Losien
Losien is the Main Character of the NeS and a young woman with a strong heart and a desire to be a worthwhile Main Character and do the right thing like her brother, Gebohq. She is still trying to get over her feelings of being "unworthy" but so far she has been doing a better job than her brother has done - relying on her friends to help her through some of the toughest times in NeS history and her own. TLTE, Losien's long-time lover, had been frozen in carbonite by Polly Simon, Losien's mother, and whisked away in order to further pressure Losien to quit being a NeS Hero and take on the mantle of Queen of Jupiter. Losien was given Fred, Teh Uber Blade and Carlotta the Cape by the late Soriel, one of the last native survivors of Jupiter. Her Potential is Gwenhwyfar. Losien has most recently been organizing a way to stop the Potentials from hunting them down in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben.

Al Ciao
Al Ciao, who was once known as Highemperor, is a likeable and goofy, if sometimes nihilistic, companion and friend of Losien and her company. Once the greatest powerplayer with a burning desire for multiversal domination, his Potential died, and changed him to Al Ciao, who now only desires to impregnate women and help his friends, his only remaining power became changing his hair at a whim from its style and colour. However a recent mishap that resulted in his death caused his body to decompose while he was absent from it. Mecha Lou, a witch, was able to reattach his soul and replaced many of his parts with mechanical parts - giving Al a vast array of robot powers. He is married to Lady LightSide, who was once DarkSide, and she is pregnant with their child. As long as she remains pregnant, she cannot change back into DarkSide and remains at his side. However he is also expecting another child with a woman called Mia, who was responsible for killing him to begin with. He also has another alien-child somewhere that he is unaware of. Finally there is also his daughter, Iriana Emp, who was recently emancipated from him and has found herself joined with the NeS Heroes. They are finally willing to try to work out their differences and plan to travel to Armenia together, where Iriana is said to be Queen. His Potential was killed by Antestarr, many Story Arcs ago. He last attempted to retrieve Armenian tea within a rampaging castle for his daughter, Iriana.

Evil G
Evil G, known by many other names, is Gebohq Simon from an alternate universe known by some as NeShattered. He was once, like Highemperor, a major Powerplayer in the world of NeShattered. However a series of events led to him falling in love with Young, the "Child of the NeS" whom he married in an evil wedding. After the wedding, he has escaped the grasp of the Ever-ending Plot which consumed NeShattered and returned to Young to be a father to their new child, Chance. Generally Evil G is the anti-hero of the team, acting often as an instigator of conflict, and usually berates everyone else around him, particularly with his sarcasm and insults. He's arguably got more sense than most of the other NeS Heroes, though his drive seems to mostly be "for the lolz" as a front for his paralyzing fears of the events to come. His Potential was killed many Story Arcs ago by The Last True Evil. Evil G currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben.

Lady LightSide
Lady LightSide was once DarkSide, a malevolent force of the NeS bent on consuming souls. DarkSide joined another antagonistic force to create KnowSoul, only to be separated soon after from KnowSoul and set to work on the Heroes of the NeS. During a fluke of story convention, DarkSide suddenly became LightSide when Losien, and the other heroes, were turned increasingly evil. As part of a ruse, LightSide married Al Ciao when she wound up pregnant with his child, causing the moral-and-gender change to remain permanent, though that may change once she gives birth to Al's child. Still pregnant with Al Ciao's baby, she refuses to be left at the Haunted House of Heroes. Yet she does seem concerned over the issue of becoming DarkSide once again and it is likely, she does not wish for it. At this time, Lady Lightside is with Gebohq at the burnt-down Haunted House of Heroes in the 8th Dimension, mindful of her child-to-be.

Tracer
Tracer is a character brimming with "obvious mystery" as he wanders around in his own personal detective story. Often having spoken like a narrative, sometimes badly, he once dresses like Dick Tracey. He is death defying, having escaped death throughout his time with the NeS Heroes and has a habit of showing up at unexpected moments. He rejoined the NeS Heroes during the Battle Over London. He recently displayed his profound ability to use disguises to his advantage, like any true detective. He has a 'Batman-like' quality, so that he will keep to the shadows and reveal himself at the last minute to offer assistance in unexpected places. His Potential is The Orator. Agent Tracer recently stepped through a malfunctioning portal to join Losien and the others in the former Hall of Heroes with the aim of offering aid, and in the process, now embodies eleven other alternate versions of himself.

Frank Smith
Frank Smith, Time Cop, has recently arrived from 1000 years into the future on a mission to arrest a time warp individual. He works for TEA, Time Enforcement Agency, which is run by "Mysterious Person", the identity known only to a select few. Once he found the person he was looking for she turned out to be Apple, the daughter of herself and Losien Simon. He arrested her and took her to the future, but this caused a big problem in the far-distant future which meant Time Cops from then, came back to arrest HIM. He and Apple escaped, but Apple would go through a time hole and disappear - becoming Chronos (her own Potential) and the "mysterious person" running the TEA. Frank feels guilty and responsible and is trying to figure out where he stands with the TEA. Frank is a homosexual, middle aged man going through something of a mid-life crisis and Mysterious Person judges this case to be Frank's test of competence. Frank has a watch upon his wrist that contains Cynthai (CynthA.I. Mk XIV), an A.I. with a holographic projection able to help him in his mission. Frank's Potential was Prophet, who Frank murdered to save the NeS Heroes.

Polly Simon
Sometimes known as "Geb's Mom" or "Los' Mom", Polly Simon recently mingled with the NeS Heroes because she wants her daughter, Losien, to rise up and become the Queen of Jupiter. This would, however, mean she'd be frozen in carbonite for 500 years. Polly used a wish from Baba Yaga to grant her eternal youth and now appears the same age as her own daughter. When Losien refused, Polly tried to force Apple to take the throne instead, Losien's daughter, however Apple has since become Chronos and beyond such things - leaving Polly with only Losien as an option again. Polly has frozen TLTE, Losien's lover, in carbonite and carried him off with her in a walking cauldron. Polly succeeded in having Baba grant one last wish - a wish that Losien would stop loving TLTE. Baba Yaga revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes he loves Losien, it is not true love. Polly does not seem to have a Potential, possibly due to her use of Baba Yaga's wish. Polly was last seen in Madagascar, having left TLTE to his own devices once she was granted her last wish.

Amal
Amal, once a young boy under the care of Arkng Thand, grew up under the adopted care of The Last True Evil. Since then, there has been a struggle between the two for guardianship over the boy - neither realising that Amal was becoming more of a man. His character has swung from dark to light but has not seemed to developed much depth or greatness as a hero - something Thand blames on the shadows of TLTE. During Memory Lane, however, problems occurred when Losien, under the influence of darkness, and Amal - having forgotten TLTE existed due to the powers of Michael MacFarlane - developed a closeness that is now, upon the return of TLTE, uncomfortable. Amal has been raised to become the Main Character of the NeS, though he struggles with finding his own identity, especially now that he no longer has the wisdom from Soriel to draw from. Amal's Potential is Quo Anima, whom he believes he killed, but in actuality still lives and threatens to turn Amal down a dark road paved by TLTE. He currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben, desiring to establish his own identity.

Rachel Pi
Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the potential of April Fools Day. Her love was cast aside, however, when Gebohq felt that he put her and the world in danger as the Main Character. However he has since relinquished that role to his sister and, after a romantic getaway in the floating palace belonging to Rachel's father, Emperor Pi, they are back together, only to experience a new trial - Rachel is pregnant. She is strong, bold, and fearless with an unusual comedic and chaotic streak. Rachel, as April Fools Incarnate, is debatably a Potential herself. She currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben, aiming to maintain a proper balance of conflict for the sake of the story.

Gebohq
Gebohq, once the Main Character of the NeS, relinquished that role not long ago to his sister, Losien. Since then, he met Couchman and Princess Iriana Emp during the Battle Over London, resigned his job as a professional hero to become an associate professor of law, and conscripted as vassal to Iriana in virtually one day. Given opportunities he didn't have before, he then set out to rekindle his love with Rachel Pi, whom never truly stopped loving her but has, up to this point at least, believed that his involvement with her puts her and the the whole of NeS at risk as well as who he really is. Rekindle they did, however they now face a new trial as Rachel appears to be pregnant - a fact Gebohq does not yet realize. Gebohq is often the comedy relief of a group, and though he is cowardly in many ways, he has a deep heroic streak of "doing what's right" when he's truly needed. It should be noted that his Potential is dead. Gebohq is currently at the burnt-down Haunted House of Heroes in the 8th Dimension, salvaging what remains and attempting to keep a comatose Miss Fire alive.

Subaru Yamamoto
Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she felt, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Yet she accepted him still until he eventually turned her away and left the NeS Heroes to start turning people into NeSferatu and forming an army - along with Nyneve, the woman that turned him. Subaru is feeling emotionally fragile and hurt. She knows that Antestarr wants to turn Subaru into a NeSferatu, but she does not want to become like him. Her Potential is Orochi. Subaru currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben, seeking heroic glory where she can.

Iriana Emp
Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. Never having visited Armenia, however, Princess Iriana seeks a marriage match and considered marrying Emperor Pi for his rank as Emperor of China. Refusing to become one of his many concubines, she instead turns her attention to courting Couchman for his skills and affections. She has recently become reacquainted with her father, Al Ciao, and they have many issues that they need to work out. His arrival has caused Iriana to doubt herself and long to understand who she truly is, particularly now that she is no longer involved with Couchman. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea. Her Potential is Nyktelios. Iriana currently accompanies Losien in the former Hall of Heroes in Big Ben.
MZZT
Once a regular member of the NeS Heroes, The Mega ZZTer, often called MZZT for short, now serves to simply aid them with his technological prowess. He does this mainly by maintaining his inventions in their old Hall of Heroes within the ruins of Big Ben. He's currently with Losien and the others who are in the old Hall of Heroes.

Maeve & Couchman
Maeve, now crowned Queen of England, is often an immature and alcohol-prone lesbian. When she isn't drunk or horny, though, she helps her friend and brief fling, Losien, as well as the other NeS Heroes with her sometimes blunt and practical help. Couchman, in turn, was once a lawyer and Renaissance man who wanted nothing more than to win the heart of Iriana. However, due to a number of circumstances, Couchman has resigned to his former live and desires, now finding new purpose in acting as Queen Maeve's primary aid. Maeve's Potential is Venedite, and Couchman's Potential is Midas.

