I messed up. Big time.

I've been dating this amazing girl for the past 8 months and have fallen completely in love with her. Unfortunately, about six months before we got together I messed around with one of our mutual friends (my girlfriend and I didn't really know each other at the time) but I was afraid my girlfriend might freak out or something if I told her.

Jump ahead eight months. The person I fooled around with sent me a text saying "everyone knows" (we had decided not to tell anyone to keep things from getting awkward around other people). I panicked, and I finally told my girlfriend about it. As I feared, she freaked out, not because I messed around with someone we both knew, but because I was able to keep it a secret from her for so long. She considers it a grave betrayal of her trust, and that night ended with many tears. That was Friday.

Saturday we talked a little bit, but it was really hard and she wouldn't say much to me. Sunday we talked some more, and she told me that she was willing to try to fix our relationship, but it was going to take time and it was going to be hard because she doesn't feel like she can trust me. I agreed to do whatever it took to make this right, and we said good night.

Monday morning I called her and asked if we could talk some more, and she told me she didn't really want to talk to me. I spent the day killing time by going on a good 3 hour walk. At the end she sent me a text and asked if I wanted to meet and talk, and I said sure. While talking, I told her again how sorry I was and how bad I felt, and asked her how she was feeling. She told me she just feels blank. When she looks at me she doesn't feel love and she doesn't feel hate. She said she doesn't feel anything, but we still agreed to give it a shot.

The last couple days we've hung out for a few hours each day and she talks and is open with me about small things like what happened at school and the like, but she refuses to talk deep, and she refuses to engage in any physical contact whatsoever besides a hug goodnight. It's so hard experience this and know that it's all my fault. I know if she just gave me a fair chance I can earn her trust again, but I feel like she is trying to move on or is avoiding even thinking about forgiveness.

This was the most meaningful relationship I've ever had and I hate to see it end like this. We had so many plans for the future and I feel like everything is crumbling around me. Share your words of wisdom with me, massassi.

(Sorry it was so long).

I assume "fooled around" meaning having sex? Did she ever have sexual relations with another person before you met up? I guess the question would be if she ever had "relations" before because you can't just expect a person, in his a youth and filled with urges, to have a completely clear slate.

No we didn't have sex. We did other things, but we didn't actually do that. She has had two serious boyfriends before me, so yes, she has had sex before we met. She said she doesn't care about what happened. The devastating part to her was the fact that by keeping it a secret from her I was essentially lying to her.

Hey man, sounds like things are still alright in her mind... I can understand her saying she feels "numb," maybe she's a bit hurt. The fact that she still is spending time with you, and talking, even if its nothing too deep, and the fact that she'll let you hug her is probably a good sign in terms of the future of your relationship. I'm sorry to hear about this, but I bet if you don't rush it or push her, things smooth over in good time.

Best luck, man.

...I'm still not seeing how you messed up. And I'm really not seeing how her being willing to only hug you is a good sign.

I wanna have sex and not tell someone about it but then tell it to them later, too.

So one hand keeps a secret from the other. Nice.

So it's something that happened fourteen months ago, and not only were you not dating your current girlfriend at the time, but you didn't even know her.

I'd say the best kind words I can give is that you're perfect for each other - you're both making a big deal out of nothing.

I agree with Jin. She's overreacting and you're feeling bad about something you shouldn't be feeling bad about.

Unless she had asked you about it and you denied everything, I fail to see what the major problem is...

Above three posters have got it spot on. How old are you both, if you don't mind me asking?

wtf

how is it her "right" to know who you slept with BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED DATING? Why are people so selfish that they'd be BROUGHT TO TEARS because you didn't tell them?

That's seriously f'd up.

I'm going to go ahead and side with the previous few posters. Have you told her the details of everybody you've ever done anything with? Has she you?

It just seems like a non-issue... I'd try to stall and let it blow over. If the situation doesn't improve, then try to bring this opinion up.

I somehow can't feel sorry for the original poster.

ok, I agree with the assertions that everyone comes in to a relationship with baggage, and it's entirely up to you and your partner whether you want to share your sexual history with eachother. but that's not what she's upset about (as has been mentioned repeatedly).

The fact is, girls are generally weird about doing anything with someone that their friends have been with in a way that most boys I know aren't. I'd feel a bit icky if I found out someone I was with had done anything (besides a drunken snog!) with a friend of mine. But the problem here is that you identified that she would have a problem with it (correctly, though perhaps not to the extent you imagined), and then chose to keep it from her. The way she now sees it is that you were continuously hiding it from her and therefore deceiving her. What you need to get across to her (assuming it's true) is that the issue over whether to tell her or not was only brought up when you started dating, and you decided against telling her on the offchance she had a problem with it and it ruined a fledgling relationship. But, the important point is, it was not something that was on your mind during the course of the relationship, and you weren't deceiving her, it just wasn't an issue anymore.

