'AGE 2 - THE SUBPLOT[/u]

NeShattered. An overcast, gloomy landscape, not dissimilar to the world of the NeS, but...darker. There is an explosion of sound and light, and three bodies drop to the barren landscape: Sarn, Sok, and The Last True Evil. Slowly, they pull themselves off the ground, dusting off their clothes, and look around with some trepidation.

Chapter 1 - The Invitation

TLTE: We're here.

Evil Geb--er... Shattered Geb--uh... Gebiyl... GAH! Lost my train of thought. You have too many names.

S. Geb: What are you talking about? I'm obviously the good Geb! See the obviously NOT-evil outfit I'm wearing? The lack of a mechanical hand? My laughable idiocy?

You got one of those right. You've not very good at playing innocent.

S. Geb: Hey, it'll work well enough for my purposes. I'm going to milk this doppleganger bit for all its worth! And just to confuse everyone...

*S. Geb touches Morthrandur, upon which S. Geb's appearance changes to look like Morthrandur's.*

S. Geb: Oh look! Now which one of us is the real freaky tall, dark, mystical spirit-type?

*S. Geb's appearance as Morthrandur then dissolves back to reveal himself, still in Gebohq's body.*

S. Geb: I really hope I get to use that trick at some point during this wedding! Maybe I'll figure out how to look like you, Young! That'd be hot.

*Young does her best to inch away from S. Geb.*

Uh-huh... you're going to be a real threat to the good guys...

S. Geb: Hey! Let's not forget that I'm on home turf here, and that I weild the NeSword, the dark-blade-thingy, and quite possibly other absurdly powerful items, AND that I have the Ever-ending Plot under my control! In my MIIIIIIND! ...I think.

Thanks for the reminder, abuser of the meta-fictional elements.

Morthrandur: Geb, do you feel that?

*S. Geb looks up, suddenly still.*

S. Geb: Hmm... yes. It would seem that some of our guests are already here. COME FORTH, DISPOSABLE OVERLY-CLICHED MINIONS!

*A legion of Nazi-alien-cyborg-zombie-robot-ninja-clones enter, and their chief marches up to S. Geb and salutes.*

S. Geb: Go north, about a hundred or so miles from here. Look for a motley group of hero-types. They'll stand out, here in NeShattered. One of them will look like me. Bring him to me. Kill the others.

*The chief salutes again, and leads his legion away.*

The fabric of the story suddenly rips violently for a nearly inperceivable amount of time, as if a scene were poorly added into a movie.

S. Geb: Do not capture the others alive. Kill them! That is your primary objective!

Chief minion: Yes sir!

The fabric of the story rips again in a similar matter.

S. Geb: Now, let's have a look at the wedding cake...




(S.) Geb: Behold! Our wedding cake!

Shatterred Geb pulls a chord, which draws an elegantly evil curtain to reveal what could quite possibly be the world's largest wedding cake ever made. Random chef-types are running around the wedding cake, placing the final touches on it. Young gazes upward, wide-eyed but otherwise still. The evil Geb swells with pride.

(S.) Geb: Only the finest for our wedding, my bride-to-be. A giant, triple-chocolate-chip cookie sits at the base. The cake itself is filled with decadent death-by-chocolate layers, with wicked white choclate frosting and covered in corruptingly-choice chocolate sauce. For some devious decoration, strawberries and pineapples line it's edges--DON'T TOUCH!

He smacks Young's hand away from the cake, who looks hurt.

(S.) Geb: This cake is not for eating! It's meant to lure those idiotic hero-types into a false sense of security and hunger. There is trace amounts of cyanide in the choclate...probably some other nasty things too. I don't want you dying on me before your time, little girl.

Young looks at Shattered Geb, who continues to glare at her with the darkest of eyes. His murderous stare flickers away, and once again, he smiles with a slightly crazed happiness. He grabs something small off a nearby table.

(S.) Geb: And look! What would a wedding cake be without one of these?

Young examines what Shattered Geb is holding. In his hands, a traditional wedding cake figurine that appears to be a smaller version of Gebohq in a tux fitting of him. The figurine is holding another figurine above its head, and it appears to be a smaller version of Young in a traditional white wedding dress. She's not certain, but the Geb figurine appears to be looking upward...

(S.) Geb: This part's my favorite.

Shattered Geb pushes a button on the two figurine-set, and a musical "da-da-da-DAAAAA!" chimes.

(S.) Geb: I'll just put this on top of the cake...

Climbing up the ladder, Shattered Geb pracariously places the figurines on top. A distinct growling is heard from the cake.

Young: Uh...

(S.) Geb: Oh, did I forget to mention? This cake is sentient. It has flamethrower candles, a mobile cart that it sits on for its own movement, throwing knives at its disposal, and... well, I'll just leave the rest a surprise for now, hmm?

Young: Is that a hair on the cake?

(S.) Geb: A hair? Where?

Young then pushes the ladder over, sending Shattered Geb toppling to the ground. She then makes a break for it and exits through the nearest door.

(S.) Geb: Grr... time to go get her. Again...That's the fourth time since we got here...

-------------------------------

Some time soon after, the fabric of the story rips apart in an almost imperceivable amount of time...

S. Geb: GOT YOU! You miserable little brat...

Shattered Geb grabs Young by the arm, winding up a pimp-style backhand slap with his free hand.

S. Geb: Why I oughta--

Suddenly, a cellphone ringtone goes off, which breaks the moment with the tune of The Imperial March.

S. Geb: Always at the worst times... *answers cellphone* What is it? ...WHAT? You CAUGHT them? But you're supposed to be disposable overly-cliched minions! Disposable! ...well no, of course it's a good thing! ...no...no-- of course I was worried about the safety of you all... *S. Geb gives Young a wink* ...yes, meet me at the landing pad. Fearless leader out!

Young: You wanted your own men to die?

S. Geb: That was their JOB! And now they've gone and captured the heroes? Well, I don't see why I shouldn't take this opportunity to be overwhelmingly over-confident in my apparent fortune... You stay here.

Shattered Geb brandishes the NeSword and makes his way to the landing pad. He arrives just as the vehicle is landing. The helicopter door opens, and Semievil and Sarn Cadrill are escorted out by two of the disposable, overly-cliched (and conviniently masked) minions.

S. Geb: Where's Geb? I told you to bring him back to me, you incompetant--

One of the disposable, overly-cliched minions raises a machine gun and fires at Shattered Geb. Shattered Geb attempts to evade the bullets, but there are too many, and some puncture through his stomach. He falls to the ground, bleeding, as the minions unmask themselves to be The Last True Evil and Sok Munkey. All four heroes surround Shattered Geb, as The Last True Evil pulls out his Smith and Wesson.

TLTE: And here I thought you'd put up more of a fight. Your death will be pleasantly anti-climatic.

S. Geb: Not today!

With all the energy his dying body could muster, he swings the NeSword towards The Last True Evil, cutting a swath into the very fabric of the story itself...

CUT!

Have Tracer the Writer's last post and part of Gebohq the Writer's post before been...edited?

Shattered Geb picks himself off the floor of the helicopter landing pad. He is alone, with no helicopter in sight, and though there are no wounds on him, he appears somewhat exhausted. A psychotic smile spreads across his face.

S. Geb: Oh how I love playin' on the home field...

As the unruly creature under his saddle charged headlong across the dunes, Sem finally extracts himself from the unholy contraption and leaps from the camel as it passes Sarn, Sok and TLTE. As the beast charges away Sem rights himself and hails the others.

Sem: Just sit back and relax citizens...

TLTE: Comrades...

Sem: I'll soon have the situation in hand. Just sit back and relax while I bring in my super-spy tech!

Sem confidently begins reciting words of arcane power, lightning and clouds swirling around him. In a few moments a bright shiny new dune buggy sits before them. Clearly pleased with himself, he takes the drivers' seat.

Sem: See, it's all taken care of citizens.

TLTE: ...

Sem turns the key and with a sickening crunch the buggy lurches, emits a liver from the engine, and falls silent.

Sem: Ermn... yeah... I'll uh... have this running in just a second.

It becomes quickly apparent to everyone the moment that Sem props the engine cover that half of the engine has been replaced with what had been, until recently, a gerbil on a wheel.

TLTE: I'm no engineer, comrade, but I don't think that goes there.

Sem: We'll just uh... see about trying this again.

After summoning a biplane, helicopter, four dirt bikes, a submarine and a go-kart, all with similar malfunctions, Sem collapses on the sand.

Sarn: I think I know what's going on here. Sem, do you remember taking Villain Technology 248: Theory of Comedic Failure back in hero school?

Sem: Vaguely... I think I kept staring across the hall at Damsel Technique 470: Distress; Theme and Variation.

Sarn: Well, you know how villain technology always works until it needs to, and hero technology never works until it does? I think the same thing is happening here.

Sok: But... we're heroes... and we need to get out of the desert so we don't die, right?

Sarn: Exactly. I think what's happened here is that NeShattered has had it's polarity reversed. The Evil Geb has weilded the story here so long that the NeS fabric itself has begun to see villains and heroes in reverse.

TLTE: So essentially you're saying we're screwed in every possible plotline, and that your exposition was merely an academic way to pass the time while we wait to be unwritten again?

Sarn: Precisely... oh... damn...

Sem: No, wait, I think you're on to something here. What's the most impractical yet clearly evil mode of cliche villain transportation ever used?

Sok: The Death Star?

Sem: Close.

Sem drops to the ground and starts piling sand, summoning cokes to make it stick as a child might use seawater at the beach. It takes nearly an hour, but at last the creation is complete.

TLTE: A sand castle?

Sem: No. A dark fortress.

Sok: I see... uh... even granting your bizarre fantasy that a three-foot pile of sticky sand is a 'dark fortress', how exactly does this constitute a mode of transportation?

Sem: Because, dear disbeliever, it rests atop a Floating Continent!!!

As he says the words the desert beneath them in a 10 foot circle tears free, and floats upward, revealing a solid stone bottom which they all felt certain had not been under them a moment before. As they choose a direction and head off, the camera pans to abuse perspective in a night impossible way, making the heroes appear to be atop the ramparts of the great fortress of sand and coke for just a moment before giving it up.

Sem: You see? The plot can be fooled into allowing us to defeat Evil Geb if we but keep our wits about us.

TLTE: So essentially you're saying we're waiting for Evil Geb to notice us, and that your little trick here with the plot was merely an academic way to pass the time while we wait to be unwritten again?

Sem: ... You suck.

TLTE: At least I'm a spy for a real country.

Sem: ... You suck.

Gebohq: "Sorry. I didn't order any mysterious dirty people."

He/It: "Yes you did."

*Emo Geb's response is drowned out by the roar of the overly-cliched evil minion attack jets touching down next to his swing set, which immediately begin disgorging their cargo of disposable minions.*

Cool Matty: "We're under attack!"

*CM launches into action, vapourizing several advancing soldiers with magical lightening blasts. Miramu and Subaru race towards Evil Geb's troops and engage them in close combat. He\It ignores the melee, absorbed by the cigarette in his hand.*

He/It: "You called me when you rewrote sections of NeShattered."

Gebohq: "I think you're misinformed. I didn't rewrite the nothing of anything."

*He/It raises his (?) eyebrows.*

He/It: "But you *are* Gebohq?"

Cool Matty: "Die! Die! Die!"

*Surrounded by disposable cliched minions, CM indiscriminately casts magic fireballs in all directions. Geb hangs idly in the swing and nods.*

He/It: "You're Gebohq. Gebohq changed the story. "

*He/It takes another drag on his smoke.*

He/It: "Now Gebohq's in trouble."

Gebohq: "I think you might be in slightly larger trouble. Because of all the heavily-armed cyborg-nazis on the rampage."

*As if to underscore the point, Subaru sends an evil minion flying past the swingset with a bone-crunching kick to the face.*

He/It: "All I'm concerned with right now, Gebby is having a little man-to-man talk with you."

Gebohq: "Are you even a man?"

*He/It finishes his cigarette and flicks it to the desert floor.*

He/It: "What I want to talk to you about is editing the story."

*Subaru goes down under a pile Nazi-alien-cyborg-zombie-robot-ninja-clones. Miramu dips and weaves through a crowed of Evil Geb's soldiers, dispatching them with graceful punches and kicks. Cool Matty desperately casts spell after explosive spell, burning through the evil soldiers' ranks.*

He/It: "And why you shouldn't do it."

Gebohq: "You could use a shower."

He/It: "Time to go."

*Using it's special powers - whether they stem from his extreme filth or extreme mystery is unclear - He/It teleports itself, Gebohq and Geb's playground swingset away just as the battle winds down. Dead minions and the smoking wrecks of their transports surround the trio of CM, Subaru and Miramu. The desert sands are scorched black from conventional and magical explosions.*

Cool Matty: "What a tough battle!"

Miramu: "Well, now we can get on with the stopping Shattered Geb and whatnot."

Subaru: "Wait, where's our Geb?"

--------------------

*Meanwhile, Qhobeg, the Otter, Ariana, Sugarless and Antestarr find themselves in the desert of NeShattered.*

Qhobeg: "That silly noise really kills the Star Trek feeling."

------------------------------

*Elsewhere...

With a loud 'FWOOP' Gebohq, his swingset and He/It are teleported into a tiny shack that is just about as dirty as He/It himself. The shack is a single room: an unmade cot is pushed against the wall beside a desk covered in papers and pens, as well as various food-related debris. Across from the bed is a kitchenette, the sink and counter piled high with dirty dishes.*

He/It: "So, Gebohq. Let's have a chat. Make yourself at home."

*Geb clings tightly to the swing chains and tries to keep his feet hovering above the floor, which looks as though it hasn't been mopped in years.*

He/It: "I've got some important questions to ask."

Gebohq: "Sure. But make it quick. I think I might catch like twelve diseases if I stay here too long."

He/It: "Whatever do you mean?"

Gebohq: "This room is dirtier than...than dirt."

He/It: "I don't follow."

*Geb stares at the colossal mess.*

Gebohq: "I didn't live this bad when I was in college."

He/It: "About my questions..."

Gebohq: "Okay."

He/It: "Exactly what did you use to edit the story?"

Gebohq: "I didn't edit the story."

He/It: "But you did. There's no sense in lying - I know you edited the story. I just want to know how."

*Geb blinks.*

Gebohq: "I didn't edit the story."

He/It: "I know you did."

*Geb blinks twice.*

Gebohq: "I...didn't...edit...the...story..."

He/It: "Gebbers. Look - I already said that I know what you did."

*Geb opens his mouth to speak but is cut off.*

He/It: "I know because of who I am."

Gebohq: "Some guy who never heard of a shower?"

He/It: "Try the physical manifestation of the Neverending Story Thread itself. So I know, okay?"

*This statement shocks Geb.*

He/It: "I know. And it doesn't matter, because I'm not going to hurt you. But I am going to have take away whatever dangerous toy you're currently wrecking things with."

Gebohq: "I don't have any toys. I swear."

He/It: "If it was just NeSquared - if it was just myself you were hurting - we wouldn't even be having this conversation. But you did all your damage in NeShattered and I don't know what goes on in here."

Gebohq: "But you're standing here now."

He/It: "I can only see what's happening to myself. It's as though NeShattered is a dark cave. You and the others who belong to me illuminate things a little bit but I still can't really see."

Gebohq: "Really..."

*Gebohq inches towards the shack door. He/It rolls his eyes.*

He/It: "But obviously I brought you here for the reason that I *can* see things in the little pocket of NeS that exists in every spin-off thread."

Gebohq: "I see. Would you be at all interested in the fact that I didn't edit the story?"

*He/It gives a small chuckle.*

He/It: "Fine, let's say you didn't. Then who did, Gebohq?"

Gebohq: "Evil Geb."

He/It: "Evil...Geb."

*Geb nods earnestly.*

He/It: "Is 'Evil Geb' what he sounds like?"

Gebohq: "Oh, totally. He's like me, only evil. And way shallower."

He/It: "I see."

Gebohq: "Oh yeah. No principles at all."

He/It: "...No principles."

*Geb nods some more.*

He/It: "Alright, Geb. I'll humor you for now. I'll bring us to your opposite point in NeShattered."

Gebohq: "But you can't see anything."

He/It: "If there really is an 'Evil' Geb then he'll be enough like you for me to see something. Put simply, I'll be looking for a hole in the story shaped like you. Like an outline. If this 'Evil Geb' even exists."

*He/It makes the quotation marks with his fingers as he talks.*

Gebohq: "Or sometimes they call him 'Shattered Geb'.

*FWOOP!*

Back at Shattered Geb's Forbidden Fortress of--er... that is, his Palace of Power? Whatever it's called--

(S.) Geb: Hey!

What?

(S.) Geb: Don't "whatever" on the stuff about me! Or I'll--

Or you'll what?

(S.) Geb: I'll write you off!

Well that's why the story's turned to focus on you, actually. It seems you've scared off the writers.

(S.) Geb: WHAT? I've done no such thing! They're just being lazy and picky!

They're being that too, I'm sure, but think about it -- if they write something you don't like, you'll end up "editing" it.

(S.) Geb: And...?

And that usually keeps them from writing. They like to keep what they've written. Also, you're not a very good editor.

(S.) Geb: The hell with you! I don't need writers! I own this place! I can do whatever I want!

I'm sure you could, but you and I know that's not really the same. It's not your style. Besides, you don't have the power to control like that on such a large scale.

(S.) Geb: Shut up, Narrator...

Young: Oh well, guess that means you'll have to send me back, right?

(S.) Geb: NO!

Young: It was worth a shot...

(S.) Geb: So what am I supposed to do? Beg for them to come back? Let them make me LOSE?

Hardly! There's some pretty sado-masochistic writers around. Just give them something to work with, use your story-wielding to make things a little more dramatic, even if they're not in your favor at first. You know, like how you could be taking a gun and shooting the hero but instead opt for the over-elaborate trap?

(S.) Geb: Right right, I getcha. Hmm, something interesting, huh? Hey Young!

Young: Yes?

(S.) Geb: You're going to get some air time.

Young: Huh?

(S.) Geb: You know how in epic fantasy stories, an image of the maiden in trouble appears before the heroes, hovering in the air, crying for help and giving them just enough help to lead them to the villain as part of the big villain's evil scheme to lure them into a trap?

Young: ...no?

(S.) Geb: Oh. Well good, because that's certainly not what we're doing...

Young: I would have thought otherwise.

(S.) Geb: Don't get smart with me! Now get moving to the VOAM (vision of a maiden) broadcasting center!

Shattered Geb then pokes Young in the butt with the sharp end of his NeSword. She hops forward to avoid, and starts moving at his command. Will the writers come back? Will... well, we'll just stick with that one for now.

(NSP: This came off as a bit more of a jab than I meant it to -- really, I didn't mean to jab at all. I was actually feeling a bit uninspired myself, so I just went with this. Maybe it'll have inspired you all, I dunno. =/...)


(NSP: This is because I like having all my peoples in one group, and because I just remembered that the tumbleweed is around... <.<; )

Rick: Did you say something?

Wai: What? No... <.<

Rick: Right then. Is anyone else feeling a bit hot?

Subaru: Now that you mention it, yeah.

CoolMatty: Well we HAVE been standing around in a desert!

"A." tumbleweed drifts by the heroes, under the searing heat of the sun at high noon...

*cue Western-genre showdown music as a number of deadly gunslingers suddenly appear*

Mimiru: Wha...?

Geb: Freakin' hell... GO AWAY--

The gunslingers start firing, and one of them hits their mark. Gebohq doubles over. CoolMatty, Mimiru and Subaru rush to Geb's side.

Geb: I'm fine. Ow... might I suggest we run away?

CoolMatty: Good idea. Wai, help Geb-- and he's gone. Subaru, help Geb, we're outta here!

Subaru: I will as soon as I can catch up with him!

The group runs away from the deadly gunslingers. Elsewhere in the desert...

Sem: Come back, TLTE! Show me some love!

TLTE: -__-#....

Sem: Or not. Wake up, Sarn.

Semievil pushes Sarn off the floating island fortress. Sarn violently wakes up when he falls.

Sarn: AHHHH! NOT THE SHARP ROCKS! DAMN YOU MAYAAL! What the-- oh, I'm still here. Hi TLTE. Hi tumbleweed.

Sem: Haven't I seen that somewhere before...?

"A." tumbleweed drifts by Sok Monkey, Semievil, Sarn Cadrill and The Last True Evil, and over a generic mound of sand, or dune...

*cue silence*

Suddenly, a giant scary sand-worm thing leaps out of the sand, eating Sok Monkey and the floating island fortress whole, miraculously missing Semievil as he falls to the ground.

Semievil: My flying island fortress, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

TLTE: Uh, and Sok Munkey?

Semievil: Eh. I'm sure he's fine.

TLTE: Want to check for yourself? That thing's coming back for seconds.

Semievil: I... think I'll pass.

TLTE: OK, here's what we do. Sarn, you--

Sarn: AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Sarn Cadrill sprints away.

Sem: I like his idea. GAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

TLTE: *sigh* Writers....

The Last True Evil runs with Semievil and Sarn Cadrill, away from the sand-worm monster. Meanwhile (NeShattered count: 2?), in yet ANOTHER part of the desert...

Sugarless: Damn it's hot here. If I knew I was gonna be here, I wouldn't have worn this hoodie.

Antestarr: Yeah, costume changes can be difficult in these epic fantasy-type stories.

Otter: You could always take it off...

Qhobeg smacks Otter on the back of the head.

Otter: OW!

Sugarless: Thanks.

"A." tumbleweed drifts past Antestarr, Ariana, The Otter, Qhobeg and Sugarless, and heads towards the dark tower...

*cue Stephen King-esque horror music as a single gunslinger approaches.*

Ariana: For some reason, I was really expecting a Columbian drug lord.

Sugarless: So what do we do now, Antestarr? ...Antestarr? Where'd he go?

