PLEASE NOTE: Instances where a memory references a page number of the NeS, it usually if not always refers to the page of the ORIGINAL Neverending Story Thread. (This thread is technically NeSquared.) For an overview of the NeS in its entirety, see here.

----------------------------------

MAIN PLOT: Memory Lane

Our heroes are journeying down the quasi-real Memory Lane, a relatively unformed and misty place, where memories of the NeS appear before them. Their bodies are in the den of the Haunted Hall of Heroes, their astral selves - for lack of a better term - projected into Memory Lane through a screen projector displaying a scrapbook.

Though this is an entertaining romp on its own, there are dire stakes involved. Villains are attempting to reach the Source of the NeS and destroy it, thus erasing the NeS from having ever existed. This erasure is also known as being Twice-Forgotten. Segments of the story in all bold text are generally indicative of being Twice-Forgotten.

The heroes are aware of the villainous trio, Darkside, Tsolo, and the Illusionist, but what they don't know is that Michael McFarlane is the true mastermind.

[quote=Cast of Heroes]Losien Simon - She is now the main character and leader of the NeS would-be-heroes, a role which she is just now becoming accustomed to acting in confidence. Extremely beautiful yet severely lacking in self-esteem - though it seems she has developed some new confidence as a side effect of her temporary possession by Darkside. By the tropes that are natural law in the story-world of the NeS, all hope of success relies on her; although it has been recently revealed that much of her family's power comes from l33t hacks! She aims to not let down either her brother and former main character, Gebohq, who is not around to help her. She is accompanied by Soriel's lustful blade, Fred, and his equally lustful cape, Carletta, both of whom only she can hear.

Al Ciao - Formerly a normal-ish looking fellow with a Charlie Brown-style shirt, jeans, and spiky neon orange hair, he is now an ectoplasmic bullet-ridden normal-ish looking fellow with a Charlie Brown-style shirt, jeans, and spiky neon orange hair, having been shot to death by his ex-girlfriend. Formerly a powerplayer known as Highemperor, he recently exorcised that aspect from himself, and that now independent personality left the NeSiverse for more epic venues. Until recently, he was briefly the incompentent ruler of Hell, aka Canada. Darkside secretly brought out his darker nature, which turned out to be the uncontrollable desire to impregnate every eligible female he can.

Rachel Pi - Incarnation of April Fools and a servant of the NeS, Rachel is both fated as Gebohq's true love and keeper of conflict within the NeS. Rachel is currently continuing to challenge the authority of Losien, both to test that Losien is strong enough to succeed in the quest and to fulfill her own selfish desire to see Losien fail for having taken Gebohq's place in his former role and his heart. Currently, she is interested by the Mop of Righteous Fury, the talismanic weapon of Janitor Bob, which has the power to break through Losien's hacks, should that become necessary.

Amal - Once "raised" in solitude by Master Thand, Amal had only the company of books provided by Thand until found and adopted by TLTE. Since then, Amal has quickly grown up into a wise and discerning young man under TLTE's tutelage, promising to become a hero the likes of which would surpass Losien and Gebohq. Amal aims to do all he can for his current caretaker, Losien, as well as keep an eye on the likes of Master Thand and Al Ciao.

Soriel - A no-nonsense, bloodthirsty swordsman, currently wounded by Knowsoul in their previous encounter. Soriel tags along mostly in hopes of satiating his hunger for battle and securing his existence as a living character (since villains have difficulty living). He gave his talking, and perverted, sword to Losien as she is the main character in need of a sword and he cannot use his whilst injured. He also gave her his cape which only Losien can hear talking. Instead he is continuing his old ambition to learn of the NeS and secretly harbours desires to usurp Master Thand's role in the NeS.

The Otter - A half-posh, half-punk, all-drunk British NeS veteran, the Otter seems to be around only because he is too drunk to take himself anywhere else for the time being. His past relationship with MaybeChilde is an unknown factor and one he has no knowledge of any resolution and so he considers himself a free agent, able to hit on every female he encounters.

Maeve (Maevie) - An old college friend of some of the NeS veterans, she can relate to the Otter with both her British heritage and her drinking. However, she normally selects not to relate to the Otter when she can help it. She seems to stick around so that she doesn't become a Forgotten character once again.

Apple - An assassin-for-hire capable of becoming invisible to varying degrees depending on her load. She is generally selfish and eager for challenges. Lovely African-American woman with several locks of her hair dyed red. Pregnant, and rapidly gestating. It is uncertain who the father is. (See Sub Plot (2), below.)[/quote]

[quote=Cast of Villains] Michael MacFarlane - A Twice-Forgotten character and Knowsoul's second-in-command, Michael is a former NeS hero turned shade of his former self. Currently, he hides in the shadows. Once working for Knowsoul, he overthrew him and made him/them work for him instead. He conspired to kidnap and Twice-Forget TLTE, but the weight of TLTE's destiny rescued him from oblivion. He also randomly removes various memories from the NeS Pages that are revealed only to the Writers and the Readers, not to our heroes. He has also, for reasons yet unknown, purposefully removed Arkng Thand from the earliest pages of the NeS as revealed through regular Forgotten Memories. People forget Michael as soon as he leaves them.

Darkside - A Legion-like spectre of malevolence, formerly amalgamated with Tsolo into Knowsoul. Former lawyer, and composite entity of all the greatest villains in NeStian fantastic history (although really, what's the difference between the two?). He recently began drawing out the darker natures of the heroes on Memory Lane. Now working for Michael McLongname.

Tsolo - A Grim-Reaper-esque construct, the Avatar of Loss. Formerly amalgamated with Darkside into Knowsoul.

The Illusionist - No one is quite clear on who he/she is, or even what gender, given his/her mighty and detailed illusionist/shapeshifting powers. Works for Michael McLongname, though like everyone else, he/she forgets that every time he leaves, only remembering the orders.[/quote]


SECONDARY PLOT: Haunted House of Heroes

It is here that the bodies of our main cast of heroes reside, slumped over in the living room. However, there is plenty of activity going on at their erstwhile HQ. Young, the "princess" of the NeS has just given birth to her child Chance, fathered by Evil Geb. Antestarr is having a heart to heart with Subaru. Emperor Pi is drinking tea whilst his concubines see to Young's rest after her labor. Krig the Viking has recently returned from Valhalla after a stopover at Hawaii for fun and sun.

[quote=Secondary Cast] Antestarr - An inactive NeS hero, former NeScholar, former apprentice to Master Thand, master of weapons and the invention thereof. He lay dying on his deathbed in the HHoH - due to the severe physical stresses of overusing his Hyper-Time Modulator - until his ex-lover Nyneve turned him into an immortal, newly-young, vampire-like NeSferatu.

Krig the Viking - Berserker Viking, berserker lawyer, berserker chaser of butterflies...well, you get the idea. Surprisingly competent, seemingly be accident, but perhaps there is more to him than has always seemed. Was recently killed by the former NeS heroine Voodoo Snowflakes (or at least, an alternate future version of her; it's unclear), at which point he was taken to Valhalla. He has recently returned to life and the HHoH. Former king of Switzerland; his father Krog has taken over in his absence.

Subaru - Antestarr's current romantic interest. Friend to the mageling Cool Matty and his wife Mimiru, who are inactive NeS heroes. She has blue hair and has discovered some blue-glowing telekinetic and healing powers, which she can focus into swords. Has just learned that Antestarr is a NeSferatu.

Young - The first Blank Character of the NeS, and thereby its princess. Antestarr is her father, after a fashion, having engineered her creation; she refers to the NeS itself as "Mother". "Born" a Blank Character from a wide cast of NeS protagonists and the NeS itself, she was fostered with the intention of freeing the characters of NeS from the reign of its Writers. Now having given birth to her own child, Chance, that she conceived with Gebohq's evil doppleganger (Evil Geb, to whom she is married), Young had initially accompanied the group of would-be-heroes, as her own blood runs through Tsolo and could possibly counter his power. Young is pacifistic, sensitive to her surroundings, gifted, and generally how one would imagine a princess with child to act. She is currently with Evil Gebohq at the Haunted House of Heroes.

Evil Geb - Shattered Geb, Gebiyl, Evil G...these are all aliases of the same man, though he is partial to the latter. He is Gebohq from an alternate future a thousand years from now, which became its own alternate reality, known as the Shattered NeS, or sometimes NeShattered. Once the ruler, he was deposed and came to the primary plane of the NeSiverse. He wields a dark NeS sword, counterpart to the one Geb once wielded and Losien now wields. Husband to Young and father to her new baby.

Emperor Pi - The secret Chinese Emperor who lives in a floating palace above China. He has a great many concubines who have given him many children, one of which is Rachel Pi. However nobody is certain which concubine is Rachel's mother as they have no many children. He is old, likes things quiet and drinks tea.[/quote]


SUB PLOT (1): Gambling with Their Souls

Though this has by and large been forgotten by now, during his brief tenure as ruler of Hell, Al Ciao was forced by bureaucratic to make a fiendish bet. Should Gebohq, Losien's brother and Main Character at the time the bet was made, be instrumental in defeating the villains who seek to destroy the NeS at the Source, then the souls of all the other heroes (including Al Ciao's) would be released from Hell's ownership. (Geb owns his own soul; or at least, Hell doesn't.) But if not, then Geb's soul would be forfeit as well.

Of course, there are several complications that could arise from this, namely:
(A) Al Ciao is no longer the ruler of Hell. Does that make the bet null and void? If so, then how shall the heroes recover the deeds to their souls?
(B) The bet specified that Geb would instrumental to stopping Knowsoul. At the time, this amalgamation of Darkside and Tsolo was the chief villain. (They have now been separated into their component entities, and made subservient to Michael Mc Longname.) Again, does this render the bet null and void? Or does it mean that they failed the bet, since technically, Michael McLongname stopped Knowsoul, even though he too is seeking to destroy the Source?
(C) Geb is no longer the Main Character and is not even with the heroes. Is there any way for the heroes NOT to fail?


SUB PLOT (2): Who's the Daddy?

Apple (see above) was injected with the DNA of Highemperor/Al Ciao by the recurring demonic villain High Imp, and subsequently also injected with the DNA of Losien by Evil Geb. She is rapidly gestating, already showing, and no one knows for certain which of the two will be her baby's "father".

Evil Geb explained to Apple that the actions she takes and the traits she displays will determine this. If she acts selfless and heroic, then the "father" will be Losien. If arrogant and controlling, then the former aspect of Al Ciao, Highemperor, will be the father.

Losien has pledged to be the "father", so that a noble and virtuous child may come into the world. Al Ciao, on the other hand, desperately wants the baby to be his, due to the fact that Darkside brought out his rampant desires to impregnate every woman he sees.

Of course, given some very vague, unresolved hints about just who this baby is, it may be likely that the baby will swing towards Al Ciao's traits... [/shameless Writer plug]

Further complicating things is the fact that Al's ex-girlfriend Mia is also pregnant. This one is most definitely his child, and it is only High Imp's attempt to thwart fate that led to Apple's predicament. (Due to the fact that the child of Highemperor and a red-headed woman was prophesied.)


FURTHER SUB PLOTS: Hero Force One

Hero Force One is the world's foremost team of superheroes. Initially created by America, for America, they have received international sanction from the U.N. Their home base is two fold - the Hovercarrier, currently floating above London, and an orbital space station.

They are something like rivals to the NeS heroes, but better in every way. Famous, beloved, more competent, more powerful. They bought out all the hero groups and PayPerView deals.

Citizen Rex was their most powerful and public member. Little do most people know that this was a marketable disguise for Highemperor, and even fewer know that "Highemperor" is now just the powerless Al Ciao. His disappearance has caused a crisis of public opinion for HF1, and the President threatens to shut them down unless he can be found. Hero Force One has hired "Detective" Hawthorne to track him down.

Seraphim and Acidspitter, Hero Force One's premier couple, recently had a big fight and went their separate ways. Given that the former is an angel and the latter an incubus, it seemed inevitable; yet they still harbor feelings for each other in the turmoil of their hearts.

Seraphim was recalled to heaven by Serapharch - the highest ranking archangel - but she refused to go, and kicked his ass six ways from Sunday. In their fight, the Hovercarrier was greatly damaged, as was the supposedly "indestructible" Chikin Chateau restaurant revolving atop Big Ben, where Iriana Emp, Al Ciao's estranged teenage daughter, was eating.

Acidspitter was chosen by Hell's Majordomo and Devil's Advocate (read: chief lawyer) to be Mister Nine, new ruler of Canada and deposing successor to Al Ciao ("Mister Eight").

[quote=Cast of Hero Force One] Detective Hawthorne - Once an unsung hero of the NeS Hawthorne has returned in a sub-plot devised by Apple who wants to learn the secrets of Rosebud but also partly hired by Hero Force One to figure out the demise of Citizen Rex (an alter-ego of Al Ciao). Not actually a member of Hero Force One.

Seraphim - Once an angel of light, she is now considered fallen. She still wears a clingy, dress of transparent light that barely - barely - conceals her most intimate spots. Capable of superstrength, flight, and various angelicky powers of healing and so forth, her primary trait seems to be her penchant for massive property damage.

Acidspitter - Real name Louis, Surname unrevealed. A 19 year old man in punkish attire - chains, leather, purple mohawk, his name tells you everything you need to know about his power set. Initially attracted to Seraphim because her angelic body wouldn't dissolve if he gave her tongue, he corrupted her even as she tamed him. Then he became an incubus, and their relationship got strained before the big fight. He is currently the moody ruler of Hell, "Mister Nine", but has managed to make Hell the richest country in the world once again.

Iriana Emp - Al Ciao's estranged daughter, and of the deceased Atlantean princess Alole. She just turned 16 and was emancipated, receiving a locket from her father, as well as a briefcase chock full of Canadian soul tokens - which have just cubed in value, thanks to Acidspitter, making her probably the richest Londoner in history. Not a member of Hero Force One, simply a bystander in recent events.

