Losien
Losien is the Main Character of the NeS and a young woman with a strong heart. She is still trying to get over her feelings of being "unworthy" but so far she has been doing a great job - relying on her friends to help her through. However new responsibilities as a 'father' have sometimes forced her to act alone. Her daughter, once named Apple, was genetically the child of Losien and Apple herself (being her own mother). After a mishap travelling through a time warp, and Soriel's action in unlocking Potentials, caused Apple to achieve her Potential and become Chronos. Now Losien is feeling guilty over losing Apple and gaining Chronos. TLTE, Losien's long-time lover, has been frozen in carbonite by Polly Simon, Losien's mother, who is keeping him hidden away. Yet, Baba Yaga revealed to Polly that TLTE does not truly love Losien. Losien is also under pressure from her mother to quit being a NeS Hero and take on the mantel of Queen of Jupiter. Losien was given Fred, Teh Uber Blade and Carlotta the Cape by Soriel, one of the last native survivors of Jupiter. Her Potential is Gwenhwyfar.

Al Ciao
Al Ciao, who was once known as Highemperor, is the likeable, and somewhat silly, character of the team. Once the greatest powerplayer, his only power now is to change his hair at a whim from its style and colour. However a recent mishap that resulted in his death caused his body to decompose while he was absent from it. Mecha Lou, a witch, was able to reattach his soul and replaced many of his parts with mechanical parts - giving Al a vast array of robot powers. He is married to Lady LightSide, who was once DarkSide, and she is pregnant with their child. As long as she remains pregnant, she cannot change back into DarkSide and remains at his side. However he is also expecting another child with a woman called Mia, who was responsible for killing him to begin with. He also has another alien-child somewhere that he is unaware of. Finally there is also his daughter, Iriana Emp, who was recently emancipated from him and has found herself joined with the NeS Heroes. They are finally willing to try to work out their differences and plan to travel to Armenia together, where Iriana is said to be Queen. His Potential was killed by Antestarr, many Story Arcs ago.

Evil G
Evil G, formerly known as Gebiyl, is Gebohq Simon from an alternate universe. He was once, like Highemperor, a major Powerplayer in the world of NeShattered. However a series of events led to him falling in love with Young, the "Child of the NeS" whom he married in an evil wedding. More recently he has escaped the grasp of the Ever-ending Plot that is consuming worlds beyond this one and returned to Young to be a father to their new child, Chance. Generally Evil G is the anti-hero of the team and usually berates everyone else around him, particularly with his sarcasm and insults. He's arguably got more sense than most of the other NeS Heroes. His Potential was killed many Story Arcs ago.

Maeve Maeve is a British woman with a drinking problem. She has long been in the NeS and has long been drunk. After a failed marriage and several failed relationships, Maeve realised that she was most definitely homosexual and relinquished all ties to her former heterosexual engagements. When she isn't drinking, or trying to get into the women's pants, Maeve is an old friend to Losien and a sobering, pessimistic tone on the group. However she is probably the most rational mind in all of Team Losien - so long as she's not too drunk. Her Potential is Venedite.

The Otter
The Otter is a British born, half-posh, half-punk drunkard that swings between mildly drunk to completely drunk in the matter of a single post. He has potential deep down but it is rarely able to surface due to his addiction. He also cannot keep his womanising to himself, but his lecherous nature simply pushes the majority of women away. He had a relationship with MaybeChild , a former NeS Hero, which many believe brought out the best in him - but that relationship seems to have ended and Otter is generally unwilling to discuss the topic. Yet he is fairly knowledgeable about most things NeS, having been here for so long and having a higher IQ than Gebohq Simon (though that isn't saying much). He is fairly upset by his Potential, seeing a grim reflection of himself. His Potential is The Nega.

Lady LightSide
Lady LightSide was once DarkSide, a malevolent force of the NeS bent on consuming souls. DarkSide joined another evil force to create KnowSoul, only to be separated soon after from KnowSoul and set to work on the Heroes of the NeS. During a fluke of story convention, DarkSide suddenly became LightSide when Losien, and the other heroes, were turned increasingly evil. As part of a ruse, LightSide married Al Ciao when she wound up pregnant with his child, causing the moral-and-gender change to remain permanent, though that may change once she gives birth to Al's child. Still pregnant with Al Ciao's baby, she refuses to be left at the Haunted House of Heroes. Yet she does seem concerned over the issue of becoming DarkSide once again and it is likely, she does not wish for it.

Tracer
Tracer is a character brimming with "obvious mystery" as he wanders around in his own personal detective story. Often speaking like a narrative, sometimes badly, he probably dresses like Dick Tracey. He is death defying, having escaped death throughout his time with the NeS Heroes and has a habit of showing up at unexpected moments. He rejoined the NeS Heroes during the Battle Over London. He recently displayed his profound ability to use disguises to his advantage, like any true detective. He has a 'Batman-like' quality, so that he will keep to the shadows and reveal himself at the last minute to offer assistance in unexpected places. His Potential is The Orator.

Frank Smith
Frank Smith, Time Cop, has recently arrived from 1000 years into the future on a mission to arrest a time warp individual. He works for TEA, Time Enforcement Agency, which is run by "Mysterious Person". Once he found the person he was looking for she turned out to be Apple, the daughter of herself and Losien Simon. He arrested her and took her to the future, but this caused a big problem in the far-distant future which meant Time Cops from then, came back to arrest HIM. He and Apple escaped, but Apple would go through a time hole and disappear - becoming Chronos (her own Potential). Frank feels guilty and responsible and is trying to figure out where he stands with the TEA. Frank is a homosexual, middle aged man going through something of a mid-life crisis and Mysterious Person judges this case to be Frank's test of competence. Frank has a watch upon his wrist that contains Cynthai (CynthA.I. Mk XIV), an A.I. with a holographic projection able to help him in his mission. Frank's Potential is Prophet.

Polly Simon
Sometimes known as "Geb's Mom" or "Los' Mom", Polly Simon is currently with the NeS Heroes because she wants her daughter, Losien, to rise up and become the Queen of Jupiter. This would, however, mean she'd be frozen in carbonite for 500 years. Polly used a wish from Baba Yaga to grant her eternal youth and now appears the same age as her own daughter. When Losien refused, Polly tried to force Apple to take the throne instead, Losien's daughter, however Apple has since become Chronos and beyond such things - leaving Polly with only Losien as an option again. Polly has frozen TLTE, Losien's lover, in carbonite and carries him with her in a walking cauldron. She intends to be granted another wish - a wish that Losien would stop loving TLTE. Baba Yaga revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes he loves Losien, it is not true love. Polly does not seem to have a Potential, possibly due to her use of Baba Yaga's wish.

Amal
Amal, once a young boy under the care of Arkng Thand, grew up under the adopted care of The Last True Evil. Since then, there has been a struggle between the two for guardianship over the boy - neither realising that Amal was becoming more of a man. His character has swung from dark to light but has not developed much depth - something Thand blames on the shadows of TLTE. During Memory Lane, however, problems occurred when Losien, under the influence of darkness, and Amal - having forgotten TLTE existed due to the powers of Michael MacFarlane - developed a closeness that is now, upon the return of TLTE, uncomfortable. Amal has the potential to become the Main Character of the NeS. Now that he has been separated from the over-protective TLTE, Amal has been guided by Soriel's wise advise. Amal's Potential is Quo Anima.

Rachel Pi
Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the spirit of April Fools Day. Her love was cast aside, however, when Gebohq felt that he put her in danger as the Main Character. However he has since relinquished that role to his sister and, after a romantic getaway in the floating palace belonging to Rachel's father, Emperor Pi, they are back together. Only to experience a new trial - Rachel is pregnant. She is strong, bold, and fearless with an unusual comedic streak. Her father, Emperor Pi, wishes for her to return home and give up her life made possible by Thand, making her life essentially meaningless. However, Emperor Pi wants her to follow her own desires. Rachel, as April Fools Incarnate, is debatably a Potential herself.

Gebohq
Gebohq, once the Main Character of the NeS, relinquished that role not long ago to his sister, Losien. Since then, he met Couchman and Princess Iriana Emp during the Battle Over London, resigned his job as a professional hero to become an associate professor of law, and conscripted as vassal to Iriana in virtually one day. Given opportunities he didn't have before, he then set out to rekindle his love with Rachel Pi, whom never truly stopped loving her but has, up to this point at least, believed that his involvement with her puts her and the the whole of NeS at risk as well as who he really is. Rekindle they did, however they now face a new trial as Rachel appears to be pregnant. Gebohq is often the comedy relief of a group, and though he is cowardly in many ways, he has a deep heroic streak of "doing what's right" when he's truly needed. It should be noted that his Potential is dead.

Subaru Yamamoto
Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she felt, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Yet she accepted him still until he eventually turned her away and left the NeS Heroes to start turning people into NeSferatu and forming an army - along with Nyneve, the woman that turned him. Subaru is feeling emotionally fragile and hurt. She knows that Antestarr wants to turn Subaru into a NeSferatu, but she does not want to become like him. Her Potential is Orochi.

Couchman
Couchman is a "Da Vinci" of the age, being a middleman in every available skill. A polymath of the NeS. He has an obsession with couches and was working as a lawyer until recently when he fell in love with Iriana Emp. During the Battle Over London he chased her down to confess his love for her and refused to allow Emperor Pi to steal her affections. In the end Couchman won this small victory and sought to cement his love for Iriana on a romantic getaway. However with the return of Al Ciao, Couchman's relationship with Iriana Emp may be in peril as she tries to decide who she is and what she wants. Couchman's Potential is Midas.

Iriana Emp
Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. Never having visited Armenia, however, Princess Iriana seeks a marriage match and considered marrying Emperor Pi for his rank as Emperor of China. Refusing to become one of his many concubines, she instead turns her attention to courting Couchman for his skills and affections. She has recently become reacquainted with her father, Al Ciao, and they have many issues that they need to work out. His arrival has caused Iriana to doubt herself and long to understand who she truly is, which puts her relationship with Couchman at risk. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea. Her Potential is Nyktelios.

Jim Seven
Jim Seven (written often as Jim7) was once the ruler of Hell, however he was voted in as the new ruler of Heaven. As God he joined the Battle Over London when Serapharch, a powerful angel, tried to destroy a fallen angel named Seraphim - a member of Hero Force One. Since then Jim has mostly been establishing a new heavenly domain on Earth which was, disappointingly, established in Burundi. Team Losien have now stumbled into his domain. He did declare a Crusade against Justin Beiber and had him sent to Hell. Jim also still wants Losien and Frank to return to Burundi to help him build the greatest go-kart track in history.
Antestarr
Antestarr, long since a "tech guy" for the heroes of the NeS, overused one of his inventions not long ago, which led to his body's decay. On the brink of death, an old flame unexpectedly arrived and saved his life by turning him into, like her, a NeSferatu (a kind of vampire who prefer the blood of major characters making hard choices). While he now shares an unusual connection to Nyneve and a bond that can never be broken, he doesn't love her. Antestarr has a solid, clear mind that is constantly at work to solve the problems before him. However he recently has developed a need for the "blood-ink" of characters, as well as melodrama and self-pity, due to his NeSferatu nature. He left the NeS Heroes to start a 'NeSferatu army', which he controls alongside Nyneve. He left, with the heroes, his lover Subaru Yamamoto who he still longs for and hopes to turn into a NeSferatu - even though she doesn't wish it. He is on the search for Young's son, Chance.
TLTE
The Last True Evil, or TLTE, was once the greatest villain to the NeS, but the ex-Soviet super-spy turned over a new leaf when he fell in love with Losien Simon. While the true evil within TLTE remains a constant struggle, he uses his love and respect for various characters, particularly Losien and his adopted charge Amal, to keep himself in check. He is currently challenged in his relationship with Losien since she became the main character for the NeS and experienced a 'dark side' during the previous story arc where she cheated on him. Though Losien seemed to not be herself at the time, TLTE's emotions on the subject have yet to be settled through conversation as Losien avoids the issue. Arkng Thand is convinced that TLTE will once again embrace his evil ways and become the greatest threat to the NeS' continued existence. He was, however, frozen in carbonite by Polly Simon - she keeps him in a walking cauldron. Baba Yaga also revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes that he loves Losien - he does not truly. Polly intends to be granted a wish so that Losien will stop loving TLTE. It should be noted that his Potential is dead.
Young & Chance
Young is the daughter of the NeS and the love of Evil G. They were married in an evil wedding and now have a son together named Chance. Young raises Chance back at the Haunted House of Heroes - where Chance has demonstrated some unusual qualities from time to time, mostly scaring ghosts and ghouls of the HHH. Currently, Young is the prisoner of Nyneve, and Chance is held captive by Morthrandur.

Nyneve
Nyneve was the last of the NeSferatu until recently when she turned her old lover, Antestarr, into a NeSferatu too. NeSferatu long for the blood-ink of the Main Characters' line - which is especially strong in the Simon family. Her primary target is Gebohq and is currently hatching a plan against him.

Twin Suns & The Forgotten Army
Twin Suns, sometimes known as The Chosen One, is the leader of the Forgotten Army. The Army includes all of the forgotten characters of the NeS, including some high profile cases such as MaybeChild. They are constantly looking for new recruits and are considered a threat to the NeS by some, while others believe that they are heroes.

