Hey all,

So I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now and I love her to death. I recently went out with one of my college buddies who is single and ran into some trouble. Long story short, I danced with another girl and we kissed for about 10-15 seconds. Well anyway, after we left and were driving back to my apartment (yes both of us were very wasted and it was a very dangerous ride) somehow I called my girlfriend on accident and didn't realize it. I was telling my buddy about the girl that I kissed and we were also being typical drunk guys talking about hot chicks and wanting pussy, ect - all while my girlfriend is listening to every word we say on the other end.

So I get home, climb into bed, and then I get a phone call. It's my girlfriend and she calls me out on everything she heard. I panick and deny everything at first. I told her it was all just smack talk and none of it meant anything. We were just being a couple of drunk idiots.

Well she kind of goes along with it, the next day we talk in person and I assure her that everything she heard was just talk. Well all of this is good and well until that night. Apparently one of her roommates was there, and saw the whole thing. She told my girlfriend and I was screwed. My girlfriend called me up and asked about everything, which I denied. I told her that her roommate must have been mistaken and we end up arguing about it until we take a breather for a couple minutes.

I gave her a call back and told her the absolute truth. I told her that I was kissing the girl, but that everything that was said in the car on the way back still was BS and nothing else happened (which nothing else did really happen anyway). However at this point I have dug myself into such a deep hole from all the lying I feel like she's not going to be able to trust me ever again.

She said she wanted a few days to think about everything and that she would contact me when she was ready... What do you guys think I should do? I really messed up and I don't want to lose her. In case anyone is wondering: No I do not normally act like this at all. I never get this drunk, and I would never cheat on my girlfriend. I just wasn't thinking rationally, she doesn't deserve any of this and I have never felt lower than I feel now.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sounds to me like she is going to break it off. Prepare yourself for the worst.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but you kinda ****ed up.


If you get lucky and she doesn't break it off, things might be drastically different from how they were. Sounds like you may need to do some soul searching for yourself. Ask yourself maybe if you really love her or are just going through the motions? I pose this question because I truely love my girlfriend and really don't even think about other girls like 'that' anymore, intoxicated or not. Maybe there's a larger issue at hand here? If so, girls are quick to find those things out. All just speculation here but food for thought none the less.

I do love her man, I really do. I have been in a couple long-term relationships prior to her, so I know what this is. I just really messed up. She knows I'm not like this, I don't even know why I did any of this. I have also stayed home from work today because I feel absolutely terrible.

Mistake #1: Making out with another girl.

Mistake #2: Denying it.

Yeah, even if she decides to stay with you (which I doubt she will), there's going to be trust issues from now on. If you had been honest from the beginning you might've had a chance at salvaging things and maintaining a good relationship, but the whole lying thing really put the final nail in the coffin.

Yes, in a nutshell, you are indeed screwed.

You are screwed, and you will never be screwed again.

Not trying to be a jerk, but it doesn't matter all the things you "don't do" like cheating, getting really drunk, BSing with a buddy about exaggerated conquests. It really can only take once to screw things up because "they never have" can easily turn into "how long until the next time they do?" in our minds.

A year isn't very long to be honest, when it comes to building trust and credibility with a partner, but if she doesn't break it off, it may well take another year before she'll trust and believe you now. Think about how s*** you'd feel if you found out from one of your buddies that your girlfriend fooled around with one of your guy friends but lied to your face about it when you asked.

The best you can do is own up to it and try to rebuild your reputation. DON'T try to diminish or pass it off as "nothing else happened". I can't speak obviously to you or your girlfriend's philosophy, but in my mind at least when I kiss someone, even if that's where it stops, it's definitely not all I think about or want [especially since it sounds like you were telling your buddy later more than really happened]. That is, infidelity isn't so much a matter of "degree", but opportunity. Could you honestly tell your girlfriend that- given the chance- nothing more would have happened? I know I couldn't.

Again, I don't want to come off too hard, just my two cents.

I have an idea, stop worrying about this petty **** between you and your girlfriend and focus on the fact that you could have killed someone on your way home because you're too ****ing stupid to get a designated driver. I pray to God that next time you or your friend drive drunk you kill yourselves only and not anyone else.

Brian, I know. I'm not trying to justify myself in any way, but I really have never done anything like this before. I seriously ****ed up, and I know it only takes one time for something to happen, but I have definitely learned my lesson. I've always been the responsible one and somehow all of that caught up with me and I made every wrong decision in one single night. I'm not proud of anything that happened and I would love to take every single thing back but I can't.

