Losien Simon
Losien is the Main Character of the NeS and has a strong-mind and strong-will, yet she constantly feels unworthy of her mantle and her leadership of the group is often called into question - forcing her to act on her own when others don't agree with her choices. Her façade of bravery may be a mask to hide her true cowardice running towards death to escape dealing with the problems of her life. She wields Fred, Teh Uber Blade and wears Carlotta the Cape - both of which are sentient and able to communicate with Losien through her mind. She has also been somewhat detached from her soul, which is often either trailing behind her or leading her forward through the narrative. Her Potential is Gwenhwyfar.

Evil G
Evil G, who is sometimes known as Gebiyl, is an alternate dimension version of Gebohq Simon where he was a major Powerplayer of the NeShattered. However his cruel heart melted when he fell in love, and married, Young. He had to escape the confines of his own universe to escape the Ever-ending Plot which consumed it. He joined the NeS Heroes to be close to his wife, Young, and help raise his child, Chance. He is generally the anti-hero of the NeS Heroes and often has darker methods of dealing with situations than others would like. He also finds most of the NeS Heroes incredibly annoying as he's often smarter and, in some ways, more sensible then the rest. Yet he enjoys winding them all up with insults and sarcasm to entertain himself. Despite all of this, he is one of the few that is truly aware of what is to come. He carries his own NeShattered NeSword. His own Potential was killed many Story Arcs ago.

Tracer
Tracer was a Man of Mystery and wandered around in his own detective novel. A mixture of Dick Tracy, James Bond and Neo from The Matrix, Tracer was often an ominous presence in the NeS Heroes' shadow, or a goofy loony bin narrating himself. However when he stepped through a shattered dimensional portal he shattered himself into pieces - pieces of Tracer from across the multiverse. Now Tracer is irregularly transitioning between different versions of Tracer from across the Multiverse, ranging from Sherlock-Tracer to Child-Tracer. MZZT believes that Tracer will be lost the longer he remains a part of this "ShatteredTracer" as the dimensional timelines diverge. Tracer's Potential is The Orator.

Amal
Amal is the adoptive nephew of Arkng Thand and then his care-taker switched to TLTE. Amal, however, went through a sudden growth spurt and is now a young man and potentially the future Main Character of the NeS. He is an eager learner and often understands more of the situation than most would believe, especially after learning much from Soriel. He is quite the heroic type, but does have a much darker streak that he likely learnt from TLTE. A hero that will do what he must. Amal wields a copy of the NeSword, given to him by Gebohq Simon. Amal's Potential, Qho Anima, was recently killed by TLTE.

Iriana Emp
Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. She has recently become reacquainted with her father, Al Ciao, and they have many issues that they need to work out. His arrival has caused Iriana to doubt herself and long to understand who she truly is, particularly now that she is no longer involved with Couchman. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea. Her Potential is Nyktelios.

Miss Fire
A long-time NeS Hero, Miss Fire was fatally wounded during a fight in a previous Story Arc and thus put into a stasis chamber that would keep her in state. When the Haunted Hall of Heroes was burnt down by the NeSferatu, the NeS Heroes had to save her pod from destruction. Finally she has been revived by Mecha Lou, a techno-witch, who gave her a cybernetic heart to help her live. The new heart runs on the mains and she must recharge from a power outlet when her energy runs low. She can supercharge herself to give herself a major adrenaline rush.

Polly Simon
Sometimes known as "Geb's Mom" or "Los' Mom", Polly Simon recently mingled with the NeS Heroes because she wants her daughter, Losien, to rise up and become the Queen of Jupiter. This would, however, mean she'd be frozen in carbonite for 500 years. Polly used a wish from Baba Yaga to grant her eternal youth and now appears the same age as her own daughter. When Losien refused, Polly tried to force Apple to take the throne instead, Losien's daughter, however Apple has since become Chronos and beyond such things - leaving Polly with only Losien as an option again. Polly succeeded in having Baba grant one last wish - a wish that Losien would stop loving TLTE. Baba Yaga revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes he loves Losien, it is not true love. Polly does not seem to have a Potential, possibly due to her use of Baba Yaga's wish.

Gwenhwyfar
The Potential of Losien Simon, Gwenhwyfar is a knight with a cataphract horse as her mount. She wields and overly large sword and, unlike her unPotential, is usually stern, strict and direct. Her motivations are unusual but she seems to harbour a grudge against the unPotentials and a strange envy for Losien herself. Despite once trying to destroy Losien, Gwen suddenly came around and saved her unPotential from certain death. Now she aids the NeS Heroes, already accepted by them regardless of their past. It is unclear if Gwen believes herself a NeS Heroes, but her new team mates certainly do.

Al Ciao
Al Ciao is often the goofy comic-relief for the NeS Heroes, yet he has the darkest and most elaborate history as Highemperor. Although most characters see Al Ciao as a goofball, he is also father to Iriana Emp, Lucy, an alien-thingy and now Lior, the child of his wife Verrine(Lady LightSide). However he also died sometime ago and was brought back to life in his new cyborg body by Mecha Lou. Now with his mechanoid body he is able to perform an array of awesome cyborg techniques and attacks. Mostly Al Ciao is trying to keep his "family" together, make amends with his daughter and now raise Lior with his wife. His Potential was killed by Antestarr many Story Arcs ago.

Subaru
Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she felt, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Yet she accepted him still until he eventually turned her away and left the NeS Heroes to start turning people into NeSferatu and forming an army - along with Nyneve, the woman that turned him. Subaru is feeling emotionally fragile and hurt. She knows that Antestarr wants to turn Subaru into a NeSferatu, but she does not want to become like him. Although fragile, she is still head-headed, over-confident and brash on all other things. Her Potential is Orochi.