Other Members of Hero Force One - The Morpheus-lookalike dual-katana-wielding magician, Dr. R. Deep. His apprentice, the teenager Magick Snowflakes. Judge, the British telekinetic woman whose most impressive power is her cleavage. Qhobeg, one of the seemingly endless number of Gebohq clones. The Company Kid, the wererat Benjamin Mahir, old pal of The Otter, who doesn't believe in the story and generally wants to be left alone.[/quote]

In the Haunted House of Heroes, Detective Hawthorne bursts in through the front door!

Hawthorne: Hang on there a sec. I'm not busting through anything. I knocked.

Fine, be that way.

Antestarr: Yes?

The newborn NeSferatu looks as haggard as an eternally youthful immortal can. There is an angry woman with blue hair behind him, Hawthorne notes, and deduces that they are a couple, currently in heated discussion.

Hawthorne: Deduce, nothing. I just read the cliff notes on top of the page.

They are pretty handy, aren't they?

Antestarr: Narrator? Shut up. You. Who are you?

Hawthorne: I've traced the location of Citizen Rex - currently operating under the codename Al Ciao - to this...establishment.

Antestarr: Oh you mean Highemperor.

Emperor Pi: Wait, what's this about another emperor?

Subaru: Nothing. He's gone, leaving a much nicer guy in his place. Which dear Ante here--

She shoots him a venomous glare.

Subaru: --would have remembered if he didn't have testosterone-laden memories of his ex boiling his blood.

Antestarr: No, Subaru, I mean literally, she put the blood in me--

Subaru: Shut up!

She turns to Hawthorne, and her tone changes to a very sweet tone, as though she's not mad at all.

Subaru: He's with the crew in the den there.

A diminutive Viking - his badly dented horned helmet clashing with his Hawaiian shirt - rushes by with baby Chance in his arms. A man in camo pants charges after him, screaming bloody murder and demanding that Chance be returned to him. Just as Evil Geb catches up with Krig, Krig passes baby Chance - like a football - to Concubine #6, who catches him deftly. The concubines and the Viking start playing Monkey in the Middle with Evil Geb and Chance, causing him no end of frustration as he spews venomously vows of vicious retribution. Krig and Emperor Pi's concubines laugh at the good-natured death threats, which of course only frustrates Evil Geb more.

Hawthorne peers askance at the rowdy scene.

Hawthorne: Is this a bad time?

Antestarr crinkles his brow in puzzlement.

Antestarr: No, why do you ask?

Hawthorne: Forget it.

He follows Subaru's pointed finger to the den, where our heroes lay slumped on the floor and draped over couches and loveseats and pillows, and occasionally each other. Otter is drooling vacuously on Losien's leg, for example, and Al and Maeve's heads rest against each other's. Occasionally, Amal's leg twitches, like a sleeping dog.

Hawthorne: Oh, bloody hell. I hate out-of-body projection. Well, here goes nothin'.

He evinces a surprising skill for a man who lives in an Astro van, and quickly slips into Memory Lane, appearing beside Otter, who starts.

Otter: Oi there, bloke? Who are you?

Hawthorne: You know, I'm getting really tired of answering that. The same question, everywhere I go. Seriously, the cliffs notes are at the top of the page.

Otter: I'm too lazy. Could you summarize it for me?

Hawthorne: Right then. I'm here for Citizen Rex.

Apple: Wait, what? He ain't here.

Hawthorne stares at Apple in amazement.

Hawthorne: What are YOU doing here?

Apple: What are you doing here?

Hawthorne: I'm here for Citizen Rex!

Al Ciao: Wait, did you say Citizen Rex?

Hawthorne: I've said that three times!

Apple: But Citizen Rex isn't...here...

She trails off at Hawthorne's steady gaze, and Al's guilty flush.

Apple: Oh my god. YOU'RE Citizen Rex, Al?

Hawthorne: You had him here all this time, and didn't know it?

Al: Um, yes? Sort of. Not really. It involves time travel, alternate selves, and shameless marketing.

Apple: So wait - you have special powers?

Al: Not anymore...

Apple: That's right, you *did* tell me you were a former powerplayer.

Losien: I'm interjecting here just so I get a line in this post. Wouldn't do for the Main Character to have no speaking role.

TLTE: Los, darling, you--

Losien: Hush, sweetie! I'm the Main Character, not you.

Hawthorne: Well, that makes half my job easier, anyway. I've found "Citizen Rex" and reported to you. At once. Convenient.

Al: Um, I really hope the other half isn't to kill me.

He looks fearfully at Apple.

Al: You didn't send him to kill me, did you?

Apple: No, idiot. Assassins don't hire other assassins.

Hawthorne: Hero Force One employed me to find you.

Al hunches over, as though trying to make himself invisible.

Al: No! Um, tell them I'm not around anymore. I'm dead.

He indicates his ghostly, bullet-ridden body.

Hawthorne: True. But I can take a sample of ectoplasmic DNA.

Apple eyes Hawthorne warily and backs up.

Apple: You're not planning to inject this DNA into anyone, are you? For example, to impregnate an unsuspecting woman?

Hawthorne: Make someone pregnant by giving them a shot? That's ludicrous!

Al: ...which would probably explain why it works.

Hawthorne: Right then. Off I go.

He winks out of Memory Lane. Apple turns to Al.

Apple: Alright, you have got some explaining to do.

Al: ...

Back in the den of the Haunted House of Heroes, Hawthorne snaps back to awareness. He goes to Al's body and takes a skin sample. His work done, he walks inconspicuously out of the house, as Antestarr and Subaru argue in the background. Also, various ghosts and skeletons have joined in the Monkey in the Middle game. Great fun is being had by all! Well, maybe not by Evil Geb. But he deserves it. Y'know, being evil and all.

-----

In Canada - also known as the Ninth Circle of Hell - an imposing figure, vaguely resembling a demonic satyr with wings and a red and black outfit complete with swooshing cloak, stalks across smoky plains. He comes across a quintet of damned souls, which happen to be anthropomorphic pigs.

Like any demon, the satyr-looking thing fits well into any big bad wolf scenario, however contrived, and bellows at the pigs.

Satyr-ish Demon: Surrender. Or die. Your choice is simple.

The first anthropomorphic pig is carrying a grocery bag stuffed with milk, bananas, and an AK-47. He whips out the AK-47 and levels it at the demon.

Pig #1: NEVAR!

The second anthropomorphic pig is wearing house slippers and a bathrobe, puffing contentedly on a cigar and glaring at the demon down his bespectacled nose.

Pig #2: Your insult shall not go unanswered, fallen one!

The third anthropomorphic pig is chowing down on fried chicken legs, one in each, um, hand? He spits a half-chewed wad of chicken gristle at the demon's hooves.

Pig #3: WE WILL KILL YOU. And then eat you. Mmm, meat...

The fourth anthropomorphic pig is wearing nothing and carrying nothing. He whips out an imaginary sword out of an imaginary scabbard, and cocks an imaginary pistol, completely with oink-ish sound effects.

Pig #4: Nothing you say will deter us!

The fifth anthropomorphic pig is wearing a beret. He instantly throws his hands to the sky.

Pig #5: I GIVE UP!

The demon looks oddly at Pig #5, and the first four pigs send derisive looks and snorts of disgust his way. Pig #3 answers the demon's questioning gaze through a mouthful of fried, by way of explanation.

Pig #3: He's French.

Demon: Oh?

Pig #1: Yeah, it's really annoying. We're on our way home, and he keeps muttering, Oui, oui, all the way.

The demon lets out a bestial snort of amused annoyance.

Demon: Truthfully? This whole scene was just the setup for some overly long gag with a horrible payoff?

Pig #2 draws himself up haughtily.

Pig #2: I'm sure I don't know what you meant, my good sir.

Demon: Right then. Tell you what. I'll offer you each a deal, in exchange for your lives. Pig #1, I want that AK-47. Pig #2, I want your cigar. Pig #3, I want a fried chicken leg. Pig #4, I want an imaginary horseshoe - my hooves are KILLING me - and Pig #5, you can be my personal slave.

The pigs demur for a moment - except for Pig #5, who bows humbly and goes by the demon's side - and the demon's eyes flash with black malice. This quickly convinces the other four pigs, who concede to his demands and scurry away as fast as their little piglegs will carry them.

Shortly, the big demon is reclining on a mound of dirt. He chomps on the cigar in one corner of his mouth whilst taking bites of the chicken leg with the rest of his mouth. In his other giant hand, he wields the AK-47 carelessly. His new slave, Pig #5 - now wearing an iron collar connected by a long chain to a loop on the demon's belt - is shoeing his hooves with the imaginary horseshoes. The demon snorts out a puff of smoke in something resembling contentment.

High Imp: It's a long way down from making pacts with gods...but it's a start.

High Imp: This archdemon was the nemesis of Highemperor, before the latter left the NeSiverse, presumably forever. High Imp gained much of his power by making pacts with dark gods, archdevils, chthonic entities, and the like, offering each his soul. As so many had a stake to his soul, none could claim it, and he wielded their combined powers with impunity. However, his soul recently ruptured under the strain of so many pacts, and with it, all the amalgamated powers. Shortly thereafter, he injected the assassin Apple with the DNA of Highemperor, impregnating her, for reasons all his own.

Seraphim: Excuse me?

The angelic member of Hero Force One - still radiant even though she's fallen - alights on the ground nearby. She almost looks put out as she lands, as though disappointed there's no ceiling to crash through.

High Imp: What?!

Seraphim: I'm afraid I'm lost. My map to Hell is hopelessly outdated.

High Imp: Yeah, Countess Bathory diverted several lakes of fire into blood canals. Then Mister Eight tried to remove those, but now with Mister Nine's installation, the disassembling has stopped, so things are a bit of a mess.

Seraphim: Construction work causing traffic jams in hell. Figures.

High Imp: Where are you trying to get to?

Seraphim: I'm trying to reach the Great Granite Fortress, to meet with Aci-- um, Mister Nine.

High Imp does a double take.

High Imp: Wait - you're his ex-girlfriend? The just-fallen angel?

Seraphim blushes but manages to thrust out her chin defiantly.

Seraphim: Yes? What about it?

High Imp's voice is softer than it has been in millennia. Which basically means a low growl.

High Imp: I too fell for love.

Okay, so we didn't go too much into High Imp's backstory in that introductory blurb, but trust me, it's way too complicated to describe here.

Seraphim: Oh my God! You're... High Imp?!

High Imp: Indeed. I shall give you directions to the Great Granite Fortress -- for a price.

Seraphim regards him warily.

Seraphim: I know your ways, Pactmaker.

High Imp: My price is merely a request. I...

He trails off, finding the words very difficult.

High Imp: I could use a friend.

-----

In the throne room of the Great Granite Fortress, Mister Nine - otherwise known as Acidspitter, former member of Hero Force One, recently inducted incubus, and ex-boyfriend of Seraphim - wearily holds audience with Elizabeth Bathory, Countess of Blood. The Blood Countess is used to having her way - she had Jim Seven, the now-deposed ruler of Hell, wrapped around her little finger - and is very put out that Acidspitter is having none of it.

Countess Bathory: I NEED those virgin sacrifices! Virgin blood is the only makeup that brings out my eyes.

Acidspitter eyes the countess' bloodshot eyes, glimmering a slight crimson.

Acidspitter: What a shame. Get out.

Countess Bathory: But I'm a sexy vampiress! I could give you the raunchiest sex you could ever want!

Acidspitter: Sorry, Liz. My tastes run more to...angelic features.

Countess Bathory storms out, and Seraphim - who is next to receive audience, catches Acidspitter's last words to the Blood Countess.

Seraphim: Um...hi, Louis. That's...that's sweet of you.

Acidspitter: Sera? What...what are you doing here?

Seraphim: Well, actually, Hero Force One sent me. Um. They thought I might be the best to, er, approach you?

Acidspitter furrows his brow.

Acidspitter: About what?

Seraphim: Well...you know how we were searching for Citizen Rex?

Acidspitter: ...yeah?

Seraphim: He's dead.

Acidspitter: Are you telling me he's in Hell and you want to emigrate him?

Seraphim: No! He's, um... well, out of reach anyway. We have a DNA sample our detective obtained, and want to use Hell's advanced cloning technology to create a clone of him. Hero Force One needs a Citizen Rex.

Acidspitter: Okay. Sure. Um, Majordomo? Make it happen.

The Majordomo leans over to the Devil's Advocate and whispers conspiratorially.

Majordomo: Methinks Mister Nine has found his own "Countess Bathory".

Seraphim hears, and flushes a deep red.

-----

On Hero Force One's Hovercarrier, floating above London, Dr. R. Deep barks agitatedly at Seraphim, recently arrived from Canada with a clone of Citizen Rex.

Dr. R. Deep: What!

Seraphim: He's powerless.

Dr. R. Deep: How the hell is one of the world's mightest mortals powerless?

Seraphim: Well, he did die.

Dr. R. Deep: He's died before!

Seraphim: Well, apparently, his powers were exorcised into an independent personality which subsequently left the NeSiverse.

The Morpheus-lookalike regards Citizen Rex skeptically. Rex, for his part, stares blandly back. He is dressed in his heroic uniform of a very Uh-mer-uh-can red, white, and blue, but his hair is neon orange spikes, as is that of his genetic progenitor, Al Ciao.

Citizen Rex: I'm happy to serve in whatever way I can, sir.

Dr. R. Deep: Right then. You'll be our public face, our media darling. That's all anyone really wants out of you anyway. We'll get a stunt man for you when we're out in the field. Someone call Mount Olympus and ask if Gilgamesh is available.

