous flowers. What other pupil do you have?"

    "Morganna, come and meet Taliesin. He is one of us."

    Morganna le Fay, with such a groan that she might have been asked to perfom some ardous task, shuffles forward to meet Taliesin.


    "You do always pick the most unusual of specimens to join our cult, don't you know, my old friend?"

    "Did this **** just call me unusual?"

    The years that followed are tumultuous as the Germans invade Britannia. The Saxons, the greatest amongst the invaders, decimate England and conquer lands belonging to the English kings. The greatest culmination of the wars of the Saxons was the Battle of Badon in which the young King Arthur defeated the Germans and proved his prowess in battle. His tactics and skills became legendary amongst the people and he soon set his sights on the eleven rebel kings who had turned against Pendragon authority.

    Friend to Uther Pendragon was the king of Gaul, Bors the Elder. He crossed the English Channel, through Brittany, and into England where he came to support King Arthur. Cousin to King Arthur was King Hoel of Brittany, and he also joined Arthur in his honourable quest.

    The two old kings and the young boy made an unlikely trio and they are now standing about a battle map of Britannia within a tent at the centre of Arthur's camp. They have arrived to the south of Hen Ogledd and must now face the children of the proud King Cole.

    Bors the Elder:
    "Arthur, I do not think the soldiers of King Urien share your passion for cheese. They will not be lured to our side for something so trivial."

    King Arthur: "Trivial!? Cheese will win the day, I assure you!"

    King Hoel: "His plan to give the Saxon horses laxatives did pay off. His unconventional thinking seems to work, Bors."

    Bors the Elder:
    "Making horses **** themselves is one thing, convincing soldiers to eat mould is another."

    Bors the Elder is a large man of muscle and hair. His beard is huge, bushy and reaches his stomach, while his hair is thick, long and black. He tends to wear more subdued clothes than most kings and isn't prone to displays of affluence, despite being the richest monarch currently standing on British soil. King Hoel is younger than Bors but even in his forties, he is considered old by the standards of the Dark Ages. He has a gaunt face etched with stubble and dark-ringed eyes. He had married many years ago but only produced a single daughter. With such little burden, he had accepted Arthur's older half-sister, Anna Pendragon, into his household.

    Then there is some angry shouting just outside the tent moments before a young man burst inside. He has red hair and a roguish demeanour.

    Kay: "Brother!"

    With him comes another young man, perhaps a few years older, with hair cropped short and honest eyes. While Kay is wearing his travelling clothes, the other man is ready for battle in his armour. Apparently he's supposed to be on guard duty to stop trespassers like Kay from getting in.

    King Arthur:
    "Um, Kay is it?"

    Kay: "That's right!"

    Before he drew the sword from the stone, Arthur had only known of one sibling - Morganna le Fay, who was also a ******* of the same father. Now he knows his mother had other three other children. The twin girls, Morgause and Anna, and the eldest son Kay.

    Bors the Younger:
    "I'm sorry, I tried to stop him but he's... bloody persistent."

    Bors the Elder:
    "I'll deal with you later, Bors."

    The son of the Gaulish king sulks and stands at the back of the tent in silence. He looks much like his father in stature but doesn't have the same temperament.

    Kay: "You lot need to loosen you, you know that? I'm Arthur's brother! What harm am I going to do!?"

    Neither of the older kings wants to point out that brothers are usually the ones to kill a king and take his place.

    King Arthur:
    "But why are you here, Kay? You don't have to help me, you know?"

    Kay: "Sure I do! I'm your brother! The better looking, smarter and older brother to boot."

    King Arthur: "Is that meant to make me want to hire you?"

    Arthur grumbles, mostly because it's true.

    Kay: "No? You don't have any choice, I'm your brother! That's the rules!"

    The older kings shrug at that. It's kind of true.

    Kay: "Besides, you need to have your own retinue of knights! You're the king of England! And I can be the boss knight!"

    Bors the Elder:
    "There's no such thing as a boss knight."

    Kay: "Lord Knight!"

    Bors the Elder:
    "Doesn't exist either."

    Kay: "The... leader knight?"

    King Hoel: "The person to lead the knights would be the king, boy."

    Kay: "Oh right. But he needs a guy to help lead when he's not around, right? Like lieutenant knight!"

    Bors the Elder: "I think it's a good idea actually."

    King Hoel: "You do!?"

    Bors the Elder:
    "Not the boss knight, or whatever he's prattling on about. But Arthur should have a retinue of knights by now. Kay, here, could be the first."

    Kay: "Yes!"

    He is already on one knee.

    King Arthur:
    "Dude, at least wait until I get the bloody sword."

    Kay produces Clarent from behind his back.

    King Arthur: "How in the name of--"

    Kay: "I thought I'd save you the time of getting it."

    Arthur puts the blade on Kay's shoulder and pauses, unsure of what to say.

    Kay: "Just don't cut my head off in the process."

    King Arthur: "Don't tempt me."

    King Hoel:
    "I don't think that qualifies as an oath."

    King Arthur: "Okay, how about this. I, Kay of Garlois, hereby swear an oath of fealty to Arthur, king of the Britains. I shall serve and protect my king for as long as I may live and should I die in service to my king, I shall be... awesome."

    Kay: "I, Kay of Garlois, here swear an oath of feely to my stupid kid brother, king of the land. I shall serve and something my king for some time and I might die but it will be totally awesome. Except I won't die, because I'm already awesome."

    King Arthur:
    "That'll do. Rise, Sir Kay."

    Sir Kay:
    "Ha! I'm Sir Kay now. This definitely fulfills something on my bucket list."

    Then Arthur notices someone kneeling next to Kay.

    King Arthur:
    "Uh... Bors?"

    Bors the Elder: "What're you doing, Bors?"

    Bors the Younger: "Huh? Oh, I thought I was supposed to do it too."

    Bors the Elder: "You know what? Good idea. Arthur, would you take this lout into your service?"

    King Arthur: "Absolutely! Bors rocks! Okay, Bors son of... well, Bors. You must hereby swear an oath of... do you remember what I sent to Sir Kay?"

    Bors the Younger:

    King Arthur: "Good. You're a knight now. Rise Sir Bors."

    Bors the Younger gets up with a grin.

    Sir Bors: "Yes! Awesome!"

    Sir Kay: "No, I'm awesome. You can just be... average. Or okay. Or I'll let you be good. But not awesome."

    King Arthur: "My first two knights. This is a pretty amazing moment. I wonder who else I can have as a knight?"

    Sir Kay:
    "I saw some five-year-old with a twig before who said he dreamed of being a knight. Want me to get him?"

    King Arthur: "I know, that Bedivere guy!"

    Sir Bors: "You mean the weirdo with the glasses?"

    King Arthur:
    "He's pretty smart, he could be my knight!"

    And so Arthur began to accumulate knights to his cause. Together they ploughed through Hen Ogledd and the kings bowed to Arthur. But the conquest of Wales would be a far tougher battle. The kings and soldiers of Wales were proud and strong Celtic warriors of the old ways and believed in a Britain that pre-dated the Roman occupation. The people of England had been changed by the Romans in culture and religion, but the Welsh, even when conquered by Rome, kept their old ways, their own language and their old beliefs. Except for the kingdom of Powys where the king was of Roman birth that married a Welsh queen. The king, Leodegrance, is on his deathbed, laid up with all manner of ailments but seeks his kingdom to be at peace in the best possible hands. And so he wishes his eldest daughter to be wed to the new king of England.

    Guinevere is a little older than Arthur but this only gives her the advantage of an already wise and astute mind.

    As the two stand at the altar in eastern Powys, the Roman city of Viroconium Cornoviorum, that borders England. The city has been bestowed unto Arthur to become his new stronghold over Britannia and there he has begun to have a magnificent castle constructed. Merlin the Elder has taken to aiding in the construction of this fortress and has enlisted the help of supernatural beings from beyond the Rift. Castle Camelot, as Arthur named it, would be the greatest symbol of strength as Arthur could muster for his reign.

    His marriage to Guinevere would be the first ceremony of the new castle's life.

    Arthur turns to his best man, his brother Kay, and holds out his hand for the ring. Kay hands it over.

    Arthur frowns.

    King Arthur:
    "The hell? Why is it sticky!?"

    Sir Kay looks guilty.

    Sir Kay: "I dropped it into a trecale barrel..."

    Arthur stares at Kay.

    King Arthur: "Why..."

    Sir Kay: "It was really good treacle."

    Arthur spits on his thumb and tries to give the ring a quick polish before he spins around and plants the ring on her finger before she could notice how sweet it smells.

    Priest: "You may now kiss the bride."

    And thus they do.

    While most of the audience are slapping and cheering, the solitary booing from Princess Guinevak is quite distinctive. But just as they are officially wed, the city is suddenly under attack from the other Welsh rulers. For siding with Arthur, Leodegrance has been declared a traitor to Wales. King Caradoc of Gwent attacks from the south while King Rience of Gwynedd comes in from the north. Rience is especially incensed by the actions of Leodegrance, while Caradoc is really only interested in himself.

    The assembled knights and kings of Arthur rush to defend the incomplete Castle Camelot where Leodegrance was laid up in bed. He had travelled from Powys to the city of Viriconium but wasn't well enough to attend the wedding properly. The castle is currently little more than a glorified hovel made of stone and this section would likely be the stable in the future.

    The knights of Arthur surround the mini-Camelot, weapons poised as the Welsh soldiers swarm in.

    King Arthur: "WRAAAAA!!!!"

    Sir Kay: "WRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"




    Sir Kay & King Arthur: "..."

    Queen Guinevere: "Arthur, you should try to get some archers on that ridge there!"

    Arthur looks to where Guinevere is pointing and agrees.

    Queen Guinevere:
    "You should have the cavalry units circle around from the south."

    Arthur looks to where Guinevere is pointing now and agress again.

    Queen Guinevere: "You should--"

    Bors the Elder:
    "Who is the military strategist here!?"

    King Hoel: "I want to know where she learnt all this! What kind of girl did Leodegrance raise!?"

