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ForumsInteractive Story Board → The Never-ending Story Thread²
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The Never-ending Story Thread²
2013-09-06, 7:15 AM #1601
Previously on the surprising adventures of this perplexingly never-ending tale of idiocy...

Current Story Arc

After defeating KnowSoul on Memory Lane, resulting in the death of both KnowSoul and Michael MacFarlane, the heroes of the NeS regrouped into two teams to tackle matters of love and loins...

Team Losien:
Current Mission: Locate the witch Baba Yaga, who lives in a house on chicken-leg stilts currently located in the swamps of Burundi. Baba Yaga is Al Ciao's only hope in granting his wish to have a new penis, after he lost the last one.

Cast:
Quote:
Losien
Losien, current main character of NeS, is a young woman with a truly heroic soul. She is still shaking off her past feelings of being "unworthy" to become a true leader of the NeS Heroes. She has been in a long relationship with TLTE, the ex-Soviet super-spy, but only now she is beginning to assert dominance over him, rather than being his damsel in distress. Recently she discovered that she is the 'father' of Apple, a young woman who now travels with the heroes. Due to recent complications from her escape of Memory Lane aided by Mecha Lou, her soul won't always stay quite attached to her body. Given by Soriel, Losien is equipped with two legendary (and chatty) items: Carlotta the Cape and Fred Teh Uber Blade. Losien is avoiding her emotional issues with TLTE, Apple, and Amal by accepting the insane quest to rescue Al Ciao's penis.

TLTE
The Last True Evil, or TLTE, was once the greatest villain to the NeS, but the ex-Soviet super-spy turned over a new leaf when he fell in love with Losien Simon. While the true evil within TLTE remains a constant struggle, he uses his love and respect for various characters, particularly Losien and his adopted charge Amal, to keep himself in check. He is currently challenged in his relationship with Losien since she became the main character for the NeS and experienced a 'dark side' during the previous story arc where she cheated on him. Though Losien seemed to not be herself at the time, TLTE's emotions on the subject have yet to be settled through conversation as Losien avoids the issue. Arkng Thand is convinced that TLTE will once again embrace his evil ways and become the greatest threat to the NeS' continued existence. It should be noted that his Potential is dead.

Apple
Apple, true name Rosebud Simon, is an assassin raised and trained by Arkng Thand. Master Thand used Apple to acquire many artifacts and eliminate problems facing the NeS. She has been a tool to organise and protect the NeS from the shadows without her, or anyone else, realising it bar Thand himself. She is fairly aggressive and seems to enjoy her job, however recent events caused her to join the NeS Heroes and restrain her killer instinct. A lengthy plot by High Angel to seek vengeance against his rival Highemperor (now Al Ciao) caused her to become pregnant, and in order to thwart that plot, an unorthodox plan was placed from Evil G resulting in Apple being her own mother and Losien to be her father. Now Apple experiences a very awkward set of daddy issues and is coming to terms with a new found "family" consisting of TLTE, Amal, Gebohq, Evil G and, in many ways, Master Thand.

Al Ciao
Al Ciao, formerly known as Highemperor, is the often clueless and changeable member of Team Losien. He was once an extreme powerplayer but gave up that mantle so that he could better help his friends, the NeS Heroes. Beyond his crazy-spiky ginger hair, Al Ciao has recently undergone some body work. After dying and being separated from his decaying body, Mecha Lou had to fix up his body with mechanical parts essentially creating RoboCiao. Unfortunately she wasn't able to give him a penis (other than a mechanical one, which he refused). He also recently became husband to Lady LightSide, who was once DarkSide, an evil force in the NeS. LightSide, now pregnant, would give birth to Al Ciao's third child. Mia, another woman somewhere far off, is pregnant with Al's first baby. A long time in the past, as Highemperor, he had a daughter named Iriana Emp - who now travels with Team Amal. It should be noted that his Potential is dead.

Evil G
Evil Gebohq, or Evil G as he prefers to be called, is an alternate version of the former NeS Main Character Gebohq. Sharing the same history as Gebohq until the end of page 50, Evil G lead a different live when he embodied the dark mantle of powerplaying, once owned by Highemperor, within his home dimension of NeShattered. However a series of events led to Evil G falling in love with the "Child of the NeS", Young. He returned to the main NeS world to reunite with his love and avoid the clutches of the Ever-Ending Plot that has corrupted NeShattered. He returned to find Young was pregnant with his child, soon bearing him a son which they named Chance. Evil G now works with the Heroes to ultimately protect Young and Chance.

Maeve
Maeve is a British woman with a drinking problem. She has long been in the NeS and has long been drunk. After a failed marriage and several failed relationships, Maeve realised that she was most definitely homosexual and relinquished all ties to her former heterosexual engagements. When she isn't drinking, or trying to get into the women's pants, Maeve is an old friend to Losien and a sobering, pessimistic tone on the group. However she is probably the most rational mind in all of Team Losien - so long as she's not too drunk.

The Otter
The Otter is a British born, half-posh, half-punk drunkard that swings between mildly drunk to completely drunk in the matter of a single post. He has potential deep down but it is rarely able to surface due to his addiction. He also cannot keep his womanising to himself, but his lecherous nature simply pushes the majority of women away. He had a relationship with MaybeChild, a former NeS Hero, which many believe brought out the best in him - but that relationship seems to have ended and Otter is generally unwilling to discuss the topic.

Voodoo Snowflakes
The woman named Voodoo Snowflakes is almost completely gone from the mind of the body and has been replaced with Sran Cadpill. Sran Cadpill is a mysterious and unusual space captain that can never quite accept that his situation is not what it once was. Many don't even believe he ever was a true space captain and that's he's just completely bonkers. Voodoo will often start barking orders and trying to assert her authority over others through arbitrary ranking system and all in an effort to save something or go on some kind of adventure or mission of justice and duty. She is often more of a liability than an aid to the team. When Voodoo's personality does emerge, it is often far less nice than Sran, as she experienced an issue with evil plants a long time ago and now she has murderous intent, and what little of her true self remains displays feelings of protectiveness for her younger sister, Magick Snowflakes - a member of Hero Force One.

Lady LightSide
Lady LightSide was once DarkSide, a malevolent force of the NeS bent on consuming souls. DarkSide joined another evil force to create KnowSoul, only to be separated soon after from KnowSoul and set to work on the Heroes of the NeS. During a fluke of story convention, DarkSide suddenly became LightSide when Losien, and the other heroes, were turned increasingly evil. As part of a ruse, LightSide married Al Ciao when she wound up pregnant with his child, causing the moral-and-gender change to remain permanent, though that may change once she gives birth to Al's child. Still pregnant with Al Ciao's baby, she refuses to be left at the Haunted House of Heroes as she believes the current quest to find her husband's penis is important to her.

Tracer
Tracer is a character brimming with "obvious mystery" as he wanders around in his own personal detective story. Often speaking like a narrative, sometimes badly, he probably dresses like Dick Tracey. He is death defying, having escaped death throughout his time with the NeS Heroes and has a habit of showing up at unexpected moments. He rejoined the NeS Heroes during the Battle Over London.

Frank Smith
Frank Smith, Time Cop, has recently arrived from 1000 years into the future on a mission to arrest a time warp individual - though he doesn't know the identity of that person yet. He works for TEA, Time Enforcement Agency, which is run by "Mysterious Person". Frank is a homosexual, middle aged man going through something of a mid-life crisis and Mysterious Person judges this case to be Frank's test of competence. Frank has a watch upon his wrist that contains Cynthai (CynthA.I. Mk XIV), an A.I. with a holographic projection able to help him in his mission.


Team Amal:
Current Mission: To rekindle the relationships of Gebohq and Rachel, Couchman and Iriana, and Antestarr and Subaru, whilst giving Amal the chance to be the main character of whatever conflict might arise and Soriel to be the voice of wisdom. With these goals in mind, the team travels to the mysterious floating palace of the secret Emperor of China in the clouds, who has invited them in hopes of aiding their goals.

Cast:
Quote:
Amal
Amal, once a young boy under the care of Arkng Thand, grew up under the adopted care of The Last True Evil. Since then, there has been a struggle between the two for guardianship over the boy - neither realising that Amal was becoming more of a man. His character has swung from dark to light but has not developed much depth - something Thand blames on the shadows of TLTE. During Memory Lane, however, problems occurred when Losien, under the influence of darkness, and Amal - having forgotten TLTE existed due to the powers of Michael MacFarlane - developed a closeness that is now, upon the return of TLTE, uncomfortable. Amal has the potential to become the Main Character of the NeS. Now that he has been separated from the over-protective TLTE and away from Losien, Amal leads a small group on a personal mission, ready to tackle any challenge that may come their way.

Rachel Pi
Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the spirit of April Fools Day. Her love quickly became unrequited, though, as Gebohq spurned their engagement of true love. Although Rachel has stuck around since and never stopped loving Gebohq, that love is mixed with hate for his rejection of her, having accepted a position as Protector of the Plotfractal in large part so she can torture him. She is strong, bold, and fearless with an unusual comedic streak. Her father, Emperor Pi, wishes for her to return home and give up her life made possible by Thand, making her life essentially meaningless. However, Emperor Pi has given her the opportunity to love Gebohq once again with a romantic getaway at his Hidden Floating Palace.

Gebohq
Gebohq, once the Main Character of the NeS, relinquished that role not long ago to his sister, Losien. Since then, he met Couchman and Princess Iriana Emp during the Battle Over London, resigned his job as a professional hero to become an associate professor of law, and conscripted as vassal to Iriana in virtually one day. Given opportunities he didn't have before, he now sets out to rekindle his love with Rachel Pi, whom never truly stopped loving her but has, up to this point at least, believed that his involvement with her puts her and the the whole of NeS at risk as well as who he really is. Gebohq is often the comedy relief of a group, and though he is cowardly in many ways, he has a deep heroic streak of "doing what's right" when he's truly needed. It should be noted that his Potential is dead.

Soriel
Soriel was once a blood-thirsty swordsman who kidnapped and killed central characters of the NeS. However, his quest to find worthy opponents to fight led him to join the NeS Heroes. He also sought to become a part of the NeS by understanding it. However, during the hunt for KnowSoul he was injured and lost the use of his sword hand. He gave his weapon, and cape (both of which talk), to Losien so that she might defeat KnowSoul. Without his sword, Soriel's mind became more focused upon the mysteries of the NeS, turning from swordsman to scholar. He newest ambition is to learn and surpass the legendary Arkng Thand. Once angry and aggressive, he now poses a cool intellect and sage-like qualities that make him a fountain of knowledge and guidance.

Antestarr
Antestarr, long since a "tech guy" for the heroes of the NeS, overused one of his inventions not long ago, which led to his body's decay. On the brink of death, an old flame unexpectedly arrived and saved his life by turning him into, like her, a NeSferatu (a kind of vampire who prefer the blood of major characters making hard choices). While he now shares an unusual connection to Nyneve and a bond that can never be broken, he doesn't love her and is desperate to prove that to his new love interest Subaru. Antestarr has a solid, clear mind that is constantly at work to solve the problems before him. However he recently has developed a need for the "blood-ink" of characters, as well as melodrama and self-pity, due to his NeSferatu nature.

Subaru Yamamoto
Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she feels, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Subaru wants to trust and believe in Antestarr but it is difficult to accept the situation and understand what is happening.

Couchman
Couchman is a "Da Vinci" of the age, being a middleman in every available skill. A polymath of the NeS. He has an obsession with couches and was working as a lawyer until recently when he fell in love with Iriana Emp. During the Battle Over London he chased her down to confess his love for her and refused to allow Emperor Pi to steal her affections. In the end Couchman won this small victory and seeks to cement his love for Iriana on a romantic getaway.

Iriana Emp
Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. Never having visited Armenia, however, Princess Iriana seeks a marriage match and considered marrying Emperor Pi for his rank as Emperor of China. Refusing to become one of his many concubines, she instead turns her attention to courting Couchman for his skills and affections. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea.


Other Important Characters:
Quote:
Jim Seven
Jim Seven (written often as Jim7) was once the ruler of Hell, however he was voted in as the new ruler of Heaven. As God he joined the Battle Over London when Serapharch, a powerful angel, tried to destroy a fallen angel named Seraphim - a member of Hero Force One. Since then Jim has mostly been establishing a new heavenly domain on Earth which was, disappointingly, established in Burundi. Team Losien have now stumbled into his domain.

Emperor Pi
The secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much.

Young & Chance
Young is the daughter of the NeS and the love of Evil G. They were married in an evil wedding and now have a son together named Chance. Young raises Chance back at the Haunted House of Heroes - where Chance has demonstrated some unusual qualities from time to time, mostly scaring ghosts and ghouls of the HHH.

Hero Force One
The group known as Hero Force One are a government sponsored hero team that is constantly in the limelight of the world's media and press for their great deeds, unlike the NeS Heroes. HFO demonstrate a great wealth of superpowers, much like comic book heroes. The team consists of Dr R. Deep, Judge, Qhobeg #2, Magick Snowflakes and Benjamin Mahir. Seraphim recently left the team.

Nyneve
Nyneve was the last of the NeSferatu until recently when she turned her old lover, Antestarr, into a NeSferatu too. NeSferatu long for the blood-ink of the Main Characters' line - which is especially strong in the Simon family. Her primary target is Gebohq and is currently hatching a plan against him.

Mr Nine
Mr Nine was once known as Acidspitter, a member of HFO. However he became the ruler of Hell after Mr Eight, Al Ciao, and has since waged a war against Heaven when they tried to destroy his former love - Seraphim of HFO. He engaged in the Battle Over London until a draw was settled upon and everyone went home.

Twin Suns & The Forgotten Army
Twin Suns, sometimes known as The Chosen One, is the leader of the Forgotten Army. The Army includes all of the forgotten characters of the NeS, including some high profile cases such as MaybeChild. They are constantly looking for new recruits and are considered a threat to the NeS by some, while others believe that they are heroes.

Arkng Thand
Once he was the guardian over both Amal and Apple, Thand has since lost both of them to the NeS Heroes. He is a former NeScholar and one of their greatest. He is mostly aloof, appearing only when he wishes and his motives are a complete mystery, even to his adoptive "children" who often follow his commands without query. Thand seems to have the NeS interests at heart but his actions are highly questionable and his schemes seem to stretch on and on. Many do not know if they should trust him or consider him to be their enemy. Thand has a particular rivalry with TLTE.


And now, before continuing the Never-ending Story Thread Squared, a look at one of the crazy Writers of this crazy story...

---------------------------------------------

Britt the Writer: "Ugh, might as well get back to writing..."

As he views his last post contributing to the insanely long story, a post where he attempted to summarize the tangled strands of story which mock plot, he notices at the bottom a message saying that it had been edited.

Britt the Writer
: "WANKER! If you're going to leave me here to write this story by myself, at least let me write it without your two cents!"
2013-09-06, 7:17 AM #1602
Gap-Toothed Pilot: "ALL ABOARD!!!" [/SIZE]

Al Ciao: "Heeeeey, I'd recognise those gap-teeth anywhere! You're The Illusionist!"

Gap-Toothed Pilot: "Huh? Wuzzat?"

TLTE: "It is tradition for Soviet pilots-"

Gap-Toothed Pilot: "Chinese..."

TLTE: "-to have poor dental hygiene. It shows that he is true worker... even if he flies plane."

