A few months ago, I started being very tired, and having extreme pain in my muscles. It wouldn't go away, and I've been seeing a doctor many times since. I've done lots of bloodtests, causing me to pass out, but bringing up no results at all. There also is no indication of how long it may last. I'm going to see a specialist Januari 21st, but really, if it's up to me, I don't live to that day. I really feel like killin myself now.. Let me explain.

Due to this disease, I can barely walk. Therefore, I can't go to school either, which caused me to miss out a lot of tests. According to my doctor, and principal, I'm going to fail class this year, and maybe even failing school completely. Which sucks. More sucky stuff; my girlfriend broke up with me because "I didn't care about her. I could've come over some more." ..I couldn't. Even. Walk. And when I could, I was with her. I called her nearly every day.. It seems so unreal.

Due to this disease, I haven't been able to do a lot of stuff with my friends either, there are only 2 of them who actually seem to care about me. The rest just left me behind, as old dirt. Other people, foreigners, have been treating me as a punching bag as well. I don't know why they do so, I don't know who they are, I just know it hurts an aweful lot.

I'm in a constant fight with my parents, they don't even believed I was really sick, until the doctor said I was.. it all just makes me want to end it. And there's an easy way to do that.. 4 capsules of the painkillers I'm taking, plus one glass of beer, and it's over. No pain, no nothing. It'll cause me to fall asleep first, I'll hardly notice anything. It seems my only way out..

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Map-Review | Digital Core | The Matrix: Unplugged

Farewell, MaDaVentor. In our hearts, you'll always live on.

[This message has been edited by gothicX (edited January 02, 2004).]

Whether or not you'd like to beleive it, this is probably a good thing for you.

Considering you get better, you'll know who your real friends are. You'll know who your real-girlfriend is. You'll know how real people are. I'm crippled, and I have to deal with 'unreal' people all of the time. It's something that's strengthened me with people.

On another hand, this is most likely some test. I'm not religious, but I do beleive life tests us. Giving up would only show your weakness, it would only show that you aren't the person I know, who can overcome problems like these. Think, what kind of a person you'll be once you get through with it? Think, just a little bit longer, and you'll have learned a brand-new lesson in life.

Just my two cents, because I'm not you. I don't have any clue what's going on inside of you, but I do know we'd love to see you around some more, so hang on for Massassi, if that's all that's left.

JediKirby

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"I was driving along listening to the radio, when Judas Priest comes on. It was 'You've got another thing coming.' All of a sudden, I enter 'VICE CITY RAMAGE MODE' and nearly ran some guy over"
- ]-[ellequin

I don't know you well, so there's not much I can say, other than this:


You know that's not true.
There's still so much to life that you'd miss out on if you died.

No one wants you to go anywhere. If there's anyone who does, they can go to hell.

[edit] Listen to jedikirby. It may not seem like it, but I think people come out of every trial better off. You are what you are now. You can try to change it, or you can make the best of it.

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All you need is love.

[This message has been edited by dry gear the frog (edited January 02, 2004).]

The problem is, I'm not able to tell if it even ends. Even the doctors couldn't tell me how long it'll last, but I can count on 1 year at least.

Dry Gear The Frog: I can't do anything right now, I just sit at home, and sleep..
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Map-Review | Digital Core | The Matrix: Unplugged

Farewell, MaDaVentor. In our hearts, you'll always live on.

[This message has been edited by gothicX (edited January 02, 2004).]

dont forget, Jesus loves you

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"Everyone Dies..."
-Fett

My Website
Brad's Highschool Level
Unfinished Levels For Download

I'm not religious at all..

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Map-Review | Digital Core | The Matrix: Unplugged

Farewell, MaDaVentor. In our hearts, you'll always live on.

I concur with Kirby...

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Bassoon, n. A brazen instrument into which a fool blows out his brains.

I almost know what you are going through, there are people about that will help, myself included, you are a good friend, even though online , but still a friend.

Any time you want to talk or chat or mess about, shout and ill be about

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Attack of the Clones TC For Jedi Outcast

http://www.aotctc.com

You have to consider all the people that do love and care about you before you do something selfish like that.