Arkng Thand
Once he was the guardian over both Amal and Apple, Thand has since lost both of them to the NeS Heroes. He is a former NeScholar and one of their greatest. He is mostly aloof, appearing only when he wishes and his motives are a complete mystery, even to his adoptive "children" who often follow his commands without query. Thand seems to have the NeS interests at heart but his actions are highly questionable and his schemes seem to stretch on and on. Many do not know if they should trust him or consider him to be their enemy. Thand has a particular rivalry with TLTE. Recently he has been revealed to be the President of the United States of America, running the government for some unknown agenda. He has a man named "Spin Doctor" working for him, who covers up unusual stories - including the death of Sarah Palin. He has also hatched a plot with Thrawn42689 as his instrument, where Thrawn is watching everything in the NeS by 'infecting' NPCs.
Thrawn42689
Thrawn is an android created by Doctor Dormouse alongside Ahnuld. More recently Thrawn has allied himself with Arkng Thand and plots to 'infect' various NPCs (Non-Player Characters) and RAMs (Random Audience Members) - indicated by various formations of his overly long serial number. He seems particularly keen to keep tabs on both Hero Teams.

Emperor Pi
The secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much. He cares a great deal for his daughter and his recent involvement in the NeS has largely been focused on trying to keep her safe and support her through her romantic troubles with her lover, Gebohq. He long ago achieved his Potential, as the Jade Emperor of China. Chronos
Apple, true name Rosebud Simon, was an assassin raised and trained by Arkng Thand. Master Thand used Apple to acquire many artifacts and eliminate problems facing the NeS. She has been a tool to organise and protect the NeS from the shadows without her, or anyone else, realising it bar Thand himself. She is fairly aggressive and seemed to enjoy her job, however recent events caused her to join the NeS Heroes and restrain her killer instinct. A lengthy plot by High Angel to seek vengeance against his rival Highemperor (now Al Ciao) caused her to become pregnant, and in order to thwart that plot, an unorthodox plan was placed from Evil G resulting in Apple being her own mother and Losien to be her father. However she went with her mother to try and save Africa from being destroyed by a temporal bomb, but it resulted in her being thrown through time. This, mixed by Soriel's unlocking of character Potentials, caused her to achieve her Potential and become Chronos - master of time. She started the TEA, Time Enforcement Agency, in Victorian London and has since been known as "Mysterious Person" - leader of the TEA. Prophet
Potential of Frank Smith.

The Nega
Potential of The Otter.

Venedite
Potential of Maeve and new Hand of the NeS, alongside Bhac. She has the power to control dreams with dream powder (and flight). Her name is a mesh of 'Aphrodite and Venus'.

Gwenhwyfar
Potential of Losien Simon. Her name is Welsh for Guinevere.

Orochi
Subaru Yamamoto's Potential. Orochi is Japanese for demon.

The Orator
Able to replace The Narrator, The Orator is Tracer's Potential.

Midas
Named after Midas who turns everything to gold, our Midas turns everything into couches. He is the Potential of Couchman.

Quo Anima
The Potential for Amal. He is an empty vessel.

Nyktelios
Nyktelios is the Potential of Iriana Emp. She is a Powerplayer. Her name means 'Nocturnal'.

Britt the Legend

Long ago in NeS History the boy Britt was born fatherless and was thus known as Britt the Basturd... however my editor now informs me that such detail is irrelevant. My editor happens to be Britt by the way.--

And so Britt the Bas-- I mean, Britt the Boy was one of the lowest dregs of society, living on the streets and performing the most menial of jobs for those of higher stations. The year was 207 BC and Britt the Boy's destiny of greatness was about to commence...

Gebtulus Simonius: "You boy! What day is it!?"

Britt the Boy: "Why, it's Christmas Day, Sir!"

Gebtulus Simonius: "What're you talking about? Christmas doesn't exist yet!"

Britt the Boy: "Oh... Sorry, it just seemed like something an orphan kid should say, Sir!"

Gebtulus Simonius: "Orphan you say? Excellent! You can come with me and join the army."

Britt the Boy: "Uh... what?"

Gebtulus Simonius: "Face it, you haven't got anything to live for! And I have debts to pay! So I need an army I can send to Gaius Claudius Nero in his Carthage campaign. My debts get paid, you get to die an honourable death. Win-win."

Britt the Boy: "You seem like a bad guy..."

Gebtulus Simonius: "So? You get what you need, I get what I want. Now go on. There's other wretches in that soft excuse for an army too. Don't worry, they'll slap a helmet on you. You'll look the part at least. Over there, that's the chap that'll sign you up!"

The Roman noble shoves Britt the Boy off towards a man with a piece of paper. He was taking signatures of any plebeian that happened to pass by - either taking their names for the Simonius army or taking their souls, who knows?

Britt the Boy signed his name down and thus began his long march to Metaurus where he and the rabble he was with would be asked to face Hasdrubal of Carthage. Britt's the Boy's helmet was much too large for his head and his armour was made of Egyptian papyrus. His spear was a stick with a sharpened end and his cape was a second-hand garment his years-dead mother had left him. The others in his troop were mostly criminals that wished to escape justice, except for one other boy.

Britt the Boy: "Manlius a piece of your armour has fallen off."

Manlius: "Oops! Why did they bother giving us this rubbish anyway? Might as well send us out there with nothing on!"

Britt: "That would be embarrassing."

Manlius: "I didn't mean literally, stupid. How old're you anyway?"

Britt: "Eleven. You?"

Manlius: "Fifteen. That's why I'm here. Parents tried to marry me off."

Britt: "Really? Why!?"

Manlius: "Grandchildren or something. I don't know! Don't care. Just wanted to get away and this sounded like fun. As in it did sound fun. Now..."

Britt the Boy and Manlius continue to march through Italy towards the battle, often trailing somewhere behind the older men and being shouted at by their commander. Most of the way the two boys share stories of how hard their lives had been, but Britt the Boy got the impression that Manlius' stories may not be entirely true. Despite that, Britt the Boy was pleased to have one friend in the whole wide world at last.

One night the small troop finally reached the main army's camp and set up a few tents of their own. Manlius and Britt the Boy shared a single tent and Britt the Boy, at least, was glad to finally share his tent with his friend. But when it came time to sleep, Manlius just lay down in his armour.

Britt: "Uh... isn't that uncomfortable?"

Manlius: "It's made of paper."

Britt: "Sure... but wouldn't it be more comfortable undressed?"

Manlius: "What if we're attacked in the middle of the night, Britticus?"

Britt: "You know I prefer just Britt."

Manlius: "If you're going to ask stupid questions, I'm going to call you by your full name."

Britt: "I knew it!"

Manlius: "Knew what?"

He opens one eye.

Britt: "Your stories always seemed... wrong. And the way you act, especially when you go to pee... and now... and your name!"

Manlius: "Whatever it is, I probably don't want to hear it..."

Britt: "You're a girl!"

Manlius shot bolt upright and clamped a hand over Britt's mouth.

Manlius: "By the Gods, can you say it any louder!?"

Britt, hand still over his mouth, nods enthusiastically.

Manlius: "Stupid. Keep it down and don't ever say that again. Understand?"

Britt, slower, nods again.

Manlius removes "his" hand.

Britt: "But--"

Manlius clamped "his" hand over Britt's mouth again and stares at him with dead-pan eyes. Britt sighs and nods before Manlius' hand is removed for a second time.

Britt: "At least tell me why. Whisper."

Manlius: "I told you why. I didn't want to get married off, okay? It's complicated. You wouldn't understand. My parents are... different."

Britt: "At least you have parents. Mine're both dead. Or at least I think my father's dead."

Manlius: "My father... isn't my father. My parents are rich Roman nobles that run a gladiator school. I guess my mother got bored of my father and... you know. Slept with one of the Britons father had as a gladiator."

Britt: "Your real father?"

Manlius: "That's right. Father had the Briton executed, of course. But, luckily for me, took me in as his own daughter and, obviously, told everyone I was his. Only he and my mother, and eventually me, knew the truth."

Britt: "Sounds... complicated."

Manlius: "I told you it was!"

Britt: "Well, it still doesn't sound like a good reason to join the army."

Manlius: "Seemed like a good idea at the time, like I said. I thought my father just wanted to get rid of me, you know? The unwanted child. But now... I don't know."

Britt: "Look, we could still get out of here! I'll help you escape and you can go back home!"

Manlius: "Hey, just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I'm going to run from fighting. I've Barbarian blood in me."

Britt: "I didn't say that. But we'll both probably die here. I only came here because I had nothing else. But now... well, now I've got a friend that deserves a second chance. So maybe I do too?"

Manlius: "You think so? What about the battle?"

Britt: "Do you think we'd help turn the tide of battle?"

Manlius: "In our papyrus armour? Maybe not. Okay, let's get out of here!"

Britt and Manlius peek out of their tent to see most of the army had gone to sleep. If anything the remaining soldiers would assume the two of them were going for a pee. They tried to walk away casually as possible, probably making themselves look more conspicuous in the process.

The further they got from the camp, the quicker they started to walk. But then they were noticed by a scout, who had been on the look-out for Carthaginians, and a holler went up. Soon, as the two youngsters ran, soldiers were after them and the sound of hooves trembled through the ground.

Manlius: "Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!!"

Britt: "Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!!"

Manlius: "I knew this was a stupid idea! Why did I ever listen to you!?"

Britt: "I was just trying to help!"

Suddenly the horses were in front of them and they were forced to come to a halt. They tried to turn back but more horses were behind them. Swords were raised and words were being yelled but fear had grasped both Britt and Manlius so they couldn't understand. It seemed like the two were going to be killed on the spot before the horse commander broke through the line and addressed them with a deep, baritone voice.

Commander: "Stop! They're just boys! How old are you?"

Britt was quick to answer, knowing he was the youngest of the two.

Britt: "Eleven, Sir!"

Commander: "Are you scared?"

Britt and Manlius nodded as fearfully as they could.

Commander: "Who's unit did they come from?"

Horseman: "Scout said they were coming from Simonius' unit, Sir."

Commander: "That Gebtulus Simonius is a sponge and a scourge on society. I'll deal with him when I return to Rome. Let the children go. Do you two think you can make it to Rome all by yourselves?"

Manlius: "Easy, sir! We marched all the way up here, we can march back again!"

Commander: "Don't sound too confident, boy! I make have to enlist you after all!"

Manlius: "Uh..."

Commander: "Go. Both of you. Run along."

The two of them ran as fast as they could, away from the camp and the goodly Commander that released them. They didn't stop until they could see the nearest town's lanterns by the walls.

They rested on the grass, panting and wheezing.

Britt: "You never did tell me your real name."

Manlius: "It's from my homeland, you wouldn't understand it. Probably couldn't even say it."

Britt: "Try."

Manlius: "Nyneve."

Britt the Legend

Many months after their escape from the military, Britt and Nyneve finally found themselves back in Rome. They had travelled city-to-city progressive south-westwards until they reached the fabled gates. They'd long ago shed their papyrus armour and were clad in simple garbs that Nyneve had been able to barter from a trader by using her father's name. Of course they were much finer clothes than Britt had ever worn before and he often marvelled at himself in reflections from lakes, ponds or even puddles after the rain.

As the two of them began to walk the streets of Rome, intending to head straight to Nyneve's parents' home, they were suddenly bustled into an alley by two very strong men. They went kicking, screaming and biting but no one bothered to help.

They were thrust before the feet of a man they had both known some time ago - Gebtulus Simonius.

Gebtulus Simonius: "You know that ****** Commander is after a pound of my flesh because of you two urchins? I get threats, I get letters, I get sanctions, I get verbal abuse -- all because a couple of street rats got caught running away from camp. The rest of the brats I sent up there had the decency to die in battle, what the Hells were you two doing, huh? Running away!? Like you have any reason to live!?"

Nyneve: "I'm not a street rat! I just pretended to be!"

Gebtulus Simonius: "I can frickin' see that! You're not even a boy! What's this? Cut your hair and everything? But now you're in ladies robes, I can really see it. How old're you anyway? Older than twelve like you told me, right?"

Nyneve: "What does it matter? I'm higher born than you! Now let us go! If my father hears how you've treated me, you'll live to regret it."

Gebtulus Simonius: "Fine fine. You can go."

Britt and Nyneve began to walk away but a hand grasped Britt's shoulder.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Not you, street rat. She might be a noble, but you definitely aren't. You're too stupid. Boys, I think we should string the little wretch up and hang him from my slave house. It'll give the patrons something to laugh at."

Nyneve: "No! He comes with me!"

Gebtulus Simonius: "My patience with you is wearing thin, girl. I'm letting you go because I have respect for your lineage, but if I killed you now, no one would take the time to identify your remains. You'd just be some dead urchin or prostitute. So... bugger off."

Nyneve, for the first time, appeared genuinely scared. Being so close to home and suddenly threatened so brutally could shake even the strongest of hearts. Britt breathed deep.

Britt: "It's okay, Nyneve. Go now. I'll be okay. I'm worth more alive than dead."

Gebtulus Simonius: "Don't bank on that, kid."