Al Ciao: "So... The Illusionist was pretending to be a pilot for the airline? That sneaky sonofa-"

TLTE: "Son?"

Losien: "More importantly, why is he shouting like a train conductor?"

Maeve: "A ye olde train conductor at that."

TLTE: "How else would you know to get on plane?"

Losien: "Well, this isn't exactly an airport. Okay, let's stop gossiping like old women! We have to save Al's balls!"

Al Ciao: "Do... you have to say that so loudly?"

Gap-toothed Pilot: "Wuzzat? Someone's lost his balls!? Hey Ricky-!"
Ricky "Red" Johnson pokes her head out of the cabin. Apparently being a co-pilot is yet another one of her bajillion jobs.

Gap-toothed Pilot: "We gotta haul this baby out A.S.A.P. A man's manhood is on the line!"

Al Ciao: "I feel... so... special."

Maeve: "And emasculated?"

The Otter: "You really shouldn't use... big words like that, Maevie. People will think you're educated... or something."

Maeve: "Just because I know a word or two doesn't mean I went to Oxford."

The Otter looks at Maeve through narrowed eyes.

The Otter: "You did go to Oxford didn't you!? That was some kind of guilty confession!"

Maeve: "You clearly didn't go. Idiot."

Maeve stomps up the plane's rickety staircase. The plane rocks as she gets on-board.

Everyone stares up at the plane with trepidation.


The Otter: "The Narrator went to Oxford too!"

Losien: "Shut up, Otter."

She looks back to the plane.

Losien: "Maeve really doesn't weigh very much, does she?"

Some people shake their heads with concern.

Losien: "We're all going to die on this thing."

One by one they all got onto the plane and found their seats. Most of the seats appear to be car seats sellotaped to the floor.

Evil G: "W00t! I even got a seat belt!"

Losien: "Maybe you should give that seat to someone a bit more frail than you, Evil G? Like Lightside over there. Y'know, pregnant woman and all?"

Evil G: "No freaking way! If this plane goes down, there's no way in Hell I'm dying with you losers!"

Losien: "Is there nothing of my brother left in you?"

Evil G: "His fantastic good looks?"

Maeve: "You really think you're good-looking, mullet man?"

Apple: "I think he's pretty good looking."

Apple winks at Evil G. Evil G grins smugly.

Losien: "Apple! No!"

Apple: "Aw, c'mon! You can't stop me from fancying someone, no matter if you're my mother or the bloody Queen."

Losien: "Gebohq's your uncle."
Apple: "Uh... oh right. That's... really gross."

Evil G: "Hey. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it." :cool:

Apple: "Never going to happen, uncle. Besides you're all love-struck with Young."

Evil G: "Ah, that is true. The trials of remaining monogamous. Then again, you really can't complain about me. You shagged Mr No-Wang over there, right? And he was nearly your own father. I'm not even your proper uncle. I'm like your alternate-dimension-uncle. AD-Uncle."

Apple groans.

Apple: "I'm going celibate."

Maeve: "I'm not related to you." :P

Apple: "No freaking way!"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Okay crew! Cut the chatter! We still haven't taken off, I'll go upfront to direct the proceedings--"

Losien: "NO! No... thank you, Captain. Please, allow the, uh, helmsman..."

Losien glances around, trying to see if anyone could confirm the correct usage of the term 'helmsman'.


Losien: "...do their... duties."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Alright Lieutenant Simon. You're quite right. I ought to let the new arrivals prove themselves before I step in."

Voodoo takes her seat with as much dignity as she can muster - which isn't a lot because her seat is a bucket. TLTE also sits, but keeps one hand on the door - holding it shut. Evil G fastens his seat belt. Al Ciao holds his trousers. Light LadySide holds her belly. The Otter holds his booze.

The plane slowly begins to move. It rattles and jolts. Some screws fall on Losien's head. She stares at Evil G.

Evil G: "My seatbelt."

Apple: "Wasn't that sexy detective guy meant to be with us?"

Maeve: "You mean Tracer? I think he said he was going to ride on the roof of the plane."

Apple: "What!? Why?"

Maeve: "I think it'd be more enigmatic for a man of mystery or something."

The plane speeds along the dead grass of the 8th Dimension before lifting off the ground like a drunk hippo. Then the fabric of reality begins to scream and tighten around the Communist aeroplane before it snaps and breaks - allowing the plane to get through unscathed.

The heroes peel themselves from the floor.


Losien: "Unscathed!? Yeah right!"

Gap-toothed Pilot (Over the Radio): "We'll be arriving in Burundi in one minute."

Apple: "Wow... that was pretty quick."

TLTE: "I lost most of the door."

TLTE turns around, still holding the handle but absent the rest of the door. Wind whips at the heroes, trying to pull them out of the plane.

Evil G: "Nooooo! My seat belt broke!"

Losien: "So there is some bloody justice in the world!"

Gap-toothed Pilot: "We'll be landing in Burundi in a few seconds. Please remember to take your luggage when you vacate the plane. Thank you, and have a safe trip."

Losien: "I don't feel very reassured by that!"

Then the plane landed. Or rather plunged into a river. The source of the River Nile to be exact.

Evil G: "Just great. Swimming around in the River Nile was always on my 'To Do'."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "None of your sarcasm, ensign!"

Evil G: "What? Why am I an ensign and Losien gets to be a lieutenant!?"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "We can discuss rank, and your insubordination, later. Now, abandon ship!"

Evil G: "I thought a Captain was supposed to go down with his ship?"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "It's not my ship!"
Voodoo Snowflakes ducks under the water, which occupied most of the cabin by now, and swam through the open door.

Evil G: "Aye, aye, Captain!"

Evil G goes after her.

TLTE: "Lucky the door broke, isn't it? That is true Soviet engineering for you. There is no better."

Losien: "TLTE, can you make sure LightSide gets to safety?"

TLTE: "I will not leave you."

Losien: "Please, TLTE. I'm the leader now, I need you to do what I ask. Take her to safety. She has a child!"

TLTE: "...Da."

Al Ciao: "I can take her of her!"

Losien: "Al, I can hardly expect you to take care of yourself! Go with them!"

The three of them duck under the water, TLTE holds onto Lady LightSide and uses his powerful muscles to swim through the river water. Al Ciao is soon left doggy-paddling after them. He might have cried if the water would let him.

Losien: "Otter! Move it! What're you doing!?"

The Otter: "I have to save the beer!"

Losien: "Priorities, Otter!"

The Otter: "Exactly! Priorities!!"

Maeve: "Okay... even I have to concede to Losien. C'mon, idiot boy. Let's go. You too, sexy assassin girl."

Apple: "After my dad leaves!"

Losien: "I'll be right behind you, Apple. Go on."

Apple and Maeve swim out. Otter flounders out.

Losien: "That's them all."

Losien dives under the water. But as she does so she feels that a part of her is being left behind. She turns in the water to see her spirit-self slowly submerge into the water and begin to follow her. As Losien swims upwards and away from the now completely submerged aeroplane, Losien glances back to see her spirit following after her. When she finally breaks the surface of the water she gasps for breath. Moments later she feels her soul rejoin her.

Losien: "That was really, really weird!"

Angel: "HALT! IN THE NAME OF GOD!"

Losien:
"Awwww, seriously!?"

Angel: "Haha, no no. I'm just joking."

Losien: "Oh right... really?"

Angel: "Of course I'm not joking, you idiot! You've just stepped into Heaven on Earth! You're under arrest in the name of our Lord Almighty, Jim 7!"

Losien:
"Bugger."
2013-09-08, 11:55 AM #1603
Ricky pushes a button and the ship turns into a submarine. Gap-toothed Pilot and Ricky high-five at their awesome landing.

Ricky and Gap-toothed Pilot: "Nailed it."

The submarine slowly pulls away from the swimming group.
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
2013-09-09, 11:36 AM #1604
Above the water TLTE, Al Ciao and Lady LightSide are treading water. They watch as the submarine's periscope bobs away from them.

Lady LightSide: "I must confess... I didn't expect that."

Al Ciao: "I'd have thought they'd have... you know... told us first?"

TLTE: "Is standard feature for many Communist vehicles to have. It is known."

Al Ciao: "Oh, it is is it?"

TLTE: "Da."

Al Ciao: "Well, whatever. We'd better get to shore. Where the Hell is everyone else?"

TLTE: "Most likely, they had the same idea. I will bring the pregnant woman to shore--"

Lady LightSide: "I have a name, you know?"

TLTE: "Really?"

Lady LightSide: "Uh... okay, I think it's more of a title than an actual name..."

Al Ciao: "Betty."

Lady LightSide: "What?"

Al Ciao: "I think you look like a Betty. Or Gertrude. I can't decide."

LightSide looks less than impressed.

TLTE: "I think the American was making joke, da?"

Al Ciao: "Actually I'm Armenian..."

TLTE: "..."

Al Ciao quickly weighs his options, looking from TLTE stoic mask to his wife's equally seemingly stoic mask... but when a woman has a 'stoic mask' it usually suggests deep seething anger...

Al Ciao: "HA! Da, joke. Yeah... hahahaha... haha... ha..."

TLTE: "We swim to shore now. Save the remaining pride you have, okay?"

Al Ciao:
"Okay."

----------

Somewhere nearby, also treading water in the River Nile is The Otter, Maeve and Apple.

The Otter: "Cool! I can totally see through that nightshirt!"

Maeve: "Otter, if you say anything else I will have Apple murder you."
Apple: "You know I don't go round murdering people willy-nilly, right?"

Maeve: "I wasn't asking you to go round murdering people. I was asking you to murder Otter. It'd be like... a public service!"

Apple: "You know, you guys are always so nasty to him. He doesn't deserve to be the butt of everyone's anger."

The Otter: "Seriously?"

Apple: "Yeah."

The Otter: "Does that mean you'll sleep with me?"

Apple: "... Don't make me take it back."

The Otter: :(

Maeve:
"Looks like someone's swimming towards us."

Apple: "Is it TLTE?"

The Otter: "Is it Al Ciao?"

Maeve: "Is it that sexiful Lady WhipLash?"

Apple: :omg:

Maeve:
"What!? She has that kind of dark... gothy... dead.... zombie kind of thing going on. Put her in some PVC and you've got a yummy little package."

Apple: ... :omg:

Maeve: "Then again, she did used to be a man. That's kind of a turn-off..."

The Otter: "I'd still totally hit it."

Maeve: "Otter, you are a dirty ba--"

Apple: "SHARK!!"

Maeve: "Not shark, no. I was going to call him a ba--"

Apple: "NO! It's a shark!!"

From the direction that they believed they had seen swimmers now came the all-telling shark fin.

Maeve: "They have sharks in the River Nile?"

The Otter: "RUUUUN!!!!!!!!"

Apple: "..."

Maeve: "..."

The Otter:
"... ... SWWIIIIM!!!!!"
2013-09-09, 12:28 PM #1605
Wandering through a nearby wood Evil G is following Voodoo Snowflakes, despite the dire urge to leave the annoying pain in the neck to fend for herself.

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "This reminds me of the time I was stranded on the moon of Endor."

Evil G: "Please... no more stories... for God's sake."

The woodland shook.

Evil G: "Uh... was it something I said?"

Tracer: "The sarcastic arsehole of the NeS Heroes had clearly forgotten one thing... this is.... Heaven on Earth. I approached and relieved that burden of doubt and confusion from his shoulders - like a saviour coming through the fog on a damp and... foggy night."

Evil G: "That was really awful writing, you know that?"

Tracer: "Like a bullet from a smoking gun, the harsh words burn my skin. But it wasn't from that pain that I reeled, it was from the harsh truth of the words he spoke... like a dagger to my heart--"

Evil G: "Dude, seriously. Please! I've had to put up with this lunatic, I don't need a second one."

Tracer: "Yet I saw ignorance in the gaze of this hood. This man with no purpose, no ambition, no dreams beyond his own selfish desires. But then I begin to reflect and in those eyes I see... only myself."

Evil G: "Why do I put up with you guys? I should totally join Hero Force One or something. Start my own villain team or something. Save the world from idiot heroes like you pair."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Listen! Do you smell something? This tree! I think it might be alive!!"

Voodoo Snowflakes begins to jump on the tree and attack it.

Evil G: "I swear to God--"

----------

Jim 7: "That's twice now!! Someone's definitely taking my name in vain!!"

Archangel Bertwick: "Well... isn't it more of a title, my Lord?"

Jim 7: "Shut it, Bertwick!"

Archangel Michael: "It might be prudent then, Lord, that you send out some soldiers to investigate and apprehend the intruders into Heaven?"

Jim 7: [/B] "We're on the same wavelength, Mikey."

Archangel Michael: "Uh, my name is Michael, Lord."

Jim 7: "Shut it, Mikey!"

Jim 7 walks to the window where he could see a small horde of angels flying past.

Jim 7: "FLY MY PRETTIES!! FLY!!!!"

Archangel Samael: [/B] "It was only a matter of time before that gag cropped up."

Jim 7: "Alright, now that that's done. Let's get down to some real work!"

Archangel Samael: "What did you have in mind, Sir?"

Jim 7: "I want to build... a go-kart race track! Right here in Burundi... I mean Heaven."

Archangel Michael: "I'm not sure--"

Jim 7: "No one asked for your opinion, Mikey! Bertwick. Get on it. I want it built in less that six days!"

Archangel Bertwick: "Well..."

Jim 7: "Don't give me that, Bertwick! The first of my line built this whole stupid world in that time. You can build me a race track!!"

Angel: "Lord, I have brought a prisoner!!"

Jim 7: "Jesus Christ that was fast! I'll be totally honest with you, I really thought you guys were going to bungle the job. You know, usual red shirt lackey kind of gig. But you really pulled through. Well done. Give yourself a few Brownie points."

Angel: "Uh... well there really was only me. And I kind of stumbled on her, to be honest. But thanks anyway."

Jim 7: "Losien Simon... in my clutches at last..."

Archangel Michael: "Uh, Lord. You're not the Devil anymore... you're God now, remember? You don't need the sinister stuff..."

Jim 7: "Shut it, Mikey!"

Losien: "Look... I just got lost here. My plane crashed... then turned into a submarine... I really don't need any of this trouble..."

Jim 7: "Trouble? This isn't trouble... I'll SHOW YOU TROUBLE!!!"

Losien: :o
2013-09-09, 12:31 PM #1606
Jim 7: "So you see, the trouble I'm having is that the turn on the track is too tight. The karts go whizzing off."

Losien: "My brother used to play with Micro Machines too. I'm not really much use to you on this, Jim."

Jim 7: :(
2013-09-10, 4:54 AM #1607
In the River Nile;

Maeve: "How can you be so rubbish at swimming!? Your name's The Otter!!"

The Otter: "You're not helping!!"

Maeve: "Where did Apple go!? Did it eat her!?"

The Otter: "If it did, it wouldn't be chasing us!"

The two Heroes swim as fast as they can towards the shore. In their panic they didn't see the figure standing on the shore, watching them. When they were finally close to the shore, Maeve lets out a horrified scream as the deadly shark rears up above the water and reveals its gruesome maw.

TLTE: "Raaaaaaaar!!!"

TLTE, who had been standing on the shore, rose from the water and tackled the shark with a roar of manliness. Maeve and Otter continue to swim to shore like little girls.

Once there they stare at TLTE giving a Russian bear hug to the shark.

Maeve: "Jesus... I feel sorry for Losien now. He'd snap her like a twig."