    Arthur wields a short spear named Rhongomyniad. It is bright red with three strips of cloth, red, white and blue, dangling from just below the spearhead. The spear was created by Arthur's adoptive father, Ector, sometime after the boy became king of England. Merlin the Elder had taken the spear down into the secret domain of the druids beneath Stonehenge and the spear was blessed with magic. Arthur couldn't figure out what magic exactly, though, as it didn't seem to do anything special. He always suspected Merlin gave it to his students to practice on and they botched the job. He just hopes that one day it doesn't turn him into a toad or something worse. Like a pineapple. Or a dildo.

    Even as King Arthur, whose stubble is doing its best to grow into a real beard, slays one foe, many more come down from the hills. The Roman houses surround the castle plot and the people have sealed themselves inside their homes.

    Sir Bors swings his mighty faussart - a one-sided long sword usually used from horseback - to cull several enemies with one single of this most deadly of weapons. It seems to glow faintly with divinity whenever the blade swings through the air. He must hold the sword with two hands due to its sheer weight and Arthur had noticed the strength in his broad shoulders from years of practice. In fact, Bors' spirituality had been grating on Arthur's nerves for some time. The knight seems to exude grace and chivalry and his willingness to do God's duty put everyone else to shame. He is so dedicated that he has even taken a vow of chastity, something Arthur knows is far beyond his own abilities. Not moments after revealing he was unavailable, Bors received several hundred requests from women who wanted what they couldn't have.

    Sir Bedivere: "FOUR!"

    A hard, white ball flies over Arthur's head and cracks a distant archer on the noggin. Arthur glances back to see the new knight, Sir Bedivere, wielding what he calls his 'driver'. A long, metal stick with a hard, clubbed end. Used to send projectiles at people and to smack heads.

    As the battle continues, word quickly spreads that the Welsh kings are joining the fray themselves.

    King Rience is a tall man with a thick head of bushy, red hair. He keeps his chin shaven but his eyebrows are just as untamed as his mane. He wears ragged armour that looks like it must have been used by several generations of his family, with only the thick, green cloak made within the last decade. He has his own long sword, double-sided unlike Sir Bors' weapon, and he has the frame to wield it. Bhind him comes King Caradoc, skulking behind like a weasal in the shadows. Arthur can see no weapon but suspects a man like that has several daggers hidden within several orifices about his person.

    King Rience: "Where is the traitor!?"

    Rience runs at Arthur without waiting for a reply.

    A spear usually has the advantage over a sword due to its length, but Rience's long sword matches the distance and its weight slams down upon the spear, almost snapping it in twain. Arthur kicks out at the slow-sweeping king and knocks him back. Rience swirls his sword to create a mini-hurricane around him before the sword swings at Arthur's legs. The young king jumps into the air like a frightened rabbit and narrowly avoids being several heads shorter.

    Sir Bedivere:

    A ball whizzes by Arthur's head again and pings off of Rience's head. The Welshman staggers back with confusion and pain.

    Sir Bors:
    "Why does he keep shouting four? He's hit, like, thirty of them already!"

    King Arthur: "Maybe he doesn't know how to count? You know what mad geniuses are like!"

    Sir Bors:
    "Are we sure he's not just mad?"

    King Arthur: "You invited him!"

    From one of the windows of the Camelot-hut, King Leodegrance pokes his head. He is mostly bald, with just a few wisps of hair desperately clinging to his scalp for fear of blowing off in the wind. His hooked nose looks like its sniffing the air for trouble as his eyes are barely open.

    King Leodegrance:
    "Show 'em what for, my boy!"

    King Arthur: "Does he mean me?"

    Sir Bors: "Well, he doesn't have any sons so I suppose so."

    King Arthur: "Uh... I will! Sir!"

    King Rience: "You can try, cur!"

    The Welsh king swings at Arthur but another cry of 'four!' from Sir Bedievere results in a ball smacking Rience on the forehead. The ball bounces with seeming voracity straight at King Leodegrance, who is still hanging out of the window.

    King Leodegrance: "What in the buggery!?"

    The old king yelled out as he's thwacked with the ball. He stumbles and falls.

    The battle stops in an instant and everyone looks quite embarrassed by their actions.

    One week later Viriconium holds the funeral for poor old Leodegrance. It turns out that while the old rogue only had two children, Guinevere and Guinevak, he had plenty of young lovers and they are all present and weeping. Guinevere is oddly composed as she stands beside her new husband while the Welsh kings, Caradoc and Rience, are also present. Rience is shame-faced while Caradoc just looks bored. They both surrendered after Rience's dishonourable killing of Leodegrance and their forces were surrounded by Arthur's and those that were loyal to Leodegrance.

    Guinevak is in tears, though Arthur thinks she is upset at losing her connection to Rome than the loss of her father.

    With all of England, the Old North and now Wales under his thumb, Arthur would have to take on the Picts of Scotland and then on into Ireland. The Irish kings, especially ”enegus, frequent raid the English coastal cities and cause all manner of stress for the likes of King Mark of Dumnonia.

    But even as Arthur mulls over his plans, while standing at the funeral, he hears a whisper in his ear. Bors the Elder and King Hoel are going to have to leave England and return to Europe. Their lands are under threat and their forces are needed. Arthur considers that he would be able to continue his dominance of Britannia alone, now that his forces are bolstered by his latest acquisitions, but the more honourable and Christian thing to do would be to honour his alliance with the two European kings in their time of need.

    When the strippers march into the church to give a display that would have made the old Leodegrance proud, Arthur decides he really should take a break from his own affairs and decides to take his army through Brittany.

    The ships eventually sail from Dumnonia and bound for Brittany. They sail around the land to come up on the kingdom of Bors the Elder; Vannes. The other vassal kings of Brittany, under King Hoel, have prepared their forces for the defence against the invader - King Claudas. When they dock at Vannes, which is a kingdom of British descent so they largely speak a language similar to Cornish and Welsh, they have little leisure time as the invasion has already begun.

    King Hoel bids them adieu and rides out to protect his lands.

    This left King Arthur in the company of King Bors. The plan is a simple one. Attack King Claudas' lands while he is distracted in battle in Brittany. Destabilising his lands from the rear should force the king to withdraw, allowing the soldiers of Brittany the advance to move in.

    Bors the Elder readies his soldiers, while Arthur gathers his knights. Sir Bors, son of the king of Vannes, sits proudly on his horse. He is keen on being in his hometown again. Sir Kay, Arthur's brother, has been barred from several pubs and Sir Bedivere showed up riding something he calls a camel - a hideous beast that spits at people and has a mound of fat on its back. How Bedievere got it, or why he thinks it is better than a horse, is beyond Arthur and he doesn't want to ask. But he decides its evil temperament might be an indicator as to its prowess in battle. Queen Guinevere has also accompanied her husband to Gaul, though Arthur doesn't expect that she'll be rushing into battle. He didn't mind women on the battlefield, unlike most of his male contemporaries, because he had been beaten up by Morganna on several occasions.

    Much to Arthur's surprise they are greeted by another woman as they prepare to leave Vannes. Anna Pendragon, Arthur's mysterious older sister, arrived from King Hoel's court to join her brother's endeavours. Arthur had barely met the woman before and now that he has he thinks she is quite sick, looking far worse in complexion than even old Leodegrance. She insists she is healthy and is eager to join him for the time being, so he relents.

    And finally there is the newest knight to Arthur's troupe. Hailing from the distant land of Greece, he had recently converted to Christianity and was eager to prove himself in the graces of God. Arthur couldn't turn down such an eager beaver and he has damn shiny armour!

    Sir Palamedes: "In the name of God we shall defeat the invader!"

    Palamedes almost falls off of his horse when he throws up his hand in grand gesture.

    Sir Kay: "In the name of God we shall raid their public houses!"

    The other knights look at Sir Kay.

    Sir Kay: "...what?"
    Last edited by TheBritt; 02-24-2018 at 10:45 AM.

  4. #164
    Tea-sipper, character-killer


    Space Camelot
    Oranges Part II

    Characters: King Arthur | Queen Guinevere | Prince Mordred | Morganna le Fay | Merlin the Younger | Sir Kay | Sir Lancelot | Sir Bedivere | Sir Galahad | Sir Tristram | Sir Caelia | Sir Red Rose Knight | Sir Black Knight | Sir Faerie Knight | Andy | Admiral Ltexi | Gamma Pans | King Mark | Queen Iseult | Sir Gawain | Sir Robin | Sir Greene Knight | Isolde of the White Hands | Sir Palamedes | Newrias | King ”enegus | Princess Guinevak | King Lot | King Urien | King Caradoc | Queen Morgause | Prester John | The Red Cross Knight | Sir Ector | Bors the Elder | King Hoel | Sir Bors | King Rience | King Leodegrance | Anna Pendragon | King Claudas | Prince Lionel | Lady Bertilak | Nyneve | Niall Gilroy

    Gebohq the Writer: "Why is there a big pile of oranges in this office?"

    He looks side-long at the hillock of very ripe oranges.

    Suddenly a hand erupts from the pile.

    Al Ciao the Writer: "It's origins!!"

    Another orange sails across the room and lands on the pile.


    King Arthur and his knights ride across the south of Brittany and into the heart of Gaul. The kingdom of Berry, which Arthur thinks is a hilarious name every time someone says it, is the land from which the Frankish king Claudas conducts his rule. Having plenty of experience battling with Angles and Saxons, another bunch of Germans doesn't give Arthur any concern.

    Anna: "Hullo brother."

    Arthur almost leaps from his saddle at the voice suddenly whisper in his ear. He turns to see his elder half-sister.

    "Anna! You look..."

    He sees her pallid complexion, lank hair, dark eyes and gaunt cheeks.

    Arthur: "Healthy..."

    Anna smiles and when she does, for just a moment, she actually looks like she might still be alive.

    Anna: "That is nice of you to say. But I don't care about how I look any more. There's much more important matters than that in the world."

    Arthur nods with a sincere frown.

    "I understand completely. Cheese farms. That's the future, Anna. And I shall make it happen."

    "Right... you know, I'm beginning to wonder how much inbreeding there really is in our family."

    Arthur's hair stands on end as he thinks of the many nights he and his sister, Morganna, kept each other warm.

    Arthur: "Wh-what do you mean!?"

    Anna: "We're all crazy. At least in our own special ways. Me, you, Morgause. Even that Morganna of yours is supposed to be a mean-spirited recluse. So I'm told."