Britt: "If I'm seen alive with you, I think the Commander would relax a bit, right?"

Gebtulus Simonius: "Huh! Not so stupid after all!"

Realising that Britt was going to be safe, Nyneve slowly backed out of the alley. She stood staring after Britt for a long pause before she finally ran away.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Okay. I'll spare your life. My wife could use a new pet anyway. All my kids are from my first, second and third marriages, this fourth's a dud. Better that way, fed up of kids. Waste of money they are. You'll be branded as one of my house slaves. Let's go, stupid."

And so Britt the Boy was taken into the House of Simonius, branded with a large "S" and made a personal slave of Gebtulus' wife, Junia. Junia was a young woman, not much older than Nyneve, but was incredibly slow-witted and passive. Often she spent her days indoors, staring out of windows or at paintings. The only time she seemed to liven up was during social gatherings, especially when her best friend Locretia visited. Locretia was incredibly materialistic and often wore grandiose garments and jewellery to show Junia. She also brought opium with her, which the two women would indulge in for several days.

Britt's duties were usually to help clean, cook and tend on Junia's demands. He was also allowed to leave the house and make purchases on Junia's behalf, as she never wanted to go outside. He grew older and more depressed. He watched slaves come in and out of House Simonius, put on a stage with plaques detailing their names, health conditions and countries of origin and then sold to other nobles. Britt felt deeply sorry for them, believing they would be treated much worse than he was. After all Britt was technically Roman, though a slave.

When Britt finally hit fourteen he saw someone he had never expected to ever see again. At seventeen and with lengthy, clean hair, Britt didn't even recognise Nyneve at all. As he stood in the courtyard watching the slaves being bought and sold, Nyneve approached him.

Nyneve: "Britt! I can hardly believe it's you!"

Britt: "Uh... you're not supposed to talk to me, miss. I'm a slave... how do you know my name?"

Nyneve: "Seriously? The Narrator just told the Readers that we went through this, we don't need to have this pointless conversation."

Nyneve: "Maybe I can help get you released, Britt? If my father buys you from Simonius, he could then free you!"

Britt: "You think he'd do that?"

Nyneve tutted.

Nyneve: "I can't guarantee it..."

Britt: "Then I should just stay here. I have a good life... comparatively..."

He motioned towards the slaves.

Britt: "There's a lot of them kept in cells underneath the house. I feel so bad for them."

Nyneve: "Slavery is terrible, and we've both been affected by it. My real father was a slave too, remember? I'm sorry this happened to you. It's my fault..."

Britt wanted to avoid the blame game and changed the subject.

Britt: "Where have you been all this time? I see you and your parents made up!"

Nyneve: "Yeah, we did. I didn't have to marry, which is good. I said I'd run off and join nomads instead of the army and they relented. I tried to find out where you'd gone but Gebtulus just kept fobbing me off, saying you'd left the city! What a scoundrel, you were here the whole time!"

Britt: "He probably didn't want you trying to free me."

Nyneve: "How is he to work for?"

Britt: "I work for his wife, Junia. Mostly I think I'm here to go shopping for her. It's what I usually do. Why're you here?"

Nyneve: "Father is looking for new gladiators. I don't think he'll take anyone here though. I'm so happy I found you again, Britt."

Nyneve looked like she was going to hug Britt but refrained, not wanting her parents ire.

Nyneve: "Your master did tell my father that he should come today though. Important business. Father assumed there'd be a strong slave up for auction, but apparently not. I don't know what Simonius is playing at, but he's going to make father angry..."

As the two continued to talk, another figure entered the courtyard with several guardsmen. He wore the bright, silver armour of the military and when he removed his helmet they both recognised him.

Britt & Nyneve: "The Commander!"

The Commander, indeed, who had once set them both free from military service. He dismounted his horse and approached the entourage with Nyneve's father.

Nyneve: "What the Hells is going on, do you think?"

Gebtulus Simonius: "Thank you for coming! I have a special event planned for you all!"

The Commander: "You know I have no interest in slaves, Simonius!"

Gebtulus Simonius: "And I do not intend to sell you any! Guards!"

The large gates to the courtyard were suddenly slammed shut. Some of the people in the courtyard ran towards them and pounded their fists.

The Commander: "What's the meaning of this, Simonius?"

Gebtulus Simonius: "I am a man of few principles, but one of those principles is vengeance. Everyone in this courtyard has wronged me in some way and today, you shall all pay the price for that mistake. Slaves!"

From the open archway that led to the lower levels of the House of Simonius came a horde of slaves - with weapons. They shuffled slowly out, confused and squinting at the sunlight.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Freedom will be granted to all of the slaves that kill the Romans standing before you. All of them. Dead."

Initially the slaves looked at each other with hesitation and doubt, until one brave soul, eager for freedom, suddenly charged at the Romans. His sword cut down one unarmed woman. Instantly there was a clamour for survival as the slaves tore into the Romans. The Commander and his guards pushed their way to the front to fight off the slaves, but their numbers were too great and the slaves went around them - hacking and slashing at any who stood before them. Nyneve screamed when her father was skewered by a sword but Britt held her back and stood in front of her. The slaves, seeing his brand, left him be.

The Commander: "Stop this madness! He will never grant you freedom! Stop!"

The Commander's cries went unheard in the madness and savagery. Britt thought on his feet. He had to rescue the Commander. Nyneve's father was gone, but that man still stood. Britt used his key and opened the door to the house proper.

Britt: "Everyone, the door's open! Inside, you can kill the rest of them!"

Slaves began to take the bait and rushed through the door with blood-hungry eyes. Britt tugged at Nyneve.

Britt: "Nyneve, I have to help Junia escape!"

Nyneve: "Why!?"

Britt: "Because... because... because she's kind of stupid and doesn't really deserved to be butchered by this lot."

Nyneve: "Just like... just like my..."

Britt: "Don't think about it just now. You've got to be strong again. Just until we're all out of this alive!"

Nyneve managed to nod and follow Britt inside the house. They saw slaves running wild, mostly smashing and breaking whatever they believed looked valuable. Britt led Nyneve up a side passage to the rooms he knew belonged to his mistress. As they burst into the room they saw Junia lay upon the floor of her room with a small knife pushed into her chest. Stood over her with a look of surprise was Locretia.

Locretia: "Britt! I'm surprised to see you! I - I just found Junia this way! My lovely Junia! My best friend! Those beasts must have killed her!"

Britt: "No..."

Locretia: "Don't worry, Britt, we'll be okay up here for now. I just saw Gebtulus go by. I think he has a plan. You're not with those slaves, are you Britt? You were always a good boy. Keeping our little opium secret..."

Nyneve: "The rioting slaves seem to like smashing things, but this room..."

Locretia: "I guess they just wanted to kill the wife of the master first. How should I know the mind of a slave?"

Gebtulus Simonius burst into the room and saw his dead wife on the floor.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Damn it! Now I need another wife!"

Britt felt anger stir at Gebtulus Simonius' casual dismissal of Junia's demise. Junia may have owned Britt, but Britt felt she never understood much of anything that happened around her and could be seen as blameless.

Locretia: "Don't worry, Gebtulus, there are plenty of women out there."

Gebtulus Simonius: "Perhaps, but it's a pain to find a decent one. Anyway, I have to deal with this slave revolt. I have a last resort for this kind of situation. I've done it once before during the last slave revolt--"

Locretia: "There was another revolt!?"

Gebtulus Simonius: "Yeah. They killed my second wife. Probably a good thing really, she was a pain in my arse."

Locretia: "What's your last resort?"

Gebtulus Simonius smiled a dark smile, much more menacing than any Britt had ever seen from him before.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Death incarnate."

From the shadows emerged a dark-clad figure who appeared to have melted out of the shadows rather than stepped. He was tall, dark-skinned and had white tattoos on his face. His eyes were completely white, suggesting that he might be blind.

Locretia was taken with disgust.

Locretia: "Another slave? Gebtulus, is this wise?"

Man: "Slave? You are mistaken. I am Death. I feel Death. I sense it. I sense it on you, Locretia. I sense it upon your hands, in your hair, in your heart..."

Locretia staggered away from him.

Locretia: "Who are you?"

Man: "They called me Askia before I became the bastion of Death."

Locretia: "Gebtulus..."

Gebtulus Simonius: "Don't worry! Relax. Askia here is in my debt. We have a perfectly good arrangement. I help him with his specialised... diet, and he does a few murders for me. It's a very good arrangement."

Slowly, with a kind of crooked twist in his neck, Askia turned his head to look at Britt and Nyneve, who were cowering in the corner. He smiled a broad smile of pure white teeth and two very sharp fangs.

Then he was gone. He disappeared, but from below they could hear the screams of the slaves as they were being torn to shreds by those sharp teeth.

Nyneve: "By the Gods, what kind of monster is that?"

Gebtulus Simonius looked at Nyneve and Britt as though seeing them for the first time since he entered the room. It took him a moment to recognise Nyneve but when he did he smiled with happiness at his good fortune.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Brilliant! The one that got away has returned! Surprised your father was stupid enough to bring you with him today. Actually I should be surprised he was stupid enough to come at all, but there you go. Arrogance breeds stupidity in those who believe themselves to be untouchable. No one escapes me forever, girl."

He approached them and, with his arm around their shoulders, guided them to the balcony of Junia's room. Britt glanced back at his fallen mistress again, seeing Locretia also staring down at the dead woman. When on the balcony the two were made to look down at The Commander who was killing the last of the slaves. Of his four guardsmen, two had survived.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Good show, Commander!"

The Commander: "You won't get away with this, Simonius! I shall come up there and tear your head from your shoulders!"

Gebtulus Simonius: "Patience, my friend! You have only passed the first challenge! Askia, where are you!?"

From the house below Britt and Nyneve came Askia. He slowly approached The Commander.

The Commander: "I advise you, African, do not approach further or I'll be forced to strike you down."

Askia: "I sense so much death on you, Roman. It practically falls off you like blood might. A skilled warrior, honourable and dutiful. But how would you feel in the face of true Death, warrior?"

Askia pounced upon the first guardsman and pulled his head off with his bare hands. Both the Commander and the remaining soldier were taken off-guard by the sudden horror the act, but The Commander regained his composure quickly and made a strike at Askia. The two danced around the courtyard, Askia constantly dodging or deflecting The Commander's attacks. When the second soldier tried to help his Commander, Askia first wrenched the man's arm out of its socket and then tore his throat with his fangs. This sent The Commander into a rage at last and he desperately, wildly, tried to slay the beast that was Askia.

Britt: "Please stop this, Master!"

Gebtulus Simonius: "I think not."

Gebtulus Simonius looked elated, thrilled with the upcoming prospect of death and carnage.

Suddenly Nyneve moved and shoved Gebtulus Simonius, trying to push him over the balcony. Unfortunately she lacked the upper body strength and the Roman merely staggered aside. He shook his head and struck Nyneve with the back of his hand.

Gebtulus Simonius: "I'd kill you, girl, but you'll be more valuable to me as a slave."

Nyneve, who had fallen to the floor, looked up at him petulantly.

Nyneve: "You can't! I'm a noble!"

Gebtulus Simonius: "Are you, now? I know about your little secret, girl. Your father was slave and that makes you the offspring of a slave! Your mother has no husband, she will be shamed and left destitute. You, on the other hand, will become my slave. In fact, I'll make you one of my next wife's maids. Be thankful for at least that. You're too educated to be sold as a prostitute."

Nyneve glowered at Gebtulus but there was also fear in her eyes. She knew he was right and she was desperately trying to solve the problem in her head. How to escape and save her mother? Her hope lay with The Commander.

But Fate was not on Nyneve's side.

Fate: "Hey, I'm impartial here."

Britt: "No! Commander!"

Askia finally stopped playing with the Roman soldier and wrenched his sword from his hands. With one hand he hoisted The Commander into the air by his neck.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Kill him, Askia!"

Askia continued to hold The Commander in the air, a wide grin on his face.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Now, Askia! Stop playing with him!"

Askia: "No."

He put The Commander down.

Nyneve, hearing the words, sighed with relief.

Gebtulus Simonius: "What!?"

Askia, without warning, clamped his mouth around the neck of The Commander and drew his blood. It was now Gebtulus' turn to breathe a sigh of relief.

Askia: "You remember our agreement, Simonius?"

Askia allowed The Commander to fall to his knees. A pitiful sight for Britt to watch. The once proud, brave and good man forced to his knees by a monster. Britt didn't even feel hatred towards Askia - it was towards his Master.

Gebtulus Simonius: "What of it?"

Askia: "I would serve you here until I found one worthy of becoming one like me?"

Gebtulus Simonius instantly turned a vivid shade of red.

Gebtulus Simonius: "Anyone but him! Askia! I forbid it!"

Askia bit his own wrist, leaving a wide gash in his skin. Blood poured from the self-inflicted wound.

Gebtulus Simonius: "No! Stop!"

Gebtulus Simonius was practically bouncing up and down on the balcony with petulant fury. Askia's blood dripped onto the face of The Commander. When just a drop fell between his own lips, a strange change began to take place in the kneeling figure. He thrust himself up with renewed rigor and began to drink from Askia's wrist.

Britt: "What... what is he doing?"