What she's scared of is the thought that you were holding a secret so well that she had no idea, and hence she can't trust her own judgement. But that would only be the case if you had actually cheated on her and managed to hide it. That is not what happened, and you need to make her see that.

Maevie hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what got to her. Unfortunately now it feels like she's trying harder to move on without me than trying to work with me to move past this. It's like she's giving me up because she's afraid I will hurt her again and all she's giving me is the illusion of a second chance.

I agree with the maevie.

to be honest i think she's being really immature and selfish, and you shouldn't feel bad.

If she's going to react like this every time something slightly bad happens, what's she going to say when she finds out you fancy her sister? (maybe not, i dont know, everyone i know has a hot sister imo).

No, seriously, people keep secrets. Fair enough

I bet she has some.

She needs to grow up, otherwise, you're better off without a dumb bird like that.

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

Will the Swed-Viet girl be a secret of yours? Say one day she happens to visit you while you're in your flat with another girl.

I can't just give that away as "girls are emotional." That's just a stupid fight because she wanted to feel important and "owed."

"Waah, you should tell me everything about your life even if it's none of my business!!! I feel betrayed that you didn't tell me a secret that has absolutely no repercussions in our relationship!"

Wow, how many relationships have you been in? o.O

So basically you saw someone else a little bit before you going out with her? So what? Tell your current girl friend to chill or you'll dump her. It's totally irrational to expect someone to be retroactively faithful. It's called dating.

Seriously, give her the ultimatum, though. She's just drawing this out for the attention and drama. Relationships with people like that will eventually fail. You need to let her know that you don't want any of that, and break it off it she doesn't come round. Trying to keep a doomed relation ship alive will hurt more worse than breaking it off now.

***** chill or i'll dump you

you know, whatever you did in your life before you met her is none of her ****ing business and you should remind her of that.

Several. I discovered a world of independence and fair-play when I stopped dating women who subjected our relationship to her knee-jerk emotional reactions. Of course you have to be sensitive to a woman's emotions, but you cannot be a slave to them. It's a ridiculous expectation.

Obi said it exactly. She's just drawing this insignificant point out so she can be the center of attention for a while. She's probably crazy, and you shouldn't waste your time.

guys can impregnate many, for almost as long as they live. girls only have a limited number of eggs, and have to be pregnant 8 or so months at a time, so they cling or are picky *****es depending on your point of view. hence, guys cheat all the time. it's bio 101. why should girls bring guys down to their level?

also, honestly, you must not be pretty enough.

you're joking.. right

You are a moron.

Let me get this straight. You had limited sexual contact with some one, prior to your relationship, decided not to tell this person who later became your girlfriend, now she is pissed at you because you didn't tell her about your personal life prior to the relationship, and now you are confused on whether you should go on or not?

This sounds like a ****ing highschool relationship.

Why don't the pair of you try having some real issues?

want me to burn you?



hahahahahahaha

maevie's explanation, I think, fits. I'd recommend trying to discuss what maevie talked about with her. Confront those issues (tactfully) to assuage her fears.

For whoever asked, I'm 23 and she's 20. I agree with most of you; I think she is severely overreacting to this. Unfortunately, that's the kicker. I don't want to lose her over the first big issue we've faced that really isn't all that big when you think about all the other things that people go through. Her perspective, however, is that this is a huge issue and she isn't sure she can stay with me.

Sleep with her sister, since the two of you aren't really together anymore. Then tell her about it.

Makes me wonder what would happen if a real problem were to arise down the line..

Bring it on. I'd love to hear what ammo a sexist little twit has against me.

You messed around, you told her, you're finished.

I'd follow maevie's advice. If she can't see reason and can't see why you chose not to tell her (despite having done nothing wrong, but out of wishing not to hurt her feelings), then even if you did patch things up she sounds like the type of person who'd hold it over you for bloody ages. In that case, I'd bite the bullet, tell her you've done nothing wrong and she's blowing it out of proportion and if she leaves you then, well you've probably done yourself a favour.


You are a glorious troll, sir. I salute you.

This is what I would honestly say if I were in that situation. It doesn't concern her. I don't really see why you were so ashamed of hooking up with your friend that you decided you should keep the secret to your grave, but that's your concern and not anyone elses. You kept a secret that didn't concern her. So what. I'm sure there's lots of things that you've never told her.

Wow, so many relationship-tastic threads around here these days... maybe Forum of Love should be promoted to a main thread after all

Vaguely remembering ragna's posts... ... hmm, think Majin_Scott with low caps.

Shouldn't be hard.