    Arthur: "You heard about Morgan?"

    Anna: "I like to know about my rivals in magic."

    Arthur: "Ha! I knew you could do magic! You have the... look."

    Anna: "My magic is not the same magic you're used to, dear brother. But I think it will serve you well."

    Arthur: "Well, bloody old Merlin never helps me anyway. The old coot just shrugs and is all, like, 'I'm not here to interfere, young king. Your destiny is your own.' He helps me become king and then leaves me to it. Lucky my cousin Hoel was there to help me figure things out."

    Anna: "King Hoel is a very good man. Very... Christian."

    Arthur doesn't like that she speaks the word 'Christian' like it's an insult but he isn't about to jeopardise this newfound relationship just yet.

    Arthur: "I assume he treats you well?"

    Anna: "Of course. I have everything I could ever want. He has treated me like a daughter. And now his wife has just given birth to his own daughter. They named her Isolde."

    Arthur: "That's a pretty name. Very Celtic."

    Guinevere: "Lady Anna. There is someone here to meet with you."

    Arthur's wife has come up on the other side of Anna and though she speaks pleasantly, Arthur detects some concern in the Welsh queen's voice. They all look back to see a man and a woman upon a single horse. The man is seated up front with the reins, while the woman sits side-saddle behind him. Though neither of them look as unhealthy as Anna, they both have very pale complexions and do have a dark, ominous air to them.

    Anna suddenly looks very human and very vulnerable as worry casts across her face. Without a word, she turns her horse and slowly trots towards the mysterious couple.

    Guinevere draws closer to Arthur.

    Guinevere: "Arthur. What do you know of your sister?"

    Arthur: "Um. She has a twin back in England. Morgause."

    Guinevere: "I mean... do you think she is in trouble?"

    Arthur: "What kind of trouble?"

    Guinevere: "Those two people... I don't trust them and I think they have some hold over Lady Anna."

    Arthur: "The dastards! I'll go and slay them this instant!"

    His hand reaches for his sword but Guinevere stops him.

    "That's not a good idea. Your sister's business is her own until she opens up to you. I think it would be wise to see if she will confess her problems to you."

    Arthur nods slowly.

    Arthur: "Maybe she really is sick. They might be doctors!"

    Guinevere looks at Arthur dubiously.

    Arthur: "Did they have any leaches? If they have leaches, then they're definitely doctors."

    Guinevere: "No leaches..."

    Arthur: "Damn. What about syringes! Doctors always have syringes!"

    Guinevere: "I... don't know what that is, but I don't think so."

    Arthur: "Ah! A stethoscope! Did they have--"

    He sees the bewildered look on Guinevere's pretty face and realises he doesn't even know what a stethoscope is either.

    The woman with Anna has long, black hair that is so black it looks like night descended on her head. Her skin is pale and creates a sensual, stark contrast that Arthur admits is quite alluring. She wears a dress that appears very out-of-date by, at least, several decades. The man, on the other hand, appears very fashionable for the late 5th century. He has foppish red hair and his skin isn't quite as white as his companion. While the woman could be of any nationality, the man appears decidedly Irish to Arthur's keen eye.

    Arthur: "Did they tell you their names?"

    Guinevere: "The man did. He introduced himself as Niall Gilroy. She didn't but she has a strange accent. Like she lived in Ireland for a long time but it's not her native land."

    Arthur: "I wonder why a couple of Irish people would be here in Gaul, looking for my English sister..."

    Sir Bedivere: "I think you'll find that English would mean you were of Anglo-Saxon descent, my liege. In the future they might call themselves that, but in this day and age, you're probably part Celt and Roman. You killed the Saxons, remember?"

    Guinevere and Arthur turn to stare at Sir Bedivere, who has appeared beside them on his golden-haired camel.

    Guinevere: "I think I understood about half of what you said, Sir knight."

    Arthur: "Wow. You understood more than I did then!"

    Sir Kay: "That's not surprising now, is it?"

    Sir Kay now rides up on the other side of Bedivere.

    Sir Bedivere: "It's quite alright, my liege! I believe that every brain is equally capable. So if you cannot understand something, it is not because your brain is at fault. It is because it is already filled up with information of a different sort. If you wanted to learn something new, you have to replace existing knowledge."

    Sir Kay: "If that's true, I bet Arthur's brain is filled up with rubbish."

    Arthur: "Oi! My brain is filled up with important stuff!"

    There's a moment of silence.

    Arthur: "Like cheese farming!"

    Sir Kay: "Saw it coming a mile off."

    Sir Bors: "We're almost there!"

    The group look ahead to see Sir Bors pointing.

    Sir Bors: "It's just beyond this hill."

    He slows to better speak with his king.

    Sir Bors: "Once we reach Terre Deserte, I'll be leading a small group away from the main army on a rescue mission. My lord, if there are any of your knights that would accompany me on this quest I would be most grateful."

    Arthur: "What quest is that?"

    Sir Bors: "My... brother is still being held prisoner here. My cousin too. We three were kidnapped by King Claudas many years ago and kept here until my cousin helped me to escape. He got caught again, though, and I vowed I would free him and my brother upon my return. That time is now."

    Sir Palamedes: "Sounds like a worthy quest! My king, I request permission to join Sir Bors to save his brother!"

    Arthur: "We'll all go. King Bors can lead the army, we'll be better use on this secret mission! We'll be like ninjas!"

    Sir Bors: "What's a ninja?"

    Sir Kay: "It's a kind of ferret!"

    Arthur: "No, no it's not."

    Sir Palamedes: "I shall take point, sire!"

    Sir Kay: "I hope you mean literally. Many, many points. To the face. And by points I mean swords. Or arrows would do."

    Sir Palamedes: "I'll gladly take any deadly blows that would save my king or my fellow knights!"

    Guinevere: "Such a fine knight you are, Sir Palamedes!"

    Arthur could have sworn Palamedes' armour swelled.

    Sir Palamedes: "I'll endeavour to be worthy of your praise, my lady! Hi ho Silver, and awaaaaaaaaaaay!"

    The knight dashes off on his white steed. Everyone else watches for a moment.

    Sir Kay: "He doesn't know where he's going, does he?"

    Sir Bors:
    "Definitely not. He's riding towards Spain right now."

    Arthur: "Maybe he'll get tired out and come back?"

    Guinevere: "Honestly, I think his enthusiasm might actually take him all the way to Spain before he slows down..."

    Sir Kay and Sir Bedivere are quickly tasked with chasing down their wayward companion, setting in motion a whole quest in-and-of itself that would see; Sir Kay going delirious after being bitten by a snake while going to the toilet in a bush, Sir Bedivere getting a tattoo of a hippo on his left buttock, Sir Palamedes making love to an oak tree and general misadventures involving tavern brawls, wenches and sailors. And some sailors that turned out to be wenches. Or at least Sir Kay hopes they were.

    In the meantime, the others follow Sir Bors. Anna's mysterious companions part ways with them and she rejoins her brother's entourage. When asked who they were, she explains that she doesn't know the gentleman. He was just escorting the lady. Anna further explains that she is in service to the lady, who is a powerful noble of sorts that relies on Anna's help. She refused to elaborate beyond that but even Arthur could tell there was something seriously wrong with the story.

    Bors the Elder leads the main army on towards the defences of Berry, while Arthur's group turns off towards Terre Deserte. They descend the hill into the lowlands and Arthur is shocked to find a wasteland. There are only dead trees or stumps, the ground has been salted so not even grass can grow with any regularity. The shells of homes remain after they had been burnt out long ago and left to rot. On the edge of the Terre Deserte is a mass grave.

    Guinevere: "This is horrible..."

    Arthur: "Who could have committed such a heinous act?"

    Arthur obviously expected it would be King Claudas himself, confirming the man's tyranny and his status as villainous foe.

    Sir Bors: "Well actually, it was your father. King Uther."

    There's a long and uncomfortable silence.

    King Arthur: "This was obviously a town brimming with evil!"

    Sir Bors: "Perhaps, I don't really know. King Uther helped King Hoel conquer Brittany, but they were opposed by the Franks who wanted to take Gaul for themselves. King Claudas constantly raided King Hoel's kingdom so King Uther took an army into Berry and laid waste to this area. But he didn't come alone, he was joined by the Knights Templar."

    Anna: "So they were hunting witches, were they?"

    Sir Bors: "Maybe, but the Templars are really only interested in two things; hunting evil and collecting relics. The last I heard, they're searching for the holy grail."

    "Now wouldn't that be a fine thing!"

    "You'd think that if God wanted you to have it, he'd just give it to you."

    Arthur rolls his eyes.

    "It's not about possessing the grail, it's about the journey to seek the grail and be found worthy!"

    Anna: "Isn't God supposed to be all-knowing? He knows the past, present and future. It's all his plan, right?"

    Arthur: "Yeees..."

    Anna: "So he should know if you're worthy or not. He should know if you'll prove yourself or not. So why not just skip the whole thing and give you the grail?"

    Arthur: "B-because... because... it's about the journey!"

    Anna: "It's because he likes to watch humans squirm and play his sick game, right?"

    Sir Bors:
    "I don't think we have the right to question God or his motives, Lady Anna."

    "Why? Why don't we have that right? Oh, I know, might makes right. He's powerful enough he could squish us for daring to quest--"

    Arthur: "There's something happening!"

    Anna: "Don't try to wriggle out of the argument-- oh, there really is something happening."

    Across the desolate town they can see a gang of curs chasing a trio of people. When the gang spots Arthur and his own gang, most of them break off pursuit and head straight for battle against Arthur.

    Arthur: "Just great. Where are three of my top knights when you need them?"

    He grumbles and makes a note to put Sirs Palamedes, Kay and Bedivere on latrine duty once they make it back to King Bors' camp.

    Guinevere: "Those people are still being chased, Arthur!"

    Arthur has his sword drawn and is battling the enemy. He tries to catch sight of what is going on. He sees a woman and a man fleeing in opposite directions.

    Arthur: "Can anyone save those two? I'm rather busy!"

    He headbutts one of the curs and, much to his surprise, is rendered dizzy and with a terrible headache. It always seems to work in the action plays!

    Sir Bors: "I can help but-- I can only save one of them!"