He turns on Seraphim.

Dr. R. Deep: And you! What's the big idea?

Seraphim: What?

Dr. R. Deep: Not only did you kick the ass of heaven's highest-ranking archangel six ways from Sunday, but you imprisoned him on the Hovercarrier.

Seraphim: Er...

Dr. R. Deep: Release him, pronto! Public Relations is drafting a public apology--

The Company Kid - aka the wererat Benjamin Mahir - bursts in the door.

Ben: Doc! There's, like, a whole army of angels coming out of the sky! With flaming swords! And golden armor! They look, uh, well actually they look pretty cool, but they also seem very angry.

Dr. R. Deep: How many times have I told you not to call me "Doc"?!

Blasts of searing celestial light rock the Hovercarrier. He glares at Seraphim.

Seraphim: To be fair, Deep, they're not doing nearly as much property damage as I do.

Dr. R. Deep: Give it time. They'll level London in their holy wrath. I hope you're happy. BATTLE STATIONS!

-----

In the throne room of the Great Granite Fortress, Acidspitter - aka Mister Nine, current Devil and ruler of hell - lounges on his throne of skulls.

Acidspitter: D'ya think she misses me?

The majordomo looks up from reciting the list of imports and exports.

Majordomo: If I may say so, sir, the supreme dictator of Canada should *not* be mooning over an angel.

Acidspitter: I think she still likes me.

Majordomo: Sir--

Devil's Advocate: Give it a rest. The devil dating a fallen angel - that's great press for us, and a spiritual coup!

Majordomo: If you say so, but--

Suddenly, a tiny little messenger imp scurries on rapidly flapping wings into the chamber and whispers frantically in the Majordomo's ear, who gasps.

Majordomo: Mister Nine! The hosts of heaven are attacking London!

Acidspitter: What! But Sera's there!

Devil's Advocate: *listening to his Bluetooth* Actually, I think she's the reason they're attacking. Since she beat the crap out of Serapharch and locked him up.

Acidspitter swears.

Acidspitter: Sod it, I'm gonna be damned if I'm not her knight in shining armor.

Majordomo: You don't mean--

The Devil's Advocate's face lights up in unholy glee.

Acidspitter: Sound the alert! Canada's gonna mobilize NOW!

Majordomo: Sir, might I remind you that we just finished a costly war with Disneyworld--

Devil's Advocate: Oh, shut up. A throwdown between angels and demons is just what we need. We haven't had a good epic toss in centuries!

Majordomo: ...

Acidspitter: I'm coming, Sera!

-----

In the Writer's Realm, Al Ciao the Writer leans back in his chair, holding the back of his head with his hands. He lets out a small satisfied sigh.

Geb the Writer: AL!

Al Ciao the Writer sighs again, although this time it's one of longsuffering.

Geb the Writer: What the hell, man? You totally detracted from the main plot, started up a HUGE new subplot, and threw in a scene with an old villain with no regard for the glut of villains already in this arc!

Al Ciao the Writer: Guilty on all counts.

Geb the Writer: And don't even try to deny--

He stops in mid-rant.

Geb the Writer: Wait, what?

Al Ciao the Writer: I did all that. And I don't care.

He closes his eyes with a smug smile.

Al Ciao the Writer: I don't see you, or anyone else for that matter, burning up the post count.

Geb the Writer's jaw works soundlessly.

Al Ciao the Writer: I wrapped up the Hawthorne subplot, with the height of irony being that Apple was in the very presence of the man she'd hired Hawthorne to find. I destroyed Gebohq's exclusive claim to being the only cloned hero, but with a powerless face for the cameras. I delved more into the storyline of Acidspitter and Seraphim - who are my favorite couple and heroes of Hero Force One, I don't care what anyone else says - and I wove in High Imp with that, because Britt the Writer once expressed interest in the fact that High Imp gains his power from pacts. Also, the NeSiverse needs a good epic war going on in the background - Britt loves his action scenes, and I love developing the NeS world.

Geb the Writer: Okay, now this part, where you explain yourself in the same post, has got to stop. I can live with the other stuff, but that's where I draw the line. Wait! What are you doing? Are you typing this up as I say it! Stop! No! Don't press that "Post reply" butt--

Britt the Writer:

Gebohq the Writer: Al... What's he doing?

Al Ciao the Writer: I have no idea. He's just been staring at me with that face since he read my last post about wars with angels and demons.

Britt the Writer:

Gebohq the Writer: It's kind of freaking me out...

Al Ciao the Writer: Yeah... me too.

Britt the Writer:

----------

London.

Bert the Chimney Sweep: I'm proper Hank Marvin I am!

Demon: What?

Bert the Chimney Sweep: You're not from round 'ere are ya, gov'nor?

Demon: No. I'm a scout for Hell's army. Where's the Hero Force One HQ?

Bert the Chimney Sweep: Oh, it's proper Lemon Tart that thing. Good 'avin' 'em round to help out the Cold Chill.

Demon: ... are you speaking English?

Bert the Chimney Sweep: 'course they're a bit Christian.

Demon: Christian!?

Bert the Chimney Sweep: Yeah. A bit Christian Ziege. Always breakin' stuff. Then again lookin' at that angel darlin' and that Union Flag strumpet, cor! Gotta love that Prince's Trust! I'd love to slap that Wrigley's gum, I'm tellin' ya.

Demon: [/B] I think I'll go and find someone that speaks English...

Bert the Chimney Sweep: I bet they're both good for a Melvyn Bragg!

Demon: Dude! Just tell me where's the HQ!

Bert the Chimney Sweep: You're one of those Ding Dong Bell fellas ain't ya?

Demon: ...

Bert the Chimney Sweep: Well, with that lot up there I had a Scooby Doo a few of you Rob Roys would be comin' up.

Bert the Chimney Sweep points upward towards the massive thing looming over the city.

The main cast of characters currently on Memory Lane feel a new memory descend upon them and, despite all of the other very interesting things going on, feel the need to sit up and pay attention.

The scene unfolds around them and takes the shape of a crèche, complete with terrible scribble drawings on the walls, soft carpets and baby pens. Toys cover the whole room, ranging from Barbies to trucks. Although Barbies are traditionally a girl's toy and trucks are for boys, one particular child is playing with both. Specifically he is running the Barbie over with the truck.

Maeve: [/B] Isn't that baby Soriel?

Rachel: That explains a lot.

Al Ciao: [/B] Seriously? All boys crush their sister's Barbies with trucks! ... or cut their heads off with swords. I'm from ancient Armenia, don't you know?

Rachel: ... was that meant to be and impressive pick-up line?

Al Ciao: Why, of course!

Losien: Wasn't Soriel born on Jupiter?

Soriel: This is Jupiter.

Losien: Then why am I there?



Losien: That explains a lot.

The Otter: You mean... all this time my womanising is due to my unrequited love for Day-Care Lady from when I was a little child?

Al Ciao: Or it just means being a pervert was inbuilt from the very start.

Maeve: I think kids just like boobs. It's completely normal.



Rachel: Awwwwwwwww! Mini-Gebby!!

Rachel's eyes glisten and sparkle with delight at seeing her dashing man as an adorable child.

Al Ciao: You and Gebohq are the same age, Losien?

Losien: Totally! We're twins!

Al Ciao: Oh... you'd think I'd have remembered that by now. You know, after all this time.

Losien: I think your "playing dumb" characteristic kicked in.

Al Ciao: Right!

Al Ciao proceeds to commit a seemingly accidental slapstick moment by knocking himself out with an overly large foam hammer.

Soriel: What... did he just do?

Losien: That'll be the absurd humour characteristic kicking in.

Soriel: Seems an unusual moment for that to kick in.

Amal: Best time for it!



Rachel: Okay... first, Russia does not have great flying polar bears.

TLTE: How would you know!?

Rachel: Secondly aren't you like a million times older than the rest of us?

Al Ciao: [/B] I think Mini-TLTE does have some stubble...

Soriel: I think our mini-selves are caught in some kind of time crèche. We were all born at exactly the same time on the same day at the same hour. We were all thrown into this time crèche on Jupiter and then released at various intervals of time so that we all aged differently on the outside world.

Everyone: ...

Al Ciao: You totally blagged that.

Soriel: Sounded good though, right? See, this scholar lark isn't so hard!

Rachel: Except a scholar would know real things and not just make crap up because it sounds cool.

Soriel: How would you know? Thand could have made a lot of stuff up in his time. Most of what he tells us is probably lies.

TLTE: I would like to agree simply to put Thand down but I do not believe this is the case.

Soriel: Oh well. If I say it enough, it will be considered the truth. Like Richard Gere and the gerbil.



Everyone stares at Maeve.

Maeve: It had to start somewhere, I guess.



Al Ciao: Wait, I'm from like a few thousand years before you lot were even born!

Rachel: And shouldn't you be Prince Emp?

Al Ciao: To be fair, I lose track of all my names and titles I've had.

TLTE: And personalities. And powers. And looks.

Rachel: Are we sure he's even the same man?



Al Ciao: Whoa! Creepy...

Rachel: Father? Mothers?

Maeve: Plural? I am so jealous.

Soriel: Maeve... they'd all be your mothers.

Maeve: . .. Would it be bad if I said that just makes it all the better?

Soriel: ... yes. I'm pretty sure it would be bad.

A new series of memories arise from the mists of Memory Lane.



Al Ciao: No way were you the popular girls! What happened?

Maeve: Way to go, Al, you just blew your chances of impregnating anyone.

Al Ciao: Uh... I mean... What happened to... make you even more beautiful!?

Soriel: Smooth...



Maeve bellows with laughter while Otter fumes.

Al Ciao: Actually that was pretty funny.

Losien: Yeah, dead funny!

Losien fistbumps Maeve.

Losien: We were so cool back then. Come to think about it what did happen to us? When we went to college we became the losers!



Soriel: So the route to wisdom is in teaching!?

The Otter: Uh, I guess. I mean it all sounded kind of wise... and boring! He started to harp on about responsibility and tides of the future and stability of the NeS and not acting like a bunch of morons. Or something like that. I kind of stopped paying attention. I I guess he must be wise if I didn't bother listening.

Amal: Was that meant to be Rachel earlier?

Rachel: Hey yeah! I was still a RAM at the time. I was pushing my way into the scene. It wasn't until later that I got my big break thanks to Thand. I wonder if that's why my father showed up in that previous memory? Is there a way to skip back and forth through this memories? I want to go back.

Maeve: I hate it when people do that. Can't you just watch? I'm sure things will be revealed in time.

Losien: You're joking right? This is the NeS, things get forgotten all of the time.

Maeve: Hum. Fair point. Like how everyone has forgotten that we shagged in the laundromat just a few posts ago.

Everyone Else:

The Last True Evil: WHAT!?

Maeve: Oooh yeah, that's why everyone forgot. You came back.

Al Ciao: Uh, probably best if you don't provoke the angry Russian, Maeve.

Losien: I'm really sorry, TLTE. You didn't exist at the time.

The Last True Evil continues to stare with utter hatred at Maeve despite Losien's assurances.

Losien: You know, you're meant to be the damsel at present, darling? Can't get angry in that little pink dress.



Al Ciao: Haha, see that? A good running gag, right? Funny, eh? Hahaha... ha... ha... heh...

The silence that follows Al Ciao's attempt to calm the situation was almost tangible.

DarkSide had been enjoying the show thus far. With characters freaking out and experiencing unusual character tweaks had all now culminated into this moment. But the darkness within The Last True Evil wasn't strong enough to overcome his self-control that the Russian spy had developed over the course of the NeS. He could fix that...

DarkSide sought out that inner core of TLTE. That core that had been hidden within him for a long time now. That darkness. The evil... The tentacles.

And then much tentacley-evilness ensued.

And there was much screaming.

In the background, more memories continue to play despite the absence of a captive audience. Or rather captive as thralls to the memory, possibly they are being captives of a tentacle or two.

----------

Al Ciao the Writer: Dude, you and tentacles!

Britt the Writer: No way! That's a TLTE thing. I just thought it needed to be addressed at some point.

TLTE the Writer is whistling innocently.

----------



The evil tentacle madness continues.

There is more screaming and violence.

And now for something completely different as a Twice-Forgotten Memory arrives!

On Memory Lane, Al Ciao is screaming for dear life as evil tentacles wrap and squeeze around him. Losien has clicked her heels together, bringing sharp stilleto heels ending in knives out, which she busily uses to cut as many tentacles as possible. TLTE is sulking as he is held captive by a tentacle, prevented by tropes from being able to save himself. Even if the tentacles did come out of his darkest core. Apple is biding her time as she nimbly leaps between tentacles, assessing the weak points of the seemingly endless tentacles.

Maeve, on the other hand, is sort of enjoying it.

[quote=A Twice Forgotten memory from the Adventures of Soriel & Highemperor...in SPAAACCEEEEE![/quote]As Highemp and Soriel are spreading jelly upon giant loaves of bread - Soriel with Fred and Highemperor with his white energy sword - there is a whooshing, whooming noise as a blue box appears in the midst of the jellified carnage.

Highemp: Uh-oh. I think the Doctor's caught you.

Soriel: Me? He's caught US.

Highemp: ME?! YOU'RE the one who stole the TARDIS!

Soriel: But you're an accomplice!

Out of the TARDIS steps...Matt Smith!

Highemp: Whew! It's not the Doctor. It's some weird guy with a Fez.

The Eleventh Doctor: Fezes are cool.

He winces reflexively, as if expecting a revolver shot to ring out and shoot the Fez off his head. Nothing happens, however.

Soriel: Highemp, you fool! This IS the Doctor!

Highemp: No way, the Doctor is Christopher Eccleston. Where's Rose, by the way?

Eleventh Doctor: I am the 11th Doctor!

Highemp: I think you miscounted somewhere...

