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Thread: Personal crap

  1. #1

    Personal crap

    I'm not sure how to really approach this. I my oldest nephew is 11 years younger than me, he grew up in my shadow. I always viewed him as a little brother and after his parents got divorced he, his mother and sister moved in with my parents and I. He was around 12 and I was in my early 20's and he started viewing me as a pseudo father figure. We were pretty close until I got married and after that we tried seeing him as often as we could, but he got more distant and started having other plans when we were available. He joined the Marines last year, and came home for Christmas last week. I tried setting up a time to hang out with him but he remained vague at first and then stopped texting back altogether.


    It turns out that for years he has hated me and my side of the family. I don't know why, I'm not here to analyze how that happened or what his motives are. I just felt like my guts were kicked out of me when I saw him tonight. Sure I've dealt with unrequited love and rejection from girls, but to have someone I grew up, someone like a brother who I care immensely about reject me for no apparent reason is tearing me up.


    I guess what I'm trying to ask is if you've dealt with similar situations and how you coped. (I don't drink, so that isn't an option.) Or if this is just one of those things you have to deal with and keep moving?

  2. #2
    I've had fraught family relations over the course of my life, here and there, especially with my siblings. The thing about family is that family relations are permanent. Unlike a romantic relationship, which can end, you'll always be related to your nephew. You might have a troubled relationship with him now, and there may be nothing you can do to change it, so perhaps you shouldn't try to reach out, at least not desperately. Just wait, and try not to be too hard on yourself. If you've acted in good faith and have been decent to him, eventually he'll come around. He may just need space. And it may take time and patience on your side. That's my take.
    Last edited by Eversor; 12-28-2017 at 04:53 AM.

  3. #3
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    How did you find out of his dislike for your family? Did he say it to you directly, or is this information from a third party?

  4. #4
    I think all you can do is deal with it and keep on for the moment. You've got to keep in mind that he is getting all sorts of ideas about how to think of himself and his past in the marines, so this information doesn't necessarily actually reflect on your previous relationship.
    sniff

  5. #5
    Thank you for your input. I moved today (probably part of the emotional distress) and had a lot of time to think about the feedback I've gotten here as well as replaying the events surrounding my nephew over the past few years.

    His younger sister is really close to my wife and I, and we took her to see a christmas light display they have at the Zoo here. We talked about her brother with her and that was how we got the information. The biggest problem is that my nephew is extremely non confrontational. He's also a habitual liar and will be what others expect him to be. I called him out on his avoiding my inquiry to spend time together and even with that being an opening to come clean about it he further deflected that there was a problem. When I saw him last night it was after the zoo so my wife and niece were in the car. We picked him up at a diner and were taking him to his mom's so we could exchange gifts. It was weird because he was very assertive about his opinions about everything we conversed about, but at the same time my niece saw that he was texted a girl about how bored he was being with us.

    At his house he accepted my gifts to him but avoided eye contact and ignored us completely when it came to any other interactions. The thing about his behavior is that he is projecting this tough stoic persona for the friends he wants to be validated by. His issues go deeper, but I also want to respect his privacy outside of this situation.

    I think Eversor's response resonates with the approach I'm going to take from here on out. I'll be there if he approaches me, but reaching out to him isn't going to solve anything until he changes his mind about his world view.

  6. #6
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    My youngest brother told me recently, after a barrage of insults, that he literally believes that I'm Satan, & he even alluded to violence, should I ever have the audacity to disagree with him in his own home. Blood may be thicker than water, but there comes a time in every man's life when he must decide to either sever ties with those that have insulted him, or invite them outside for a little ass whipping. I guess we'll see which one of those options is in store the next time I'm back in Kentucky.
    ? :)

  7. #7
    Sorry to hear that, Mentat.
    Since this is your own personal crap I can understand if you don't want to divulge too much, but is the Satan statement a dyed in the wool southern life perspective thing? I only ask because I lived near Kentucky for a while (Knoxville Tennessee) and had similar rhetoric slung at me.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom-Seraph View Post
    Sorry to hear that, Mentat.
    Since this is your own personal crap I can understand if you don't want to divulge too much, but is the Satan statement a dyed in the wool southern life perspective thing? I only ask because I lived near Kentucky for a while (Knoxville Tennessee) and had similar rhetoric slung at me.
    Watch this **** at 58 minutes and you'll see how some people view Satan.