Gebtulus Simonius: "Making my most hated enemy immortal. Turning him into a monster just like Askia."

Britt: "No..."

Askia: "Rise... NeSferatu!"

The Commander rose and, without turning back, the two men leapt into a shadow and disappeared from the courtyard. Britt, Nyneve, Gebtulus and Locretia in the chamber stood in silence, reflecting upon their own situations. It was Gebtulus' anger that came spilling through first, declaring that he would have a new wife by the end of the week and that Nyneve would be her personal slave. Nyneve looked up at Britt.

Nyneve: "I don't think I can keep being strong, Britt..."

Britt: "It's okay now. It's all over. We're at a loss..."

So it came to pass that Gebtulus married Locretia-

Gebtulus: Just as well. She's livelier than Junia but still empty-headed. Prettier though.

-and Nyneve was made her handmaiden. Locretia treated her well though; Britticus the slave made sure of that, on pain of revealing her opium habit. Even though he was pretty sure Gebtulus already knew about it, and didn't give two figs, Locretia didn't know that.

Gebtulus was in a dither for a long while over the loss of his best ally AND the immortalization of his most hated enemy, all in a single stroke no less. But one day, he was so happy that he actually whistled whilst walking through his villa, instead of whipping some random slave.

Random Slave #1: Not really an improvement. Instead of abusing our backs, he abuses our eardrums. Give me a good whipping any day.

Gebtulus charged into Locretia's room, and Nyneve carefully shoved the opium behind a strategically placed array of pots.

Gebtulus: Wife! Make yourself presentable. My new enforcer is arriving today!

Locretia: Oh? Er. Yessssss?

She was of course a bit loopy from the opium, but Nyneve quickly intervened.

Nyneve: I will see to it that the lady is dressed to suit.

She never called him 'master', refusing to let go that last shred of pride, but Gebtulus was in a good enough mood that he didn't even notice. She sent a sour look at his retreating back and turned to the task of making her lady presentable.

When her task was done, she managed to excuse herself, and tracked down young Britticus, who was growing into a fine, strapping young man.

Nyneve: So what's all the fuss about?

Britt: He's found a replacement for 'Death'. Some Armenian mercenary, the right hand of his queen. Supposed to be the greatest living horseman AND the greatest living archer.

Nyneve: Oh? What's his name?

Britt: Eh, it's some foreign gibberish. In good solid Latin it comes out to 'Imperator'.

Nyneve: 'First citizen'?

Britt: Yes, apparently, his family has been the right hand of the Armenian royal dynasty for some time.

There's some ruckus out in the villa court at that moment, and Nyneve hurries back to see Locretia out to the event. The slaves line up, in order of rank and seniority, with Britticus near the front. The villa gate opens, and with very little fanfare, a horse trotted in bearing its master.

She was a woman. Dressed in very nonfeminine leathers, and unhelmeted, she had a long ponytail of pitch-black hair that dangled below her waist, and striking blue eyes. She had a bow and quiver strapped to her back, a sword on her hip, a dirk on her other hip, and a bandolier of short knives slung from left shoulder to right hip.

Gebtulus: Well? Where is he?

He was looking behind the woman, clearly expecting someone else. The woman arched an eyebrow, and dismounted her horse with an elegant ease.

Woman: I am... Cathia Imperator, in your tongue.

Gebtulus: *sputtering* A... a WOMAN?!

Cathia Imperator frowns slightly.

Cathia Imperator: That is correct, sir, I am female.

Gebtulus: Preposterous! A woman cannot be the greatest horseback archer alive!

Cathia Imperator rolls her eyes, mutters something about narrow-minded Romans, and plucks a knife from her bandolier. Gebtulus pauses from his rant to widen his eyes and back up, opening his mouth, when Cathia flings the knife to a point in the villa wall high above, clear across the courtyard, where it twangs slightly as it sinks into the wall.

Then she draws her bow with blinding speed, fires an arrow straight up, before releasing another arrow that strikes the first arrow, thereby adjusting its aim so that it angles and instead strikes the knife imbedded in the wall.

Gebtulus' jaw has dropped. So have several of the slaves', including Britticus. Nyneve, however, is smiling.

Nyneve: I *like* this chick...

Britt the Legend

A year rolled by since the unforgettable slave revolt and the mysterious Askia. Britt had been dubbing himself Britt the By-stander, as he felt all he had done was stand-by and watch the carnage around him. The strange downfall of The Commander had shaken Britt to the core. The Commander had always been a symbol of unbreakable heroism and bravery within Britt's dreams for all his years as a slave to Simonius - but to see the man somehow twisted by the sinister evil of Askia felt like a metaphysical slap to the face.

Britt's service in the House of Simonius fluctuated week-by-week. Some weeks he was in charge of the slaves' care in the basement, other weeks he was once again the attendee for the Master's wife.

Locretia Simonius: "Britt darling, please fetch my new jewellery!"

Britt went out of his new mistress' room to get her jewellery from the merchant in the hall. Shortly after Junia's death, Locretia had become Gebtulus' fifth wife. When she arrived, she replaced everything in Junia's room with new furnishings - erasing all trace of the dead woman. Initially Britt was resentful of this, but ultimately decided it would have been worse if Locretia was sleeping in the very same bed Junia had done. Over time he started to grow slightly fond of Locretia. She wasn't as simple-mindedly naïve as Junia, but Locretia had a strange kind of charm that rubbed off on him. He didn't know what it was exactly, but she somehow endeared him. The sound of her voice, the lilt in her laugh, the paleness of her skin...

Britt quickly returned with the jewellery. Locretia was already seated and rose her hair expectantly. Britt slipped the large necklace around her shoulders, each partition was a huge gold piece and Britt could feel the weight of it as he put it upon her chest. He fastened the thick clasp at the back.

Britt: "Can you stand the weight of it, my lady?"

Locretia: "I am a woman of high birth, my simple Britt. One must take such great burdens to remain in fashion."

Britt rolled his eyes. He could never tell if she was trying to be funny or not. Another slave entered the room, dressed in a simple, white robe and her dark hair was tied to the side in curls.

Nyneve: "My lady, I have your milk balm."

Locretia: "Good. Put it there and tell me what you think of my new necklace, girl."

Nyneve grinned at Britt while Locretia's gaze was distracted by the shiny trinket around her shoulders. Britt grinned back but tried to straighten his lips out when he realised how stupid he probably looked.

Nyneve: "I think it looks beautiful on you, my lady. The colours are so vivid and match your hair wonderfully."

Nyneve moved around to the rear of Locretia and gave Britt a playful nudge with her elbow. Britt nudged Nyneve in return, leaning over and shoving her with his shoulder.

Locretia: "I do appreciate having you here, girl. You have such a good eye for these things. Alas... this is supposed to be worn in the bare minimum of clothing. Hopefully it's going to increase fertility so I can finally secure my place in this household... Britt! What do you think?"

Before either slave knew it, Locretia had turned on her stool to face them with her chest, and necklace, exposed. Britt instantly averted his gaze to the ceiling, while Nyneve demurely lowered her head.

Locretia: "Britt, what are you doing?"

Britt: "I-I- ah, I'm not supposed to look, my lady! It's not allowed!"

Locretia: "I am your owner, Britt. That means I say where you can and cannot look. I'm commanding you to give me your opinion."

Britt slowly lowered his head. He felt flustered and he was certain that his face must have turned bright red. Locretia wore a discrete, though self-satisfied, smirk. Britt stood with a fixed, dream-liked expression on his face for a long while.

Locretia: "As a man, I want to know... does this appeal to you?"

When Britt swallowed he found his throat dry. He managed to nod before he could find words.

Britt: "Y-yes. Very much, in fact. Very... very... appealing..."

She stood, without redressing, closing the gap between them by just a fraction - yet that fraction seemed to cause the intensity of heat that Britt could feel in the air around him to increase even further.

Locretia: "Thank you, Britt. I trust in your male judgement. I hope it's enough. Girl, apply the milk balm. My skin must be ultra soft for this evening."

She finally turned her back to Britt, releasing him from sexual torment.

Locretia: "You can go now, dear Britt. Look after our pets will you?"

Britt bade his farewells to his mistress and left her chamber. Once outside he breathed a deep sigh, still dwelling on his confused feelings for Locretia. All the while his liking of her increased, and yet at the back of his mind he knew she had murdered his former mistress, the innocent Junia. Even Askia knew it. Blood-stained hands. He shuddered as a chill ran up his spine, and yet he couldn't shake the fixation he had with her.

He made his way down into the basement where the "pets" were being kept for the day. The slaves were allowed to walk around the courtyard for one hour a day under guard and that time was almost up.

Many slaves were packed into the small cells, forced to share a single bucket to go to the toilet in and given scraps of food from the master's table. One lone guard stood in the basement, the rest were taking up positions in the courtyard.

Septimus: "Britticus! Will we get any bread today?"

Britt: "You haven't been fed?"

Septimus: "No. The guards came down earlier with what looked like our food but... I think they fed it to the dogs."

Britt: "Sorry about that. I'll ask someone upstairs later to bring down anything that's still available. Any other problems today, Septimus?"

Septimus: "No. Life's just peachy. Davius over there learnt a new trick today, didn't you Davius? He can now fart the Roman legion's marching beat."

Britt: "Sounds like you've had a productive day."

Septimus: "I never thought I'd say this, but I hope I get sold soon. Anything would be better than this."

Britt: "Don't jinx yourselves, I've heard horror stories about the mines."

Septimus: "Right now I'd take deadly labour over starving in a tiny cell."

Britt: "Fair point. I will try and get some food to you soon. Buyers will be here tomorrow, so we can hope you all get bought and taken to better homes than this."

Septimus: "Except Old Villius. I think he's been here for forty years or so already. Can't tell for sure though, he's gone kind of mental. Keeps talking to his own toes."

Britt: "Just don't let him talk to your toes, and you'll be fine. If he gets hold of those... you'll be walking funny for the rest of your life."

Septimus: "Thanks for the warning. Let me ask you something before you go?"

Britt: "Okay."

Septimus: "How'd you land such a sweet gig? How'd you end up doing this? Serving the lady of the house, looking after us poor plebs?"

Britt: "Funny when you put it that way. I never really saw myself as fortunate to be here, to be honest."

Septimus: "Want to switch then?"

Britt: "Yeah, when you put it that way... I'm sure things will work out for us both, Septimus. It's been an honour to meet someone so interesting for now though."

Septimus: "Likewise. I bet it's not everyday you get to meet the son of Minerva, right?"

Britt: "Still think you're the son of a goddess?"

Septimus: "No thinking about it, my friend. If ever I get out of here, I'll prove it to you."

Britt: "I look forward to that."

Britt left the cells and walked out into the courtyard to see that everything was prepared for the slaves' walk. One of the guards nodded to him and he nodded back. Usually the guards avoided talking with him, thinking him beneath them - despite the fact that those higher than the guards liked to talk to Britt all of the time. That was, except for Cathia Imperatus, the personal bodyguard for Gebtulus Simonius. She was entirely different from everyone else in the house, seeming to exist on some other plane entirely. Although most found her cold, Britt found her indifference a welcome change from the other guardsmen.

The guard walked down into the basement to let the slaves out. Britt intended to watch for a while and then go try to find the slaves their food, but then he heard his name being shouted.

Locretia: "Britt! Britt!"

Britt rushed to the centre of the courtyard and looked up to see Locretia leaning on the balcony wall. Her voice was agitated and anger was written all over her face.

Locretia: "Britt, get up here! I need you!"

Britt did as he was bidden, ignoring the snickering of the guards around. He burst into his mistress' chambers to find her drinking a large goblet of wine. She slammed the goblet down on the tray held out by Nyneve when she saw him enter. She thrust an aggressive finger in his direction.

Locretia: "I thought you said I was appealing! You told me, to my face, that I was desirable!"

Britt: "You were! You are!"

Locretia: "Well, apparently either you're lying or you're wrong! My husband, once again, doesn't want me. Once a month isn't going to increase my chances of stability here! What's wrong with me? What's wrong with this necklace!?"

She stared at Britt as though he ought to have all of the answers. He managed a bewildered shrug.

Locretia: "I really believed you. I thought... yes, I was so irresistible..."

Britt: "Lady Locretia, I think you are the most... attractive woman I've ever met. Beyond words, you are infinitely beautiful. Everything about you is so incredibly lovely. I've admired you for so long in every way. I'm sorry about my Master, but I assure you it is no fault of yours. You are so... perfect..."

Britt detected a stiffness in Nyneve's posture that told him she was unhappy with his sudden outburst of affection, but she otherwise blanked him.

Locretia visibly softened, though she kept her back straight and indignant. But her eyes were suddenly filled with warmth and encouragement.

Locretia: "Yes... I have to say, I had noticed."

Britt lowered his head and fell to one knee.

Britt: "I'm so sorry that I've embarrassed you."

Locretia: "Maybe it was all your attention that filled me with delusions of my own beauty... Or maybe I just have a beauty only a plebeian can admire..."

Britt: "I don't believe that. You are much more beautiful than any of the other noble women I've seen come in here. You are the Master's fifth wife... maybe... he's just... well, he is who he is..."

Locretia: "You mean he's a complete basturd, right?"

Britt refrained from answering that.

