Pengwyn: And when did I become helmsman?

------------------
"Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."

There is a slashing noise, and the grate covering the air-duct blasts open. A large man falls into the room, a cloud of dust following after. Quickly standing up he looks around innocently, "So uhh, is this the place where all the cool people are meating? Anyways, my name is Gohan... You know, the famous fighter pilot?"

<OOC note> Is this the REAL Gohan? Or is it just an imposter?!

*In a typical English study somewhere on the ship, Halcyon is sitting in a large chair*

Halcyon: I'd like to apologise for ruining this story, and I'm going to do whatever I can to fix it, and in order to do this I have decided to kill the one character who has single-handedly created all of these 'plot holes'.

Jagged Conscience: Not if I kill you first!

*Jagged Conscience walks into the room to canned cheers*

Halcyon: Damn you Jagged, suicide was so much more honourable than being shot by your alter ego typey thing/

Missus Jupiton: How many of you are there based on the same person?

Jagged Conscience: I'll handle this one, I'm the alternate personality of Tristan, who created this mess, and I'm generally evil. This is Halcyon, a pathetic attempt at a Jedi Knight editor, and there's also a Tri-Stone who is dressed like Zaphod Beeblebrox but has eight wives, and possibly nine if I don't take care of this mess.

Tristan Snowsill: Hey man, I had artistic licence (spelling?), and the fact that there are now 3 characters based on me means that it will be harder to kill me off.

*Jagged Conscience produces a gun and shoots Tristan Snowsill, causing canned cheering*

Halcyon: Is that physically possible, I thought we were all just a figm-

*Jagged Conscience shoots Halcyon and even more cheering can be heard.*

Missus Jupiton: My hero!

Jagged Conscience: And now to kill Tri-Stone, and end up the hero!

*The volume control on the canned laughter has been turned up to maximum volume.*

*On the bridge, Tri-Stone has returned with Krathyn to battle it out with 0, perhaps Jagged Conscience wont need to kill him...*

O: You cannot defeat me, and you definately can't take control of this quadrant. [He pulls out a seemingly harmless rabbit from his pocket]

Tri-Stone: You think a rabbit can defeat me?

O: Didn't you ever see Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

*The rabbit leaps out of O's hand and towards Tri-Stone. Jagged Conscience, desperate not to be outdone by the lord of the universe, pulls out a gun and in an attempt to kill Tri-Stone, accidentally shoots the rabbit in mid-air. He shoots again and manages to kill Tri-Stone once and for all*

Sran: Get this rabbit to sick bay!

*KiteiodTurrastie rushes to take the rabbit to the brig, but after discovering that the ship did not have one, took it to sick bay where Major Tom and both Dr. Gehbocks were lying. The real Dr. Gehbock wakes up.*

Dr. Gehbock: Oh my God! A poor dying rabbit! Oh yeh, and Major Tom has also been shot.

*Missus Jupiton walks in*

Dr. Gehbock: Helloooo nurse! [she slaps him] Thanks, I needed that.

Missus Jupiton: Look doctor, this is the rabbit of O, the lord of the universe, he needs to live or we'll all die!

*With dreadful difficulty, Dr. Gehbock, after complaining about being a doctor not a vet, managed to restore the rabbit to a healthy stable condition.*

*Everybody has returned tp the bridge*

Sarn: There's no one here! Cut to the bridge!

*Cut to the bridge*

O: Thank you Dr. Gehbock, in return for saving my rabbit, I grant you this sector, and here is the paperwork.

Dr. Gehbock: That's just a piece of paper with 'I own this quadrant' on it!

*O apologises and gives him the real paperwork.*

Jagged Conscience: You know what guys? I'm really sorry for what my alter egos have done to this story, but if you can find it in your hearts to forgive me and accept me as one of your own, then we shall have truly discovered the true meaning of two wrongs making a right. I hope my execution of Tristan, Tri-Stone and Halcyon will go in my favour.

Missus Jupiton: But I loved him!

Sran: That's quite enough MissusJupiton, you may return to your post.

*Missus Jupiton rolls her eyes. Jagged Conscience walks over to her.*

Jagged Conscience: I'm so sorry, I had no idea that someone with such bad taste could mean so much to you, and I don't know how I could make it up to you. Perhaps I could take you out for dinner sometime?

*Has Jagged Conscience really solved all of the problems his alter egos created? Will the beautiful Missus Jupiton be lured into yet another man's power? What of the fake Dr. Gehbock? Find out soon... OK, Please Don't Kill ME!!!! ::Gunshot:: Ghargh, my arm!
Will I ever recover from this grievous injury? Find out soon...*

[PS. Tracer - I wish, but only occaisionally]

*Somewhere else...*

Wass: Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahahaha!

Yvul_Jaraf: Do you mind? I'm trying to work here. It's hard enough to concentrate already without you laughing like that in my ear.

Wass: Listen, Jaz, what's wrong. You haven't quite been yourself after that little incident with that nefarious Captain Cat-swill.