This is a very good point. She should probably be much angrier at you about this than anything. It isn't just are you being faithful or not, but you're actually endangering society with that behavior.

It doesn't really matter if you've done it before or not. You did it now, so now you have to face the consequences. You better be ready to be on your knees in apologies and it's going to take a long time to build that trust back up. For starters, staying away from alcohol entirely would be good. >.>

As far as I'm concerned, kissing another girl -is- cheating, especially a 15 second kiss. In my book you've cheated, I'm guessing as far as your girlfriend is concerned you've cheated too.
I know you probably mean you would never have sex with another girl, I do understand that, BUT:
To many people, the kiss is one of the most intimate things you can do, and kissing someone else is just as bad as having sex
Did you know that the thing prostitutes charge the most for is kissing? Many just flat out refuse that option, even though they do all kinds of nasty stuff (don't look at me like that! I saw it on a documentary).
Of course I'm not saying in any way that sex would've been less damaging than kissing, I'm just saying kissing could be a very big deal to your girlfriend.
She probably feels very betrayed by you (especially since you bragged about it afterwards) even moreso since you lied to her afterwards.

Now, from my perspective, you're probably screwed. Even if she takes you back, you're still screwed. The trust is freaking GONE man. If she does actually take you back she'll always be worried about the next time you do something like this, and she'll watch you like a hawk and turn into something she hates.
If she does ever trust you again, it's going to take a long time.

I think your best bet is exactly as Cool Matty has said, get on your hands and your knees and say you're sorry, and boy you better mean it. There better be tears in your eyes and they better be real for you to stand a chance.

Definitely stay away from alcohol, because you sir, are a freaking moron when you're drunk. Kissing? Bragging? Participating in drunk driving? WTF?

I appreciate the fact that you guys aren't holding my hand through this, and I'm not being sarcastic. I really needed to have a reality check and you guys have helped reinforce everything I have been thinking about. I don't even deserve her at this point, I don't deserve much of anything at all right now.

Well I'm gonna start with repeating what Brian said: you're a freaking imbecile for driving drunk. I absolutely ****ing hate that there are sections of society that find this an acceptable behaviour. But I'm going to trust that you know how unbelievably stupid that was and will never ever do it again.

As for your girlfriend, I personally don't agree with the kissing being worse than sex thing, but then I grew up with a group of friends who spent most of our adolescence getting drunk and snogging eachother; to me it's closer to having a cuddle with a good friend. However, in this situation it does seem unlikely that you wouldn't have gone further, given the chance. But the really stupid thing is lying about it. I'm not sure you deserve to be forgiven; as you acknowledge, you've really hurt her, and no amount of grovelling makes up for that. BUT if you do have something of use to say to her, some explanation for your temporary insanity and justification for why she should look beyond it, I would put it in a letter. I doubt you're able to communicate properly to eachother if there's all these emotions everywhere, and having something written down also gives her the opportunity to take her own time over reading and digesting it, without feeling pressured to give you an answer, as she would be if you were face to face.

Does "the letter" actually ever work?

One time I wrote my wife an "I'm sorry" letter and she emailed me and wrote, "I do not accept your apology."

Ouch. On the plus side you got a reply.

Practically any dumb kid (and you can be a "dumb kid" until well into your thirties) that drinks and has a driver's license has driven when they shouldn't. You don't need to be berated for it, yet, but I hope you've learned, in general, just what kind of dumb **** alcohol can enable you to do.

As far as your girlfriend goes you put yourself in a situation where you did something unexcusable. I've had a natural understanding that as a guy I have the potential to be a dog. Knowing such I refrain from putting myself in situations that may provide opportunities for bad choices. Getting drunk at a club where I would be inclined to dance with women would not be a situation I would presently put myself in. Having said that, the fact that you would put yourself in that situation seems to suggest that you have some wild oats still to sow. If you disagree then you need to rededicate yourself to her. I believe in being monogamous to your girlfriend but there is a reason they're girlfriends before wives. If it's not meant to be, move on.

Anywho, advice time:

1) You did this, you need to acknowledge to yourself that this is something you're capable of doing. We all do things we're not proud of from time to time but as soon as you excuse yourself by saying "that's not who I am", you set yourself up to repeat it. Acceptance of the bad sides of your nature is key.
2) There's no trick to making your girlfriend forgive you, but she's more likely to if you do step 1. If she thinks you're making excuses, she won't believe that it's not going to happen again.
3) This is going to be hard work, and even if she says she forgives you, it'll still linger for a while and you can't hold that against her.

See if you would have smoked weed instead all this would have never happened.