Jim Seven
Jim Seven (written often as Jim7) was once the ruler of Hell, however he was voted in as the new ruler of Heaven. As God he joined the Battle Over London when Serapharch, a powerful angel, tried to destroy a fallen angel named Seraphim - a member of Hero Force One. Since then Jim has mostly been establishing a new heavenly domain on Earth which was, disappointingly, established in Burundi. Not long ago, Team Losien stumbled into his domain. Jim Seven did declare a Crusade against Justin Beiber and had him sent to Hell. Jim also still wants Losien and Frank to return to Burundi to help him build the greatest go-kart track in history, concerning himself little with his greater responsibilities or the events of the world as he resides in Burundi.
Antestarr
Antestarr, long since a "tech guy" for the heroes of the NeS, overused one of his inventions not long ago, which led to his body's decay. On the brink of death, an old flame unexpectedly arrived and saved his life by turning him into, like her, a NeSferatu (a kind of vampire who prefer the blood of major characters making hard choices). While he now shares an unusual connection to Nyneve and a bond that can never be broken, he doesn't love her. Antestarr has a solid, clear mind that is constantly at work to solve the problems before him. However he recently has developed a need for the "blood-ink" of characters, as well as melodrama and self-pity, due to his NeSferatu nature. He left the NeS Heroes to start a 'NeSferatu army', which he controls alongside Nyneve. He left, with the heroes, his lover Subaru Yamamoto who he still longs for and hopes to turn into a NeSferatu - even though she doesn't wish it. He is on the search for Young's son, Chance, which has currently led him to the middle of the Sahara Desert with Houndor, his monstrous dog, and The Last True Evil, who coincidentally crashed there in his attempt to return to Losien. Antestarr does not seem to have a Potential, and desires to have agency in his life to protect the NeS from threats such as the Writers.

TLTE
The Last True Evil, or TLTE, was once the greatest villain to the NeS, but the ex-Soviet super-spy seemed to have turned over a new leaf when he fell in love with Losien Simon. While the true evil within TLTE remains a constant struggle, he uses his love and respect for various characters, particularly Losien and his adopted charge Amal, to keep himself in check. He is currently challenged in his relationship with Losien since she became the main character for the NeS and experienced a 'dark side' during the previous story arc where she cheated on him. Though Losien seemed to not be herself at the time, TLTE's emotions on the subject have yet to be settled through conversation as Losien avoids the issue. Arkng Thand is convinced that TLTE will once again embrace his evil ways and become the greatest threat to the NeS' continued existence. He was, however, frozen in carbonite by Polly Simon, and only recently has been released. Baba Yaga also revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes that he loves Losien - he does not truly. Polly has apparently been granted a wish so that Losien will stop loving TLTE. It should be noted that his Potential is dead, killed by his own hands. At this time, TLTE is accompanying Antestarr as they search for Chance, hoping that they can also find something to help himself in his increasingly selfish goals.
Young & Chance
Young is the daughter of the NeS and the love of Evil G. They were married in an evil wedding and now have a son together named Chance. Young raised Chance back at the Haunted House of Heroes - where Chance has demonstrated some unusual qualities from time to time, mostly scaring ghosts and ghouls of the HHH. Currently, Young is the prisoner of Nyneve, and Chance is held captive by Morthrandur -- Young wishes to reunite with her child more than anything else.

Nyneve
Nyneve was the last of the NeSferatu until recently when she turned her old lover, Antestarr, into a NeSferatu too. NeSferatu long for the blood-ink of the Main Characters' line - which is especially strong in the Simon family. Her primary target is Gebohq and is currently hatching a plan against him, currently building an army of her own.

Twin Suns & The Remembered Forces
Twin Suns, sometimes known as The Chosen One, is the leader of the Remembered Forces, once known as the Forgotten Army. The Army includes all of the forgotten characters of the NeS, including some high profile cases such as MaybeChild and The Otter . They are constantly looking for new recruits and are considered a threat to the NeS by some, while others believe that they are heroes. Having recently been established as the Remembered Forces and recognized as an official power by the English government, Twin Suns and the Forgotten Army have become more threatening than ever before.

Arkng Thand
Once he was the guardian over both Amal and Apple, Thand has since lost both of them to the NeS Heroes. He is a former NeScholar and arguably the wisest man ever. He is mostly aloof, appearing only when he wishes and his motives are a complete mystery, even to his adoptive "children" who often follow his commands without query. Thand seems to have the NeS interests at heart but his actions are highly questionable and his schemes seem to stretch on and on. Many do not know if they should trust him or consider him to be their enemy. Thand has a particular rivalry with TLTE. Recently he has been revealed to be the President of the United States of America, running the government for some unknown agenda. He has a man named "Spin Doctor" working for him, who covers up unusual stories - including the death of Sarah Palin. He has also hatched a plot with Thrawn42689 as his instrument, where Thrawn is watching everything in the NeS by 'infecting' NPCs. Thand is currently researching the life of Britt the Bartend, a character of great significance who was consumed by Antestarr, in his ever-continuing pursuit of knowledge and for the survival of himself, humanity, and the NeS.
Thrawn42689 [/B][/U]
Thrawn is an android created by Doctor Dormouse alongside Ahnuld. More recently Thrawn has allied himself with Arkng Thand and plots to 'infect' various NPCs (Non-Player Characters) and RAMs (Random Audience Members) - indicated by various formations of his overly long serial number. He seems particularly keen to keep tabs on both Hero Teams.

Emperor Pi
The secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much. He cares a great deal for his daughter and his recent involvement in the NeS has largely been focused on trying to keep her safe and support her through her romantic troubles with her lover, Gebohq. He long ago achieved his Potential, as the Jade Emperor of China, and accompanies the other Potentials as they hunt down the NeS Heroes, last seen with Al Ciao as he attempted to fetch Armenian tea. Chronos
Apple, true name Rosebud Simon, was an assassin raised and trained by Arkng Thand. Master Thand used Apple to acquire many artifacts and eliminate problems facing the NeS. She has been a tool to organise and protect the NeS from the shadows without her, or anyone else, realising it bar Thand himself. She is fairly aggressive and seemed to enjoy her job, however recent events caused her to join the NeS Heroes and restrain her killer instinct. A lengthy plot by High Angel to seek vengeance against his rival Highemperor (now Al Ciao) caused her to become pregnant, and in order to thwart that plot, an unorthodox plan was placed from Evil G resulting in Apple being her own mother and Losien to be her father. However she went with her mother to try and save Africa from being destroyed by a temporal bomb, but it resulted in her being thrown through time. This, mixed by Soriel's unlocking of character Potentials, caused her to achieve her Potential and become Chronos - master of time. She started the TEA, Time Enforcement Agency, in Victorian London and has since been known as "Mysterious Person" - leader of the TEA. Prophet
Potential of Frank Smith, who once embodied the ideal of justice, now dead.

The Nega
Potential of The Otter, and possibly the most drunk person ever, he embodies the "un-Potential" that diminishes the potentials of others.

Venedite
Potential of Maeve and new Hand of the NeS, alongside Bhac. She has the power to control dreams with dream powder (and flight).

Gwenhwyfar
Potential of Losien Simon, she is the embodiment of 'heart' in all implications, aiming to hunt down Losien with the intent that Losien and her company do more harm than good alive.

Orochi
Subaru Yamamoto's Potential, she is the embodiment of the warrior spirit. At this time, she has been incapacitated by Frank Smith, spared with the intent that she may join the NeS Heroes to face the Ever-ending Plot.

The Orator
Able to replace The Narrator, The Orator is Tracer's Potential, and has currently been locked away by The Narrator.

Midas
Named after Midas who turns everything to gold, our Midas turns everything into couches. He is the Potential of Couchman, and has currently been left to tend to Orochi.

Quo Anima
The Potential for Amal, seeming to embody what an empty vessel would embody. Qho, however, seems to be filling with evil as he staged his own death by Amal's hands, his current wereabouts and plans unknown.

Nyktelios
Nyktelios is the Potential of Iriana Emp. She is a Powerplayer who may be the 'answer' to Iriana's alternate self that has currently taken over the world and has ordered the Council of Evil to do her bidding.

Britt curled up on his side against the back of a stone pillar. He wasn't crying anymore. His tear ducts ached so much, he didn't think he had any left to cry. The occasional dry heave could be heard from him, and Cathia Imperator gave him a glance whenever he did so, before resuming her watch.

He didn't know where she had brought them, only that it seemed something of a defensible position, with what looked to be manmade stone pillars around them.

Cathia Imperator: Hush!

Britt actually hadn't made any noise that time, but Cathia was listening intently. Then she espied a faint glow in the darkness... approaching.

Cathia Imperator: Britticus! Hide, and arm yourself!

Britt manages to stumble into a crouching position, with Imperator crouched next to him, hiding behind the pillar. The glow approaches, and resolves into a lantern, seeming to float in the night, though it was obvious someone was bearing it.

Lantern Bearer: Friends, I sense the heavy burden on your hearts. My fellows offer shelter, and succour, and counsel.

Cathia Imperator had stiffened as they had been addressed. How did the man know they were here? She nocked her bow.

Cathia Imperator: Tell your 'fellows' to show themselves.

Lantern Bearer: There are too many of them, and too small a space here. Come. I will guide you.

Cathia Imperator gritted her teeth, but Britt forestalled any reply she might have.

Britt: Thank you for your help, we welcome it.

He tugged Cathia Imperator to her feet, who glared at him, but acquiesced. The Lantern Bearer held his lantern up to his face, revealing a hooded man with bright eyes twinkling over a bushy-beared face that fell past his chin but not quite to his chest.

Lantern Bearer: Hail, Britticus, ancestor of heroes. Hail, Cathia Imperator, ancestor of kings. I am Taliesin, teacher of sages.

Britt: Wait, how do you know who we are?

Cathia Imperator: Great work, idiot. If he does work for the Commander, you've just confirmed our identities for him.

Taliesin makes no comment but smiles comfortingly, and turns around, guiding them slowy on through the night. After a moment, Britt and Cathia Imperator follow. Taliesin seems perfectly at ease, wending through the stone pillars, despite Cathia Imperator's bow being nocked straight at his back the whole while.

They come to a particular stone pillar, and Taliesin lets go of the lantern - which rests comfortably on empty air! - to prod a section of the pillar that looks like any other. A glowing sigil appears at his touch, and then an arc of sigils appears on the pillar, forming an illustration in glowing runes of an archway upon the stone.

Taliesin: The door is opened.

Britt: That's not a door, it's just in the shape of one--

He cuts off when the stone within the 'archway' of sigils vanishes, revealing a passageway much larger and longer than the stone pillar in which it is seemingly contained.

Cathia Imperator: You first, friend.

Taliesins nods amiably, and ambles through the portal. Britt and Cathia Imperator hesitantly follow. The archway shimmers closed behind them into solid rock once more, and the three descend through a hidden tunnel into the earth. After several minutes of walking, the tunnel opens up into an utterly massive cavern.

Britt: It's... a city!

Indeed it is a city, a large underground metropolis. Bright lanterns hang suspended in the air at varying heights all the way from street level to the cavern roof. Buildings carved from the rock form squat homes and simple towers. The smell of baking permeates the air, and Britt suddenly realizes how hungry he is.

Cathia Imperator: What is this place?

Taliesin: My friends, welcome... to Doughnutdelf, home of the Druids.

Britt the Legend: Chapter Ten

At Stonghenge, Septimus, Dave and Britt's band (now rather limited in number) of merry (not so merry anymore) men (kind of mixed gender roles actually) returned from collecting firewood.

Dave: "Where did those two bugger off to?"