Soriel: Please. I thought you were smarter than that. Timey-wimey stuff, remember?

Highemp: Sorry. When your brain's filled with purple prose, there's not really enough room for common sense.

11th Doctor: Excellent deduction, Soriel. You have the makings of a scholar.

Soriel: Hey! Don't insult me!

Soriel: Whoa! Nothing wrong with being a scholar.

Soriel & Highemperor: Huh?!

Out of the TARDIS step a capeless, swordless Soriel, and Al Ciao.[/quote]

Soriel's inquisitive scrutiny of the tentacles pauses as he notices what is happening in the memory. Hey, wait, it's a Twice-Forgotten memory, how are you seeing this?

Soriel: If it's Twice-Forgotten, then I've probably forgotten that I'm not supposed to see it. Twice.

That doesn't make sense...

Soriel: Um...timey-wimey stuff?

Are you blagging again?

Soriel: ANYWAYS... why are Al and there? I don't remember that.

Timey-wimey stuff...

Soriel: Now who's blagging?

Within the tentacled mess that is Memory Lane, the TARDIS appears, and the 11th Doctor peeks out.

11th Doctor: Soriel, you old scoundrel! Come on, and bring that poor bloke with you.

Soriel combines his newly scholarly knowledge along with his warrior's instincts to calculate vectors and so forth. Then he subsequently leaps, dodges, tucks, and rolls in a spectacular sequence, snatching Al out of tentacular clutches and disappearing into the TARDIS, which vanishes.

Then Soriel walks out of the mists of Memory Lane, nursing a cup of coffee.

Soriel: Whoa, wait a minute here! I was supposed to go into the TARDIS here, not my stunt man!

Director from Paraguay: Sorry, senor.

[quote=More Adventures in SPAAACE]Al: Okay, while this is too weird, it does beat being groped by tentacles.

Soriel #2: Groped? TLTE's thing is evil tentacles, not naughty tentacles.

Al: True... but Britt the Writer wrote the post.

Soriel #2: Touche.

Soriel #1: Some future version of me you are. Lost your sword and cape.

Soriel #2: Actually, I gave them away. Or loaned them out, at any rate.

Highemperor is busy randomly spouting some trivial nonsense about epic temporal singularities and such, but no one realy cares. Well, the 11th Doctor is somewhat interested, but is distracted by other events.

11th Doctor: Right then. Time to all go to English MacBritish High School!

Al: All of us?

He eyes his past self dubiously, who is holding forth at length about the nature of paradoxical parallax or some such tripe.

Soriel #2: He's blagging, Al. Takes one to know one.

Soriel #1: Why all of us? Why two versions of each of us?

11th Doctor: All will be revealed in time.

Soriel #2: Now you're blagging too.

11th Doctor: I'm the Doctor. Making it up as I go along is what I do.

Soriel #2: Hmm, I'll have to remember that. Maybe I can follow the path of the Doctor, rather than the path of Thand.

He eyes the Fez on the 11th Doctor's head.

Soriel #2: ...naaaaaah.

Instead of taking them to the TARDIS however, the 11th Doctor leads them over a jelly-strewn hill to see.......

Al: English MacBritish High School?!

Highemp enthusiastically begins discoursing on the nature of hyperspatial simul-presence and semi-unreal pocket metaverses, but as usual the others ignore him.

11th Doctor: And now we all confront the even more past selves of our heroes!

Soriel #2: Past Soriel! No killing!

Soriel #1: What? Why would you think such a thing?

Soriel #2: I'm future you.

Soriel #1 sulks.

Al: I'm still confused by these new memories seemingly conflicting with what we know of NeSian history...

11th Doctor: All will be revealed in time...

Al: You keep saying that, I'm gonna take your Fez.[/quote]

[quote=The Adventures of Soriel & Highemperor...in SPAAACCCEEE!]On Jellybabia, in the past - well, the past of Soriel & Al Ciao; the actual time could be anywhen, given that their past selves arrived here via TARDIS - our heroes open the doors of English MacBritish High School, which is mysteriously located on the farflung planet of the Jellybabies. The recently extinct Jellybabies, as it turns out.

Highemperor - Al Ciao's past self, a rather annoying powerplayer, who considers himself much better at powerplaying than he actually is - is rather enjoying this, making up pseudo-metaphysical explanations by stringing together high-falutin' jargon couched in purple prose. All the students in the hallway are giving him a wide berth due to this, though he fancies that this is because they are intimidated.

Soriel #1, the past Soriel, is randomly gouging lockers open and administering impromptu haircuts to passing students, in an attempt to work out his violent urges without actually killing anyone.

Soriel #2, the present-day Soriel and recently arrived via TARDIS from Memory Lane, rolls his eyes at his past self's antics and carefully observes everything around him.

Al Ciao, the present-day version of Highemperor and no longer a powerplayer, is imagining all the 12th grade girls pregnant.

11th Doctor: And here's where I leave you.

Soriel #2: What? But you're cool! Despite the Fez.

Soriel #1: Whew! I thought I might get in trouble for borrowing your TARDIS. Well, the past version of your TARDIS.

11th Doctor: That's right, I almost forgot. Eh, no worries, I'll just steal away your first love by "dancing" with her.

Soriel #2: I would call you out as a pervert, but you can't hold a candle to Al here.

11th Doctor: Pervert? Me?

Soriel #2 coughs out something that sounds suspiciously like "Madame du Pompadour", but the 11th Doctor studiously ignores him.

11th Doctor: I'm really only supposed to give cameos. Geb the Writer looks ill on me when I stick around too long, and even a Time Lord thinks twice before pissing a Writer off. Soriel #1! You better return that past TARDIS to my past self as soon as you leave here.

As the 11th Doctor leaves, Highemperor speculates long-windedly about various epic-ish topics. This is why he has no other dialogue given. That, and his Writer does not wish to be throttled for trotting out the powerplayer again, even if a different writer is the one who did it.

The 11th Doctor left them before a door marked 'Headmaster', and our four hero-types cautiously enter.

Headmaster Thand: Good day to you.

Soriel #1: Who are you?

Soriel #2 & Al Ciao: Thand!

Headmaster Thand: Our distracted powerplayer over there knows me, of course, and Soriel #1, you will come to know me in your future, so roll with it for now.

Soriel #1: As long as I get to kill things before the day is over.

Headmaster Thand: Excellent. Master Al, Master Scholar Soriel, I am the Thand you know in your present time, of a sort. I left Memory Lane to come here. What you do not know is that...I am the 13th Doctor.

ALL THREE: What?!

Al: I seem to remember something about you being Earth's first man, not a fanfic spinoff of a different IP.

Headmaster Thand: That is true. Or it was. Here, at English MacBritish High School, on Jellybabia, temporal meta-possibilities are collapsing upon each other. The pasts of all you heroes are congealing here into one from what your actual pasts were. And so the cameos of the Doctor are collapsing into my metaphysical presence, staining me with a bit of him.

Highemperor's eyes light up as he starts discoursing again. The other habitually tune him out.

Soriel #2: But...why is this happening? And DON'T just say "timey-wimey stuff".

Headmaster Thand: Have no fear of that, Master Scholar Soriel. I, unlike some, am not a blagger.

Al: Ouch. He's got you there.

Soriel #1: I don't blag. I kill.

Soriel #2 eyes his past self askance.

Soriel #2: I was pretty single-minded, wasn't I?

Headmaster Thand: The cause of this, as you were asking, is that the NeS is attempting to stabilize itself as the very pillars that undergird its reality are being toppled one by one. Events integral to the NeS' history are being erased, annuled, Twice-Forgotten.

Al: Oh god. This is going way too far. First Highemp shows up in a memory, then he sticks around a bit, and now YOU'RE going on about more epic stuff!

Thand peers at him over his spectacles. He takes a puff from his pipe, emitting a cloud of blue smoke.

Headmaster Thand: Indeed. An explanation was required for all these conflicting, amalgamated memories.

Al: And it couldn't have been something like, it was all a dream, or an illusion?[/quote]

Illusionist: GAH! You caught me!

The illusion drops away, and Soriel and Al Ciao find themselves in Memory Lane once again, blinking as their five senses reassert themselves.

Darkside: You fool! I told you not to interfere!

All our heroes are staring at Darkside as he manifests before their very eyes. He becomes conscious of their gazes.

Darkside: ...oops. Um, would you believe I'm just an illusion conjured by what's-her-name here?

Al: Actually, yeah, I would believe that.

Losien elbows him sharply.

Losien: No, Darkside, we do NOT believe you.

The Illusionist smirks at Darkside, revealing a gaptoothed smile.

Otter: Well, this certainly takes me back to the good old days.

Maeve: Yep.

Otter: Like the time we stopped TLTE from destroying that blimp.

Maeve: What?


Otter: Yep, that was a tight spot alright.

Maeve: I don't remember that happening.

Otter: You must have slept through it.

Maeve: I don't think I would have slept through a burning, crashing beer blimp.

Otter: Or how about the time we saved the moon landing?

Maeve: What?



Maeve: That never happened!

Otter: I guess you missed that one too. Man, you need to get your A game going.

Maeve: You're making things up!

Otter: Or what about the time Geb rigged up that sportscar to travel back in time...

[/I]

Maeve: That's just the beginning of Back to the Future!

Otter: No, I'm pretty sure it actually happened.

Maeve: You have a disturbing ability to confuse reality with fiction.

Otter: Or what about that time we took a trip down memory lane and remembered all the good times we used to have!

Maeve: Uh...

[quote=Another memory cycling past...]At English MacBritish High School, Otter comes running past the camera, screaming like a little girl.

Otter: MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!

Dr. Dormouse peers curiously out of the chemistry lab.

Dr. Dormouse: Oh dear, it appears young Frederick is suffering from hallucinatory pyrophobia.

He pushes his spectacles up his nose.

Dr. Dormouse: ...OR he's subconsciously converging with an alternate reality in which the entire school is actually on fire! This could make a fantastic, renewable, clean source of energy - siphoning it off from other realities!

He trots back into the chemistry lab. Presently, a tremendous explosion rocks the school. This is common occurrence, so everyone ignores it.

Galvatron: BUNSEEEENNNNNNNN!

Well, mostly everyone.[/quote]

Otter: I suppose you're gonna say that never happened, too.

Maeve: Well, no, that happened. I was there. Galvy was depressed for a month till we hooked him up with that extension cord.

Al: Whoa, wait a second - I thought these memories were all an illusion conjured by Gaptoothed Old Man here...

The Illusionist: You know, 'gaptoothed old man' is not actually my name. It was my defining characteristic when I was posing as a random NPC.

Al: Oh yeah, your name is Darth Piss.

Illusionist: Darth PUIS. Y'know, as in "puissant"?

Al: I'm pretty sure pissant is not very flattering either.

Illusionist: GAH! The memories aren't an illusion! Just the part where I take y'all to Jellybabia, and the school is there and all that. That was the illusion!

Soriel: I was wondering why I didn't actually remember my past self meeting my future self.

Al: But the memories make no sense, conflicting with--

Amal: Actually, I've been thinking about it. The only memory that doesn't make sense is the common creche thing, and that's only given your vastly different origin stories. The high school memories make perfect sense, corresponding to Ye Olde Ancient College Dayes story arc from a zillion years ago.

Losien: It wasn't a zillion years ago. It was the 80's.

Amal: My point exactly.

Otter: He's got you there.

Maeve: Good going, kid, already getting the surly teenage attitude. Y'make me proud.

Illusionist: Still, I had y'all going. The best illusions are sprinkled with a bit of truth, eh? Actually, I almost fooled myself. I don't remember adding the weird part about "Twice Forgotten" or whatever tripe that was.

Our heroes look at each uneasily. None of them really knows what that weird phrase means, nor have they ever heard it before (that they remember), but thoughts and memories drift to the surface.

Losien: I was crying...

TLTE: The name 'Michael' is written on my frilly sleeve, in my own handwriting.

Amal: We all forgot Uncle TLTE...

Even Darkside and the Illusionist are feeling uneasy, as shivers crawl up everyone's spine.

Losien: I don't remember any of that stuff actually happening, Otter.

Otter: Okay, if I'm so wrong then what really happened?

Losien: It went like this...

*The mists of time swirl around the heroes, transporting us back to Haxor Penitentairy and page 21...*



*The flashback ends, and the assembled cast all stare at Losien. Eyes are wide and jaws hang agape.*

Losien: ...so as you can see the experience of being locked in a prison cell and savagely beaten by a violent criminal must have been so traumatic that Otter subconsciously repressed those memories and invented new ones.

Maeve: Wow, it's actually a lot less funny when you put it that way.

*A single tear rolls down Otter's cheek.*

Maeve: Like, a lot.

Losien: Well, it was pretty much par for the course. Let's not forget the TLTE's kidnapping and brutal torture of Gebohq.

*The mists of time roll in once again to reveal a familiar scene...*



*Stunned, Maeve looks at TLTE.*

Maeve: You tied Geb up, GAGGED him, and then played Russian roulette? That's the most awful thing I've ever heard!

TLTE: It was a different time.

Losien: Now that I think of it that might have actually been the writers and not us...I forget

TLTE: A most confusing time, to be sure...

Maeve: Maybe that's enough flashbacks for one day. I think Otter's starting to crack.

*Everybody looks at Otter. The hero has collapsed into a fetal position and is slowly rocking back and forth, whispering quietly to himself.*

Otter: myhairisonfiremyhairisonfiremyfairisonfire

Losien: It wasn't all bad. Michael and I were dating then.

Maeve: That's nice.

TLTE: No, it isn't.

Losien: And everybody got to meet Mr. T!

*Everybody cheers. Except for Otter.*

Apple: So... was this bloke's tentacles an illusion too?

Losien: [/B] I don't think so...

