An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, you git!"


Due to increasing products liability litigation, American
beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that
the following warning labels be placed immediately on
all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave
you wondering what the heck happened to your clothes.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to tell your friends over and over again that you love
them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting
in you getting your butt kicked.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe you are invisible.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to think people are laughing WITH you.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you
to telephone them at four in the morning.

That second one is alot like this flash.

http://javownsyou.com/alcoholwarnings.html

I like how the spit bounces off them both in the beginning. It was like drunken ping-pong or something. That guy was pure class.

I read that post about NASA blowing up comets. Made me think of this:


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside
down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and
at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used "pencils".


If this is true, NASA was probably planning to blow up comets while Neil was still filling his nappies.

Q. How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.


Q. A chef uses 2 chickens to make 3 pies. How many pies can 6 chickens make?
A. None. Chickens cant cook.

Supposedly this is the funniest joke in the UK.

Two weasels are sitting at a bar. The first weasel shouts: "I slept with your mother!" The whole bar goes quiet as the patrons wait to hear how the second will respond. The first shouts again, but louder this time, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The second sips his drink and calmly says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

How is the SushiBar for lawyers called ?
So-Su-Mi...

don't know other jokes in english language....

Ok, so these two Irishmen walk out of a pub...

haha! I actually found that pretty funny! u dont think that's funny? meh to each their own

Laura

What happened to Johnny's dinner?

He ate it!

Ahahahahah!

AHahahah!

I love it.

Boricua, I agree totally with you; I think this is one of the greatest jokes ever. Word play, innuendo, and the like - it's all here. It's just that I didn't want to use a universal statement. People seem to get on me for using them a lot.

Hitler came up with his own version of the joke.
Hitler: My dog has no nose!
Nazis: How does he smell?
Hitler: Awful!

ok i still know some jokes in english language but i don't think that the admins will allow me to post those jokes
Lets say they are a bit explicit

Some guy owned a chicken farm. Every once in awhile, he has to replace the male chicken because he gets too old and doesn't perform as much. So the farmer buys a younger chicken.

The young chicken walks up to the old chicken and says:

"hey, you're obsolete. It's my turn now, so get out"

"hey, I'm still in great shape, and I'll prove it to you. I'll race you around the farm. But since I'm older, you'll have to give me a 5 second advance."

"ok"

So the two chickens start racing, and just as the young chicken is about to catch up with the old one, the farmer takes out his shotgun, shoots the young chicken and says: "Damnit! that's the third gay chicken I buy this week!"

That's awesome, Flex.

What's the difference between a pile of oats and a pile of dea-.........actually nevermind.

What's large, white and falls out of a tree?

A fridge.

haha that was a good one flex

Laura

Good onya, Flex.
Speaking of falling refrigerators...


Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the git hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the smeghead. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

lmao!!

ok that last one so far was the best haha

Laura

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,"What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?'"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

haha, I'm getting a kick outta these jokes where the people are drunk and it's unknown they are related haha that's good stuff.

Laura

loving that Dave joke. only one to make me actually laugh out loud.

Brits only here likely....

Have you heard Jeremy Beadle has a small penis?

On the other hand it's quite big.

that's...naughty.

you know, I never even noticed it until I saw him on countdown a couple of years ago.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, can you smell carrots?

-------------------------------------------------------

There were three young nuns who had been behaving very well. One day, the mother superior said to them out of the blue "Sisters, you have all behaved perfectly lately and just for that I want you to go out and do something bad for a change"

Off they went. An hour later, they reported back to the mother superior.

The first nun came back and said 'I robbed a bank'

The mother superior replied, 'That's alright dear, just take a sip from the holy water and you will be cleansed of your sin'.

The second nun came back and said 'I stole a car'

The mother superior repeated 'That's alright dear, just take a sip from the holy water now and you will cleansed of your sin'.

The third nun came back and said, 'I pissed in the holy water.'


-------------------------------------------------------

Why did the Chicken Cross The Road?

SAEED AL SAHAF (Iraqi Head of Information)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR
I envisage a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook- and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

-------------------------------------------------------

This one one my friend mailed to me. Awsome, IMO.

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! here was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. he would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

classic lol



lmao that one was great haha. ok that's officially the best so far, or is at least tied with the drunk son and father joke

Laura

Why are fruit growers popular at nightclubs?

Because they produce the jams!

LALALALALA

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because here's one filter left, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Two sheep go on a picnic one day. They have about twenty sandwiches, but somehow they misplaced the potato salad. The first one turns to his pal, and says,
"Somebody has to go back and get the potato salad."
"I'm not doing it," says the second. "You'll eat all the sandwiches while I'm gone."
"I won't. I promise."
"Yes you will. I know you too well."
This goes on for several minutes until finally, the second one snaps and says "If you've so much as touched those sandwiches while I'm away, you're roast mutton!"
So he leaves. And his friend waits.
Minutes turn to hours.
Hours become days.
Days become weeks.
Finally, one month has passed and still, the second sheep has not reutrned. The first is almost dead from starvation. Figuring that his friend is not going to come back, he takes a bite from one of the sandwiches.
Suddenly the second sheep pops out from behind a nearby rock. "I knew it! You go get the bloody potato salad!"

....Damn...missed it by three minutes...

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

how do you fit 10 babies in a jar?

a blender

how do you get them out again?

doritos

hahaha! On the topic of dead baby jokes:

What's the difference between a truckful of dead babies and a truckful of (tires)? You need a pitchfork for one.

The (tires) is there because I couldn't really remember exactly what went there, but tires still makes some sense. :/

I love bad taste.

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went to the holy land for a vacation.

While they were there the mother-in-law dies. The undertaker says, "You can have her shipped back home for $5000, or you can have her buried here for only $150."

The man thinks for a moment, then says he'd rather have her shipped back home.

The undertaker is astonished and says, "Why? Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped back home when it would be so nice to have her buried here for only $150?"

The man replies, "Two thousand years ago, a man died here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I don't want to take that chance."

=====

[Three guys die and go to heaven.]
St Peter: "Okay there's only one rule up here -- don't step on the ducks."
[the three guys all hang out for the first day. Then the next day, the first man came back married to a very ugly woman]
second man: "Oh my gosh! What happened?"
first man: "I stepped on a duck."
[they all hang out for the second day. Then the next day, the second man also came back married to a very ugly woman]
third man: "Hey, what happened to you?"
second man: "I stepped on a duck."
[the next day, the third man comes back married to a beautiful woman...]
first man. "You lucky dog!"
second man: "Hey, how come you get that hot girl and we're stuck with these two hags?"
woman: "I dunno about you but I stepped on a duck."

I don't get it.

He hated his mother-in-law.

Zell, I think it was bowling balls.