Yvul_Jaraf: I told you not to call me that, dammit! And you don't get cat swill - it's pig swill! Is that another stick up your sleeve!

Wass: Listen, man. Calm down! Now - if this is about that silly girl -

Yvul_Jaraf: She's not silly -

*Wass interrupts him with a glare*

Wass: ...that silly girl, she's probably already fallen in love with some guy with eight wives and claims to own an entire quadrant. And when this guy gets killed she'll probably straight away accept a dinner date off the guy who shot him!

Yvul_Jaraf: How on earth did you come up with that?

Wass: Shh, don't tell anyone - I read the script!

Yvul_Jaraf: Hmmm, well okay. I'll get on with some interest calculations shall I?

Wass: That's my economic mercenary.

*With the threat of Wass and Yvul_Jaraf firmly back in the writer's minds, will Captain Cadpill stop picking up random characters and get back to the chase? Will MissusJupiton ever find a man and stick with him? Will SpandexX ever finish securing his securables? You know the only way to find out...*

The suposed Goham walks aimlessly down the halls of the ship, wondering where everyone is....

Dr. Gehbock: Woohoo! I own a quadrant!

*Goham walks onto the bridge, and sees Hambot...*

Goham: HAMBOT!!!! Talk to me Hambot, speak to me! Make random beeps and generally be annoying!

All: ...

Goham: I am Goham, and I am the best pilot in the galaxy!

Sran: But Hambot said you were dead!

SpandexX: Most wonderfully remembered, any lesser man would have forgotten by now!

MissusJupiton: I don't know how much further up you can suck!

*Jagged Conscience is about to make a very rude comment about 'just below the belt', but decides not to on the grounds that he is attempting to get a date with Missus Jupiton*

Sran: Just because you're jealous that SpandexX has achieved a higher rank than you through hard work, effort, courage-

MissusJupiton: -Feet kissing, ***(*) kissing.

Sran: You're getting dangerously close to the brig young lady!

KiteiodTurrastie: The BRIG!

Sran: Is there an echo in here?

Sran's Echo: Is there an echo in here?

Sran: Does anything else echo?

Sran's Echo: No

KiteiodTurrastie: The BRIG!

Sran: Ah yes, SpandexX, 3 days in the brig!

SpandexX: But I didn't do anything wrong!

Sran: Insubordination? Not following orders?

Dr. Gehbock: As I own this quadrant, I make the rules!

Sran: More insubordination?!

MissusJupiton: Why don't we just turn the bridge into the brig, seeing as we'll all end up there sooner or later and the spelling isn't that different.

Jagged Conscience: You're so intelligent [he looks lovingly into her eyes] could I take you to dinner?

MissusJupiton: I said I'll think about it!

Jagged Conscience: No you didn't!

MissusJupiton: I was cut off by the announcer!

Jagged Conscience: Ok honey, let's not argue at all eh?

MissusJupiton: [in a cheerier mood] OK then!

*Their heads move closer together, their hearts are racing, their lips are almost touching...*

MissusJupiton: Hey wait a second! We're not going out with each other yet!

*Jagged Conscience shows a slight look of pain on his face, but then it brightens up...*

Jagged Conscience: 'Yet'?

MissusJupiton: I'll think about it!

Goham: ::cough:: Erm, I was dead was I?

O: According to HamHog, but then, you're also alive according to HamHog... Being the lord or the universe can be really confusing!

*Was there any real point in this post? Will the beautiful MissusJupiton accept a date with Jagged Conscience? What of Goham?*

MissusJupiton turns from all the others, facing Goham. "Hey, what are you doing here?! I thought we promised never to see each other ever again!"

Goham: Uhh...Uhhh. Right. But I didn't know-

MissusJupiton: Shut up!

Goham: *feeling a pout coming onto his pudgy features* "Okay..."

(i love this thread, its funny, could you put my name in and have me be pengwyyn's evil cyborg clone, Penguet Ernaluin, o and i mispelled funny when i started to write this, so could you make a person with the name fnuny, it just sounds so fnuny!)

------------------
The Eternal Penguin has awoken, but he was shot with some tranquilizers, so what are ya gunna do?

I think the main people have given up on this thread...it was funny before, but now it just doesn't make sense.

Did I ruin it? Terribly sorry if I did...

Nah, you didn't ruin it, but your posts brought out some of the errors that were made in the beginning...

heh, well... I would post if I knew what was going on.

Suddenly, the main screen turns on, and an evil looking man that looks like a robotic penguin appears on the screen.

Fnuny_Penguin: How are you gentle men?

Goham: It is you.

Fnuny_Penguin: All your base are belong to us.

Remnants of Hambot: What you say?

(the rest of the 'all your base are belong to us move thingy going on now)

*Large rocket is seen on the screen, hurtling toward the ship....*

BUM BUM BUM!!!!

*Our heroes are battling to return the plot to some semblance of order, but a huge missile is heading towards the ship!*

MissusJupiton: Sir, can I suggest we assemble the crew in the transporter room?