Frank Smith
he Time Cop from the future was sent back in time to deal with a series of time anomalies that led him to the character Apple of the NeS Heroes. However Apple would later turn out to be Chronos in the future, and head of the Time Enforcement Agency (TEA). Turns out she sent him back in time to purposefully lead to her own existence and, probably, to eventually save herself from her own mistakes. Frank is a confident, hero-type but he tends to get himself into a lot of trouble due to his over-confidence. He is also likely experiencing a mid-life crisis and had a dalliance with a much younger man. Frank has a watch that allows him to open a time vortex and transport himself, and anyone touching him, through time and space. The watch's A.I. is called CynthAI Mk XIV, however a second A.I. has also been installed into the watch known as CaptAIn and is, in fact, the personality of Captain Cadpill. Frank killed his own Potential to save Losien Simon and the others from a Potential attack.

Current Cast of Heroes: Elsewhere (for now)

With Emperor Pi at his residence
Emperor Pi
The secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much. He cares a great deal for his daughter and his recent involvement in the NeS has largely been focused on trying to keep her safe and support her through her romantic troubles with her lover, Gebohq. He has also proven to be quite enigmatic in his approach towards characters that are not his daughter, especially Al Ciao and Britt. He long ago achieved his Potential, as the Jade Emperor of China.

Verrine (Lady LightSide)
Once the Fallen Angel Verrine, she was consumed by her forever lover Marcus and he transformed into DarkSide. However her presence was buried deep within as the counter "LightSide". The events of Memory Lane Story Arc brought this old soul back to the surface of DarkSide and she not only married Al Ciao but got pregnant. When she gave birth, DarkSide was, once again, unleashed but LightSide survived and now the two entities are split and she joins her husband their new child, Lior. She is often a reasonable voice and is definitely a controlling influence upon Al Ciao, encouraging him in positive ways and keeping his idiocy in check.

Rachel Pi
Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the potential of April Fools' Day. Rachel is now pregnant with Gebohq's child, but seems somewhat conflicted on the issue as her and Geb's relationship has been rather bumpy recently. Her father, Emperor Pi, is also hanging around after it was revealed that he had long ago evolved into his Potential. Rachel herself has been revealed to be her own Potential.


---

Outside the Magium
Mimiru
Mimiru is probably the wealthiest NeS Hero to exist, possessing a lot of money but also a lot of sense. She's smart and methodical and can sometimes find the stupidity of her team mates either grating or endearing. She is fast and skilled in combat, and while she is learning magic from her husband, Cool Matty, she has very little skill in the subject and is not a natural with magic. She put her own quest, to find her missing family, when she married Cool Matty.

Cool Matty
Cool Matty, otherwise known as Tsukasa, is one of the NeS Hero's most competent magic-wielders. He is married to Mimiru and tries to teach her magic, but she has no latent skill with the subject. He focuses on magical currents throughout the NeS and often acts on his own vendettas rather than abiding by the consensus of the team.

Other Major Characters: Various Groups

The Cult of X
The Cult of X are a group dedicated to the Plot. To this end varying leaders have either followed the Ever-ending Plot, or rejected it. However the group, under Aetas X, found a secondary objective - Britt, the Sleeper. Britt, however, was killed by Antestarr. He resurrected himself through Antestarr and eventually took the body of a clone (of Aetas X, who's clone is always the Seer for he cult) and made himself the Seer for the Cult of X as Brittica X. Members of the cult always end with "X" and includes long-term NeS Hero, Rob X.

• Antestarr
• Brittica X
• Rob X
• The Cult of X - Including Maxim X, Cygnus X.

---

France
Nyneve, once last of the NeSferatu, has become the Emperor of France and a bid to prepare against the impending arrival of the Eep. However this is also the return of her kind and she has not only the Emperor of France, but of the NeSferatu too. She is aided by two Potentials, Midas and Orochi, who want to stop the Eep. Young is a captive of Nyneve still.

• Nyneve
• Orochi
• Midas
• Young

---

Great Britain
Maeve became the Queen of Britain and, when she did so, established the Remembered Forces, from the former Forgotten Forces. They now use Britain as their HQ for operations across the world, liberating the Forgotten and preparing for the impending Eep.

• Queen Maeve
• Couchman
• Twin Suns (Kern)
• The Remembered Forces-includes Sran Cadpill, The Otter, Voodoo Snowflakes, Ping, etc

---

The U.S.A.

In an unexpected move, Arkng Thand became the President of the USA and is intent on controlling the populace through mass media and his henchman, Thrawn42689. However Thand usually spends his time reading Britt: The Legend for insight and hasn't revealed his true motivations.

• Arkng Thand
• Thrawn42689

---

Hands of the NeS
Having defeated Mayaal, Venedite, a Potential, became the new Hand of the NeS. However Bhac kept Mayaal secretly chained up in the l33t. Only when the villains disappeared did Mayaal become free and joined Venedite despite their past. Gebohq recently took the mantle as the other Hand of NeS.

• Venedite
• Gebohq
• Mayaal
• Bhac Ssylan

---

Heaven & Hell
Mr Nine, the current ruler of Hell, has returned and seeks to prepare for the coming of the Eep. Jim7 seems more concerned with his go-karting as God, however he has recently resurrected The Patriot as God's Advocate.

• Mr Nine
• Jim7

---

Independent Characters
Discarded by his love, Losien, TLTE is seeking is ultimate destiny as the true ultimate evil of the NeS and has broken several Seals thus far. He recently killed Qho Anima, the Potential of Amal. The Patriot has recently been resurrected and seeks his old team mates, Hero Force One, but they are unavailable. However he is the oldest rival to TLTE and his return right now may be part of destiny's weave. Ares and Athena, two Greek Gods, have currently got the NeS Heroes and all of the villains within the newly built Colosseum in Rome becoming to Athena and evidently intend to stage something epic for the paying audiences. MZZT is often available for tech support back at the old HoH, where the heroes often find themselves returning. He is also taking care of Chance and the ghosts from the now burnt down HHH are with him.

• TLTE
• Ares
• Athena
• MZZT

Britt: The Legend - 44.1

Many Sleeps later.

It is May, 1861 and Britt was visiting Bath, England. He walked the length of the pump-room, spotting several distinguished persons of note. But really Bath was for young gentlemen and ladies to parade themselves, dance and live gaily for a few weeks before returning to their true abodes either in the country or in London.