Qhobeg: I guess he ran away? I happen to like that idea.

Qhobeg starts running away. In a state of confusion, Ariana and Sugarless follow him.

Otter: Cowards! It's just one guy! We can take him!

A single shot is fired, and Otter's hat goes flying off.

Otter: WAIT FOR ME!

The Otter bolts for it, catching up with Sugarless and Ariana, who are trying to keep up with Qhobeg...

Qhobeg: *huff huff*... Oh dear, I'm becoming delirious from heat stroke! I'm seeing double!

Geb: So am I!

Qho: My hallucination is talking to me! No wait, it's Geb.

Geb: Nice to see you again. *huff huff* How are things with you?

Qho: Crap. Me and some others are running away from a gunslinger-type.

Qhobeg thumbs behind him, pointing to Ariana, Sugarless, and The Otter, running away from a single gunslinger, who is firing the occasional shot at their feet.

Geb: You think YOU have it bad? Me and the people I'm with are running away from multiple gunslinger-types!

Gebohq tumbs behind him, pointing to CoolMatty, Mimiru, Subaru and Rick, running away from multiple gunslinger-types, who are firing wildly at them.

Sarn: That's nothing!

Qho: GAH! Another hallucination!

Geb: That's Sarn! What are you doing here?

Sarn: Me and the others are running away from a FREAKING GIANT SAND WORM MONSTER!

Gebohq and Qhobeg look behind Sarn, to see Semievil and The Last True Evil, running away from a giant sand worm monster.

Qho: Wow. *huff huff* You really do have it bad.

Geb: Bah! I've been wounded!

Sarn: *huff huff* I hope that semblence of civilization isn't too far away, I'm getting sick of running!

Egads! What will happen next? All these people together might get sort of messy.

*The camera stands still as we see Gebohq, Qhobeg and Sarn Cadrill running by, then CoolMatty, Semievil, Ariana, Mimiru, Subaru, Sugarless, The Last True Evil, Rick, and The Otter running by, then the number of deadly gunslingers, the giant sand worm monster, and a single, calmer gunslinger running by. Then nothing.

Then the tumbleweed drifts into view, pivots in place as if looking from left to right, and continues drifting by...*

Oh, that sneaky tumbleweed!

Meanwhile (NeShattered count 3? (I think)) Sarn suddenly stops running. He sways slightly, then regains his footing. The others turn back.

Geb: "Sarn, what are you doing?? We're being chased by a group of gunslingers, a long gunslinger and FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTER! This is no time to stop running."

Sarn: "Uh, I'm not sure.. Suddenly I feel kind of... strange."

Qhobeg: "Eh?"

Sarn: "As if... It's like I've... had too much to drink. I'm kinda dizzy, and my vision's kinda.. weird and such.

*A bullet slams into the dirt inches from Sarn's foot.*

Geb: "Someone grab him! We've got to get out of here.

TLTE: (shouting from the back) "Let me just shoot him and be done with it! He IS the weakest link. Goodbye."

Sem: (to TLTE) "Ok, I was going along with the whole "turning evil" thing, but really, didn't we go over this already?"

Qhobeg: "Real funny, TLTE! I've got him, Geb."

*Qhobeg runs back to where Sarn stands, swaying slightly and blinking in the sunlight.*

Qhobeg: "You ok, buddy?"

Sarn: "Who are you calling "buddy" Ensign? That's Captain Cadpill to you!"

*Qhobeg rolls his eyes and glances to Geb.*

Geb: "Just go with it. It's kind of a multiple personality disorder thing. Call him Captain."

Qhobeg: "Uhh, sorry about the breach in protocol, Captain. But we need to get out of here. We're severely outmatched. The uhh... regs call for a retreat."

Sarn: "Retreat? You've got to be kidding me. I'm the famouse Captain Cadpill. I don't retreat. Don't worry. It'll be fine. We're main characters."

Qhobeg: "But you just called me, Ensign. I've seen enough Star Trek episodes to know that the ensigns always die."

Sarn: "Well you might be ok. To be honest I wasn't sure what rank you are, since you're out of uniform, but I was just covering my bases cause the only time a main character dies is when there are no ensigns around to die first. So, in that light, you're officially demoted slash promoted to ensign. By the way, have some respect for protocol and call me Sir."

Qhobeg: "Uhh, right, Sir. Might I make a suggestion?"

*The group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS are uhh... still... approaching.*

Geb: "Narrator, shut up already. You're making this comedic discourse even worse. Let's just call it the author's control over time elements."

*Whatever. I don't even know why I do this job. It's not like I'll ever get recognition...*

Geb: "Hey, at least we're talking to you. It's not like the characters ever talk to the narrator in any *other* stories."

*True...*

Qhobeg: "Excuse me, could we get back to my suggestion? It's not like the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS are getting any farther away."

*Well.. actually they seem to be frozen in pla-*

Geb: "Shut up already! Jeez, you try to write a good story, and some lousy, smart-mouthed narrator's gotta come along..."

Qhobeg: "Ahem, anyway my suggestion?"

Sarn: "You're only a ensign. You can't make suggestions. Leave that up to the important crewmembers, such as, for example... The Captain."

*Sarn flourishes his hand in a "take charge" sort of gesture.*

Geb: "See? Now that's how a narrator's supposed to narrate."

*Shut up.*

Qhobeg: "Uhh, Sir. You don't understand. We have to retreat!"

Sarn: "No we don't. We've been standing here for almost 10 minutes now, and the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS haven't gotten any closer. Why should we retreat?"

*Suddenly the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS begin to close in on the group of heroes.*

Sarn: "You've got the be the worst narrator ever... No matter. While we've been talking, I've devised a brilliant plan to avoid the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS. We're going to hastily advance in... that direction."

*Sarn points away from the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS, in the way the group had been running originally.*

Qhobeg: "Oh, that's a brilliant plan... Captain."

*Qhobeg rolls his eyes sarcastically, but Sarn doesn't seem to notice.*

Sarn: "That's the attitude I like, Ensign. Keep that up and you'll see a career advancement."

Qhobeg: "Didn't the narrator say the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS were closing in? We've been talking for like five minutes since then, and they're still not here. What gives?"

Geb: "Qhobeg, you're not making this any easier."

Qhobeg: "Right, sorry. Shall I lead the retrea- err... advance, Captain Cadpill?"

Sarn: "I'm the Captain. I'll lead the advance. First, we'll need to split into Firetea-"

*Geb screams suddenly. Sarn glances up in surprise.*

Sarn: "eh?"

Geb: "I had to distract you. We can't use that term, remember? We're low -budget. We can't afford to pay the royalties."

Sarn: "Well that's no good. We'll have to expend valuable time coming up with a new term."

Qhobeg: "Why don't we call them "Taskgroups" Sir?"

Sarn: "That's a horrible idea. Completely unoriginal. But fear not. I've thought of a perfect thing to call them while we've been standing here just now."

Qhobeg: "Right, and as the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS have somehow *not* gotten closer to us."

Sarn: "eh?"

Qhobeg: "Nevermind. What's your plan, uhh... Sir?"

Sarn: "We'll call them "Task Groups."

*Sarn smiles smugly*

Qhobeg: "Wait, that's exactly what I wanted to call them, except you put a space between "task" and "groups."

Sarn: "Were you talking to me just now, Ensign? I didn't hear you say "Sir."

*Qhobeg rolls his eyes again. Sarn once again doesn't seem to notice and takes Qhobeg's silence for submission.*

Sarn: "Right then. Now, normally I would put a great deal of thought into the division of the Task Groups, but as we are pressed for time, we'll use two Task Groups. Task Group "A" will consist of Geb, TLTE, and myself. Task Group "B" will consist of everyone else."

Qhobeg: "Wait, I'm not in Task Group "A"? I've been a major part of this post."

Sarn: "True, but Task Group "B" is designed to be expendable, and you're an ensign. And besides, I don't much like you."

Qhobeg: "Pfft, It's a shame TLTE didn't shoot you earlier."

Sarn: "What was that, Ensign?"

Qhobeg: "Nothing, CAPTAIN."

Sarn: "Right then. Now listen up. Task Groups "A" and "B"! Advance!

*The two "Task Groups" advance away from the approaching group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS, who seem to suddenly be right on their respective tails as this scene draws to a close. Will Sarn get back to his old self? Will Qhobeg lose his patience and murder Sarn first? Will the plot ever advance? Will... oh forget it. I'm getting a beer.*

Cool Matty: "What a stupid scene. We didn't even have any lines. As if anyone's going to believe that we just sat around the whole time while Geb, Sarn, and Qhobeg had a 20 minute conversation."

Miramu: "No kidding. And why did Sarn ever stop running in the first place?"

Sarn the Writer: "Ahem, guys. The scene's over, and you're supposed to be running."

Miramu: "Yeah, but we're not, and that's your fault. You're the writer."

*Suddenly, Miramu's pants fall down around her ankles. She stumbles in the dirt. All the members of Task Groups "A" and "B" turn around to face her, pointing and laughing.*

Miramu: "That wasn't funny."

*Miramu pulls her pants up unceremoniously*

Sarn the Writer: "hehe, yes it was. Wasn't it funny guys?"

*The heroes nod vigorously.*

Sarn the Writer: "See?"

Miramu: "Pfft, you just made them nod vigorously. They didn't really mean it."

Sarn the Writer: "So?"

Miramu: "Anyway, wasn't this scene supposed to be over? The narrator already went through his cliched closing questions."

Sarn the Writer: "True, but then I had an idea for this conversation."

Miramu: "Whatever. Are we ever gonna face the group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger, and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS or are we gonna just keep running? Because seriously between all of us and our powers and skills and whatnot, I think we could take them. And another thing. Why do we keep saying "group of gunslingers, the lone gunslinger and the FREAKING GIANT WORM MONSTERS" anyway? Why don't we just say "the villians" or something?"

Sarn the Writer: "Hey, I'm the writer. And you're a hero. I'll decide what you guys say. Clear, Miramu?"

Miramu: "Yes, insanely good looking master of everything."

Sarn the Writer: "Much better."

Miramu: "But... but... you just made me say that! I didn't really mean it! These working conditions are horrible! I demand a higher salary! I demand some recognition! I demand..."

*The curtain falls in front of Miramu and her cries are drowned out.*

Sarn: Wait…so where did TLTE go if there's no basement?

Rick: Hey, so…guys? Um, shouldn't we be going to stop this "Evil Geb?" *makes over-exaggerated quotation motions with her hands*

Maybechild: I think it would be best if you all stay here until this blows over. You just saw the excitement that's going outside. It'll be a lot safer here.

Rick: Oh…

TLTE: Anyone up there?

Rick: I-I mean, I really like weddings though.

Maybechild: I wish you liked showers more.

As Rick and Maybechild talk, Sugarless starts to sense something about Maybe's intentions on keeping the group away from the wedding. Sarn and Ariana help TLTE and Amal out of the base-erm-"underground cell."

Rick: Look, everyone's back! How nice! Let's get going to this wedding? What do you all say?

Geb: I really don't want to see any marriages…

Sarn: *looking at Amal* Who's this?

Sugarless: I kind of want to go to the wedding as well. *watches Maybechild's reaction*

Maybechild: *ignores Rick and Sugarless* So who wants a drink?

Sugarless: BAR FIGHT! *smashes beer bottle over Maybechild's head*

In the Shattered Realm of the Writers...

TLTE the writer: Hey Geb! I think the ElectronicWriter3000 is defunct again!

Geb the writer: So what? Mr.B.U.M.P.3000 should cover until it picks up again.

Sem the writer: Yeah... about that. I sort of... ate the buttered-toast part of the Falling Cat/Buttered-Toast Engine that powered it.

Geb the writer: And the cat? No wait, let me guess -- Krig ate the cat.

Sem the writer: No, actually. It was her.

Semievil the writer points at Sugarless the writer, who is preoccupied with eating her Chinese food.

Geb the writer: SUGARLESS!

Sugarless the writer: *looks up with food in her mouth* Hrm?

Geb the writer: THE CAT IS NOT FOR EATING!

Sugarless the writer: What? I did no such thing! That would require me to know how to cook a cat. Speaking of, thanks for making this, Ricky.

Ricky the writer: You should be thanking CoolMatty. He's the one who got the needed meat to use.

The two of them look at CoolMatty the writer, who looks at Geb and Sem the writers from the corners of his eyes. Ricky the writer's jaw drops in horror.

Ricky the writer: You... you didn't. Not to Twirly!

CM the writer: IT CLAWED UP MY MODEL ABRAMS TANK! It had to pay...

Ricky the writer: YOU MONSTER! Twirly loved Mr.B.U.M.P.3000...

Sugarless the writer looks at her Chinese food in realization, having stopped eating for a moment. She then shrugs and continues with her meal.

Geb the writer: For crying out loud... CM! Go get a new cat! Sem! Go get another slice of buttered toast. And someone go kick the ElectronicWriter3000 in working order! I don't want to actually start writing again...

(NSP: In case anyone's wondering, the ElectronicWriter3000 and Mr.B.U.M.P.3000 and its cat/buttered-toast engine is from this post, and CM the writer's obsession with a model abrams tank is from this post.)

--------------------------

Elsewhere, not long after the existance-wide broadcast of their wedding invitation, Evil Geb changes from his evening robe into the usual blue-collared workshirt and dark pants. He speaks to Young as he does so.

E. Geb: Now that we got that over with, there's a matter which needs attending. Best to do it now before the wedding business ties up all my free time.

Young: So you're going to lock me up in a prison cell while you take care of that?

E. Geb: You wish. Don't take me for a fool -- you're coming with me, where I can keep an eye on you personally.

Young: What's this matter that needs your attending?

E. Geb: You'll see.

Evil Geb straps on the NeSword and the Darkfoil, then throws on an overcoat identical to the one he wore on the first post of the first page of NeShattered, back when he was practically a different person. Taking Young by the hand, Evil Geb escorts her through immensely mammoth and complex levels and corridors, until they arrive at a rather unremarkable door. Evil Geb takes out a key, unlocks the door, and enters with Young, locking the door behind him.

Inside is a chamber with a device not too unlike The Thingy, though much more elaborate and well-built. Evil Geb turns to a terminal and types in a password at blazing speed, making it difficult for Young to determine what it was he typed.

Thingy-like device: Identification, please.

E. Geb: Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Its five year mission - to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Thingy-like device: Processing... access granted. Please state desired location.

E. Geb: Character Cemetary.

The Thingy-like device activates, opening a portal to a lifeless cemetary ground. Young looks at Evil Geb with more apprehension than usual.

E. Geb: Go.

Young does as commanded, stepping through the portal with her eyes closed. When she opens them, she sees herself on the cemetary grounds, no worse for the wear, with Evil Geb standing beside her. The portal then blinks out of existance.

Young: I was really expecting that to uh... hurt.

E. Geb: I finally fixed that bug in the system decades ago.

Compared to the palace and surrounding city of NeShattered Young had been just moments ago, the cemetary seems empty and lifeless, even for a graveyard. What little life in the air and ground there was is now gone, having been sucked to the walled megatropolis surrounding Evil Geb's stronghold. Young glances at the gravestones they pass by, and notices something familiar.

Young: These names... I know them.

E. Geb: I should think you would. The Otter, Maybechild, Losien... they once lived just as I do now, born of this shattered thread.

Young: What happened to them?

E. Geb: A few died of old age. A thousand years have passed. I live with youth still because of age-defying pools in the foundations of my palace, and because of the power which I wield and the position which I hold for the sake of the story.

Young: And the others?

Flashback to 999 years ago. A paradise world left by Highemperor is set aflame, chunks of the NeS past crash into the ground. The Geb of NeShattered -- Evil Geb -- hovers in the middle of the apocalyptic storm, laughing maniaclly. Shattered counterparts of the heroes stand before him with their weapons drawn.

S. Janitor Bob: Stop your madness, Gebohq!

S. Maybechild: It's not too late to change things, Geb!

S. Geb: What makes you think I want to change? It's not too late for you though, Maybe! Join my side, and we'll rule this shattered thread together!

S. Maybechild: Is that what this is all about? Me rejecting you?

S. Geb: No, but stepping on my heart sure makes this life of villainy easier!

S. CookedHaggis: This is your last chance -- stop now or we will have to kill you!

S. Geb: I'd like to see you try!

S. Galvatron: ATTACK!

Shattered Galvatron transforms into his dragon form, breathing ice on the evil Shattered Geb. The Shattered Otter hurls his Vulcan Flame, the Shattered Janitor Bob sprays his most powerful cleaning agent, and the Shattered CookedHaggis shields Shattered Maybechild as she plays her morale-altering lute. The flashback fades away, the scene returning to Evil Geb standing in the cemetary.

E. Geb: I killed them.

Young: *looking at the graves* You killed your own friends?

E. Geb: It's all part of the life of a villain...

Young: I can't say I sympathize.

E. Geb: I didn't ask for your pity, nor do I want it.

The two of them walk in silence.

Young: If I may ask...

She looks at Evil Geb, who looks at her with a raised eyebrow.

Young: ...where are we going?

For a while, he does not respond. Young is about to speak again when he interrupts her.

E. Geb: I'm visiting an old friend. His name was Highemperor, and he was my predecessor, so to speak.

At that moment, the two arrive at his grave. Young notices the marks of battle on the ground.

Young: Who was fighting by your friend's grave?

E. Geb: You're a perceptive little lady. Morthrandur -- the one who will be marrying us -- succeeded where I could not in putting an end to The Answerer.

Young: You're afraid of them, aren't you? Morthrandur and the Answerer.

E. Geb: What makes you say that?

Young: The way you talk about them, the tone of your voice, the look on your face... why are you afraid of them?

E. Geb: I'm not afraid of them!

There is a moment of silence. He sighs.

E. Geb: The Answerer has been the only one who truely threatened my power. We fought, and he nearly killed me. Had I not brought him before Morthrandur, here where we stand, I am almost certain that the Answerer would have killed me soon after. I'm not entirely convinced that The Answerer is truely gone, though now that I think about it, he felt the same way about Highemperor... I'm still not entirely sure of Morthrandur's motives either, only that it, like the Answerer, keeps those in check that would wish to be in the spotlight, in a manner of speaking.

Young: And that's why you don't use your power to its fullest...

E. Geb: That, and it's not good for the story. Now if you don't mind...

Evil Geb walks up to Highemperor's grave, leaving Young unattended. She does not run away, however, but instead watches Evil Geb as he kneels by the grave, straining her ear to make out what he is saying.

E. Geb: Hey there. Haven't heard from you in a while, old friend. I've missed you. Things have been pretty crazy lately. I finally made my way into the real NeS thread! My efforts to conquor it have failed so far... I've been cursed by a damn convinience store and with the EeP instead my head. I don't know what I was thinking...

Evil Geb suddenly moans in pain, clutching his head with a hand holding the Darkfoil. His pain appears to subside, and he continues talking.

E. Geb: ...if I could keep it under control, I bet not even the Answerer could stop me. But enough about that -- I'm going to get married!

Young notices that he sounds truely happy as he continues talking to Highemperor's grave.

E. Geb: Granted, I got into this because it's a pretty good villainous plot and it'll let me have kids, but... well, maybe I'll talk about that another time. It may not be perfection, friend, but I may yet make something you'll be proud of. As always, get well soon.

He continues to stay kneeling by the grave. Some time passes. Young hears him trying not to sob, and with great caution, walks up to Evil Geb. As she approaches, Evil Geb stands up and wipes his face, turning to look at Young with a smouldering grimace. A couple seconds pass, and Young snorts a giggle. She stops herself, and stares at Evil Geb, trying not to shake. His grimace turns into a weak, friendly smile, however, and follows it up with a hug. She returns the smile and the hug, then backs away as if she had hugged the EeP itself, which incidentially, she probably did.

Young: You shouldn't underestimate my friends. They'll put a stop to this wedding and to your evil ways.

E. Geb: Yes, of course. We need to be getting back. I'm sure they're speeding off to the wedding hall as we speak...

He gives Young a knowing glance, then holds out his hand for her to take. She looks at the hand, and at his face... then takes his hand with reluctance. With his other hand, Evil Geb presses a button on his wrist watch, and the two of them transport back to his palace.

-------------------------------

Meanwhile, back with our protagonists, seated at some tables in a nearby Denny's...

Sem: Man, am I sure glad that's all behind us now!

CM: Yeah, that whole barfight scene sure was tying us up.

Sugarless: So what the hell just happened? I'm still not used to this whole "NeS thing" I'm apparently a part of now.

Qhobeg: Hey look, it's the gunslinger-type that was chasing us before, but then dissapeared, now to show up again!

Everyone turns their attention to the gunslinger-type standing nearby their tables.

Sugarless: Hey! What about my question?

TLTE: What do you want, gunslinger?

The gunslinger strikes an intimidating pose. He reaches into his coat pocket, and everyone tenses up. He pulls out...

...a wallet, and gives it to the Otter.

gunslinger: You dropped this. I'd have given it to you sooner, but you kept running away.

Otter: ...thanks.

gunslinger: *looks at TLTE* You take good care of Jake there.

TLTE: Jake? His name is Amal.

gunslinger: Sure it is. I'll be on my way now...

And with that, the thinly-disguised Stephen King character exits the scene.

Sugarless: So anyway, about our rather convinient escape from the barfight that I totally didn't cause--

Mimiru: Hey, does anyone know where Ricky went off to?

Geb: The NeS incarnate? Probably realized how useless I am and went to find a replacement for me.

Subaru: Ugh! His emo is starting to get real old.

A familiar-looking waitress with the nametag "Red" on it walks up to their tables.

waitress: Welcome to Denny's. Can I start you all off with something to drink?

Otter: *to waitress* Do I know you?

waitress: Uh... no. ;>.>

Maybe: Just water for us all, Miss. Thank you.