The Last True Evil waggles limp tentacley arms from the sleeves of his frilly pink dress.

Apple: Shouldn't that dress have been ruined?

The Last True Evil continues to waggle.

Apple: I don't think this is doing anything for my baby...

Al Ciao: I don't know, it's kind of melodramatic and completely over the top, which is good news for me and my potential fatherhood.

Losien: No way! I'm the father!

Rachel: That's still a weird thought.

Soriel: I think all of this potentially evilness that your boyfriend is going through is definitely favouring Al Ciao.

Al Ciao: Cheers for the vote, buddy.

Soriel: More a statement of facts.

Al Ciao: Way to dash my hopes, buddy.

TLTE: ... *waggle*

Within The Last True Evil's inner self, his conscious self takes form in the familiar image of his body. Facing him is Darkside. A terrifying dark presence looms to the side of them both. It is difficult to tell whether it is some beast, held by dark threads in the fists of the two figures, or if it is a shadow cast by them.

The Last True Evil: You won't win. I may be cast as weak now, allowing you to unleash this monstrous nature inside me, but I thrive when the odds are against me as I've thrived in the cold winters of barren Siberia. I've disciplined the true evil inside of me once before, to mock its power that fate seems to try casting upon me, and I do it again now.

Demonstrating the truth in his words, The Last True Evil raises his fists towards the Darkside, and the dark form shakes as a dog does when pulled by its leash. For his part, the Darkside shows a slight, very pure fear, in part out of instinct and in part out of fascination.

Darkside: I didn't think it was possible, but I can see for myself now. You are, in fact, an evil greater than myself, greater than any I've known.

The Last True Evil: What are you talking about?

Darkside: Instead of allowing your love to play the role of rescuer, you take it for yourself. It feels good to take the reins of your own desires, doesn't it?

The Last True Evil: I'm quite aware of the villain's bag of tricks, and your attempts at misdirected guilt will not work on me.

Darkside: Your own actions do work far better, it's true...

On cue, the Darkside gestures to a new memory from page 22.

The Last True Evil lowers his fists, and the dark shadow stirs. From what seems very far away, the screams of Losien and the others can be heard once again.

Darkside: Playing the victim once more? I'm disappointed.

The face of The Last True Evil's head, however, does not seem to show signs of defeat or weakness. His expression can't be made out, however, as the scene becomes bathed in a pure light...

---------------

Outside The Last True Evil's mind, he blinks as he sees Amal with his hand on The Last True Evil's head, and Losien standing by Amal's side, holding his hand.


Amal: Are you OK, Uncle?

The Last True Evil: Yes, I think so... and thank you.

Losien: Try to be less helpless next time, alright?

Losien winks knowingly at The Last True Evil before returning to other matters with Amal following. The Last True Evil's own smile turns pained as he watches the two of them walk away...

*As TLTE is having his moment of self-discovery Losien and Maeve try to help Otter.*

Maeve: I think we should get him some medical attention...or therapy...

Losien: Otter, try think of all the good times we've had. Like that time we all rode that bus across the country...

*The magical mists of time transport us back to page 23!*



Otter: Why do they always hit me?!

Maeve: Well that backfired.

Losien: I'll try another...



Otter: Make it stop!

Maeve: Not helping!

Losien: Sorry, Memory Lane isn't easy to control!

Al Ciao: Hey fella, what're you doing? Stop being so limp-wristed! I need you!

The Last True Evil stares despondently at the ethereal Memory Lane "ground".

Al Ciao: Seriously, this is urgent!! I need your evilness back so that we can have a whole load more melodrama around here! My baby needs you!

Apple: I wish you'd stop calling it your baby.

Losien: Especially because it's my baby!

Apple:

Ignoring the mother of their mutual, or rather potential, child Losien and Al Ciao continue to fight over who should be declared father.

Al Ciao: Okay, we should look at some memories of me being awesome!

Rachel: Like they exist?

Al Ciao: Hey! I was Highemperor you know?

Rachel: Yeah, it's a shame those Adventures in Space have been Twice Forgotten so we can't watch them.

Al Ciao: Uh... what?

Rachel: I have no idea. Sometimes I just say things and I swear it's like someone else put them there.

Soriel: Heh, way to prod that fourth-wall there.

Rachel:

Amal: If Losien wants to be the father-

Maeve: lol

Amal: -Can't we look at awesome memories of Losien instead?

Most of the group burst into laughter. Al Ciao wipes a tear from his eye.

Al Ciao: Yeah... that was a good one.



Al Ciao: Heeeeeeeeeey.

Rachel: Don't worry Al, maybe those Twice Forgotten memories about Highemperor will subconsciously affect Apple's baby so you'll be the daddy!

Al Ciao: Hey yeah! Wait, what did you just say?

Rachel: I have no idea.



Al Ciao: Why do I have the feeling that things just aren't going my way?

The Otter: Hey, shouldn't you be cheering me up?

Maeve: I got bored of that. I dub thee, a lost cause.

The Otter: But... we're both British! And I'm sexy.

Maeve: You forgot the gay part?

The Otter: I can be gay with you?

Maeve: ... I can arrange that. Do you have a knife?

The Otter: I was joking! Please don't!!

Losien: Wait Otter, think of all the happiness we experienced on page 24!



Losien: Wasn't that fun, Otter? See, we had some good times that were not psychologically damaging at all.

*Otter smiles, cheering up a bit but Maeve frowns into the mists of time.*

Maeve: It looks like there's more...



*Otter tries to catch a glimpse, but Losien moves to block his view.*

Otter: What's that? More Disney on ice? I like figure skating!

Losien: No, nothing to see here! The end! Memory over!

*Meanwhile in the Free Republic of No-Pants Land Soriel and Highemperor are being shown around the nation's capital by the Pantless Man. In a musical montage sequence they are introduced to the pantless parliament buildings -*

Highemperor: Impressive.

Pantless Man: You can see our national motto etched into the facade: 'Omna Vincit Pantis'.

Soriel: 'Pants conquer all'?

Highemperor: No, I think it's 'love conquers pants'.

*-The Garment Wars memorial-*

Soriel: Impressive.

Pantless Man: As you can see, the eternal flame was lit to serve as a constant reminder of the brave souls who gave their lives for the right to go without pantaloons.

*-the entertainment district-*

Highemperor: Impressive.

Pantless Man: You haven't seen Shakespeare until you've seen it without pants.

Highemperor: It's that good?

Pantless Man: 'Two Gentlemen of Verona Without Pants' has been getting rave reviews.

*-and the local sports team.*

Pantless Man: No-pants football continues to be the most popular sporting event of our time.

Highemperor: Sounds intriguing.

Soriel: Impressive.

*As the montage music fades out the trio find themselves at the waterfront of No-Pants City, capital of No-Pants Land.*

Highemperor: Well Pantless Man, I think I speak for both of us when I say I've had a wonderful time exploring your great city and learning about your fascinating culture.

Soriel: It's been so interesting that I haven't even had the urge to destroy anything lately.

Pantless Man: The pleasure is all mine, friends.

*Highemperor gazes out towards the sea. On the shore, the flag of The Free Republic of No-Pants Land flaps proudly in the breeze and all three compatriots take a moment to salute a pair of blue jeans with a giant red 'X' through them.*

Highemperor: Godspeed, you no-pants heroes. Godspeed.

In the Writer's Realm Britt the Writer is waving is small scrap of paper in front of Gebohq the Writer's nose, recently printed from the NeS script;

Britt the Writer: Look! Look!



Gebohq the Writer: Uh, why am I looking at this?

Britt the Writer: Isn't it profound!?

Gebohq the Writer:

Britt the Writer: C'mon, really think about it!

Gebohq the Writer: In all honesty I'd rather not.

Britt the Writer: But love does conquer pants! It really does! I think this should become NeS policy!

Gebohq the Writer: Do you mean for the characters... or the Writers?

Britt the Writer: Does it matter? Both!

Gebohq the Writers reads the name of Tracer the Writer as the creator of this pearl of wisdom and pulls out a glock pistol.

Gebohq the Writer: I have something to take care of Britt. We can't have these revelations so actively inserted into the NeS.

Britt the Writer: I think I might have this engraved as my epitaph...

----------

Back in the NeS, or rather one dimension of the NeS known as the 8th Dimension, is the Haunted House of Heroes. Some time has past since we last looked out our secondary group of characters and night has now descended upon our haunted house.

----------

Tracer the Writer: Wait, isn't it always night at the HHH? It is a haunted house...

A shadow appears behind Tracer the Writer with glowing red eyes and a glock.

Gebohq the Writer: For you, it soon will be...

Tracer the Writer: Oh hi Geb. You know you should get better lighting in this place, way too much shadow around here. Someone could really get hurt wal--- urk!

----------

The Secondary Heroes are all sound asleep in their beds, except for Antestarr who has a bad case of the nocturnals (that and he's been kicked out of his bed by Subaru, who is still miffed with him over Nyneve turning him into a vampire).

Annoyed by Antestarr's presence during the late hours, which they consider to be "their time", the ghosts have locked Antestarr in a wardrobe.

The wardrobe wobbles.

In the Main Hall of the HHH the ghost are having a lovely party that involves the spirits of various spirits - such as vodka--

Antestarr (from within the wardrobe): MMMMF HHMSSM (Translated: BAD JOKE! )

Ghost #1: Hey, how is it spirits... die exactly?

Ghost #2: Uh, we're already dead.

Ghost #1: The joke was bad the first time, it wasn't any funnier the second time.

Ghost #3: I think that the whole stash of spirits was blown up during the rampage of some beast of other. Who knows. Who cares!? Ghost Vodka!!

Ghost #2: Well I think it was a bad idea to give Bob any vodka.

Ghost #1: Yeah, I don't think the chandelier can take much more of that...

Suddenly, however, the party is interrupted by a horrific wailing!

Ghost #1: And I thought that banshee was bad!

Ghost #2: WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS SOUND!?

Ghost #1: I don't think it's the bloke we locked in the wardrobe. It'd be more muffled!

Antestarr (from within the wardrobe): MURRRF!! (Translated: SWINES !)

Bob the Ghost falls from the chandelier under the bombardment of noise. The other ghosts all retreat from the main house and go to sulk down in the infinite cellars of the building.

Upstairs the humans are stirring too. A sudden flurry of women rush down the corridor and burst into Young's room. A moment later and Evil Geb is thrown out of the room in nothing but his underwear.

Emperor Pi: You know I once visited a land of Pantlessness? Fascinating place. A testament to us all really.

Evil Geb grumbles incoherently as he looks up at the well-dressed Emperor in his silken pyjamas, complete with a lopsided nightcap.

----------

Al Ciao the Writer: Isn't that a pistol you're beating Tracer to death with?

Gebohq the Writer: Yeah? So?

Al Ciao the Writer: Well, couldn't you just shoot him?

Gebohq the Writer: Ah, I couldn't afford bullets. Besides, that'd be dangerous!

Al Ciao the Writer: ... Right... Shouldn't you also not kill the writing staff? Not as if we have an abundance of them right now...

Gebohq the Writer pauses in his ritual beating of Tracer the Writer, who groans with relief at the break in pain.

Gebohq the Writer: Good point... Good of the NeS or personal vendetta...

Al Ciao the Writer: Decisions, decisions...

Gebohq the Writer: Al, I want you to make me a list of pros and cons of beating Tracer the Writer to death!

Al Ciao the Writer: Yessir!

Tracer the Writer: Can... I make some... suggestions?

Gebohq the Writer: I don't see why not! Have you got a pen?

Tracer the Writer: I don't think I... can write... you broke my fingers...

Gebohq the Writer: Oh right. Oh well, we'll have to do without your input on this then. Sorry, mate.
Tracer the Writer:

*At the Haunted House of Heroes the ghost party is in full swing. The ghost bar keeps the ghost liquer flowing. Drunken ghosts swing from the many chandiliers that Gebohq had installed to "class up the joint". In the dining hall, ghosts dance on the tables and chairs as the Ghostbusters theme song blares in 5.1 Dolby. Oblivious to all of this chaos, Krig wanders into the enterance.*

Krig: Where Krig's friends?

*Unfazed by the ghostly mayhem surrounding him, Krig begins to explore the Haunted House in search of his fellow heroes. Presently he comes upon the wardrobe Antestarr is trapped in. Hearing Ante's muffled cries, the viking cautiously approaches the wardrobe.*

Krig: Who there?

*The wardrobe bumps, as though someone were throwing their weight against the door.*

Krig: Krig not like this!

*The slamming intensifies.*

Krig: You come out now!

*Agitated, Krig rips the doors off the hinges with a mighty heave revealing a bound and gagged Antestarr. For his part, Ante is making crazy eyes at Krig and attempting to speak.*

Krig: Ante! Why you hide in box?

*Krig unties Ante's gag, allowing him to speak. Ante gasps for breath.*

Krig: Boxes not for people.

Antestarr: Oh thank God! Krig, the ghosts tied me up -

Krig: GHOSTS?!

Antestarr: What? No, it's okay just finish untying me here -

Krig: KRIG NOT LIKE GHOSTS!

*Suddenly, Krig puts all the pieces together. The ghosts playing beer pong in the garage, the ghosts laughing hysterically as they slid down the bannisters, the ghosts going for a late-night swim in the pool: these weren't his fellow NeS heroes. These were SCARY GHOSTS! The very kind he is terrified of!*

Krig: KRIG SMASH GHOST!

*Motivated by equal parts rage and fear Krig draws his trusty axe and takes a massive swing at the nearest ghost partier. The blade goes clean through the ghost and is deeply embedded in the wall. Krig yanks it out, taking a sizable portion of the wall with it, and runs screaming into the next room looking for more ghosts to attack.*

Antestarr: Krig, wait! They're incorporeal! You're just going to cause massive property damage!