  9. #9
    I was wondering how you found that video Reid until I read the comments.

    Anyway, yes Hail Satan, a thousand times over.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Reid View Post
    Watch this **** at 58 minutes and you'll see how some people view Satan.
    The next segment opened with a bunch of "ethnic" men at a bar. It's like porn, you don't even need to watch it, you know exactly where it's going.

  11. #11

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    I took a personal crap just this morning.


    . V .

  12. #12
    But at least you didn't crap on a person.

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jon`C View Post
    The next segment opened with a bunch of "ethnic" men at a bar. It's like porn, you don't even need to watch it, you know exactly where it's going.
    Just because the cops have a Wisconsin accent doesn't mean "ethnic".
    SnailIracing:n(500tpostshpereline)pants
    -----------------------------@%

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom-Seraph View Post
    Sorry to hear that, Mentat.
    Since this is your own personal crap I can understand if you don't want to divulge too much, but is the Satan statement a dyed in the wool southern life perspective thing? I only ask because I lived near Kentucky for a while (Knoxville Tennessee) and had similar rhetoric slung at me.
    Let's just say that I'm the black sheep in my family, in many regards (politics, religion, etc.), that my wife & I aren't great at suppressing our opinions in the face of ignorance, & that this often results in tricky situations. This particular incident was the result of my sister-in-law's inability to deal with the reality that persons of the pro-choice persuasion exist, during her pregnancy, so she severed all lines of communication with us, & though this wasn't terribly upsetting to either of us, I decided that I'd inquire as to why & recommend against it, & thus apparently opened the flood gates to decades of pent-up anger from my brother. I find it absurd to claim to be humble or more introspective than others, but I do spend a great deal of time meditating, journaling, & attempting to understand myself (everyone needs hobbies), so I was a bit surprised to hear someone say those sorts of things about me. There were exaggerations ("You don't believe in anything!"), fabrications ("You smoked marijuana in front of your parents!"), half-truths ("You can't stand working for anyone!"), misconceptions ("You believe in killing babies!"), & revisions ("I was NOT drinking beer with you at our parents' place!")! I remember, during the telephone barrage, thinking to myself just how little my brother actually knew about me, & it wasn't due to a lack of effort on my part. I used to roll my eyes at those people that made silly posts on social networking websites about how we should all get negative people out of our lives, because I'd often think that these people were just reinforcing the walls of their echo chamber, & trapping inside their own mutual admiration society, but I now think that there's some truth to it. Sometimes, even if it is family, it's just not worth the effort.
    ? :)

  15. #15
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    Mentat: sounds like your whole family (yourself included) lack the maturity to just keep your mouths shut. I doubt you will change their minds, nor they yours; why does it keep coming up, or once it is brought up, why keep arguing about it? Just to be right and smarter than everyone else? It's like a whole family of JonC: always gotta be opinionated and gotta be right, even when I'm wrong. Like you said, if it's family, it's not worth the effort to argue. All it does is make everyone mad and sow discord among your relatives. When there is no definitive answer, is it worth the familial fallout? [Edit: I guess that depends on how much you like your family ]

    Also, if you didn't know, pregnant women are crazy and their emotions go nuts. The thought of an abortion to a pregnant women can be very difficult.
    Last edited by Steven; 01-11-2018 at 12:07 PM.

