As the Amazing Adrian attempts to fly his two new friends to safety, he is unable to quite compensate for an extended ledge that hits Bokken Monkey square on the head with a resounding B.U.M.P.!

Bokken: OW!

Adrian: Sorry...

Bokken: M.U.S.T. I be turned into the writer's whipping boy now?

Rachel: That pun is pretty bad.

Bokken: N'eSt pas!

Rachel: You did it again!

Bokken: EeP?

Rachel: How predictable...

Suddenly, a Totally Harmless Unexpected Distraction (T.H.U.D.) appears.

"Non-Player Characters," Soriel grunted with disdain as his blade sliced through all three of the thugs as though he we serving the Sunday Roast.

Once done, however, he was left with the dilemna of flight incapability and peered up into the sky where the speck, albeit large speck since there were three people in the one speck- perhaps blot is a more apt word-

Soriel: "SILENCE!"

He watched the dark blot against the pale blue sky, taking particular note that something akin to flailing was occuring at its lower half. He tilted his head as though it might afford him a better angle, however a blot was just a blot at this distance.

The blot suddenly gave birth to a speck. The speck plummetted at an incredible speed and Soriel was certain he heard someone screaming about bad luck.

* * *

Unfortunately what Semievil found was a Dancing Flower and not a weapon at all. Stood up in the sand, the plastic potted flower boogied to the sounds of hungry, hungry animals as they continued their pursuit of the grey-skinned NeS hero. Of course the fact that Semievil was still dressed as a pirate didn't help matters either as the peg leg wasn't the most efficient of escape vehicles.

* * *

The scream of imminant death coursed through the skies as Rachel watched Bokken Monkey's descent toward the ground with mild indifference. Despite his seeming bad luck, Bokken also possessed a twisted good luck that saved him from impending doom at the very last moment.

Naturally it kicked in and a new plothole ripped open beneath Bokken, swallowing him and taking him to... somewhere else.

Amazing Adrian: "Ah! A new Einstein-Rosen-Podolsky bridge!"

Rachel: "Plot-hole."

Without further debate over terminology, the Gaming Guardian flew himself and the damsel through the portal.

* * *

The Dancing Flower, meanwhile, proceeded to DANCEY-DANCEY!

* * *

Soriel sighed, spying the plot-hole so high up in the sky. He had to wonder whether the NeS or the writers were conspiring against him, intending to prevent his ascension from the lowly 'minor villainous character'.

He drew Fred from his sheath again and stared at the dead bodies of the thugs.

Fred: "This is going to be gross" [/size]

Soriel moved his blade with obvious intent at disgusting, violent mutilation of the bodies that would undoubtedly need to be censored to save the innocent children's eyes the shock and horror he would commit. A plothole appeared in which Soriel was also sent through the suspended portal high above as a method of censorship. Clever swine that he is.

* * *

DANCEY-DANCEY!

In the world of the Writers...

Antestarr the writer: This Story Arcade service we've been using doesn't seem all that it's cracked up to be. It isn't fun to write for the NeS now. Doesn't even seem as interesting as MoM for that matter.

Britt the writer: That's too much information, man...

TLTE the writer: Just give it a chance, and I'm sure you'll grow to like it. Have you even written anything since we got this service?

Ante the writer: Have you?

TLTE the writer: I've been--

TLTE the writer paused, looked up and into his thoughts, then looked back at Antestarr the writer.

TLTE: I've been busy.

Britt the writer: You and everyone else! I don't think I've even seen Geb around lately.

Ante the writer: Count yourself lucky.

Ante and TLTE the writers smirked at each other the way only those sharing an inside joke can, leaving Britt the writer by himself. He then holds his fists up and bobs lightly side-to-side like a boxer in a way that might be mistaken for a dance. Voodoo the writer passes by as he does so, then stops to watch Britt the writer.

Britt the writer: ...dancey-dancey?

Voodoo the writer: Uh....

And then Voodoo the writer walked away.

Britt the writer: Sad Britt is sad...

Britt the writer shuffles away.

Numerous leaps through plot-holes later...

Bokken: We're doomed we're doomed we're doomed we're doomed we're doomed we're--

Rachel: Shut up and keep running!

Bokken Monkey, Rachel, Soriel, and the Amazing Adrian continue to stand their ground, as Gebohq would have (that is to say fleeing for their lives), as a million murderous monstrous mutant monkey-men threaten their lives.

Rachel: The Plot Device Finder says the next plot hole out of this mess is -- ANOTHER MILE AWAY?

Bokken: Why a plot hole can't be big enough to be closer at this point is beyond me...

Soriel: FASTER! WE HAVE TO MAKE IT!

Rachel: Aren't you usually one for fight instead of flight?

Soriel: What do you take me for? An idiot? There's a million of those things!

Our four protagonists continue to book it, drawing ever closer. However, it is painfully obvious that they will be overtaken before they reach their destination -- Rachel's tricks, Soriel's swordsmanship, and Adrian's abilities are no match for Bokken's sheer bad luck.

Rachel: Remind me never to let you tag along ever again, Bokken.

Bokken: Geez, I can feel the love.

Adrian: I think this is my cue to make what might be considered a "heroic sacrifice."

Rachel: Hey, don't go being a martyr now!

Adrian: If being around you guys has taught me anything...

The chaos dims down as the Amazing Adrian prepares a dramatic monologue.

Adrian: ...it's that I'd be better off with the monkey-men than suffer any more of the insanity that plagues you all.

Not quite as dramatic as I was expecting.

Adrian: Sorry.

The Amazing Adrian shoves Bokken, Rachel and Soriel with the extra force needed to reach the plot hole in the knick of time.

---------------------------------------------

Setting: a flat, American Mid-Western grass plain, as far as the eye can see. A dirt highway divides the plain, running east to west, and parallel to the highway are a single set of train tracks. Between the two is a small train station, the kind that continues to strengthen this stereotypical setting. Across from the station, on the other side of the highway, is Danny's Diner, with two cars parked by the side. It's a miracle the place gets any customers at all, from the apparent isolation and lack of traffic.

A plot hole opens several feet above the dirt highway, and Bokken, Soriel, and Rachel fall out of it and on top of each other.

Bokken: Ow...

Soriel and Rachel roll off of Bokken, stand up, and brush themselves off. Rachel pulls out the Plot Device Finder and scans around.

Rachel: Well, unless this thing broke, I think we're finally where we're supposed to be.

Bokken: In the middle of nowhere?

Soriel: So what now?

Rachel: Uh...

Rachel looks at her Plot Device Finder.

Rachel: Come ooon... do something!

Just then, someone yells from within Danny's Diner, and a lot of clatter is heard. The Plot Device Finder blinks and points towards the diner.

Rachel: I think we'll find something at the diner.

Bokken: You think?

Soriel, Rachel and Bokken hurry over and enter Danny's Diner. Inside they see three things of interest -- what appears to be a man (or is it a woman?) wearing a cowboy hat and hiding behind the bar, an attractive young woman, and what appears to be a possessed toaster assailing her.

Soriel: This looks to be a job for a killer!

Fred, Soriel's blade: Hero, boss.

Soriel: I mean a job for a hero!

Bokken: Be my guest.

Soriel: Bokken, be useful and distract it for me.

Bokken: Wha--?

Soriel shoves Bokken towards the possessed toaster, tripping over its power cord and getting his foot tangled in the process. As the possessed toaster turns its attention towards Bokken, Soriel leaps into action, attempting to batter down the villainous toaster levitating by some unholy power.

Bokken: GAH! WATCH WHERE YOU SWING THAT THING! I'M STILL CAUGHT ON ITS CORD!

Soriel: Well then get un-caught, sheesh.

Rachel, meanwhile, moves to help the attractive woman someplace safer.

Unnoticed by any at hand, another magical portal opens, and out step three figures. Two of which are those we will know later as Relapse and Tiger, and the third is a familiar Amazing Adrian...

Tiger: Is that... a possessed toaster those people are fighting?

Adrian: Considering we're in Geb's territory, this isn't the strangest thing that could...happen...

The Amazing Adrian looks at three of the people in the current tussle with the possessed toaster. An old, deeply buried memory rises like something out of Night of the Living Dead. His eyes grow wide.

Adrian: No... it can't be...

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WILL THIS BE THE FIRST IN A SERIES OF STOPS ALONG A RAILROADED JOURNEY TO ULTIMATELY SAVE GEBOHQ? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON THE NEVER-ENDING STORY/GAMING GUARDIANS CROSSOVER!

Relapse: This is going to be one of those days, I can tell.

The very obvious ninja shudders slightly as the new system's ruleset takes affect on him, and more rapidly than most too. However they do appear to have arrived in the middle of a midwestern bar brawl - and making threatening remarks at the ceiling would be both rude and ineffective at the current juncture. Before he can make an announcement, Adrian's reaction draws his attention. Taking advantage of the confusion, Relapse pushes Adrian towards Tiger and takes a step forward.

Soriel's next leaping swing is dodged handily by the evil electrical entity, utilizing its tether to the uncooperative Bokken to bungee itself backwards and, as an extra bonus, entangle Bokken's hand that had reached forward to remove the cable from his foot. If the fight keeps going for very long there could be a hog tie in his future.

Relapse: Ahem.

Soriel reacts by attempting to king hit the toaster with Fred, the evil electrical entity barely swooshing out of the way of the blade's strike. For taunting purposes or the toaster only just evaded a precision attack - hey, without facial features, you judge its reaction. It's bad enough with Cupboard...

...

Upshot: Reaction - not a sausage. Not even from Rachel or the damsel. Or the cowboy-hat wearing indeterminate.

Relapse: .oO ( OK, so much for that cliche. )

With Soriel spinning around for another attack and the toaster dodging as best it can with its cord entangled around yet more of Bokken, there's a soft thunk-thunk-thunk as three stars of dark metal appear in the bar. Equidistant from both dueling parties. That has the desired effect, both of them turning to look (or look like its looking) to the direction the thrown shuriken came from. Bokken has to wiggle a bit to be able to see.

Relapse waves. As does Tiger, Adrian continues to observe in slightly numb fashion with a rather heroic looking flashback face. Heroic does tend to stick.

Relapse: I am certain whatever is happening here is highly important, so I will be brief. From my understanding there is supposed to be a comedic misunderstanding about heroes and territories and so forth, but a good friend of ours is in trouble. So if you could just tell us which of you are good guys and which are not, we shall make this quick and try to be on our way smoothly.