The Otter: "Hey, maybe she likes that kind of thing?"

Maeve: "She doesn't strike me as a B&M diva..."

The Otter stares off into the sky.

Maeve: "Don't go to your happy place at a time like this!"

The Otter: "What else can I do? TLTE is sorting out the shark problem. Leaves me free to dream."

Maeve: "Maybe TLTE can heimlich Apple out of the shark?"

The Otter: "I really don't think it ate her..."

Apple: "Damn right it didn't!"

Maeve and The Otter look around with shock, but see no one.

The Otter: "You do a very good Apple impression, Maeve."

Maeve: "That wasn't me."

Apple: "It was me."

The Otter: "Apple... why do you have psychic powers?"

Apple: "What? I don't! I'm invisible, moron!"

The Otter: "Ooooh. You ditched us to save yourself!?"

Apple: "Damn straight! And that's just what you'd have done, Otter."

The Otter: "No way!! ... maybe."

Maeve: "Why are you invisible?"

Apple: "It's a power I picked up. No idea how, I mean it's not like Losien can turn invisible. Maybe I inherited it from myself?"

Maeve: "Your genetics must be messed up."

The Otter: "Why are you still invisible? Feeling shy in front of TLTE's manly display?"

Apple: "Because my clothes are still in that river. I'll go get them when TLTE knocks out the shark."

The Otter: "Wait... what?"

Apple: "The less I have on, the more invisible I am -- including to smell and everything else. So... insmellable to the shark."

The Otter: "Oh.... so... you're naked right now?"

Apple: "... both of you wipe those smiles off your faces. I'm lucky you can't see anything."

Maeve: "Just the knowledge is good enough."

The Otter: "The imagination runs riot."

Apple: "I hate the both of you now."

Al Ciao: "Hey you two. We heard TLTE bellowing. We thought we'd come and see."

Maeve: "Hey Al. Apple is invisible. And naked."

Al Ciao: "Awesome!!" :D

Lady LightSide: "Hey!"
2013-09-10, 8:42 AM #1608
As Long Xiang soars ever higher, and Gebohq's mind becomes ever higher, Team Amal breach the clouds and fly high over them - a sea of fluffy white. The sun glares brightly at them, but a dark shadow looms against its imposing yellow light. As they near the shadow, its features become clearer, bit by bit.

A massive structure - a city - built in ancient Chinese architecture. From their vantage point the Heroes could see many scenic areas with lakes, gardens and woodland. There seem to be figures walking around below, but very few for such a huge city. Palaces mark several points of the city and the clouds under the city are being used as a decorative feature - pumped up through cloud fountains, cloud lakes, cloud waterfalls.


Gebohq: "Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!"

Subaru: "That's right. This time, you're not imagining it Geb. It really is that weird and beautiful."

Gebohq: "I see pandas."

Subaru: "Okay, so maybe you are still high."

Amal: "Actually... I think there really are pandas walking down there. Walking on two legs... eating fries... talking on cell phones... playing soccer..."

Subaru: "Have you been sipping the Emperor's Special Brew too?"

Amal: "No, seriously. Look closely!"

There was little need, however, as the dragon took them lower and closer to the Forbidden Sky City. The few "people" that the group could see were walking, talking, driving, nose-picking pandas. They didn't wear clothes, but otherwise did as humans might.

The heroes all turn to stare at the Emperor.

The Emperor blinks questioningly at them. Then sips his tea.


Rachel: "Father, they're confused about the pandas."
Emperor Pi: "Oh really? Why?"

Rachel: "The whole... sentient thing."

Emperor Pi: "Ahhhhh! Of course. Easy to forget."

Subaru:
"Seriously? That's easy to forget? I'd hate to see you try to make a shopping list."

Emperor Pi: "Oddly enough that's one of the duties for the pandas."

Antestarr: "Shopping pandas..."

Emperor Pi: "Well, emperors used to have eunuchs to serve them."

Iriana Emp:
[/B] "What is a eunuch?"

Emperor Pi: "Erm... how to put this?"

Everyone look around with uncomfortable glances. Finally Soriel rolls his eyes and answers for the group.

Soriel: "A man who has had his bollocks chopped off."

Iriana Emp: "Oh MY!" :eek:

----------

On the beach Al Ciao rubs his empty crotch with sudden irritation.

Al Ciao: "Hey, wait! Does this make me a eunuch!?"

Apple: "I heard eunuchs can sing really well. Give it a go, Al."

Al Ciao clears his throat.

Five minutes later TLTE come stomping up the beach, having finished off the shark.


TLTE: "If you make horrible noises... ever again... I will feed shark your bones."

Al Ciao: :(

----------

Soriel: "Basically the eunuchs couldn't have sex with the emperors' wives, meaning no one could pass off a child as the emperor's son."

Emperor Pi: "But the whole practice is rather nasty and quite messy. So instead we forcibly evolved pandas to have human-like brains and an opposable thumb!"

Antestarr:
"Yeah, because that's how evolution works..."

Couchman: "And that was the only foreseeable answer to the problem? Why pandas anyway?"

Emperor Pi: "Because this is China."

Couchman: "Well... I suppose it's difficult to argue with that."

Long Xiang growled something.

Emperor Pi: "I think we're about to land. Hold on, everybody."

Couchman: [/B] "You can understand the dragon's language, Emperor?"

Emperor Pi: "No. But when your dog needs to go out you can understand him, correct? Same thing."

Subaru: "I dunno, the closest thing we have to a dog is The Otter. And he usually pees himself when he's sleeping on the couch after a night of whiskey..."

Iriana Emp: "How charming..."

Soriel: "Aren't we coming in a little... fast!?"

Long Xiang, and the basket containing, are hurtling quickly towards the ... floor.

Emperor Pi: "That's why I said you should hold on..."

The Heroes: "Hoooooooooooooooollllly Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!"

Gebohq: "Wweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"

The floor rushes at them and each hero reflects upon their individual lives, except Gebohq who is still high and he reflects upon the peach-flavoured angels living in his ears.

Just as they all thought they would die the dragon stops. The basket swings gently a few inches from the ground and each of them is left speechless. Some of them with wet trousers.


Emperor Pi: "I'm afraid Long Xiang has never quite perfected the art of stopping. Well, at least we arrived in one piece."

Subaru: "I don't know... my mind seems pretty fragmented right about now."

Gebohq: "PANDAAAAAS!!!"

Gebohq proceeds to attack a Random Audience Panda.

Rachel: "Gebohq! No! Don't eat the panda people!!"
2013-09-17, 12:13 PM #1609
Meanwhile, 1000 years into the future...

Apple:
"Wait, what? You can't just skip 1000 years ahead of us without any kind of... of..."

The Otter: "Exposition?"

Apple: "Yeah. Something like that."

Maeve: "You know, you're not exactly the most 'time functional' person around here to criticise others."

Apple: "That just gives me more right! I know what I'm talking about! Sort of."

TLTE: "In Russia time moves slower."

LightSide: "That can't be true..."

TLTE: "Russia is colder than everywhere else. When things are cold, they go slower. So, time is slower in Russia."

Al Ciao: "If I was retarded that would have made sense."

TLTE cracks his knuckles.

TLTE: "That can be arranged, tovarich."

Al Ciao:
*gulp*

----------

Back to our original train of thought, 1000 years into the future...

Apple: "No! Not that again! C'mon!"

Okay, seriously, shut up! Let me finish and maybe you'll figure out where this is going, okay?

Apple: "Stupid Narrator."

Diva Characters...

Apple: "This better be good..."

That's it.

Apple is gagged.

Apple: *murmph!!* :(

1000 years into the future of the NeS we are shown to a high-tech facility deep underground. Somewhat reminiscent of a 007-villain HQ the corridors are very silver and everyone is wearing an orange jumpsuit - except for certain individuals. These individuals are... The Time Cops!!

Apple: *mummmr* :nonono:

The Time Cops wander around the HQ doing their usual daily duties - whatever those are - and the orange jumpsuit people are the engineers, cleaners and whatever other pointless NPCs are around.

Pointless NPC #426: "Hey bro! A little bit more respect! I ain't Point-- wait, is my name Pointless NPC!!!? You motherfu--!"

As we forget about Pointless NPC #426 we move to a new room. The Time Machine Room. Above the machine, which looks like a roller coaster ride, we see the term "Time Enforcement Agency" stamped upon the wall.


Mysterious Person: "Welcome back, Agent Smith."

Frank Smith, Time Cop, stands before a shadowy figure; the Head of TEA. Frank is a 40-year old man looking a little rough around the edges, a little grey and a few crags in his face. But he's fit, strong and healthy and, above all, good at his job.

Mysterious Person: "I was impressed with your actions during that last time rift. A difficult situation but you got it resolved. Even if you did have to pick them up one-by-one."

The Mysterious Person is sat in oh-so-convenient shadows to hide their face. Their face is computerised, but advanced enough to almost sound real - within that uncanny valley. The life and history of the Mysterious Person has never been revealed to any Time Cop.

Frank Smith: "I'm just sorry I couldn't have done better, Sir. That Arena situation was a real mess, craziness everywhere. God knows where they all came from."

Mysterious Person:
[/B] "Careful, Agent Smith. You don't want to attract any undue attention from He Who Must Not Have His Name Taken in Vain."

Frank Smith:
"That's a bit of a mouthful, Sir."

Mysterious Person: "That's what she said!! Ha! Zing!!!" :awesome:

Frank Smith: "..."

Mysterious Person: "Oh. You're gay, right? So... that's what he said?"

Frank Smith: :nonono:

Mysterious Person: "No? Not cool?"

Frank Smith: "Sir, for a mysterious, ominous, shadowy dude you're kind of a jerk."

Mysterious Person: [/B] "Yeah... that's what living over a thousand years does to you."

Frank Smith: [/B] "Good God! You're a thousand years old!?"

Mysterious Person: "Ack! Agent Smith. Don't say HWMNHHNTiV!"

Frank Smith: "Did you really just use that abbreviation, Sir? How are you qualified to be the Head of this organisation again?"

Mysterious Person: "Because I'm stupidly old. Anyway, doesn't matter. Let's get on with this. You've got a new job! Happy!?"

Frank Smith: "Well... yeah. Weird question."

Mysterious Person: "Look, word around the TEA is that you're having a mid-life crisis. So I thought this would give you something to focus on. A bit of detective work, you know?"

Frank Smith: "I'm not having a mid-life crisis!"

Mysterious Person: "You left your husband and ran off with a lad twenty years younger than you."

Frank Smith: "So!? That's my personal life!"

Mysterious Person: "You bought a motorbike."

Frank Smith:
"Motorbike's are cool!"

Mysterious Person: "At forty?"

Frank Smith: "... Damn." :(

Mysterious Person:
"So, let's get you your mojo back! You're to travel 1000 years into the past. We have a bit of a situation with a time-warp entity."

Frank Smith: "Ah. Someone outside of time? Do you want me to return them to their own time or bring them back here?"
Mysterious Person: "It's a special case, Agent Smith. Bring them back here."
Frank Smith: "Any information on the target?"

Mysterious Person: "I'm afraid not. That'd be too easy for you then."

Frank Smith: "... You mean you're not going to tell me?"

Mysterious Person: "That's right! I want you to really be geared u after this mission. Back on track, you know?"

Frank Smith: "... and what happens if I don't get... back on track?"

Mysterious Person: "Your new boytoy likes having his sugar daddy wealthy, right?"

Frank Smith: "Right. Understood. I'll get this done and prove my head's in the right place."

Mysterious Person: "Brilliant. See you in a few seconds, Agent Smith!"

By that, of course, the Mysterious Person actually meant seconds for his time, but not the time for Frank -- which could take weeks.


Mysterious Person: "I'm pretty sure the readers could understand that for themselves, Narrator!"

What the--!? Even newbie shadow characters get to talk back to me now!? There's just no respect for Narrators these days...

Mysterious Person: "There's more than one? You mean we have a choice of Narrator!?"

Moving on--

Agent Frank Smith, Time Cop, sat in the roller coaster machine and pressed a few buttons. The machine belches a lot of steam before it slowly starts to move forward a couple of inches. Then, suddenly, it bursts forward at such a speed it was gone in an instant. The only trace was a loud groaning noise that fades in and out until silence finally fills the Time Room.


Mysterious Person: "Alright... back to playing Pokémon Genesis X568 Infinite Colours."

---------

1000 years into the past Frank Smith slams out of the time stream and back into the real world. Although he left in a time machine, when he appears he has no such machine - transported bodily only. Too many times yobs had stolen time machines parked up and caused all kinds of problems throughout time. Genghis Khan was a classic example of a time-hopping yobo!

Frank Smith: "Alright Cynthai, let's have the low-down so we can get out of here."

Cythai: "Agent Smith, we are currently in the country known as Burundi."

Frank Smith: "You mean Heaven on Earth? That's not so bad. Pretty lucky, actually."

Cynthai: "Actually, Agent Smith, this is when Heaven on Earth was first established under God Jim. This version of Burundi is a war-torn, poverty stricken Hell-hole. Figuratively speaking."

Frank Smith: "Just great. God Jim. You mean Jim 7?"

Cynthai: "Actually the 7 in his name would be redundant as he was not the Seventh God. He was the Seventh Devil. But yes."

Frank Smith: "Where would I be without you, Cynthai?"

Cynthai: "You would be dead, Agent Smith."

Frank Smith: "Thanks for being so blunt."

Cynthai: "In fact, by my calculations, you would be dead approximately 97 times. Lost 308 times. Made 24 false arrests. Stuck in time 65 times. Starved 5 times. And raped by a monkey twice."

Frank Smith: "Please don't rattle off those stats ever again..."

On many occasions Frank Smith had caught some glimpse of satisfaction in the holographic face of CynthA.I. Mk XIV, the computerised A.I. assigned to each Time Cop. The A.I. was supposed to be neutral and yet she brimmed with so much personality that Frank was certain he'd heard her crack more jokes that half the humans in his life... only she did so with that dead-pan computer voice.

The original version of Cynthai had been designed by Proctor Research. TEA bought several installments of the CynthA.I. technology, usually preferring the holographic design rather than the robot. (NSP: The original Cynthai was first introduced by Cool Matty for his Angela Langely character).

After several mix-ups between staff and Cynthais, each hologram version of Cynthia was given a big "H" designed into their foreheads. A la Red Dwarf.

The Cynthai hologram is contained within Frank's watch and can project at any time. She is able to navigate, calculate and do most of the detective work apart from empathy.

Frank Smith follows the navigation on his watch until he finds himself wandering into a white-wooded shack. He looks up.


Jim 7: "Who the Hell're you?"

Frank Smith:
"Whoa!! HWMNHHNTiV!"

Jim 7:
"What? Me no speaky the Chinesey!"

Cynthai: "Actually, Agent Smith, the version of God that you're referring to doesn't yet exist. This is still God Jim."

Jim 7: "God Jim... I like the sound of that. I think Bones in Star Trek says it a lot, right? Cool. Wait, did that woman just imply that I get replaced!?"

Archangel Michael: "That's impossible..."

Archangel Samael: "Shall I throw them into the stratosphere, Sir?"

God Jim: "As awesome as that sounds, Sammy, I think we'll keep them here for now. Throw them in with our other prisoner."

Archangel Samael: "You mean Losien, right?"

God Jim: "Yes! She's a prisoner! Sort of. Make these two help her redesign my race track. I want it done before sunset or they'll get burnt at the stake as heretics!"