Septimus: "Well, you know, Britt and that Imperator have always had a bit of a thing going on?"

Dave: "You said that about him and Nyneve a moment ago."

Septimus: "What can I say? Britt's greatest weakness is his love for the fairer sex."

Dave: "Or maybe that's your weakness and you're living vicariously through your friend?"

Dave leant over and kissed Septimus. Beard and all.

Septimus stared into the middle distance, having managed to lose himself suddenly somewhere in the depths of his own mind.

----------

Britt and Cathia Imperator gaze around at the mysterious underground world of Doughnutdelf. The smells of baked goods caused Britt's stomach to rumble and growl like a snoring lion.

Taliesin: "Seems you're hungry, why don't you try some of our famous wares?"

Without asking for it, one of the pastry wizards of doughnutdelf handed Britt a baguette which Britt ate gleefully. He holds his hands out, Oliver-style, pleading for more. The next pastry wizard handed him a large croissant which he also ate with glee and continued to hold his hands out. Taliesin raised a surprised eyebrow as Britt then ate several jam tarts, pies, quiches, cream puffs, biscuits, cookies, waffles, eclairs and scones. Finally a master pastry wizard approached with the greatest of all wares in Doughnutdelf - the doughnut itself.

Britt jammed the doughnut into his mouth.

Taliesin: "Good?"

Britt spat it out and wiped his mouth with a deep cringe.

Britt: "That was terrible!!"

All of the pastry wizards in Doughnutdelf, even to the highest points above, all stared at Britt and gasped with shock and horror.

Britt: "Uh... something I said?"

Taliesin: "My my. Truly you are not blessed in the art of doughnuts..."

Britt: "And that's a bad thing?"

Taliesin: "Just surprising."

Cathia Imperator: "Why did you bring us here, Taliesin?"

Taliesin: "You were sitting out in the cold."

Cathia Imperator: "..."

Taliesin: "Why does everything always have to happen for a reason in this Story?"

Britt: "Story?"

Taliesin: "You'll work that one out for yourself one day, Britticus. For now, follow me."

Britt and Cathia Imperator do as told and follow Taliesin through the streets of Doughnutdelf, up spiralling stairwells and through huts that Britt was sure were made of the same pastry he'd just stuffed in his face. As they reached one of the higher tiers he was able to look out and down at the underground city, seeing the underground river that even ran through it. The water was distinctly brown coloured.

Britt: "I can see why you guys like it here. Except for the poop-filled water."

Voice: "My boy, that is the most sacred nectar of the entire NeSiverse..."

Britt: "Oh?"

Britt looked up to see a man wearing very foreign and unusual clothes that Britt recognised from markets in Rome. Made of fine silk and bright colours, the man wearing them was distinctly Asian.

Jade Emperor: "That is tea."

----------

Dave: "Septimus?"

Dave: "..."

Dave: "Septimus!"

Septimus snapped out of his safe-place.

Septimus: "Hullo."

Dave: "Why don't you come and lie with me?"

Septimus shuffled nervously over to his wife and lay down beside her.

Dave: "Shall we make love tonight?"

Septimus instantly fell back into his safe-place as a reflex mechanism.

---------

Jade Emperor: "I have come far to meet with you, Britticus."

Britt: "You have? How'd you know I'd be here?"

Jade Emperor: "I can sense the tea within you."

Britt: "I didn't drink any..."

Jade Emperor: "It is still there. Within your veins."

Britt: "Pretty sure I bleed blood like everyone else..."

Jade Emperor: "Those are your blood veins. I mean your tea veins."

Britt: "You're saying I have extra veins?"

Jade Emperor: "That's right."

Britt: "That have tea in them?"

Jade Emperor: "Correct."

Britt: "Are you guys smoking opium down here?"

Jade Emperor: "The only high I get is from tea."

Britt: "Pretty sure you can put drugs in tea. Who are you anyway?"

Jade Emperor: "Officially I am the Jade Emperor of China. When I was a mere human I was known as Emperor Pi."

Britt: "So now you're not even human? What are you then?"

Jade Emperor: "Potential."

Britt: "That... didn't help to explain anything at all."

Jade Emperor: "Then perhaps you are asking the wrong questions?"

Britt: "Don't give me that mystic Chinese wankery."

Jade Emperor: "Speak to the tea within."

Britt: "I think it's time to go now, Cathia."

Britt turned around to see Cathia Imperator sipping tea and eating doughnuts at a small, dainty table with Taliesin. For a moment she looked just like her great-descendent Iriana Emp.

Britt: "Whoever that is."

Jade Emperor: "Whoever who is?"

Britt: "Uh... no idea, just heard a voice in my head."

Jade Emperor: "Probably shouldn't admit that too freely."

Britt rubbed his tired face.

Britt: "Okay, okay. I've made a fool of myself plenty as of late. Might as well try this too."

Jade Emperor nodded with satisfaction.

Britt cleared his throat.

Britt: "Oh tea! Tell me... stuff! Come to me tea!"

Everyone stared at him like he was a crazy person.

Jade Emperor: "I didn't mean speak to the tea out loud. I meant within in..."

Britt: "Could have said that."

Jade Emperor: "I rather thought it self-evident. Only crazy people talk aloud to themselves."

After Britt facepalmed, he focused his mind on himself and his supposed inner tea. As he's focusing and thinking about it he does begin to sense something. Something wonderful in taste and texture.

He realised a piece of biscuit was still lodged in his teeth and he quickly cleaned it out with a flick of his tongue.

He tried to focus again. This time a strange sensation enveloped him and he felt a remote connection to something. Something large and wet. He tried to manipulate it with his mind but only with minor success. He suddenly tried to mentally yank the object but was suddenly awoken by cries of shock around him.

He saw Jade Emperor's satisfaction on his old wizened face as he stared down at the tea river that had just soaked many of the buildings around it. Fortunately it was cold tea, not hot.

----------

Dave: "Why don't you show me your trick?"

Septimus sighed. He couldn't keep away in his safe haven as long as his bearded wife kept dragging him back to reality. His trick, however, was much more preferable than the alternative "trick" she wanted.

Septimus pulled out a pencil and began to draw in the air. As he drew, golden lines appeared in the air. When he finished he had drawn a flower. The golden lines exploded in a dazzle of light and the flower, now made real, fell into Septimus' open hand. He gave the flower to Dave, who squealed and giggled.

Dave: "You never told me where you got this power, dear husband."

Septimus: "My mother."

Dave: "Did she teach you?"

Septimus: "She's the goddess Minerva, god of arts and crafts or something like that."

Dave: "That sounds... unbelievable."

Septimus: "I know. Britt still doesn't believe me and I haven't had the courage to prove him wrong yet. I was the pride of my family for such a long time."

Dave: "What happened to them?"

Septimus: "They were... killed. Doesn't matter now. That was a long time ago. But my family name lives on in me. Septimus Prime."

----------

Britt was helping to mop up the riverside after his blunder and yet he felt elated. He had the power to control tea! Tasseomancy was his innate, secret power that he had always had and never known. Admittedly it was weird, but it was still a special power! The Jade Emperor confirmed that only a handful of people would have such a power with each generation and he was one of the lucky few. Even Jade Emperor himself could only wield the power of drink through drinking it, he could not control nor manipulate this precious substance.

Cathia Imperator: "Are you done?"

Britt: "Just about."

Cathia Imperator: "Well, I discovered a love for drinking tea. I'm going to start a whole tea plantation when I conquer Armenia! I'll make a whole brand of tea that'll be known for generations to come! Mark my words, Britt! Tea will be the weapon with which I conquer the world!"

Britt: "All you need now is an evil cackle."

Voice: "Heroes!"

Cathia Imperator and Britt continue to talk.

Voice: "Heroes!!"

Still no response.

Voice: "You two!!"

Britt: "Oh, he really is talking to us."

Cathia Imperator: "Heroes? Seriously?"

Britt: "And what's with the weird strangers today? I think I've had my fill."

Voice: "I am unimportant. I'm just a random member of the Cult of X."

Britt: "Cult of X?"

Voice: "That's right. You must come and meet our leader."

Britt: "Sounds ominous."

Voice: "Oh, it is! But it's fun! C'mon!"

Britt: "...okay!"

Cathia Imperator: "Your stupidity knows no bounds."

Britt: "I know it's pretty dodgy, but he said it'll be fun! Besides, if you think it's such a bad idea, why're you coming?"

Cathia Imperator: "Someone has to watch your stupid arse."

Britt: "You want to watch my arse!?"

Cathia Imperator: "Consider me unamused."

Britt: "I wonder if I could manipulate that tea you've been drinking..."

Cathia Imperator: "You wouldn't live long to regret it."

Voice: "We're here."

They had arrived at a large shrine near the centre of Doughnutdelf. Standing outside the door to the building were shady cult-like folks with big hoods.

Cathia Imperator: "You have your secret cult headquarters in the middle of Doughnutdelf?"

Voice: "Who said it was a secret? Here in a cavern full of wizards and pastry, cults are a very common thing. Just next door are the technowitches, and across the street is the Cult of O."

Cathia Imperator: "Cult of O?"

Voice: "His name's unpronounceable, so we just say O. Anyway, you should go inside."

Britt shrugged and went inside, followed by his friend Cathia. Inside was dark with just a few magical flames to illuminate the path to a large white, curved seat in the centre of an otherwise darkened room. Around the seat were people bowing and praying, while in the seat is a hooded woman with long blonde hair that fell down to her knees when she stood up.

Slowly she approached the two "heroes".

Britt: "Hi there I'm Britt and this is Cathia."

Cathia Imperator: "Imperator."

The mysterious woman threw back her hood to reveal a very sweet face and big, curious eyes. She grinned like a Cheshire Cat and moved in on Cathia Imperator first, kissing the taller woman first on her left cheek and then on the right.

Woman: "It's so nice to finally meet you, Imperator! I have to say, you're rockin' that leather outfit! I bet the boys love staring at your bottom in those tight, tight pants!"

Cathia Imperator, for the first time in her entire life, blushed with a mixture of embarrassment and utter confusion.

Woman: "Britt!!"

She moved in to kiss Britt, first on his left cheek and then onto the right, missing his cheek slightly--

Woman: "Oops! Caught your lips a bit there! Wow, that was an exciting clash! How clumsy of me!"

Cathia Imperator: "Yeah right..."

Woman: "Hey, I'm in one of those boring virgin-for-life gigs. I take what I can get!"

Cathia Imperator: "Who are you and how do you know us?"

Britt: "You know, I think lots of people seem to know who we are..."

Woman: "Well, that would be Plot! We're all Characters in a grand Plot that's a build-up to a much greater Plot to come!"

Britt and Cathia blink several times before they turn to leave.

Woman: "Whoa, whoa! Come on, now!"

She skirted around them to bar their exit.

Woman: "I'm Aetas X, seer of the Cult of X. We we're the guardians of X."

Cathia Imperator: "What's X and what does it have to do with us?"

Aetas X grinned her Cheshire Cat grin.

