***Post quotes you love from shows, movies, etc.***

(This is partially inspired by Jedi-Salvation's post of a wmv similar to Family Guy's Comedy.)

Below I've posted some classic "Stewie Moments"



........................

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

...............

Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?
..................

Stewie: By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

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Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.

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Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

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Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane....
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!
\.....................

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

.......................

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!
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Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle i find, i shall KILL you.

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Laura:D

See signature \/ \/

Peter: You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

----------

(This one is probably not exact.)
Sam: My grandpa died in this lake. He saw his reflection in the water, thought it was him, and drowned trying to save himself.

LMAO!!

Laura:D

Oh, I just noticed we can do other shows.

So... Futurama. All Zap Brannigan.

"I am the man with no name: Zap Brannigan."

"If we can hit that bull's eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."

:p

liked both those quotes too good stuff. keep um comin' people

Laura

Donnie Darko Quotes

Donnie: First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?

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Gretchen: You're weird.
Donnie: Sorry.
Gretchen: No, that was a compliment.

.....................


Gretchen: Donnie Darko? What the hell kind of name is that? It's like some sort of superhero or something
Donnie: What makes you think I'm not?

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Gretchen: My mom had to get a restraining order against my step dad. He has emotional problems.
Donnie: Oh, I have those too! What kind does your step dad have?
Gretchen: He stabbed my mom four times in the chest.
Donnie: Oh.

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Dr. Lilian Thurman: If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories

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Donnie: I promise one day everything will be better for you

Marco: I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?
Sparks: Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
Captain Murphy: Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.
Debbie DuPree: [laughs] No we won't.
Captain Murphy: Maybe YOU won't!

I'm sorry, but Sealab is so much better than any of these.

"There is no I in team, but there is an I in pie!"
-Shaun of the Dead

Peter: "Shhessh...I'm not drunk. I've just been up drinking all night."

G.I. Jane

Master Chief John Urgayle: Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you're not dead yet!


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http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0182576/quotes

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah.

Stewie Griffin: Urgh, what the hell do you think you are doing?
Brian Griffin: I'm cleaning myself
Stewie Griffin: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation

Peter Griffin: You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.

Peter Griffin: You all know how observant I am.
TV Announcer: And now back to Star Trek.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. Uhura's black?

Family Guy has so many.

Old School

Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she?
Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this?
Peppers: It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these ****ers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right?
[yank's on the mule's reigns]
Peppers: What? That's what I thought. Shut up.
[Frank cocks the gun]
Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.
Frank: Cool.
Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...
[Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]
Peppers: YES!!! That's awesome!
Frank: What?
Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man!

Tofu wins.

Marco: Amazing air, I HAVE THE ENERGY OF A BEAR THAT HAS THE ENERGY OF TWO BEARS
Quin: How are you hanging up there?
Marco: I dig my toes into the ceiling
Quin: That's NASA grade titanium...

Captain Murphy: It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

Hesh: Hesh wants some sex!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Hesh! Get off! My tape's playing!
Hesh: Shut up. Debbie get down here... give Hesh some sex.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Hesh this isnt funny.
Hesh: You'll be real funny when I crack you with a pipe.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Okay, I'm coming down there.
Hesh: Shut up.
Debbie: Well now... Hesh
Hesh: Shut up!
Debbie: Um, okay... why do you think you would make a good father?
Hesh: Uhm... gimme a second... uh... sex.

Quinn: Damnit Stormy, I asked what time it was!
*after hitting Quinn with a dodgeball, knocking him out*
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: I said it's dodgeball time, *****.

[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game.]
Renee: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

Brodie: Cookie stand's not part of the food court.
T.S.: Sure it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs the cookie stand is upstairs it's not like we're talking quantum physics here!
T.S.: The cookie stand is an eatery, an eatery is part of the food court.
Brodie: Bull****! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.

Shannon Hamilton: You wanna say something?
Brodie Bruce: Yeah! About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand it all.

Gwen Turner: He tried to ****w me somewhere very uncomfortable once.
T.S. Quint: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Tricia Jones: When are men going to learn that women want romance, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Brodie Bruce: Be fair, alright, everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.

Chewlies Gum Rep: Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs.

Dante: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

So many more, but inappropriate.

<3 Kevin Smith

Ric wins.