A moment or two passes and then he turns to look at Adrian. After all, most of the other people in the bar did before he'd even started talking.

Tiger: ...Adrian? *waves at Adrian's face*

Adrian: *quietly* the monkeys....

Rachel: But...you..

Bokken: cable cutting off circulation to my hands! i'll never bobsled again!

Soriel: you never did.

Bokken: oh yeah. hey adrian. never thought we'd see you again so soon.

Adrian: *continues to stare heroicly blankly*

The toaster, confused about the current situation, continues to hover. Its not very bright, but then, neither are our heroes.


Bokken: oooooookay. so yeah, crazy ninja guy, didnt catch your name, sorry, as far as i am aware, the only evil thing here is this toaster which is currently entwined in my limbs. well and soriel, but hes changed! he swears!

Soriel: *grumble grumble*

Bokken: anyway, if you could be so kind as to free me from my bonds before i lose my legs and my hand, it would be much appreciated.

Rachel: Yes, please do. Bokken may be irritating, but it'd be preferable if he was ambulatory. he would be much more annoying if one of us had to carry him.

Soriel: *under his breath* carry. heh. i'd just put him out of his misery.

Relapse: ....

((This is from Tiger, since he can't post himself right now.

Note from Tiger: This is my first time doing this sort of thing. If there is something in my post that is wrong, please correct me. Thank you.))

It appears that our heroes are in the mist of a most unusual Western tale. A tale whose telling is grand but is bound to get sidetracked one way or another. Nonetheless it is indeed a tale worth treasuring, and passing to generations to come.

…That is to say, it was, until two more plotlines had suddenly bumbled along and crashed right into each other. This is going to leave quite a mess.

That attractive young woman is backed towards the far side of the diner right now, nearest to Rachel who had helped her. Of course she is grateful for the assistance but she’s still quite shaken from her recent experience. So one could forgive her for being wary of her rescuers and the three gentlemen who’d just arrived. Particularly the one who’d addressed her, that man who is obviously a ninja.

She carefully moves to stand in front of one table, so that it is in between her and the rest of the room. She leans against it for some support and stares towards the bar, at the hat of the man(?) who is crouched behind the bar (whom she is currently still vexed at for not having blasted the damn toaster in the first place). Now that the toaster seems to have settled down, or is sufficiently distracted enough, she hopes that she could perhaps move on with her business as soon as possible, while she still has the chance.

But she can’t do that while her acquaintance, the bartender, was cowering from the malicious home appliance. Not while she was stranded out here...

Meanwhile, Relapse is not amused. ...Okay, lets face it, he is a little amused. The situation he and his accomplices had stumbled upon isn’t quite unlike any he’s ever witnessed, but seeing a man practically getting hog-tied by a possessed toaster? Marvelous! To his credit he’d probably never admit that out loud. He’s also certain that he’d never himself be caught into that sort of situation.

Nonetheless a teammate is in trouble and there is work to be done! He eyes Bokken for a moment, then he turns to glance at everyone in turn, and also survey the scene. A diner, it looks like. And outside it looks like... a field. A very, very vast field. And seemingly no transportation except for those two vehicles and a train station with no train. In any case, the worse case is that the team is probably out in the middle of nowhere. He sincerely hopes that that isn’t the case.

Besides, if it turns out that they’d have to make a trek, they could always use Cupboard. Or Tiger, if he didn’t mind.

He tries not to pay Adrian too much attention, shifting his attention back to the bound man, then Rachel.

Relapse: I’m not entirely certain if that best serves my interests.

He folds his arms over his chest. Now he strikes the commanding pose, looking down on all adversaries!

Relapse: You hadn’t answered my question.

Bokken: What kind of question is that!

Bokken becomes increasingly annoyed that nobody seems to be leaning him a hand. He then proceeds to speak in a mocking imitation of Relapse.

Bokken: Oh, hello everyone. We’re just here to do things and everything will be swell if you point out the bad guys!

He snorts and bends some to use his free hand to attempt to loosen his bounds. Curse that swordsman.

Bokken: Plus I just answered you. It’s the toaster. Kill it!

Relapse: Oh, I thought you were kidding. About the toaster, I mean.

Relapse scratches at his chin with one finger.

Bokken: Kidding? What does it look like I’m doing here!

Relapse is struggling to keep both the amusement out of his expression. But of course he isn’t going to move to help the man. At least certainly not until the toaster makes a move first. He’d been keeping his attention on it and he’s noticed that it hadn’t moved or reacted at all since it and the swordsman had quit fighting. Actually he isn’t sure about the swordsman either, but certainly the toaster is the more lethal opponent here. Without eyes, an expression, or a body to read, he isn’t quite certain that he could take that thing without a considerable amount of effort on his part. Especially not with that poor guy so close by.

Actually he’s not sure that he even wants to! So far as he’s concerned this has nothing to do with his team’s quest at all, unless the answer to Geb’s ailment had somehow manifested into this toaster!

Which, considering where they are, isn’t too farfetched. But still!

Rachel isn’t going to offer any help to Bokken any time soon and she isn’t the least bit shy about showing her amusement. She turns her head to glance at the lady.. before seeing that she’d moved somewhere else. She then goes to tend to the woman. Perhaps she has something to do with the next plot device..

Much of Soriel’s attention is on the man who is obviously a ninja and the toaster. He so very much wants to kill them both! He also SO wants his burden of a sword to stop nagging at him about that woman! It’s hard enough to divide his attention between his two potential adversaries without the added obsessive lechery.

Nonetheless the sword is still drawn. He grips the handle tightly with both hands. He considers moving so that he could appear to cut at Bokken’s bonds but instead assault this new person and the toaster both at once! The notion that that tactic would work is wishful thinking, of course, but it sounds good in his head. Mostly addressing the ninja, Soriel speaks up.

Soriel: Well if none of you will do it, then I’ll free him.

Bokken: Easy! Easy!

Bokken, having not forgotten who’d put him in this situation in the first place, and also nearly cut him on several occasions during that little battle, continues speaking.

Bokken: You're not going to use thing, are you?

Adrian is left staring at empty space, but he’s not alone. Alongside him is Tiger (who, being a dragon of your D&D variety ought not to have been able to fit into this room at all, but somehow does anyway by... shape-shifting into a smaller size. Yes...) who is trying to rouse Adrian out of his spell. But Adrian is experience a most horrible flashback!

..a flashback of a most horrible experience. No one knows it yet, but this revelation, which very much pertains to the situation at hand for both parties, will indeed change everything.

That toaster. Why here, of all the places? Perhaps it is the one thing that is the most out of place out of everyone in here, and not just by virtue of it being a malicious floating toaster. Indeed it is more that it appears. (okay, so it appears to be a malicious floating toaster but maybe it’s more than that, too!)

Is the young lady out of trouble? Just how much is Rachel and friends getting into? Is Bokken going to survive with use of all of his limbs? Who is this Toaster, and what exactly has Adrian spellbound? Will the Gaming Guardians rescue Geb in time???

Go read the next chapter and see..

Adrian slooowly turns his head to look at Tiger, the dragon and human staring at each other for minutes that seem to drag on into eternity....

Before the hero suddenly springs into action by blinking! (who wrote this script?)

Actually, Adrian knows just how to defeat the toaster, thanks to an unlikely incident involving his pet cat, the details of which are too horrible to mention in a flashback ( I can say it resulted in the unfortunate loss of his toaster ).

Walking over to the the shelf on a nearby wall of the bar, he grabs a package of pop-tarts and tears it open...Strawberry, not potent enough. He goes through three or so packages before he finds what he is looking for. Whirling around to face the toaster, he holds up a single Wild Berry with Sprinkles, light reflecting off of the brilliant neon colors of the frosting and sprinkles and casting directly on the toaster.

Adrian: "Beware! Beware the sprinkles of fury!"

The toaster shies back like a vampire having garlic shoved in its face, smoke lightly emitting from the bread ports. Adrian steps toward the toaster and shoves his pop tart toward it.

Adrian: "Begone!"

There is a sound like a stretched out explosion as anime importance marks appear around the pop-tart in the wannabe superheros' hand. (or is that just a trick of the light? That frosting sure is neon...) The light overhead flickers and goes dark, slowly fading back into existance to reveal a mighty scortch mark on the floor where the toaster used to be. Amusingly, Bokken is now completely hogtied, though at least now there is nothing to distract the others from untying him.

Adrian blows away the smoke rising slowly from the poptart and turns to show it to Tiger.

Adrian: "It's WildBerry. No toaster can look directly at it and leave unscathed."

Tiger slurps the pop-tart out of Adrian's hand.

Meanwhile (count: 1337 100t 4 6313049), back in the World of Writercraft...

Geb the writer: *while eating a small orange* I think I'll go level up Ante's character some--

Ante the writer: No! That's my character! I got my own things I want to do.

Geb the writer: But--

Ante the writer: Go play with your own character.

Geb the writer: He's stuck in a coma.

Ante the writer: Well that's no fun. Go make a new one then.

Geb the writer: What? Blasphemy! Get out of my office!

Ante the writer: We're not in your office. We're in the break room.

Geb the writer: My office is not the break room!

Sem the writer enters.

Geb the writer: Hey! Why aren't you writing a post? And would you mind if I had your character go on a quest to kill 77 sentient baby oranges with Southern accents in the near future?

Silence.

Geb the writer: Oh, sorry, how rude of me. Want an orange?

He offers an orange to Sem the writer. Sem the writer leaves the room sobbing.

Ante the writer: OK, by "break room" I mean more a room where things break. Like people's minds.

Geb the writer: Was there some reason you were in here?

Ante the writer: What, the break room? I was hoping for an orange, but you're hoarding them all.

Geb the writer: THERE IS NO BREAK ROOM ONLY WRITING!

Ante the writer: Okay...

Stepping slowly backwards, Ante the writer exits the room.

Geb the writer: Wait!

B.U.M.P.!

Geb the writer: OW! My foot! Who left this writer's block lying around...?

Back at the Arena (patent pending), Semievil continues to do his best impression of someone alive and not being murdered horribly. Which is hard, considering his appearance--

Semievil: How many times do I have to say that I'm not undead?!

Nearby, the flower continues to dance.

Semievil: That flower is really starting to get on my--hrm... I wonder...

At that moment, one of the rabid tigers leaps on top of him and attempts to maul his face.

Semievil: GAH!