My sister went through about 3 years of what you're going through - she almost died because of her medical problems. She felt like ending it, I'm sure. But she stuck in there and guess what? She's living a happy, normal life now. I understand that it's difficult (and I probably -don't- understand exactly -how- difficult, but I can probably imagine) to the positive side to any of this, but once you make it through, you will be happy you did. You'll be back to feeling like your old self again, and hopefully, you won't treat your [new] friends as they've [you're old friends] treated you.

gothicX...I can relate somewhat you're going through. Back in my freshman year of high school I started getting extreme pains in my stomach...

Did 100's of tests, testing everything from ulcer's to colon cancer...

Nothing came out of the tests, and the doctors declared me as having IBS *A non curable, but non-life threating illness*. This means it won't go away, and I'll have to deal with it the rest of my life.

For a kid whose just starting high school to hear that...it seriously took a lot out of me.

But you have to realize, though its hard to see now, life will go on *with you in it*

As someone else said, though its harsh, this will show what and who your friends are. Your girlfriend really needs to see this as what it is, and not you "not caring about her". You are the one in pain and going through this here...the last thing you want to hear is that your pain is hurting her.

The point of this message is that while life might seem insignificant now, and that you can't see into the future if things remain the same, things will change for the better.

You have to be strong here is the bottom line.

When I look back on my past *I'm a sophmore in college now*, I realize that what I thought was horrible for myself then really helped me grow into someone better.

Good luck

I can't say I know what you are going thrugh, but I can tell that it's probably the hardest thing you've had to deal with in your life. You need to think about the pain and suffering you will cause other people if you take your life. Believe it or not, there are people out there who will be torn up if you're gone; your parents, family, real friends and so on.


------------------
I'm not an actor. I just play one on TV.

There's a lot of perspective in life to be gained from overcoming huge obstacles. Getting through this next month could provide answers for you on how to cope with many of these issues, not to mention many more which could be unrelated.

You'll always have some problems in life; some you are born with, some you can change, and some are just out of your hands.

Other people in your life will always fall into the "out of you hands" category. You cannot change someone else. The only way to get someone else to change is to let them change on their own. Sometimes people don't look at life in your shoes. The best you can do is say, "Please, try and imagine what it is like for me." Often times we become out of tune with the rest of the world when problems arise, and we narrow our perspectives to what only matters or involve ourselves, not others.

While you may have quite a few people who seem to have deserted you, you still do have people who interact in your life. You are fortunate enough to have a couple friends who still do visit you. It is always important to not neglect or take for granted any positive influence on your life. You should also remember to thank your friends and family for visiting you or helping out, because it tells them that they have made an impact on your life by taking a little time out of theirs.

Now obviously there are some things that you can change, like yourself. The most difficult, but most beneficial thing to change is your attitude. Negativity only leads to more negativity. Believing only bad things will distort your perceptions of reality, and it will eventually lead to conflict with others.

Some of the conflict you're dealing with could just be different (skewed) perceptions of the same event. This is why communication is important. Just as you need people to see things from your point-of-view, you need to see where everyone else is coming from. Just because you see what's going on in your life as complete **** doesn't mean that everyone else in your life does. You also have to think about the consequences of your negativity. It can and does drive people away.

Ultimately it's up to you. We can say whatever we want and it won't will you into changing your outlook on life. However, I'd like to at least try. You probably have a lot of time on your hands. I would suggest that you step back and look at your life on a whole. I'm sure you can think of events in your life where if you just changed your reaction, you could completely alter your life in one direction or the other. You're at one of those points now, and how you react will determine (quite drastically) how your life will change, not to mention how it will change others. This experience can benefit more than just you alone.

I honestly believe that no life is useless; everyone has a purpose in life beyond just existing. You have yet to reach your full potential, and the relationships in your life will come and go like the wind. Selling yourself short will always cost you, but it will also cost someone else, too. Just because you cannot control every aspect of your life doesn't mean that you can't get something out of it.

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Current Maps | Inclusion | Restless Endeavor

There is a thin line between insanity and stupidity. I am that line.

Hmm... Gothic's original post seemed like something out of Resident Evil.

And, here's a personal message:

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Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here, this was my dream, my wish, and it didn't come true. So I'm takin' it back. I'm takin' 'em all back.

Whatever you do, do not ruin your chance of getting better. Just keep fighting.

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There are two asses in Massassi... and I'm one of them.
The Matrix Unplugged|The Valley of the Jedi Tower|Smaug's Lair

He's right. If you end it, you have no chance at all of getting better. If you don't, there's always a chance.

