A fine kooky lady of Guildford has just told me a tale, of great LOLage.


"An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."




Go on lads, tell us a joke.

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

The first thing I noticed was that the big bold letters are an anagram of a s s h a t t.

Shouldn't that be A S S H H A T?

"I'm watching a documentary on Scandinavia, they said:

"Here in Norway, they have over 100 words, for reindeer."

... Ok?

Lets figure this out, what could there be, really?

What? Male, I guess, 'Maindeer', 'Fe-maindeer', they could chip in and have a little 'Babaindeer' I 'spose?

Where do they take it from there? What? Ooohh...

Dead one? Slaindeer. Thats a shame!

Broken leg? Lanedeer!

Havin' a leak? Draindeer!

Foreigner? Not-from-heredeer!

So thats what? 7? Now these people, they sat around and cranked out another 93 of these... things...

Tell me Norway isn't the more boring country in the world?! Can you imagine being there?!

"Hey Inigibar! Where ya goin'?"

"Weeeel, I'm gonna take a cross country SkuuheeeEEE, and then I'm gonna go home and think of some more words, for reindeer."

Aren't you like me? Wouldn't you like to walk up to everyone in Norway, and give 'em a bit of a slap? Eh? *DISHH*

"Listen, you know what we call these things in Canada? MOOSE! Yeah! You know what we say when there is more then one? We say 'Look at the MOOSE!" YEAH SAME WORD! NO CONFUSION!

I mean ya know, extrapolate a bit, I mean I bet these same people they probably don't have enough words for regular stuff overthere. Oh sure! somethings gotta be missin'!

You could be in the house:

"Hey Spendelhangen!"

"MMMM?"

"So you makin' breakfast?"

"Yeah, I just gotta plug in the... Shinning... Red wired... bread crisper thing..."

"Ooh, you don't mean the toaster do ya?!"

"Oh, we don't have a word for that here in Nooorrrwaaaay..."

"NAH YOU WOULDN'T WOULD YA?! YOU BLOW YOUR WAD ON REINDEER AH?!""

[QUOTE=- Tony -]Shouldn't that be A S S H H A T?[/QUOTE]

Yes. It would be! You passed!! You win a slap in the mouth and a kick in the nuts for being a smartass!

Kidding!

Sol, that was the funniest thing Ive read all week, thanks.

it was? i was waiting for the funny part but couldn't find it :/

I remeber that!

Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Someone threw a refridgerator at him.


...

I laughed at that one.

A man and a woman are getting busy in the bedroom when suddenly the front door opens.
"Oh no!" cried the woman "It';s my husband!"
So the man dashes into the closet and shuts it behind him. Suddenly he hears a a little boys voice
"It's dark in here" says the little boy, and the man knows he could be in big trouble
"Look kid" he says "I'll give you $50 if you never mention this again"
The child agrees and the deal is done.

Over the course of the next few days, the husband notices his son is acting strange. "OK kid, what are you hiding?" he asks
"nothing dad"
"Fine, you won't tell me? you go to confession!"
So he takes the boy into church.

The boy steps into the confessional and closes the curtain behind him. "Boy, it's dark in here" he exclaimed.
"Now don't start that again" says the priest.

So a man walks into a bar...
Which is pretty stupid when you think about it, because why would you walk into a bar?
Cha-Ching!

Deadman wins.

Ruth's was quite good too

A man is stranded on a deserted island for months, he's starving, he's dying of thirst, and he is going crazy out of sheer loneliness.
To his joy a woman washes up on shore in a wet suit, looking perfectly healthy.
"Hi" she says "you look hungry, want a sandwhich?"
"I'd love one" exclaims the man, astonished.
So the woman unzips a section of her suit and pulls out some sandwhiches.
"And how about a beer?" she says, unzipping another section and pulling out some bottles
"Wow, your incredible!" says the man, taking the beer gratefully.
After a while the woman looks at him with a smirk "Would you like to play around?" she asks, unzipping her suit.
"Oh my god!" yells the man "You mean you've got golf clubs in there!?"

Deadman wins, thread over

Deadman is the life of this thread

All of Deadmon's jokes suck.

A kid was sitting in a bus on a long bus ride, bored as hell. So he turns to the guy next to him and says "Hey mister, wanna play a game?"
"Sure" says the bloke "What's the game?"
"We take it in turns asking riddles" he says "and for every one the other answers correctly, they get a dollar"
"Ok, sounds fun" says the bloke
"But I reckon, since your much older than me, I should only have to give you fifty cents" says the kid
"Yeah, sounds fair"
"OK, what has 6 legs on land, 8 legs in water, weighs next to nothing and has no nose?" asks the kid
"Wow that's a toughie" says the guy, and thinks for a while. Finally he says "Well I got no idea, heres your dollar."
The kid takes the dollar and grins. A few moments of silence passes, then the guy says "Well... what's the answer?"
"No idea" says the kid, and hands over fifty cents

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each."

He pauses and looks at the 3 of them, then asks "However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the whole time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll f**k her again!"

It's a dark, cold night. A bloke is driving down the highway, miles from anywhere.
Suddenly he sees a sign "Sisters of Justice church ahead, 5 miles" and in smaller letters "get screwed by the Sisters of Justice"
The guy blinks astonished a few times, and decides it must have been graffiti, but then he sees the church itself and the sign out the front clearly says "Get screwed by the Sisters of Justice here"
'Why not?' he says to himself with a laugh, stops the car, and walks in.
The first room is totally empty, theres a locked door in front of him and a container nearby. On the door is a sign 'before this door unlocks, you must put a donation of at least $100 into the bowl.
Intrigued, the bloke puts $100 into the bowl, when he does the door unlocks and he walks through.
The next room is bare except for a cupboard and another locked door. This one has a sign saying "please remove your clothes and place them in the cupboard provided"
The man eagerly undresses, puts his clothes in the cupboard and enters the next room.
This one is a long hall, at the end of it is a door with a sign saying nothing. But there is nothing else around so the bloke just walks down the hall and goes through the door.
He's outside, he hears the door lock behind him. He turns around panicking and see's a sign on it
"You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Justice, thank you"

Hahaha! That's a brilliant one Snake, I must remember it.