Using his knack for fixing, he fixes his first problem by duct-taping the broken water spritzer back into working order. And here I would have thought his first problem would have been being mauled by rabid tigers.

Semievil: Oh ye of little faith, watch and learn.

Whipping out his now-working water spritzer, Semievil aims it at the tiger.

Semievil: BAD KITTY! BAD!

The rabid tiger, annoyed at having water sprayed on it, stops to bathe itself proper.

Semievil: That ought to buy me some time while I look into my hunch.

Random Renaissance Audience Member #15: TRY STANDING UP STRAIGHT!

Semievil, not caring to take the time for a more deserving response, merely mutters as he walks over to the dancing flower, pulls out his staff, and begins grinding the flower into its own plastic pot.

Cris: NOT THE INNOCENT DANCING FLOWER!

Ford: What in blazes is he doing?

MZZT: Well, if we're really in an MMO parody--

Ford: Nobody likes you, MZZT. I'm here and you're not now GET OUT!

The Mega-ZZTer disappears in a sad puff of inanity. Meanwhile, Semievil has now grinded the flower into near-dust within its own pot. He takes out one of his Coke cans, pours it into the pot, and mutters some incantation. The contents of the pot glow, a fanfare is heard, and Semievil holds his new creation above his head.

SEMIEVIL HAS GAINED A NEW LEVEL IN POT POTION NOTIONS! SEMIEVIL HAS GAINED A CROSS-CLASS ABILITY!

Ford: What?

Semievil chugs down his new concoction, and immediately snaps to his full, terrifying height. And more... to a new, towering 10 feet in height. His eyes enlarge, his brow becomes more pronounced, his entire body begins double in mass and grow a heavy coat of dark reddish-brown--

Actually, in the middle of it all, he stops, neatly takes off his attire so that they are not damaged, then proceeds to finish his transformation!

Antestarr: He's turned into Semsquatch!

Cris: ...and now he's nowhere to be found. Guh -- the smell though!

Ford: Fuq.

If Relapse keeps pinching the bridge of his nose like that, and this frequently, he's going to actually do himself an irritation based injury. So much for trying to read the situation before doing anything about it. He almost shoots Adrian a glare but reconsiders. Adrian knows the system, so maybe all possessed toasters here are evil. ... He does shoot Adrian a glare, but the hero is already walking forward to take control of the situation.

He glances sideways at Tiger instead. Who is happily increased in net pop-tart contents.

Adrian: "So, big surprise, Geb's in trouble and we" - he indicates Relapse and Tiger with a magnanimous gesture - "are here to get him help."

Adrian takes a big breath, then slowly turns to Relapse with a curious look on his face. This slow turn becomes slower as with the sound of an orchestra coming to an uncoordinated halt everything else everything is gradually frozen. Nothing moves as the narrative pauses.

Relapse: "I'm moving."

...damnit, I knew leaving the Cupboard with you would be trouble.

Relapse: "You've can't find any of the information from the Guardians side of why we are here, can you?"

*nervous and embarrassed shuffling of notes* The board died. I know that there's something important with Geb collapsing, but not much beyond that. Well, that and we like Geb.

Relapse: *raises an eyebrow* How exactly should that stop you.

General politeness?

Relapse: ...

Fine.

As if it never happened, everything returns to normal speed, Adrian's look finally finishing its established trajectory to Relapse's face.

Relapse: "So we need to find something to help him, he's currently -"

Attractive woman, leaping the bar: "Oh thank you!"

Speeding past Soriel and Bokken, Adrian is abruptly glomped in a thematically-Western appropriate fashion.

Soriel: "Did she notice my sword? The hittingness?"

Bokken: "And how I was holding it down by it's cable, heroically risking my own neck?"

Everyone: looks at Bokken

Bokken: "...wrists?"

Attractive woman, to Adrian once more: "Thank you for saving me! But, if you're heroes, why aren't you off fighting Vice?"

The woman turns, whirling on Soriel. She advances slightly, but warily - the dude has scary sword skills

Attractive woman: "Fighting a toaster, when the Lost Beta is still in control! You should be off helping my brother!"

Rachel and Adrian: "Losien?"

*** Direct narrative interference, blatant plot advancement by ham-handed means, and a dragon who hopefully doesn't suffer from GI! Well, it's a living. Heck, it's not even that. Join us next post as we hear Relapse say...

Relapse, turning to Tiger. "Seriously, am I invisible?"

Tiger, looking at Adrian: "Who's Losien?"

Relapse, muttering: "mental note, find where my narrator sleeps."

Attractive Woman: "Uh. No. I'm Lucy N. Smith."

Bokken Monkey: "Do you always introduce yourself like that?"

Tiger: "Does seem a little formal..."

Lucy: ...

The similarities were astonishing. Down the very last detail. Unfortunately, as narrator, I'm being very lazy and not looking up the specifics on those details. Just take my word for it.

Fred, Teh Uber Blade: "Hey! Isn't that the tomboy babe we kidnapped a while ago?"

Soriel: "What? That Ricky woman?"

Rachel: "Gah! You're right! It is Ricky! What're you doing back there?"

Cowgirl: "Actually I'm K. Sa'dia Red."

Bokken: "Wow, she does it too."

Tiger: "Maybe it's part of the rule set for this world?"

Soriel: "Rule set?"

Tiger: "Uh... forget I said anything."

Soriel: "What?"

Rachel: "It's way too convenient that you two just happen to look very much like two of our friends-"

Soriel: "Using that term a little lightly..."

Rachel: "Soriel!"

Soriel: "Uh. Sorry. Yes, our... friends!"

Relapse: "I'd like to know more about this Vice character."

Bokken: "I'd like to know more about this mysterious ninja character that wants to know about our business."

Rachel: "That was very long-winded, Bokken."

Bokken: "Gimme a break! I'm still tied up, what do you expect from me!?"

Rachel: "Oh yeah. Forgot about that." Rachel looked from Bokken's tied-up form lay upon the bar floor to face Lucy. "So, fill us in."

Bokken: "That was kind of a hint, you know?"

Lucy: "It seems a group of "maybe a hundred people" who identify themselves as the Lost Beta, and who all look similar to someone she identifies as "T.L. Truevil," have recently asserted themselves as the dominant power in their world, led by someone she only knows as "Vice." She will continue to tell how her brother had taken the train to their HQ, the "Terrifying Tower of Terror" or some such, where her brother had hoped to confront and defeat Vice and his group. She has yet to hear from him in some time, though, and was ready to set off on her own when she was attacked by the possessed toaster -- one of Vice's special goons."

Soriel: "What the crap was that!?"

Rachel: "I think she was just taken control of by the Workshop thread!"

Soriel: "What?"

Rachel: "Uh... I have no idea. Anyway, point still stands. Now we have all of the information!"

Bokken: "I though that those toasters were from he future?"

Rachel: "I guess one of them sought alternative employment?"

Bokken: "Convenient."

Lucy: "Not really! It attacked me!"

Soriel: "She's back to normal."

Fred: "Normal and s3xy!"

A rare occurance, Soriel sheathed his blade. With much in the way of new-found information on the world that they found themselves in, the NeS Heroes still had to find out who their unexpected allies were and why they were here at all.

Rachel: "Spill the beans, Adrian. Who are you guys?"

Amazing Adrian: "Relapse, Tiger and... me. We're a team of heroes on a special mission to save our friend!"

Bokken: "Uncanny coincidence."

Soriel: "Why do we care what anyone in here says anyway? I haven't heard one iota of information about how we're meant to save your lover."

Rachel blushed at Soriel's choice of word. She proceeded to sigh and fell in to a long pause of thought about her time with Gebohq before he was placed in stasis. Her love. Her Geb-

Soriel: "All that internal thinking isn't getting us anywhere."

Rachel: "Sorry. You're right though. We need to find information on Geb. But then again my Plot Hole Device said that this was the spot-"

Relapse: "Wait, wait. Back up a bit there. Whose name did you just say?"

Rachel suddenly grew very angry. She puffed out her cheeks, stiffened her body and stamped her foot; much like a child.

Rachel: "Are you insulting my boyfriend's name!?"

Relapse: "Whoa! No! I-"

Rachel: "I'll beat you senseless, you stupid ninja sod! I'm April Fools! I'm not to be taken lightly!"

Bokken: "Isn't that the point of April Fools?"

Rachel: "Quiet you or you'll never get untied!"

Bokken: *whimper*

Soriel: "Actually it might be better that way. I've been trying to think of when he's ever been useful. I mean, bad luck might be an interesting power but..."

Bokken: "Are you really complaining? It just means more things for you to kill!"

Soriel: "Good point. You can stay."

The swordsman proceeded to unravel Bokken from the toaster cord, resisting the urge to strangle him with it afterwards. Old habits die hard.

Adrian: "Actually, I think Relapse was being serious. What name did you just say, Rachel?"

Rachel: "My boyfriend's name is.... Gebohq."

Relapse, Tiger, Adrian, Bob the Window-Cleaner: *GASP*

So, with the majority of the boring information posting done, can the heroes finally get some action? Will Red reveal her true identity as described in the following paragraph of the Workshop Thread? Will Bokken ever recover from those cord-burns? Can the Gaming Guardians tolerate the NeSian Heroes for another five minutes? Will Bob get those windows clean before he finishes work in an hour? Find out in the next post! Or he one after that if Geb gives us another bloody BUMPer post!

* * *

Geb the Writer: "Hey! I spend days coming up with new and colourful BUMPer posts!"

Britt the Writer: "Ptch!"

Geb the Writer proceeds to weep into his large pile of BUMPer post drafts.

Adrian: You're Geb's girlfriend?

Rachel: Well, fiancee actually.

She holds up her hand in front of her face, more to see the engagement ring for herself than to show to the others.

Rachel: It seemed like only yesterday that we first met...

Bokken: From my understanding, it was yesterday.

Rachel: In any case, Geb was struck with a mysterious, life-threatening condition, and we've tracked the source of his condition so far to here, so now we have to figure out how being here will help us save him.

Meanwhile (not keeping count while we're outside the NeS), Soriel sits at the bar, orders a drink from K. Sa'dia Red, and watches the others.

Bokken: I still want to know more about this mysterious ninja--

Relapse: Relapse.

Bokken: --and the dragon-conveniently-small-enough-to-fit-in-this-diner--

Tiger: Tiger.

Bokken: --that are with Adrian. How is it they have the same goal as us?

