So I'm a bit torn right now.

So I met this girl who's really cool this summer. We got along really well, were able to joke around with each other, talk about cool stuff that we're both interested in, etc. Back then I didn't think much of it, since I was dating someone else at the time. In the past 6 months, we've been hanging out more and more at coffee shops, bowling, watching movies, and playing music together; all with other people around. We've taken a few walks together and really enjoyed ourselves.

Basically, I really like her and it's obvious to me that she really likes me. I love her family, and they love me. We are actually really good friends. The problem is this: I'm 20 and she's 16. It's not the social stigma or legal issues that bugs me. In fact, age of consent laws wouldn't be a problem to me for numerous reasons: I'm not going to have sex until I'm married and in PA age of consent is 16 anyways.

The argument from my mind is that as a young person, she should just enjoy her life right now and not have to worry about a serious relationship. Usually I can't stand seeing relationships at that age. They usually just needlessly tear up a girls heart, so I feel like a hypocrite to consider it. On the other hand, she's quite mature for her age, is very responsible, and I could seriously see her as my future wife.

If anything, I should just talk to her, and see what she thinks about all this. I'm pretty sure she has thoughts along the same lines. I would appreciate any suggestions, thoughts, tips.

Thanks.

inb4pedobear

I wouldn't date a girl who's 16 solely for the reason that she's going to be immature, no matter how special you think she is. She hasn't yet had to really deal with the concept of providing for herself, even on a trial basis like college.

There are other fish in the sea, and ones who are much more suited to you age and maturity.

Thanks for the wisdom.

I'd be inclined to agree. I think the +/- 1 year rule is pretty effective until the early 20s, when it starts to be the -1/+a few rule. 21 and 23? That's cool. 21 and 29? Starting to get weird.

if there's grass on the field

Love has no boundaries my friend. I say go for it.

Of course, if she was 16 and you were 40, then that would be a big f***in boundary!

Andy Bernard: What's my girlfriend doing here?

But yeah, people grow and change a lot between high school and college years, and she's going to need room to do that. I wouldn't.

XKCD says the creepiness rule is 17 for you, so no go.

Yeah. I did that equation.

Yeah. That's what logic tells me.
*sigh*

High school girls are totally insane.

just sayin'

btw, this thread is useless without pics

Most are, high school or not..

She's actually been home-schooled her whole life.

haha

I dated a homeschooler. She went bat**** insane and dumped me cause her parents taught her that longterm relationships were bad.

Wow. That's really stupid.

1) I entered a serious relationship at 15; six years later, I'm still in it and still don't regret it. I know lots of people who started relationships in the middle of high school, kept them a ways into college, and got a lot out of the experience. Seems to me that a healthy relationship ought to encourage personal growth, not stifle it. What do you mean by "enjoy her life," anyway? Isn't that what relationships are ostensibly for?

2) "needlessly tear up a girls heart"? I don't know where to start... They don't hurt boys, too?

3) Shouldn't she be the one making this call? It's not a good sign that you're already condescending from the lofty vantage point of your age to decide what's right for her.


20 to 16 is a pretty big age difference, but it's just like any other factor that complicates a relationship: be conscientious about communicating well, be honest with yourself, and be ready to adapt to her personality, which will be different than your own. If you actually think that she's interesting and mature enough to spend time with (and it's not just the infatuation talking), then why not?

(The parents might be a legitimate answer: you say they love you, but would they still if they knew you wanted to date their daughter?)

Agreed.

Are you able to maintain a good friendship while not getting "serious"?

Dude it's a girl, don't risk it. They're scary.

Serious answer: Listen to Vornskr and/or talk to her about it and see if she thinks it would work or would be worth it. If she's as mature as you say she is, she ought to be able to look at it from a reasonable stand point.

Is she four years younger than you? I sure hope not because that would make her 11 when you started dating and that would just be creepy.

But your situation is different to Vegie's. You matured along with your girlfriend. Did you grow together? Well that's for you to tell me. But the thing is Vegimaster is four years more matured than this girl. Now you can slice that any way you want - you could say she is the reincarnation of a 70-year-old Saint while Vegimaster is an 8-year-old manchild. Whatever. But physiologically thats still four years of brain development between them. If Vegie was 30 and she was 26 this point would be moot, you could consider them both matured, but at her age she really is still becoming her own person and might very well be a different person by the time she's Vegie's age.

Plus, she's homeschooled. Those ones are always weird as hell.

Jin just said everything I would have said in response

Growing together as you move through the same life phases is different than being at different phases and trying to keep it together as you both grow

This.