Sarn: But I wanted a chocolate milkshake!

Maybe: Hush up. We can't be spending this whole post hearing people's orders.

Sugarless: Speaking of breaking the fourth wall, can we get back to the matter of how we dealt with the barfight--

Otter: Speaking of missing people, where's that winged-lady that was with us before?

Qhobeg: You mean Ariana? I think I saw her taken away actually. Should we try and find her?

The group shrugs and mutters with non-commital answers. Someone mentions something about too many damsels needing to be saved now.

Grismath: *from a table of his own quite seperate and distant from the others* Sem! You better be remembering to do your mission!

Sem: Isn't it a moot matter, since you're here?

Grismath: ... *hides behind his menu*

Sugarless: Is anybody going to tell me what the hell just happened?

Maybe: I wonder where Ford went--

Sugarless: Who cares! Why does nobody seem to care about how we were in a barfight one minute and apparently having breakfast at whatever ungodly hour it is the next? Why do I have to be the straight man here?

Otter: You're a man?

Sugarless: ....

Otter: Oooooh, I get it. You're a lesbian, but you're afraid to come out and say it. It's OK, beautiful. In fact, I encourage you to challange your fears and embrace another woman. I'm sure Maybechild will help you, because I have a feeling she might be a lesbian too, what with her repeated--

Sugarless slugs Otter flat on his back, with his legs in the air.

Voodoo: Well that was totally expected.

Maybe: I like this girl already.

Sugarless: Thanks! And here I thought you'd be holding a grudge against me for smashing a bottle over your head and all.

Maybe: Oh, right. I almost forgot.

Sugarless: *sigh* I could really use a stack of pancakes with a whipped-cream smilie face on it right about now...

Losien: So... what do we do now?

TLTE: Well-- [we should really make sweet Russian love, right here on the table.]
TLTE: Well, we should be advancing on Gebohq's shattered counterpart, before Christmas arrives.

*The characters continue to move their mouths, as if talking about a serious plan of action, but the background noise is now silent, and the main characters' voices have now been dubbed over by two or three amateur voice actors.*

Losien: [Why don't you love me for my MIND?]
Losien: But what about Ariana?

Geb: [If only I didn't know she was my sister! Now I'm going to continue to mope around and not do anything useful for another ten pages, despite being the apparent main character of this story!]
Geb: *sits super-emo, saying nothing as bickering begins to rise among the group, which slowly mixes with sounds of confusion.*

*The characters now seem to have noticed something odd, but their newly-dubbed voices hardly reflect this.*

TLTE: [My Soviet-sense is tingling! And it's in my pants.]
TLTE: Quiet! I think Amal might know what's happening.

Amal: [Why are you looking at me like that, mister?]
Amal: Our voices... who's speaking over us?

*Everyone looks at each other in wariness.*

[*fart noise*]

*Sugarless covers her mouth in horror*

Sugarless: [Oh gawd, the stench makes me want to hurl chunks!]
Sugarless: What the hell? We're being dubbed over!

--------------------------------------------------------------

*camera zip-pans back with Evil Geb and Young at a random high-tech console, with a large monitor displaying a detailed overhead diagram of the mega-tropolis the main characters and themselves are inhabiting.*

[Back at the ranch...]

Evil Geb: [Ha ha ha! Now they'll never make fun of my questionable dating tactics ever again!]
Evil Geb: Hahahha! With their voices dubbed over by comic amateur voice actors, the heroes won't be able to organize themselves in time to stop our wedding!

Young: [But they'll still be making fun of those shoes of yours.]
Young: Except that we're being dubbed over too.

*Evil Geb stops for a moment.*

[*fart noise*]

*Evil Geb covers buries his head in his head, shaking in shame.*

Evil Geb: [Man that reeks!]
Evil Geb: God I hate story conventions.

*He bangs on the console in fustration, apparently cursing.*

Evil Geb: [WHY DID WE HAVE TO PLAY GOD AND INVENT SMELL-O-VISION? Now I can't change the channel! Where did I put the batteries to the remote...]
Evil Geb: Damnit! Now I can't seem to reverse it! I'll have to recalibrate this crap before this gets out of hand...

Back at Denny's, everyone sits silently around the table, not wanting to talk. The waitress walks over and places a water in front of everyone, each with a slice of lemon. Sarn thinks of protesting the lemon, but he remembers the horrible voice over and cringes. Red pulls a pen out of her conveniently red hair and looks at the silent bunch with tired, unblinking eyes.

Red: Can I take your order?

Geb: What's the use…Oh! Hey! No lame voice over…I mean: they didn't love me enough I guess.

Sugarless: Oooh! I'll have a short stack of pancakes!

Red: With or without the smilely face?

Sugarless: *grins* With!

The waitress, Red, goes through everyone's orders and disappears.

TLTE: *coughs* Well, as I was saying, we should be advancing on Gebohq's shattered counterpart, before Christmas arrives and..erm…Miss?

Everyone looks at Gebohq and the red headed waitress crouching in the seat behind him about to poke him with a spork. She looks at TLTE and blushes as red as her hair.

Red: *nervous laughter* Haha…have to keep these seats shiney! *pulls out a rag and wipes down the seat*

Sugarless: *nudges Geb* I think she likes you, dude.

Geb: What does it matter?

Red: Uh…your right will be food out…erm. Oh, you understand… *walks off, randomly cleaning the backs of chairs as to not have appeared to suspicious*

Otter: Hm, she really does look familiar.

Sugarless: This is random, but has anyone notice how much better it smells without the NeS incarnate around…or what ever. The cowboy.

Everyone agrees and they, yet again, begin to discuss their plans to get to Shattered Geb's.

CM: Well hell, I guess we should go too...

Mimiru: Uhm, you can, but I think Young is going to need all the feminine counseling she can get after this ordeal.

CM: Oh... well um..

Mimiru: And since you never split up from me, you're not going either. So just sit back down.

CM: Uhm... okay. Sorry.

CM sits back down, somewhat miffed by the total control Mimiru has over him, but grudgingly accepts it.

Subaru: Maybe I could go?

Mimiru: Are you sure? I could use your help.

Subaru: There are plenty of others here. And plus, I think a sidequest is really what I need right now. I've got a lot of new powers, and I don't really understand how to use them yet. I know I'm a great healer and all, but in the end I'll probably just get in the way. Let me go, and learn a thing or two about these new developments...

Mimiru: Fair enough. You take care of yourself!

Subaru: I will. And... if you see Antestarr... tell him where I'm going.

Mimiru: Sure thing.

Subaru runs off to catch up to Otter. Once again, the room falls silent for a moment.

CM: Wait, did she just leave us with her bill too?! DAMNIT!

Wai: What do you care, your wife is filthy rich anyway...

CM: Wai! What in the hell.... where in the.... how did you.... but that's....

Wai: I was hungry! So sue me.

CM: But you're a freakin robot! Robots don't eat!

Wai: They do now.

CM: And where exactly are you PUTTING this "food"?

Wai: I'm mincing it and storing it to be deposited in a bathroom like any other civilized being, of course.

CM: But... you aren't digesting it! Why even eat if you get nothing from it?!

Wai: Well, mostly... cause it's funny to piss you off.

CM: What?

CM blinks, and Wai is gone. A half-eaten stack of hotcakes sits at the table

Mimiru: Now CM... he's your friend... don't get too-

CM: That *******! I'm gonna freakin rip his head off the next time I see him!


Subaru: Are you sure we should be playing upon Geb's need to be emo like that?

Qhobeg: You have a better idea?

Subaru: Well why couldn't you just carry him?

Qhobeg: Do I look like I'm made of muscle? What is it with you women anyway? Can't you just let something be!?

Subaru: So what happens when he realizes he can't reach the blackberry?

Otter suddenly grabs Subaru by the shirt collar, and in an incredibly dramatic voice...

Otter: Then.... my lady, we will all die!

Subaru: Oh come off it! And get off my shirt!

Otter: Well, you know, while we're here... like this... together...

Subaru: You even think of it and alcohol won't be the only thing you're missing.

Otter: You scar me, my lady! I would never even think as to do something that you were not completely okay with!

Subaru: Is that right?

Otter: Of course, I hold no responsibility if you are slightly inebriated while making such a decision, but I maintain my position!

Subaru: I hate you oh so very much right now.

Qhobeg: I know this sounds odd, but guys, we're lagging horribly behind Geb. Pick it up, will you?

Subaru looks forward to see an entranced Geb continuing to accelerate and increase distance between them.

Subaru: How the hell does he run that fast?

Otter: Aww hell there's no way I could run that fast!

Subaru (With a sigh): Alright, hold onto me.

Otter: Huh? Gladly!

Otter holds onto Subaru tightly... in all the wrong places. Subaru then focuses her energy into her arms to carry Otter, and also to her feet to increase her traction and to make her legs work at full efficiency.

Subaru: I've never really tried this before, so hold on!

Subaru, with Otter clinging tightly, dashes off after Geb. Qhobeg activates his Geb-it drive, and follows closely.

*Sheets of white whipped around Gebohq, Qhobeg, Ricky, Subaru, and The Otter, obscuring the path ahead. The feral roar heard from the area in front of them reprised itself, somewhat louder and closer.*

Qhobeg: Okay, if I bury myself head first in the snow down to my waist, perhaps this obviously large and hungry beast ahead of us will fail to smell me, allowing me to effect a sneak attack!

Otter: I'd just char it to... uh... charcoal if I only had some booze. Who's idea was it to run this adventure dry anyway?! Stupid wit not working completely sober.

Gebohq: Just leave me behind and run, guys. The wailing torrent of my suffering should give it indigestion that will prevent whatever's ahead of us from eating another human being again.

*A third roar ripped through the snowstorm. The group cowered, hoping that whatever was beyond the white veil was merely a polar bear or perhaps a raving dire penguin rather than some form of abominable humanoid snowbeast. However, as they contemplated their seemingly inevitable doom, a person shouted at them across the tundra from the direction that the roars came from.*

Person: Dadburn whippersnappers! Most vandals just kick the snowman and run off after they hear the first roar! Don't make me come out there and chase you off my lawn with a broom!

*A silhouette appeared before the group. The figure appeared to be in a robe of some sort, uneven disheveled hair atop its form and a long broom shaped apparattus held aloft from one extremity.*

Otter: Please sir, don't hurt us! We just got... uh... lost. Following some feathers! Just give us some brandy and we'll be on our way!

Person: FEH! Following... wait, that voice. You sound like that Otter fellow. I knew the guy a while back. Crazy lad. Quite the drunkard... Well, don't just stand there in the cold, the house is up the trail a short way. Door's unlocked. I'll go get out of this old bathrobe and into something more appropriate for entertaining guests.

*The silhouette disappeared into the billowing snow just as the wind let up enough to show the frame of a seemingly rustic log cabin shaped shelter up ahead. Unsure how to react to the sudden invitation, the group cautiously approached the front door.*

SUDDENLY!

Sarn: What the--

Three men in flamboyant purple, red and green combat outfits burst into the Denny's and face towards our lackluster heroes.

Mimiru: Hey!

What? You've been sitting around. And now you get this.

CoolMatty: Get "what," exactly?

Green man: I'm Ted.

Purple man: I'm--

Ted, the waiter, walks up to them, breaking their routine.

Ted the waiter: HI THERE! My name's Ted too! Isn't that just CRAZY?! Can I--

The red man delivers a palm strike to Ted the waiter. The waiter goes sprawling to the ground. Everybody cheers. The three men then form into their performance again.

Green man: I'm Ted.

Purple man: I'm Ned.

Red man: And I'm Fred.

Ted/Ned/Fred: And we're...

The three super-theatrical men strike a jazz-like group pose.

Ted/Ned/Fred: ...THE TROUBLESOME TRIO!!!

They continue holding their pose, waving "jazz hands" and grinning like idiots. Everybody is dumbfounded, except for Voodoosnowflakes, who is still banging her head against a wall, trying to stop the music.

Sugarless: Troublesome?

Ned: We've been sent by our master, Gebohq, to stop you all from ruining his wedding at any costs!

Losien: *whispering to Maybechild* Gebohq?

Maybe: *whispering back to Losien* I'm pretty sure they mean the Geb from this place, hun -- the evil one.

Losien: Oh.

Fred: Do not underestimate us, for we are all trained in martial combat -- physically and magically -- and we've never been defeated!

Semievil: Because you're "troublesome?"

Ted: DREAD TED TECHNIQUE!

The green-wearing Ted springs from his position to a random person nearby, grabs them and holds down a remote trigger with his free hand The purple-wearing Ned pulls out an ultra-high-tech sub-machine gun and fires it in the air.

Ned: EVERYBODY DOWN!

The patrons of Denny's, terror-stricken and familiar with Evil Geb's power, fall to the ground. Coolmatty starts to get to the ground.

Mimiru: Not you!

CoolMatty: Oh, right.

Ted: If anyone does anything funny, I'll kill my hostage!

TLTE: A hostage situation?

Ted: Something like that. I am a master of containing conflict, and of escalating them. You will all find it difficult to escape me, or penetrate through the defenses that I make. If you're foolish enough to stay, you will not only have to worry about yourselves, but of the innocents I will take out with me if you try and kill me. Or maybe just be...troublesome.

Ted shakes the remote trigger in his hand, grinning.

Sugarless: He's a suicidal madman!

Ted: Oh, but that's not all. Ned?

Ned: DREAD NED TECHNIQUE!

Ned flicks a needle-like object at almost imperceivable speed, striking Maybechild in the neck. She jerks in reflex, then pulls the needle out, noticing that the tip of the needle appears to be coated in something strange.

Ned: I am an expert marksman, and could certainly kill you all myself right now, if I chose to do so. That gets boring though, so I've learned to become an expert in poisons. Your friend there will slowly weaken, and perhaps by the next day or so, she will die a very agonizing death. I hope to tag you all.

Maybechild goes wide-eyed, digging in her purse to see if she can find some herbal cure. Ned giggles.

TLTE: And what about Fred? What's your "dread technique?"

Fred: Uh, Ted? do I really have to do this?

Ted: Yes, you have to do it! We don't rehearse for fun! Say it!

Fred: *sigh*... Dread Fred Technique...

The red-clad Fred makes a gesture, and suddenly there appears to be five of him. They each say a part of a sentence, or together.

Fred: I'm capable of protecting myself and dealing with you all with my illusions. I am also capable of augmenting and healing those whom I chose.

TLTE: How troublesome.

Oh no, a stand-off with three of quite possibly the most difficult no-named villains yet!

Ted: Hey! We have names!

Whatever. They're certainly "troublesome" indeed! How will our heroes deal with Evil Geb's croonies? Will they ever be able to stop Evil Geb's wedding at this rate?

Really, our heroes have no chance to survive. They best make their time.

OOC: Geb just won't leave me alone...

Flashback

Grismath still didn't understand. The top scientific minds of Canada had been summoned to investigate the mystery of how the suspected terrorists - and, of chief importance, Semievil, whom the Canadian Collective now had reasonably suspected had gone double-agent - had managed to entirely disappear in a flash. These scientists had since given up and left. Leaving only a few engineers not yet out of university behind to attempt the problem with various odds and ends around the facility.

First the plane bombing. Then Tumbleweed going missing. Ammobelt pleading innocence - either way, he'd have a lot of time to think about it in a tiny solitary confinement cell. Division within the very ranks of the Canadian Collective. Things just didn't add up. Apparently, neither did the calculations of one young engineer by the security clearance ID of 'kyle90.' Although the top minds had designed an interdimensional transporter theoretically capable of taking a group to 'NeShattered,' kyle was unable to pinpoint the exact coordinates of this destination.

Nevertheless, this was Grismath's only chance to catch up with these terrorists. No one knew what they could be up to wherever they were, no doubt raising an interdimensional blob army to cleanse Hell of its frosty citizenry.

Grismath had hand-picked an elite team of rank and file Collective officers, under the command of what few Agents he could yet spare and trust. Agent Sno-Cone, his beard still frosted from the harsh cold outside stood at the front, was joined by Agents Thawbroke and Murdertongue. All were armed to the teeth with their weapons of choice and plenty of ammo.

A technician monitored fluctuations in the interdimensional plane for an opportunity to open a portal with the transporter on one screen and watched TV on the other. Lord Grismath knocked his bag of potato chips away and bade him to concentrate. He did not have any room for failure. Unfortunately, he would have to make some. The technician sat up and observed a fluctuation. He turned on the machine and the task force, after a deep breath and a "Go Team!" entered the rift.

Grismath twisted the antenna on the TV and he was able to get a somewhat clear picture of the task force hurtling through a psychedelic wormhole. When they were spit out on the other end, they found themselves stranded in 19th century London. Only since this was a parallel dimension, all the Londoners were actually fish. Agent Murdertongue tried to fire one of her MP5 submachineguns in alarm; however, only Goldfish crackers came out of the barrel. Agent Thawbroke qucikly ate these so as not to litter in the dimension they had just entered as guests.

In a fit of rage, Grismath bashed the TV with the butt of his plated revolver. kyle90 figured it was not the best time to inform his Lordship that the technicians would be unable to monitor the status of the task force without a TV that could tune in to the right station. Meanwhile, elsewhere, Suburban TV guy found a new show to watch.

"Sir! Sir!" The technician cried, "I'm detecting another fluctuation! This one's sure to lead to NeShattered! It's gotta!"

Not suspicious of the technician's simpleton use of the vernacular, Grismath decided that if he wanted to get to the bottom of this mystery, he would do so himself. If things did not work, it might just be about time that Grismath move on from the Canadian Collective to his next exploit anyway. In the meantime, kyle90 had whipped up a "hook" device that, if worn, would act as a lifeline back to our dimension. So long as Grismath had physical contact with the "hook," the engineers promised that they would be able to bring him back to Canada at any time.

He commanded the engineers to turn on the transporter again and he boldly entered the light...


Since interdimensional travel is so exhausting, Grismath had worked up an appetite. This NeShattered place seemed normal enough, so he got a table at the first diner he found. Suddenly, he noticed Semievil! And the terrorists! Or some of them, anyway. Although he blurted out a few things, he determined to watch this group at a distance.


Meanwhile, in Fish London, the stalwart task farce of the Canadian Collective dashed through the midnight streets, fleeing from the ever-present shadow of... Jack the Flipper.

Back at the Denny's...

Sarn: Alright, everyone listen up.

TLTE: (muttering to himself) Oh, this will be good.

Sarn whirls, and fixes TLTE with a withering glare.

Sarn: Leutenant, I'm ashamed! How can you be an example for the cadets if you're going around making sarcastic comments? Drop and give me 20!

TLTE: eh?

Sarn: Leutenant. What is the correct response to an order?

TLTE: Uhh, "Yes, Sir?"

Sarn: You dolt. It's "Aye aye, Sir." I've half a mind to revoke your commission. Make it 40 pushups.

Voodoo looks up from the jukebox. She motions to Semievel...

Voodoo: What's going on? Why's Sarn talking like that? Is it some kind of diversion?

Sem: Well, no.. Not exactly. I'll explain later.

TLTE meets Sarn's glare defiantly.

Fred: Uhh guys? We're kinda supposed to fight now!

Sarn: I'm sorry, Ned. It will have to wait. My leutenant needs to learn some manners first. Get to those pushups TLTE.

Fred: I'm Fred, not Ned. Don't you even read the script?

Sem: TLTE, I think you'd better do those pushups..

Sem winks at TLTE. TLTE shrugs and drops to the floor. He begins pumping out military style pushups with surprising effeciency.

Sarn: Very good, Leutenant. Now then, Ned. That's no way to talk back to your superior officer is it?

Fred: Uhh.. no.. sir?

Sarn: 20 pushups. And you'd better finish them before TLTE finishes his, or there'll be trouble.

Fred: But... I'm not Ned! I'm Fred!

Sarn: Pushups! Now!

Sarn grabs Fred by the ear and twists. Fred drops to his knees. Ned and Ted watch on in stunned silence.

Fred: Ok, ok! I'll do the frazzing pushups!

Fred begins doing pushups.

Sarn: Much better, Ned. Now then. Is anyone else going to show disrespect?

Sem: No, Sir!

Sem turns away to keep Sarn from seeing the mischevious smile forming on his face. TLTE resumes his feet.

TLTE: Uhh, sir? Pushups completed.

Sarn: Very well, Leutenant. Give me 20 more.

TLTE: But...

Sarn reaches towards TLTE's ear.

TLTE: Uhh, aye aye, Sir!

TLTE drops and begins doing more pushups. Meanwhile Fred has completed his pushups. He rises to his feet.

Fred: Uhh, sir? We're kind of supposed to fight you. That's why Geb sent us.

Sarn: Did you do your full 20 pushups, Ned?

Fred: Uhh, yes Sir. About that fight...

Sarn: Oh yes, of course. First we'll need to devise a strategy. Luckily for the rest of you, I'm an expert tactician. Here's what we'll do. I'm going to split us up into three Firetea-

Sem: Uhh Sir? Pardon the inturruption. But remember, you can't use that phrase. We never did pay for the rights.

Sarn: Nonsense cadet, you forget that we are now in NeShattered. And NeShattered is controlled by Evil Geb. Therefore, he'll be responsible for me using the term. Now as I was saying. We'll divide into three Fireteams, Fireteam Alpha, Fireteam Beta, and Fireteam uhh.. 3.

TLTE stands, having completed his pushups.

TLTE: Fireteam... 3?

Sarn: Yes of course. Now then, when I give the word, Fireteam Alpha will advance towards the enemy. Fireteam Beta will cover Fireteam Alpha, and Fireteam 3 will cover Fireteam Beta.

Sem: So who's gonna cover Fireteam 3?

Sarn: Not to worry, Cadet. Fireteam 3 will consist entirely of main characters, and therefore, according to story convention, will be practicaly invinceble.

Sem makes a heroic effort to keep sarcasm from his voice.