Relapse: I think I can explain. The three of you call the Never-ending Story or "NeS" your home, where a villain named the Ever-ending Plot or "EeP" threatens its existence, yes?

Rachel: Yeah, though the last time the EeP was a serious threat was pages ago, right before the start of NeSquared.

Tiger: Pages?

Relapse: I see. From my understanding, it's very simple. In short, we're from a parallel dimension that your friend Gebohq apparently visited at some point between that last serious threat and when you all next saw him, presumably in what seems to be a newer NeS. Before that, however, he must have also visited this dimension, this "Story Arcade" dimension. If Gebohq in this dimension were to then be threatened, it would affect himself in any space and time he's been to since then, including yours and ours.

Bokken: Oh, is that all? And here I thought it'd be complicated.

Bokken Monkey rolls his eyes.

Adrian: Wait... hey Lucy?

Lucy: Yes?

Adrian: What's your brother's name?

Lucy: Guy.

Adrian: Er... his full name?

Lucy: Guy Book Smith...why?

Adrian: Guy Book... sound a lot like Gebohq to anyone else?

Tiger: Apparently "fluff" isn't the most important thing in this system.

Relapse: I think it may be more important than you might think, Tiger--

Lucy: I don't understand what all of you are talking about, but if none of you are going to help, I'll be off to find my brother!

Lucy begins walking towards the exit when Rachel's Plot Device Finder begins beeping, marking a point in Lucy's direction and indicating the increasing distance.

Rachel: Wait, Lucy! We'll join you!

Soriel: I'm so glad she speaks for us all.

K. Red: Hold up, now. The train heading west is your best bet to reach Vice, dig it, but you'll be finding your trip a lot more difficult if you're not registered for his fighting competition.

Soriel: Fighting competition?

K. Red: Yeah. Vice and his "Lost Beta" boys have set up a fighting competition all around these parts, and winning these fights against his boys is the only way I've heard anyone meeting Vice in person, like her brother Guy did.

Tiger: This Vice has people leveling up before confronting him? He's not a smart villain, is he?

Relapse: How do we register for this competition?

K. Red: There's an office at the train station across the street. I'll be there shortly to interview any of you that wish to register.

Soriel: I thought you were the bartender at this place.

K. Red: I am. I also register people for Vice's tournaments. I hate the guy as much as anyone else, but I take the jobs where I can get 'em, y'hear?

Tiger: I really dislike being railroaded like this, in more ways than one...

Rachel: Anyone have any better ideas?

Everybody looks amongst themselves for an answer. Bob the window cleaner watches them all, still cleaning the same window he's been cleaning for the past five minutes.

(Non-Story Note: For those new to NeS, I will be posting whenever I can, even if some of you may have not, but by the same token, please post as often as you wish, as some of you already have. We're all "GM"s here, as it were, so there's no need to slow things down waiting for everyone to have their turn, so to speak. You all know my ideas -- go run with yours! Hopefully I'll be writing less bland stuff in the posts to come.)

Back at the Haunted House of Heroes, Voodoosnowflakes tries to get a good night's sleep...

Voodoo: Zzz...

The door creaks open. A cold air creeps into the room.

Voodoo: Mrrrr.....

Voodoosnowflakes curls up in her blanket. The floor creaks with slow footsteps, but nobody can be seen.

Voodoo: Zzz...

Suddenly, the bed jumps, startling Voodoosnowflakes awake.

Voodoo: Gah! Huh? Whu happened?

Footsteps can be heard quickly leaving. Voodoosnowflakes looks around, then lies back down. As she's about to fall back asleep, a ghostly, childish voice is heard...

Voice: hehehehehehehehehe....

The giggling is joined by other similar giggling. Then a vase is heard crashing somewhere in the house, followed by more. Voodoosnowflakes sits up from her bed.

Voodoo: freakin' hell-- KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!

More ghostly childish giggling, then footsteps off to some distant part of the house.

Voodoo: That's it! I can't stay another night in this place, not by myself. Time to go on a mission to find Sarn! ...and maybe get myself in a random encounter or ten...

She swoops the blanket off the bed as she gets up.

---------------------------------------------------

The Otter's coat flutters in the wind as he, Maybechild, and Ricky stand before Mr. Stafford's Central Manufacturing Plant.

Maybe: Alright, this should be the place. We can make a name for ourselves, get some--

Otter: What's that over there?

The Otter points to a sign. Ricky reads it outloud.

Ricky: "Characters must be at least Level 25 to enter this zone."

Maybe: And we're--

Otter: 24th.

Maybe: ...damn it. OK, I think I saw a place a while back we can grind for a bit more...

((NSN: I figured I'd play with my original idea for the NeS-side of the storyarc, so we'll see if either Voodoo or the trio do anything interesting...))

After a few minutes of not finding any better ideas (with the exeption of Tiger, who cleans the place out of pop-tarts when no one is looking), our heroes stride purposely out of the saloon after K. Red as she leads them across the dusty streets toward the train tracks. Rather than there being an actual station, there seems to be a improvisioned lemonade stand slapped together out of wooden boards and set up near the train, which otherwise stands in a big empty spot on the tracks. Stepping behind the stall, K. Red pulls out a visor and slips it onto her poofy red hair, squinting up at the small crowd in the afternoon sun.

K. Red: "So, what'll it be...can I sign you boys up?"

Relapse: "Don't see any way around it, so we might as well..."

The ninja steps up to the podium and signs the paper K. Red holds out, followed by Adrian. Soriel wordlessly signs up next, and so forth until everyone has had their turn; even Tiger, who is a little late in joining the group out by the podium. Only Lucy doesn't sign up.

K. Red: "Very well, that should do it."

Lucy: "I don't want to fight...I just want to see my brother."

Adrian: "She's with us."

K. Red nods and thumbs at the train behind her.

K. Red: "This here train will take you direct to the stadium at the foot of the tower. Only those who win their matches are allowed in, though I suppose if enough of you win, I can let the lady slip in as well."

The train itself is a polished black steam engine type, with several boxcars that look like they are made for hauling goods from the outside, but are actually poshly furnished passenger cabins on the inside. It's not a very big train either, at only two carts behind the coal bin and steam engine.

Rachel: "Wow, the train is very...cliche'."

Relapse is about to step on as the last person to board when he spies K. Red walking toward the engine, now suddendly dressed in vertically striped conductor's overalls and cap.

Relapse: "Let me guess. You work the train too?"

K. Red: "Girl's gotta eat, y'know."

The whistle blows as the engine lets off steam, the first few puffs thundering into the air as the trains wheels begin to turn, and the train pulls out of the small town with everyone on board, beginning the semi-long trek to reach The Horrific Tower Of Horror and the fighting stadium that lies at its base.

That night Antestarr and Ford sneak to the throne room of The Arena (patent pending)...

Guard: You can't be here!

Ante: You will take me to Ares now...

Ford: Seriously? No way that's gonna work.

Guard: I will take you to Ares now

Ante: You serve your master well...

The guard turns his back to lead them on and Ante seizes the opportunity to pick the guard's pocket of a shiny ornate whistle.

Guard: I serve my master well

Ante: And you will be rewarded

Guard: And I will be rewarded

As the two approach the throne, the guard throws a switch and Ante drops through a trap door. Ares and the guard laugh at him through a grate on the floor as Ford is shackled by another guard and forced to watch the spectacle unfold.

Ante: What the hell?

Guard: What? I'm collecting on the bounty for escaping gladiators. What was all that stuff you were talking about?

Ante:

As Ante ponders his situation, a gate to the side opens and Semsquatch emerges. Now comically oversized, Semsquatch eyes Ante menacingly.

Ante: Sem! Buddy!

The Semsquatch responds picking up a boulder from the floor and charging at Ante.

Semsquatch: Rawr!

Ante thinking quickly throws the nearest rock at a conveniently located control panel, causing the gate to slam on the Semsquatch mid-charge and leading to its untimely demise. Moments later the gate re-opens and another Semsquatch emerges, equally ill-tempered.

Ante: Crap! Respawns!

Ford: Oh how dreadful! He's been turned into an NPC! I can't look!

Egads! Will Semsquatch ever regain PC status? Will Ante think to use the item he just got on the boss he's about to face (again)? Did we seriously just compare the God of War to a giant space slug? Tune in next time for the Fight of the 17th Century! Of the Week!

The Semsquatch scoops up Ante with it's massive paw and begins comically smashing him against the floor.*

Ante: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ford: Ante! Keep him busy while I get us out of here!

*The monster continues to maul Ante.*

Ford: That's the spirit!

*Ford rummages around in his backpack that I guess he has and pulls out a pen.*

Ford: Now, all I need to do is add this freakish Semievil-thing to our party, and....

*Ford writes 'My Party'on a piece of paper and adds the names 'Antestarr', 'Ford' and 'Semsquatch'.*

*The long-suffering, long-forgotten Captain 4.5 struts into THE ARENA dragging a sullen Cris B with him, who appears to be on the verge of tears.*

Captain 4.5: Yarr. I caught this scalawag tryin' to jump ship.

Cris B: I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry!

Antestarr: Oh hey Pirate guy. How's it going with all your boat-swording whatnots or whoever?

Cris B: (sniffles) Make him stop the yelling!

Captain 4.5: Silence!

*This pushes gentle Cris over the edge. He buries his head in his hands and sobs.*

Captain 4.5: The oath between a crew and a captain is a sacred one but you lot just tossed that aside as soon as it was convenient! Or had you forgotten our daring escape from Governor James, or fateful sea voyage and our quest to find the crown jewels?

Ford: Actually, yes.

Antestarr: We tend to forget stuff when we get busy with other stuff. And Sem got turned into a space monster!

Semsquatch: RRRRRRRRRAAAAAR!

*This gets Captain 4.5's attention.*

Captain 4.5: Ye Gods!

Ford: So that's what we've been doing. It was fun.

Antestarr: Uh, no it wasn't. I got seriously injured. Is there a pirate hospital around here? Preferably one that specializes in more than just amputations.

Captain 4.5: Arr. In any case, you can rejoin me for a stake in the booty or you can mutiny for a stake in getting shot. Which be it?

Ford: I guess we'll do that thing we apparently promised. Even though it was like last week so who even remembers.

Captain 4.5: A wise choice.

Antestarr: No seriously, do you have any band-aids?

Ford: Maybe you could buy some with the treasure.

Cris B: And then we'll all have Crisburgers to celebrate!

