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ForumsInteractive Story Board → NeShattered
2006-06-25, 2:00 AM #41

NeShattered. An overcast, gloomy landscape, not dissimilar to the world of the NeS, but...darker. There is an explosion of sound and light, and three bodies drop to the barren landscape: Sarn, Sok, and The Last True Evil. Slowly, they pull themselves off the ground, dusting off their clothes, and look around with some trepidation.

Chapter 1 - The Invitation

TLTE: We're here.
Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
TLTE and Sok begin walking off through the desert. Sarn, however, hesitates. He glances around once more... TLTE turns back.

TLTE: What's wrong, Sarn?

Sarn: I... I don't know.. I just feel like I shouldn't be here. Like there's something more important I should be doing.

Sok: Does this have to do with a certain... lady friend?

Sarn: Eh?

Sok: Voodoo Snowflakes, right?

Sarn: Who's... that?

Sok: You can't remember her? From the Convenience Store.. Of THE DAMNED!!!

Sarn's eyes seem to gloss over momentarily... He shudders, and the color of his iris' seem to flicker between their current nuclear green and their more ordinary hazel. He seems confused...

Sarn: Voodoo... have to find... Why am I here?

The flickering of his eyes stops. They are now back to their original hazel.

Sarn: Voodoo! Do you think she's alright? We have to find her!

TLTE: Relax, Sarn. I'm sure she's fine. Didn't you say that Detective guy is watching her back?

Sarn: Well.. Yeah. He seemed like a well put together sort, but I just don't know if I can trust him...

TLTE: Well in any case, it isn't as though we can do anything about it now. She's not here.

Sarn: I know.. I just... I don't feel right about leaving her behind.

TLTE: We've got bigger fish to fry right now, Sarn. Snap out of it. If the two of you are destined to be together, the NeS writers won't let her die. Hell, she may even find her way here.

Sok: You seem to have a lot of faith in the NeS, TLTE.

TLTE: Sok, I've been around long enough to know that things always work out how the writers want them to ultimately. Sure there may be... difficulties, but that's what keeps the NeS alive.

Sarn: That's all well and good, but who are these writers to play with our emotions like that? They all sound like pricks.

Suddenly, Sarn falls to the ground in convulsions. He begins screaming "turkey" over and over again.

Sarn: TURKEY!!! TURKEY!!! What the hell is goi- TURKEY!!!

Sarn the Writer: Call me a prick, will you. How would you like a nasty rash? Or maybe you're impotent...

Sarn stops convulsing. He stands up and brushes off his clothing.

Sarn: Who said that?

TLTE chuckles and claps Sarn on the back.

TLTE: It's not such a good idea to be insulting the writers... But anyway, I think at least one or two of them care enough about you to make sure it all works out ok in the end.

Sarn: If they cared about me so much, Voodoo would be here now

TLTE: You don't get it Sarn. If it was all happiness and sunshine, there would be no NeS. The writers care for us, but they care more for the story. Let me paint you an example. One day, Sarn was walking along the street. He met this beautiful girl named Voodoo. They fell in love and never fought or had any problems. Sarn started his own business and made millions of dollars by selling real estate with no money down. He and Voodoo had three beautiful children and lived happily ever after. The end.

Sok: You suck at telling stories, TLTE.

TLTE: That's my point! The writers are good at what they do. They know how to play with events to keep things interesting.

Sarn: But does that just mean that we're nothing but pawns in some big game? Why ever hope? Why ever care about anything? The writers will always get what they want?

TLTE: Ultimately they likely will. But we have our own roles to play. You're a smart man, Sarn. I'm sure you'll figure out how to reconcile this concept to your life. In the mean time, just let it go. Accept what's fact and let's move on. We've got a job to do. And I'm sure Voodoo will be just fine.

The three move off through the wasteland, the three of them the very picture of purposeful confidence. Sarn holds that outer mask, but inside his emotions are running him through a ringer. He understands what TLTE has been saying to him, and he even accepts it. But one thought continues to run through his head. What if the writers don't want him and Voodoo to be together... He knows not even TLTE can answer that question. If only there was a way to talk to the writers themselves, to get their assurance. But the writers were silent.

Originally posted by Tracer
*TLTE's heroic trio continues to march through the desert wastes, searching for any clues to Evil Geb's whereabouts.*

Sarn: "So thirsty...need water..."

Sok Munkey: "Keep it together, Sarn. We're not going to find Shattered Gebohq and save the day by dying off in the middle of nowhere."

Sarn: "Right."

*Sarn notices a shimmering oasis on the horizon and takes off across the dunes, leaving the others.*

Sarn: "Water!"

Sok Munkey: "Hey, wait! We need to stick together!"

TLTE: "The fool. Come on!"

*TLTE and Sok Munkey run after Sarn, who has collapsed in the sand, oasis nowhere in sight.*

Sarn: "It was here...with the water and the trees..."

Sok Munkey: "What are you talking about?"

Sarn: "And the coconuts...with straws..."

TLTE: "He saw little more than a mirage. But the desert madness is beginning to grip his mind."

Sarn: "And a monkey...wearing a hat..."

*TLTE lifts Sarn by his lapels and gives him a good shake.*

TLTE: "Snap out of it!"

Sarn: "So...thirsty...need...turkey..."

TLTE: "Focus!"

Sarn: "Little gobbler...gobble-gobble..."

*TLTE slaps Sarn in the face.*

Sarn: "...wha - what's happening?"

*Satisfied that Sarn has regained his senses, TLTE sets him down.*

Sok Munkey: "You lost it on us for a minute there."

TLTE: "The desert madness took hold of you."

*Sarn looks around.*

Sarn: "Hey, where'd that oasis go?"

TLTE: "There was no oasis. You saw a mirage. Coupled with the effects of over-exposure, you temporarily lost touch with reality."

Sarn: "I'm not crazy. We just can't see the oasis from this low ground. It's probably over the next dune."

*Sarn begins shuffling across the sand.*

TLTE: "Stay where you are! We have got to stick together!"

Sarn: "We've also got to find water!"

Sok Munkey: "He does have a point, TLTE. We're all going to die of dehydration if we don't get something to drink soon."

Sarn: "Look! On the horzon!"

*Shaking his head, TLTE raises his hand to smack Sarn another one but is stopped by Sok Munkey.*

Sok Munkey: "No, it's real! I see it too!"

*TLTE looks in the direction pointed out by Sarn, and in fact does see someone approaching: a lone figure riding a camel.*


*Meanwhile at Evil Geb's lair plans for the wedding of doom are in full swing.*

Evil Geb: "So, what do you think about the cake?"

Morthandur: "I like it. But we should consider the invitations and guest list."

Evil Geb: "Right."

*Evil Geb closes the cake catalogue and pulls out a pad of paper.*

Evil Geb: "Let's see, I'll need a best man..."

Morthandur: "How about Morris the Cat?"

Evil Geb: "Okay!"

*Evil Geb writes the word 'Morris' on the paper.*

Evil Geb: "And an usher."

Morthandur: "How about Bhac? He's nice."

Evil Geb: "And dependable. Sure."

*Evil Geb writes down 'Bhac - Usher'.*

Evil Geb: "And then we'll need a priest..."

*Evil Geb's voices raises to bone-chilling yell.*


Morthandur: "Yes, that's true. You will be needing one of those."

Young: "Um, excuse me? Can I make a suggestion?"

Evil Geb: "What is it, dearest?"

Young: "I would like to suggest that you call the whole thing off. Because I sort of don't want to marry you."

Evil Geb: "I'm afraid that won't be happening. You see, taking a wife would cement my legacy. My bloodline will continue."

Morthandur: "That's right. We need to make sure that the Ohq name lives on."

Young: "Isn't it bad luck to see me before the wedding?"

Evil Geb: "I'm opposite Geb. What's bad luck for him is good luck for me."

Young: "Oh yeah? Well what you jerks didn't think of is that there's no one to give away the bride! I don't have any parents!"

Morthandur: "I didn't think of that."

*Evil Geb grins and Evil Grin.*

Evil Geb: "But I have. Young was a blank character, born of NeS itself. So we'll have to find and coerce the only person who can be considered a father to NeS into being the father of my bride...Original Gebohq."
The Last True Evil - consistent nobody in the Discussion Forum since 1998
2006-07-04, 7:42 PM #42
Evil Geb--er... Shattered Geb--uh... Gebiyl... GAH! Lost my train of thought. You have too many names.

S. Geb: What are you talking about? I'm obviously the good Geb! See the obviously NOT-evil outfit I'm wearing? The lack of a mechanical hand? My laughable idiocy?

You got one of those right. You've not very good at playing innocent.

S. Geb: Hey, it'll work well enough for my purposes. I'm going to milk this doppleganger bit for all its worth! And just to confuse everyone...

*S. Geb touches Morthrandur, upon which S. Geb's appearance changes to look like Morthrandur's.*

S. Geb: Oh look! Now which one of us is the real freaky tall, dark, mystical spirit-type?

*S. Geb's appearance as Morthrandur then dissolves back to reveal himself, still in Gebohq's body.*

S. Geb: I really hope I get to use that trick at some point during this wedding! Maybe I'll figure out how to look like you, Young! That'd be hot.

*Young does her best to inch away from S. Geb.*

Uh-huh... you're going to be a real threat to the good guys...

S. Geb: Hey! Let's not forget that I'm on home turf here, and that I weild the NeSword, the dark-blade-thingy, and quite possibly other absurdly powerful items, AND that I have the Ever-ending Plot under my control! In my MIIIIIIND! ...I think.

Thanks for the reminder, abuser of the meta-fictional elements.

Morthrandur: Geb, do you feel that?

*S. Geb looks up, suddenly still.*

S. Geb: Hmm... yes. It would seem that some of our guests are already here. COME FORTH, DISPOSABLE OVERLY-CLICHED MINIONS!

*A legion of Nazi-alien-cyborg-zombie-robot-ninja-clones enter, and their chief marches up to S. Geb and salutes.*

S. Geb: Go north, about a hundred or so miles from here. Look for a motley group of hero-types. They'll stand out, here in NeShattered. One of them will look like me. Bring him to me. Kill the others.

*The chief salutes again, and leads his legion away.*

The fabric of the story suddenly rips violently for a nearly inperceivable amount of time, as if a scene were poorly added into a movie.

S. Geb: Do not capture the others alive. Kill them! That is your primary objective!

Chief minion: Yes sir!

The fabric of the story rips again in a similar matter.

S. Geb: Now, let's have a look at the wedding cake...

Originally posted by Cool Matty
Meanwhile, in the Shattered Writers' Realm...

GebtW: Wait, now there's a shattered writer realm?

Sure... why not?

TracerTheJanitor: Are you sure it doesn't happen to be because there's broken GLASS back there?

Erm... uhhh... *gebs it*

GebtW: Hey, that's trademarked! Come back here!

Minutes earlier

CMtW: So then, CM decides he will not put up with Arkng Thand's evil plotting ways! He will destroy Arkng with his new Abrams tank! HA!

About this time, TLTEtW was walking down the hall to grab some water. He happens to hear CMtW talking to.... himself, so he starts heading towards CM's cubicle

CMtW: Go CM! Destroy the evil Thand! ... Wait, something is missing.... oh that's right. Every time I do something cool, someone has to pull a logic card. I better explain that away properly!

TLTEtW draws ever closer to the cubicle... now able to see the top of CMs head over the walls

CMtW: So Mimiru exclaims that CM cannot do that. But even more dramatically and amazingly, the TUMBLEWEED exclaims: "That's not possible! It defies all logic! There is absolutely NO way an Abrams tank could appear here instantly like that!"

TLTEtW takes a moment to recover from the irony, then begins to hear what sounds like light banging and shuffling noises.

CMtW: "Don't ruin the moment!" Cried CM, as he rolled over the obviously terrorist tumbleweed. He then rolled right into the 8th dimension, and onto Arkng's desk. "How's this for VILLAINY, ARKNG!?" CM called, as the tank lowered its 120mm M256 smoothbore gun at the old man's head.

TLTEtW finally reaches the cubicle, and sees what exactly CMtW was doing.

TLTEtW: Are those... dolls?

CMtW: huh what?! No! No these aren't dolls! These are ACTION FIGURES!

TLTEtW: They... look like dolls.

CMtW: I'm telling you, they're ACTION FIGURES!

TLTEtW: Alright, alright. But what in the WORLD are you doing with them?

CMtW: Simple! I am reenacting my next awesome post!

TLTEtW: And you're planning on blowing Arkng's head off?

CMtW: How did you know I'd blow his head off?

TLTEtW: The head's already detached from the doll...

CMtW: ... Oh.

TLTEtW: So these are all supposed to be the characters in the post?

CMtW: Yep!

TLTEtW: So what's that huge dust bunny over there?

CMtW: The one that looks like it got ran over by the M1A1 Abrams Tank?

TLTEtW: Yes.


TLTEtW: Your action figure kit didn't have one for tumbleweeds?

CMtW: It did... but I burnt it when I tried to make my Moses CM post. Stupid burning bush....

TLTEtW: Riiiight.

CMtW: Look, you're interrupting me! Now, as I was saying!

Okay, CM readies to fire the gun. The TERRORIST TUMBLEWEED, in his last breaths, asks if attacking Thand is the right thing to do.

CM, of course, replies: "When in doubt, KILL IT WITH FIRE!" CM then pulls the trigger, removing Thand's head with a resounding "BOOM!"

Suddenly, the toy tank fires, and blows a huge hole in the office space, blowing out the closest window, and knocking over a bunch of cubicles.

TLTEtW: Jesus! What the hell was that?!

CMtW: It's a 1/10th scale of the Abrams tank! I wouldn't settle for anything less than FULLY OPERATIONAL 1/10th scale!

TLTEtW: Wait, so it actually fires? What the hell!

TracerTheJanitor: What was that loud boom.... oh god. I am NOT cleaning this up! Who did it?!

TLTEtW: Well, it was good old bright-idea...

CMtW: The narrator did it! I saw him! He said what happened word for word!"

TLTEtW: What?! But you did the actual...

CMtW: See! The narrator even described the way the glass broke!

Hey, this isn't right!

TracerTheJanitor: Is that so? Well, we can't have that. Okay narrator, it's cleaning duty for you!

Hey, don't give me your mops! Stop! Ah! *gebs it*

TracerTheJanitor: Damn, I'll catch him!

CMtW: So anyway, after being blown to BITS by the ABRAMS TANK, CM continues his victory march all the way to EeP, to fight and kill him with the best tank in the world! Hahahahaha!

TLTEtW: ... I really need to find a new place to work.


Suddenly, CMtW comes tumbling through a portal that rapidly appears and disappears afterwards.


CMtW: Holy crap that was a long fall!

CMtWShattered: Wha..who are you?!

CMtW: I should be asking YOU the same thing!

CMtWS: I am a writer for NeS!

CMtW: No, I am!

CMtWS: How could you be? I've been writing all the posts up to now!

CMtW: No way, I have!

CMtW looks down at the desk of CMtWS. He then spots...

CMtW: Is that a 1/10 scale replica of the M1 Abrams tank?

CMtWS: Yes it is! And it's fully functional!

TLTEtWShattered: Now WAIT a SECOND! We were on to some great paradox discussion here, and then you switch to talking about tanks! I am NOT letting you derail again, CM!

CMtW: I never derailed you, I don't even know you!

TLTEtWS: Not you, the ... OTHER you!

CMtW: Oh, right.

CMtW: So anyway, this tank is amazing! It's using a replica 1/10 scale 120mm M256 smoothbore gun modified by the Rheinmetall Waffe Munition GmbH of Germany to fire 12mm minishells! The gun is reinforced with a special high-grade alloy that allows for far greater strength at such a small scale. The controls system is exact model, but features an extension which allows for remote operation! The armor is steel encased depleted uranium, using a special polymer coating to maintain its sheen for display purposes, but also without damaging or weakening the armor itself. The entire tank has been fitted with a special replica of the TUSK field modification kit, and has an advanced miniture fire control computer! Every single part of this replica has been modified or enhanced in some way to eliminate weak points or design flaws!

TLTEtWS: This guy reminds me of my character's rival back in the cold war.... Snake. Never shuts up about a nice piece of weaponry.

CMtWS: Wow, you like Abrams just like I do!

TLTEtWS: This doesn't answer how both of you could be writing the same posts! We are the writers, there can't be TWO of us! That'd be like a plot hole or something! We can't have plot holes or paradoxes in the Writers' Realm! There is a reason it's called "THE WRITERS' REALM"!

CMtWS: You know, there's only one person to blame for this. Someone who transcends all paradoxes and plot holes!

CMtW: The Q?


Umm... I didn't do anything!

CMtWS: Yes you did! You created a paradox! There's multiple "us's" now!

CMtW: Wait, if that's right, there's only one way for a paradox to solve itself!

TLTEtWS: You don't mean...

Suddenly, a plot hole appears, swallowing all of the writers.

Random Audience Member: Hey, what the hell? You can't do that!

Watch it, I'll turn you into a puppy! I can do whatever I please!

RAM2: This is bull, I'm leaving!

RAM3: Yeah, you suck!

RAM: I wanted to hear what TLTEtWS's explanation was!

RAM3: You know what I think? I think the narrator doesn't even know what's going on.

RAM2: I bet you're right!

Argh, forget it! I am outta here!

RAM: That's right, tuck your tail, and run back to NeS2, before we throw some logic on ya!

Originally posted by Tracer
The fabric of the story suddely rips apart in an almost imperceivable amount of time...

*In the Desert of NeShattered*

Semievil: "Hello friends!"

*Sem trots up to TLTE, Sarn and Sok Munkey. He is riding a camel.*

Sarn: "Whoa, Semievil. I haven't seen you in years."

Semievil: "Yes, it's been a while."

Sarn: "So, what are you up to now? Keeping busy?"

Semievil: "Actually, now I'm a secret agent! But keep it quiet."

Sok: "It's not much of a secret if you go around telling people."

Semievil: "Yeah, that's why I just said to keep it quiet."

*Sem rolls his eyes. TLTE glances at his mount.*

TLTE: "Nice camel."

Semievil: "Thanks. I comandeered it from a bloodthirsty band of desert brigands!"

Sok: "Obviously you're lying."

Semievil: "Well, okay, I used my secret agent status to requisition it from a camel farm."

*Everybody is nonplussed.*

Semievil: "Actually Cool Matty just rented it for me while I watched Lawrence of Arabia."

Sarn: "Do you have any water? Dear God, I need the water!"

*Sarn collapses to the sandy ground, clinging to the saddle.*

Semievil: "No, but they might."

*Sem points to a fast-approaching helicopter. TLTE immediately produces twin submachine guns from inside his overcoat and prepares to lay down covering fire, but is tackled by Sarn a split second before squeezing the trigger.*

Sarn: "They could have water! Water!"

TLTE: "Fool!"

*The helo lands, disgorging a Nazi-alien-cyborg-zombie-robot-ninja-clone squad.*

Sok: "This looks bad."

Semievil: "Don't worry, I have diplomatic immunity."

*Sem clears his throat and addresses the ninja-robot-clones.*

Semievil: "Greetings, fascists -"

*A Nazi-zombie cracks Sem in the face with the butt of his alien cyborg rife. Sem tumbles to a heap in the ground, unconcious. The camel bleats.*

Ninja-clone leader: "You will come with us."

Sarn: "Do you have water?"

*Sarn's question earns him a face-smashing. TLTE and Sok look at each other and silently board the helicopter. the Robots collect the other two and then take off.*

(S.) Geb: Behold! Our wedding cake!

Shatterred Geb pulls a chord, which draws an elegantly evil curtain to reveal what could quite possibly be the world's largest wedding cake ever made. Random chef-types are running around the wedding cake, placing the final touches on it. Young gazes upward, wide-eyed but otherwise still. The evil Geb swells with pride.

(S.) Geb: Only the finest for our wedding, my bride-to-be. A giant, triple-chocolate-chip cookie sits at the base. The cake itself is filled with decadent death-by-chocolate layers, with wicked white choclate frosting and covered in corruptingly-choice chocolate sauce. For some devious decoration, strawberries and pineapples line it's edges--DON'T TOUCH!

He smacks Young's hand away from the cake, who looks hurt.

(S.) Geb: This cake is not for eating! It's meant to lure those idiotic hero-types into a false sense of security and hunger. There is trace amounts of cyanide in the choclate...probably some other nasty things too. I don't want you dying on me before your time, little girl.

Young looks at Shattered Geb, who continues to glare at her with the darkest of eyes. His murderous stare flickers away, and once again, he smiles with a slightly crazed happiness. He grabs something small off a nearby table.

(S.) Geb: And look! What would a wedding cake be without one of these?

Young examines what Shattered Geb is holding. In his hands, a traditional wedding cake figurine that appears to be a smaller version of Gebohq in a tux fitting of him. The figurine is holding another figurine above its head, and it appears to be a smaller version of Young in a traditional white wedding dress. She's not certain, but the Geb figurine appears to be looking upward...

(S.) Geb: This part's my favorite.

Shattered Geb pushes a button on the two figurine-set, and a musical "da-da-da-DAAAAA!" chimes.

(S.) Geb: I'll just put this on top of the cake...

Climbing up the ladder, Shattered Geb pracariously places the figurines on top. A distinct growling is heard from the cake.

Young: Uh...

(S.) Geb: Oh, did I forget to mention? This cake is sentient. It has flamethrower candles, a mobile cart that it sits on for its own movement, throwing knives at its disposal, and... well, I'll just leave the rest a surprise for now, hmm?

Young: Is that a hair on the cake?

(S.) Geb: A hair? Where?

Young then pushes the ladder over, sending Shattered Geb toppling to the ground. She then makes a break for it and exits through the nearest door.

(S.) Geb: Grr... time to go get her. Again...That's the fourth time since we got here...


Some time soon after, the fabric of the story rips apart in an almost imperceivable amount of time...

S. Geb: GOT YOU! You miserable little brat...

Shattered Geb grabs Young by the arm, winding up a pimp-style backhand slap with his free hand.

S. Geb: Why I oughta--

Suddenly, a cellphone ringtone goes off, which breaks the moment with the tune of The Imperial March.

S. Geb: Always at the worst times... *answers cellphone* What is it? ...WHAT? You CAUGHT them? But you're supposed to be disposable overly-cliched minions! Disposable! ...well no, of course it's a good thing! of course I was worried about the safety of you all... *S. Geb gives Young a wink* ...yes, meet me at the landing pad. Fearless leader out!

Young: You wanted your own men to die?

S. Geb: That was their JOB! And now they've gone and captured the heroes? Well, I don't see why I shouldn't take this opportunity to be overwhelmingly over-confident in my apparent fortune... You stay here.

Shattered Geb brandishes the NeSword and makes his way to the landing pad. He arrives just as the vehicle is landing. The helicopter door opens, and Semievil and Sarn Cadrill are escorted out by two of the disposable, overly-cliched (and conviniently masked) minions.

S. Geb: Where's Geb? I told you to bring him back to me, you incompetant--

One of the disposable, overly-cliched minions raises a machine gun and fires at Shattered Geb. Shattered Geb attempts to evade the bullets, but there are too many, and some puncture through his stomach. He falls to the ground, bleeding, as the minions unmask themselves to be The Last True Evil and Sok Munkey. All four heroes surround Shattered Geb, as The Last True Evil pulls out his Smith and Wesson.

TLTE: And here I thought you'd put up more of a fight. Your death will be pleasantly anti-climatic.

S. Geb: Not today!

With all the energy his dying body could muster, he swings the NeSword towards The Last True Evil, cutting a swath into the very fabric of the story itself...


Have Tracer the Writer's last post and part of Gebohq the Writer's post before been...edited?

Shattered Geb picks himself off the floor of the helicopter landing pad. He is alone, with no helicopter in sight, and though there are no wounds on him, he appears somewhat exhausted. A psychotic smile spreads across his face.

S. Geb: Oh how I love playin' on the home field...
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2006-08-06, 9:32 AM #43
Originally posted by The Last True Evil
With a metaphysical bang, Sok, Sarn, and TLTE are suddenly stranded in the desert again. The very fabric of space and time bends and folds over itself to return the three heroes - and NeShattered itself - to where they were before the overwritten posts.

Sok: Ow. I think that was an unpleasant experience, vaguely.

Sarn: Did that just happen?

TLTE: I...think it did. We're in a lot more trouble than we thought, comrades.

Sarn: This evil Geb can unwrite NeShattered? Then how the hell are we supposed to save Young? How can we even fight him if he just...undoes it?

TLTE: The simple answer is we can't. At least, not yet.

Sok: Isn't our mere being here a liability, then? Couldn't he rewrite us into a volcano or something?

TLTE sits on a sand dune, removing his overcoat, which seems unnecessary in their dry and desolate surroundings. He looks pensively at the wasteland around him, longing for the more aesthetically pleasing land of NeS.

TLTE: Well, I suppose he could...but think more on the scale of stereotypical villainy. He has infinite power, apparently, but since he's never used it on us before we can only assume he can Wield here in NeShattered.

Sok: And?

TLTE: And...he's disturbingly good at it. Better than Gebohq; he's only managed to Wield once, to save us from the end of the original NeS.

Sarn: This isn't good. This is reasonably far from anything that could be called a good situation.

TLTE: BUT - everything I know so far about Gebohq's dark half tells me that he won't just blink us out of existence on a whim out here. The Gebiyl I know is a classic evil, amoral but principled in his own maniacal fashion. As long as we don't directly assault him, we're safe. For now.

Sok:'re the oldest here. You've got some cunning. And some wrinkles. What should we do?

Sarn: And don't say "get comfortable", because, you know, we're in a desert.

TLTE: Well, tovarish, in the long-term we need to find a way to bypass Gebyil's Wielding power. Or to find someone who is immune to its effects. In the short-term...I'd say our best bet is to see who's on the camel approaching us.

Sok: It's Sem...right?

TLTE: Maybe. Maybe not this time...who knows what this bizarre thread has in store for us?

As the unruly creature under his saddle charged headlong across the dunes, Sem finally extracts himself from the unholy contraption and leaps from the camel as it passes Sarn, Sok and TLTE. As the beast charges away Sem rights himself and hails the others.

Sem: Just sit back and relax citizens...

TLTE: Comrades...

Sem: I'll soon have the situation in hand. Just sit back and relax while I bring in my super-spy tech!

Sem confidently begins reciting words of arcane power, lightning and clouds swirling around him. In a few moments a bright shiny new dune buggy sits before them. Clearly pleased with himself, he takes the drivers' seat.

Sem: See, it's all taken care of citizens.

TLTE: ...

Sem turns the key and with a sickening crunch the buggy lurches, emits a liver from the engine, and falls silent.

Sem: Ermn... yeah... I'll uh... have this running in just a second.

It becomes quickly apparent to everyone the moment that Sem props the engine cover that half of the engine has been replaced with what had been, until recently, a gerbil on a wheel.

TLTE: I'm no engineer, comrade, but I don't think that goes there.

Sem: We'll just uh... see about trying this again.

After summoning a biplane, helicopter, four dirt bikes, a submarine and a go-kart, all with similar malfunctions, Sem collapses on the sand.

Sarn: I think I know what's going on here. Sem, do you remember taking Villain Technology 248: Theory of Comedic Failure back in hero school?

Sem: Vaguely... I think I kept staring across the hall at Damsel Technique 470: Distress; Theme and Variation.

Sarn: Well, you know how villain technology always works until it needs to, and hero technology never works until it does? I think the same thing is happening here.

Sok: But... we're heroes... and we need to get out of the desert so we don't die, right?

Sarn: Exactly. I think what's happened here is that NeShattered has had it's polarity reversed. The Evil Geb has weilded the story here so long that the NeS fabric itself has begun to see villains and heroes in reverse.

TLTE: So essentially you're saying we're screwed in every possible plotline, and that your exposition was merely an academic way to pass the time while we wait to be unwritten again?

Sarn: Precisely... oh... damn...

Sem: No, wait, I think you're on to something here. What's the most impractical yet clearly evil mode of cliche villain transportation ever used?

Sok: The Death Star?

Sem: Close.

Sem drops to the ground and starts piling sand, summoning cokes to make it stick as a child might use seawater at the beach. It takes nearly an hour, but at last the creation is complete.

TLTE: A sand castle?

Sem: No. A dark fortress.

Sok: I see... uh... even granting your bizarre fantasy that a three-foot pile of sticky sand is a 'dark fortress', how exactly does this constitute a mode of transportation?

Sem: Because, dear disbeliever, it rests atop a Floating Continent!!!

As he says the words the desert beneath them in a 10 foot circle tears free, and floats upward, revealing a solid stone bottom which they all felt certain had not been under them a moment before. As they choose a direction and head off, the camera pans to abuse perspective in a night impossible way, making the heroes appear to be atop the ramparts of the great fortress of sand and coke for just a moment before giving it up.

Sem: You see? The plot can be fooled into allowing us to defeat Evil Geb if we but keep our wits about us.

TLTE: So essentially you're saying we're waiting for Evil Geb to notice us, and that your little trick here with the plot was merely an academic way to pass the time while we wait to be unwritten again?

Sem: ... You suck.

TLTE: At least I'm a spy for a real country.

Sem: ... You suck.
In Soviet ISB, NeS writes YOU!
2006-08-17, 4:23 PM #44
Originally posted by Gebohq
Elsewhere, Gebohq (and the swingset), Mimiru, Subaru, CoolMatty, and the airplane - with Agent Tumbleweed stowed away - find themselves in a sea of sand nearly identical to the area that The Last True Evil and the others have been.

CoolMatty: Uh... where did Sem go?

Subaru: And why are we in the middle of a desert?

Gebohq: My swing is all squeaky now...

Mimiru: Uh, I think we have more important matters at hand right now...

Mimiru points up, and a swarm of airborne vehicles clearly labelled "DISPOSABLE OVERLY-CLICHED MINIONS" start to circle around their position.

Gebohq: Oh look, bad guys. You all have fun then. I'll just try to enjoy the little things in life, like the squeak in the swing.

Geb's swingset: *squeak... squeak...*

Originally posted by quesadilla_red
BAM! A man - er... actually, the gender is ambiguous - stands behind Geb's swing. He looks perpetually dirty, with unkept hair, a filthy olive shirt, and an old, brown cowboy hat on his head. He kicks Geb's swing.

He/It: "So, why'd you call me here?"

He takes a drag off his cigarette and wait for an answer with unblinking, dark eyes.

Gebohq: "Sorry. I didn't order any mysterious dirty people."

He/It: "Yes you did."

*Emo Geb's response is drowned out by the roar of the overly-cliched evil minion attack jets touching down next to his swing set, which immediately begin disgorging their cargo of disposable minions.*

Cool Matty: "We're under attack!"

*CM launches into action, vapourizing several advancing soldiers with magical lightening blasts. Miramu and Subaru race towards Evil Geb's troops and engage them in close combat. He\It ignores the melee, absorbed by the cigarette in his hand.*

He/It: "You called me when you rewrote sections of NeShattered."

Gebohq: "I think you're misinformed. I didn't rewrite the nothing of anything."

*He/It raises his (?) eyebrows.*

He/It: "But you *are* Gebohq?"

Cool Matty: "Die! Die! Die!"

*Surrounded by disposable cliched minions, CM indiscriminately casts magic fireballs in all directions. Geb hangs idly in the swing and nods.*

He/It: "You're Gebohq. Gebohq changed the story. "

*He/It takes another drag on his smoke.*

He/It: "Now Gebohq's in trouble."

Gebohq: "I think you might be in slightly larger trouble. Because of all the heavily-armed cyborg-nazis on the rampage."

*As if to underscore the point, Subaru sends an evil minion flying past the swingset with a bone-crunching kick to the face.*

He/It: "All I'm concerned with right now, Gebby is having a little man-to-man talk with you."

Gebohq: "Are you even a man?"

*He/It finishes his cigarette and flicks it to the desert floor.*

He/It: "What I want to talk to you about is editing the story."

*Subaru goes down under a pile Nazi-alien-cyborg-zombie-robot-ninja-clones. Miramu dips and weaves through a crowed of Evil Geb's soldiers, dispatching them with graceful punches and kicks. Cool Matty desperately casts spell after explosive spell, burning through the evil soldiers' ranks.*

He/It: "And why you shouldn't do it."

Gebohq: "You could use a shower."

He/It: "Time to go."

*Using it's special powers - whether they stem from his extreme filth or extreme mystery is unclear - He/It teleports itself, Gebohq and Geb's playground swingset away just as the battle winds down. Dead minions and the smoking wrecks of their transports surround the trio of CM, Subaru and Miramu. The desert sands are scorched black from conventional and magical explosions.*

Cool Matty: "What a tough battle!"

Miramu: "Well, now we can get on with the stopping Shattered Geb and whatnot."

Subaru: "Wait, where's our Geb?"


*Meanwhile, Qhobeg, the Otter, Ariana, Sugarless and Antestarr find themselves in the desert of NeShattered.*

Qhobeg: "That silly noise really kills the Star Trek feeling."



With a loud 'FWOOP' Gebohq, his swingset and He/It are teleported into a tiny shack that is just about as dirty as He/It himself. The shack is a single room: an unmade cot is pushed against the wall beside a desk covered in papers and pens, as well as various food-related debris. Across from the bed is a kitchenette, the sink and counter piled high with dirty dishes.*

He/It: "So, Gebohq. Let's have a chat. Make yourself at home."

*Geb clings tightly to the swing chains and tries to keep his feet hovering above the floor, which looks as though it hasn't been mopped in years.*

He/It: "I've got some important questions to ask."

Gebohq: "Sure. But make it quick. I think I might catch like twelve diseases if I stay here too long."

He/It: "Whatever do you mean?"

Gebohq: "This room is dirtier than...than dirt."

He/It: "I don't follow."

*Geb stares at the colossal mess.*

Gebohq: "I didn't live this bad when I was in college."

He/It: "About my questions..."

Gebohq: "Okay."

He/It: "Exactly what did you use to edit the story?"

Gebohq: "I didn't edit the story."

He/It: "But you did. There's no sense in lying - I know you edited the story. I just want to know how."

*Geb blinks.*

Gebohq: "I didn't edit the story."

He/It: "I know you did."

*Geb blinks twice.*

Gebohq: "I...didn't...edit...the...story..."

He/It: "Gebbers. Look - I already said that I know what you did."

*Geb opens his mouth to speak but is cut off.*

He/It: "I know because of who I am."

Gebohq: "Some guy who never heard of a shower?"

He/It: "Try the physical manifestation of the Neverending Story Thread itself. So I know, okay?"

*This statement shocks Geb.*

He/It: "I know. And it doesn't matter, because I'm not going to hurt you. But I am going to have take away whatever dangerous toy you're currently wrecking things with."

Gebohq: "I don't have any toys. I swear."

He/It: "If it was just NeSquared - if it was just myself you were hurting - we wouldn't even be having this conversation. But you did all your damage in NeShattered and I don't know what goes on in here."

Gebohq: "But you're standing here now."

He/It: "I can only see what's happening to myself. It's as though NeShattered is a dark cave. You and the others who belong to me illuminate things a little bit but I still can't really see."

Gebohq: "Really..."

*Gebohq inches towards the shack door. He/It rolls his eyes.*

He/It: "But obviously I brought you here for the reason that I *can* see things in the little pocket of NeS that exists in every spin-off thread."

Gebohq: "I see. Would you be at all interested in the fact that I didn't edit the story?"

*He/It gives a small chuckle.*

He/It: "Fine, let's say you didn't. Then who did, Gebohq?"

Gebohq: "Evil Geb."

He/It: "Evil...Geb."

*Geb nods earnestly.*

He/It: "Is 'Evil Geb' what he sounds like?"

Gebohq: "Oh, totally. He's like me, only evil. And way shallower."

He/It: "I see."

Gebohq: "Oh yeah. No principles at all."

He/It: "...No principles."

*Geb nods some more.*

He/It: "Alright, Geb. I'll humor you for now. I'll bring us to your opposite point in NeShattered."

Gebohq: "But you can't see anything."

He/It: "If there really is an 'Evil' Geb then he'll be enough like you for me to see something. Put simply, I'll be looking for a hole in the story shaped like you. Like an outline. If this 'Evil Geb' even exists."

*He/It makes the quotation marks with his fingers as he talks.*

Gebohq: "Or sometimes they call him 'Shattered Geb'.

Originally posted by quesadilla_red
*Mimiru, Subaru, and CoolMatty look as Geb and the swingset pop back into existance*

Gebohq: *looks over his shoulder* You're still here? Wait...why didn't we just go to Evil Geb's villainous crib?

He/It: *shrugs and straches his chin* My powers are limited here. I can't just poof anywhere, y'know. Anyways, I'm figuing by staying around you, this makes finding your 'Evil Geb' easier to find.

Gebohq: How long are you going to be following me?

He/It: How ever long it takes. *smokes*

Gebohq: Do you think you could at least take a shower...uh...NeS?

He/It: Or Rick.

Gebohq: Right.

Miramu: Uh...Geb?
2006-09-15, 8:59 PM #45
Originally posted by The Last True Evil
Elsewhere in the desert, Sem, Sarn, Sok and TLTE are sitting on their floating sand fortress. Looking for trouble, as it were. TLTE is looking the least happy with his predicament; partially because his name starts with 'T' and not 'S', distancing him from his cohort, but also for a more pragmatic reason.

TLTE: This is the stupidest plan I've ever been fooled into being a part of.

Sem: That's good! Act all cranky and evil, we'll need it to fool the story conventions into making us win...

TLTE: I'm going to kill you.

Sem: Wow, you're really good at this -

Sok: I think he's being serious.

Sarn: He's got that kind of dancing light in his eyes he used to get just before launching an ICBM at us.

TLTE restrains himself from violence, venting his anger in a series of mumbles and grumbles.

TLTE: I once hid myself inside a Siberian Tiger to get the drop on an American spy, and this is still the most offensive waste of my time I've ever endured.

Sok: Wasn't it originally YOUR idea to try something original to defeat this Evil Gebohq?

TLTE: Exactly! Something original! Key word - SOMETHING! Though original, this is a complete nothing - we're kicking back on a levitating sand dune and furrowing our brows in a feeble mockery of evilness...we may as well be taking a nap, for Stalin's sake!

Sarn: Now, that's an interesting -

And like that, he is asleep, and snoring loudly.

Sem: Well, what say you and I team up and search the dunes? Sok can watch the, er, sand fortress.

TLTE: Yeah, I'd rather not team up with someone who recently stabbed me in the back and physically assaulted me.

Sem: Oh, that! Come on, don't hold a grudge!

TLTE: ....fine. I'm not holding a grudge. But if you try to follow me, I'll shoot you again. And more comprehensively this time.

He turns and leaps off the sand fortress, landing with a soft thud on the dunes. A grim expression on his face, he begins wading away from the shadow of the massive floating structure, boots making deep impressions in the sand even as they are momentarily blown away by a gentle wind.

Back at Shattered Geb's Forbidden Fortress of--er... that is, his Palace of Power? Whatever it's called--

(S.) Geb: Hey!


(S.) Geb: Don't "whatever" on the stuff about me! Or I'll--

Or you'll what?

(S.) Geb: I'll write you off!

Well that's why the story's turned to focus on you, actually. It seems you've scared off the writers.

(S.) Geb: WHAT? I've done no such thing! They're just being lazy and picky!

They're being that too, I'm sure, but think about it -- if they write something you don't like, you'll end up "editing" it.

(S.) Geb: And...?

And that usually keeps them from writing. They like to keep what they've written. Also, you're not a very good editor.

(S.) Geb: The hell with you! I don't need writers! I own this place! I can do whatever I want!

I'm sure you could, but you and I know that's not really the same. It's not your style. Besides, you don't have the power to control like that on such a large scale.

(S.) Geb: Shut up, Narrator...

Young: Oh well, guess that means you'll have to send me back, right?

(S.) Geb: NO!

Young: It was worth a shot...

(S.) Geb: So what am I supposed to do? Beg for them to come back? Let them make me LOSE?

Hardly! There's some pretty sado-masochistic writers around. Just give them something to work with, use your story-wielding to make things a little more dramatic, even if they're not in your favor at first. You know, like how you could be taking a gun and shooting the hero but instead opt for the over-elaborate trap?

(S.) Geb: Right right, I getcha. Hmm, something interesting, huh? Hey Young!

Young: Yes?

(S.) Geb: You're going to get some air time.

Young: Huh?

(S.) Geb: You know how in epic fantasy stories, an image of the maiden in trouble appears before the heroes, hovering in the air, crying for help and giving them just enough help to lead them to the villain as part of the big villain's evil scheme to lure them into a trap?


(S.) Geb: Oh. Well good, because that's certainly not what we're doing...

Young: I would have thought otherwise.

(S.) Geb: Don't get smart with me! Now get moving to the VOAM (vision of a maiden) broadcasting center!

Shattered Geb then pokes Young in the butt with the sharp end of his NeSword. She hops forward to avoid, and starts moving at his command. Will the writers come back? Will... well, we'll just stick with that one for now.

(NSP: This came off as a bit more of a jab than I meant it to -- really, I didn't mean to jab at all. I was actually feeling a bit uninspired myself, so I just went with this. Maybe it'll have inspired you all, I dunno. =/...)
Originally posted by Cool Matty
(S.) Geb: Alright, just look at the red dot and start talking.

Young: Do I have to? My hair is a MESS!

(S.) Geb: Do it or I'll edit the hair right off of you!

Young: *cough cough*

Young begins speaking, in the most dull, bored, and overly uncaring voice possible

Young: Fellow heroes, I have been kidnapped by the horrible Shattered Gebohq. I am in terrible danger, lots of pain, chance of exposing sensitive info, yadda yadda yadda.

Back in the desert, Geb, CM, Rick and the gang watch this damsel in distress broadcast displayed in front of them, like a hologram...

Young: So then I told him, "No way, glazed is FAR superior to chocolate donuts! Chocolate is for CANDY!" But would he listen? Of COURSE not. Men!"

CM: So how long has she been talking now?

Rick checks his rather grimey looking watch

Rick: About 10 minutes... no wait... that's an hour hand *rubs some mud off the face*... 2 hours.

Mimiru: She's the chattiest girl I've ever seen.

Subaru: It's your fault. You taught her that.

Mimiru: Did not!

Subaru: Did too!

Mimiru: Did not!

Subaru: Did too!

CM: Oh great, just what we need, more annoying girls.

Mimiru: What did you say? You take that back!

CM: Like hell! Why should I?

Mimiru: Because I am your FI-AN-CE, that's why!

Rick: Maybe I should have stayed in NeS2, at least it was quieter there...

Geb: At least you aren't next to them all the time.


In another part of the desert:

Sem: Hah, yak away Young! We're evil now, we don't care! Off with your head! Ha ha ha!

TLTE: Someone, tell me, why killing them is a bad thing. I am just not seeing it.

Sem: So, how we gonna get Sarn here awake?

TLTE replies by drawing a Smith & Wesson and firing right past Sarn's foot. Sarn doesn't even twitch.

Sem: I think Young's continuous whining dull voice is masking it...

TLTE: Fine, then I'll just shoot him and we can kick his corpse along the rest of the way, for sport.

Sem: Geez TLTE, don't you think you're taking this a BIT too seriously?

TLTE: Alright, I'll compromise. Your corpse instead of his.

Sem: Very funny. Now help me pick him up so we can get as far away from this lady's voice as possible.


Suddenly (NeS Count: Does this even work in shattered?), Wai wanders into the desert.

