Losien Simon
Losien is the Main Character of the NeS and has a strong-mind and strong-will, yet she constantly feels unworthy of her mantle and her leadership of the group is often called into question - forcing her to act on her own when others don't agree with her choices. Her façade of bravery may be a mask to hide her true cowardice running towards death to escape dealing with the problems of her life. She wields Fred, Teh Uber Blade and wears Carlotta the Cape - both of which are sentient and able to communicate with Losien through her mind. She has also been somewhat detached from her soul, which is often either trailing behind her or leading her forward through the narrative. Her Potential is Gwenhwyfar.

Evil G
Evil G, who is sometimes known as Gebiyl, is an alternate dimension version of Gebohq Simon where he was a major Powerplayer of the NeShattered. However his cruel heart melted when he fell in love, and married, Young. He had to escape the confines of his own universe to escape the Ever-ending Plot which consumed it. He joined the NeS Heroes to be close to his wife, Young, and help raise his child, Chance. He is generally the anti-hero of the NeS Heroes and often has darker methods of dealing with situations than others would like. He also finds most of the NeS Heroes incredibly annoying as he's often smarter and, in some ways, more sensible then the rest. Yet he enjoys winding them all up with insults and sarcasm to entertain himself. Despite all of this, he is one of the few that is truly aware of what is to come. He carries his own NeShattered NeSword. His own Potential was killed many Story Arcs ago.

Tracer
Tracer was a Man of Mystery and wandered around in his own detective novel. A mixture of Dick Tracy, James Bond and Neo from The Matrix, Tracer was often an ominous presence in the NeS Heroes' shadow, or a goofy loony bin narrating himself. However when he stepped through a shattered dimensional portal he shattered himself into pieces - pieces of Tracer from across the multiverse. Now Tracer is irregularly transitioning between different versions of Tracer from across the Multiverse, ranging from Sherlock-Tracer to Child-Tracer. MZZT believes that Tracer will be lost the longer he remains a part of this "ShatteredTracer" as the dimensional timelines diverge. Tracer's Potential is The Orator.

Amal
Amal is the adoptive nephew of Arkng Thand and then his care-taker switched to TLTE. Amal, however, went through a sudden growth spurt and is now a young man and potentially the future Main Character of the NeS. He is an eager learner and often understands more of the situation than most would believe, especially after learning much from Soriel. He is quite the heroic type, but does have a much darker streak that he likely learnt from TLTE. A hero that will do what he must. Amal wields a copy of the NeSword, given to him by Gebohq Simon. Amal's Potential, Qho Anima, was recently killed by TLTE.

Rachel Pi
Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the potential of April Fools' Day. Rachel is now pregnant with Gebohq's child, but seems somewhat conflicted on the issue as her and Geb'q relationship has been rather bumpy recently. Her father, Emperor Pi, is also hanging around after it was revealed that he had long ago evolved into his Potential. Rachel herself has been revealed to be her own Potential.

Gebohq Simon
Once the Main Character of the NeS, he gave that role over to his sister, Losien Simon. Since then he's spent a great amount of time patching up his relationship with the love of his life, Rachel Pi, and now he is an expectant father. However Rachel doesn't seem so thrilled by the prospect. Despite being incredibly inept and dumb at the best of times, many of the newer heroes often look to Gebohq as a source of experience. He is usually air-headed, verging on being unaware of happenings around him, but essentially has a strange amount of luck that often works in his favour. He wields the original NeSword and his Potential was killed by Antestarr long ago.

Iriana Emp
Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. She has recently become reacquainted with her father, Al Ciao, and they have many issues that they need to work out. His arrival has caused Iriana to doubt herself and long to understand who she truly is, particularly now that she is no longer involved with Couchman. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea. Her Potential is Nyktelios.

Miss Fire
A long-time NeS Hero, Miss Fire was fatally wounded during a fight in a previous Story Arc and thus put into a stasis chamber that would keep her in state. When the Haunted Hall of Heroes was burnt down by the NeSferatu, the NeS Heroes had to save her pod from destruction. Finally she has been revived by Mecha Lou, a techno-witch, who gave her a cybernetic heart to help her live. The new heart runs on the mains and she must recharge from a power outlet when her energy runs low. She can supercharge herself to give herself a major adrenaline rush.

Polly Simon
Sometimes known as "Geb's Mom" or "Los' Mom", Polly Simon recently mingled with the NeS Heroes because she wants her daughter, Losien, to rise up and become the Queen of Jupiter. This would, however, mean she'd be frozen in carbonite for 500 years. Polly used a wish from Baba Yaga to grant her eternal youth and now appears the same age as her own daughter. When Losien refused, Polly tried to force Apple to take the throne instead, Losien's daughter, however Apple has since become Chronos and beyond such things - leaving Polly with only Losien as an option again. Polly succeeded in having Baba grant one last wish - a wish that Losien would stop loving TLTE. Baba Yaga revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes he loves Losien, it is not true love. Polly does not seem to have a Potential, possibly due to her use of Baba Yaga's wish.

Gwenhwyfar
The Potential of Losien Simon, Gwenhwyfar is a knight with a cataphract horse as her mount. She wields and overly large sword and, unlike her unPotential, is usually stern, strict and direct. Her motivations are unusual but she seems to harbour a grudge against the unPotentials and a strange envy for Losien herself. Despite once trying to destroy Losien, Gwen suddenly came around and saved her unPotential from certain death. Now she aids the NeS Heroes, already accepted by them regardless of their past. It is unclear if Gwen believes herself a NeS Heroes, but her new team mates certainly do.

Emperor Pi
he secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much. He cares a great deal for his daughter and his recent involvement in the NeS has largely been focused on trying to keep her safe and support her through her romantic troubles with her lover, Gebohq. He has also proven to be quite enigmatic in his approach towards characters that are not his daughter, especially Al Ciao and Britt. He long ago achieved his Potential, as the Jade Emperor of China.

Current Cast of Heroes: Elsewhere (for now)

With the Cult of X
Al Ciao
Al Ciao is often the goofy comic-relief for the NeS Heroes, yet he has the darkest and most elaborate history as Highemperor. Although most characters see Al Ciao as a goofball, he is also father to Iriana Emp, Lucy, an alien-thingy and now Lior, the child of his wife Verrine(Lady LightSide). However he also died sometime ago and was brought back to life in his new cyborg body by Mecha Lou. Now with his mechanoid body he is able to perform an array of awesome cyborg techniques and attacks. Mostly Al Ciao is trying to keep his "family" together, make amends with his daughter and now raise Lior with his wife. His Potential was killed by Antestarr many Story Arcs ago.

Verrine (Lady LightSide)
Once the Fallen Angel Verrine, she was consumed by her forever lover Marcus and he transformed into DarkSide. However her presence was buried deep within as the counter "LightSide". The events of Memory Lane Story Arc brought this old soul back to the surface of DarkSide and she not only married Al Ciao but got pregnant. When she gave birth, DarkSide was, once again, unleashed but LightSide survived and now the two entities are split and she joins her husband their new child, Lior. She is often a reasonable voice and is definitely a controlling influence upon Al Ciao, encouraging him in positive ways and keeping his idiocy in check.

Frank Smith
he Time Cop from the future was sent back in time to deal with a series of time anomalies that led him to the character Apple of the NeS Heroes. However Apple would later turn out to be Chronos in the future, and head of the Time Enforcement Agency (TEA). Turns out she sent him back in time to purposefully lead to her own existence and, probably, to eventually save herself from her own mistakes. Frank is a confident, hero-type but he tends to get himself into a lot of trouble due to his over-confidence. He is also likely experiencing a mid-life crisis and had a dalliance with a much younger man. Frank has a watch that allows him to open a time vortex and transport himself, and anyone touching him, through time and space. The watch's A.I. is called CynthAI Mk XIV, however a second A.I. has also been installed into the watch known as CaptAIn and is, in fact, the personality of Captain Cadpill. Frank killed his own Potential to save Losien Simon and the others from a Potential attack.

Subaru
Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she felt, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Yet she accepted him still until he eventually turned her away and left the NeS Heroes to start turning people into NeSferatu and forming an army - along with Nyneve, the woman that turned him. Subaru is feeling emotionally fragile and hurt. She knows that Antestarr wants to turn Subaru into a NeSferatu, but she does not want to become like him. Although fragile, she is still head-headed, over-confident and brash on all other things. Her Potential is Orochi.

---

Outside the Magium
Mimiru
Mimiru is probably the wealthiest NeS Hero to exist, possessing a lot of money but also a lot of sense. She's smart and methodical and can sometimes find the stupidity of her team mates either grating or endearing. She is fast and skilled in combat, and while she is learning magic from her husband, Cool Matty, she has very little skill in the subject and is not a natural with magic. She put her own quest, to find her missing family, when she married Cool Matty.