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MadQuack on Military school: Pro's: I get to shoot a gun. Con's: Everything else.
"I'm going to beat you until the laws of physics are violated!!" ! Maeve's Warcry

RIP -MaDaVentor-. You will be missed.

If you were actually wanted to kill yourself you'd have done it without posting here. This means you have some reason that you want to live for, try to focus on that, whatever it may be. It is definatly not the only way out, just keep fighting it. With an attitude like that it will seem worse than it really is.

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WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF PEANUT!!!

I think it's pure retardedness that because your sick they fail you.I mean what can YOU do? it isn't your fault. And suicide is never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever the answer. Cheer up, when it's over things will be alot better, you may even look at things in a different perspective. I hope you get better soon.

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SAJN_Master had sticky Shift button - wrote 179 lines in CAPS.
Sample: [17:42] <SAJN_Master> Flexor

Suicide just puts your pain onto your family, and the people you know.

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Massassian since: March 12, 2001

[=-"The hardest thing is to forgive, but God does;
Even if you murdered or robbed, years wrong, but God loves;
Take one step toward him, he takes two toward you;
Even when all else fail, God supports you." - Nas-=]

I know what this is, I have it. I'm surprised the doctors haven't said anything about it..

I had the same problem, but mine was easy to find because I was young when I got it. I had a catscan I think.

Now, when I was little I was complaining about my legs hurting, then my whole body. My parents didn't beleive me until I fell down the stairs, over and over and over again. Out of experiance, what happens is aafter a long time it goes away, then comes back. Usually it's focused on one place but still hurts everywhere, other times it only makes you feel funny. But it dosen't come back again for about 5 monthes to a year I think. Of course I could be wrong and you might have something totally different. Wait it out, and when you can walk again go tell everybody that were idiots to lay off, and call your GF and try to explain to her. If she still dosen't get it, she's not worth anything. GFs that care about themselves are not good people, let alone mates. They go through a stage in life when they think everything is out to get them. Some girls are worse then others, and some aren't affected at all. The whole friends thing, just don't worry about it. Some people have utterly corrupt familes and take it out on others for their *word for poop*s and giggles. Trust me, they are worse then you thinking you should end your life. Your friends that are still your friends are true friends indeed. Usually you have very little of those, because there are so many kinds of different people. I only have 3 real friends, and a ton of other 'friends' that couldn't care less if I was shipped off to the moon to be fed rocks and then burried alive. Parent's tend to be the way yours are. They always think their kid is trying to lie their way out of chores/school/homework and think that "MY KID WON'T FOOL ME! NO SIR!" I have those kind as well. They didn't beleive me that I got beat up one night and couldn't walk up the stairs to goto bed, thus I wanted to sleep on the couch. Nope they didn't beleive me until they watched me get the crap kicked out of me in front of my own house. Life's a *****, but good things can come from bad. Stick with life, because you never know what might happen

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<Glyde> but.. you can't pick pickled peppers, even if a pickled pepper picker could pick pickled peppers!

Only a few months?!
Please, give it a little more time!

I had Glandular fever about 4 years ago now, and I was totally bed-ridden and sore for about a month. I could hardly swallow because of the pain. And even when it went away, it severely weakened my immune system, and for the next 2 years, I kept coming down with illnesses, and I'd be taking every other week off school. But here I am today, a healthy sixteen year old who's still right up there in terms of academics.

You'll get through it, don't worry.

GothicX, I really don't want to mourn the loss of another Massassian. I never want that. You guys are like a family to me and I've only seen one of you guys. Now, I don't have a clue as to what you are going through, but I don't want to see you end it all. Its probably something that is curable or that will run its course. So what if you fail school. You can go back. If they don't let you, you can sue because its valid. Your girlfriend wasn't loyal to you. You'll find another and be better off. If it was my fiancee, she would have been by my bedside every chance she got. Anyway, I wish you the best. Your in my prayers( I know your not religious, but I am. )

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Prowling out of the tundra, swinging a jeweled meat hammer, cometh Outlaw Torn! And he gives a gutteral bellow:

"I'm seriously going to hump you until you scream like a banshee!"

Well then don't forget, Massassi loves you!

I think it would be awefully sad if you ended your life because some of your "friends" were pure scumbags. Think how bad your real friends would feel if you ended things.
I admit that I don't know all that you are going through, but I would fight it out and then make those guys wish that they were your friends again when you are back on your feet. Good Luck.