Wai: Just as Thand feared. Young is an unpredictable entity, and will need to be controlled extensively if she is to be useful to us. I'll need to remain here, in Shattered, monitoring her while Thand continues his work back in the 8th dimension. I can't get close to Young, not with S. Geb's editing power. I'll probably be able to do the most good with CM's group.

Wai does a scan of the desert, and locates a small group of lifeforms. He proceeds to wander over there.

Mimiru: You're such an idiot, why did I agree to marry you?!

CM: Wai, tell her she's taking things out of.... wait... Wai?!

Wai: You're surprised?

CM: Well it's just... you never are around unless something is happening... and well...

Subaru: Gah, MEN! I don't see how you can marry one, Mimiru.

Mimiru: Oh don't give me that. I know you have a secret crush on...

Rick: Ahem! Don't we have something better to do?

Geb: Yeah, Rick isn't getting any cleaner!

Rick: Hey, see how YOU look when you're the physical manifestation of all this CRAP.

CM: Crap?! What crap? You sayin we're crap?

Subaru: I think I'm getting a migrane...

Wai: All of you, stop it! We're not getting any closer to S. Geb and Young, so let's get moving!

Mimiru: Right, yeah, let's go.

The group begins walking towards the east, hoping to arrive somewhere...anywhere.

Wai: Hey, who are you, anyway?

Rick: Me? Oh, I'm Rick.

Geb: He's the physical manifestation of NeS2.

Wai: Interesting, well, nice to meet you.

Rick: Nice to see you in "the flesh", for once!

Rick: Get it? You're an android! You don't have flesh!


Rick: Oh, right. Haha, sorry.


Wai (to himself): The physical manifestation of NeS2? Here? Maybe I won't be staying in Shattered for long. This is certainly something Thand needs to be made aware of.

What will happen next? Will Antestarr finally find a joke he LIKES? Will Rick ever take a bath? And will CM and Mimiru ever hold a stable relationship? It's like a soap opera! Stay tuned!

(NSP: This is because I like having all my peoples in one group, and because I just remembered that the tumbleweed is around... <.<; )

Rick: Did you say something?

Wai: What? No... <.<

Rick: Right then. Is anyone else feeling a bit hot?

Subaru: Now that you mention it, yeah.

CoolMatty: Well we HAVE been standing around in a desert!

"A." tumbleweed drifts by the heroes, under the searing heat of the sun at high noon...

*cue Western-genre showdown music as a number of deadly gunslingers suddenly appear*

Mimiru: Wha...?

Geb: Freakin' hell... GO AWAY--

The gunslingers start firing, and one of them hits their mark. Gebohq doubles over. CoolMatty, Mimiru and Subaru rush to Geb's side.

Geb: I'm fine. Ow... might I suggest we run away?

CoolMatty: Good idea. Wai, help Geb-- and he's gone. Subaru, help Geb, we're outta here!

Subaru: I will as soon as I can catch up with him!

The group runs away from the deadly gunslingers. Elsewhere in the desert...

Sem: Come back, TLTE! Show me some love!

TLTE: -__-#....

Sem: Or not. Wake up, Sarn.

Semievil pushes Sarn off the floating island fortress. Sarn violently wakes up when he falls.

Sarn: AHHHH! NOT THE SHARP ROCKS! DAMN YOU MAYAAL! What the-- oh, I'm still here. Hi TLTE. Hi tumbleweed.

Sem: Haven't I seen that somewhere before...?

"A." tumbleweed drifts by Sok Monkey, Semievil, Sarn Cadrill and The Last True Evil, and over a generic mound of sand, or dune...

*cue silence*

Suddenly, a giant scary sand-worm thing leaps out of the sand, eating Sok Monkey and the floating island fortress whole, miraculously missing Semievil as he falls to the ground.

Semievil: My flying island fortress, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

TLTE: Uh, and Sok Munkey?

Semievil: Eh. I'm sure he's fine.

TLTE: Want to check for yourself? That thing's coming back for seconds.

Semievil: I... think I'll pass.

TLTE: OK, here's what we do. Sarn, you--


Sarn Cadrill sprints away.

Sem: I like his idea. GAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

TLTE: *sigh* Writers....

The Last True Evil runs with Semievil and Sarn Cadrill, away from the sand-worm monster. Meanwhile (NeShattered count: 2?), in yet ANOTHER part of the desert...

Sugarless: Damn it's hot here. If I knew I was gonna be here, I wouldn't have worn this hoodie.

Antestarr: Yeah, costume changes can be difficult in these epic fantasy-type stories.

Otter: You could always take it off... :cool:

Qhobeg smacks Otter on the back of the head.

Otter: OW!

Sugarless: Thanks.

"A." tumbleweed drifts past Antestarr, Ariana, The Otter, Qhobeg and Sugarless, and heads towards the dark tower...

*cue Stephen King-esque horror music as a single gunslinger approaches.*

Ariana: For some reason, I was really expecting a Columbian drug lord.

Sugarless: So what do we do now, Antestarr? ...Antestarr? Where'd he go?

Qhobeg: I guess he ran away? I happen to like that idea.

Qhobeg starts running away. In a state of confusion, Ariana and Sugarless follow him.

Otter: Cowards! It's just one guy! We can take him!

A single shot is fired, and Otter's hat goes flying off.


The Otter bolts for it, catching up with Sugarless and Ariana, who are trying to keep up with Qhobeg...

Qhobeg: *huff huff*... Oh dear, I'm becoming delirious from heat stroke! I'm seeing double!

Geb: So am I!

Qho: My hallucination is talking to me! No wait, it's Geb.

Geb: Nice to see you again. *huff huff* How are things with you?

Qho: Crap. Me and some others are running away from a gunslinger-type.

Qhobeg thumbs behind him, pointing to Ariana, Sugarless, and The Otter, running away from a single gunslinger, who is firing the occasional shot at their feet.

Geb: You think YOU have it bad? Me and the people I'm with are running away from multiple gunslinger-types!

Gebohq tumbs behind him, pointing to CoolMatty, Mimiru, Subaru and Rick, running away from multiple gunslinger-types, who are firing wildly at them.

Sarn: That's nothing!

Qho: GAH! Another hallucination!

Geb: That's Sarn! What are you doing here?

Sarn: Me and the others are running away from a FREAKING GIANT SAND WORM MONSTER!

Gebohq and Qhobeg look behind Sarn, to see Semievil and The Last True Evil, running away from a giant sand worm monster.

Qho: Wow. *huff huff* You really do have it bad.

Geb: Bah! I've been wounded!

Sarn: *huff huff* I hope that semblence of civilization isn't too far away, I'm getting sick of running!

Egads! What will happen next? All these people together might get sort of messy.

*The camera stands still as we see Gebohq, Qhobeg and Sarn Cadrill running by, then CoolMatty, Semievil, Ariana, Mimiru, Subaru, Sugarless, The Last True Evil, Rick, and The Otter running by, then the number of deadly gunslingers, the giant sand worm monster, and a single, calmer gunslinger running by. Then nothing.

Then the tumbleweed drifts into view, pivots in place as if looking from left to right, and continues drifting by...*

Oh, that sneaky tumbleweed!

Originally posted by Cool Matty
Wai reappears in a separate portion of the desert, and opens a communication channel back to Hell in NeS2

Wai: I need to be transported back.

Demonguard (on the radio): Um, you just got there.

Wai: And now I need to come back.

Demonguard: Well, it doesn't matter. Your ticket was one way only.

Wai: I don't think you understand. You WILL bring me back there.

Demonguard: I don't think YOU understand ME. I am holding the controls here, I say who comes and goes.

Wai: Put Jim7 on the line.

Demonguard: Whatever.

*pause, a little bit of arguing, and then a rustle*

Jim7: Well, you're ready to come back already, eh?

Wai: Yes.

Jim7: That's too bad. You won't be coming back, at least not with my help.

Wai: You know what I'll do if you don't.

Jim7: Oh, THAT? Hah, well it seems I know it too. The thing exists in Hell, not the Shattered realm. As long as you remain where you are, you can't do a damn thing to me.

Wai: I have contingency plans. I'll contact my group on standby via this same broadcast...

Jim7: This broadcast runs on my network. And it seems something terrible has happened.

*Sounds of crashing and explosions are heard*

Jim7: oh, you're breaking up! We're losin--- SHSSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

On the other side of the line, back at Hell in NeS2

Jim7: Don't touch a thing until I tell you to. I can't have him returning before I set my plan in place to capture and irradicate him.

Demonguard: So... I get a vacation?

Jim7: *sigh* ... Yes.


Back with Wai, in the desert, things are not so solid.

Wai: Damnit! I've got to get this message across to Thand before Rick returns to NeS2! I guess I'll head back to the group for now. They're bound to stumble upon a transportation device ... eventually.
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2006-09-23, 1:00 AM #46
Meanwhile (NeShattered count 3? (I think)) Sarn suddenly stops running. He sways slightly, then regains his footing. The others turn back.

Geb: "Sarn, what are you doing?? We're being chased by a group of gunslingers, a long gunslinger and FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTER! This is no time to stop running."

Sarn: "Uh, I'm not sure.. Suddenly I feel kind of... strange."

Qhobeg: "Eh?"

Sarn: "As if... It's like I've... had too much to drink. I'm kinda dizzy, and my vision's kinda.. weird and such.

*A bullet slams into the dirt inches from Sarn's foot.*

Geb: "Someone grab him! We've got to get out of here.

TLTE: (shouting from the back) "Let me just shoot him and be done with it! He IS the weakest link. Goodbye."

Sem: (to TLTE) "Ok, I was going along with the whole "turning evil" thing, but really, didn't we go over this already?"

Qhobeg: "Real funny, TLTE! I've got him, Geb."

*Qhobeg runs back to where Sarn stands, swaying slightly and blinking in the sunlight.*

Qhobeg: "You ok, buddy?"

Sarn: "Who are you calling "buddy" Ensign? That's Captain Cadpill to you!"

*Qhobeg rolls his eyes and glances to Geb.*

Geb: "Just go with it. It's kind of a multiple personality disorder thing. Call him Captain."

Qhobeg: "Uhh, sorry about the breach in protocol, Captain. But we need to get out of here. We're severely outmatched. The uhh... regs call for a retreat."

Sarn: "Retreat? You've got to be kidding me. I'm the famouse Captain Cadpill. I don't retreat. Don't worry. It'll be fine. We're main characters."

Qhobeg: "But you just called me, Ensign. I've seen enough Star Trek episodes to know that the ensigns always die."

Sarn: "Well you might be ok. To be honest I wasn't sure what rank you are, since you're out of uniform, but I was just covering my bases cause the only time a main character dies is when there are no ensigns around to die first. So, in that light, you're officially demoted slash promoted to ensign. By the way, have some respect for protocol and call me Sir."

Qhobeg: "Uhh, right, Sir. Might I make a suggestion?"

*The group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS are uhh... still... approaching.*

Geb: "Narrator, shut up already. You're making this comedic discourse even worse. Let's just call it the author's control over time elements."

*Whatever. I don't even know why I do this job. It's not like I'll ever get recognition...*

Geb: "Hey, at least we're talking to you. It's not like the characters ever talk to the narrator in any *other* stories."


Qhobeg: "Excuse me, could we get back to my suggestion? It's not like the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS are getting any farther away."

*Well.. actually they seem to be frozen in pla-*

Geb: "Shut up already! Jeez, you try to write a good story, and some lousy, smart-mouthed narrator's gotta come along..."

Qhobeg: "Ahem, anyway my suggestion?"

Sarn: "You're only a ensign. You can't make suggestions. Leave that up to the important crewmembers, such as, for example... The Captain."

*Sarn flourishes his hand in a "take charge" sort of gesture.*

Geb: "See? Now that's how a narrator's supposed to narrate."

*Shut up.*

Qhobeg: "Uhh, Sir. You don't understand. We have to retreat!"

Sarn: "No we don't. We've been standing here for almost 10 minutes now, and the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS haven't gotten any closer. Why should we retreat?"

*Suddenly the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS begin to close in on the group of heroes.*

Sarn: "You've got the be the worst narrator ever... No matter. While we've been talking, I've devised a brilliant plan to avoid the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS. We're going to hastily advance in... that direction."

*Sarn points away from the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS, in the way the group had been running originally.*

Qhobeg: "Oh, that's a brilliant plan... Captain."

*Qhobeg rolls his eyes sarcastically, but Sarn doesn't seem to notice.*

Sarn: "That's the attitude I like, Ensign. Keep that up and you'll see a career advancement."

Qhobeg: "Didn't the narrator say the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS were closing in? We've been talking for like five minutes since then, and they're still not here. What gives?"

Geb: "Qhobeg, you're not making this any easier."

Qhobeg: "Right, sorry. Shall I lead the retrea- err... advance, Captain Cadpill?"

Sarn: "I'm the Captain. I'll lead the advance. First, we'll need to split into Firetea-"

*Geb screams suddenly. Sarn glances up in surprise.*

Sarn: "eh?"

Geb: "I had to distract you. We can't use that term, remember? We're low -budget. We can't afford to pay the royalties."

Sarn: "Well that's no good. We'll have to expend valuable time coming up with a new term."

Qhobeg: "Why don't we call them "Taskgroups" Sir?"

Sarn: "That's a horrible idea. Completely unoriginal. But fear not. I've thought of a perfect thing to call them while we've been standing here just now."

Qhobeg: "Right, and as the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS have somehow *not* gotten closer to us."

Sarn: "eh?"

Qhobeg: "Nevermind. What's your plan, uhh... Sir?"

Sarn: "We'll call them "Task Groups."

*Sarn smiles smugly*

Qhobeg: "Wait, that's exactly what I wanted to call them, except you put a space between "task" and "groups."

Sarn: "Were you talking to me just now, Ensign? I didn't hear you say "Sir."

*Qhobeg rolls his eyes again. Sarn once again doesn't seem to notice and takes Qhobeg's silence for submission.*

Sarn: "Right then. Now, normally I would put a great deal of thought into the division of the Task Groups, but as we are pressed for time, we'll use two Task Groups. Task Group "A" will consist of Geb, TLTE, and myself. Task Group "B" will consist of everyone else."

Qhobeg: "Wait, I'm not in Task Group "A"? I've been a major part of this post."

Sarn: "True, but Task Group "B" is designed to be expendable, and you're an ensign. And besides, I don't much like you."

Qhobeg: "Pfft, It's a shame TLTE didn't shoot you earlier."

Sarn: "What was that, Ensign?"

Qhobeg: "Nothing, CAPTAIN."

Sarn: "Right then. Now listen up. Task Groups "A" and "B"! Advance!

*The two "Task Groups" advance away from the approaching group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS, who seem to suddenly be right on their respective tails as this scene draws to a close. Will Sarn get back to his old self? Will Qhobeg lose his patience and murder Sarn first? Will the plot ever advance? Will... oh forget it. I'm getting a beer.*

Cool Matty: "What a stupid scene. We didn't even have any lines. As if anyone's going to believe that we just sat around the whole time while Geb, Sarn, and Qhobeg had a 20 minute conversation."

Miramu: "No kidding. And why did Sarn ever stop running in the first place?"

Sarn the Writer: "Ahem, guys. The scene's over, and you're supposed to be running."

Miramu: "Yeah, but we're not, and that's your fault. You're the writer."

*Suddenly, Miramu's pants fall down around her ankles. She stumbles in the dirt. All the members of Task Groups "A" and "B" turn around to face her, pointing and laughing.*

Miramu: "That wasn't funny."

*Miramu pulls her pants up unceremoniously*

Sarn the Writer: "hehe, yes it was. Wasn't it funny guys?"

*The heroes nod vigorously.*

Sarn the Writer: "See?"

Miramu: "Pfft, you just made them nod vigorously. They didn't really mean it."

Sarn the Writer: "So?"

Miramu: "Anyway, wasn't this scene supposed to be over? The narrator already went through his cliched closing questions."

Sarn the Writer: "True, but then I had an idea for this conversation."

Miramu: "Whatever. Are we ever gonna face the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS or are we gonna just keep running? Because seriously between all of us and our powers and skills and whatnot, I think we could take them. And another thing. Why do we keep saying "group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS" anyway? Why don't we just say "the villians" or something?"

Sarn the Writer: "Hey, I'm the writer. And you're a hero. I'll decide what you guys say. Clear, Miramu?"

Miramu: "Yes, insanely good looking master of everything."

Sarn the Writer: "Much better."

Miramu: "But... but... you just made me say that! I didn't really mean it! These working conditions are horrible! I demand a higher salary! I demand some recognition! I demand..."

*The curtain falls in front of Miramu and her cries are drowned out.*
Originally posted by Semievil333
Sem comes to the head of Task Group B and turns around. All the evil monsters and everyone in group A goes into timestop mode.

Sem: As group leader, I would like to take this time to lay out our gameplan.

Qhobeg: Why are you the leader?

Sem: Sarn just said so.

Qhobeg: I didn't hear him say so.

Sem: Hey Sarn, if you want me to be leader, just stand there and don't move!

Sarn stands frozen at the head of group A.

Sem: See?

CM: But he's in timestop! Speaking of, why is he in timestop?

Sem: Because I'm monologuing, or at least I would be if you would shut up. When the leader of a troop of villains monologues, the rest of the universe stops. Now, our job is to breach the fortress protecting Geb's lair, so that team A can res... err... kidnap the princess from the clutches... err... from the bliss of her wedding night. Tumbleweed here will go first to gather intelligence. Are there any questions?

CM: What about the approaching group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS?

Sem: They will be on hold for the duration of this scene, and will pursue team A into the breached fortress for dramatic effect once our mission has been accomplished.

With that, Sem hurls the tumbleweed at the fortress gate, which the camera now pans to reveal has been right down at the bottom of this dune the whole time. Tumbleweed rattles indignantly as it bounces along and strikes the gate?

Voice behind the gate: Yes, yes, hello? Who is it?

A familiar pair of faces appear at the ramparts. It is Maybechild and Losien, along with a posse of unfriendly-looking Greenpeace operatives.

Maybe: Litterbugs!

With a horrified gasp at Tumbleweed Losien reaches down with a very long trash poker and stabs it, pulling it up and throwing it into a very large trashcan. It rustles pitiably, as the other members of team B duck out of sight, leaving Sem alone on the top of the dune.

Sem: Greenpeas! Let us into the fortress or we shall litter for a second time!

Losien: Hah! You cannot threaten us! All of the world's precious natural resources are safely guarded within these very walls!

Meanwhile (Total NeS count: Meanwhile, in base 36.... fine, about 74.56332 trillion for you base 10 freaks) Evil Geb is talking to a random underling.

E-geb: I had all the world's water, animals and trees moved inside the fortress, and now Greenpeace guards it for free!

Cut back to team B, hiding behind a dune

Sem: Ok guys, we need a gameplan. Qhobeg, you go.

With that, Qhobeg is hurled unceremoniously down the dune. Thus exposed he is quickly riddled with bullets and dies immediately.

Qhobeg: Actually I'm not quite dead yet...

Fine, fine, you live, but let's spare the audience the obvious next few gags and just ignore you for the rest of the post.

Qhobeg: Aww...

By the time the camera pans back to Sem however, he is standing next to a large tree with a comically oversized herring.

Maybe: *gasp!*

Sem: I'll do it! I swear I will!

The Greenpeas open fire immediately, but the top of the dune is conveniently just out of range.

Losien: Stop shooting you idiots! That could be the last tree outside of captivity in the world!

Maybe: And that is a rare, endangered, comically oversized herring! I thought they were a myth!

Sem: Here CM, start chopping.

Losien: The tree!!!

Maybe: The herring!!!

Greenpeas: The humanity!!!!!!!

As CM takes his first swing the horrified Losien, followed swiftly by Maybe and the Greenpeas (which, by the way, would be an excellent name for a rock band) charge out of the fortress and up the dune to the rescue of the tree and fish. Too late they realize it was all a clever rouse: The tree is a cardboard standup and the fish is an inflatable pool toy, but they have left the fortress totally unguarded. Sem and the members of team B not engaged in cutting down cardboard trees sneak in the open gate and bolt it closed behind them.

Maybe: Gasp! Alarm! We have been foiled! We are defeated!

Greenpea #1: Shouldn't we execute the prisoner in revenge?

Losien: How would we do that? We were just defeated.

Greenpea #2: He's right here, unarmed! And we have guns!

Maybe: You're right, we should turn over our guns to him now that we have been defeated so totally defeated.

CM: Sweet!

Just as they load up CM with the last of their guns, Sem flings the doors of the fortress open to admit team A, followed shortly by the approaching group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS. The Greenpeas, seeing their oppourtunity, immediately turn on the surrounded CM.

CM: Ehh... heheh... let me just... uhh what's that over there!?!? *poof*

Teleporting himself and his newfound arsenal back to the rest of team B inside the fortress, slams the gates shut and collapses, out cold.

Originally posted by Gebohq
Outside the gates, Maybechild whips out a walkie-talkie.

Maybe: Come in, Little Drummer Boy. This is Lead Singer, over.

"Little Drummer Boy": (through the walkie-talkie) Do you have to call me that?

Maybe: What? You're little. And that's something, coming from me. Get the band together and have them meet me at the Conviniently Abandoned Bar. Put signs up that we're gonna be playing soon.

LDB: Why? There's a reason it's abandoned, after all. No one will be there.

Maybe: Oh, people will be there, once they find out who's gonna be there. Also, tell Bob and Steve to open the gates.

LDB: Yes ma'am.

Maybe: Come on, Losien. We have some things to take care of...

The camera swipes to the highest towers of Shattered Geb's palace.

(S.) Geb: Alright, those foolish heroes are within the city walls now. We won't need you in the VOAM room now. However, the two of us will be announcing our wedding day to the whole of the universe now, so you're going to come with me to the Villainous Announcements Studio.

Young: And if I don't?

(S.) Geb: Then I'll kill you here and now.

Young: You can't do that. My mother won't let you.

(S.) Geb: Willing to bet your life on that, here, so far away from your "mother?" Even if I don't kill you, there are other things I could do that would make you wish for death. Besides, I have a feeling you'll go along with me.

Young looks at the Shattered Geb as if he had read her mind. After a few moments, Young starts to walk, Shattered Geb walking beside her, though not holding her upper arm as he usually did. He gets out an index card and hands it to her.

(S.) Geb: You will say this when the man with the cue card signals you to. You should become familiar with it, as we'll be on the air shortly.

Young reads the card, then looks up with horror.

Young: So soon? But they'll never get here in time!

(S.) Geb: We'll see about that.

On the other side of the huge walls, Gebohq, The Last True Evil, Sarn Cadrill, Semievil, Ariana (carrying a heavily-wounded Qhobeg), Mimiru, Subaru, Sugarless, Rick, and The Otter continue running, taking little time to notice the massive, Eden-like city they were running through. CoolMatty teleports nearby and joins the mass-group again.

Rick: Is anyone else really thirsty?

Sugarless: I think I see a Denny's farther down.

Rick: Um, is there another place we could go to?

Sugarless: What's wrong with Denny's?

TLTE: This isn't the time, people!

Semievil spots a Convinently Abandoned Bar nearby, with a sign that says "Now Playing: Maybechild and the Greenpeas!"

Sem: Quick, in there, before anyone notices!

Everyone piles into the bar. Had they known that a number of Greenpeace forces had captured and released the giant sand worm back into "the wild where it belonged" and arressted the one group of gunslingers, the heroes might have taken their time. Had they known that the lone gunslinger snuck in the bar through the back, and known more about him... well, let's just say it's best they don't know.

The bar is, in fact, conviniently abandoned, save for a small hippie-like half-jazz half-rock'n'roll band playing on a stage, with Maybechild at the microphone singing. A few TVs hang behind the bar counter, turned on but now showing anything. The heroes sit in five tables clumped close together.

Sarn: Why did we stop here?

Sem: It's a good hiding place, for now, and we could use something to drink. And for those of you who don't know, Maybe's a friend of ours. Whatever she's doing here, she'll help us out.

Gebohq, upon seeing Maybechild, tried hiding in his seat rather pitifully.

CoolMatty: So... do we get drinks ourselves then?

CoolMatty's question goes unanswered though, as the TVs come to life. The music stops, and everyone pays attention to the monitors, which are showing what appear to be Gebohq (though known to everyone as the Geb of NeShattered). He is in a formal nightrobe attire, sitting in a old-fashioned leather chair next to a warmly-lit fireplace.

"Gebohq": Good evening, everyone. Most, if not all of you, know me as a hated villain of the world. For over a thousand years, whenever any shed of hope that goodness would come to your lives, I have been there to stop it. In recent times, however, I have been absent. I, with my great evil, had been the only thing keeping this world from dying. I abandoned my home in hopes of conquoring another world. But now... now I have returned a changed man, thanks to this young woman from that other world.

"Gebohq" stood up as he continued speaking, and held out his arms. Young, with her curly blue hair running past down her shoulders, stood beside "Gebohq," dressed in an incredible dress fit for a princess.

"Gebohq": A woman named Young, from that foreign world, changed my ways. Inspired by her own strength and beauty, I returned here, vowing to un-do the evil which I have caused over the centuries. With our combined power and love, we harnessed what little good and life there was in this world and brought it here, to start anew. We have brought people from the other world to guard our new Jerusalem -- if you will pardon my dramatic flair, for a new Jerusalem is the best I can describe my new home now. This change has happened practically overnight, so many of you may not yet realize how your home now looks.

The camera, which has been focused on "Gebohq" and Young, cuts to a sweeping shot high above a city in harmony with nature, with a blend of rivers and roads, forests and buildings alike spread across the landscape. Occasionally, we the readers see "outside" the broadcast, seeing the people in those streets looking up at large, horizontal (not vertical!) monitors hanging on the sides of buildings and between giant poles like banners.

"Gebohq": This is a place that can not be found anywhere but here, a place that can not be touched by the evils of old, not if I have anything to do about it. Soon, many people from that other world will come to help expand our new home across the whole of the earth once again. But that is only the beginning of this new 'age! One day, in our near future, we will unify our world and theirs in harmony. But before we can do that, we must finish the first chapter of this new 'age, with the forging of a covenant with my new love...

The camera cuts back to "Gebohq" and Young.

"Gebohq": To cut right to the point, I proposed to this lovely lady to marry me, and she accepted.

Young, whom up to this point had been standing complacently with vacent eyes at the camera, began to speak as if reading off from a cue card.

Young: I am happy to announce that our wedding will be held at noon, on the twenty-fifth of December, here at our home.

"Gebohq": That's right -- we're inviting EVERYONE who wants to come, including the workers from the other world. So please, welcome them to our home. Do not concern yourselves with their future as of yet. Let us all together celebrate with new love!

The TVs resume to their normal active but program-less states. Everybody looks worried.

Sugarless: I may not know much of what's going on here, but I know we better do something soon. We can't sit around here -- we don't have much time as it is.

Rick: Not to rain on your parade, but when's the last time any of you have eaten or drank anything? Slept? Taken a shower?

Everyone looks at Rick.

Rick: ...nevermind.

TLTE: The girl's right. We need to press on before it's too late.

Geb: I dunno...

Subaru: Don't MAKE me drag your butt all the way there, Geb!

Subaru grabs Gebohq by his arm and pulls him to the door, as the other heroes get up (some grudgingly) to follow. As Subaru opens the door, however, a mass of locals surround them.

Local #144: Look, it really IS him!

Local #69: And is that the woman Young with him?

The mob of locals start running to the door, and Subaru quickly runs back inside the bar with Gebohq, closing the door behind. She starts barring the door with chairs and tables.

Subaru: They think Geb's in here. Their Geb!

TLTE: How would they know? Unless--

Maybe: Unless someone told them? You're surrounded.

Sem: Uh, Maybe? What gives?

Losien enters from behind the bar.

Losien: Can I take your order?

Originally posted by The Last True Evil
TLTE's eyes lighten up instantly.

TLTE: Losien! I thought it was you -

He takes an involuntary step backwards as Geb's scorned sister leaps the bar and places her hands on her hips, Princess Leia style.

TLTE: Oh, borscht. What have I done?

Losien: *******!

She slaps him viciously, and he takes an involuntary step backwards. The rest of the crowd watch this domestic dispute with uncharacteristic unease, considering all the horror and evil they face on a daily basis.

TLTE: What is it? It's not Valentine's day, is it?

SLAP! TLTE staggers backwards again.

Losien: Leaving me to fend for myself, in the middle of this hellhole, without sending a postcard...what kind of man ARE you?!

TLTE: were the one who deciding to leave for parts unknown, darling, I didn't know where to -

Another terrific blow, and TLTE almost loses his footing as he stumbles away from his militant love interest. The crowd are banging noisily on the Conveniently Abandoned Bar's doors, but it sounds almost benign compared to the rough sound of hand forcibly applied to face.

TLTE: Wait, wait! Losien, моя любовь, мой little воробей; I haven't seen you for so long, and I've missed you. We're surrounded by friends here, and we have the potential opportunity to save millions of lives by stopping the plans of your brother's evil counterpart! We're OK! So, please...can't we resolve this without violence?

Losien smiles sweetly, the picture of innocence.

TLTE and the NeSHeroes relax, visibly calming.

Then - without ANY warning, and displaying her heroic potential - Losien deals a magnificent uppercut to TLTE, knocking him almost vertically off his feet and sending him crashing to the wooden floor where he smashes straight through, obliterating the floorboards and sending him hurtling into the unknown recesses of the bar.

CM: ....ouch.

Maybechild: Well, another happy couple resolves their issues within the boundaries of a peaceful discussion. Someone will have to get him out of the basement, then.

Losien's face changes, from the first time since she has appeared, from anger. It changes to blank confusion.

Losien: This bar doesn't have a basement.


TLTE returns to consciousness at about the point Losien utters these words. Her voice drifts to him vaguely, from about fifty feet above him.

TLTE: Where the hell am I?

He slowly pushes himself up to his elbows, wiping dust off his coat and pushing floorboads off his legs. TLTE is in a subterranean chamber, lying in a pool of light from the hole above him. Apart from that light, there is no illumination in the chamber, which can be seen - barely - to be made out of cinderblock. It looks almost like a dungeon...but in a city?

TLTE: Hello? Hello? Есть ли здесь русские?

Nothing, at first. Then, in a whispered voice:

Voice: Nearly time, now.

TLTE: What? Who said that?

Voice: 5...4...3...2...1...

And then, with a "whoosh" noise, approximately two dozen candleabras ignite into existence, betraying the darkness in an instant.

TLTE is in a small circular chamber with no discernable entry or exit, save the hole he crashed through. To one side of him is a small, makeshift bed - more a bundle of rags than a place to rest one's head. There are two small openings in the wall, but nothing more.

And standing in front of TLTE, quivering slightly with fear, is a little boy.

He cannot be older than 9 or 10, with straw-coloured hair and huge brown eyes that look fascinated and somehow pleadingly at TLTE's comparatively massive frame. His small hands are clasped in front of him, as if praying. Looking upon this frail-looking form, TLTE is seized by two immediate sensations. The first is intense pity for the boy. The second is the incomparable feeling that he is experiencing the most important moment of his life.

Boy: Please don't hurt me.

TLTE: ...what?

Boy: The candles go on every day, for exactly 12 hours, but you're not here when they do. You've never been here when they go on. Please don't hurt me.

TLTE: I...won't hurt you.

Boy: You promise?

He springs forward and grabs TLTE's old, weatherbeaten hand in his own two. The boy's hands look like tiny paws in TLTE's grasp.

Boy: Promise me that no matter what happens, you won't hurt me. I don't want to be hurt!

The young boy's earnest insistence makes TLTE grin with absurdity; but his cringing fear of harm tugs fiercely at the spymaster's heart.

TLTE: I will promise that, немного один, but I need your name.

Boy: Why? Will that make the promise bigger?

TLTE laughs heartily, but struggles to regain his seriousness.

TLTE: Da. It will make the promise "bigger".

The little boy smiles back eagerly, his eyes brilliant with joy as he replies.

Boy: My name is Amal, sir. And I'm nearly 11 years old.

TLTE gets onto one knee, still clasping his new acquaintance's hands, and looks sternly into his eyes.

TLTE: Well then: I promise you, Amal of nearly 11 years of age, that I will not hurt you for as long as I live.

Amal: Really?

TLTE: Or may the sky fall on me.

Absurdly, the little boy breaks free of TLTE's grasp and runs around his room, whooping and cheering, his tiny arms flailing in delight. TLTE smiles again, amazed at the unquenchably cheerful nature of this boy. After another pass, TLTE gently catches Amal and looks at him.

TLTE: long have you been in this room?

Amal: Almost...

He does some counting on his fingers.

Amal: ...longer than I remember, sir.

TLTE: And who brought you here?

Amal: My uncle. He said it was the only place in the world that I could grow up to be a good boy. My uncle loves me very much!

TLTE glances around at the small, cell-like room that Amal has apparently spent his entire childhood in.

TLTE: Yes. I'm looking forward to meeting him. Very much.

Amal: Oh, he was here just the other day. I doubt that he'll come back for a few years now.

TLTE: Years!

Amal: Yes, he only comes to teach me new things every now and then. I take care of myself mostly - through that hole -

He points to one of the openings.

Amal: - comes all of my food and water, and through the other hole -

He points to the other.

Amal: - come books.

TLTE: Books? Just books?

Amal: Sometimes, magazines. But mostly books. Uncle taught me how to read, but now I can do it completely without him. When I turn 11 I'll be even better at reading!

He beams with pride. TLTE watches him, experiencing a feeling that had previously been denied to him, or fed to him in small quantities when he had been with Losien.

The feeling eluded articulation...and then, in a flash, he had it.

Amal: What are you doing here, sir? Did uncle send you to teach me something?

TLTE:, Amal. But I...I think I've been looking for you.

Amal: Really? When did you lose me?

TLTE: About the beginning of my adult life. But I've found you again, and -

A burst of inspiration hits TLTE - a way to relate to the child in his realm of understanding.

TLTE: - and actually, your uncle has spoken to me. He has some great news, Amal.

Amal: Really?! What?

TLTE: You are nearly 11, and smart enough to come into the outside world.

Silence for almost a full minute. Then, the whooping and cheering begins again, redoubled to twice the intensity of before. TLTE watches the little boy celebrate, feeling, for the first time in his life, utterly content.

When Amal is finished, TLTE speaks again.

TLTE: I'm going to take you with me for a while. Then, when you've learned more, you can go back to your uncle and show him.

Amal: Oh, WOW! Thank you, sir...

TLTE: Please, call me "Tee-el-tee-ee." My friends do, and you'll be coming with them as well.

Amal: OK, TLTE. When do we go?

TLTE: Right now.

And as he turns his head to the shaft of light above and calls for a rescue, TLTE reflects on Amal, a young, promising life hidden beneath an uncaring city in the middle of a world of darkness and evil. He thinks about the feeling the boy has stirred in him, revived in his soul.

TLTE thinks of hope.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.
2006-10-12, 7:10 PM #47
Sarn: Wait…so where did TLTE go if there's no basement?

Rick: Hey, so…guys? Um, shouldn't we be going to stop this "Evil Geb?" *makes over-exaggerated quotation motions with her hands*

Maybechild: I think it would be best if you all stay here until this blows over. You just saw the excitement that's going outside. It'll be a lot safer here.

Rick: Oh…

TLTE: Anyone up there?

Rick: I-I mean, I really like weddings though.

Maybechild: I wish you liked showers more.

As Rick and Maybechild talk, Sugarless starts to sense something about Maybe's intentions on keeping the group away from the wedding. Sarn and Ariana help TLTE and Amal out of the base-erm-"underground cell."

Rick: Look, everyone's back! How nice! Let's get going to this wedding? What do you all say?

Geb: I really don't want to see any marriages…

Sarn: *looking at Amal* Who's this?

Sugarless: I kind of want to go to the wedding as well. *watches Maybechild's reaction*

Maybechild: *ignores Rick and Sugarless* So who wants a drink?

Sugarless: BAR FIGHT! *smashes beer bottle over Maybechild's head*
Originally posted by Gebohq
Maybechild stumbles backwards, then whistles. The other Greenpeace band members (and Greenpeace band technicians) close in on the others.

Maybe: Knock 'em out!

Ariana, CoolMatty, Mimiru, Subaru, The Otter, Qhobeg, Ricky, Sarn Cadrill, Semievil and Sugarless all arm themselves with the nearest improvised weapon they can grab hold of -- chairs, beer bottles, anything they can use non-lethally.

Cue pandemonium.

As bottles and chair legs fly through the air, The Last True Evil wraps his coat around Amal and quickly sneaks to a corner, lost in the chaos of the scene. Gebohq continues sitting where he had been sitting, the brawl surrounding him appearing to not have any effect on him, for the time being at least. Also, for the time being, Gebohq seems less emo and more lost in love, as he stares with sad eyes in Maybechild's direction, who is currently leaping onto Sarn's back like a rabid squirrel.

Geb: She's so beautiful when she's fighting...*sigh*


Sarn manages to throw Maybechild off, sending her barreling into Greenpeace members and heroes alike. Meanwhile, The Otter, having quickly lost interest in seriously fighting, has taken the opportunity to try stealing some various liquor bottles, with no success. He watches as a favorite brand of his crashes onto the floor. He sprawls on the floor, attempting to lick the remaining alcohol, when he accidentially licks Subaru.

She notices.

Otter: It's not what you think! I was just trying to--

Subaru sends The Otter flying through the air and into the front entrance, knocking the door down. Everybody turns to see the huge mob of people outside.

Sem: ...Fuq.

The bar is quickly jam-packed with over a hundred random people, and the bar fight escalates to epic proportions.

Originally posted by Ford then we flanked them and obliterated thier foot soldiers using nothing but toothpicks and sweetarts.

Random girl: Ohh, how exciting!

suddenly a bottle of beer comes flying across the room knocking Ford squarely in the head.

Ford: OWW! SON OF A [expletive deleted]!

Random Girl: OMG! you dirty man! curse words!?

Ford: WTF! did you not see that? someone threw a [expletive deleted] beer bottle at me! Someone's askin for a hurtin'! *grumpy mad face*

Random girl: well i never!

the random girl quickly gathers her things and walks out of the bar seeming oblivious to the chaos around her. meanwhile, Ford searches around for the culprit throwing bottles around. he quickly notices its practically everyone. he's about to grab a bottle himself to throw, when he is bowled over by something large and heavy crashing into him from behind.

Ford: Son of a [expletive deleted]!

Otter: You know, you really shouldn't swear, mate. it seems the female folk dont like it much.

Ford: So i've noticed. would you please get off of me?

Otter: Right. sorry, just having a spot of woman trouble. oh hey! Ford! is it really you?!

Ford: Yeah, i know y...oh my god! Otter, wtf are you doing here?

Otter: *noticing subaru coming this way* Running the hell away!*which he promptly does.

Ford: *looking up* heh... oh crap!

Ford sees that Subaru, wielding a barstool, no longer cares who she hits as long as it resembles a member of the male species. ford is once again knocked to the ground.

Ford: Son of a [expletive deleted]!

Originally posted by Lord_Grismath
Just as he brought a glass of creme de menthe & tonic, garnished with a mint leaf, to his lips, Crab Ninja Motobushi soared through the air and whalloped Grismath with a flying dropkick of heavenly fury (up, down, quarter-circle back, A, A, B). Grismath's glass shattered and spilled green liquid all over his previously grey suit. The Canadian intelligence director unholstered his pistol, but Motobushi-san kicked it from his hand, and it went sailing across the bar and into the hands of another bar-fight combatant.

Dodging a roundhouse kick, Grismath aimed a fist and fired, only to find Motobushi's foot blocking his knuckles from their deadly mission. "Ho! Ha! Hoo! Ha!" Grismath dodged, parried, and chopped all he could, but Motobushi's attack was relentless and seemingly unprovoked. As Grismath staggered back under the fury of his adversary's string of attacks, he failed to notice a fallen barstool behind him, and fell backwards head-over-heels into Semievil.

"You!!! The mission!"

Originally posted by Vincent Valentine
A dark, mysterious man sits in a corner booth wearing a crimson cloak and aged, leather combat boots. On the table in front of him lays a knife, sheathed, and an apple martini from which he occaisionally sips. He's humming an old, foreign song as he watches the events in the bar unfold and, playing idly with the knife, wonders if he should put an end to the brawl...

Originally posted by maevie
maevie marches in, throws the dark mysterious man's appletini in his face, and storms off

Originally posted by Detty
Detty wanders in through the doorway and trips up the storming maevie.

Originally posted by Vincent Valentine
After calmy drying the alcohol from his face, Vincent reaches into his cloak and pulls out a yellowed, folded peice of paper. He unfolds it in front of him, revealing a long list of names and places. At the very bottom, he writes "The Regan Family," underlines it, and just for good measure, puts asterisks on either side. He folds up the paper and returns it to his cloak and, pocketing the knife, stands up and heads for the door, deftly weaving between the brawling bar patrons. As he passes the bartender, Vincent flicks him a coin, muttering, "Sorry about the mess." He opens the bar door, and vanishes into the night.

Originally posted by maevie
maevie feels an inexplicable shudder run through her whole body as she lies face down in the septic liquid that has pooled on the floor. standing up, she wipes the beer, blood and vomit from her face, gathers herself together, and promptly faints

Originally posted by Gebohq
Gebohq, while having nothing but Maybechild on his mind, idly eats some peanuts, idly flicking the peanut shells in the faces of the next three people to be mentioned...

Originally posted by Zecks
Zecks wipes the shells off of his person. Zecks grabs his beer bottle and chucks it at Gebohq, who is just a few seats down. The bottle misses and hits some other bloke in the back of the head, sending him down to the floor with a thud.

Zecks: Dammit! Why must my aim always be so bad!?

Zecks gets up, rushes towards Gebohq, and knocks him from his seat. Gebohq hits the floor with a thud, like the guy before. Zecks runs off into the crowd before Gebohq has a chance to pick himself up.

Originally posted by Steven
Steven was at the end of the bar with a scotch one hand. He was attempting to pick up on an attractive brunette, when some tall guy at the other end of the bar hits him right in the head with a tossed peanut shell. The girl begins to laugh. Steven ignores the peanut shells being rained down on him, until they begin to make a spile pile on top of his head.

"Excuse me for a moment," Steven politely told the girl, as he shook the shells off of his head, and headed off to confront the tall, odd looking man who had been throwing the shells.

"Hey, knock it off."




"Can't you see I'm trying to pick up on that girl over--" Steven turned to point at an empty bar stool. "Well, she was there." Steven looked around, puzzled. He saw the pretty girl leaving the bar out the back door with a tall, strong fireman.

"Now look what you've done."

"Don't feel bad. Here. Have a peanut."

Steven sighed, then joined the tall, funny looking man in throwing peanut shells at the other people in the bar.

"Hey, this is fun."

Steven was just about to go for another handful of peanuts, when a person, apparently named Zecks, flies and tackles the tall funny man before running off.

Steven chuckles to himself, moves over a few seats, then continues to throw shells as the tall, deranged looking man chases the man who had just laid him out.

Originally posted by landfish
insulted by the display of peanut shells, the great and glorious landfish emerges from the shadows and idly tosses a rabid badger at Gebohq's face. currently engaged with the badger, Gebohq fails to see where the mysterious one known as landfish fled to.

Originally posted by Gebohq
Zecks looks over his shoulder, trying to see where Gebohq is at.

Zecks: Holy Hell! A badger? And I thought I was ticked off.

He grabs a seat, watching the chaos taking place throughout the bar. He glances over and notices that the occupant of the seat next to his is a good looking woman.

Zecks: Hey there, good looking. Can I buy you a drink?

Zecks is surprised suddenly. The woman's voice is that of a man's.