Frank Smith: "Do you have the stats for the number of times you've nearly gotten me killed, Cynthai?" :nonono:

Cynthai: "Calculating... innumerable, Agent Smith."

Frank Smith: "What!?"
2013-09-26, 3:36 PM #1610
Cynthai: I'd like to mention that I might have been able to calculate that number if my calculator hadn't been modified to make room for your self-made "buddy cop" subroutine.

Frank Smith: That program is vital to our survival, damn it!
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
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2013-09-28, 6:49 AM #1611
In the Writers' Realm Britt the Writer snaps to attention.

Britt the Writer: *sniff* " I smell... a post!!!"

Britt the Writer stares at the black and green screen of the NeS.

Britt the Writer: "Three... lines..."

Britt the Writer weeps but it is difficult to tell if they are tears of joy for finally seeing another person write a story post or if he is weeping because it was just three lines long...

----------

Cynthai: "Agent Smith, I feel that redesigning a race track for go-karts is not what my advanced intelligence was created for..."

Frank: "You hear this, Miss? This is what I have to put up with. A piece of software that complains... a lot."

Cynthai: "The last time you made such a remark you proposed that we should get a divorce."

Frank: "That was a joke, Cynthai."

Cynthai: "I understand that, Agent Smith. I raised the comment as a means to making you feel socially awkward in front of your new acquaintance and thus establishing my dominance in our relationship."

Losien: "Wait, are you married to the computer?"

Frank: "What!? No!!"

Cynthai: "Success."

Losien: "Yeah, your computer's right. Success, this has gotten socially awkward. Why were you brought here?"

Frank: "I happened to be in the area."

Losien: "Yeah, same here. You'd think it wasn't a free country!"

Frank: "It isn't a free country!"

Losien: "Oh right."

Frank:
"Have you finished redesigning this race track yet, Cynthai? I think we should get out of here."

Cynthai: "Yes."

Frank: "Oh right. I expected some quip remark. Show us a hologram."

Cynthai: "No."

Frank: "What? You can't just say no!"

Losien: "Why won't you show it to us?"

Cynthai: "You didn't say the magic word."

Frank: :nonono:

Losien: "Your AI is an... unusual assistant..."

Frank: "She's getting worse the older she gets."

The door to the room suddenly slams open and God Jim bursts in.

God Jim: "Did you finish my track yet, humans!?"

Losien: "I thought we had until the morning?"

God Jim: "Yeah, well, I got bored. Plus Mikey's an annoying sissy."

Archangel Michael, who had just appeared in the doorway behind God Jim, bursts into tears and runs away to cry in a corner.

God Jim: "See!?"

Frank: "Okay... well yes, we finished it."

God Jim: "Seriously? That quick? If it's rubbish I'm totally going to throw you into a pit of eternal damnation."

From somewhere beyond the door, probably a few rooms away, a voice trails in...

Archangel Samael: "Remember, you're God now, Sir!! No eternal pits of damnation!"

God Jim: "Bugger. What about a pit of eternal... Justin Beiber!"

Losien: "Isn't that a pit of eternal damnation?"
/
God Jim: "Yeah, but it's more camp. So it's okay."

Frank: :nonono:

God Jim: "Anyway, show me my track!"

Frank: "Cynthai, show us the track."

Cynthai: "..."

Frank: "Cynthai, please?"

God Jim: "Did you just say please to a computer?"

Cynthai: "As you can see, Agent Smith, I have just successfully proven my dominance in our relationship by placing you into a position of humility before me. Success."

God Jim: "Wow... dude, you are totally whipped."

Frank: "Cynthai, the track!!"

Light from Frank's watch suddenly explodes in all directions and encapsulates the entire room, showing an immense go-karting track of shininess.

God Jim: "Sweet mother of God..."
2013-10-01, 10:43 AM #1612
The race track spans the entire room and looks complicated but traversible, complete with go-kart racers whizzing around the track and smashing each other with shells and seeking out short cuts. Jim seems impressed. As they stare up at Cynthai's projection with awe Losien begins to frown. She turns to Jim.

Losien: "Mother of God? Does God have a mother?"

God Jim: "It's a trinity thing. Like... God is three entities... the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, right? So the mother of God means the mother of the Son."

Frank: "Wow, that's impressive religious knowledge."

God Jim: "I am God, you know? And before that I was the devil."

Losien:
"So... are you the Father? Do you have a Son?"

God Jim: "..."

Jim stares at Losien as though she had slapped him with a haddock and then stolen his underpants.

God Jim: "BERTWICK!! DO I HAVE A SON!?"

Jim storms off in a panicked rage.

Losien: "Jim Seven with a kid... that'd be horrible."
2013-10-01, 11:57 AM #1613
"Meanwhile, in the dark of the forest..."

Evil G: "Tracer, please don't start narrating."

"The voices of the forest continued to whisper. Whisper like old lovers. When I see a tree, I see a blonde. A brunette. A raven-haired goddess--"

Evil G: "Dude, that's just a fuqing weird thing to say."

"Then, my side-kick was struck by an arrow!" [/I]

Evil G: "Did you just call me your side-kick, or Captain McMuffin over there? Wait, what arro-- ACK!!"

"The arrow stung as sharp as a slap in Winter. The cry of pain was as fierce as... something fierce. A wave of calamity washed over us, silencing the silence of before."

Evil G: "Dude... seriously... your writing sucks. So does this arrow. Pull it out!"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Ensign G, do not pull that out! You'll bleed to death!"

Evil G: "I'm sick of being the ensign, I swear to--"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Don't worry kid, you've got talent. Stick with me and you'll get promoted in no time."

Evil G: "Arsehole."

"As though she had not heard the jibe, Voodoo Snowflakes pulled out a mysterious object. It looked like a watch and had initials embossed--"

Evil G: "I know you want this to be a cheesy noir movie, but that thing doesn't look anything like a watch. And it doesn't have anything embossed into it at all. Actually it looks like an... old tea bag."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "These are some herbs given to me by a wise sage of an ancient alien species. They can heal any wound."

Evil G: "Hey, Captain Braindead! Don't you dare go smearing tea leaves into my -- OUCH!!!"

"I watched as the dame deftly removed the arrow--"

Evil G: "There was nothing deft about it! She just yanked it out like a-- OOOOOUCH!! You just put that old tea bag into my wound!? It hurts like a -- something painful!"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "That's disappointing. It must have lost its potency after all these centuries of her carrying it in her birthing sack."

Evil G: "Or it's because it's just a smelly old tea b- did you say birthing sack? What the Hell's a birthing sack!? If this gets infected I'm totally going to make you lick it clean, you bloody moron!"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Ew."

"Like children playing on a sea-saw in a mid-afternoon park under the fresh sun -- we were innocently caught distracted. Distracted by the unmanly anguish of my side-kick whose youth and inexperience was evident. I blamed myself. I should never have brought him with me. He should have stayed home with his mother. The rookie needed more training--"

Evil G: "I'm ignoring you, you know?"

"--but now was the time to make or break him. He would have to become a man or die trying. Like a boy who--" [/I]

Evil G: "Wait, did you say something about us being distracted?"

Voice: "Damn right you're distracted. You'd think an arrow to your shoulder would have got your attention, but no! You have to wail and cry about it."

Evil G: "She shoved a smelly old birthing-sack teabag into my wound!"

Voice: "Birthing sack?"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "I cannot reveal secrets of alien species to hostile beings! Even ones as beautiful and exotically alluring as you."

Evil G: "Lesbian moment!"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "How many times do I have to tell people that I'm a man!?"

Evil G: "... Serious question. When was the last time you went to the toilet?"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Ensign G, if you continue with your insubordination I will be forced to--"

Voice: "Okay, talk over now. Mr Wit, on your feet."

"The exotic dame raised her bow-and-arrow and aimed it towards my side-kick. His boy-like face blanched. He got up, unsteadily. He cast a meaningful look in my direction. A pleading look of--" [/I]

Evil G: "It was a look of hate, Cake for Brains."

"The female was tall. Her long legs were brown and bare. But the skin was unusual. Unique."

Evil G: "She's made of bloody wood! Wow!"

"Her hair was as green as leaves. Her features handsome. Her body well curved." [/I]

Evil G: "You should have said 'well-carved', haha!" :awesome:

Tree Woman: "Okay, Mr Wit, you first. C'mon! March. You next, Blondie."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Srand Cadpill): "I am not a blonde!"

Evil G: "Okay, new question. When was the last time you looked in a mirror!!?"

Will these three intrepid heroes be able to escape the clutches of the mysterious Tree Woman? Will Sran Cadpill ever realise he is secretly - or not so secretly to everyone else - a woman? And will someone else try to steal my God damn job!? Tune in next time.
2013-10-08, 12:05 PM #1614
Zip-pan to Emperor Pi's hidden palace high above China.

Gebohq: "When was the last time you looked in a mirror..."

He continues his rhetorical question as he smiles at his own reflection in one among a monumental garden of artifacts that the imagination has only been able to call a fauna of mirrors.

Gebohq: "...because you are one good-looking guy, mister."

Rachel: "Really now... Geb! Get away from that before you cause any more trouble. I'm on vacation, and I want a break from my job for once."

Amal: "Emperor Pi, sir, should we be worried about what she just said?"

Emperor Pi shrugs and continues to sip his tea.

Amal: "Wonderful."
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2013-10-20, 11:03 PM #1615
Zip-pan to Heaven on Earth (Burundi).

Losien: "Wonderful. At this rate, I'll be trapped in this hellhole--"

Cynthai: "Heavenhole."

Losien: "--forever. I was just getting the hang of the whole "main character" job too."

Frank Smith: "Look, in case we don't make it out of here, you should know something I've been keeping a secret..."

Losien: "Thank you. I have to confess, when someone would say they were attracted to me before, I wouldn't be able to accept it, and now it really helps me out. I'm afraid I'm already engaged, though--"

Frank Smith: "That's, uh, not what I was going to say."

Losien: "--which is too bad since you're pretty good-looking--huh?"

Frank Smith: "I was going to say that I'm from the future. I'm a time cop, and I may need to relay my mission to you. It risks unacceptable time contamination, but not enlisting your help might utterly destroy the future of humanity."

Losien: "...so you're not hitting on me? I mean, it's OK if you are. Looking back, I've been hit on a lot. And now that I'm a main character, I'm sure it'll only get worse--"

Frank Smith: "I'm gay."

Losien: "Oh."

Cynthai watches in delight as the awkwardness ensues.

Losien: "Well, uh, just a fair warning: you might be, like, turned straight and fall in love with me before long. Main characters have this sort of effect on people."

Frank Smith: "I'll keep that in mind." :rolleyes:

Cynthai: "In the meantime, Agent Smith can help you color-coordinate your cape and shoes."

Losien: "Oooo, really?"

Frank Smith: "Focus! We have a situation on our hands!"

Cynthai: "Yes we do -- that sword does not match her top at all. We'll have to notify the fashion police."

Losien: "Oh no, you're a fashion cop from the future?"

Frank Smith growls in frustration.
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2013-10-21, 7:03 AM #1616
In the Writer's Realm Britt the Writer rushes to Gebohq the Writer's office and barges in with an expression of elation.

Britt the Writer: "You're back!!"

Britt the Writer does not see Gebohq the Writer. In Gebohq the Writer's chair sits a monkey with a "D" cap on his head. He's also wearing a T-shirt that reads "I am Gebohq the Writer. Honestly."

Britt the Writer : :gonk:

----------

In the skies above China;

Soriel: "So what is the purpose of this room?"

Soriel, Princess Iriana, Antestarr, Subaru and Couchman enter the room and stare in awe at the mirrors.


Emperor Pi: "For dressing."

Subaru: "Seriously? All these mirrors... just for dressing."

Gebohq: "You're a woman, shouldn't you appreciate that?"

Subaru: "You sexist bast-"

Princess Iriana: "Well, I know I appreciate a lot of mirrors. One can never be too careful with ones appearance. You never know who is looking."

Princess Iriana begins to prance in front of the fauna of mirrors - admiring herself from every angle.

Couchman: "She's not the only one."
Soriel: "Hold on... is it me, or does each Iriana look... different?"

Amal: "That's a good point."

They all stare at the multitude of Irianas.

Soriel: "Emperor, are they... other Irianas?"

Emperor Pi: "Of course! They're alternate Irianas from alternate universes!"

Princess Iriana:
"I thought you said it was for dressing!?"

Emperor Pi: "It is for me! I always give myself impeccable fashion advice!"

Princess Iriana: "Touché!"

Soriel: "But... if they're alternate universe versions of you - surely there's one of them that doesn't have impeccable fashion sense?"

Emperor Pi: "If there were, I would disown him."

Princess Iriana: "Cheers to that!"

Emperor Pi: "Fortunately, there isn't one. At least not for me. I am not a Central Character. I don't have character development. You lot, on the other hand, do. So you'll see lots of versions of yourself. I just see me, like this."

Soriel: "You can't use NeS rules to counter your own statements."

Emperor Pi: "I can and I did. If you want to see your alternate selves, just take a look in the mirrors."

Soriel: "No thanks."

Amal: "Afraid of what you'd see, Soriel?"

Soriel: "I'm afraid I'd like what I saw."

Princess Iriana: "So if they're all different versions of me - and I look dashing in every universe I see - I wonder what their worlds are like... and what I am like in those worlds!"

As they gaze around the Irianas everyone's eyes stop upon one specific mirror. The version of Iriana displayed is of a confident woman who seems to have a much more intelligent gaze, though darker, than our own Iriana.

Princess Iriana: "Did the Narrator just insult me!?"

Couchman: "The Narrator called you innocent, my dear."

Princess Iriana: "... I'll accept that."

The version on the other side of the mirror suddenly grew aggressive and malevolent. One might imagine flames burning behind her.

Amal: "Wow... what version of Iriana is that!?"

Soriel: "At a guess... it could be the version of Iriana that inherited her father's Powerplaying capabilities and went off her rocker."

The Powerplaying Iriana, dressed in an ornate suit of armour that seemed to glow against the darkness behind her, charges at the mirror - at the heroes.

Soriel: "Is this really about to happen?"

Amal: "I knew Rachel jinxed us!"

Rachel: "Huh!?"

Powerplaying Iriana reaches the "glass" of the mirror on the other side and, after casting an evil look at the watchers --

Subaru: "How does she know we're here!?"

Soriel: "Powerplayer..."

--Powerplayer Iriana casts some kind of magic that explodes! The mirror boundary shatters and causes a ripple effects across all of the mirrors, all of the universes, causing them all to explode!

Amal: "What's going to happen!?"

Soriel: "Will we be able to cross into new worlds?"

Rachel: "Will we be invaded by Irianas!!?"

Couchman: "Will I be able to date all of the Irianas!!!!?" :awesome:

Princess Iriana: "Heeey--"

Subaru: "Tune in next time!"

Don't try to steal my job, guys.

And now, I'll do an epilogue because they stole my lines. No there.

Gebohq rises from the floor where he had lain sprawled from the blast. He rubs his head and looks up to see one solitary mirror left in one piece, lying on its side. He looks into it and does not see himself. His reflection, his alternate self is absent. But he does see something... something corrupting the world beyond the mirror. Something that his alternate self had been running from...


----------

Evil G: "You know these boots weren't made for walking, right?"

Tree Woman: "Shaddap."

Evil G: "Why is it you exotic-creature-ladies are always so damn sexy?"