Locretia: "Girl. Get out. And close the curtains when you do. And don't let me be disturbed for the rest of the evening..."

Nyneve, stiffly, walked out wordlessly and closed the curtain as bid.

Locretia: "There's a very simple solution to my problem, Britt. Do you want to help me?"

Some months later and Locretia is one happy mother. The child, dark-haired just like his mother, is considered a miracle by everyone as mother and father only shared a bed a few times. The baby seemed to arrive a little premature, but he was perfectly healthy and strong.

Septimus rubbed his eyes and Britt related the news of the birth. Following Britt's increased 'influence' in the household, he had been able to get his friend a job in the kitchen. Septimus considered himself eternally indebted to Britt for this and so he was willing to sit through a step-by-step explanation of the whole birth, despite wanting to sleep or vomit depending on how vivid Britt's depictions were throughout the tale.

Septimus: "Congratulations, you are the secret father to a horrible Roman noble."

Britt: "We don't know that! The baby is probably the Master's!"

Septimus: "Come on! Seriously, what are the chance?"

Britt: "Still. I think it's best if I believe the baby isn't mine... puts me in a dangerous position."

Septimus: "You've been in a dangerous position for the past eight or so months. You and the mistress. You're lucky me and Nyneve can keep our mouths shut, else both you and she would be nailed to crosses."

Briitt: "Thanks for the reminder."

Septimus: "Just wanted to keep your head in play. What're you going to do now that Locretia has her child? Think she still 'needs' you?"

Britt: "I suppose... not. I don't know what will happen. She's the boss, I guess."

Septimus: "I know there's every possibility you could get strung up at any day, but wow... I wish I was you."

Britt rolled his eyes.

Septimus: "I was talking to Nyneve earlier today. You know she still holds a candle for you, right?"

Britt: "Nyneve hates me."

Septimus: "I don't think so. She just doesn't want you sleeping with Locretia."

Nyneve: "Actually I don't want him sleeping with that witch, and I hate him."

Septimus: "Sneaking around in the dark, Nyneve?"

Nyneve: "My ears were burning."

Britt: "How are you, Nyneve."

Nyneve: "I'm still not talking to you."

Britt: "Oh..."

Britt the Legend: Chapter Five

Septimus: "I think she likes me."

Britt: "You think everyone likes you."

Septimus: "Am I wrong?"

Britt: "Yes. Cathia Imperator regards everyone as a target..."

Septimus: "Target for sex?"

Britt: "Arrows."

Septimus: "You really know how to kill a guy's mood, you know that?"

Britt grins.

Britt: "First time I've been told that!"

Septimus: "Life's just full of surprises."

The two young men were milling about the atrium. Septimus had finished cleaning the cooking wares and Britt was free from duties for a few hours... unless his mistress called.

Locretia: "BRIIIIIITT!!"

Britt: "I don't get five minutes, do I?"

Septimus: "For anyone else she just sends Nyneve to fetch them. You she shouts. Every time. I think she just likes screaming your name."

Britt: "And that's the last sex joke you get to make. Nothing's been happening in that regard since the birth of--"

Septimus: "Your baby?"

Britt: "Their baby."

Britt glared at Septimus as he left the atrium and made his way to Locretia's chamber. His relationship with the mistress was still positive and Britt retained great status in the household, but the physical aspect had ceased. Britt never understood why, but he assumed she had what she wanted to secure her place in the Master's life - Britt wasn't needed any more. Of course his and her lives were built up upon these secrets, so while Britt did his role as the lady's slave, he was in a superior position than most would expect.

Locretia: "Pass me those ear rings."

Britt looked beyond her to the ear rings that lay just out of reach. He rolled his eyes.

Britt: "These are very beautiful, my lady. Is there some special occasion?"

Locretia: "Filius Farlanae is visiting."

Britt: "Again?"

There was a pause as Locretia considered what kind of attitude she was supposed to have to Britt's comment. She narrowed her eyes.

Locretia: "What are you implying, Britt?"

Britt: "It's just that he's been visiting you quite a lot lately. Which is funny because I thought he was the Master's friend... who he never visits."

Locretia: "... are you jealous?"

Britt: "I don't think that's possible."

Locretia: "Then why even make comment?"

She was wearing her small-lipped fake-pout. A picture of incredibly "cute anger".

Britt: "I'm just curious, that's all. The welfare of my lady is part of my role here."

Locretia: "I will be fine. I'm just enjoying the attention, that's all."

Britt: "You don't get enough?"

She turned on her stool.

Locretia: "No. I don't. My husband continues to be elusive and I can't... continue to... do things we did. We were too close and that made things much more dangerous."

Britt: "Right. I can see that. I really do--"

Britt leaned in to help adjust Locretia's jewels so that they sat more pleasingly.

Britt: "--but I don't think that means you should get too... close to the best friend of your husband. That'd be harder to conceal."

Locretia: "I told you, I'm enjoying the attention, that's all. He's bringing a gift today."

Britt: "What kind of gift?"

Locretia: "I have no idea. But it's a gift for me and my husband, so it won't be anything... I have to coneal, as you put it."

Britt: "That makes my job easier, at least."

Locretia: "Thank you, Britt. Just remember... you are my favourite."

Britt: "And I'm honoured by that fact. I'll go find Nyneve and ask her to prepare for your guest."

Britt bowed and left the room with a smile on his face. It felt good to be treasured by someone, even if they owned you. He wasn't sure how 'owned' he even felt the older he got.

Locretia: "Wait! Britt!"

He rushed back into the room.

Locretia: "Also tell Nyneve that the new girl is to be punished by the guardsmen for theft."

Britt: "Wow, really? What did she steal?"

Locretia: "She didn't. I sold Gebtulus' latest gift - a dull necklace made of jade - and I don't want him to find out."

Britt: "Oh..."

Locretia: "It's going to have to bee a severe punishment this time though. Her left hand is to be cut off."

Britt: "What!?"

Locretia: "Well, I can't cut off the right, then she'd have no use."

Britt: "But- why cut off any hands? Isn't that a little extreme? She didn't even commit the crime."

Locretia: "What will my husband think if I let her go free of punishment, or even with a light punishment? He'll know I'm lying about it. He has to believe it. She's just an idiot girl anyway, barely a capable body slave. I'd have sold her weeks ago but she does have lovely coloured hair."

Britt: "But--"

Locretia: "Go, Britt! I don't have time to listen to your moaning. Sometimes I find it endearing, but not today. I have more important things to think about that some stupid slave girl."

Britt stared at the floor.

Then left.

A short while later Britt was stood with Septimus and Nyneve after explaining what Locretia Simonius commanded.

Nyneve: "I won't!"

Britt: "And then you get into trouble and Locretia gets someone else to deliver the message - so the girl loses her hand anyway."

Septimus: "Britt's right."

Nyneve: "That woman is evil!"

Septimus: "Nyneve's right."

Britt: "She's not evil. She's just... I don't know. Deluded? Misguided?"

Septimus: "Roman?"

Nyneve: "Stop making excuses for her! You don't get it! You're blinded because she's nice to you. But it's only to you! When she talks to me, she never even uses my name! I'm just girl, Septimus would just be boy. But you, you're Britt! Always have been!"

Britt: "Who care what she calls you? We're just slaves anyway."

Nyneve: "No! We weren't always slaves! Have you forgotten that? Remember what they did to us?"

Britt: "Gebtulus did that, not Locretia."

Nyneve: "She murdered Junia."

Britt stared at the wall.

Britt: "Maybe..."

Nyneve: "No maybe! You heard Askia!"

Britt: "I'm not ready to put all my faith into the words of a monster that I know murdered The Commander."

Nyneve: "And why would he have lied?"

Septimus: "This is a pointless argument, guys. What're you going to do about the girl?"

The three of them fell silent. The atrium they stood in was still, the water of the pool was perfectly clear and the light above was bright through the clear blue sky. Britt stared up and relished the crisp coolness of the air before he settled his mind.

Britt: "I'll take her. I'm sorry, Nyneve. I should have just done it myself to begin with. You shouldn't have to do it."

Nyneve: "Neither of us should have to do it!"

Britt didn't say another word, he simply walked away. He felt acid in his throat and a deep sense of guilt. He told himself he was just doing as commanded, he was doing what he was supposed to do and yet he couldn't shake the sense of guilt. Was there more he could do? He found Cathia Imperator walking across the courtyard, away from the slowly closing gates. Filius Farlanae was walking with Locretia into the house. Britt watched them go before he approached Imperator.

Britt: "There's a slave that needs punishing. Her left hand must be cut off."

Cathia Imperator: "That's a duty reserved for the guardsmen."

Britt: "I know, but..."

Cathia Imperator: "But what?"

Britt: "You're the best, right? The punishment... the slave doesn't really... deserve it. So, I was thinking... I should ask someone who'll do it cleanly. Do it so there's less pain or whatever."

Cathia Imperator: "I get it. You're trying anything to assuage your guilt."

Britt: "What? No! Why wo--"

Cathia Imperator: "I'll help you."

Britt: "You will? Oh right. Okay. We should probably go get her then..."

Cathia Imperator: "That's right."

Sometime later Britt walked slowly behind Cathia Imperator as she dragged the weeping girl out of the slave quarters. She was young, small and frail. Her hair was blonde, though dirty, and her skin was incredibly pale. Britt guessed she was from Gaul somewhere as she kept crying out pitifully in her native tongue. The sun was nearing sunset and their shadows were elongated across the courtyard. Some of the guardsmen initially took an interest in the sudden ruckus but quickly lost interest when they saw Imperator was in charge.

Cathia Imperator roughly yanked the girl to a stump and slapped her hand down. She quickly tied the girl's little white hand to it and watched her squirm. Imperator suddenly grabbed the girl's head and held it before her own.

Cathia Imperator: "What's your name, girl?"

Girl: "They call me Florina here."

Cathia Imperator: "So what is your real name?"

Girl: "Seren."

Cathia Imperator: "This is a dark day for all of us, Seren. Steel yourself."

Imperator rose and drew a long knife. Britt had already brought over a flame pit as asked and she stuck the knife into the flames. She waited for a minute.

Cathia Imperator: "Are you ready, Britticus?"

Britt: "Me? I don't think I'll ever be ready for this."

Cathia Imperator: "You have to be quick. Once I give you the blade, you strike immediately."

Britt: "Wait, what? You want me to do it?"

Cathia Imperator: "You must take responsibility for your own choices, Britticus. You may not have given the order, but the order was given to you. You should do this yourself."

Britt: "I can't!"

Cathia Imperator: "You must."

Britt looked down at the girl. She looked up at him with pleading eyes. In those eyes he couldn't decide if she was begging him not to do it, or to do it himself. He couldn't do it. He knew he couldn't, and yet Imperator was right. Nyneve and Septimus both told him the act couldn't be carried out, but he said it must. Why? He could have told the Master the truth, or simply punished the girl in some other way and accepted punishment for himself? Instead he readily accepted Locretia's wishes. Was he blinded like Nyneve said?

He put his hand around the blade's hilt. Imperator stepped back.

Britt's muscles tensed.

Britt: "I'm sorry, Seren..."

He drew a breath and experienced a numbness that washed over his soul. When he opened his eyes, the world around him seemed distant and strange. He quickly pulled the knife out of the fire pit, rose it and brought it down again.

Cathia Imperator: "Stop!"

Britt's hand froze inches from the girl's. The heat of the knife would have been felt upon her white skin. Britt knelt, panting and staring wildly. For whatever reason he had been stopped from committing the act. An act he suddenly realised would have ruined him and his soul for eternity. He didn't believe that the gods particularly cared about the state of his soul, but he did. He dropped the knife and untied Seren.

Britt: "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'll try to get Locretia to change her mind, I promise! I can't believe I was going to do that!"

Seren simply cried and cradles her hand.

Cathia Imperator: "I didn't stop you to make you feel better."

Britt looked up at the leather-clad woman.

Cathia Imperator: "You're about to be killed."

Britt: "What?"

He turned to follow her gaze towards the house. Even in the reddening sky the house was clearly illuminated, as were the figures running around inside.

Britt: "Slave revolt?"

From the slave chambers came Septimus looking elated. Britt ran to him.

Septimus: "We're free! Britt, we're free!"

Britt: "This is madness, Septimus! Slaves have revolted before and each time Gebtulus puts them down! You're all going to be killed!"

Septimus: "But this time something amazing has happened... time travellers!"

Britt: "..."

Septimus: "No seriously! From they future! They came in a blue box!"

Britt: "..."

Septimus: "They're like... crazily powerful. They obliterated the guards inside already. Everyone's going mental! They're all headed to the atrium now, then out of the doors!"

Britt: "The atrium?"

Britt's eyes widened.

Britt: "But... that's where..."

Britt ran inside, Septimus after him.

The corridors were a mess, just as had happened the previous time. The house was in ruins and guards lay everywhere in bloodied piles. However everything was eerily quiet, most of the slaves must have already passed through. As he reached the atrium he saw two unusual figures - one in a heavy, black cloak that looked not too dissimilar from Imperator, and the other wore a red cape and clothing made of unusual materials he had never seen before. The two of them ran with a crowd of slaves, cheering with excitement and thrill of adventure.