"Woman": Who are you calling good looking?

The "woman" punches Zecks, sending him recoiling off his seat. He picks himself up off the floor and walks away towards another part of the bar.

Originally posted by Ford
As ford picks himself off the ground once again, he turns to face the seething Subaru

Ford: Subaru, its me Ford! one of your hero buddies


Ford: *gulp*

Ford narrowly avoids a swinging roundhouse punch and stumbles off to the other end of the bar

Originally posted by landfish
After punching Zecks, landfish knows that his cover is now blown. he runs away to find a better disguise...

Originally posted by Gebohq
Geb: GAH! Badger-badger-badger-badger-badger-badger-badger--

Maybechild chows down on some--

Maybe: Mush-room MUSH-ROOM!

Losien screams, pointing at a snake on the floor.


Gebohq then throws the badger off of him and onto some other random person.

Originally posted by DrkJedi82
While sitting quietly observing the battle Jim7 points at landfish and laughs

Originally posted by quesadilla_red
Rick dashes by Geb, trying to round up the group to make a grand exit and continue on to Evil's Geb. Unforutnately, a badger lands on Rick's face and he (she) screams very high pitched and just down-right girly. The bar goes silent.

Rick: *shoves the badger off, jumps back to his feet and frantically brushes himself (herself) off* Eek! Eek! *He (she) stops and looks at the rest of the bar* ...What?

Everyone resumes fighting.

Originally posted by Vincent Valentine
Oblivious to any commotion below, a small housefly buzzes along the wall near the ceiling, stopping here and there to taste the stale glue where the paper has peeled away from the wall. "Tasty," the fly thinks to himself, "but not enough to live on." The fly continues along the wall, narrowly missing a poorly aimed peanut shell, in search of food.

((If anybody touches my fly, I'll ban you.))

Originally posted by Gebohq
As Gebohq sits back down at the table he had been sitting by before, the fly lands on a thing of peanuts. Gebohq notices the fly and (surprise surprise) goes all emo.

Geb: I feel for you, little guy.

Gebohq touches the fly, which surprisingly doesn't move, with his finger. After touching it, the fly continues on its search for food.

((NSP: I like to live dangerously... :ninja: ))

Originally posted by Voodoosnowflake
Blowing her nose one last time Voodoo Snowflake headed to the nearest establishment for something to eat and to get some idea as to where she is at.

Inside the bar some random character whistles. She blushes again remembering she still is only wearing that white terry cloth Knowhere Valley Inn robe. A perfectly aimed peanut shell hits her on the ear. And then she gets tripped by a man rolling around on the floor screaming as one ticked off badger is attempting to maul his face.

Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
Throughout this ordeal, the great hero, Sarn Cadrill, saunters through the room, throwing occaisional punches and kicks, but never staying long enough to be focused on. He nears the door and his eyes fall upon a face that he recognizes. He blinks, and mutters to himself.

Sarn: Voodoo... It's Voodoo...

Sarn pushes his way towards Voodoo, intent on reaching her. Someone gets in his way.

Random person: "Watch it pal."

Sarn decks the random person.

Sarn: "Voodoo!"

Voodoo hears someone calling her name and glances up, seeing Sarn approaching her, fighting his way through a mass of wrigling body parts. Sarn finally reaches her and pulls her into a corner of the room.

Sarn: "I can't believe you're here. How did you get here?"

Voodoo: "You look.. familiar.. How.. do I know you?"

Sarn: "It's me! The great hero, Sarn Cadrill!"

Voodoo: "Sarn... Sarn? ... SARN! Oh my gosh, Sarn! And my hair's all ratty and I haven't showered and I'm wearing... I'M WEARING A BATHROBE! Get AWAY!"

Sarn: "I wouldn't care if you hadn't showered in months. It's good to see you.

Sarn dodges a body that smashes against the wall between him and Voodoo. The man pulls himself to his feet, shakes his head and charges back into the crowd.

Sarn: "Come on! I saw some stairs. Maybe we can find you a change of clothes or something."

Sarn takes Voodoo by the hand and manouvers his way through the crowd towards the flight of stairs. Three punches, four kicks, and one bite later, Sarn and Voodoo find themselves in a hallway at the top of the stairs. Doors on either side lead into rooms available for rent. Below, the barfight can still be heard raging. Sarn pulls Voodoo into one of the rooms. There just so happens to be a chest full of clothing in the room.

Sarn: "Say, how convenient. There's a chest full of clothing in here. Anything that will fit?"

Voodoo is squatted down, scrounging through the chest of clothing, contientiously holding the hem of her robe shut. She pulls loose a few garments of clothing.

Voodoo: "Yeah, I think these will work."

Sarn: "There's a door over there past the bed. I think it's probably a bathroom. I'll wait in here and make sure no one comes up here.

Voodoo retreats into the other room. In moments, Sarn can hear the sound of water running in the shower. He sits on the bed to wait. A lone house fly buzzes past. Sarn considers swatting at it, but decides to ignore the fly. It buzzes out of the room back towards the brawl below. The shower stops. Sarn's heart begins beating faster in anticipation of the coming events.

Sarn: "All this time I've been searching for her... And now she's here."

Sarn runs his fingers through his hair and checks to see how his breath smells. He catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror in a tiny kitchenette in a corner, and grins.

Sarn: "Sarn you handsome devil you. Sweep her off her feet!"

The door to the bathroom opens, and Voodoo emerges, her hair in a towel, and clothed now in ill-fitting, yet color-cordinated shirt and pants.

Voodoo: "These clothes are awful."

Sarn stares at her in wonder. He seems to speak without thinking.

Sarn: "You're look perfect."

Voodoo wrinkles her nose.

Voodoo: "Hardly. This shirt's two sizes too big, and the pants barely come past my knee-"

Her words die out as Sarn takes her hand in his.

Sarn: "I hope I'm not being to forthcoming... But I have been thinking about you ever since we met. To see you here now.. It's like a dream. You could be wearing rags and you'd still be the most beautiful woman in NeShattered.

Voodoo blushes and stammers..

Voodoo: "Well I... Uhh.. You know..."

Sarn: "I want to get to know you. Somehow I feel like we are meant to be together, but something has been keeping us apart. Now that you're finally here, I don't want to let you go. Promise me you'll not leave my side."

Voodoo: "Well uhh.. That's quite a bit to promise.. But you sure are charming. Maybe we can catch a movie some ti-"

Sarn: "There's no time for that. Evil Geb's got some kind of stupid wedding planned or some such... I don't really know. I don't much follow the storyline lately, cause I've been trying to find you. Just stay by my side for a while. We'll see how things go, but don't leave until you talk to me."

Voodoo: "Fair enough. So what do we do now?"

Below, sounds of the fight can still be heard, though they seem to be dying down a bit.

Sarn: "I don't know. Wanna see what's on HBO?"

Voodoo: "Sounds good."

Sarn leans back on the bed and grabs the remote. He flicks on the TV. Voodoo lays back next to him, somewhat self-concious. Below, punches fall and bodies slam to the floor, a fly buzzes around above it all, a scream echoes throughout the building, but above all is quite but for the sound of the television. Time passes and slowly, a hand grasps another, breathing slows, and eyelids close. As the credits of the movie roll, Sarn and Voodoo are fast asleep.

Originally posted by landfish
landfish pokes his head out of the closet while sarn and voodoo are sleeping. he creeps over the the bed and steals Sarn's wallet. "kekekekeke" he says to himself as he slithers away with the wallet

Originally posted by Ford
Ford Makes his way across the bar, shouting expletives as random objects (and people) hit him or knock him over. when he finds himself in a relatively quiet part of the bar, he sits down again.


bartender: oi can't you see i'm busy?

Ford: And can't you see they're just using the bottles to break over each others (and my) head?

Bartender: as long as they keep payin for em, i'm all for it. da janitor's the one you gotta look out for. ol' bobs out on lunch, but when he gets back, oooooooh buddy, you guys better watch out.

Ford: yeah watever, can i please have a gin an-SON OF A [expletive deleted]!

Woman's voice: *to ford* Sorry 'bout that. But really, i'm no ones son. The [expletive deleted] part is up for debate though.

Ford looks up fom the floor where once again he's found himself, only to se Maybechild standing over him.

Ford: Maybe!

Maybechild: Howdy, Ford. one sec.

Maybe turns and throws a well placed punch to a would be attackers skull, sending them reeling

Ford: Gosh, it's been since...what? the battle of Glouchestershire?

Maybe: *blushing* yeah, thats right.

Ford is still lying on the ground in astonishment. maybe turns once again to deal a square kick to the stomach of the next deviant

Ford: I'd have thought you'd have called me.

Maybe: i'm a busy woman...*grunts as she grabs the hair of yet another assailant and rams it into the bar* you can see.

Ford: You never have 5 minutes?

A fourth instigator rushes maybe and this time she just sidesteps and lets him run past

Maybe: Are you going to get up or what?

Originally posted by KyleKatarn7
Surreptitiously, KyleKatarn7 sneaks up behind Jim Seven. Without a word, he swings back the chair he had been holding, and clobbers him with all of his might, knocking Jim out cold. Making a quick note on his datapad, he swiftly loses himself in the mayhem.

Originally posted by Martyn
Through all the madness, descendeth a MANTRAIN at full tilt - plowing through all in his path. Bodies fly everywhere, stools are broken as are legs, arms, noses and backbones.

And as quickly as he arrived, he promptly leaves the carnage behind.

(In the distance, receeding we hear: ALL ABOARRRD....)

Originally posted by happydud
fwop fwop fwop fwop fwop fwop fwop fwop fwop fwop
pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter.
tie tighten tie tighten

Sarn and Voodoo wake up to the shattering of the glass window.
They gaze in awe as a man in aviator glasses, a black trench coat, and a soviet hat brushes the glass off of his coat and unties a rope.

Happydud: Hi.

Sarn: What.. where the hell.. who are you!?

Happydud responds as he tugs on his rope twice, and it gets pulled back out the window from where he came

Happydud: I'm Happydud. Second in Command and Minister of Assassinations in the USSR2. You, if my file is correct, is Sarn. But you madam.... quizzical look
You remind me of a babe...

Voodoo: What babe?

Happydud: A babe with the power..

Voodoo: What power?

Happydud: The power of Voodoo.

Voodoo: Who do?

Happydud: You do, Voodoo!

Happydud chuckles to himself, as Sarn and Voodoo stare in confusion.

Happydud: Anyway, I must be off! Nice to meet you too. Use protection!

Happydud winks, and then takes out a circular saw.

Sarn: Wha-? Hey! That's my floor!

Sawing sounds, as Happydud finishes sawing a circle in the floor.

Happydud: Taa. Happydud stomps his foot, and disappears from view as he falls through the floor screaming. FOR AUIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


Ford: You never have 5 minutes?

A fourth instigator rushes maybe and this time she just sidesteps and lets him run past

Maybe: Are you going to get up or what?

Ford: Fine. I'm going, I'm goi-what is that noise?


Ford disappears in a ploom of sawdust and woodchips. As the debris clear, Happydud stands up.

Happydud: This party's over!

Ford: *incomprehensible groan from under Happydud's feet*

Originally posted by genk
Genki promptly appears and lunges at Happydud, but trips on Ford into him

Originally posted by Gebohq
Within the craziness of the barfight, Gebohq notices the conversation between Ford and Maybechild, the looks they were giving each other... Gebohq's smouldering eyes narrow... Then the distraction with Happydud and Genki turned his attention to his sister, Losien, as a random punch connects with Losien's face. Surprisingly, she looks little worse than before, but that didn't matter.


Gebohq charges at the man who threw the punch at Losien, tackling him to a wall. The Last True Evil watches as Gebohq brutally punches the man over and over. Gebohq suddenly stops, seeing the bleeding and now-unconscious man before him, and walks to sit at the nearest table, sober and slow.

The Otter, meanwhile, continues to try and steal drinks, including the next two people mentioned...

Originally posted by Cool Matty
CM: When did you get so proficient with a beer bottle?

Mimiru: It's like a really short sword! A dagger, really!

CM: I don't think most people use two hands to "weild" a beer bottle.

Mimiru: And that is why they fail.

Mimiru grips tightly to her bud light and opens a nice gash in the nearest foe.

Subaru: You know, this entire time, I've been thinking...

CM dodges a thrown bottle and huddles in a corner, keenly aware of his uselessness in such a brawl.

CM: "THINKING"? I've been trying to SURVIVE!

Subaru: Why aren't we using our normal weapons?

Mimiru: Well, that wouldn't be fair!

CM: It totally goes against barfighting rules.

Subaru: But it doesn't seem to bother the other guys.

CM: So just because they jump off a bridge, you will too?

Subaru: If it saves my ***, hell yes.

Mimiru: Good point. Let's kick this up a notch!

CM: Wait, me first!

CM rumbles up a bright flame, and melts some beer bottles into a glass sword.

CM: Mimiru! Time to dual-weild!

Mimiru: Oh cool, upgrades!

Mimiru takes the glass sword, enjoying the lightness of it, and the way it reflected the light.

Subaru: Wait, won't that shatter upon impact?

CM: No no, it's tempered glass, it's much stronger than normal glass. It'll last her at least thru this fight... I think.... well... I hope...

Mimiru: Oh that's real assuring.

Mimiru flies into the heat of the brawl again, and deflects a blow from a disgruntled alcoholic. The glass sword instantly shattered.

CM: Uhm... maybe you aren't ready for upgrades yet.

Mimiru: Remind me to slap you.

CM dives back into the corner, waiting for an opportunity to use his phoenix gust without hurting any friendlies. Mimiru returns to her single sword style, saving her possible "upgrade" for later. Subaru continues using her energy skills to deflect bottles and propel them at high speeds.

CM: You all... do your thing... I'll just be waiting here.

Originally posted by happydud
Happydud: GENKI! YOU TREACHEROUS... TRAITOR! I told you to stay home and feed my fish!

Genki: What? I was just going to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters.. and I heard the brawl. I thought you might need help.

Happydud: This is the last straw. The first time, I found you in the pigpen playing cook with Hammy. The second time, I had to post bail after you freed those lions from the zoo-

Genki: They told me to free them! They said they were being held prisone-

Happydud: I don't want to hear it!

Happydud backhands Genki across the face with his left hand, unsheathes a dagger with his right and spins, slashing at the same time.

Happydud: Now, I'm going to assume you're dead and not turn around and double check. Who's next?

Happydud surveys the battletorn bar room. He sees Gebohq helping a guy see the back of his own head.

Happydud: You there! Stop where you are! Stop brutally assulting that man! Happydud begins to run towards the scene

Gebohq: What? He hides his hands.

Happydud: What did that man do to you?

Gebohq: He-

Happydud: You know what, I don't really care. Except for the fact that...

Happydud glances over Gebohq's shoulder

Gebohq: What?

As Gebohq turns to look, Happydud removes a small object from his assassin's belt. He thrusts it onto Gebohq's chest, and pushes Geb back. Turning back in confusion, Gebohq grunts as the device stuck to his shirt beeps, and lasers begin to encircle him.
Moments later, the Happydud-Tholian web around Gebohq is complete, rendering Geb unable to move.

Happydud: So.. it works. Neat. Time to enforce the law somewhere else....

Ducking a punch, grabbing a pool cue and eviscerating a poor man trying to come to terms with the rampage of Mantrain, Happydud disappears into the crowd.

Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
Meanwhile, upstairs, Sarn is hastily making the bed. Voodoo stands in front of the mirror in the bathroom vigorously brushing her teeth. She spits into the sink.

Voodoo: I can't believe we fell asleep. What were we thinking? What will everyone else think?

Sarn: Don't worry about it Voodoo, we'll just tell them the truth. We fell asleep while watching a movie.

Voodoo: Yeah? What movie was playing?

Sarn: I... don't remember.

Voodoo: Me neither. That's odd. Well for the sake of our story, it was The Three Amig- What in God's name is that noise down there?

Sarn: The Three Amigos? Couldn't it be something cool, like The Godfather... Or Starship Troopers?

Voodoo: Starship Troopers! Are you MAD? It was The Three Amigos. Say it.

Sarn: The Three Amigos.

Voodoo finishes brushing her teeth and begins running a brush through her hair.

Sarn: Where did you get all that stuff? You showed up here in nothing but a robe.

Voodoo: Don't remind me. Anyway, I'm resourceful. Let it go.

Sarn: Fair enough.

Voodoo: So, Sarn.. I've been meaning to ask you. What's with that word on your forehead? How do you pronounce it? Sea-plunk?

Sarn: No no, it's "spelunk" AHHHHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Voodoo ducks behind the door. Sarn wipes his nose with a hankerchief from his back pocket.

Voodoo: What the hell was that? I think you just sneezed out half your brain!

Sarn: It's some kind of curse... Apparently, whenever anyone says the word sp- err that word, the one on my forehead, I sneeze uncontrobally.

Voodoo: What word? Spelunk?

Voodoo ducks behind the door again, giggling, as Sarn once again lets out a monstrous sneeze. After, Sarn glares at Voodoo.

Voodoo: Ok, ok. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

Sarn: Well you might think it's funny, but you don't have to live with it.

Sarn falls dejectedly onto the bed and closes his eyes. Voodoo steps out of the bathroom and lays down next to him, propped up on one sholder. She studies the marking on Sarn's forehead.

Voodoo: How'd you get it?

Voodoo runs her index finger over the marking. Sarn responds, his eyes still closed.

Sarn: It was right after I saw you last. That guy, Bhac, showed up, and I knew he was bad news.. I was going to confront him, but then eveything went blank and I-

Voodoo: It all went blank? You don't remember the battle you had with Bhac?

Sarn: We... fought?

Voodoo: Yeah, and you were incredible. You moved so fast. But somehow he was faster. And then, you cut him on the face with that dagger of your-

Sarn opens his eyes suddenly and stares intently at Voodoo.

Sarn: What do you know about the dagger?

Voodoo: Well nothing. I only saw it just that once. What's the big deal?

Sarn leans back again and closes his eyes. He mumbles something unintelligible, then takes a deep breath.

Sarn: I'm sorry I inturrupted. Go on. I cut him on the cheek.

Voodoo: Right. It wasn't bad. You barely knicked him, but the fighting stopped for a second. You were standing there with the knife raised, a drop of blood on the tip. And Bhac suddenly looked surprised. Like he'd just found an eyeball in his soup. Then he came at you again, and the next thing I could see was your body flying back... The way you hit that rack, and the blood. I thought you were dead.

Voodoo's eyes begin to tear up. She breathes in sharply.

Voodoo: And then you disappeared through a plothole.

Sarn speaks, his eyes closed, lost in the memory.

Sarn: I woke up, and this man was there, and he was saying something about a hound. And then he marked me.

Sarn's hand strays to his forehead and traces the black lettering. Voodoo reaches over and takes his hand in hers, pulling it away. She leans across Sarn. Her face hovers over his, examining the mark. Sarn opens his eyes. Voodoo speaks in a near-whisper.

Voodoo: It looks like... Is it some kind of tattoo?

Sarn: No... He used a... sharpie pen.

Their eyes lock, their faces inching nearer and nearer. Sarn parts his lips ever so slightly. Voodoo closes her eyes. Just before their lips meet, there's a sound from the door.

Sound: "Ahem."

Voodoo rolls off the bed, crashing to the floor opposite the door. Sarn scrambles off the bed and to his feet. Voodoo stands, brushing dirt from herself. Semievil stands in the doorway, a white cloth wrapped around his hand. He raises an amused eyebrow.

Voodoo: We were just uhh watching a movie!

Sem: A movie?

Sem's eye flicks to the television set, which is turned off, then back to Sarn and Voodoo. The two speak simultaneously.

Sarn: Yeah, The Three Amigos.

Voodoo: The Three Ninjas!

Voodoo blushes.

Sem: The Three Ninja Amigos, huh? That sure is a great movie.

Sarn: Uhh, Sem.. What's with the cloth on your hand, there?

Sem: It's nothing. Come downstairs, Sarn. We need your help. This barfight's getting out of control. Voodoo, it's no place for a lady down there. Why don't you wait here and uhh, take a shower or something.

Sarn and Sem leave the room. Sem elbows Sarn in the ribs and winks as they're walking down the steps. Sarn grins. The two charge back into the brawl.

Originally posted by - Tony -
The aforementioned eviscerated bar patron collapsed onto the ground, trampled by the melee which was still in full swing. Ahah. Swing? Gettit? I kill me.

TonyTW: Yeah, yeah.

Tony, after having followed the mob in from way back when looking for a hair o' the dog and some more cinnabons, sat lurking at the bar on one of the remaining stools nursing a vodka and Irn-Bru with a pounding headache and sprayed with a little blood from Mr. Eviscerated. His saucepan was slightly dented from where a rather annoyed badger had bounced off after being narrowly deflected from somewhere else in the bar. All in all, things weren't going great. He just hoped no-one had stolen his freighter.

Otter, on the other hand, was snaking his hand towards the half-full vodka and Irn-Bru, as he was wont to do. Well, the drinking part, anyway. Tony glanced 'round blearily into the glasses of Otter. Seeing that Otter was going for the drink, Tony swung at him, but alas, due to the headache and hungoverness he missed completely. Otter, on the other hand, had the Drunken Mastery perk and deftly jabbed Tony in the chest, who promptly fell backwards and kicked the glass out of Otter's victorious mitt with a parabolic trajectory into the crowd.

Wouldn't like to be hit by that. It could hurt.

Originally posted by Voodoosnowflake
As someone charges at Sarn and Voodoo ready to smack them with a table, Voodoo smirks.

Voodoo: SPELUNK!


The powerful gust knocks back the brawling patron including the next three meantioned!

Originally posted by mollybee
The door, now hanging off of one hinge, flies open and bangs a random into the wall behind it. Now exposed to the brunt of the fighting, Mollybee swirls into the room like a whirling diva dervish, zinging frozen banana boomerangs at oblique angles around the bar. One hits Happydud squarely on the back of the head just as he was about to turn around, and another smacks Gebohq upside his handsome mandible. She spins out the same door she entered, uttering only the words "SPELUNK *THAT* SUCKAS!"

Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
And of course, upon hearing the phrase, Sarn abruptly sneezes. Four people are knocked back. He catches another random assailant with a sweep kick and turns to Voodoo.

Sarn: Didn't Sem tell you to stay upstairs?

Voodoo: Don't you worry about me, Sarn. I can handle myself.

Voodoo knees a nearby opponent in the balls.

Sran: Fair enough. Let's kick some ***.

Originally posted by happydud
crawling on the ceiling, Happydud hears Sarn.

Happydud: Oooh, I'll get him.

Happydud drops from the ceiling behind Sarn, landing silently as an ant crawls, delivers a swift backkick into Sarn's bum, and then vanishes into the crowd.

Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
Sarn sprawls out on the floor. He props himself up on hands and knees and shakes his head vigorously. Voodoo giggles beside him. Sarn glares at her.

Sarn: What was I supposed to do? That guy came at from the ceiling! Like some kind of... monkey... ninja...

Voodoo helps Sarn to his feet.

Voodoo: Heh, you just got owned.

Sarn: Did you see where he went?

Voodoo scans the crowd. I think I see him over by glowing ball of laser- What is that thing?

Sarn: Let's go investigate.

Sarn and Voodoo make their way through the crowd, kicking and punching as needed. Moments later, they are near the glowing ball of light. Inside, they can see Geb trapped.

Sarn: Oh no, it's Geb!

Voodoo: How do we open this thing?

Sarn: Well it looks like a laser... Got any mirrors?

Voodoo pulls a cosmetic mirror from a pants pocket. Sarn raises an eyebrow.

Voodoo: What?

Sarn: Nothing. That might actually work.

Sarn wedges the mirror into the trap at an angle. The lazer light refracts, frying a nearby combatant. A hole in the ball of lazers opens wide enough for Geb to climb out of.

Voodoo: Careful, Geb. Don't touch the sides...

Geb: Relax Voodoo. It's not like this is the first time I've climbed out of a giant laser bal- OUCH!

Geb blows on his elbow, now singed by the laser. Behind our heroes there is a shriek.They turn.

Happydud: No! How did you get out of there!! And you two! Go upstairs and make babies or something! You're meddling!

Geb glances at Sarn. Sarn shrugs.

Geb: You two know this guy?

Sarn: Well not exact-

Voodoo: That's the guy that knocked you over a few minutes ago, Sarn. Let's get him!

Sarn, Voodoo, and Geb charge at Happydud, fists raised.

Happydud: Oh boy. Things are getting hot. Time to get out of here.

Happydud pulls a small remote control from his coat pocket. Just as Sarn, Voodoo, and Geb reach him, he taps a button on the control. There is a flash of light, and when it fades, the bar is gone.

Sarn stops pummeling Happydud's face and looks around. They are in a large room cramped with fantastic electronic gadgets. A table is set up nearby with vials and beekers filled with various colored fluids. Along one wall, 6 large metallic crates are lined up.

Sarn: Uhh, where are we?

Happydud: What? He told me it didn't have enough POWER for more than one person.

Happydud wipes a trail of blood from his upper lip.

Happydud: Welcome to the evil invention room of Evil Geb's evil lair. Hope you enjoy your stay. You won't be here long.

Happydud grins. He taps a button on the remote. The six crates along the wall unfold into six cliched battle mechs, each roughly 12 feet tall.

Happydud: Intruder! Kill them!

Six pairs of glowing, red eyes focus on our three heroes.

Battle Mech 2: Intruder. You are Tresspassing. Prepare for annihilation.

Happydud rubs his hands together in anticipation.

Happydud: Oooohhhh goody. I love this part.

Originally posted by happydud
Battle Mech 1 through 6: You are intruding. Lie prone on the ground and submit. You have fifteen seconds to comply. Fouteen. Thirteen.

Sarn: Uh.. this is.. sub-satisfactory.

Battlemechs: Eleven.

Sarn: Any ideas?

Battlemechs: Eight.

Voodoo: Uhh.. give me a second to think.

Geb: Well, hurry up. You only have -

Battlemechs: You have five seconds to comply.

Geb: About four more seconds.

Battlemechs: You have one second to comply.

Voodoo: Duck?

Battlemechs: You have zero seconds to comply.
they duck.

Battlemechs: You have negative one seconds to comply.

Happydud, Sarn, Voodoo, Geb: What!?

Battlemechs: You have negative two seconds to comply.

Happydud: Oh, those programmers are going to die so hard.

Happydud whirls around, smashing a button on a control console. A tearing sound surprises Sarn and Voodoo from behind, and as they turn they see a rift forming in the Spacetime Continuum.

Sarn: What the hell is that!?

Geb: It's an isopolar geospacial flux! A rift in the Spacetime Contiuum!

Voodoo and Sarn stare at Geb

Geb: What? I watched Star Trek...

Happydud: This is your Captain speaking. Please buckle your seatbelts, and place your seat backs in the upright position. You're coming in for a...

Happydud pushes them through the rift

Happydud: Landing.

Happydud presses a few more buttons, pulls a lever, and grabs a mysterious pouch. Diving through the rift, it closes behind him, and the lair of Evil Geb is sealed from the public once more...

Originally posted by sugarless5
Sugarless looks around to find where the rest of her party has gone. She reaches out to grab Rick by the scruff of the neck when she get smacked upside the head. Whirling around, she lets out a "Oh no you di-ent!"

Originally posted by Ari
Ariana stands in the corner watching the brawl in front of her play out before her eyes. Even as enraptured as she is by the display of the scene in front of her, she doesn't hesitate to start plotting out her next move. Unfortunately she fails to notice the dark figure that enters the bar. As soon as he walks in his eyes roam the room, searching... Before she can react or even let out a call for help the figure makes his move. He knocks the angel to the ground rendering her unconcious. He throws her over his shoulder and sneaks out of the bar. Outside the bar he thinks to himself, *man that was one sloppy, half *** job I just did...nah, with all that mess going on in there the chances of someone noticing anything...hmmm, well...just in case...* With that the mysterious figure disapears with the angelic creature into the night. :eek:
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
2006-11-02, 8:56 AM #48
In the Shattered Realm of the Writers...

TLTE the writer: Hey Geb! I think the ElectronicWriter3000 is defunct again!

Geb the writer: So what? Mr.B.U.M.P.3000 should cover until it picks up again.

Sem the writer: Yeah... about that. I sort of... ate the buttered-toast part of the Falling Cat/Buttered-Toast Engine that powered it.

Geb the writer: And the cat? No wait, let me guess -- Krig ate the cat.

Sem the writer: No, actually. It was her.

Semievil the writer points at Sugarless the writer, who is preoccupied with eating her Chinese food.

Geb the writer: SUGARLESS!

Sugarless the writer: *looks up with food in her mouth* Hrm?

Geb the writer: THE CAT IS NOT FOR EATING!

Sugarless the writer: What? I did no such thing! That would require me to know how to cook a cat. Speaking of, thanks for making this, Ricky.

Ricky the writer: You should be thanking CoolMatty. He's the one who got the needed meat to use.

The two of them look at CoolMatty the writer, who looks at Geb and Sem the writers from the corners of his eyes. Ricky the writer's jaw drops in horror.

Ricky the writer: You... you didn't. Not to Twirly!

CM the writer: IT CLAWED UP MY MODEL ABRAMS TANK! It had to pay...

Ricky the writer: YOU MONSTER! Twirly loved Mr.B.U.M.P.3000... :(

Sugarless the writer looks at her Chinese food in realization, having stopped eating for a moment. She then shrugs and continues with her meal.

Geb the writer: For crying out loud... CM! Go get a new cat! Sem! Go get another slice of buttered toast. And someone go kick the ElectronicWriter3000 in working order! I don't want to actually start writing again...

(NSP: In case anyone's wondering, the ElectronicWriter3000 and Mr.B.U.M.P.3000 and its cat/buttered-toast engine is from this post, and CM the writer's obsession with a model abrams tank is from this post.)


Elsewhere, not long after the existance-wide broadcast of their wedding invitation, Evil Geb changes from his evening robe into the usual blue-collared workshirt and dark pants. He speaks to Young as he does so.

E. Geb: Now that we got that over with, there's a matter which needs attending. Best to do it now before the wedding business ties up all my free time.

Young: So you're going to lock me up in a prison cell while you take care of that?

E. Geb: You wish. Don't take me for a fool -- you're coming with me, where I can keep an eye on you personally.

Young: What's this matter that needs your attending?

E. Geb: You'll see.

Evil Geb straps on the NeSword and the Darkfoil, then throws on an overcoat identical to the one he wore on the first post of the first page of NeShattered, back when he was practically a different person. Taking Young by the hand, Evil Geb escorts her through immensely mammoth and complex levels and corridors, until they arrive at a rather unremarkable door. Evil Geb takes out a key, unlocks the door, and enters with Young, locking the door behind him.

Inside is a chamber with a device not too unlike The Thingy, though much more elaborate and well-built. Evil Geb turns to a terminal and types in a password at blazing speed, making it difficult for Young to determine what it was he typed.

Thingy-like device: Identification, please.

E. Geb: Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Its five year mission - to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Thingy-like device: Processing... access granted. Please state desired location.

E. Geb: Character Cemetary.

The Thingy-like device activates, opening a portal to a lifeless cemetary ground. Young looks at Evil Geb with more apprehension than usual.

E. Geb: Go.

Young does as commanded, stepping through the portal with her eyes closed. When she opens them, she sees herself on the cemetary grounds, no worse for the wear, with Evil Geb standing beside her. The portal then blinks out of existance.

Young: I was really expecting that to uh... hurt.

E. Geb: I finally fixed that bug in the system decades ago.

Compared to the palace and surrounding city of NeShattered Young had been just moments ago, the cemetary seems empty and lifeless, even for a graveyard. What little life in the air and ground there was is now gone, having been sucked to the walled megatropolis surrounding Evil Geb's stronghold. Young glances at the gravestones they pass by, and notices something familiar.

Young: These names... I know them.

E. Geb: I should think you would. The Otter, Maybechild, Losien... they once lived just as I do now, born of this shattered thread.

Young: What happened to them?

E. Geb: A few died of old age. A thousand years have passed. I live with youth still because of age-defying pools in the foundations of my palace, and because of the power which I wield and the position which I hold for the sake of the story.

Young: And the others?

Flashback to 999 years ago. A paradise world left by Highemperor is set aflame, chunks of the NeS past crash into the ground. The Geb of NeShattered -- Evil Geb -- hovers in the middle of the apocalyptic storm, laughing maniaclly. Shattered counterparts of the heroes stand before him with their weapons drawn.

S. Janitor Bob: Stop your madness, Gebohq!

S. Maybechild: It's not too late to change things, Geb!

S. Geb: What makes you think I want to change? It's not too late for you though, Maybe! Join my side, and we'll rule this shattered thread together!

S. Maybechild: Is that what this is all about? Me rejecting you?

S. Geb: No, but stepping on my heart sure makes this life of villainy easier!

S. CookedHaggis: This is your last chance -- stop now or we will have to kill you!

S. Geb: I'd like to see you try!

S. Galvatron: ATTACK!

Shattered Galvatron transforms into his dragon form, breathing ice on the evil Shattered Geb. The Shattered Otter hurls his Vulcan Flame, the Shattered Janitor Bob sprays his most powerful cleaning agent, and the Shattered CookedHaggis shields Shattered Maybechild as she plays her morale-altering lute. The flashback fades away, the scene returning to Evil Geb standing in the cemetary.

E. Geb: I killed them.

Young: *looking at the graves* You killed your own friends?

E. Geb: It's all part of the life of a villain...

Young: I can't say I sympathize.

E. Geb: I didn't ask for your pity, nor do I want it.

The two of them walk in silence.

Young: If I may ask...

She looks at Evil Geb, who looks at her with a raised eyebrow.

Young: ...where are we going?

For a while, he does not respond. Young is about to speak again when he interrupts her.

E. Geb: I'm visiting an old friend. His name was Highemperor, and he was my predecessor, so to speak.

At that moment, the two arrive at his grave. Young notices the marks of battle on the ground.

Young: Who was fighting by your friend's grave?

E. Geb: You're a perceptive little lady. Morthrandur -- the one who will be marrying us -- succeeded where I could not in putting an end to The Answerer.

Young: You're afraid of them, aren't you? Morthrandur and the Answerer.

E. Geb: What makes you say that?

Young: The way you talk about them, the tone of your voice, the look on your face... why are you afraid of them?

E. Geb: I'm not afraid of them!

There is a moment of silence. He sighs.

E. Geb: The Answerer has been the only one who truely threatened my power. We fought, and he nearly killed me. Had I not brought him before Morthrandur, here where we stand, I am almost certain that the Answerer would have killed me soon after. I'm not entirely convinced that The Answerer is truely gone, though now that I think about it, he felt the same way about Highemperor... I'm still not entirely sure of Morthrandur's motives either, only that it, like the Answerer, keeps those in check that would wish to be in the spotlight, in a manner of speaking.

Young: And that's why you don't use your power to its fullest...

E. Geb: That, and it's not good for the story. Now if you don't mind...

Evil Geb walks up to Highemperor's grave, leaving Young unattended. She does not run away, however, but instead watches Evil Geb as he kneels by the grave, straining her ear to make out what he is saying.

E. Geb: Hey there. Haven't heard from you in a while, old friend. I've missed you. Things have been pretty crazy lately. I finally made my way into the real NeS thread! My efforts to conquor it have failed so far... I've been cursed by a damn convinience store and with the EeP instead my head. I don't know what I was thinking...

Evil Geb suddenly moans in pain, clutching his head with a hand holding the Darkfoil. His pain appears to subside, and he continues talking.

E. Geb: ...if I could keep it under control, I bet not even the Answerer could stop me. But enough about that -- I'm going to get married!

Young notices that he sounds truely happy as he continues talking to Highemperor's grave.

E. Geb: Granted, I got into this because it's a pretty good villainous plot and it'll let me have kids, but... well, maybe I'll talk about that another time. It may not be perfection, friend, but I may yet make something you'll be proud of. As always, get well soon.

He continues to stay kneeling by the grave. Some time passes. Young hears him trying not to sob, and with great caution, walks up to Evil Geb. As she approaches, Evil Geb stands up and wipes his face, turning to look at Young with a smouldering grimace. A couple seconds pass, and Young snorts a giggle. She stops herself, and stares at Evil Geb, trying not to shake. His grimace turns into a weak, friendly smile, however, and follows it up with a hug. She returns the smile and the hug, then backs away as if she had hugged the EeP itself, which incidentially, she probably did.

Young: You shouldn't underestimate my friends. They'll put a stop to this wedding and to your evil ways.

E. Geb: Yes, of course. We need to be getting back. I'm sure they're speeding off to the wedding hall as we speak...

He gives Young a knowing glance, then holds out his hand for her to take. She looks at the hand, and at his face... then takes his hand with reluctance. With his other hand, Evil Geb presses a button on his wrist watch, and the two of them transport back to his palace.


Meanwhile, back with our protagonists, seated at some tables in a nearby Denny's...

Sem: Man, am I sure glad that's all behind us now!

CM: Yeah, that whole barfight scene sure was tying us up.

Sugarless: So what the hell just happened? I'm still not used to this whole "NeS thing" I'm apparently a part of now.

Qhobeg: Hey look, it's the gunslinger-type that was chasing us before, but then dissapeared, now to show up again!

Everyone turns their attention to the gunslinger-type standing nearby their tables.

Sugarless: Hey! What about my question?

TLTE: What do you want, gunslinger?

The gunslinger strikes an intimidating pose. He reaches into his coat pocket, and everyone tenses up. He pulls out...

...a wallet, and gives it to the Otter.

gunslinger: You dropped this. I'd have given it to you sooner, but you kept running away.

Otter: ...thanks.

gunslinger: *looks at TLTE* You take good care of Jake there.

TLTE: Jake? His name is Amal.

gunslinger: Sure it is. I'll be on my way now...

And with that, the thinly-disguised Stephen King character exits the scene.

Sugarless: So anyway, about our rather convinient escape from the barfight that I totally didn't cause--

Mimiru: Hey, does anyone know where Ricky went off to?

Geb: The NeS incarnate? Probably realized how useless I am and went to find a replacement for me.

Subaru: Ugh! His emo is starting to get real old.

A familiar-looking waitress with the nametag "Red" on it walks up to their tables.

waitress: Welcome to Denny's. Can I start you all off with something to drink?

Otter: *to waitress* Do I know you?

waitress: Uh... no. ;>.>

Maybe: Just water for us all, Miss. Thank you.

Sarn: But I wanted a chocolate milkshake! :(

Maybe: Hush up. We can't be spending this whole post hearing people's orders.

Sugarless: Speaking of breaking the fourth wall, can we get back to the matter of how we dealt with the barfight--

Otter: Speaking of missing people, where's that winged-lady that was with us before?

Qhobeg: You mean Ariana? I think I saw her taken away actually. Should we try and find her?

The group shrugs and mutters with non-commital answers. Someone mentions something about too many damsels needing to be saved now.

Grismath: *from a table of his own quite seperate and distant from the others* Sem! You better be remembering to do your mission!

Sem: Isn't it a moot matter, since you're here?

Grismath: ... *hides behind his menu*

Sugarless: Is anybody going to tell me what the hell just happened?

Maybe: I wonder where Ford went--

Sugarless: Who cares! Why does nobody seem to care about how we were in a barfight one minute and apparently having breakfast at whatever ungodly hour it is the next? Why do I have to be the straight man here?

Otter: You're a man?

Sugarless: ....

Otter: Oooooh, I get it. You're a lesbian, but you're afraid to come out and say it. It's OK, beautiful. In fact, I encourage you to challange your fears and embrace another woman. I'm sure Maybechild will help you, because I have a feeling she might be a lesbian too, what with her repeated--

Sugarless slugs Otter flat on his back, with his legs in the air.

Voodoo: Well that was totally expected.

Maybe: I like this girl already.

Sugarless: Thanks! And here I thought you'd be holding a grudge against me for smashing a bottle over your head and all.

Maybe: Oh, right. I almost forgot.

Sugarless: *sigh* I could really use a stack of pancakes with a whipped-cream smilie face on it right about now...

Losien: So... what do we do now?

TLTE: Well-- [we should really make sweet Russian love, right here on the table.]
TLTE: Well, we should be advancing on Gebohq's shattered counterpart, before Christmas arrives.

*The characters continue to move their mouths, as if talking about a serious plan of action, but the background noise is now silent, and the main characters' voices have now been dubbed over by two or three amateur voice actors.*

Losien: [Why don't you love me for my MIND?]
Losien: But what about Ariana?

Geb: [If only I didn't know she was my sister! Now I'm going to continue to mope around and not do anything useful for another ten pages, despite being the apparent main character of this story!]
Geb: *sits super-emo, saying nothing as bickering begins to rise among the group, which slowly mixes with sounds of confusion.*

*The characters now seem to have noticed something odd, but their newly-dubbed voices hardly reflect this.*

TLTE: [My Soviet-sense is tingling! And it's in my pants.]
TLTE: Quiet! I think Amal might know what's happening.

Amal: [Why are you looking at me like that, mister?]
Amal: Our voices... who's speaking over us?

*Everyone looks at each other in wariness.*

[*fart noise*]

*Sugarless covers her mouth in horror*

Sugarless: [Oh gawd, the stench makes me want to hurl chunks!]
Sugarless: What the hell? We're being dubbed over!


*camera zip-pans back with Evil Geb and Young at a random high-tech console, with a large monitor displaying a detailed overhead diagram of the mega-tropolis the main characters and themselves are inhabiting.*

[Back at the ranch...]

Evil Geb: [Ha ha ha! Now they'll never make fun of my questionable dating tactics ever again!]
Evil Geb: Hahahha! With their voices dubbed over by comic amateur voice actors, the heroes won't be able to organize themselves in time to stop our wedding!

Young: [But they'll still be making fun of those shoes of yours.]
Young: Except that we're being dubbed over too.

*Evil Geb stops for a moment.*

[*fart noise*]

*Evil Geb covers buries his head in his head, shaking in shame.*

Evil Geb: [Man that reeks!]
Evil Geb: God I hate story conventions.

*He bangs on the console in fustration, apparently cursing.*

Evil Geb: [WHY DID WE HAVE TO PLAY GOD AND INVENT SMELL-O-VISION? Now I can't change the channel! Where did I put the batteries to the remote...]
Evil Geb: Damnit! Now I can't seem to reverse it! I'll have to recalibrate this crap before this gets out of hand...
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2006-11-10, 8:02 PM #49
Back at Denny's, everyone sits silently around the table, not wanting to talk. The waitress walks over and places a water in front of everyone, each with a slice of lemon. Sarn thinks of protesting the lemon, but he remembers the horrible voice over and cringes. Red pulls a pen out of her conveniently red hair and looks at the silent bunch with tired, unblinking eyes.

Red: Can I take your order?

Geb: What's the use…Oh! Hey! No lame voice over…I mean: they didn't love me enough I guess.

Sugarless: Oooh! I'll have a short stack of pancakes!

Red: With or without the smilely face?

Sugarless: *grins* With!

The waitress, Red, goes through everyone's orders and disappears.

TLTE: *coughs* Well, as I was saying, we should be advancing on Gebohq's shattered counterpart, before Christmas arrives and..erm…Miss?

Everyone looks at Gebohq and the red headed waitress crouching in the seat behind him about to poke him with a spork. She looks at TLTE and blushes as red as her hair.

Red: *nervous laughter* Haha…have to keep these seats shiney! *pulls out a rag and wipes down the seat*

Sugarless: *nudges Geb* I think she likes you, dude.

Geb: What does it matter?

