Alright guys, I'm going to make this short and sweet. I really just need some advice, and nothing too philosophical or anything, just plain and simple advice. I have been with my girlfriend now for a little over three years, and long story short, we've been doing this long distance for about 2 years. We go to separate colleges several states apart, but we see each other during breaks and the summer. This semester we separated for reasons unrelated and unimportant to this matter, (mainly long-distance reasons), and after taking about 3 months off from each other we've decided to get back together and start improving on the things that we had problems with.

Now all seemed well to me, up until recently. I felt like she was kind of holding some things back, and she didn't seem to want to be very public about our relationship. I told her that during our break time some crazy girl at my college really came on to me and became clingy and obsessed, ect, so I did my part. When asking her if she was with anyone while we were on a break she said "No." She said she had a few guys ask her but that she declined. I really wouldn't have cared so much had this really been the case, since we were on a break after all.

Well, once again cutting to the chase, I found myself curious and somewhat untrusting of her recent behavior. She seemed to not understand how her relationship status on Facebook mysteriously disappeared (it was hidden) and she had to readd it after I mentioned it. So anyways, I wound up really diving in deep tonight. I got onto her facebook account because I remembered a password she gave me to her e-mail a long time ago. I know this is low, but I had to find out what was really going on. I logged in, and I saw that she had manually set that everyone at her college would not see that she was in a relationship, but elsewhere people would.

I know that a lot of you may immediatly attack me for this, and say that I'm violating her privacy, but the only thing I did was check to see if she was really trying to hide something from me, and she was. Now I am faced with the decision of how to handle this. She comes home for the holidays on Thursday, and I don't know what to do. Do I confront her about this situation, thereby revealing that I logged into her account, or do I just let it go and hope that she changes it on her own?

I'd really appreciate it if there were no stupid comments or flames in this thread. I'm sincerely looking for advice on the matter and it could really help me out.

1. Some people prefer to hide their relationship status for reasons other than dishonesty.

2. In terms of how you could bring it up, do you know anybody that goes to her school? Because you could say that it came up in conversation and you thought it was weird that they couldn't see it but you could.

3. If it turns out she was unfaithful or whatnot, make her feel really bad.

I have a rule I always bring up in a relationship... one strike and its over... unless there is a really GOOD reason. I had this girlfriend once, who cheated on me, and I found out, without even having to invade her privacy... any how, she still can't seem to comprehend that she blew it, and she's never having me back again. Its been 4 months, and she is still trying to get me back, doing scenes sending messages.

I hate to mention it, but I enjoy to see her "suffer"... sort of like my own payback for what she did to me. Yesterday she added me and said she just wanted to be friends... and I flat out told her, I don't want to be your friend, I don't want to ever hear about you again (she kept making new emails and adding me... ). She then said, that she was sorry and that if I ever needed anything from her, she would be there. My reply was something along the lines of, I don't need a damn thing from you. Then I blocked and deleted yet another email of hers.

Any how I'm already in a new relationship, happy and all. My advice:

When a girl has to lie to you, its for good reason. A small lie can hide many things. Pry deeper, and get to the bottom of things, then confront her, and make the right choice, even if its a hard choice.

When I was 13 or 14, I haxed into a girl's hotmail account (I only knew her online by the way). It was ridiculously easy, because she had told me what her favorite band was, and her secret question was "What's the best band in the world?" That was the most successful moment of my life.

I think your relationship is doomed now. You suspected her of being dishonest, so you violated her privacy but if you really want a relationship based on honesty, you are going to have to tell her this... eventually.

I think it's more telling that in your snooping you didnt find anything more incriminating. No private messages from another guy, no private messages from girlfriends talking about some other guy. Personally the whole facebook status setup doesnt seem like a basis to accuse your girlfriend of dishonesty or continued infidelity. Yet you still are concerned. Unless you can let it go, your suspicions will definitely kill the relationship.

Ive been on this road before and i can tell you from multiple experiences..

As soon as you get that feeling in your stomache that something isnt right, and you confront her and she denies, quietly break it off. Otherwise your facing a huge catastrophe. It will suck but its the better of the two options. Dont "what if" yourself into reasoning that it will be okay. If it seems shady, it IS. The best thing you can do is not let your feelings try to justify her actions.

good luck dude.