Britt had come to take possession of an old cottage north of Bath, though still within Somerset. He also owned a townhouse in London but he rarely used it except for business. He was able to wear much of his favourite Discharding outfits, tops hats and long coats in Winter, which pleased him greatly. He had to leave some of his more unusual steampunk gear in his apartments, but he was adamant that he got to smoke on his bronze and wooden pipe, producing it brilliantly coloured smoke. Most considered him eccentric but fascinating and an object of constant curiosity.

Dorian Gray: "Well, if it isn't Britt."

Britt: "Dorian. I'm surprised you're still in town! Has the last London brothel finally thrown you out?"

Dorian Gray: "That'd be the day. Those places are only open by my good graces, I swear."

Britt: "I can believe it. Dare I ask what creature has caught your eye this evening?"

Dorian Gray: "Well, there was one darling boy I saw come quivering in earlier, but he was so attached to his mother I thought him still suckling at the teet!"

Britt: "I'd have thought that would make you long for him more? Mother and all!"

Dorian Gray tilted his head back and laughed heartily.

Dorian Gray: "You know me far too well, my friend. If only I could entice you into my chamber, I think my life would be complete."

Britt: "You're only friends with me because I haven't slept with you."

Dorian Gray: "Well, that and the fact we share a common... curse. As some would call it."

Dorian Gray winked at his friend of the last twenty years. Neither of them had aged, unlike the world around them, and both were considered enigmas by those around them. Fortunately Bath's society had such a changing face that it was as forever new and youthful as the two strange gentlemen's. With them being indoors, their hats and coats had been left at the door, and so they wore their black blazers and silk scarves for show. Britt always liked to wear a silver scarf, while Dorian Gray insisted on white.

Some of the young people in the room have gotten up to dance and Britt was considering which wallflower he ought to select when he is called for by a dashing blonde woman. She is middle-aged but had managed to retain the complexion of youth. She wore a dress of navy blue and white frills, while her blonde hair was tied up into a bunch at the back of her head, then the curls allowed to tumble down. Her skin was especially pale, a coveted colour for the time, and her fan and purse were specially chosen to match her dress. She saved at the two men and the obliged.

Lottie Simon: "My dear Britt. You and Mr Gray should really come and meet my dear cousin. I'm certain you'll love to hear some of his stories, Britt. I know how you like a good yarn."

Britt: "Lottie, dear. Must you introduce me to every single person in Bath?"

Lottie Simon: "Come now, my dear Britt. You know you always enjoy meeting the people I introduce you to!"

He couldn't deny he usually did. Lottie Simon seemed to have a keen eye for remarkable people. The fact that she was only now introducing him to one of her cousins was especially surprising. He had met Lottie as soon as he had entered Bath, her adding Britt to her list of very interesting people. She was one of the few that actually lived in the city and one of the few that knew he was no ordinary man. She had proceeded down a Victorian horror-like path of discovery to uncover the truth of his longevity and his heritage and their being related. That was when she had been but a girl. Now a woman, married and widowed, she had become mistress of the town and she was one of the most loved and well-connected people in the entire city. She wasn't friends with Dorian Gray, however. She didn't like his roaming in and out of beds. Yet she tolerated him because he was her dear Britt's friend.

She marched across the pump-room to a table where four people sat. Two men, two women. Both married couples, Britt was certain.

Lottie Simon: "I'd like to introduce you to my dear cousin Baron Erro Simon and his wife Lady Eleanor. And here are Lord Randolph Churchill and his wife Lady Jeanette Jerome."

Britt shook the hands of the two men and kissed the hands of the two women. Dorian Gray followed suit.

Lottie Simon: "And this is my dear friend Baron Britt le Fey and his friend Dorian Gray."

Britt and Dorian moved to sit and, as they did, Jeanette Jerome Churchill spoke up.

Lady Churchill: "I've heard your names before. Seems you both have quite a reputation."

Britt: "All lies I assure you. Unless it's a positive reputation then it's absolutely true."

Dorian Gray: "In my case, the opposite is true. If it's a bad reputation, it's probably true."

They all had a good chuckle, but Britt was certain that was actually the truth of the matter.

Britt: "Sounds like you're not from these parts Lady Churchill."

Lady Churchill: "I'm from New York, Baron le Fey. Have you ever visited the United States, Sir?"

Britt: "I have indeed. But the land was quite... different when I last visited. It was a very long time ago."

Lady Churchill: "Such a long time was it? Seems like Lady Simon isn't the only one blessed with eternal youth!"

Britt and Lottie Simon smirked in their mutual knowledge of the truth.

Dorian Gray: "But pray tell, Baron Simon, where your barony might be? I've never heard of a place called Simon before."

Baron Simon: "It's a small land near Oxford. It's not a place most would notice. I keep my lands fairly free of modernisation. Open fields of green and a copse of woodland is all I need to be happy."

Lottie Simon: "I a terribly old castle."

Baron Simon: "Well, I keep it maintained and it serves me well."

Dorian Gray: "An ancient castle so close to London? Who would have thought such a thing existed!"

Britt: "It's like someone didn't have the good sense to do a bit of research before plonking the thing there, eh?"

Cont.

Lottie Simon: "It truly is a grand old thing."

She eyed her cousin, waiting for him to pick up the prompt. He didn't. Fortunately his wife did.

Eleanor Simon: "You should really visit us sometime! You and Lottie together!"

Once again he was being forced into some kind of picnic he'd never agreed to but, like all Victorians, he had to smile and nod in thanks for the invitation.

Dorian Gray: "And how did you all meet, if you don't mind my asking?"

The two couples glanced suspiciously at each other. So obvious was their sudden reaction, yet instantly smoothed over, it made Britt's hair stand on end. What were his descendants getting themselves into this time?

Lord Churchill: "Our families have long been acquainted. Why I practically grew up with Erro as boys. And I remember fair Lottie was she was a young woman. We boys used to look up to her as the pinnacle of a woman's beauty. I daresay she was the example we all followed."