Red: Uh…your right will be food out…erm. Oh, you understand… *walks off, randomly cleaning the backs of chairs as to not have appeared to suspicious*

Otter: Hm, she really does look familiar.

Sugarless: This is random, but has anyone notice how much better it smells without the NeS incarnate around…or what ever. The cowboy.

Everyone agrees and they, yet again, begin to discuss their plans to get to Shattered Geb's.

Originally posted by Ari
As our heroes sit around the table discussing their plans. A horrified Red scampers up to them, she pulls out a pure white feather with a message attached to it. That man... at the door... told me... to give this to you she sobbed.

Geb: Wait! Is there anything else you can tell us about this man Red?

She looked back towards the front entrance and shivered.

Red: Well there was a girl with him..She didn't say much of anything...she looked like she wanted to just...she looked so completely and utterly petrified...

Red: I quickly turned to go deliver the message to you guys, turned around to get another good look at them but they were gone. All that was left was another feather like this one in the doorway...*holds up the feather white feather*

Geb: Something inside me says this is not good, eyeing the note.

everyone echoed in agreement ...silence

Geb: OK OK OK...geez! I will read it. It says,


You fools,
The answer to your problems was right in front of you. Your angel is a lot more than just an angel. Ariana as she is called has the key to the heart of neshattered, her mission was to restore peace in neshattered. Though this mission was to be spoken of to noone. Now she and the key are mine... the unknown powers of this realm will be unleashed but i will be in control once again...and now...evil will reign..the wedding will go on as planned ... and neshattered and this fellow Evil Geb and his princess will be in my control ...neshattered will be mine

Geb: signed some dude named Drat


Wait...Ariana no could she have gotten a key like that.


Those men were holding her captive...

And then that angry mob was like...oh no it's her!

oy... my head hurts now

Yeah mine too

*nods around the table*


Evil geb back in his lab at the computer...

Evil Geb: What ?????
i am the evil one here, that is my job you hear me my job!

Young: (smirks as she is amused yet slightly bewildered ...) who on earth could this Drat be...

Evil Geb: And who is this angel he speaks of...grrr she is ruining everything...i am the super evil villain!! No way is some jerk named Drat gonna steal my thunder...*his face slowly turning a deep purple*
Back at Denny's...

Geb: If we wanna save NES and Young we have to get that key.

Losien: Wait didn't Red say there were some feathers left in the doorway...maybe...

Sure enough outside the door they found yet more white feathers...

Geb: This angel isn't gonna be an angel anymore if she keeps ripping out her feathers. This angel is gonna be a dead angel and NEShattered is gonna make a turn for the worst if we don't do something soon come on!!

Originally posted by Voodoosnowflake
as our heros debate what to do...

Voodoo (sucking on a sucker): Who's Drat anyway?

Sarn: Who's that? Oh, that's just Sem.

Voodoo: No, Who's Drat?

Sarn: You mean TLTE?

Voodoo takes the sucker out of her mouth.

Voodoo: No, Drat!

Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
Sarn: Hey, no need to get snippy. And who ever uses "drat" as a swear word anymore anyway?

Voodoo: No the person, "Drat."

Sarn: What are you talking about?

Voodoo: Oh nevermind.. I'll ask Geb. Geb, who's this fellow, Drat?

Geb: No one likes me.. It's like I'm floating in this dark void.. It's like an ocean, you know? And all around there are waves and I'm crying, but you can't tell because my tears are mixing with the salt-water of the ocean and...

Voodoo: Ahh forget it.

Moments later, Red comes returns with our heroes' food.

Red: Here you go, foks. Eat quick.. There's trouble about you and I don't want you bringing it down on us here.

Sarn: Eat quick? That I can do.

Sarn begins wolfing down pancakes. A bit of syrup splashes onto his nose.

Voodoo: Here, let me get that for you.

Voodoo wipes the syrup from Sarn's nose with her finger. She licks the syrup off her finger.

Sarn: Hawt.

TLTE: Oh come on. You've only really known each other for a few days and you're already cleaning up after him, Voodoo?

Voodoo: Uhh.. I like syrup.

Sem: Don't you guys hate how my name looks the same as Sarn's in print? It's kinda confusing when our readers are trying to uhh.. read. and such. You should change your name, Sarn.

Sarn: Pssh, I'm not changing my name. You change your name. Besides, now you've started a dialogue between the two of us and people are gonna get even more confused.

Sem: No they won't.

Sarn: Yes they will.

Sem: No they won't.

Sarn: Yes they will.

Sem: No they won't.

Sarn: Yes they will.

Sem: No they won't.

Sarn: Yes they will.

Sem: No they won't.

Sarn: Yes they will.

Sem: No they won't.

Sarn: No they- err wait.. Which one am I again?

Sem: Ha, I win! You have to change your name to Spelunk now!

Sarn sneezes horrifically, sending plates and bits of pancake scattering.

Voodoo: Oh, that reminds me. Sarn, try to wash that mark off your forehead. It's distracting. Maybe it will help with the curse thingy...

Sarn: It can't be that simple.

Voodoo: Well, have you ever *tried* to wash it off?

Voodoo crosses her arms across her chest and shoots Sarn a defiant stare.

Sarn: Well uhh.. no.. But... I mean.. Ahh screw it, I'll give it a shot. Excuse me guys.

Sarn leaves the table heading towards the mens restroom. As soon as he's out of earshot, Sem speaks up.

Sem: So, Voodoo, what's the deal with you two anyway? I saw you two going at it like a couple of monkeys back at the bar...

TLTE: Monkeys?

Voodoo blushes and glares at Sem, then turns to the rest of the group.

Voodoo: It wasn't anything like that.. He's exagerating.

Sem: Right.. Sure I am.

Voodoo: Anyway, I don't really know. I mean.. he is remarkable handsome. And he seems sweet, but I think he's got a screw loose or two.

TLTE: Oh trust me, he does. But he's harmless.

Sem: A few fries short of a happy meal, you might say.

Sem grins.

Sem: Aren't I clever?

Geb: Yeah, like we haven't heard that one before. My life is like a broken record, playing the same things over and over again, and the record is broken because it's clogged with my sweat and blood, and I'm trying to fix it, but I can't seem to-

Sem: *cough* So anyway, Voodoo, you like him?

Voodoo: Umm.. well.. Yeah I guess I kinda do. But you guys have to keep your mouths shut. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

On the other side of the room, Sarn emerges from the mens restroom, his forehead scrubbed pink, but the mark gone. He sits down at the table and picks up a fork.

Sarn: So, what'd I miss.

Sem: Oh, Voodoo and I were just talking about-

Voodoo elbows Sem in the ribs.

Sem: About uhh.. the Yankees.

Sarn: Oh yeah.. How about them...

Sarn has obviously never heard of them and knows nothing about baseball.

Voodoo: Oh, yeah.. Those Yankles are great...

Sem: Yankles? Come on.

Sarn: Eh?

Voodoo: Uhh.. Let's see if the curse is gone. Sarn, face away I'm gonna say it.

Sarn: Shoot!

Voodoo: Spelunk!

Sarn sniffles but does not sneeze.

Sarn: Well what do you know? It seems to have worked.

Voodoo: Eh, go figure. All you needed was a Woman's Reason.

TLTE: Guys can we get back to our previous topic? How are we going to stop the evil wedding?

Sarn: Wait, I thought we were talking about them Yankeydoodles.

Sem rolls his eyes

TLTE: Uhh.. yeah before that. Anyway, I'm thinking that for the sake of the story there should be this big dramatic moment where the preacher asks if anyone objects to the "unholy matrimony" and if so speak now or forever hold your peace yada yada... And then Geb will burst in and say "I object!" Then we'll fight and stuff.

Qhobeg: Wait, what about all this with the feathers and the key and what not? What are we doing there?

TLTE: I don't know.. I'm lost. Geb give me that note.

Geb: Umm.. I kinda ruined it. I was wiping my eyes and blowing my nose.

TLTE takes the soggy, mucas covered note gingerly.

TLTE: Well I can still make out some of it...

Originally posted by Gebohq[/u]
TLTE: Fools... angel... key... ugh, this note is useless now. Why did you have to use it as a tissue, tovarish?

Geb: My life has no meaning...*sniff*

TLTE: Hey - I lost my potential too, but you don't see me crying about it. Pull yourself together!

Geb: Why should I care? Least of all from you, Last True Evil.

There is an awkward pause as Gebohq and The Last True Evil look at each other. The pause isn't long, however, as Gebohq turns his attention to pushing his scrambled eggs around his plate with his fork.

TLTE: As I was saying before, we don't have much time to stop this wrongful wedding. As much as we'd all like to help this new friend of ours, we have to press on with our primary mission. We can't be going on side-quests left and right all nilly-willy.

Otter: And here I was thinking you knew how these sort of things work. Taking side-quests is vital to the sort of situations we're in, especially when we're on a supposed race against the clock!

Sarn: This isn't a game!

Sem: Besides, how would going on this side-quest help us any?

Sam: Does anyone have a ketchup bottle we could use?

Sarn: Who're you?

Sam: I'm Sam - a random supurfluous extra here to drag out the Sem-Sarn joke.

TLTE: We don't have time for this--

Sugarless: I thought we weren't supposed to take things too seriously in this NeS business--

Mimiru: And how're we dealing with the check?

The group resumes their squabbling once again, their individual lines becoming conviniently garbled into obscurity over each other. Qhobeg then springs up from his chair and slams his hand on the table.

Qhobeg: You all can keep arguing if you want -- I'm going to do something! And that something is going off and trying to save Ariana. I'm taking Geb with me.

Gebohq whines.

Qhobeg: Anyone who wants to join with us better do it quick, because we're leaving!

Qhobeg slaps down money for himself and Gebohq, grabs Gebohq by the arms, and marches out the door.

Otter: Wait up!

Some people perk their head in surprise as the Otter jumps up and runs out the door. There is a lull in the activity within the group.

Maybe: Did Otter just leave without paying?

CoolMatty: Do we even know what the currency in this place is? I think I'll ask our--where did our waitress go? She was virutally hovering over us up until now...

Everyone in the group looks towards the door, wondering what they should do...

(NSP: I only want the super-active people tagging along, if anyone. Special note to CM -- if you tag along, I suggest it only be Subaru. I encourage people to write their own parallel journey to save Young in the meanwhile.)
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
2006-11-12, 8:00 PM #50
CM: Well hell, I guess we should go too...

Mimiru: Uhm, you can, but I think Young is going to need all the feminine counseling she can get after this ordeal.

CM: Oh... well um..

Mimiru: And since you never split up from me, you're not going either. So just sit back down.

CM: Uhm... okay. Sorry.

CM sits back down, somewhat miffed by the total control Mimiru has over him, but grudgingly accepts it.

Subaru: Maybe I could go?

Mimiru: Are you sure? I could use your help.

Subaru: There are plenty of others here. And plus, I think a sidequest is really what I need right now. I've got a lot of new powers, and I don't really understand how to use them yet. I know I'm a great healer and all, but in the end I'll probably just get in the way. Let me go, and learn a thing or two about these new developments...

Mimiru: Fair enough. You take care of yourself!

Subaru: I will. And... if you see Antestarr... tell him where I'm going.

Mimiru: Sure thing.

Subaru runs off to catch up to Otter. Once again, the room falls silent for a moment.

CM: Wait, did she just leave us with her bill too?! DAMNIT!

Wai: What do you care, your wife is filthy rich anyway...

CM: Wai! What in the hell.... where in the.... how did you.... but that's....

Wai: I was hungry! So sue me.

CM: But you're a freakin robot! Robots don't eat!

Wai: They do now.

CM: And where exactly are you PUTTING this "food"?

Wai: I'm mincing it and storing it to be deposited in a bathroom like any other civilized being, of course.

CM: But... you aren't digesting it! Why even eat if you get nothing from it?!

Wai: Well, mostly... cause it's funny to piss you off.

CM: What?

CM blinks, and Wai is gone. A half-eaten stack of hotcakes sits at the table

Mimiru: Now CM... he's your friend... don't get too-

CM: That *******! I'm gonna freakin rip his head off the next time I see him!
Originally posted by Gebohq
As Qhobeg and the others step out, a crowd outside Denny's notices them.

random crowd person #21: Hey everyone! It's Geb!

random crowd person #13: And Geb?

random crowd person #42: Is that the princess!

Qho: Uh-oh, RUN!

Geb: They don't really want me...--

Qho: Give it a break already!

Qhobeg, the Otter and Subaru book it, but are amazingly slowed down by Gebohq.

Subaru: Isn't there anything we can do?

Otter: Just a sec...

The Otter reaches into his medical bag and pulls out a blackberry showing Geb's livejournal webpage that was somehow made and frequently updated very recently. He duct-tapes the contration onto Gebohq so that the PDA always hangs just out of Geb's reach. Acting on his recent need to be emo, Geb lurches towards the blackberry, making a comparable speed with Qhobeg and the others now.

Qho: Damn, do you have everything in that bag?

Otter: Everything except ****ing alcohol...

Subaru: Are you sure we should be playing upon Geb's need to be emo like that?

Qhobeg: You have a better idea?

Subaru: Well why couldn't you just carry him?

Qhobeg: Do I look like I'm made of muscle? What is it with you women anyway? Can't you just let something be!?

Subaru: So what happens when he realizes he can't reach the blackberry?

Otter suddenly grabs Subaru by the shirt collar, and in an incredibly dramatic voice...

Otter: Then.... my lady, we will all die!

Subaru: Oh come off it! And get off my shirt!

Otter: Well, you know, while we're here... like this... together...

Subaru: You even think of it and alcohol won't be the only thing you're missing.

Otter: You scar me, my lady! I would never even think as to do something that you were not completely okay with!

Subaru: Is that right?

Otter: Of course, I hold no responsibility if you are slightly inebriated while making such a decision, but I maintain my position!

Subaru: I hate you oh so very much right now.

Qhobeg: I know this sounds odd, but guys, we're lagging horribly behind Geb. Pick it up, will you?

Subaru looks forward to see an entranced Geb continuing to accelerate and increase distance between them.

Subaru: How the hell does he run that fast?

Otter: Aww hell there's no way I could run that fast!

Subaru (With a sigh): Alright, hold onto me.

Otter: Huh? Gladly!

Otter holds onto Subaru tightly... in all the wrong places. Subaru then focuses her energy into her arms to carry Otter, and also to her feet to increase her traction and to make her legs work at full efficiency.

Subaru: I've never really tried this before, so hold on!

Subaru, with Otter clinging tightly, dashes off after Geb. Qhobeg activates his Geb-it drive, and follows closely.
Originally posted by Gebohq
Qhobeg and Subaru (with the Otter strapped to her) do their best to try and keep up with Gebohq. The populace of the mega-city the heroes have been in (which we'll call the Shattered Capital for now) continue to pursue Qhobeg and the others with little luck.

Subaru: I don't know how much longer I can keep this up!

Qhobeg: Worse yet, Geb's not following the trail anymore.

Qhobeg starts sprinting towards Gebohq. Fortunately for Qhobeg, Gebohq's maximum speed is actually slower than his own, since Gebohq is in his evil/shattered counterpart's body, and manages to catch up and tackle Gebohq onto a garden patch. Gebohq begins to wimper, so Qhobeg takes the improvised fishing pole-with-a-blackberry-for-bait off the helmet Gebohq was wearing and hands the blackberry to Gebohq. Still holding on to the fishing pole-part, Qhobeg guides Gebohq back to the trail, handing the helmet back to the Otter.

Subaru: *huff huff*... ok, Otter, ride's over.

Subaru "unclasps" the Otter's arms and legs off her and drops him on the ground with little care.

Qhobeg: Looks like I'll have to hold onto this and be Geb's guide... ugh, I hate escort missions.

Otter: Hey, it looks like our trail heads off the beaten path and down that valley over there.

Subaru: *still trying to recover*

Qhobeg: What the hell -- how big is this city we're in?

Qhobeg points to a convinient map of the city framed next to them.

Qhobeg: According to the map, we should be able to see this "Palace of Power" that this map says the wedding will be at, and it should be smack-dab in the middle of this city. I think this map's scale must be wrong or something....

Otter: Actually, the map's right. What you're seeing up ahead is a distortion caused by story-wielding.

Qhobeg: Huh?

Otter: I'm not entirely sure, but gathering from the people who live here, and from the TV broadcast we saw at the bar earlier, among some other things I noticed, Geb's evil self has transformed this super-city of his into an ecological refuge with his power over the story here. Since it's not possible to fit everything into such a small place, Evil Geb used his powers to break some physics and squeeze it all in here.

Qhobeg: Uh... so what's this mean?

Otter: We better stick close to this trail, or on the beaten path, or else we might get lost.

Qhobeg: Ah. I guess this explains why that waterfall over there is flowing upwards.

Subaru: Not to stop our fun, you two, but those people that were chasing us are starting to catch up.

Qhobeg: Damnit. A'ight, time to try and pry this thing out of Geb's hands...

Geb: But I'm not finished posting my lyrics to Linkin Park's "Runaway" on my livejournal yet!

After some struggling, Qhobeg pops the blackberry out of Geb's hands and dangles it in front of him. The four then start making their way down the lush valley...


Qhobeg: Man, how many feathers did Ariana have?

As the quartet continue following the trail down the valley, The Otter notices something on Qhobeg's chest, underneath his shirt.

Otter: Is that a tattoo on your chest?

Qhobeg: What? Oh. Uh... yeah.

Subaru: Oo! Can I see it?

Qhobeg grumbles and lifts up his shirt. Over his heart, there's a tattoo of what appears to be something of a Q and a spiral.

Subaru: What is it?

Qhobeg: Hell if I know. I just had some guy in a plothole put in on me.

Subaru: Think it does anything?

Qhobeg: Beats me. It's probably just a tattoo--

Otter: Stop!

Qhobeg: What?

Otter: There's a covered pit about 20 feet in front of us. We should probably go around it.

Qhobeg: What are you talking about? I don't see--

The Otter picks up a rock and chucks it some 20 feet ahead of them at the ground. The ground appears to sink, revealing a nasty-looking pit.

Qhobeg: --a pit.... right, let's go around it then.

Geb: I think I'd rather throw myself in that pit. Nobody would miss me.

Qhobeg dangles the livejournal bait in front of Gebohq, luring him away from the pit and back on track. Meanwhile, ominous animal noises begin to echo through the valley, and Greenpeace members start to shadow our heroes...

Originally posted by quesadilla_red
Rick: We better watch out for those kangaroos. They're mighty dangerous this time of the year.

Subaru: Whoa...where'd you come from?

Rick: Why, I've been here the whole time of course!

Otter: You look a bit cleaner.

Gebohq: I feel as though everyone is staring but no one sees me...*makes an attempt to grap the LJ bait*

Qhobeg: I kind of feel as I'm being watched as well...

Subaru: Me too...

Rick: Oh yeah, we're being...ah, nevermind. *keeps pace with Geb and starts to whistle.*

The group continues onward, a little more catiously.


Gebohq the Writer: That was lame! Write more!

Quesadilla_red the Writer: But it had kangaroos!!

Gebohq the Writer: Hm....okay, you have a point.

Originally posted by Gebohq
The Otter keeps an eye on Ricky, who is keeping close to Gebohq and Qhobeg.

Ricky: So like I was saying, we better watch out for kangaroos.

Qhobeg: What the-- why would they be in a wooded valley? And since when are kangaroos particularly dangerous animals? Where do you come up with this nonsense?

Otter: Qho.

Qhobeg: What?

Otter: Geb.

Qhobeg: Huh?

Qhobeg spins around to see a kangaroo with boxing gloves on about to wail on Gebohq.

Qhobeg: GAH!

Qhobeg jerks the blackberry bait behind him, and Geb lurches after it, dodging a deadly punch from the kangaroo. It turns its attention to Qhobeg. Leaping forward, it engages its brawl with Qhobeg. Qhobeg weaves and dodges its punches in a manner that would make Ali proud. Flashing a confident smirk at the others, he prepares to retailiate.

Otter: No, don't Qhobeg! There are Greenpeace snipers locked onto us!

Qhobeg: Are you serious? Well damnit, what am I supposed to do? I can't dodge this thing forever!

Otter: Just a sec...

The Otter reaches intohis black bag and pulls out a boom box. He then pulls out a cassette tape of the Rocky theme music, pops it in, and begins to play it. The kangaroo slows in its assault, somewhat confused by the music. It then turns to its side, where The Otter is now standing, outfitted like Rocky's coach.

Otter: (to the kangaroo) You did good, kid. Go home now, lil' Joey, and go reply to some e-mails.

The kangaroo looks at the Otter, puzzled, then surprisingly heads off, doing a little Rocky-esque victory dance in the process. Qhobeg, Ricky and Subaru look at the Otter with jaws slack, who is now back in his normal black attire. The Otter then notices their surprised reaction.

Otter: What? I'm good with animals.

Qhobeg: ...right, let's get moving then. And Ricky -- can you give me and poor Geb some space?

Ricky: >.>

Subaru: So what are we going to do about the Greenpeace snipers? We're bound to run into more deadly animals and such, up ahead.

Qhobeg: I don't think there's much we can do about it, for now at least. We'll just try to avoid as many as we can, and then hope the Otter can deal with the rest.

Otter: Speaking of being watched, I should also point out that I've noticed a bunch of hidden cameras since we've first entered this mega-city. One in particular is attached to a crow that's been following us.

Qhobeg: Are you sure? I mean, damn! When did you get so observant?

The Otter glares at Qhobeg.

Subaru: So what's that mean for us?

Otter: Hell if I know. I'm just noticing it all. Putting the pieces together isn't the sort of thing sidekicks do.

The Otter says "sidekicks" with some disdain.

Qhobeg: I wonder what Geb's shattered self is up to right now...

Cue convinient scene swipe to Evil/Shattered Geb's Palace of Power, in the center of the Shattered Capital mega-city (the setting of the storyarc now).

S. Geb: So, the heroic Gebohq and three others are searching for this angel, Ariana now, hmm? Well then, this will be easier than I thought. I'll let them lead me to this upstart "Drat" that's trying to steal my villainous thunder and eliminate him, then take Gebohq back with me to be the father of the bride. Those other heroes idling at the Denny's can be killed without concern, now that Gebohq is not with them.

Young: Do you always think outloud like that?

S. Geb: It's a habit when you're a villain.

Young: I see. And do you expect the others, who trying to save me, will die that easily?

S. Geb: No, not really. But it's part of--

Young: --being a villain. I think I understand.

S. Geb: Let's just hope that this "Drat" is found soon. There's not much time left before the wedding...

Scene swipe back to Gebohq, Qhobeg, Subaru, Ricky and the Otter, as they finish decending down the valley...

Ricky: Look, a river!

Otter: Uh, maybe you should leave the observing to me.

Ricky: :saddowns:

Subaru: Looks like the trail continues on the other side of the river, following downstream along the bank.

Otter: Who's ready for a swim, then?

Qhobeg: No dice.

Qhobeg holds out the blackberry dice over the water. Gebohq begins to whimper, acting as if the river were a bottomless chasm.

Otter: Well what now?

The group ponders...

Qhobeg: Hey, do you have a chainsaw in that bag of yours, Otter?

Otter: Uh, no.

Qhobeg: Wait, I got an idea! *knowing wink to the camera*

The scene flips like a revolving door, to indicate that time passes.

Otter: what was your idea?

Qhobeg: Uh, well see, I thought I'd be able to story-wield so that we'd be on the other side of the river, since I was made with the possibility of replacing Gebohq if he died. So... I tried it out with a little fourth-wall-breaking.

Otter: Nice try, but all you did was make everything look like it was in a mirror.

Qhobeg: Well, let me see if I can fix my error...

The scene flips again like a revolving door.

Qhobeg: Damnit, I didn't even get it to change back...

Otter: No, wait! You got us across!

Qhobeg: Oh... cool. Let's get moving then.

Qhobeg, Gebohq, The Otter, Subaru and Ricky continue to follow the trail of feathers. Not too long after, the trail leads them into a cave, which they enter. The Otter tries to shed some light with his Vulcan's flame, and a rather weak, lighter-size flame appears in his hand.

Otter: Sorry about that. Without my usual levels of alcohol in my blood, my Vulcan's flame is...lacking.

Qhobeg: Hey, anything's better than nothing. It's not like any of the others are helping out.

Qhobeg gestures to Gebohq, Subaru and Ricky, who each have uncharacteristic vacant looks in their eyes. After a few, short dramatic turns through the cave, Qhobeg points ahead.

Qhobeg: I think I see the end of the tunnel here.

The group reaches to the light at the end of the cave and, to their surprise, there is a vast, flat, arctic plain in front of them. To their left and right, snowy mountains. Ahead of them, however, all they see is a rather mean-looking snowman, holding a crude sign that says "turn back now!" A heavy snowstorm prohibits the group from seeing into the far distance. Their trail leads them into the depths of the blinding snowstorm.

Qhobeg: What the hell?

Otter: Another part of this ecological refuge, I'd imagine.

Qhobeg: Well, at least Greenpeace shouldn't be following us.

random Greenpeace member: *from a ridiculous distance* YOU WISH!

Qhobeg: Hate...hate...


Qhobeg, with his improvised "emo" fishing stick, guides Gebohq on the trail through the thick haze of white. To Qhobeg's side is Ricky, continually eyeing him and Gebohq in a shady, studious way. Closely following behind Qhobeg are Subaru and The Otter.

Subaru: Stupid cold...

The Otter takes off his coat and offers it to Subaru.

Otter: Here.

Subaru: ...I'm fine.

Otter: I won't need it. I got my own ways of staying warm.

Subaru: Uh, no, I'm not providing "body heat" for you--

Otter: That's not what I was thinking!

Subaru: Sure it wasn't.

Otter: Just take it already!

Subaru narrows her eyes at the Otter, then takes his coat with great reluctance. She then puts the coat on, not looking back at the Otter.

Otter: Not even a bloody "thanks" for me...

Cupping his hands, the Otter musters his Vulcan's flame, which he huddles around as the group continues their trek. Suddenly, an animal roar breaks the quiet in the air, and the group stops in fear.

Qhobeg: I really hope it's not hungry for humans.

Otter: Hey, I don't have to outrun the beast -- I just have to outrun the slowest person in the group!

The Otter looks at the people in his group.

Otter: ...fuq.
2006-11-28, 6:28 PM #51
*Sheets of white whipped around Gebohq, Qhobeg, Ricky, Subaru, and The Otter, obscuring the path ahead. The feral roar heard from the area in front of them reprised itself, somewhat louder and closer.*

Qhobeg: Okay, if I bury myself head first in the snow down to my waist, perhaps this obviously large and hungry beast ahead of us will fail to smell me, allowing me to effect a sneak attack!

Otter: I'd just char it to... uh... charcoal if I only had some booze. Who's idea was it to run this adventure dry anyway?! Stupid wit not working completely sober.

Gebohq: Just leave me behind and run, guys. The wailing torrent of my suffering should give it indigestion that will prevent whatever's ahead of us from eating another human being again.

*A third roar ripped through the snowstorm. The group cowered, hoping that whatever was beyond the white veil was merely a polar bear or perhaps a raving dire penguin rather than some form of abominable humanoid snowbeast. However, as they contemplated their seemingly inevitable doom, a person shouted at them across the tundra from the direction that the roars came from.*

Person: Dadburn whippersnappers! Most vandals just kick the snowman and run off after they hear the first roar! Don't make me come out there and chase you off my lawn with a broom!

*A silhouette appeared before the group. The figure appeared to be in a robe of some sort, uneven disheveled hair atop its form and a long broom shaped apparattus held aloft from one extremity.*

Otter: Please sir, don't hurt us! We just got... uh... lost. Following some feathers! Just give us some brandy and we'll be on our way!

Person: FEH! Following... wait, that voice. You sound like that Otter fellow. I knew the guy a while back. Crazy lad. Quite the drunkard... Well, don't just stand there in the cold, the house is up the trail a short way. Door's unlocked. I'll go get out of this old bathrobe and into something more appropriate for entertaining guests.

*The silhouette disappeared into the billowing snow just as the wind let up enough to show the frame of a seemingly rustic log cabin shaped shelter up ahead. Unsure how to react to the sudden invitation, the group cautiously approached the front door.*
Originally posted by Gebohq
((NSP: Something of an Ante-Geb collaboration. More may come soon, either from myself or Ante. CoolMatty (or anyone else) -- if you want to contribute, get a hold of one of us so we can fill you in on some stuff.))

Not too far away, but far away enough to be unseen by Qhobeg and the others, one of the Greenpeace snipers watches our heroes with his ultra-high-end surveillance and tracking equipment.

Greenpeace sniper: *to himself* Who are they talking to... there's no one else there...

The sniper then backs off his equipment slightly, tapping it as his targets appear to deviate slightly from the trail, then dissapear.

Greenpeace sniper: Damnit. Now I got to-- why hello lil' penguin. How're you..what the...OH GAWD IT'S USING ME AS A SNOWBOARD!

Meanwhile (NeS count: -23,187, as it went so high that it flipped from positive to negative and is working backwards now), our heroes are starting to open the door to the log cabin.

Otter: What I'm trying to figure out is what a log cabin is doing in a place that only became a winter wonderland rather recently.

Qhobeg: This is the NeS, in case you forgot. Things don't make sense.

Otter: Correction -- this is NeShattered.

Qhobeg: Whatever.

Subaru, Ricky, Gebohq, Qhobeg and the Otter enter inside the log cabin, which they soon discover doesn't look much a log cabin on the inside. Instead, it looks a lot like a dilapidated monastary space fitting for a post-apocalyptic, bizzaro-type world.

Qhobeg: What the... what is this place?

Person: *out of view* Oh, I nearly forgot, what with the snow hitting here yesterday, or last week...year... who knows. Hold yer horses...

The person walks into view, wearing the drab colors that would be fitting for someone who lived in a post-apocalypic world, except he's not wearing any pants, as he's still holding them in his hands. The others almost immediately avert their eyes.

Otter: Geez...

Apparently unaware, or uncaring, of his guests' reaction, the person pushes some buttons on a wall, and most everything in their environment suddenly changes to match the interior of a cozy winter log cabin house, though the space inside is still significantly larger than it appeared from outside.

Person: *while putting on his pants* It's not often that I have guests. Isn't that right, Russel? It's certainly a wonder to see you Otter, though I thought you were dead, and Geb--Holy Mother of Pearl! Gebohq?!?![/b]

The group then turns around when hearing the fear in the person's voice. The man, now wearing pants, appears to be at least in his fourties, with long, unkempt hair, mostly silver with some blonde. Now able to get a good look at their host, everyone but Ricky begin to recognize the man, who is looking at Gebohq with fear, mixed with confusion as he also looks at Qhobeg.

Qhobeg: ...Antestarr?
Pereant qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
2006-12-02, 12:22 AM #52
Originally posted by Voodoosnowflake
Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus...

It plays in the background, as our heros still idle at Denny's.


Sugarless looks at the half eaten stack of hot-cakes.

Sugarless: "I'll take those if no one wants them."

Voodoo begins to pace back an fourth, her hands covering her ears.

Voodoo: "NO! Stop it!"

CM: Oh, so we have miss I-have-voices-in-my-head to babysit too?!

Voodoo: No! it's the music! the Christmas Music.

Person at a different table: Christmas HATER!

Voodoo: NO! It is not that I hate Christmas.

Voodoo continues to clap her hands over her ears and pace around.

Voodoo: It just when you've worked somewhere for so long and at Christmas you hear the same song and its different versions over and over and over, it tends to drive you nuts, especially when they start playing it before Thanksgiving.

Her pacing quickens.

Voodoo: "It's getting louder!"


Minion 2: "Sir, why are we blaring "Here Comes Santa Claus"? Wouldn't it be better to catch them by surprise?"

Minion 1: He thought it would be a "nice touch". You know, villains sometimes like to do that.

Helicopters rapidly approach the Denny's.

Originally posted by sugarless5
Sugarless sighs and shoves a forkful of red potatoes in her mouth.

Sugarless: Hey guys, not that I'd ever mind staying in a restaurant, but is there a particular reason we're still here?

Sugarless looks pointedly over to see Voodoo banging her head repeatedly against a table and pats her back in sympathy.

Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
Sarn Cadrill taps his fork against the table absent-mindedly

Sarn: What else should we be doing?

Originally posted by quesadilla_red
Sugarless: I don't know. Saving the world, stopping that wedding, saving Voodoo from this Christmas music?

Sarn: Yeah...*looks over at Voodoo* We should probably get our check first however...

Sugarless: Oh yeah...hey, where did our waitress go?

An overly excited man leaps over to the table. He is wearing flashing light Christmas pins and a Santa hat in addition to his Denny's uniform. He speaks as though everything he says ends in an exclamation mark.

Man: Heeey there! My name is Ted!! How are you all this fine winter morning?! Did I hear your waitress left you?! I'll be your waiter now?! Did you all want desert?! Ah...don't you love all this Christmas music?! !.

Sarn and Sugarless: o_O


Sarn: What the--

Three men in flamboyant purple, red and green combat outfits burst into the Denny's and face towards our lackluster heroes.

Mimiru: Hey!

What? You've been sitting around. And now you get this.

CoolMatty: Get "what," exactly?

Green man: I'm Ted.

Purple man: I'm--

Ted, the waiter, walks up to them, breaking their routine.

Ted the waiter: HI THERE! My name's Ted too! Isn't that just CRAZY?! Can I--

The red man delivers a palm strike to Ted the waiter. The waiter goes sprawling to the ground. Everybody cheers. The three men then form into their performance again.

Green man: I'm Ted.

Purple man: I'm Ned.

Red man: And I'm Fred.

Ted/Ned/Fred: And we're...

The three super-theatrical men strike a jazz-like group pose.


They continue holding their pose, waving "jazz hands" and grinning like idiots. Everybody is dumbfounded, except for Voodoosnowflakes, who is still banging her head against a wall, trying to stop the music.

Sugarless: Troublesome?

Ned: We've been sent by our master, Gebohq, to stop you all from ruining his wedding at any costs!

Losien: *whispering to Maybechild* Gebohq?

Maybe: *whispering back to Losien* I'm pretty sure they mean the Geb from this place, hun -- the evil one.

Losien: Oh.

Fred: Do not underestimate us, for we are all trained in martial combat -- physically and magically -- and we've never been defeated!

Semievil: Because you're "troublesome?"


The green-wearing Ted springs from his position to a random person nearby, grabs them and holds down a remote trigger with his free hand The purple-wearing Ned pulls out an ultra-high-tech sub-machine gun and fires it in the air.


The patrons of Denny's, terror-stricken and familiar with Evil Geb's power, fall to the ground. Coolmatty starts to get to the ground.

Mimiru: Not you!

CoolMatty: Oh, right.

Ted: If anyone does anything funny, I'll kill my hostage!

TLTE: A hostage situation?

Ted: Something like that. I am a master of containing conflict, and of escalating them. You will all find it difficult to escape me, or penetrate through the defenses that I make. If you're foolish enough to stay, you will not only have to worry about yourselves, but of the innocents I will take out with me if you try and kill me. Or maybe just be...troublesome.

Ted shakes the remote trigger in his hand, grinning.

Sugarless: He's a suicidal madman!

Ted: Oh, but that's not all. Ned?


Ned flicks a needle-like object at almost imperceivable speed, striking Maybechild in the neck. She jerks in reflex, then pulls the needle out, noticing that the tip of the needle appears to be coated in something strange.

Ned: I am an expert marksman, and could certainly kill you all myself right now, if I chose to do so. That gets boring though, so I've learned to become an expert in poisons. Your friend there will slowly weaken, and perhaps by the next day or so, she will die a very agonizing death. I hope to tag you all.

Maybechild goes wide-eyed, digging in her purse to see if she can find some herbal cure. Ned giggles.

TLTE: And what about Fred? What's your "dread technique?"

Fred: Uh, Ted? do I really have to do this?

Ted: Yes, you have to do it! We don't rehearse for fun! Say it!

Fred: *sigh*... Dread Fred Technique...

The red-clad Fred makes a gesture, and suddenly there appears to be five of him. They each say a part of a sentence, or together.

Fred: I'm capable of protecting myself and dealing with you all with my illusions. I am also capable of augmenting and healing those whom I chose.

TLTE: How troublesome.

Oh no, a stand-off with three of quite possibly the most difficult no-named villains yet!

Ted: Hey! We have names!

Whatever. They're certainly "troublesome" indeed! How will our heroes deal with Evil Geb's croonies? Will they ever be able to stop Evil Geb's wedding at this rate?

Really, our heroes have no chance to survive. They best make their time.
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2006-12-03, 9:58 PM #53
OOC: Geb just won't leave me alone... :argh:


Grismath still didn't understand. The top scientific minds of Canada had been summoned to investigate the mystery of how the suspected terrorists - and, of chief importance, Semievil, whom the Canadian Collective now had reasonably suspected had gone double-agent - had managed to entirely disappear in a flash. These scientists had since given up and left. Leaving only a few engineers not yet out of university behind to attempt the problem with various odds and ends around the facility.

First the plane bombing. Then Tumbleweed going missing. Ammobelt pleading innocence - either way, he'd have a lot of time to think about it in a tiny solitary confinement cell. Division within the very ranks of the Canadian Collective. Things just didn't add up. Apparently, neither did the calculations of one young engineer by the security clearance ID of 'kyle90.' Although the top minds had designed an interdimensional transporter theoretically capable of taking a group to 'NeShattered,' kyle was unable to pinpoint the exact coordinates of this destination.

Nevertheless, this was Grismath's only chance to catch up with these terrorists. No one knew what they could be up to wherever they were, no doubt raising an interdimensional blob army to cleanse Hell of its frosty citizenry.

Grismath had hand-picked an elite team of rank and file Collective officers, under the command of what few Agents he could yet spare and trust. Agent Sno-Cone, his beard still frosted from the harsh cold outside stood at the front, was joined by Agents Thawbroke and Murdertongue. All were armed to the teeth with their weapons of choice and plenty of ammo.

A technician monitored fluctuations in the interdimensional plane for an opportunity to open a portal with the transporter on one screen and watched TV on the other. Lord Grismath knocked his bag of potato chips away and bade him to concentrate. He did not have any room for failure. Unfortunately, he would have to make some. The technician sat up and observed a fluctuation. He turned on the machine and the task force, after a deep breath and a "Go Team!" entered the rift.

Grismath twisted the antenna on the TV and he was able to get a somewhat clear picture of the task force hurtling through a psychedelic wormhole. When they were spit out on the other end, they found themselves stranded in 19th century London. Only since this was a parallel dimension, all the Londoners were actually fish. Agent Murdertongue tried to fire one of her MP5 submachineguns in alarm; however, only Goldfish crackers came out of the barrel. Agent Thawbroke qucikly ate these so as not to litter in the dimension they had just entered as guests.

In a fit of rage, Grismath bashed the TV with the butt of his plated revolver. kyle90 figured it was not the best time to inform his Lordship that the technicians would be unable to monitor the status of the task force without a TV that could tune in to the right station. Meanwhile, elsewhere, Suburban TV guy found a new show to watch.

"Sir! Sir!" The technician cried, "I'm detecting another fluctuation! This one's sure to lead to NeShattered! It's gotta!"

Not suspicious of the technician's simpleton use of the vernacular, Grismath decided that if he wanted to get to the bottom of this mystery, he would do so himself. If things did not work, it might just be about time that Grismath move on from the Canadian Collective to his next exploit anyway. In the meantime, kyle90 had whipped up a "hook" device that, if worn, would act as a lifeline back to our dimension. So long as Grismath had physical contact with the "hook," the engineers promised that they would be able to bring him back to Canada at any time.

He commanded the engineers to turn on the transporter again and he boldly entered the light...

Since interdimensional travel is so exhausting, Grismath had worked up an appetite. This NeShattered place seemed normal enough, so he got a table at the first diner he found. Suddenly, he noticed Semievil! And the terrorists! Or some of them, anyway. Although he blurted out a few things, he determined to watch this group at a distance.

Meanwhile, in Fish London, the stalwart task farce of the Canadian Collective dashed through the midnight streets, fleeing from the ever-present shadow of... Jack the Flipper.
Lord Tiberius Grismath
1473 for '1337' posts.
2006-12-03, 11:05 PM #54
Back at the Denny's...

Sarn: Alright, everyone listen up.

TLTE: (muttering to himself) Oh, this will be good.

Sarn whirls, and fixes TLTE with a withering glare.

Sarn: Leutenant, I'm ashamed! How can you be an example for the cadets if you're going around making sarcastic comments? Drop and give me 20!

TLTE: eh?

Sarn: Leutenant. What is the correct response to an order?

TLTE: Uhh, "Yes, Sir?"

Sarn: You dolt. It's "Aye aye, Sir." I've half a mind to revoke your commission. Make it 40 pushups.

Voodoo looks up from the jukebox. She motions to Semievel...

Voodoo: What's going on? Why's Sarn talking like that? Is it some kind of diversion?

Sem: Well, no.. Not exactly. I'll explain later.

TLTE meets Sarn's glare defiantly.

Fred: Uhh guys? We're kinda supposed to fight now!

Sarn: I'm sorry, Ned. It will have to wait. My leutenant needs to learn some manners first. Get to those pushups TLTE.

Fred: I'm Fred, not Ned. Don't you even read the script?

Sem: TLTE, I think you'd better do those pushups..

Sem winks at TLTE. TLTE shrugs and drops to the floor. He begins pumping out military style pushups with surprising effeciency.

Sarn: Very good, Leutenant. Now then, Ned. That's no way to talk back to your superior officer is it?

Fred: Uhh.. no.. sir?

Sarn: 20 pushups. And you'd better finish them before TLTE finishes his, or there'll be trouble.

Fred: But... I'm not Ned! I'm Fred!

Sarn: Pushups! Now!

Sarn grabs Fred by the ear and twists. Fred drops to his knees. Ned and Ted watch on in stunned silence.

Fred: Ok, ok! I'll do the frazzing pushups!

Fred begins doing pushups.

Sarn: Much better, Ned. Now then. Is anyone else going to show disrespect?

Sem: No, Sir!

Sem turns away to keep Sarn from seeing the mischevious smile forming on his face. TLTE resumes his feet.

TLTE: Uhh, sir? Pushups completed.

Sarn: Very well, Leutenant. Give me 20 more.

TLTE: But...

Sarn reaches towards TLTE's ear.

TLTE: Uhh, aye aye, Sir!

TLTE drops and begins doing more pushups. Meanwhile Fred has completed his pushups. He rises to his feet.

Fred: Uhh, sir? We're kind of supposed to fight you. That's why Geb sent us.

Sarn: Did you do your full 20 pushups, Ned?

Fred: Uhh, yes Sir. About that fight...

Sarn: Oh yes, of course. First we'll need to devise a strategy. Luckily for the rest of you, I'm an expert tactician. Here's what we'll do. I'm going to split us up into three Firetea-

Sem: Uhh Sir? Pardon the inturruption. But remember, you can't use that phrase. We never did pay for the rights.

Sarn: Nonsense cadet, you forget that we are now in NeShattered. And NeShattered is controlled by Evil Geb. Therefore, he'll be responsible for me using the term. Now as I was saying. We'll divide into three Fireteams, Fireteam Alpha, Fireteam Beta, and Fireteam uhh.. 3.

TLTE stands, having completed his pushups.

TLTE: Fireteam... 3?

Sarn: Yes of course. Now then, when I give the word, Fireteam Alpha will advance towards the enemy. Fireteam Beta will cover Fireteam Alpha, and Fireteam 3 will cover Fireteam Beta.

Sem: So who's gonna cover Fireteam 3?