I just got the Space Ghost Coast to Coast Volume 1 DVD today, so you get Space Ghost quotes.

Moltar: (sighes) Those are part of the dinner.
Space Ghost: No they're not. They're part of the plot.
Moltar: They were on the menu.
Space Ghost: Murder is on the menu. Look, bean prints on the wrench. But what is the wrench for?
Moltar: That's where you were trying to fix the, uh, gas leak, and you made it leak.
Space Ghost: Is that where I got all these ideas? 'Cause they're brilliant! Hey! Break all the pipes in the sub for more good ideas!
(Space Ghost breaks three more pipes with his wrench; gas fumes fill the "sub")
Space Ghost: Dive! Dive! Suck on the pipes!
Busta Rhymes: Space Ghost is definitely with it.

----------------

Zorak: Hey, look at this! *Secretes a yellow cloud* That's gonna carry all the way to the village. *Evil laugh*
Moltar: There ain't no village.
Zorak: Choke on it, village!
Space Ghost: Moltar, Zorak's secretion will certainly wipe out the village's sandwich shop.
Moltar: There ain't no village.
Zorak: *Evil laugh, secretes another cloud*
Space Ghost: The village! *flies off*
Moltar: There ain't no village!
Willie Nelson: Hey, Molt.
Moltar: Hey, Willie, I'm going outside for a smoke. *Walks away*
Space Ghost: *Flies back to his desk, carrying a six foot sub sandwich* I was too late. This is all that was left. Their six foot party sub. Their king, Randy, made it for me, while I waited. *Takes several bites out of the end of the sandwich* No one will ever know their way of life.

--------------

Moltar: Space Ghost is like Mr. Angry today!
Space Ghost: No! Zorak's Mr. Angry!
Brak: Hey! I wanna be somebody.
Zorak: Oh ho! Zorak is Mr. Relaxed.
Space Ghost: Are you relaxed enough to fight?
Zorak: You know, I think I am. (Dramatic music in background)
Brak: I'm Mr. Clean!
Space Ghost: Perhaps you should consider going somewhere!
Zorak: Where would I go?
Space Ghost: Somewhere I'm not!
Brak: I'm Mr. Mustard!
Space Ghost: (walks to the bandstand) Like here!
Zorak: Eh! And here you are.
Space Ghost: Now then, where would you like to go?
Zorak: I think, I'd like, to come over there! (Walks over to SG's desk)
Brak: I'm Mr. Pat Sajak!
Space Ghost: Wait, I thought I was coming over there.
Zorak: Oh brother.
Space Ghost: I meant to anyway. Now come on! (Confronts Zorak, sitting in his desk)
Zorak: Alright, alright, just relax.
Space Ghost: I am relaxed!
Zorak: Relaxed enough to fight?
(Zorak punches Space Ghost)
Space Ghost: Ah! Son of a-
(Space Ghost and Zorak fight lamely, accompanied by "fight" music. Zorak finally lands one punch, and Space Ghost counters by punching Zorak's head off. His head bounces and comes to rest at the bandstand.)
Zorak: It didn't hurt.
Brak: Can I get my bath now?
Space Ghost: Yeah, come here, I'll give you a bath.
Brak: Yeah boy! (Walks over to Space Ghost, laughing)
(More dramatic music; Space Ghost picks up Brak)
Brak: Don't put me down!
(Space Ghost throws him across the set; he lands next to Zorak's head)
Brak: Ouch!
Space Ghost: Moltar, would you like a bath? (flies from his desk)
Moltar: Um... I already took one actually.
Space Ghost: (in the control room) TAKE ANOTHER ONE!
(Space Ghost punches Moltar; he flies off camera, amid the sound of falling down stairs and glass breaking)
Space Ghost: (to Dennis, in Moltar's monitor) What about you? Do you need a bath?
Dennis Miller: No I don't, Ghost.
Space Ghost: (invisos back to desk) Undress me with your eyes, Dennis.

Time Bandits:
Randall: Look, do you want to be leader of this gang?
Strutter: No, we agreed: No leader!
Randall: Right. So shut up and do as I say.

Kevin: It's some kind of invisible barrier.
Fidgit: Oh, so that's what an invisible barrier looks like.