    Guinevere: "You are a knight of the Round Table, Sir Bors! Save the one most at risk!"

    And so, according to the chivalric code of knightly virtue, Sir Bors gives chase of the damsel. The man, Bors knows, is capable enough. After all, he's his brother.

    Sir Bors speeds across the wasteland and raises his faussart, a weapon designed predominantly for use from horseback, and swings it down to carve through the scoundrels. Bors could only imagine what foul deeds this animals had planned for the fair maiden as he catches up to her.

    Sir Bors: "My lady, I am here to rescue you!"

    She turns and he is struck by her insurmountable beauty. She is youthful, with the features of a dear cherubim, and yet striking. Her eyes are large and blue, her hair bright blonde under the sun and her thin, white dress gives her an air of purity that is so rarely seen outside of monastic orders.

    She reaches out with her slender wrist and he helps her onto his horse, seated side-saddle before him. He turns the horse and spurs it after his brother, Lionel. Lionel is several years younger than Bors but is so slouch in fisticuffs.

    Yet Lionel is beset by several grown men of great girth. Even at this distance, Bors can see Lionel fall to the ground and receive a wicked beating. Then Bors sees a flash of steel.

    Sir Bors: "Lionel!!"

    A spear streaks through the air and slams into the offender with the sword, laying him out dead. From the east arrives a new figure to the fray. Tall, dashing and as bold as they come - it is Bors' cousin, Lancelot du Lac.


    The man leaps from his steed, now weaponless, and engages in hand-to-hand combat with the gang. He kicks, punches and bites his way to victory before Sir Bors has even arrived.

    The lady hops down first, followed by the knight.

    Sir Bors: "Thank you for rescuing my brother, Lancelot!"

    Lionel looks up at his brother, his face a mess of blood, cuts and bruises. Tears streak down his young face.

    Lionel: "Bors! You-you left me!"

    Bors kneels down to help his brother up, but finds himself rebuked.

    Sir Bors: "I'm sorry, Lionel. I had to save the maiden."

    Lionel: "You would save a stranger over your own brother!"

    Lionel tries to crawl away from Bors, though he groans in agony from the attempt.

    Sir Bors: "But Lionel, you--"

    Lionel: "Leave me alone, Bors! Lancelot, please help me!"

    Lancelot's expression indicates that he agrees with Bors but isn't about to enter this family feud just yet. He does as asked and helps Lionel to his feet while Bors readies his horse again. He has to save his king.

    The young woman grabs the reins before he could speed away, her eyes wide and energetic.

    Woman: "Please, my lord, thank you for saving me! You are most brave!"

    Sir Bors: "I did what any good knight would do, my lady."

    Lady Bertilak:
    "I am Lady Bertilak. Please, let me thank you... properly."

    Bors notices a shift in her demeanour as her shoulders poise themselves. The cloth dress slips slightly from her shoulder to reveal pretty, white skin.

    Sir Bors: "Uh, thanks is not necessary, Lady Bertilak! I did my duty, nothing more."

    Lady Bertilak: "But, sir knight, I simply must repay you!"

    Her hand slides over his own and he flinches.

    Sir Bors: "No, no! No need, good lady!"

    Lady Bertilak: "I apologise if I am not up to your standards, Sir Bors..."

    She releases him dejectedly.

    Sir Bors: "That's not-- my lady, I am not a man who requires payment for services rendered."

    Lady Bertilak: "Even if I want to?"

    Sir Bors: "I have taken a vow of chastity, madam. My body and soul is to God alone. I am foresworn against Earthly pleasures. Now, if you please, I must--"

    Arthur: "All done!"

    Sir Bors: "Ah. My king. You're safe."

    Arthur: "Of course! I can brawl with the best of them! And, you know, I could have sworn some of the guys I killed kept coming back to life to help me! It was really weird!"

    Anna: "Yes... weird~."

    Lancelot: "Good king! I am Lancelot du Lac! This young man, Prince Lionel, requires healing. I notice two ladies are with you, perchance they know some nursing techniques?"

    Guinevere: "How presumptuous of you."

    Lancelot: "Well I--"

    Anna: "I'm sure he can manage to wash his own bloody face. Get a towel, fill it with ice, and apply. I swear--"

    They all look around.

    Anna: "Yeah, I know there's no ice here. What do you want me to do about that?"

    Arthur slips from his horse and helps Prince Lionel onto it. Guinevere moves over to make room for Lady Bertilak, though she eyes the other woman suspiciously.

    Guinevere: "Lady Bertilak, is it? How came you to be imprisoned by King Claudas?"

    The young woman flashes a compelling look at Guinevere, as though seeing the other woman for the first time.

    Lady Bertilak: "I was imprisoned for my... I am ashamed to say it... for my beauty..."

    Her cheeks flush red.

    Lancelot: "She has been with us for some weeks. When we heard news of King Bors' invasion, she took the chance to escape. I was held up fighting off the hordes while Prince Lionel and Lady Bertilak ran."

    Arthur: "You seem to be quite the warrior, Lancelot! Do you need a job?"

    Lady Bertilak: "Good Sir Bors. I am persecuted by King Claudas and I cannot defend myself. If we leave these lands, would you vouch to keep me safe? To take me with you?"

    Sir Bors is taken aback. That is quite the oath to make to a woman he has only just met. And yet if he says no, then that would be not be chivalrous. This is a woman in need of protection and he is a man capable of doing just that. He cannot see any way out of the oath without forsaking his honour.

    Sir Bors:
    "I do hereby swear to keep you safe once we leave Terre Deserte and to take you with me until you feel safe enough to absolve my vow."

    Lady Bertilak: "Thank you, good knight..."
    Last edited by TheBritt; 02-23-2018 at 12:00 PM.

  5. #165
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Oranges Part III

    Space Camelot
    Oranges Part III

    Characters: King Arthur | Queen Guinevere | Prince Mordred | Morganna le Fay | Merlin the Younger | Sir Kay | Sir Lancelot | Sir Bedivere | Sir Galahad | Sir Tristram | Sir Caelia | Sir Red Rose Knight | Sir Black Knight | Sir Faerie Knight | Andy | Admiral Ltexi | Gamma Pans | King Mark | Queen Iseult | Sir Gawain | Sir Robin | Sir Greene Knight | Isolde of the White Hands | Sir Palamedes | Newrias | King ”enegus | Princess Guinevak | King Lot | King Urien | King Caradoc | Queen Morgause | Prester John | The Red Cross Knight | Sir Ector | Bors the Elder | King Hoel | Sir Bors | King Rience | King Leodegrance | Anna Pendragon | King Claudas | Prince Lionel | Lady Bertilak | Nyneve | Niall Gilroy

    Al Ciao the Writer suddenly whips out a colossal orange and, before Britt the Writer could do anything about it, he slams the big fruit upon BrittTW's head. Now there is BrittTW's head with a massive orange for a head.

    The orange swivels to glare at Al CiaoTW. The orange may glare without facial features, but it is glaring nonetheless.

    Al Ciao the Writer:
    "I am victorious! Origins!"

    Gebohq the Writer: "I don't care what you call the post, just so long as you post something! That way nobody will notice I haven't made the new website yet!"

    Al Ciao the Writer and Orange-head the Writer both turn to glare at Gebohq the Writer.

    Gebohq the Writer: "Um... bye!"

    GebohqTW makes a swift exit.

    Space Camelot
    Origins (formerly known as Oranges)
    Part III

    King Arthur rides atop of his young steed, Llamrei. The horse came from King Leodegrance as part of Guinevere's dowry. Arthur had insisted he didn't need any gifts from the old king, but Llamrei had been too fine a horse to pass up. He is a very young buck but already he has fine muscles and stamina suitable for any king of Britannia.

    Lady Bertilak is riding with Anna Pendragon, which is the most appropriate scenario as allowing her to ride with a man might cause a minor scandal when they reach King Bors. Prince Lionel is riding behind his brother, Sir Bors, though Arthur detects a great animosity ebbing from the younger brother of his loyal knight. Sir Lancelot is behind Arthur, though only after considerable effort in stopping the brash knight from claiming the reins of Llamrei. Luckily Arthur's newest knight isn't wearing any armour, else the poor horse might be struggling.

    Sir Lancelot: "My liege! I hope I can serve thee well in my coming tenure!"

    King Arthur: "You're brave and loyal, Sir Lancelot. I think we'll get on just fine!"

    Sir Lancelot: "But tell me, my king, who is yonder sexy-- I mean, fair maiden?"

    Arthur follows Lancelot's gaze and then swells with pride.

    King Arthur:
    "Aha! My wife! Queen Guinevere!"

    The colour drains from Lancelot's face.

    Sir Lancelot:
    "Oh! Forgive me, sire! I didn't realise she was yours."

    King Arthur:
    "I wouldn't say she's mine. She is my wife though. I'm a lucky, lucky man."

    Sir Lancelot: "Indeed you are..."

    Lancelot grows quiet.

    King Arthur:
    "Do you like cheese, Sir Lancelot?"

    Sir Lancelot: "I'm French, sire. Of course I like cheese!"

    King Arthur: "You are my new best friend."

    When the lost knights, Sirs Bedivere, Kay and Palamedes, finally make their valiant - albeit bedraggled - return, the group are able to head for the borderland of Berry where King Bors would be engaged in battle against the forces of King Claudas. The bulk of Claudas' forces would still be in Brittany, fighting against King Hoel, but King Claudas and his elite troops are here, defending Berry.

    When they reach the battlefield, they can see the forces engaged in battle upon a wide field of wheat. At the rear of both forces are their commanders and, as luck would have it, Arthur has come up behind the lines of King Claudas.

    Sir Kay: "I think we should form a plan to sneak up on--"

    Sir Palamedes: "Hi-ho Silver, and awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!"

    Sir Kay finds he is the only one left behind.

    Sir Kay:
    "Or we can charge in head first and get killed. Great job guys."

    As Sir Kay falls in behind everyone else, only Guinevere, along with Lady Bertilak, peel off to get to safety. Being the only two non-combatants they would need to find somewhere well away from the battle. Anna Pendragon, to the surprise of everyone bar Arthur, rides out with the knights. As she nears the wheat field her hands glow brilliantly white and Arthur gets the distinct impression that there suddenly seems to be more soldiers in battle than there had been earlier.