Sem: Umm.. Of course, Sir. Brilliant.

Sarn: I'm glad you recognize the genius behind my plan. It's troopers like you who go on to be Admirals some day. Now then, let's split up. Fireteam Alpha will consist of myself, Miss Snowflakes, those two random patrons over by the bar...

Random Patron 1: Hey!

Sarn: ...and Semievel. Fireteam Beta will consist of that couple at the table there with the waffles, Losien, TLTE, and Amal. And Fireteam 3 will consist of CoolMatty, Grismath, Mimiru, Sugarless, and Maybechild. Now then, Fireteams! Form UP!

Fred: Sir, what about us?

Sarn: Well.. I suppose we could have a Fireteam D...

Ted: Fred, you moron. We're not on the same team as them!

Fred: Oh yeah... Wait a second. Why was I doing pushups for him then?

Ted: I don't know. Why were you exactly?

Fred: Well I don't know.. I mean, he just seems really smart. Maybe we should be on their team? We are pretty outnumbered...

Ted: Yeah, but we have annoying, tedius powers. Besides, we've never lost, remember?

Ned: I don't know, Ted.. I'm kinda with Fred on this one.

Fred: Could we at least split up into Fireteams or something?

Ted: No, they've already split up into Fireteams and we're on different sides. We can't use the same name. We'll have to call them something else.

Sarn: How about Strikegroups?

Ted: That's not bad... I'll be Strikegroup 1. Fred you're Strikegr-

Fred: How come you get to be Strikegroup 1?

Ted: Well fine, whatever. You can be Strikegroup 1.

Fred: Oh, I see how it is. You're too good for Strikegroup 1, is that it?

Ted: What? No... I just...

Fred: I'm sick of you thinking that you own this Troublesome Trio. Ned and I should have a say too. And, while we're on the subject, you always leave the toilet seat up..

Ted: But... we're all men! Why would I put the toilet seat dow-

Fred: You know, Ted. Sometimes I have to go number 2.

Ted: Yeah well, Fred.. All I ever hear from you is number 2.

Ned: Uhh guys?

Fred: That's it! After we kill these guys, I want to renegotiate my contract.

Ted: Why don't you renegotiate yourself right out of our Trio?

Ned: Guys?

Fred: It wouldn't exactly be a trio then, now would it?!

Ned: GUYS!

Ted: What?

Ned: Where'd those guys go?

The Denny's is empty.

Ten minutes later, and two miles down the road...

Sarn: Fireteam Beta! Advance!

The members of Fireteam Beta run forward a few paces, then assume a "combat-ready stance."

Sarn: Fireteam 3! Advance!

TLTE: Uhh, sir? Don't you think we'd be faster if we just ran for it?

Sarn: Sure, until we got AMBUSHED! I don't pay you to think, Lieutenant. Now then, everyone listen up. I think we'll be much faster if we just advance all at once, so I'm combining Fireteams Alpha, Beta, and 3 into Fireteam Supra. Fireteam Supra, Advance!

...

Later, in the evil fortress of evil Geb...

Evil Geb: I wonder if the mail's come yet...

Evil Geb checks his mailslot. He notices one item that seems unusual.

Evil Geb: What's this? A bill from Captain Cadpill Rights Management? What did I ever buy from them?

Evil Geb rips open the envelope. His eyes go wide as he scans the paper.

Evil Geb: Thirteen thousand dollars for "Usage of copyrighted phrases"!? I'm trying to plan a wedding here!

Young: Umm, that's Canadian dollars.

Evil Geb: Oh, of course... So?

Young: So according to current exchange rates, it's actually only just over eleven thousand dollars.

Evil Geb: Oh sure, that makes a huge difference...

We rejoin our heroes fleeing for their lives from the TROUBLESOME TRIO down a vacant city street... Suddenly TLTE stops. He motions everyone else and they all join him.

TLTE: Why are we bothering to run? There's fifteen of us, and only three of them. We outnumber them five to one. Why don't we just teach them a lesson and be on our way?

Sarn: I don't know.. You heard them. They've never been defeated. They're like.. Mike Tyson in his early years.

TLTE: Hmm, or perhaps they are more like russian chess players?

Sarn glares at TLTE.

Sem: You guys are weird. Besides, they said they've never been defeated, but why should we take their word for it? You know, they could be lying. I say let's face up against them.

Sarn: Well I suppose. But let's do this smart. I've a brilliant idea. We'll form up into Fireteams and-

A second passes. Sarn stares blankly ahead as though lost in thought.

Sarn: I'm sorry, what was I saying?

Sem: Something about.. Fireteams, sir?

Sarn: Fireteams, huh. That sounds cool. What's that? And why do you always call me "sir"? We're friends. Call me Sarn.

Sem: Uhh, right.. Ok, Sarn.

Sarn: Anyway, what's this about Fireteams?

Sem: Oh, nevermind. Let's just go kick some ***.

TLTE: We might not need to go anywhere. There they are down the road. They've nearly caught up to us.

Sarn: Ok then, let's do this!

Our heroes begin preparing themselves for battle. The unnamed Denny's patrons assume a battle stance. Sarn hefts a broken tree branch found conveniently nearby. CoolMatty closes his eyes briefly and pops his knuckles, mumbling to himself as he prepares a few nasty spells for the TRIO. TLTE draws from under his cloak a matching set of silver Desert Eagle handguns. The rest of the heroes similarily prepare themselves for battle. Voodoo pulls from some inner pouch a cellophane-wrapped deli sandwich. Sarn looks over at her, startled.

Voodoo: What? They're only $4.99 at the Convienence Store of the Damned.

Sarn: So uhh, what are you going to do with it?

Voodoo: Eat it. I can't do battle on an empty stomache.

Voodoo unwraps the sandwich and takes a bite. Sarn shrugs and turns back to the approaching TROUBLESOME TRIO...

As the trio approach, TLTE gently pushes Amal behind him.

Amal: What are you doing, TLTE?

TLTE: Er...these people who are coming are not nice people.

Amal: Are they tired? Uncle used to get mean when he hadn't slept much.

TLTE: Yes. Yes, these people are tired. Very tired.

Amal: So what are we going to do to help them?

Cool Matty, standing close to them, snorts a laugh.

CM: We're going to put them to sleep, kid. For a good long while.

Sarn: EVERONE READY?

Sem: We all know the drill here - defeat bad guys, save the cute child!

Voodoo: Here they come!

TLTE pats Amal on the head reassuringly.

TLTE: Stay behind me, little one. As long as you're behind me, you won't be hurt.

Amal: What about this one, TLTE? He looks really tired!

TLTE spins, startled -

- and his worst nightmare stands behind him.

Figure: I found you at last, you commie scum!

All of TLTE's breath shoots from his mouth in a trembling hiss. He stumbles backwards, pulling Amal with him, his eyes bulging widely in fear. The remaining heroes turn around and regard the object of TLTE's terror...

A man stands ten feet behind them, clad in a suit of red, white and blue. From a distance, squinting, one would mistake him for the classic 'Uncle Sam' of American legend, right down to the large hat - but this man's face is younger, leaner and tougher, with haughtily etched features that are as sharp as they are foreboding. His teeth, pearly-white, expose themselves in an angry sneer. The eyes, a cold blue, focus only on TLTE, who is nearly cowering. His shoulders are as wide as a star quarterback's, leading arms that are as muscular as an Olympic weightlifter's. He points accusingly at the Russian spymaster.

Figure: All these years I've been tryin' to lasso your bolshevik ***, you managed to hide. You crawled under every rock, hid in every crevice, and I chased you. And now...now...I tracked you down.

Voodoo: Excuse me, but we're about to battle here. Who the hell are you?!

TLTE: H-he's the...the P-P-P-

Figure: I'm The Patriot, buttercup. The guardian of truth, justice and the American way since the Cold War, which, incidentally, is when I met this Ruski and all his clone companions. And now that they're all dead - I'm here to finish the job!

TLTE: Oh, borscht.

.......

Lying on the ground, shocked and half-crazed in terror, TLTE remembers...

ON A COLD NOVEMBER DAY IN 1988, AT A SOVIET OUTPOST TOO REMOTE TO COMPREHEND THE WANING OF THE COLD WAR, THE SECRET CHAMPIONS OF THE U.S. AND THE U.S.S.R. BRAVED ONE FINAL APOCALYPTIC SHOWDOWN....

The interior of a Russian bunker. Inside a top-security control room, klaxons are blaring. Colonel Romanov, his features grim and bathed in strobing red light, barks orders into a mircophone.

Romanov: Lock down the security grid! Give me an update on the perimeter guard! Someone top up my double vodka with another vodka!

Sweating and haggard with fear, a guard rushes up to deliver a status report.

Guard: The perimeter guard has been breached, sir.

Romanov: Breached?

Guard: Or, more to the point, disintegrated.

Romanov: By Stalin's moustache...how many clone troops are left?

The guard consults a security panel, just as several nearby explosions rock the complex.

Guard: We're down to the last twenty.

Romanov: That'll never be enough to stop him!

Another explosion. Several people scream in Russian; this is quickly drowned out by the rapid burst of an automatic weapon.

Romanov: We must evacuate! ALL TROOPS, PREPARE TO -

A final explosion goes off, so close that it knocks Romanov and everyone else in the control room flat. Dimly, Romanov realises that the blast has removed one of the walls, and he stands up defiantly, revolver drawn. A figure starts moving through the smoke...

Romanov: Stand down, capitalist scum! I swear to God, one step further and I'll shoot a socialist conscience into you!

The figure moves into clear view. It is The Last True Evil - but his trenchcoat is shredded, his face pale and his eyes unfocused.

TLTE: For...our glorious leader...

He falls down, stone dead. At that moment, ANOTHER TLTE limps forward, bloodied and injured, this one carrying a star-spangled figure on his back.

TLTE: It has been...done, Colonel Romanov. The Patriot has...been defeated....I regret that due to blood loss...I will be forced to debrief on the floor...

He topples over, throwing the massive frame of the Patriot onto a control panel nearby. Compared to his Russian captor, who looks moments from death, the Patriot looks only mildly wounded - more asleep than unconscious.

Romanov: Number 105? What happened to the others?

TLTE: I regret to inform you....that they are all dead. All...of the military TLTE clones save myself...have perished in glorious battle with the Yankee devil.

Romanov and the other occupants of the control room gape in horror.

Romanov: Number 105, how is this possible? The weapons...the training...you went into battle with some 200 elite clone brothers, and only you remain?

TLTE coughs up a little blood, apologises inwardly to Lenin for displaying weakness in front of his superiors, and continues.

TLTE: 'The Patriot', as he insists on...calling himself...has been upgraded synthetically. Biotechnology...nanotechnology...he is still human, but only barely.

Romanov: My God...did you manage to protect the statue of Yuri Gagarin in the outer compound?

TLTE: I tried, Colonel...but when the Patriot shot me at close range with an elephant gun...my body betrayed me by flying backwards into a wall.

He hangs his head in shame. Romanov tut-tuts him.

Romanov: How very Western of you. Well, at least you have killed this American once and for all...

TLTE: That...is unfortunately...untrue.

Romanov: He isn't dead?

TLTE: No. He had a magnetic...force field. Couldn't get a bullet in. We had to...drop a building on him...just to incapacitate him!

Romanov: Then I shall finish the job for you!

He stalks up to the unmoving Patriot, aims the cocked revolver at his temple...then hesitates.

Romanov: No, wait. This is a blessing in disguise. The Yankees have spent billions of dollars on this super-soldier's organic chemistry - to kill him now would waste our opportunity to steal all the technology for the next brand of clones!

TLTE: No....

Romanov: Men! Place this creature into stasis!

TLTE: Please...no....

Romanov: Contact the Kremlin! Get me that triple vodka!

He walks away, leaving a devastated TLTE to ponder the future of his greatest foe...

Scene-swipe back to Qhobeg, Gebohq, The Otter, Subaru, Ricky and someone who appears to be an older Antestarr...

Ante(?): *to Geb, fearful* What do you want?

Geb: Well, I'd really like--

Qhobeg: Why'd you go dissapearing before? And why do you look like hell now?

Ante(?): I...don't understand. This isn't the villainy I know.

Otter: Wait a minute... Antestarr? Are you still interested in saving Young?

Ante(?): Young? Who's that?

Otter: Just as I thought. This is not our Antestarr.

The person who appears to be an older Antestarr suddenly looks around, as if perceiving a new environment.

Ante(?): This is not my beautiful house. *looks at Subaru* This is not my beautiful wife... I think I understand now too.

Subaru shifts uncomfortably.

Qhobeg: Well I don't! What's going on?

Otter: You know how Geb's evil counterpart came from this thread we're in?

Qhobeg: Yeah?

Otter: This is Antestarr's equivilant.

Qhobeg: Oh.

S. Ante: And y'all are the most beautiful delusions I've had yet! An existance where the NeS continued as it should have... heh! What an imagination I have! Come, sit down with Russell on the couch, and we'll figure out how to help you.

Shattered Antestarr gestures to the couch, where no one is sitting, least of all something that could be referred to as Russell.

S. Ante: *to the couch* Hmm? Oh. *to Subaru* Russell's a bit shy to ask himself, but he'd be delighted if you sat next to him, miss...?

Subaru looks at the others uncomfortably, and they in turn return empathetic uncertainty.

S. Ante: Ah -- where are my manners? It's been too long since I've had guests, even if they're of the delusional kind. I'll be back with drinks and an inventory list of things that might interest you.

With that said, Shattered Antestarr heads offto some unseen part of the virtual log cabin house that they're occupying. Gebohq, with little care for anyone, plops down on a chair adjacent to the couch. The others follow his lead with hesitancy, Subaru leaving a space for where she supposes Russell might be sitting.

Subaru: I wonder if Russell looks sexy in his head.

The others look at her dumbfounded.

Subaru: ...What?

-------------------------------------

Meanwhile (NeS count: 12, 11 elsewheres piping, 10 suddenlys leaping...), back at Evil Geb's Palace of Power...

*camera zip-pans over Evil Geb's Palace of Power, which is decked out in white Christmas lights*

...Evil Geb is preparing the last of his arrangements for his big wedding, when one of his servants enters the scene. The servant's legs are trembling, his teeth chattering... he's also cold because Evil Geb hasn't turned the heat on in his palace.

servant: Uh...sir?

Evil Geb: I'm not turning on the heat! You know how expensive heating an entire palace gets? And I don't want to hear any "money isn't any concern with unlimited power available" comments!

servant: That's not why I'm here, sir.

Evil Geb: Then what is it?

servant: Well, sir... it seems nobody's coming to your wedding--pleasedon'tkillme!

The servant shields himself with his arms in reflex. Despite appearances, his arms would be his best defense, as they were magically enchanted to shield himself from virtually any attack. Unfortunately, the servant doesn't know this, and realizing the normally unreasonable act of holding his arms up in defense against someone like Evil Geb, forced himself to hold his arms at his side. If he were to die, he figured, he would die with dignity.

As it happens, it was a moot point, as Evil Geb did not immediately strike his servant down dead on the spot.

Evil Geb: And why's that? Well? Spit it out!

servant: W...well, it seems that too many other people have plans for that day, sir.

Evil Geb: Ugh...figures. I hate this stupid holiday. I was hoping to replace it with my wedding anniversary. Oh well, move it to the next day.

servant: Sir? I...I don't think that'll be enough time, if I may be so bold.

The servant flinches, but Evil Geb smiles, and hangs his arm around his servant's shoulders as if they were old buddies.

Evil Geb: You know, Armando, you're right. You figure out a good date, within the hour, and make sure everyone's in on the change of plans. Try not to reschedule it too much later, mmk?

servant/Armando: Yes sir!

Armando the servant runs out before Evil Geb could change his mind. Young, whom conviniently had been standing outside the field of attention (but had witnessed the scene), walked up to Evil Geb.

Young: That was un-villain-like of you.

Evil Geb: He's not getting a bonus this year.

Young: Ouch...

*Meanwhile, in the parallel fish universe the remaining members of the Canadian strike team have holed up in the second floor of an abandoned factory.*

Thawbroke: "Do you know why we're here?"

*Agent Murdertongue looks up from administering medical aid to one of the wounded soldiers.*

Murdertongue: "That's it, we're out of bandages."

*Agent Murdertongue drops the empty medical bag to the floor.*

Murdertongue: "We're here because of a catastrophic failure with the teleport."

Thawbroke: "No, we're here because of Semievil. We only got sent out because he abandoned his mission. We woulnd't be trapped here if it wasn't for him."

Murdertongue: "In all fairness, Semievil didn't break the teleport. You may as well get angry with the whiz-kid engineers. Or for that matter, Gebohq and The Last True Evil - Sem was supposed to spy on them."

*Agent Thawbroke unsheaths his Canadian-issue combat knife and examines the razor-sharp blade.*

Thawbroke: "Yeah, well I think I might have some left over for them when I finish with Semievil."

Murdertongue: "Alright, just keep it together."

*Furious, Agent Thawbroke explodes.*

Thawbroke: "Keep it together? Well, let's see: the portal drops us off in nineteenth-century London except they have fish where they should have people and before we know what's happening we're being hunted down in the streets by a giant talking dolphin! That wouldn't be a problem except that our guns shoot delicious goldfish snacks instead of bullets, so all we can do is run away!"

*Thawbroke jams his knife back in the sheath.*

Thawbroke: "But that doesn't really matter because even if people were people and bullets were bullets there would still be no way out of this screwed-up alternate parallel dimension!"

Murdertongue: "I know! Calm down! I know! We'll figure something out."

*Thawbroke controls his temper.*

Thawbroke: "Okay."

Murdertongue: "We need to get some medical supplies and treat our wounded. After that, I don't know, but one thing at a time."

Thawbroke: "That isn't going to be easy. Our thick Canadian accents are a dead giveaway. And we don't really look like fish."

Sno-Cone: "On the plus side, we've got hundreds of rounds of crackers."

---------------------------------

Meanwhile...

Sarn: "Ensign, the Lieutenant appears to be incapacitated with terror - I'll be needing a new volunteer to fling himself in front of me when the phasers start zapping."

Semievil: "Aye aye, Captain Space-Commander, sir!"

Sarn: "I'm not joking, Ensign. Something tells me that this could get..."

*Captain Sarn's eyes narrow.*

Sarn: "...troublesome."

*We wait a beat.*

Sarn: "And that something is a feeling. And the feeling is in my gut."

*The camera moves in for a close up shot of the heroic space captain.*

Sarn: "And it's a gut feeling."

*Just as Sarn Cadrill's inspiring speech concludes, the Troublesome Trio leaps into attacking range. *

Fred: "Red Fred makes the dread!"

Ned: "I am Ned! Fear my dread!"

Ted: "The dread is what will make you dead! Ahahahahaha!"

*Ted and his other two-thirds break into grating laughter.*

Cool Matty: "This is going to get really annoying."

Sarn: "Really TROUBLESOME-annoying."

Cool Matty: "What? Hey -"

*Caught off guard, CM goes down under a flurry of blows from Fred and his illusory doubles. Ted menacingly moves in on Sarn who bravely stands his ground like the deluded spaceman he sometimes is.*

Ted: "Dread Ted attack!"

Sarn: "That doesn't scare me."

Semievil: "Sarn, look out!"

*Sem launches a techological-magical lightening bolt at Ted, scorching the bad guy and knocking him away from Sarn.*

Sarn: "Good call, Lieutenant. Now position yourself between me and that bad man pointing a gun at me."

Semievil: "Get down!"

*Sem dives over to Sarn, knocking him out of Ned's line of fire just as the bullets begin to fly.*

Sarn: "Another close shave! Good for me!"

Semievil: "Look, they're doing something!"

*Sem points, and indeed, something is happening: Ned and Ted fall back a short distance, and Fred (after being violently pulled off of CM by Sugarless and Losien) rushes to join them.*

Sarn: "Ha! Looks like the Troublesome Trio is troublesome-retreating!"

*Dusting off his imaginary uniform, Sarn stands up and address one of the random Denny's patrons.*

Sarn: "You there, soldier. Prepare to execute victory celebration Sarn-Bravo-Five. Aaaaand...engage!"

*Sarn makes the world reknowned Captain Picard 'engage' gesture, but all eyes are on the Troublesome Trio, each member of which has his fist raised in the air. A red beam of light shoots from Fred's arm.*

Fred: "The Troublesome Trio fights a battle..."

*A green beam shoots from Ted's fist, connecting with Fred's beam.*

Ted: "...and our foes are more than double..."

*A purple beam shoots from Ned's fist and intersects with the two other beams.*

Ned: "...but while our enemies dawdle and prattle..."

Sugarless: "Good grief."

Troublesome Trio: "...Trio powers combine to make more trouble!"

*A white beam shoots out from the point where the coloured beams cross. Missing Sarn by mere inches, it singes his shirt and completely vapourizes the random Denny's patron.*

Sarn: "So that's how it's going to play from now on? Very well."

*Sarn begins shouting into the non-existent comm. badge not pinned to his shirt.*

Sarn: "Attention spaceship: commence orbital bombardment!"

*Fed up, Semievil grabs Sarn by his shirt lapels.*

Semievil: "Will you get it together?!"

Sarn: "Stand down, ensign. I have high friends in powerful places - one word from me and your career is over!"

Semievil: "It's time to fight! Let's go, snap out of it!"

Sarn: "I think you're forgetting who the captain is."

*A second magical laser barely misses the heroes, obliterating a nearby section of desert terrain.*

Sarn: "The captain is me."

Semievil: "You were mostly normal back at the restaurant. Why did you have to kook out now?"

Sarn: "Excuse me, ensign? I'm Sran Capdill. I defeated the giant freaking sand monsters. I think I can handle the silly squad and their light show."

Semievil: "It's 'Troublesome Trio'.

Sarn: "Don't test my patience."