The Simpsons:
Homer: Marge, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Homer: Hey Apu, Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

[Lisa has had a nightmare]
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under...
Homer: AHHHHHHHH! BOOGEYMAN! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
[Homer bursts into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
Bart: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?


[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.

[Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]
Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

[the Simpsons are in an office with two FBI men letting them know about going to the federal witness protection program]
FBI man 1: All right, Homer, now your name is Mr. Thompson, so when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [pause]
FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Mr. Thompson.
Homer: Gotcha!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI man 1: [frustrated] ARGH... Now when I step on your foot and say your name, you smile and nod.
Homer: I got it.
[stepping on Homer's foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he talking to you.

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...
[bites]
Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious.

Homer: Oh, Lisa. You and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that building thingy... where our beds and TV is.

Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: *bad*bye.


Billy Madison:
Kid: Mortal Kombat for the SEGA Genesis is the best game ever.
Billy: I disagree, although Mortal Kombat is a good game. My favorite game is Donkey Kong.
Kid: Donkey Kong sucks.
Billy: You know something? YOU SUCK.

Simpsons:[/b]

"For once in my life someone will call me 'Sir,' without ending it with 'you're making a scene'." - Homer

"Boy, that was a close one. Wanna go bowling?"
"Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain."
"Maybe you should mind your own damn business." - Lenny and Karl

"Now remember, if anything goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English." - Homer

Discworld Noir:[/b]

"Sometimes I thought I'd just give up and crawl inside a whiskey bottle. Except you can only do that if you are less than one inch high." - Lewton

"The river Ankh. Probably the only river in the universe on which you could chalk the outline of a corpse." - Lewton

"What are the chances I'd get hit by lightning at the exact same moment that I renounced all Gods?"
"About one to one, I'd say." - Mooncalf and Death

"Once I got a birdie on the 18th. But it was its own fault for flying so low." - Death

"400 years I've been waiting for you to come along and let me out, and the first thing you do is cut my arm off."
"I'm sorry."
"It'll take ages to sew it back on."
"It was a reflexive action."
"So when you meet people you reflexively cut their arm off?"
"If they come bursting out of a coffin, yes!" - Guardian Zombie and Lewton

Trigun:[/b]

"What are you doing?"
"Don't ask stupid questions." - Vash and Wolfwood

"I am Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gumbigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovicci Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser. Don't hesitate to call."
"What are you talking about, Mr. Vash the Stampede?"
"I hate it when you call me by my full name!" - Vash and Milly

"'Thou shalt not kill'! What the hell kind of a churchman are you?!" - Vash

8 bit theatre:[/b]

"I was born ready."
"*I* was born naked and screaming."
"And if all goes according to plan, you'll DIE like that too." - Red Mage, Fighter, and Black Mage

"Why is my son lying in the front yard with what appear to be two dozen furniture induced stab wounds?" - Lich King

Mac Hall:[/b]

"Ok then, I guess we're going Mano A Monkey."
"Have you ever seen the movie 'Outbreak'? I'm just asking." - Ian and Matt

PvP[/b]

"You need to stick with something your own speed. You know... WAKKA-WAKKA-WAKKA-FRUIT." - Brent

"I finally saw her wedding ring and then it hit me."
"Your conscience?"
"Her husband." - Brent and Cole

"I told her, 'But honey, I found the Sword of Elven Might!'"
"And?"
"She told me to find 'The Couch Of The Living Room'."
"Ouch." - Cole and Brent

"I need help organising the company Halloween Party. What can mark you down for?"
"Making fun of the people involved under my breath." - Jade and Brent

"Francis, your mom has been a family friend for years. I promised her that I would always be here for you if you ever needed it. You're like a son to me. Don't be embarrassed. You can ask me anything."
"Will you teach me how to drive?"
"Ask Brent." - Cole and Francis

"Cole, we have a problem. Skull has run away!"
"What? Why?"
"He left a note. 'No matter how hard I try, I get made fun of. I'm going to go where a troll is truly appreciated'."
"Who's making fun of him?"
"Hey guys, here's a riddle: What's as big as a house, about as smart, and hasn't made me any coffee yet?

