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ForumsDiscussion Forum → So there's this girl I'm confused by...[WARNING: LONG POST]
123456
So there's this girl I'm confused by...[WARNING: LONG POST]
2013-11-04, 3:14 PM #1
Wow, good to see this site is still going. I remember back in the day people would post about girl problems, but I never was able to do one on my own... now I can. So below is a long story for your enjoyment.


--THE GIRL WITH THE INTRIGUING QUIRKINESS--
So I started talking to this (slightly older) girl on a dating site back in September. I remember not thinking much of her other than probably friendship material. She was quirky, fun, and we shared some common ground. The latter was really nice because the last person I was with... we had none of that (yeah not making that mistake of only going for super hot looks again). What's interesting about this girl was that she came off as a super confident person online, but apparently she isn't offline. Nevertheless, I liked the fact that she kind of already established base that she wanted to meet and do things with me.

Eventually she left the site(as did I) and we traded numbers at the end of the month. We started texting each other, and it was nice. I don't really have many people to text (or talk to for that matter) so it was mostly her. Again, her confidence was surprising because she directly stated that she thought I was cute, found my facial structure attractive, and complimented me on my body. Weirdest thing was her texting "Sweet dreams, love" on the first night I texted her. I thought she was one of those "nickname using" types, but she never use them with me again.
I did notice that one day she was very curt and short with her text messages like something was bothering her. It certainly will reemerge in the future...



--SHENIGANS WITH MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE--
So I went on my first date with her on 9/28. It was kind of an awkward first meeting.... I walked right past her not noticing who she was until she called me out. Truth of the matter was that when I initially saw her, I was like "Wow, that girl's cute" (even though I'm not a fan of her dredds) and continued on my way then realized "Is she noticing me" from my peripheral vision. Anyhow, there was an awkward silence as we stood in front of each other before we head inside. I thought about hugging or shaking her hand to greet her, but I felt embarrassed so told her to head inside.


During our dinner, I could sense that she was shy. That online confidence was certainly not there, but she gradually became more comfortable and relaxed throughout the night. I took care of the check because I told her she was the first person who I have ever met from the Internet. We talked after dinner for like 45 minutes before we left for the night. I remember her standing there awkwardly after we said our goodbyes until I told her to come over and we hugged. She was quick to suggest that we meet again at her place when I asked that maybe we'll do this again some time.
We continued texting each other until the next week. She was open with what she's up to for the most part. Still there was a day or two where she was very curt and short with messages, giving off this vibe like she's bothered by something.



--IF YOU SERVE FROZEN PIZZA ON A SECOND DATE, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME--
10/6, I met her at her place. It was.... disappointing. She was unprepared. The place was a mess. She didn't exactly made anything other than frozen pizza. I also forgotten that she smokes (usually a deal killer for me) from the ash tray I saw in her room. To top it off, she fell asleep right next to me on her bed, while we were watching a show. Oh and I ended up chasing her cat in front of her house when I left.


I almost didn't want to date her again after this. But when I think about it, I realized that the experience wasn't too bad mostly because I was still able to spend time with her. She was much more relaxed - much more talkative and was in touching distance when she fell asleep. I decided a first date was needed to be more conclusive on where this will go with her.


I hand-wrote a letter to her before I left. Nothing big, just wishing her a good night and thanking her for dinner (even though it was subpar). Surprisingly she kept it longer than I thought, asking me the next day if I was left-handed due to my handwriting.



--FLIRTEXTING--
So days past and we resumed our texting. We flirted a bit with each other. On a night where she had trouble sleeping, I teased her that maybe she needed a certain someone to lay right beside her and she went "X3, that might help, lol." She also called me adorable some times and went "aww" when I said something like her being my favorite distraction.


Her mind also apparently went to the gutter a bit more. For instance, when she said she preferred "alternative methods of working out" and then realized "damned that sounded dirty, lol." Another time when she said she would teach me to drive stick, I mentioned "if I had a stick, I certainly would let you show me how to use it." I didn't realize the innuendo until she pointed it out and she had some fun with it.