In Shattered Antestarr's log cabin, our depressed hero Gebohq, his clone Qhobeg, British oddball the Otter, martial artist chick Subaru, and the self-proclaimed personification of the NeS, Ricky, all sit around on sofas and easy chairs, all looking vaguely uncomfortable, except for Gebohq, who is reciting depressing poetry to himself, and the Otter, who is sitting next to Subaru and giving her "the eyebrow". Actually, this could be a large component of Subaru's uncomfortableness.

Anyway, Shattered Antestarr emerges from the other room, holding a tea kettle and teacup on a tray. He looks at the others in a surprised manner.

S. Ante: Uh... hello. Who are you lot and what are you doing in my cabin?

Qhobeg: Um... you invited us in.

S. Ante: Did I? You'd think I would remember something like that. Russell, do you remember me doing that?

There is silence. Everyone looks at the empty space on the couch to Subaru's left.

S. Ante: Oh, I see. Russell says you're all hallucinations, and that I may be going insane. That explains it! Welcome to my home! Or did I say that already?

Qhobeg: Yeah, so anyway, you wouldn't happen to have seen a kidnapped woman recently, would you? Some shadowy figure probably has her hoisted over his shoulder in classical kidnapping fashion. Also, she has big white wings.

S. Ante: Can't say as I have. Tea?

Subaru: Have you seen any white feathers lying around?

S. Ante: White feathers? Oh, yes, there's a whole trail of them outside in the snow. Some woman with white wings was dropping them while being kidnapped.

Qhobeg: You just said you didn't see anyone like that!

There is a brief pause.

S. Ante: No I didn't.

Otter: Oh bloody hell, the man's daft as a poodle on pot! Let's be going, shall we?

Subaru: But what if he knows something about Ariana?

Ricky: I say we forget about this chick and go find this other Gebohq and kill them. I mean him! Just kill him, not our Geb, here! Goodness, no!

Gebohq: Oh, why don't you go ahead, life isn't worth living anymore anyway...

S. Ante: In fact, I kept one of the feathers. I was going to make a pillow. See?

Shattered Antestarr produces a white feather from somewhere. Everyone stares.

Qhobeg: Allright then, show us where you found it!

S. Ante: You mean you don't want tea?

Otter: Actually, I could go for a spot of--

Qhobeg: No, we must be going. Show us.

S. Ante: Fine. Bloody hallucinations. Russell, go show them where you found the feathers.

Everyone sits uncomfortably. Ante's gaze goes from the couch to the door, as if following an invisible person who just got up from the couch and went to the door.

S. Ante: Well? I thought you wanted to get those blasted feathers!

Subaru: Um... we can't see Russell, Ante.

S. Ante: What are you talking about? You can see me, can't you? Or is it because you're my hallucinations, that you can only see me? Interesting.

Qhobeg: Dude, just show us yourself.

S. Ante: Fine! I will!

Shattered Antestarr walks to the door and points outside at the ground. There, in the snow, is a trail of feathers going right by the log cabin's front door.

Otter: Should have thought we'd have seen that...

The trail is found once more! Will our heroes ever find this Ariana chick? And if so, will they find her in time to go and stop Gebohq's and Young's wedding? Find out next time, or possibly the time after that, on the Never-ending Story, your source for madcap humour and non-sequiters! Platypus!

[Check it out, a picture of the characters involved in this post!]

S. Ante: Crazy kids. Can't even see white feathers in a windy snow-bound land...

Qhobeg: Well, uh, thanks. Guess we better be off--

S. Ante: Wait! I almost forgot. Hold your horses, I'll be back in a jiffy.

Shattered Antestarr leaves. Several moments pass. Then several more. An hour... the group silently agrees to leave when Shattered Antestarr returns.

Qhobeg: There you are! So what did you forget?

S. Ante: Forget what?

Otter: Let's just leave!

S. Ante: Wait just a minute, there. Y'all will want some stuff before headin' out.

Qhobeg: We really don't have time for--

Shattered Antestarr straps a Pound Puppy plushie on Qhobeg's head. He begins outfitting the others with similar attire.

S. Ante: You'll want to wear these. Seems some punks keep wanting to "liberate" my pink lawn flamingos, and I don't want them causing you trouble. These will keep you safe.

Ohobeg: Right...

S. Ante: And a pink one for you, miss.

Subaru adjusts the plushie that Shattered Antestarr places on her head. He then places a similar feminine plushie on Ricky's head.

Qhobeg: Uh, he's a guy.

S. Ante: Don't lie to me, son. I haven't gone and lost my marbles!

Ricky: <.<;

Qhobeg: Sorry, uh, sir. Thanks. We'll be--

S. Ante: You sure y'all don't want to stay a bit longer?

Qhobeg: N..no, we really can't. We have to be going.

S. Ante: Well, take this.

Shattered Antestarr hands Qhobeg something that looks like a communicator, with one big button and several long antennae sticking out of it.

S. Ante: You give me a call if you need anything, you hear?

Qhobeg: Uh, yeah, sure. Thanks. Goodbye then!

S. Ante: Goodbye!

Qhobeg, Gebohq, the Otter, Ricky and Subaru leave quickly, continuing on the trail.

Time passes.

The trail leads the band to yet another cave. There is a sign posted at the entrance that reads "Cave of Abomination."

Qhobeg: That was quick. Thank the writers for skipping over the boring stuff.

Subaru: You're saying this isn't boring now?

Otter: Can't say the sign is very uplifting. Who goes posting these sort of things anyway?

Qhobeg: Who cares? We got Geb here -- we'll be fine.

Subaru: Right, because he's been the epitome of uplifting as of late. Speaking of, he's been a bit quiet. Did his voice give out from all the whining or something?

Gebohq: mrharm....

Qhobeg: What?

Gebohq: [insert emo dialogue here]

Ricky: [question about Gebohq]

Otter: [distressed observation that Geb's emo-ness and role as "main character" is effecting everything around him, including others]

They stop in the cave or something. Why bother describing more? Nobody's reading.

Qhobeg: [says something to Subaru]

Subaru: [yells back at Qhobeg]

Qhobeg looks at Geb, does something....

...and Gebohq falls unconscious on the cave floor.

Qhobeg: Well, that seemed to solve the problem.

Otter: No it didn't! Now we have to carry him? I'm not going to do it!

Subaru: Neither am I, at least not now.

Qhobeg: Fine, we'll stop here for now.

Subaru: Well I'm going to head to the little ladies' room.

Qhobeg: In case you hadn't noticed, this is a cave. There aren't any...bathrooms...

Qhobeg watches as Subaru walks to a very-out-of-place set of doors in the wall, one marked "Men" and the other marked "Women."

Qhobeg: Ugh, this whole episode couldn't get any more troublesome...

Just then, the communicator Qhobeg received from Shattered Antestarr rings. He answers it.

Qhobeg: Hello?

S. Ante: (over the communicator) Hi! I was just wondering if you all were doing alright...

Qhobeg: *to himself* For crying out loud, he's like a mother!

Meanwhile, in Geb's unconscious state, Gebohq sits up...

Geb: Wh...where am I?

Weren't you listening? Your unconsciousness! See the ill-defined setting you're in right now?

Geb: Ah, got it. But I'm unconscious -- should I really be so aware? So...conscious?

This is going to be one of those "you'll forget everything when you wake up" moments.

Geb: But--

Hey! Do you see me questioning why you're not being emo right now? That's right -- no more questions!

Geb: ...ok? I mean, ok. Yes. So time to dream up some beautiful women!

No dice. Sorry, Geb.

Geb: Then what am I-- Maybe?

Maybe: Hey there. Let's go fight some bad guys!

Geb: OK...

Maybechild is ready to lead Geb by the hand when The Last True Evil appears in front of them. Maybechild holds close to Gebohq's side.

Maybe: A bad guy!

Gebohq draws his blade -- the relative-mock version of the NeSword before the events of page 50 -- towards The Last True Evil.

TLTE: Don't do this, Geb. I am not your enemy.

Maybe: He's lying! He's the greatest villain of NeS! Stop him before he hurts us!

TLTE: You have to stop Arkng Thand! And your Shattered self! The forces of Hell! The Forgotten Characters! War! Death! Taxes! Your friends! The one... you love.

The Last True Evil strikes a particularly dark look at Maybechild.

Geb: No... this can't be right. That's not how things are supposed to be in NeS...

Maybe: Do what you know is good! Stop the bad guy, get your girl, have a laugh!

TLTE: Do what you know is right. Confront the real problems, don't fall for the easy, love that which isn't light.

Geb: But...

Maybe: Do something!

TLTE: Do something!

Geb: No! No no no no no NO!

Gebohq attempts to run away, but is slowed down by an invsible force. Or by Maybechild, close by his side. The Last True Evil also appears in front of Gebohq, no matter which direction Gebohq turns to try to run away.

Geb: GAAAAAAAAAAAH!

He struggles free of the restraining force, only to fall into a puddle of mud. When he looks up, he sees...

What? The cliffhanger's here? OK, then. Keep hitting that refresh button every five seconds for the next installment of NeS goodness!

As a minimum wage worker who has spent hour after hour perhaps year after year leaning against a counter in a state of boredom, Voodoo has had time to daydream about how the things in a kitchen can be used for different scenarios including zombie attacks or extremely hostile customers or coworkers. And only being allowed to respond to irate customer's abuse with "I'm sorry you have had a negative shopping experience, would you like a number for our head office or a customer feedback card?" instead what she would like to say (" look you prick! I don't know how to get you any fresher meat short of dragging a cow in here shooting it in the head once you have made your order for a beef sandwich!) has bottled up some anger. She can usually hide that anger behind a shell of boredom and apathy, but if she really does care about something, or annoy her anger will show. This trio (and the Christmas music) has annoyed her enough already and it has been a long time since she really did care what happened to her and what happened to someone she cares about.

Voodoo: Wait!

Voodoo runs back into the Denny's

Ted: Look at her scurry!

Fred: She better hurry!

Ned: Remember they have no chance, why worry?

Trio: Indeed our opponents are not worthy!

Cool Matty: Even when they are not throwing laser beams and vaporizing random patrons, they are annoying.

Voodoo rummages through the kitchen she finds a apron quickly ties it on and puts a nice selection of knifes in its pocket. Turning it into a little shield, she ties on a small skillet onto her arm. Rolling pin, Check. Garbage Bags, Check. Can opener, Check...


Out side the Denny's the Trio our heros and other parties included in battle continue to wait.

Sarn: *Blink*

Ted: *cough*

Voodoo checks the cooler.


Voodoo: Breakfast sausage links, not salami but this will do, Oh YES! she giggles to herself as she rummages through the fridge "I've always wanted to go egging."

She looks up and notices the first aid kit and fire extinguisher.

Voodoo: Never know when you might need them.

She tosses the first aid supplies and extinguisher into a garbage bag and returns to the waiting fray.

Trio: Oh look who is back!

Voodoo lobs an egg at the Troublesome Trio and yells like a school girl trying to stand up to the bully at recess.

Voodoo: HEY YOU TROUBLESOME F@#$&! I HAVE A SAUSAGE TOO AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!

Patriot: Come now, Last True Evil, stand and fight me like a man!

TLTE: I would, you see, but uh...

Conviniently, The Patriot is accidentially attacked by the Troublesome Trio.

Patriot: What the--

TLTE: Yes! Again, my minions! Strike him down! Deal with the others later.

other heroes: Huh?

Troublesome Trio: Is he talking to us?

Patriot: You won't get away with this, evil-doers!

The Patriot spins around and leaps into the air, diving down upon the Troublesome Trio. He lifts one, hurls him at the other two, and before they can regain footing, shoots them with a revolver. The heroes watch in awe as the fight suddenly comes to an awkward stop. The Patriot turns back around, to find The Last True Evil gone.

Patriot: Damn!

Losien: Thank you for helping us, sir.

Patriot: Well of course, miss. Now did any of you happen to see where that Russian ran off to?

Sugarless: Pretty sure he headed for the train station about a mile that way.

Patriot: Thank you. I must go now -- stay safe!

With that, the Patriot sprints towards the direction Sugarless pointed. The other heroes start to glare at her.

Sugarless: ...what?

Mimiru: That man -- The Patriot -- wants to kill him! That's a bad thing!

Sugarless: Oops?

Mimiru: Come on -- we're going after him, and you're coming with me!

Sugarless: What?

Mimiru: You caused the problem, and you're gonna help solve it!

Sugarless: Oh... *whine* How I wish...

*cue music*

Sugarless: o/` Oh how I wish I was back home,
Where I could be free to roam
But I'm lost and alone,
Having apparently been sewn,
tied to this threaded TAP-ES-TRY OF--o/`

CoolMatty: Hey, you really don't have time for a song right now. Nice voice, though.

Sugarless: Thanks?

CoolMatty: Now get going!

Sugarless: *whine*

Mimiru: You're coming too, mister!

CoolMatty: *whine*

Mimiru, Sugarless, and CoolMatty begin to pursue The Patriot, who is pursuing The Last True Evil. Losien begins to follow them, when Maybechild holds her back.

Maybe: Not us, hun. We're heading back to the Palace of Power.

Losien: But he'll need us!

Maybe: No! We've been over this before.

Losien: Oh-kay...

Voodoo: Sarn, I think maybe we should follow these two, as I'm not so sure about that Patriot guy...

Sarn: You say that as if you've never heard of The Patriot.

Voodoo: Should I have?

Sarn: Have you been living under a rock your whole life?

Voodoo: The only life I've been aware of until I met you has been inside the convinience store of the damned.

Sarn: Oh... but still! The Patriot's only one of the most famous American heroes. He's what Geb and I and everyone at heroes college dreamed of becoming! But it'll make you feel better, I'll miss being in the presence of quite possibly the greatest hero ever -- next to yours truely, of course -- and stick with you and the others here.

Voodoo: Thanks.

Semievil: So anyway -- we'll go stop the wedding then, and because this is the NeS--

Maybe: NeShattered.

Semievil: --whatever, we'll probably bump into TLTE and the others when we get there.

Maybe: ...right. Just try not to cause any trouble, ok? Sem?

Semievil: *in the middle of casting something* What?

Maybe: What are you doing?

Semievil: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm altering the elements of reality to teleport us to Evil Geb's place.

Semievil strikes his staff onto the ground. Suddenly, the earth shakes violently, as if the ground beneath them would crack open. Instead, after the dramatic rumbling, a circular bottomless pit opens up beneath Semievil, Maybechild, Losien, Voodoosnowflakes and Sarn Cadrill -- the effect similar to pulling a tag in a pop-up book.

Maybe: Sem?

Semievil: Yes?

Maybe: Fuq.

Semievil: Hey! That's my line--

The four of them fall into the virtually-bottomless pit.

!!!MEANWHILE!!!

Amal: Why did you run away like a sissy coward, sir? And why are we sitting in this train?

TLTE: We didn't run away! We, uh, advanced in the opposite direction. I am not a sissy coward... And we're sitting in a train because...trains are fun! And it's going to that shiny palace over there. See?

Amal: Oh look -- that tall man in red, white and blue is going to join us after all!

TLTE: Borscht! We're uh, going to play hide and seek with that man, ok?

Amal: Woo!

Not too far from the train, CoolMatty, Mimiru and Sugarless chase the Patriot, who is currently boarding the train.

Sugarless: Too...much...running...

CoolMatty: Oh, quit your whining! You've never tried chasing down Geb when he owes you fifty dollars!

Mimiru: The train's starting! We're going to have to jump.

Sugarless: WHAT?! Are you insane?

CoolMatty: Jumping on moving trains is standard affair here, Sugarless. You'll be fine.

Sugarless: I won't be fine if I miss!

CoolMatty: Hold my hand. Mimiru, grab her other hand.

Sugarless: Huh?

Mimiru/CoolMatty: And JUMP!

Sugarless: AAAAHHH!!!

CoolMatty, Mimiru, and Sugarless leap from the station platform onto the end of the train, which is now skyrocketing in speed. Sugarless almost falls off, but CoolMatty and Mimiru pull her to safety.

Sugarless: ohmygodohmygodohmygod...

CoolMatty: You're fine, see? Nothing to it.

Voice from down the train: Tickets please, tickets...

Mimiru: Crap, we don't have any tickets. What to do, what to--*urk*

CoolMatty: Uh...please stop strangling my fiancee, Sugarless.

Elsewhere, in some dark corner of the train...

TLTE: *whisper* We might be playing this game for a while, OK? *to himself* If years as a spy got me anything, it's not being found...

Light shines on The Last True Evil and Amal, with The Patriot's sillouette hanging over them.

Amal: He found us, he found us! What fun!

TLTE: I think I'm going to cry...

Oh snap! Will The Patriot and The Last True Evil have a showdown? Will CoolMatty, Mimiru and Sugarless be able to help The Last True Evil, or will they be thrown off the train? Will the other heroes make it out alive from the bottomless pit? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW!

Sugarless: [mumble]... frigginstupididea... [mumble]... jumpingontodamntrains... [mumble]... makingmeRUN!

CoolMatty: Sugarless!

Voice: Ticket- ma'am! Ma'am, I cannot let you manhandle passengers.

Mimiru - *glurk*

The train attendant pulls sugarless off Mimiru.

Attendant - Ma'am! I'm going to have to ask you t-

Sugarless - Where's the bathroom?

Attendant - *blink*

Sugarless - Nevermind, I'll find it myself.

Sugarless wanders aimlessly through the train. Suddenly the train lurches. Caught off guard, sugarless gets thrown into a random dark shady looking corner of the train, crashing into a looming figure.

Sugarless - Hands.

Voice - What?

Sugarless - Hand check. I feel a hand where it shouldn't be.

The figure blushes. At least, it seems like he did -- she couldn't really see in the dark.

Voice - Uh...sorry!

Sugarless - No permanent damage done. Hey! I know you! Aren't you the American or Mel Gibson or something like that?

Voice - The Patriot. It's the Patriot.

Sugarless - Right! I knew it was something like that. Well I hope you haven't found that TLTE guy yet, it turns out I can't actually let you kill him. Sorry 'bout that! Hey does anyone here know where the bathroom is?

The Patriot and TLTE blink at Sugarless.

Coolmatty: Mimiru, show the man the ticket.

Mimiru: What?

CM: It was your idea. Show him the ticket.

Mimiru: You know as well as I that we don't bloody have a...

CM: MIMIRU! For the last time, look at me. Show him the ticket.

Mimiru: Oooooh.

Mimiru goes into her super-seductive mode, and gets up close to the train attendent.

Mimiru: Well, see sir, I was just wanting to get on this train so I can make it in time to get to my family reunion. My grandfather is very sick, you see. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't there for him in... you know...

Attendent: His... last moments?

The attendent has locked eyes with Mimiru, and his heart is pumping like a racecar.

Mimiru: Oh yes. That would be terrible! And see, sir, in my rush to make it on the train in time, I seem to have left my ticket in my bags back at my house...

Attendent: Well ma'am, without a ticket, I can't...

Mimiru, not willing to give up easily, grabs his hand, and brings it close (KEYWORD: close) to her chest.

Mimiru: Tell me, you fine young man, do I look like the type of lady who would lie to you?

Attendent: No no! Of course not, I didn't mean...

Mimiru: Then you understand! Oh thank you so much!

Mimiru drops the man's hand and hugs him tightly.

Mimiru: I'll never forget this.

Attendent: No, no I say I won't either.

Mimiru and CoolMatty continue to board the train, heading in the direction where Suglarless ran off.

Mimiru: You owe me big time for that.

CM: Me?! Excuse me, but I just meant you should punch him in the stomach, or kick him in the nuts or something. I didn't mean for you to sell yourself to him!

Mimiru: Then why the hell didn't you say something?

CM: Well, it's not like I ever get to see a show like that...

Mimiru: I don't think you could handle it.

CM: What, you think I'm not man enough for you?

Mimiru: CM, you're not man enough for anyone. You're a mage with a short attention span, no muscles, and a knack for running away.

CM: Hey! You could have at least fibbed a little.

Mimiru: And I love you for that. So pack your ego up and lets go.

CM: *sigh* Okay...

------------------------------

Elsewhere...

Qhobeg: You know, she's been in there quite a while now...

Ricky: Maybe she fell in.

Qhobeg: We should probably see if everything's okay.

Otter: I agree!

The gang walks over to the women's bathroom door, and Qhobeg knocks.

Qhobeg: Subaru? Is everything okay in there? You've been in there a while!

Silence answers.

Ricky: Well that's no good.

Qhobeg: Indeed. Someone should go in and check on her. But none of us are...

Otter and Qhobeg look at Ricky.

Ricky: What are you looking at me for all of the sudden?! For the fifth time, I am not a girl! And I am NOT going in there.

Otter: Fine, I'll go in!

Otter, without even waiting for a response, bursts into the bathroom.

Otter: Don't worry my fine lady! I shall save you from the toilet paper monster!

Standing in front of Otter was a spick-and-span bathroom with all the amenities. Including a Subaru still pulling her pants on over her underwear.

Subaru: EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU PERVERT! GET OUT OF HERE!

Otter: Uh oh, bad thing!

Qhobeg and Ricky stand outside with their ears to the door, only to suddenly back away at the sounds of crashing and violence.

Subaru: I'm gonna kick your alcoholic *** right back to NeS^2!

Otter: No, please, not the hat! AHHHH!!! I'M SORRY, I WAS WORRIED!

Subaru: You were not! You could have sent Ricky in! You pervert!

Ricky: For the last time, I am not a damn woman!

Subaru: Then what the hell are you doing in here? GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!

Subaru grabs the closest sink, and rips it out by channeling power through her arms. She proceeds to chuck it at the fleeing men, only to have it hit the door and crash thru into Qhobeg.

Qhobeg: Hey! What the hell did I do?!

Subaru: I'm sure it was YOUR idea!