Sarn: Not to worry, Cadet. Fireteam 3 will consist entirely of main characters, and therefore, according to story convention, will be practicaly invinceble.

Sem makes a heroic effort to keep sarcasm from his voice.

Sem: Umm.. Of course, Sir. Brilliant.

Sarn: I'm glad you recognize the genius behind my plan. It's troopers like you who go on to be Admirals some day. Now then, let's split up. Fireteam Alpha will consist of myself, Miss Snowflakes, those two random patrons over by the bar...

Random Patron 1: Hey!

Sarn: ...and Semievel. Fireteam Beta will consist of that couple at the table there with the waffles, Losien, TLTE, and Amal. And Fireteam 3 will consist of CoolMatty, Grismath, Mimiru, Sugarless, and Maybechild. Now then, Fireteams! Form UP!

Fred: Sir, what about us?

Sarn: Well.. I suppose we could have a Fireteam D...

Ted: Fred, you moron. We're not on the same team as them!

Fred: Oh yeah... Wait a second. Why was I doing pushups for him then?

Ted: I don't know. Why were you exactly?

Fred: Well I don't know.. I mean, he just seems really smart. Maybe we should be on their team? We are pretty outnumbered...

Ted: Yeah, but we have annoying, tedius powers. Besides, we've never lost, remember?

Ned: I don't know, Ted.. I'm kinda with Fred on this one.

Fred: Could we at least split up into Fireteams or something?

Ted: No, they've already split up into Fireteams and we're on different sides. We can't use the same name. We'll have to call them something else.

Sarn: How about Strikegroups?

Ted: That's not bad... I'll be Strikegroup 1. Fred you're Strikegr-

Fred: How come you get to be Strikegroup 1?

Ted: Well fine, whatever. You can be Strikegroup 1.

Fred: Oh, I see how it is. You're too good for Strikegroup 1, is that it?

Ted: What? No... I just...

Fred: I'm sick of you thinking that you own this Troublesome Trio. Ned and I should have a say too. And, while we're on the subject, you always leave the toilet seat up..

Ted: But... we're all men! Why would I put the toilet seat dow-

Fred: You know, Ted. Sometimes I have to go number 2.

Ted: Yeah well, Fred.. All I ever hear from you is number 2.

Ned: Uhh guys?

Fred: That's it! After we kill these guys, I want to renegotiate my contract.

Ted: Why don't you renegotiate yourself right out of our Trio?

Ned: Guys?

Fred: It wouldn't exactly be a trio then, now would it?!

Ned: GUYS!

Ted: What?

Ned: Where'd those guys go?

The Denny's is empty.

Ten minutes later, and two miles down the road...

Sarn: Fireteam Beta! Advance!

The members of Fireteam Beta run forward a few paces, then assume a "combat-ready stance."

Sarn: Fireteam 3! Advance!

TLTE: Uhh, sir? Don't you think we'd be faster if we just ran for it?

Sarn: Sure, until we got AMBUSHED! I don't pay you to think, Lieutenant. Now then, everyone listen up. I think we'll be much faster if we just advance all at once, so I'm combining Fireteams Alpha, Beta, and 3 into Fireteam Supra. Fireteam Supra, Advance!


Later, in the evil fortress of evil Geb...

Evil Geb: I wonder if the mail's come yet...

Evil Geb checks his mailslot. He notices one item that seems unusual.

Evil Geb: What's this? A bill from Captain Cadpill Rights Management? What did I ever buy from them?

Evil Geb rips open the envelope. His eyes go wide as he scans the paper.

Evil Geb: Thirteen thousand dollars for "Usage of copyrighted phrases"!? I'm trying to plan a wedding here!

Young: Umm, that's Canadian dollars.

Evil Geb: Oh, of course... So?

Young: So according to current exchange rates, it's actually only just over eleven thousand dollars.

Evil Geb: Oh sure, that makes a huge difference...
Originally posted by Gebohq
Back inside the Denny's...

Ted: What are we waiting for? TROUBLESOME TRIO, DREAD AHEAD ASSAULT!


Fred: I'd rather be doing the "dread Fred gets fed" plan.

Ted and Ned grab Fred and drag him out of the Denny's, in pursuit of the fleeing heroes.


...Um, OK then. I thought there'd be more to this installment.

Geb the writer: Nope. Just want to keep TLTE and the others actively doing something -- in this case running away from the three of them -- until I, or one of the other writers, thinks up something else.

I see...

Geb the writer: You rather I give you a B.U.M.P.! instead?

Oh Dear Lord, no! RUN HEROES, RUN! Keep doing stuff! I don't want to see B.U.M.P.'s!

We rejoin our heroes fleeing for their lives from the TROUBLESOME TRIO down a vacant city street... Suddenly TLTE stops. He motions everyone else and they all join him.

TLTE: Why are we bothering to run? There's fifteen of us, and only three of them. We outnumber them five to one. Why don't we just teach them a lesson and be on our way?

Sarn: I don't know.. You heard them. They've never been defeated. They're like.. Mike Tyson in his early years.

TLTE: Hmm, or perhaps they are more like russian chess players?

Sarn glares at TLTE.

Sem: You guys are weird. Besides, they said they've never been defeated, but why should we take their word for it? You know, they could be lying. I say let's face up against them.

Sarn: Well I suppose. But let's do this smart. I've a brilliant idea. We'll form up into Fireteams and-

A second passes. Sarn stares blankly ahead as though lost in thought.

Sarn: I'm sorry, what was I saying?

Sem: Something about.. Fireteams, sir?

Sarn: Fireteams, huh. That sounds cool. What's that? And why do you always call me "sir"? We're friends. Call me Sarn.

Sem: Uhh, right.. Ok, Sarn.

Sarn: Anyway, what's this about Fireteams?

Sem: Oh, nevermind. Let's just go kick some ***.

TLTE: We might not need to go anywhere. There they are down the road. They've nearly caught up to us.

Sarn: Ok then, let's do this!

Our heroes begin preparing themselves for battle. The unnamed Denny's patrons assume a battle stance. Sarn hefts a broken tree branch found conveniently nearby. CoolMatty closes his eyes briefly and pops his knuckles, mumbling to himself as he prepares a few nasty spells for the TRIO. TLTE draws from under his cloak a matching set of silver Desert Eagle handguns. The rest of the heroes similarily prepare themselves for battle. Voodoo pulls from some inner pouch a cellophane-wrapped deli sandwich. Sarn looks over at her, startled.

Voodoo: What? They're only $4.99 at the Convienence Store of the Damned.

Sarn: So uhh, what are you going to do with it?

Voodoo: Eat it. I can't do battle on an empty stomache.

Voodoo unwraps the sandwich and takes a bite. Sarn shrugs and turns back to the approaching TROUBLESOME TRIO...
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.
2006-12-11, 11:05 PM #55
As the trio approach, TLTE gently pushes Amal behind him.

Amal: What are you doing, TLTE?

TLTE: Er...these people who are coming are not nice people.

Amal: Are they tired? Uncle used to get mean when he hadn't slept much.

TLTE: Yes. Yes, these people are tired. Very tired.

Amal: So what are we going to do to help them?

Cool Matty, standing close to them, snorts a laugh.

CM: We're going to put them to sleep, kid. For a good long while.


Sem: We all know the drill here - defeat bad guys, save the cute child!

Voodoo: Here they come!

TLTE pats Amal on the head reassuringly.

TLTE: Stay behind me, little one. As long as you're behind me, you won't be hurt.

Amal: What about this one, TLTE? He looks really tired!

TLTE spins, startled -

- and his worst nightmare stands behind him.

Figure: I found you at last, you commie scum!

All of TLTE's breath shoots from his mouth in a trembling hiss. He stumbles backwards, pulling Amal with him, his eyes bulging widely in fear. The remaining heroes turn around and regard the object of TLTE's terror...

A man stands ten feet behind them, clad in a suit of red, white and blue. From a distance, squinting, one would mistake him for the classic 'Uncle Sam' of American legend, right down to the large hat - but this man's face is younger, leaner and tougher, with haughtily etched features that are as sharp as they are foreboding. His teeth, pearly-white, expose themselves in an angry sneer. The eyes, a cold blue, focus only on TLTE, who is nearly cowering. His shoulders are as wide as a star quarterback's, leading arms that are as muscular as an Olympic weightlifter's. He points accusingly at the Russian spymaster.

Figure: All these years I've been tryin' to lasso your bolshevik ***, you managed to hide. You crawled under every rock, hid in every crevice, and I chased you. And tracked you down.

Voodoo: Excuse me, but we're about to battle here. Who the hell are you?!

TLTE: H-he's the...the P-P-P-

Figure: I'm The Patriot, buttercup. The guardian of truth, justice and the American way since the Cold War, which, incidentally, is when I met this Ruski and all his clone companions. And now that they're all dead - I'm here to finish the job!

TLTE: Oh, borscht.


Lying on the ground, shocked and half-crazed in terror, TLTE remembers...


The interior of a Russian bunker. Inside a top-security control room, klaxons are blaring. Colonel Romanov, his features grim and bathed in strobing red light, barks orders into a mircophone.

Romanov: Lock down the security grid! Give me an update on the perimeter guard! Someone top up my double vodka with another vodka!

Sweating and haggard with fear, a guard rushes up to deliver a status report.

Guard: The perimeter guard has been breached, sir.

Romanov: Breached?

Guard: Or, more to the point, disintegrated.

Romanov: By Stalin's many clone troops are left?

The guard consults a security panel, just as several nearby explosions rock the complex.

Guard: We're down to the last twenty.

Romanov: That'll never be enough to stop him!

Another explosion. Several people scream in Russian; this is quickly drowned out by the rapid burst of an automatic weapon.

Romanov: We must evacuate! ALL TROOPS, PREPARE TO -

A final explosion goes off, so close that it knocks Romanov and everyone else in the control room flat. Dimly, Romanov realises that the blast has removed one of the walls, and he stands up defiantly, revolver drawn. A figure starts moving through the smoke...

Romanov: Stand down, capitalist scum! I swear to God, one step further and I'll shoot a socialist conscience into you!

The figure moves into clear view. It is The Last True Evil - but his trenchcoat is shredded, his face pale and his eyes unfocused.

TLTE: For...our glorious leader...

He falls down, stone dead. At that moment, ANOTHER TLTE limps forward, bloodied and injured, this one carrying a star-spangled figure on his back.

TLTE: It has been...done, Colonel Romanov. The Patriot has...been defeated....I regret that due to blood loss...I will be forced to debrief on the floor...

He topples over, throwing the massive frame of the Patriot onto a control panel nearby. Compared to his Russian captor, who looks moments from death, the Patriot looks only mildly wounded - more asleep than unconscious.

Romanov: Number 105? What happened to the others?

TLTE: I regret to inform you....that they are all dead. All...of the military TLTE clones save myself...have perished in glorious battle with the Yankee devil.

Romanov and the other occupants of the control room gape in horror.

Romanov: Number 105, how is this possible? The weapons...the went into battle with some 200 elite clone brothers, and only you remain?

TLTE coughs up a little blood, apologises inwardly to Lenin for displaying weakness in front of his superiors, and continues.

TLTE: 'The Patriot', as he insists on...calling himself...has been upgraded synthetically. Biotechnology...nanotechnology...he is still human, but only barely.

Romanov: My God...did you manage to protect the statue of Yuri Gagarin in the outer compound?

TLTE: I tried, Colonel...but when the Patriot shot me at close range with an elephant body betrayed me by flying backwards into a wall.

He hangs his head in shame. Romanov tut-tuts him.

Romanov: How very Western of you. Well, at least you have killed this American once and for all...

TLTE: unfortunately...untrue.

Romanov: He isn't dead?

TLTE: No. He had a magnetic...force field. Couldn't get a bullet in. We had to...drop a building on him...just to incapacitate him!

Romanov: Then I shall finish the job for you!

He stalks up to the unmoving Patriot, aims the cocked revolver at his temple...then hesitates.

Romanov: No, wait. This is a blessing in disguise. The Yankees have spent billions of dollars on this super-soldier's organic chemistry - to kill him now would waste our opportunity to steal all the technology for the next brand of clones!

TLTE: No....

Romanov: Men! Place this creature into stasis!


Romanov: Contact the Kremlin! Get me that triple vodka!

He walks away, leaving a devastated TLTE to ponder the future of his greatest foe...
The Last True Evil - consistent nobody in the Discussion Forum since 1998
2006-12-16, 5:52 PM #56
Scene-swipe back to Qhobeg, Gebohq, The Otter, Subaru, Ricky and someone who appears to be an older Antestarr...

Ante(?): *to Geb, fearful* What do you want?

Geb: Well, I'd really like--

Qhobeg: Why'd you go dissapearing before? And why do you look like hell now?

Ante(?): I...don't understand. This isn't the villainy I know.

Otter: Wait a minute... Antestarr? Are you still interested in saving Young?

Ante(?): Young? Who's that?

Otter: Just as I thought. This is not our Antestarr.

The person who appears to be an older Antestarr suddenly looks around, as if perceiving a new environment.

Ante(?): This is not my beautiful house. *looks at Subaru* This is not my beautiful wife... I think I understand now too.

Subaru shifts uncomfortably.

Qhobeg: Well I don't! What's going on?

Otter: You know how Geb's evil counterpart came from this thread we're in?

Qhobeg: Yeah?

Otter: This is Antestarr's equivilant.

Qhobeg: Oh.

S. Ante: And y'all are the most beautiful delusions I've had yet! An existance where the NeS continued as it should have... heh! What an imagination I have! Come, sit down with Russell on the couch, and we'll figure out how to help you.

Shattered Antestarr gestures to the couch, where no one is sitting, least of all something that could be referred to as Russell.

S. Ante: *to the couch* Hmm? Oh. *to Subaru* Russell's a bit shy to ask himself, but he'd be delighted if you sat next to him, miss...?

Subaru looks at the others uncomfortably, and they in turn return empathetic uncertainty.

S. Ante: Ah -- where are my manners? It's been too long since I've had guests, even if they're of the delusional kind. I'll be back with drinks and an inventory list of things that might interest you.

With that said, Shattered Antestarr heads offto some unseen part of the virtual log cabin house that they're occupying. Gebohq, with little care for anyone, plops down on a chair adjacent to the couch. The others follow his lead with hesitancy, Subaru leaving a space for where she supposes Russell might be sitting.

Subaru: I wonder if Russell looks sexy in his head.

The others look at her dumbfounded.

Subaru: ...What?


Meanwhile (NeS count: 12, 11 elsewheres piping, 10 suddenlys leaping...), back at Evil Geb's Palace of Power...

*camera zip-pans over Evil Geb's Palace of Power, which is decked out in white Christmas lights*

...Evil Geb is preparing the last of his arrangements for his big wedding, when one of his servants enters the scene. The servant's legs are trembling, his teeth chattering... he's also cold because Evil Geb hasn't turned the heat on in his palace.

servant: Uh...sir?

Evil Geb: I'm not turning on the heat! You know how expensive heating an entire palace gets? And I don't want to hear any "money isn't any concern with unlimited power available" comments!

servant: That's not why I'm here, sir.

Evil Geb: Then what is it?

servant: Well, sir... it seems nobody's coming to your wedding--pleasedon'tkillme!

The servant shields himself with his arms in reflex. Despite appearances, his arms would be his best defense, as they were magically enchanted to shield himself from virtually any attack. Unfortunately, the servant doesn't know this, and realizing the normally unreasonable act of holding his arms up in defense against someone like Evil Geb, forced himself to hold his arms at his side. If he were to die, he figured, he would die with dignity.

As it happens, it was a moot point, as Evil Geb did not immediately strike his servant down dead on the spot.

Evil Geb: And why's that? Well? Spit it out!

servant: W...well, it seems that too many other people have plans for that day, sir.

Evil Geb: Ugh...figures. I hate this stupid holiday. I was hoping to replace it with my wedding anniversary. Oh well, move it to the next day.

servant: Sir? I...I don't think that'll be enough time, if I may be so bold.

The servant flinches, but Evil Geb smiles, and hangs his arm around his servant's shoulders as if they were old buddies.

Evil Geb: You know, Armando, you're right. You figure out a good date, within the hour, and make sure everyone's in on the change of plans. Try not to reschedule it too much later, mmk?

servant/Armando: Yes sir!

Armando the servant runs out before Evil Geb could change his mind. Young, whom conviniently had been standing outside the field of attention (but had witnessed the scene), walked up to Evil Geb.

Young: That was un-villain-like of you.

Evil Geb: He's not getting a bonus this year.

Young: Ouch...
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2006-12-28, 5:32 AM #57
*Meanwhile, in the parallel fish universe the remaining members of the Canadian strike team have holed up in the second floor of an abandoned factory.*

Thawbroke: "Do you know why we're here?"

*Agent Murdertongue looks up from administering medical aid to one of the wounded soldiers.*

Murdertongue: "That's it, we're out of bandages."

*Agent Murdertongue drops the empty medical bag to the floor.*

Murdertongue: "We're here because of a catastrophic failure with the teleport."

Thawbroke: "No, we're here because of Semievil. We only got sent out because he abandoned his mission. We woulnd't be trapped here if it wasn't for him."

Murdertongue: "In all fairness, Semievil didn't break the teleport. You may as well get angry with the whiz-kid engineers. Or for that matter, Gebohq and The Last True Evil - Sem was supposed to spy on them."

*Agent Thawbroke unsheaths his Canadian-issue combat knife and examines the razor-sharp blade.*

Thawbroke: "Yeah, well I think I might have some left over for them when I finish with Semievil."

Murdertongue: "Alright, just keep it together."

*Furious, Agent Thawbroke explodes.*

Thawbroke: "Keep it together? Well, let's see: the portal drops us off in nineteenth-century London except they have fish where they should have people and before we know what's happening we're being hunted down in the streets by a giant talking dolphin! That wouldn't be a problem except that our guns shoot delicious goldfish snacks instead of bullets, so all we can do is run away!"

*Thawbroke jams his knife back in the sheath.*

Thawbroke: "But that doesn't really matter because even if people were people and bullets were bullets there would still be no way out of this screwed-up alternate parallel dimension!"

Murdertongue: "I know! Calm down! I know! We'll figure something out."

*Thawbroke controls his temper.*

Thawbroke: "Okay."

Murdertongue: "We need to get some medical supplies and treat our wounded. After that, I don't know, but one thing at a time."

Thawbroke: "That isn't going to be easy. Our thick Canadian accents are a dead giveaway. And we don't really look like fish."

Sno-Cone: "On the plus side, we've got hundreds of rounds of crackers."



Sarn: "Ensign, the Lieutenant appears to be incapacitated with terror - I'll be needing a new volunteer to fling himself in front of me when the phasers start zapping."

Semievil: "Aye aye, Captain Space-Commander, sir!"

Sarn: "I'm not joking, Ensign. Something tells me that this could get..."

*Captain Sarn's eyes narrow.*

Sarn: "...troublesome."

*We wait a beat.*

Sarn: "And that something is a feeling. And the feeling is in my gut."

*The camera moves in for a close up shot of the heroic space captain.*

Sarn: "And it's a gut feeling."

*Just as Sarn Cadrill's inspiring speech concludes, the Troublesome Trio leaps into attacking range. *

Fred: "Red Fred makes the dread!"

Ned: "I am Ned! Fear my dread!"

Ted: "The dread is what will make you dead! Ahahahahaha!"

*Ted and his other two-thirds break into grating laughter.*

Cool Matty: "This is going to get really annoying."

Sarn: "Really TROUBLESOME-annoying."

Cool Matty: "What? Hey -"

*Caught off guard, CM goes down under a flurry of blows from Fred and his illusory doubles. Ted menacingly moves in on Sarn who bravely stands his ground like the deluded spaceman he sometimes is.*

Ted: "Dread Ted attack!"

Sarn: "That doesn't scare me."

Semievil: "Sarn, look out!"

*Sem launches a techological-magical lightening bolt at Ted, scorching the bad guy and knocking him away from Sarn.*

Sarn: "Good call, Lieutenant. Now position yourself between me and that bad man pointing a gun at me."

Semievil: "Get down!"

*Sem dives over to Sarn, knocking him out of Ned's line of fire just as the bullets begin to fly.*

Sarn: "Another close shave! Good for me!"

Semievil: "Look, they're doing something!"

*Sem points, and indeed, something is happening: Ned and Ted fall back a short distance, and Fred (after being violently pulled off of CM by Sugarless and Losien) rushes to join them.*

Sarn: "Ha! Looks like the Troublesome Trio is troublesome-retreating!"

*Dusting off his imaginary uniform, Sarn stands up and address one of the random Denny's patrons.*

Sarn: "You there, soldier. Prepare to execute victory celebration Sarn-Bravo-Five. Aaaaand...engage!"

*Sarn makes the world reknowned Captain Picard 'engage' gesture, but all eyes are on the Troublesome Trio, each member of which has his fist raised in the air. A red beam of light shoots from Fred's arm.*

Fred: "The Troublesome Trio fights a battle..."

*A green beam shoots from Ted's fist, connecting with Fred's beam.*

Ted: "...and our foes are more than double..."

*A purple beam shoots from Ned's fist and intersects with the two other beams.*

Ned: "...but while our enemies dawdle and prattle..."

Sugarless: "Good grief."

Troublesome Trio: "...Trio powers combine to make more trouble!"

*A white beam shoots out from the point where the coloured beams cross. Missing Sarn by mere inches, it singes his shirt and completely vapourizes the random Denny's patron.*

Sarn: "So that's how it's going to play from now on? Very well."

*Sarn begins shouting into the non-existent comm. badge not pinned to his shirt.*

Sarn: "Attention spaceship: commence orbital bombardment!"

*Fed up, Semievil grabs Sarn by his shirt lapels.*

Semievil: "Will you get it together?!"

Sarn: "Stand down, ensign. I have high friends in powerful places - one word from me and your career is over!"

Semievil: "It's time to fight! Let's go, snap out of it!"

Sarn: "I think you're forgetting who the captain is."

*A second magical laser barely misses the heroes, obliterating a nearby section of desert terrain.*

Sarn: "The captain is me."

Semievil: "You were mostly normal back at the restaurant. Why did you have to kook out now?"

Sarn: "Excuse me, ensign? I'm Sran Capdill. I defeated the giant freaking sand monsters. I think I can handle the silly squad and their light show."

Semievil: "It's 'Troublesome Trio'.

Sarn: "Don't test my patience."
2007-01-02, 3:06 PM #58
In Shattered Antestarr's log cabin, our depressed hero Gebohq, his clone Qhobeg, British oddball the Otter, martial artist chick Subaru, and the self-proclaimed personification of the NeS, Ricky, all sit around on sofas and easy chairs, all looking vaguely uncomfortable, except for Gebohq, who is reciting depressing poetry to himself, and the Otter, who is sitting next to Subaru and giving her "the eyebrow". Actually, this could be a large component of Subaru's uncomfortableness.

Anyway, Shattered Antestarr emerges from the other room, holding a tea kettle and teacup on a tray. He looks at the others in a surprised manner.

S. Ante: Uh... hello. Who are you lot and what are you doing in my cabin?

Qhobeg: Um... you invited us in.

S. Ante: Did I? You'd think I would remember something like that. Russell, do you remember me doing that?

There is silence. Everyone looks at the empty space on the couch to Subaru's left.

S. Ante: Oh, I see. Russell says you're all hallucinations, and that I may be going insane. That explains it! Welcome to my home! Or did I say that already?

Qhobeg: Yeah, so anyway, you wouldn't happen to have seen a kidnapped woman recently, would you? Some shadowy figure probably has her hoisted over his shoulder in classical kidnapping fashion. Also, she has big white wings.

S. Ante: Can't say as I have. Tea?

Subaru: Have you seen any white feathers lying around?

S. Ante: White feathers? Oh, yes, there's a whole trail of them outside in the snow. Some woman with white wings was dropping them while being kidnapped.

Qhobeg: You just said you didn't see anyone like that!

There is a brief pause.

S. Ante: No I didn't.

Otter: Oh bloody hell, the man's daft as a poodle on pot! Let's be going, shall we?

Subaru: But what if he knows something about Ariana?

Ricky: I say we forget about this chick and go find this other Gebohq and kill them. I mean him! Just kill him, not our Geb, here! Goodness, no!

Gebohq: Oh, why don't you go ahead, life isn't worth living anymore anyway...

S. Ante: In fact, I kept one of the feathers. I was going to make a pillow. See?

Shattered Antestarr produces a white feather from somewhere. Everyone stares.

Qhobeg: Allright then, show us where you found it!

S. Ante: You mean you don't want tea?

Otter: Actually, I could go for a spot of--

Qhobeg: No, we must be going. Show us.

S. Ante: Fine. Bloody hallucinations. Russell, go show them where you found the feathers.

Everyone sits uncomfortably. Ante's gaze goes from the couch to the door, as if following an invisible person who just got up from the couch and went to the door.

S. Ante: Well? I thought you wanted to get those blasted feathers!

Subaru: Um... we can't see Russell, Ante.

S. Ante: What are you talking about? You can see me, can't you? Or is it because you're my hallucinations, that you can only see me? Interesting.

Qhobeg: Dude, just show us yourself.

S. Ante: Fine! I will!

Shattered Antestarr walks to the door and points outside at the ground. There, in the snow, is a trail of feathers going right by the log cabin's front door.

Otter: Should have thought we'd have seen that...

The trail is found once more! Will our heroes ever find this Ariana chick? And if so, will they find her in time to go and stop Gebohq's and Young's wedding? Find out next time, or possibly the time after that, on the Never-ending Story, your source for madcap humour and non-sequiters! Platypus!

[Check it out, a picture of the characters involved in this post!]
Attachment: 14911/NeSpost Characters 1.jpg (40,551 bytes)
So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!
2007-01-14, 12:51 AM #59
S. Ante: Crazy kids. Can't even see white feathers in a windy snow-bound land...

Qhobeg: Well, uh, thanks. Guess we better be off--

S. Ante: Wait! I almost forgot. Hold your horses, I'll be back in a jiffy.

Shattered Antestarr leaves. Several moments pass. Then several more. An hour... the group silently agrees to leave when Shattered Antestarr returns.

Qhobeg: There you are! So what did you forget?

S. Ante: Forget what?

Otter: Let's just leave!

S. Ante: Wait just a minute, there. Y'all will want some stuff before headin' out.

Qhobeg: We really don't have time for--

Shattered Antestarr straps a Pound Puppy plushie on Qhobeg's head. He begins outfitting the others with similar attire.

S. Ante: You'll want to wear these. Seems some punks keep wanting to "liberate" my pink lawn flamingos, and I don't want them causing you trouble. These will keep you safe.

Ohobeg: Right...

S. Ante: And a pink one for you, miss.

Subaru adjusts the plushie that Shattered Antestarr places on her head. He then places a similar feminine plushie on Ricky's head.

Qhobeg: Uh, he's a guy.

S. Ante: Don't lie to me, son. I haven't gone and lost my marbles!

Ricky: <.<;

Qhobeg: Sorry, uh, sir. Thanks. We'll be--

S. Ante: You sure y'all don't want to stay a bit longer?

Qhobeg:, we really can't. We have to be going.

S. Ante: Well, take this.

Shattered Antestarr hands Qhobeg something that looks like a communicator, with one big button and several long antennae sticking out of it.

S. Ante: You give me a call if you need anything, you hear?

Qhobeg: Uh, yeah, sure. Thanks. Goodbye then!

S. Ante: Goodbye!

Qhobeg, Gebohq, the Otter, Ricky and Subaru leave quickly, continuing on the trail.

Time passes.

The trail leads the band to yet another cave. There is a sign posted at the entrance that reads "Cave of Abomination."

Qhobeg: That was quick. Thank the writers for skipping over the boring stuff.

Subaru: You're saying this isn't boring now?

Otter: Can't say the sign is very uplifting. Who goes posting these sort of things anyway?

Qhobeg: Who cares? We got Geb here -- we'll be fine.

Subaru: Right, because he's been the epitome of uplifting as of late. Speaking of, he's been a bit quiet. Did his voice give out from all the whining or something?

Gebohq: mrharm....

Qhobeg: What?

Gebohq: [insert emo dialogue here]

Ricky: [question about Gebohq]

Otter: [distressed observation that Geb's emo-ness and role as "main character" is effecting everything around him, including others]

They stop in the cave or something. Why bother describing more? Nobody's reading.

Qhobeg: [says something to Subaru]

Subaru: [yells back at Qhobeg]

Qhobeg looks at Geb, does something....

...and Gebohq falls unconscious on the cave floor.

Qhobeg: Well, that seemed to solve the problem.

Otter: No it didn't! Now we have to carry him? I'm not going to do it!

Subaru: Neither am I, at least not now.

Qhobeg: Fine, we'll stop here for now.

Subaru: Well I'm going to head to the little ladies' room.

Qhobeg: In case you hadn't noticed, this is a cave. There aren't any...bathrooms...

Qhobeg watches as Subaru walks to a very-out-of-place set of doors in the wall, one marked "Men" and the other marked "Women."

Qhobeg: Ugh, this whole episode couldn't get any more troublesome...

Just then, the communicator Qhobeg received from Shattered Antestarr rings. He answers it.

Qhobeg: Hello?

S. Ante: (over the communicator) Hi! I was just wondering if you all were doing alright...

Qhobeg: *to himself* For crying out loud, he's like a mother!

Meanwhile, in Geb's unconscious state, Gebohq sits up...

Geb: Wh...where am I?

Weren't you listening? Your unconsciousness! See the ill-defined setting you're in right now?

Geb: Ah, got it. But I'm unconscious -- should I really be so aware? So...conscious?

This is going to be one of those "you'll forget everything when you wake up" moments.

Geb: But--

Hey! Do you see me questioning why you're not being emo right now? That's right -- no more questions!

Geb: ...ok? I mean, ok. Yes. So time to dream up some beautiful women!

No dice. Sorry, Geb.

Geb: Then what am I-- Maybe?

Maybe: Hey there. Let's go fight some bad guys!

Geb: OK...

Maybechild is ready to lead Geb by the hand when The Last True Evil appears in front of them. Maybechild holds close to Gebohq's side.

Maybe: A bad guy!

Gebohq draws his blade -- the relative-mock version of the NeSword before the events of page 50 -- towards The Last True Evil.

TLTE: Don't do this, Geb. I am not your enemy.

Maybe: He's lying! He's the greatest villain of NeS! Stop him before he hurts us!

TLTE: You have to stop Arkng Thand! And your Shattered self! The forces of Hell! The Forgotten Characters! War! Death! Taxes! Your friends! The one... you love.

The Last True Evil strikes a particularly dark look at Maybechild.

Geb: No... this can't be right. That's not how things are supposed to be in NeS...

Maybe: Do what you know is good! Stop the bad guy, get your girl, have a laugh!

TLTE: Do what you know is right. Confront the real problems, don't fall for the easy, love that which isn't light.

Geb: But...

Maybe: Do something!

TLTE: Do something!

Geb: No! No no no no no NO!

Gebohq attempts to run away, but is slowed down by an invsible force. Or by Maybechild, close by his side. The Last True Evil also appears in front of Gebohq, no matter which direction Gebohq turns to try to run away.


He struggles free of the restraining force, only to fall into a puddle of mud. When he looks up, he sees...

What? The cliffhanger's here? OK, then. Keep hitting that refresh button every five seconds for the next installment of NeS goodness!
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2007-01-23, 7:38 PM #60
As a minimum wage worker who has spent hour after hour perhaps year after year leaning against a counter in a state of boredom, Voodoo has had time to daydream about how the things in a kitchen can be used for different scenarios including zombie attacks or extremely hostile customers or coworkers. And only being allowed to respond to irate customer's abuse with "I'm sorry you have had a negative shopping experience, would you like a number for our head office or a customer feedback card?" instead what she would like to say (" look you prick! I don't know how to get you any fresher meat short of dragging a cow in here shooting it in the head once you have made your order for a beef sandwich!) has bottled up some anger. She can usually hide that anger behind a shell of boredom and apathy, but if she really does care about something, or annoy her anger will show. This trio (and the Christmas music) has annoyed her enough already and it has been a long time since she really did care what happened to her and what happened to someone she cares about.

Voodoo: Wait!

Voodoo runs back into the Denny's

Ted: Look at her scurry!

Fred: She better hurry!

Ned: Remember they have no chance, why worry?

Trio: Indeed our opponents are not worthy!

Cool Matty: Even when they are not throwing laser beams and vaporizing random patrons, they are annoying.

Voodoo rummages through the kitchen she finds a apron quickly ties it on and puts a nice selection of knifes in its pocket. Turning it into a little shield, she ties on a small skillet onto her arm. Rolling pin, Check. Garbage Bags, Check. Can opener, Check...

Out side the Denny's the Trio our heros and other parties included in battle continue to wait.

Sarn: *Blink*

Ted: *cough*

Voodoo checks the cooler.

Voodoo: Breakfast sausage links, not salami but this will do, Oh YES! she giggles to herself as she rummages through the fridge "I've always wanted to go egging."

She looks up and notices the first aid kit and fire extinguisher.

Voodoo: Never know when you might need them.

She tosses the first aid supplies and extinguisher into a garbage bag and returns to the waiting fray.

Trio: Oh look who is back!

Voodoo lobs an egg at the Troublesome Trio and yells like a school girl trying to stand up to the bully at recess.

2007-01-26, 4:48 AM #61
Patriot: Come now, Last True Evil, stand and fight me like a man!

TLTE: I would, you see, but uh...

Conviniently, The Patriot is accidentially attacked by the Troublesome Trio.

Patriot: What the--

TLTE: Yes! Again, my minions! Strike him down! Deal with the others later.

other heroes: Huh?

Troublesome Trio: Is he talking to us?

Patriot: You won't get away with this, evil-doers!

The Patriot spins around and leaps into the air, diving down upon the Troublesome Trio. He lifts one, hurls him at the other two, and before they can regain footing, shoots them with a revolver. The heroes watch in awe as the fight suddenly comes to an awkward stop. The Patriot turns back around, to find The Last True Evil gone.

Patriot: Damn!

Losien: Thank you for helping us, sir.

Patriot: Well of course, miss. Now did any of you happen to see where that Russian ran off to?

Sugarless: Pretty sure he headed for the train station about a mile that way.

Patriot: Thank you. I must go now -- stay safe!

With that, the Patriot sprints towards the direction Sugarless pointed. The other heroes start to glare at her.

Sugarless: ...what?

Mimiru: That man -- The Patriot -- wants to kill him! That's a bad thing!

Sugarless: Oops?

Mimiru: Come on -- we're going after him, and you're coming with me!

Sugarless: What?

Mimiru: You caused the problem, and you're gonna help solve it!

Sugarless: Oh... *whine* How I wish...

*cue music*

Sugarless: o/` Oh how I wish I was back home,
Where I could be free to roam
But I'm lost and alone,
Having apparently been sewn,
tied to this threaded TAP-ES-TRY OF--o/`

CoolMatty: Hey, you really don't have time for a song right now. Nice voice, though.

Sugarless: Thanks?

CoolMatty: Now get going!

Sugarless: *whine*

Mimiru: You're coming too, mister!

CoolMatty: *whine*

Mimiru, Sugarless, and CoolMatty begin to pursue The Patriot, who is pursuing The Last True Evil. Losien begins to follow them, when Maybechild holds her back.

Maybe: Not us, hun. We're heading back to the Palace of Power.

Losien: But he'll need us!

Maybe: No! We've been over this before.

Losien: Oh-kay...

Voodoo: Sarn, I think maybe we should follow these two, as I'm not so sure about that Patriot guy...

Sarn: You say that as if you've never heard of The Patriot.

Voodoo: Should I have?

Sarn: Have you been living under a rock your whole life?

Voodoo: The only life I've been aware of until I met you has been inside the convinience store of the damned.

Sarn: Oh... but still! The Patriot's only one of the most famous American heroes. He's what Geb and I and everyone at heroes college dreamed of becoming! But it'll make you feel better, I'll miss being in the presence of quite possibly the greatest hero ever -- next to yours truely, of course -- and stick with you and the others here.

Voodoo: Thanks.

Semievil: So anyway -- we'll go stop the wedding then, and because this is the NeS--

Maybe: NeShattered.

Semievil: --whatever, we'll probably bump into TLTE and the others when we get there.

Maybe: ...right. Just try not to cause any trouble, ok? Sem?

Semievil: *in the middle of casting something* What?

Maybe: What are you doing?

Semievil: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm altering the elements of reality to teleport us to Evil Geb's place.

Semievil strikes his staff onto the ground. Suddenly, the earth shakes violently, as if the ground beneath them would crack open. Instead, after the dramatic rumbling, a circular bottomless pit opens up beneath Semievil, Maybechild, Losien, Voodoosnowflakes and Sarn Cadrill -- the effect similar to pulling a tag in a pop-up book.

Maybe: Sem?

Semievil: Yes?

Maybe: Fuq.

Semievil: Hey! That's my line--

The four of them fall into the virtually-bottomless pit.


Amal: Why did you run away like a sissy coward, sir? And why are we sitting in this train?

TLTE: We didn't run away! We, uh, advanced in the opposite direction. I am not a sissy coward... And we're sitting in a train because...trains are fun! And it's going to that shiny palace over there. See?

Amal: Oh look -- that tall man in red, white and blue is going to join us after all!

TLTE: Borscht! We're uh, going to play hide and seek with that man, ok?

Amal: Woo!

Not too far from the train, CoolMatty, Mimiru and Sugarless chase the Patriot, who is currently boarding the train.

Sugarless: Too...much...running...

CoolMatty: Oh, quit your whining! You've never tried chasing down Geb when he owes you fifty dollars!

Mimiru: The train's starting! We're going to have to jump.

Sugarless: WHAT?! Are you insane?

CoolMatty: Jumping on moving trains is standard affair here, Sugarless. You'll be fine.

Sugarless: I won't be fine if I miss!

CoolMatty: Hold my hand. Mimiru, grab her other hand.

Sugarless: Huh?

Mimiru/CoolMatty: And JUMP!

Sugarless: AAAAHHH!!!

CoolMatty, Mimiru, and Sugarless leap from the station platform onto the end of the train, which is now skyrocketing in speed. Sugarless almost falls off, but CoolMatty and Mimiru pull her to safety.

Sugarless: ohmygodohmygodohmygod...

CoolMatty: You're fine, see? Nothing to it.

Voice from down the train: Tickets please, tickets...

Mimiru: Crap, we don't have any tickets. What to do, what to--*urk*

CoolMatty: Uh...please stop strangling my fiancee, Sugarless.

Elsewhere, in some dark corner of the train...

TLTE: *whisper* We might be playing this game for a while, OK? *to himself* If years as a spy got me anything, it's not being found...

Light shines on The Last True Evil and Amal, with The Patriot's sillouette hanging over them.

Amal: He found us, he found us! What fun!

TLTE: I think I'm going to cry...

Oh snap! Will The Patriot and The Last True Evil have a showdown? Will CoolMatty, Mimiru and Sugarless be able to help The Last True Evil, or will they be thrown off the train? Will the other heroes make it out alive from the bottomless pit? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW!
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2007-01-28, 2:10 PM #62
Sugarless: [mumble]... frigginstupididea... [mumble]... jumpingontodamntrains... [mumble]... makingmeRUN!

CoolMatty: Sugarless!

Voice: Ticket- ma'am! Ma'am, I cannot let you manhandle passengers.

Mimiru - *glurk*

The train attendant pulls sugarless off Mimiru.

Attendant - Ma'am! I'm going to have to ask you t-

Sugarless - Where's the bathroom?

Attendant - *blink*

Sugarless - Nevermind, I'll find it myself.

Sugarless wanders aimlessly through the train. Suddenly the train lurches. Caught off guard, sugarless gets thrown into a random dark shady looking corner of the train, crashing into a looming figure.

Sugarless - Hands.

Voice - What?

Sugarless - Hand check. I feel a hand where it shouldn't be.

The figure blushes. At least, it seems like he did -- she couldn't really see in the dark.

Voice - Uh...sorry!

Sugarless - No permanent damage done. Hey! I know you! Aren't you the American or Mel Gibson or something like that?

Voice - The Patriot. It's the Patriot.

Sugarless - Right! I knew it was something like that. Well I hope you haven't found that TLTE guy yet, it turns out I can't actually let you kill him. Sorry 'bout that! Hey does anyone here know where the bathroom is?

The Patriot and TLTE blink at Sugarless.
Fincham: Where are you going?
Me: I have no idea
Fincham: I meant where are you sitting. This wasn't an existential question.
2007-01-30, 7:35 PM #63
Coolmatty: Mimiru, show the man the ticket.

Mimiru: What?

CM: It was your idea. Show him the ticket.

Mimiru: You know as well as I that we don't bloody have a...

CM: MIMIRU! For the last time, look at me. Show him the ticket.

Mimiru: Oooooh.

Mimiru goes into her super-seductive mode, and gets up close to the train attendent.

Mimiru: Well, see sir, I was just wanting to get on this train so I can make it in time to get to my family reunion. My grandfather is very sick, you see. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't there for him in... you know...

Attendent: His... last moments?

The attendent has locked eyes with Mimiru, and his heart is pumping like a racecar.

Mimiru: Oh yes. That would be terrible! And see, sir, in my rush to make it on the train in time, I seem to have left my ticket in my bags back at my house...

Attendent: Well ma'am, without a ticket, I can't...

Mimiru, not willing to give up easily, grabs his hand, and brings it close (KEYWORD: close) to her chest.

Mimiru: Tell me, you fine young man, do I look like the type of lady who would lie to you?

Attendent: No no! Of course not, I didn't mean...

Mimiru: Then you understand! Oh thank you so much!

Mimiru drops the man's hand and hugs him tightly.

Mimiru: I'll never forget this.

Attendent: No, no I say I won't either.

Mimiru and CoolMatty continue to board the train, heading in the direction where Suglarless ran off.

Mimiru: You owe me big time for that.

CM: Me?! Excuse me, but I just meant you should punch him in the stomach, or kick him in the nuts or something. I didn't mean for you to sell yourself to him!

Mimiru: Then why the hell didn't you say something?

CM: Well, it's not like I ever get to see a show like that...

Mimiru: I don't think you could handle it.

CM: What, you think I'm not man enough for you?

Mimiru: CM, you're not man enough for anyone. You're a mage with a short attention span, no muscles, and a knack for running away.

CM: Hey! You could have at least fibbed a little.

Mimiru: And I love you for that. So pack your ego up and lets go.

CM: *sigh* Okay...



Qhobeg: You know, she's been in there quite a while now...

Ricky: Maybe she fell in.

Qhobeg: We should probably see if everything's okay.

Otter: I agree!

The gang walks over to the women's bathroom door, and Qhobeg knocks.

Qhobeg: Subaru? Is everything okay in there? You've been in there a while!

Silence answers.

Ricky: Well that's no good.

Qhobeg: Indeed. Someone should go in and check on her. But none of us are...

Otter and Qhobeg look at Ricky.

Ricky: What are you looking at me for all of the sudden?! For the fifth time, I am not a girl! And I am NOT going in there.

Otter: Fine, I'll go in!

Otter, without even waiting for a response, bursts into the bathroom.

Otter: Don't worry my fine lady! I shall save you from the toilet paper monster!

Standing in front of Otter was a spick-and-span bathroom with all the amenities. Including a Subaru still pulling her pants on over her underwear.


Otter: Uh oh, bad thing!

Qhobeg and Ricky stand outside with their ears to the door, only to suddenly back away at the sounds of crashing and violence.

Subaru: I'm gonna kick your alcoholic *** right back to NeS^2!