So this American moved to a remote place in the Shetland Islands. He was moving the last of his posessions into his new house when an older man walks up to his front door.

"I live up the road and I heard ye just moved in." He Says. "Seein' how you're new around here, I'd like to invite ye over to my house for a welcomin' party."
"Sure, that sounds great," says the American.
"But I'll have to warn ye. There'll be some wild Shetland dancin' at this party."
"That's all right. I'm not the best dancer, but I think I can handle myself."
"There will also be some wild Shetland drinkin'."
"Well, I used to throw back a few during my college days, and I'll wager I can still manage."
"Lastly, I should warn ye that there'll also be some wild Shetland sex."
"Wellll.... I'm not so sure what I think of that, but I'm willing to try my luck."
"Good. Ye can come at 4 PM tomorrow."
"Okay, I'll see you then. Should I dress up, or bring something along?"
"No, just come as ye are, t'll only be the two of us."

Why are elephants big grey and wrinkly?
Because if they were small white and round they'd be aspirin.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

What goes "-aaaaah"?
A sheep with no lips.

Why can't Fred drive a tractor?
Because Fred's an orange.

All my other jokes would likely get me banninated.

Let's see how this one flies.

A guy is going on to vacation to Italy by plane. When he finds his seat and gets his bags stored he sees he's sharing a row with the Pope. "Wow!" He thinks, "this is great!". Of course, he's unsure of what to do so he takes his seat and takes out a book. As the plane takes off the Pope takes out the airline magazine and starts doing the crossword. About 10 minutes in, the Pope turns and asks the guy, "Excuse me, can you think of a four letter word for a woman that ends in 'unt'?". The guy, of course, is shocked. What does he say? He can't tell the Pope that, so he says "Sorry father, I don't know."

About 5 minutes later, the guy turns to the Pope and says "Father! Father! I've got it! The word you're looking for is 'aunt'!". The Pope says "Oh of course! Why didn't I think of that?". Then after staring at the magazine for a couple of seconds he turns and asks "Um, do you have an eraser?"

THIS IS DISGUSTING HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR THE RELIGION OF OTHERS, OUT OF MY SIGHT YOU HEATHEN MONSTER.

Sparrowhawk's joke wins.

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

Sounds better verbally, but everyone knows it anyway...

What's long, hard, and full of seamen?

a submarine

There was going to be a procrastinator's convention...





...It kept being put off till tommorrow

Oh no, KOP_Snake! Didn't you know that Massassi is the internet's only G spot since... Recently?

(not the banstick)

There are two kinds of people in this world.

Thos who finish what they're doing, and those

I'm pretty sure another word for "sailors" is G-rated...

Seamen only come X-rated. Or not at all.

Hehehe. I like that.

Why are tornadoes and blondes so much alike?

At first there is a lot of sucking and blowing then you lose your house!

Why did the scarecrow win a nobel prize?

Because it was out standing in its field.

Ok, I got one.

There is a Russian, an American, and a German. They all die and go to heaven. When they get there, God goes to the Russian and says “You drank way too much buddy.” Then he goes to the American and says “You were too greedy, stop taking stuff that isn’t yours.” Then God goes to the German and says “And you were just too gay, knock it off please, you’re scaring me.” Then he says “I’m going to give you all a second chance and send you back to earth.”

When they get there, the Russian just can’t take it anymore, he sips a bottle of vodka and instantly dies. The American is walking down the street and sees a dollar on the side of the road. He bends over to pick it put and the German dies.

haha

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.. The Man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests you get all the money!!!"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up!

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."

So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar..

OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...

FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth... You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...

THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached (*censor* sounds kind of like "organism") during intercourse.. You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"

Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is.."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally...he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAT TEQUIIIILA?!" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...
Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up... The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside.. They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming...the pit bull yelping... and then SILENCE. Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar .. with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over his body..

"NOW........" he says......

WHERES THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?!"

WHERE'S MY SEX?

Two men are at a construction site, eating lunch. One pulls a can of peaches out and makes a face at it. He turns to the other and says, "Cripes I hate peaches. My wife always packs 'em and I never eat 'em."
The other guy nods as he eats his sandwich.
The first looks at the can of peaches and tosses it up into the air, catching it. The second guy glances at him.
"Bet you twenty dollars you can't throw that can of peaches higher than I can," the second man says.
"You're so on, man," the first guy says before heaving it straight up with all his might. It travels about thirty feet into the air before falling back. He catches it, then hands it to the second man.
The second man concentrates for a moment, then throws it straight into the air as hard as he can. It goes up, up, up... hits a height of about one hundred feet, and comes back down. The second man catches it, then turns to the first one.
"Nah ah, man," the first man says, "You're some sort of peach can tossing machine. Double or nothing says you can't toss..." he looks around, then grabs a brick, "you can't toss this brick higher than I can toss that can of peaches."
The second man shrugs, then takes the brick.
The first tosses his can of peaches up with all his might. This time, it goes really high, about fifty feet.
"Yes!" He shouts, "A personal best! Beat that with a brick!"
The second man looks at the brick, concentrates, and tosses it straight up into the air with all his might. It doesn't come down.

-Get it?