--TELLING SOMEONE I CARE AND RUSTLED JIMMIES-
At this point, I didn't really made any plans to meet her because I wanted her to take the initiative for once. Yet she never did, so midway in October I noticed that she was having one of those days where she seemed bothered. At this point, I told her that I care about her well-being and don't see her as just someone to fool around with (not in that way!). She replies with "I'm not entirely certain how to respond to that :/".... WTF?


We resumed texting, but I was becoming aggravated with how she didn't seem to initiate plans for another meet despite her saying she wanted to see me again. I sent her a passive aggressive text and was blunt with her - I felt that the effort has been one sided and that it was hard to make plans with her sometimes because she didn't want to be bothered at times.


Guess she thought I was mad at her because she became a little bit more relaxed after I apologized. She resumed texting me (just to note she's phone phobic). I started talking about how I've been seeing this one blonde. She immediately kept on asking who it was even though I thought she would realize I was talking about her. Once I told her that she was the only girl I'm interested in. She went "*blush. I don't know what to say."


She's starting to have more days where she was bothered by something. But on other days, we were talking like the good old times. Things take quite a turn when 10/23 rolled along....



--NOT SURE IF I SHOULD TRY DATING, BUT I REALLY LIKE YOU--
One night I asked how she was doing and she responded with "same as usual." She went on to elaborate without giving any details except that it's "bad usually." I inquired why and she said "just personal stuff." All of a sudden she told me she doesn't think she should be dating and don't think the two of us will work out on the long term, but she "really likes me so it's weird." Moreover, she told me not to make her feel guilty for being honest and that she felt like an ass.


She told me she wanted to spend time with me once more and "say stuff in person if she still felt that way." She divulged that she really likes knowing me and will be sad if I don't want her to. I question why I wouldn't want to see her, and she told me most people don't want to see her if she's not interested in dating. I replied I still want to and she was happy.



--SHE'S STILL FEELING THE COLD.... MOSTLY WITH HER FEET--
We made plans earlier on seeing each other on 10/27. On the night before the 27th, I asked how much better she felt compared to the last time we talked (in reference to her health because of a cold earlier in the week) and she told me, "Different. I just don't want you to waste your time." I told her I was referring to her health and that I'm certainly not wasting time. She went "Aww."


Sunday came around and she mentioned, "I don't think today is good." Becoming aggravated, I told her I'm not going to ask "why," but will instead say that I'm free every night for the rest of the week. She responded saying she will shoot me a message when she "gets things settled."


Didn't get any messages so four days later I texted that I hope she was doing okay and that she was within my thoughts. She told me she was "so-so" and thanked me. Also told me that the month has been rough on her and she appreciated me. Surprisingly, she responded well when I told her I would hug her right now if I could.



--FROM HONESTY TO FRUSTRATION TO FRUSTRATED HONESTY--
I made some chit-chat with her yesterday. At the end of the night, I revealed to her that I felt like she has been trying to avoid me and have been more shy and reluctant lately. She replied telling me she wasn't avoiding me and said some of the things I say make her feel awkward.


I mentioned I felt like I'm possibly being played and whether or not she has been true to her words. She told me she will never be dishonest with me and wasn't playing around. Apparently she is trying to get to know me and figuring out how we interact together. However, she was uncertain about some things.


I told her I've been trying to figure things out as well and feel that a live meeting is best since things of this importance shouldn't be done over text. I once again stated that I can open up my schedule easily and it all depends on her, but professed that's where I feel uncertain.



--EPILOGUE: SHERLOCK HOLMES MODE ENGAGED--
The biggest question I'm pondering is what are these "personal issues" and "things" that need to be settled? I imagine that they're related to the days where she is bothered by something, but won't tell me. An ex she can't get over with? Another guy? Depression?


I recall seeing a picture of her draping her arms around a guy that was in her bedroom. Perhaps she was in a long term relationship with this guy, but he died in a car accident? I mention car accident because I do wonder what caused her to sell off her car five years ago and then moved completely in September. The love for scotch plus smoking, trouble with sleeping, inability to be open, social anxiety (though that has more to do with her childhood experiences from what I gathered), sleeping issues, feelings of loneliness despite seemingly having a lot of friends - can it all be related I wonder.