Cool Matty
Cool Matty, otherwise known as Tsukasa, is one of the NeS Hero's most competent magic-wielders. He is married to Mimiru and tries to teach her magic, but she has no latent skill with the subject. He focuses on magical currents throughout the NeS and often acts on his own vendettas rather than abiding by the consensus of the team.

Other Major Characters: Various Groups

The Cult of X
The Cult of X are a group dedicated to the Plot. To this end varying leaders have either followed the Ever-ending Plot, or rejected it. However the group, under Aetas X, found a secondary objective - Britt, the Sleeper. Britt, however, was killed by Antestarr. He resurrected himself through Antestarr and eventually took the body of a clone (of Aetas X, who's clone is always the Seer for he cult) and made himself the Seer for the Cult of X as Brittica X. Members of the cult always end with "X" and includes long-term NeS Hero, Rob X.

• Antestarr
• Brittica X
• Rob X
• The Cult of X - Including Maxim X, Cygnus X.

---

France
Nyneve, once last of the NeSferatu, has become the Emperor of France and a bid to prepare against the impending arrival of the Eep. However this is also the return of her kind and she has not only the Emperor of France, but of the NeSferatu too. She is aided by two Potentials, Midas and Orochi, who want to stop the Eep. Young is a captive of Nyneve still.

• Nyneve
• Orochi
• Midas
• Young

---

Great Britain
Maeve became the Queen of Britain and, when she did so, established the Remembered Forces, from the former Forgotten Forces. They now use Britain as their HQ for operations across the world, liberating the Forgotten and preparing for the impending Eep.

• Queen Maeve
• Couchman
• Twin Suns (Kern)
• The Remembered Forces-includes Sran Cadpill, The Otter, Voodoo Snowflakes, Ping, etc

---

The U.S.A.

In an unexpected move, Arkng Thand became the President of the USA and is intent on controlling the populace through mass media and his henchman, Thrawn42689. However Thand usually spends his time reading Britt: The Legend for insight and hasn't revealed his true motivations.

• Arkng Thand
• Thrawn42689

---

Hands of the NeS
Having defeated Mayaal, Venedite, a Potential, became the new Hand of the NeS. However Bhac kept Mayaal secretly chained up in the l33t. Only when the villains disappeared did Mayaal become free and joined Venedite despite their past. Now that Bhac and the villains have returned, trouble ensues between the three of them - there can be only two!

• Venedite
• Mayaal
• Bhac Ssylan

---

Heaven & Hell
Mr Nine, the current ruler of Hell, has returned and seeks to prepare for the coming of the Eep. Jim7 seems more concerned with his go-karting as God, however he has recently resurrected The Patriot as God's Advocate.

• Mr Nine
• Jim7

---

Independent Characters
Discarded by his love, Losien, TLTE is seeking is ultimate destiny as the true ultimate evil of the NeS and has broken several Seals thus far. He recently killed Qho Anima, the Potential of Amal. The Patriot has recently been resurrected and seeks his old team mates, Hero Force One, but they are unavailable. However he is the oldest rival to TLTE and his return right now may be part of destiny's weave. Ares and Athena, two Greek Gods, have currently got the NeS Heroes and all of the villains within the newly built Colosseum in Rome becoming to Athena and evidently intend to stage something epic for the paying audiences. MZZT is often available for tech support back at the old HoH, where the heroes often find themselves returning. He is also taking care of Chance and the ghosts from the now burnt down HHH are with him.

• TLTE
• Ares
• Athena
• MZZT

Amazed this thread is still going Always remember Nostradamus!! Good thing that asteroid didn't hit us, too.

Edit: 8?? 8 posts?? LOL It has to be in the thousands... but I was most active on this forum like 15 years ago so there's probably been db updates of some kind

Cool Matty goes sailing over the gates, clutching his arse in pain.

Cool Matty: AIEEEEEEE!

Faust turns back to the other Magium high council members.

Faust: I *told* you that's how I got into this place as an apprentice.

Dr R. Deep: I didn't realize they had football at all back then, much less football scholarships...

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-Three

As the rocket drew closer to the planet an incoming signal from the surface came through the rocket's radio.

Planet Security: "Unregistered spacecraft. You're entering the atmosphere of the planet Espa-ñol and you don't have the necessary credentials."

The man spoke with a thick Mexican accent.

Britt and the group all look at each other expectantly.

Polly rolled her eyes and decided she'd have to speak on behalf of the group. She leant over and squeezed between the two front chairs where Britt and Ohqeanos were seated. Both men turn to look at her figure as she picked up the radio transceiver.

Polly: "Do you two mind?"

Ohqeanos, embarrassedly and quickly, turns away. Britt, on the other hand, shrugs his shoulders and puts on a mock expression of surprise. She pushed the button the radio.

Polly: "Hullo there. My name's Polly. How're you today?"

Her voice had changed into something resembling a flight attendant.

Planet Security: "Uh... I'm fine, thank you Polly."

Polly: "That's good to know. Our rocket ship has accidentally found itself in orbit around your planet and we need to land and refuel."

Planet Security: "We're having a major problem with illegal immigrants jumping over the border and seeking work on our planet, Polly. You can't land here without the necessary documentation from the Department of Work and Pensions. Do you possess a Green Card?"

Polly: "Can we obtain one on the planet's surface?"

Planet Security: "No."

Polly: "Then how can we get one?"

Planet Security: "You have to file documentation proving who you are, where you're from and what you intend to do on our planet. It'll then get processed and we'll post you your visa in, perhaps, five months."

Britt: "FIVE M--!!"

Britt snatched the radio from Polly.

Britt: "Now see here, cretin! There's no way in buggery I'm sitting up here for the next five months! We're landing this God-forsaken rocket this instant. Do you understand me?"

Ohqeanos: "I really don't think you should have said that..."

Planet Security: "I'm sorry to inform you that landing permission has been denied. Missiles have now been targeted on your spacecraft and you'll be blown to bits in the next, approximately, ten minutes. After this transmission ends, would you care to spend five minutes answering a brief questionnaire about the quality of service that you've received today?"

Amidst a series of expletives from Britt, the warning signals on the rocket announced that something big and deadly was headed their way. Ohqeanos, with little other option, plunged the rocket straight towards the planet's surface. Flames erupted around the craft as it broke into the atmosphere.

Planet Security: "We see you're still trying to breach our planet. I must inform you that, should you survive our missile defences - however unlikely that is - we'll despatch military personnel to collect your heads and put them on pikes outside the Sagrada Familia, one of our best-loved tourist attractions."

Britt: "Why do I always end up in situations like this?"

Kaptin: "You mean you often end up on a rocket, hurtling through the atmosphere of an alien planet with the threat of your head being mounted on display as a family-friendly attraction?"

Britt: "Not quite so specifically, Kaptin!"

One of the missiles exploded close to the rocket which sent vibrations throughout the craft and Britt's skull felt like it was rattling.

Suddenly, the American Hulk broke free of his seatbelt and went stomping to the rear of the rocket.

Hulk: "AAAAAAAMERICA!!!!!"

He booted the wall of the rocket and it split open like tracing paper. Fortunately they were closer to the ground now and the flames that had previously been eating away at the exterior of the ship had dissipated. The sudden draft, however, threatened to suck anyone not strapped into their seats, out of the breach. Which basically meant the Hulk.

Britt watched the scanner. The Hulk blip went flying through the sky until it connected with one of the missile blips. The missile blip disappeared. The Hulk went flying to the next missile blip. It also disappeared. And the next. And the final one.

Britt: "That's really something. Now let's hope we all survive the fall..."

The rocket went head-first straight into the middle of a massive lake. Water erupted upwards and created a shower of fresh water over the local area. People from the nearby town all dashed out to see what was happening. They stared at the rippling lake water which was unsettled at first but eventually stilled. The townsfolk approached with trepidation, sensing the people aboard the rocket were likely dead. But suddenly heads popped up out of the water.

Townsfolk #1: "Looks like we got ourselves more of them God-damn illegal immigrants. We should fetch the sheriff."

Townsfolk #2: "Looks like we'll be gettin' together a posse this evening, hoo-wee!"

The townsfolk quickly headed back to the town while Britt, Ohqeanos, Polly and Kaptin scrambled out of the lake. Where the American Hulk had gotten to was anybody's guess.

Britt: "Please remind me why I agreed to come along with you people?"

Kaptin: "ADVENTURE!!"

Britt: "You're like a one-track record, you know that?"