    Many of the enemy knights hear the incoming squad and turn to meet Arthur. As Llamrei nears, Lancelot leaps off of the horse and ploughs into an enemy rider to steal the mount. Arthur uses Clarent to slash at foes, though the weapon isn't meant for use against such heavily armoured units.

    Sir Bors' weapon is far more effective against these mounted knights as the faussart is extremely heavy and adapt at beating as much as slashing. The sword, named Durendal, proves to be a mighty weapon in the hands of the excellent knight. Lionel, however, has to constantly dodge swings from both the enemy and his brother.

    Arthur avoids most of the fight and, instead, charges through the staggered enemy line. He ducks a wild swing from a knight before he is within the sights of the enemy king - Claudas himself. The king of Berry is a tall man of thin features and a head of bright, platinum hair. Upon his brow is the crown of Berry, which tells Arthur that man is foolish and prideful. What maniac king brings his most precious possession to a battlefield?

    Arthur quickly stashes his own crown in Llamrei's saddlebag.

    Claudas starts screaming at his nearest bodyguards to protect him and Arthur soon faces an enemy attack. He thrusts Clarent through the narrow visor of a knight's helmet. To Arthur's surprise the man dies and then gets up again. Arthur is about to run the man through again but the knight starts to attack his fellow Frenchmen.

    Anna Pendragon: "Don't worry about him, brother."

    Arthur looks to his sister and finally comprehends what those white hands are all about. For a brief moment he considers the moral implications of this necromancy and the divine dilemma that it ought to cause in his soul. Then he decides how useful this skill is in a battle and starts attempting to inflict more grave wounds upon his foes to turn them into allies.

    Lancelot rides up and then, once again, pounces form his horse onto another knight to wrestle the man off of it.

    King Arthur:
    "You do like stealing horses don't you?"

    They glance behind to see a lot of riderless horses milling about.

    Sir Lancelot: "The horses are better off."

    Sir Bors, with Lionel behind him, is now incoming. He dashes straight by the French knights and takes a swing at King Claudas. Claudas avoids the attack by leaping from his horse and landing in the wheat.

    All of the knights, friends and foe alike, pause as they watch, in disbelief, as the King of Berry runs off.

    When Arthur manages to collect himself, he says;

    King Arthur:
    "I accept your surrender, brave knights of Berry! Even if your land has a a ridiculous name."

    Prince Lionel: "We can't let that man escape, brother! After him!"

    Sir Bors: "We're not here for vengeance, Lionel."

    But the conflict in Bors' face was evident. Arthur decides to ease the knight's chagrin.

    King Arthur: "After that man!"

    Arthur's retinue is off in an instant.

    Claudas starts squealing as he sees he's being chased until, finally, he makes the mistake of running straight at Guinevere. She promptly kicks him from horseback and he tumbles over in a heap. Sir Bors dismounts and approaches the fallen king, his sword poised.

    Claudas cranes his neck and bows to the knight.

    King Claudas: "Please show mercy, good knight! I am an unarmed--"

    He stops short, remembers he has his sword at his side and the tosses it away.

    King Claudas: "--an unarmed man!"

    Everyone sweat-drops, manga style.

    King Arthur: "The honourable thing to do would be to take him prisoner."

    Anna Pendragon: "But he deserves death, brother! He is a snivelling peacock!"

    Queen Guinevere: "Then he shall live with that shame."

    King Claudas: "Yes! Yes, my lady, I am ashamed. Totally ashamed."

    Prince Lionel:
    "He doesn't care! He's already planning on his escape. He needs to be executed."

    Sir Bors:
    "It would be dishonourable to kill an unarmed man that just surrendered."

    Prince Lionel:
    "He tortured me! And you'd let him live!?"

    Sir Bors is silent, conflicted.

    Anna Pendragon: "Well someone better do something, otherwise I think this guy is going to crap himself."

  6. #166
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Space Camelot: Origins IV

    Space Camelot
    Origins Part IV

    Characters: King Arthur | Queen Guinevere | Prince Mordred | Morganna le Fay | Merlin the Younger | Sir Kay | Sir Lancelot | Sir Bedivere | Sir Galahad | Sir Tristram | Sir Caelia | Sir Red Rose Knight | Sir Black Knight | Sir Faerie Knight | Andy | Admiral Ltexi | Gamma Pans | King Mark | Queen Iseult | Sir Gawain | Sir Robin | Sir Greene Knight | Isolde of the White Hands | Sir Palamedes | Newrias | King ”enegus | Princess Guinevak | King Lot | King Urien | King Caradoc | Queen Morgause | Prester John | The Red Cross Knight | Sir Ector | Bors the Elder | King Hoel | Sir Bors | King Rience | King Leodegrance | Anna Pendragon | King Claudas | Prince Lionel | Lady Bertilak | Nyneve | Niall Gilroy

    King Arthur: "I think we should start as we mean to go on."

    Prince Lionel: "You mean you intend to keep cutting heads off?"

    King Arthur: "Well, no. I mean we should show mercy and take him prisoner."

    Prince Lionel: "You are right. We should show mercy..."

    King Arthur: "That's a relief. I thought you--"

    Prince Lionel: "Mercy for the families he has abused! Mercy for the women who lament their husbands or sons' deaths!"

    King Arthur: "Right... well... I want to be a good king. The kind of king that people thing, 'Hey, Arthur is a... good king'. You know what I mean?"

    King Claudas: "You won't regret your choice, oh wise Arthur. The people will know your name throughout the lands of Gaul and amongst the Germans."

    Sir Kay: "Yeah, the Germans already know his name. Because we totally kicked the arses of those Angles and Saxons and dudes like that. And now the Franks. Is there a list of German tribes we can check off?"

    With their king captured, the French and Frankish soldiers of Berry laid down their arms in surrender.

    Sir Kay: "You know, arms means weapons right?"

    King Claudas lifts his arms off of the ground hesitantly.

    King Bors' army herds in the soldiers and soon they're all locked up in iron chains and deposited in a pen for the night. The victorious soldiers of Brittany set up camp, ready to celebrate their hard-fought victory. The evening drew in and night fell upon the land. Torches were lit and the liquor flowed.

    King Bors: "I want to thank you again, Arthur! You saved my lost boy."

    King Arthur's cheeks are flushed red and he groggily grins like a fool.

    King Arthur: "Ya welcome, Kin' Burrs!"

    King Bors:
    "How much has he had?"

    Sir Kay:
    "He had one whiff."

    King Bors: "Whiff? You mean he didn't even drink it!?"

    King Arthur:
    "I wanna find a traffic cone. No night's drunkin' is complete wiffout a traffic cone on ya head."

    Sir Lancelot: "And handcuffs. You have to have been arrested for pissing on something for the night be to truly complete."

    Sir Bedievere: "I hate to point out that neither traffic cones nor handcuffs exist..."

    King Arthur: "Oi! Dun' spoil our good timeeeez. Mr... Mr... Mr Glasses-on-your-face."

    Bedivere pokes his thick-rimmed glasses up his nose as though he is affirming to Arthur that he does, indeed, wear glasses on his face. Although he hasn't drunk any of the alcohol, Sir Bedivere has been making the stuff for a while now. He has filtered it down to be around seventy percent alcohol - more than enough to make a man's chest hairs stand on end.

    Sir Bors: "Father, what will you do with King Claudas now?"

    The young knight hasn't touched, or even whiffed, a single drop of alcohol. He believes the body is a temple and shouldn't be stained. Initially this made him immensely unpopular but when everyone realised he could be the designated driver (of a horse and cart that is) he was everyone's new best friend.

    King Bors: "I have no idea. Throw him in a river?"

    Prince Lionel: "Woohoo!"

    Sir Bors: "That would be very dishonourable."

    Prince Lionel: "Party pooper!"

    Sir Bors: "Murder is not a party."

    Prince Lionel: "If we put a party hat on his head and blow party poppers when we lob it off, then it sure will look like a party!"

    King Bors: "Sorry Lionel, but your older brother is right. As much as it pains me to say it, we need to be the better men."

    The king gets to his feet.

    King Bors: "But that's no reason I can't gloat!"

    He strides off towards the pen where the soldiers and knights are being kept. King Arthur scrambles to his feet and then staggers after the older king, zig-zagging his way through the camp. Lancelot decides to help his king, though he is just as drunk (but because he actually drank some of Bedivere's brew), and they both end up zig-zagging arm-in-arm.

    They hear, rather than witness, the boastful bellows of Sir Palamedes across the camp and they see Lady Bertilak with a group of servants in jovial revelry. Arthur catches her eye and she offers him a slight smile before she turns her head back to the girls she is with.

    As the pair get closer to the camp Arthur spots his sister. She is, again, with the two strangers that they'd met on the route to the Terre Deserte. Arthur squares his shoulders and is about to go and give these two interlopers a piece of his mind but he bumps into a wall (which he could have sworn was put in his path on purpose despite swaying straight into it) and falls flat on his back in the soil.

    Sir Lancelot: "Ya highness? Wut ya doin' down... wherever ya are?"

    Arthur turns his head.

    King Arthur:
    "That's no' me. That's a rock."

    Lancelot pokes the rock.

    Sir Lancelot: "So it is. It's got your eyes."

    Arthur gasps in horror and clutches his face.

    King Arthur:
    "My eyes!!! Avenge me, Lancelot!"

    Lancelot proceeds to avenge his king by punting the rock. The rock flies off but not without leaving its attacker a major injury to the foot.

    Sir Lancelot: "T'was a fearsome foe, milord! But I killed it!"

    He winces as he tries to put pressure on his wounded limb. He helps Arthur to his feet.

    King Arthur: "I can see! It's a miracle!"

    Lancelot cheers and drinks from the empty flagon he's been carrying around for the past twenty minutes. They continue on their merry way, having forgotten poor Anna, and find the enemy pens. The soldiers are all in one pen to the rear, the knights and generals are in another pen and Claudas is by himself.

    Arthur and Lancelot jeer at the knights. Lancelot pulls his shirt over his head and runs around while Arthur starts singing;

    King Arthur:
    "Three lions on a shirt! Jules Rimet still gleaming! Thiiiiirty years of hurt, never stopped me dreaming!!!"