Britt the Legend: Chapter Ten.Two[/b]

Britt: "But seriously, Aetas X. What is X? You're all called "This X" and "That X". What's the point? What's so special?"

Aetas X puts her hands on Britt's shoulders and stares straight into his eyes.

Aetas X: "X is..."

She leans in close to Britt.

Aetas X: "Plot."

Aetas X kisses, passionately and inappropriately, Britt on the mouth with as much enthusiasm as might be expected of a woman told she wasn't allowed to do so. Cathia Imperator glowers at Aetas X with sudden anger. This was just not appropriate.

Cathia Imperator: "Remove your hands, Witch! Craven cur!"

She throws Aetas X to the ground, much to the shock and anger of the cultists around them. Britt stares wildly with shock at Cathia Imperator.

Britt: "What the buggery are you doing!?"

Cathia Imperator: "She's obviously plotting something, Britticus! She's probably going to tear your heart from your chest or something! We need to get out of here!"

Aetas X: "Britt!!"

Britt: "No! No! Let go! She's totally into me! Cathia!"

She slings Britticus over her shoulder and runs out of the cult's den, hacking savagely at any that drew close to her. She ran through Doughnutdelf, fleeing what dangers the Cult of X may have had in store for Britt. Even if they didn't, she wasn't going to stand there and watch that hussy huddle up to Britt out of the blue!

Septimus Prime: "Let me try and make a firework! You'll like that!"

Dave: "A what?"

Septimus Prime: "No idea, but it sounds cool, right!?"

He draws a firework... unfortunately because he doesn't actually know what a firework is he draws the fuse much too short... BANG!!

Dave: "Fire!!"

Septimus Prime: "Holy crapcakes!"

Dave's beard was burning and burning! Fire went up her oh-so-hairy face until SPLASH! Septimus threw a bucket of water in her face that he'd just drawn.

As the water slips down her now naked cheeks Septimus suddenly gets a whole new appraisal of his beloved wife.

Septimus Prime: "You're GORGEOUS!!"

Dave: "I thought you already believed that...?"

Septimus Prime: "Well, I did but... I mean now!! Wow! I mean you're still super tall and... well built... but man, you have the prettiest face!"

Dave: "Not without my luscious beard!"

Septimus Prime: "Actually... I think... this is a good look for you!"

Dave: "R-really?"

Cathia Imperator: "RUN AWAY!!"

She bursts out of Doughnutdelf and out onto Stonehenge. She continued to run, even as the rest of the troupe started to run after her.

Septimus Prime: "What happened!?"

Cathia Imperator: "Some harlot tried to rape Britt!"

Septimus Prime: "Can I go back then?"

Dave: "Hey!"

Septimus Prime: "Just a joke, dear!"

Cathia Imperator: "Wait, who's she!?"

Dave: "I'm Dave!!"

Britt: "Wow... Dave got pretty?"

Turn off anti-Plot-Hole measures?

Y/N?

Britt the Legend - Chapter Twelve

The crowds of Armenians cheered as the new ruler of the kingdom was announced. Britt the Bard, as he was now known, clapped though his heart was not in it. The crowning of the new king lit the final candle for Cathia Imperator, Britt's long-standing friend and former Queen of Armenia. Her son had risen up to become the new ruler of the land and Britt was left alone.

Septimus Prime and Dave had died long before Cathia Imperator, the old Queen apparently clinging to life like a drowning woman to a raft. Britt half wondered if some of his own immortal powers had somehow rubbed off on her when she reached her hundred-and-second birthday. But now her eldest son, who was already pretty old, was king.

Britt sighed and departed the square, leaving the jubilant crowds to cheer on their new leader. Britt pushed his way down the hot streets, baking in the bright sun, until he found his horse. Strapped to the horse were his bags and his lyre - all he needed for his journey.

Since his Awakening Britt had travelled across Armenia, usually with Cathia Imperator herself, speaking to the people and learning what each town has to offer. He visited the local countries of Atropetene (Azerbaijan), Greece and Macedonia. Even into her nineties, Cathia was ready to travel with Britt across the land but now his journeys would be alone.

He pulled himself up onto his horse and urged it to trot down the street, avoiding merchants and gatherings of excited people. When he reached the last house, well beyond the edge of the city, he stopped and waited for Secondus to emerge from the quaint hut.

Secondus Prime: "Are you sure about this?"

Britt: "I am. It's yours. Just remember, I'll want when... well, when you're finished with it."

Secondus Prime: "It's weird to think you're going to out-live me, Britt."

Britt: "Weird, but unfortunately true. The house is yours, like I said. But don't... you know... put any holes in the walls or anything crazy like that..."

Secondus Prime: "Don't worry, I'll look after it. Me and my... friend... appreciate you letting us have this place."

Britt: "It's quiet and out of the way. Any man can be what he wants to be out here. Enjoy your life, Secondus. I'm sure I'll see you again one day!"

Secondus Prime: "When I'm old and grey, perhaps?"

Britt: "Probably."

With that Britt the Bard continued on. He rode. And he rode. Beyond the border of Armenia and into the lands of the Seleucid Empire, along with the encroaching Armenian armies. The last act of Cathia Imperator was to issue orders for the conquest of Seleucid lands, aiming to take advantage of the Seleucid Empire's weakness and dying years - perhaps seeing a reflection of herself in that ancient kingdom.

Years passed as Britt trekked across the empire. He avoided all contested lands between the kingdoms of the Seleucid, Armenians and the Romans, whose empire had grown considerably. Britt learnt to sleep on horseback, taking naps here and there without falling flat on his face - a trick not easily learnt and with many a broken nose.

One fine day -- I love that expression -- Britt was riding slowly through the fields around the city of Antioch when he saw something running straight towards him.

Britt: "Uh..."

A horde of soldiers.

Britt: "Crapcakes! MUSH! GO! GO! MOVE!!"

The horse, as though it understand his jibberish, turned and bolted - unfortunately spilling its rider flat on his arse.

Britt: "Ouch..."

He groaned, rolled over and once again saw the small dispatch headed towards him. At their head appeared to be a woman. Initially he thought she was leading them, but longer inspection revealed she was running away from them.

Britt planted his face into the grass with resignation. Adventure seemed to be his entire life, no matter how he tried to avoid it. He dragged himself to his feet and waited for them to get closer. The girl apparently spotted Britt and made changed her heading to match his. Either she knew who he was, or she was completely stupid - like an average bloke standing in a field could save her from a motley rabble of soldiers wielding pikes.

Fortunately for her, he wasn't an average bloke.

His arms slowly whirled in motions that resembled Tai Chi, taught to him long ago by the Jade Emperor, and a milky brown liquid appeared in the air around him. He manipulated the hot liquid and held his arms into the sky, sending the tea up into the air. He then, quickly and dramatically, yanked his arms down which, in turn, pulled down the cloud of tea straight down onto the soldiers, bowling them over like skittles. They lay, motionless, in the field covered in hot tea.

The girl reached he and breathed heavily, trying to catch her breath. She leant on him with one arm.

Girl: "By my Aunt Agatha, I'm frickin' knackered."

Britt: "Uh... you're welcome?"

She glanced back at the soldiers.

Girl: "Did you just kill them with tea!?"

Britt: "Don't be absurd."

Girl: "Strange, could have sworn it smelt like tea."

Britt: "It was Horlicks tea. They're just sleeping."

Girl: "Oh... right..."

Britt: "Okay. Well... it was nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your life."

He turned to leave but she grabbed his arm.

Girl: "Wait, wait, wait! You can't just leave!"

Britt: "Actually, I rather think I can..."

Girl: "I mean to say, you have to take me with you!"

Britt: "Um... I don't think I have to do that... I'm not really looking for a travelling companion right now."

Girl: "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!?"

Britt: "Well--"

Girl: "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!!?"

Britt: "Look I--"

Girl: "PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--"

Britt: "OKAY OKAY! Good gravy."

Girl: "Thank you! You just saved my life!"

Britt: "From that lot?"

Girl: "Them and my jealous husband!"

Britt: "What's his problem?"

Girl: "He think I've been looking at other men."

Britt: "Looking at them?"

Girl: "That's right. Specifically my older brother."

Britt winced.

Britt: "He thinks you were looking at your older brother?"

Girl: "Yes!"

Britt: "When we say looking, we mean... looking, right?"

Girl: "Yes. Like sexy-time looking."

Britt shook his head.

Britt: "The guy's obviously crazy."

Girl: "Well... not completely crazy. I was looking a bit."

Britt: "...What?"

Girl: "I always fancied my older brother! But he was already married to my older sister."

Britt: "... ... What?"

Girl: "So my parents made me marry my younger brother. And he's such a brat and he's just so... annoying."

Britt: "... ... ... What?"

Girl: "Oh! I'm Ptolemy by the way!"

Britt: "Isn't that a man's name?"

Ptolemy: "What man?"

Britt: "I mean any man!"

Ptolemy: "How should I know!? I don't know every man!"

Britt: "No, no, I mean like... it's a boy's name!"

Ptolemy: "I thought you said it was a man's name?"

Britt facepalmed.

Britt: "And people say I'm dumb."

Ptolemy: "They do!? What a coincidence!!"

Britt sighed.

Britt: "I guess you're from a long line of brother-sister relations?"

Ptolemy: "Of course! My blood is as pure as blood can be!"

Britt: "Not that blood purity makes any sense to begin with... but it does explain how you can be stupider even than me... stupider... more stupid... stupidier..."

Ptolemy: "Stupidest!"

Britt: "More Stupider..."

Ptolemy: "Most stupidest!"

Britt: "Stupider than... stupid..."

Ptolemy: "What are we talking about again?"

Britt: "I forget..."

There was a groan from one of the sleeping soldiers.

Britt: "We best skedaddle."

Ptolemy: "Wait, wait, there's something important you should know about me!"

Britt: "You're a man?"

Ptolemy: "Wha-What? No! I've got lady bits!"

Britt: "Oh good. It's just I've heard the old 'something important you should know' line before..."

Ptolemy: "I don't know what you mean, but fine. I am a Princess!"

Britt: "I guessed."

Ptolemy: "You did!? How!?"

Britt: "No one but a royal family would think being in-bred meant purity..."

Ptolemy: "...'being in-bed means purity'? I can tell you, me and my husband have done many impure things in-bed!"

Britt: "Not in-bed... nevermind. I'm guessing you're the Princess of the Seleucid Empire? My condolences."

Ptolemy: "Well yes, the Seleucid Empire is one of the empire's I am Princess to."

Britt: "There's two?"

Ptolemy: "Yes! But the second is far more important!"

Britt: "Don't tell me it's a frog-pond or something..."

Ptolemy: "H-H-How did you know!? It's my secret!!"

Britt: "... lucky guess."

Ptolemy: "You have a lot of these lucky guesses... But anyway, I need you to take me to my kingdom!"

Britt: "The frog pond?"

Ptolemy: "Well yes. My subjects will be wondering why I haven't returned yet."

Britt: "You mean the frogs?"

Ptolemy: "Frogs? What frogs?"