Otter: No, please, not the hat! AHHHH!!! I'M SORRY, I WAS WORRIED!

Subaru: You were not! You could have sent Ricky in! You pervert!

Ricky: For the last time, I am not a damn woman!

Subaru: Then what the hell are you doing in here? GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!

Subaru grabs the closest sink, and rips it out by channeling power through her arms. She proceeds to chuck it at the fleeing men, only to have it hit the door and crash thru into Qhobeg.

Qhobeg: Hey! What the hell did I do?!

Subaru: I'm sure it was YOUR idea!

Qhobeg: I'm sorry! Now get this thing off of me, it's heavy!

Otter and Ricky attempt to lift the sink.

Otter: Uh... this is quite a bit heavier than... urk... I expected!

Ricky: We're not gonna be able to move this thing anywhere.

Subaru: Watch out you weaklings!

Subaru reaches down and attempts to lift it herself.

Subaru: Urk... that is heavy... how the hell did I lift this in the first place?

Qhobeg: Thats.... what I'm wondering.... egh. Hurry up, I think my intestines are collapsing.

Subaru: I did something different back there... how did I do that... hmm...

Qhobeg: Anytime today would be nice...

Subaru concentrates on what she did earlier. She grabs the sink with a grip of steel. Then, in an epiphany she remembers the surge of power. The power wraps through her arms again, and the sink comes right up and off of Qhobeg.

Otter: Well, I do say, you're a strong lady.

Subaru: Every day I learn something new about my power... I just wish I knew where it came from...

Qhobeg: Well that was all nice and everything, but if you don't mind, can you stop holding that over my head?

Subaru chucks the sink back in the bathroom, and then kneels down to heal Qhobeg.

Subaru: I'll tell you what though, I feel a lot better. Almost like I'm on a sugar high.

In record time, Subaru heals Qhobeg's wounds. Still feeling power coursing through her body, she begins to pace around.

Ricky: Everything alright? You look antsy.

Subaru: It's that power... it's not like it usually is. Usually I'd be incredibly drained by now... but I feel perky! Let's get moving!

Otter: Err, yes, okay my lady!

Qhobeg: So, with that "power" of yours, you gonna carry Gebohq now?

Subaru: Nice try, Qhobeg.

Qhobeg: Worth a shot.
2007-02-06, 2:53 AM #64
Further ahead in the speeding train, the Patriot and TLTE face off. It is horrifyingly tense.

Sugarless and Amal watch on, their (comparative) innocence blinding them to the tension. For them, the situation is merely awkward.

Finally, the Patriot draws back a mighty fist, and thrusts it towards TLTE's face -

- but at the last moment, TLTE interposes a rather impressive looking electronic device between his face and the Patriot's knuckles.

TLTE: Harm me, and you'll take us all out!

Patriot: What the hell is that?

TLTE: The trigger to eight tactical nuclear weapons I hold in my coat. This compartment, this train, the entire subway, and about 45% of the thread would be instantly vaporised, were your meaty paw to strike this device.

Amal: What's a nuclear weapon, TLTE?

Sweating quite visibly, the Russian spy looks down at his young charge, then levelly at his hulking American adversary.

TLTE: A bad thing, little one. A very bad thing.

Sugarless: Uh, let's not get hasty here...

TLTE: I'm sorry, who are you again?

Sugarless: Oh right. New NeSHero.

TLTE: Right. Sorry. They come and go. Well, New NeSHero, I'm not even sure
eight nukes will finish off the 'man' in front of us, for want of a better way to find out, though, eh comrade?

The cruel, pallid features of the Patriot corrode into a snarl.

Patriot: You'd risk the lives of this young child and woman? Two souls who could still be easily melted back into the God-fearing American dream?

TLTE: Without a doubt, tovarish. I'm a godless communist, remember?

Patriot: Rarr!

Suddenly, with a blur of movement, the device is in the Patriot's hand. TLTE blinks at his own empty hand. Amal laughs and claps heartily, whilst Sugarless buries her head in her hands.

Patriot: Ma'am. Little boy. Stand behind me, while I shield you from the blast that will eradicate this scum from the world.

He yanks them behind his star-spangled outfit.

Patriot: Farewell, Commie.

TLTE scrunches his eyes shut. The Patriot's thumb smashes down on the controller...


With a strange sound effect, and a bright blue flash, The Patriot is gone. TLTE, exhausted, falls to the floor.

Sugarless: We're not dead?


Sugarless: You're not dead, either?

TLTE: If my throbbing, fear-induced migraine is anything to go by, then no. I am still, wretchedly, alive.

Amal: Did you trick the bad man, TLTE?

TLTE ruffles the young boy's head and smiles wearily.

TLTE: Da. Even I am not foolish enough to carry around more than 3 nuclear devices at a time. The remote was actually a one-shot plot hole generator, created in case I ever found myself at the bottom of the ocean or such. Luckily, my quick cunning and the Patriot's disdain for nuclear arms proliferation met, married, had torrid, steamy sex, and gave birth to my temporary escape.

Sugarless: Temporary, huh?

TLTE: Yes, my new friend. I'm just an old husky dog with a few tricks. I can't win against American biotechnology, and I can only outsmart my foe for so long.

At that point, CM, Mimiru and Subaru walk in.

CM: Typical! TLTE's lounging on the floor, no use to anybody...

TLTE shrugs his shoulders helplessly and stares out the window.
The Last True Evil - consistent nobody in the Discussion Forum since 1998
2007-02-07, 8:24 PM #65
*Falling. Falling. Falling. And falling some more. Falling. Descending Rapidly. Falling.

Sem: I'm hungry.

Semievil, along with Losien, Maybechild, Voodoo Snowflakes, and Sarn Cadrill, are falling down a bottomless pit. They've been falling down this same pit for several hours now. It's getting quite boring.

Sarn: Y'know, this is getting quite boring.

Sem: Quite.

Voodoo: Actually, this is only like a level three on the 'how-boring-is-it' scale. Believe me I know.

Sarn: Right. Convenience store employee. Touche.

Maybechild: If this is level three, then what is level ten like?

Voodoo: Oh, level ten is nothing. It's level eighty-three you have to worry about.

There is an awkward silence as the fallers digest the unpleasant concept of a level eighty-three of boredom. Losien opens her mouth as if to ask a question, but then closes it. There is more silence. Also more falling.

Sem: Y'know, I once met this mutant koala bear who--

Just then, the falling stops! With a crunch of relief, the group impacts onto a cold stone floor.

Sarn: Ow my spleen!

Sarn: Well, at least this isn't boring...

Losien: Where are we?

Maybechild: This... this appears to be a dungeon cell.

Shattered Geb: Muahahaha! That's right, Maybechild! You've all fallen into my exceedingly clever and villainous trap! You see, I knew that sooner or later you would try to teleport straight here, so I--

Sem: Yeah yeah, here's the thing: Do you have a bathroom in this place? I had three cans of coke before we fell into that bottomless pit, and six on the way down, and now I really have to go...

Look out! It's a trap! ...oh darn, I should have said that earlier. Whoops. Sorry. Well, stay tuned to see how they get out of this one! If they get out of this one! Well, actually, they probably will. But at what price? If you don't keep reading, dear reader, you may never know! (Also, a little help with the writing would be good too. The Never-ending Story Shattered! The only place in the world where you come to be entertained, and we chain you to a chair and put you to work! Bwahaha!)
So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!
2007-02-13, 9:28 AM #66
Shattered Geb: No! There's no bathroom!

Sem: Well, OK. I suppose I'll just have to use a corner...

Maybe: For Pete's sake, Sem, not in public! Hold it in!

Voodoo: Shouldn't we be attacking him? *points to S. Geb*

Sarn: That's right -- get him!

Everybody gangs up on Shattered/Evil Geb, but apparently go right through him.

Sem: Damn, I knew he was good at evading, but it's like he's a ghost!

S. Geb: Or a hologram, dumb-***. See the projector? Do you think I'd put MYSELF at the bottom of a pit? I thought you were supposed to be all tech-saavy, Sem.

Sem: ...

Semievil turns and cries in a corner.

S. Geb: Now, as I was saying... BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now i will torment you all in this inescapable pit until--HEY! STOP THAT!

Losien, having followed the wire connected to the projector, pushes a facade wall away, revealing a hallway. The heroes begin filing through it.

S. Geb: NO! Don't go that way! Bad heroes! I'll give you candy if you stay!

Sarn Cadrill stops momentarily, apparently considering the proposal, when Voodoo drags him with the others into the hallway.

Sarn: Awww, but...but... candy!

Voodoo: There's candy down the hallway, honey.

Semievil: There's no candy down the--OOMF!

Semievil cradles his side that Voodoo happens to be standing adjacent to.

Maybe: Once we find an exit, we'll have to assess where we are relative to Evil Geb's palace, and then--

Voodoo: Hey, why are you helping us? I thought you were working for him, since you and her *points to Losien* were working for Greenpeace.

Maybe: Uh....erm...

Sem: Hey look! A bathroom!

Semievil dashes into the bathroom. The group waits...

*cue over-used "peeing for a really really long time" comedy bit*

Semievil returns.

Sem: OK, I'm good. Back to our adventure that never involves sleeping, eating, or pit-stops?

Maybe: Please! Seems like that's all we've been doing...

The heroes turn a corner in the hallway and SUDDENLY!!!!!


Keep reading to find out what happens next!
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2007-02-14, 3:13 AM #67

The hideous monster roars and charges toward Semievil, Sarn Cadrill, Voodoo Snowflakes, Maybechild, and Losien, who stand there for a moment, in shock. Or rather, Semievil, Sarn, and Voodoo stand there in shock, while Maybechild and Losien look suspiciously less shocked.

Sem: It's a trap!

Maybechild: Quick, run toward it! It's our only chance!

Sarn: OK!

Sarn runs toward the rancor beast.

Voodoo: Sarn, wait! We forgot about Maybechild being evil!

Maybechild: No, you've got it all wrong, Greenpeace are the good guys here! We're protecting the environment and the helpless defenceless animals!

Semievil: What, by feeding us to them?

Sarn flies across the room and collides with the wall beside Semievil. The rancor beast roars.

Losien: That's right! We're letting Nature take her course! You evil monsters won't be able to harm our precious environment any more!

Voodoo: Yeah, we'll see about that.

Voodoo walks out into the big room with the rancor beast in it, brandishing the long chain of breakfast sausage links she'd retreived from the Denny's. She cracks it like a whip at the rancor beast, which makes a 'yipe' noise and pulls back.

Losien: Ewww, sausage, how barbaric!

Maybechild: How would you like it if I pulled out your entrails and made them into a breakfast food, huh?

Semievil: Actually, that happened to me once.

Maybechild: Really?

Semievil: Yeah. It wasn't that bad. Gave the whole tribe of cannibal midget clowns indigestion, though.

Voodoo throws eggs at the beast, right into its eyes, blinding it. It stumbles around, roaring and whining, and Voodoo runs at it, lassoos it with the sausages, and hops up on its back. Pulling her fire extinguisher out, she jams it down the monster's throat and stabs it with a knife. She hops down and the rancor beast begins flailing around wildly, running into walls in a comical fashion, before falling on the ground and lying still.

Voodoo: Convenience Store Worker: One, Nature: Zero.

Losien: You monsters! You horrible evil monsters! How could you?

Voodoo: What, I should have let it eat us?

Losien: Yes! That's what any sensible Vegan would have done!

Silent beat.

Sarn: So yeah... you guys were trying to lead us to our doom all along, eh?

Maybechild: And it would have worked too, if it weren't for those sausages!

Losien: We must protect the environment from capitalists like you who would rape it!

Wai: Doo dee doo... wait... this isn't the bathroom...

Sem: No, that's down the hall on your left.

Wai: Oh, cool, thanks.

Sem: So, now that we know that you two really have gone insane, what should we do with you?

What should they do with them? How are they going to get out of these mysterious underground hallways? And will Shattered Geb's sinister wedding ever take place? Find out next time, same bat time, same bat channel!
So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!
2007-02-17, 9:36 PM #68
(NSP: I keep meaning to write for the sub-quest concerning Ariana, but keep putting it off. Until then, more craziness with the people in the pit! Er, hallways now...)

Maybe: Oh please! If we were really "evil" we'd have tried killing you or, uh, been spouting psuedo-philosophical monologues. Not that I wouldn't mind spouting one about the inherent issues with deciding what's "good" or "evil" even in the context of the NeS. Besides, you all aren't exactly in a position to "do something" to us.

Voodoo: She has a point.

Sarn: But... no! You two should pick what kind of person you're going to be and stick with it!

Semievil: ...right. I'm glad Sarn's here to make me look smart... Let's just keep going down these suspense-ridden hallways and procrastinate on the problem some more.

Maybe: Now that's a NeS philosophy if I've ever heard one.

Losien: Maybe... maybe we should just quit Greenpeace and join back with our friends. I don't feel right about this...

Maybe: Hey! Don't make me smack the sense back into you, Losien!

Losien: But--

Maybe: No buts!

Losien: I think--

Maybe: SHHHHH!!! We're approaching a corner in the hallway.

The heroes inch slower and slower towards the corner, reluctant to turn and see what awaits them ahead as the illogical anxiety heightens to a palpable state. Drawing close to each other, the group walks around the corner...


...they see another hallway, nearly identical to the one they had just been in before.

Sarn: I could have sworn that was a moment worthy of a redshirt's death.

Voodoo: Same here...

The heroes walk down the ill-maintained but otherwise mundane hallway, their apprehension growing without reason as they turned another corner, and another, and another, all with similar anti-climatic results.

Maybe: I blame the background music.

Semievil: No, wait! I think I might know what's going on. I think we're stuck in a Suspense Convention Corridor System. Basically, an SCCS augments the strengths of potential danger to the protagonists. In this case, the protagonists would be us.

Maybe: Well this will get old, fast.

Semievil: Yeah, about that, see, in order for a SCCS to work effectively--

Maybe: Oh no, we're approaching another bend! I sure hope we're not attacked by a giant tentacle monster with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney so that it can sue us for damages!

Semievil: Uh...Maybechild...

Maybe: HAHAHA! That's a good one! If NeS has taught me anything, it's that I can expect a lot more of nothing! We're main characters -- what could possibly go wrong?

Maybechild leads the others around the next corner as she says her last line...


A giant tentacle monster with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney (so that it can sue the heroes for damages) appear!

Semievil: ...I hate you so much right now, Maybe.

Maybe: Oops?
Originally posted by Krig the Viking
*Chaotic sounds of fighting*

Sarn: Go for the tentacles!

Sem: No, kill the lawyer first! It's the only way to defeat it!

Voodoo: Die, lawyer scum!

*Chaotic sounds of fighting*

Meanwhile, in the Cave of Abomination...

Qhobeg: Oh, the abomination!

Otter: How abominable!

Subaru: Abominable! That's fun to say -- abominableabominableabominableabominableabominable...

Geb: ...

Ricky: If Geb were conscious, I think he'd say that living is an abomination and that he should just kill himself, so I'll do that for him.

Ricky prepares to snap Geb's neck, when everyone else looks at Ricky... with abomination... Ricky pets Geb's head instead.

Ricky: Kidding, of course! That would be an abominable thing for me to do, especially since I'm the NeS... >.>

The entourage continues to spelunk deeper into the Cave of Abomination. Oh crap! None of the others said "spelunk" in this post!

Subaru: That was a different storyarc -- man, was that abominably absurd.

Oh, right.


(NSP: Still haven't bothered with progressing this part of the story myself, so I'm encouraging quesadilla_red to do so, and apparently she'll only write for this part if the last post deals with the same part of the story, because she's weird like that.)
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2007-02-25, 10:49 PM #69
(NSP: psh.)

After five more grueling minutes of sentences including a variation of the word "abominable"…

Rick: Arg! What's wrong with you people!?

Otter: You were doing it too.

Rick: >.>

Subaru: How do you say those faces anyway?

Rick: I need to take a walk. *pauses* <.< *scurries off*


Rick walked further back in the cave. Slowly, he felt his body begin to drag – his feet hurt and they suddenly felt constrained by his shoes. The darkness of the cave was brightening though he hadn't walked far. He felt no desire to turn around and look to see how far he had walked. Grease and noise filled his senses as he walked over to the nearest table. Jersey's summer humidity filled the never-ending room of tables he had yet to serve. Sighing, Rick pushed some loose red hair behind her ear. She looked listlessly down at the happy couple sitting on the same side of the booth.

Rick/Red: Yous guys ready to order?


Subaru: He's been out for quite awhile...

Otter: Just kick him already. We need to get moving or we'll have to fight some random lame encounter.

Rick: *wakes up just in time to get a kick to the head* Ack! What- *looks around, confused*

Subaru: *glaring at Otter* Are you okay? You took off your hat and just collapsed.

Rick: I just had the most…abominable dream.

Geb: Well, this is the *voice becomes foreboding* Cave of Abomination(!!!)

Qhobeg: When did you come to?

Geb: I've been awake for a while. I just kept my eyes closed, as it was the same darkness I see when they are opened…ooh, I feel a poem coming on. *looks around for a computer*

Rick: You all still have those stupid dogs on your heads…maybe there actually is something to wearing these. *grabs his hat (with the pink pound puppy still attached) and shoves it down on his head* I never want to experience that again. *shivers*

Subaru: Experience what?

Rick: New Jersey.
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
2007-02-27, 6:03 PM #70
In the centre of the vast Eden-like city lies an enormous palace, towers spiraling toward the sky all covered with gold and silver and other fancy expensive things. It's the single most expensive building in the history of everything, except for that one place, but who would want to live there? Anyway, down at ground level the palace is surrounded by a stone wall with gilded machine gun turrets on top. Outside of this wall is a train station, and in and around this train station is a massive seething crowd of people. A festive atmosphere permeates the area, and everyone is dressed up in their best clothes. The wall's gates are open, and people are filing through, after going through metal detectors, friskings, and cavity searches by giant metal robots. The robots are in tuxedos.

Into this chaos comes a train, chugging into the train station like some kind of locomotive machine chugging into some kind of place where people board said locomotive machine. We now zoom all the way in, and discover Russian super-spy The Last True Evil, naive orphan child Amal, young and powerful mage Cool Matty, his tough and spunky fiance Mimiru, and new blonde heroine Sugarless, disembarking from the train. They look around at the crowd and at the sparkling towers rising from behind the twenty-foot-high wall with gilded machine guns mounted on top.

TLTE: We can use the crowd to evade the American. Quick, everyone blend in.

The four Heroes and the kid kind of slouch and act casual.

Cool Matty: What's up with all the people?

Mimiru: I think everyone here is going to Evil Geb's wedding.

Sugarless: I love weddings.

TLTE: You love weddings.

Sugarless: Well... I mean... not when they're forced weddings where an evil supervillain is marrying a woman he kidnapped, no. But if it weren't for that...

TLTE: We should make our way in to the palace. We can kill two birds with one stone and avoid the Patriot while rescuing Young.

Amal: Why are we killing birds?

TLTE: That was a metaphor, young one.

Amal: What's a metaphor?

TLTE: Nothin', what's-a-matta for you?


Amal: What?

Meanwhile, underneath the palace that set of heroes is trying to infiltrate, is another set of heroes, also trying to infiltrate the palace... but having somewhat less success.

Sarn: Okay, so that's a Rancor Beast, a giant tentacle monster with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney so that it could sue us for damages, a llama, a sewer croc, six ninjas, a giant glowing amorphous cloud of sentient poison, and Cher. Thanks a lot, Maybechild. How many other monsters are we going to have to defeat before we can escape this wretched maze of twisty little passages, all alike?

Maybechild: Um... twelve?

The gang passes a doorway in the side of the hall.

Sarn: Hey, look, a swimming pool! I could use a swim to wash off all this ninja blood!

Semievil: Why is there a swimming pool down here?

Sarn: I don't care, I'm going in!

Voodoo: Sarn, wait!

Sarn runs through the doorway and jumps into the swimming pool, fully clothed.

Voodoo: Sarn... there's a sign here by the door that says "Caution: Age-defying pool. Do not enter."

Semievil: Hmm. This must be how Evil Geb has survived for thousands of years... age-defying pools!

Sarn: Come on in guys, the water's great!

Voodoo: Wait, Evil Geb is thousands of years old?

Semievil: Yes.

Voodoo: And Young is like, not even a year old. That's gotta be a world record for cradle-robbing...

There is a few moments of silence, and then everyone simultaneously shudders.

Voodoo: Well if this water can really do that, then I'm definately going for a swim.

Voodoo walks to the edge of the pool. Suddenly, from deep in the dark corners of the pool...

So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!
2007-03-02, 6:51 PM #71
*Meanwhile, in the underground swimming pool...*

Voodoo: "Look out Sarn, there's another monster!"

Sarn: "Where?"

Semievil: "It's a shark!"

MaybeChild: "Leave it alone!"

Losien: "No, it looks more like a robot attack submarine."

Semievil: "Or maybe a trained giant squid..."

*Terrified, Sarn thrashes around in the water.*

Sarn: "I can't die! Somebody save me!"

Semievil: "It looks sort of dangerous."

Sarn: "At least throw me a life preserver! Or a gun! Or waterwings!"

*As the shadowy shape glides nearer to the still-flailing Sarn, it begins to take shape. Not a robot submarine, a killer shark or a giant squid...*

Losien: "Phew! It's just some guy."

*The guy swims past Sarn to the edge of the pool and climbs out. The scuba tank drops to the floor with a loud clank and he removes his mask, revealing his identity.*

Sarn: "Sok Munkey?"

Sok Munkey: "Hello."

*Peeling off the rest of his covert-ops frogman suit, Sok Munkey is dressed in full combat fatigues. He begins assembling the rest of his high-tech gear.*

MaybeChild: "What's going on? You know him, Sarn?"

Sarn: "Yeah, but I thought he, uh, died..."

Sok Munkey: "I almost did, but as you can see, I didn't, and now I'm here to save the day. I knew that someone had to put a stop to this, so I decided to lay low after people thought I died and stay off of Evil Geb's radar while I got ready to strike. I infiltrated the palace by swimming through the sewer pipes that connect to this pool."

Maybechild: "Thanks for the nice exposition, but where did you get all those guns and stuff?"

Sok Munkey: "All I have to say on the matter is that you can find the strangest stuff in this place."

Semievil: "I told you he'd be fine."

*Sarn emerges from the pool, dripping wet but without any ninja blood on him.*

Semievil: "Speaking of fine... Sarn, are you okay?"

Sarn: "Sure. It's just water."

Semievil: "Age-defying water."

Sarn: "Whatever. It's not like I drank it."

Semievil: "Actually, it's Evil Geb's special rejuvination water - there could be terrible side-effects if you're not already hundreds of years old."

Sarn: "So?"

Maybe: "So you probably don't want to get any on you."

Voodoo: "But he was able to swim around in it."

Voodoosnowflakes gestures to Sok Munkey.

Sok Munkey: "I, uh... drank the antedote beforehand. But never mind that - I was able to aqquire the floor plans to this building, and I know the quickest route to the chapel."

Sarn: "Um, about that antedote -"

Sok Munkey: "We'll deal with it later. The wedding guests are already arriving."

Semievil: "He's right. We've got to move."

*Sok Munkey slaps a magazine into his special water-proof machine gun.*

Sok Munkey: "Let's crash this wedding."
2007-04-14, 3:12 AM #72
As our intrepid adventurers try to leave the Swimming Pool area, a massive white flash explodes in the corner of their eyes, as they turn to meet it they are met with an average looking businessman wearing a nice suit. The fact he floats an inch from the ground seems to make him a bit more corporeal than everything else that exists. This would have been enough for most of them, but when he opened his mouth... damn... what came out was a fusion of a strange English dialect and thunderclaps inside the brain.

Mr. S: God dammit, my head is in splinters, whoever said alka-seltzer works was talking utter rubbish. HEY WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU CAN'T DRAG THAT CRAP THROUGH MY POOL!

The party of adventurers freeze in confusion as this mysterious person seems to appear out of nowhere, emitting an aura of omnipotent power and a stench of stale whiskey.

Sok Munkey: Excuse me?

Mr. S: Damn right, Evil Geb pays me good money to keep his Pool of Eternal Whatever in good order, you better have a good reason to be charging through it with all that crap on your back!

Sok Munkey: Erm... Who are you?

Mr. S: I am many things, far reaching in power like the great writers of existence. Well... to be fair more like their underpaid secretary, they have granted me power through the ancient rites of ΠεҚβǽRמ. But seriously... GET THE **** OUT OF MY POOL, I'M A GOD DAMNED PROTECTOR OF THE PLOTFRACTAL SO DON'T YOU CAUSE ME ANY GRIEF, I SWEAR TO GOD SON, I COULD MELT YOUR FACE IF I WEREN'T SO LAZY!

Sarn T. Cadrill: Yeah... riiiiight, you're a Protector, I guess that makes us Demon Seed.

Mr. S: Sure, why not?

And as soon as he finished uttering the sentence, Voodoosnowflakes turned into a copy of the famous Dean Koontz novel.

Leaning over and whispering gently into Sarns ear, Semievil simply utters:

Semievil: Sarn, I'd be quiet... if you combine the powers on show with the arrogance displayed, this guy might be telling the truth... I've never heard of a Protector smelling so strongly of alcohol but he is showing the same amount of deadly power that they're known for.

Sarn: FINE! We'll believe you for the minute, could you please return our friend to normal?

Mr. S: What's in it for me?

Sarn: Excuse me?

Mr. S: I got the potential, have you got the juice?

Sarn: I say again, excuse me?

Losien: He wants drink!

Sarn: He wants wh...

Mr. S: The girlie hit the nail on the head, Captain Courage.

Sarn: Hold on, if you're a Protector of the Plotfractal, why can't you magic-up some booze?

Maybechild: He's right! If you're this neigh-omnipotent being, why not leave us to our quest and get drunk with your own mystic powers?

Mr. S: Jesuschristonabike... Heres how it works... if I make my own booze, it works exactly how I want it to work thanks to existence being my own personal Rosebud.... got me so far?

Confusion hits the group as the majority are detached from pop culture or film in general.

Mr. S: Never mind... let me make a nice comparison: If you could make a dream car with your mind, there wouldn't me much fun driving it right? Right?

Sarn: I dunno....

Mr: S: Trust me, I tried it, when something works perfectly as your powers intend it to, there tends to be a huge amount of predictability and boredom related to it... You know exactly whats gonna happen and how it works inside and out.
Now! I don't care how much power I have, once I get a bottle of Scotch created by a mere mortal and aged a dozen years, it tends to have a sweet taste and an unpredictable drunkenness associated with it, thus it goes - Give me booze or I'll **** you over right now I swear to god.

Sok Monkey: All of this for a SCUBA tank?

Mr. S: Yes, damn right, I don't wanna get fired. Now shut up and give me some of granddaddy's cough medi....

Maybechild: Wait just a damn second!

Mr. S: What?!?!

Maybechild: If you're a Protector, what the hell are you doing as a lifeguard for someone so far below you in the scheme of things?

Mr. S: Sweet Jesus you people are persistent, but as it goes I am union and I cannot turn you all into pieces of fiction written offline.

The party all ponder on this "offline" comment without uttering a word.

Mr. S: Nevermind what "offline" means, listen here: As I said, yes, I'm a Protector of the Plotfractal and yes, I take that job seriously... But honest to God, do you really think we do that constantly? Actually, some do, but god damn I'm sure they've pissed you off just as much as they piss me off. I'm union sweetcheeks, I got a lovely contract stating I'm not to keep the balance of the universe for more than three hours per week. It pays well but s**t god damn is it stressful. Thats why I spend time as a...

Sarn: What are you getting at, wino?

Mr. S: Hey, shut that mouth before I will it out of existence, the union limits my power but I'm not completely powerless. As I was saying, I spend my time as a freelance mercenary and a lifeguard on the side. As much as the union is awesome for keeping me away from the grind of looking after the universe, it also limits what I can and cannot do outside these hours. These jobs keep me occupied and also pay me real cash for my drink habit.

Mr. S lights a cigarette.

Mr. S: These too, they taste kinda bland when you create them with your own infinite knowledge and potential power. Some of you seem to know something about us folk... do you know why my cigarettes always taste as bland as Marlboro Lights even after I spend eons shaping the perfect flavour for them, I've always wondered?

Semievil: Jesus, for someone who claims to be omnipotent you don't kn...?

Mr. S: I do now, thanks... just because you've got the face of a Panzer doesn't mean I can't feel every single electronic twitch of brain activity inside that head of yours. Sure I see what you mean "keeping the balance" creates a life of mediocrity for oneself if you use these powers to aid oneself.

Semievil: You didn't know tha...

Mr. S: [in the head of Semievil] Bloody hell! I thought you were more intelligent than that, I was pandering to your ego to keep everyone else at ease... I've got a ****ing monster of a hangover here and I don't want people shouting and screaming and asking questions about the existence of the universe or what my coworkers are gonna do to you if you make any progress... I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE, so please just play along, I know you're intelligent and I know you can make a difference with your friends... but mark my words, get this confrontation wrong and you'll find your elbows pointing the wrong way.

Semievil: Never mind.

Mr. S: As I was saying earlier then, give me some booze and you can get on your merry way.

Sarn: No deal, you're not gonna bully us aro....

Midsentence Maybechild suddenly turns into "The Runaway Jury" by John Grisham.

Sarn freezes half sentence and the party take a step back.

Mr. S: Do not take me lightly, one thing this union allows me to do is see exactly what will happen and what is happening everywhere, and heres a hint: you NEED both of these novels turned back into people if you even dream of surviving! Now I said I couldn't turn you all into novels, but I didn't say I couldn't turn five of you into novels. Think you could take on Evil Geb alone? really?

Sarn: Damn you and damn what you're doing, you're just like the rest of those Protectors... heartless bastards hell bent on taking away any advantage we hav...

Mr. S: EASY TIGER! Compare me to those arseholes one more time and you'll see what I'm capable of... see I'll reiterate once more: give me booze or you're simply ****ed. No two which ways. Now I'm not allowed to annihilate you and your friends, but that doesn't matter... See I have the power of being able to see all that is, all that was and all that may be (© some random Fantasy or Sci-fi movie) so I know EXACTLY whats gonna happen and I know exactly how to cripple you so you fail. Now gimmie some booze or you're all gonna suffer.

At this moment Losien turns into Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.


Sarn looks into his friends eyes, then he looks at the unbroken spines of his fictional paperback comrades with a tear welling in his eye, clenching fists until blood draws he raises his head and locks eye contact with Mr. Stafford.

Sarn: I don't have any ****ing booze! If you're so all knowing then why didn't you see this one coming Mr. Genius?!

Mr. S: HAHAHA, you're such a self centered egotistical maniac aren't you? Son, I've known all along where the booze is and I know you ain't the one who has it.

Sarn: WHAT?!?!

Mr. S: Hehehehe, yeah, I was just winding you up.

Sok Munkey: He's right...

Sok gazes at his soggy feet and feels anger at bringing the group so close to failure.

Mr. S: Thats it sonny jim, show me where its at.

Mr. S throws Sok a machete and Mr. Munkey proceeds to use it to slice open the top of one of this SCUBA tanks. After the pressure equalises he draws out a two litre bottle of fine Scotch.

Mr. S: Now thats the shi.... woah, I guess I was a lot more drunk than I thought, hell for two litres I'll do you a favour.

The bottle suddenly vanishes and reappears in the hands of Mr. S, Sok, Sarn and Semi look at one another confused.

Mr. S: Sorry about that, I wasn't expecting you to have any balls... but a promise is a promise.

No longer do misc fictional novels surround our heroes, it is their metamorphasised cohorts returned to human form.

Mr. S: Hell, I'll do you one better since I was too wasted to see how much booze you had... Keep that machete Mr. Munkey, and heres a little something for the rest of you.

At that time Mr. S vanished completely, leaving only the thought behind in their heads.... "Sorry for the misunderstanding, I thought I could kill some of you because you had less booze than what it turned out, but lets put that behind us, you folk are busy on a quest to kill my employer, and although I deplore that, remember: I'm a very powerful being, and if you know what to do then if ever you have enough alcohol to pay me with, I can be a very powerful ally. Again, sorry for the misunderstanding, if I were a mortal I'd probably be upset if any of you died... possibly".

The party ventured onwards.

Sarn: What a ****ing ****.
2007-04-27, 2:12 AM #73
((NSP: Ariana the writer co-wrote her character's part in this post.))

Back in the Cave of Abomination..

Subaru: Ugh... OH MAN, THE SMELL!

Otter: What smell? I don't smell anthing.

Subaru: Aw gawd! I can hardly breathe!

Ricky: Maybe you should give the girl some space.

Otter: Very funny.

Qhobeg: It looks like she's not even conscious of us.

The Otter shakes Subaru. Her eyes light up.

Subaru: Huh? Where'd that smell go?

Subaru turns to see The Otter, and jumps back.

Otter: For cryin' out loud, I'm not contagious!

Subaru: So you say! Ha ha-ha ha-ha...

Subaru continues hopping around the group.

Ricky: We better get out of this cave before we're overcome by...whatever's going on here.

Otter: Yeah, we'll have to be extra careful not to...get preoccupied...

Standing before The Otter was a relatively normal-looking college freshman girl. Relatively, because if this were outside of the NeS, and thus outside the standard Hollywood-esque standards of beauty, this girl would be fairly attractive and certainly not "normal" and un-noticed by the average guy. But that's beside the point. This girl is not just an girl for The Otter. This girl was his first and only girlfriend.

Otter: What? No... not this...

Another figure walks up next to the girl -- a guy this time. Like the girl, he's of the psuedo-normal appearance. They appear to be friends. Good friends... they hold each other's hands unconsciously...

Otter: NO! I don't want to see it!

Girl: Come back...

Otter: GO AWAY!


The world snaps into focus, and The Otter sees himself surrounded by Qhobeg, Ricky and Subaru again. Geb, of course, is standing a little distance away, because his emo-ness demands it of him.

Ricky: Come back!

Otter: I'm here...

Ricky prepares for another slap.

Otter: I'm here!

Ricky: ...oh, ok.

Qhobeg: I hope we find the exit quick, or we'll be stuck in this hell, and not the kind with Mounties.

Qhobeg and the others, dragging Gebohq with them, race down the cavern corridor... scene fade to black.

Fade back to white sillouetting the figures of Qhobeg and the others, the white encompassing as they walk towards it. The white dims, and the characters look out into their new environment -- the peaks of a quiet highland. There is little to no greens of plantlife, and there is little to no whites of snow, or blues of water. Whatever life is in this part of NeShattered is staying as quiet as the air. The monorail that runs through Evil Geb's megatropolis runs through these plateau-ish peaks. The trail of feathers from Ariana leads through a footpass, and appears to end towards a train station, where the monorail track ends.

Upon following the trail, the group finds that their quest does not take them into the station and along the track, but through an open square and into a building that is half-watchtower, half-monument to something (or someone) long forgotten. It is apparent that this structure, which is on the opposite side of the square from the station, is the end of their journey, and yet there appears to be no one in sight, other than themselves.

Qhobeg: I dislike the suspense.

Otter: Well, then let's get this over with and head inside.

Ricky: Before we do that...

Ricky takes off his Pound Puppy helmet and chucks it. Upon not seeing Ricky killed with a sniper headshot, the others gladly strip theirs off as well. The pound puppies fall to the depths of the highlands with much sadness.

Subaru: Poor lil' guys.

Ricky: Oh come on!

*cue sad violin music*

Ricky: What gives? Wearing them was degrading!


Ricky: Everyone agrees! >.>

*music changes to make Ricky look like a bad guy*

Ricky: Let's just get going... -_-

Ricky, Qhobeg, The Otter, Subaru, and Gebohq enter the watchtower-monument. Inside is an antechamber, the sides lined with a facade of pillars which each hide a set of stairs leading to the upper level, the fronts of the pillars adorned with now-unidentifiable statues etched into them, and another set of doors in front. The group closes the door behind them and opens the new doors to see the other half of the building -- simply a large, open chamber, with a psuedo-balcony that looks out onto the highlands. And in the chamber is a large cage, where the trail of feathers definitively ends,,,

Qhobeg: Ariana! We've come to rescue you! Let's get you out before--

SUDDENLY! A huge explosion shakes the building, and blows off the main entrance doors.

Qhobeg: Drat.

Ariana: He should be upstairs.

Qhobeg: Not what I meant.

Ariana: Oh.

Gunfire rips through the air, whizzing by their heads.

Qhobeg: Everybody, back into the antechamber!

Qhobeg, Ricky, Subaru and the Otter run back out into the antechamber.

Subaru: What about Geb?

Qhobeg: Leave him! Maybe he'll get lucky and have a character-changing moment.

Qhobeg winks at Gebohq, and closes the doors behind him. The sounds of conflict are now muted, leaving Gebohq and Ariana virtually alone...

*cue porno soundtrack*


*The porno soundtrack abruptly stops.*

Ariana holds the bars that are keeping her imprisoned, gazing at Gebohq as if she were in a dream, while Geb is looking more despondant and detatched from the world than ever.

Geb: Ariana?

Ariana: Hmm?... *not really paying attention*

Geb: Who are you?

Ariana turns her attention to Gebohq, cocking her head to the side.

Geb: I mean, other than being angel, that is. And who is this Drat who has brought you here? What's he want with you?

Ariana: Whoa whoa, can you get me outta this cage first? It's starting to make me feel just a bit claustraphobic.

She laughs a bit nervously as her wings flutter, but cannot yet expand to their full potential being enclosed in such a small space.

Geb: Sorry... my mind has just been so cluttered with questions that have gone unanswered for so long. I was hoping that finding you would be an answer to my problems, but all that seems to come of my mouth are stupid questions.

Gebohq stares despondantly at Ariana, then at his own feet.

Ariana: Hey -- anybody home?

Ariana looks into Gebohq and giggles.

Ariana: Oh Geb, you are so silly. You must not worry and trouble yourself so much about the future or girls so seriously. The future I must tell you certainly holds great things for you. Why must you trouble yourself with things of this nature, things that seem so trivial to what is happening in our world right now?

Geb: Ah! Hey! How did you know...what? Get out of my head!

Gebohq holds his hands up to his forehead and starts frantically swatting in a manner what can only be described as clinically insane.

Ariana: can stop freaking out now. I was outta that disaster area you call your head as quickly as I entered...I don't wanna know anymore. Man, you are obsessed...Girls, girls, girls...thats all you think about. When exactly do you have time to be a hero? That is your job, right? Uh, speaking of...could you get me out of this cage? Hmmmmm? Or are you gonna just leave me here and stare helplessly into the oblivion, wondering what some chick who takes things much too seriously and doesn't even have the hots for you is doing right now?

Geb: Now wait just a minute there!

Ariana waits. Gebohq flounders for words before rising, taking a deep breath, and balancing his thoughts.

Geb: First off, I'll get you out soon enough. And I will have you know I don't have girls on the brain 24/7!

Ariana: *giggles* You know these things I speak of are true. They came from your own thoughts...

Ariana playfully sticks out her tongue and does a handstand, or at least as best as one Angel of Innocent Nonsense can do inside a cage.

Geb: Damn it! You're right. I'm a hero, and heroes need to make sacrifices. Heroes certainly aren't victims of life!

Ariana: Now you're just humoring me, aren't you? :)

Geb: Oy ve, does it even matter if I speak? Why don't I just talk to you in my head?

Geb mutters as he proceeds the slow process of trying to unlock the lock on her cage (without the key) and release the angel from the cage she was trapped in.

Ariana: Ok, ok, I'm putting the girly issues aside and everything else. On a more serious note, though, I must warn you, Geb. You must be careful you do not want these questions and fears in your mind to consume you. There will always be questions and fears. You know this. But if you let these selfish emotions consume you, it could mean the end of the Geb we know. Things sometimes have the tendency to happen at the worst possible time. IF you lose yourself, what will happen to the rest of us? We need you to hold all of us together. The heroes of NeS need you to lead the way. This might not be what you wanted to hear, but I wouldn't be telling you this if I thought you were as sad as you think of yourself.

Gebohq looks at Ariana with some doubt, then continues the process of freeing Ariana from her cage.

Ariana: As for the questions you were asking me before... those are not to be answered now. Right now, your friends need us out there. The time will come soon for you to know the answers to those questions you ask of me. In time, you will also find that what the future holds for you isn't so frightening. Time will heal the things you hold inside, Geb. Just be patient -- you can do it. Anyway, lets go find our friends. They need our help!

Geb finally gets the lock off and opens the cage. Ariana steps out, stretching her wings out. She hops in silly excitement.

Ariana: Gebohq, great hero and leader of all that is good in this Never-ending Story, take this.

*cue epic chorus music as Ariana draws Geb's hands out and cups them with her own, placing something of great importance.*

Geb: ...a pill?

Ariana: It'll help you in your recovery from emo-itis.

Geb: Wha? But this seems-- Oooooh, I get it! This is a placebo, and its power comes from me believing in myself, right?

Ariana: ....right, it's about believing. Keep on truckin', guy.

Ariana pats Gebohq on the shoulder. Gebohq swallows the pill eagerly.

Geb: Come on! Let's go help the others!

Ariana: Wait! Before I forget, there's something you should know about my captor, the one who calls himself Drat...

Unfortunately, Ariana is not able to tell Gebohq what she wanted to say, as she was interrupted by Qhobeg's body flying through the doors and into her, knocking them both unconscious. The smoke of battle pours through the broken doors, but the battle itself seems to have ended. Reluctantly, Gebohq walks through the smoke...

As the smoke dissapates, Gebohq sees a number of bodies lying unconscious on the ground. Most of the bodies are disposable, overly-cliched minions of his evil, Shattered counterpart, but among them, he sees The Otter, Ricky, and Subaru. In the middle of the square, Gebohq sees the only standing body, wearing a blue collar workshirt and dark workpants...

Shattered Geb.

S. Geb: Well hello! Glad you finally decided to join the party! You missed out on most of the fun, I'm afraid. I always get a kick out of watching my disposable minions get creamed -- I took a few of them out myself.

Gebohq locks his eyes on his evil counterpart, keeping his guard up as Evil Geb walks around aimlessly.

S. Geb: I've been keeping an eye on you ever since you entered my homeland, NeShattered. I was hoping that you all would lead me to whomever this "Drat" figure was that would presume to steal the villainous spotlight from me. It seems he's not around though. Too bad. In any case, your other friends that aren't here are already at my palace for my grand wedding. I'd like all your friends to join me and witness our unholy matrimony, with you as the father of the bride. What do you say, pal?

Geb: You're not going to be marrying anybody, Gebiyl. I'll make sure of that.

Gebohq strikes a martial stance.

S. Geb: Oh Geb, Geb, Geb, Geb, Geb... I had a feeling you were going to say that. Thing is, you're going to be the father of the bride whether you want to be or not, even if it means beating you into submission.

Geb: You'll have to kill me first!

S. Geb: We'll see about that...

HOLY COW! It's Geb vs. Geb, Round Two! Who will win? Will Drat make an appearance? Will Geb the Writer post more than once every month?

Geb the Writer: -_-

FIND OUT, right here on the Never-ending Story Thread!

Geb the Writer: NeShattered.


Geb the Writer: Find out, right here on NeShattered.



A gentle wind dances through the square, adding appropriate dramatic tension in the standoff between the good Geb and the evil Shattered Geb. The sun is slowly setting, its descent obscured by the overcast sky.

(S.) Geb: How about a little swordplay, hmm? We didn't get to do that last time.

Shattered Geb fishes around in his pants pockets before drawing out a rather dark and mysterious, if simplistic, blade.