Lottie Simon: "Is that the past tense I hear?"

She mockingly flirted.

Lord Churchill: "And if my wife weren't present I'd say she still leads the way as most beauteous woman in all the land! Alas my wife is present and is therefore to be called the most wonderful creature. At least until she departs for the women's toilet. Then I may be more honest."

Lady Churchill: "And my dear husband shall be sleeping in the dog's kennel tonight, methinks."

Lord Churchill: "Oh no. I have offended!"

Everyone had a good chuckle. Jeanette Jerome Churchill was a beautiful woman herself and evidently one for jokes, along with her husband. Britt, however, felt that Lottie was, in many ways, a superior kind of beauty. He wasn't quite sure what it was that he liked about Lottie, but there was something mesmerising in her charms.

Dorian Gray: "I daresay this table is filled with beauteous men and women. So much as to make other tables positively agasp with envy."

Britt rolled his eyes while the others of the table were shocked by Dorian's bold proclamation.

And so time passed. Many weeks in fact. Until Lottie came by his lodgings in Bath and he was reminded of his trip to Castle Simon in the Barony of Simon. He went with her in an open carriage along the roads of Bath. Dorian Gray, whom Britt was sure hadn't been invited specifically by Lady Simon, joined them. Another carriage was then brought up behind them containing Lord and Lady Churchill, who were to join them. Britt was suddenly weary of joining an entourage of people destined for the old castle. Along quiet roads and through small towns. Britt, Dorian and Lottie made idle chitchat though Dorian attempted to flirt profusely with the lady. Despite his devilishly handsome looks and his incredible charm, Dorian wasn't able to win over Lottie Simon. That, Britt considered, to be a first and probably an admirably trait all by itself.

Britt looked up at the grand old castle as it came into view. It wasn't the biggest or the most grand, but it certainly seemed to be the oldest in England. Moss was growing around the thickest turret and crawled down its walls to the archer-slit windows. The great portcullis looked rusted to the spot and the old moat was thriving with fish, insects and water weeds. The carriages went over the bridge and settled inside the courtyard where Baron Simon greeted his guests. With the Baron was a boy.

Baron Simon: "This is my son. Erro II."

Britt: "Only the second? I'm almost surprised he's not the tenth or the fifteenth."

Baron Simon: "My father was unfortunately named Jopsweedfin. Fortunately my mother refused to allow me to be named so hideously and so I'm Erro."

Britt: "That does sound like a near brush with humiliation. Thank goodness for us all that your mother had sense. Saying Jopsweedfin every few minutes would have found me irritable to say the least."

Erro II: "Do you know how to use a sword?"

Britt looked down at the boy.

Britt: "Not really. I could attack a tree or two though."

Dorian Gray: "I, on the other hand, am a master swordsman, my boy. I go duelling every day."

Britt: "Wrong sword and wrong kind of duelling."

Dorian Gray: "Oh hush you. Ruin all my fun."

Britt: "He's a little boy."

Dorian Gray: "For now. I want to leave a good impression for when he's older!"

Britt: "His creepy uncle Dorian?"

Dorian Gray: "Turns me on when you say it like that, dear Britt. Are you sure you don't want to keep me warm this evening?"

Britt: "I'd rather be mauled by a badger."

Dorian Gray: "That could probably happen in this dreary place. I'm surprised the sky hasn't opened up with rain just over this castle and this castle alone."

As they entered a servant took their hats and coats.

Britt: "Great. I haven't had a good servant in a long time."

Dorian Gray: "I had one just yesterday."

He winked at the man. The man, well-versed in his craft, rose an eyebrow but then wandered off with their garments. Another set of men went for their luggage. They were shown first to their rooms to freshen up. When Britt entered he found his room was in the turret and had the unusual pleasure of a circular bedroom. The four-poster bed occupied much of the room, but there was still room for a grand old wardrobe, a writing desk and several other assorted pieces of furniture that complimented the gothic look of the place. He had just changed into his dinner jacket when there was a knock at the door.

Britt: "You may enter."

Britt looked up, expecting a servant, but found himself addressed by Lottie. She smiled expectantly at him. Expecting what he couldn't guess.

Britt: "Quite a mess you've gotten me into this time, Lottie."

Lottie Simon: "You love the mess, dear Britt. Don't deny that you do. I know it. You always perk up when things aren't going your way."

Britt: "You mistake perkiness for alertness."

Lottie Simon grinned and closed the door behind her. She sauntered over to his bed.

Lottie Simon: "These beds are marvellous, are they not? Quite unlike those modern apartments in Bath."

Britt: "Indeed."

She sat on his bed. He found her behaviour unusual. Or rather exceedingly unusual for her. Then she lay back in a most suggestive posture. From other women he might have appreciated her sudden openness. From his descendent, not so much.

Britt: "What're you doing, Lottie!?"

She giggled.

Lottie Simon: "Come now, my dear. Isn't it time we stopped with the distance and settled this once and for all?"

Britt: "Settled what?"

Lottie Simon: "I am a widow in want of a husband. You are a bachelor in need of a wife."

Britt: "I am?"

Lottie Simon: "You are. And I am just your kind of woman. As you can see."

She allowed the loosened drape of her dress fall from her shoulder to reveal the pale skin of her bosom. Britt's mouth ran dry.

Britt: "You're my relation, Lottie..."

Lottie Simon: "Are you more a relation than my cousin Erro? You know we were set to be married at one time. Our parents had it all arranged in their minds. Then he met his darling Eleanor. If I may marry Erro then why not you?"

Britt: "Because..."

She reached up and pulled him down on top of her.

Lottie Simon: "I would have you marry me, Britt le Fey."

Britt: "You know le Fey isn't really my name, right?"

Lottie Simon: "Of course I do. But it sounds good. Now shut up and kiss me."

After a pleasurably vacation at Castle Simon, Britt and Lottie would later be married. The first time Britt had ever done so. He wasn't sure he was in true love with Lottie but he did care for her and enjoyed her company. She proved to be a corner-piece to his life that he'd always been missing.