What?" - Jade, Cole and Brent

"How about you? Any New Year's resolutions?"
"No. I'm thin." - Cole and Brent

I think that's (more than) enough :p Yes, I do have a text file full of these

Fallout:

"When I was five, my uncle was decapitated by a watermelon." - Dave

"What do I WANT? I don't really know. Most of the time I ignore my quest and walk into the homes of others, rifling through people's shelves..." - The Chosen One

"It's 106 miles to Arroyo, we got a full fusion cell, half a pack of Radaway, it's midnight, and I'm wearing a 50-year old Vault 13 jumpsuit. Let's hit it." - The Chosen One

"But people like drinking, gambling, and whoring, I know I do." - The Chosen One

"Have a good day. And I am sorry about the bastards part, OK?"
"It's going to cause me some severe mental trauma." - Kalnor and the Vault Dweller

"I am the bringer of death. Fall to your knees and beg for mercy... Or give me a sandwich, I'm pretty hungry." - The Vault Dweller

"It was terrible. It had these big, pointy teeth." - The Vault Dweller

The Neverending Story:

"Alright, are we going to go kick some evil arse or what? I swear, working with men is so FRUITLESS sometimes!"
"Hey! We're not fruity!" - Maybechild and Geb

"But aren't we flying on Northwest, instead of Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines?"
"Well, maybe it's a branch-of of the original Northwest company." - Losien and Mike the Writers

"From all directions comes the sound of incoming pies and invisible anvils. Hasty defenses are erected: invisible walls, clown tents, anything and everything at hand. A lone clown kamikaze can be spotted, running towards a stronghold maintained by a squadron of mimes. An explosion of custard rocks the surroundings, obscuring the view of the stronghold, still standing, but barely." - The Narrator on Jim7 and Kyle7's beginning.

"You can't just go around hugging people all day, Geb. It slows us down." - Highemperor

"Oh, hallo. You'll never believe what I just found!"
...
"An anti-Euclidean geometrical pattern detailing the intricacies of the universe?"
"Well, yes, but that's not what I was talking about." - Doctor Dormouse and Highemperor

"Let's do this diplomatically. Cthulhu, you wouldn't hurt a nice little girl like me, would you?"
Cthulhu punches Maeve in the chin.
"KILL HIM AND BURN HIS CORPSE! I WANT SEND HIS BURNT FLESH TO HIS PARENTS, AND NUKE THEM TOO! THERE WILL BE NO MERCY!"
"Intense... Never piss off a girl..." - Maeve, Cthulhu and Wai

Red Dwarf:

"Why can't we ever meet anyone nice?"
"Why don't we ever meet anyone who can shoot straight?" - Lister and The Cat

"So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?!" - Rimmer

"Abandon ship! Black Hole approaching. Abandon ship... Oh, god, now the siren's broken. Awooga, awooga. Abandon ship..." - Holly

"Arnold Judas Rimmer. Your life is over. Come with me. We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the -"
"Not today, matey!"
He kicks Death in the groin.
"Remember: only the good die young." - Death and Rimmer

Stargate SG-1:

O'Neill: "Have you ever seen a dog? Dogs are my favorite people. Some have tails, some don't. I like purple dogs."

Teal'c: "Do not test my temper woman!"
Jackson: "Woman? Did he just call me a woman?"
O'Neill: "Yes, I think he did."

Khordib: "He [Teal'c] is Jaffa."
O'Neill: "No, but he plays one on TV."

O'Neill: "Hammond is insisting SG-1 needs a socio-political nerd to offset our overwhelming coolness."


RDA gets all the funny lines.

Strange Days:

Strickland: You're a disappointment, Nero. But you know what disappoints me more?
Lenny Nero: Your sex life?

Lenny Nero: This is what we laughingly refer to as a plan, right?

Philo Gant: Paranoia is just reality on a finer scale.

Lenny Nero: Two million years of human evolution and that's the best idea you can come up with.

Simpsons
Ralph: Me fail English? That's un-possible!

Ralph: Mrs. Krabaple and Principle Skinner were in the closet making babies, and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Ralph: I'm gonna eat chocolate till I barf.

I love ralph. :p

Family Guy again:

Brian: "I'm not drunk, I just have a speech impediment."
*vomits*
"...and a stomach virus."
*falls off bar stool*
"...and an inner ear infection."

Stargate SG-1:
Jack: How far is it to <this planet>?
Teal'c: Several billion miles.
Jack: That's gotta be a record.

Gen. Hammond: COLONEL JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Jack: IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKSWING?