Ohqeanos: "How do you know what a record is?"

Britt: "Quiet you!"

Polly: "What a strange-looking place."

Ohqeanos: "Looks like we've stepped onto the set of Western movie..."

The town, indeed, looked straight out of the Wild West movie productions. However there were some differences. Machines were present, mostly belching plumes of steam and sporting lots of clockwork. A car pumping out black clouds from its exhaust and its cog-wheels churned up the dusty road. The driver wore leather aviator gear, scarf and all. A steam-punk Western world.

Britt: The Legend - Continued

A laser blast pinged off of the rock that Britt was hiding behind and shattered bits of stone down onto him.

Britt: "Bloody blinking flip!"

Polly, next to him, popped up to fire back. Her good old fashioned bullet-based pistol sounded out like the smack of a hammer. Britt heard the tell-tale yelp of a wounded man.

Britt: "Well done! I don't suppose you considered bringing more than one gun with you?"

Polly: "Of course not! We were supposed to be going to my homeworld, not some crazy cowboy world filled with gun-toting lunatics!"

Britt: "Right... except I've been to your homeworld and that place as a person-chewing god-face-bird-thing! Might have been good to have guns there too!"

Polly grunts in frustration with Britt's nagging. She pulled out her whip and lashed out towards one of the cowboy posse shooting at them. She snagged a man's arm and yanked on the whip. His rife fell to the dirt and she once again used her whip to snatch up the rifle and pull it back to her. She took over again and thrust the rifle in Britt's direction. He held his hands out and stared at it.

Britt: "Actually, I have a confession to make. I have no idea how to use this thing."

Polly: "I'm tempted to throw you out there to get shot up while I run for it!"

Britt: "Such a charming lass you are, Polly."

Britt slowed his breathing for a moment and closed his eyes. He held out his hands.

Britt: "My body is ready."

Polly: "Excuse me?"

He sprang to his feet and leapt over the rock, much to the astonishment of Polly, who faltered in her shooting. Once she regained her composure, she started covering fire. Britt hands whirled as jets of boiling hot tea rained down upon the cowpokes armed with steam-punk laser rifles. Shouts, screams and complaints emitted from the Espa-ñolers. Some dove into a crevice that protected them from the rain, but Britt wasn't to be outdone. He waved his hands around as though doing Tai Chi and let out a jet of tea that snaked around the crevice and dove inside, boiling those unfortunate enough to be hiding in there.

With the calamity over, Polly jogged over to Britt and bore, a seemingly rare, smile.

Polly: "Now that was something else, Britt! I'm beginning to see there's more to you than you let on!"

Ohqeanos and Kaptin also approach. Kaptin had been engaged in a one-on-one fight to the death with one of the possemen, while Ohqeanos had to hide behind his own rock. He appeared ashamed of himself and upset by Polly's sudden interest in Britt.

Britt: "All in a days work. They do call me Britt the Best, you know?"

Kaptin: "Never heard anyone call you that before."

Britt: "Shut it, Kaptin!"

Polly: "Let's get out of here before anyone comes looking for use. We'll avoid this town but there's got to be another one not far away. We can steal their horses."

Kaptin: "Sounds like a plan!"

Britt and Kaptin rounded up the horses. They both jumped up onto their new steeds and Polly did likewise. Ohqeanos held the reigns to his horse but didn't climb up. He just stared at it.

Britt: "Uh... dude."

Ohqeanos: "I..."

Britt: "What?"

Ohqeanos: "I don't know how to ride one..."

Polly: "Useless."

Ohqeanos felt like he was a major disappointment. He had no idea what to do.

Polly: "You'll have to ride with one of us."

At that he perked up a little, thinking he'd get to ride with her!

Polly: "Ride with the skeleton. He barely weighs anything."

Kaptin: "I've been watching my figure recently."

Ohqeanos, sullenly, climbed up onto the horse behind Kaptin Kwanza. He had no idea what he should hold onto and, before he knew it, the three horses were galloping across the dirtlands.

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-Seven

Britt: "So can you build a new one of these engines, Russlefoot?"

Marquis: "Fot."

Britt: "What?"

Marquis: "Not foot. Fot. It's the 'o' sound from words like 'pot' or 'not'."

Britt: "Alright, alright."

Marquis: "And it's Rossle, not russle."

Britt: "Geez! Alright, Bunghole!"

Marquis: "Bun-- I say! It's Rosslefot!"

Britt: "You're Bunghole from now on."

Polly: "What my friend is trying to say is that he's sorry for mispronouncing your name and really wants to know if you can build a new engine with which to travel between planets?"

Marquis: "Easy! In fact you have such engines here."

Polly: "Without a spacecraft."

Marquis: "Ah. More difficult. But for an inventor as comprehensively fantabulous as myself, child's play."

Ohqeanos: "Fantabulous?"

Britt: "I told you, he's a bunghole."

Polly: "Have you seen my fiancé's name written down, Britt? You're complaining about his name?"

Britt: "He's pompous. And he made my hand itch! Do you know how long I'd gone without a mosquito bite!?"

Polly: "No."

Britt: "Not long enough! Why not make a machine to cure itchy hands!?"

Marquis: "There's a novel idea I hadn't thought of before. I should get on with that right away."

Britt: "Whoa, hold on. That was my idea! I claim patent! I expect royalties!"

Polly: "He has a point, Marquis."

Britt: "Really? Awesome! I'm going to be rich!"

Ohqeanos: "You've lived for, like, centuries. Why aren't you already rich?"

Britt: "Graverobbers. They come in and nick everything I store with me when I sleep. I should have had someone set traps or something."

Polly: "Actually, we'd settle for an engine that can get us to Jupiter."

Britt: "What? No way! I want the money!"

Polly turned and glared at Britt with eyes that could split a rock in twain. Britt gulped. When she relaxed her gaze, Britt's courage re-emerged and he pouted.

Britt: "Great. So old Britt has to save your bloody wedding, does he? Well this is your wedding present! Don't expect another!"

His accusing finger moved from Polly to Ohqeanos. Ohqeanos is stunned.

Ohqeanos: "But I didn't--"

Britt stormed away and Kaptin Kwanza went after him.

Marquis: "Well, I'm glad that could be worked out. Of course I'll build you your machine as payment for that momentary burst of inspiration. I imagine my new machine would sell very well on the swamp planet of Insectania. Lots and lots of biting going on there. And that's just the locals!"

Polly: "Right. So, when will it be finished?"

Marquis: "For your average inventor it'd take, maybe, five years."

Polly: "...great."

Marquis: "Ha! But I'm no average inventor! Give me two hours and consider it done."

Polly: "That gives us enough time to fine and sedate that experiment your government owns."

Ohqeanos: "Oh right. I forgot about that."

Britt: The Legend - cont.

Britt, Ohqeanos and Polly lie belly-down on a grassy hillock and watch the army camp below them. In the centre of the camp they can see the Hulk asleep in a cage. Britt passes the binoculars to Polly.

Britt: "So the plan is to sneak in there and wheel away that cage? How do we get past the guards exactly?"

Polly: "You put them to sleep. Easy, right?"

Britt: "Not sure I can get them all."

Polly: "One at a time should be fine. You put them to sleep as they come and no one will ever be able to sound the alarm. And just in case they do head there, Ohqeanos will destroy the alarms."

Ohqeanos: "I will?"

Polly: "Yes y-- uh oh."

Ohqeanos: "I don't like uh oh..."

Polly: "Guess who's awake."

Ohqeanos holds out his hands expecting his turn with the binoculars but she hands them back to Britt. Ohqeanos sighs.

Britt: "He's awake. He's broken his cage. He's chasing guards around..."

He lowers the binoculars.

Polly: "So... change of plan. We wait for him to kill all the guards, then we go in and put him to sleep."

Britt: "That's a bit grim. You're happy for him to go killing all those soldiers and their clockwork rifles?"

Polly: "Do you want to go down there?"

Britt rolls onto his back and looks up at the stars.

Britt: "Not really no."

Polly follows suit and then Ohqeanos.

Britt: "Look at those stars... somewhere out there... is Earth."

The sounds of gunfire, explosions, screaming and shouting drifts on the wind.

Polly: "And Jupiter. It's a wonderful place. You're going to love it, Br-- I mean Ohqeanos."

She looks at Ohqeanos with an apologetic look.

Britt: "If it's anything like last time I was there, you're going to hate it, dude."

Ohqeanos: "Yeah..."

Britt: "Is he still there, by the way?"

Polly turns back to Britt.

Polly: "Who?"

Britt: "Marduck."

Polly: "Uh... you mean the god?"