Britt: The Legend - Chapter 44.3

1907, Bath.

Their apartment was lavishly furnished, the bed very large and extremely comfortable. That was top of Britt's demands when he brought his wife back to the springs of Bath. He hoped to see some colour return to her cheeks. While colour didn't return, her spirits seemed to. He ran his fingers down her face. Each line set into her skin was invisible to him. He still saw her young and pretty.

As he had held her, he had felt her last breath.

She was then still. Peaceful and quiet. Sleeping forever now.

He wished he had fallen into Sleep. The chance to avoid this pain would have been welcome. If he had awoken to learn of her death, it would have been easier to deal with. Distance himself from this moment. But he didn't Sleep. She slept.

The doctor came in solemnly. He checked for her pulse. A formality. They all expected it. Only Britt had clung to the hope that she'd somehow live on and on. He still wasn't sure he felt true love, but whatever he felt now it hurt. Hurt a lot.

He kissed her lips. Just one last time.

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Forty-Five

1919, New Zealand.

Asa Simon: "Welcome to my super secret bunker, Britt old bean."

Britt removed his cap as he entered the bunker, stepping lightly down the short set of stairs and into the bunker proper. The walls, the stairs, everything was was pasty, fresh coat of cement. Other military officers saluted Britt and Asa as they marched by.

Britt: "Well, it's certainly pretty, Asa. But I don't see anything special about it."

Asa Simon, now in his forties, was straight-backed and neat. The military tended to have that effect on men that survived through the Great War. Britt, likewise, had become something greater than his former self. He was sterner, more professional. Perhaps it was just the uniform.

Asa led Britt through the bunker, introducing Britt to various officers on their way through, until they reached a particular room that Asa led his old friend into. Britt admired the hardware on show. Although aesthetically it all fit with the era, he was sure the technology on the innards was well beyond what he guessed they ought to be using.

Britt: "You've invented the office space. Congratulations."

A woman approached the two men and saluted.

Woman: "Major-General Le Fey, General Simon. Thank you for coming."

Britt couldn't help but admire the woman's beauty. There was always something about a woman in uniform...

Asa Simon: "Britt, my daughter Soolian."

Britt rolled his eyes.

Britt: "I should have neutered myself."

Soolian Simon: "Uh... I'm sorry Sir?"

Asa Simon: "Ignore him. He's getting bitter in his old age."

Soolian Simon: "... old?"

Asa Simon: "Captain Simon--"

She instantly stood to attention.

Asa Simon: "--Please show us the Spear."

Soolian Simon: "We're calling it the Rocket, Sir."

Asa tutted.

Asa Simon: "The Spear was a perfectly good name for it! Rocket. That's not half as manly."

Britt: "You built a rocket?"

Soolian gasped.

Asa Simon: "Don't worry, dear. He just knows things."

Behind the computers, shutters retracted to reveal a huge cylindrical room with a large metal shaft pointed at the sky, looming up out of the chamber.

Britt: "It's a bit small."

Asa Simon: "That's a big as we could build the bloody thing!"

Britt: "Why're you wasting money on this anyway? It is a space rocket, right?"

Soolian Simon: "Indeed it is, Sir! We've already sent it up a few times and done a spot of exploration of the local systems. You'll never guess what we found!"

Britt: "Aliens."

Soolian gasped again.

Britt: "I'm not getting in it."

Asa Simon: "Why would I get you to go in it?"

Britt: "Your predecessor made me get into his rocket. Actually he'd be your grandson. Predecessor in my timeline."

Asa Simon: "I'm going to selectively not hear what you just said because I don't understand what you're blathering about. Again."

Soolian Simon: "Maybe I should explain what we're up to? This rocket has been armed."

Britt: "You're kidding me? What for!?"

Soolian Simon: "To shoot some damn aliens!"

Britt: "Jupiterians?"

Soolian Simon: "No. Martians!"

Britt: "Oh... those Salmitton people..."

Soolian Simon: "I don't know what a Salmitton is, but the Martians seem to come in a few different races. So maybe Salmitton is a race of Martian. Either way, they're all the same really. They've been attacking us."

Britt: "I was attacked by one once."

Soolian Simon: "Really!? I don't remember your name on the list of colonists!"

Asa Simon: "Move on, Captain."

Soolian Simon: "Uh... right. Well this rocket is armed with a laser canon!"

Asa Simon: "You were supposed to call it a crossbolt! I never get my way around these eggheads, Britt. They just do as they bloody please."

Soolian Simon: "Father, I am not an egghead."

Asa Simon: "It's fine my dear. I like you being down here. Keeps my little girl safe and sound. Now if you brother were down here, I'd tell him to grow some hair on his chest and act like a man! Science. Women's work."

The male officers in the room gave sour looks at the General but resumed their work when he glanced in their direction.

Britt: "So you tried to colonise Mars and the Martians attacked you?"

Soolian: "Exactly right, Sir! There was a whole patch of the planet unused and it was perfectly habitable by humans. So we started a colony there. At first things went well, we traded with the natives and it seemed all was good! But then some of the groups decided to attack our colony. Burnt it to the ground and killed most of the civilians. Innocent people, Sir. Butchered."

Britt: "That sounds awful."

Soolian: "Now it's time for retribution. This is our main attack rocket. That laser I told you about can level an entire building in one. But the natives have aeroplanes to fend off the rocket. So, if you'd care to view the monitor..."

Britt did as told.

Britt: "That's... kind of awesome."

----------

Several months later Britt was flying a sopwith camel (an old World War I plane). Only he was flying it through space. The planes had all attached to the rocket via great "wings" that had been mounted onto the rocket. The large craft ferried the smaller ships through space in a matter of hours, using jump technology bought from a travelling Espa-ñol salesman. The rocket came out of warp above the planet Mars and the planes detached. Around each plane was a forcefield protecting them both from damage and from the vacuum of space. Britt, now transferred to the RAF, guided the rest of his squadron towards the planet's atmosphere.