Captain 4.5: Eh?

Ford: What?

Semsquatch: Hurr?

Cris B: At my restaurant. You know, Cris B's!

*Everybody stops and stares at Cris.*

Cris B: Well, they're actually just regular hamburgers but it's good marketing to call them that.

Antestarr: Where did we get this guy?

*Just as the heroes are about to bust out, Ares busts in!*

Ares: Halt, mortals! Ares, God of War commands your attention!

Ford: Well, we're screwed. Nice knowing you guys.

Ares: Once entered, none may leave THE ARENA! It is a place where combat rages eternal -

Antestarr: We know. We've been here already.

*Ares frowns at having his epic speech interrupted. He clears his throat and resumes.*

Ares: - a place where combat rages eternal between true warriors -

Ford: We're from the future!

Ares: - between true warriors -

*Ante pulls out his iPhone and waves it around while making spooky 'wooooo' noises.*

Antestarr: I can send text messages for free after six pm! Beware my advanced technology!

Ares: Silence!

*Ares shoots lightning bolts out from his hand and explodes the phone!*

Antestarr: I waited six hours in line to get that!

Ares: Then you shall die a fools death!

*Ares raises his electric-zapper arms to smite the heroes.*

Ford: Wait! You can't kill us!

Ares: Oh no?

Ford: Yes. Uh, meaning no. Because as intrepid timeventurers from future o'clock our deaths would cause a ripple in the space-time continuum...um...which when taken proportionally to the relative speed of light...uh...

Antestarr: Could cause severe...uh...consequences...

Ford: Yes! Consequences!

Antestarr: Of a...bad?

Ford: Yes! Bad! Very bad!

Antestarr: Of a very bad nature! So please don't smite us with your anti-cellphone ray.

*Ares ponders this for a moment.*

Ares: I find your logic rather nonconvincing. Prepare to be smitten!

*Cris B cracks up.*

Cris B: Sorry, I already have a girlfriend.

*Pause.*

Cris B: Actually she's not my girlfriend.

*Longer pause.*

Cris B: Actually she drives the bus I ride to work.

*Desperate to not die, Ford speaks up.*

Ford: If you kill us now, in the past, then how will you be born?

Ares: Even if I was a mere mortal what you're suggesting doesn't make any sense.

Ford: Or does it make too much sense!

Antestarr: Can I have my phone back now?

Ares: You have carried this charade far enough! Goodbye!

*But before Ares can reduce Ante and the boys to ashes Captain 4.5 comes swinging across the room on a convenient chandelier! Crashing into Ares he knocks the mighty God over and down a flight of stairs, buying the heroes time to make good their escape.*

Captain 4.5: Arr. An excellent distraction.

Antestarr: Right. Now let's boogie!

Captain 4.5: Arr.

Semsquatch: Rarr.

Cris B: Yep!

*The heroes boogie.*

*As Ford, Semsquatch, Antestarr and Cris B flee from the arena they notice a fifth figure running alongside them in the moonlight.*

Antestarr: MZZT? Is that you?

MZZT: Yes it's me!

Ford: Oh hey, MZZT. What have you been up to?

Cris B: We should stop running while we talk.

*The group stands still.*

MZZT: Well, I managed to hang back when you guys got yourselves captured and I was working on a very complicated rescue plan to save the day.

*MZZT reaches into his pirate vest and pulls out a hand-drawn blueprint of The Arena and several sticks of homemade dynamite.*

MZZT: I befriended one of the construction foremen and tricked him into giving me a detailed description of the Arena's interior from which I painstakingly drew up this floorplan. Then, I snuck into the local chemist's shop at night and stole the ingredients for TNT, which, when used in combination with the village uprising I was able to stir up provided enough of a distraction for you to escape unharmed!

Ford: Actually, that's not how we escaped.

MZZT: You're welcome - what?

Cris B: Instead we just used our pirate captain.

MZZT: ...Oh.

Captain 4.5: Arr.

Antestarr: But your idea was good too.

Cris B: Yeah. What was it again?

*MZZT heaves a heavy sigh.*

MZZT: You know, sometimes I feel like if I'm not constantly drawing attention to myself you guys just forget about me.

Semsquatch: Rurr.

*The Semsquatch places an understanding hand on MZZT's shoulder.*

MZZT: Thanks, buddy -

*For the first time MZZT is close enough to get a good look at Sem.*

MZZT: Holy moley what have you done to Semievil?!

Ford: It's kind of a long story.

*Ante gives a worried glance back in the Arena's direction.*

Antestarr: There's no time. We still need to put more distance between us and the angry war god.

*The heroes take off again.*

meanwhile 20 miles north of the Arena in the ruins of an ancient castle hidden in the woods two cloaked figures stand in the middle of an old graveyard with headstones that have worn down over the years to the point where no names have been visible for over a century

Cloaked Figure 1: Tonight is the night my friend... your master and my creator shall rise once again

Cloaked Figure 2: Remember we must recite the incantations correctly or it will be more than he who rises this night

Cloaked Figure 1: Yes, I know... i know... we should get started... you did bring the book right?

Cloaked Figure 2: yes... yes i have the necronomicon... wasn't easy finding it... the master's book collection is so poorly organized... it was underneath a pile of playboys

cloaked figure 1 reaches into his cloak and pulls out an ancient knife with strange glowing symbols on it's blade

Cloaked Figure 1: ok i need to see the book for a moment so i don't screw up the position of the symbols

cloaked figure 1 consults the necronomicon, uses the knife to cut open his own finger, then draws the symbols on the ground... the symbols then begin to burn the ground charring their designs into the earth

Cloaked figure 1: the blood of the creation to mark the gate

cloaked figure 2 takes the knife, cuts his hand and drips blood into the center of the charred markings

Cloaked Figure 2: the blood of the servant to knock upon the door

Cloaked Figure 1: now for the words...

Both Together: KLAATU VERADA... N.... N...

Cloaked Figure 1: necktie...

Cloaked Figure 2: nectar...

Cloaked Figure 1: nickle....

they both look around as if to see if anyone was around

Both Together: KLAATU VERADA NSJGAHFKJGHNLSFKGNBRGBRUG...

the ground around the charred symbols begins to crack and fall into a seemingly endless pit, flames erupt from the pit and an unholy hand reaches up

Cloaked Figure 1: quick help him up

the two cloaked figured reach down and lift their master from the pit

Jim7: Thank you...

the cloaked figures kneel before Jim7 also known as SATAN

Jim7: rise Qhobeq, stand Tony... there is much to be done...

Meanwhile. On a train. Of doom.

Bokken: So...if I have this correctly, we're going to go fight people now.

Rachel: If you want to be vague about it, yes.

Bokken: In order to gain the right to fight other people.

Soriel: Maybe we will. You'll most likely be killed in the first round.

Bokken: I should be so lucky.

Meanwhile once more. In a suburb in Southeastern Oregon a young boy rides his bicycle, as he does every day, on his way to school. Suddenly, a mean, larger boy, throws a stick at him! In a panic, he lets go of the handlebars and shields his face. The stick clatters harmlessly off his arms. To his surprise, the bicycle does not topple over. Indeed, his riding continues uninterrupted, as if nothing had changed.

Boy: I can ride my bike...with no handlebars?

Suddenly, as if someone flicked a lightswitch, the secrets of the universe reveal themselves to the young boy in droves. In a mere instant, he comes to understand those truths that have escaped man, have escaped even gods since the beginning of time. The fabric of the universe is at once his to manipulate. He rides on, never reaching for the handlebars again.

Boy: No handlebars! No handlebars!

After an indeterminate amount of time far longer than convenient for the characters, the train finally slows to a stop. K. Sa'dia Red's voice chimes through a speaker system.

Red: "Welcome to Midtown Market, folks."

Rachel, Relapse, Soriel, Tiger, Lucy, Adrian, and Bokken each step out of the train. Surrounding them are luxuriously lackluster commercial buildings just tall enough to be claustrophobic and not old enough to have a historic charm -- a place Jersey boys could call home. Nearest to the group is what appears to be a theater entrance labeled "THE STAGE" and underneath of it "The Lost Beta Presents: Duels of the Decade!" Across from the entrance is a 7-11 store, where many people (including a number of men that look very similar to each other) are walking either from, to THE STAGE, or to, from THE STAGE.

Rachel: So this is where we're going to find Vice? Not exactly what I was expecting.

K. Sa'dia Red walks up beside them.

Red: No, honey, this is where y'all will start. Ya gotta win some fights in there Stage area before I can let alls you further along.

Some exasperated sighs are heard from the group.

Red: Sorry, but rules are rules, and I ain't about to start any trouble with Vice or his boys. If any of you need me, I'll be managing the 7-11 over there.

Just then, a drunken man with a British accent starts yelling on top of the 7-11 store.

drunk man: I CLAIM THIS FORT IN THE NAME OF I, THEO OTTO R--ruh...

The drunk man attempts to regain his balance.

drunk man: What wuz I sayin'? Oh yeah, ahem. THIS FORT IS FORBIDDEN TO ALL MY ENEMIES! NONE SHALL HAVE MY BEEF JERKY OR MY MALT LIQUOR!

Red: Ugh, not Theo again... by the way, if any of you are lookin' for jobs, I could always use some help...

K. Sa'dia Red heads on over to the 7-11. Nobody seems to be paying attention to the drunk man on the rooftop, or our group of main characters for the moment.

Tiger: So, now that we've had our fill of exposition time, what's our plan of action?

Adrian: Well, at some point, we're probably going to have to fight some of these "Lost Beta" types, but the 7-11 seems uh... "significant" too.

Bokken: Great, we can chose between duels to the death and memories of teenage employment, and as much as death really turns me off, I really don't want to get involved with a 7-11 again if I can help it.

Soriel: Yes, neither do I. I can only hope these Lost Beta put up a good challenge.

Bokken: Wait -- how've you been involved with a 7-11, Soriel?

Soriel: I've been down on my luck too before, OK?

Bokken: Do tell.

Soriel: No.

Bokken: Aww, c'mon!

Soriel: Don't make me slay you.

Rachel: Quit it, you two. We'll just see what the Plot Device Finder tells us.

She pulls out the Plot Device Finder and looks at it. As she continues to look at it, the others begin to gather around her.

Lucy: So what's it say?

Rachel: It's... showing a giant dot over the entire place.

Bokken: Well that was helpful.