Britt: "Who else!? Big... bird face. Actually his body was more birdy. His face was all human and chomped people!"

Polly: "Marduck is... a myth. Like all gods, Britt."

Britt stares at Polly with shock. But realises they're a little close for their head to face each other without getting intimate. Britt sits up. He could only think of Marduck chomping down on the bones of Ptolemy. He starts to feel queasy.

Ohqeanos: "The battle's over..."

Britt turns around. Ohqeanos is already belly down again and peeking through the binoculars.

Ohqeanos: "I see the monster."

Polly: "Great."

Ohqeanos: "He's... just sitting there..."

Britt: "Worn out from all that exercise, I imagine."

Ohqeanos: "But he... he never gets worn out."

Britt: The Legend - cont.

Britt, Polly and Ohqeanos approach the base as quietly as they could manage. The Hulk was sitting on a box at the gate. He stared at the tarmac and didn't budge. Somehow he looks smaller, weaker and less of a brutish monster but Britt thought it was just a trick of the low light and his meeker posture.

Polly: "Okay. Dose him in tea and we can drag him--"

Hulk: "No."

The beast didn't look up.

Hulk: "Don't... do it."

Britt, whose hands were already raised, leant over to Polly without taking his eyes from Hulk and mutters.

Britt: "He's... talking... what do I do?"

Ohqeanos: "Can you... understand us?"

Hulk: "Yes... I... understand."

Britt: "I've never heard him speak so much before."

Ohqeanos: "The drugs are diminishing. I don't know what's going to happen to him now. He could become the small guy he used to be... he may balance out... he may..."

Hulk: "Die? Will... I... die?"

Ohqeanos: "Hopefully no. Do you know who we are?"

Hulk: "Americans!"

Britt: "I'm Roman actually... and she's from Jupiter. Not even close."

Ohqeanos: "I'm American!"

Britt: "Suck up."

Polly: "You have a green card."

Ohqeanos: "It counts!"

Hulk: "American... I protect... American."

Ohqeanos: "That's great. You're not going to... go ape?"

Hulk: "I am... in control. America... is in control."

He stood up from his box and finally looked up at them. Britt was now certain he had lost some size and was beginning to look more like an overly muscular man. What the scientists had put the man through seemed horrific to Britt now. How they had changed his body and mind.

Hulk: "We go."

Polly: "Yes... we go."

The Hulk started to walk after them as they led the way back up the hill and away from the base of carnage.

Britt: "Off we go to Jupiter then. As long as our new friend stays out friend and doesn't hulk out again."

Ohqeanos glanced back.

Ohqeanos: "I trust him. He's... a true American."

Britt: The Legend cont.

Britt: "Alright Russlefoot, we're back!"

Marquis: "Rosslefot!"

Britt: "Bunghole!"

Marquis: "Such a callous youth!"

Polly: "The Engine?"

Marquis: "Ready. You must be exact with your co-ordinates or you could wind up travelling across the galaxy, breaking into the next universe or going back in time to meet the dinosaurs. If this planet had dinosaurs."

Britt: "Yours had dinosaurs?"

Marquis: "Of course! Given the right co-ordinates we have a lovely spot where you can go hunting. Ride a triceratops and everything!"

Britt touched the machine.

Britt: "It goes through time and space? So, we go somewhere but we can go to the past of that somewhere?"

Marquis: "That's right."

Britt: "I know when I want to be. That bloody Marduck cost me centuries throwing me through space. I want to go back."

Polly: "No! We're going to Jupiter, Britt! Stop!"

They both start pressing buttons on the machine and ...

BANG!!!

Britt opened his eyes. He was still with Oheanos, Kaptin (who had remained with the Marquis earlier), Polly and the Hulk. However they had now changed location.

Britt: "Damnit. This isn't Earth! This is bloody Jupiter!"

Polly: "... is it?"

Britt looked around and nodded.

Britt: "Absolutely. Don't you recognise it?"

Polly: "Some of it... but it's different. This is... you've taken us to the past Britt!!"

Britt: "The past of bloody Jupiter! There's no way I'm getting thrown to Earth this time. I demand a spaceship."

Ohqeanos: "You wanted to come to 1555, Britt?"

Britt: "What? No! That's way too late!"

Ohqeanos holds up a newspaper.

Ohqeanos: "And it's from Earth too."

Polly: "That's impossible! Britt is the only person from Earth to ever come here."

Man: "Not quite true, young lady."

Britt: "Who the buggery are you?"

Man: "Michel."

He shakes Britt's hand.

Michel: "I'm a follower of yours, Britticus. Britticus the Legend it is! How marvellous. I predicted you'd be here! Curious though. Your aura tells me that you've come quite a bit further than Earth and... you're not of our time."

Britt: "Aura?"

Ohqeanos' jaw drops.

Ohqeanos: "I know who you are!"

Michel: "Well I did just introduce myself!"

Ohqeanos: "Nostradamus!"

Michel: "The family name. Yes."

Britt cont.

Maester Funster: "I don't believe it! It's true!"

Britt: "I don't believe that your name is actually 'Funster'. You have cruel parents."

They had been taken through the palace to a circular room with a large star chart painted on the ground. Yet the star chart moved, ever so slowly, as the stars of the galaxy moved. The star chart delighted Britt immensely and he decided that would one day be his goal - space; the final frontier. Ohqeanos too had been obsessed with it and the two of them stared down at the marvel. Until Polly walked over it without a care.

Maester Funster had been looking through a stupidly oversized book that prescribed names for future generations of the royal family. Each generation was limited to a specific selection of names and those names were illegal for use by anyone other than the royal family. Which made things difficult because nobody knew what those names actually were until they were arrested and accused of treason. So Polly's name, Ptolly, had been decided two decades ago. Two decades from 1555.

Britt: "I suppose it means you don't end up with terrible parents naming their kids after cartoon characters or whatever drugs they'd been taking at the time."

Kaptin: "And what are Polly's kids names going to be? Bit rubbish that some old bloke centuries ago got to decide the name of your kids, right Ohqeanos."

Ohqeanos was now staring at Polly's back. Evidently, from his expression, his children would never be named by some ingrate from another world. Creativity was the rule with names. His parents had named him using a dousing stick and chalk outlines of letters in the tarmac.

Nostradamus: "And now some bad news..."

Britt: "What? What's up?"

Nostradamus: "Oh, not from me!"

A guard burst in.

Guard: "The Queen is dead!"

Nostradamus: "Shocking!"

Britt: "How..."

Ohqeanos: "It's Nostradamus. That's what he does."

Britt: "Look, Mike, I'm onto you! You're up to something. I don't believe in any of this fortune telling rubbish!"

Nostradamus: "Polly is about to be made temporary Queen."

Maester Funster: "Ptolly, you will have to be our temporary Queen..."

Britt: "What?"

He turned to Polly and the Maester.

Britt: "What!?"

Maester Funster: "Well... The Princess is... she's... absconded."

Polly: "You have got to be kidding me..."

Britt: "Does this mean you got what you wanted, Princess? Can I go home now?"

Polly: "No! I am not supposed to be Queen! I'm supposed to marry Ohqeanos!"

Britt began to open his mouth but Polly cut him off.

Polly: "In our time to stop a war!"

Britt: "Feck."

Britt - cont.

A few days later, Britt was sat at a long table as an honorary guest of Queen Ptetra - who was, in fact, Ptolly. She sat at the head of the long table, several people away from Britt, and looked very uncomfortable in her royal garb that consisted of purple and gold layers and layers of fabric. On her head was a very tall headdress that threatened to topple over and club the nearest man in the face at any given moment.

Britt was sat with Kaptin to his right and a smelly fat lord on his left. The Lord, as with most Jupiterians, had decided to attend completely shirtless and his ripply fat was on show for everyone to see. Britt wondered, if they were able to choose how they looked then why in the name of Heaven did the Lord choose that look?

Opposite Britt was Ohqeanos and Nostradamus, though they were barely visible above all the cakes, meats and other assorted foodstuff that Britt couldn't identify. The Hulk beast had been left to roam the kennels with the other animals. Poor brute.

Britt: "So how do we get out of this one?"

Kaptin: "I kind of like it here! All the food you can eat!"

Britt: "Which is zero in your case!"

Kaptin: "A man can dream!"

Britt: "You have no brain to dream with."

Kaptin: "You always have to ruin everything for me, don't you?"

Britt: "Actually I don't even know how you can talk. You have no tongue. No vocal chords."

Kaptin: "I decided questioning it would make the magic go away. So I don't question it. And neither will you."

Britt: "You are kinda creepy though. I should probably have stopped talking to you a while ago."