Sran: Err, I assume you have a plan MJ?

MissusJupiton: Yessir, but don't let on to everyone else.

Sran: Right, ok then. *Louder* Right, I need an emergency meeting with my crew. Errr, how about transporter room three?

SpandexX: Excellent meeting venue, sir!

MissusJupiton: Err, this ship only has two transporter rooms, sir.

Sran: Ah, right, room two then.

*Sran, SpandexX, MissusJupiton, KiteiodTurrastie, lerdvedder, Zangordo, Pengwyn, Dr. Gehbock and Tra'cer convene in Transporter Room Two.*

Sran: Right, MJ, what's your plan?

MissusJupiton: Well, as we all know, there is a missile on the way to destroy this ship, and the shields won't be able to stop it. However, floating in space just next to us is a fully fueled ship with no-one on board - Tri-Stone's ship!

Sran: Right, but we won't fit all the ensigns on, and then who's going to die instead of us?

MissusJupiton: The writers have hardly found a lack of ensigns a problem before...

Sran: Okay, this is what we're actually going to do. As we all know, there is a missile on the way to destroy this ship, and the shields won't be able to stop it. However, floating in space just next to us is a fully fueled ship with no-one on board - Tri-Stone's ship!

SpandexX: Excellent plan, sir!

MissusJupiton: Hey...

Sran: Don't take this personally, MJ. Your plan was good, but mine was better.

MissusJupiton: It was exactly the same plan!! Word for word!

*The ship formerly belonging to Tri-Stone suddenly powers up it's engines and leaps through the stars, as the huge missile utterly destroys Sran's previous ship...*

Sran: Right, let's try to take more care of this ship, okay?

MissusJupiton: Sir! Receiving a transmission from Turra! The economy is going haywire there, and they received a message from Wass, stating that unless the entire race submits to a life of slavery, the economy will continue to sink until the entire planet is broke!

Sran: Hmm, damn that Yvul_Jaraf. If only we'd had Space Invaders this could have been avoided. Very well, set a course for Turra. We'll find Wass before the economy is totally destroyed, but this time, we'll do it right *Take Charge gesture*

SpandexX: Set course for Turra!

MissusJupiton: Can't we just press the button for once?

SpandexX: Secure all securables!

*The ship sets off towards Turra, and a confrontation with Wass. Will they make it in time? Will the story stay on track now all non-crew personnel have been destroyed by a huge missile? Only time will tell...*

(Wow, I must say I'm impressed, Evil_Giraffe)

*When we last left off, all the useless extras had been killed, and our heros were shooting towards Turra and a confrontation with Wass and Yvul_Jaraf*

Sran Cadpill: First Officer, SpandexX, report!

SpandexX: Ahh, excellent idea, sir. A report is just what we need, and that sounded really authoritive... Oh look at the time, I must be off to bed... G'night all.

*SpandexX walks out of the room*

Sran: ...

MissusJupiton: Sir, I'll report. All systems are running at peak effeciencies. Current speed is 5xLS (five times light speed). ETA to Turra, approximately 3 and a half days.

Sran: Ahh, thank you MJ. You may return to your post.

*MissusJupiton resists the urge to strangle the Captain*

Sran: Now then, what do we do on watch while the ship is in AB?

MissusJupiton: AB, sir?

Sran: Yeah, you know... AB. Atomic Blastoff.

MissusJupiton: ...Oh right... Ahh, clever.

Sran: Isn't it though? Except aren't you supposed to be cynical? That sucking up is usually SpandexX's job...

MissusJupiton: Well yes, but SpandexX can't even tie his shoes, so there's no way he's competent enough to handle this. I figured I'd take over for a bit, since I already do everything else around here.

Sran: What do you mean SpandexX can't tie his shoes? How does he get dressed in the morning?

MissusJupiton: One word: Velcro.

Sran: Ahh, right... So ahh, what do we do now?

MissusJupiton: Well, sir. You could go explore the new ship I suppose...

Sran: Hmm, that's a good idea. I think I'll go check the cargo manifests first...

*Captain Sran Cadpill walks out of the room*

*What dire things will Sran find in the cargo room? Will the crew escape the evil ruthless clutches of boredom? Find out next time*

[NSP: Someone mentioned this ol' thread in Gebohq's Alternative Stories thread, and I was inspired to resurrect it. Let's just try to take better care of the plot than Sran does his ships this time please?]

*Tri-Stone's ship continues its voyage back to Turra as Sran investigates the ship's hold. Suddenly his eye falls on a battered piece of plastic protuding from a pile of junk in a corner.*

Sran: (Muttering to himself) Is that what I think it is?

*Soon an excavation is underway, as the crew race to uncover the ancient gadget.*

lerdvedder: Cap'n, I dunnoo if I c'n do it for ye'. Y' have t'understand these are no' hardy electronic devices.

Sran: MJ?

MissusJupiton: He said it'll be touch and go whether he'll be able to fix it up.

