*MaybeChild and Tony stumbled about the pitch black cavern dragging TheOtter, who was beginning to go through serious alcohol withdrawal, behind them. As much as they adjusted to the darkness, all that any of them could make out were each others eyes, scooby-doo fashion.*
MaybeChild: So, who's brilliant idea was it to not bring a flashlight on this excursion?
Tony: Don't look at me. I'm new here. How was I supposed to know this cave didn't have electricity?
TheOtter: Dayzeee... dailzee... gim me yourl answerr tru...
Maybe: I knew I should have brought some rope...
Tony (in an irish accent): You and your frikkin' rope!
Voice: Oof!
*While walking along, having this wonderfully civil chat with his companions, Tony bumped into somebody standing around in the darkness. Another pair of eyes joined the rest.*
Tony: Who's there?
Voice: I'll have you know I didn't spend 4 years in serving finishing school to be questioned in that tone of voice!
Maybe: Haggis, is that you?!
CookedHaggis: Yes, it is I, snoot officionado and waiter extrordinaire, CookedHaggis.
Otter: Blu got N-eeee buuz?
Haggis: I see the degenerate is up to his old tricks.
Maybe: Actually, he's going through withdrawal. Apparently, his spirits were taken from him upon entering this dream-place-thing.
Haggis: A dream, huh. That explains why I'm no longer with the Viking. And in my underwear.
Maybe: You too? I mean, I'm in a swimsuit, but it's demeaning anyway.
Haggis: Actually, no. I was joking. But my serving tray is missing...
AnotherVoice: Hail, my fine feathered friends!
Otter: I ain' no birday... shluu are yu?
Voice: Now now, I was just using a figure of speech.
Otter: Spleech, spreech... you got buuz?
Voice: No, but I know where you can find some.
Maybe: Uhh... why can't we see your eyes?
Voice: Oh, I'm just wearing a mask.
Maybe: It's pitch black here, who are you hiding from?
Voice: That's irrelevant. Just trust me when I say I'm not here to hinder you... (under his breath) much.
*At that, a soft glow filled the room. The figure of Zania stood before the heroes, holding a small kerosene lamp.*
Otter (gazing upon Zania's mask): Ith Hishturies Greeatesht Monthuur!
Zania: Yeah, I seem to get that a lot.
Tony: That aside, you require something from us in order to gain your help? Seems like a typical attitude... for a self-serving villain!
Haggis: Who's the new blood?
Maybe: Some fool who lost his saucepan and is apparently trying to be a cliche hero for a moment. He's got a lot to learn.
Haggis: Indeed.
Zania: Now then, in exchange for my help, all that I require is a lock of MaybeChild's hair, half of CookedHaggis' moustache, and TheOtter's liver.
Tony: See! He's going to kill TheOtter!
Maybe: And that would be so bad?
Zania: No, no... I'll give him a new, better liver. One made of steel that can process alcohol into his bloodstream faster, rendering him drunker, yet alleviate the hangover afterward! As for the hair and moustache, I have this lantern and information in trade...
Haggis: Information, you say...? Well, I have no objections.
Tony: I do! He's obviously a... uh.. er.. I don't like it! I mean, he doesn't even want anything from me!
Maybe: Oh, shut up. If it helps us get out of this dank cave, I'm all for it.
Zania: It's agreed then.
*Zania procures a scalpel, razor, and frying pan from his pouch pocket in the front of his sweatshirt.*
Censor: The following scene is far to graphic for children, old people, and frogs. Instead, here is some soothing music and images of kittens playing on the beach.
*Kittens play on the beach to the soothing sounds of Kenny G. In the background, screams of pain from TheOtter echo. 2 trims and a successful liver transplant later...*
Zania: There now, these will do nicely. Here is your lantern and your information: Follow this tunnel. At the forks, take a right, a left, and two more rights respectively. Then, at the dead end, spin around while singing the hokey-pokey. That should cause you to pass out momentarily. When you wake up, you'll be in Germany, just in time for Oktoberfest. I'm pretty sure you can find some booze there, as well as a serving tray, a saucepan, and possibly one of those cute traditional German dresses. Oh, and perhaps your original items will be there, too.
Tony: I'm still not sure why you didn't take anything from me.
Zania: That's twofold. For one, I didn't have anything else worth giving, unless you wanted a nice fresh kidney... And secondly, you're not really an established character. You should find your place first. Then maybe I'll take something precious to you.
Maybe: So, who are you under that mask...?
Zania (looking around to make sure nobody else is listening): You really wanna know...? I'm... COBRA COMMANDER!
Haggis: Uh... right. Got any proof?
Zania: DESTROY THE JOES!
Haggis: Works for me. Let's be off then.