Suddenly the turkey, or what Britt called a turkey with extra limbs and heads, was skewered and lifted up. Ohqeanos peeped below the fat creature, suspended in the air with a long knife.

Ohqeanos: "We need to save Polly."

Britt: "If you drop that... you'll only have yourself to blame when my neighbour tries to eat you instead."

Ohqeanos: "I'm being serious!"

Britt glanced at the Fat Lord then turned back to Ohqeanos.

Britt: "Me too!"

Ohqeanos: "We need to find the real Queen Ptetra!"

Britt: "I think we should just vamoosh and leave them all to it. Polly shouldn't be Queen at all, she shouldn't be here. Mucking about with this stuff will summon a very angry woman who once puked time. Seriously, let's just go."

Nostradamus' head appeared below the turkey-beast.

Nostradamus: "Actually she can and you should go find the missing Queen. It is Written."

Britt: "Stop saying that! It doesn't mean anything! Stop trying to sound all... spooky."

Ohqeanos: "Please Britt. You have to do this. It's... it's your fault to begin with!"

Britt: "Way to charm a guy."

Ohqeanos: "Charm doesn't work on you, I've noticed. But guilt does!"

Nostradamus: "He has a point. Your Character Sheet very clearly-- uh... Did I say Character Sheet? I meant... you aura. Yes. Your aura is looking very guilty."

Britt points a finger at Nostradamus.

Britt: "I'm onto you, buddy! I don't know what your game is, but I'll find out!"

Suddenly the turkey-beast fell from the knife. And smacked Britt in the face. Rendering him completely unconscious...

Britt - cont.

Britt woke up to find himself watching the floor wobble by. He looks up to see the face of the Hulk, albeit more human-looking than ever.

Britt: "This is very undignified."

Ohqeanos: "Sorry, Britt. You should put him down now, fella."

Hulk dropped Britt.

Britt: "Ouch... more gently next time, okay?"

He found he was lying in a strange red weed. It was sticky and looked like tubes, but seemed as abundant as grass on Earth. He pulled himself up from the red weed and dusted himself down.

Ohqeanos: "You wouldn't wake up. I was worried you'd gone into one of your Sleeps."

Britt: "Luckily not. But even a normal sleep for me is a Sleep, if you follow me. Where the Hell did you bring me to?"

Ohqeanos: "The search for the real Ptetra! She was last seen riding her horse out here."

Britt: "They have horses?"

Ohqeanos: "It looks like a horse... but has raindbow hair and talks apparently. I decided to just roll with it."

Britt: "Great... and why is Polly here?"

Polly: "Why wouldn't I be!?"

Britt: "You're supposed to be Queening back at the palace. And look at what you're wearing!"

Polly was still dressed as he Queen and having trouble just walking.

Polly: "I have to keep up appearances."

Britt: "And Michel?"

Nostradamus: "I thought it would be wonderful to watch you in action, Britt! I knew you'd wake up! That's why I insisted you be brought along!"

Ohqeanos: "He was right once again..."

Britt: "Yeah right..."

Kaptin: "You didn't ask why I'm here!"

Britt: "You're everywhere I go these days, Kwanza. I considered trying to shake you a while back but I realised it would probably just make you cling to me even more."

Kaptin: "I think I was just insulted..."

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-Nine

Britt: "So why are we in the middle of nowhere?"

Polly: "There's been talk of a dragon in these parts."

Kaptin: "And dragons always equal a damsel in distress! Always!"

Kaptin Kwanza leapt onto a rock and started to strikes poses.

Britt: "Stop trying to flex your arms, you have no muscles."

Kaptin: "Way to insult a guy, Chief."

Britt: "I mean it, literally."

Ohqeanos: "Over here!"

They rushed up the hill to gaze over the fields of red tuber weed. There, over the hills and far away, sat a massive (and very fat) lizard. Britt wasn't sure if he'd call it a dragon per se. It was dragon-like but it had no wings. And it looked very lazy indeed.

Britt: "I'm guessing it ate her."

Polly: "Britt!"

Britt: "What? Look at it! Besides, isn't that what dragons do? Eat stuff?"

Polly: "If it has eaten her, it means I'm stuck as Queen in this era, Britt. We don't want that."

Britt: "You don't want that."

Her head turned to him in an instant and glared with bright wide eyes. Britt flinched then shrugged.

Britt: "Okay, okay! Whatever, Princess!"

Ohqeanos: "Technically she's Queen right now."

Polly: "That's right. I am Queen. Maybe I should start exercising some rights as queen! Like making you bow down!"

She was still shouting at Britt but to Ohqeanos he felt it was she was playing with him rather than being genuinely aggressive. Ohqeanos really didn't understand how women were supposed to work. He wondered if he should be more like Britt. But Britt, while interested in Polly, also seemed very nonchalant about everything.

Britt: "That'd be the bloody day."

Nostradamus: "Forgive me for interrupting but your dragon is on the move."

They stood and watched as the fat beast got up, scratched it scaly behind, and started marching across the fields. Straight towards them. Britt glanced at Polly and she at him. Neither had an answer. They both looked at Nostradamus, who just smiled blissfully.

Britt: "Should we be running for our lives right now?"

Ohqeanos: "I'm happy with that suggestion."

Nostradamus: "No no. There's no need. You don't run."

Britt: "Are you ordering us not to run or are you using your future sight and know that we don't run?"

Polly: "Only my mother gives me orders!"

Britt: "Oh, wow. That's rich. Didn't I say the same thing a while ago?"

Polly: "And!? Do I order you about?"

Britt: "Yes!!"

Polly: "I do not!"

Britt: "It certainly seems that way to me!"

Kaptin: "You two bicker like an old married couple."

Hulk: "You make my head hurt..."

Dragon: "Mine too!"

Everyone gasped, distracted by the quarrelling. His big green head reached up to the tall cliff so that they could all stared into his bulging yellow eye.

Britt: "Uh... sorry?"

The dragon's eye swivelled to Polly.

Britt nudged her.

Polly: "Ouch! Fine! I'm sorry too."

Dragon: "Good. Now keep it down. A dragon's gotta catch her beauty sleep!"

Ohqeanos: "You're a girl?"

The dragon was turning away when she heard Ohqeanos' unthinking comment. She was instantly back. Her claws gripped the edge of the cliff, cracking the rock, and her teeth barred. Slips of fire escaped the gaps in her teeth.

Dragon: "Yes! Why!?"

Ohqeanos: "Uh... ah..."

Polly facepalmed.

Britt: "Uh... sorry! He's totally gay. He's a bad judge of female beauty."

Dragon's eye turned to Britt. His back became rigid with panic and regret for saving his bumbling descendant.

Dragon: "Oh? And I suppose you're a much better judge of beauty, are you?"

Britt: "Of course!"

Dragon: "Well?"

Britt: "Well... uh... you have... lovely eyes. Yes. Simply gorgeous. Boundless beauty, in fact. They're an incredible shape and the colours are just... uh... mesmerising! Yellow... white parts... and red iris. It's a classic kind of beauty for your species, I imagine?"

Dragon: "Well yes. I guess I do have a classical look don't I?"

The dragon stroked her scaly cheek.

Dragon: "And!?"

Britt: "And... uh... your teeth! I have to say... wow! Perfect they are. Nice and white! And sharp! Very, very... sharp. I'm amazed. You must have a lot of consideration for your... hygiene. I appreciate a woman who maintains a high level of cleanliness."

Kaptin: "No you-- ow!"

Britt: "Ow!"

Britt rubbed his elbow. Nudging a skeleton was far more painful than nudging a Jupiterian woman.

Dragon: "I do like to keep my teeth in mint condition, you're right. It doesn't do to bare a smile filled with gore-stained stumps, does it?"

Britt: "Indeed!"

Dragon: "And I do like to eat a lot! Haha!"

The dragon chuckled in her dragony way.

Britt: "Really!? I would never have guessed! Your so... lean!"

Dragon tittered.

Dragon: "Haha, oh you!"

Britt: "Um... I don't suppose you could answer a question for us?"

The dragon suddenly became aware of everyone else again. She glared in particular at Polly. Britt edged further away from the temporary queen for two reasons; firstly, in case she was now dinner and secondly to ensure the dragon didn't think he was with her. The dragon nodded after a while.

Dragon: "What can I do for you, you cutie human you!"

Britt rose an eyebrow at that but decided to stay on topic.

Britt: "I'm looking for a girl."

Dragon: "Well you found one! Hahaha!"

Britt: "Sorry, I mean a specific one. Not for me, mind you! I've been asked to find her. For... that guy there."

He pointed at Ohqeanos.

Britt: "I's... uh... his fiancée."