Sran: lerdvedder, if you can work your magic on this, the war against Wass is practically won.

*As the ship comes into orbit around Turra, the Hemosopient homeworld, Sran looks proudly on as the damaged casing of a genuine arcade coin-op Space Invaders console is revealed. Will he be able to lure Yvul_Jaraf back to his side with the ultimate in retro chic? Will the plot survive as long as Sran's new ship? Only further episodes will tell...*

*On a far away ship, Jagged Conscience is sitting in the pilot's chair, watching on his long range sensors as the heroes struggle to fix the Space Invaders.*

Jagged Conscience: Oh they'll regret leaving me on that ship to die. Luckily me and the extras made it onto another nearby ship using the transporter in Transporter Room 1.
Ensign Bradley: Would you like us to atomic blast to them?
Jagged Conscience: Yes, I believe I would...

*A few minutes later Jagged Conscience is on board and has found the repair bay.*

Jagged Conscience: This threads back and so am I baby!
All: *Groan*
Jagged Conscience: So you like Space Invaders eh?
Sran: We don't just like it, we need it for the survival of the hemo-sapient race!
Jagged Conscience: It's kinda important then?
lerdvadder: Could we keep it down y'wee young'uns?
Jagged Conscience: Sorry...

*The seconds pass but they feel like hours. LerdVadder is sweating as he reassembles the arcade game. Even Goham has realised the severity of the situation.*

*SpandexX walks in, he's got his velcro jumpsuit on backwards and is trying to get the velcro to stick.*

SpandexX: Could somebody give me a hand with this?

*LerdVadder slips, driving his soldering iron straight through the processor, the game is dead.*

lerdvadder: Well that does nee bear well for mankind...
Sran: lerdvadder! 3 days in the brig!
lerdvadder: But it is nee my fault cap'n, t'was that eejit of a man SpandexX who can nee even use velcro
Sran: SpandexX, is this true?
SpandexX: Absolutely sir, without a shadow of a doubt, well spotted, wonderfully observed.
Zangordo: I haven't said much for the past 55 posts, so I will now offer my cryptic advice.

*Everybody turns to Zangordo*

Zangordo: Jagged Conscience is more yet less than what he seems, his third moon is rising and yet he has more assets than the sleeping tiger.
Sran: What?!
Zangordo: Well if you'd actually listened to what I said you'd have realised that Jagged Conscience has a copy of Space Invaders on him!

*Jagged Conscience splutters as everybody looks accusingly at him*

Jagged Conscience: Well what would I get in return?
Sran: GingeraleTesty
MissusJupiton: Hey, it's MissusJupiton, and we haven't even gone out for dinner yet!
KiteoidTurrastie: DINNER?! Oh no wait, BRIG?! No, it was dinner, but not yet.
Jagged Conscience: I don't want her anymore, in real life I've just got a girlfriend. Whatever, take the game, just make sure I get something good at the end of all this.

*It looks like our heroes may be saved now, and it also looks like a post has been made which has hardly any effect on the storyline whatsoever and has created no plot holes!*

[This message has been edited by halcyon (edited March 10, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by halcyon (edited March 11, 2002).]

That would be me...

I'll come up with something.

(NSP: I feel bad for saying this, but...I believe a sequel by Sarn himself was actually attempted. Look at the Alternative Stories thread in reference to what I mean.)

He did start a sequel, but it didn't go anywhere...

[NSP: Goham, Jagged Conscience and the rest of the randoms died when a missile blew up Sran's previous ship, therefore can't interfere with the story. Just a gentle reminder

Also, the sequel descendedinto stupidity after the third (approx) episode...]

*The crew are in orbit around Turra, with a functioning Space Invaders arcade machine with which to barter Yvul_Jaraf off with...*

Sran: So, who's got any bright ideas about how to find Wass?

*Suddenly, the ship is rocked by a huge explosion. The special effects team work overtime to produce lots of smoke and small explosions. The camera crew rock their cameras as the cast sway unconvincingly*

Sran: Report!

MissusJupiton: We appear to have been hit by a huge stick, sir.

Sran: Only one person I know attacks with sticks! But I thought nanny was just making those stories up...

MissusJupiton: Uhhh, Wass sir?

Sran: Oh yeah, him too. Where did that stick come from MJ?

MissusJupiton: The ship right infront of us, sir.

Sran: Ah right, okay. Open hailing frequencies.

MissusJupiton: (sighs) Okay, if you really must...

*MJ opens a communications link and the evil voice of Wass filters onto the bridge...*

Wass: Captain Pig-swill, what a pleasure...

*The voice of Yvul_Jaraf can be heard in the background*

Yvul_Jaraf: Dammit, just because you get pig swill, not cat swill, does NOT mean that calling him Pig-swill works either! Get those sticks out of your sleeve.

Wass: No, geroff.

*The sound of a struggle can be heard over the inter-comm.*

Sran: Riiiiight. Okay, MJ, cut the channel. Looks like we're going to need an away team. SpandexX, assemble an away team.