Tree Woman: "Didn't I just tell you to shaddap?"

Evil G: "Well, I think you're all bark and no bite."

Tracer: "Did you just steal one of Rachel's lines?"

Tree Woman: "You're asking me to bite you?"

Evil G: "Well, if you insist. I do like it a bit rough."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Fornication with the local flora is strictly prohibited, ensign!"
2013-10-23, 8:27 AM #1617
Al Ciao: Is it just me, or are we missing our fearless leader?

TLTE: Da. The love of my life was snatched away by a winged harbinger of ill tidings.

Maeve: Are you seriously just NOW noticing this, Al? I figured cyborg enhancements would increase your spatial awareness or some such.

Al: Well, it does include an onboard computer.

Maeve: Well then, shouldn't it be alerting you to things going on around you or something?

Al: It's still running MS-DOS.

Maeve: Oh.

Al: But I've successfully gotten Minesweeper to run on it! :awesome:

TLTE: We are here in the most hellish--

Lady Lightside: Heavenly.

TLTE: --place on earth, on YOUR account, and Losien's gotten kidnapped, and you're busy playing Minesweeper on your onboard computer?!

Al: With pure mental commands, too! Isn't it grand?

TLTE: ....

Al: Oh hey, where did Evil G and Captain Coconut go?

Maeve: .....seriously?
2013-10-23, 8:49 AM #1618
Evil G: Hey, if I want to fornicate with the local flora, that is strictly MY business--

Tree Woman: Isn't that a wedding ring on your finger?

Evil G: Hey, if a little tea-drinking Chinese dude can have a harem, so can I!

Tree Woman: I think you need to shut up now.

Evil G: Well, I wood, if it weren't for the feelings you're leafing in me.

Voodoo: Ensign, your puns are getting much worse.

Tree Woman: And why does your third compatriot keep muttering under his breath?

Evil G: He's narrating. Or thinks he is.

Voodoo: Don't be daft, ensign! Lieutenant Tracer is recording logs of our mission. This is why you're an ensign and I'm a captain!

Tree Woman: Right then. Here we are.

They are in a clearing of the forest, in the center of which is a giant tree. Vines lash out of the ground to bind our three sort-of heroes.

Voodoo: State your purpose at once! Release us!

Evil G: Ooooh, kinky, I like it.

Tree Woman: My kind, the dryads, have come to Burundi to reclaim its natural beauty, since it is expected that war and violence will soon end now that Heaven is here.

Evil G: I dunno, Heaven's angels seem pretty violent when they kick ass.

Tree Woman: But for our forests to thrive once more, we need... mulch.

Voodoo: Dear God! We're going to be ground into little bits and crushed to make fertilizer!

The Tree Woman looks horrified.

Tree Woman: Of course not! What do you think we are, fauna?

Evil G: Then what DO you want? Other than to sex me, hopefully.

Tree Woman: We just need your manure.

Evil G: ...say what?

Viines of fruit grow spontaneously out of the ground, proferring themselves within reach of the sort-of heroes, ready sources of fiber to be digested and expelled into fertilizer.

Evil G: I gotta say, this is one kink I'm NOT into.....
2013-10-24, 6:48 AM #1619
In another time, another place, another paradigm...

Iriana the High Princess: Now my conquests are complete. The entire universe bows down to me, and now I shall crush even you, my last and greatest adversary.

High Cherub Imp-Phim: No! In the name of my father, I shall oppose you... but I don't have to, because you've already lost.

Iriana: Ha! What makes you say such a thing?

The daughter of High Imp and Sera Phim smiles tightly at the armored powerplayer. Thunder cracks around them, appropriately, as they face each other on the deck of the Powerplayer Force Prime Hovercarrier high above London.

Cherub: Look closely, very closely at what you've done. You've subjugated the Magium, slaughtered the Olympians, made Master Thand your b*tch, and abolished all the pacts I've made in the name of my father to oppose you.

The lovely young woman with bold red hair displays the two broken halves of her Warlock-spear, a trident made of pure white energy, which was severed by Iriana's black sword Drynyrn, inherited from her own father. Iriana laughs derisively.

Iriana: You aren't exactly helping your case.

Cherub: Ah, but that's where you're wrong. You see... no one is paying attention to your exploits.

Iriana: You-- wha?

Cherub: You have no story, no audience, no narrative, no writer. No one cares. You are simply the ruler of a universe that is lost amidst the omniverse. You're only a mere alternate version of another Iriana in a world known as the NeSiverse - THAT world has a story.

Iriana fumes, but then her features light up in a devilish display of delight.

Geb: Oooh, nice alliteration, Narrator!

The High Princess of Powerplayers yanks on the former Storywielder's chain, as he is bound next to her, and he whimpers, falling silent.

Iriana: Shaddap, Uncle, I didn't give you leave to speak. Cherub, it appears I must thank you for opening my eyes. I shall go to this NeSiverse, replace my alternate, subjugate that world, and then, at the center of that piddling story, I shall conquer all universes everywhere, turning whatever pitiful excuse of a tale now focuses on this NeSiverse into the grandest and greatest of epics!

The powerplaying princess clenches her fist, and a mirror from her luxurious bathroom in her Hovercarrier quarters shoots up through the deck, bursting apart metal but remaining unharmed. Iriana waves her hand, flicking between alternate universe reflections, until she finds a rather prissy, snooty, tea-drinking girl staring at her.

Iriana: Mine.

Brandishing the black Drynyrn, she charges at the mirror, then THROUGH it. There is a tremendous explosion, and when the smoke clears, the Powerplaying Princess is gone, leaving behind only wisps of smog and shattered glass.

Geb: :omg: She's doomed for sure!

Cherub: Exactly. In a story, powerplayers are not, cannot, be tolerated. She has done so well here because there is no story; there, she must eventually fall.

Geb: Huh? I just meant she's got seven years of bad luck!

Cherub: .... :nonono:
2013-10-29, 9:54 AM #1620
In the forests of Burundi the sexy tree-like dryad women--

Evil G: "Should I have made some kind of 'wet' joke by now?"

-- have started to bring the three trapped heroes some food. A lot of food.


Evil G: "Usually I'd be really pleased there's so many women trying to fatten me up, but right now..."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "I am concerned about this food. I see... cake... omelettes... croissants... baked alaska... what do they use for cooking?"

Evil G: "I feel a... wave of fridge logic passing over us."

Tracer: "As the crazy dames brought us ever more dishes I had to come up with a plan of escape. The buster with the mouth could distract the dame with the long pins, no problem. He could bump gums with anyone til the cows came home. When their boss was occupied I could lure the grunts in real close, feigning weakness. I have a rod or two stashed away for close calls like this. A snap move and I'd have one of the rubes throttled with a gun barrel to her wooden dome. The lead broad wouldn't let her own goon be rubbed-off over a pile of crap..."

The dryads look at each other, then stare at Tracer.

Evil G: "Dude! I'm going to stitch your trap together!"

Tracer: "Somehow I'd been made. I didn't expect one of these gals to be a sleuth. The tree-dames're wiser than I expected."

Evil G: "If I let you keep these two, can I go?"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "No man gets left behind, ensign! Straighten up, don't give in to their torture! We'll make it through this - together!"

Evil G: "Actually, you could just kill me. I'd be happy with that right now."
2013-10-30, 9:14 AM #1621
Floating through the nethersphere that borders the realm of The Never-Ending Storyverse and fan-fiction turned erotica novels, Ahnuld continues his quiet descent into non-existence. Without a purpose or a place in this always expanding macrocosm, his seemingly ancient robotic mind continues its futile attempt to piece together the bits and bytes of story-arcs past.

Adventures, typos, plot holes-- all of them continuously being re-imagined and re-lived through the digital inkwell. His solder filled brain soldiers on through vast technological advancements and witty one liners. His hard-drive has been filled with petabytes of chain e-mails and cat videos throughout his years of inactivity.

To compute a purpose-- to discover ones place inside the Never-Ending Storyverse once again....that would require a defrag of immense, enormous, massive, elephantine proportions. A defrag so large that it takes a string of four synonymous adjectives to describe. Ahnuld realized the daunting nature of such a task many moons ago, and had decided that he would defrag after 'one more video'. That decision was made almost ten years; or four-hundred-thousand cat videos ago. Now, too cluttered from instant gratifications to make even one more computation...

Start. Shut Down. OK.
Think while it's still legal.
2013-10-30, 11:10 PM #1622
Having just arrived from one of his billion jaunts across time-and-space, the long exiled Highemperor (exiled from the NeS that is) came across the... shut downed... ... bugger it, dead, body of Ahnuld floating through the Nethersphere. Highemperor himself had just arrived from the Netherquadrilateral, found the scenes somewhat... perplexing. Using his stupidly annoying Powerplaying skills he reads the reason for Ahnuld's... death. He realises that he, too, has no place in the grand Nesiverse and so he dies... But then he's suddenly reborn as... AL CIAO!

Witness the secret origins of Al Ciao!!!!


He realised that it was, indeed, futile to keep one's place within the NeS and therefore he had to become as changeable as the NeS itself, or become stagnant and forgotten. When there's a will, there's a way.

Al Ciao: "Stupid robot."

The new, orange-haired, incarnation of Highemperor then hitches a lift on a passing interdimensional travelling Communist aeroplane and rejoins the NeS way back when.

Now, true believers, we return to the world of the current NeS and a more jovial Al Ciao is utilising his own, newly acquired, robotic skills.

Al Ciao: "Hey, look what I can do!"

Al Ciao strains.

His eyes pop out.


Apple: :gonk:

Maeve: "That was singularly the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."

Al Ciao shoves the robo-eyes back into his skull.

Al Ciao: "It's awesome right!?" :D

TLTE: "We should continue the search for Losien."

Al Ciao: "Yeah, then I can show her my neat eyeball trick. I wonder what else is detachable."

The Otter: "I guess your wang is going to be detachable when you get it back..."

Al Ciao: "Yeah!! Then I can have sex in one room and play Skyrim in the other!! Sweet!"
Lady LightSide: :gonk:

Maeve: "Stupid robot..."

----------

Elsewhere in Burundi our three "heroes", if we can actually call them that, are still trapped by the dryads who are expecting... manure.

Tree Woman: "So, now you're all full it's just a matter of time."

Voodooo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "I'll hold it in! We can do this! You won't break us!"

Evil G: "I honestly thought my dignity couldn't get any lower in this story..."

The dryads suddenly become quiet and bow down in the soil. The three heroes look around, perplexed.


Evil G: "Did the Queen of England just arrive?"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Or the Queen of Zogbar?"

Evil G: "You just made that up."

Tree Women: "All hail, Queen of the dryads!"

Tracer: "Probably should have guessed that, rubes."

Evil G: "What the Hell is a rube?"

Tree Women: "All hail... Sarah Palin!!"

Evil G: "You've got to be kidding me..."

Tracer: "Even I didn't see that one coming..."

Evil G: "I'm surprised you see anything coming!"

Sarah Palin: "You caught three foreigners?"

Evil G: "Foreigners? You're American!"

Sarah Palin: "Burundi is part of the USA."

Evil G: "How do you figure that?"

Sarah Palin: "Well, if you look at a map... Burundi is kind of close to Alaska..."

The three heroes look at each other. Even Voodoo Snowflakes seems to realise there's something wrong with that sentence.

Sarah Palin: "And we do trade!"

Evil G: "I'm not sure those're grounds for--"

Sarah Palin: "We do trade!!!!"

Evil G: "Fine, fine. Whatever. Wait, what the Hell does Burundi have that the US would want?"

Sarah Palin: "Angel feathers."

Tracer: "That sounds stupid... but also pretty sinister."

Sarah Palin laughs maniacally.

Then she clears her throat and continues like nothing ever happened.


Sarah Palin: "So... where are you from?"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "I am from the year 2079, born on the space station--"

Sarah Palin: "Foreigner."

She turns to Evil G.

Evil G: "America. Biatch."

Tracer: " I thought one of your parents was British?"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): [/B] "And an alternate dimension?"

Evil G: "Traitors!"

Sarah Palin: "I'm not sure which I hate more... the fact that you're half British--"

She pits the word.

Sarah Palin: "--or from an alternate dimension of Britain!"

Evil G: "C'mon! I was born in America--"

Sarah Palin: "Foreign!!"

Tracer: "I'll beat you to the punch, chippy. I'm pure-blooded American."

Evil G: "I know a chippy is a place you buy chips in England..."

Tracer: "It means a woman of easy virtue..."

Sarah Palin: "Ah!! You British-scum!"

Evil G: "You're raging at me and he calls you that?"

Sarah Palin turns to her dryad minions. She points at Evil G and Voodoo Snowflakes.

Sarah Palin: "These two are inferior. Take them down."

The two of them are released by the vines and dragged away from Tracer.

Evil G: "Tracer! You traitor!"

Tracer: "In a dog-eat-dog world, a man has to look out for number one..."

Sarah Palin: "Actually it's your number two we want."

Tracer: "What?"

Sarah Palin: "I told you, ladies. Only American manure will do! If you fertilise a tree with British manure, what do you get? British trees! Get rid of these two and keep this one."

Tracer: "Duped by a broad..."

Evil G: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" :neckbeard:

Sarah Palin: "When I say 'get rid of' I mean feed them to the Sarlacc."

Evil G: :gonk:
2013-11-09, 1:34 PM #1623
Meanwhile (NeS count: infinity plus one more than you say), in the Haunted House of He--

Chance: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! EH!-EH!-AAAAAAAaaa..."

Shuffling into the makeshift nursery room for baby Chance is his young mother, Young. She picks up the wailing newborn.

Young: "Whutzamatta, lil man? Wanna bottle?"

She offers the bottle to him. Despite several attempts, he refuses with more wailing.

Young: "Mebbe you wanna--"

Chance: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Young: "So loud... ugh... I'll be right back, my prince..."

Young shuffles out of the nursery room as Chance continues crying. After stepping out, some of the resident ghosts float into the room to survey the situation.

Ghost #1: "Man, that baby is scarier than we could ever be!"

Ghost #2: "I don't know. Sure, the job of a new parent presents horrors that the likes of us pale in comparison with, and it's not all that surprising--"

Chance interrupts them with his sudden silence. He turns his gaze to them, his eyes wide and full of dread awareness.

Chance: "The end is here."

The ghosts look far more concerned than the dead should be. Chance returns to wailing at the top if his lungs.
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2013-11-21, 6:09 AM #1624
We go to Sarah Palin's flying sail barge, brandishing a gigantic print of the US flag on its side.

Evil G: "She has a what now?"

The Palin Barge floats above the forest with a smaller version being towed alongside. On the small prison craft is Evil G and Voodoo Snowflakes guarded by a few dryads. Up on the Palin Barge is Sarah Palin holding a leash fastened around Tracer's neck. You don't want to know what Tracer is wearing.

Evil G: "I wish I didn't know."

Tracer: "Kill me now..."

Sarah Palin: "All in good time."

The Palin Barge came to a slow stop, as did the smaller prisoner boat. Evil G peers over the edge of the floating boat and see down below a deep pit in the middle of the Burundian forest. In the pit is a big, snapping Sarlaac straight out of Star Wars.

One of the dryads pushes Evil G onto a diving board.


Evil G: "Diving board!?"

Uh... I mean plank.

Evil G looks up towards the Palin Barge.


Evil G: "This is your last chance, Palin. Surrender or die!"