  16. #16
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    If youíre so mature to keep your mouth shut, I dunno why you gotta drag me into your ****

  17. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Reverend Jones View Post
    But at least you didn't crap on a person.
    Or even worse still, he could have crapped out a person.

  18. #18
    Crapping through a person probably is probably pretty bad too, but I missed that one.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jon`C View Post
    If youíre so mature to keep your mouth shut, I dunno why you gotta drag me into your ****
    Name:  sowwyforgive.gif
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  20. #20
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    steven you forgot to call jonk a snowflake

  21. #21
    This thread's got Satan written all over it.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom-Seraph View Post
    It was weird because he was very assertive about his opinions about everything we conversed about, but at the same time my niece saw that he was texted a girl about how bored he was being with us.
    I wouldn't be too worried about a late teens guy deciding he's too cool to hang out with his family. Why's your niece stirring up **** though?

    At his house he accepted my gifts to him but avoided eye contact and ignored us completely when it came to any other interactions.
    Sounds like shame to me, not hate.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mentat View Post
    My youngest brother told me recently, after a barrage of insults, that he literally believes that I'm Satan, & he even alluded to violence, should I ever have the audacity to disagree with him in his own home. Blood may be thicker than water, but there comes a time in every man's life when he must decide to either sever ties with those that have insulted him, or invite them outside for a little ass whipping. I guess we'll see which one of those options is in store the next time I'm back in Kentucky.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mentat View Post
    Let's just say that I'm the black sheep in my family, in many regards (politics, religion, etc.), that my wife & I aren't great at suppressing our opinions in the face of ignorance, & that this often results in tricky situations. This particular incident was the result of my sister-in-law's inability to deal with the reality that persons of the pro-choice persuasion exist, during her pregnancy, so she severed all lines of communication with us, & though this wasn't terribly upsetting to either of us, I decided that I'd inquire as to why & recommend against it, & thus apparently opened the flood gates to decades of pent-up anger from my brother. I find it absurd to claim to be humble or more introspective than others, but I do spend a great deal of time meditating, journaling, & attempting to understand myself (everyone needs hobbies), so I was a bit surprised to hear someone say those sorts of things about me. There were exaggerations ("You don't believe in anything!"), fabrications ("You smoked marijuana in front of your parents!"), half-truths ("You can't stand working for anyone!"), misconceptions ("You believe in killing babies!"), & revisions ("I was NOT drinking beer with you at our parents' place!")! I remember, during the telephone barrage, thinking to myself just how little my brother actually knew about me, & it wasn't due to a lack of effort on my part. I used to roll my eyes at those people that made silly posts on social networking websites about how we should all get negative people out of our lives, because I'd often think that these people were just reinforcing the walls of their echo chamber, & trapping inside their own mutual admiration society, but I now think that there's some truth to it. Sometimes, even if it is family, it's just not worth the effort.
    Your brother is a lazy moron. No offense.

  23. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by Reid View Post
    Watch this **** at 58 minutes and you'll see how some people view Satan.
    I like how you evaluate two steps after you shoot.

  24. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Jon`C View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom-Seraph View Post
    It was weird because he was very assertive about his opinions about everything we conversed about, but at the same time my niece saw that he was texted a girl about how bored he was being with us.

    At his house he accepted my gifts to him but avoided eye contact and ignored us completely when it came to any other interactions.
    I wouldn't be too worried about a late teens guy deciding he's too cool to hang out with his family. Why's your niece stirring up **** though?
    I can see how it would look that way. But I can promise you, she's not stirring anything up. Before my nephew came back she was his biggest defender, though during his visit she became very disillusioned with him. He has developed this attitude that women are worthless aside from sex. He used to be supportive of her, but when he wasn't belittling her he was indifferent to her. I think the reason she told us about his text was to validate her frustrations with him and my concerns over him. I could have done without the information, but I didn't think it was to stir **** up, just to vent.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon`C View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom-Seraph View Post
    At his house he accepted my gifts to him but avoided eye contact and ignored us completely when it came to any other interactions.
    Sounds like shame to me, not hate.
    I can tell the difference between shame and indifference. The tv was on and he was more interested in whatever X-men movie was airing than us.