At that moment, one of the men that looks very similar to a number of the other men in the crowd walks up to the group. On closer inspection, he appears to be Russian, wearing a raggity coat, dark from dirt and grime, to match his hair and beard.

Man: Do any of you have any change to spare?

Relapse: Who are you?

Man: Some have called me The Last True Evil *cough*the bum. Please, don't think ill of me, for my own Beta brothers have cast me out. Have pity on this old man, will you?

Will these HEROES AND GUARDIANS OF ALL THAT IS GOOD help The Last True Evil The Bum? Will they fight the Lost Beta within The Stage, take up jobs at the 7-11, and slowly but surely chug closer to Vice and save Geb?

Relapse: And here I thought the train was the only thing being railroaded.

Find out, next time on The Never-ending Story Thread Squared's Story Arcade Campaign!

(Non-Story Note: For those unaware, the "Lost Beta" boys consist of clones of The Last True Evil, and are usually called by their character type, ex. The Last True Evil the Bum, The Last True Evil the Cross-Dressing Actor, The Last True Evil the Science Experiment Gone Wrong, etc. -- they can be very flexible, and since they're inherently communist spies at heart, they could be lying about who they are. Look at the first post of the workshop for more hopefully helpful information.)

Relapse pinches the bridge of his nose, and mutters. It's a quiet mutter, so quiet that even us up in narration-space can't pick it up. Damnit.

Tiger, to Adrian: He seems to be doing that a lot.

Adrian *engages superhearing... by moving closer and cocking an ear*: Saying something about if he looks up he'll see little diamonds over people's heads and at least one person happily walking into a building.

Tiger: He's got that wrong.

Relapse, sighs with relief and looks up.

Tiger: I count at least three.

Relapse glares at Tiger.

TLTEbum, meanwhile, continues harranging the party. He reaches out to grab Soriel in a classic alms-gathering-request and meets Mr Sharp-pointy. Nearly fatally. He's lost his dignity, his comrades but he hasn't lost his sense of self preservation - evidenced by skittering back. Incidentally, he also hasn't lost his pants. Be thankful.

Rachel, shaking the Plot Device Finder: At least this means we're in the right place. So...

Bokken: Continue with the railroading?

Soriel: Toot bloody toot. The Bum....

Tiger: *Snrk* Sorry.

Soriel: Tell us where your Beta brothers are.

The Bum's (*snrrrk*, sorry) eyes light up, and draws a big, quest-revealing, travel-requiring, multi-disc-switching-indicating breath... and sees a number of pointing objects pointing right at his nose. Soriel and Relapse's blades (well, sword for Soriel and a trio of shuriken for Relapse) are held closest of all.

TLTEBum: Signed up?

Relapse and Soriel: *nod*

TLTEBum: The Stage is where the fights happen. That way. Not locked. Open in three hours.

Pointed objects are withdrawn.

Relapse: Nice reaction time.

Soriel: ...

Bokken: So... hotdogs all 'round?

Adrian: Well, since I don't feel like randomly walking around and seeing what single items people keep in their furniture... sure.

Lucy: *rolls eyes, leads the way to the 7-11*

Meanwhile, in an derelict-yet-still-automated factory not too far away from Mr. Stafford's Central Manufacturing Plant, Maybechild, the Otter, and Ricky 'Red' Johnson face off against six evil robot refrigerators--

Ricky's shotgun: BLAM!

Correction - FIVE evil robot refrigerators. One of them retaliates by spitting a stream of ice cubes at the party.

Otter: I could use some healing!

Maybe: You'll be fine.

Another of the evil robot refrigerators vomits a frozen turkey at the Otter, knocking him cold.

Maybe: Or not.

As Maybechild heals the Otter, Ricky shoots another evil robot refrigerator down. One of the remaining refrigerators attempts to squash the party but trips on its own wire. In an impressive show worthy of a five-minute Final Fantasy-style cutscene, the Otter seems to summon a sun from another solar system to crush the remaining adversaries. This, of course, does little more than flash -9,999 above the evil robot refrigerators, though the population of planet Ysila III suffers a very cold future. Cue victory music.

GAINED 12,284 EXPERIENCE!

GAINED 623 PESOS!

ACQUIRED SIX PACK OF CORONA!

RICKY GAINED A LEVEL!

MAYBECHILD LEARNED A NEW ABILITY: STEEPLE RIDING!

THE OTTER GAINED A NEW CHARACTER TRAIT: FEAR OF FROZEN TURKEYS!

End the victory music.

Otter: I really wish these guys dropped gold or something more globally valuable. I mean, are we even in a country that uses this currency?

Maybe: We'll worry about that later. We should be plenty good now to head back to Stafford's place and really strengthen ourselves--

Over the speakers, a cold, evil computerized voice that carries authoritative weight chimes in to interrupt.

Computer boss: There are many more of my minions yet to face before you can challenge me, pitiful humans, for my army is endless and--

Maybe: Yeah yeah, whatever. Let's get going.

Maybechild, the Otter, and Ricky make their way out of the factory, leaving the life of the robot refrigerators a mystery. Why are they evil? What about the factory? Have the refrigerators thought of their lives beyond fighting random would-be-do-gooders that enter their premises, or are there in fact those in life who do not comprehend their own existence beyond their limited thoughts, those that are not saavy or aware or--

Computer boss: Apologizes, but I have to uh... clean the refrigerator...s. Plural. Yes.

Ugh, nevermind. Moving on, our heroes nearly approach Mr. Stafford's Central Manufacturing Plant when they run into Voodoosnowflakes and some unfamiliar men that appear to be dressed like more familiar NeS characters.

Voodoo: Mind if I join? I won't get in the way -- I just want to find Sarn.

Otter: Brilliant, more party members!

Maybe: Sure, but who're uh...

Voodoo: Oh, don't mind them. I mentioned rewards and they followed me. I think they're pirates.

Maybe: Can pirates do the whole hero-thing though?

Otter: They can't be any worse than the usual NeS cast, can they? And they must have a penchant for finding loot to boot!

Maybe: Right, I'm sure they'll be fine.

Ricky: ;>.>

Maybe: Now we'll probably have to figure out which of us three can fight at any one time during a random encounter...

Ricky:

WILL OUR HEROES (AND PIRATES) GAIN MANY NEW.... CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS INFILTRATING MISTER STAFFORD'S CENTRAL MANUFACTURING PLANT FULL OF TRANS-TERRA-TERRORISTS, FORGOTTEN CHARACTERS, ZOMBIES, DEMONS AND OTHER ADVERSARIES? FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN NESQUARED THE CAMPAIGN WITHOUT CREDIT!

In another time and place -- the Renaissance high seas if you want to get nosy about it -- Antestarr, Ford, Semsquatch, Cris B. and the Mega-ZZter sail off in search of new adventure.

MZZT: So yeah... where are we going again?

Ante: Far, far away from the angry god of war long enough for his short attention span to flicker elsewhere.

MZZT: Besides that, I mean.

Ante: Oh.

Antestarr covers his mouth as he coughs, and as he wipes his hand with the side of his shirt, he leaves behind a small red stain--

Ante: COUGH COUGH WE SHOULD BE GIVEN A NEW QUEST COUGH!

Talk about laziness. What happened to the joys of the journey and setting your own course?

Ford: Save the speech for some other time. We're just looking to get by for now, ok?

MZZT: Don't forget about the treasure! We're looking to get treasure too. We're pirates after all, right captain?

Capt. 4.5: Arr.

Ford: Yes, "arr" and such. So...quest?

Fine. Go talk to the mermaid on the starboard side.

Cris: Our starboard side or stage starboard side?

There's no "stage starboard" side, and even if there was, you--nevermind! Just go!

mermaid: Hail, fine men! If you be willing, I have a--

The mermaid is impaled with a harpoon, and is dragged on aboard the ship.

...

Seriously?

MZZT: I GOT ONE! What sort of loot does it have?

Captain 4.5: This not be good -- ill fortune will surely haunt us now.

Semsquatch then nearly swallows the mermaid whole.

Cris: Never would have thought he'd have a taste for sushi.

Ante: Or cannibalism. I'd keep your distance.

NORTH! JUST GO NORTH AND YOU'RE BOUND TO FIND SOMETHING! Why me?...

Back in Midtown Market, our heroes enter the 7-11. Once inside, they are treated to a scene of Lost Betas mulling about, making random purchases and otherwise looking like NPC's with lost mapping routines. Behind the counter is K. Sa'dia Red, now wearing trademarked 7-11 gear. The Bum Of Last True Evils follows them inside.

Adrian: Hey man, want a slurpee?

Bum Of Last True Evils: Aye...it's not the coin of the land...but it'll do.

Relapse rolls his eyes and shakes his head, browsing through the magazine stand. Ninja Pal, Ninja Weekly, Ninja Digest...The rest of the crew spread throughout the store, Bokken looking for helpful restoratives like potions and energy drinks while Relapse checks the book stand for tech skills. Soriel looks in bin marked 'discount weapons', which is right next to the bin full of discount hobbits, marked 'Baggin Bin'. Tiger and Lucy go to buy lunch for everyone (though especially Tiger). They are able to do this right up until the opening of the arena, stocking up on supplies, and they receive their first challenge before they even leave the 7-11.

The Last True Evil Of Texas: Heeeeyyyyyy yyyyyyaaaalllll....I herd y'all done registered in the tournament-show. I'll be your first opponerant.

Relapse and Soriel turn from their earnest discussion to give a once over of the fellow who just approached them. Like the other Lost Betas, he looks exactly like The Last True Evil, except he is wearing a comically large black ten-gallon hat, a red scarf over his face, a black blacksmith's shirt covered with large "bulletproofing" studs, faded jeans that also somehow manage to be black and black cowboy boots with overly ornate designs on them. At his hips are two black leather holsters attatched to a black leather belt, and his belt buckle is big enough to add +1 to his armor class.

Soriel: This joker?

Relapse: He's got a gun.

The Last True Evil Of Texas: Not just any gun, pilgrim...These here holsters are enchanted. They'll done give me any gun I want!

He draws his pistols as a demonstration. They look like ordinary silver-coated barrel revolvers...that is, until long curved boomerang-blades shoot out of of the handles, laser sights somehow appear from the top, and the one on the left is revealed to be loaded with staples instead of bullets.

The Last True Evil Of Texas: Oops! Heh heh....

The Last True Evil Of Texas reholsters his gun and quickdraws it again, pulling out a plasma rifle this time. K. Red gets fed up and slaps her hands down on the counter.