But yeah, I'm not really sure what to make of this girl or if I should bother caring about her. If anything, caring about her seemed like the wrong way to go about it in the first place despite how she has grown on me. A shame though because I really do feel like this girl may has potential. Besides, she introduced me to Attack on Titan.



tl;dr: I gone out with a girl twice, but a few weeks after she's a lot more distant, shy, bothered, and reticent. I like this girl, but at the same time am frustrated and not sure if I should even continue to bother.
2013-11-04, 3:32 PM #2
>>10/6, I met her at her place. It was.... disappointing. She was unprepared. The place was a mess. She didn't exactly made anything other than frozen pizza. I also forgotten that she smokes (usually a deal killer for me) from the ash tray I saw in her room. To top it off, she fell asleep right next to me on her bed, while we were watching a show.

Frozen pizza, dreads, no fuss, no pretensions, falling asleep next to you. She sounds like my kind of girl. :) :) :)


I'd rather have a real person treat me like who I am instead of some "King" that came over to visit zomg. I guess I kind of get where you're coming from, and you certainly "knew" her online so maybe you were just dissapointed in your expectations?


>> Surprisingly she kept it longer than I thought, asking me the next day if I was left-handed due to my handwriting.


Ha.


>>We resumed texting, but I was becoming aggravated with how she didn't seem to initiate plans for another meet despite her saying she wanted to see me again. I sent her a passive aggressive text and was blunt with her - I felt that the effort has been one sided and that it was hard to make plans with her sometimes because she didn't want to be bothered at times.


Maybe if the effort was one-sided, she just wasn't all that into you after meeting you IRL?


>>Guess she thought I was mad at her because


Guessing is useless. Do not assume. :) Good thing you apologized.


>>One night I asked how she was doing and she responded with "same as usual." She went on to elaborate without giving any details except that it's "bad usually." I inquired why and she said "just personal stuff." All of a sudden she told me she doesn't think she should be dating and don't think the two of us will work out on the long term, but she "really likes me so it's weird." Moreover, she told me not to make her feel guilty for being honest and that she felt like an ass.


Should've asked her what's bothering her and if you could help if you care about her.


>>The biggest question I'm pondering is what are these "personal issues" and "things" that need to be settled? I imagine that they're related to the days where she is bothered by something, but won't tell me. An ex she can't get over with? Another guy? Depression?


Read my previous comment.


>>Perhaps she was in a long term relationship with this guy, but he died in a car accident?


What car accident? Are you stoned? :D :D :D


>>I mention car accident because I do wonder what caused her to sell off her car five years ago and then moved completely in September


Sherlock Cloud much? Do not assume.


>>The love for scotch plus smoking, trouble with sleeping, inability to be open, social anxiety (though that has more to do with her childhood experiences from what I gathered), sleeping issues, feelings of loneliness despite seemingly having a lot of friends - can it all be related I wonder.


I love scotch + smoking.
I've trouble with sleeping (more or less).
I don't like talking about myself too much unless I'm talking to close friends.
You mentioned sleeping issues already.
Feeling of loneliness? Maybe she just needs someone who understands her? Hmm? :)


WHAT NOT TO DO BASED ON THE ABOVE: if I were her, and you'd tell me you disapproved of weed, I'd never text you again. :) Em. Right.


MORALE OF MY ANALYSIS:
think about other people first
yourself later :)
peace & love
幻術
2013-11-04, 3:34 PM #3
WHAT YEAR IS IT
2013-11-04, 3:35 PM #4
Originally posted by saberopus:
WHAT YEAR IS IT


2013
幻術
2013-11-04, 3:35 PM #5
HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP
幻術
2013-11-04, 3:59 PM #6
.
2013-11-04, 6:34 PM #7
How have you not aged at all?
TAKES HINTS JUST FINE, STILL DOESN'T CARE
2013-11-04, 6:46 PM #8
Originally posted by Cloud:
Big block of text


Probably won't find the time to read your post, Cloud. But perhaps it's supple material for the purpose of inspiring Koobie to write some more fiction?
2013-11-04, 6:49 PM #9
Originally posted by saberopus:
WHAT YEAR IS IT


In the year two thoouuussaannddd... and thirteen.