    The fact that football hasn't been invented yet doesn't stop our intrepid heroes from their football chants and songs of English superiority (even though England has always been better at war than football). By the time Arthur is calling 'One-niiiiiiiil! One-niiiiiiil!' one of the French knights gets to his feet.

    Knight: "I say, good chap, would you mind keeping it down?"

    King Arthur: "Did this guy just out-English me?"

    Knight: "Technically, I regret to inform you, there is no England or English yet."

    King Arthur: "Don't technically me!"

    Knight: "I am dreadfully sorry, old bean. I did not mean to offend!"

    King Arthur: "There he goes again, being all English. You're French! Shouldn't you be saying je nay say pass? Or something like that?"

    Sir Lancelot: "Yeeeeah!"

    Lancelot has apparently forgotten he is actually French too.

    Knight: "Well I think it might be rather rude if I spoke to you in French, good sir!"

    King Arthur: "Who are you anyway? Why are you so obscenely polite?"

    Knight: "My name is Sir Calogrevance! At your service!"

    He makes a low bow.

    Sir Lancelot: "Sir Calo...ger...ant?"

    King Arthur:
    "Sir Cum-in-my-pants! Why is someone so pleasant working for someone so... unpleasant?"

    Sir Calogrevance: "I happen to be a Berry-man born and bred, my lord."

    Arthur and Lancelot snicker at 'Berry-man'.

    Sir Calogrevance:
    "It is in my blood."

    Sir Lancelot:
    "You have berries in your blood?"

    They both start giggling again.

    Another knight: "Stop entertaining them, Calogrevance! Aren't we humiliated enough by our own king without being mocked by another?"

    King Arthur: "Exactly! Now I shall continue with the mocking!"

    Sir Calogrevance:
    "Actually, I was perhaps hoping you may consider not mocking us any further, old bean? We have been through quite enough as it is..."

    Calogrevance glances over to the pen where King Bors is speaking to King Claudas. Claudas is snivelling again.

    Another knight: "To think, we placed our lives on the line for that wimp!"

    The other knight is a massive beast of a man. He is over seven feet tall and broad-shouldered. His hair is long and tatty, in messy blonde curls. The facial hair on his face appears as though it has been hacked off with a blunt knife rather than trimmed to perfection like Arthur's efforts. He is the opposite to Sir Calogrevance, who is short, thin and so clean-shaven he looks like he might have been showering not five minutes ago. In fact Arthur is sure he can smell talcum powder.

    Sir Lancelot:
    "He does look kind of pathetic."

    Arthur feels a twitching of opportunity that snaps him out of his drunkenness.

    King Arthur:
    "Wouldn't you like to serve a true and honourable king, good knights?"

    Sir Calogrevance:
    "That would be the wish of any good and true knight."

    The other knight catches on much faster.

    Another knight: "And you reckon you're the man for that job?"

    King Arthur: "I believe I am. I kept your former liege alive, didn't I? You can see I'm a man of honour!"

    Sir Calogrevance: "It is true that King Claudas would not have shown you the same level of mercy, I must say! But would you truly be willing to take on a couple of old enemy knights, oh king?"

    Arthur shrugs.

    King Arthur: "You can't be any worse than Palamedes. I think I saw him riding his horse backwards before."

    The other knight finally stands up, with interest, and strides across the pen. Each step is a massive gap that would engulf Arthur's own footfalls. He stands so tall he could easily climb over the pen-fence. Arthur cranes his neck to look up at his face.

    Another knight:
    "I'm Sir Aggravain, the Frank. I only serve good, honest and brave kings."

    Sir Lancelot:
    "I think that suits King Arthur perfectly. He's just the right amount of stupid to be all three of those things!"

    Lancelot puts his hands on his hips with a prideful pose.

    Sir Lancelot: "And so am I!"

    Sir Calogrevance: "I daresay that may not be something to boast about, exactly..."

    Sir Aggravain: "I didn't say he has to be smart."

    Calogrevance shrugs wistfully.

    Sir Calogrevance: "Well, I am in if you are, old sport."

    Sir Aggravain beats a fist against his armoured chest.

    Sir Aggravain:
    "Good King Arthur. Would you take us as your knights?"

    Arthur fumbles getting Clarent from his sheath, suddenly remembering he's supposed to be drunk. Even with Sir Aggravain kneeling down, Arthur has to raise the sword pretty high to get it on his shoulders.

    King Arthur: "I dub thee, Sir Angry-veins. You're next Sir Can-O'-Grievance!"

    Just after Calogrevance is knighted and the two let out of the pen to now join their fellow knights of Britannia, there's a sudden howl of agony. They turn to see a figure bent over in Claudas' pen.

    Arthur is there first and he sees only one man in the pen, now lying on the ground dead.

    Sir Calogrevance:
    "Oh no. King Bors has been murdered!"

    Sir Aggravain:
    "And who else could have done it other than that snake, Claudas!?"

    From behind them appears Clare Bertilak.

    Lady Bertilak: "I think he went that way, my liege! He stole some clothing and ran away in disguise!"

    She points towards a little clothes maiden where a cloak was clearly missing.

    King Arthur: "Arise! Arise! Criminal on the loose!"

    Before long the camp is in an uproar and knights and soldiers are dashing everywhere and out of the camp with flaming torches. Arthur and Calogrevance remain with King Bors. He is already dead, even though Calogrevance tries his best to bring the old man back from the brink. As Arthur stands there he becomes aware that there are two people behind him. He turns to see the two sons of the dead king.

    Sir Bors looks horrified. Prince Lionel, however, is glowering with rage. The young man doesn't even speak to voice his outrage. He just turns and shoves his way past Sir Bors.

    Sir Calogrevance:
    "That is one feud that will not end well, old bean. Mark my words."

  7. #167
    Tea-sipper, character-killer

    Arrow Origins V

    Space Camelot
    Origins V

    Characters: King Arthur | Queen Guinevere | Prince Mordred | Morganna le Fay | Merlin the Younger | Sir Kay | Sir Lancelot | Sir Bedivere | Sir Galahad | Sir Tristram | Sir Caelia | Sir Red Rose Knight | Sir Black Knight | Sir Faerie Knight | Andy | Admiral Ltexi | Gamma Pans | King Mark | Queen Iseult | Sir Gawain | Sir Robin | Sir Greene Knight | Isolde of the White Hands | Sir Palamedes | Newrias | King ”enegus | Princess Guinevak | King Lot | King Urien | King Caradoc | Queen Morgause | Prester John | The Red Cross Knight | Sir Ector | Bors the Elder | King Hoel | Sir Bors | King Rience | Anna Pendragon | King Claudas | Prince Lionel | Lady Bertilak | Nyneve | Sir Aggravain | Sir Calogrevance

    Claudas' legs whirl in every direction as he runs from his pursuers. Day has broken but the knights and soldiers of Brittany are still hunting for him for the death of the king of Vannes. The darkness of the night had shrouded his escape but now the sun threatens him with exposure. The grassy field leaves him wide open and an obvious bobbing target so he steers himself towards the treeline of the closest woodland.

    He never liked Berry. Being the son of the king of the Franks he was meant to rule a kingdom of his own, it was only proper, but he always felt that kingdom should have been something grandiose - like Brittany. Not something bird's usually eat.

    But he always fancied himself a man of command, not a man of action. Being so close to the actual fighting has not gone so well for him thus far. He would have to track his way further into Berry and summon the forces of the Frankish kingdom. He might even resort to travelling to the Terre Deserte and seeking help there.

    But even now he could still see the dying face of King Bors. The blood spurting from his mouth and the dagger in the back of his knife was pulled free. The blood had cascaded down onto Claudas' own face and he had recoiled in horror.

    He shakes his head, trying to forget it. If he had given the order to kill Claudas, it may have sat more easily on Claudas' shoulders. But the suddenness and brutality of the attack sends constant chills down the Frank's spine whenever his mind drifts back to the previous night.

    As he goes through the woods he becomes aware of a presence. It's stalking him and he quickly realises he has become the prey of some supernatural being. While this is something he is aware of, and has even had experience with in the Terre Deserte, it doesn't help bolster his courage. There is the flash of a pale face through the trees and then it is gone. He stops still. He can't outrun this kind of creature. His only hope is to negotiate.

    Nyneve: "Hullo, little king. Enjoying your walk?"

    He spins to see the NeSferatu. She isn't very tall but her lack of physical presence is made up for with an ominous aura that exudes around her. He gets the sense of true corruption. He reckons she was likely once an innocent maiden that became the plaything of some ancient NeSferatu master. He hates these kinds of monsters.

    King Claudas: "I don't suppose you're here to help me?"

    Nyneve: "Now why would I do that?"

    King Claudas: "Why would you hunt me down? There's a whole camp full of younger men out there..."

    "Good observation! You're not as stupid at those French claim..."

    Claudas makes a mental note to punish the next Frenchman he comes across.

    "I'm only here because my..."

    She tilts her head and searches the canopy with thoughtful eyes.

    Nyneve: "Pet is looking for you. I wanted to know what she's so invested in."

    King Claudas: "Just to see? So... you'll let me go?"

    Nyneve: "I'm not here to stop you, if that's what you mean..."

    Claudas thanks his lucky stars.

    King Claudas: "Okay then! Nice meeting you! Bye~!"

    He half expects her to stand in his path, but she doesn't move even a muscle. She just watches him go. He doesn't bother to question his luck. He just keeps going. And yet he is aware that she is, again, following him. He wonders what her game is but tries to ignore the presence.

    He leaps over a fallen log and but his feet land on the earth he feels a tugging at his boots. He looks down just in time to see the wire twang.

    He throws himself to the floor as a gigantic boxing glove swings towards him. He isn't even sure what boxing is, or why it would have a big red glove, but he knows that's what it is. He looks up to see the glove swinging back and forth.

    Sir Bedivere: "Seems I have to work on that one."

    Sir Kay: "And all of the other failed traps. At least this one he noticed!"

    Sir Palamedes: "The shark in a pit was a tad excessive..."

    Sir Kay: "When even Palamedes thinks you went over-the-top, you know you went waaaaaay over-the-top."

    Sir Palamedes: "He did fall for the painted scenery though!"

    Sir Kay:
    "Just a shame he didn't walk into it."