K. Red: ****! How many times have I told you, no rediculous gimmicks in the 7-11?! Take it outside!

The Last True Evil Of Texas: Sorry ma'am.

He hurries out, leaving Relapse and Soriel staring at each other in stunned silence, shaking their heads.

Relapse: Now you understand why I sometimes prefer doing paperwork to adventuring.
------------------------------

Meanwhile, on the Renaissance High Seas..
MZZT: We've been sailing through this fog for hours. Are you sure you know where we are, Captain?

Captain 4.5: Arr! Never question a man of the seas. I know where we be just as sure as this Albatross around me neck.

Indeed, Antestarr does a double take to find that the captain is wearing a dead sea bird as a kind of necklace, the thing tied to a length of rope. The Captain is holding it out in front of him by the slack, using the swaying of the dead bird as a kind of divining rod to give him directions.

Antestarr: Well, I suppose that does give new meaning to the term "Dead Reckoning."

Crash! Suddenly everyone is thrown off their feet as the ship runs aground.

Tiny voice from the crow's nest: Um, Laaaaaaand Hooooooo!

Captain 4.5: Arrr....A little late fer that.

Semsquatch: RAAAARGHH!

The Captain picks himself up and dusts himself off, turning to Ante, Ford, MZZT, Semsquatch, and Cris with a grin.

Captain 4.5: See? I told you I'd get us somewhere...You just gotta trust in the old seafarin' ways.

Cris: It's still kind of gross...Say, where are we anyways?

Captain 4.5: ...That's a good question.

The fog parts to reveal the grey, rocky landscape of the island they had just beached on. Since the ship wouldn't be going anywhere for a while, the pirates decided to disembark and search the island for loot.

Ford: You know...we still haven't gotten a quest.

As if in response to Ford, the party stumbles across another mermaid sitting on a rock near the shore. Before any of the pirates can poach her, Chris quickly steps in front of them.

Chris: Excuse me, miss, but do you have a quest to give us?

Mermaid: No, you b****! You ate my sister!

Chris cowers away from her, which allows Semsquatch to step toward her. She takes one look at him and cowers back herself.

Mermaid: All right....just keep that thing away from me! All I can give you is this magical conch shell. Blow into it, and something will surely happen.

She hands the shell to Semsquatch, who takes it, looking utterly confused.

Elsewhere, a young boy, having recently realized that he had absolute power over the fabric of reality, teaches another young boy how to do-si-do. Then he teaches a third young boy how to scratch a record. Then he takes apart the remote control from his television and...almost...puts it back together. He then heads to the grocery store, when he eats a cherry and ties the stem in a knot without taking it out of his mouth. Drunk with power, he writes a flagrantly false Wikipedia article about Leaf Ericson without using a computer, changes all the words to Des Colores, making it about being proud to be an American. He then causes a platypus to manifest from thin air whilst simultaneously making his own comic book.

Boy: ...I can do anything that I want...

He laughs evilly.

Our band of heroes leave the 7-11 with an assortment of goods and fat bellies, except Tiger despite him eating ten times as much as everyone else. Put together!

The pre-match festivities had begun. People gathered around, mostly consisting of various The Last True Evils. As the last trickles joined the crowd, music began to slowly fill the air.

Watching the stage, three women appeared dressed in skimpy pop girl outfits. Unfortunately two of these women turned around to reveal that they were, in fact, more TLTE clones. With the desperation not to look at the stage, most of the heroes miss the fact that Red had once again taken on a new role; lead singer.

Bustling through the crowd, the heroes were bombarded by a song about 'Booty Calls' and gyrating TLTE transvestites.

Stalls were set up selling trinkets and fast food. Smells and sights managed to drag their attention away from the horrofic scene upon the stage. Tiger wound up purchasing several hundred hot dogs, per vendor.

"And now!" came the voice of Red as the song finished, instantly drawing everyone's attention. Only then did they remember why they weren't looking at the stage. With shielded eyes, they listened to Red's announcement. "The Lost Beta Presents... The Duels of the Decade!"

"Finally!" cried Soriel. He charged for the stage with everyone else in hot pursuit. "I'm fir-!" Soriel's face twitched as he found a close up of The Last True Trannies.

"I'd hit it." [/size]

Soriel threw up in a corner.

"That was gross. And unexpected. Nervous Soriel?" Rachel asked with a smirk. Soriel, however, was busy disembowling himself through his mouth.

"Who's first?" Adrian stepped forward, looking straight at Red who was suddenly an object of fierce beauty.

"Relapse. And The Last True Texan."

"Yippee kai-yay!" cheered the cowboy, sounding suspiciously Russian for a Texan.

"You forgot to say motherfu-" began Bokken Monkey.

"You're up then, Relapse. Good luck!" Rachel gave the ninja a shove in the back.

Relapse was led onto the stage, which was surprisingly larger than it had appeared from below. The Last True Texan stood opposite. Large screens littered the entire area, offering some of the most dynamic views of the impending match.

"Hey, Relapse looks quite good up there," noted Lucy.

"Don't tell him that. His ego's already big enough," Adrian warned.

Red handed Relapse a deck of cards, "Here you go. Good luck."

"You're joking, right? I thought this was going to be some kind of fight to the death!"

"We wouldn't make much money if people died, would we?"

"What about all those medical teams?"

There was a low vibration. The growl emanated from a large bird-like beast that towered over the now seemingly small Gaming Guardian.

"I didn't say it didn't happen, just that it's not necessary. Use your cards to make creatures appear to fight for you, or special effects to occur. Don't forget to bash your opponant yourself though. Just knock them out if you can," Red instructed.

"I'm sure nothing like this was mentioned on the way up here."

"That's the way the NeS works, I guess."

"C'mon y'all! Ah'll skin y'alive! Yeehaw!" TLTTexan jeered.

TLTTrannies passed between them holding up signs reading 'Match One'. Relapse caught the admiring expression on TLTTexan's face.

"Nasty," Relapse took the first card. He looked down at it.

"Just will it into existance," muttered Red.

"Right," Relapse nodded. The card glowed red before exploding in a flurry of sparkles. As nice a light show as it was, the card did nothing that Relapse could see.

"Oooooo!" gawked the crowd. Above the stage, digital letters appeared in the air that gave a commentary on the cards being used. Relapse tried to read what he'd done.

"That was a particularly useless initial move done by Relapse. He looks lost out there!" came Red's voice as she assumed the role of commentator. Relapse wondered why she didn't just clone herself too.

"HAW HAW HAW!" TLTTexan drew his pistols in a flash, cruel intent in his eyes. They fired. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Relapse winced as he was pelted by staples, "Ow, ow, ow!"

"This match isn't going anywhere fast. What a poor start to the duel," Red's patronising tone rang out.

"Can I tag out?"

---------

Geb the Writer: "Not really the direction I had in mind."

Britt the Writer: "Like Red said, this is the NeS!"

Geb the Writer: "Kinda weak excuse..."

Britt the Writer: "Erm... I'll buy you lunch?"

Geb the Writer: "Hum. Make it a Big Mac and you're on."

Britt the Writer: "Fine, fine. Okay!"

Geb the Writer: "Okay, bring him back in."

Gebohq's pink-shirted guards pull Britt back in from the window.

As Relapse "battles" The Last True Evil the Texan, the rest of the main characters watch from the stands.

Soriel: Ha. And here I thought these "Lost Beta" were going to be a challenge.

Rachel: Don't be fooled, Soriel. You know how tricky seemingly incompetent types can be.

Just then, Relapse is hit! ...by water from his opponent's water-pistols. The Last True Evil the Texan holsters his weapons in frustration.

Rachel: Then again, sometimes it's just sheer stupidity.

Bokken: I can only dream that I'll have it this easy when I'm up.

Adrian: I can only dream that everything stays this sane.

Tiger: I can only dream that there really IS free unlimited refills with this nachos.

Lucy, unlike the others, watches not the fight on The Stage, but at Theo, once wildly drunk on top of the 7-Eleven and now sitting within sight and with a drink covered in a paper bag in his hand. She watches him, not noticing when Relapse plays a card that shows a giant bomb exploding on the display screen, and a thousand points drop from both him and his opponent.

TLTE the Texan: Gaw-dammit! I'm gonna paint yew red, boy!

Relapse waves his deck of cards at him.

Relapse: You might have better luck drawing these!

Relapse is drenched in red as The Last True Evil the Texan fires his paint guns.

Red: Looks like the Texan is true to his word, folks!

Shaking excess red paint off himself, causing some Rorschach-esque splatter patterns to form around him (ooo, a ducky), Relapse wipes off his eyes and removes his face mask.

Relapse: "You know, this is both rather one sided and moderately silly."

Red: "Yes."

Relapse: "On purpose?"

Red: "Yes."

Relapse: *sigh*

Having had slightly more luck thanks to the paint, TLTE the Texan once again redraws his hand-cannon and fires - covering the ninja with streamers and smoke from the world's largest pop-cap-streamer. The ninja coughs and narrows his eyes slightly.

Tiger: "...that reminds me. I need more chili for these nachos" *walks off*

Guffaws. That's what emits from TLTE the Texan, who really is having the time of his life. Looks like Cowboy really _does_ beat ninja. Drawing one gun he spins it around his finger, throws it to his other finger, throws it and nearly drops it -- a complex juggling act follows before he finally catches it, composes himself and glances skyward. Relapse's numbers currently read 00001.

Texan: "Bye bye, boyo-"

The trigger is pulled at the same instance Relapse's next card embeds itself in the end of the Texan's gun. One comedically-appropriate face fault later and the Texan's side vanishes in an explosion of tie-dye paisley. Once the dust clears the Texan is now altered into a rock-a-billy hippie robot Amazonian catgirl sludge-elemental. It isn't pretty, and thankfully isn't around very long as it melts into the floor and scoops itself into a convenient bucket. An angry bucket. Relapse's numbers remain at 1, the Texan's banner just reads "unfortunate".

Adrian: "huh."

Soriel: "Predictable."

Bokken: *looks at Soriel with an eyebrow raised*

Soriel: "What? Could tell that coming a mile away. Who's next?"

Relapse, clean and standing behind Soriel: "According to the playlist, that's Bokken."

Bokken: "Crap."

In the centre of the auditorium, the stage sinks into the floor and is replaced by another stage. On it already is The Last True Evil the One-man-band.