------------------
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right." -Isaac Asimov

Never tickle the third foot!

[This message has been edited by Bobbert006 (edited January 02, 2004).]

To deal with breaking up with a girl, I get a piece of paper and make a list of everything that was wrong with her. Once I run out of real things, I start making them up. Something about it makes me realize things that I missed before, because I was blinded by a crush.

Even when there is nothing else to live for, you can always post here (and edit some more JO! )

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BV's rendition of Titanic: Let's have sex. I won't let go. I don't need this stone.
The End.
~ Wolfy

Its amazing that in this day and age, with all this medical science at our fingertips, they cant find whats wrong with you. Whatever it is it doesnt sound good quite obviously.

When you're down you'll have thoughts of suicide, but i find when i go through bad times, its immediately followed by good times, as if life has a balance of woes and happiness.

But I know what'll make you feel better, its the same for me.
If I mention my own woes, you'll feel less crappy. I know I always do.
So, concerning your gf and loss of friends, I say this:

4 months ago, I thought I had it all.
I was about to go to uni, respected at my job, had a cute girlfriend, my social life became better, and had some people very close to me, especially my gf and Suzi and Yvonne. These 3 girls were the most important things in my life.

4 months later, its different. Dumped by my girlfriend, no job and little money, uni is boring and lonely most of the time. And as for suzi and Yvonne, Suzi wont speak to me anymore because i shouted at my ex gf, and Yvonne seems to be ignoring and avoiding me on the phone for a reason i cannot fathom, even though we used to speak on the phone 2 times every day.

I went through feelings of suicide, I even tried to starve myself to death and then give myself alcohol poisnoning (didnt work), but i lived, and now things are getting better. I dont feel the pain of loss anymore in loosing the girl i was in love with, and even with the loss of suzi and yvonne, i have found new people, and a new woman I have met keeps me feeling happy thanks to her amazing warmth and care she gives me. ANd still, I may patch things up with Suzi and Yvonne. My ex however can boil in a pot of acid and go to hell...

Life gets crappy, but then it gets better. If you kill yourself now you'll miss your chance for when life improves, you have to give it a chance.

As for your medical condition, slap around a doctor or two, they must be able to find the cause with their phd's and what not.

Get well soon

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

Yeah. The doctors are some of the best-paid people there are. Just because they can't find what's wrong with you in those crappy little books of their shouldn't mean they shouldn't try to help you. Otherwise they don't deserve to be doctors.

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The Matrix: Unplugged

I have three medical conditions that are either undocumented or extremely rare and barely heard of.



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When bread becomes toast, it can never go back to being bread again.

I'd like to point out that MaDaVentor reference in your sig.
First of all, at the risk of being cheesy, I'll say that one thing he was remembered for was his strength in dealing with his condition. If you truly want him to live on in your heart, follow his example.

Second of all, we don't need another tragedy so soon.

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All you need is love.

We don't need a tragedy at all.

Blood_Asp just spewed the most thought jarring thing I've ever heard, listen to the man. He speaks more truth than I can fathom.

JediKirby

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"I was driving along listening to the radio, when Judas Priest comes on. It was 'You've got another thing coming.' All of a sudden, I enter 'VICE CITY RAMAGE MODE' and nearly ran some guy over"
- ]-[ellequin

"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."

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Please frame your insults in the form of a question.

[This message has been edited by JudgeDredd (edited January 02, 2004).]

GothicX, dude.. there's not much I can say that hasn't already been said.

Don't just give up. I can't really think of anything much inspiring to say.. everyone's already kinda covered it. But even thought we live in different countires on opposite sides of the planet, I still think of you as a friend I've made. As do a lot of others here.

You'll get better. Just give it some time.

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"When all else fails, eat pie."
-¬thoughts from beyond observance

There is little I can say that has not been eloquently said allready here, but let me be another voice telling you to hang on, its worth it in the end, even if it is just to look back across this and relize what you mannaged to overcome.

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"Well, if I am not drunk, I am mad, but I trust I can behave like a gentleman in either
condition."... G. K. Chesterton

“questions are a burden to others; answers a prison for oneself”

I just came out of bed, and read this thread.. It literally caused me to burst into tears. I haven't cried in years, it all feels so confusing. Just last night, I found out that the guy who I presumed my best friend, was seeing my now ex-girlfriend, and she broke up with me because of that. In real life, there's only one person I can talk to now.. And that hurts. A lot.