*However, Ante's hands and feet are still bound together so all he can do is hop after the viking and try to talk him down. As he hops into the next room the hubub of the party is punctuated by an ancient Norse battle cry and the sound of shattering glass.*

Antestarr: Geb just classed up the place!

In Japan, there is a low squat building nestled among taller ones. This being Tokyo, this building is only low and squat relative to the other skyscrapers. A big sign reads, in Japanese, "Toyko Construction Crews, Unlimited -- We're the ones who clean up when the heroes finish their job."

Phone: BRRRRRRRRRRRRING

Japanese Construction Crew Chief: [Y'ello?]

Phone: Hello? Hello? Is this Tokyo Construction Crews?

Japanese Construction Crew Chief: [I do not speak...is that English?]

Phone: Oh, sorry. My Japanese is rusty, but here goes. [Hey sexy! Do you want to launder my shiznits?]

Japanese Construction Crew Chief: [I beg your pardon?]

Phone: [You bucket of vomit-covered robot! All hail the mighty cheeseloaf, long live the king.]

Japanese Construction Crew Chief: [Sir, are you drunk?]

Phone: [Kneel before Zod!]

Japanese Construction Crew Chief: [......]

Phone: [I wish to squirt your eyeballs into your mother's gingerbread house! Yesterday! I will kill you and stuff you with 20 pesos, at which point you will then proceed to commit ritual suicide] - wait, I don't think seppuku means bonus for finishing quickly, does it?

Japanese Construction Crew Chief: CLICK

-----

Back at the Haunted House of Heroes, Antestarr grimaces and hangs up his cell phone.

Antestarr: I get the vibe that the Tokyo construction crews refuse to rebuild our Haunted Hall of Heroes yet another time.

Emperor Pi: I thought it was Haunted House of Heroes?

Evil Geb: Whoa, I was always thought this place was named after a wrestler.

Subaru: I thought it was something about a Holy Helmet of Halibut?

Krig has shattered quite a few walls, not to mention Geb's precious crystal chandelier. Although let's face it, with the way Bob the Ghost was swinging on it, it wasn't gonna last long anyway. Half of the third floor has collapsed in. Krig is slumbering contentedly on some debris, snoring and snuggled into a fetal position as some ghosts sing a drinking song to soothe him.

Ghost #1: Maybe NOW you'll let us have the place...

Miraculously, the den in which our heroes slumber in Memory Lane is intact.

Antestarr: Make me an offer.

Ghost Bob: I'll pay ya 10,000 bucks for the lot.

Ghost #1: Bob, you fool! He doesn't own the place! He's just a squatter!

Ghost Bob: Oh. Well who does own the place?

Ghost #1: We do!

Evil Geb: Actually, you're the squatters. This house still belongs to the Simon family. Namely, Losien and Geb and myself. So scram.

Ghost #1: Whoa, hold on, let's talk about this.

Antestarr: We couldn't really call it the Haunted House--

Subaru: Hall.

Antestarr: --of Heroes without the haunted part.

Evil Geb: Fine. I want rent. Including first, last, and deposit. And back rent.

Ghost #1:

Mr T: I pity the foo' who owes back rent!

Emperor Pi: I say! Where'd you come from?

Mark Hamill: We've been here the whole time. We were clubbing in the den when your friends kicked us out for scrapbook time.

Mr T: I pity the foo' who forgets us!

This statement strikes an odd chord in Antestarr.

Antestarr: Forget? Why do I get the feeling that we're all forgetting someone...?

Emperor Pi: Forgetting something... Hmmm...

Evil Geb: Yeah, I keep forgetting why these schmucks are here! If we're treating this place like a B & B, I want payment! Holiday Inns cost a fortune these days!

Subaru: Wait, I can get breakfast!?

Evil Geb: Uh... let me hire a cook first. You! Ghost!

Ghost Bob: Uh... me?

Evil Geb: You can stay here for free. But you're the cook.

Ghost Bob: w00t!

Subaru: Anyway, I think they're visiting relatives, right?

Concubine #3: That's right!

Evil Geb: What relatives? You're not my relatives! I think...

Concubine #6: Rachel's parents, remember?

Evil Geb: So? She can start paying rent too! Scroungers!

Antestarr: Rachel is the girlfriend of your... uh... counterpart?

Antestarr glances around for a better word other than 'the original person you are a reflection of from an alternate universe'.

Subaru: We're good with "counterpart" I think.

Antestarr: And as Gebohq's girlfriend's parents, I think they get to stay.

Evil Geb: Bugger. Wait. Didn't they break up?

Subaru: [/B] I think it's one of those... we're together but not together kind of deals.

Evil Geb: Bugger.

Emperor Pi: Oh!

Everyone turns to look at the emperor with expectation.

Emperor Pi: I've just remembered something!

Everyone continues to stare at him with rapture.

Emperor Pi: I have a remote control in my pocket!!

Everyone: ...

----------

On Memory Lane the heroes grow restless; mostly the women who are constantly being harassed with proposals of children from Al Ciao.

Al Ciao: I would call our children... Ciaosien... or Losial. Losial! Hey that's a good one!!

Losien: For the last time, dipstick, I am not having your children. You're not an important enough a character for that task anyway! I'm the Main Character!

The Last True Evil: Besides, I'm here! You won't be laying a finger on my woman, tovarish!

Losien: Now, now, darling! No need to get all het up! I'm the hero here, I don't need you trying to protect me. You'd only mess it up anyway and I'd wind up having to save you instead. We all know how this goes.

The Last True Evil:

Al Ciao: But you want to be the father of Apple's baby! Why not be the mother of mine?

Losien: Apple is clearly some kind of plot device so I have to see it through and assert my dominance over other characters as the lead.

Apple: Wait, did you just suggest you're going to dominate me!?

Fred, Teh Uber Blade: HELL YES! [/SIZE][/COLOR]

Maeve: Well, if you play your cards right! Should have seen her in the laundromat!

Soriel: I wonder if Losien's current attitude, induced by DarkSide -

DarkSide: j0!

Soriel: - will actually counter her desire to be the father of Apple's child?

Losien: What the Hell do you mean, chump?

Soriel: Don't forget whose sword you're holding... *grumble grumble* ... I mean to say, you're not being very heroic right now.

Losien: What do you mean!? I'm the epitome of heroic!!

Rachel: No, I think Soriel's got a point. Right now, you just strike me as a total BITC--!!

Amal: Bad person.

Rachel: Did you just censor me!?

Amal: I had to! You're talking about Losien! You shouldn't call her such horrible names.

The Otter: So maybe if we **** DarkSide here -

DarkSide: How's it hangin'?

The Otter: - then Losien will go back to normal?

Amal: And Al Ciao.

Al Ciao: What? I am normal!

Apple: And maybe Mr Russian there -

DarkSide: Heeey - oh wait, not me.

The Last True Evil: You mean me?

Apple: Any other Russians around here? Yes you. Maybe he won't have another bout of the tentacles.

Losien: I don't know, I kinda liked it...

Everyone Else:

Carlotta the Cape: I know what you mean, honey. For a change, we're totally on the same page. [/SIZE][/COLOR]

Losien: Yeah! Damn straight, Carly!

The Last True Evil: Carly?

Losien: My cape!

Soriel: Your ca-... *sigh*

The Otter: So, are we going to batter DarkSide or not?

DarkSide: Waaaaazzzaaaaaaaaaap?

Losien: Okay fine. I'm totally onboard with the idea of beating the crap out of someone. The fact he's a bad guy is just a bonus point.

Apple: Bonus point for making you a daddy!

Losien: Hell yes!

Al Ciao: Nooooooooooooo!

The Otter: NOW! GET HIM!

DarkSide: 'Sup dudes? GAH!!

The heroes, apart from two, all dive upon DarkSide and give him a good thrashing, obscured by a gigantic comedy dust cloud. Soriel is still nursing his wounded arm -

Losien: You big WUSS!

Soriel: *grumble grumble* [/SIZE]

- and The Otter is drinking a beer.

Soriel: Wait, what? Wasn't this your idea?

The Otter: Why fight your own battles when you can get other people to do it for you? Besides, how do you think I've lasted this long being a central character? By running away. A lot.

----------

In the Writer's Realm Al Ciao the Writer glares at Britt the Writer with astonishment and disappointment.

Al Ciao the Writer: You just gave up an opportunity for an epic battle scene!?

Britt the Writer: I know! I just don't have the time to be awesome right now!! *weep*

----------

Soriel and The Otter casually watch arms and legs randomly pop out from the dust cloud.

Soriel: I'm sure I just saw Apple with a very surprised face.

The Otter: I think Maeve took the opportunity.

Soriel: Oh? Ooooooooh...

The Otter: Could be anyone's hands in a cloud like that. Flailing around. Perfect opportunity for a good gro-

Soriel: Okay, so once they've finished fighting -

The Otter: And groping.

Soriel: - and gropi- ack! Idiot. Once they finish we can get on with these memories.

The Otter: Yeah, but damn it's taking us ages to get through these memories!

Soriel: I fear the Writers have been struck down by a most destructive disease...

The Otter: Eww, really?
Soriel: Yes. Lazitis!

Back in the Haunted Mansion;

Concubine #2: There was this one time he tried to put bread in the VCR.

Subaru: VCR? How long ago was this?

Concubine #5: I remember he tried to contact aliens with a DVD.

Antestarr: Uh... what DVD was it?

Concubine #5: Didn't matter! All he was doing was waving it up at the sun!

Emperor Pi: Shiny side up!

Concubine #5: Shiny side up.

Concubine #1: [/B] I think it's all the magick. It's addled his brain against technology.

Emperor Pi: [/B] Before you all continue to belittle my technological supremacy, I must point out that this is no ordinary remote control. It is, in fact, a plot device.

Evil Geb: Ahhhhhh. I know exactly what you mean, old timer!

Evil Geb snatches the remote control from Emperor Pi and begins to aim it at things and pushing buttons.

Antestarr: What... are you doing?

Evil Geb: It's a plot device! Like in one of those point-and-click adventures! This device will react with something in our current story arc!

Subaru: Uh... have you tried the TV?

Evil Geb pokes the sleeping Krig with the remote.

Krig: Muffins.... muffins! Muffins.... muffins! Muffins... apricot!

Evil Geb: ... do you think that was the reaction?

Subaru: I doubt it.

Evil Geb: Damn. Hey, maybe it makes ladies' clothes fall off!!?

Subaru: Don't even think about it.

Evil Geb: What? It wouldn't be my fault if that was its intended use!

Subaru: I was talking to the Writers!

----------

Britt & Al Ciao the Writers:

Tracer the Writer:

Gebohq the Writer: See what I've had to put up with while you've been gone? This is the only reason I spared your life!

Tracer the Writer: I can feel the love... :saddowns:

----------

Evil Geb: Okay, okay. Maybe it's the mute button for my new baby! Let me go test it!

As Evil Geb disappears into his room the others hear muffled shouts from Young that mostly revolved around "stop trying to mute your son", "don't try to mute me either" and, most embarrassingly, "don't poke me with that".

Evil Geb then emerges again with puzzlement on his face.

Evil Geb: I just can't figure this one out.

Antestarr: Maybe it's not for any of our related quests?

Subaru: Emperor, where did you get it? And please don't tell me "the couch" or I'll--

Emperor Pi: Rachel.

Concubine #3: Rachel? When!?

Concubine #5: And you didn't think to mention this sooner?

Emperor Pi: [/B] I've been busy!

The Concubines all stare their husband reproachfully.

Emperor Pi: And I forgot. She gave it to me shortly after she made her agreement with Thand to be possessed by the Spirit of April Fools and ran away to join the circus.

Concubine #1: NeS Heroes, dear.

Emperor Pi: Right. Heroes. She called it insurance. Insurance against Thand I presume.

Subaru: Wow! It must be super powerful!! Let me have a go!

Evil Geb: Oh, now you want to play with my remote control? Sure you don't want to just use it on the TV, huh?

Subaru: GIVE!

Evil Geb: There's a rental fee.

Subaru: Whaaaat? Mercenary! Antestarr, you can use your new-found NeSferatu powers to get me that remote.

Antestarr: Are you being serious?

Subaru: Well, you did cheat on me with your ex to get those powers! I ought to get some kind of benefit out of it!

Evil Geb: Whoa, dude. You cheated?

Antestarr: No!
Emperor Pi: I don't see the problem. Just marry them both, young man, then everyone's happy!

Subaru: I bloody wouldn't be!

Evil Geb feels a sudden rush of wind against him, his hair billows out and he gasps with surprise. His hand is now empty.

Evil Geb: You thieving swine!

Antestarr tosses the remote into the air and catches it again.

Antestarr: It's not yours. You took it from the Emperor.

Concubine #1: Who got it from dear little Rachel.

Emperor Pi: Who got it from Thand.

Subaru: Who probably stole it from someone else.

Antestarr: So, finders keepers.

Subaru: Brilliant! Okay, let me play with it!

Antestarr: No.

Subaru: TRAITOR!

Evil Geb childishly pulls out his tongue at Subaru, who repays the insult likewise.

Antestarr: I think I know what it's for.

----------

Soriel: If only we had some oh-so-convenient plot device that would allow us to quickly travel through a whole series of memories in quick succession!

Antestarr: You mean like this?

Soriel & The Otter: HOLY RICE CAKES!!

Antestarr: Sorry guys, didn't mean to make you jump. I tell you it was really difficult entering this trance state. I think being a NeSferatu makes it really difficult to do crap like this. Too much like dreaming, right?

The Otter: Ew, you got turned?

Antestarr: Yes.

The Otter: Nasty. Wait... was she hot?

Antestarr: ... Don't tell Subaru I said this, but YES! VERY!

The Otter: Way to go, mate!!