Sarah Palin: "Push him in!"

Evil G holds out his hand.

...

Nothing happens.

...


Evil G: "MORRIS! FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
Morris the Cat stops trying to eat a random droid aboard the Palin Barge.

Morris the Cat: "Alright, alright! Don't get your panties in a twist!"

Morris begins hacking up objects.

A furball.

A baseball.

A turtle.

A plasma TV.

Justin Beiber.


Sarah Palin: "What the--!?"

Justin Beiber: "It was... so dark..."

Morris the Cat: "Whoops! I'll take that one back."

The cat's jaws expand to an enormous size and swallow Justin Beiber whole. Again. He then throws up something else and tosses it into the air.

Evil G leaps hops off the plank, grabs the ledge and then hurls himself back into the air to catch the NeverSword!


Evil G: "I rock!"

Sarah Palin: "How did that fat cat get up here anyway!? Someone stop those non-Americans from ruining my plans!"

Evil G: "Hey! I'm like half-American. Sort of. Okay, tree-ladies! Back off or I'll have to use my... long, firm blade on you."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Ensign, if I could demote you further, I would."

On the Palin Barge Morris the Cat chomps through Tracer's chains, thus freeing him from Jabba-the-Palin, uh I mean Sarah Palin.

Tracer threatens to throttle Sarah Palin with his chains but then backs down.


Tracer: "Being an old fashioned kind of guy, it ain't possible for me to bump off a broad. Even an ugly one."

Sarah Palin: "That suits me just fine."

Sarah Palin kung-fu kicks Tracer.

Tracer falls to the floor, knocked out cold.

Evil G: "MORRIS! EAT PALIN!!"

Morris the Cat: "I already have Justin Beiber in there! I can only digest one menace to society at a time!!"

Evil G: "Alright. Why don't we ask the audience? Who is the greater menace to society? Justin Beiber or Sarah Palin? Please send in your answers!"
2013-11-24, 12:07 AM #1625
Fred, Teh Uber Blade: "I still resent being compared to a fashion accessory."

Carlotta the Cape: "And I'll have them know that I go with anything!"

Losien: "Could you two stop complaining now?"

Frank: "I didn't realise I was complaining."

Losien: "Not you. My sword. My cape."

Frank: :huh:

CynthAI: "Assessment of current companion. Downloading. Bat**** crazy basketcase."

Losien: "No! I'm not crazy! Really my cape talks to me all the time. And my sword."

Frank: "That didn't really change the assessment..."

Losien: "A man I know let me use his sword."

Frank: "Been there."

Losien: "No no. I mean he could talk to his sword too!"

Frank: "I don't think I've ever met a guy that did that before. Some have named their... swords though."

Losien: "Oh he did! The sword is called Fred."

Frank: "Okay... I think I'm getting the picture. Clearly you're mentally incapable and this man has abused you. Why don't you tell me where the bad man is and I'll have a word with him about adult responsibilities."

Losien: "You mean Soriel? I suppose he is a bit of a bad guy. Or used to be. He killed me and my brother once. As well as everyone else."

Frank: "Is killed some kind of euphemism? He did this to your brother as well as you? Does your brother share the same... mental instability that you do?"

Losien: "Well, Gebohq--"

Frank: "Bless you."

Losien: "No no, that's his name."

Frank: "Your brother's name is a sneeze?"

CynthAI: "I thought it sounded more like a hacking cough."

Frank: "Well whatever the boy's name is, clearly he and you are in need of some protection from this Soriel guy."

Losien: "Soriel's okay now. We forgave him. He's been really relaxed and nice since he gave me his sword."

Frank: "That's always the way, right? Once they've got what they came for..."

Losien: "I really feel we're getting mixed up here."

Frank: "I'd say things are perfectly clear. Unfortunately I've got a mission to deal with first. But after that I'll help you and your brother deal with your... friend."

CynthAI: "Perhaps this explains why she believes every man may fall in love with her. Clearly she is a disturbed individual."

Frank: "Okay. First thing's first. We have to escape Jim."
Losien: "I was thinking of climbing out of the window."
Frank: "Aren't we on, like, the two-hundredth floor?"

CynthAI: [/B] "Two-hundred and seventy-first floor, to be precise."

Frank: "Yeah, I can see the flaw with your plan, Losien. Maybe we should let the adult make the decisions, eh?"

Losien: "I want to go through the window."

Frank: "Wait... why do I have the sudden urge to follow you out of that window?"

Losien: "Because I'm the Main Character! My plan is the one people will always follow!"

Frank: "That's ridiculous."

Losien: "Do you want to go through the window first?"

Frank: "Yes."
2013-11-24, 3:16 PM #1626
Powerplayer Iriana: "Yes! Yes!"

Hidden high above the lands of China, the powerplayer Iriana laughs with power-maddening glee as her mere presence causes little rocks to rise by her feet. A janitor panda stares at the debris he failed to clean, sheds a single tear, and shuffles away.

Powerplaying Iriana: "Soon, this new world will be all mine!"

Amal: "Not if we can help it!"

Brandishing his blade, Amal charges forth to strike down the powerplayer Iriana. Unfortunately, for him, the powerplayer Iriana is one of the most heinous of powerplayers, having inherited her lust for control and attention from her father, Highemperor. With a deft backhanded swing, she sends Amal flying back towards the other heroes. Fortunately, for him, Emperor Pi is a good catch, having caught Amal without dropping his tea. By now, the Emperor's personal elite forces have entered the scene in attempt to quell the powerplaying Iriana.

Subaru: "She utterly outclasses even Amal! We're screwed, aren't we?"

Antestarr: "Yes, until someone who specializes in maintaining a balance of conflict and knocking powerplayers down a peg steps in at least."

Everyone turns their attention to Rachel, the resident Protector of the Plotfractal armed with her Powerplayer-Smacking Frying Pan.

Rachel: "Yeah right! You guys barely tried!"

The powerplaying Iriana, meanwhile, smacks away Ultimate Earth-Shattering Attacks from the Emperor's personal elite forces with one hand, covering a yawn with the other.

Rachel: "...like I said, you all can handle it. I've got a romance to rekindle here!"

Gebohq: "That can wait, Rachel! We've got bigger fish to fry--"

Rachel: "Nothing's more important than our relationship!"

Gebohq: "But I've got to stop the Ever--"

Couchman: "I better not be hearing heroism over there, good sir! You've been given lee-way as it is to enjoy a sabbatical from your new teaching position!"

Soriel: "Isn't that what you're doing?"

Couchman: "It's true, I'm guilty... guilty of love!"

Couchman stands to defend his new love, the non-powerplayer Princess Iriana.

Iriana Emp: "As you should."

Rachel: "See, Geb? Love conquers all. Now come with me!"

Gebohq looks upon the others helplessly as Rachel drags him away by his hand and out of sight. The powerplaying Iriana, at this point, has obliterated all of the Emperor's personal elite forces by this point, and turns her attention to the other heroes. Amal, meanwhile, is writing something down on a notice sign board.

Antestarr: "It was nice living while it lasted."

Soriel: "Indeed."

Just as the powerplaying Iriana unleashes a searing beam of destructive power upon the heroes, a gold and silver streak zips by them. When the powerplayer Iriana's blast clears, a sign reads:

"Better luck next time!"

Signed,
Amal & Co."


Powerplayer Iriana: "Curses! When I find them, they'll be sorry they mocked me..."

----------------------------

Far away, and now descending from the sky gracefully, Amal, Antestarr, Subaru, Soriel, Couchman, Iriana, and Emperor Pi are held, two each in the massive claws of a golden-skinned, silver-haired snake-like dragon. With gentle care, the dragon places each upon the ground before landing itself by their side. Emperor Pi guards his emotion as he looks upon the dragon.

Emperor Pi: "Long Xiang...thank you."

Long Xiang appears to flash an arrogant smile at the Emperor. Amal quickly steps forward and kowtows to the dragon, who nods his head to Amal in response.

Subaru: "Did you summon him back there?"

Amal: "Not really, no. I just made it a point to establish our situation as hopeless and banked on story convention to save us."

Soriel: "We need to hide until we come up with a plan of attack."

Antestarr: "The most boring hideout we can find. It's our only hope against a powerplaying drama queen."

Couchman: "I say, is anyone else hungry?"

Long Xiang utters something in his ancient tongue, and Emperor Pi sighs.

Emperor Pi: "Long Xiang knows of such a place, and can take us there."

------------------------------

Back at the Emperor's Hidden Palace in the Sky, the powerplaying Iriana screams in frustration as she uncovers hidden alcove after secret room with no sign of the heroes.

Powerplayer Iriana: "I can gaze past the Veil of Omniscience, I can peer past the Seven Celestial Senses, and I can even see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch! WHY CAN'T I FIND THOSE MISERABLE INSECTS?!"

------------------------------

Meanwhile, at a nearby Chinese Denny's, Amal and company are seated together in an outdoors section. Emperor Pi appears most displeased as he is seated next to Long Xiang.

Emperor Pi: "They don't even serve tea here."

Couchman: "At this rate of service, they might not be servicing at all. MA'AM! We're ready to order at this table, please!"

Red: >.>

(NSN: Completely forgot Long Xiang was already introduced and used, hence setting him up in this post as if he's something new. Eh, still works anyway, so I just tweaked some stuff. Need to work on introducing contest entries that haven't been used yet!)
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2013-12-04, 11:13 PM #1627
Finally the heroes sitting in Denny's are served!!

Amal: "It only took half a day..."

Soriel: "It's because they're racist. Remember all those lawsuits?"

Amal: "Racist against who?"

Soriel: "Well, the Emperor is Chinese..."

Amal: "I thought this was a Chinese Denny's?"

Soriel: "That's why he got his food hours ago."

Emperor Pi waves chopsticks at the waiter for extra servings and instantly gets heaps of extra food.

Amal: "Right..." Amal pokes his own food with his chopsticks. It growls at him.
Amal: "I think I lost my appetite."

Antestarr fumbles with his chopsticks, almost poking Subaru's eye out.

Subaru: "Why have I never taught you to use chopsticks before?"

Couchman: "Why are you even eating? Don't you just drink blood?"

Antestarr stares at Couchman.


Antestarr then bursts into tears.

Subaru: "Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to be so melodramatic, baby."

Antestarr: "You'll never understand how I feel!!!!!"

The NeSferatu runs to the W.C. to cry in a toilet stall. Unfortunately the queue for Denny's bathroom is a mile long.

He goes outside to get to the back of the queue.

Couchman: "That boy has serious issues."
2013-12-05, 2:17 AM #1628
Apple: "Fuq this!!"

Apple wills herself into invisibility, every inch of her skin becoming transparent. However parts of her silhouette were still slightly visible - her clothing. Quickly she begins to get undressed.

The Otter: "It's barely visible but... man I have a great imagination."

Maeve: "This is a great experience."

Apple: "If you'd rather watch me getting undressed than saving yourselves, then I hope you enjoy the remaining seconds of your life."

Maeve and The Otter are torn. They want to savour every second if the tantalising show, but the cries of angry angels zooming down towards them is fairly distracting.

Maeve: "Bugger it. Let's leg it!"

The Otter: "But--"

Maeve: "That precious memory is worthless if you're too dead to remember and think about it."

Apple: "You guys..."

TLTE stands tall and proud in the face of the angelic horde. He cracks his neck, then pulls out his assault rifle from the still-wet trenchcoat.

Al Ciao:
"Uh... dude, shouldn't we be running for our lives?"

TLTE: "As a rule... my life is usually running after me."

Al Ciao:
"Because you're Russian?"

TLTE: "Because I am, how do you say? Awesome."

TLTE opens fire at the descending angels sent by The Lord God, Jim. Bullets struck the swarm, causing cries of battle to become cries of pain and anguish. But their numbers are vast.

Al Ciao: "Well... I won't argue with you. But I think I'll head off. To protect my wife, I mean. Yeah. Okay, good luck!"

Al Ciao runs after his wife, Lady LightSide.

TLTE: "Come on, Capitalist birds-myths!"

Angel #426: "What did he call us?"

Angel #689: "Well, the Church has always been pretty eager for cash. Just look at the Vatican."

Angel #426: "Yeah but... bird-myths?"

Angel #689: "Communism is pretty anti-religious."

Angel #426: "Do I look like a myth to you!?"

Angel #689: "Don't be such a wingist!!"

Next minute both Angel #689 and Angel #426 are taken out in a hail of bullet fire.

Angel #426: "This... sucks..."

-----------

Morris has to make a split decision. He pukes up Justin Bieber again and instead he eats Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin: "What the --!? I work for the government of the U.S.A.!! You can't do this to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!!!!"

The dryads, now free from Palin's control, begin to fawn over Justin Bieber.

Dryad #426: "Oooooooh! You're so pretty, Justin!"

Dryad #689: "I've never loved anything so... human before!"

Dryad #266: "Oh my! His hair is so enticing! I will do anything you tell me to do, Justin!!"

Evil G, from his small floating boat, watches at the dryads all bow down to Justin Bieber. In homage to Magneto in the X-Men, Evil G stares with horror muttering his regret.

Evil G: "What have I done?"

----------

Lady LightSide: "Wait for me, Al!"

Al Ciao: "Oh right, yeah."

Lady LightSide: "You're such a coward, Al."

Al Ciao: "I'm not a coward! I just have a keen survival instincts."

Lady LightSide: "Help me up this rock."

Al Ciao: "Careful, dear. We don't want to risk injury in your condition."

Lady LightSide: "Well, running from angry angels probably hasn't helped."

Al Ciao helps his wife clamber up a small hillock and at the top they meet Maeve and The Otter, who are lying flat on their backs.

The Otter: "Too... much... running..."

Maeve: "No... energy... left..."

Al Ciao: "You two are so unfit."

Maeve: "Says... Mr... Robo-legs."

Apple: "Actually they just ran too fast. I've never seen anything like it. Their legs were like blurred circles."

The Otter: "Apple... is... naked again."

Al Ciao: "Awesome!" :D

Lady LightSide: "Why are you all cowards? TLTE is back there alone!"

The Otter: "What could... we... do?"

Lady LightSide: "You're all heroes, or have you forgotten that?"

The Otter: "Oh... yeah..."

Lady LightSide: "You have your magical fire powers, right Otter?"

The Otter: "I... guess..."

Lady LightSide: "Al, you have new robot powers!"

Al Ciao: "S'pose so..."

Lady LightSide: "Apple has zero excuse, you're like an invisible-ninja-assassin or something."

Apple: "I just didn't want to expend my energy saving you lot."

Lady LightSide: "And Maeve you... errr..."

The Otter: "She has lesbian powers!"

Apple: "Otter, you're an idiot."

Maeve: "I went to Hero College, you know!? I have a bachelors in Heroism and basket-weaving!"

Lady LightSide: "So you see? You should stop running away from everything! Which is good because those angels totally followed my slow pregnant arse up here."

A group of angels suddenly emerge from below the hillock's horizon. They glow with a menacing holy aura.

Lady LightSide: "Now! Everyone attack!"

Al Ciao's robo-chest opens to reveal a huge circular mechanism. It quickly charges up with a bright white light and then... pops open to reveal a freshly baked chocolate muffin. The Otter stands up with a rare look of determination in his eyes. Fire bursts from his hands! And sets himself on fire.

Lady LightSide: "Maeve!?"

Maeve: "Uh... I drank a lot at College. I can't exactly remember... much."