Polly rolled her eyes but didn't speak out against the lie. The dragon looked at Ohqeanos and shook her big head.

Dragon: "Then I'm sorry to tell you, there's only one girlie I saw come by here and she was with another man. Another human at that. I suppose there's just something about the way a human talks that gets all the girls.. hot..."

The dragon bat her eyelids at Britt. For a moment he choked but, in time, found his voice again.

Britt: "You know, I think you may just have a point there."

Polly: "Do you know where they went?"

The dragon eyed Polly suspiciously.

Ohqeanos: "Please, Ms Dragon, it's important."

Dragon: "Ooooh, you poor little thing. Your love run away with another man. If any man of mine did that... I'd tear his throat open. I hope you do the same!"

The heroic troupe all cringed at the thought.

Dragon: "She went thataway. I didn't get a good look at them. They were just specks on the horizon. I was busy eating sheep."

Britt: "There are sheep on Jupiter?"

Polly: "Focus."

Britt: "Right."

Dragon: "If you hurry, you might just catch up to them."

Britt: "Thank you so much for your help. There wouldn't happen to be a Mr Dragon in your life would there?"

Dragon: "Alas no. Why do you ask?"

Britt: "I just thought I should!"

He grinned at her and she tittered again before coquettishly rising her shoulder at him. Then she turned and stomped back to her nest. Britt sighed with immense relief.

Ohqeanos: "That was... actually kind of impressive."

Polly: "Just how many women do you seduce in a week?"

Britt: "Nowhere near as many as I'd like... can we just get this over with?"

Polly: "I don't see how we could possibly reach Ptetra anytime soon. We don't even know exactly where they're headed."

Hulk: "I can."

Polly: "Maybe, but your diplomatic skills leave a lot to be desired..."

The Hulk grabbed Britt and slung the human over his beastly shoulder.

Britt: "Whoa! Hey!"

Hulk: "We catch!"

Polly: "Wait! No-- gone."

Hulk leapt into the air and was gone, with Britt over his shoulder. The four left behind started running after them.

Britt: The Legend - Continues...

Britt: "Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooly--!!!!"

The arc of Hulk's jump ended and he landed on the ground. Just long enough for Britt to catch his breath for the next jump.

Britt: "Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap--!!!!!"

Hulk: "I see something."

Britt: "Turn around you great lummox! I can't see anything but your backside!"

Hulk slung Britt from his shoulder and then planted him, feet-first, onto the ground. Britt's legs wobbled from the sudden strain, but he managed to stay upright. What he saw was a large and strange-looking building. A gigantic cog gently clocked around and around with a rhythmic tick-tock. It looked like a mechanical watermill minus the water. The two of them approached the building and Britt peered in through the window.

Britt: "Should have known. Giant cog kind of gave it away."

He banged on the glass.

Britt: "Oi! Russlefoot! Open up!"

The door swung open to reveal a young man. He had dark, unkempt hair, brown eyes and lightly tanned Italian skin. He was wearing a suit of clothes given to him by the Americans.

Britt: "How..."

Britt2: "Yeah. It's weird."

Britt2 allowed our regular Britt to enter the cog-house. In the house was Rosslefot, busy with his time engine, and a girl. She looked a little like Polly but not overly so. She had straight, blonde hair that was cropped at the chin. Her eyes were green and her skin pale. Only the shapes of her features bore any resemblance to Polly. She stared from Britt2 to Britt.

Queen Ptetra: "Wow. You weren't lying."

Britt2: "Of course not! I never lie!"

Britt: "Except to dragons that fancy me."

Britt2: "Oh yeah. That doesn't count."

Britt: "Russlefoot! Who's this guy?"

Marquis Rosslefot: "He's you. From your very near future."

Britt: "Why are you here?"

Marquis Rosslefot: "When you and your girlfriend--"

Britt & Britt2: "She's definitely not my girlfriend."

Marquis Rosslefot: "... You and that woman almost broke my machine. I figured something dreadful may have happened to you all and you'd been stranded with dinosaurs or something so I followed your time trail to find you. No dinosaurs. Unluckily. I was looking forward to some hunting and riding."

Britt: "There's a big fat dragon out there."

Maarquis Rosllefot: "No sport in it, boyo. Too fat and slow. No wings to fly away."

Britt: "Yeah... so I still don't know why there's two of me."

Chronos: "Because you're a time-jumping little scamp! That's why!"

Britt2: "Ouch!"

Chronos grabbed Britt2 by the ear. She pointed a hand towards Britt. Our Britt.

Chronos: "Why did you do this, huh?"

Britt held his hands up.

Britt: "I don't know! I haven't done it yet!"

She reverted her attention to Britt2.

Chronos: "You are coming with me."

Britt2: "Wait! Wait! I had to save her!"

They all look at Ptetra. She waved meekly in return. Chronos then looked at Rosselfot.

Chronos: "You're the one with the time engine, aren't you?"

Marquis Rosslefot: "Why yes! Marvellous invention. It uses q--"

Chronos: "Why'd you send him back in time?"

Marquis Rosslefot: "Well I haven't done it yet, but I presume it was to save this dashing young lady here!"

Chronos: "That's not a good enough reason to be mucking about with time!"

Britt: "It was probably written."

Britt2: "Yeah, pretty sure of it."

Chronos: "What're you talking about?"

Britt2: "Nostradamus said it's all been written already. Like he was reading our... book..."

The two Britts look at each other.

Chronos: "You're still coming with me."

Britt2: "But--!"

They zip out of time and space and are gone.

Britt: "Well... that was eventful. Hello. You must be the missing Queen. When that dragon said you'd run away with a man, we all thought... well you know!"

She smiled at him with something akin to desire and Britt rolled his eyes. Maybe the dragon was bloody right.

Marquis Rosselfot: "Coordinates set. Time for you to go, boyo!"

Britt: "Go? Go where!?"

Marquis Rosselfot: "To save this young lady, of course!"

Britt: "Wait... I'm actually going to go and do that?"

Marquis Rosselfot: "If you don't go, I rather think that Time Lady is going to be even more angry that she already is."

Ptetra: "You do want to save me, don't you!?"

She looked at him with pleading eyes.

Ptetra: "I'd be dead if it weren't for you!"

Britt: "Well... you're not crazy are you?"

Ptetra: "I don't think so..."

Britt: "You don't transform yourself into big scary things, do you?"

Ptetra: "No! I usually use my transform ability to turn into vases of flowers and hide from the maids."

Britt: "She seems harmless enough. Fine. I'll go."

He grabbed the machine.

Ptetra: "Though I did turn into a man-eating shark once. I ate a whole tank full of goldfish."

Britt: "Wait! I changed--"

ZAP!

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Forty

Britt grumbled something about 'never time-travelling again' as he staggered to his feet. He breathes a deep sigh of frustration. All this adventuring lark was quite beyond what he wanted to be doing with eternity. Riding about from city-to-city, woman-to-woman; that was what he wanted to be doing. Running around saving Princesses was for the birds.

He found himself in the palace. He knew where his past self would be and made a mental note to avoid those locations at all costs. He wandered through the rooms, realising he had no bloody idea where the Princess would be at this time. He decided to keep on walking because he had to find her sooner or later, after all he had saved her in the future. Or rather in his future. Confusing.

He found the bed chambers and glanced into one. Nothing. The next. Polly's room. He eyed about. The furnishing were guest rooms so he couldn't get much about the woman from that. No laundry strewn on the floor. She's neat. He resisted the urge to go and sneak in and peak at her things. Why Polly's secrets interested Britt, he didn't know. And decided he needed to get away from that woman as soon as possible. Leave Ohqeanos to marry her and move on. Well on.

Next room. Nothing. This continued for some time until he finally came to rooms of more grandiosity. He opened a door to see the figure of a man wielding some kind of light sabre!

Britt: "Get away from her, you fiend!"

Too late! The man stabbed the figure lying in bed. The man turned to see Britt.

Man: "Too late. The Queen is dead..."

Britt: "Queen? She's not queen yet..."

Man: "But there can be no witnesses!"

The man pointed the light sabre at Britt.

Britt: "Cripes!"

He Gebbed it, somehow finding speed where the was no speed. He ran down the corridor and found a door at random. He swung it open and slammed it shut behind him.

Woman: "What the devil!?"

Britt squealed like a girl as the woman startled him. He turned to see Ptetra sit bolt upright in bed. Britt sighed a sigh of relief like never before.

Britt: "I totally thought you were the murderer!"

Ptetra: "Murderer!?"

Britt: "Quick! We have to hide, Princess!"

She hopped out of bed. There was nowhere to hide. Britt looked out of the window. Too high to jump. Ptetra opened the closet, grabbed Britt and shoved him inside. She climbed in after him and they squeezed up in silence and dresses.