Ahh such a great episode that was
Window of Opportunity

"Man, you guys are like MCI. You can hear a ****ing pin drop."

Stargate SG1

"Is this the face of a crazy man?"-jack
Pause as hammond looks at Teal'c.
"Ok bad example."-Jack

Hammond: "what threat do they pose?"
Jack: "apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger"

I love you for this quote.

Some of my favorite quotes That 70's Show, Episode 4.17:

Scenario: Kelso has been donating his love nectar to a clinic in Kenosha.

Scene 1:
Nurse: Do you need a magazine?
Kelso: Nah. Ferra was on Carson last night, so I should be good to go.

Scene 2:
Kelso: Easiest money I ever made. They paid me fifty bucks for my underpants navy.
Hyde: You mean your cordoroy commandos?
Fez: Yeah, your team from the inseam.
Eric: Your battlepants gallactica.

Scene 3:
Kelso (to Jackie): I'm too tired from working all day to do anything.
Hyde: Big day at the office?
Kelso: Yeah. Worked a double shift.
Fez: Ah, to be a working stiff.

Scene 4:
Kelso buys a necklace with the money he's earned and gives it to Jackie.
Jackie: Wait... you got a job?
Kelso: Yeah. I mean... if it wasn't for you, I would've never realized how good it felt to roll up my sleeves, get a little sweaty, and earn some cash.

After the group thinks about the end result of Kelso's "donations."
Hyde: Think about it, a world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair. There'd be feathered hair as far as the eye could see. We'll have to put padding on every sharp corner.
Kelso: Hey, those sharp corners can be dangerous, man. I mean, come on, it's 1978; things should be round by now.

Yet another from Family Guy.

Peter: I've got a job for you... right here. *points to pants*
See, this zipper's been busted for over a month.

Clerks:

Dante: 37?!

Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!

Dante Hicks: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.

Dante Hicks: I'm not supposed to be here today!

Coroner: My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?
Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal Graves: You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks: Which ones?
Randal Graves: All of them.

Randal Graves: People say crazy **** during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."

Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the ****ing customers.

Dante Hicks: But you hate people.
Randal Graves: Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Dante Hicks: Somebody put gum in the locks.
Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town.
Dante Hicks: That's what I said

Randal Graves: Some guy came into the store refusing to pay late fees. Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership.
Dante Hicks: Shocking abuse of authority.
Randal Graves: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.

Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.
Randal Graves: Oh my God.
Dante Hicks: Great story, huh?
Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you.
Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - you know who wound up with Brad in that dark bedroom?
Randal Graves: Your mother?
Dante Hicks: Alan Harris.
Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris?
Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho shortly after graduation. They raise sheep.
Randal Graves: That's frightening.
Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world.
Randal Graves: In light of this, I don't see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles

Randal Graves: Fine then, just let me borrow your car.
Dante Hicks: What for?
Randal Graves: I want to go rent a movie. What was that?
Dante Hicks: You work at a video store!
Randal Graves: I work at a ****ty video store! I want to go to a good video store and get a good movie!

So many good lines, so little space...

My one favorite Futurama Quote:

"You can't give up hope just becuase its hopeless; You've gotta hope even more and cover your ears and go, "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . ." - Phillip J. Fry, Futurama, Episode 03e20, Godfellas

Donnie Dako

Dr. Thurman: How did you feel being denied these... Hungry...Hungry Hippos?

While we're on Donnie Darko:

Kitty Farmer: I'll tell you what he said. He asked me to forcibly insert the Life Line exercise card into my anus.

Jim Cunningham: Son... DO YOU SEE THIS? This is an Anger Prisoner. A textbook example. DO YOU SEE THE FEAR, PEOPLE? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places...

Donnie: You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm, I'm pretty troubled and I'm, I'm pretty confused. But I. . .and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I... I... I think you're the ****ing Antichrist.

[At the school assembly speaking out against Jim Cunningham]
Donnie: Do you want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. You know it takes a little, little while to find that out, right, Jim? And you... yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well, you know what? Maybe... you should lift some weights, or uh, take a karate lesson and the next time he's tries to do it, you kick him in the balls.

Ric, sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!

"STFU" - Me

. . .



Old Sealab 2021 episodes are better than the new ones.

I'm an [adult swim] nerd...