Britt: "Your subjects. The frogs..."

Ptolemy: "It's very rude to call people frogs! Besides, there are no frogs on Jupiter!"

Britt the Legend - Chapter Twelve Continued...

Britt stared at the oasis.

He and Ptolemy were standing in the middle of a desert in, what is now, Syria. Britt planted his hands on his hips.

Britt: "Amazing. You must be very proud. Are you going to bathe with your froggy friends?"

Ptolemy: "Well, yes we have to get in there."

Britt: "I am not going to dive into some tadpole-infested pond."

Ptolemy: "You're not a very good Hero, are you?"

Britt: "You know, I never actually claimed to be one."

Ptolemy grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the oasis.

Britt: "You need to learn that 'no' means 'no', Ptolemy."

Ptolemy: "At the bottom of this oasis is the gateway to Jupiter and my empire!"

Britt: "You know, I'm really beginning to think you're trolling me. The whole incest thing and now this?"

Ptolemy looked directly at Britt the Bard and stared into his eyes.

Ptolemy: "Please, just trust me on this."

Britt rolled his eyes and checked that his lyre was securely fastened to his back. He had sold his horse and supplies in the last town, convinced by Ptolemy that they wouldn't need it. He felt like he was being pulled and drawn down a story that wouldn't end well. For him at least.

Holding hands they jumped into the oasis. The rush of cool water shocked Britt's system as the heat of the desert washed away. He and Ptolemy slowly allowed themselves to sink until he felt something unusual tugging at his foot. He glanced down to see some strange swirling mass. He suddenly began to kick and struggle against it, but the draw was too strong and he was being sucked into the Plot-Hole.

Britt: "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo-- ACK!! I'M ALIVE!!!"

He leapt to his feet and fist-pumped the air. The sensation of such as sudden transition was unusual. One moment he was drowning and the next he was lying on a marble surface.

He looked up at the arched roof above him, which extended upwards and away from him until it met its eaves where it was supported by columns of dark purple marble. In fact, most of the materials he saw were purple and the marble was the most common material amongst them. Inside cages were strange green creatures with large bulbs at the ends of their tails and these bulbs glowed bright, luminous green that cast an unusual spread of green-on-purple all along the promenade where he stood.

The sky, beyond the eaves of the roof, was coloured light yellow that verged on being white, and was a mass of swirling clouds that, to Britt, appeared very angry.

Britt: "This is amazing..."

He turned from the sky to see Ptolemy taking her clothes off!

Britt: "What the--!?"

Ptolemy: "You should take your clothes off too, Britt."

Britt: "Well, you're being awfully forward, Ptolemy. Maybe your husband was right be to pissed off!"

Ptolemy: "Huh? Oh! Not all of your clothes! But you really need to at least show off your chest. You'll look really out of place if you don't."

She had whipped off most of her clothes until she was left wearing a leather bra and a white sarong-like garment that did little to conceal her ever-flashing knickers.

Britt: "Right... I'm really not going to wander around the streets of any country, or planet, wearing just my underwear."

Ptolemy: "Erm... this is a... my friend described it as... beefcake and cheesecake world... See for yourself."

She pointed at the edge of the promenade. Britt stepped forward and looked down the hill towards the cityscape below where he could see the people going about their business. Men were big, beefy and well-chiselled while the women were all big-busted damsels with beautiful skin tones of all varieties.

Britt looked at Ptolemy.

Britt: "I'm really not happy about this."

Ten minutes later and he was walking through the Jupiterian streets in nothing but a pair of shorts that Ptolemy cut out of his Roman-robes. Britt was far from big, beefy or well-chiselled and he felt incredibly self-conscious as he tried to avoid eye-contact with all of the people around him. Especially the incredibly attractive women that seemed to populate the entire city.

Britt: "Ptolemy... where are we going? And can we please get there soon!?"

Ptolemy: "We're going to my Palace."

Britt: "I thought you were trying to avoid your husband?"

Ptolemy: "I am! That's why we're going to my palace and not his! His was back on Earth anyway. The Seleucid Empire."

Britt: "Right. I think I'm beginning to understand. I don't think you really need me around at this point though, right?"

Ptolemy suddenly stopped. She tapped her lower lip with a thoughtful finger.

Ptolemy: "You know what? I think you're right! I only needed you to help me get to Jupiter, now that I'm here I don't need you! Oops!"

Britt resisted another facepalm, fearing he would be causing himself brain damage if he did it much more.

Ptolemy: "Oh well! Might as well enjoy Jupiter while you're here!"

Britt: "Yeah right. Enjoy being shamed by all these massive blokes with pecks bigger than my head."

Ptolemy: "Though we'd best hurry to the palace. I think there's a storm on the way and you wouldn't want to get torn to shreds."

Britt: "Torn to shreds!?"

Ptolemy: "This is Jupiter. The weather is... nasty at times."

Britt the Legend: Chapter Thirteen

Britt stood upon the balcony of his chambers within Ptolemy's palace and looked out at the cityscape as it was being ravaged by the storm. Yellow cloud whipped at the buildings' shields, causing a faint purple glow to shroud each visible building. After watching the storm, Britt could easily believe how it might tear a physical being to shreds.

Along with the storm came a horrific noise that sounded like the most Hellish duck imaginable.

Of course, it then turned out that said Hellish duck was quite real!

The booming, screeching quacking thundered over his balcony as the menacing shadow cast over him. Britt leant into the wall, trying to keep out of sight of the huge beast's roving eyes. He wasn't sure if the monster could break through the shield or not - but he didn't want to find out.

Ptolemy: "What're you doing?"

Britt: "HOLY SMOKING BUNNIES OF BENIDORM!! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Ptolemy: "Sorry. I just wanted to sneak up and catch you in the act!"

Britt: "Act of what?"

Ptolemy shrugged.

Ptolemy: "Dunno. Act of something salacious!"

Britt: "What? I'm surprised you even know what that means! Actually I don't even know what that means!"

Ptolemy: "Me neither, but it sounds naughty!"

Britt: "Well even if I wanted to do something salacious, naughty or otherwise, I couldn't with that monstrous quacking thing out there."

Ptolemy: "You mean Marduck."

Britt: "Mar... duck? As in Marduk, the Babylonian god?"

Ptolemy: "Yes. Marduck who is the Babylonian god is the god of Jupiter. Half-man, half-duck god thing. Ugly ******* he is."

Britt: "I'm more concerned about being eaten than his appearance."

Ptolemy: "You'll be fine in here. Just don't go outside during a storm."

Britt: "Well there's no fear of that! I'd be torn to shreds by the storm before I could even be eaten by your Marduck!"

Ptolemy: "Right right. So if you're not doing anything salacious, I suppose I'll be leaving."

Britt: "... you know, I can't tell if you're trying to proposition me or if you genuinely just wanted to catch me in bed with someone."

Ptolemy: "Either way would be fun!"

Britt: "You kind of freak me out."

Ptolemy: "Well that's not very nice!!"

Britt: "Sorry. It's the... genes."

Ptolemy: "I'm not wearing any jeans! All my jeans were messed up in the last wash..."

Britt: "I bet they were. And every other member of your family."

Ptolemy: "Nobody else wears jeans."

Britt: "Yes, well, when somebody invents jeans then I'm sure everyone in your family will want them. And I'm sure they'll all want faded, worn-out and warped genes. I mean jeans."

Ptolemy: "You just said jeans twice..."

Britt: "Right. Sure I did."

Ptolemy: "So, do you want to help me do some crazy alchemy, kill my husband, take the throne and conquer the Earth!?"

Britt: "... Uh?"

Ptolemy: "It would have been easier to convince you if we'd been doing salacious things, but since you're proper gay--"

Britt: "I am not gay!"

Ptolemy: "It's okay! I'm accepting of everyone's sexual preferences! It's cool by me, man!"

Britt rolled his eyes.

Britt: "Just tell me what kind of crack-pot scheme your plotting."

Ptolemy: "So, I'm going to open a whole load of portals to connect to the Earth. I'll then send the power of the storms through those portals onto the Earth and totally wipe-out every living thing. Making Earth easier to conquer. What do you reckon? Genius, right!?"

Britt: "That... sounds like something else... that hasn't been invented yet..."

Britt the Legend: Chapter Thirteen Continued

Britt: "I would say all that power is going to your head... but I think it's the reverse. Your brain is lacking processing power..."

Ptolemy: "I have no idea what that means but I'm sure it's offensive!"

Britt: "Look, I'm just saying you should calm yourself a wee bit. Why do you want to go murdering everyone on Earth? I mean, really?"

Ptolemy: "Because my pleb of a husband is there!"

Britt: "You want to destroy an entire planet of people just to kill one bloke?"

Ptolemy: "... ... ... ... yeeees?"

Britt: "That's pretty evil, you know that right? I'm from that planet and I don't really want to have my friends and family wiped out just so you can get your own back on your hubby."

Ptolemy: "Well... okay so now I feel a bit bad about it."

Britt: "Well that's good. So instead, think of how you can punish your husband, without killing everyone on the planet."

Ptolemy: "Uh..."

Britt: "..."

Ptolemy: "Um..."

Britt: "Just say it. I know what you're going to say. But say it anyway."

Ptolemy: "Heh heh... I sort of... already... it's too late."

Britt:

Ptolemy: "Sorry!! I wasn't thinking, okay?"

Britt: "Not okay! How do we stop your brain-addled plan!?"

Ptolemy: "Well, we'd have to go outside and manually disable all of the portal points."

Britt: "But we can't go outside because of the storm!"

Ptolemy: "Actually we can! We wear protective steam-punk suits!"

Britt: "I won't ask what a steam-punk is because I have a feeling it's not been invented yet. But at least it's a plan."

Ptolemy: "But obviously we might get eaten by Marduck."

Britt:

----------

Later Britt and Ptolemy are outside in the thick of the storm. Britt felt like he would blow away at any given moment, but the strange shielding that coated the metallic suit protected him from all of the storm's effects. Yet it still felt like he was walking through soup.

The suit itself was made of purple-metal, like everything else on Jupiter, and the helmet was a massive sphere with a grate at the front to see through. The oxygen tank on his back was providing him breathable air for the next few hours.

He scurried across the street, pushing through the soup-storm with his arms out-stretched. He tried to keep to the wall, fearing being seen by the dark shadow that loomed somewhere above him. Ptolemy followed him, looking slightly more dignified than he was sure he looked himself.

They both trekked across an open plaza, moving slowly so as not to be easily seen. Marduck's horrifying screech blasted out above them, but his shadow passed by.

Britt: "I'm going to pee myself."

Ptolemy: "Aw c'mon. He's a big softie really."

Britt: "Really?"

Ptolemy: "Nah! He'll absolutely gut you and eat you while you're still clinging to life. I just thought I'd say something nice to you."

Britt: "Thanks. You're all heart..."

Ptolemy: "I know, right!? So listen! I was thinking - once I've brutally murdered my husband, I need a new husband..."

Britt: "... haven't you got any brothers left?"