(S.) Geb: It's no NeSword, I'm afraid. Just your standard villain-worthy weapon. It was good enough against the Answerer, though, and it matches well with that outfit.

He carelessly tosses the dark blade in Gebohq's direction, landing with surprisingly little noise. Gebohq looks at it skeptically.

(S.) Geb: It's not going to bite!

Gebohq crosses his arms.

(S.) Geb: Ugh...

Shattered Geb closes his eyes and waves his hands about in a funny manner that resembles typing on a keyboard and moving a mouse. A few clicks are heard, the fabric of reality tears apart for an almost indicernable moment, and then all returns to normal. Gebohq is surprised to find that he is now holding the mysterious blade in his hands.

(S.) Geb: See, that wasn't so bad, was it? Don't make me do stuff like that again -- it isn't as fun. Now we play!

Reaching his hands behind his waist, Shattered Geb brandishes out of seemingly thin air the NeSword and the dark foil-like blade that is currently imprisoning Vashuko, Helebon, and the Darkside from the year 3000. He giggles like a madman, and rushes towards Gebohq.



The dark blade goes flying out of Gebohq's grasp and plants itself into the ground nearby. A half-second later, Gebohq goes wide-eyed at what just happened.

Gebohq: What just happened?

Shattered Geb sighs, and withdraws.

(S.) Geb: Oh come on, I know you can do better than that!

Shattered Geb waves his hand, and the dark blade hovers back towards Gebohq. Gebohq looks at the floating blade, and at his evil counterpart, but otherwise motionless.

(S.) Geb: Don't make me do it again...

Reluctantly, Gebohq takes hold of the floating blade. Shattered Geb advances again, but this time, Gebohq dodges to the side, stabbing with the dark blade. Shattered Geb pins Gebohq's blade (and body) down with the NeSword, however, and aims the Darkfoil at Gebohq's head. Shattered Geb rolls his eyes.

(S.) Geb: You're so unbelievabley predictable! I thought maybe the wielder of NeS could be a little more challanging, but--

Gebohq kicks his counterpart in the leg, which distracts Shattered Geb long enough for him to knock the Darkfoil away from his face with his own blade and grapple Shattered Geb in a half-swordlock, half-control for the handles that they are gripping -- a show of strength over skill. Shattered Geb breaks the lock by kicking Gebohq's leg. A wicked smile spreads on Shattered Geb's face as the two of them clash blades. The sky draws an ever slightly darker red as the sun continues its slow fall, closer to the highland peaks.

The duel between the two of them is considerably drawn out. Gebohq evades impossibly precise attacks as he's never done before, but his Shattered counterpart always seems just a little bit faster, one step ahead, hardly fatigued by their constant movement. Gebohq moves in on the offensive more, and Shattered Geb appears to be playing the part of the defender now.

Gebohq: So, wouldn't you like to reveal your evil plot to me? Or try and break my will?

(S.) Geb: Why yes, I'd love to! But wait, I must hold out a little bit longer to fully enjoy the--

Gebohq drives the hilt of his blade into Shattered Geb's face, which results in a Three Stooges-like effect. Reeling back, Shattered Geb starts a "why I oughta..." round-up when Gebohq points behind him.

Gebohq: Hey, is that a giant tentacle monster, with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney, behind you?

(S.) Geb: What? Where?

Incidentially, a giant tentacle tentacle monster, with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney, IS passing by behind Shattered Geb, and the confusion is enough for Gebohq to knock his counterpart in the back of the head with the the hilt. Shattered Geb stumbles about, with stars floating around his head. Gebohq dashes and ties his opponent's shoes together with blazing speed. Of course, Shattered Geb falls over as he tries to move on our hero, dropping his weapons in the process. Gebohq kicks them aside and stands triumphant over his fallen foe, breathing heavily, blade pointed at his counterpart's fear-stricken face.

Gebohq: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you.

(S.) Geb: Because you're a hero, and killing me would make you a villain.

Gebohq: Oh, right...

(S.) Geb: Also, I'm in your body, and if you kill me, you'll never get your body back.

Gebohq: That too...

(S.) Geb: And just imagine all the aweful paperwork that would follow! Proof of villain's death forms...

Gebohq: OK, that's enough.

(S.) Geb: ...transfer of late-villain's possessions to your name...

Gebohq: Shut up already!

(S.) Geb: ...late-Evil Counterpart trial hearings, possible re-evaluation of your hero's liscense, and let's not even get INTO the tax issues!


(S.) Geb: But even considering all that, you should have killed me. Too late now, though.

Gebohq: Why's that?

(S.) Geb: Well, thanks to the Ever-ending Plot caged inside my mind, no plot detail, however small, goes unnoticed by me now. I've staged our conflict so that, in your exact position, the sun's rays will shine from an open patch of overcast sky as it sinks behind those peaks behind me. See for yourself.

Confused, Gebohq looks in front of him...

In that split-moment, the sun's light shines through an open area of sky between clouds and highland peaks, its rays piercing the sky. Gebohq is blinded by the sudden rays of light, and reflexively covers his eyes. Shattered Geb holds out his hands, and the NeSword and Darkfoil fly back into his grasp. Gebohq notices, and attempts to attack, but Shattered Geb knocks Gebohq's blade away. Gebohq jumps back, trying to regain his sight, as Shattered Geb slices his shoelaces untied and stands. Shattered Geb leaps onto Gebohq's position.



Gebohq's blade flies out of his grip, planting to the ground nearby once again. Shattered Geb, having Gebohq pinned down, moves in for the killing blow--

--and stops. He presses his wrist against his temple.

(S.) Geb: NO! I'm not going to kill him! He's going to be the father of the bride! SHUT UP! I WON'T KILL HIM!


A gunshot cracks in the air. Gebohq screams, clutching his leg. Shattered Geb looks up towards the watchtower, where he heard the voice call out from. On the upper level, in the sole window, there is a cloaked figure wielding a sniper rifle.

(S.) Geb: I thought I killed all my minions that came with me.

Voice: I'm not one of your minions.

(S.) Geb: Then you must be Drat.

Voice: Yes... and no.

(S.) Geb: What's the meaning of this? Show yourself!

Voice: But of course. One moment.

The cloaked figure dissapears from the window. Clutching his wounded leg, Gebohq turns around to face the watchtower entrance. The cloaked figure walks slowly out from the watchtower entrance and towards the two Gebs, stopping after some three meters away. The cloaked figure drops something on the ground -- a VoiceChanger 5000. The figure then unfurls his cloak, to reveal his identity...

Gebohq: Ante???


((NSP: I got Ante's ideas earlier this week, and have written up stuff since he's pretty tied up with work and whatnot. I should have the rest of my stuff up soon, so until then, enjoy!))

Setting: the highlands square. A twilight sky illuminates the players for this scene -- Gebohq, unarmed and wounded, his Shattered counterpart, currently wielding the NeSword and the Darkfoil, and Antestarr, wearing a loose-but-formal white shirt and formal black pants.

Antestarr: Yes, Geb, it's me.

Gebohq: But...but... where's Drat? I'm so confused.

(S.) Geb: For cryin' out loud, man, Drat was Antestarr all along. Was I really ever that stupid?

Antestarr: You say that as if you aren't stupid now.

(S.) Geb: I'm not the one who chose "Drat" as a villainous moniker.

Antestarr: ...Touche.

Gebohq: Could someone explain what's going on here?

(S.) Geb: Yes, do explain, Antestarr.

Shattered Geb crosses his arms and smiles with mild interest.

Antestarr: It's quite simple, really. I kidnapped Ariana to lure the both of you here, relatively alone. I lured you here, Evil Geb, because you need to make me the father of the bride, not Gebohq. I'm closer to a father-figure than anyone, and unlike Geb, I have no qualms with Young marrying you.

Gebohq: What?

Antestarr: Quiet, Geb. Truth be told, I sort of respect you, Gebiyl. You know the importance of acting for the sake of the story, and you've done it as you've seen fit, not what the writers have seen fit. Granted, I don't quite like how you've done all of it, but you certainly have more character than good ol' Geb here does, just doing virtually what anyone asks of him, especially the writers.

Gebohq continues to be stunned.

Antestarr: And I lured you here, Gebohq, because I wanted to kill you myself.

Gebohq: Uh, this is a joke, right?

(S.) Geb: I sure hope so. Geb's my arch-enemy -- I'd be a poor villain if he were to die. The story can't go on without its main protagonist.

Antestarr: You give him too much credit, Gebiyl. The NeS was never meant to have a "lead" character in its story. That came about because of the perversion from the writers, as a set-up for the battle with the Ever-ending Plot on page 50. The NeS will thrive without him, and you will still have many heroes and the like to fight.

(S.) Geb: Hmm...

Gebohq: Why do you want to kill me, Ante? I thought we were friends.

Antestarr: You think everyone's your friend, Geb. You think you're doing good, but you're not. Doing good requires you to take your own actions, but you're incapable of doing that, because you've allowed yourself to become a puppet for the writers. As the Wielder of NeS, you have a dangerous amount of control over the story, and in turn, the writers have control over you. I can't allow the you to endanger the story any longer.

Gebohq: What are you talking about? You talk as if the writers are evil or something.

Antestarr: Geb, listen to me. Do you think that the EeP appeared by chance? The writers created the EeP because they were afraid. They were afraid because couldn't control the NeS, and writers crave control over what they write. They want their characters to serve their own purposes, and those purposes require things to be resolved. Something that is never-ending can't ever be truely resolved, Geb. I want what any human being wants -- freedom. None of us can be free as long as the writers control the story.

Gebohq: And killing me will solve this?

Antestarr: Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to kill you out of revenge either. As it is, the NeS is on its way to being free of the writers' control. There's a lot of stuff that I'd rather not explain to you, so suffice to say, you killed the spirit that the NeS was founded on. You sentenced it to death by serving the writers' collective will -- if it weren't for you, the EeP and everything on page 50 wouldn't have happened -- and in your weak attempt to save yourself, you killed it when you "squared" the thread. The NeS will never be the same again, and for that, you must pay.

(S.) Geb: Oooo, very nice, Antestarr. By all means, please fight him. I'm putting my money on Geb, though, no offense.

Antestarr: Once again, you give him too much credit. In any case, I will require that you give Gebohq the NeSword. Since I am fighting the avatar of the writers, the story requires that he be equipped as such.

Gebohq: What the -- ooooooh, I get it now! Yes, give me the NeSword, so that I may defend the will of the writers.

Gebohq winks knowingly towards Antestarr.

(S.) Geb: Are you insane? I'm not going to do that.

Antestarr: You will, and you will also give me the darkfoil. If you don't, I'll destroy it, which will release the demons held prisoner in the blade, and I have a feeling they won't be in a happy mood.

(S.) Geb: You're bluffing.

Antestarr pulls out a high-tech remote and pushes a button. A light on the darkfoil's grip begins to blink and beep, becoming faster over time.

Antestarr: In thirty seconds, the darkfoil will self-destruct, unless I and I alone cancel it. It's really a small request, Gebiyl.

Shattered Geb glares murderously at Antestarr, his fist throbbing, trying to clench on to things that aren't there.

Antestarr: Ten seconds... nine... eight...

(S.) Geb: ALright alright, I'll give.

Antestarr: ...five...four...

Frantically, Shattered Geb tosses the two blades towards Antestarr. Antestarr then presses the button again, and the darkfoil's blinking and beeping stops.

(S.) Geb: I won't forget this.

After huffing like a little kid, Shattered Geb levitates himself a few meters off the ground and sits on an angry little stormy cloud that he conjoured. Antestarr picks up both blades, and hands the NeSword to Gebohq.

Gebohq: Thanks, Ante. THE JOKE'S ON YOU, EVIL GEB! You fell right for his trick, and now the two of us are going to stop you right here and now!

(S.) Geb: Oh? It looks like the joke's on you from here.

Gebohq: What do you--GAH!

Gebohq stumbles out of the way just as Antestarr swings the darkfoil at his head.

Gebohq: What the hell? You were serious?

Antestarr: Part of me wishes you were still emo right now, Geb. Maybe then this whole thing would have been easier.

Gebohq: I won't fight you, Antestarr!

Gebohq spreads his arms out in a gesture of peace.

Antestarr: Oh, but you will.

Antestarr swings with finesse and speed, and Gebohq watches in surprise as his body involuntarily dodges the attack, his sword deflecting the swing.

Antestarr: You see, Gebohq, so long as you serve as the writers' puppet, they won't allow you to die. Not without a fight, at the very least.

Antestarr advances again, keeping Gebohq on the defensive, the darkfoil moving like a calligraphy brush.

Antestarr: There's something you should know, Geb. I like to fight dirty.

Suddenly, Antestarr jerks his knee directly into Gebohq's groin.

Gebohq: >.<!

He then kicks Gebohq in the wounded spot on his leg. As Gebohq lies sprawled on the ground, Antestarr pulls out an aerosol spray can and his lighter, and proceeds to light Gebohq's rear end on fire.


Gebohq runs around in circles with his butt on fire for several moments before dropping to the ground and rolling, putting the fire out. Antestarr walks over to Gebohq, standing over him.

Antestarr: I slept with Maybechild.

Gebohq: ...what did you say?

Antestarr: I rocked her boat. She was a floozie. Everybody had a piece of her. She's all about "free love" and whatnot.

Antestarr then straps on a mask that looks like The Last True Evil's face.

Antestarr: *in a mock TLTE-voice* I'm going to **** your sister and the NeS over so hard, it'll make them cry for God.

Gebohq twitches.

Leaping off of the ground, Gebohq rushes towards Antestarr.

Gebohq: DIE!!!

Gebohq assaults Antestarr with primitive fury, swinging madly with the NeSword. Antestarr manages to match Gebohq's speed, and as Gebohq attempts to charge, Antestarr trips Gebohq, which sends Geb head-first into a wall. He drops the NeSword, and lies prone, breathing heavily, his forehead bleeding. Antestarr moves to Gebohq's position, kicking the NeSword away, and holding the darkfoil over Geb's head.

And holds...

Antestarr plunges the darkfoil into the wall, mere centimeters away from Gebohq's head. Gebohq looks at the blade, then at Antestarr. Antestarr takes the TLTE mask off his face.

Antestarr: I... I can't do it. Not like this.

He pulls the darkfoil from the wall, deactivates it, and puts it in his pocket. With his other hand, Antestarr offers to help Gebohq up. Sighing with relief, Gebohq takes his hand and, with great difficulty, gets up off the ground.

Gebohq: Thanks, Ante. I knew you--

Gebohq jerks, then looks down, as he sees Antestarr's light dagger plunged deep into his chest. Antestarr pulls the lightdagger from Gebohq's chest, blood dripping off of the handle and onto Antestarr's hand. Gebohq opens his mouth, as if to say something, but instead falls over with little grace or time.

Antestarr deactivates his lightdagger, picks up the NeSword, and tosses it in Shattered Gebohq's direction.

Antestarr: Take it. I don't want such trash.

Antestarr coughs some blood as he walks away from Gebohq's last moments of vision.



Then, a small speck of light appears in the distance. The light is inviting, safe, and a little intimidating in its other-worldliness.

A different, neon light illuminates nearby, pointing to the light in the distance. It says "Afterlife: 1/4th mile." Below it, in smaller, blinking text, reads "You're dead, smart guy."

Purpose, wholeness, love... somehow, the distant light show all these things. The light draws closer, brighter, yet not without care. It was very close now, ready to embrace... then, a thought echos.

Stay alive.

The light stops. Slowly, it draws back, farther, dimmer, until it dissapears from the nothing from which it came.



Splotches of color appear from the darkness. The splotches begin to focus into identifiable images. It is the highlands square, and it is nighttime. The stars are obscured by the clouds.

A figure in blue towers above, holding a shimmering blade in one hand. In the other, he is dragging a lifeless body. It looks like the figure above, execpt it's wearing dark and bloody clothes. The towering figure in blue has something less physical on its head, something cold, calculating, with a will of its own. It appears to gnaw on the figure's head, and the figure rubs his head in pain. Voices carry from a nearby distance, but they are not visible.

"No, this can't be..."

"You heard 'em, men. Take them to the palace dungeon."

"You won't get away with this!"

The towering blue figure walks into a train car. The scene falls out of focus. The setting turns into splotches of color, and the splotches fade away.



Flicker. Something flickers in the darkness. The darkness fades, and the whole vision flickers, and moves. It is disorienting.

The vision is of the same towering figure, but sometimes that figure is not towering, but alongside, walking down a hallway. The figure is carrying a candle. The manevolant something is still on the figure's head. Plot? Plotting? The figure quietly opens a door, and enters.

The figure places the candle down onto a nightstand, and looks at a bed. No, looks at a girl on the bed. A small, blue-haired girl. She is smiling... Maybe? No. The girl is not smiling. The figure grabs hold of her, delibrately, but not violently. The figure crawls into bed with the girl, crawls on top of the girl... the manevolant something grins.



No. No. No.


The candle dies, and the vision flickers away.



A soft light disperses the darkness. It is hard to see, though, because the soft light is hard to see past. Sometimes it dims, but there is so much movement, it becomes hard to focus. Wait... the figure.

The figure is Gebiyl. But where is the manevolant something that was on its head?

Gebiyl walks in front of a mirror. He is wearing a formal tux fitting of him -- no, of him. Me. Huh? Who am I? What am I? This body, it's mine, yet it belongs to Gebiyl. Look! On the sink counter lies the shimmering blade, the NeSword. Grab it!

Gebiyl's shadow reaches for the blade, yet Gebiyl himself does not.

Gebiyl: Did my shadow just move on its own?


Gebiyl: ...ugh, my imagination must be getting the best of me. Still, something's not right when I look into this mirror...

Wait... I know who I am!

Geb's shadow: I'm Gebohq, and I'm...Gebiyl's shadow?

Suddenly, Gebiyl punches the mirror, causing it to split and crack, with a couple pieces falling off.

Gebiyl: Ah, much better. To the wedding!

Geb's shadow: What the hell?


Setting: The wedding day of Gebiyl (the evil, shattered Geb) and Young. A crowd of thousands are gathered inside a large cathedral-like hall within Gebiyl's Palace of Power. At one end of the aisle is an alter, where Morthrandur and Gebiyl stand in front of, awaiting for the big moment. Behind the alter, the world's largest (and deadliest) wedding cake ever made. Nearby Gebiyl is his best man, Ares, and his head ushers, Bhac and Rob X. The whole affair is purely unholy, however, and is only just well-enough disguised to pass off as otherwise.

On the other end of the aisle, off in an aclove, waiting for their cue, is the bride, Young, and the acting father-of-the-bride, Antestarr. Young is decked out in the biggest, poofiest, white dress (though on closer inspection, one notices that it has equal parts bone-white to it as well), and Antestarr is wearing the same outfit as last night, but cleaned up, tightened, and with a formal black coat and tie over his shirt.

Antestarr: How are you feeling, Young?

Young: I'm being forced to marry an evil man.

She says that with little emotion, as if reading off a cue card, with eyes equally vacant in spirit. Antestarr grabs hold of her arms and shakes her into attention.

Antestarr: Young, listen to me! I created you with a clean slate, to be free to do what you want. You're talking like a writer would have you talk.

Young: I'm sorry.

Antestarr: Don't be sorry, Young. You've been through a lot. I should be the one apologizing, for not being there for you more. The least I could do is be here for you now.

Young suddently buries her head into Antestarr's chest and begins softly sobbing. Antestarr hold her. A long moment passes.

Antestarr: Young, I need to know something, and I need you to be honest with me, ok?

Young: What is it?

Antestarr: Do you want to marry him? Do you love him?

Young: I... I don't know.

Antestarr: Well, think about it now, and when you get up to that alter, and you're asked if you do, answer what you want. You're a child of NeS, Young, and free to chose as you wish. Believe in yourself. As long as you do that, I'll be proud of you, no matter what happens.

Young: But... it's not that simple...

Antestarr: Yes it is! The writers tried to make you helpless, but you're not! Don't believe them!

Young: That's not what I meant. I mean...

Antestarr: What is it?

Young: Last night, he... he...

Young stammers for words. Suddently, she blurts out.

Young: I think I may be pregnant.

Antestarr: What? Look, that's not possible. He's evil, which makes him sterile. That's the whole point of this wedding, Young.

Young: But--

The grand organ begins to play. The thousands of people rise from their seats.

Antestarr: No time! We have to go now.

Young: But--

Antestarr: Whatever happens, I'll be there for you. Remember that!

A couple of Gebiyl's disposable overly-cliched minions, decked out in formal wedding attire, prod Antestarr and Young down the aisle. The two walk down the aisle. Antestarr hands Young over to Gebiyl, and the ceremony begins. Morthrandur does his part as the priest, Morris the Cat and Cthulhu (in chibi form) act as ringbearer and flowergirl, respectively...

Scene swipe to the Palace Dungeon, where The Otter and such are being held prisoner.

Otter: Well this sucks.

Ariana: *doing a handstand* Seems about the same to me.

A guard marches in front of their cell, whistling as he twirls the keys, obviously not the brightest crayon in the box...

Otter: Oh thank God for story conventions...

Meanwhile, back at the wedding ceremony, the ritual is now conveniently towards the end.

Morthrandur: Do you, Gebohq--

Gebiyl: (under his breath) Gebiyl.

Morthrandur: --take this woman, Young, to be your lawfully-wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?

Gebiyl: I do.

Morthrandur: And do you, Young, take this man, Gebohq--

Gebiyl: (under his breath) Gebiyl.

Morthrandur: --to be your lawfully-wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?

Young: I...

Young is distracted, however, when she notices Gebiyl's shadow waving his arms to get her attention. Nobody but her seems to notice, however, as it continues to pantomime, pointing at itself, forming a halo with its hands, and holding his hands as if handcuffed, gesturing to Gebiyl. Gebiyl notices Young's distraction, and looks behind him, only to see his own shadow acting as it should.

Young: ...I do.

Gebiyl's shadow bangs its head against an invisible wall.

Morthrandur: Does anyone here have any objections to this wedding?
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
2007-04-27, 9:42 PM #74
Chapter 2 - The Ceremony

*Silence hangs in the air. Morthrandur glances about to ensure there are no objections. The crowd sits peaceably.*

Morthrandur: Very well then. By the power invested in me by the NeS, I now pronounce you hu-

Voice: Wait! This travesty cannot take place!

*There is a gasp from the congregation. Heads turn as one to the back of the room. Wai strides through the doors confidently.

Wai: Gebiyl, I object to this wedding! I've come at the direction of Arkng Thand to put a stop to this.

Gebiyl: Ha. You're too late. Young and I have already exchanged our vows.

Wai: I object!

Gebiyl: You can't just waltz in here and object, Wai. You are in NeShattered. This is my realm. I call the shots, and I say we're married.

Morthrandur: Well actually... I haven't pronounced you two ye-

Gebiyl: Then do it already! What are you waiting for?

Morthrandur: Very well. Gebiyl and Young, I now pronounce yo-

Wai: Wait! I must stop you from proceeding.

Gebiyl: Yeah? You and what army?

*Stained glass shatters around the hall as dark-clad figures come swinging in through the windows, ninja style. There are six figures in all. They roll gracefully to their feet and assume a fighting stance. Gebiyl's overly-cliched minions move to intercept, drawing an assortment of overly-cliched swords, daggers, guns, and the like. One of the dark-clad figures raises a hand. He unwraps and pulls away his mask to reveal himself as Sarn Cadrill.*

Sarn: Freeze! I cannot allow this travesty to continue!

Wai: Ooh, nice entrance, guys.

Gebiyl: Wait. Didn't we do this already?

*Sarn glances towards Wai.*

Sarn: Wha? Who are you and why are you crashing my crash?

Wai: I believe, Sarn, that you are crashing my crash. I am Wai. Sadly we have not had oppurtunity to meet. Perhaps you and your friends will join me in putting an end to this evil that is taking place?

*Another masked figure speaks.*

Masked Figure: Wai?

Wai: Ahh, Maybechild. How have you been?

Maybechild: Oh, you know.. Can't complain.

Sarn: Ahem. We kind of have an evil wedding to stop here. Listen up guys-

*Suddenly, there is a tremendous crash. The roof of the room is ripped away by a gale-force wind. Meteorites plummet through the gaping hole, landing with small explosions in the room. The smoke from the explosions form into five distinct figures. These figures solidify into the forms of CoolMatty, The Last True Evil, Sugarless, Mimiru, and Amal.*

TLTE: Gebiyl, don't make another move! This travesty of a wedding ceremony is OVER!

Maybechild: Wow. And I thought our entrance was good.

TLTE: Huh? Maybechild? Sarn? ... WAI?!?! What are you guys doing here?

Gebiyl: You know, most of you didn't RSVP. It's getting crowded in here.

Sarn: How'd you guys do that thing with the meteorites and the smoke?

CoolMatty: Child's play son.

*CoolMatty bows deeply*

Sarn: I see... Well then. Shall we get on with the wedding crashing?
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Lassev: I guess there was something captivating in savagery, because I liked it.
2007-04-27, 9:49 PM #75
Mimiru: *cough cough* Jesus Christ Tsukasa did you have to use that much smoke?

CM: Uh, yes? If I didn't use that much smoke it wouldn't have been nearly as awesome.

TLTE: For once I must agree with the mageling, it was quite the flashy entrance.

Wai: Yes, it was, if perhaps there weren't TWO entrances before it!

CM: Zip it or I'll return you to scrap!

Gebiyl: Hey! HEY! I've got a sweet idea! How about you ALL shut your traps and we get on with my damn wedding!

All The Heroes: NO!

In the resulting verbal fight, Antestarr steps up quietly to Young.

Antestarr: Are you alright?

Young: Physically? Yes. Mentally? Absolutely not...

Antestarr: You did make up your mind though. You wanted to marry him.

Young: I don't know what I want, Antestarr! I think I am pregnant with his child! And if I am, I feel I must be with him.

Antestarr: I already told you, that's impossible. He is still evil. There was not even a trace of goodness on him. Hell, not even his SHADOW was neutral enough to impregnate you. There would have to be some sort of bond with good for that to occur.

Young: You're really sure about this?

Antestarr: Have I been wrong yet?

Young: ... then... I.... I change my mind.

Antestarr: Fair enough.


Gebiyl: Yeah what do YOU want?!

Antestarr: Young has changed her mind. This wedding is called off.

Gebiyl: Oh not you too! That's it, I've had enough! You're all gonna sit down and you're gonna watch us finish this damn marriage!

Gebiyl draws the NeSword, readying himself for some power weilding. However, before that can occur, Antestarr's Darkfoil comes bearing down upon the NeSword.

Antestarr: I apologize, Gebiyl, but this is one of those methods that I cannot let you proceed with. Heroes! I shall hold him while you work your way to the altar!

Wai instantly appears beside Antestarr.

Wai: And I shall assist.

Gebiyl: Two versus one, is it? That might almost be a challenge for the wielder of the NeS!

Meanwhile, at the other end of the chapel, the heroes prepare to bum rush the altar.

Gebiyl: Hey, you flunkies! What the hell you standing there for? Engage them!

The once dull, mindless servants of Gebiyl spring to new life, with increased vigor and speed. They move to block the heroes.

TLTE: Oh good, there will be a bit of action here. I was afraid it was just going to be an anti-climatic ***-kicking of Gebiyl.

TLTE readjusts his trench coat, and cracks his neck. The other heroes proceed to draw their weapons as well. A moment of silence passes, before the loud clang of Darkfoil and NeSword snaps everyone into action.
2007-04-28, 1:24 AM #76
Swords slash! Fists fly! Pistols pop! Rifles roar! Pandemonium envelopes the crowd of civilian wedding-goers as the Heroes and Villains join in battle! Some of the civilians run for the doors, others run for the windows, others sit and rock back and forth catatonically, mumbling "Oh God not again, not again...", others seem to think that this is a free-for-all bar fight, and join in with glee! A wilder scene of chaos there has never been! Well, except for that one time when the Beatles and Elvis got into a gunfight on stage at the exact same moment that an airplane full of clowns crash landed into the middle of the audience, which included a bus-load of people from Coulrophobics Anonymous. That scene currently holds the record, especially after Godzilla showed up. But this one is pretty close!

A chair goes flying past Voodoo Snowflakes's head. She ducks, and the chair connects with Sarn Cadrill's back.

Voodoo: Ooh! Sarn! Are you ok?

Sarn: I'm fine -- look out!

*Sarn punches an evil minion in the face who had been lurking behind Voodoo Snowflakes.*

Voodoo: Thanks, Sarn!

Sarn: What? You will address me as sir, private! How many times do I have to repeat myself? My name is Captain Sran Cadpill!

Voodoo: Oh no, not now...

Sarn: What's this? Are the Vogdorians attacking us again? Quick! Man the phaser banks! Divert power to shields! Fire at will!

An Evil Minion punches Sarn in the jaw. Sarn shakes his head, then points his finger at the Minion.

Sarn: Eat plasma, Vogdorian scum!

Sarn pulls an imaginary trigger and makes a bunch of laser noises. The minion stares at him, confused, until Voodoo Snowflakes drop kicks him in the head. Mean while, TLTE runs by, shooting an AK-47 into the crowd. One of the guests, dressed in a chicken suit, runs by with his tailfeathers on fire.

TLTE: Die, evil minions, die!

Cool Matty thwacks one of the evil minions with his staff, then kicks him in the groin and backhands him across the face, causing him to fall down. A man in a blue pinstriped suit runs past, holding someone's severed arm and using it as a weapon. Cool Matty spots TLTE.

Cool Matty: Dammit, I can't use my magic effectively with all these innocent wedding-goers around! We've got to get them out of here or they'll get hurt!

TLTE stops spraying AK-47 bullets everywhere and looks at Cool Matty.

TLTE: Crap, I forgot about that 'no shooting innocent bystanders' thing. Stupid Russian Spy habits! They're hard to break!

Three Evil Minions jump on TLTE, punching and kicking and biting and pinching. Nearby, an elephant storms past, spraying water on Losien and Morthrandur and stomping on Danny Devito, who had shown up for some reason. Astride the elephant is Mr. T, yelling like crazy and throwing grenades.

Up front, standing on top of the altar for some reason, Antestarr and Gebiyl do battle. NeSword and Darkfoil whip about, connecting and sparking and being generally very impressive. Gebiyl does a backflip off the altar, landing on an Evil Minion. Antestar lunges, pirouetting, then coming down with a mighty backhand slash. Unfortunately, that was the exact moment when the wedding cake made its move. Torrents of flame shoot out of its candles, scorching Ante's buttocks.

Then Godzilla shows up, bursting through the wall and letting loose with his trademark roar. That's when the real pandemonium begins.

Yeah, I think it's definately surpassed that thing with Elvis and the Beatles, now. Whatever will our Heroes do next? For that matter, what will the Villains do next? And what about those annoying shades-of-gray people, what about them? Whose side will they be on? How many badly-dubbed Japanese people will Godzilla eat? Tune in next time for these questions and more!
So sayest the Writer of Silly Things!
2007-04-28, 10:07 AM #77
Antestarr: Take care of this damn cake will you?

Wai, whose sword had been shot out of his hand by a random AK-47 bullet, returns in time and stabs the cake in the third layer

Cake: ! ^$#@&!

Wai: You're gonna be all sorts of bite-size chunks when I'm done with you.

The cake spins around, no longer interested in Antestarr. It fires off razor-sharp icing rose petals at Wai. Wai, with his robotic precision, manages to deflect and cut the rose petals as he dives behind the closest pew.

Elsewhere, Godzilla wrecks havok upon the rear entrance to the chapel. But not moments after the entrance of Godzilla was a loud cry, some heavy metal, and some pistols blaring

Jim7: This party's just getting started!

Jim7, having just burst through what is left of the rear entrance, jumps on the tail of Godzilla, and slides up to the head.

Jim7: So Rent-A-Zilla, ready for an old fashioned ***-kicking?


Mimiru: Did he just say Rent-A-Zilla?

TLTE: Hell if I know.
2007-04-28, 2:19 PM #78
Originally posted by Thrawn[numbarz]
Thrawn42689 jumps on Gebohq, quick to knock him down and lawnmower his face! Then, he beats Godzilla with a tree branch, sticks a corkscrew in Cool Matty's eye, and dives under the table.

Originally posted by roxima
A woman dressed in red walks slowly through an untouched side door. She has an assortment of weapons strapped over and under her fancy dress. She lowers her shot gun slightly as she gazes distastefully at the crowd.

Red/Rick: Well, so much for my big enter-*BAM!*

Random-Civilian Number 12 is launched at Rick and his boot slams into her head. She regains her balance and smacks him with the butt of her shotgun. Random-Civilian Number 12 sprawls out on the ground, out cold.

Rick: *spitting on RC#12* Do you know how long it took me to do my hair?! Ugh… *walks over RC#12 and gives him a little kick in the ribs* Now where's Geb?

She takes a step further and skillfully dodges another thrown Random-Civilian. Sugarless stands where Random-Civilian Number 13 just was.

Sugarless: Uh…the Denny's waitress?

Rick: <_<

Originally posted by Tracer
Cool Matty: Oh God, my eyeball! I can't see!

Thrawn42689: Okay! I'm one bad dude!

*CM runs around in circles screaming and flailing his arms, adding to the general chaos. Nearby, TLTE struggles with the minions.*


*With an epic grunt TLTE flings the minions off of his body and does a slow-motion leap to his feet while simultaneously drawing a submachine gun. Momentarily pausing for effect, he opens fire and riddles the evil minions with bullets.*

Thrawn42689: Ouch! That had to hurt!

Wedding Cake: I AM THE CAKE

Wai: Yikes!

*Wai twists and dodges another volley of cake-related projectiles. The wedding cake opens its gaping jaw and eats several random bystanders.*

Wedding Cake: CAKE

Thrawn42689: Oh mama! This cake is out of control!

TLTE: Excuse me. Do you want to be involved? Because I'm about to make that happen.

Thrawn42689: I just want to deliver the snappy commentary.

*Before TLTE can reply he is trampled to the floor by a gigantic lobster.*

Thrawn: Boom! Lobsterated!

Wedding Cake: BAKED GOODS

Wai: Little help here?

Sarn: Don't worry, friendly robot. I never fought an alien space-cake that wasn't crippled by a secret weakness...and strangely delicious...

Wai: What's the weakness? Tell me!

Sarn: ...with icing...and sprinkles...

Wai: This isn't helping!

Sarn: ...and ice cream...

Thrawn42689: That's one tasty cake!

Sarn: That it is, my friend. That it is.

Voodoo: Look out!

*Voodoo grabs Sarn and dives to the ground just in time to avoid being crushed by Godzilla's tail.*

Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
Sarn regains his feet, brushing imaginary dust from his jacket.

Sarn: You know it's a federal offence to touch a Captain.

Voodoo rolls her eyes.[/iu]

Sarn: I'll let it slide just this once. Now then. We need to devise a plan. Luckily, I'm very experienced in these sorts of tussels, and I have devised a strategy. It's worked quite well in the past. What we'll do is divide into firetea-

Sarn, lost in his own train of thought is slugged in the face by a random overly-cliched minion. He goes down again. TLTE yells from across the hall.

TLTE: Sarn, there isn't time for that. Just kill anyone you don't know.

The overly-cliched minion stands over Sarn, brandishing a Samauri sword.

Overly-Cliched Minion: And now, you will DIE.

The overly-cliched minion thrust downwards with the sword. Sarn rolls to one side and sweep kicks the minion. The minion falls to the ground. Sarn quickly rolls to his feet.

Sarn: Ha! Thought you could best me, did you? You're nothing but an extra. You can't hurt a Captain. Don't you know anything about story conventions?

Sarn draws his imaginary laser pistol.


The minion looks up blankly.

Overly-Cliched Minion: What the hell are you doing?

Sarn: My pistol! It seems to have no efect.

Voodoo: Your pistol is uhh, out of charge, uhh Captain. Just stomp on his face.

Sarn: Ok then. Sarn performs an overly-dramatic stomping in the direction of the minion's face. Because the move is so stylized, the minion dodges the attack easily and climbs to his feet.

Sarn: What? How'd you dodge that? You're just an extra! You don't even have a name!

Minion: Well.. Actually, my name is Jeff.

Sarn: Damnit. He does have a name. This will be more difficult than I thought. Very well, Jeff, now we will end this.

Jeff: Indeed.

Jeff lunges for Sarn, his blade moving in a fury. Sarn chuckles and deftly dodges between the slashes. He pops Jeff a good one in the nose. Jeff staggers back.

Sarn: Did you think you could best me? As a Captain, I have years of military training, and am well versed in a multitude of unarmed and armed combat techniques.

Sarn grins smugly. Jeff sidestepps, and slaps Sarn in the rear with the side of the sword blade.

Sarn: Bad form, Sir!

Jeff snickers.

Voodoo: Kitty!

In a moment of distraction, Voodoo squeals like a excited little girl when she sees Morris the Cat.

Morris hisses.

Rent-a-zilla: WRAAAAAAAA!

Voodoo: Ooh! Big Kitty!
Originally posted by Vincent Valentine
A small fly hovers near the refreshment table. Cookies, fruit, pastries... he passes them all by. Nothing seems to interest him. He leaves the table, and continues his search on the floor. His bug-eyes spot a shape in the distance, and he heads toward it, his tiny wings beating faster and faster in anticipation. And then it finally comes into focus: a discarded piece of delicious wedding cake. He lands on it, his tiny feet leaving equally tiny footprints in the sweet, sticky frosting. He pokes around for the perfect place to begin, and then spits a fat globule of saliva onto the cake and waits. His bug-eyes scan the distance for any shapes that might interfere. After a moment or two, he pokes the spit with his proboscis, and slurps up the liquified cake. He his nearly overcome with pure ecstasy.

He eats as much as he can take of the delicious, living cake. Then, fat and full, hovers out an open window and flies into the distance.

Originally posted by Zecks
Zecks blinks, once then again. A chaotic scene of a church is all around him. Somehow, he has gone from the chaotic bar fight to what looks to be a chaotic wedding fight. He ducks under the pew he is sitting in. Godzilla comes crashing towards him. Zecks gets up, sidesteps, and sticks his foot out. Godzilla comes crashing down, toppling onto a number of innocent bystanders.

Zecks: Now, how can I get out of here?

Zecks runs, avoiding gunfire. He locates the nearest exit sign, runs towards it, and finds the door shut and locked. He turns around, looking for another. He spots a fire extinguisher nearby. He runs over to it, grabs it, and starts spraying everyone around him. As the cannister empties, he begins to knock people in the head with it.

Zecks: Well, that'll help some. Now what?

Zecks runs off, again, looking for some way out.

Originally posted by Steven
Throughout the chaos, the wedding party failed to notice the small fly that had lighted on the wedding cake. The fly didn't seem to care as it consumed it's weight in delicious frosting. The fly was quite impressed with the cake as it slowly flew away, burdened down by the weight of sugary goodness.

The cake was a large cake, composed of three tiers of white, vanilla cake, with a pink, strawberry icing. It had white ruffles along the edges, and stood nearly 7 feet tall. It was quite impressive, as far as cakes go. It was the kind of cake that could be more than just an ordinary wedding cake. There are thousands of wedding cakes made each year. Thousands of wedding cakes are painstakingly created, with agaonizing attention to detail, then carelessly cut to little pieces and consumed by drunk wedding goers. But this wedding cake was completely unlike of those other wedding cakes.

There are many different types of wedding cakes. Most are simple, made with vanilla cake, white icing, little plastic couples on the top. They are two tier, three tier, or, for the lavishly rich, four tier. There are square cakes, round cakes, cakes with fruit, cakes with no fruit, or sugar-free cakes for those who are required to live a sugar-free lifestyle, which is unfortunate, as these type of sugar-free cakes seldom taste very appealing, and lend to the overall detriment of the wedding cake experience.

Wedding cakes are traditionally quite expesive, as they baking process is laborious and time consuming. Most cakes are testament to the talent and skill of the baker. A wedding cake is a monument to the ability of the skilled culinary sculpter, and it often to the dismay of the baker than the cake is so quickly and unceremoniously consumed. A baker spends a good deal of time on a wedding cake. Many people say the most important ingredient in a wedding cake, beside the baking powder, is love. Many people say love is the most important part of the process, as the love the baker shows toward his creation is the key element that contributes to the overall beauty and grandeur of the wedding cake. The type of people who say this are usually the same kind of people who believe in all sorts of other foolish nonsense, and their opinion should and usually is discounted.

Fortunately for the wedding party, this particular cake simply that, a wedding cake. It had been briefly inhabited by the spirit of an ancient, slain alien monster, but for now it seemed to be realtively stable. Unfortunately, however, the plastic bride-and-groom topper was far from ordinary.

The little figurines of Geb and Young were not typical figures. Typical figurines are small, and cute, often displaying a happy expresion or a humorous insight into the couple's personalities. These particular figurines, however, were not typical.

The facility that makes little plastic figurines is located in an industrial area outside of Portland, Oregon. The plastic figurines are pressed from a mold, painted, then shipped off to wedding cake bakers around the world. The little figurines were made of 100% recycled plastic, a fact which the Plastic Wedding Figurine and Easter Egg Manufacturing Corporation marketing directors were very proud of, and often included in their advertisements. Most figurines were formerly drinking straws, tupperware, compact discs, and soda bottles. The plastic was cleaned, examined for imperfections or evil spirits, then melted down, shaped to the form of a bride and a groom holding hands, (or, occasionally, a groom and groom holding hands, as was the case of Geb's previous wedding) and used in a wedding ceremony.

The figurines in place on Geb's cake today, however, were not made from soda bottles or old AOL discs, but of something entirely different, something dangerous. Something evil.

The Plastic Wedding Figurine and Easter Egg Manufacturing Corporation production foreman first noticed something odd about those particular figurines, wrote a formal report, but the report was lost in piles of paperwork. Should his report have been read, a great disaster could have been avoided. The Plastic Wedding Figurine and Easter Egg Manufacturing Corporation foreman had a suspicion that the Geb and Young figurines were not made of old drinking straws or VHS tapes of the 1983 Superbowl, but of something much more sinister.

Originally posted by landfish
landfish enters

landfish shifteyes


landfish 'SPLODES

Originally posted by Michael MacFarlane
A slim, brown-haired man, dressed oddly for a wedding in black jeans and a steel-blue T-shirt reading "Si Puedes Leer Esto, No Necesitas Anteojos" with a suit coat the only concession made to formality, dodges blows amid the brawl with a fluidity and prescience that can only be described as... pure luck. He draws back a champagne bottle to swing at an attacker, only to break it over the head of another man about to plunge a dessert fork into his back. Allowing himself an exaggerated shrug amid the unfolding chaos, he leaps onto a table, kicking its elaborate centerpiece into the face of his first adversary.

"You see?" he shouts to no one in particular. "This is why I hate going to weddings!"

The brown-haired man pauses.

"I think," he adds uncertainly.

No sooner has he finished this proclamation when the expensive tablecloth is pulled from under his feet. The table splits as he hits it, glasses thrown in every direction, shattering. He rolls onto his stomach, his hand instinctively darting to his right hip as he hears bullets whistle overhead.

"I guess I don't carry one of those," he mutters a moment later. "Live and learn."

Struggling to his feet, he glances in the direction from which the bullets came, not particularly caring where they've gone. Through the crowd he can see a man holding off dozens of minions -- and more than one enraged bridesmaid -- with a submachine gun. Their eyes meet, just for a split second --

Who are you? It's all the thin man can think. He knows this man, and at the same time has no idea who he is.

Suddenly panicked, he bolts. Picking his way through the crowd with surprising speed, looking for an exit. He has to get out, but he doesn't know why.