Quote:
I'd rather have a real person treat me like who I am instead of some "King" that came over to visit zomg. I guess I kind of get where you're coming from, and you certainly "knew" her online so maybe you were just dissapointed in your expectations?


I wasn't expected to be treated like a king, but some effort would be nice. She said she would cook and was rather confident in it. It's almost like she panicked or something when I showed up with the "Crap, lol" when I she asked what my ETA was. I also planned to surprise her with Tiramitsu, but unfortunately it was late and all the nearby stores was closed. I recall admitting that to her and she went "aww."

Quote:
Maybe if the effort was one-sided, she just wasn't all that into you after meeting you IRL?


Don't know. She texted me right right when you wake up with a "ZzzZzzz." Also apologized for her cat and falling asleep on me when I told her I was disappointed by it since I wanted to do more stuff with her (get your minds out of the gutter). And like I said, she was rather receptive to flirtation afterwards.

Quote:
Should've asked her what's bothering her and if you could help if you care about her.


She's extremely tight-lipped about it. If anything, saying "I care about you and just want to see you content" made things worse given her "I don't know what to say to that :/." It's like she's afraid of her own feelings or something.

[/SIZE]
Quote:
Feeling of loneliness? Maybe she just needs someone who understands her? Hmm? :)


Yeah through texting only apparently.

Quote:
if I were her, and you'd tell me you disapproved of weed, I'd never text you again. :) Em. Right.


I would be the first to dismiss you. When I say smoke, I'm talking about cigarettes. She doesn't do drugs. Deal killer if she does considering the horrid experience with the last person I was with.

Quote:
MORALE OF MY ANALYSIS:
think about other people first
yourself later :)
peace & love


I think about her a little bit too much at times to be honest. Didn't realize how much she grew on me until she suddenly went through whatever bothered her.
[/SIZE]

[/SIZE]
2013-11-04, 6:52 PM #10
Originally posted by Roger Spruce:
How have you not aged at all?


Whoa, we both joined Massassi back in August 1999.... I was only twelve at that time.
2013-11-04, 7:33 PM #11
.
2013-11-04, 7:39 PM #12
I think Reid's evaluation was a little harsh, I really don't think you messed up at all. That said, I think you've made it clear how you felt, maybe she is just looking for something different.

I don't feel that I'm qualified to give dating advice but if I was in your situation, I would stop txt'ing and see if she feels motivated to take the initiative and keep the relationship going. Maybe she just does need a few days to workout something.

Also I'm curious which dating site this was, just because some of them have different reputations for things like longterm partners vs quick hookup ect. If you don't want to reveal it, that's fine I can understand why you might not want to say.
My favorite JKDF2 h4x:
EAH XMAS v2
MANIPULATOR GUN
EAH SMOOTH SNIPER
2013-11-04, 8:24 PM #13
.
2013-11-04, 8:36 PM #14
.
2013-11-04, 9:33 PM #15
Ask yourself whether she would react positively or negatively were you to sneak into her place, turn on the computer, open this thread, and leave.

Then you will have your answer.
2013-11-04, 9:38 PM #16
Or something.
2013-11-04, 11:34 PM #17
Did you ask her directly what's bothering her? Not "I care about you", but "What's bothering you?"

All this guessing usually just forms the wrong ideas in your head.
Sorry for the lousy German
2013-11-05, 1:52 AM #18
she doesn't like you.

also, she's confrontation-averse, so she's stringing you along until you hopefully lose interest on your own.

also, she wanted the D at the end of your first date, and instead she got the A, so that's when she checked out on you.

(N.B.: the A stands for aspergers.)


if you're the same age as the rest of us, you're closing on thirty. It's time to sit down with an older man you respect and talk about women. I'm not saying you won't still have the same problems - confidence and social intelligence are hard, you have to work at them just like anything else - but at the very least you shouldn't be so bothered when a girl has mentally discarded you after one date.

and yea, you only went on one date. the "****ty effortless food, didn't even clean up, didn't wash myself or put on makeup" indoor safari wasn't a date, it was a non-confrontational person's way of telling you that you aren't worth any amount of effort.

argh.
2013-11-05, 2:00 AM #19
the super great thing is that after the last 10 years of whittling down the truly awful posters on this forum, there aren't any malignant harpies left to say