Lady LightSide: "Apple!?"

Apple: "I am so not interested in saving your sorry asses."

Lady LightSide: "What would your mother say to that attitude!"

Apple: "Something incredibly dull and condescending. Fine. Consider them all dead."

The first angel to approach Lady LightSide is instantly struck down dead in a spray of blood, the others subsequently follow suit in an equally gory display of violence - all committed by an unseen force of death.

Lady LightSide: "... actually I don't think Losien would approve of all this killing."

Apple: "That's what you asked me to do!"

Lady LightSide: "Surely you can incapacitate rather than murder!?"

Apple: "As Master Thand always said to me... eliminate the problem completely, and the problem is over. Incapacitate the problem and the problem will come back to bite you on the ass later."

Lady LightSide: "That last part part didn't quite sound very Thand-like."

Apple: "That's basically what he said."

----------

We now pan, far, far away from Burundi and we focus upon the White House in the United States of America. Within the walls, staff are wandering around doing... whatever the Hell they do.

A man, with a cheesy smile, enters the oval office and meets the President sitting behind his desk.


Spin Doctor: "Good afternoon, Mr President! How are we today?"

President: "I've got a big job for you, Spin Doctor."

Spin Doctor: "Well, you know me! I could make mass murder look divine!"

President: "Sarah Palin is dead."

Spin Doctor: "... Mr President, are you sure you even need me to spin that one? The people of America will probably rejoice at the new anyway."

President: "Please make it a positive image, Spin Doctor. She died for her country. For the world. For the NeS."

Spin Doctor: "Sir, I think you're about to talk about something that's far above my pay grade... and my character's standing."

President: "I'm going to need to divulge some information with you, Spin Doctor, because I fear information may become a serious concern in the coming future. I need you to handle anything that comes my way."

Spin Doctor: "No problem, Mr President. Can I ask... how did you know about Palin? She's been on assignment abroad for a while now."

The US President got up and moves an eagle statue. The painting hanging on the wall is suddenly revealed to be a secret monitor! A fuzzy face appears and gradually becomes clearer. Thrawn42689.

President: "Thrawn42689 has infected the NeS and is able to see through the eyes, or even take control of, any NPCs the NeS might generate. I saw Palin eaten by a cat through the eyes of dryad NPCs."

Spin Doctor: "Ah, that finally explains why so many NPCs kept being numbered as 689 or 426 or... whatever other variation."

President: "Exactly. With Thrawn in the NeS System, I can watch the entire NeS right now."

Spin Doctor: "Can we look into the women's bathroom?"

President: "..."

Thrawn42689: "The angels in Burundi continuously fall to the NeS Heroes. I am losing eyes on them. President Thand, what is the next course of action?"

President Arkng Thand: "Infiltrate them."
2013-12-10, 8:35 AM #1629
Elsewhere in Burundi wind lashed at the clothes of Losien and Frank as they edged along a narrow platform, away from the window of their former prison.

CynthAI: "I feel... a strange sensation. Like something is happening to my core programs."

Frank: "Mine too, Cynthai! It's called being ****-scared!!"

CynthAI: "If you fall, Frank, I will never forgive you."

Frank: "I'll keep that in mind."

Losien: "Look! What's going on there!?"

In the distance they can see a gaggle of angels all jostling with each other as they drew closer and closer to Jim's Heavenly fortress of Divine Heavenliness.

Then they see a man fall.

Losien:
"TLTE!"

The angels whiz down after him. It becomes apparent that the angels are trying to take TLTE back to Jim, but - even when suspended thousands of miles up - TLTE is not being captured without a few broken noses, bruised ribs and many black eyes.

Losien: "I have to rescue him!"

Frank: "How!?"

She watches as the angels pass beneath beneath her.

Losien: "Like this."

She jumps off the ledge and hears a great deal of shocked expletives from Frank as she drops. The wind rushes past her as she falls quickly down. Down. Down.

She reaches out.

Angel: "YEEOUCH!"

Her hand caught the angel's leg and dragged him down with her. His beating wings soon managed to stabilise them but by then she was already jumping off his back and towards another angel.

Angel: "Who the Hell is this woman!? Where'd she come from!?"

TLTE: "Lyubov moya..."

TLTE strikes his captors again, this time he falls like a brick. Losien, in a sudden panic, leaps after him. She streamlines herself against the wind - speeding up until she caught her love in her arms. He holds her tightly as they descend towards the ground... and certain death.

----------

Tracer: "These goofy broads are everywhere! We'd better scram!"

Evil G: "Are you going to keep talking like that now? No more monologuing?"

Tracer: "For now, buster."

Evil G: "Alright. Let's steal this small flying boat thing and get outta here."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Ensign Tracer-"

Evil G: "Hahaha, demoted!"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "I request that you find more suitable attire. That Slave Leia costume is unbecoming of a Space Fleet Officer!"

Evil G: "Not to mention it's making me sick."

Tracer: "Actually I kind of like it. It's a bit uncomfortable around the crotch though."
Evil G: "Dude..."

Tracer: "Uh... right yeah."

Tracer rummages around the ship for a change of clothes. Evil G slams the accelerator and speeds away from the Palin Barge, Justin Beiber and the crazy dryads.

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Let's just hope that they don't try to follow us!"

Evil G: "Dude!! You did not just say that!"

The distant shout of Justin Beiber could be heard.

Justin Beiber: "After them!!!"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Ah."

Evil G: "Between you and the Monologuing Wonder back there--"

Tracer pops his head from behind some crates wearing a top hat.

Evil G: "..."

Tracer: "Not me?"

Evil G: "It's a astonishing we're still alive. When we get back to the HHH, I'm going to ensure we have a mass culling of our ranks. Maybe hire some of those Hero Force One boys."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "A little restructuring? Not a bad idea. May even boost morale!"

Evil G: "It'll boost my morale, at least..." [/SIZE]

Tracer: "How about this?"

Tracer comes out dressed as an Ancient Egyptian.

Evil G: "What the Hell kinds of clothes are back there!? Some kind of Halloween Party supplies, or what!?"

Tracer: "I'm a Detective. I'm a master of disguise."

He dives into the crates again.

Evil G: "I'm going to kill him. I know it. I'm going to kill him. Young won't mind if I commit one little evil thing. One small... tiny evil thing..."

Suddenly trees burst from the ground before them, forcing Evil G to pull a hard right.

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Excellent flying, Ensign! Keep that up and you'll be on the fast track for a promotion!"

Evil G: "Strangely that does actually make me slightly happy. And I know it shouldn't."

Evil G tries to gain more height as they enter the mysterious forest that suddenly appeared. The trees whip at the flying boat, lash their faces and bar their path, forcing Evil G to twist and turn the boat around them. Weaving in and out. They hear the loud fog horn of the Palin Barge coming up behind them.

Evil G: "This magical forest must be the dryads."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "There appears to be some kind of alien structure in the distance! Ensign Tracer, scan for lifeforms!"

Tracer emerges dressed as a Star Trek science officer.

Evil G: "That was quick..."

Tracer approaches the front of the boat with an air of dignity. He places his hands slowly on the railing. Then he cups one of those hands to his eyes and squints at the looming fortress.

Evil G: "Idiot..."

Tracer: "Angels. Lots of them."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "A safe Haven! Ensign G, plot a course!"

Evil G: "Weren't we just fighting those angels in London!? I don't think this is a great plan!"

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "Would you rather the dryads?"

Evil G: "Erm... well they are more attractive."

Tracer: "They took my... manure..."

Tracer stares off like a man experiencing Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder.

Tracer: "I watched them... take it... they put it... on a tree... Then they wanted more... more of my... manure..."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "For God's sakes, man! Look at him! Get us out of here!!"

Evil G: "Okay, fine. Let's take our chances with the angels. Besides, we beat them once, right? How bad can -- wait, I won't finish that line."

Voodoo Snowflakes (
as Sran Cadpill): "What line?"

Evil G: "The line I was about to say."

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "You mean, 'how bad can it--'."

Evil G: "NO!!"

Evil G lets go of the controls and leaps at Voodoo Snowflakes, hand clasping her mouth shut. Unfortunately, no hands on the wheel, meant the boat smashed into a tree. Bouncing off the trunk the boat went whirling out of control. The three of them clung to the boat for dear life.

Voodoo Snowflakes (as Sran Cadpill): "ENSSIIIIIIIIIGN!!! SAY GOODBYE TO THAT PROMOOOOTIOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

Evil G: "SHOOOOVE YOUR PROMOOOOOOTIOOON UP YOOOOOOOOOURRR ASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!"

The boat struck the fortress wall and now went spinning in circles. Voodoo Snowflakes, in a heroic gesture worthy of any great space captain, leaps at the wheel. She grabs it but is sent crashing to the floor with a bone-crunching force. The wheel, however, slams into her chest and stop the ship from moving. Voodoo Snowflakes doesn't move.

Tracer: "Is she...?"

Evil G: "... I take it back. Please don't die! Okay, I was a total douche! Captain!"

Voodoo Snowflakes stirs.

Tracer: "She's alive!"

Evil G: "Of course she is! Look at her stupid face. Why couldn't she just die?"

Tracer: "That's not what you were screaming a second ago. I think I saw some tears there."

Evil G: "Never happened. You're imagining things."

Voodoo Snowflakes: "Where the Hell am I?"

Evil G: "You don't remember? You saved the day, Captain!"

Voodoo Snowflakes: "Captain?"

Evil G: "Yeah. You did good. So... I'm being nice. You get to be called Captain... until you annoy me, then you'll be going back to 'idiot' or 'captain fruitcake', or whatever other insult takes my fancy."

Tracer: "Do you hear something?"

There was a sudden crash as two people fell into the crates of clothes.

Losien: "Ouch..." [/SIZE]

Losien pokes her head from the crate wearing a Sherlock Holme's deerstalker hat. TLTE then rises with bunny ears on and a large 'birthday boy' badge pinned to his chest. He scowls at Evil G.

TLTE: "Shattered Gebohq..."

Evil G: "Actually I generally go by Evil G now. Thanks."

Losien: "What are you guys doing here? Where'd you get this boat?"

Evil G: "You're welcome, by the way. You know, we just saved your lives."

Tracer: "We didn't know they--"

Evil G: "Shut it, Dick Tracey."

Voodoo Snowflakes stares at everyone as she slowly gets to her feet. A piercing, deadly stare.

Losien: "Are you okay, Captain?"

Voodoo Snowflakes: "I'm... peachy."

Despite her words, her tone of voice and wicked smile, would make your skin crawl.
2013-12-10, 9:01 AM #1630
Fred, teh Uber Blade: "Hey that weird chick with the creepy smile... she's like crazy hot!!" [/COLOR][/SIZE]

Losien: "Crazy is the word..."

TLTE climbs out of the crate, still wearing his bunny ears and birthday boy badge. He holds his hand out to help Losien climb out of the crate. Losien stops. Looks up.

Losien: "O. M. F. G. !!!"

She leaps out of the crate just in time -- someone else crashes into the crate behind her!

CynthAI: "The chances of you successfully surviving that fall were approximately 3%."

Frank: "Now you tell me!"

Frank's head comes out of the crate with his hair tied in a ribbon.

Evil G: "How is that even possible? Actually, doesn't matter. Let's get out of here."

Godly Jim: "You're not going anywhere!!"

Evil G: "Crapcakes."

Godly Jim: "ANGELS!"

Dozens of angels descend from the fortress, including the awesome Archangels Michael and Samael. Jim was menacing enough, but backed up by these angels? It was a sight to behold.

Godly Jim: "You'll be coming with me..."

Suddenly there was a deafening sound of a fog horn. The heroes turn around to see the Palin Barge--

Losien: "The what?"

--parked behind them. Justin Beiber stands at the prow, standing in one of his boy-star poses.

Justin Beiber: "My fans--"

Dryad #426: "Servants."

Justin Beiber: "Tell me that you're all needed for the good of the USA! So, I think they'll have to come with me."

Godly Jim: "You're on my land now, kid! I make the rules here! They're needed for the good of Burundi!"

Justin Beiber: "... what's a Burundi?"

Godly Jim: "Ack... You're in Burundi now. It's a small country. In Africa."

Justin Beiber: "..."

Godly Jim: "..."

The cogs in Justin Beiber's brain slowly click into place.


Justin Beiber: "Isn't Africa a country?"

Godly Jim: "GAH! That's the problem with the American youth! Idiots like you are brainwashing them!!"

Tracer: "Isn't Bieber Canadian?"

TLTE: "There is difference?"

Godly Jim: "In fact. Screw you guys. For the good of the WORLD! I declare a crusade upon Justin Beiber!!"

Dryad #426: "Don't worry Master! We'll protect you!"

Justin Beiber: "Hold on, I've got to tweet this!"

Godly Jim: "WRRAAAAAAAAAA!!! ATTAAAAAACK!!!"

Evil G: "That's our cue to vacate!"

Losien: "Wait, I think we should help!"

Evil G: "Which one?"

Losien: "Uh..."

Frank: "I don't want to sit around here for the next thirty years designing go-karting tracks..."

TLTE: "And I do not believe it is good to be supporting a pig-dog consumerist swine like Joostin Beeburr."

Losien: "Fair enough. Let's go!"

Voodoo Snowflakes: "Yes. Let's."

Fred teh Uber Blade: "There's that creepy smile again..."
2013-12-16, 11:59 PM #1631
Meanwhile, back at the Chinese Denny's, Antestarr continues waiting in the line for the bathroom when someone taps him on the shoulder.

Antestarr: "Look, you're just going to have to wait like everyone--oh."

He notices that the person who tapped him standing by his side was Nyneve, the last of the NeSferatu before having turned Antestarr into one as well.

Nyneve: "You're giving the NeSferatu a poor reputation, I hope you know that."

Antestarr: "I'll have you know it was your idea to turn me into one of your kind."

Nyneve: "You're welcome. Or did you forget that you were about to die before then?"

Antestarr: "I did all I could for the NeS."

Nyneve: "That's not what your old master seemed to have thought."

Antestarr: "Master Thand...?!"

Pulling a note tucked by her breast, Nyneve hands the paper to Antestarr, who begins to read it.

Nyneve: "His instructions, as you can see, said that you needed to become a Protector of the Plotfractal by any means necessary. And to think that non-Gebohq was meant to carry that out. Who knows what he would have done if I hadn't stepped in."

Antestarr: "I suspect he would have killed me. Perhaps plothole'd me into a pickle jar. I wonder if that madman is still a Protector--

Nyneve: "Nevermind that. The point is you're a NeSferatu now, and you need to help spread our kind once more. You must have had the urge to feed by now."

Antestarr: "I do my best to try not eating my delicious friends."

Nyneve: "You'll do whatever helps create chaos and conflict for the good of the story, and you also want to make me happy, don't you, my love?"

Antestarr: "Subaru..."

Nyneve did not hear Antestarr's last comment, though, as she brings a young girl by their side. By all accounts, she appears like a tiny angel with long, brown hair except that she also has black eyes. The girl flashed a smile, bearing her fangs in the process.

Nyneve: "See, I'm already ahead of you by one, not counting yourself, of course. I picked a young one off from the herd during the recent battle in London. I expect you to nab one of your own by the next page."

Antestarr: "But--"

Nyneve: "No whining! Or I'll turn one of your friends myself."