Before Britt was Filius Farlanae's present to Locretia - a strong wooden table. Such large tables were a relatively new invention that were fashionable amongst an elite few. Britt didn't understand why someone would want to sit at a table rather than lie beside it, but he wasn't a high-born noble.

He approached the table and looked down at the face of Locretia. She was little more than a bloodied mess, beaten and beaten long after she was dead. Yet her face was surreally clean of injury save a spattering of blood. He ran a finger from her eye, leaving a bloody trail down her cheek. He stood there, holding her face without noticing that others had filed into the room.

Septimus: "Britt!"

Britt realised he had been called several times.

Britt: "Sorry..."

Septimus: "We've got to go..."

Britt: "You go. I'll just... I'll just stay here."

Septimus: "Don't be stupid. You're a slave too. Gebtulus will have you up on a crucifix just for being here. I'm sorry you had to see her like this, Britt, but she's not worth losing your life over."

Britt: "How can you say that!?"

Britt pushed his friend away in an uncharacteristic fury.

Britt: "She's the mother of my child!"

Septimus: "She was also a cold-hearted killer that abused every slave in this house, bar one."

Britt didn't reply. How could his child grow up without a mother? It was fortunate the baby was with Gebtulus' parents or else the slaves may even have killed the child... Britt was growing increasingly horrified with everything around him. He broke down into tears. He felt he had been crying for hours, but he knew it had only been minutes before Nyneve's arms tried to pull him up. She kissed his forehead, his temples and continued to encourage him up but ultimately he pushed her away also.

Slave #1: "Just leave him! He was one of them anyway! Look at him, getting upset over that witch!"

Slave #2: "He was always running around after her like a dog. He's as bad as them, keeping us all locked up in the cellar. He had the master's keys and everything."

Septimus: "Hey now, I was down there once too. We all did our roles here."

Slave #3: "We should kill him too."

Slave #1: "Definitely."

Nyneve: "How can you say that! He's one of us!"

Then a small voice piqued above the rest and sealed Britt's fate.

Seren: "He was going to cut off my hand. He was going to do it himself."

Silence followed and Britt knew that even his friends were appalled. Why had Imperator made him do it himself? What point was she trying to make? It didn't matter now. The beating he received was done with less ferocity than they had done against Locretia and Filius, Britt knew this because he was able to lie on the table and die slowly and he bled out. The world was silent. He thought he saw Nyneve over him for a brief moment but then even she was gone and he was alone with the dead, ready to join them...

Man: "Do you want to live, Britticus?"

Britt: "No."

Britt was surprised to find that he was able to speak perfectly clearly, though it felt as though his lips weren't moving. In fact he couldn't feel much of anything. The shadowy figure stood before him, but his features were constantly shifting as though he had no true shape.

Man: "Why would you throw your life away?"

Britt: "I don't deserve life..."

Man: "Because of the actions of others?"

Britt fell silent.

Man: "Or because of the pain of loss?"

Britt didn't want to hear anymore.

The stranger leaned in close.

Man: "Let me give you your life back, Britticus. You can live, join your friends again. There are still people that need you."

Britt thought of Nyneve and Septimus. Where would they go? How could they escape Rome?

Man: "In fact... I can give you the greatest gift of all. Not just one lifetime... but many. Immortality, Britt. Live forever..."

Britt began to panic.

Britt: "Are you Askia!?"

The man laughed.

Man: "No. Far from it. For now you can call me... The Negotiator. All you have to do is sign this contract..."

Britt the Legend: Chapter Six

Britt groaned and clutched his head. A deep throbbing seemed to reverberate his entire being. Everything around him was dark and he found it difficult to breathe. He tried to sit up.

THUNK!

Britt: "Ow, buggery..."

He smacked his head against something. He felt upwards to find he was in an enclosed, cramped space. He then realised that the pounding in his head was literary pounding through his whole body - the wooden frame surrounding him was pounding. He began to bang his fists wildly against the wood above him and shouted at the top of his lungs.

The banging ceased and Britt shouted again. As he continued to shout, the pounding began again in earnest - quicker and harder.

After some unusual sounds above there was a final thud, much closer this time, and then a moment of silence. Britt panted heavily, nervously. Then, suddenly, there was a blaze of light that burnt his eyes. Relief came as a figure blotted out the light, surrounding this dark silhouette with bright, seemingly holy, light.

Voice: "You're alive after all..."

Britt: "Imperator?"

Cathia Imperator: "I admit, I had my doubts when I was told to dig you up... but here you are."

She thrust the wood from above him and helped him to sit up. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at his surroundings. He was in a grave.

Cathia Imperator: "Sorry about the daylight. I did come in the evening, but it was a bugger finding where you'd been buried. Surprised old Simonius agreed to bury you at all, but apparently his wife had asked for you to be buried with her. Of course she thought you'd be alive. I suppose she was a traditionalist in that respect."

Britt spluttered with shock.

Britt: "I-I'm dead!?"

Cathia Imperator: "Apparently not."

Britt: "I'm not a-- a--"

Cathia Imperator: "I have no idea what you are, to be frank. But whatever you are, you're evidently blessed. I don't know if you died and came back, or if you never died at all. You looked dead. Found your body myself."

Britt: "There was a weird man. Offered me a contract."

Cathia Imperator: "That sounds ominous. Probably the same man that told me to dig you up."

She helped him out of the coffin and then out of the pit where she'd jumped down. The sunlight was shining through the open doors to the Simonius family tomb. He glanced around and saw the graves of both Junia and Locretia, side-by-side.

Britt: "I don't think they should have been buried together..."

Cathia Imperator: "Why? They were supposed to be best friends before Junia was killed by a slave."

Britt: "I think she was killed by Locretia herself..."

Britt looked down sadly at Locretia's grave. She may have had her dark side, but Britt couldn't dismiss his own selfish feelings for her.

Cathia Imperator: "Strange, why would you think that?"

Britt: "I found her standing over the body of Junia, knife in hand. And Askia said he could feel death upon her."

Cathia Imperator: "Circumstantial, surely? She told me she killed the slave that had killed Junia. The man had stabbed Junia and then chased Locretia into the next room where she managed to use a heavy ornament to club him to death. She was horrified by her own actions - even if they were in self-defence - and never told anyone save me. She thought I would understand. I did."

Britt stared at Imperator in disbelief.

Britt: "But you only have her word?"

Cathia Imperator: "True. So which would you prefer to believe?"

Britt grit his teeth, hating himself. The leather-clad Imperator turned away from him with a dramatic swoop of his cloak and marched out of the tomb. Britt took a few moments to gather himself before he followed her. Once outside he had to admire the beauty of Roman architecture as the two of them passed by the various family tombs of the cemetery.

Cathia Imperator: "Locretia was much more tolerable than the new mistress of the house, I must admit."

Britt: "New mistress? The Master has a new wife already!? I thought he moved fast last time, but this is just crazy!"

Cathia Imperator: "Ah... you haven't a clue how long it's been, have you?"

Britt: "...I don't like the sound of that."

Cathia Imperator: "It's been three years."

Britt: "By the gods!"

Cathia Imperator: "You know, if you keep shouting at the gods they'll probably come down here and spank your arse."

Britt decided that sounded fairly enjoyable depending on which god he envoked. Three years was a long time. How had he survived? Was he truly dead?

Britt: "Am I a zombie!?"

Cathia Imperator: "What's a zombie?"

Britt went to answer, then realised he didn't know.

Cathia Imperator: "Well, whatever the case, you're free now. I really only showed up out of morbid curiosity. I really expected to find your decaying corpse."

Britt stared at her incredulously.

Britt: "And you still dug me up?"

Cathia Imperator: "I meant morbid literally."

Britt: "Truly disturbing..."

Cathia Imperator: "Goodbye, Britticus."

Britt: "Wait, wait, you're just going to leave me here? Shouldn't I come with you?"

Cathia Imperator shook her head with disbelief and mild exasperation at Britt's lack of foresight.

Cathia Imperator: "Simonius thinks you're dead, you're not reported as missing, no one will look for you. In fact, only I know you're alive. You're a free man once again. Take it."

Britt blinked. A surge of elation was welling within him, but it was corked by a sudden sense of displacement. He didn't know what to do by himself. A whole world of nothingness. He remembered his life before he was a slave and it was not pleasant. He had been better off as a slave rather than dying of starvation or disease in the streets. Yet he was now more world-weary. He understood things that he couldn't as a boy. He could do this!

Britt: "But wait, what about Septimus and Nyneve?"

Cathia Imperator: "No idea."

Britt: "So they escaped? They're alive?"

Cathia Imperator: "They certainly did escape, yes. Other than that, I don't know where they are or if they're alive."

Britt: "Right..."

Alive, possibly immortal but alone.

Britt: "Why do you work for Simonius?"

Cathia Imperator: "Got to have money, Britticus. It's the law of the world."

Britt: "But surely there's better work you could do?"

Imperator raised an eyebrow.

Cathia Imperator: "I mostly stand around doing nothing and get paid a lot of money for it. All on the off-chance someone tries to kill Simonius, which is surprisingly infrequent. It's not my dream job, but it's a good one."

Britt: "And what would be your dream job?"

She smiled for the first time since he'd met her. It was strangely bitter-sweet, feminine but sinister.

Cathia Imperator: "To conquer the world."

Britt: "Wow... that's quite the... ambition."

Cathia Imperator: "You asked."

Britt: "If you were a slave and you found yourself suddenly free. What would you do?"

Cathia Imperator: "Conquer the world."

Britt rolled his eyes.

Cathia Imperator: "Fine. I imagine I'd go back to my homeland."

Britt: "This gods-forsaken place is my homeland."

Cathia Imperator: "In that case, I would form my own band of merry men and rob the rich."

Britt: "And give to the poor?"

Cathia Imperator: "No! Why the bollocks would I do that!?"

Britt: "I don't know, it just sounded like something that should be done... I'm not sure if I'm the bandit-type, to be honest."

Cathia Imperator: "I saw the fires of violence within you, Britticus. It lingers within."

Britt: "I don't like that sound of that at all."

Cathia Imperator: "You seem to dislike a lot of things you hear. Maybe you need to adjust yourself to suit the reality around you."

Britt: "... or, if I did conquer the world, I could adjust reality to suit me."

Cathia Imperator: "You can't steal my dream, Britt. Get one of your own."

Britt: "Why don't you conquer the world, Imperator?"

Cathia Imperator: "I would need an army. Everything begins somewhere."

Britt: "How would you get an army?"

Cathia Imperator: "Well, you need to be charismatic to draw people to your cause."

Britt stared at Imperator.

Cathia Imperator: "I have plenty of charisma!"

Britt continued to stare at her.

Cathia Imperator: "Okay, maybe my charisma needs a little work."

Britt: "Or maybe you need someone else to be charismatic on your behalf?"

Cathia Imperator: "I'm kind of used to doing things by myself."

Britt: "So you want everyone to follow you and work for your ideals, but you don't want people to help you so..."

Cathia Imperator: "I'm aware of the paradox."

Britt: "So why don't I help you on your quest? That could be my new place in life?"

Cathia Imperator: "You and what army?"

Britt shrugged.

Britt: "That's what my charisma is for."

Cathia Imperator: "You do have a strange kind of charisma about you. I wouldn't have said you were especially charismatic to begin with, but you do draw people to you. You even got me to talk to you, so you must have something..."

Britt: "So... it's a deal?"

Cathia Imperator: "Fine. I suppose I'm not getting any younger. Plus, to be honest, I was beginning to get a bit flabby working for Simonius with so little to do all the time. We start in my homeland of Armenia."

Britt: "Great! Maybe we should try to find Septimus and Nyneve first? I'm sure they'd join us."

Cathia Imperator: "Not sure about that, but I'm happy to do it. I think it's a good place to start this. Give us a bit of experience with something easier."

Britt: "So where do we start?"

Cathia Imperator: "They're your friends, how should I know?"

Britt: "Well, I know Nyneve is from Briton. Maybe she went there?"

Cathia Imperator: "You want me to travel all the way to Briton? Are you out of your mind?"

Britt: "Hey, you want to conquer the world, right? You'd have to get there at some point anyway!"

She put her hands on her hips.

Cathia Imperator: "And do you own a ship? Do you even know where that land is, how big it is, how safe it is?"

Britt: "I suppose we need to do a bit of research first... Or invoke the gods!"

Cathia Imperator: "That's a terrible idea."

Britt: "Come on! I'm sure they'd be happy to help! All good adventure stories have gods helping the heroes!"

Cathia Imperator: "But they don't usually help foreign heroes who plan to conquer Rome itself."

Britt: "I suppose so. Plus the gods usually act like spoilt kids and treat humans like their personal playthings."

Cathia Imperator: "You shouldn't have said that."

There was a crack of thunderous wrath and the sky above the cemetery turned dark. A second strike of lightning fired to the earth, this time just a metre from Britt and Imperator. Britt leapt in fright, straight into the arms of Imperator. She growled and dropped him like a stone.

Britt: "Ouch..."

Zeus: "I'll give you something to 'ouch' about in a minute, you ungrateful little sod!"

Britt: "Wow! Zeus himself!"

Zeus: "Of course! The lightning should have given it away."