You can't even tell the truth on an internet forum, and you're posting about a lying woman?

Yeah, it's pretty much doomed from this point - neither of you trust each other so what's the point? (Unless the sex is REALLY good, then hang on for dear life whilst looking for other options)

(Oh, and the stuff in brackets is a joke, intended to lighten the mood after I said doomed)

On the other hand. People always cheat in long-distance relationships. Sleeping with someone else doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

That's tough dude, admitting that you went on to her account could be a disaster especially if it's some mistake or some stupid reason she has it hidden from people at her school.

Although, a friend of mine was in the same situation except her relationship with her ex-boyfriend kept coming up. She kept saying she didn't know how it was happening and then before he knew it she was back together with that other dude. I'm not saying this is what is happening to you but I'd try the approach where you just confront her and say, "Look, it's bothering me that you're acting this way, what's going on?" However she replies you have to use your best judgment as to whether or not she's telling the truth and go from there.

Ask her if she's hiding the relationship? And see what she says? You could always lie right back by saying you had a friend at the college who couldn't see the status, etc, and thus deduced it without logging in, but meh. Logging into her account was a bad idea. If you can't trust her enough that you feel you have to do that sort of checking up, then you should have ended it there.

I don't think there's ever an acceptable reason to go into someone's private accounts, even if you do suspect them of something like this. Especially considering it's nothing more than a suspicion.

I really appreciate the advice guys. I'm going to give think about this a little more and act on it sometime soon.

Cool, take your time, best of luck.

End the relationship. There's no need to be honest with her about logging in to her account when she wasn't honest to you. She's obviously trying to make herself appear available & is simply keeping you around in case she doesn't find the next big thing. Maybe she even loves you & simply wants to play around a bit until your relationship is no longer a long distance one. The reasons are irrelevant. She's being dishonest, long distance relationships are a joke anyways & you shouldn't be spending your time masturbating to a woman that is a thousand miles away. Get out there & have fun. Life is too short to be wasting your time with a person that's this confused. I once spent 6 years of my life with a girl that sounds all too similar to yours & I'd give anything to have all of that time back. Good luck.

?

Seems like you're blowing it out of proportions to me. I mean, it's just Facebook drama crap.

It's sounds like there is more going on than you've mentioned, otherwise Facebook doodads alone shouldn't upset you, especially since you've been together for over three years.

Cripes, I'm glad I don't date most of the people here on Massassi.

What ever you do, don't mention logging in her facebook.

lol "advice"

I did the exact same thing with my ex yesterday. She said she needed some time on her own, but over and over she told me she still wanted to be with me when she got better, and that the thought of that was the only thing keeping her going. But this complete douchebag who had harassed her and I over the course of our relationship (and who she swore she would never talk to again) started posting a lot on her facebook. Normally I'd feel bad about snooping, but she has lied about a lot of things in the past, and given me absolutely no reason to trust her. Sure enough, when I went into her account, it turns out she's in a secret relationship with him.

My advice is, if this is the first time she's been sneaky, tell her what you did and apologize, but also let her know about your concerns and give her a chance to explain herself. If not, tell her to **** off, and don't waste your time with her.

Change your facebook status to match hers and see if she says anything.

It's time to end the relationship.

Start one with me.

hire a female wrestler to challenge her to a thunderdome fight.... seriously though, if this is really that big of the an issue you would probably be better off ending the relationship. go out have some fun for a year or two, maybe do some casual dating...

is there a reason you're still dating her other than it's comfortable? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but I've seen a lot of people stay in relationships because they've been in them for a while, there's no reason not to, etc.. And people get back into relationships with old significant others for the same reasons. "We had something once that we can get back" or "There's a history there" yadda yadda.

this.

So how did you find out about this Facebook discrepancy? You said that you are at different schools, but that noone at her school could see her status. How did you know about this beforehand?

I didn't read all the replies but make sure you don't tell her you did it, cause she will flip.

Just end this. This has been doomed for 2 years, there's no reason to string this along.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

She'll never find out! Quit being such a pu**y.

You know, but she doesnt know you know... y'know?

