Heh. This has become a Steam Tech Support Thread.
I go over this with them every two or three weeks since they don't seem to ever read the tech support history. Allow me (mostly for amusement) to present my (slightly exaggerated) account of the conversation. (And for the record, I honestly really respect whoever does the tech support job because I'm sure they have to deal with A LOT of crap day after day after day...)
Me: Steam pops up with an error that it is unable to connect and closes after trying to update [me attaches screenshot of error]
Tech: Is Steam Online? Can you connect to the internet?
Me: Yes Steam is/was online. Let me check about the internet as I send this EMAIL to you. [Gasp] It can connect to the internet. And just in case you were wondering, I'm not blonde, the computer is turned on, and I do have electrical power to the house.
Tech: Do you have a firewall installed? Is your router properly configured? <lengthy response copied and pasted directly from website about firewall issues that I already read>
Me: I do not have a personal firewall, because this particular computer is rarely connected to the internet. (I think the first time I actually connected it was to register Steam.) There is no router under my control involved with my connection to the internet because I am using dial-up.
TechSupp: I need more specific info on your computer. Please run x diagnostic and y test and send me the results.
Me: Fine. [runs test and attaches results]
Tech: [technobabble] How do you conect to the internet?
Me: [blink] Magic fairies.... Dialup like I said before.
Tech: This looks like an issue with a firewall. Yes definitely a firewall, router, or some piece of AV software blocking one of the ports Steam needs to use.
Me: What part of, "I don't have a firewall running" do you not understand?