NO JON`C ET AL YOU ARE LIARS AND ALSO UGLY, SHE LOVES CLOUD DEEPLY AND IS PROBABLY JUST AFRAID OF WHAT HER FEELINGS MEAN. CLOUD NEEDS TO GIVE HER TIME, LIKE LOTS OF TIME, AND ALSO TEXT HER LOVE POETRY CONSTANTLY BECAUSE THAT WILL SURELY PULL HER FROM HER MALAISE AND DEFINITELY NOT RESULT IN A RESTRAINING ORDER. I KNOW ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I AM A GIRL WHO HOPES TO SOMEDAY ALSO RECEIVE LOVE POETRY FROM A MAN, ANY MAN, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHO.

SINCERELY,
MIRGARLAEVIXOR

so hopefully the posts telling you to move on will have sufficiently raised the signal to noise ratio beyond where it did back in 2002 where these kinds of threads really should have stayed.
2013-11-05, 4:04 AM #20
幻術
2013-11-05, 6:40 AM #21
Mirgarlaevixor makes some valid points.
My favorite JKDF2 h4x:
EAH XMAS v2
MANIPULATOR GUN
EAH SMOOTH SNIPER
2013-11-05, 7:32 AM #22
>>Yeah through texting only apparently.

Perhaps she doesn't think you're someone who can understand her. From what you've posted so far, it certainly seems this way. :)

>>I would be the first to dismiss you. When I say smoke, I'm talking about cigarettes. She doesn't do drugs. Deal killer if she does considering the horrid experience with the last person I was with.

Did you ask her? Her dreads are just for show? Cigarettes are MUCH MUCH MUCH less healthy than marijuana in case you didn't know, heh.

Ask her if she smokes weed. If she says that she does (or sometimes does), DISMISS HER because she obviously doesn't deserve you.

uhn tiss uhn tiss uhn tiss baby
幻術
2013-11-05, 9:22 AM #23
WHY AREN'T I'M USING AT THESE PICTURES
If you think the waiters are rude, you should see the manager.
2013-11-05, 12:33 PM #24
If you want to find out how she feels about her, just try and kiss her. you will probably find out fairly quickly if she is into you or not.

or if you want to be passive about it, just stop texting her. or, you know... ASK.
Welcome to the douchebag club. We'd give you some cookies, but some douche ate all of them. -Rob
2013-11-05, 12:55 PM #25
Jon`C is the only one posting anything sensible in this thread.
>>untie shoes
2013-11-05, 1:33 PM #26
.
2013-11-05, 2:29 PM #27
Michael MacFarlane is the only one posting anything sensible in this thread.
Except maybe that he misspelled "LOOKING" as "USING," but that's OK.
It happens.
幻術
2013-11-05, 2:45 PM #28
.
2013-11-05, 2:45 PM #29
Quote:
I mentioned "if I had a stick, I certainly would let you show me how to use it." I didn't realize the innuendo until she pointed it out and she had some fun with it.


What? No

Quote:
I told her that I care about her well-being and don't see her as just someone to fool around with (not in that way!)


Oh god

Just listen to Jon, okay?
"it is time to get a credit card to complete my financial independance" — Tibby, Aug. 2009
2013-11-05, 8:29 PM #30
Cloud, there are some valuable lessons in this thread that you should take to heart re: the way you interact with other people. I won't belabor those. However, I will absolutely reemphasize the most important lesson here: There are some people you are simply not romantically compatible with, and you'll be much better off if you learn to recognize when this is the case roughly as quickly as they do.

Originally posted by Koobie:
Michael MacFarlane is the only one posting anything sensible in this thread.
Except maybe that he misspelled "LOOKING" as "USING," but that's OK.
It happens.


You may be missing a key reference. Which is okay, because I'm probably the only one who remembers it.
If you think the waiters are rude, you should see the manager.
2013-11-06, 4:53 PM #31
You are super lonely and desperate. Girl was never into you btw. Learn to read the (extremely obvious) signs before you get tased bro. Not the end of the world. Simmer down with the literary analysis on every single word girls say in their texts and the creeptastic stalker tendencies. You need to rub one out or hire a hooker and move on. Also maybe a busier life.
2013-11-06, 5:32 PM #32
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2013-11-06, 6:01 PM #33
Gonna have to agree with ragna and Reid, too.