SpandexX: Assemble an away team!

MissusJupiton: Why don't we just go for once?

SpandexX: Secure all securables!

*Several hours later, Sran, SpandexX, MissusJupiton, KiteiodTurrastie, Tra'cer, Pengwynn and Ensign Ralph are assembled in the transporter room.*

Sran: Okay people, remember this is a dangerous situation. We're infiltrating an enemy stronghold, with a violent and psychopathic leader, who wouldn't hesitate to send us in a parcel back to the Forbidden Sector Amusement Park. Only one strategy will do in a situation like this...

MissusJupiton: You mean you six will mess about with fireteams while I go off and resolve the situation before you get to the end of the first corridor?

Sran: Bit more respect from you MJ. And Fireteams has got a capital 'F'. Okay, everyone ready?

*A shimmering noise in an unremarkable corridor somewhere on Wass' ship is followed by the materialisation of the seven crew members.*

MissusJupiton: Right, well I'm not going to hang around with you guys this time, even for the comedy value.

*MissusJupiton stalks off down the corridor.*

Sran: Typical of her. Right people, should anyone find MissusJupiton captured and tied up somewhere, saving her is NOT on your list of priorities. Fireteams then - Alpha will consist of myself, KiteiodTurrastie and Ensign Ralph. Beta will be led by SpandexX with Tra'cer and Pengwynn.

*The crew nod their understanding, and the two teams move forward slowly*

Sran: Alpha team! Move! Beta team! Move! ...

*Somewhere else on the ship, in a room littered with crossed out calculations, and walls covered in charts and graphs, a figure working is disturbed by the swish of an opening door...*

Yvul_Jaraf: What now. Can a guy not get any work... Gingerale?

MissusJupiton: Hey, that's MissusJupiton to you, sellout.

Yvul_Jaraf: I'm a mercenary. That's what mercenaries do.

MissusJupiton: Do you think of anything except money?

Yvul_Jaraf: Well, there's Space Invaders. And... um...

*Yvul_Jaraf starts fidgeting in his seat and goes bright red. He mumbles something incoherent.*

MissusJupiton: Deary me, you are distracted today, aren't you? *She sits down on the edge of Yvul's desk, which, if anything, serves to make him more distressed* Listen, Sran's got something to offer you. The original deal, except it's a real bona fida proper honest-to-goodness Space Invaders arcade machine.

*MissusJupiton had been sliding along the edge of the desk as she spoke, now she touches Yvul's arm in a reassuring manner. Yvul_Jaraf manages to knock his chair flying as he stands up in a fluster.*

Yvul_Jaraf: (Trying to act cool) Uhh, yeah ok, yeah, i guess, well, yeah, uhhh, shall we be going?

*MissusJupiton grabs Yvul's arm as they leave his office, as they head back towards Sran's ship to check out the Space Invaders and get started on erstoring Turra's economy.*

*Meanwhile, five minutes previously...*

Sran: Fireteam Alpha, go!

Wass: Not so fast fireteam alpha!

Sran: Hey! Fireteam has a capital 'F'!

*The Fireteams look to be locked into a deadly showdown with Wass. Will the infinite stupidity of Sran match the extreme clumsiness of Wass? Only one way to find out...*

I'm back (look at my earlier post), you can't get rid of me, you need me!

[This message has been edited by halcyon (edited March 11, 2002).]

*When we last left our heros, we were hoping they would never return, but now they do, in their climatic battle against Wass!*

Wass: Hahahaha! I have you now! Even with the assistance of my economic mercenary you will not save your pathetic race from my brand new weapon - The Ultimatrons!

*Suddenly the wall behind Wass crashes down and a ten-foot tall machine with chrome plating which glints in the light walks through...*

Wass: What have I told you about walking through the walls?! There was a perfectly good corridor you could have used! [To Sran] Hahahaha! There's nothing you can do to stop me!
Sran: Can I just ask why you're so hell bent on destroying our race?
Wass: [Looking slightly off, as if peering to the sky] It all started when I was just a boy... I was just coming home from the nearby fuel station when ...

*Three hours later*

Wass: ...And that's why I want to destroy your race! Wait a second, where have you gone?

*Our valiant crew has made a valiant escape and has lived to see the light of another day on their own bridge, but who knows what the next post will bring?*

It just won't die, despite the fact that Sarn stopped coming to Massassi...

Maybe I'll write something.

Well I don't think any of us were expecting that...

Must.... finish.... story....

*The crew mull around on the bridge, as they have done for the past 8 months. Jagged Conscience walks on, head hung low and clearly in a state of depression.*

Jagged Conscience: So what's going on today?
Sran Capdill: Nothing really... I wonder what's happened to Wass?
SpandexX: Well wasn't he trying to destroy our race?
Sran Capdill: Oh yeah... *This sinks in* ****!!!!! Atomic Blastoff to Turra immediately!
MissusJupiton: Yes sir.

