You awaken on the floor of your living room. Your bedside clock doesn't tell you what time it is, because you're not in bed and you can't see your bedside clock. As near as you can tell, the light coming through the shuttered windows is light-ish. You don't remember why you fell asleep here. You don't even remember having the several drinks that might provide a partial explanation as to why you fell asleep here. You think you'd probably remember that part.

You don't remember me not taking the time to write a plausible backstory, either.

Your idiot brother or cat lost the documentation for this game. You have no idea how to play.

Obvious exits should not have to be pointed out to you.

I stay in bed and contemplate how meaningless my life has been

While I don't contemplate how I stayed in a bed I wasn't in...

>>CHECK INVENTORY

I unhinge my jaw and slowly begin the tedious task of swallowing my own leg. My breath comes more and more reluctantly, as though I was being hugged by a small T-Rex. I pause for a moment and ponder the varying complexities of insects. A woman cries in the distance as an elevator slides slowly to a halt. I kiss you on the mouth as you give birth to me.

You're not in bed, jackass.



You reach into your right hip pocket and find a nickel. You look at one side, then the other. The nickel was minted in 1973.

You have nothing else. No one likes a know-it-all.



I'm sorry, I don't understand this command, jackass.

You have gained one Adventure Point.

Total Adventure Points: 1

I put on my robe and wizard hat.

>>LOOK FOR BOOZE

(Hey, one way to postopne what's likely a hangover -- more drinking!)

You reach up, pull your wizard hat off the couch, and don it. You rest your head on the floor again, crushing the back brim of the hat. What the hell, man? That hat wasn't cheap.

You don't see your robe anywhere.



You crane your neck to see if there's any manner of alcohol resting perilously on the blades of the ceiling fan above you. No such luck.

>>Switch on Ceiling Fan

You reach for the chain on the ceiling fan, and discover that your arms are not seven feet long.

*sigh*...Somebody is a fan of the HHGG text adventure game.

>>STAND UP

>>Check underneath and behind furniture for bodies to make sure this is actually where I live, and I didn't murder whoever does live here.

What the hell do you think this is, some kind of standing simulator?



You stand up.

Yeah, this looks real familiar. You're certain this is your home. You're more certain of it than you've been of anything since that time you were certain that woman at the benefit dinner wanted to go home with you. I mean, sure, it turned out that she had a beautiful and charming wife, but the point is that at the time you were really, really certain, and you're almost exactly as certain right now.

Just to reassure yourself, you check underneath the couch for a corpse. You find none, which is a hell of a relief. Any corpse that could have fit in the quarter-inch between your couch and the floor would have absolutely ruined your carpet.

You feel momentarily guilty about this train of thought.

Behind the couch is quite a bit of open space and a table with an unfinished jigsaw puzzle on it. Only three pieces have been put together. They are all wrong.

>>Figure out the time and date using nearest adequate time-telling device. Remember if I am employed and whether I am supposed to be at work right now. Check phone for texts or voicemail.

You take a step toward your kitchen microwave, trip over a fork that's been left on the floor and go sprawling. Your nose hurts.

>> Pick up the fork and hold it in a defensive position. Look for food.

>>Display character sheet (ability scores, skills, known magic spells, that sort of stuff)

You look at the fork. It's just out of reach.

You won't take that lying down.



You check the sheet just in front of where you've fallen. It's a cable bill. You owe $68.27 for this month. You owe an additional $68.27 for last month, and a $25 late fee. Hey, I get it. You were busy and this one just slipped by you. You might want to think about switching providers, though. That's a hell of a fee.

>>Considers if he has any sort of relation with Murphy and if so, if cursing should be involved

You take a moment to consider Murphy. Hey! THAT ASSBASTARD STILL OWES ME MONEY!

>>spews profanities loudly in the hopes his rage fuels him with a scheme for how to get money

>>Look up

"Assbastard," you say loudly. You don't know any other swears. You can learn more swears by visiting a swear dojo and seeking instruction from a swearmaster. Or maybe also by hitting your thumb with a hammer.



You look up and see a cartoon-style word bubble. "Assbastard," it reads.

>>check pockets for money

Are you hoping more than the nickel already mentioned before will appear in his pocket, Anthony? Or perhaps if we do the same thing often enough, we'll break the game/McLongname into doing what we say?

>>Check fridge for booze/food/secret entrance to swear dojo

>>Check shoes for extra money

>>Look for a hammer

>> Check to see if my right arm is covered in dried blood, or if I can either feel or see any wounds.

>> Check to see if I feel a sharp pain in my left forearm, possibly due to a tiny puncture.

>> Take a nap. Hopefully our situation will improve in a few hours.

You don't find any money. That nickel must have fallen out of your pocket when you tripped.



Character name changed from "jackass" to "dojo."



You can't check for extra money because you don't have any money. Any money you found would just be regular money, not extra money, dojo.



Gebohq isn't here.



You turn your head and flop your right arm forward to examine it. It appears and feels intact. Well, I mean, you kind of hurt your palm. Maybe you shouldn't have flopped your arm so hard.

You turn your head again and flop your left arm forward. Oh, assbastard, you think. You don't notice any tiny punctures in your forearm, but you feel a sharp pain that almost definitely wasn't there before you tripped over a fork and tried to forestall your (in hindsight) inevitable faceplant with your left arm.



You cannot nap in an owned floor.

>>Start to masturbate furiously.

>>Untie shoes

>>use untied shoe to masturbate furiously

>> Get up.

>> Hand write a letter to the cable company explaining our current dire financial situation. Place our last nickle in the envelope as proof of goodfaith. Make a mental note to mail it if we ever manage to escape this room.

>> Pick up fork.

>> Pray to Cthulhu for guidance.

>>Check pockets for money

>>Looks for Gebohq who is totally not a tool

You can't do that with your shoes on.



You roll onto your side, pull your knees up to your chest, and reach down to your shoelaces. You pull on the ends of the laces, collapsing both bows into tight knots. Tough break, man.



Character name changed from "dojo" to "Rex Ryan."



You stand up. Your nose bleeds. You write your letter in blood on the back of the bill using one of the tines of the fork.

You have gained one Adventure Point. Total Adventure Points: 2

You don't have a nickel. You pick up the fork from the floor.

You pray to Cthulu for guidance, but you are as a mere ant scurrying about beneath his notice, so he doesn't give a ****.



You don't find any. You'd never keep a check in your pocket anyway. It might get creased.



You consider this, and respectfully disagree.

You still don't see Gebohq here, Rex Ryan.

>>Loosen belt

>>Rifle through medicine cabinet for laxatives, narcotics, or cough syrup, and pocket them

>>Look for potato peeler