Britt: "Twilight Squadron, roll call."

Twilight Squad Pilot #2: "I thought we were going with Rogue Squadron?"

Twilight Squad Pilot #3: "We're from an Empire, you berk! We go with an Imperial Squadron name! Uh, not that I know what I'm talking about."

After the bickering drew to an end, the squadron pilots finally got through their roll call. As the last pilot sounded his name, the planes broke through the atmosphere - the flames rushing wildly against their shield. Britt didn't even feel the heat. When the flames subsided and the clouds passed by, Britt got to look at the landscape below. It looked much like Earth to him, certainly not as exotic as Jupiter. He didn't have much time to admire the scene though. An enemy squadron was soon inbound, likely out on patrol of the skies. There'd be more squads to follow.

Britt: "Lock S-foils in attack position."

Surprisingly, the horizontal wings of the sopwith camels then bent to form an X shape on each plane.

Britt: "Wait for them to get close and use quad fire. Mark your targets well."

The enemy planes, which looked somewhat more advanced than the traditional sopwith camels ought to be, came in in formation. However they fired early and wildly. Most of their bullets sprayed through open sky. Those that hit merely bounced off of the shield. One bullet pinged off of Britt's shield and he saw it momentarily flash red before his cockpit window. The systems screen in front of his registered the hit to the shield but reported zero damage. As the enemy planes drew closer, their bullets hit more regularly but they were still terrible at aiming. He guessed the pilots weren't terribly experienced in real combat. Unlucky for them because he was.

Britt: "Fire."

Red beams of light zipped out from the tips of each wing and struck a single enemy plane. The lasers burnt through the metal in an instant and bored straight through the entire vehicle. The hatch popped and the pilot ejected.

Britt: "Good for him..."

He juked his plane down to avoid the carcass of the enemy plane as it began to spiral through the air. It would continue the motion all the way to the ground below.

Britt checked his systems. Only two enemy planes had survived the onslaught and none of his own squadron had been damaged. A triumphant first contact. He led the team in an arc to pursue the two remaining planes. Though his planes were now more advanced with the Espa-ñol technology, they wouldn't be able to catch up to the two stragglers any time soon.

Britt: "Jinkies, Probably. Fire torpedoes."

Two confirms came through and a moment later two balls of hot red fire out from his wingmates and crashed into the escapees. Both planes exploded in flames. Nobody would be ejecting from that.

He pushed a console button and was shown a map. It wasn't the best of maps as it was based on satellite data from Earth, but it did have a big, yellow, happy face marking their targets. Britt selected the closest target and set a course. The rest of the squadron fell in.

Britt: "Remember crew, we're to take out all air traffic so that our buddies in Scimitar Squadron can do their bombing runs."

Jinkies: "Why don't we ever get nice names for our squadrons, huh? Why couldn't we be the Lovely Squadron? I can be Lovely #3."

Britt rolled his eyes as needless chatter crossed the waves. Not that he minded it. If any enemies were listening in they'd get to also hear the senselessness of it all. Only when the drew close to their target zone did he ask for hush.

Britt: "Probably, you have the long range scanner. See anything?"

ProbablyChylde: "Aye, Sir. Over yonder mountain there's a whole nest o' 'em."

Twilight Squad Pilot #9: "Who let a Scot be our long-range scanner? I can't understand a word she just said."

ProbablyChylde: "Och! Ye wee sod! I'll give you a bloody good clout when we get back!"

Laughter filled the radio.

Britt: "Shut your yap, everyone. We're in-bound. Any sign that they've spotted us yet, Probably?"

ProbablyChylde: "Nay, Sirrah. None o' the buggers have shifted from their flight path."

Britt led his squadron ever closer to the mountain, keeping low in an attempt to avoid radar detection. They burst up over the peak, rising high into the sky. No doubt they were noticed now. The enemy planes were suddenly scrambling in all manner of directions, desperately trying to get into formation. He pushed on the yoke and his plane's nose fell downwards. The squadron zoomed down the mountainside.

Britt: "There's about three squadrons down there. But it shouldn't be a problem for us. They're already panicked. Let's get them running scared. Everyone pick a target and fire a single torpedo. On my mark."

His sights highlighted a single enemy plane.

Britt: "Mark."

Twelve red balls of death streaked out and plummeted towards the enemy gaggle of planes. Explosions were instant. The blasts struck their neighbouring planes and sent them in a whirlwind descent towards the ground. When it was over only eight planes remained.

Britt: "Break up and finish them off."

His own wing, consisting of himself, Jinkies and Probably, soared up again. He climbed until he was lined up, then made a quick descent. His target was trying to get in behind one of his fellow wing units and hadn't seen him coming down. Britt linked his lasers and fired in dual bursts. The first round hit the plane's wing and tail. The second set his the carapace. Britt watched the cockpit open and the pilot eject. Unfortunately the parachute hit one of the other planes and it didn't expand properly.

Britt: "Uh oh... sucks to be that guy..."

He tried not to empathise. I was easier if the enemies were targets and not people. Quickly he saw all of the enemies disappear from his scanning equipment.

Britt: "Jinkies, call in the Scimitar Squadron for their run. Twilight Squadron, keep an eye out for incoming enemy vehicles."

----------

Britt spread his arms.

Britt: "Welcome to Mars! What do you think of it?"

Soolian: "It's quite cold."

Britt: "Further away from the sun."

They walked around the remains of the colony that had been destroyed by the Martians. There wasn't much left. It appeared that Martian looters had been in and taken whatever was spared by the fires.

Soolian: "They're clean all this up and replace the buildings. They're talking about a space elevator. This whole Martian colony deal has gotten a lot of people very excited, I can tell you! The Americans are practically baying for our rocket designs."

Britt: "I think they'll manage with their own designs eventually."

Soolian: "I imagine so. But tell me, Sir... who are you really?"

Britt: "What do you mean?"

Soolian: "You just seem so very... enigmatic."

Britt: "I've heard that word before and it usually leads to sex. Sorry, Soolian. That uniform is sexy on you but you're my best friend's daughter."