*The hull judders and then we see the ship go into atomic blastoff.*

I'll leave it there and hope that someone else will add to it, so I don't screw it up. (Jagged Conscience is depressed because he's broken up with his girlfriend btw) (Not that it actually depressed me, I just think it would help the story evolve...)

Actually since no one will care where this story goes, I think I'll just continue by myself, no one else even caring...

*The ship pilfered by our heros somewhere along the line is racing towards Turra.*

Sran Capdill: **** it!! Can't this thing go any faster?!
SpandexX: Yes, sir, much faster.
Sran Capdill: What?!!
SpandexX: Sorry sir, no, we're at top speed and we've already made half the journey to Turra in the last 20 seconds.
Sran Capdill: Really? That's very good isn't it?
SpandexX: Very good, absolutely wonderful, unbelievably good, and very well observed sir.
Sran Capdill: It was rather wasn't it?
MissusJupiton: If I could interrupt this session of self praise, we have now arrived at Turra, and it looks like Wass is ready and waiting for us.
Sran Capdill: Open hailing frequencies.
MissusJupiton: Yes sir...

*Wass appears on screen.*

Wass: Ahh, Captain Cadrill.
Sran Capdill: That's Capdill to you, Captain Capdill.
Wass: Whatever, you are now here to witness the final destruction of your race!
Yvul_Jaraf: [Off screen] I still think you should have blown the damned planet up 8 months ago.
Missus Jupiton: You don't think that really, do you?
Yvul_Jaraf: [Off screen] *Spluttering* Well I er... no.. of course not... but I erm....
Wass: Shutup you fool! We need them here to witness the final destruction. It's no fun telling them we destroyed it if he turns up and the planet's gone.
Sarn Capdill: You diabolical... Close hailing frequencies! Lock onto Wass's ship!
Jagged Conscience: I have an idea.
Sarn Capdill: This is no time for heroics son, leave this to the professionals. Launch proton torpedos!
MissusJupiton: We don't have those sir.
Sarn Capdill: Well what do we have?
MissusJupiton: Concussion grenades, lasers, big bangy things.
Sarn Capdill: Well they worked in Star Wars, give them all we've got!!

*A dramatic space battle ensues. All the while Jagged Conscience is sulking in his chair.*

MissusJupiton: Erm, that's actually my chair.
Jagged Conscience: So what?
MissusJupiton: You seem a bit annoyed, is there anything I can do to help?
Jagged Conscience: Sit on my lap if it bothers you that much.
MissusJupiton: I was just trying to be nice...
Sran Capdill: MJ, report!!
MissusJupiton: We've caused damage to their food vendors, toilets and store rooms, but their sticks are taking a toll on our defences...

*How will this epic battle end? Find out soon..*

NSP: I'll add something to this sometime next week.

(Thanks, I didn't want to ruin it again )

*The Director walks in*

Sarn_Cadrill: Wow, this is alive again?

MissisJupiton: Hey, the Director's back!

Sarn_Cadrill: Umm... right. Now where were we again?

*Sarn_Cadrill sits down in the Director's chair*

MissisJupiton: *mutters* Crazy Directors...

Sran Cadpill: Well then... We'll have to disable the ship's stick thrower.

SpandexX: Excellent idea, sir. Brilliant. How do we do that?

Sran Cadpill: Beats me...

MissusJupiton: Sir, we could simply fire our big bangy things at their stick generator exhaust port. This would create a chain reaction in the stick production manifold that would destroy the locking mechanism on the stick launcher.

*Sran looks confused*
*MissusJupiton presses a few buttons on her console.*

MissusJupiton: There, now all you have to do is press that big flashing orange button.

Sran Cadpill: Hmm... Well, ok.

*Sran reaches for the button, and is just about to press it*

Sarn_Cadrill: Cut! CUT!! CUT!!!

*Sran looks up*

Sran Cadpill: What?

Sarn_Cadrill: We've done this too many times already. It's hardly even funny anymore. We've got to find something different.

Kiteoid Turraste: Hehe... He was gonna hit the self destruct button instead of the flashy orange one... heehee. What a moron... hehe.. hehe... Classic.

Sran Cadpill: Oh shut up. How do you know I was going to do that?

*Kiteoid points at Sran's finger, which is poised just over the self destruct button*

Sran Cadpill: Alright, how about an away team?

Sarn_Cadrill: Been there, done that.

Sran Cadpill: Ok then, Mr. Fancy Pantsy Director. What should I do?

Sarn_Cadrill: Beats me. It's my lunch break anyway. You figure it out.[/b]

*Sarn_Cadrill walks off*

Wass: (over speaker) Can we get back to the fighting yet? I think I was about to win.

Sran Cadpill: Oh I suppose. Just a seco-

*A blast rocks the ship*

Sran Cadpill: Hey, you didn't wait for me to say "Action!"

Wass: Errm... Oops.

Sran Cadpill: Now then, Action!

*Captain Cadpill makes a take-charge gesture*

Sran Cadpill: Ha. You thought I was all out of those, didn't you?