Britt: "Fair point. Is it too late to say I'm sorry about using the gods' names in vain?"

Zeus: "You, human, don't release everything we did for you!"

Britt: "Uh... you're right... I don't."

Zeus: "We spared your life so many time by altering things down here, we granted you clemency from the wrath of many people who ought to have lobbed off your head for a variety of reasons and all you can do is complain about how we somehow wronged you!"

Britt: "So... your idea of helping me was to make me a slave to Simonius?"

Zeus: "You got to meet Locretia didn't you?"

Britt: "Who was someone else's wife..."

Zeus: "Yeah well, I do that all the time! What's the problem?"

Britt: "You really don't understand humans very well, do you?"

Zeus: "I don't need to understand you, I just need to know what's good for you!"

Britt: "Sleeping with my Master's wife was good for me?"

Zeus: "Of course! Had fun, didn't you?"

Britt: "Not really the point..."

Zeus: "You got status, respect, love and affection."

Britt tried to think of a rebuttal beyond 'but I wasn't free', but nothing else sprang to mind. Unfortunately he knew freedom wasn't exactly high on a gods' list of importance. Sex was usually number one, and vengeance was usually second.

Britt: "And you sent The Negotiator to save me from death, I expect?"

Zeus: "We bloody did not! Gods-damned wild card, that one."

Cathia Imperator: "Did you just damn yourself?"

Zeus: "Quiet you, unless you want me to alter your destiny so that you'll wind up being eaten alive by angry gerbils."

Cathia Imperator, for the first time, looked horrified.

Zeus whipped out a cigarette and popped it into his mouth. He lit the end with a lightning bolt that shot out of the sky - overkill much?

Zeus: "Don't think you're safe from my wrath, Narrator, or I'll have your ethereal bollocks in a vice."

Zeus is such a great god. Everyone loves Zeus.

Zeus: "Better."

Britt: "Who're you talking to? And what's that in your mouth?"

Zeus: "For me to know and you to find out in a few centuries."

Britt: "Uh... right. So are you going to help us conquer the world!?"

Zeus: "I came here to chastise you!"

Britt: "Okay, but you've done that now. So can we have your help?"

Zeus drew a long drag on his cigarette as he contemplated. Ash fell into his long, white and curly beard.

Zeus: "Alright, bugger it. Fine. What do you want me to do?"

Britt: "We want a boat!"

Cathia Imperator: "He means a ship! A big one!"

Britt: "Aye, what she said."

Cathia Imperator: "And a crew for it!"

Britt: "Oh yeah, good thinking."

Zeus: "Done."

Britt and Imperator look around expectantly for a few minutes.

Zeus: "Stupid. A ship in the middle of dry land isn't going to do you much good, is it? I can plonk it here if you want me too, though..."

Britt: "No no! Thank you oh Heavenly Father!"

Zeus: "Don't call me that. That's just weird."

Britt: "Okay... chief... bossman. Where should we find our boat and crew?"

Zeus: "The docks, where else? Of course, you don't just get the ship. Your destiny is to get a ship and crew, so you have to work for it."

Cathia Imperator: "I knew it was too easy."

Zeus: "I can take it back, you know?"

Cathia Imperator: "I meant to say, that's perfect! I like to work for what I receive anyway."

Zeus: "Good human. Alright, you two go and enjoy your little destinies then. I have to teach a Princess about the ills of chastity."

With that he exploded in a flurry of electrical sparks that crackle and sizzle through the air, making both Imperator and Britt's hair hand on end.

Cathia Imperator: "That went well."

Britt: "Yeah. I'm surprised really. We should probably do something about our hair before we go to the docks though..."

Britt and Imperator reached the docks and began wandering with no idea where to go. They kept inspecting ships to see if anything suggested it belonged to them.

Septimus: "Imperator! What're you doing here?"

They turned to see Septimus with a large bottle of wine in his hand. He squinted at Britt.

Septimus: "Who's your boyfriend?"

Cathia Imperator: "Britticus."

Britt: "And we're not dating, Septimus."

Septimus beamed drunkenly.

Septimus: "Wow, his name's Britticus too? What're the chances? You know, my bestest friend was called Britticus? Of course, he hated to be called that, always insisted on--"

Britt: "Britt."

Septimus: "That's right! You too!? Must be a thing for all Britticuses. Britticusi... Britticusae..."

Cathia Imperator: "It's the same Britt. He's back."

Septimus: "Like he just went on holiday, eh?"

Cathia Imperator: "What're you doing here?"

Septimus: "Funny you should ask! I just met this sea captain guy and he bought me a drink after I insulted his wife because she has a beard and then I think we gambled for his ship and I won so I am the captain even though I can't sail a ship and then..."

He finally ran out of breath and began wheezing.

Britt: "You own a ship?"

Septimus: "I think so! I think I also won his wife... including her beard."

Britt: "Disturbing..."

Cathia Imperator: "So you got the crew too?"

Septimus shrugged.

Britt: "Which boat is it?"

Septimus stumbled towards the nearest ship, squinted at it and then declared with his arms wide;

Septimus: "Must be this one!"

He stomped on-board and announced to the crew, who were preparing the ship to sail, that he was their new captain. The crewmen continued working with suspicious and confused faces.

Woman's Voice: "It's true lads! The Captain gambled her away and this skinny little man won. Ship's his, as am I!"

The "woman" was very large, both in height and bulk. She wore a loose shirt and trousers but her most noticeable feature was the black beard on her face. Britt's eyes roved from the large breasts she had to the large beard she also had, and back again.

Britt: "By the gods... what kind of monster is this!?"

Septimus: "This is my new wife, apparently. Her name's Dave."

Britt: "Riiiiiiiiiiight..."

Dave: "Nice to meet a friend of my husband's. So, loverboy, shall we retire to the Captain's cabin?"

Septimus: "Is there more booze in there?"

Dave: "Of course!"

Septimus: "Then yes! Set sail men!! Weigh anchor!!! Lay a course!!! Swab the decks!!! Release the hounds!!!"

Crewman #1: "Uh... we don't have hounds... but we can lay a course. Where to, captain?"

Septimus: "Neverland!!"

The crew all exchange glances.

Britt: "He means Briton!"

Septimus: "What the Britt clone said!"

The crewmen got to work while Dave and Septimus went off for some alone time in the Captain's Cabin.

Cathia Imperator: "He's going to wake up screaming..."

Britt: "Yeah... Zeus has a twisted sense of humour."

Britt the Legend: Chapter Seven

For the first few days Britt was constantly throwing up over the side of the ship. But once he got used to the rocking motion of the sea he found the experience to be thrilling, seeing the open ocean before him and the strange lands to his left and right. They would frequently dock with random cities in Southern Europe and Northern Africa, granting Britt some incredible cultural experiences and shocks.

Once they were attacked by pirates but the crew proved to be well-versed in combat - suspiciously so - and Britt's only contribution to the battle was to smack someone with book. Who turned out to be Septimus.

Septimus spent most of his time blind drunk, which Britt suspected was the only way Septimus could look at his new "wife". Imperator kept mostly to herself, only appearing when Britt seemed to be in danger of falling off the side of the ship, drinking poisonous liquids, eating gunpowder or putting his head inside a cannon for a "closer look".

When Briton was finally in range the trieme was rowed straight up onto the beach where it was laid to rest. Some crewmen remained on guard duty, working shifts with the rest of the crewmen who went to the nearest town with our heroes.

The nearest town happened to be a hill fort that the local Iron Age tribe, Durotriges, inhabited. As Britt, Septimus, Imperator, Dave and the other crewmen entered the fort the people stared at them with intense dislike and distrust.

Britt: "...Maybe we should find a new town?"

Then there was a loud neigh of a horse and they turned about to be confronted by a strange, shirtless man, pant-wearing man with the head of a horse.

Everyone: "... :huh:"

The horse-man then spoke by simply opening his horse-mouth, not needing to move his lips to form words.

Horse-God: "I'm Atepomarus."

Everyone: "... ... :huh:"

Horse-God: "Atepomarus? Brythonic god of horses, that's British to anyone reading this book--"

Britt: "Book?"

Horse-God: "Nevermind. It's okay, just call me the Horse-God. Everyone seems to get a good giggle out of that."

Everyone: "... ... ... :huh:"

Horse-God: "Not even a giggle? You guys suck."

Britt: "Suck? On what?"

Horse-God: "Just -- okay! Skip all the small talk, your Princess is in another catle. And by Princess I mean Nyneve. And my castle I mean fort."

Britt: "Wow! You know Nyneve!?"

Imperator: "You knew we were looking for her?"

Dave: "You know who we are?"

Septimus: "You have the head of a horse..."

Horse-God: "I may be the god of horses, but I'm still a god, okay? I know stuff. Plus, this was a whole plot point going nowhere."

Britt: "Plot point?"

Horse-God: "I hope I never have to deal with Heroes as dim-witted as you lot in the future..."

Britt: "So, where is the fort with Nyneve in it?"

Horse-God: "Ireland."

Britt: "Where's that?"

Horse-God: "Uh... Ancient Roman name... Hibernia."

Britt: "Right! Off to Hibernia then!"

Horse-God: "Actually that information doesn't come free..."

Britt: "What do you want in return?"

Horse-God: "You have to kill the most dreaded, vicious, horrible, horrendous, villainous, dangerous, vile, disturbing, savage, cruel, depraved, heinous, monstrous, disgusting, disreputable--"

Imperator: "Can we skip the rest?"

Horse-God: "--beasties ever known to man."

Britt: "Uh... I'm not really sure if we're the guys for the job, to be honest. We're not really the 'slaying beasties' type. We're more the... 'taking it easy' type."

Imperator: "No, Britticus! This is it! Our first chance at valour as a group. We do this and we'll go down into Celtic legend! They'll probably get the story all messed up and wrong, maybe change our names -- maybe to George -- and get the monster wrong -- maybe they'll call it a dragon -- but it'll still be all about us! This is our chance to prove ourselves. A test!"

Britt: "I kind of don't want to die."

Imperator: "You've done it once before, why not go a second round?"

Before Britt could rebuke, the Horse-God - with his weird open mouth - was talking again.

Horse-God: "Great! Just head north of here and you'll find them. Good luck!"

Britt: "Uh, aren't you going to give us magical weapons or something? You know, quest rewards?"

Horse-God: "Uh... I could give you a sugar cube?"

Britt: "No thanks..."

Horse-God: "That's good, I was planning to munch on that later. I haven't really got anything else. Except for these--"

The Horse-God pulls out a suitcase, flips the clasps and reveals a treasure trove of guns!

Britt: "What the heck're they!?"

Horse-God: "Well, this one I like to call 'The Little Helper'..."

Sometime later Britt is kitted up with more guns than an Arnold Schwartzenegger and ready for action. The Heroes stand at the spot indicated by the Horse-God but see only rabbits...

And we all know how THAT ends.

Britt and his party finally made it back to Maiden Fort and the Durotriges tribe - only half a crew short of men.

Horse-God: "Wow... I'm impressed you came back alive."

Britt: "You are a rubbish god."

Horse-God: "Now that's a bit uncalled for!"

Imperator: "At least you finally experienced your first kill, Britticus. Now you're a real man."

Britt: "Because I used a machine gun on a horde of rabbits?"

Imperator: "Deadly rabbits."

Britt grumbled an dumped all of his guns at the feet on the Horse-God, never intending to use them ever again. Dave, who had lost an eye during the rabbit-battle and looked all the more horrific, started recruiting new sailors from the Durotriges while Britt, Septimus, Imperator and the remaining crewmen returned to the trieme to lick their wounds.

Britt the Legend: Chapter Eight

The trieme bumped up onto a beach in southern Ireland, or Hibernia as our crew knew the land. Arriving in the lands of Deas-Mhumhain - translating as South Munster by modern English parlance - the heroes headed to the nearest town in search of their quarry.

Britt: "Wait, did someone just say this place is called MONSTER!?"

Septimus: "Pretty sure he said Munster."

Britt: "Just because you change one letter of a word, doesn't mean you're saying something else."

Septimus: "Like... w4ng!"

Britt: "Exactly."

Septimus: "B4lls. Peniz. Deek. Co--"

Imperator: "We all got it, Septimus."

Britt: "Bit of a fixation with male genitalia you have there, Septimus..."

Septimus: "I'm going through a very confusing period of my life, Britt."

Britt: "Do you need to talk about it?"

Septimus: "Exactly, yes. Yes I do."

Britt: "... It's going to involve male genitalia, isn't it? Maybe you could talk to Imperator about it? She's a great... listener."

Septimus: "You think so?"

Septimus looked at Cathia Imperator with concern.

Septimus: "Do you think... she really is a... she... under all that leather?"

Britt and Septimus stare at the Armenian woman, who begins to show signs of discomfort shortly before hurling a rock at them. After fleeing a short way, Britt and Septimus continue their discussion.

Britt: "I assume she's a woman. Either that or she's a very pretty man."

Septimus looked from Imperator to his "wife", Dave.

Septimus: "It's not like it could get any worse..."

Dave: "We're almost at the town of Blarney! Come on, husband of mine!"

Septimus was unceremoniously carted off by his wife, and away from Imperator. Imperator herself drew closer to Britt.