Soolian: "You're very conceited, aren't you?"

She held up her hand. A ring.

Soolian: "I really am just curious about you, Britt. I don't want to sleep with you."

Britt: "Oops? You can't blame me. Blame my past experiences."

Soolian: "You still haven't answered my question."

Britt: "You don't really want to know. It'd spoil the magic."

Soolian crossed her arms and sulked as Britt walked away. He paused and turned back to her.

Britt: "You look like your mother, by the way."

Soolian gasped.

Soolian: "My m-- how could you possibly know that!?"

Britt laughed and walked away. The job was done. The war was won, easily and quickly. The natives wouldn't bother the colonists any more and peace would reign.

Britt: The Legend - Chapter 47

Early 1922 Britt was back before the Pope, looking quite glum.

Pope Benedict XV: "Britt... you owe me. I mean, you owe the Church!"

Britt: "There were ghosts! Ghost... but a really scary one!"

Pope Benedict XV: "You still owe me! After you ran away from said ghost you went joyriding in the Popemobile."

Britt: "I was on my way back here with it."

Pope Benedict XV: "For two months."

Britt: "I... look the scenic route?"

Pope Benedict XV: "And 'parked' it in a tree."

Britt: "Too late to admit I never passed my driver's exam?"

Pope Benedict XV: "There's no such thing as a driver's exam! Now get down there and do the job!"

Britt: "But... the ghosts!"

Pope Benedict XV: "Here. I had my expert Popes create this ghost busting weapon."

Britt accepted the proton pack with googly eyes of awe. However unlike the traditional proton pack of science, this one fires holy beams of destruction.

Britt: "I have suddenly found my courage."

Pope Benedict XV: "Unfortunately there's a condition to using this weapon."

Britt: "I don't like the sound of that."

Pope Benedict XV: "You have to be ordained."

Britt: "..."

Pope Benedict XV: "You'll be an official priest of the Catholic Church."

Britt: "You know I'm totally atheist right? Well, sort of. I believe in Zeus and the Mount Olympus lot, but that's because Zeus totally helped me out once. I mean like, he just came down and was there. I mean, your God never did that so..."

Pope Benedict XV: "Do you want the bloody weapon or not?"

Britt: "Um... okay! Zeus won't mind. Besides, it's not like I worship the guy. Come to think of it, maybe that's why I get into so much trouble."

Pope Benedict XV: "Right. I hereby ordain you as a Priest. Now go and bust ghosts."

Britt: "What? Just like that I'm a Priest? I thought there's be a long-drawn out ceremony filled with pompous pratts throwing incense at me."

Pope Benedict XV: "Normally there is. But I'm afraid you'd worm your way out of it if given half the chance. So it's done. Now. You are a priest. Go!"

Britt: "Fine, fine. Man you're narky when you skip breakfast, you know that?"

Britt went back down into the catacombs of the Vatican, armed with his holy weapon of holiness. As soon as the menacing ghost appeared Britt unleashed holy fury upon it. A beam of cold, white light speared from the nozzle and split a hole in the ghost. It yelled out a moment before exploding in ectoplasm and ghost fish. Britt winced from the rancid smell of long-dead fish. He blew the smoke from his holy gun and returned it to the holster on the pack.

Where the ghost had been haunting, Britt found the sacred Helmut of Halibut. He popped it into his bag o' loot, which he'd remembered to bring with him, and stashed it with the rest of the booty he'd pilfered throughout the centuries.

Britt: "And now onto find the Helmut of Halliburton!! It'll allow me to shoot oil at people. Maybe I could stack the two helmuts ontop of my head... then I could fire oily fish at people!! Or fish oil... maybe that's too gross..."

----------

June 1940, a secret bunker in the Brest, hidden from the German occupation. Soolian Simon was checking monitoring stations when a message popped up on her computer making comments about them all being in a place with an incredibly exciting name. This half of Poland was under Russian rule since Russia and Germany jointly attacked the poor country. Soolian's secret team was installed there just before it fell and had remained there to this day, keeping tabs on both the Russians and the Germans.

Suddenly an alarm goes off. She checks her systems to see who accidentally elbowed the switch this time. General Britt le Fey. She frowned. He was out on patrol somewhere, probably in a German pub on the other side of the Polish border - challenging everyone to a beer drinking game. And losing.

The doors of the bunker slid open and Britt ran inside.

Britt: "They're coming!"

Soolian: "What!? Who!?"

Britt: "The Germans! Gerry's coming!"

Soolian: "They're supposed to be focusing their efforts on Britain. There's no one else left to fight them. Why would they come this way? Towards Russia?"

Britt started packing his things, and everyone else followed suit.

Britt: "Well, you know those beer drinking contests I always lose?"

Soolian groaned.

Britt: "I actually won one. And it turned out to be one of the German generals. He got pissed and started chasing me over the border and into breasts."

Soolian: "Look up."

Britt: "What? What was I saying?"

Soolian: "Br... Germans. Coming this way."

Britt: "Oh yeah. So now they've basically declared war on Russia."

Soolian: "Because you won a beer drinking contest?"

Britt put on his trench coat and slung his bag over his shoulder.

Britt: "That's about right. Everybody ready to get out of here? Good."

Soolian packed her own bags. Fortunately she had managed to keep the men of the station away from her bras, else they'd have stuck them to the front of the secret base with "Welcome to Breast" written on a sign.

Soon enough the secret soldier-spies were outside and they all split into small groups of three. Britt was, naturally, with two women. Soolian and none-other-than his former wingmate, Probably Chylde. The three of them went slinking off, just as the sounds of battle began. Knowing the Russian defensive positions, they were able to avoid danger from that side but they had no idea where the Germans were likely to be.

Soolian: "You know, you may have inadvertently saved Great Britain, Britt?"

Britt: "Yeah. Now the Germans will be fighting on two front instead of just ours. Good plan, right?"

Soolian: "You mean you did it on purpose!?"