Bokken: "Double crap."

Rachel: *snrk*

*Meanwhile in the past...*

Cris B: I wonder what kind of island this is!

Captain 4.5: Yarr, hand me that magical item.

Cris B: Maybe some kind of Monkey Island?

Semsquatch: Rurr?

*Sem eyes the magical conch shell and scratches his head.*

Cris B: Or perhaps a Fantasy Island?

Captain 4.5: Give it here!

*Sem vigorously shakes his head and holds the shell tight to his chest.*

Semsquatch: Ruarr!

Cris B: Or maybe it's just...THE ISLAND.

Captain 4.5: I'm ordering you to give me the shell!

Semsquatch: Rurf!

*Sem raises an arm and lightly bats Captain 4.5. Of course, with his improbable Yeti strength even a dainty swat is deadly and this one is no exception, launching the errant pirate captain across the sand and into the side of his beached vessel.*

Captain 4.5: So, it's to be mutiny once more is it? Very well then: Men, attack!

*Captain 4.5 raises his cutlass above his head and his pirate crew springs forth, brandishing all manner of sabres, muskets, cannons and parrots.*

Antestarr: Wait, I thought we were his pirate crew.

MZZT: I guess not.

Cris B: Well, you never quite know what to expect on the Renaissance High Seas!

Antestarr: Renaissance? I thought this was The Golden Age of Piracy.

Cris B: Meh.

Captain 4.5: Fire!

*Deliberations are cut short as Captain 4.5's men send a cannonball whizzing over the heroes' heads.*

Semsquatch: Rurr urr!

*Terrified, Sem blows a booming note on his magical conch shell. The skies darken and a deep rumbling is is heard from the island's central mountain.*

*Meanwhile, in the future our intrepid heroes size up their new old pirate companions.*

Maybechild: You look like some guys I used to know...

Dead-Eye Pete: Indeed, 'tis a whale of a tale lassie. Allow me to explain in song...

*Dead-Eye Pete pulls out a mandolin and begins to strum.*

Dead-Eye Pete: 'Twas but a stormy day out on the high seas -

Otter: Yeah that's great. Look, we actually have an important mission to accomplish.

Maybechild: No time for a hoedown.

*Crestfallen, Pete puts away his instrument.*

Hopper Johnson: Don't worry. When this be over we'll have a grand sing-along.

*The heroes and pirates size up the doorway to the Central Processing Plant.*

Standing in front of Sir Stafford's S--Central Station of...Some Stuff (Mr. Stafford having been recently knighted for his services of both quelling the zombie apocalypse and increasing necessary production of medals to be given to those who are knighted)...

Otter: Bloody hell! We go open the door and then this! What in blazes is a loading bar doing here?

Maybe: I'm not sure I'd mind so much if it was at least accurate...

Dead-Eye Pete: I don't understand. What cargo be movin' here?

As the island mountain rumbles back in the Renaissance Age of Pirates, the Mega_ZZTer wanders around with a high-tech Gold-Finder-ometer in his hands.

Ford: Uh, MZZT? Not to question your dedication, but I'm not sure this is the ideal time to be going about like that.

MZZT: Are you kidding? This is the perfect time! The point right before the epic climactic conflict is exactly when you're supposed to do all the side quests, leveling, and looting! It's pointless to do all that after the end, and it's not like there's a floating clock telling me I'm on a timetable here!

Ford rolls his eyes.

Cris B.: What's this about "the end" now?

Within the heart of the Story Arcade system, Relapse and Bokken Monkey switch places as the next battle on The Stage is being prepped...

Soriel: So tell me -- Relapse, right? -- why didn't you just use your ninjitsu on that last-true-evil-texan from the start?

Relapse: Well, the thought certainly crossed my mind when several things occurred to me--

Rachel: Hold on to that thought, the fight is about to start.

Relapse: What do you mean? It'll be a few minutes yet, and I can explain what went through my mind quick enough.

Rachel: Uh--I was just trying to be polite. Now sit down and shush.

Relapse: Polite?

Rachel: Ugh, now you've done it! Can't you see the last two posts were all short and witty? We were trying to punch things up a bit on this thread and you had to go mess it up!

Relapse: But... what's that got to do with... and if you really think about it...

Adrian: Don't bother, sir. Trust me, I've tried before.

Relapse stands a moment longer, then resigns himself to a seat next to Tiger.

Tiger: *om nom nom no--* Hey...where did my nachos go?

Relapse:

"Life is a joke, and we're the punchline. It's all not very funny so much as funny, though." That's what I heard, and perhaps you'll buy it too, but I don't think it's your oor mine. Pass it along all the same, if you will, and I'll be off again on my way.

Who said that? Was that for me? I'm so confused, and I don't think I'm the only one.

B.U.M.P.!

Thanks. I needed that.

Meanwhile (NeS^2 count: 2 * pi * R), in a familiar remote tropical island...

Cool Matty: You know, hun, there is a benefit to having a mansion on a beautiful island like this...

Mimiru: You mean besides giving you a tan you sorely needed?

CM: Ouch. No. It's a great place for a honeymoon!

Mimiru: And you're only now saying that? We've been here for... what? Months?

CM: It was a fantastic few months though!

Mimiru: We really should catch back up with the gang though. We sort of left in the middle of a big development.

CM: Something tells me they're just fine...

Elsewhere, in London...

Subaru: Wai! What on Earth are you doing here?

Wai: Oh, you know, the usual...

Subaru: Wandering, right, I know. That's so bloody suspicious, why can't you ever have a proper answer? Like "I'm finding a job"! Or, "I'm running for Mayor"!

Wai: Because that'd be a lie. I'm not capable of lying!

Subaru: ... Yes you are.

Wai: Damn it.

Subaru: So really, what have you been doing lately?

Wai: I've been doing some productive work on a dimensional portal. Trying to find my home again, to rediscover my purpose.

Subaru: That's a noble venture! I'm glad to hear you're really working for yourself now! No evil overlord pushing you along this time, right?

Wai: Hah, no, 'fraid not.

The two looked at eachother closely for a moment, unsure as to how to continue.

Wai: Subaru, I...

Subaru: Yes?

Wai: I want to ask you a favor.

Subaru: Sure, what is it?

Wai: The portal, I've finally finished it. But, if it works like it should, I don't want to go it alone. In case... something happens to me, as it obviously did once before.

Subaru: To protect you?

Wai: Not physically, but mentally. I lost a great deal of memories when I was placed here. I don't want to lose that again.

Subaru: Well, how can I help?

Wai: You've been in training for quite some time, honing your newfound abilities, yes?

Subaru: I have.

Wai: I believe you might be able to shield me from whatever I was once exposed to. Your ability to harness your body's energy as a force is incredibly useful. I think, in combination with CM, I could mitigate any risk in entering the portal.

Subaru: You really think it's that dangerous?

Wai: I do, and I know I shouldn't ask this of you. With CM and Mimiru still on their honeymoon, I came to you first.

Subaru: On the contrary, I'm touched that you did. It means a lot to me that you would trust me with something that important... your essence.

Wai nodded, looking visibly distraught, a sight which was rather uncommon for the carefree robot.

Subaru: Well, I don't mind. I'll help you in any way I can. What of CM though? What part does he play in this?

Wai: If necessary, I might need him to teleport myself, and whoever comes along out of that dimension. A backup plan, so to speak. I'm not sure how CM's teleportation ability has advanced, if he could make such a teleport possible, but I think it best to cover all the bases.

Subaru: Well, you know, if you take CM, Mimiru will be coming too. She won't leave him behind, especially not for something as adventerous and dangerous as this.

Wai: I guess not. Well, I can only hope that their honeymoon ends soon, so that I can finally find out if this will work.

Subaru: Well, I didn't get to mention earlier, but I just received a call from Mimiru before you arrived. They're ready to face the real world again. Perhaps we should visit?

Wai: Sounds like fun. I assume you have transportation, the waimobile is a one-car transport.

Subaru: Waimobile?

Wai: A joke... nevermind.

Subaru: Right. So, do you want to come with me, or do you plan on "Wandering" ahead?

Wai: I'm not in that much of a hurry. I'll come with you.

Subaru: Alright! Let's head over to Mimiru's old hideout here in England. I'm sure she'll still have some vehicles put away there that we can make use of.

And so Subaru and Wai went on their way, for a trip to see Cool Matty and Mimiru. Will CM and Mimiru join Wai and Subaru on their adventure to the other dimension? What lies beyond the portal? Will Wai and the others be safe? Stay tooned!

Losien, former schoolteacher, NeSHeroine, and lover of the Soviet superspy, codename: The Last True Evil, is walking down a highway, in open defiance of poorly-choosen footwear and a scorching sun.

Losien: I knew heels would be a bad idea...

Her teaching career a thing of the past, Losien's apartment lease is also kaputski. Penniless and destitute, she negotiates the treacherous footing of the highway with surprising ease, looking prim, reserved and female-lead-sexy at the same time.

Losien: God, I'd give anything for a drink. And not even a stiff one. Like, a glass of water.

The scorching sun is indifferent.

Losien: Hmph. I may as well ask for an ice-cold lemonade, while I'm at it.

She nearly walks into the lemonade stand before she notices it. The proprietor is instantly familiar to her as well, even though he has grown beyond measure since their last meeting; the shock of handsome blonde hair, the smile resplendent in its innocence.

Amal: Lemonade, Miss Losien?

Losien: Amal! It's so good to see you!

She hugs him close, then drinks from the waiting pitcher ravenously, foregoing any thought of drinking vessels.

Amal: Wow, you really were thirsty...

Losien: It's been a long highway, my dear. What are you DOING out here anyway?

Amal: My business partner suggested it.

Losien: You can't have enjoyed much business out here.

Amal: Well, I guess you could say we were waiting for the right customer...

Losien: Uh-huh.

She begins fiddling with the buttons on her purse.

Losien: How much do I owe you? A couple of dollars?

Amal: Oh, no, Miss Losien. No charge. All I ask is that you talk to my business partner.

Losien: About...what, exactly?

Amal: About joining our lemonade stand!

Losien: Well...I guess...

The Last True Evil jumps out from under the table, smiling ingratiatingly.

TLTE: What do you say, my darling? You and me, together again, doing good things that aren't evil!

Instantly, Losien starts walking again. TLTE runs after her, leaving Amal staring at them both, all Bambi eyes.

Amal: Didn't she like the lemonade?