    King Claudas whines to himself as he realises he's been followed by these hapless fools all this time. How pathetic he must seem. His father would snarl in disgust, maybe even disown him, if the old man could see his son sprawled on the floor and whimpering.

    Sir Bedivere:
    "Well, if I used a painted scene of a gingerbread cottage and a pit with an octopus in it..."

    Sir Kay: "So, do we kill him now?"

    Sir Palamedes:
    "That wouldn't be very honourable..."

    Sir Kay: "He offed King Bors, remember? How many kings does he have to murder before we execute him?"

    Sir Palamedes: "He is a dishonourable dog..."

    Sir Bedivere:
    "Our orders don't stipulate whether he must be alive or dead. Just to stop him."

    King Claudas: "Wait, wait. Please!"

    Sir Kay: "We're not listening to you this time."

    King Claudas: "I didn't kill King Bors! I would never stoop to such an act as murder!!"

    He totally lied.

    Sir Kay:
    "Did someone just say he lied?"

    King Claudas: "What? No! I didn't do it!"

    Okay, this part is true.

    Sir Kay: "I guess that must be true... he's too much of a coward to do it himself."

    Sir Bedivere: "I'm good at tying knots!"


    Some days later the knights of King Arthur are entering the grand city of Cornouaille. Named after Cornwall in England, Cornouaille is the presiding capital of Brittany. It is a city of tall town houses with steep roofs and well worn Roman roads built in decades gone by. Being a major city, it's crammed with people, animals and mountains of poo. Everywhere.

    Sir Kay draws a deep breath and a contented sigh.

    Sir Kay: "Smell that!?"

    Sir Bedivere:

    Sir Kay:
    "That's the smell of city living. Nothing so wonderful."

    Sir Bors:
    "I can think of one thing more wonderful right about now. A clothespeg."

    Sir Kay: "Bah! You country bumpkins don't understand! Here you can find everything, do anything! Wine, women and food all at your fingertips! Or on your fingertips! HA!"

    Lady Bertilak:
    "What a disgusting brute you are."

    Sir Kay: "I take that as a compliment!"

    He beams ear-to-ear.

    The soldiers of King Bors had returned home to Vannes - distraught at the loss of their king - while Arthur's own troop have dragged King Claudas to face judgement before King Hoel. Prince Lionel, now the expectant king of Vannes, decided to travel with Arthur before being crowned. As King Lionel, he would have to bend the knee to King Hoel anyway and so he would do that on this trip.

    Sir Calogrevance: "I do hate to point out the flaw to your logic, good sir, but I rather think the words 'disgusting' and 'brute' are meant as anything but a compliment."

    Sir Kay: "Do you always say too much?"

    Sir Aggravain:
    "Yes he does."

    Sir Calogrevance: "I say, Aggravain, that is akin to stabbing a fellow in the back after all these years as compatriots in arms!"

    Sir Aggravain:
    "Thanks for proving my point."

    Sir Calogrevance: "Well, if speaking as eloquently and respectfully as I can muster means I speak too much then I do declare myself to be, wholeheartedly, guilty as charged and absolutely proud of that fact."

    Sir Aggravain: "See? You could have just said, 'I like to talk a lot' and be done with it."

    Sir Calogrevance: "I do not merely 'like' to 'talk a lot', rather I feel it is a matter of grace and honour to speak in such a manner as befits a royal knight and vassal to a mighty and worthy king such as our esteemed Arthur Pendragon I! It would be a grave offence if I could only bring myself to utter monosyllabic words when I am entirely capable of much greater linguistic feats!"

    Sir Aggravain: "So you're saying me and Kay are offensive?"

    Sir Calogrevance: "On the contrary my good friend and fellow knights! My practice is merely the capacity to which I was gifted by He-who-resides-above and I, in all humility, would never expect any other man to exceed his natural capabilities!"

    Sirs Kay and Aggravain frown at each other before glaring at Calogrevance.

    Sir Kay: "Are you saying we're dumb!?"

    Lady Bertilak gives a giggle that sounds like the tinkling of bells.

    Lady Bertilak:
    "Sir Calogrevance, you are indeed a fine and honourable gentleman!"

    Sir Calogrevance: "My Lady, I am honoured and humbled by such high praise from such a wondrous marvel of female kind as yourself! Please accept my sincerest gratitude and overture that I am certainly unworthy of your gracious attentions!"

    The other knights, even Bedivere, rolls their eyes at that but Lady Bertilak seems stricken as her cheeks flush.

    Lady Bertilak: "Nonsense, good knight! You are far too kind! Your words and form are most endearing to me and, I'm sure, to any lady."

    Sir Calogrevance: "My Lady, your applaudable nature is only outmatched by your lovely countenance and radiant aura of sheer divinity that makes any gentleman wonder if you were blessed by the angels themselves."

    Clare now uses a fan to waft her face and finds she is unable to give any kind of adequate response to such an extreme compliment.

    The people of the town move out of the way of the incoming parade and many of them cheer to see King Claudas in irons. Prince Lionel rides at the front, along side King Arthur, and swells with pride at the reception. He waves his hand to the crowds with gentility that Arthur is confused by. Lionel didn't capture Claudas or anything, what's he bloody waving for?

    At the centre of Cornouaille they approach the majestic Quimper Castle. Arthur, thus far, has found these Brittany names to be quite silly. Berry and now Quimper? Cornouaille was stolen from Cornwall and that's the only descent name he's heard thus far. The castle itself is tall with grand turrets and plenty of arrow slits. Located near to the coast of Brittany, somewhat north of Vannes, the city would be the guardian of the coast from pirates. The fierce men of the northern lands of Europe had been stirring and the occasional raiding party against the lands of the Franks and other German tribes had been reported. Arthur reckons it's only a matter of time before these barbarians are off pillaging lands in Brittany and perhaps even Brittannia. Of course Arthur's progeny should be more than capable of dealing with such heathens. They have his genes after all!

    Not that he knows what genes are but he's certain he has them to pass on.

    The drawbridge to the castle is lowered already and Arthur passes through into the courtyard where he sees some soldiers on duty and stable boys running about. From inside the castle comes King Hoel himself, accompanied by a baby girl in his arms. As they draw near, Anna hops off of her horse and rushes to assume responsibility of the child. Hoel is happy to release his daughter to Anna's care but as Anna kisses the child on the nose Arthur gets a strange flash in his mind - as though this relationship wouldn't end well, no matter how much Anna loves the girl. Arthur hopes that wasn't some kind of message sent by God because he is in no position to question his sister nor King Hoel. And he really doesn't want to get involved in any familial dispute right now. It will only end in tears.

    King Hoel: "Well done, Arthur! On behalf of Brittany, I thank you most sincerely!"

    King Arthur: "I'm sorry about King Bors..."

    King Hoel: "No matter. He died knowing his sons are free. That would be enough for him."

    Prince Lionel: "Thank you, King Hoel. Your words do him proud."

    Arthur and Lionel dismount and King Claudas is dragged up to the front of the queue. Knights are dismounting and gossiping. Sir Kay is already trying his best to woo one of the maids but she claims he's a devil thanks to his red hair.

    Sir Kay: "A devil in bed, maybe!"

    She slaps him.

    King Hoel is shocked when Claudas is brought up.

    King Hoel: "The scoundrel yet lives!?"

    King Arthur: "Aye, he surrendered quite readily. Twice. He--"

    Suddenly King Hoel thrusts a dagger straight into the gullet of King Claudas. Everyone jumps in shock. The women, except Anna, cover their eyes in horror. Blood sprays across the cobbled stone of the courtyard as Claudas drops to his knees, gurgling. Hoel removes his dagger and Claudas face-plants.

    King Arthur:
    "That was... unexpected."

    Hoel wipes the blood from the dagger onto his tunic and looks at the younger king sternly.

    King Hoel: "Do not suffer a snake to live, Arthur. You will surely rue the day. An honourable foe is one thing, but this creature was no man. That worm has nasty venom that can kill if allowed to fester."

    For a moment there is silence.

    Then Lionel kicks the dead body.

    Prince Lionel: "I... I wish you had let me do that..."

    King Hoel: "Probably for the best, young man."

    He returns the dagger to its sheath.

    King Hoel: "Now you can begin your reign over Vannes without this looming over you. Your hands are clean, as is your reputation."

    Several weeks of merrymaking go by until Arthur is ready to return home to Britannia. He has to still conquer the Picts to the north of Hen Ogledd and then take on the mighty Irish kings. This French diversion has been fun but it is time to return to his own fight, yet equipped with new knights, honour and glory. His knights leave the city of Cornouaille and Castle Quimper behind. Arthur is the last to leave as he walks beside Llamrei on his left and his sister to his right.

    They hug and Arthur feels her cold flesh against his own.

    King Arthur:
    "Be careful, Anna."

    Anna: "I'm not the one running into battles."

    King Arthur:
    "I suppose that's true. Just... I don't think King Hoel is the kind to tolerate... anything unusual."

    Anna: "I think you might be right. I'll take care of myself. Thank you, brother. It's nice to know someone cares about me."

    King Arthur: "Of course I care. So does Morgause."

    Anna: "My bat**** crazy sister doesn't count. She cares about her pet rock."

    King Arthur:
    "I know. She tells me about it in her letters. She said she named it Francis."

    Anna shrugs with sympathy and bids her brother farewell as he straddles his horse.

    Anna: "And tell that other brother of ours that he's an ******."

    Arthur frowns.

    King Arthur: "Is that a hat made of ass hide?"

    Anna: "Something like that. Either way, I'm sure he'll realise he's being insulted."

    King Arthur: "He wouldn't expect anything less. He could probably use a hat to hide his hair. Everyone in France thinks he's an evil demon because he has red hair."

    Anna: "Maybe he is?"

    King Arthur: "It would explain a lot!"

    They have a good chuckle as he rides away.

    After several hours of riding along the Roman roads to the coast the troupe is stopped by a single woman standing in the middle of the road. She is standing in an arrogant manner, hand on her hip as though she's been waiting for Arthur to hurry up. She is wearing a dress that is a century or two out of fashion and her hair is black and wild. He recognises her as the woman that has been following his sister.

    Arthur rides out to meet the stranger.

    King Arthur: "You stand in our path."