Ptolemy: "They're all married already. So I was thinking you'd do! How about it? Want to be a Prince?"

Britt: "Uh... I think... I need time to consider it. And run like Hell..."

Ptolemy: "What's to think about? I'm a princess! You're pretty hot - for a Roman - and I don't hate you! That's kind of the important part for me."

Britt: "But our babies wouldn't be... pure. Right?"

Ptolemy: "Oh right! Good point! That's okay! Any children we have, I'll drown them."

Britt: "HOLY FU--!!???"

Ptolemy dove to the wall.

Ptolemy: "What? What is it? Did Marduck see us!?"

Britt: "You are one absolute psychopath, Ptolemy! You can't go drowning babies!"

Ptolemy: "Oh. Smothering them in their sleep would be more humane, right?"

Britt: "NO! YOU CAN'T KILL BABIES, FULL STOP!"

Ptolemy: "You... should really stop shouting so much..."

Britt: "IF I'M SHOUTING, IT'S BECAUSE I'M FREAKING OUT! YOU ARE TOTALLY INSANE! CRAZIER THAN A BASKET FULL OF MONKEYS AND KOALAS!"

Suddenly there's a wailing quack.

Britt: "Buggery."

Britt felt himself suddenly whirl through the air as he was caught in the fingers of Marduck, the monster-god of Jupiter. Britt squirmed and writhed futilely in the monsters grip, during which he caught a glimpse of the beast's bird-like body and it's human-like head. From the head protruded a thick beard knotted with decorative twine. What should have been talons were hands with long finger-nails that wrapped around Britt tightly. He managed to see Ptolemy in Marduck's other hand as they soared through the yellow-blizzard. They continued flying until, finally, Marduck dropped them both and they fell into a heap of metal limbs in the middle of a nest.

Marduck landed on the edge of the nest and barked a quack at them.

Britt scrambled away from Marduck and found himself propped up against the opposite edge of the nest beside Ptolemy.

Ptolemy: "This is all your fault, Britt."

Britt: "Well, maybe if you weren't such a basket-case..."

Marduck quacked at them again.

Britt: "Jesus Christ. I'm going to be eaten by a weird human-duck-monster. This really wasn't on the list of deaths I considered for myself."

Ptolemy: "I didn't envision dying at all! I planned to use alchemy to live forever! I'd have probably drained your life energy and sucked it into me at some point in our future. So maybe this is better for you, at least."

Britt: "You get crazier and crazier!"

Ptolemy: "I'm not crazy! I'm... special."

Britt: "You were clearly dropped on your head as a baby."

Ptolemy: "How did you know!?"

Britt: "Another lucky guess."

Marduck: "Okay, shaddap!"

Both Britt and Ptolemy sat bolt-upright in surprise.

Britt: "You can talk!"

Marduck: "Of course I can talk! I've got a mouth, haven't I!?"

Britt: "Well yeah... but all that... quacking..."

Marduck: "I'm half-duck. Do I judge you for being half ape?"

Britt: "Uh... what?"

Marduck: "Doesn't matter. So! How would you like to be eaten!? I was thinking boiled, mashed, mixed with a little coriander."

Britt: "If I had a preference, I'd say I'd rather not be eaten at all."

Marduck: "I'm sure you would!"

Marduck's face was bigger than Britt's entire body and as it loomed over him with a broad, white-toothed, grin Britt felt truly intimidated. Marduck was weird, verging on comedic, yet also horrifying and beyond strange to the point of being incredibly creepy.

Ptolemy: "How about we make a deal, Marduck? I'm the Princess of Jupiter! I'm worth a lot of... meals, shall we say?"

Britt: "What!?"

Marduck: "Interesting... how many... meals are we talking about?"

Ptolemy: "A hundred."

Marduck: "Three-hundred!"

Ptolemy: "One-fifty."

Marduck: "Two-hundred."

Ptolemy: "One-seventy-five. And I'll throw in my would-be husband."

Britt: "You mean me, don't you?"

Marduck: "Deal!"

Ptolemy: "Huzzah!"

She jumped to her feet, rather deftly for a woman in a metallic diving suit, and cheered. She did a little dance before she turned to Britt, hands on hips.

Ptolemy: "I'm really sorry, Britt. I really am. I'd have liked to have you for my husband. You're really funny. And stupid. So I can relate! But I have to think of myself first. I think you would have annoyed me eventually with all your thinking about... being nice... or whatever."

Britt: "I'm touched."

Ptolemy: "Shame I didn't get to do that salacious thing with you before you died though."

Britt: "Sorry to disappoint."

Ptolemy: "Don't worry Britt. Your precious Earth won't suffer too much. The agonising pain of being torn to shreds by Jupiter's winds won't last too long. Like maybe a minute or two! Maybe three. Or four. Well, anyway!"

She turned to see Marduck staring straight at her. She jumped back with surprise, but tried to recompose herself quickly.

Marduck: "The man if from Earth?"

Ptolemy: "Ha! Yes he is! Sorry, I know those guys are probably not a great meal. But hey, more Jupiterians for your later, right? Consider him an appetiser! I love appetisers."

Marduck looked at Britt and, for a brief second, Britt felt he could see the future. In the space of the past hour Britt had come to seriously dislike Ptolemy and yet what he saw coming made him feel incredibly bad for her - even though she planned it for him.

The crunch of Marduck's teeth was sickening and Britt threw up in a corner of the nest. He kept his back turned from Marduck until the horrible grinding of Ptolemy's bones in the god's mouth came to an end. He glanced back to see Marduck wiping his mouth with a gigantic napkin.

He belched.

Marduck: "Pardon me."

Britt: "That was unexpected. And incredibly gruesome."

Marduck: "Well, lucky it wasn't you then!"

Britt: "And why wasn't it me?"

Marduck: "I don't like these Jupiterians. My real peeps are all down on Earth!"

Britt: "You mean worshippers?"

Marduck: "That's right! I can feel their faith in me, even here on Jupiter. It's a glowing sensation, I can tell you. Keeps me looking healthy. And so a friend of Earth is a friend of mine. What's all this about killing people there?"

Britt: "She's set up portals that will send Jupiter's storms to Earth and kill everyone there!"

Marduck: "Such a little strumpet! Royalty! They're all the same! So, shall we go and save your planet?"

Britt looked up at Marduck with trepidation.

Marduck: "It's okay! I'm not going to eat you! I mean, I was going to... but not now. Now we're besties!"

Britt: "I know she was bonkers, and kind of evil in the end but... I feel bad for Ptolemy."

Marduck: "Who'se Ptolemy?"

Britt pointed to Marduck's belly.

Marduck: "Ah! Well, she got her just deserts. HA! GET IT!?"

Britt threw up again.

Britt the Legend: Chapter Fourteen

In this chapter of Britt the Legend, one must first understand the long and complicated histories of Jupiter, how their mythological gods shaped its people, how its people shaped their gods, and the long-standing feud between the gods residing on Jupiter and the gods residing on Mount Olympus, all of which could only be compiled by the records held by the Taxman in Forms J-32 through J-4365 between the Earth years 92 B.C.E. and, as of this side-compilation, 2002 C.E. (though also including form D-75926 from exactly three hundred years after the end of the "Common Era" and the start of the "Glorious Toaster Era"). Without further adieu, enjoy these gripping tales of adventure, romance, and tax-reformation in...

MARDUCK THE MOST IMPORTANT AND TRUE MYTH: Section One
FORM J-32
Full Name: Marduck--

...and further observation of Ares, Marduck, and Echidna are to be continued.

Due to the infallibility of System Clerks as noted in Section 436, Paragraph 14, Echidna will continued to be identified as half-echidna and not half-snake as claimed by eyewitnesses and participants of the Earth-Jupiter Deity Feud.

END FORM J-4365

And now, the following chapter of Britt the Legend will make complete sense.

-------------------------------

Britt the Legend: Chapter Fourteen

Britt: "So how do we stop the Earth from being destroyed?"

Marduck: "Already did."

Britt: "What? How?"

Marduck: "I'm a god! I can do whatever the bloody hell I like!"

Britt: "Oh, right."

Marduck: "All that flexing of my godly powers though left me hungry..."

Britt: "W-wait! You don't want to eat me!"

Marduck: "Are you telling me, the most important and true mythological god to exist, what to do? You're not very smart, are you?"

Britt: "Uh, you don't want to kill me because you'll need someone to go back to Earth and tell everybody how you saved them!"

Marduck: "And why do I need you to do this, mortal?"

Britt: "I'm told I'm fairly charismatic, and I can give you good PR...?"

Marduck: "I'm still listening to you, so you've got that going for you. I best send you off then."

In an instant, a large cannon appears, and from it, bindings attached to a cannonball that are now attached to Britt's ankles.

Marduck: "Alright, now just toss the ol' cannonball into the cannon and I'll fire you right off to Earth."

Britt: "What?! Can't you just wish me back to Earth?"

Marduck: "I told you, flexing my godly muscles tired me out. This is what I'm up for doing. That is, unless you want me to eat you."

Britt: "In the barrel you go, little ball!"

And with that, Marduck lights the cannon and fires Britt off into space, towards Earth.

Unfortunately, neither Marduck or Britt really understood just how far away Jupiter was from Earth -- 588 million kilometers to be exact -- and with the cannonball traveling at a rate of about 40 kilometers per hour once it escaped Jupiter's gravity, roughly placed Britt back on Earth in about the turn of the 15th century. Without Britt to say otherwise, Ares took all the credit for saving the Earth from Jupiter, after which the planet between Earth and Jupiter was named after him. The Earth-Jupiter Deity Feud started shortly after.

Needless to say, Britt once again di--er--"rested though BrittSleep" during his travels back to Earth.

Britt the Legend - Chapter Fifteen

Earth, 1430, Burgundy.

Joan of Arc: "Don't let a single one through!"

The Siege of Compiegne had been going in favour of France, inspired by the young heroine Joan d'Arc who had emerged from nowhere wielding the sword of legendary hero Charlemagne. The English, and pro-English French, had been winning battle and after battle during the French-English war that was due to last for 100 years but with the arrival of Joan the tides had turned.

Burgundy, who is pro-English, stands at the walls of Compiegne where Joan of Arc stands in defence. Victory seems assured.

But then there's a sudden blaze in the sky!

French Soldier #1: "Is it a bird!?"

French Soldier #2: "Is it a plane!?"

French Soldier #3: "No! It's-- wait, what the Hell is a plane?"

The whirling ball of fire smashes into the proud walls of Compiegne and send them tumbling down. French soldiers lie stricken and, all at once, defeat is certain and the Burgundian forces storm the castle!

Britt the Bard rolls over onto his back and snores loudly. Joan of Arc, likewise, rolls over onto her back and finds herself lying next to the sleeping man that fell from the sky.

Joan of Arc: "What kind of country hurtles sleeping men at their enemies!?"

She sits up.

Joan of Arc: "Come to think of it what kind of country has men that burst into flames and survive being thrown at a castle wall?"