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

If you suspect someone of being dishonest, being dishonest yourself is a sign that the relationship cannot work as it is. If you want to salvage it, tell her you didn't trust her enough to take her word for it, that you shouldn't have snooped, and that if she's got something else going on, she should just say so and leave. If she doesn't, than tell her that the relationship is only going to work if you guys can get past your lack of trust for each other. You should note that you're at fault for snooping, and she's got every right to break up with a guy who doesn't trust her.

Yeah, what he said

log into it again, and change her password.

Thanks for everything guys, I talked with her tonight and I started the conversation by letting her know that I was aware of some things that she was hiding from me. I gave her a chance to address these things to me, and she told me that she was really sorry for being dishonest and for living a double life. She said that she only did it as protection for herself in case we didn't work out, and I told her that it still didn't make it right. She also told me about an encounter she had with a guy who made a move on her in her apartment and kissed her. She told me that she backed away from it, and told the guy that she didn't want to get involved with anyone else. She said she was planning on telling me when she came home, face to face.

I told her that all of this was difficult for me, and she understands why I had reasons to be upset. She had done things like this to me before, where she'd tell me half truths, and tell me about things after I brought it up with her, but not when they initially happened. Overall, I still love her, I told her that I wanted to believe everything that I told her, but something made me feel uneasy about everything. Normally I'd never go snooping around, violating her privacy, and "checking up on her", but she understood that I gave her no reason to trust her in this situation. I didn't force her to think any of this, and I told her that I'd rather us both be happy and if she didn't want to be with me then that was fine.

In the end we've decided to really start over. She promised me to be completely honest with me, and she knows that she will be on thin ice. She told me that she will allow me to check her facebook, email, whatever, whenever I please if I really have any suspicions about her. I told her that I would love to start over and do things right if that's how they really will be. I don't intend on checking up on her anymore, unless for some reason something like this happens again. However, just the thought of me being able to check on her at any time should make her be more honest with me upfront anyways.

I didn't come to Massassi for a real solution. Anyone who ever comes to a forum, or any other person for that matter, to really solve their problems is already completely lost and hopeless themselves. You can never be someone else's puppet, and so all I really wanted out of posting this here was to find the strength to do what was right. In a weird way, posting at Massassi, and hearing so much feedback from you guys really helped me to do the right thing. I was honest, and she was honest. We can only now hope for the best.

Thanks guys.

It's only going to happen again

That isn't even remotely true, and it's kind of an assholish thing to say. I'm sure if they can both be transparent about everything, they'll both feel comfortable, and they can get past their differences.

However, anyone who's got an exit strategy after 3 years in the relationship is questionable, you ask me. I'd be really hurt that my girlfriend is advertising singleness at school so she can be available in case we don't work out. That doesn't smell like love. It smells like opportunism and uncertainty. You might want to very specifically address this uncertainty she's having, and identify a way to strengthen your bond.

But in all sincerity, I probably wouldn't stay with her, if I were you. None of this looks like the kind of happy relationship that you and I both know is possible. I think you might find yourself liberated and freed if you were to take a step back and look at how your relationship has gone thus far. It isn't necessarily that she's going to lie or anything again, but that there isn't that confidence, safety, and ease that most successful relationships have. I don't imagine the distance helps any of this at all, either.

It might be wise to either do some serious thinking, or some serious preventative measures to make sure you guys can develop a stronger relationship that isn't prone to what-if-we-break-up?s and are-you-lying-again?s.

This is no good. If she's been disrespecting you in this way all along, she will keep doing it. People like this are selfish, and don't surrender their world of secrets so readily. They feel bad for getting caught, not for actually doing something wrong. So if she thinks she can get away with something in the future, she'll do it.

I know where you're coming from. I loved my girlfriend dearly, and forgave her a lot of terrible things because she insisted it was all due to what the drugs turned her into. But in the end, she turned out to just be a shallow, heartless, deceitful ***** anyway. It hurts so much more when you think back to all the undeserved chances you gave her. Believe it, because I'm living that nightmare right now. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone else, so please be very careful.(, and don't give her any trust that she doesn't deserve.

I would highly suggest never snooping again and letting her know you won't. Other than that what Kirby said.

The posts in this thread are way too long...

a little K.I.S.S. philosophy is in order.

Except this is a thread about females, and even more complicated, relationships. Not possible.