    He didn't mean to sound rude to her but found he couldn't muster the normal grace of manners for such a suspicious specimen. She just smirks at him with black-painted lips and then gives a curtsy that is just too over-the-top to be genuine.

    Nyneve: "Your majesty! Nice to meet you at last! I'm Nyneve. Your sister said I need to show you respect, so consider yourself respected."

    He frowns.

    King Arthur:
    "What do you want?"

    Nyneve: "I'm coming with you!"

    King Arthur:
    "No your bloody not!"

    She blinks in mild surprise.

    "Huh! Usually people ask me why before they say no. You just skipped half of our conversation!"

    King Arthur: "Because I already know where it ends. It ends with me saying no your bloody not."

    Nyneve: "Well, I'll tell you anyway! I am the latest student of Merlin!"

    Now Arthur is surprised.

    King Arthur:

    Nyneve: "Well, he doesn't know it just yet. But he will know it when I get there! I thought we could travel together! I want to know if you're anything like your sister."

    King Arthur: "I doubt it."

    Nyneve: "You're probably right. You're not as smart as she is, but you are way more stubborn. Come on then!"

    King Arthur: "Come on what?"

    Nyneve: "Help me onto your horse! I am a lady, didn't you notice?"

    King Arthur: "Oh! Well, I think maybe one of my knights would be better s--"

    She has her hand on his in a flash and is already trying to get a foot in the stirrup. He is forced to allocate her and she side-saddles in front of him.

    Nyneve: "Which one is your wife?"

    King Arthur: "What? Why!?"

    "I want to wave at her. Ah, this must be she!"

    Queen Guinevere: "That's correct, madam. I am Guinevere. I heard you name yourself as Nyneve?"

    "I did."

    Queen Guinevere:
    "Such a beautiful name. In Wales we have a legend about a certain Nyneve of Ireland who was taken as the unholy bride of a terrible Irish king. In many ways, it's quite a romantic story. She is torn from her beloved Roman husband and his merry crew of sailors but she falls under the evil king's spell and becomes his dark messenger. Have you heard the tale?"

    Nyneve: "Of course. I prefer to think that she simply chose the better man in the end. Britticus was not nearly so powerful as the Count, after all."

    Queen Guinevere: "You seem to know the story even better than I do..."

    Nyneve narrows her eyes but a knowing smile creeps on her lips.

    Nyneve: "My dear king, I hope you appreciate what an intelligent wife you have. Intelligent and cunning."

    King Arthur: "Aye! She's awesome!"

    Queen Guinevere:
    "Thank you, Arthur. I think Merlin will be quite pleased to meet his new student..."

    And so they travelled back to the lands of Britannia and then trekked northwards towards the ancient Stonehenge, built millennia ago by magical beings of the ancient world. When they arrive Merlin greets Nyneve as though he had known her for many years before turning to Arthur and his knights. With Merlin is Morganna le Fay, Arthur's one-time love and sister. She, as usual, looks bored. Also with them is a younger girl who has brilliantly curly, blonde hair that is filled with flowers.

    "And so I have three protťgťs. I have no apprentices for centuries and then suddenly I have three of them all at once. Just like buses."

    Arthur frowns.

    King Arthur: "What the Hell is a bus?"

    While the knights behind him cringe at the blasphemy, Merlin doesn't even notice it.

    Merlin: "Here, my boy, I have something for you."

    He snapped his fingers and from the aether appears a long, sharp blade. It is an odd blue hue that shimmers as its drifts towards Arthur's out-stretched hand.

    "It has taken me a century to craft this sword--"

    King Arthur:
    "Bloody Hell! You work slow!"

    Merlin: "I-- I'm a busy wizard, don't you know? I can't spend every minute forges a stupid sword, you know? Anyway! Where was I?"

    King Arthur: "You were talking about my sword."

    Morgan: "I want to talk about your sword."

    She raises an eyebrow at her brother and then casts an evil glare at Guinevere. The teenage girl looks at Morganna, who is almost the same height despite being several years older.

    Lynne: "Why do you want to talk about the sword? You said you hate stupid swords."

    Morgan: "You are too stupid for words, you know that, Lynne?"

    Lynne shoves Morganna and in a moment there's a sudden war of magic going on behind Merlin. Merlin continues to look straight at Arthur as though nothing is happening at all. Nyneve watches the blasting of spells and explosions of aether.

    Nyneve: "I take it back. I don't want to learn any more."

    Merlin: "Now now. Girls will be girls. Arthur, my boy, please take the sword before it falls on you."

    King Arthur: "Oh right."

    He accepts the hilt into his palm and he has the strangest sensation that the sword has always been there. As though it belongs there.

    Merlin: "This was created from an incredibly rare and precious material that has never before been found on our planet."

    King Arthur: "Totally awesome!"

    Sir Calogrevance: "Your highness, would you like me to perhaps relate your mood with a tad more eloquence than 'totally awesome'?"

    King Arthur: "Uh... okay?"

    Sir Calogrevance:
    "King Arthur looks upon the mystical blade as the epitome of resplendence and acknowledges its rarity in the universe and would magniloquently express his reverence and appreciation for such a profound gift from the wise sage."

    Arthur looks from Calogrevance to Merlin.

    King Arthur: "What Sir Calzone-in-France said."

    Merlin just rolls his eyes.

    Merlin: "Now you must travel to Lake Glaslyn at Mount Snowdon to ask for the Lady of the Lake's blessing upon the sword. For all my powers as NeSorcerer, she still has vast powers I could not match. I have given the blade Potential. You must now unlock it."

    Arthur pouts.

    King Arthur: "I have to go all the way to Wales? Why doesn't she come here? She's from that hole thingy underneath Stonehenge, isn't she?"

    Merlin: "She is the Lady of the Lake, Arthur. Not the Lady of the Hole Thingy. And how do you know about the Rift anyway? Only druids and magicians are allowed into Doughnutdelf! You never cease to amaze me, my boy. You do possess rare gifts that are clouded over by... well. By the rest of you."

    King Arthur: "I want to say thanks but I feel I should smack you with the sheath of this sword."

    And so Nyneve was left in the care of her new mentor while Arthur band of merry men went off to Wales. Guinevere was most happy since she is just visiting home, while Arthur whines that he wants to get on to business instead. He can't deny, however, the thrill of a new, shiny weapon. Most of his knights are incredibly jealous.

    When they reach the base of Mount Snowdon, everyone stops. Arthur dismounts and chooses Sir Lancelot and Sir Bedivere to go with him while everyone else waits below. He isn't sure why, but he thinks it would be more respectful not to show up with a whole unit of armed knights.

    They first pass by Lake Llydaw, in which Arthur is sure something wriggled ominously. They instead continue forth until they find Lake Glaslyn. According to Merlin, this is where the girl Lynne had been found picking flowers and herbs. Though young, the outcast girl had been acting as a healer for the local town and had a natural aptitude for alchemical lore. The Lady of the Lake had taken the girl to Merlin, who claimed her as an apprentice immediately. Arthur was most pleased as he was certain the girl could be pressed into becoming a doctor when Castle Camelot is finally built.

    When they reach the lake they find the surface of the water quite still. They stand there for a few minutes of uncomfortable silence until Arthur pipes up;

    King Arthur: "Helloooo~?"

    Bedivere crouches beside the lake.

    Sir Bedivere: "This water is most unnatural. I should test it."

    Sir Lancelot: "By poking it with a stick?"

    Sir Bedivere: "It is the most rudimentary test of anything, Lancelot. What do they teach French boys at school, I must ask? Poke it with a stick. If it does nothing, poke it more. If it pokes back, run."

    Vivane: "Please don't poke me."

    The three of them fall over with shock. They had all blinked and she is there, floating an inch above the surface of the water in a gown made of flowing blue. Her hair, too, appears as water flowing down her head and dripping down her figure.

    Sir Lancelot: "Fairy God-mother! What're you doing here!?"

    Arthur and Bedivere need a moment to process that.

    Sir Bedivere: "Did you just... call her your..."

    King Arthur: "Fairy God-mother?"

    Sir Lancelot: "Absolutely! She found me as a baby and adopted me for a time. When my real family was found, I was returned to my uncle, King Bors. My parents were never found though."

    Vivane: "It is good to see you again, Lancelot. I hope you have been playing nice?"

    Sir Lancelot: "I have! And I have a new best friend!"

    Lancelot puts his arm around Arthur.

    Vivane: "At least you're in good company. Here, Lancelot, I have a sword for you too."

    A sword raises from the lake.

    Vivane: "Be careful, this is an evil blade..."

    Sir Lancelot recoils.

    Vivane: "But I have blessed the hilt so that only one of tremendous honour may wield it. It's name is Arondight. Use it well, Lancelot, and always in the name of justice and honour."

    He accepts the sword with wonder.

    Vivane: "And Arthur. Hold your sword aloft."

    Arthur raises his sword and it throbs with sudden light as Vivane pours aether into it.

    King Arthur: "I HAVE THE POWEEEEEEEEER!!!"

    Vivane: "I hereby name this sword Excalibur. May you use it wisely in your years to come, good king."

    King Arthur: "That was totally awesome!"

    Sir Lancelot: "I almost miss Calogrevance right about now."

    Sir Bedivere swells expectantly but when he realises he isn't going to get a sword he deflates dejectedly.

    Vivane: "Go now, knights of Camelot. Spread honour and justice throughout the lands of Britannia and bring about a world of peace and happiness to its people."

    King Arthur:
    "I get to stab people with this, right?"

    Vivane sighs.

    Vivane: "Yes. But try to only use it on bad guys, okay?"

    King Arthur: "I'm all over it!"

    He looks from Vivane to Lancelot and back again.

    King Arthur: "Fairy God-mother? You're not even a fairy!"

    Vivane sighs again.

    Vivane: "I know, I know. I'm Aes Sidhe. Humans just call me fairy God-mother when I look after them. I don't know why."

    Sir Lancelot: "Actually, I did notice something strange!"

    Vivane grumbles as she knows what he is going to say.

    Sir Lancelot:
    "You didn't say the magic words when you blessed Arthur's sword!"

    Vivane: "... ... bippity-boppity-boo."

    Lancelot claps his hands like a little child seeing fireworks.

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