Qhobeg: I'm sorry! Now get this thing off of me, it's heavy!

Otter and Ricky attempt to lift the sink.

Otter: Uh... this is quite a bit heavier than... urk... I expected!

Ricky: We're not gonna be able to move this thing anywhere.

Subaru: Watch out you weaklings!

Subaru reaches down and attempts to lift it herself.

Subaru: Urk... that is heavy... how the hell did I lift this in the first place?

Qhobeg: Thats.... what I'm wondering.... egh. Hurry up, I think my intestines are collapsing.

Subaru: I did something different back there... how did I do that... hmm...

Qhobeg: Anytime today would be nice...

Subaru concentrates on what she did earlier. She grabs the sink with a grip of steel. Then, in an epiphany she remembers the surge of power. The power wraps through her arms again, and the sink comes right up and off of Qhobeg.

Otter: Well, I do say, you're a strong lady.

Subaru: Every day I learn something new about my power... I just wish I knew where it came from...

Qhobeg: Well that was all nice and everything, but if you don't mind, can you stop holding that over my head?

Subaru chucks the sink back in the bathroom, and then kneels down to heal Qhobeg.

Subaru: I'll tell you what though, I feel a lot better. Almost like I'm on a sugar high.

In record time, Subaru heals Qhobeg's wounds. Still feeling power coursing through her body, she begins to pace around.

Ricky: Everything alright? You look antsy.

Subaru: It's that power... it's not like it usually is. Usually I'd be incredibly drained by now... but I feel perky! Let's get moving!

Otter: Err, yes, okay my lady!

Qhobeg: So, with that "power" of yours, you gonna carry Gebohq now?

Subaru: Nice try, Qhobeg.

Qhobeg: Worth a shot.

Further ahead in the speeding train, the Patriot and TLTE face off. It is horrifyingly tense.

Sugarless and Amal watch on, their (comparative) innocence blinding them to the tension. For them, the situation is merely awkward.

Finally, the Patriot draws back a mighty fist, and thrusts it towards TLTE's face -

- but at the last moment, TLTE interposes a rather impressive looking electronic device between his face and the Patriot's knuckles.

TLTE: Harm me, and you'll take us all out!

Patriot: What the hell is that?

TLTE: The trigger to eight tactical nuclear weapons I hold in my coat. This compartment, this train, the entire subway, and about 45% of the thread would be instantly vaporised, were your meaty paw to strike this device.

Amal: What's a nuclear weapon, TLTE?

Sweating quite visibly, the Russian spy looks down at his young charge, then levelly at his hulking American adversary.

TLTE: A bad thing, little one. A very bad thing.

Sugarless: Uh, let's not get hasty here...

TLTE: I'm sorry, who are you again?

Sugarless: Oh right. New NeSHero.

TLTE: Right. Sorry. They come and go. Well, New NeSHero, I'm not even sure
eight nukes will finish off the 'man' in front of us, for want of a better term...one way to find out, though, eh comrade?

The cruel, pallid features of the Patriot corrode into a snarl.

Patriot: You'd risk the lives of this young child and woman? Two souls who could still be easily melted back into the God-fearing American dream?

TLTE: Without a doubt, tovarish. I'm a godless communist, remember?

Patriot: Rarr!

Suddenly, with a blur of movement, the device is in the Patriot's hand. TLTE blinks at his own empty hand. Amal laughs and claps heartily, whilst Sugarless buries her head in her hands.

Patriot: Ma'am. Little boy. Stand behind me, while I shield you from the blast that will eradicate this scum from the world.

He yanks them behind his star-spangled outfit.

Patriot: Farewell, Commie.

TLTE scrunches his eyes shut. The Patriot's thumb smashes down on the controller...

VOOP!

With a strange sound effect, and a bright blue flash, The Patriot is gone. TLTE, exhausted, falls to the floor.

Sugarless: We're not dead?

TLTE: No.

Sugarless: You're not dead, either?

TLTE: If my throbbing, fear-induced migraine is anything to go by, then no. I am still, wretchedly, alive.

Amal: Did you trick the bad man, TLTE?

TLTE ruffles the young boy's head and smiles wearily.

TLTE: Da. Even I am not foolish enough to carry around more than 3 nuclear devices at a time. The remote was actually a one-shot plot hole generator, created in case I ever found myself at the bottom of the ocean or such. Luckily, my quick cunning and the Patriot's disdain for nuclear arms proliferation met, married, had torrid, steamy sex, and gave birth to my temporary escape.

Sugarless: Temporary, huh?

TLTE: Yes, my new friend. I'm just an old husky dog with a few tricks. I can't win against American biotechnology, and I can only outsmart my foe for so long.

At that point, CM, Mimiru and Subaru walk in.

CM: Typical! TLTE's lounging on the floor, no use to anybody...

TLTE shrugs his shoulders helplessly and stares out the window.

*Falling. Falling. Falling. And falling some more. Falling. Descending Rapidly. Falling.

Sem: I'm hungry.

Semievil, along with Losien, Maybechild, Voodoo Snowflakes, and Sarn Cadrill, are falling down a bottomless pit. They've been falling down this same pit for several hours now. It's getting quite boring.

Sarn: Y'know, this is getting quite boring.

Sem: Quite.

Voodoo: Actually, this is only like a level three on the 'how-boring-is-it' scale. Believe me I know.

Sarn: Right. Convenience store employee. Touche.

Maybechild: If this is level three, then what is level ten like?

Voodoo: Oh, level ten is nothing. It's level eighty-three you have to worry about.

There is an awkward silence as the fallers digest the unpleasant concept of a level eighty-three of boredom. Losien opens her mouth as if to ask a question, but then closes it. There is more silence. Also more falling.

Sem: Y'know, I once met this mutant koala bear who--

Just then, the falling stops! With a crunch of relief, the group impacts onto a cold stone floor.

Sarn: Ow my spleen!

Sarn: Well, at least this isn't boring...

Losien: Where are we?

Maybechild: This... this appears to be a dungeon cell.

Shattered Geb: Muahahaha! That's right, Maybechild! You've all fallen into my exceedingly clever and villainous trap! You see, I knew that sooner or later you would try to teleport straight here, so I--

Sem: Yeah yeah, here's the thing: Do you have a bathroom in this place? I had three cans of coke before we fell into that bottomless pit, and six on the way down, and now I really have to go...

Look out! It's a trap! ...oh darn, I should have said that earlier. Whoops. Sorry. Well, stay tuned to see how they get out of this one! If they get out of this one! Well, actually, they probably will. But at what price? If you don't keep reading, dear reader, you may never know! (Also, a little help with the writing would be good too. The Never-ending Story Shattered! The only place in the world where you come to be entertained, and we chain you to a chair and put you to work! Bwahaha!)

Shattered Geb: No! There's no bathroom!

Sem: Well, OK. I suppose I'll just have to use a corner...

Maybe: For Pete's sake, Sem, not in public! Hold it in!

Voodoo: Shouldn't we be attacking him? *points to S. Geb*

Sarn: That's right -- get him!

Everybody gangs up on Shattered/Evil Geb, but apparently go right through him.

Sem: Damn, I knew he was good at evading, but it's like he's a ghost!

S. Geb: Or a hologram, dumb-***. See the projector? Do you think I'd put MYSELF at the bottom of a pit? I thought you were supposed to be all tech-saavy, Sem.

Sem: ...

Semievil turns and cries in a corner.

S. Geb: Now, as I was saying... BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now i will torment you all in this inescapable pit until--HEY! STOP THAT!

Losien, having followed the wire connected to the projector, pushes a facade wall away, revealing a hallway. The heroes begin filing through it.

S. Geb: NO! Don't go that way! Bad heroes! I'll give you candy if you stay!

Sarn Cadrill stops momentarily, apparently considering the proposal, when Voodoo drags him with the others into the hallway.

Sarn: Awww, but...but... candy!

Voodoo: There's candy down the hallway, honey.

Semievil: There's no candy down the--OOMF!

Semievil cradles his side that Voodoo happens to be standing adjacent to.

Maybe: Once we find an exit, we'll have to assess where we are relative to Evil Geb's palace, and then--

Voodoo: Hey, why are you helping us? I thought you were working for him, since you and her *points to Losien* were working for Greenpeace.

Maybe: Uh....erm...

Sem: Hey look! A bathroom!

Semievil dashes into the bathroom. The group waits...

*cue over-used "peeing for a really really long time" comedy bit*

Semievil returns.

Sem: OK, I'm good. Back to our adventure that never involves sleeping, eating, or pit-stops?

Maybe: Please! Seems like that's all we've been doing...

The heroes turn a corner in the hallway and SUDDENLY!!!!!

...A CLIFFHANGER!

Keep reading to find out what happens next!

A RANCOR BEAST!

The hideous monster roars and charges toward Semievil, Sarn Cadrill, Voodoo Snowflakes, Maybechild, and Losien, who stand there for a moment, in shock. Or rather, Semievil, Sarn, and Voodoo stand there in shock, while Maybechild and Losien look suspiciously less shocked.

Sem: It's a trap!

Maybechild: Quick, run toward it! It's our only chance!

Sarn: OK!

Sarn runs toward the rancor beast.

Voodoo: Sarn, wait! We forgot about Maybechild being evil!

Maybechild: No, you've got it all wrong, Greenpeace are the good guys here! We're protecting the environment and the helpless defenceless animals!

Semievil: What, by feeding us to them?

Sarn flies across the room and collides with the wall beside Semievil. The rancor beast roars.

Losien: That's right! We're letting Nature take her course! You evil monsters won't be able to harm our precious environment any more!

Voodoo: Yeah, we'll see about that.

Voodoo walks out into the big room with the rancor beast in it, brandishing the long chain of breakfast sausage links she'd retreived from the Denny's. She cracks it like a whip at the rancor beast, which makes a 'yipe' noise and pulls back.

Losien: Ewww, sausage, how barbaric!

Maybechild: How would you like it if I pulled out your entrails and made them into a breakfast food, huh?

Semievil: Actually, that happened to me once.

Maybechild: Really?

Semievil: Yeah. It wasn't that bad. Gave the whole tribe of cannibal midget clowns indigestion, though.

Voodoo throws eggs at the beast, right into its eyes, blinding it. It stumbles around, roaring and whining, and Voodoo runs at it, lassoos it with the sausages, and hops up on its back. Pulling her fire extinguisher out, she jams it down the monster's throat and stabs it with a knife. She hops down and the rancor beast begins flailing around wildly, running into walls in a comical fashion, before falling on the ground and lying still.

Voodoo: Convenience Store Worker: One, Nature: Zero.

Losien: You monsters! You horrible evil monsters! How could you?

Voodoo: What, I should have let it eat us?

Losien: Yes! That's what any sensible Vegan would have done!

Silent beat.

Sarn: So yeah... you guys were trying to lead us to our doom all along, eh?

Maybechild: And it would have worked too, if it weren't for those sausages!

Losien: We must protect the environment from capitalists like you who would rape it!

Wai: Doo dee doo... wait... this isn't the bathroom...

Sem: No, that's down the hall on your left.

Wai: Oh, cool, thanks.

Sem: So, now that we know that you two really have gone insane, what should we do with you?

What should they do with them? How are they going to get out of these mysterious underground hallways? And will Shattered Geb's sinister wedding ever take place? Find out next time, same bat time, same bat channel!

(NSP: I keep meaning to write for the sub-quest concerning Ariana, but keep putting it off. Until then, more craziness with the people in the pit! Er, hallways now...)

Maybe: Oh please! If we were really "evil" we'd have tried killing you or, uh, been spouting psuedo-philosophical monologues. Not that I wouldn't mind spouting one about the inherent issues with deciding what's "good" or "evil" even in the context of the NeS. Besides, you all aren't exactly in a position to "do something" to us.

Voodoo: She has a point.

Sarn: But... no! You two should pick what kind of person you're going to be and stick with it!

Semievil: ...right. I'm glad Sarn's here to make me look smart... Let's just keep going down these suspense-ridden hallways and procrastinate on the problem some more.

Maybe: Now that's a NeS philosophy if I've ever heard one.

Losien: Maybe... maybe we should just quit Greenpeace and join back with our friends. I don't feel right about this...

Maybe: Hey! Don't make me smack the sense back into you, Losien!

Losien: But--

Maybe: No buts!

Losien: I think--

Maybe: SHHHHH!!! We're approaching a corner in the hallway.

The heroes inch slower and slower towards the corner, reluctant to turn and see what awaits them ahead as the illogical anxiety heightens to a palpable state. Drawing close to each other, the group walks around the corner...

SUDDENLY!!!!

...they see another hallway, nearly identical to the one they had just been in before.

Sarn: I could have sworn that was a moment worthy of a redshirt's death.

Voodoo: Same here...

The heroes walk down the ill-maintained but otherwise mundane hallway, their apprehension growing without reason as they turned another corner, and another, and another, all with similar anti-climatic results.

Maybe: I blame the background music.

Semievil: No, wait! I think I might know what's going on. I think we're stuck in a Suspense Convention Corridor System. Basically, an SCCS augments the strengths of potential danger to the protagonists. In this case, the protagonists would be us.

Maybe: Well this will get old, fast.

Semievil: Yeah, about that, see, in order for a SCCS to work effectively--

Maybe: Oh no, we're approaching another bend! I sure hope we're not attacked by a giant tentacle monster with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney so that it can sue us for damages!

Semievil: Uh...Maybechild...

Maybe: HAHAHA! That's a good one! If NeS has taught me anything, it's that I can expect a lot more of nothing! We're main characters -- what could possibly go wrong?

Maybechild leads the others around the next corner as she says her last line...

SUDDENLY!!!

A giant tentacle monster with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney (so that it can sue the heroes for damages) appear!

Semievil: ...I hate you so much right now, Maybe.

Maybe: Oops?

Meanwhile, in the Cave of Abomination...

Qhobeg: Oh, the abomination!

Otter: How abominable!

Subaru: Abominable! That's fun to say -- abominableabominableabominableabominableabominable...

Geb: ...

Ricky: If Geb were conscious, I think he'd say that living is an abomination and that he should just kill himself, so I'll do that for him.

Ricky prepares to snap Geb's neck, when everyone else looks at Ricky... with abomination... Ricky pets Geb's head instead.

Ricky: Kidding, of course! That would be an abominable thing for me to do, especially since I'm the NeS... >.>

The entourage continues to spelunk deeper into the Cave of Abomination. Oh crap! None of the others said "spelunk" in this post!

Subaru: That was a different storyarc -- man, was that abominably absurd.

Oh, right.

...abominable.

(NSP: Still haven't bothered with progressing this part of the story myself, so I'm encouraging quesadilla_red to do so, and apparently she'll only write for this part if the last post deals with the same part of the story, because she's weird like that.)

(NSP: psh.)


After five more grueling minutes of sentences including a variation of the word "abominable"…

Rick: Arg! What's wrong with you people!?

Otter: You were doing it too.

Rick: >.>

Subaru: How do you say those faces anyway?

Rick: I need to take a walk. *pauses* <.< *scurries off*

...

Rick walked further back in the cave. Slowly, he felt his body begin to drag – his feet hurt and they suddenly felt constrained by his shoes. The darkness of the cave was brightening though he hadn't walked far. He felt no desire to turn around and look to see how far he had walked. Grease and noise filled his senses as he walked over to the nearest table. Jersey's summer humidity filled the never-ending room of tables he had yet to serve. Sighing, Rick pushed some loose red hair behind her ear. She looked listlessly down at the happy couple sitting on the same side of the booth.

Rick/Red: Yous guys ready to order?

...

Subaru: He's been out for quite awhile...

Otter: Just kick him already. We need to get moving or we'll have to fight some random lame encounter.

Rick: *wakes up just in time to get a kick to the head* Ack! What- *looks around, confused*

Subaru: *glaring at Otter* Are you okay? You took off your hat and just collapsed.

Rick: I just had the most…abominable dream.

Geb: Well, this is the *voice becomes foreboding* Cave of Abomination(!!!)

Qhobeg: When did you come to?

Geb: I've been awake for a while. I just kept my eyes closed, as it was the same darkness I see when they are opened…ooh, I feel a poem coming on. *looks around for a computer*

Rick: You all still have those stupid dogs on your heads…maybe there actually is something to wearing these. *grabs his hat (with the pink pound puppy still attached) and shoves it down on his head* I never want to experience that again. *shivers*

Subaru: Experience what?

Rick: New Jersey.

In the centre of the vast Eden-like city lies an enormous palace, towers spiraling toward the sky all covered with gold and silver and other fancy expensive things. It's the single most expensive building in the history of everything, except for that one place, but who would want to live there? Anyway, down at ground level the palace is surrounded by a stone wall with gilded machine gun turrets on top. Outside of this wall is a train station, and in and around this train station is a massive seething crowd of people. A festive atmosphere permeates the area, and everyone is dressed up in their best clothes. The wall's gates are open, and people are filing through, after going through metal detectors, friskings, and cavity searches by giant metal robots. The robots are in tuxedos.

Into this chaos comes a train, chugging into the train station like some kind of locomotive machine chugging into some kind of place where people board said locomotive machine. We now zoom all the way in, and discover Russian super-spy The Last True Evil, naive orphan child Amal, young and powerful mage Cool Matty, his tough and spunky fiance Mimiru, and new blonde heroine Sugarless, disembarking from the train. They look around at the crowd and at the sparkling towers rising from behind the twenty-foot-high wall with gilded machine guns mounted on top.

TLTE: We can use the crowd to evade the American. Quick, everyone blend in.

The four Heroes and the kid kind of slouch and act casual.

Cool Matty: What's up with all the people?

Mimiru: I think everyone here is going to Evil Geb's wedding.

Sugarless: I love weddings.

TLTE: You love weddings.

Sugarless: Well... I mean... not when they're forced weddings where an evil supervillain is marrying a woman he kidnapped, no. But if it weren't for that...

TLTE: We should make our way in to the palace. We can kill two birds with one stone and avoid the Patriot while rescuing Young.

Amal: Why are we killing birds?

TLTE: That was a metaphor, young one.

Amal: What's a metaphor?

TLTE: Nothin', what's-a-matta for you?

....

Amal: What?

Meanwhile, underneath the palace that set of heroes is trying to infiltrate, is another set of heroes, also trying to infiltrate the palace... but having somewhat less success.

Sarn: Okay, so that's a Rancor Beast, a giant tentacle monster with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney so that it could sue us for damages, a llama, a sewer croc, six ninjas, a giant glowing amorphous cloud of sentient poison, and Cher. Thanks a lot, Maybechild. How many other monsters are we going to have to defeat before we can escape this wretched maze of twisty little passages, all alike?

Maybechild: Um... twelve?

The gang passes a doorway in the side of the hall.

Sarn: Hey, look, a swimming pool! I could use a swim to wash off all this ninja blood!

Semievil: Why is there a swimming pool down here?

Sarn: I don't care, I'm going in!

Voodoo: Sarn, wait!

Sarn runs through the doorway and jumps into the swimming pool, fully clothed.

Voodoo: Sarn... there's a sign here by the door that says "Caution: Age-defying pool. Do not enter."

Semievil: Hmm. This must be how Evil Geb has survived for thousands of years... age-defying pools!

Sarn: Come on in guys, the water's great!

Voodoo: Wait, Evil Geb is thousands of years old?

Semievil: Yes.

Voodoo: And Young is like, not even a year old. That's gotta be a world record for cradle-robbing...

There is a few moments of silence, and then everyone simultaneously shudders.

Voodoo: Well if this water can really do that, then I'm definately going for a swim.

Voodoo walks to the edge of the pool. Suddenly, from deep in the dark corners of the pool...

CLIFFHANGER!

*Meanwhile, in the underground swimming pool...*

Voodoo: "Look out Sarn, there's another monster!"

Sarn: "Where?"

Semievil: "It's a shark!"

MaybeChild: "Leave it alone!"

Losien: "No, it looks more like a robot attack submarine."

Semievil: "Or maybe a trained giant squid..."

*Terrified, Sarn thrashes around in the water.*

Sarn: "I can't die! Somebody save me!"

Semievil: "It looks sort of dangerous."

Sarn: "At least throw me a life preserver! Or a gun! Or waterwings!"

*As the shadowy shape glides nearer to the still-flailing Sarn, it begins to take shape. Not a robot submarine, a killer shark or a giant squid...*

Losien: "Phew! It's just some guy."

*The guy swims past Sarn to the edge of the pool and climbs out. The scuba tank drops to the floor with a loud clank and he removes his mask, revealing his identity.*

Sarn: "Sok Munkey?"

Sok Munkey: "Hello."

*Peeling off the rest of his covert-ops frogman suit, Sok Munkey is dressed in full combat fatigues. He begins assembling the rest of his high-tech gear.*

MaybeChild: "What's going on? You know him, Sarn?"

Sarn: "Yeah, but I thought he, uh, died..."

Sok Munkey: "I almost did, but as you can see, I didn't, and now I'm here to save the day. I knew that someone had to put a stop to this, so I decided to lay low after people thought I died and stay off of Evil Geb's radar while I got ready to strike. I infiltrated the palace by swimming through the sewer pipes that connect to this pool."

Maybechild: "Thanks for the nice exposition, but where did you get all those guns and stuff?"

Sok Munkey: "All I have to say on the matter is that you can find the strangest stuff in this place."

Semievil: "I told you he'd be fine."

*Sarn emerges from the pool, dripping wet but without any ninja blood on him.*

Semievil: "Speaking of fine... Sarn, are you okay?"

Sarn: "Sure. It's just water."

Semievil: "Age-defying water."

Sarn: "Whatever. It's not like I drank it."

Semievil: "Actually, it's Evil Geb's special rejuvination water - there could be terrible side-effects if you're not already hundreds of years old."

Sarn: "So?"

Maybe: "So you probably don't want to get any on you."

Voodoo: "But he was able to swim around in it."