Jin, I agree completely. I don't mean to draw too close a parallel between my situation and anyone else's. Mostly I included that info because (I think) it's important in threads of this kind to know what experiences people are basing their advice on. ("x worked for me so y will work for you!" is flawed logic, even if x=y)

Clearly it's a bad idea for him to jump on this boat expecting it to lead to marriage. (That's probably a bad way to start any relationship when you're 20...) But when the situation is "Hey: I like you, so let's spend time together till it stops working," there are two things to consider:

1) whether it's going to be good for him
and
2) whether it's going to be good for her.

What bothered me about his post was that his primary concern was (2), which is mostly her responsibility. If he thinks that his life will be better for such a relationship, he should give it a try. Obviously he should have her best interests in mind (and commendations to you, Vegie, for that!) but ultimately she has a decision to make as well--and making such decisions is part of the maturation process that she needs.

I actually date people older than me, currently I am in a realtionship so I don't care.

I find that most 16 year old people, are really immature as stated above. Maturity from both parts is one the most important things in a relationship. Currently my girlfriend is 16, nearly 17 in a couple days. But shes more mature than most 18 year old girls I know. She's sort of the boss in the relationship, cause she makes really good decisions, and it always works out.

You really can't trust or believe anything SF_Gold says, I'd probably disregard his post if I were you.

totally read that wrong

I dunno, he said he was someones *****. Sounds pretty likely to me.

Yeah, maybe. But he wasn't talking about a dude.

Thats how I spotted how BS that whole post is.

Fine talk for a man with girly hair. Or have you chopped that ***** wig off yet?

Honestly, I dated a home-schooled girl, and in the end, both her and EVERY SINGLE one of her friends was not only bat**** crazy, but also very closed minded. She was 18 and I was 18, but she was just much more immature than other girls her age, and she was very closed minded, because she just didn't have the same mindset and experience as other girls who have gone through public school and have had that opportunity to have social interactions that way etc. Also, 20 and 16, no matter homeschool or not is a HORRIBLE idea. No matter what you think, she just isn't as mature as you think. When you become infatuated with a girl, you don't see any of their faults, and admit it or not, if you think this is a good idea, it's because you aren't looking at her with a clear head.

Aye, SAJN nailed it.

To be honest, the only real way to have a stable relationship, is getting to know someone, before you start a greater relationship.

6 months might seem like a long time. It isn't.Although, perhaps maybe its more than enough to start a relationship.

But you should look at her in an objective manner.

First of all, you can't ever tell if anything is going to work. Saying you should wait more than 6 months is daft. You should wait as long as you feel comfortable, no more, no less. Also, asking a guy to step back and look at a girl objectively is the dumbest thing in the world, because it's near impossible. We all put women up on pedestals when we like them and you can't FORCE yourself into looking at them different, but you can listen to some advise and realize this is a horrible idea, and nothing good is going to come of it.

No, you can't. Everything is a risk, this isn't what were debating.



I never said you should wait 6 months. I said 6 months isn't a long time.



If you can't look at your girl objectively, then you must be weakminded. Before I get into a relationship, I get to know her friends, family and obviously her. Knowing the people who she surrounds herself with is very important, it tells you alot about her.

I assure you, if you spend more time with her, and think things over, you'll find faults.

SAJN vs SF_GoldG_01(dude you're name is very time consuming, what does it mean?) on the topic of love!

SF called it right. Emotion is nothing but a jedi-mind trick* women place on weak minded men.

"You weak minded fool!"

*I don't know where the appropriate place for that hyphen would be

This thread was pretty good until SF_Gold showed up. Makes me glance over at the ignore function. We speak no words but our eyes meet, and they are heavy, as if to tell me, "I'm here for you."

But I'm just not sure about this, Ignore Function. We're still so young and wild. Are we ready for this commitment?

Frankly, I couldn't care less. I'm just saying things as they are.



Look at this way, if you let emotions get in your way, things usually turn out bad. It has happened to me before, and I learned from it. If you can't learn from this, then you're retarded.

LOVE IS ALL ABOUT EMOTION. If you cannot see this, then you are doomed. Stop trying to rationalize love. There aren't steps that one can logically assure themselves to take when getting into a relationship. You can tell yourself one thing, but when you start to feel for someone, it's a whole different story. It isn't about being weak minded, it's about love just being as complicated as it is. You can try and be objective, but you really can't be fully objective, not when you're trying to invest your emotional being into another person.

I often think I'd like to date a 30 or slightly above year old. They tend to be experienced and mature while still looking young enough for me. She could teach me about life, love, sex, and so forth.

Women enjoy sex more as they age. I learned it in my Bio of Women class.