The Otter and Antestarr high five.

Soriel: Right... why are you here?

Antestarr: Oh yeah. To give you this.

The Otter: Isn't that the Holy Hand Remote from all those story arcs past?

Soriel: The one with the Twice-Forgotten scenes of Arkng Thand and Apple stealing the Holy Hand Remote, travelling through time to clone it, and returning the original to myself and Lieutenant Randy?

Antestarr: Wait, you were around back then?

Soriel: Additional memories are revealed through Memory Lane to add character depth. I got to fill in during a scene and help to rescue the remote.

Antestarr: Did you say Twice-Forgotten?

Soriel: Maybe?

The Otter: Did you really say lieutenant Randy instead of just Lt Randy?

Soriel: Uh... maybe?

Antestarr: Alright. I got to get back before Krig sets the HHH on fire, or starts trying to charge the cockroaches rent.

The Otter: Ah the old fun and frolics...

Antestarr: And screaming baby.

The Otter: Ah... Glad I'm with the fun group. Bye-bye!

Antestarr: Ciao. Heya cat.

Antestarr disappears. The Otter holds up the hand remote ready to push the "skip" button.

Soriel: Wait!

The Otter: What?

Soriel: Shouldn't we wait for the fight with DarkSide to finish? It might mess things up if we're not all focused.

From within the dust-cloud a pair of white boxer shorts, complete with red love-heart prints, flies into the air.

Soriel: I'm pretty sure they were Al's. He couldn't impregnate DarkSide could he?

The Otter: I seriously doubt it. Besides, I think we've been duped again.

Soriel: You mean... The Illusionist.

The Otter: Aye. You noticed now... unlike a force of nature DarkSide actually was there, right?

Soriel: I suppose so... but he's always been... changeable. Besides, I guess you missed what Antestarr said on his way out?

The Otter: No?

Cat: 13 4 1< 4!!

The Otter: Shwa!?

Soriel: I think she said "baka".

The Otter: In l33t?

Soriel: Japanese l33t at that.

The Otter: Why are you a cat?

The Illusionist (Cat): Because I like cute things! I am a girl, you know?

The Otter: I thought you were Gap-Toothed Old Man?

Soriel: I thought you were Darth Puis.

The Illusionist (Cat): I am! Was! They're just two of many disguises. I was also the girl in the cabin in the woods trying to seduce Lt Randy, if memory serves. And the secretary for the Story Arcade. And other stuff.

The Otter: Can I be seduced in a cabin in the woods?

The Illusionist (Cat): By a wild, ravenous bear maybe!

The Otter: Damn.

Soriel: So that really is DarkSide within that huddle?

The Illusionist (Cat): Right. I'm just sat here being a sweet and cute kitty. See? Mrrrrow.

The cat rolls onto her back and mews up at the two men.

The Otter: Okay that is really cute. Aren't you, eh? Such a cute little kitty!

The Otter reaches out to stroke the cat.

The Illusionist (Cat): Touch me and die.

The Otter:

----------

In the Writer's Realm Al Ciao the Writer is leaning against Britt the Writer's desk.

Al Ciao the Writer: Ah, I see what you did there. Another Chekov's Gun? Well placed such a long time ago and suddenly there's the opportunity to utilise it.

Britt the Writer leans back in his chair, hands behind his head.

Britt the Writer: Ah yes. I knew it would come in handy at some point. Now we have a great excuse for the sudden flurry of memories rather than taking our time through the pages.

Tracer the Writer: I thought it was the remote control, not a gun?

Britt & Al Ciao the Writers glare at Tracer the Writer.

Britt the Writer: Such an uncouth savage!
Al Ciao the Writer: Such an uncivilised brute!

Tracer the Writer:

When the cartoon-ish puff of smoke clears, our heroes are scattered around Losien and Darkside, bruised and battered. Losien is holding Darkside up by the scruff of his robe's collar, glaring into his glowing purple-soul-filled eyes.

Losien: Surrender now, villainous blackguard!

Darkside: C'mon, gal, like...chill.

Rachel: Did Darkside - the incarnation of all evil overlords throughout fantastic fiction - just say "chill"?

Soriel: I could be wrong but I don't think that's very appropriate for him to say.

Losien shakes Darkside for good measure.

Losien: Tell me how to deactivate the bomb!

Other Heroes:

Al Ciao: What bomb?

Losien: There's always a bomb.

She shakes Darkside again.

Losien: WHERE?!

Darkside: Over...there.

All eyes follow Darkside's pointing finger to see Al Ciao, adjusting his jeans after putting his heart-covered boxer shorts back on.

Darkside: Al, dude...you da bomb!

Everyone groans.

Rachel: As the incarnation of April Fools, I'm all about bad jokes, but...that was bad, even by my standards.

Otter: Wait, didn't Al try to impregnate you during that tussle? Why are you--

Soriel: He's gay. Obviously.

Darkside: I am NOT gay! Maybe a lil bi-curious.

TLTE: And Al! I thought you were straight as an arrow.

Al: I am. I can smell a woman in heat.

All our heroes eyes widen as they turn to Darkside, whose features, come to think of it, are surprisingly feminine. Losien hesitantly presses her free hand into the loose black cloth of the robe covering Darkside's chest...

Losien: Girl...I have got to get you into a laundromat.

Other Heroes:

Al: Totally called it.

Otter: Dude! Where'd you get this nose for women? I thought I had one, and I never suspected!

Darkside puts a hand to HER belly with a slightly dazed smile.

Darkside: I think our baby girl will be delightfully evil and munchkinistic!

Maeve: Wait, baby girl?

Amal: Al Ciao always seems to have girls for some reason.

-----

Britt the Writer: Al, you dirty pervert...

Al Ciao the Writer: It's not like that!

Britt the Writer: Not to fear, that will remain the official party line...

-----

TLTE: But hold on, I'm confused. Darkside being a woman, that's one thing. But why is he - er, she - completely stoned?

The avatar of all evil in question makes a peace sign with her fingers.

Soriel: Well, he - she, I mean - was bringing out the dark side in all of us. I think she accidentally brought out the dark side in herself.

Rachel: What, to be a dopehead?

Darkside: I'm hungry!

Maeve: That'll be the weed taking effect.

Darkside: Ketchup-covered pineapple sprinkled in mustard seeds seems like just the ticket, eh?

Maeve: ...or the pregnancy.

Apple: Hey, me too!

Darkside: Girl, you're talking my language. Let's go get some!

They strut off, arm in arm, to find a bistro somewhere in Memory Lane that will cater to their shared craving.

Al: Hey, they're both having the same craving my now-dead wife had when she was pregnant! Those babies are MINE!

Losien: Actually, I'm pretty sure that's just your Writer trying to swing things his way.

Al:

Otter: I wonder if they're going to the laundromat?

Losien: What? Not without me they aren't!

She dashes after them.

TLTE: But what about--

Losien tosses off a reply over her shoulder.

Losien: I don't have hot dogs and hot dog buns at the same time, honey!

TLTE:

Otter: Just when was I starting to envy you having a bisexual lover, too.

Otter: I feel like there was an important reason we were all here.

*TLTE shrugs.*

Otter: But I forget what it was.

TLTE: Perhaps a walk down memory lane will help return it to you.

*Otter is about to respond when the theme song from Terminator strikes up.*

TLTE: Well that sounds ominous.

*Suddenly in a flash of lightening the fabric of space and time is ripped apart, and with a loud explosion an evil robot toaster coalesces into being!*

Maeve: Hey, I guess we can have breakfast now -

Otter: RUN AWAY!

*Twin plasma cannons fold down from the toaster's fuselage and opens fire on the heroes, who for their part flee down memory lane. Whereas before they were able to encounter their memories at a more leisurely pace, now the memories are coming at them fast and furious.*



Otter: Wow, I totally forgot about that time I worked in the hospital! I think I'm cheering up!

*A grenade explodes next to Maeve and Otter, the shockwave knocking them to the ground. Maeve staggers to her feet and pulls Otter up.*

Maeve: Keep moving!

Otter: Look, another memory is forming...



Otter: That's funny, I don't remember dying on page 25.

Maeve: Well if you don't hurry up we're both going to die here!

*As if to emphasize the point the toaster rakes machine-gun fire over the spot where Maeve and Otter were only moments before.*

Maeve: Move it!



Otter: Poor Maybechild. We hardly knew you.

Maeve: She didn't die! You're just remembering wrong! The toaster is messing things up!

*Maeve and Otter duck into an alleyway, dodging another explosive barrage.*

Otter: You know Maeve, I wish Maybechild was still with us. She was always much nicer to me.

Maeve: No she wasn't!

*The toaster rounds the corner, cutting their argument short. *

Otter: Look! We found the others!

*The toaster wastes no time in raining hot plasma death over the heroes. Caught dead to rights, Maeve and Otter take the only option left to them: they dive in slow motion, crashing through the laundromat's front window.*

Al Ciao: Oh hey guys, what's up?

Otter: We're being attacked by space toasters!

Losien: Otter, there are no space toasters. Calm down.

Maeve: No, it's true! We need to hide!

Otter: No time! Our only hope is to activate the toaster's natural enemy: the washing machine!

Maeve: That seems like a really bad plan.

Losien: Wow, he's really hallucinating.

Maeve: I'm telling you, it's real!

*Otter leaps to the nearest bank of washing machines, inserts a quarter, and dials up a spin cycle.*

Otter: Activate defenses! Deploy munitions!

*At that moment the laundromat's door is blown off it's hinges, and the relentless toaster continues it's pursuit. Shocked, everyone except Darkside dives for cover behind the washers.

Darkside: Yes, yes, good, good, my pretty. Destroy them!

*Darkside rubs her hands together in anticipation of the heroes demise. Unfortunately for her however the futuristic deathtoaster doesn't distinguish between such abstract human concepts as "good" and "evil" - it exists simply to terminate all life.*

Darkside: What?

*As it continues to shoot at the heroes the toaster launches a volley of rockets at Darkside, who dives out of the way just in time.*

In the memory of the laundromat, Apple and Losien stick their heads up above a row of dryers.

Losien: Oi! Keep it down, we're trying to satisfy our mutual craving here.

They break out into giggles.Apple: Hey, what's the big idea, dragging a death-spewing robot toaster from the future into here? Some of us are TRYING to--

Otter: Emergency sequence alpha phi omega kappa! Activate! Secure all hostiles! Maximum prejudice!

Rachel: Wow, you can tell Otter's afraid if he's too distracted to even notice the hot lesbian sex.

Maeve: Girl, did you just call lesbian sex hot? I knew you were one of us!

Rachel facepalms.

Rachel: GAH! Enough with the adolescent sex jokes already!

Amal: As an adolescent high on pubescent testosterone, I must object strenuously to that suggestion.

Al Ciao: Not to interrupt your highly edifying conversation here, but... DEATH-SPEWING ROBOT TOASTER FROM THE FUTURE!

Soriel: Aren't you already dead?

Al: Oh yeah!

Al cheerily walks unscathed through the barrage of spewing death.

Toastinator: Switching-to-nonlethal-containment-weaponry.

Al: Wait, what?

An electrified night launches from the toaster's innards, trapping Al's ectoplasmic form and sending his ghost body into helpless twitching spasms.

Amal: Wow, bugger for you, ghost man.

TLTE: On the plus side, it's not trying to kill us anymore. Way to go, Al!

Toastinator: Switching-to-lethal-elimination-weaponry.

TLTE: Damnit!

At this moment, another metallic voice cuts in.

Washing Machine-o-Matic-o'-Death: Come/with/me/if/you/want/to/live.

Otter: Yes! I knew you'd activate eventually!

Rachel: ...complete with yet another copyright infringement.

The Washing Machine-o-Matic-o'-Death opens fire on the Toastinator, which returns in kind. Our heroes suddenly remember their competence - well, those of them that are competent to begin with, anyway - and leap into action alongside the Washing Machine-o-Matic-o'-Death. TLTE improvises his sword-and-gun fu skills with his tentacles to great effect, at least till he remembers that he's a damsel this story arc and lapses into uselessness.

Soriel, even without his sword, is a capable combatant, ripping off several Matrix moves as he batters the Toastinator with his fists and dodges bullets. Losien and Apple leap into the fray, the hero and the assassin side by side, as Rachel employs a Pistol-that-shoots-a-big-cartoony-fist(TM) to breach the Toastinator's armor.

Darkside: This is sooooo not working out. This thing was supposed to kill the heroes, not turn on me and then prove to be useless at its job!

Al: .........

Darkside: Oh, don't give me that. I'm not the first mother-to-be of your child who's wanted to kill you.

Al: .........

Darkside: *cough*MIA*cough*

Al: .........

Darkside: Oh shut up.

In the chaos of the fight against Darkside, the Holy Hand Remote is accidentally hit, and the memories abruptly skip ahead.

In the absurdity of the fighting, most don't seem to notice that Al Ciao is attempting to marry the Darkside in an unholy shotgun wedding, with Rachel presiding over as minister.

Rachel: Oh how I adore seeing love overcome even evil.

Al Ciao: I'm just making sure I get a baby out of this!

Darkside: And I just want to snack on baby-back ribs.

Al Ciao: What?

Darkside: Nothing.

Rachel: Al, we should talk about your recent obsession with wanting more babies--

Al Ciao: Just marry us already before someone notices!

From the confusion of fighting, Soriel pops his head up.

Soriel: Notices what?

Al Ciao: That Darkside just called you a pretty boy from behind your back.

Soriel: It's not my fault I'm modeled after an anime style! When I get my hands on him...

Is this just another trick from the villains to further distract our heroes from their quest? Find out, in the next installment of the Never-ending Story Thread Squared!