    A few days later my wife and I went in for an ultrasound to find out the gender of our baby. We sent out a mass text to announce that we were having a girl. His exact response was “Dang. I'm sorry.” When we'd talked previously he was insistent that it would be a boy.
    When his dad remarried he had three girls in a row, my nephew at the time said he was embarrassed for his dad because he couldn't have sons, like he was less of a man because of it.

    I'm just at a loss here. I'm proud that I'm having a daughter, if his response was supposed to be a joke, it was in poor taste and poorly delivered. In the meantime I'm going to take a step back. I don't see him coming around any time soon, if ever, but I'm tired of wasting time and energy investing feeling in him when he isn't even willing to be up front about things.

  25. #25
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    He's an ass. The military can do that to people.

    Congrats on the girly. I have two boys, I'm not sure how I would do with a girl. Our third is due late March. We won't know the gender until birth, like that last two.

    Edit: isn't it annoying how everyone seems to have some method or idea about determining the gender of a child? Belly shape, Chinese calendar, heartburn, morning sickness, etc. And they never agree with each other.
    Last edited by Steven; 01-12-2018 at 02:35 PM.

  26. #26
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    The aggregate method is best. Chinese Belly Burn Sickness is a clear indicator of a female child.

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Steven View Post
    Edit: isn't it annoying how everyone seems to have some method or idea about determining the gender of a child? Belly shape, Chinese calendar, heartburn, morning sickness, etc. And they never agree with each other.
    Scientific illiteracy. Thatís what youíre complaining about. I agree, itís annoying.

  28. #28

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    Well, Phantom-Seraph, in this case I've got the perfect response from you to him:

    "Yeah... but there are worse things that could be given birth to. For instance... you."


    . V .

  29. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jon`C View Post
    Scientific illiteracy. Thatís what youíre complaining about. I agree, itís annoying.
    I don't care so much about it in general, but specifically that it comes in extra large and increasingly frequent doses during pregnancy.

    Also, some people feel like its OK to just start touching or rubbing my wife's belly just cos it's got a baby in it. She's not a Chinese takeout restaurant Buddha, don't rub her tummy.

  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Steven View Post
    Mentat: sounds like your whole family (yourself included) lack the maturity to just keep your mouths shut. I doubt you will change their minds, nor they yours; why does it keep coming up, or once it is brought up, why keep arguing about it? Just to be right and smarter than everyone else? It's like a whole family of JonC: always gotta be opinionated and gotta be right, even when I'm wrong. Like you said, if it's family, it's not worth the effort to argue. All it does is make everyone mad and sow discord among your relatives. When there is no definitive answer, is it worth the familial fallout? [Edit: I guess that depends on how much you like your family ]
    I'm not interested in changing a person's mind, because I don't think I'm cable of doing so, in most cases. However, in a family like mine, where everything is related to politics or religion, it's nearly impossible to carry on a conversation, regardless of how innocent the intent, without arguing. I don't agree that defending one's position is a sign of immaturity, & I'm not prepared to remain silent while in the company of my family, merely because the outcome is likely predictably grim. There's always a chance that things can change, & though I don't expect it to, I'm quite patient & tolerant.

    Also, if you didn't know, pregnant women are crazy and their emotions go nuts. The thought of an abortion to a pregnant women can be very difficult.
    My wife wasn't abnormally emotional when she was pregnant. She actually volunteered to escort women seeking abortions in to clinics, both before & during her pregnancy. Unfortunately, the women in my family use their pregnancies as an excuse to demonstrate the intolerance that already existed.
    ? :)

  31. #31
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    It seems you and your wife are infallible and without flaw; my humblest apologies.

  32. #32
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    ? :)

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