Imperator: "You told Septimus to talk to me about his marital problems, didn't you?"

Britt: "Uh... would I do such a thing!?"

Imperator: "Do it again and I'll strangle you with your own toga."

Britt: "You're very mean at times, you know that?"

Imperator: "Toga. Neck. Death."

She pointed a warning finger at Britt as she strode off. Britt grumbled to himself, not just because he had been threatened but also he was now reminded of how bloody cold he was in his toga. The wind kept whooshing up to his nethers.

As the band of Roman-Durotriges enter the small town they are met mostly with gasps and surprise. Soon the Durotriges crewmen were jabbering in Celtic languages with the townsfolk to get them information and somewhere to stay. It was soon revealed that the townsfolk knew exactly who they were talking about and that the "crazy foreign girl" was currently kissing a stone.

Britt: "A... stone? Is that a euphemism?"

Dave: "Apparently not. It's an actual stone that she's snogging. Someone said it gives you special powers."

Britt: "Kind kind of powers?"

Dave: "No idea. Let's go and find out!"

Britt: "Right. To the Kissing Stone!"

They find the mysterious stone in the middle of a field and, as they approached, they could see Nyneve atop of the rock - puckering up. Even when they drew close, she didn't remove from her efforts.

Britt: "Maybe you should... get a room?"

Nyneve: "Rock's too heavy to shift..."

Imperator: "And why exactly are you tonguing a rock?"

Nyneve: "This rock is supposed to grant the kisser a silver tongue! Able to convince anyone to do whatever I please!"

They stand and watch her for a while.

Septimus: "I think you're doing a bit more than just kissing there, Nyneve."

Nyneve: "It's not working, so I'm trying to please the rock!"

She suddenly stopped and stared at her friends.

Nyneve: "Maybe... it did work... and now I can see ghosts..."

Britt walked over to her and she looked straight up at him.

Nyneve: "Is it nice to be dead, Britt?"

He wrapped his arms around her in a tight, warm and very-much-alive hug. She sat, shocked, for half a minute before she returned the hug in a death-grip fashion. Then she kissed him, all over his face, amidst laughing.

Septimus: "You know, kissing Britt would probably lower your intelligence, not increase it..."

Dave: "Maybe these two and the rock should be getting a room?"

Nyneve: "How are you alive, Britt! I cried for you for months, you rotten basturd."

Britt: "I was... maybe dead? Or maybe asleep. I think I was sleeping... for three years."

Nyneve: "Yeah, because that sounds totally believable..."

Britt: "You believed kissing a rock would grant you a magical tongue."

Septimus: "Maybe it did, but her tongue's magical talents lie in a different set of skills? Eh? Eh?"

Imperator: "I wonder if I could lift that rock and drop it on you..."

Dave: "My Septimus doesn't need to kiss a rock to get those kinds of powers, right my love?"

Septimus' face turned stark white.

Britt and Nyneve get up off the rock and dust each other down. Unlike Britt, who had kept his traditional Roman attire, Nyneve had "gone native" and was wearing animal hide and, in particular, trousers.

Britt: "Those are very effeminate, Nyneve. Aren't you... embarrassed?"

Septimus: "But Britt, all the men here wear them too!"

Britt: "Oh really!? I thought there were just a lot of women here!"

Nyneve: "By the gods, Britt! Most of the men here have beards!"

Everyone, bar Dave, shifts uncomfortably.

Britt: "Right... moving on!"

Nyneve: "Actually, why are you even here? Don't tell me you came all the way to Hibernia just to find me?"

Britt: "Of course I did!"

Nyneve looked at Britt with wide and impassioned eyes.

Britt: "Uh... is that a bad thing? Please don't cry..."

Once again she wrapped her arms around her old, formerly deceased, friend.

Imperator: "Okay, even I'm beginning to feel a bit awkward."

Britt: "Forgive us for having a very real and emotional reaction to events, Cathia."

Imperator: "We've got adventuring to get on with! Not to mention a world to conquer!"

Britt: "Why're you in Hibernia, Nyneve? I thought you were from Briton?"

Nyneve: "Actually I was tracking our old friend... The Commander."

Britt stopped dead in his tracks.

Britt: "What!?"

Nyneve: "After I arrived in my homeland I started hearing rumours of a strange Roman man that travelled through the area on his way to South Munster, leaving a trail of bodies in his wake. The dead were all killed by wounds to the neck and blood was... everywhere."

Britt: "... but only one man? Not Askia?"

Nyneve shook her head.

Britt: "Maybe... maybe he could be convinced to join us on our quest to conquer the world..."

Septimus: "Uh... are you still talking about the guy that murdered a load of people?"

Britt: "He was a great military commander until a... sickness... took over him. I do believe we could turn him back, or help him control his darkness. If he could join us he could probably win your war for you, Cathia."

Imperator: "Well I like the sound of that. But if he proves to be a danger, you should know... I won't hesitate to cut him down."

Britt glanced at Nyneve before he gave Imperator an affirmative nod of agreement.

Britt: "Nyneve, can you lead us to him?"

Nyneve: "Of course. I just... wanted to get the power from this rock. I could convince him to become good again if only it worked!"

Britt looked at the rock.

Septimus: "You're not actually going to--"

Britt: "When in Rome!"

Septimus: "We just left there!"

Britt kissed the rock.

The group was soon standing outside a small, dark castle. Even in the Iron Age, the castle was worn and crumbling. Narrow flags billowed in the wind, though they were empty of all sigils - just black and tattered.

Septimus: "Just to bring up that word again. Monster!!"

Two soldiers stood outside the castle gate, looking very bored. As the group approached, they demanded that the halt. They were wearing iron age armour and had simple axes for weapons.

Soldier #1: "Oi, you lot. Bugger off!"

Soldier #2: "You tell 'em, Soldier #1. Little blighters."

Soldier #1: "Thanks for your support, Soldier #1. The cretins'll soon realise they're never gonna be getting past us."

Soldier #2: "Couldn't agree with you more, Soldier #1. We that have such keen eyes and skills of detection can spot peasant beggars a million miles off."

Soldier #1: "Though I couldn't agree with you more, Soldier #2, I have to say in this case it would be unnecessary. One would be able to smell the stench of these yobbos long before they came into sight."

Soldier #2: "Too true, Soldier #1. Now, shall we shoo the penniless scum or would you like to stick 'em with your axe?"

Soldier #1: "As much as I'd like nothing better than to impale my axe in someone's skull, Soldier #2, you understand that our master dislikes to draw attention to this 'ere castle. Prefers the quiet life out here. Not that I blame him and all."

Soldier #2: "Fair enough then, Soldier #1. Then we ought to threaten the little bleeders sufficiently as to equate the prospects of axe-skulling, without actually having to follow through with said act."

Soldier #1: "Right!"

The two soldiers returned their gaze to find no-one there.

Soldier #2: "They're buggered off!"

Inside the castle, our band of merry men--

Imperator: "And women!"

Dave: "Exactly!"

Everyone stared at Dave.

Dave: "What? Girl power!"

Everyone's spines quiver.

Maid: "Oi, what're you lot doin' in 'ere?"

Britt: "Uh... We're here to... for the, ah.... audit."

Maid: "What's an audit?"

Britt: "Something very, very complicated and long-winded that your pretty little brain wouldn't understand."

Maid: "Oh right. Tiarna Deas-Mhumhain says the same thing to me all the time."

Britt: "Tiarna Deas-Mhumhain...?"

Britt worked his mouth, finding this foreign language incredibly difficult to get his mouth around. He swore there weren't this many sounds that the human tongue could make.

Maid: "You don't know the name of the master?"

Britt: "Oh right! Sorry, I wasn't sure where we were on our list of people we needed to audit today! Let me see..."

Britt checked a blank piece of papyrus.

Britt: "Right. Yes. There we are. We must have skipped... Mr... Poopypants... from Castle... WaterCloset..."

Maid: "That must be one of them northerners. Weird people them lot. Just listen to those names, am I right!?"

Britt: "Very, very right."

Maid: "I'll let the master know you're 'ere then so you can get on with your audit!"

Britt: "Cheers."

The maid toddled off and our merry men--

Imperator & Dave: "AHEM!"

-- breathed a sigh of relief.

They had to wait just a few minutes before a dark shadow appeared in the large archway leading out of the main hall. A deep sense of fear suddenly struck Britt and his mind flashed back to the courtyard - repeating the downfall of his hero, The Commander, over and over. The figure wore Celtic hide and furs, culminating in a long fur cloak made of wolves. His hair was still shaved short though, reminding Britt of that militaristic style beneath the new barbarian attire.

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "What are you doing here?"

Britt: "Well--"

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "Wait. You! I know you!"

The man stepped out of the archway and into clear view of the hall. He approached Britt quickly and grabbed his face. Their eyes met and the man that was once The Commander stared deep into Britt's face.

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "I do you know... boy!"

Britt: "That's right. You saved my life once. And the life of my friend, Nyneve."

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain looked to Nyneve.

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "Girl..."

Septimus: "Can we stop with the creepiness yet? It's freaking me out..."

Imperator: "I'm surprised anything can freak you out any more..."

Imperator glanced from Septimus to Dave and back.

Septimus: "I'm learning to compartmentalise my mind and put locks on certain compartments. Then barriers, boulders, trees and anything else my mind can conjure for defence."

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "Why are you both here?"

Britt: "We were there when Askia--"

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "DON'T--! Don't speak his name in my presence!"

Britt: "You... don't like him?"

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "I loathe him, fear him, love him. He is my father and my teacher but also the one that dragged me down into this... darkness."

Britt: "Can you control... yourself?"

The NeSferatu smiled and his deep voice rattled through Britt's mind.

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "Aaaah, spoken by one who has not tasted the essence of life itself. The blood is the only thing I live for, Britticus. It is the only sanctuary I have left from my eternal torment. I wouldn't want to control it. When I am not drinking I am in despair. Only when I feel the blood of human life do I find respite from the pain of my existence."

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain's hands were still upon Britt's cheeks and his fingers toyed with Britt's tanned skin, then his neck. Behind Britt, Cathia Imperator had drawn her daggers as inconspicuously as she possibly could.

Britt: "But what if you could find a new meaning to your life, Commander? You wouldn't need a sanctuary. You wouldn't need to hurt other people."

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "Other people, Britticus? My dear boy. I am no longer people. I am NeSferatu. I am a monster!"

Septimus: "What have I been saying all along, eh?"

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "It is... lonely, Britticus..."

Britt: "Then join us! We'll help you!"

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "You could never even begin to understand the darkness growing within my dead heart. It is growing and growing. My hunger grows stronger and stronger. There's only one way you could ever understand me. You would have to join me. Become NeSferatu..."

Britt: "Sorry, Commander. I truly am. I do not wish for it."

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "Neither did I."

Imperator: "I've had enough! Take your hands off of him, foul creature!"

Britt: "Cathia!"

But the NeSferatu didn't release Britt, even when Britt tried to move away. Then struggled.

Britt: "C-C-Commander! Let me go!"

Tiarna Des-Mhumhain: "Fate must have led you to me, Britticus. A link to my past. I will make you, that lost boy who needed me all those years ago... I will make you my son and we will live here together... for eternity."

Imperator: "NEVER!!"

Cathia Imperator threw one dagger straight at Tiarna Des-Mhumhain with such accuracy that the dagger missed Britt's own head and plunged into the NeSferatu's shoulder. The impact knocked Tiarna Des-Mhumhain back and weakened his grip on Britt enough that the young man was able to escape and retreat. Confusion ensued as the crewmen all began to attack the night-stalker. For the first time, Britt could see the terrible power of Askia reflected in The Commander. The NeSferatu tore through two men, forcing his arm straight through both of their chests at once, with his other hand he yanked the knife from his shoulder. He grabbed another crewman by his skull and crushed it with a single hand.

Britt: "RUN AWAY!"

Upon hearing Britt's voice, Tiarna Des-Mhumhain stalked towards him and ignored all those who began to run. Britt took a few steps backwards, fear gripping his soul.

Imperator: "Stupid!"

She fired an arrow that flew through the crowd of fleeing people and managed to lodge itself in the leg of Tiarna Des-Mhumhain. Without waiting to see what happened next, Imperator ran to the frozen Britt and hoisted him over her shoulder as though he were a sack of sand. Britt saw Tiarna Des-Mhumhain rip the arrow from his leg with a cry of pain and anger but even as he set his eyes on Britt and Imperator, Britt realised that the NeSferatu had seen a new target.

Britt: "WAIT! CATHIA! STOP! SAVE NYNEVE!!"

Imperator glanced back. Only Nyneve was left in the hall, caught in the clutches of Tiarna Des-Mhumhain. The chances of successful rescue processed rapidly in her brain and the conclusion was - continuing running like Hell.

They burst through the castle gates, each door knocking the two soldiers out. Britt tried to fight his way out of Imperator's arms, but she simply held tighter still. Though a part of Britt was astonished at the strength of this woman, his mind was desperately willing Nyneve to escape. To run after them. But even at such a distance Britt could still see her being held by Tiarna Des-Mhumhain. He saw the moment. The blood. The exchange... the loss of Nyneve, Britt's greatest and oldest friend...