Next to that, the pain is groing worse, the medications I take don't help s*** either. Just last night, when I stood up from this chair, I fell. I wasn't able to get up for 40 minutes, 40 minutes that felt neverending.

On another note, since 3 days ago, I've been seeing my grandfather, both in my dreams and in real life. I keep hearing his voice all the time. Nothing too weird with that, you may think, but my grandfather is dead. The last time I actually cried was at his funeral, I never realised how much I miss him.

And as for editing; I haven't edited in weeks, merely because the work I released gets great reviews, but neither has hit 500 doiwnloads, it doesn't seem worth it.

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Map-Review | Digital Core | The Matrix: Unplugged

Farewell, MaDaVentor. In our hearts, you'll always live on.

...and are you sure the medication kicks in yet? Get your *** back to the doctors if you think its not working.
As for editing, I've been working on one JK stargate mod for 4 years of my life, and when i release it, 5 people will dload it. 10 if I'm lucky.
And as for the now-ex-gf and so-called best mate, it would seem obvious taht them dating behind your back is an insult. Time to forget them, at least for now.
Focus on others, do what you have to, keep yourself active in anyway you can despite any physical difficults you are presently suffering. Look at the bright side, whilst most have to go to school, you don't. Last time I checked that was a good thing.

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

I hate not going to school, I'm failing class. As for other things... There isn't much I can do, especially now that it's vacation. I'm home alone most of the time, one girl comes here from time to time to see how I'm doing (Read: Every so many day), she's the only friend I have left. That, sir, is what they call ****ed up.

Oh, and about that medication: The doctor knows it doesn't work, since I told him yesterday. he says he can't do anything for me.

EDIT: Great, while typing this, WinAmp switched to Murderdolls - Slit My Wrist.

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Map-Review | Digital Core | The Matrix: Unplugged

Farewell, MaDaVentor. In our hearts, you'll always live on.

[This message has been edited by gothicX (edited January 03, 2004).]

You may be as depressed as hell, but there must be something good thinking about! After all, you do make kickass levels.

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GhostOfYoda - General doer of stuff.

Hang in there, don't listen to depressing music and try to avoid the computer and the TV for most of the day, they'll only tire you out. Make yourself a playlist of feelgood songs, like Stereophonics - Have A Nice Day, and only listen to it when you feel you need to.

Ask your parents to pick out some books or something from the library (if you're into fantasy then I can recommend the ENTIRE Sword Of Truth series by Terry Goodkind).

When the weather gets a bit better try and sit outside for a while; your parents should be understanding of your problem and should help you get around. If one of your parents stays at home ask them to stay with you and just talk about how you're feeling - sharing on the internet is one thing but sharing in person does actually help.

Try and keep a well balanced, healthy diet; you need to give your body a chance to recover.

Hope you get better soon, hang in there.

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tristan is the best friend of the jedi

"I am the signature virus! Copy me into your signature so that I can take over the world! Moohahahee!"

Yes...

You'll survive, kid.

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<landfish> FastGamerr > Satan

I know it's hard to take a lot of this advice seriously, as it's difficult to see anything beyond your own pain in such a situation....and not having a diagnosis puts you in a position where you don't even know where or how to start climbing out of this dark hole.

It will come though, that's a certainty and as wierd as it sounds this will all make you a better person in the end.

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Cantina Cloud | BCF | The Massassian & A Very Massassian Xmas
Corrupting the kiddies since '97

Fight, fight, and fight. Life is a precious thing, and you cannot let it go so easily. Do it for the sake of your loved ones, or for the sake of the hope, that you may become your old self again one day.

PS.: The doctor in an arse. Look for another one who actually cares about his/her patients.

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"Hass, alkoss, gyarapíts: s a haza fényre derûl!"

-Kölcsey Ferenc

Let me repeat this - I don't know how long it'll last. I really can't stand the pain, and the problems I'm having. I understand that people out there are in far worse conditions, but when it hits you yourself, it hurts. It really hurts. All those people who never visited me, or even called to hear why I didn't showup, they've spread rumors that I've been busted, that I've joined some satanistic cult which I hang out with all the time, and that I'm freaking dead. They won't miss me. Not at all.

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Map-Review | Digital Core | The Matrix: Unplugged

Farewell, MaDaVentor. In our hearts, you'll always live on.