You throw the earpiece on the floor and stomp on it. It breaks into tiny pieces. Feel better?

You have gained one Adventure Point. Total Adventure Points: 2

>>use eyeballs to locate doorknob or handle on kitchen door
>>if handle, lean forehead against door and slide downward against handle until it turns
>>if doorknob, press limp hands against either side of doorknob forcefully, and rotate

>>equip earpiece

>> Locate Pamela Anderson sex tape

>>consult a lawyer about your woes

>> Go to bathroom. Urinate and defecate. Shave and shower. Clean Bathroom. Go to bedroom. Dress in clean clothes. Clean entire apartment. Think "Now I am ready for an adventure."

>>destroy apartment

>xyzzy

A wild Gebohq appears!



Where does the wild Gebohq appear? Who knows?

>>loosen belt

You're not carrying any eyeballs.



You're pretty sure you won't be able to put that earpiece back together, no matter what kind of tape you use.



You can't imagine why a lawyer would find any of this the least bit interesting. In fact, you're positive any lawyer would consider all of this a complete waste of time.



You walk into your living room and are distracted by the sight of a nickel on the floor.



You'll have to find an apartment first.



Nothing happens. After a moment, something happens, and then nothing happens again.



You don't know. He doesn't seem to be here.



You're not wearing a belt. The belt was a metaphor.



You equip the earpiece. Your phone rings.

>>loosen phone

>>north

>>rotate clockwise in the x-time plane

>> Use phone to take a selfie.

You loosen your grip on the phone. It falls to the floor, and the screen cracks.



You stride confidently into a wall.



You do a barrel roll, eventually returning to your original orientation.



You pick up the phone and reject the call. You just hate talking on the phone.

You angle your phone juuuuust right, smirk up at it, and take a picture. You look at your phone again.

Well ****, you think, now I look even fatter.

>>is this the real life?

>> south

>> upgrade lock picking skill (-1 Adventure Point)

No, this is a text adventure game.



You stride confidently into your couch, go headlong over the back of it, and fall on your head.

You can't use an Adventure Point for that. Not in this condition, anyway.

>>sleep

>>craft dragonbone greatsword

>>put dragonbone greatsword in oven

Michael, where did you get the idea for this? It occurs to me that this might make an amusing smartphone app. It would be like 'The Stanley Parable' but in text adventure format.

>> west

>>Push button on oven that says "Clean"

>>Get jiggy wit it

>>become cubist

I'd hate to test such an app.

Me: "This app doesn't seem to launch."

Michael: "Working as designed."

Me: "And it bricks the phone if you try to uninstall it."

Michael: "Bonus feature!"

You're pretty sure that's how you got into this predicament to begin with. You resolve never to sleep again.



You pick up the dragonbones from your coffee table and painstakingly craft a dragonbone greatsword. Perfectly balanced, razor-sharp, and inlaid with ancient runes of almost unthinkable arcane power, this is truly a weapon worthy of the greatest of warriors.

You have gained one Adventure Point. Total Adventure Points: 2



You put the dragonbone greatsword in the oven and shut the door. You're too busy right now to worry about whether the relative dimensions of the greatsword and the oven make this impossible.



Your phone beeps. It looks like whoever called earlier left a voicemail. You play it back.

"Hey, it's Michael. I don't know exactly how this idea came into my head. Earlier Geb mentioned the Hitchhiker's Guide text game, which is obnoxious and difficult and downright STUBBORN and the farthest I ever got in it was getting run over by a bulldozer. So that's definitely informing some of what I'm doing here. And I've always just found intentionally broken/frustrating games funny. Stuff like I Wanna Be The Guy, for instance, which is basically designed to make you hate it. Plus I was remembering some of the stupid commands people (like me) posted in Katzenjammer and whatever Tibby's thing was awhile back, and I thought it would be fun to run something that was like that but willing to be just as stupid as the people playing it. Except Alan. I can't compete with that.

"Something like this would probably be pretty fun as a mobile game, but I think a big part of what makes it work (to whatever degree it actually does work) is that I'm able to decide on the fly how to respond to the commands, which lets you guys post some pretty dumb and unintuitive stuff and still expect to get some response other than a generic 'I don't know how to do that.'

"Oh, and don't forget to pick up some eggs."

The message ends. Your faith in yourself to solve your current problem, and indeed ANY problem, bolstered by Michael's wise words, you stride confidently into a wall.



You activate the self-cleaning function on your oven. After a few moments, the dragonbone greatsword catches fire and is ruined. Your smoke alarm goes off.



Hey, that smoke alarm has a pretty catchy beat. You get down. Figuratively, for once.



Shut up, stupid.

>>perform every action until otherwise noted backwards

>>run through the nearest wall

>>attain infinite speed

You become a cubist. You can't think of a way to demonstrate this, without any paints or other art supplies handy, but it has definitely happened.

You don't remember any actions prior to this one. You might have a concussion from running into walls.

The nearest wall is to your west. You're not able to build up much speed before running into it.

You don't see an infinite speed here.

>> sniff finger

>>blow out oven pilot light

>>turn on oven

>>enter oven

>> use finger

>> east

It doesn't smell like much of anything.



There's no oven here.



You signal your displeasure at the way this game is treating you.

You consider walking east, but your recent track record with that sort of thing isn't great. You decide not to, at least not without looking first.

>>look

>>save game

>>[15 megabytes of the BEL control character]

>>use self on world

>> Turn on computer. Play a text adventure game.

>> Look for a way to go outside