The Burgundians were instantly upon Joan of Arc and she is captured. One year later she is executed - burnt at the stake as a witch - while Britt, the one responsible, continues to sleep on with very happy and wonderful dreams. *******.

The Burgundians, shocked and amazed by their saviour, believed he was an angel sent from Heaven by God Himself and they sealed Britt in a glass tomb where they believed he would one day awaken and save them all from the impending Judgement Day. His glass coffin was moved, naturally, to the heart of Christianity - Rome - where he rested for another hundred years. Being thrown through space had clearly taken its toll.

Unfortunately the Roman janitor forgot to lock the door of the tomb one day and Britt's glass coffin was nicked by a bunch of thieves during the Sack of Rome.

They would soon discover that nobody wanted to own a sleeping man - save for the occasional pervert - and they tossed the glass coffin into a ditch where it sat for several more years until Britt finally awoke from his BrittSleep.

Britt stumbled out of the ditch in a state of confusion and weariness. His legs wobbled as he eventually stood tall and looked out at the city of Rome.

Britt: "Home..."

People gave him odd looks as he went by - apparently wearing strange ceremonial white robes (that he had been dressed by in worshippers) was a bit strange.

Britt's first surprise was Christianity. Gone were the Roman Gods he knew and in was the singular God and his Son Jesus. Britt couldn't quite get his head around the whole idea, especially since he had MET the old gods, but chose to simply forget it for now. He just wanted to find something he knew and understood. The buildings he once loved, the colosseum and the temples, were mostly in ruins but as he got to the suburbs of the city he started to fix things in his mind. Finally he found HIS house.

It looked a bit different. In fact it looked COMPLETELY different. His had been a little mud hut, this was a massive three-storey house made of stone... but it was in the right place!

He burst in.

After a lot of anger, screaming and shouting, Britt was flung out of the house by the owners.

Britt: "You stole my house!"

The door slammed in his face.

Britt, in his fury, found a brick on the floor, picked it up and curled his hand back to throw it through the window.

The door suddenly burst open again.

Girl: "Britticus!"

Britt looked incredibly guilty as he froze in his impending destructive pose.

Girl: "... were you going to throw a brick through my window!?"

Britt: "Uh... no?"

He slowly lowered his arm and started to inspect the brick.

Britt: "Just... admiring it... it's a very beautiful... stone..."

Girl: "From what I know of you, I almost believe you."

Britt: "You know me?"

He tossed the brick to the ground haphazardly.

Girl: "You're - probably - my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great... great-great-great-great--"

Britt: "Uh... can you just say great to the number of?"

Girl: "Well, you're my ancestor. Probably."

Britt: "I am!?"

Girl: "My name is Adélaide Simonier."

Britt: "Simonier? Really?"

She nodded enthusiastically.

Britt: "That sounds a bit like Simonius! What a coincidence!"

Adélaide facepalmed.

Sometime later Britt is wandering through the halls of his old-new house. He admired the decoration. The people of today had far more taste than he ever had... or indeed most people of his time.

Adélaide: "I'm sorry my father threw you out. You did kind of come out of nowhere... and you look like a crazy person."

Britt: "Funny, I thought he was the crazy one."

Adélaide: "Well I'm glad you came back during MY time! You have no idea how excited to meet you I am! The family almost gave up home that you'd ever return!"

Britt: "You know, I'm still finding it a bit creepy that my family has become some kind of... Britticus Cult."

Adélaide: "We're nothing of the sort! We only keep this house, watch out for signs of your return, celebrate your birth each year, kiss portraits of you, run around the woods every summer and have rampant sex with trees and finally burn effigies of you to invoke your spirits in the slaying of our foes."

Britt:

Adélaide: "Haha! I'm just joking."

Britt: "..."

Adélaide: "Except for the burning effigies part."

Britt:

Adélaide: "You're way too easy."

Britt: "I bet your parents just adore you, don't they?"

Adélaide: "Actually they DO, cheeky! They think I'm a bright spark of light in our family!"

Britt: "Don't all parents think that?"

Adélaide: "Perhaps, but not every daughter invented so many awesome things! Come and see!"

Adélaide led Britt out into the garden, which Britt was shocked by - the entire countryside had been his garden - and taken to a long shed marked "Adél's Workshop - Keep Out or Die Painfully from a Multitude of Hazards including, but not limited to, electricity, impalement, magic, chemical warfare, bullet to the head or frenzied monkey zombies."

Britt: "I don't even understand most of what's on that sign."

Adélaide: "You will!"

She opened the door to reveal a massive workshop filled with a large collection of apparatus and junk that was haphazardly placed throughout the room. Britt stepped back outside, looked at the size of the workshop, and then entered again.

Adélaide: "I used a plot-hole event to relocate us to a much larger workshop. Awesome, huh!?"

Britt: "This is... kind of... blowing my mind."

Adélaide: "There's also a plot-hole event at the back that would take us to the family home in France!"

Britt: "France?"

Adélaide: "Couldn't you tell from my name? Our family's mostly French, we left Rome loooooooong ago. Actually Joan of Arc was dating my great-great-great-great-grand-uncle!"

Britt was suddenly struck by the image of a young woman trying to kick his sleeping form in spite as she was being dragged away by soldiers.

He shook the image from his mind.

Britt: "No idea who that is. So, do you care to explain all of this crap?"

Adélaide whipped out a pair of glasses which she popped on her face and looked up at him. Her eyes were super-enlarged and Britt jumped.

Britt: "What the Hell!?"

Adélaide: "They help me see! I can't see without my glasses! Because I'm a nerd."

Britt: "A what?"

Adélaide: "Nevermind. Actually I can see just fine. I made them for someone else. But they're neat, right? This one I call the Light Bulb. Because it's a bulb, like a flower, that emits light!"

Britt: "Now that IS impressive!"

Adélaide: "Right!? I invented it to go in my refrigerator!"

Britt: "A what?"

Adélaide: "Something that keeps food cold so it will last longer! And then I was thinking, 'Wow! What if I need to eat from the refrigerator at night!?' And so I invented the light bulb!"

Britt: "Seems like a pretty small use for something with so much potential..."

Adélaide: "HEY! Don't diss fridge! It's the most important thing in my life! It contains my snacks."

Britt: "Uh... right..."

Adélaide: "There is my helicopter. I used to study under Leonardo da Vinci and I improved upon his design. It should work. When I invent a motor for it. This here is a Nintendo. It won't work until I invent a television though. And this is a Plot-Hole gun! It's what I used to create these plot-holes for my convenience. Because I'm infinitely lazy."

Britt: "That seems like a dangerous weapon."

Adélaide: "Weapon? I sometimes use it to get to the fridge if I'm on the otherside of the workshop..."

Britt: "Right. I suppose it depends on who is using it..."

Adélaide: "And this is my current project!"

Britt: "You made a MAN!?"

Adélaide: "What? No! That's Capernicus! He's working with me on this massive model of the solar system I'm trying to create. We hypothesise that the Earth travels around the sun, not the other way around!"

Britt: "Yeah, that is true."

Capernicus: "What? How can you know this?"

Britt: "I saw it. Sometimes I woke up on my journey back to Earth and saw it. But I'd suffocate and fall asleep. I woke up a lot of times though... So I saw the Earth basically moving around the sun. And the moon around the Earth. I'd say it was beautiful, but suffocation is damned painful. Stupid Marduck."

Adélaide: "I don't really understand what you just said."

Britt: "Consider that revenge then."

Capernicus: "Thank you for confirming my understanding, Sir! I shall go and publish my work right now! Thank you Adélaide for all of your hard work!"

Adélaide used her plot-hole gun to create plot-hole for Capernicus to get back topside. She then opened another plot-hole to the fridge. She was back a moment later with two pots.

Adélaide: "I invented this food too. I call it yogurt. It keeps really well in the fridge!"

Britt: "I'm pretty overwhelmed, I have to admit. Are you going to sell these inventions?"

Adélaide: "No WAY! I don't want other people using MY refrigerator!"

Britt: "Right... and what's this?"

Britt picked up a thin, shaft-like instrument.

Adélaide: "Don't touch that!!"

Britt dropped it.

Adélaide: "That's my neuralyzer! It'll make you forget everything that happened within the last few minutes. It's made me very confused many times until I figured out what it did!"

Britt: "You mean you're inventing things without knowing what they do?"

Adélaide: "That's right! Invent first, question later! This big thing here I call the Atom Bomb!"

Britt: "What does it do?"

Adélaide: "No idea! That's the fun of it, don't you think!?"

Memory Lane - Page #40
Meanwhile, within the Hall of Heroes, Gebohq continues recounting his memories of his college times, skipping down memory lane with a child-like glee. Most everyone else had grown bored though, and went off to do their own things within the Hall of Heroes. Only Krig was nearby, still doing the occasional cartwheel in his underwear.

Suddenly--

Losien: *from down a hallway unseen* AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Startled, and worried about his sister's scream, Gebohq shoots up and runs towards the source, Krig cartwheeling behind.

When he arrives, he finds Losien looking terrified at something inside the closet in front of her. Janitor Bob is next to her, his expression grim. Purevil, Ford, and a few others are also standing nearby, having arrived at the scene like Gebohq, with the other heroes continuing to congregate.

Geb: What is it, Los?

Losien: It's Galvatron!

To most everyone's surprise, Galvatron sits bound by rope and gagged. Ford whistles innocently.

J-Bob: What I found most odd is that Galvatron seems to have been bound and gagged recently.

Ford: What? Really?

J-Bob: Yes. Not only that, but his main CPU chip from his head is missing.

Maybe: Looks like we all should start searching for Galv's CPU chip then.

Geb: But I like skipping down memory lane! Just call me if you need me or something: I have more flashbacks to remember still.

Maybe: Fine, whatever. For those of you actually interested in doing something useful, meet up with me and we'll form a search party.

Kyle: But this place is HUGE! And with lots of spooky and creepy rooms to look in, like Geb's *shudders*

MZZT: A mystery to solve, wheee!

---

Suddenly the NeS Heroes are frozen in state, the non-Hero, however, is left to roam free.

Purevil: "What the buggery is going on here?"

Chronos: "Alright lads. Book 'im."

Time Cops burst onto the scene, led by Chronos herself, and dive on Purevil.

Purevil: "Ack! Who're you guys!? What're you doing with me!?"

Past (but also future) Frank Smith: "You're nicked, kiddo. Breaking numerous time laws. Not to mention hanging around these hero-types without probable cause."

Chronos: "I'm afraid you're going away for a very long time, Purevil."

Purevil: "B-B-But--! I didn't know I was breaking the law!"

Chronos: "Ignorance is hardly an excuse, is it? Take 'im away."

Past (but also future) Frank Smith: "Come on, lad. Let's find you a nice cell-mate, shall we? There's a chap that can see time and space through his the big toe on his right foot. I think you'd like him!"

Purevil: "Nooooooooooooooo!"

Chronos: "I'll close up shop here, guys. I've got to wipe this memory from Memory Lane so we don't confuse anyone reading it. Looks like my uncle is about to lead the current narrative down his own memory lane of college."