The man behind him nudges Antestarr to move forward, and in the moment of distraction, Nyneve and the child are gone. He looks at the paper in his hand once more, deep in thought as to the ramifications behind it all...
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2013-12-17, 8:05 AM #1632
Antestarr returns to the group in silence. They are all discussing the pros and cons of Chinese Denny's - mostly cons. Antestarr looks from person to person, trying to make his choice.

The first would obviously be Subaru. He could spent his entire life with this beautiful, powerful woman. Then again his entire life was now forever and forever was an awfully long time. Plus being a NeSferatu meant you were dead and he really didn't want to kill the woman he loved.

The Emperor would be a bad candidate. He's the emperor of China, even if only in secret. That would probably make Antestarr a target for all kinds of underworld ninja agents - or whatever the Chinese equivalent was.

Princess Iriana. Again she was too influential, although he wasn't even sure where was a Princess of anymore. Plus there was already one power-crazy Iriana on the lose.

Long Xiang. A vampire-dragon? AWESOME!! But also fairly dangerous and hazardous to most people's well-being.

Amal is a possible future Main Character and because this story isn't blood-crazed sex-romp - for the most part - Antestarr thought turning him into a NeSferatu might somehow break the story. Then again it would certainly be a big two-fingered salute to the Writers.

Soriel was pleasantly placid without his sword. Being a NeSferatu was like having weapons permanently attached to ones mouth. Wielding Fred Teh Uber Blade, Soriel was a maniac, blood-thirsty murderer. Even the NeS couldn't deal with Soriel if he became a vampire and went on a blood-spraying-spree.

Couchman was a newbie with a lot of unknown qualities. This meant he was actually the only one amongst Antestarr's current circle of friends that was probably even remotely a possible candidate for turning. But there was something in Antestarr's brain that told him that would be a little bit... gay. Like sucking on a guy's neck?

Antestarr looks around Denny's. Nyneve chose a random strange girl, why couldn't he?

As he looks around he feels like a lot of the Random People around him, even Random Audience Members, were staring at him and his friends - only to quickly turn away when he caught their glance.


Antestarr: "Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy."

Soriel: "What is?"

Antestarr: "Uh, did I say that out loud? I was thinking about... uh... the alternate Iriana. That would be creepy, right?"

Soriel winces at Antestarr.

Soriel:
"You lie very poorly, you know that?"
2013-12-25, 1:20 AM #1633
Antestarr: "Okay, screw it."

Everyone in the Chinese Denny's looks at Antestarr.

Antestarr: "Who wants to be turned into a vampire!?"

Soriel:
"NeSferatu actually."

Subaru: "Are you being serious!?"

Antestarr: "Very. I've been told it's what I've got to do."

Subaru: "By who!?"

Antestarr: "It doesn't matter! I'm NeSferatu! It's my duty! Who wants to live forever!?"

----------

In the Writers' Realm the NeS Offices are decked out in beautiful colours and lights - none of which are green because the whole of the Massassi Temple Building is bloody green. Britt the Writer wears a Father Christmas hat and carries a big sack of presents.

He wanders around the offices shouting "ho ho ho".

But there's no one there. Still.


Britt the Writer: "There's no Christmas in China either." :(
2013-12-26, 7:26 AM #1634
On the day after Christmas, Geb the Writer walks into the Massassi writers' offices, and looks around.

Geb the Writer: Oi! Back to work, people! Christmas is only a single day!

When there is no reply, he checks Britt the Writer's cubicle. Britt the Writer, still clad in his Santa hat, is snoring face-down on his desk. Several empty cartons of alcoholic eggnog are scattered around him.

Geb the Writer: Got too much into the Christmas spirits, I see...

He then checks Al Ciao the Writer's cubicle. Al is slumped backwards in his chair, face upturned to the ceiling. His jaw is slack, and he is drooling slightly. His glazed-over eyes are staring vacantly at nothing. Occasional twitches upset the stillness of his body. Puzzled, Geb waves his hand over Al's unseeing eyes, and checks for a pulse. Wondering what could possibly be wrong with Al, to totally shut his brain down, he glances at Al's computer screen.

On the computer, instead of his normal Skyrim game, is loaded
Portal.
2014-01-05, 2:25 AM #1635
Meanwhile, in Hangzhou.

Rachel Pi: "Geb, sit down."

Gebohq: "I'm on a boooooat!"

The small traditional Chinese boat wobbles along the scenic river. Along the riverbank are gazebos and pagodas amidst the trees and shrubbery. The sun is beginning to set, casting a yellow and orange glow across the still water. Very romantic.

Gebohq: "Never thought I'd be on a boooooat!"

Rachel Pi: "Geb... I swear to my ancestors... I will drown you in a minute."

Gebohq: "Poseidon!! Poseidon look at meeeee!"

Rachel Pi: "Right. That's it."

Before Rachel could shove Gebohq into the river there is a muffled 'thump' that made her freeze.

Gebohq: "I'm on a boo-!!"

The boat rocks as something struck its bottom.

Poseidon: "Alright! I've heard enough of this stupid song!"

Poseidon, who rose from the water in all of his... soggy glory, throws his arms up. The river water imitates his actions and the two would-be-lovers are tossed into the air like rag dolls before they crash down into the water again.

When Rachel lifts her head from the water she sees that Poseidon was gone and Gebohq is treading water.

Rachel Pi: "Gebohq..."

Gebohq: "I know. That was awesome, right!?"
2014-01-05, 2:59 AM #1636
Back in Burundi Team A has been split into two smaller groups. Sitting on a floating boat--

Gebohq: "I'm on a booooooat!"

Quiet you. Back in your own scene!

So, in the floating sci-fi, hover boat is our Main Character Losien, her lover TLTE and the newbiw character Frank Smith. Joining them is Evil G, Tracer and Voodoo Snowflakes who appears to be experiencing some changes in her mental disposition. Currently they are fleeing an imminent battle between the heavenly forces of Jim and the dryads of Justin Beiber in an epic Crusade.


On the other side of Burundi, still tramping through the woodland, is Apple, our ninja-ultra-assassin, Lady LightSide, the former DarkSide, and Al Ciao, who is searching for a witch to give him a penis. With them are the sex-starved Brits The Otter and Maeve.

Apple: "So TLTE must be dead, right?"

Al Ciao: "My... old friend... a new penis wasn't worth the loss of such a man. But now I must get a new penis, else his sacrifice will have been in vain!!"

The Otter: "I'm sure he's fine. He's probably gone looking for Losien and left us to it, mate. Seriously, I'm not sure there's anything that could stop that wall of Russian manliness."

Apple: "Well, I hope he finds Los-- I mean, my mother. She's probably gotten herself into trouble somewhere. What should we do?"

Lady LightSide: "Find this penis."

Apple: "Wow, that was a quick reply. Hungry for lovin', eh?"

Lady LightSide: "I meant to say witch."

So they continue their trek through the jungle, discussing the merits and cons of Al's relationship with LightSide, largely in vulgar terms that are too explicit to share with our tender-minded audience.

Soon...


Maeve: "What's that smell!?"

The Otter: "It's the Bog of Eternal Stench!!"

Maeve: "You mean from the Labyrinth movie?"

The Otter: "Nooooo. I mean the ones from Burundi."

Apple: "You know it's not even a bog, right? It's a swamp."

The Otter: "There's a difference?"

Apple: "Swamps have trees. Bogs don't."

The Otter: "Great. Either way if you land in the waters of the Swamps of Eternal Stench, you'll stink - for eternity!"

Apple: "Really?"

The Otter: "Yes. So be careful. We need a boat or something."

Suddenly Otter screams as Apple shoves him into the swamp.

The Otter: "HELP! HELP! QUICKLY! I'M... I'M... I'M STINKING!!!"

Apple: :XD:

Maeve: "Even I'm not that cruel."

Al Ciao: "You know he's going to stink everywhere we go now, right? I mean... forever. We'll have to wear nose plugs for the rest of our lives!"

Apple: "Ah... I didn't think that far ahead."
2014-01-05, 4:19 AM #1637
Later...

The Otter is small, crossed-legged and arms tightly folded. His face is cast into a permanent, angry sulk as he stares at nothing but the passing scenery. He takes up half of the rubber dinghy, the other half is crowded with the other heroes trying to keep their distance from Otter and his new aroma.


Apple, as punishment, is rowing.

Apple: "Row, row, row your boat! Gently down the... swamp!"

Maeve: "Row, row, row your boat! Gently down the swamp!"

Al Ciao: "Row, row, row your boat! Gently down the... swamp!"

They continue to sink their trio-song, one after the other and overlapping their words.


Lady LightSide approaches The Otter, pinching her nose.

Lady LightSide: "I'm sure it's not really eternal, Otter."

The Otter: "I could sink the boat. Then you'd all stink forever too."

Lady LightSide: "Uh... you could. But you wouldn't, would you? You're not like Apple."

The Otter: "I used to kill people, you know? Back in the early Pages of the NeS. I burnt down a pub with the landlord inside. Hell later I even blew up Jupiter... even if it was an accident. Sort of."

Lady LightSide: "Uh..."

The Otter: "But things changed. I changed. And now I'm going to stink forever. You know I used to have a harem in my Crow's Nest? A harem of bi-sexual woman. I turned them half-straight. That's right. They went straight because they were so attracted to me! And now... women hate me. Soon they'll run away from me because of the stink."

Lady LightSide: "This is getting awfully heavy. Something's going to happen to lighten the mood soon, I'm sure."

The Otter: "Yeah right -- hey, who's that!?"

On the bank of the swamp they could now see someone running through the swampland being chased by some angry dryads. It was a woman wearing colonial style safari gear, including the pith helmet. When she spotted the heroes in their boat she began to edge closer to the embankment.

Lady LightSide: "Should we help her?"

Apple: "There's no way I'm going to try and steer this thing over there. I have no idea what I'm actually doing with these oars!"

Al Ciao: [/B] "Then why're you rowing!?"

Apple: "I got punished, remember?"

The woman leaps into the air, grabs a random strand of plant (who even knows what they actually are?) and swings out into the swamp. She lets go and waggles her legs moments before she comes down again. She lands in the dinghy with a dramatic pose. Everyone claps with admiration.

Woman: "All in a day's work, my friends!"

She tries to strike a new pose but stumbles and... falls into the swamp. Everyone stops clapping and there's a moment of awkward silence before The Otter reaches into the swamp to help the woman back into the boat.

Woman: "Not quite as classy as I'd hoped."

She pulls off her pith helmet and The Otter reels in shock.

The Otter: "YOU!?"

She is clearly an older woman, over fifty years old. She's very grey and her facial wrinkles showed obvious signs of aging. However there is also a youthfulness to her appearance that years of adventuring probably helped with. She grins at The Otter.

Woman: [/B] "That's right, Otter! It's me!"

Apple: "You're who exactly?"

The Otter: "She's Geb's mum!"

Woman: "I'm your grandmother, dear!"
2014-01-13, 6:05 PM #1638
Back at the Chinese Denny's...

Subaru: "Tell us who is making you do this, Ante. We can help--"

Antestarr: "No, you can't, and better still, it's moot. The question only rose as a formality."

Amal: "So you've decided to go rogue and force us to become like you?"

Antestarr: "I've decided nothing. What I do doesn't matter. My wants, my dreams, my future -- all meaningless. The writers play and abandon us at a whim, and there's not a ****ing thing I can do about it!"

Uncomfortable silence hangs among the NeS heroes. A young woman in a blue dress, pink shoes, and a white hat walks up to the group with a wallet in her hand as if she was about to say something. She looks at the group, particularly at Antestarr who stares back at her with empty eyes, decides better, and gently places the wallet on the table before walking away. Couchman picks it up and opens it out of curiosity before turning to Antestarr, placing the wallet back down on the table.

Couchman: "It seems you dropped it when you stepped out."

Antestarr: "Keep it... I have no need of it. I have no need of your devotion, Subaru, nor need to cultivate your failing heroism, Amal, nor the cares of anyone. None of you wish to accept my offer as NeSferatu, I can tell, and...well, I think I'll take my leave now, as I should, and go thank that young lady who returned my wallet..."

The others simply watch as Antestarr walks away. For a moment, only the noise of the crowd around them stirs in the air. The temporary peace falls, whoever, as a scream pierces from someplace nearby the NeS Heroes cannot see.

Soriel: "It seems the powerplayer won't be our only problem now."

Subaru: "Our cover will be blown if we don't do something soon!"

Amal: "You're right. We have to end this now...everyone, follow me!"

Amal shoots up out of his seat, though at first, for half a moment, it seems none of them will follow. Subaru, obviously of her own wounded accord, rises to charge forth, after which Couchman, Iriana, and Soriel begin to do the same. Soriel grabs Antestarr's wallet and fishes in it for money.

Iriana: "What are you doing?"

Soriel: "Paying for our meal. He clearly said we could use it."

Iriana: "Oh, right."

As Soriel drops Antestarr's credit card onto the table, he notices a piece of paper jammed in the wallet, which he starts reading as the group leaves. Their waitress then arrives at the table and picks up the credit card to pocket for herself.

Red: :ninja:

(NSN: Apologies for the lack of humor - the scene is how I felt it should be played out, though.)
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2014-01-15, 4:44 AM #1639
Searching some ancient forgotten Chinese tombs is the Powergaming Iriana Emp. On her list of suitably "awesome, epic and truly magnificient places in which to wage battle against foes", the forgotten tomb was fairly low on her list and she was growing increasingly irritated.

Powerplaying Iriana Emp: "Wait! I... sense something!"

She stares into the middle distance, focusing on her mind's sudden awareness. The vibrations. The sensations. The...

PP Iriana Emp: "...drama!"

With that she takes off in a whirl of awesomeness and ploughs through the many levels of earth and rock above her like a humanoid-drill. Once she bursts through the surface, surprising a lot of Chinese farmers--

Chinese Farmer #426: "Crazy foreigners!"

-- she flies through the air like a speeding bullet in the direction of Amal's heroes.
2014-01-15, 5:14 AM #1640
Outside the Chinese Denny's the heroes arrive, striking dramatic poses - ready to stop their former friend from his fiendish plot!

They find a woman shrieking.


Woman #426: "A RAT! A RAT!"

The heroes sigh with a mixture of relief and disappointment.

Woman #426: "It was a really, really big rat."

Suddenly there's another scream.

Amal: "That must be him now!"

They rush off down the street, turn the corner and find... a supermodel who has broken a nail.

Subaru: "God damn it..."

There's yet another scream. Most of the heroes begin to charge off but Subaru slows them down.

Subaru: "It's obviously just going to be another false alarm guys. This time some woman will be getting barked at by a dog, or she's saw her ex-boyfriend or maybe she's being mugged."

Amal: "Uh, if she's being mugged I kind of think we should help..."

Woman: "OMG! It's a vampire!!!"

Subaru: "...Or maybe it really is him!"

They arrive in a park to find several screaming women.

Woman: [/B] "Team Edward! Team Edward!"

Edward Cullen, the shiny "Twilight" vampire, is posing in the park and being adored by his female fans.

Subaru: "I think I might kick a Writer in the face."

Yet another scream!

Everyone stands still.

Woman: "Help! Vampire!"

Some of the heroes shuffle their feet but they still don't continue to move.

Woman: "He's a Nesferatu! Help me!"

The heroes all look at each other, wondering if it was time to go.

Woman: "Someone bloody save me! His bloody name is Antestarr!"

Amal: "Okay, that'll be us now."

The heroes rush off to save the woman from Antestarr.
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