In the "Real" World, atop of the Scandinavian Mountains Voodoo Snowflakes is chopping wood outside of her mountain cottage. The snow has been falling and there are barely any trees around so where the hell she got the wood from is anyone's guess. One the nearby bench, which appears to be lovingly carved by Voodoo herself, is a large half-eaten breakfast though, again, where she got the eggs, milk, sausages is a question for the ages. Shopping trips must be a bugger.

More surprising is the present of a kangaroo, which tuts at Voodoo.

Voodoo Snowflakes: What's that Skip? The time portal has been opened up again?

Skippy: Tut tut tut tut.

Voodoo Snowflakes: Toasters are attacking again?

Skippy: Tut tut tut tut.

Voodoo Snowflakes: It's my duty to guard the portal again and ensure no one else breaks through into the future?

Skippy: ... tut.

Voodoo Snowflakes: Well, this does sound like a job for... Sran Cadpill!

Skippy: TUT!!

Voodoo Snowflakes: [/B] What do you mean who's Sran Cadpill?

Suddenly the kangaroo punches Voodoo Snowflakes, knocking her out cold, and steals her breakfast, which he'd been asking for the entire "conversation".

----------

Back on Memory Lane, where very little remembering is actually being done, Al Ciao's attempt to cover his tracks against Soriel's sudden interest into his affairs goes horribly awry... at least for the hopeful couple.

Soriel: This time you have gone too far DarkSide!
In a sudden fury Soriel leaps at DarkSide.

Al Ciao: Heeeeeeeeeeeey, you're ruining my wedding day!!!

Soriel: Your what!?

Al Ciao: My... my... bedding day! Yeah! The day where I... bed all of the girls!!

Soriel looks at DarkSide then back to Al Ciao.

Soriel: ... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew...

In the confusing mess at the laundromat a few car radios, an alarm clock and a George Foreman Lean Mean Grillin' Machine join the fray but no one can tell which side they're on.

Apple: Did you just try to grope me again?

Maeve: Um... yes?

Apple: Don't force me to take this George Foreman to your face!

Maeve: Can that be a euphemism?

Apple: It can be a euphemism is that euphemism still ends in something incredibly violent.

Maeve: That's not really a euphemism then is it?

Losien: Aww, and I thought we were all getting on so well with our lesbian antics.

Apple: No way! I don't mind a joke to wind the boys up but I ain't ever going to do any spelunking.

Losien: Spelunking? What's that got to--?

Maeve: That was a euphemism!

Apple pulls up a piece of paper.

Apple: Do you see this?

Maeve: A piece of paper?

Apple: I meant what's written on the piece of paper!

Losien: The narrator didn't tell us...

Apple: It's my character sheet! And right here it states "Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual" and I'm comfortable enough with my sexual preferences that I don't need to do any experimenting, thank you.

Losien: I'm pretty sure my character sheet says I'm heterosexual too...

Apple: But you have been infected.

Maeve: Uh, you know we live in the modern era right? It's not considered an illness these days, homopho--

Apple: I meant infected with DarkSide... or whatever the Hell is actually going on. I don't even know anymore.

A vending machine flying through the window to score a MEGA COMBO against the alarm clock. Coke cans go flying everywhere.

Apple: Plus I'm pregnant, I think it would be irresponsible to go having sexual liaisons with random people.

Losien: Hey, I'm the father of your baby!!

Apple: Good point...

Losien: In fact if I sleep with you maybe it'll secure my place as Daddy #1!

Apple: Al already did that.

Losien: All the more reason I should too!

Apple: This is just too weird for me. Whatever happened to family-fun jokes with none of this sex talk?

Losien: Uh... sex jokes are more fun?
Apple: They are?
Maeve: Well, sex is more fun so it follows...
A lamp attempts to insult the future toaster through Morse Code while a NES console breaks the door down and flails controllers at people. The Last True Evil receives a nasty black eye from a particularly aggressive iPad and a very old microwave sits on Rachel.

In the audience, a Random Audience Member (you were expecting maybe Bob from The Price is Right?) stands up.

Random Audience Member #3.14159: I want to be a character! Maybe I can pull a Rachel and rise from our ranks to become someone's love interest!

Good luck with that. Rachel went to the same school as her current love interest, is a princess, bonded with April Fools, and had help from the wisest man in history.

Random Audience Member #3.14159: Well, maybe if I save the NeS!

Save? It's not like it needs saving. In case you haven't noticed, it's survived one post thread killers, Page 50, and double-parking main characters.

Random Audience Member #3.14159: But no one's posted in days! It's like the Writers forgot about us!

And what do you plan to do about it, O Red Shirt?

Random Audience Member #3.14159: I'll show you! ...and what does my red polo have to do with anything.

Why nothing, nothing at all. So, what, you're driving your truck, and where are you headed?

Random Audience Member #3.14159: To here! A junkyard!

Um...I'm not even sure I really want to ask.

Random Audience Member #3.14159: All the NeS needs is a good ol' fashioned D.U.M.P.

............................................Get out.

(Non-Story Note: I've been taking far too long gathering memory posts so I'm going to start now and aim to post once every 2 days for the next 10-ish posts. Don't let that stop anyone else from interrupting with their own part to weave into the story!)

As the battle in Memory Lane begins to die down, Losien catches Darkside off-guard, the edge of Fred Teh Uber Blade threatening to decapitate the evil spirit, and her cape, Carlotta, billowing conveniently for dramatic effect. In the aftermath of the chaos, the Holy Hand Remote lies on the ground, and a dying microwave hums down it's final cooking timer.

Rachel: How does that even work?

Soriel: You think I'd have put up with it if it wasn't uber? Still, Losien seemed to have mastered my blade surprisingly well.

Fred, the blade Losien now wields, continues to express stunned obedience, or as much as a talking sword can do so.

Fred: All my sexual fantasies...they've come true...

Carlotta: We're forever indebted to you, Mistress Losien.

Al Ciao: Losien, stop! Darkside is bearing my child!

Apple: What.

Losien: Only if this unholy wedding goes though, which I won't allow.

Apple: What.

Maeve: Are there any hot bridesmaids hiding around at this unholy wedding?

Otter: Inquiring minds would like to know!

Amal: I'm not even sure I see a minister around.

Apple: What.

The Last True Evil, remaining silent in equal parts due to the complications faced in the situation, forced damsel-itis, and urge to stick it to the writer of this post for trying to give everyone a speaking line, instead continues to stand helpless. Losien holds the blade's edge ever-so-closer to Darkside.

Losien: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

As the scene unfolds, a memory from page 28 serves as yet another backdrop for their actions...

Darkside: Yes. Your time is up.

The dying microwave dings. Suddenly, numerous dark figures -- shades of forgotten characters -- swarm the scene, with a Da Vinci-styled angel of death commanding them.

Rachel: It's the Avatar of Loss! Leave before--

She was cut off, though, as the dark figures surrounded and walled off from each other, their presence isolating the heroes from communicating with each other in a way only a literary device can enforce. All of the heroes' strength in combat, magic, and even wielding the NeS itself seem currently futile. As Tsolo, the Avatar of Loss, moves into the center of the scene, the Twice-Forgotten man, Michael, walks behind as a master does walking a dog, picking up the Holy Hand Remote off the ground with little reverence. Darkside, her face bitter with the taste of servitude in her mouth, turns to Michael.

Darkside: Was my performance to your approval, Master?

Michael: Oh yes, you were quite entertaining, even if you did fail to stall them as long as I had hoped. The walking statue will take his shot and see if he can do any better while I do some channel surfing for the lost soul of NeS.

Michael strolls up to the towering Avatar of Loss, patting his hand on its back.

Michael: Erase whichever of their sad lives from NeS history you think you can now -- except for Losien. I want you to break her. Break her more than any of the others. Subject her to a loss worse than death, a sorrow that she will regret for the rest of her short life as she sees the very soul of the Never-ending Story consumed before her. Understand?

Tsolo nods and begins to draw towards his victims. Darkside opts to observe for the time, while Michael faces the memory backdrop, the Holy Hand Remote in his grasp, accelerates his frantic search for the lost spirit of the Never-ending Story Thread...

Michael McFarlane presses the "Standby" button on the holy hand remote.

The NeS blinks out.

THE END!

In the Writers' Realm;

Gebohq the Writer: Did... did you just ONE-POST-THREAD-KILL THE NES!?

Britt the Writer (now sporting an evil moustache): BWAHAHAHA! You'll never catch me, coppers!!

Britt the Writer flees, cackling all the way.

Geb the Writer: Damn, he's right, and now he's gone ending the NeS. How am I going to deal with this ever-ending-- that's it!

Gebohq the Writer dashes back to his desk, where he starts doing what he should have done two days ago: write a story post...

---------------------------

Back within the Never-ending Story thread, the story resumes from its suspended state. Michael quickly flicks disgusting dark liquid compound off of the Holy Hand Remote, where he then sees what is a decay-filled mass of pus and blood and ink scratch and spill across and into the ground.

Michael: Ugh, I really need to think more before just picking stuff up off the ground without at least cleaning it off first. My finger could have slipped worse and turned the whole thing off before I had my fill of revenge. It's a good thing that Forgotten characters are so often overlooked by even plot devices, or else...

Tsolo probes on with his first attempt at breaking Losien--

Michael: Hey! Did you forget about me already?!

What the-- who are you again?

Michael: Nevermind that now. Just do your thing, Narrator.

Right then, as I was saying before I was interrupted by that stranger, Tsolo confronts Losien, while a new memory from page 29 suddenly plays without any regard for flow in the background...


Surrounded by the forgotten shades of characters consumed by the Avatar of Loss, Losien cranes to make eye contact with the statuesque angel of character death.

Losien: Who...who are you?

Tsolo stands silent and simply stares at Losien, his empty eyes sending a chill through her. She brushes the feeling aside and regains her composure.

Losien: Don't tell me then. I'll just look it up in the script. Sheesh...

She then pulls out her script and flips through the pages.

Losien: Let's see here... Tsolo, Avatar of Loss, Sorrow, and Regret. The notes here say you hunted down Forgotten characters where they then became forever lost, except you were then forgotten yourself. So you teamed up with Darkside in a standard "end the world" scheme, hmm?

Tucking the script away, Losien takes a defiant step towards Tsolo.

Losien: Listen, I'll play this out, and when it's all done, nobody will forget the fight I had with you, no matter how this turns out. Oh yeah, I bet you were hoping I'd shoot off some cocky speech about how forgettable the fight would be after I wipe the floor with you in one post so you'd have it all the easier to torture me, right? Well prepare to be disappointed, because I'm not going to underestimate you.

With the formality the drama can afford, Losien pulls off her cape, Carlotta, and tosses it aside.​

Carlotta: I thought we had something, Losien...*sniff*

Losien then draws Fred teh Uber Blade from his sheath and points it towards Tsolo.

Losien: It's disappointment time!

With all the finesse at her disposal, Losien assails Tsolo with her blade, tearing apart the very fabric of the story around them to her advantage. During the entire assault, however, Tsolo merely stands as lifeless as he had before, watching as Losien exhausted all of her energy in the futile hope of even scratching him. She stops, breathing heavily.

Losien: With... my last breath... I will fight you!

Again, she leaps into action, throwing a barrage of strange attacks summoned from plot-holes. She hurls strange magics she shouldn't know, brought down celestial powers who had been on their lunch breaks, even powerplayed the likes of which would send Highemperor into a fit of "I could totally do that but, like, way better" spiels. None cause Tsolo to even so much as blink. Losien collapses on the ground, taking feeble swings at him with her blade.

Fred teh Uber Blade: Losien, wat r u doin...Losien... stahp .

Losien: No...must continue... must not give into ironic reversal...

Her body, however, decides differently, and has really had enough of Losien's absurd demands, now refusing to budge even an inch. Her grip on Fred teh Uber Blade slacks.

Fred teh Uber Blade: Well then, if this is going to be the end of me, I might as well have my last moments pressed up against Mistress Hottie.

Fred attempts to gather what little ability he has to move on his own to roll towards Losien. Instead, he ends up rolling away from her.

Fred teh Uber Blade: Noooo....

Once again, Losien tries to get up, and fails.

Losien: Damn writers for not overlooking Tsolo's immunities... damn Tsolo for taking advantage of his immunities... damn my body for giving up...

Her body, having been thoroughly insulted, decides to remind Losien why you should never insult a woman and begins her monthly cramping for not bearing a child.

Losien: Fuuuuuq...

One of the forgotten shades, without breaking the wall the shades had formed, walks up behind her and helps her up. The rest of the dark figures speak to her in a dead and strangely pleasant tone, softly unified as if it were Tsolo's own voice.

Dark Figures: Now it can begin.

Losien: What...can begin?

Tsolo opens his wings, and the stage of her surroundings are wiped clean.

Dark Figures: Your despair.

The wings of Tsolo become one with the blank canvas of her surroundings, and a new setting begins to sketch before her...

(Non-Story Note: Ended up letting the setup go far longer than I anticipated, so my one "planned" part is still coming up for her. From there, and with any of Tsolo's other similar attempts on the other NeS heroes, I'll be making it up as much as anyone else. In any case, as you can already tell, I might be posting slower than I had hoped, hah, so don't wait up!)

Meanwhile (NeS count: can't remember), Michael continues searching for the forgotten spirit of the Never-ending Story as he skims through page 30...

Michael: That's not it...

Michael continues to search, glancing through page 31...

Michael: This isn't it either...

Michael briefly searches through page 32...

Michael: Urgh...

Rushing through page 33, Michael's frustration rises...

Michael:​ Not trashy enough...

As page 34 flips into view, Michael nearly skips this next memory...


Michael: Where is it already!

Worn out, Michael stops momentarily as a memory from page 35 displays...


Michael: This is going to be harder than I thought...

Michael rewinds the memory and stares for the moment at Losien, his face a dam holding back a flood of emotions...