*And thusly, another bizarre chapter of Zania's harvesting concludes. Fortunately, this one wasn't quite so heavy-hearted. This narrator was starting to worry that we'd lost our sense of funny. Tune in next time for Dr. NeSlove or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Random Boondock Saints Reference!*
MaybeChild: So, who's brilliant idea was it to not bring a flashlight on this excursion?
Tony: Don't look at me. I'm new here. How was I supposed to know this cave didn't have electricity?
TheOtter: Dayzeee... dailzee... gim me yourl answerr tru...
Maybe: I knew I should have brought some rope...
Tony (in an irish accent): You and your frikkin' rope!
Voice: Oof!
*While walking along, having this wonderfully civil chat with his companions, Tony bumped into somebody standing around in the darkness. Another pair of eyes joined the rest.*
Tony: Who's there?
Voice: I'll have you know I didn't spend 4 years in serving finishing school to be questioned in that tone of voice!
Maybe: Haggis, is that you?!
CookedHaggis: Yes, it is I, snoot officionado and waiter extrordinaire, CookedHaggis.
Otter: Blu got N-eeee buuz?
Haggis: I see the degenerate is up to his old tricks.
Maybe: Actually, he's going through withdrawal. Apparently, his spirits were taken from him upon entering this dream-place-thing.
Haggis: A dream, huh. That explains why I'm no longer with the Viking. And in my underwear.
Maybe: You too? I mean, I'm in a swimsuit, but it's demeaning anyway.
Haggis: Actually, no. I was joking. But my serving tray is missing...
AnotherVoice: Hail, my fine feathered friends!
Otter: I ain' no birday... shluu are yu?
Voice: Now now, I was just using a figure of speech.
Otter: Spleech, spreech... you got buuz?
Voice: No, but I know where you can find some.
Maybe: Uhh... why can't we see your eyes?
Voice: Oh, I'm just wearing a mask.
Maybe: It's pitch black here, who are you hiding from?
Voice: That's irrelevant. Just trust me when I say I'm not here to hinder you... (under his breath) much.
*At that, a soft glow filled the room. The figure of Zania stood before the heroes, holding a small kerosene lamp.*
Otter (gazing upon Zania's mask): Ith Hishturies Greeatesht Monthuur!
Zania: Yeah, I seem to get that a lot.
Tony: That aside, you require something from us in order to gain your help? Seems like a typical attitude... for a self-serving villain!
Haggis: Who's the new blood?
Maybe: Some fool who lost his saucepan and is apparently trying to be a cliche hero for a moment. He's got a lot to learn.
Haggis: Indeed.
Zania: Now then, in exchange for my help, all that I require is a lock of MaybeChild's hair, half of CookedHaggis' moustache, and TheOtter's liver.
Tony: See! He's going to kill TheOtter!
Maybe: And that would be so bad?
Zania: No, no... I'll give him a new, better liver. One made of steel that can process alcohol into his bloodstream faster, rendering him drunker, yet alleviate the hangover afterward! As for the hair and moustache, I have this lantern and information in trade...
Haggis: Information, you say...? Well, I have no objections.
Tony: I do! He's obviously a... uh.. er.. I don't like it! I mean, he doesn't even want anything from me!
Maybe: Oh, shut up. If it helps us get out of this dank cave, I'm all for it.
Zania: It's agreed then.
*Zania procures a scalpel, razor, and frying pan from his pouch pocket in the front of his sweatshirt.*
Censor: The following scene is far to graphic for children, old people, and frogs. Instead, here is some soothing music and images of kittens playing on the beach.
*Kittens play on the beach to the soothing sounds of Kenny G. In the background, screams of pain from TheOtter echo. 2 trims and a successful liver transplant later...*
Zania: There now, these will do nicely. Here is your lantern and your information: Follow this tunnel. At the forks, take a right, a left, and two more rights respectively. Then, at the dead end, spin around while singing the hokey-pokey. That should cause you to pass out momentarily. When you wake up, you'll be in Germany, just in time for Oktoberfest. I'm pretty sure you can find some booze there, as well as a serving tray, a saucepan, and possibly one of those cute traditional German dresses. Oh, and perhaps your original items will be there, too.
Tony: I'm still not sure why you didn't take anything from me.
Zania: That's twofold. For one, I didn't have anything else worth giving, unless you wanted a nice fresh kidney... And secondly, you're not really an established character. You should find your place first. Then maybe I'll take something precious to you.
Maybe: So, who are you under that mask...?
Zania (looking around to make sure nobody else is listening): You really wanna know...? I'm... COBRA COMMANDER!
Haggis: Uh... right. Got any proof?
Zania: DESTROY THE JOES!
Haggis: Works for me. Let's be off then.
*And thusly, another bizarre chapter of Zania's harvesting concludes. Fortunately, this one wasn't quite so heavy-hearted. This narrator was starting to worry that we'd lost our sense of funny. Tune in next time for Dr. NeSlove or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Random Boondock Saints Reference!*