To use an anecdote to support their statements, I will speak about my ladyfriend. She and I get along fantastically, and have literally never had a fight of any kind. I believe a core component to this happiness is that we have the ability to leave each other the hell alone. We at least speak on the phone on a daily basis, but we don't spend our entire lives bombarding one another with text messages and **** like that.

Hell, since I've had this horrendous case of bronchitis we haven't even seen each other. She doesn't want to catch it, and I don't want her to catch it. It doesn't present a problem at all.

Basically what I'm saying is this: You will know when you've found a woman you are compatible with, because you won't have to ask anyone to explain anything to you.
>>untie shoes
2013-11-06, 7:27 PM #34
Anyone thinking of asking for advice (about anything) here at Massassi should read this thread first.
My favorite JKDF2 h4x:
EAH XMAS v2
MANIPULATOR GUN
EAH SMOOTH SNIPER
2013-11-06, 8:03 PM #35
Originally posted by Darth_Alran:
If you want to find out how she feels about her, just try and kiss her.

FFS don't ever do this, anyone. Ask someone before touching them. If they want you to kiss them, they'll be happy you asked and won't mind that you asked. If they don't want you to, they'll be very happy you asked, and won't mind that you asked. If you kiss them and they didn't want you to, they're going to be ****ing pissed. Consent is important and "being assertive" by just touching, kissing, or anything else is a terrible idea.
Bassoon, n. A brazen instrument into which a fool blows out his brains.
2013-11-06, 8:27 PM #36
Originally posted by ragna:
Girl was never into you btw.


See, I don't know about this. I think we have evidence that says the girl was mildly interested in him before she got to know him well enough. Afterward, of course, all interest died, and that's the real problem.

Cloud, it's been said already, but volunteer for a cause you think is important. You'll meet like-minded people (some of whom will be women!), you'll have something interesting about yourself to share with people you've just met (including women!), but most importantly, you'll have spent your time (hopefully) making the world better instead of mooning over women you can't have.
If you think the waiters are rude, you should see the manager.
2013-11-06, 8:29 PM #37
And Jesus Christ this seriously, this is if anything wildly understated

Originally posted by Emon:
Consent is important
If you think the waiters are rude, you should see the manager.
2013-11-06, 8:32 PM #38
Holy hell I got a lot more replies than I think I would especially with super long post. While I think some of the ad hominem attacks are harsh, I won't argue with the obsession part when things took a change. If she were really just looking for sex, then that was going to be tough because I wasn't really that sexually attractive to her (though my ex was a different story). My attraction for her grew more so from her personality. Well either way, I'm just moving on now like the rest of you mention.
2013-11-06, 9:58 PM #39
Originally posted by Michael MacFarlane:
Cloud, it's been said already, but volunteer for a cause you think is important. You'll meet like-minded people (some of whom will be women!), you'll have something interesting about yourself to share with people you've just met (including women!), but most importantly, you'll have spent your time (hopefully) making the world better instead of mooning over women you can't have.

Ordinarily I'm a big proponent of online dating, you can cut a lot of the BS from traditional dating that way. It's wonderful. But it really sounds like Cloud would benefit from the social development of meeting people through this kind of activity. Just don't go in with the mindset that you're looking for a partner, otherwise you won't enjoy yourself and you'll come off awkward.
Bassoon, n. A brazen instrument into which a fool blows out his brains.
2013-11-07, 10:21 AM #40
Reid is right on the money. Cloud, while it may seem like he is dissing you, I think his creep-calling was because he wants you to actually wake up and get it, since it seems like you were pretty oblivious.

Girls who are into you don't act distantly and put no effort into you coming over for the first time. You didn't see this, so Reid is trying to get your attention so that you don't continue pursuing this girl and so you don't have the same mistakes in the future.

Also:

Originally posted by Jon`C:
she wanted the D at the end of your first date, and instead she got the A, so that's when she checked out on you.

(N.B.: the A stands for aspergers.)


:awesome: lolololololololol
It took a while for you to find me; I was hiding in the lime tree.
123456

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