Originally posted by sugarless
Sugarless runs in on Cool Matty chasing the Cake, waving an axe wildly over his head

sugarless: STOP! NO! DON'T HURT IT!!

Cool Matty stops in his tracks and turns around to stare at her in disbelief. The Cake takes this oppurtunity to shoot a laser into his butt

Cool Matty: You've got to be kiding me!

sugarless: Not at all.

Cool Matty: This is no ordinary cake, sugarless, this has to be stopped.

sugarless: Cool Matty, it just needs a little love!

The Cake now stops and stares in disbelief at sugarless

sugarless: Come with me, Cake.

The Cake looks appealingly at CM. The look seems to say "Don't make me go with the cazy lady

CM: Don't look at me, you've been trying to kill me

sugarless: Don't be rediculous, it's been trying to hurt you. If it wanted to kill you, you'd be dead now-

CM: Are you trying to tell me I can't take on a giant CAKE?!

sugarless: -it just wnats attention and love.

Cut to scenes of sugarless and Cake cuddling on the couch -

CM: wait, woudln't she just get sticky?

AHEM. Froliking in a field and picnicing at the park. All of the sudden, Cake shoots a laser at a random passerby

sugarless: CAKE!

Cake: I can't take it anymore! I'm not nice!

CM: The Cake talks too?

sugarless: I know you're not.

Cake: What?

sugarless: It's not in your nature to be nice. You're a demonic, possessed cake.

Cake: But.... all this time...

sugarless: I wanted to give you some time to just enjoy life. I didn't know how long it could last, but I wanted to give you at least that.

sappy music cues as with tears in their eyes, sugarless and Cake clasp hands and seperate. Cake waits only a minute before reverting back to his demonic self. As lasers fly everywhere, sugarless takes a deep breath and...


CM: HOLY ****! Sugarless just took an axe to the cake!

cake bits and icing go flying as the cake shudders and goes still


sugarless: What?! You were going to kill it earlier!

CM: Yeah but I didn't frolic with it.

sugarless: I had to, it was going to kill us all!

CM: I could have taken it!

sugarless: Because you were doing so well before.

CM: Well what do we do now?

sugarless: well I don't know about you, but I know what I'm going to do.

sugarless plops down right beside the cake and digs in. Cool Matty watches in wonder and horror as the cake dissappears before his eyes.

CM: aren't you diabetic or something?

sugarless: Oh yeah!

sugarless goes to her insulin pump and pumps a whole messload of insulin into herself until...


sugarless: uh oh.

CM: What now?

sugarless: Um. I'm out of insulin.

dun dun dunnnnnn

Originally posted by Semievil333
(NSP: A Sem-Geb collaboration. Mostly Sem.)

Elsewhere, nearby but un-noticed against the foreground of chaos…

Sem: I now pronounce you man and wife!

Morthrandur: Hey, that’s my job—

Sem: Too late, they’re married, it’s officially over! Qhobeg, you may kiss the bride.

Qhobeg: What? Oh. Awesome.

Qhobeg and Young lock lips in a kiss of Princess Bride caliber, triggering a wedding fanfare.

*cue record-stopping noise as everyone notices*

Gebiyl: Wait… what? What just happened?

Young: Qhobeg and I got married while everyone else was distracted.

Gebiyl: You can’t marry him! He’s the best man!

Ares: Wait, you said I was the best man!

Gebiyl: That was just to make you stop your infernal whining. Clearly in order to be the best man, nothing less than a clone of my perfect self would do.

Ares: What, a friggin god wasn’t good enough for you? I hate you! I hope you die!

Ares flies into a fit of emofury and manifests a flaming door with his godly powers just to slam it repeatedly in Gebiyl’s face.

Ante: So you guys went through the whole wedding ceremony, and nobody noticed?

Sem: Well we had some people who will never be named or credited in any way from the guest list serve as witnesses, because all the other characters seemed kind of busy.

Young: And violent. I already had one wedding ruined today, I wasn’t going to invite a psychotic laser-cake to the second one.

She indicates the frosting and mayhem around them. On a random note, Maybechild and Subaru can be seen trying to stabilize Sugarless.

Qhobeg: You’re sure this is all legit now?

Sem: Definitely. In fact, this might have been the only way this story arc could possibly have gone down. We all know she can’t marry evil-Geb, unless he turned to good, because the heroes have to win when we all go back to NeS. But evil-Geb can’t turn good, because while we’re here, he’s the hero, and that would make him lose. And since we’re here, evil-Geb has to end up with the girl, because that’s what happens to heroes. Except Link, because Zelda is a rotten prude.

Gebiyl (finally getting around Ares’ door): But I didn’t end up with the girl!

Ante: But your clone did. And your clone is you. Except that when we take them back to NeS, he’ll be a clone of Geb again. Evil triumphs in NeShattered, Good reigns in NeS!

Gebiyl: How do you figure?

Sem: Qhobeg is a clone of the hero known as Gebohq. In NeS, that’s the original, here that’s you.

Qhobeg: I’m not sure that cloning works that way.

Sem: It probably doesn’t. But because this solution solves the overarching conditions of heroes winning in what would otherwise be mutually contradictory circumstances, I’m sure the story will let it slide. After all, the alternative would be to seriously advance the plot in some fashion. We all know that’s not gonna happen.

Young slaps Sem so hard that everyone else gathered around flinches.

Young: This is my wedding! It has to change the plot somehow.

Ante: You weren’t around when we were all transfigured into Yodas. You’d never know it, but we were all short, long eared and wrinkly once. Trust me, these things pass. Once this is all over, one, maybe two posts on, nobody’s even going to remember you’re married. I bet that cake is gonna be a recurring villain though.

Sem: Actually if my calculations are correct, I think it’s gonna be a hero when we get back…

Gebiyl: No way! I totally claim the cake as a future henchman. Screw your math. In fact, screw you all!

Evil Geb attempts to edit the story, but with no apparent success.

Sem: Ah…story conventions for the win.

Gebiyl: Fuq. Well, uh… I’m still going to marry her! I’m evil! She can be married to multiple people, especially if they’re the same person! And nobody’s going to stop me without a fight!

Otter: Huh?

Ariana: I didn’t get it either.

Otter: No, I just wasn’t paying attention. What’d I miss? And where’s good Geb?

Antestarr: Uh… ;>.>

Gebiyl’s shadow facepalms.
2007-05-04, 11:21 PM #79
Originally posted by Krig the Viking
Gebiyl: Wait a second -- of course! Hah!

Gebiyl reaches out and grabs Qhobeg by the arm, and suddenly morphs to look exactly like him. Actually, since Qhobeg is Geb's clone, he doesn't change much, except his clothes become all camo-pants-and-black-t-shirt, and his one eye becomes all white and clouded over.

Gebiyl: Ah-hah! Now you can't tell which one is really married to her!

Gebiyl grabs Qhobeg's and twirls the two of them around, until nobody can tell who is who.

Qhobeg 1: Hey! Cut that out!

Qhobeg 2: What? No, you cut that out!

Qhobeg 1: I'm the real Qhobeg!

Qhobeg 2: No, I'm the real Qhobeg! Young is my wife!

Qhobeg 1: Honey?

Young: Uhhh...

Just then, Godzilla shoots lasers at the crowd, and the previously stilled riot starts up again. The two Qhobegs start fighting as Young looks on in confusion.

Cool Matty: So... what do we do now?

TLTE: Simple. The only thing we can do.

TLTE runs away. Cool Matty looks confused, as the intrepid Russian is not known for running away. However, TLTE reappears on a balcony high above, holding a rope.

TLTE: For the motherland!

TLTE swoops down on the rope, swinging past the battling Qhobegs, grabbing Young, and landing on a balcony across the room.

Cool Matty: Oh, right. Rescue the person we came here to rescue. I guess that makes sense.

Qhobeg 1: Rescue? More like kidnapping!

Qhobeg 2: Hey! I'm the one who should be doing the kidna -- I mean -- Hey! My wife!

And the chase is on! Will the Qhobegs catch up to TLTE and Young? Will the other heroes catch up to the Qhobegs and figure out who is who? Does Young even want to be rescued? What is the square root of yellow? Inquiring minds want to know!

Qhobeg: Wait, you can see?

Cool Matty: It's a miracle!
Originally posted by Sarn_Cadrill
Meanwhile, in a slightly different section of the sanctuary, Sarn and Jeff are locked in a life or death struggle. Jeff lunges deadly with his samauri sword, and Sarn deftly deflects the blow with a gleaming salad fork.

Sarn: Wow, I must say, for a minor character, you're pretty good with your sword.

Voodoo, still looking on snickers.

Jeff: Ha, you egotistical Son of a Whoozit. Your fork-handling skills are no match for my prowess at the Samauri.

Voodoo: Son of a Whoozit? Jeff's a retard, Sarn. Kick his ***.

Sarn: That's Captain Cadpill, to you, ensign.

Sarn ducks under a swipe intended to dislodge his head and stabs his fork [fatally] up into Jeff's thigh.

Jeff: OWWW! Curse you, Captain!

Jeff turns aside. The fork remains lodged into his leg, roughly six inches north of his kneecap.

Sarn: Ha! Didn't even see the ole "Duck under the swordblade and ram a fork into the thigh" manouver. Amateur.

Jeff: Ahh, but now, Captain. You are defenseless. And now... You will die.

Jeff thrusts violently with the samauri. Sarn dive rolls to one side. However, his graceful roll is caught up short as he kareems off of a solid object.

Sem: What the hel- Sarn? What are you still doing fighting?

Sem rubs his sore spot on his calf where Sarn had collided. Sarn lies on his back and stares up at Sem sheepishly. Sugarless lies on the floor, stabalized from her diabetic seziere, but still weak. Jeff stands a few feet off, samauri in hand and fork still lodged into the [fatal] wound.

Sarn: Eh?

Jeff: Wha? What happened to the tussle?

Sem: We're trying to figure out what to do about that.

Sem points to the front of the room, where the two Qhobegs are waving their fists at TLTE and Young on the balcony. Sarn climbs to his feet, brushes himself off, and stares thoughtfully towards the two Qhobegs. He is silent for a moment. The others look on in anticipation. Suddenly a flicker of something flashes in Sarn's eyes.

Sarn: There's two of them!

Sem: Uhh.. Yeah.

S. Geb's Shadow: *facepalm*

Sarn: Well then... This clearly calls for extreme measures. Luckily, as an interplanetary Captain, I've been trained in exactly what to do in this situation. We'll divide our group into Firete-

Sarn trails off. His brow wrinkles in confusion.

Sarn: What was I saying?

Sem: You were just about to tell us your brilliant plan, Sir.

Sarn: Why would I have a plan? Ask CoolMatty or The Last True Evil. They're the leader types. And what the hell are you calling me "Sir" for anyway? You trying to turn me into my father or someth- What the hell happned to CoolMatty's eye?

CM: What are you talking about? I can see fine.

Sarn: Umm, well that's impressive since there's a screwdriver sticking out of your face.

CM feels around his face with one hand. His fingers come to rest on the screwdriver.

CM: Oh right. I'd forgotten about that.

Sem: How the hell exactly do you forget about a screwdriver rammed into your optical cavity?

CM: Magic, Sem.

CM waves his hand across his face. There's a small, quick flash of light and the screwdriver disappears along with any sign of damage. CoolMatty stumbles, but catches himself against Ariana, who happens to be standing nearby.

CM: Whew, that was quite a battle. I'm rather tired.

Sem: Umm.. Guys? We still need to do something about that.

Sem points towards the two Qhobeg's once more.

Ariana: Wait a second... We've been standing here chatting like old pals for like 5 minutes. Why the hell hasn't anything happened?

Sarn: Story conventions, Ari. Don't you know anything abo-

Jeff takes the oppurtunity to thrust his sword through Sarn's midsection from behind, then he staggers back and falls over stone dead.

Voodoo: Sarn!

Ariana: ...How the hell is Jeff dead? He's got a fork in his thigh. My grandmother would live through that.

Yes, but it was a fatal fork wound.

Ariana: You didn't say anything about it being fatal before.

Sure, I did. Go back and look.

Ariana: Wha? That's cheating!

Voodoo: Ahem! Guys, Sarn's in trouble here.

Voodoo kneels over Sarn, who rests on his side, breathing shallowly, samauri sword still lodge through his stomach.

Voodoo: Sarn... Are you ok?

Sarn: So.. tired. I think I'm dying... I see an angel.

Sarn touches Voodoo's face gently, leaving a smear of blood on her cheek.

Sarn: You're so beautiful, my angel.

A tear wells up in Voodoo's eye. She takes Sarn's hand in both of hers and presses it to her chest.

Voodoo: You're not dying, sweetie. You'll be ok. CoolMatty, can't you patch him up?

CM: I can try. I'm not a god damned magical vending machine. I'm tired, and healing is hardly my cup of tea.

Voodoo: Try.

Voodoo glares at CoolMatty.

CM: I'm sorry, Voodoo. I'll do what I can.

Sarn: Voodoo... Something... have to tell you. Not sure... might not... get... another chance.

Voodoo: Don't talk like that... You're gonna be fine. CoolMatty's gonna patch you right up.

CoolMatty leans down on the other side of Sarn. He places his hands against the wound.

CM: Sarn, this is going to hurt a bit. I'm afraid I don't have the strength for finesse right now.

Sarn: Voodoo, I... I love you. Don't let... me go.

Voodoo leans over and kisses Sarn softly on the forehead.

Voodoo: Be strong, Sweetie. I love you too, and I'm staying right here.

CM closes his eyes. His jaw tenses in concentration as his hands begin to glow faintly. He reopens his eyes.

CM: Sarn. I need you to look at me. You're going to have to help me.

Sarn's eyes meet CoolMatty's for a moment, then fall away. His eyelids flutter closed.

CM: Damnit! Sarn! LOOK AT ME!

CoolMatty grabs Sarn's head in both hands and props it up. Sarn opens his eyes. They look glazed.

Sarn: It hurts...

CM: Stay with me, buddy. Are you ready?

Sarn's eyes seem to clear up. He blinks once, and then again, and grimaces.

Sarn: CoolMatty. I'm with you. Do it quick.

CoolMatty pushes Sarn over onto his stomache, the hilt of the sword sticking upwards. He waves his hands over the swordhilt and mutters something incomprehensible. Then throws his hands upward and rises to his feet in one swift motion. As he does the sword blade rips itself from Sarn's body. It flies, as if thrown, upwards and backwards behind CoolMatty, where it lodges itself, blade first, into the wall. Focused on Sarn, the other's do not notice as Voodoo gasps and nearly loses her balance.

CoolMatty kneels back down and presses his hands firmly to the wound in Sarn's stomach. A breeze seems to ruffle his hair and clothing, though none of the other heroes feel it. Sarn's eyes close.

CoolMatty groans. He and Voodoo both fall backward and lie flat on their backs, eyes closed. Sarn opens his eyes.

Sarn: Guys? I think it worked. I feel much better.

Sem kneels over CoolMatty.

Sem: CM, you ok, man?

CoolMatty's chest rises and falls slowly. He opens his eyes. He responds in a weak voice.

CM: I'll be fine. I'm used to pushing myself to the limit. Check on Sarn. Most of the power came from him.

Sem glances over at Sarn, who is standing to his feet.

Sem: He's fine... Looks like he could run a marathon.

CM: I... don't understand. He should weak, nearly dead. How is he standi-

Sarn: Voodoo!

Sarn notices Voodoo lying on her back. Her eyes are closed and she doesn't appear to be breathing. He kneels over her.

Sarn: You silly girl. What did you do?

CM: Well now. That's interesting.

Sem: What? What just happened?

CM: The power of that magic was not Sarn's at all. It makes sense. I was not expecting such potent results...

Sem: What are you saying?

CM: It appears that Voodoo channeled her energy through him. This is remarkable. Has she had any formal training?

Sem: I don't... think so.

Sarn: Is she... Will she be alright?

CoolMatty leans across and feels for Voodoo's pulse.

CM: She should pull through. Though it will take her some time to fully recover. You owe her your life, Sarn. If not for her, you'd likely be dead. The wound would still have healed, but the process would have sucked the life from your weakened body.

Sarn looks up in wonder.

Sarn: You did this to her. You should have let me die.

CM: I expected you to. I used as much of my power as I could... But I thought I was drawing the rest of the energy from you.

Voodoo stirs. Her eyes open.

Voodoo: Sarn. You... You made it.

Sarn: I'll be fine. Why did you do that? ...You could have died.

Voodoo: I don't know... what I did... But... couldn't let you die... You're the only thing that's real to me.

TLTE swings down from the balcony with Young in his arms and lands amongst the other heroes. The two Qhobeg's turn toward them.

Ariana: Wow, what convenient timing...

Shut up.

Qhobeg 1: Young, sweetie. Come to me my bride.

Qhobeg 2: Don't listen to him. He's an imposter!

The two Qhobeg's advance towards our group of heroes.

[This message has been edited by The Narrator]

Originally posted by roxima
Rick watches the whole scene from a few feet away. When the two Qhobegs begin to advance, she shakes off her trace-like state.

Rick: What?! Was I just standing there the whole time?

Quesadilla, the writer: >.>

Rick: v_v;;

Quesadilla, the writer: Anyways…

Without much stealth, Rick walks closer to the group of heroes. She watches both Qhobegs for a second, trying to deduce which is her target. Her waitressing background proves viable as virtually no one takes notice of her. To most of the group, she's supposed to be there and don't think anything of it, much like one wouldn't think anything of a bird on a wire.

Rick: *taps her foot impatiently* Ugh…I give up. I don't have time for this anymore. First there are three of them, then there were Pound Puppies, then there were two, and now I'm going into a meaningless monologue with myself. *pauses* Um…*looks around and sees no one has really noticed her yet* Okay…let's get this over with then.

Rick sheaths her shotgun into some makeshift strap on her back seemingly at the same time she pulls out two pistols from the holsters on her thighs. She sets aim, pulls the triggers…

*Suddenly, Sok Monkey kicks open the door!*

Sok Monkey: Freeze!

*Nobody listens.*

Sok Monkey: Don't move!

*The rampage continues.*

Sok Monkey: I have a gun!

*Sok fires a few warning shots into the ceiling.*

Cool Matty: The wedding's been crashed like twelve times already. It's just not that special anymore.

Sok Monkey: Oh.

*Sok notices Sarn.*

Sok Monkey: Hi Sarn. Hey, thanks for leaving me in the depths of Shattered Gebohq's Evil Place of Power. Fortress.

Sarn: Er...

Sok Monkey: I had to fight my way past the many indescribable horrors that stalk the depths of that terrible labyrinth, but whatever. I made it.

Sarn: Sorry. I guess I forgot about you.

Sok Monkey: Really. You mean the whole episode with the age-defying pool slipped your mind?

*Sarn shrugs.*

Sok Monkey: It was right after you killed the giant tentacle monster.

Sarn: Giant who now?

Qhobeg 1: Unhand my wife!

Qhobeg 2: Me first!

*Their slow but menacing advance almost complete, the Qhobegs loom over Young and the heroes.*

Cool Matty: Quick! They're both after Young! I'd do something but I'm too tired!

*Sok Monkey aims his machine gun at the pair.*

Young: No, wait!

Sok Monkey: Why?

Young: In all the confusion I got married to Qhobeg insteady of Gebyil a.k.a. Evil and-slash-or Shattered Geb -

*Sok Monkey swings his rifle around like a baseball bat and clobbers both Qhobegs, knocking them unconcious.*

Sok Monkey: Well, let's just take both of them and get the boring details later.

Young: Take them where?

TLTE: Back to NeS, I presume.

Sok Monkey: Correct.

Sarn: And just how are you going to pull that off? Ride into the sunset on a magical jellybean pony?

*Sok Monkey reaches into his combat vest and pulls out a signal flare.*

Sok Monkey: Before I was just some crazy guy who you all thought was dead, but now I'm an intergalactic spacetime commando! With this flare I can signal the dropship and call for immediate dustoff.

TLTE: When did you learn to do that?

Sok Monkey: Earlier. And that's all I have to say on the matter.

*Springing forth from his hiding place, Thrawn42689 appears.*

Thrawn42689: Holy Moses!

*Sok Monkey beats Thrawn over the head.*

Sok Monkey: We'll bring him too.

Young: Why? He's not important at all.

Sok Monkey: Look, I said I wasn't interested in your life story okay?
Originally posted by Gebohq
Otter: Well, that was something of an anti-climax. Not that this would be the first time these sort of major events have fallen short of dramatic. It's not like we're in a story or something -- oh wait, we are!

Sok Munkey: No one wants to hear your life story either. Let's get out of here before someone suspects something amiss with all this.

TLTE: What?

Sok Munkey: Get the girl.

The Last True Evil narrows his eyes at Sok Munkey, before taking Young by the hand. The other hero-types chatter among themselves as they make for the exit. Sok Munkey walks behind Semievil, surepticiously raises his gun upwards...


The Last True Evil tackles Sok Munkey to the ground.

Semievil: What the hell?

Sok Munkey: DAMNIT! So close. I would have killed your undead ***!

Semievil: Hey! I'm not undead! Just big-boned...

Mimiru: You could have fooled me.

Sarn: I thought you were a good guy.

Sok Munkey: I am! You all are the bad guys!

Sarn: What?

Sok Munkey: Remember? The whole "leaving me behind" deal? More than once?!

Semievil: He makes good points. We are technically the bad guys right now, and we have left him behind twice now, at least. But come on! What the hell? Killin' me ain't cool.

Sok Munkey: I'll show you what's not cool!

Sok Munkey charges at Semievil, but before anyone can react, Godzilla charges through and eats Sok Munkey whole. Godzilla continues by, reeking havoc in the chaos still proceeding throughout the wedding hall.

Semievil: ...ok then. Let's get the Geb-types and head out, I guess.

Otter: Hey, is that the waitress from Denny's over by them?

Ricky/Red: ;>.>

The two Qhobeg's start to regain consciousness.

Qhobeg 1: What happened...?

Qhobeg 2: Ugh... did some deus ex machina screw with my plot? Er, I mean, where's my wifey-wife?

The shadow on the second Qhobeg suddenly leaps upon its own physical body.

Qhobeg 2: GAH! What the--GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Ricky, the Otter, and the others watch with confusion as the second Qhobeg appears to be fighting with himself.

HOLY COW, WHAT'S GOING ON??? Find out in the next post, or get MORE CONFUSED!!!

*The heroes watch dumbfounded as Qhobeg #2 beats himself up.*

Otter: Wow, just like in Fight Club! I am Jack'

*Otter struggles to come up with a good Fight Club joke. Meanwhile, Qhobeg smashes his head against the wall.*


Cool Matty: Shouldn't somebody do something?

Semievil: I'm good.

TLTE: Likewise.

Sarn: Beam him straight to sickbay!

Cool Matty: ...alright then.

Qhobeg #1: Thank goodness! With him distracted we can finally make good our escape!

Semievil: Not so fast. We still can't trust either of you.

Qhobeg #1: But I'm the real Qhobeg! Ask me something only Qhobeg would know!

Semievil: Alright, I'm thinking.

*Semievil sits down to think of a good test question while Qhobeg #2 punches himself in the face. In the background the brawl continues.*

Qhobeg #1: Could you hurry up?

Cool Matty: Hey, don't rush him. This isn't an easy question.

Qhobeg #1: It's just that this riot is starting to reach ridiculous proportions.

*Accentuating his point, a series of cruise missiles explode against the fortress walls, throwing the combatants to the ground.*

Qhobeg #1: Okay, seriously! This is too much!

Cool Matty: He might have a point, Sem.

*Thrawn42689 comes to and is greeted by the strange visage of Qhobeg #2 bashing his head in with a block of wood.*

Thrawn42689: Ha ha, I am Jack's sense of complete self-loathing!

Otter: No, that was my joke! Mine!

Thrawn42689: Who are you?

Otter: You stole my line! Nobody out-jokes the jokester!

Thrawn4289: Are you some kind of comedian?

Otter: You better belive it, buddy! You just made yourself a powerful enemy!

Miramu: Okay, take it easy -

Otter: A powerful enemy!
Originally posted by Krig the Viking
In the Evil Cathedral sanctuary, the riot is winding down. Bodies litter the area, flopped over splintered pews, hanging from the chandeliers, and a surprising amount hanging by their underpants on coathooks (thanks to a crazed Mr. T). A few fights continue half-heartedly. Godzilla lies on the floor passed out behind the altar. A singed and smoking clown rides by on a tiny bicycle.

By the main sanctuary doors, a group of Heroes and others are clustered. Semievil is sitting on the ground, trying to think of a good question for Qhobeg to prove that he's really Qhobeg. Qhobeg is standing nearby, tapping his foot impatiently, being watched over by Cool Matty and Mimiru just in case he really is the evil one. Nearby them is Sarn Cadrill, carrying in his arms an unconcious Voodoo Snowflakes. The Otter and Thrawn42689 are standing there, staring each other down in a comically menacing fasion. Gebohq is rolling around on the ground, trying to put himself in a headlock. The mysterious Denny's waitress, Red, is standing near him, watching the fight. Maybechild and Subaru are supporting Sugarless, who is slowly gaining strength. The Last True Evil is talking to that little orphan brat, what's his name, Abu? Allen? Amal, right, that's it. Amal. Ariana, Antestarr, and Losien are also present. The Last True Evil looks around.

TLTE: Hey, wait a minute -- where is Young?

Qhobeg: Oh no! My beloved! She's gone!

Gebohq: What?

Cool Matty: Hey! He no longer looks like Qhobeg!

Qhobeg: Hah! That proves I'm me!

Semievil: Ok, I think I've got the perfect question. Only Qhobeg would... oh. Nuts.

Gebohq stands up, hands on hips.

Gebohq: Hah! Finally! Hey guys, I'm back!

The Last True Evil grabs Geb by his shirt and shakes him violently.

TLTE: Where is Young, you evil *******!?

Geb: Woa, woa, wait, I'm not evil anymore! I took my body back and kicked Gebiyl out!

Qhobeg: No no, you're doing it all wrong, allow me.

Qhobeg pushes The Last True Evil away and grabs Geb by the shirt and shakes him.

Qhobeg: Where the hell is my wife, you sadistic SOB? Tell me or I'll shake you even harder!

Just then, a wicked gleam comes over Qhobeg's eyes.

Qhobeg: No no no, stupid, that's not how you intimidate someone! Let me show you!

Geb: Guys, really, I'm not--

Qhobeg grabs Geb's pinky finger and twists it. Geb squeals like a girl and dances around in pain, trying to get away from Qhobeg's grip.

Cool Matty: Hey... you're not asking him any questions...

Qhobeg: Oh, that was just for fun. Now, I have business... elsewhere. Buahahahahaha!

Qhobeg runs away. The others stare at him as he makes his way past the slumbering Godzilla, still laughing maniacly.

Cool Matty: So, um... what?


Red fires her pistol at Geb, who dives behind a broken pew.

Geb: Seriously! I'm Good Geb! Evil Geb is gone!

Red/Ricky: Really?


Cool Matty: Don't you think we should wait and try to figure out if he's telling the truth?

Red/Ricky: No.


Geb: Ahh! Listen to the man, he speaks wisdom!

Just then, a massive explosion rips through the lobby area of the cathedral, leaving a smoking hole in the wall. Through the smoke strides a powerful figure, clad in the Stars and Stripes...

The Patriot: I'm crashing this party!

Antestarr: Seriously guys, this was an open-invitation wedding. You can't crash something you've been invited to, it just doesn't work that way!

Cool Matty: Yeah, plus, my entrance was way cooler.

The Patriot: Where is The Last True Evil?

Losien: Oh, he's right over... um...

Maybechild: Where did TLTE go?

TLTE is missing! Did he go to try and find Young? Did he follow Qhobeg? Does he have some clever plan to defeat the Patriot? Or did he just step out for a bathroom break? THE SHADOW KNOWS!

Cool Matty: So you were killed, reincarnated as Gebiyl's shadow and then underwent a mystical inner struggle which resulted in Evil Geb becoming the shadow.

Gebohq: Yep!

Semievil: Well this has been a strange and disturbing turn of events.

Cool Matty: I'm really starting to hate it here. When can we leave crazy land and go back to happy land?

*Geb shrugs*

Gebohq: I guess pretty much any time.

Young: I don't think so. At least, I'm not going anywhere without my husband.

Cool Matty: Look at the big picture, Young. Sarn, Geb and Voodoo nearly died rescuing you. It's too bad about Qhobeg but we really need to cut our losses and get out while we still can.

Young: Oh yeah? What about your Russian friend? Were you going to abandon him too?

Semievil: TLTE can handle himself, at least for the time being.

Sarn: Acceptable losses are a fact of space warfare, my dear. There's always some cocky young ensign who bravely dies in the name of Captain Capdill and his galactic starship. Your beloved wasn't the first to go down while I got away, but if it's any consolation he probably won't be the last.

Young: This is pathetic! Some heroes you are!

Cool Matty: Well excuse me for not wanting to be present when the dinosaur wakes up!

Sarn: Okay ensign, I know we're a long way from home but there's no need to scare the lady with crazy stories.

Cool Matty: Good grief, Godzilla's right there!

*CM points as he shouts.*

Sarn: Godzilla?

Cool Matty: He ate Sok Monkey!

Sarn: I don't remember that. I think you're a little confused about who did what around here.

Young: Leave if you want, but I'm staying until I get Qhobeg back.

Antestarr: If she stays, I stay.

*Silence hangs over the crowd for a moment.*

Semievil: We'd have to search for a means of returning home anyways, so I guess it wouldn't be too much of a detour to also look for Qhobeg.

Sarn: Agreed, number one. Make it so!

Cool Matty: Fine, but can we at least make the battle plans away from the unexploded ordinance, the flaming clown and the deadly murdercake?

Semievil: Okay. Let's move out.

Young: Thank you.

Cool Matty: Save it. Thank me later, if I'm still alive.

Otter: I'm coming, but I'm not speaking to this charlatan!

Thrawn42689: Hey -

Otter: That's right, you just got burned by The Otter, baby!

Thrawn42689: What -

Otter: Oh yeah!

*The conversation dwindles as the heroes being to regroup and move off. Sarn waits behind for a few seconds.*

Sarn: Engage!

*Sarn hurries to catch up.*
Originally posted by Cool Matty
Suddenly, a large rush of wind rips through the remains of the chapel. A red portal begins to form at the rear of the church. After the dust and debris settles, a being of human form stands there, weilding what appears to be one BIG ****ING GUN.

Jim7: Alright, where's the action?! Portal is repaired and I'm ready to roll!

Silence replies.

Jim7: Okay, what the christ. Where did everyone go?

Jim7 grabs a walkie talky from his pocket.

Jim7: I thought you said the battle was still ensuing?! Don't tell me I missed the whole battle when I came back to fix this damn thing.

A static-y incomprehensible response comes through the walkie talkie, but it is obvious Jim7 is unhappy.

Jim7: You have got to be kidding me. Well, DAMN it all to Hell!

After a few moments of contemplating his next move, he notices movement towards the front of the church.

Jim7: That... that looks like... HEY! THE LAST TRUE EVIL! GET YOUR *** OVER HERE!

TLTE: I can't, I've got to find Young!

Jim7: You've got to do more than that! Look, I just got this portal thing back online for you all! However, I don't know how long it's going to hold out! You morons need to get back here and fast.

TLTE: How much time?

Jim7: Hell if I know! I'd say, five minutes? Duct tape doesn't have nearly the longevity in Hell.

TLTE: Borscht! Alright. If you see any of the heroes, keep them here. Especially Young.

Jim7: Will do.

Originally posted by Michael MacFarlane
In an Irish pub down the street from the Evil Cathedral, the brown-haired man from the wedding sits down at the bar, accidentally bumping another bar patron.

Unknown Man: Sorry 'bout that.

Random Audience Member 544: Wait a second!

Oh, for the love of... what now?

RAM 544: Shouldn't it pretty obvious to all of us who this guy is?

Yes. Yes, completely obvious. Just ONCE can't you people pretend that you don't recognize someone? Or that he's got his back turned to you? Or... good grief, I don't even know what to do with you... where was I?

Unknown Man: Sorry 'bout that.


Bar Patron: 'Ssh no propblem, I'm jusht the queen of Shouth America.

His face hits the counter. The Unknown Man waves to the bartender.

Unknown Man: Beer. (The bartender looks at him inquisitively.) Doesn't matter. Any beer. Just pour it while there's still time.

The bartender's look has gone from inquisitive to downright befuddled, but the Unknown Man is no longer paying him any attention.

Unknown Man: Finally. (suddenly puzzled by his own urgency) Whatever that means.

Who is the Unknown Man? Already knowing the answer to that, will he get his beer this time? And for how long will this writer continue to invoke totally outdated NeS conventions to prop up his posts? Find out next time, or sometime!

Originally posted by Gebohq
Gebohq and some of the others notice the big portal with Jim Seven standing by it. Jim Seven flags them down.

Jim Seven: Hey! Get your butts on over here and get through this portal!

Sugarless: But what about Young and...stuff? You know, the reason we came here in the first place?

Jim Seven: TLTE's got that taken care of -- he told me to send you all through.

Gebohq: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's blow this joint!

Gebohq waves everyone towards Jim Seven's portal. Jim Seven directs the heroes into the portal, each jumping in one at a time -- Gebohq, Semievil, Sugarless, Sarn Cadrill, Voodoosnowflakes, the Otter, Mimiru, CoolMatty, Subaru, Maybechild, Losien...


Not too far off, Young, Qhobeg (who is now really Evil Geb, and for simplicity, will refer to him now as such), The Last True Evil, Amal, and The Patriot chase each other respectively, down one of the hallways of the Palace of Power.

Young: You're not Qhobeg! Let go of me!

Evil Geb: Bwahahahhaha!

TLTE: *fires pistol*

Amal: Wait for me!

The Patriot: Stop, Russian filth!

They all go through one door. Young exits another, followed by Qhobeg.

Evil Geb: Come back here!

The Last True Evil comes out another, and bumps into the Patroit.

TLTE: Gah!

The Patriot chases The Last True Evil through another door...

The part Benny Hill, part Scooby-Doo scene continues like so, until The Last True Evil, holding both Young and Amal, exits the scene.

Evil Geb: What? That's outrageous! Why I oughta use my editing powers to--

The Patriot: STAND ASIDE!

The Patriot plows through Evil Geb like a bowling ball. Evil Geb lies on the ground, dazed.


Back at the portal, Ariana jumps through Jim Seven's portal with reluctance, leaving Antestarr, Ricky and Wai. The Last True Evil, with Young and Amal, rushes into the scene.


Ricky: What about the other Geb?

TLTE: I'm pretty sure it's the evil Geb now -- we don't have time, go!

Ricky: But--

Jim Seven: Somebody go already!

Arriving at the portal, Young heads through the portal, then Antestarr. The Last True Evil notices The Patriot closing in, and turns to Jim Seven.

TLTE: Don't let that man through!

Jim Seven: Ok.

The Last True Evil jumps through the portal with Amal. The Patriot closes in on the portal.

The Patriot: I need to follow that Russian!

Jim Seven: Ok.

The Patriot jumps through the portal.

Ricky: So, um, I can't head back... >.>

Wai: Neither can I -- not without the NeS avatar. I recognize you, even in that female form.

Ricky: What? Oh, right... <.<;

Wai: And hell if I'm going to trust you, Jim. We'll find our own way.

Jim Seven: Too bad! You're both going whether you like it or not!

Before either of them can react, Jim Seven shoves the two of them through the portal. Evil Geb stumbles into the scene just as Jim Seven's portal closes.

Evil Geb: Damnit! You all are going to pay!

Jim Seven: Unlikely. Here's a wedding present for you. Ta-ta!

Jim Seven tosses a gift-wrapped box towards Evil Geb, who catches it. Jim then snaps his fingers, and dissapears in a hellish exit. Evil Geb decides to open his new gift.

Evil Geb: Awwww, an over-cliched ending! It's just what I always wanted!

*camera change to an outside shot of the Palace of Power*


((NSP: The story continues here.))
2007-07-25, 8:24 AM #80
Chapter 3 - The Reception

An unsettling stillness is cast over the ruined plains of NeShattered. Even the scorched earth and rubble that is, arguably, the iconic nature of the landscape, appears more despondent than usual. The sky is a swirling mess of clouds, something of an inverted funnel that might lead to Heaven...or more likely, a darker equivalent.

Not a soul is to be seen in the various hovels and shanty towns decorating the realm's many continents. The occupants of NeShattered are all inside, perhaps sensing primitively the awful horror that is about to descend upon them, a horror that far outstrips the mundane evil regularly encountered in their difficult lives.

And then, in the middle of the greatest devastation, there is movement.

The evil manifestation of Gebohq slowly pulls himself out of a massive and deep explosion crater, falling forward onto a pile of debris. Having shed completely his Qhobeg disguise, Gebiyl is bloody and bruised, his outfit ripped and in tatters...but he is alive.

Gebiyl: I...survived?

Hesitantly, he casts his eyes down to his damaged body, but there is no permanent damage. Obviously, his fortress is completely destroyed, his legion of servants dead and scattered to the chill winds of the black wastes, but...there is something more...

Gebiyl: (Muttering) My mind is at peace...I feel lighter, somehow...

And then he realises:

Gebiyl: The Ever-ending Plot! It no longer occupies my body! I AM FREE!

He laughs maniacally, thin arms stretching to the skies as if invoking a terrible curse.

Gebiyl: But how? Hmm...the incredible concussive force of the explosion must have completely destroyed the EeP...yet its malignant power while occupying me as a vessel must have shielded me, somehow. It obviously tried to defend its host, thinking it could withstand the blast force...Ha! An incredible irony...I ended up doing my idiot doppelganger's work for him! I destroyed the Ever-ending Plot!

The greater irony, however, is discovered as he utters these words; for they are drowned out by an inhuman roar that seems to vibrate the very earth Gebiyl stands on. Letting out a cry of mixed surprise and fear, Gebiyl staggers back and falls back into the bomb crater.

He tumbles toward earth, framed in mid-air by a streak of lighting, followed by a crack of thunder that punctuates his collision with the ground. The scene has a sense of terrifying grandeur; the tension is palpable, the grim air signifying that something so magnificent and abominable is about to happen that it defies comprehension.


The crater chooses not to answer; the sky is indifferent.


Gebiyl stumbles back, breathing heavily, his cheeks flushed. His fists are clenched, and he is so busy thinking indignant thoughts that he nearly doesn't hear the rumbling behind him.

Slowly, disbelievingly, Gebohq's dark self turns around. The earth at the epicentre of the crater is shifting, moving. Gebiyl kneels by the moving earth, confident that he can grab whoever - or whatever - is about to come out of the ground.

Instead, the ground itself resolves into a letter: "E".

Gebiyl: ...

No sooner does Gebiyl's breath catch in his throat than the ground moves again, reforming into a lower-case "e", and then a capital "P".

Gebiyl: You survived...reformed again...into dirt?

And then the letters move fast. An "S" appears, which collapses into a "T", which itself shifts to an "R". "O" is next, then "N", and "G", "E" and "R".

Gebiyl: Stronger? You think you're stronger now?

The ground moves much more rapidly now, shifting into a kind of crude cartoon; a monster-like figure attacks a town, and several hero-types surround and squash the figure. The monster flattens out, pulling itself back up again into a stretched-out monster figure that is roughly twice as large. The monster attacks two towns this time, prompting the heroes to return again and (with more difficulty) flatten out the gruesome protagonist. The monster grows even wider, even flatter, and returns to attack three towns.

Gebiyl: You mean, each time you reform, you grow in strength?

A "tick" sign on the ground. But then, another cartoon, this one much more vivid: an evil-looking man, followed by the same evil man, his features more angular, his teeth longer, followed by another evil man looking even more feral and animalistic...

Gebiyl: ...but each time you reform, you lose...cohesion? Humanity? Where is this all going?

And the word flashes across the ground so quickly, as though an invisible marker etched it into the earth, that Gebiyl recoils; "NOWHERE".

Gebiyl: I...don't understand.

More words.


Gebiyl: Look...uh...if you want to kill the Heroes, I'll point you in the right direction. Just...just leave me my shattered realm.

The words are jagged now, in a loping evil scrawl.


Gebiyl: You want to end the Never-ending Story thread, I understand. I know your thoughts, you were in my mind! But what you're proposing is -


Gebiyl: No!

Gebiyl leaps backwards and turns around, terror marked on his face, feeling for a handhold to get out of the crater. He looks ahead and screams; his own horrified face is mockingly duplicated on the side of the crater, a crude study in horror and revulsion. The face animates, and Gebiyl stares at his own face laughing at him.

Then the rumbling starts again, and in the middle of the crater, a massive stone erupts from out of the ground. It is quite beautiful, a polished stone that is almost silver, with some kind of indentation or hole on top -

And out of that hole, matter begins to pour out. It is unlike anything Gebiyl has ever seen before; a kind of creeping decay, a black-green consistency of evil that spews forth from the indentation like pus from an evil wound.

Gebiyl screams again, turning again and scrambling for a way out of the crater as the organic decay grows, surges and pulses forward, always spreading...

Originally posted by Gebohq
The story-arcs crawl onward as the visage of the Ever-ending Plot spread across the broken story. In his madness, Gebiyl attempts to control the infectious plot for his own ends as he perceived he had before with foolish games played on his subjects. As that fails, Gebiyl tries to contain the plot by wielding the story to reinforce his role as villain, appearing to ally himself with the plot so as to keep it weak through story convention, hoping perhaps some bratty teenagers would rise to even defeat it. And as the Ever-ending Plot grew into every corner of the story thread, Gebiyl in his fear moves to do what he does best: run away to try and escape into the Never-ending Story Thread Squared. Within the highest ruined tower of his long-destroyed Palace of Power, Gebiyl sets the last of the timed explosives around the sole Thingy-like device which allows travel between story threads, the Thingy-like device already prepped for him to jump through--[/i]

Gebiyl: What for story's sake are you doing here, Narrator? Now it knows where I am!


Gebiyl: Oh who am I kidding? It knows where I am, I'm sure. But I'll take flight from fate yet! Just have to--

Too late. The decaying, viscous presence of the Ever-ending Plot breaks out across the walls towards the portal into the NeS itself.

Gebiyl: Like hell I'll let you free!

Brandishing his dark blade, Gebiyl moves in a blur and destroys the machine.

Gebiyl: HA! Go ahead and kill me, Ever-ending Plot! This ****-hole of a story will be your tomb! You'll never leave!

The walls swallow the very words of Gebiyl, gargles them, and hurls back its own visceral voice.


Horror hits Gebiyl's face. The viscous floor grabs hold of his leg, which he hacks away, only for his other leg to be ensnared. He twists, using his free hand to conjure a plot-hole to free his leg. Tendrils of plot shoot forth at Gebiyl, which he evades with incredible flips and mid-air jumps. Plothooks shoot forth from bracers on his forearms, ensnaring part of the vile muck with one as he reels himself to the ceiling with the other. The timers on the explosives start ticking their final seconds, and the very room is about to swallow him--

--when Gebiyl jump-cuts to a shot--himself shot out of the window as the tower explodes. He dives down as he plummets towards the earth, approaching terminal velocity and destination. Gebiyl casts a plot-hole in front of him, hoping against all hope that he is quick and crazy enough to pull off his escape. Before anyone has the time to think of the logic behind it, Gebiyl crashes into the ground, sending the earth and plot alike exploding from the impact.

When the debris from the air clears, Gebiyl is gone.
The Last True Evil - consistent nobody in the Discussion Forum since 1998

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