The door of the room creaked open. The murderer entered his red sabre illuminating the room, but not his face. He neared the bed and pulled back the sheet to confirm nobody was in there. He checked under the bed. He stalked around the room. He checked the window. Britt felt like his stomach was about to drop. He considered how effective his powers of tea would be against a light sabre-wielding maniac. Fortunately he didn't have to find out. Screaming and shouting came from the corridor and the murderer made a run for it. When the coast was clear Britt burst out of the closet.

Ptetra: "That was a very tight squeeze, wasn't it?"

She seemed to be enjoying herself more than she ought to. Britt tried to breathe.

Ptetra: "Relax. Relax. He's gone now."

Britt: "I should... say that to you! Look... I'm sorry but I think... I think your mother... She..."

Ptetra: "Dead?"

Britt nodded.

Ptetra: "Finally! The old witch had it coming, I tell you."

Britt: "Wait... what?"

Ptetra: "But that killer got away. That we can't have. We should go after him!"

She ran out of the room.

Britt: "Wait! Wait! Don't chase a murderer! That's in the survival guide! Like rule one!"

Britt went after her. He chased her silk nightie down the corridor, turned right and then skidded into her back. They both fell over. He looked up to see the killer looming over them.

Britt: "Bollocks."

Ptetra: "Stop! In the name of the Queen!"

Ptetra shouted from beneath Britt. She looked up.

Ptetra: "Ah."

Murderer: "The Queen is dead, little one..."

Ptetra: "Actually that makes me Queen. So. Stop in my name!"

The murderer spread his arms wide.

Murderer: "I've stopped. What now?"

Ptetra: "Uh... surrender?"

He grinned a bright, white smile from beneath his dark hood. He finally pulled it back to reveal red skin and stark white hair. Evidently he must be some kind of alien but Britt had no idea what he was.

Ptetra: "A Salmitton? On Jupiter?"

Britt: "A what?"

Ptetra: "They're a race from Mars."

Britt: "There are people living on Mars too?"

Murderer: "Typical human. Clueless and groping around in the dark."

He tapped his unextended light sabre hilt in his hands.

Murderer: "And it looks like you've groped more than you can handle right now."

Britt jumped to his feet.

Britt: "I wasn't groping anything."

Ptetra got to her feet.

Ptetra: "I wasn't complaining. It's fine."

She dusted off Britt's shirt. Britt found himself quite confused. She then pointed at the Salmitton.

Ptetra: "It's jail for you, Martian! You can't get away with murdering a Queen. Even if she deserved it."

Britt: "You Jupiterians. You're all mental cases."

Murderer: "Sounds like we agree on something, human! Maybe I'll spare you for that alone."

Britt: "Sounds good to me!"

Murderer: "The little Princess dies, however."

Ptetra: "I see no princesses here! Only a Queen!"

Murderer: "Queen then."

His light sabre ignited with a haze of blue. There was the strange sound of echoing voices coming from the bizarre contraption. As he rose it, those eerie voices seemed to grow louder with the swinging action.

Ptetra: "My knight in shining armour. Are you going to save me again?"

Britt: "Me!?"

She shoved him before her.

Britt: "Oh Hell!"

From his hands burst forth a sudden stream of scorching hot team, just as the sword flickered with movement. The tea burst into the Martian's face and he cried out with sudden pain from the burn. Britt, confidence building, clenched his feet and the tea followed suit. He then punched the guy with a tea-fist as big as a man's chest. The murderer toppled over and rolled down the staircase behind him. When he hit the floor, he was still alive and conscious but dazed.

Ptetra: "Wooo! That was incredible! Such wondrous powers!"

Britt: "Yeah. Was pretty awesome wasn't it?"

Murderer: "Don't think you've won yet. In English my name translates as Decline. And I am the decline of the aristocracy. I will take you all down and no human can stop me."

Britt: "Run Princess!"

Ptetra: "Queen!"

She ran and Britt threw a waterfall of tea on Decline before running himself. The Salmitton was strong, able to withstand even scorching tea without being scarred. He didn't want to stand around and find out if sleepy time tea would work. Better to just run and get away from Decline.

They ran down the corridor until they found some stairs and stated down them. They reached the next floor down. Then the next. Then, at the bottom of the stairs Decline skidded to a halt. He must have gone down his own stairs and along the lower corridor to catch up to them. Ptetra turned and ran past Britt, who then followed her.

Decline: "You can't escape!"

Ptetra: "Guards! Guards! Where the Hell are all the guards!"

Decline: "Most of them are dead, Princess! And those that remain..."

Some guards finally burst out of a room down the corridor.

Decline: "...soon will be."

Britt heard the guards cry out behind him as he and the Queen ran. He wasn't sure if he should turn back to help them or keep running. Ultimately his own life was worth more to him than the guards' lives were. Ptetra suddenly stopped and motioned Britt to follow her into an alcove. There they found a small hatch. A secret passage! What palace didn't have one or two tucked away?

They crawled through the hatch. As they went all Britt had to look at was Ptetra's behind waggling back and forth. He didn't complain. Eventually she opened another hatch and they were in the gardens. Britt eyed the weird vegetation. A big, yellow, gloopy bush made his stomach churn. Ptetra led him through the gardens and into the city. She let out a cheer when they escaped.

Ptetra: "Wooo! What a thrill that was! I'll have to make sure everyone's on alert for that Decline fellow from now on."

Britt: "He's still in there somewhere, Princess."

Ptetra: "Queen. And I know. You're right. We should elope!"

Britt: "Uh... what?"

Ptetra: "Runaway! We should run away out of the city! He can't find me out there!"

Britt: "Runaway? Right. Yeah! Actually I know exactly where to go. My friend has this... cog-mill... cottage... place. We should be safe there. In fact I know we will. My friends will come looking for us in a couple of days. Actually, I'm surprised we got to us so quickly now that I think about it."

Ptetra: "That last part made no sense."

Britt: "I'm from the future! I know I saved you because I met you... in the future. But that's my past."

Ptetra: "I understand."

Britt: "Wait... you do!? I don't think I even understand it and I lived it!"

Ptetra: "Time travel. I get it! Not sure if I believe you though. Is that your chat-up line for all the girls?"

Britt: "You think it would work?"

Ptetra: "Well, it's original at least."

And so they headed out of the city. First they followed a path but then veered off of it to better hide themselves from pursuers. They walked across the now familiar fields of red tubers. Mostly they spoke of their lives and what they'd done. Britt had lots of long stories to tell, while Ptetra's tended to be palace-confined gossip.

Britt: "And why do you hate your mother so much?"

Ptetra: "She was evil. And I mean that literally. Summoned the dead and all that. Worshipped Marduck and fed him sacrifices. Apparently inspired by some ancient Princess that was eaten by Marduck once. He got a taste for it."

Horrid memories resurfaced briefly.

Britt: "Okay. We should change the topic of conversation. Oh hey, I recognise this cliff!"

Ptetra: "I know what we can change it to..."

Suddenly she turned and looped her arms around Britt's neck and drew him into a hungry kiss. Her arms moved and her hands caressed his neck, his chest, then she started to tug off his shirt.

Britt: "Wow. You're forward, aren't you? My kind of woman."

Ptetra: "And you're my kind of man, Britt. You're going to be a great King."

Britt stopped and jerked back.

Britt: "King? As in, you actually want to get married to me?"

Ptetra: "Of course! What I like I keep!"

Britt: "I'm not sure that's a good idea. I'm not really much of a... settling down kind of guy."

Ptetra smiled. It was sweet but arrogant. She put her hand on his neck but it was slightly firm grip. Tender but aggressive and dominating.

Ptetra: "My Britt. I'm Queen of Jupiter now. And the Queen of Jupiter gets what she wants."

She shoved him with sudden unexpected strength so he fell onto his back. Next minute she was ontop of him, still in nothing but her nightie! Britt was going through several very, very confused feelings about that moment. Luckily the overriding fear of marriage kept him under control, despite the incredibly passionate moment.

Britt: "Wait, wait. Look. I'm all for the sex, but not this whole marriage thing. I really--"

Dragon: "Oi! You two! Go get a room, will ya!? Shagging in public! Ought to be a crime!!"

The Dragon was sitting in her usual spot and shouted over the fields at them as loudly as if she were right next to them. Ptetra seemed to consider her options but, fortunately, decided against having it off in front of an angry, fat dragon. She got up and a large part of Britt regretted that she did. He breathed in deeply. Slowly. Then got up.

Britt: "We should... get to that cottage."

After a while of awkward silence, Britt decided to be the first to speak.