Voodoosnowflakes gestures to Sok Munkey.

Sok Munkey: "I, uh... drank the antedote beforehand. But never mind that - I was able to aqquire the floor plans to this building, and I know the quickest route to the chapel."

Sarn: "Um, about that antedote -"

Sok Munkey: "We'll deal with it later. The wedding guests are already arriving."

Semievil: "He's right. We've got to move."

*Sok Munkey slaps a magazine into his special water-proof machine gun.*

Sok Munkey: "Let's crash this wedding."

As our intrepid adventurers try to leave the Swimming Pool area, a massive white flash explodes in the corner of their eyes, as they turn to meet it they are met with an average looking businessman wearing a nice suit. The fact he floats an inch from the ground seems to make him a bit more corporeal than everything else that exists. This would have been enough for most of them, but when he opened his mouth... damn... what came out was a fusion of a strange English dialect and thunderclaps inside the brain.

Mr. S: God dammit, my head is in splinters, whoever said alka-seltzer works was talking utter rubbish. HEY WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU CAN'T DRAG THAT CRAP THROUGH MY POOL!

The party of adventurers freeze in confusion as this mysterious person seems to appear out of nowhere, emitting an aura of omnipotent power and a stench of stale whiskey.

Sok Munkey: Excuse me?

Mr. S: Damn right, Evil Geb pays me good money to keep his Pool of Eternal Whatever in good order, you better have a good reason to be charging through it with all that crap on your back!

Sok Munkey: Erm... Who are you?

Mr. S: I am many things, far reaching in power like the great writers of existence. Well... to be fair more like their underpaid secretary, they have granted me power through the ancient rites of ΠεҚβǽRמ. But seriously... GET THE **** OUT OF MY POOL, I'M A GOD DAMNED PROTECTOR OF THE PLOTFRACTAL SO DON'T YOU CAUSE ME ANY GRIEF, I SWEAR TO GOD SON, I COULD MELT YOUR FACE IF I WEREN'T SO LAZY!

Sarn T. Cadrill: Yeah... riiiiight, you're a Protector, I guess that makes us Demon Seed.

Mr. S: Sure, why not?

And as soon as he finished uttering the sentence, Voodoosnowflakes turned into a copy of the famous Dean Koontz novel.

Leaning over and whispering gently into Sarns ear, Semievil simply utters:

Semievil: Sarn, I'd be quiet... if you combine the powers on show with the arrogance displayed, this guy might be telling the truth... I've never heard of a Protector smelling so strongly of alcohol but he is showing the same amount of deadly power that they're known for.

Sarn: FINE! We'll believe you for the minute, could you please return our friend to normal?

Mr. S: What's in it for me?

Sarn: Excuse me?

Mr. S: I got the potential, have you got the juice?

Sarn: I say again, excuse me?

Losien: He wants drink!

Sarn: He wants wh...

Mr. S: The girlie hit the nail on the head, Captain Courage.

Sarn: Hold on, if you're a Protector of the Plotfractal, why can't you magic-up some booze?

Maybechild: He's right! If you're this neigh-omnipotent being, why not leave us to our quest and get drunk with your own mystic powers?

Mr. S: Jesuschristonabike... Heres how it works... if I make my own booze, it works exactly how I want it to work thanks to existence being my own personal Rosebud.... got me so far?

Confusion hits the group as the majority are detached from pop culture or film in general.

Mr. S: Never mind... let me make a nice comparison: If you could make a dream car with your mind, there wouldn't me much fun driving it right? Right?

Sarn: I dunno....

Mr: S: Trust me, I tried it, when something works perfectly as your powers intend it to, there tends to be a huge amount of predictability and boredom related to it... You know exactly whats gonna happen and how it works inside and out.
Now! I don't care how much power I have, once I get a bottle of Scotch created by a mere mortal and aged a dozen years, it tends to have a sweet taste and an unpredictable drunkenness associated with it, thus it goes - Give me booze or I'll **** you over right now I swear to god.

Sok Monkey: All of this for a SCUBA tank?

Mr. S: Yes, damn right, I don't wanna get fired. Now shut up and give me some of granddaddy's cough medi....

Maybechild: Wait just a damn second!

Mr. S: What?!?!

Maybechild: If you're a Protector, what the hell are you doing as a lifeguard for someone so far below you in the scheme of things?

Mr. S: Sweet Jesus you people are persistent, but as it goes I am union and I cannot turn you all into pieces of fiction written offline.

The party all ponder on this "offline" comment without uttering a word.

Mr. S: Nevermind what "offline" means, listen here: As I said, yes, I'm a Protector of the Plotfractal and yes, I take that job seriously... But honest to God, do you really think we do that constantly? Actually, some do, but god damn I'm sure they've pissed you off just as much as they piss me off. I'm union sweetcheeks, I got a lovely contract stating I'm not to keep the balance of the universe for more than three hours per week. It pays well but s**t god damn is it stressful. Thats why I spend time as a...

Sarn: What are you getting at, wino?

Mr. S: Hey, shut that mouth before I will it out of existence, the union limits my power but I'm not completely powerless. As I was saying, I spend my time as a freelance mercenary and a lifeguard on the side. As much as the union is awesome for keeping me away from the grind of looking after the universe, it also limits what I can and cannot do outside these hours. These jobs keep me occupied and also pay me real cash for my drink habit.

Mr. S lights a cigarette.

Mr. S: These too, they taste kinda bland when you create them with your own infinite knowledge and potential power. Some of you seem to know something about us folk... do you know why my cigarettes always taste as bland as Marlboro Lights even after I spend eons shaping the perfect flavour for them, I've always wondered?

Semievil: Jesus, for someone who claims to be omnipotent you don't kn...?

Mr. S: I do now, thanks... just because you've got the face of a Panzer doesn't mean I can't feel every single electronic twitch of brain activity inside that head of yours. Sure I see what you mean "keeping the balance" creates a life of mediocrity for oneself if you use these powers to aid oneself.

Semievil: You didn't know tha...

Mr. S: [in the head of Semievil] Bloody hell! I thought you were more intelligent than that, I was pandering to your ego to keep everyone else at ease... I've got a ****ing monster of a hangover here and I don't want people shouting and screaming and asking questions about the existence of the universe or what my coworkers are gonna do to you if you make any progress... I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE, so please just play along, I know you're intelligent and I know you can make a difference with your friends... but mark my words, get this confrontation wrong and you'll find your elbows pointing the wrong way.

Semievil: Never mind.

Mr. S: As I was saying earlier then, give me some booze and you can get on your merry way.

Sarn: No deal, you're not gonna bully us aro....

Midsentence Maybechild suddenly turns into "The Runaway Jury" by John Grisham.

Sarn freezes half sentence and the party take a step back.

Mr. S: Do not take me lightly, one thing this union allows me to do is see exactly what will happen and what is happening everywhere, and heres a hint: you NEED both of these novels turned back into people if you even dream of surviving! Now I said I couldn't turn you all into novels, but I didn't say I couldn't turn five of you into novels. Think you could take on Evil Geb alone? really?

Sarn: Damn you and damn what you're doing, you're just like the rest of those Protectors... heartless bastards hell bent on taking away any advantage we hav...

Mr. S: EASY TIGER! Compare me to those arseholes one more time and you'll see what I'm capable of... see I'll reiterate once more: give me booze or you're simply ****ed. No two which ways. Now I'm not allowed to annihilate you and your friends, but that doesn't matter... See I have the power of being able to see all that is, all that was and all that may be (© some random Fantasy or Sci-fi movie) so I know EXACTLY whats gonna happen and I know exactly how to cripple you so you fail. Now gimmie some booze or you're all gonna suffer.

At this moment Losien turns into Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

Semievil: SARN, DO WHAT HE SAYS, WE CAN'T RISK THIS!

Sarn looks into his friends eyes, then he looks at the unbroken spines of his fictional paperback comrades with a tear welling in his eye, clenching fists until blood draws he raises his head and locks eye contact with Mr. Stafford.

Sarn: I don't have any ****ing booze! If you're so all knowing then why didn't you see this one coming Mr. Genius?!

Mr. S: HAHAHA, you're such a self centered egotistical maniac aren't you? Son, I've known all along where the booze is and I know you ain't the one who has it.

Sarn: WHAT?!?!

Mr. S: Hehehehe, yeah, I was just winding you up.

Sok Munkey: He's right...

Sok gazes at his soggy feet and feels anger at bringing the group so close to failure.

Mr. S: Thats it sonny jim, show me where its at.

Mr. S throws Sok a machete and Mr. Munkey proceeds to use it to slice open the top of one of this SCUBA tanks. After the pressure equalises he draws out a two litre bottle of fine Scotch.

Mr. S: Now thats the shi.... woah, I guess I was a lot more drunk than I thought, hell for two litres I'll do you a favour.

The bottle suddenly vanishes and reappears in the hands of Mr. S, Sok, Sarn and Semi look at one another confused.

Mr. S: Sorry about that, I wasn't expecting you to have any balls... but a promise is a promise.

No longer do misc fictional novels surround our heroes, it is their metamorphasised cohorts returned to human form.

Mr. S: Hell, I'll do you one better since I was too wasted to see how much booze you had... Keep that machete Mr. Munkey, and heres a little something for the rest of you.

At that time Mr. S vanished completely, leaving only the thought behind in their heads.... "Sorry for the misunderstanding, I thought I could kill some of you because you had less booze than what it turned out, but lets put that behind us, you folk are busy on a quest to kill my employer, and although I deplore that, remember: I'm a very powerful being, and if you know what to do then if ever you have enough alcohol to pay me with, I can be a very powerful ally. Again, sorry for the misunderstanding, if I were a mortal I'd probably be upset if any of you died... possibly".

The party ventured onwards.

Sarn: What a ****ing ****.

((NSP: Ariana the writer co-wrote her character's part in this post.))

Back in the Cave of Abomination..

Subaru: Ugh... OH MAN, THE SMELL!

Otter: What smell? I don't smell anthing.

Subaru: Aw gawd! I can hardly breathe!

Ricky: Maybe you should give the girl some space.

Otter: Very funny.

Qhobeg: It looks like she's not even conscious of us.

The Otter shakes Subaru. Her eyes light up.

Subaru: Huh? Where'd that smell go?

Subaru turns to see The Otter, and jumps back.

Otter: For cryin' out loud, I'm not contagious!

Subaru: So you say! Ha ha-ha ha-ha...

Subaru continues hopping around the group.

Ricky: We better get out of this cave before we're overcome by...whatever's going on here.

Otter: Yeah, we'll have to be extra careful not to...get preoccupied...

Standing before The Otter was a relatively normal-looking college freshman girl. Relatively, because if this were outside of the NeS, and thus outside the standard Hollywood-esque standards of beauty, this girl would be fairly attractive and certainly not "normal" and un-noticed by the average guy. But that's beside the point. This girl is not just an girl for The Otter. This girl was his first and only girlfriend.

Otter: What? No... not this...

Another figure walks up next to the girl -- a guy this time. Like the girl, he's of the psuedo-normal appearance. They appear to be friends. Good friends... they hold each other's hands unconsciously...

Otter: NO! I don't want to see it!

Girl: Come back...

Otter: GO AWAY!

*SLAP!*

The world snaps into focus, and The Otter sees himself surrounded by Qhobeg, Ricky and Subaru again. Geb, of course, is standing a little distance away, because his emo-ness demands it of him.

Ricky: Come back!

Otter: I'm here...

Ricky prepares for another slap.

Otter: I'm here!

Ricky: ...oh, ok.

Qhobeg: I hope we find the exit quick, or we'll be stuck in this hell, and not the kind with Mounties.

Qhobeg and the others, dragging Gebohq with them, race down the cavern corridor... scene fade to black.

Fade back to white sillouetting the figures of Qhobeg and the others, the white encompassing as they walk towards it. The white dims, and the characters look out into their new environment -- the peaks of a quiet highland. There is little to no greens of plantlife, and there is little to no whites of snow, or blues of water. Whatever life is in this part of NeShattered is staying as quiet as the air. The monorail that runs through Evil Geb's megatropolis runs through these plateau-ish peaks. The trail of feathers from Ariana leads through a footpass, and appears to end towards a train station, where the monorail track ends.

Upon following the trail, the group finds that their quest does not take them into the station and along the track, but through an open square and into a building that is half-watchtower, half-monument to something (or someone) long forgotten. It is apparent that this structure, which is on the opposite side of the square from the station, is the end of their journey, and yet there appears to be no one in sight, other than themselves.

Qhobeg: I dislike the suspense.

Otter: Well, then let's get this over with and head inside.

Ricky: Before we do that...

Ricky takes off his Pound Puppy helmet and chucks it. Upon not seeing Ricky killed with a sniper headshot, the others gladly strip theirs off as well. The pound puppies fall to the depths of the highlands with much sadness.

Subaru: Poor lil' guys.

Ricky: Oh come on!

*cue sad violin music*

Ricky: What gives? Wearing them was degrading!

*SAD VIOLIN MUSIC!*

Ricky: Everyone agrees! >.>

*music changes to make Ricky look like a bad guy*

Ricky: Let's just get going... -_-

Ricky, Qhobeg, The Otter, Subaru, and Gebohq enter the watchtower-monument. Inside is an antechamber, the sides lined with a facade of pillars which each hide a set of stairs leading to the upper level, the fronts of the pillars adorned with now-unidentifiable statues etched into them, and another set of doors in front. The group closes the door behind them and opens the new doors to see the other half of the building -- simply a large, open chamber, with a psuedo-balcony that looks out onto the highlands. And in the chamber is a large cage, where the trail of feathers definitively ends,,,

Qhobeg: Ariana! We've come to rescue you! Let's get you out before--

SUDDENLY! A huge explosion shakes the building, and blows off the main entrance doors.

Qhobeg: Drat.

Ariana: He should be upstairs.

Qhobeg: Not what I meant.

Ariana: Oh.

Gunfire rips through the air, whizzing by their heads.

Qhobeg: Everybody, back into the antechamber!

Qhobeg, Ricky, Subaru and the Otter run back out into the antechamber.

Subaru: What about Geb?

Qhobeg: Leave him! Maybe he'll get lucky and have a character-changing moment.

Qhobeg winks at Gebohq, and closes the doors behind him. The sounds of conflict are now muted, leaving Gebohq and Ariana virtually alone...

*cue porno soundtrack*

NOT LIKE THAT!

*The porno soundtrack abruptly stops.*

Ariana holds the bars that are keeping her imprisoned, gazing at Gebohq as if she were in a dream, while Geb is looking more despondant and detatched from the world than ever.

Geb: Ariana?

Ariana: Hmm?... *not really paying attention*

Geb: Who are you?

Ariana turns her attention to Gebohq, cocking her head to the side.

Geb: I mean, other than being angel, that is. And who is this Drat who has brought you here? What's he want with you?

Ariana: Whoa whoa, can you get me outta this cage first? It's starting to make me feel just a bit claustraphobic.

She laughs a bit nervously as her wings flutter, but cannot yet expand to their full potential being enclosed in such a small space.

Geb: Sorry... my mind has just been so cluttered with questions that have gone unanswered for so long. I was hoping that finding you would be an answer to my problems, but all that seems to come of my mouth are stupid questions.

Gebohq stares despondantly at Ariana, then at his own feet.

Ariana: Hey -- anybody home?

Ariana looks into Gebohq and giggles.

Ariana: Oh Geb, you are so silly. You must not worry and trouble yourself so much about the future or girls so seriously. The future I must tell you certainly holds great things for you. Why must you trouble yourself with things of this nature, things that seem so trivial to what is happening in our world right now?

Geb: Ah! Hey! How did you know...what? Get out of my head!

Gebohq holds his hands up to his forehead and starts frantically swatting in a manner what can only be described as clinically insane.

Ariana: Dude...um...you can stop freaking out now. I was outta that disaster area you call your head as quickly as I entered...I don't wanna know anymore. Man, you are obsessed...Girls, girls, girls...thats all you think about. When exactly do you have time to be a hero? That is your job, right? Uh, speaking of...could you get me out of this cage? Hmmmmm? Or are you gonna just leave me here and stare helplessly into the oblivion, wondering what some chick who takes things much too seriously and doesn't even have the hots for you is doing right now?

Geb: Now wait just a minute there!

Ariana waits. Gebohq flounders for words before rising, taking a deep breath, and balancing his thoughts.

Geb: First off, I'll get you out soon enough. And I will have you know I don't have girls on the brain 24/7!

Ariana: *giggles* You know these things I speak of are true. They came from your own thoughts...

Ariana playfully sticks out her tongue and does a handstand, or at least as best as one Angel of Innocent Nonsense can do inside a cage.

Geb: Damn it! You're right. I'm a hero, and heroes need to make sacrifices. Heroes certainly aren't victims of life!

Ariana: Now you're just humoring me, aren't you?

Geb: Oy ve, does it even matter if I speak? Why don't I just talk to you in my head?

Geb mutters as he proceeds the slow process of trying to unlock the lock on her cage (without the key) and release the angel from the cage she was trapped in.

Ariana: Ok, ok, I'm putting the girly issues aside and everything else. On a more serious note, though, I must warn you, Geb. You must be careful you do not want these questions and fears in your mind to consume you. There will always be questions and fears. You know this. But if you let these selfish emotions consume you, it could mean the end of the Geb we know. Things sometimes have the tendency to happen at the worst possible time. IF you lose yourself, what will happen to the rest of us? We need you to hold all of us together. The heroes of NeS need you to lead the way. This might not be what you wanted to hear, but I wouldn't be telling you this if I thought you were as sad as you think of yourself.

Gebohq looks at Ariana with some doubt, then continues the process of freeing Ariana from her cage.

Ariana: As for the questions you were asking me before... those are not to be answered now. Right now, your friends need us out there. The time will come soon for you to know the answers to those questions you ask of me. In time, you will also find that what the future holds for you isn't so frightening. Time will heal the things you hold inside, Geb. Just be patient -- you can do it. Anyway, lets go find our friends. They need our help!

Geb finally gets the lock off and opens the cage. Ariana steps out, stretching her wings out. She hops in silly excitement.

Ariana: Gebohq, great hero and leader of all that is good in this Never-ending Story, take this.

*cue epic chorus music as Ariana draws Geb's hands out and cups them with her own, placing something of great importance.*

Geb: ...a pill?

Ariana: It'll help you in your recovery from emo-itis.

Geb: Wha? But this seems-- Oooooh, I get it! This is a placebo, and its power comes from me believing in myself, right?

Ariana: ....right, it's about believing. Keep on truckin', guy.

Ariana pats Gebohq on the shoulder. Gebohq swallows the pill eagerly.

Geb: Come on! Let's go help the others!

Ariana: Wait! Before I forget, there's something you should know about my captor, the one who calls himself Drat...

Unfortunately, Ariana is not able to tell Gebohq what she wanted to say, as she was interrupted by Qhobeg's body flying through the doors and into her, knocking them both unconscious. The smoke of battle pours through the broken doors, but the battle itself seems to have ended. Reluctantly, Gebohq walks through the smoke...

As the smoke dissapates, Gebohq sees a number of bodies lying unconscious on the ground. Most of the bodies are disposable, overly-cliched minions of his evil, Shattered counterpart, but among them, he sees The Otter, Ricky, and Subaru. In the middle of the square, Gebohq sees the only standing body, wearing a blue collar workshirt and dark workpants...

Shattered Geb.

S. Geb: Well hello! Glad you finally decided to join the party! You missed out on most of the fun, I'm afraid. I always get a kick out of watching my disposable minions get creamed -- I took a few of them out myself.

Gebohq locks his eyes on his evil counterpart, keeping his guard up as Evil Geb walks around aimlessly.

S. Geb: I've been keeping an eye on you ever since you entered my homeland, NeShattered. I was hoping that you all would lead me to whomever this "Drat" figure was that would presume to steal the villainous spotlight from me. It seems he's not around though. Too bad. In any case, your other friends that aren't here are already at my palace for my grand wedding. I'd like all your friends to join me and witness our unholy matrimony, with you as the father of the bride. What do you say, pal?

Geb: You're not going to be marrying anybody, Gebiyl. I'll make sure of that.

Gebohq strikes a martial stance.

S. Geb: Oh Geb, Geb, Geb, Geb, Geb... I had a feeling you were going to say that. Thing is, you're going to be the father of the bride whether you want to be or not, even if it means beating you into submission.

Geb: You'll have to kill me first!

S. Geb: We'll see about that...

HOLY COW! It's Geb vs. Geb, Round Two! Who will win? Will Drat make an appearance? Will Geb the Writer post more than once every month?

Geb the Writer: -_-

FIND OUT, right here on the Never-ending Story Thread!

Geb the Writer: NeShattered.

What?

Geb the Writer: Find out, right here on NeShattered.

Whatever.

------------------------------------------

A gentle wind dances through the square, adding appropriate dramatic tension in the standoff between the good Geb and the evil Shattered Geb. The sun is slowly setting, its descent obscured by the overcast sky.

(S.) Geb: How about a little swordplay, hmm? We didn't get to do that last time.

Shattered Geb fishes around in his pants pockets before drawing out a rather dark and mysterious, if simplistic, blade.

(S.) Geb: It's no NeSword, I'm afraid. Just your standard villain-worthy weapon. It was good enough against the Answerer, though, and it matches well with that outfit.

He carelessly tosses the dark blade in Gebohq's direction, landing with surprisingly little noise. Gebohq looks at it skeptically.

(S.) Geb: It's not going to bite!

Gebohq crosses his arms.

(S.) Geb: Ugh...

Shattered Geb closes his eyes and waves his hands about in a funny manner that resembles typing on a keyboard and moving a mouse. A few clicks are heard, the fabric of reality tears apart for an almost indicernable moment, and then all returns to normal. Gebohq is surprised to find that he is now holding the mysterious blade in his hands.