Past (but also future) Frank Smith: "Uh... right-oh, boss. No idea what you're talking about, but right-oh!"

The Time Cops zip out of existence, taking the time-displaced Purevil with them. Explaining why he never seemed to show up after Page #40.

Chronos raises her arm to wipe out the memory when she spies several figures in the distance. Chronos trickles into invisibility, a power she rarely feels the need to use since becoming Chronos. She watches the group. Losien has gone through the memory-portal to Page #50, leaving the rest behind.

Apple: "I really don't want to do this."

Master Thand: "All of your answers lie just beyond this portal. Everything in your short characterhood has led to this moment. Your very own big reveal."

Apple: "But..."

Master Thand: "I admit that I have always groomed you in the direction that I desired, Apple. Just as I did with Amal, here. Not everyone appreciates my methods-"

Thand now glances at TLTE, briefly.

Master Thand: "-but I always have my reasons. I do not do things arbitarily. There is a path and this is yours. You will return, I'm sure, wiser and rejoin the cast of characters."

Apple looks at the other heroes, as if for the first time. She realises that she had come to accept that she had joined their group, despite initially being dead set against it. She didn't know what it would mean to be a proper character, or even if she actually would be granted that honour when she returned. But the prospect of being a part of the cast of characters suddenly seemed like an all important task. A warmth flushes through her cheeks. She nods and without another word, she turns and leaps into the gateway.

Master Thand: "Enjoy reliving old memories, Rosebud?"

Chronos frowns. Master Thand from Memory Lane had turned around to face her, Chronos, from the future - despite the invisibility. Chronos peers over Thand's shoulder to see the rest of the Heroes captivated with the memory-portal.

Chronos: "Talking to you would break a lot of laws of time, you know?"

Master Thand: "Come now, we both know those rules were meant to be broken."

Chronos: "All of this... seems so long ago."

Master Thand: "For you, I rather imagine it was. I say this rarely, as you know, but I am proud of what you became."

Chronos: "Not exactly comforting, but thank you... Master."

Master Thand: "I remember when you used to call me father..."

Chronos: "I found my real father, remember? Besides... I don't think that girl exists anymore..."

Master Thand: "And is this a good thing?"

Chronos: "Probably. I was always super naughty."

Master Thand: "Yes. Yes you were. I recall a time when you painted the walls of my study in pink and yellow..."

Chronos grins.

Chronos: "And I turned invisible for three weeks. Stealing pies that were supposed to be Amal's."

Master Thand: "When was the last time you smiled like that?"

Her face fell again.

Master Thand: "I told the truth when I said I was proud of you, Rosebud. And rarely am I sentimental... but I would be prouder if you were enjoying your existence."

Chronos: "I can't return to my old ways now, Master. I have... a responsibility."

Master Thand: "But perhaps you can heal the wounds of your past? I find that broken-hearted characters often have unresolved issues from their narrative history..."

Chronos: "Perhaps you're right. As always. I'll think on it. You should get back before someone notices you missing."

Master Thand: "Ours is a strange tale, my girl. Once I was Soriel, a young and violent murderer. You, a young and petulant cut-throat. Somehow, behind me,our destinies entwined before we were then, once again, entwined at different stages of our life-cycles. Myself, the Potential of Soriel, became the guardian of your own unPotential self, Apple. Yet, here we both now stand. Older. Yet you still have development issues. Resolve them. Complete your narrative."

Chronos: "I imagine you're completing yours as we speak?"

Master Thand: "I have my schemes, girl. Then again, being the keeper of time, perhaps you already know them and the end result?"

Chronos taps her nose.

Chronos: "Even you can't get that information out of me."

She takes a step back.

Chronos: "Goodbye. Dad."

She blossoms in a golden shower of light as she exists Memory Lane and forces herself through time. She reappears back in the TEA HQ and slumps down in her seat.

The irony of an assassin and thief becoming the Head of the Time Enforcement Agency is laughable. How did this even happen?

She whips out her future GameBoy, the name of which I'm far too lazy to make-up, and begins to play some future iteration of Pokémon, which, of course, is a game that will last forever. She does this to think, take her mind away and separate it from the real world around her. She chews her lip in contemplation.

Chronos: "Stupid Gengar..."

Voice: "Don't even think about doing it."

Chronos slowly turns to see... herself.

Far-Far-FAR Future Chronos: "Obviously, you know I wouldn't be here unless I absolutely had to be. And I'm telling you... do NOT go there and do what you're thinking of doing. It'll end up an absolute mess and get you into a heap of trouble."

Chronos: "...but if you're warning me then I can change the future, right? This heap of trouble can be averted?"

Far-Far-FAR Future Chronos: "Instead of plotting some way of getting out of trouble because of you're stupid actions, just don't DO the stupid action!"

Chronos: "Thanks for the heads-up future me!"

Far-Far-FAR Future Chronos: "I get the feeling things are going to work out exactly the same..."

Chronos: "Give me SOME credit, c'mon! Get out of here before I arrest you for breaking a multitude of time laws."

A dazzling light and she is gone, leaving Chronos to contemplate her own scheme. She clearly learnt her plotting-skills from Arkng Thand and never really managed to shake them. Though Thand tended not to play Pokémon to scheme to. He preferred Pacman. She bashes a button on her desk, summoning Frank Smith.

Enter Frank Smith - NeS2 Page #41, NeS2 Post #1609

Mysterious Person: "Welcome back, Agent Smith."

Frank Smith, Time Cop, stands before a shadowy figure; the Head of TEA. Frank is a 40-year old man looking a little rough around the edges, a little grey and a few crags in his face. But he's fit, strong and healthy and, above all, good at his job.

Mysterious Person: "I was impressed with your actions during that last time rift. A difficult situation but you got it resolved. Even if you did have to pick them up one-by-one."

The Mysterious Person is sat in oh-so-convenient shadows to hide their face. Their face is computerised, but advanced enough to almost sound real - within that uncanny valley. The life and history of the Mysterious Person has never been revealed to any Time Cop.

Frank Smith: "I'm just sorry I couldn't have done better, Sir. That Arena situation was a real mess, craziness everywhere. God knows where they all came from."

Mysterious Person: "Careful, Agent Smith. You don't want to attract any undue attention from He Who Must Not Have His Name Taken in Vain."

Frank Smith: "That's a bit of a mouthful, Sir."

Mysterious Person: "That's what she said!! Ha! Zing!!!"

Frank Smith: "..."

Mysterious Person: "Oh. You're gay, right? So... that's what HE said?"

Frank Smith:

Mysterious Person: "No? Not cool?"

Frank Smith: "Sir, for a mysterious, ominous, shadowy dude you're kind of a jerk."

Mysterious Person: "Yeah... that's what living over a thousand years does to you."

Frank Smith:"Good God! You're a thousand years old!?"

Mysterious Person: "Ack! Agent Smith. Don't say HWMNHHNTiV!"

Frank Smith: "Did you really just use that abbreviation, Sir? How are you qualified to be the Head of this organisation again?"

Mysterious Person: "Because I'm stupidly old. Anyway, doesn't matter. Let's get on with this. You've got a new job! Happy!?"

Frank Smith: "Well... yeah. Weird question."

Mysterious Person: "Look, word around the TEA is that you're having a mid-life crisis. So I thought this would give you something to focus on. A bit of detective work, you know?"

Frank Smith: "I'm not having a mid-life crisis!"

Mysterious Person: "You left your husband and ran off with a lad twenty years younger than you."

Frank Smith: "So!? That's my personal life!"

Mysterious Person: "You bought a motorbike."

Frank Smith: "Motorbike's are cool!"

Mysterious Person: "At forty?"

Frank Smith: "... Damn."

Mysterious Person: "So, let's get you your mojo back! You're to travel 1000 years into the past. We have a bit of a situation with a time-warp entity."

Frank Smith: "Ah. Someone outside of time? Do you want me to return them to their own time or bring them back here?"

Mysterious Person: "It's a special case, Agent Smith. Bring them back here."

Frank Smith: "Any information on the target?"

Mysterious Person: "I'm afraid not. That'd be too easy for you then."

Frank Smith: "... You mean you're not going to tell me?"

Mysterious Person: "That's right! I want you to really be geared u after this mission. Back on track, you know?"

Frank Smith: "... and what happens if I don't get... back on track?"

Mysterious Person: "Your new boytoy likes having his sugar daddy wealthy, right?"

Frank Smith: "Right. Understood. I'll get this done and prove my head's in the right place."

Mysterious Person: "Brilliant. See you in a few seconds, Agent Smith!"

By that, of course, the Mysterious Person actually meant seconds for his time, but not the time for Frank -- which could take weeks.

Mysterious Person: "I'm pretty sure the readers could understand that for themselves, Narrator!"

What the--!? Even newbie shadow characters get to talk back to me now!? There's just no respect for Narrators these days...

Mysterious Person: "There's more than one? You mean we have a choice of Narrator!?"

Moving on--

Agent Frank Smith, Time Cop, sat in the roller coaster machine and pressed a few buttons. The machine belches a lot of steam before it slowly starts to move forward a couple of inches. Then, suddenly, it bursts forward at such a speed it was gone in an instant. The only trace was a loud groaning noise that fades in and out until silence finally fills the Time Room.

Mysterious Person: "Alright... back to playing Pokémon Genesis X568 Infinite Colours."

Chronos chews her lip as she plays, her indecision climaxing within her head.

Britt the Legend: Chapter Sixteen

Adélaide: "And this! This is my ultimate invention! I call it-- an umbrella! It keeps you dry in the rain! I am such a GENIUS!"

Britt: "Yes. Yes you are. I hope you're planning to make a lot of money from all of this."

Adélaide fires her plot-hole gun and steps through it to reach the other side of the small space.

Britt: "How did you get so lazy? You really shouldn't keep using that thing. I really get a strong feeling that it's going to end badly if you do."

Adélaide: "You really worry far too much, dear Britt! I'm far too much of a genius for something to go so drastically wrong!"

Britt: "Don't do it! Don't fire that gun after stating those exact words!"

Adélaide sighs and shakes her head with amusement. She fires the gun.

There's a horrible warping noise that suddenly grinds within their heads. Britt would have said "I told you so" but he was too busy crying out in agony. The world began to shake violently, yet nothing was falling over. It was like he was in a painting that was being shook.

Then everything fell still. With the sudden stop he felt like he would throw up.

Adélaide: "There. See? We're fine! Nothing bad happened!"

Britt: "If you ever do that again, Adélaide, I'll disown you."

Adélaide: "That's not very nice. I-- Who's that?"

Britt and Adélaide stood over an unconscious woman robed in black. Her hair was also black but with shocks of bright red streaking through it in a fashion well beyond the time period.

She opened her eyes and there, within the orbs, was another world. Another world that was constantly shaking just like theirs had when this woman arrived.

Chronos: "I really should have listened to my Far-Far-FAR Future Self... At least I sent Frank Smith to meet my father. Outside of events, he'll be able to get me out of this mess... eventually..."