Britt: "So. What do you think will happen to that Decline geezer? Man he was a nut job, right?"

Ptetra: "I'll have him imprisoned."

Britt: "Glad you're not into sacrifices too!"

Ptetra: "Oh! That's not a bad idea!"

Britt stared at her and she laughed.

Ptetra: "Just joking! You're actually quite easy to freak out, you know that?"

Britt: "Sorry. Let's just say I've experience with Jupiterians before..."

He then told her the tale of his previous visit to Jupiter, including the gory details. Ptetra vowed to have the story archived in the palace so that future generations would know about Ptolemy and her actions. Britt, however, felt Ptetra was more excited by the tale of Ptolemy rather than disturbed by the woman's actions. But the story filled the time and they were soon at the cog-mill. This time Britt knocked on the door. It opened instantly.

Marquis Rosslefot: "Ah! It's you! I'd been wondering where you and your people had gotten to! I built this house while I was waiting for your presence to be made on my scanners. Peculiar that they didn't pick you up actually..."

He tapped a scanning machine but nothing happened.

Britt: "Is it plugged in? That's usually the problem..."

Marquis Rosselfot: "Of course it's--! Oh."

He plugged it in and the scanner came to life.

Marquis Rosselfot: "Nobody's perfect, right?"

He checked the scanner while Britt and Ptetra sat down. Britt was trying to figure out how he could get Ptetra to see reason. Especially a method that still included sex. However the Marquis interrupted his thoughts pretty quickly.

Marquis Rosslefot: "Aha! I have you here, boyo. But it seems your friends are on their way... actually... seems you are on your way too..."

Britt: "Yeah, I imagine you're about to find out where."

There's a sudden hammering at the window and Britt shot to his feet in panic. Then heard himself shouting.

Scene from Chapter Thirty-Nine proceeds.

Britt: The Legend - continues.

Britt saw everyone was frozen in place, except for himself and Chronos. Even past Britt was frozen in place. He waved his hand n front of his past self's face. Nothing.

Britt: "This is a neat trick you have, you know?"

Chronos: "I know."

She sat down and looked tired. Britt joined her.

Chronos: "Don't think you can cozy up to me, Britt. You were totally about to sleep with that blonde there. I saw you."

Britt: "I wasn't trying to-- why does everyone think the worst of me?"

Chronos: "Well alright."

Britt: "I mean, I'm not saying I wouldn't. You're a pretty woman but--"

Chronos: "That's why people think the worst."

Britt stopped talking.

Chronos: "You're a problem, Britt. A real problem. But I feel some of that problem is my fault and so special leniency should be awarded to you."

Britt: "I thought you didn't want to get cozy?"

Chronos: "Not what I meant! I mean... you need a licence."

Britt: "A what?"

Chronos: "I time-travelling licence. They're not so uncommon as you'd think. But there are rules around it. Like not completely disturbing the timeline, you know? Can I trust you with this kind of thing, Britt?"

Britt: "Sure! Who else has got a licence?"

Chronos: "Lots of people. It's more rare that they break the rules once they have a licence. That God damn Highemperor broke the rules even though I gave him a licence. The B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S.!"

Britt: "That's a bit harsh, don't you think?"

Chronos: "It's an acronym. It means--"

Britt: "Don't care what it means. It's going to be something dumb."

Chronos: "... do you want this freakin' licence or not!?"

Britt: "Yes! Yes please!"

Chronos: "Good! Then don't back talk! Now I know what my father feels like talking to me..."

Britt: "Wow. I can't imagine you having a father..."

Chronos: "It's Losien."

Britt: "Who?"

Chronos: "Uh... you'll find out one day. In your future."

Britt: "Ayaaa. More time stuff."

Chronos: "That's right! Okay, here."

She holds out a shiny, holographic badge that has Britt's awful 'passport photo' picture on it. He didn't even remember taking one. He slipped it into his shirt pocket.

Chronos: "So... what year do you want to go to?"

Britt: "Any time I like?"

Chronos tapped Britt's chest where the card was stashed.

Chronos: "You get about ten jumps with this thing. Only ten. Make them count."

Britt looked up to see himself and Hulk. He thought of Polly and Ohqeanos. He felt guilty but he wanted to go back. Back in time. Away from this...

He tapped his chest. He cast one more look at Ptetra. Would marrying her be all that bad? Maybe not. But it wasn't what he wanted. Not yet. The card activated and he felt lightning streak through his body. He was then gone and time resumed within Rosslefot's cottage. Without him...

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Forty-One

Britt opened his eyes after teleporting to the past. Rosselfot had been going on about how awesome it was so he thought he'd check it out for himself. Dinosaurs!

He looked up.

T-Rex: "RAAAAAAAWRRRRR!"

Britt: "Crapcakes."

Britt: The Legend - Continues

Several weeks later and Britt is riding a triceratops through the ancient jungles of Earth alongside several nobles from Discharding. He's learnt to wield a steampunk blunderbuss and is wearing a long leather riding coat, top hat and a steampunk monocle that is attached to a pipe. He puff on the pipe, producing a cloud of blue sci-fi drug smoke.

Duke of Tattineige: "I say, old bean! I spy an argentinosaurus way over yonder!"

Even at this distance, Britt doesn't need the kaleidoscopic-like binoculars to see the massive beast.

Baron von Britt: "Gather the gear, gentlemen! It's time to hunt some big game."

Britt: The Legend - Continues

Several more weeks later...

Duchess of Squiremast: "I say! Are there two... men trying to fight with that T-Rex?"

Britt uses the binoculars. They whistle with steam expulsion as he zooms in. Through the binoculars he sees two men he recognises from long, long, long ago... One is dressed in black and looks, in Britt's mind, somewhat like Cathia. The other is a shaved-headed youth wearing a red cape.

Viscount Tinsdalclod: "Bloody tourists! Look at them! Coming onto our patch without so much as a by your leave!"

Baron von Britt: "It's quite alright. I doubt they'll stay long. They'll get bored and find new pastures in other times. Now, who fancies some tea and crumpets? I'll be pouring my favourite lapsang souchong this morning!"

Britt: The Legend - Continues

Baron von Britt: "Well chaps, it's been grand but I best be off!"

He puffs on his pipe and shakes the hands of the other nobles of Discharding. Apparently a whole area of Discharding was being built and the other lords were so impressed with their new companion they made him the baron of it. They said he never actually had to visit, that was optional. They never visited their own lands either. The last person he sees is the duchess who takes him aside for a private conversation.

Duchess of Squiremast: "Please do come and visit me, perhaps? My husband is away so often and I'd really like to continue our... acquaintance."

Baron von Britt: "My dear, you have been a pleasure. If I have the time I shall indeed frequent your villa in Squiremast. However, I have many adventures to be getting on with for now."

He puts his top hat on and the duchess sighs with longing adoration. She waves her handkerchief as Britt vanishes with a zap of displaced time.

Britt: The Legend - Continues

Britt creeps into the Workshop. It's late at night and he doesn't want to disturb her. He creeps around until he finds her. Asleep. Standing up.

She's slumped over her workbench with several tools around her. Whatever the machine is that she's working on, it looks complicated. Britt comes over and, gently and softly as he can, he takes the girl in his arms and carries her over to the bed. He tucks her in.

In a pile on the floor he leaves several different apparatus he'd taken from his steampunk noble-friends and writes her a note.

"I told you I'd come back one day, but you were sleeping. Thanks for everything, my dear Adélaide. You've always been my favourite descendant. And trust me, I've now met a few. Sleep well, and live a good life. Lots of love, your ancestor - Britt."

He looks at her sleeping, one last time, and pushes his tag. ZAP! The light wakes up the sleeping girl and she fumbles with her blankets before seeing the pile of tech and the note. After reading it she holds the note close to her chest and stares up at the stars through the skylight.

Adélaide: "I miss you, grandfather."

Britt: The Legend - Continues

Britt looks slung his boots onto the bar table and leant back in his chair. He was sitting outside and looks up at the stars. He wondered which one was Jupiter. Did Polly and Ohqeanos go back to the 1960s alone or did they remain, for all these decades, on Jupiter. It's the late 1500s and Britt is sharing a drink with his old friend Will.

Britt: "So I was thinking about starting a new play, Will."

Will: "That's great. Let me get my quill and we'll talk it through. I hope you're going to star in it again. Audiences loved you in Much Ado About Nothing. You have to be in the next one too."

Britt: "I'll think about it. But this play is a bit more.... serious. It's... about an old man. Powerful. Magic. Stranded on this island and he's... well he's going through a time in his life when he wonders... did I do it all right?"

Will: "Wow."