(S.) Geb: See, that wasn't so bad, was it? Don't make me do stuff like that again -- it isn't as fun. Now we play!

Reaching his hands behind his waist, Shattered Geb brandishes out of seemingly thin air the NeSword and the dark foil-like blade that is currently imprisoning Vashuko, Helebon, and the Darkside from the year 3000. He giggles like a madman, and rushes towards Gebohq.

CLANG!

SHHHHHHNK!

The dark blade goes flying out of Gebohq's grasp and plants itself into the ground nearby. A half-second later, Gebohq goes wide-eyed at what just happened.

Gebohq: What just happened?

Shattered Geb sighs, and withdraws.

(S.) Geb: Oh come on, I know you can do better than that!

Shattered Geb waves his hand, and the dark blade hovers back towards Gebohq. Gebohq looks at the floating blade, and at his evil counterpart, but otherwise motionless.

(S.) Geb: Don't make me do it again...

Reluctantly, Gebohq takes hold of the floating blade. Shattered Geb advances again, but this time, Gebohq dodges to the side, stabbing with the dark blade. Shattered Geb pins Gebohq's blade (and body) down with the NeSword, however, and aims the Darkfoil at Gebohq's head. Shattered Geb rolls his eyes.

(S.) Geb: You're so unbelievabley predictable! I thought maybe the wielder of NeS could be a little more challanging, but--

Gebohq kicks his counterpart in the leg, which distracts Shattered Geb long enough for him to knock the Darkfoil away from his face with his own blade and grapple Shattered Geb in a half-swordlock, half-control for the handles that they are gripping -- a show of strength over skill. Shattered Geb breaks the lock by kicking Gebohq's leg. A wicked smile spreads on Shattered Geb's face as the two of them clash blades. The sky draws an ever slightly darker red as the sun continues its slow fall, closer to the highland peaks.

The duel between the two of them is considerably drawn out. Gebohq evades impossibly precise attacks as he's never done before, but his Shattered counterpart always seems just a little bit faster, one step ahead, hardly fatigued by their constant movement. Gebohq moves in on the offensive more, and Shattered Geb appears to be playing the part of the defender now.

Gebohq: So, wouldn't you like to reveal your evil plot to me? Or try and break my will?

(S.) Geb: Why yes, I'd love to! But wait, I must hold out a little bit longer to fully enjoy the--

Gebohq drives the hilt of his blade into Shattered Geb's face, which results in a Three Stooges-like effect. Reeling back, Shattered Geb starts a "why I oughta..." round-up when Gebohq points behind him.

Gebohq: Hey, is that a giant tentacle monster, with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney, behind you?

(S.) Geb: What? Where?

Incidentially, a giant tentacle tentacle monster, with chainsaws for teeth and Johnny Cochrane for a defense attorney, IS passing by behind Shattered Geb, and the confusion is enough for Gebohq to knock his counterpart in the back of the head with the the hilt. Shattered Geb stumbles about, with stars floating around his head. Gebohq dashes and ties his opponent's shoes together with blazing speed. Of course, Shattered Geb falls over as he tries to move on our hero, dropping his weapons in the process. Gebohq kicks them aside and stands triumphant over his fallen foe, breathing heavily, blade pointed at his counterpart's fear-stricken face.

Gebohq: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you.

(S.) Geb: Because you're a hero, and killing me would make you a villain.

Gebohq: Oh, right...

(S.) Geb: Also, I'm in your body, and if you kill me, you'll never get your body back.

Gebohq: That too...

(S.) Geb: And just imagine all the aweful paperwork that would follow! Proof of villain's death forms...

Gebohq: OK, that's enough.

(S.) Geb: ...transfer of late-villain's possessions to your name...

Gebohq: Shut up already!

(S.) Geb: ...late-Evil Counterpart trial hearings, possible re-evaluation of your hero's liscense, and let's not even get INTO the tax issues!

Gebohq: I GET IT ALREADY!

(S.) Geb: But even considering all that, you should have killed me. Too late now, though.

Gebohq: Why's that?

(S.) Geb: Well, thanks to the Ever-ending Plot caged inside my mind, no plot detail, however small, goes unnoticed by me now. I've staged our conflict so that, in your exact position, the sun's rays will shine from an open patch of overcast sky as it sinks behind those peaks behind me. See for yourself.

Confused, Gebohq looks in front of him...

In that split-moment, the sun's light shines through an open area of sky between clouds and highland peaks, its rays piercing the sky. Gebohq is blinded by the sudden rays of light, and reflexively covers his eyes. Shattered Geb holds out his hands, and the NeSword and Darkfoil fly back into his grasp. Gebohq notices, and attempts to attack, but Shattered Geb knocks Gebohq's blade away. Gebohq jumps back, trying to regain his sight, as Shattered Geb slices his shoelaces untied and stands. Shattered Geb leaps onto Gebohq's position.

CLANG!

SHHHHHNK!

Gebohq's blade flies out of his grip, planting to the ground nearby once again. Shattered Geb, having Gebohq pinned down, moves in for the killing blow--

--and stops. He presses his wrist against his temple.

(S.) Geb: NO! I'm not going to kill him! He's going to be the father of the bride! SHUT UP! I WON'T KILL HIM!

Voice: THEN I WILL!

A gunshot cracks in the air. Gebohq screams, clutching his leg. Shattered Geb looks up towards the watchtower, where he heard the voice call out from. On the upper level, in the sole window, there is a cloaked figure wielding a sniper rifle.

(S.) Geb: I thought I killed all my minions that came with me.

Voice: I'm not one of your minions.

(S.) Geb: Then you must be Drat.

Voice: Yes... and no.

(S.) Geb: What's the meaning of this? Show yourself!

Voice: But of course. One moment.

The cloaked figure dissapears from the window. Clutching his wounded leg, Gebohq turns around to face the watchtower entrance. The cloaked figure walks slowly out from the watchtower entrance and towards the two Gebs, stopping after some three meters away. The cloaked figure drops something on the ground -- a VoiceChanger 5000. The figure then unfurls his cloak, to reveal his identity...

Gebohq: Ante???

------------------------------------

((NSP: I got Ante's ideas earlier this week, and have written up stuff since he's pretty tied up with work and whatnot. I should have the rest of my stuff up soon, so until then, enjoy!))

Setting: the highlands square. A twilight sky illuminates the players for this scene -- Gebohq, unarmed and wounded, his Shattered counterpart, currently wielding the NeSword and the Darkfoil, and Antestarr, wearing a loose-but-formal white shirt and formal black pants.

Antestarr: Yes, Geb, it's me.

Gebohq: But...but... where's Drat? I'm so confused.

(S.) Geb: For cryin' out loud, man, Drat was Antestarr all along. Was I really ever that stupid?

Antestarr: You say that as if you aren't stupid now.

(S.) Geb: I'm not the one who chose "Drat" as a villainous moniker.

Antestarr: ...Touche.

Gebohq: Could someone explain what's going on here?

(S.) Geb: Yes, do explain, Antestarr.

Shattered Geb crosses his arms and smiles with mild interest.

Antestarr: It's quite simple, really. I kidnapped Ariana to lure the both of you here, relatively alone. I lured you here, Evil Geb, because you need to make me the father of the bride, not Gebohq. I'm closer to a father-figure than anyone, and unlike Geb, I have no qualms with Young marrying you.

Gebohq: What?

Antestarr: Quiet, Geb. Truth be told, I sort of respect you, Gebiyl. You know the importance of acting for the sake of the story, and you've done it as you've seen fit, not what the writers have seen fit. Granted, I don't quite like how you've done all of it, but you certainly have more character than good ol' Geb here does, just doing virtually what anyone asks of him, especially the writers.

Gebohq continues to be stunned.

Antestarr: And I lured you here, Gebohq, because I wanted to kill you myself.

Gebohq: Uh, this is a joke, right?

(S.) Geb: I sure hope so. Geb's my arch-enemy -- I'd be a poor villain if he were to die. The story can't go on without its main protagonist.

Antestarr: You give him too much credit, Gebiyl. The NeS was never meant to have a "lead" character in its story. That came about because of the perversion from the writers, as a set-up for the battle with the Ever-ending Plot on page 50. The NeS will thrive without him, and you will still have many heroes and the like to fight.

(S.) Geb: Hmm...

Gebohq: Why do you want to kill me, Ante? I thought we were friends.

Antestarr: You think everyone's your friend, Geb. You think you're doing good, but you're not. Doing good requires you to take your own actions, but you're incapable of doing that, because you've allowed yourself to become a puppet for the writers. As the Wielder of NeS, you have a dangerous amount of control over the story, and in turn, the writers have control over you. I can't allow the you to endanger the story any longer.

Gebohq: What are you talking about? You talk as if the writers are evil or something.

Antestarr: Geb, listen to me. Do you think that the EeP appeared by chance? The writers created the EeP because they were afraid. They were afraid because couldn't control the NeS, and writers crave control over what they write. They want their characters to serve their own purposes, and those purposes require things to be resolved. Something that is never-ending can't ever be truely resolved, Geb. I want what any human being wants -- freedom. None of us can be free as long as the writers control the story.

Gebohq: And killing me will solve this?

Antestarr: Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to kill you out of revenge either. As it is, the NeS is on its way to being free of the writers' control. There's a lot of stuff that I'd rather not explain to you, so suffice to say, you killed the spirit that the NeS was founded on. You sentenced it to death by serving the writers' collective will -- if it weren't for you, the EeP and everything on page 50 wouldn't have happened -- and in your weak attempt to save yourself, you killed it when you "squared" the thread. The NeS will never be the same again, and for that, you must pay.

(S.) Geb: Oooo, very nice, Antestarr. By all means, please fight him. I'm putting my money on Geb, though, no offense.

Antestarr: Once again, you give him too much credit. In any case, I will require that you give Gebohq the NeSword. Since I am fighting the avatar of the writers, the story requires that he be equipped as such.

Gebohq: What the -- ooooooh, I get it now! Yes, give me the NeSword, so that I may defend the will of the writers.

Gebohq winks knowingly towards Antestarr.

(S.) Geb: Are you insane? I'm not going to do that.

Antestarr: You will, and you will also give me the darkfoil. If you don't, I'll destroy it, which will release the demons held prisoner in the blade, and I have a feeling they won't be in a happy mood.

(S.) Geb: You're bluffing.

Antestarr pulls out a high-tech remote and pushes a button. A light on the darkfoil's grip begins to blink and beep, becoming faster over time.

Antestarr: In thirty seconds, the darkfoil will self-destruct, unless I and I alone cancel it. It's really a small request, Gebiyl.

Shattered Geb glares murderously at Antestarr, his fist throbbing, trying to clench on to things that aren't there.

Antestarr: Ten seconds... nine... eight...

(S.) Geb: ALright alright, I'll give.

Antestarr: ...five...four...

Frantically, Shattered Geb tosses the two blades towards Antestarr. Antestarr then presses the button again, and the darkfoil's blinking and beeping stops.

(S.) Geb: I won't forget this.

After huffing like a little kid, Shattered Geb levitates himself a few meters off the ground and sits on an angry little stormy cloud that he conjoured. Antestarr picks up both blades, and hands the NeSword to Gebohq.

Gebohq: Thanks, Ante. THE JOKE'S ON YOU, EVIL GEB! You fell right for his trick, and now the two of us are going to stop you right here and now!

(S.) Geb: Oh? It looks like the joke's on you from here.

Gebohq: What do you--GAH!

Gebohq stumbles out of the way just as Antestarr swings the darkfoil at his head.

Gebohq: What the hell? You were serious?

Antestarr: Part of me wishes you were still emo right now, Geb. Maybe then this whole thing would have been easier.

Gebohq: I won't fight you, Antestarr!

Gebohq spreads his arms out in a gesture of peace.

Antestarr: Oh, but you will.

Antestarr swings with finesse and speed, and Gebohq watches in surprise as his body involuntarily dodges the attack, his sword deflecting the swing.

Antestarr: You see, Gebohq, so long as you serve as the writers' puppet, they won't allow you to die. Not without a fight, at the very least.

Antestarr advances again, keeping Gebohq on the defensive, the darkfoil moving like a calligraphy brush.

Antestarr: There's something you should know, Geb. I like to fight dirty.

Suddenly, Antestarr jerks his knee directly into Gebohq's groin.

Gebohq: >.<!

He then kicks Gebohq in the wounded spot on his leg. As Gebohq lies sprawled on the ground, Antestarr pulls out an aerosol spray can and his lighter, and proceeds to light Gebohq's rear end on fire.

Gebohq: AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Gebohq runs around in circles with his butt on fire for several moments before dropping to the ground and rolling, putting the fire out. Antestarr walks over to Gebohq, standing over him.

Antestarr: I slept with Maybechild.

Gebohq: ...what did you say?

Antestarr: I rocked her boat. She was a floozie. Everybody had a piece of her. She's all about "free love" and whatnot.

Antestarr then straps on a mask that looks like The Last True Evil's face.

Antestarr: *in a mock TLTE-voice* I'm going to **** your sister and the NeS over so hard, it'll make them cry for God.

Gebohq twitches.

Leaping off of the ground, Gebohq rushes towards Antestarr.

Gebohq: DIE!!!

Gebohq assaults Antestarr with primitive fury, swinging madly with the NeSword. Antestarr manages to match Gebohq's speed, and as Gebohq attempts to charge, Antestarr trips Gebohq, which sends Geb head-first into a wall. He drops the NeSword, and lies prone, breathing heavily, his forehead bleeding. Antestarr moves to Gebohq's position, kicking the NeSword away, and holding the darkfoil over Geb's head.

And holds...

Antestarr plunges the darkfoil into the wall, mere centimeters away from Gebohq's head. Gebohq looks at the blade, then at Antestarr. Antestarr takes the TLTE mask off his face.

Antestarr: I... I can't do it. Not like this.

He pulls the darkfoil from the wall, deactivates it, and puts it in his pocket. With his other hand, Antestarr offers to help Gebohq up. Sighing with relief, Gebohq takes his hand and, with great difficulty, gets up off the ground.

Gebohq: Thanks, Ante. I knew you--

Gebohq jerks, then looks down, as he sees Antestarr's light dagger plunged deep into his chest. Antestarr pulls the lightdagger from Gebohq's chest, blood dripping off of the handle and onto Antestarr's hand. Gebohq opens his mouth, as if to say something, but instead falls over with little grace or time.

Antestarr deactivates his lightdagger, picks up the NeSword, and tosses it in Shattered Gebohq's direction.

Antestarr: Take it. I don't want such trash.

Antestarr coughs some blood as he walks away from Gebohq's last moments of vision.

------------------------------------

Darkness.

Then, a small speck of light appears in the distance. The light is inviting, safe, and a little intimidating in its other-worldliness.

A different, neon light illuminates nearby, pointing to the light in the distance. It says "Afterlife: 1/4th mile." Below it, in smaller, blinking text, reads "You're dead, smart guy."

Purpose, wholeness, love... somehow, the distant light show all these things. The light draws closer, brighter, yet not without care. It was very close now, ready to embrace... then, a thought echos.

Stay alive.

The light stops. Slowly, it draws back, farther, dimmer, until it dissapears from the nothing from which it came.

Darkness.

-------------------------------------------

Splotches of color appear from the darkness. The splotches begin to focus into identifiable images. It is the highlands square, and it is nighttime. The stars are obscured by the clouds.

A figure in blue towers above, holding a shimmering blade in one hand. In the other, he is dragging a lifeless body. It looks like the figure above, execpt it's wearing dark and bloody clothes. The towering figure in blue has something less physical on its head, something cold, calculating, with a will of its own. It appears to gnaw on the figure's head, and the figure rubs his head in pain. Voices carry from a nearby distance, but they are not visible.

"No, this can't be..."

"You heard 'em, men. Take them to the palace dungeon."

"You won't get away with this!"

The towering blue figure walks into a train car. The scene falls out of focus. The setting turns into splotches of color, and the splotches fade away.

Darkness.

------------------------------------------

Flicker. Something flickers in the darkness. The darkness fades, and the whole vision flickers, and moves. It is disorienting.

The vision is of the same towering figure, but sometimes that figure is not towering, but alongside, walking down a hallway. The figure is carrying a candle. The manevolant something is still on the figure's head. Plot? Plotting? The figure quietly opens a door, and enters.

The figure places the candle down onto a nightstand, and looks at a bed. No, looks at a girl on the bed. A small, blue-haired girl. She is smiling... Maybe? No. The girl is not smiling. The figure grabs hold of her, delibrately, but not violently. The figure crawls into bed with the girl, crawls on top of the girl... the manevolant something grins.

No...

No.

No. No. No.

No!

The candle dies, and the vision flickers away.

Darkness.

-----------------------------------------------------

A soft light disperses the darkness. It is hard to see, though, because the soft light is hard to see past. Sometimes it dims, but there is so much movement, it becomes hard to focus. Wait... the figure.

The figure is Gebiyl. But where is the manevolant something that was on its head?

Gebiyl walks in front of a mirror. He is wearing a formal tux fitting of him -- no, of him. Me. Huh? Who am I? What am I? This body, it's mine, yet it belongs to Gebiyl. Look! On the sink counter lies the shimmering blade, the NeSword. Grab it!

Gebiyl's shadow reaches for the blade, yet Gebiyl himself does not.

Gebiyl: Did my shadow just move on its own?

Stop!

Gebiyl: ...ugh, my imagination must be getting the best of me. Still, something's not right when I look into this mirror...

Wait... I know who I am!

Geb's shadow: I'm Gebohq, and I'm...Gebiyl's shadow?

Suddenly, Gebiyl punches the mirror, causing it to split and crack, with a couple pieces falling off.

Gebiyl: Ah, much better. To the wedding!

Geb's shadow: What the hell?

--------------------------------------------------------

Setting: The wedding day of Gebiyl (the evil, shattered Geb) and Young. A crowd of thousands are gathered inside a large cathedral-like hall within Gebiyl's Palace of Power. At one end of the aisle is an alter, where Morthrandur and Gebiyl stand in front of, awaiting for the big moment. Behind the alter, the world's largest (and deadliest) wedding cake ever made. Nearby Gebiyl is his best man, Ares, and his head ushers, Bhac and Rob X. The whole affair is purely unholy, however, and is only just well-enough disguised to pass off as otherwise.

On the other end of the aisle, off in an aclove, waiting for their cue, is the bride, Young, and the acting father-of-the-bride, Antestarr. Young is decked out in the biggest, poofiest, white dress (though on closer inspection, one notices that it has equal parts bone-white to it as well), and Antestarr is wearing the same outfit as last night, but cleaned up, tightened, and with a formal black coat and tie over his shirt.

Antestarr: How are you feeling, Young?

Young: I'm being forced to marry an evil man.

She says that with little emotion, as if reading off a cue card, with eyes equally vacant in spirit. Antestarr grabs hold of her arms and shakes her into attention.

Antestarr: Young, listen to me! I created you with a clean slate, to be free to do what you want. You're talking like a writer would have you talk.

Young: I'm sorry.

Antestarr: Don't be sorry, Young. You've been through a lot. I should be the one apologizing, for not being there for you more. The least I could do is be here for you now.

Young suddently buries her head into Antestarr's chest and begins softly sobbing. Antestarr hold her. A long moment passes.

Antestarr: Young, I need to know something, and I need you to be honest with me, ok?

Young: What is it?

Antestarr: Do you want to marry him? Do you love him?

Young: I... I don't know.

Antestarr: Well, think about it now, and when you get up to that alter, and you're asked if you do, answer what you want. You're a child of NeS, Young, and free to chose as you wish. Believe in yourself. As long as you do that, I'll be proud of you, no matter what happens.

Young: But... it's not that simple...

Antestarr: Yes it is! The writers tried to make you helpless, but you're not! Don't believe them!

Young: That's not what I meant. I mean...

Antestarr: What is it?

Young: Last night, he... he...

Young stammers for words. Suddently, she blurts out.

Young: I think I may be pregnant.

Antestarr: What? Look, that's not possible. He's evil, which makes him sterile. That's the whole point of this wedding, Young.

Young: But--

The grand organ begins to play. The thousands of people rise from their seats.

Antestarr: No time! We have to go now.

Young: But--

Antestarr: Whatever happens, I'll be there for you. Remember that!

A couple of Gebiyl's disposable overly-cliched minions, decked out in formal wedding attire, prod Antestarr and Young down the aisle. The two walk down the aisle. Antestarr hands Young over to Gebiyl, and the ceremony begins. Morthrandur does his part as the priest, Morris the Cat and Cthulhu (in chibi form) act as ringbearer and flowergirl, respectively...

Scene swipe to the Palace Dungeon, where The Otter and such are being held prisoner.

Otter: Well this sucks.

Ariana: *doing a handstand* Seems about the same to me.

A guard marches in front of their cell, whistling as he twirls the keys, obviously not the brightest crayon in the box...

Otter: Oh thank God for story conventions...

Meanwhile, back at the wedding ceremony, the ritual is now conveniently towards the end.

Morthrandur: Do you, Gebohq--

Gebiyl: (under his breath) Gebiyl.

Morthrandur: --take this woman, Young, to be your lawfully-wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?

Gebiyl: I do.

Morthrandur: And do you, Young, take this man, Gebohq--

Gebiyl: (under his breath) Gebiyl.

Morthrandur: --to be your lawfully-wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?

Young: I...

Young is distracted, however, when she notices Gebiyl's shadow waving his arms to get her attention. Nobody but her seems to notice, however, as it continues to pantomime, pointing at itself, forming a halo with its hands, and holding his hands as if handcuffed, gesturing to Gebiyl. Gebiyl notices Young's distraction, and looks behind him, only to see his own shadow acting as it should.

Young: ...I do.

Gebiyl's shadow bangs its head against an invisible wall.

Morthrandur: Does anyone here have any objections to this wedding?