Kissing is something you can get past. It's certainly not great, it wouldn't take long, depending on the people in question, to forgive and forget. The lying part is where you really ****ed up. Especially lying repeatedly and only telling the truth when you were caught with a witness - and even THEN you denied it at first. That's where the real damage come in as far as trust goes.

Now if this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, it's certainly better, but then the girl is going to start asking herself some questions. Is this just the first opportunity you've had? Have you actually done this before and this is just the first time you've been caught?

Another problem is that her friends are now involved. And I will bet you any amount of money that a) she's going to them for solace right now and b) they're urging her to dump your ass right now. I'm not saying she should, but that's without a doubt what her friends are saying.

So if I were going to start groveling, it wouldn't be so much about the kissing as it would be about the lying. Can you earn her trust back? Sure, if she gives you the chance, and if you have the patience for it - because I'll tell you, it's going to take a long damn time. And I mean you're going to have to be 100% honest and upfront about everything. But right now, not only is she hurt and betrayed, but she also feels stupid, and she feels like trusting you again is going to make her even more stupid. Somehow, you're going to have to convince her that putting her faith in you again isn't stupid, and isn't her setting herself up for more failure. Her friends are going to feel like the only ones she can trust, and you already set one against you by calling her a liar.

So you haven't gotten much in the way of good news - let me just say that it's entirely possible that she will take you back. I'm just not sure what I can tell you to do to ensure that she does.

[edit: you might want to start by personally apologizing to the one you called a liar. And be prepared to have her ***** you out and be very contrite when she does. Take the verbal abuse like a man. It may or may not help, but it certainly won't hurt.]

Give her some kind of line about "I don't want to lose you," "I don't want to throw away the best ting I've ever had," or something like that. Toss in some groveling and ass-kissing. "I wasn't thinking, and I was scared of losing you. Then all you have to do is look her in the eyes and say, sadly, "I've never been so happy as when I'm with you."

Panties = melted

Yes, feeding her trite, cliched, overused and obvious lines is exactly what you need to do to show her you're sincere and trustworthy.

They haven't let me down yet! They're classics for a reason.

It's all in the delivery.

Steven lists it all off and then delivers a bunch of knuckles to her jaw.

Yes, and then you should lift her face to yours and say "We'll always have Paris. Here's looking at you, kid." And they pay a black man named Sam to play As Time Goes By. Game over. Enjoy watching her get into the plane with another guy, knowing you'll never see her again.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's because you have no class

My favorite line is "I stick my neck out for nobody."

Words to live by.


Anyway, Dark__Knight, it seems you're pretty much **** outta luck.

Maybe, maybe not, but at the very least, you're in for a rough road.

Is that other girl cute? If your girl doesn't want you back, try and get some from that other girl.

I read that post and had to check twice to make sure it wansn't ragna.

This attitude actually infuriates me. This isn't a case of "oh boys will be boys". Drunk driving isn't acceptable because "everyone does it eventually" or "he only did it once". It only takes being a reckless menace once to completely destroy someone's livelihood or life and/or family because you were too much of a fool to cough up a few dollars for a cab, call someone for a ride, or crash on a couch.

You misunderstand. It is absolutely not acceptable but people make mistakes. He might have learned that, we hope, and assuming he has he doesn't deserve to be condemned here for it. If something devastating had happened he would be living with the consequences for the rest of his life. That guilt would be far more bitter than the hate filled rhetoric of the morally pure at this forum.

pwned.

Assuming you aren't screwed, consider (and I mean that seriously; really consider) whether you can deal with being in a relationship with someone who will look at you with virtually constant (and justified) suspicion for the forseeable future.

You are in fact: Not screwed. At least for the near future :p

As I said, only if you have something useful to say. Ten pages of grovelling and nonsense wouldn't.

I just always pictured such a letter as something people expect to receive and dread its arrival. It's a big win if the recipient even reads it.

Also, what the hell admins? Spoilers in thread title.

The only mistake you've made was in your inability or unwillingness to muddy the waters. I would've pretended to black out, told her that you don't remember anything from that night & that you may need help (some sort of rehabilitation). You could've even cried a bit for realism & showed her the whiskey tin that you carry with you everywhere. She'd feel guilty about dumping an alcoholic that's in desperate need of her help. You could've come off looking like a hero but you had to go & spoil it all with the truth. Women don't want the truth. They can't handle the truth. They don't want to know that we think about ****ing every girl that we see. They want a ****ing Lifetime story or "The Notebook". Who are you to deny them?

^ This man does not represent us