*Everyone stands staring blankly ahead. Time passes*

Errm. What? Oh... right then. Missed my cue, sorry guys.

What will happen to our brave crew? Will they be destroyed by the evil Wass, or will they come up with a plan that doesn't involve Sran pressing a flashing button or assembling an away team? Find out in our next explosive episode! (Literally)

Sarn_Cadrill: HEY! You're giving away hints about our next EPISODE!!! That's not fair! You're FIRED!

Will Sarn_Cadrill ever be able to find a competent announcer? Will he be able to wipe the mustard stain off his cheek before making a complete fool out of himself? Will he e-

*Beefy men in tight black tee shirts drag the announcer out of the studio*

[This message has been edited by Sarn_Cadrill (edited December 03, 2002).]

btw, if anyone wants to touch the sequal:

http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000347.html

(Spots spin-off opportunity)

*At the announcer audition table.*

Announcer #1: I just know I'm going to get the part!
Announcer #2: Why should it be you rather than any other of us?
Announcer #3: I heard there's only a 40% survival rate in this industry.
Announcer #1: Really? Why are we here then?!

*These three announcers run off. Sarn Cadrill turns around from from talking to his associates to see that there are no announcers to audition.*

Sarn Cadrill: **** ...

(By the way I just posted meaninglessly on the sequels thread as well..)

[This message has been edited by Jagged Conscience (edited December 03, 2002).]

*Meanwhile back on the bridge...*

*Everyone stares ahead blankly*

Sarn_Cadrill: What are you all doing?

Sran Cadpill: We're waiting for the announcer. What's it look like?

Sarn_Cadrill: Oh, heh... Well about that... You see... I couldn't find one. We'll have to do a few scenes without him.

Sran Cadpill: Well that seems a bit... odd. But ok. Can you at least say, like... Action or something? So we know when to start?

Sarn_Cadrill: Oh alright. Action!

--
Sran Cadpill: I think Wass has got us this time! We'll have to make a run for it. His stick launcher is too strong for us, if we can't just disable it with a flashing button.

*The ship is struck again by a stick. The cameras shake violently and a large beam falls from the ceiling and strikes an ensign, who falls to the floor coughing up blood*

Sarn_Cadrill: Cut! That's not in the script. Get some First Aid people up here immediately! (muttering)Lousy special effects crew. That's the last time I go for the two for one deal.

*A group of paramedics jump onto the stage, and load the ensign into a stretcher, then wheel him off*

Sarn_Cadrill: Now then, Action!

Sran Cadpill: Errm.. Right then. Number One, prepare the ship for Atomic Blastoff!

*Sran makes another take charge gesture*

SpandexX: Prepare for Atomic Blastoff. Seal the Bulkheads Secure all Securables!

MissusJupiton: Don't you think we've used this joke enough by now?

*After some time*

SpandexX: Ship prepared for Atomic Blastoff, sir. Excellent idea running away by the way. Top Notch.

MissusJupiton: Sir, what coordinates shall I input?

Sran Cadpill: huh?

*MissusJupiton rolls her eyes*

MissusJupiton: Uhh, where do you want to go?

Sran Cadpill: Uhh... That WAY!

*Sran points in a random direction*

Sran Cadpill: Hmm, isn't it odd that we've been dialoguing all this time, and Wass hasn't shot us? Oh, and engage the drives.

MissusJupiton: Drives engaged. And of course he hasn't fired. It'd have been rude for him to inturrupt our conversation.

*The ship blasts off into spouting flames*
-----
*Some time later on the bridge, Sran is reading the Log, while MissusJupiton and SpandexX play a game of checkers*

SpandexX: HA! Check MATE!

*MissusJupiton rolls her eyes*

Sran Cadpill: Hmm, that's funny. Anyone ever heard of this guy, H. Quinelleq?

SpandexX: Who, sir?

Sran Cadpill: He's an ensign. I just noticed him, checking my crew roster.

MissusJupiton: Never heard of him. What's his station?

Sran Cadpill: Hmm... Lavoritory Sanitation Supervisor. You know... Anyone who's an ensign, and has managed to not be noticed or killed in the last 8 months must be officer quality. Summon Mr. Quinelleq to the bridge, Number One.

SpandexXRight, sir! Excellent idea! Summon Mr. Quinelleq to the bridge![/b]

*MissusJupiton rolls her eyes, and keys a button on her console*

MissusJupiton: H. Quinelleq to the bridge, please.

*A moment passes and a sweaty young man rushes into the bridge, and comes to attention. He seems nervous in the unknown territory*

Quinelleq: H. Quinelleq reporting as ordered, ma'am.

MissusJupiton: As you were, H. The Captain wishes to speak with you.

Sran Cadpill: How long have you been an ensign, Quinelleq?

Quinelleq: Uhh. Sir, since we left port, sir.

Sran Cadpill: And you've escaped notice all this time?

*A sheen of sweat breaks out on Quinelleq's forehead*

Quinelleq: Sir, yes, Sir. I have escaped notice all this time, Sir.

Sran Cadpill: Amazing. Have you been on any away missions?

Quinelleq: Sir, yes, Sir. I was on every away mission we've had since leaving port, Sir.

Sran Cadpill: And you're not dead?[/b]

*Quinelleq glances down at himself nervously*

Quinelleq: Sir, no, Sir. It would appear I am not dead, Sir.

Sran Cadpill: Incredible. Well, that tears it. I hereby commission you as an officer, and provide you with the rank of Leutinant.

Quinelleq: Sir, I'm sorry, Sir. It won't happen again si- Errm... Sir, Leutinant, Sir? Sir, thank you very much, Sir.

SpandexX: Excellent commissioning, sir. Simply brilliant.

Sran Cadpill: Now then you'll be 2nd Leutinant, which means you'll have 2 duties. First, you're to stand watch at the bridge door at all times, and open or close it as necessary to allow the other officers in and out. Second, you are to be a complete jerk to SpandexX, who will be expected to litter you with demerits whenever you so much as breathe.

Quinelleq: Sir, yes, Sir. Thanks you, Sir. I'll begin my duties, forthwith, Sir.

Sran Cadpill: Not forthwith! Now! I didn't promote you so you could lollygag about. Oh, but first... Go take a shower... Yeesh, are our lavoritories really *that* bad?

Quinelleq: Sir, yes, sir, they are sir. It's Lerdvaddar and Kiteoid Turraste, sir. Sir, they have bladder control problems, Sir.

*Kiteoid Turraste, who is standing near the hatch blushes*

Sran Cadpill: Errm... Right then. And stop with that excessive "Sir"ing all the time. Dang, that gets annoying.

Quinelleq: Sir, yes, sir. I will stop saying, "Sir" excessively, sir.

Sran Cadpill: Much better. Now then, get to the showers.

Quinelleq: Sir, yes, Sir.

*Quinelleq scampers off*

MissusJupiton: Sir, you do realize it's a bit late in the story to be introducing new characters.

Sran Cadpill: Oh nonsense. Besides, an ensign for 8 months and he's still alive? I don't care who you are, that's darn impressive.

SpandexX: Yes sir, impressive indeed. Excellent usage of the adjective, darn, by the way.

Sran Cadpill: Why thank you, SpandexX.

*MissusJupiton rolls her eyes*

[This message has been edited by Sarn_Cadrill (edited December 03, 2002).]

*Some time later...*

Quinelleq: Sir,let me get the door for you, sir.

Sran Cadpill: Good. That's what you're supposed to do.

Missus Jupiton: Captain, we have not gotten anybody to replace the new lietenant in the Sanitation department.

Sran Cadpill: It can wait. How important can it be?

Missus Jupiton: Very well, sir.

Quinelleq: Sir, permission to procede to the urination station, sir? I had too much ale...

Sran Cadpill: Denied. You need to stand by the door to open them for us high ranking people.

Quinelleq: Even though they are automatic space-type doors, sir? I really need to go.

Missus Jupiton: Let him go, sir. There are lots of electronic equipment things in here.

Quinelleq: I can't wait any longer, sir...

Sran Cadpill: Fine, go, but bring me some more waffles from the galley on the way back.

SpandexX: Bring waffles for the captain!

Quinelleq: Yes sir!

*Quinelleq exits the bridge*

Missus Jupiton: Sir, about the replacement Sanitation Engineer...

Sran Cadpill: I told you not to bother me about that! Can't you see I am watchin Diagnosis Homicide?

Missus Jupiton: But sir, you really ought to know that...

SpandexX: Listen to the captain!

*Sarn Cadrill as the voice of the announcer*
What was Missus Jupiton trying to tell the captain? Is there any danger? Will Quinelleq get to the lavatory in time?*

[This message has been edited by Hellequin (edited December 04, 2002).]

[NSP: Not bad, but your names and mannerisms are a bit off... Kind of like watching those old episodes of The Simpsons, when they had different voices and stuff... heh. Oh well, we can imagine.]

(NSP: New and exciting plot developments to come tomorrow...brace yourselves.)

[NSP whoo hoo! I can hardly wait... For practice, I've been working on dialogue at home... I've got another Cadpill story begun, with all the main characters, and I'm just seeing where it goes. Won't post it though, cause I want to see what I can do on my own...]

NSP: Oh-oh! Can I make a return?

If so, I need some help with what hte basic characteristics are for each charcater, as I'm a teeny bits lost. Thanks

------------------
Check out the following stories:
The Never-ending Story Thread(comedy *sci-fi/fantasy*)

(in story order)
The Change (The Second War) (sci-fi/fantasy) --not finished/on hold--
The Crusade--tentative title (fantasy/sci-fi) --To Be Announced--
Saga of the 3rd War (fantasy/sci-fi) --finished--
The Shadows of Darkness (fantasy/sci-fi) --finished--
The Eternal War (fantasy/sci-fi) --not finished/IN PRODUCTION--