Britt: "...maybe. Which answer gets me kissed and which gets me punched?"

Probably: "There's someone up ahead."

The three of them threw themselves down to the ground, crawled up to a discarded wheelbarrow and peep over it like three little meerkat heads. There they see a small troop of Nazi soldiers. They had a truck that was parked up outside of a house and several lamps set up to give off some light. They were probably there for the night and were setting up camp. Their leader, just on the edge of the light, was a tall blonde man. However he was more than man. He was a cyber-man! His arm was replaced with what looked like a green painted cannon and his legs had been replaced with tracks. The enemy leader rolled to the back of the truck and dragged a body from it. The man who was thrown to the ground appeared to be a prisoner, arms bound behind him. Roughly the Nazi leant over, grabbed the collar of the prisoner and dragged him towards his house.

Britt: "Now they've gone, we should get out of here. Maybe we could steal that truck."

Probably: "We should save that guy!"

Both Britt and Soolian stare at their companion.

Probably: "He's obviously on our side! Sirs."

Britt: "We could sit here and argue with Probably until she storms in there anyway. Or we just give in now and rescue the guy."

Soolian groaned. She was less and less impressed with the people she met. But at least she was never bored.

The three of them tip-toed towards the house. They avoided the front door, where two Nazis were on guard and three more were smoking. They snuck around the house and found an open window. Probably went first, Britt second and Soolian last. The room was in utter darkness but fortunately empty. They left their bags in that room and went off to look for the stairs. They went up. Some of the Nazis had to be sleeping already. They'd be easy and silent kills...

A few murders later they met up at the top of the stairs. Britt was clean but Soolian had gotten some blood on the sleeves of her coat. She'd have to wash that out if she wanted to go back undercover. Probably walked over to them.

Britt: "What... the Hell?"

She was covered in blood.

Soolian: "What did you do?"

Probably: "Things got a bit out of control. Not my fault."

Soolian: "Let's just save this guy. We shouldn't have much more trouble with all these ones out of commission."

Britt: "Except for the Terminator."

Soolian: "Don't call him that! That makes him sound so..."

Britt: "Like he's going to terminate us?"

Soolian: "Exactly."

They went back downstairs, one by one. They stopped at the bottom and peeked out from around the wall - somehow looking like meerkats again. They filed out. One Nazi was looking at the ornaments on the walls. They took him out quickly and silently. They got to the main door and noticed that only the two guards were there. Probably and Soolian whipped out their knives and went for the throat while Britt went into the next room. At the centre, the man was bound to a chair. He appeared to be a young man, dark hair and leathery skin that looked too worn for his youth. Britt now got his knife out and went to cut the man's bonds.

Prisoner: "Not bad, tovarish. The three of you moved about with hardly a sound. But there will be no need for that knife..."

He revealed he'd already freed his hand. He then clicked his hand back into place. Britt tried not to squeal with horror.

Prisoner: "I heard you muttering upstairs, however. You should keep your petty banter for after you've killed everyone. Unless you are making sly quips when someone dies. Then it is acceptable."

Suddenly the sound of gunfire resounded outside.

Prisoner: "It seems your friends have come under duress. You shouldn't let women do what men should."

Britt: "Evidently you've never met either of these particular women."

The two men ran to the door and looked out. They ducked back inside just as a hail of bullets stormed the door. Bullets and wooden splinters went in all directions.

Britt: "Jesus blood Christ! That's a machine gun! Mounted to his bloody arm!"

The prisoner just chuckled.

Prisoner: "What will they think of next?"

He held out his hand.

Prisoner: "Arm me?"

Britt tossed him a pistol from his belt. The Russian fired sporadically, not looking out. Then they heard other gunshots. Soolian or Probably were probably (heh) trying to give them covering fire. Britt didn't fancy jumping out there to advantage just in case the Nazi Terminator still had his Gatling gun primed on the doorway.

Prisoner: "You keep up the cover fire from here. I'll find a new vantage point."

Britt shrugged and started to fire out of cover. He dared glance. Not for long. He pulled back as bullets slammed into the door frame again. Britt edged away from the entrance and watched the frame get torn to shreds. The bookcase that had been sitting by the door was gone and pieces of paper were fluttering through the air. The bullets stopped and then he heard him speak, almost sing-song.

Nazi Terminator: "Come out, come out, little mouse."

The wheels ground as he moved outside the door. Firing from the women had stopped too and Britt guessed they were hiding out or also finding another vantage point.

Nazi Terminator: "What are you, little mouse? English? Russian? Polish?"

His voice was growing nearer. Britt, as quietly as he could, changed the magazine of his pistol. A quick splash of tea to the face and a single shot. That'd do the trick. Right?

Nazi Terminator: "The thing about mouses, mein freund. They get caught... in traps."

Britt turned suddenly, the voice breathing down his neck. A second door must have let the machine man in. His body took up most of the small corridor, his tracks ground against the walls as he moved. Britt staggered backwards and scrambled to the end of the corridor. The Nazi Terminator grinned manically and slowly rolled towards him.

Nazi Terminator: "Come now, little mouse. Tell me your secrets and I'll let you live. There's no escape now."

He reached the open door and ground over the rubble. Suddenly there's a shadow at the door as something dropped from the second floor.

A sword flashed.

Prisoner: "Don't get so ahead of yourself, Nemetskiy."

The Nazi Terminator's hat slipped from his head. Then his head slipped from his body.

The prisoner's head poked around the broken door frame.

Prisoner: "See what I mean about quips?"

Britt got up and dusted down his old coat with a sardonic expression.

Britt: "Yes. You're very punny."

Prisoner: "You're women friends..."

Britt rushed out.

Britt: "Soolian? Probably? Where are you?"

A hand poked up from behind a large rock. When Britt came around it he saw blood. This time not on Probably.

Probably: "She was hit."

Probably was holding her own jacket against Soolian's wounds. Two bullets lay on the floor where Probably had evidently dug her fingers inside to get them out.

Britt pushed the jacket aside for a moment and poured hot tea over the wound. Soolian complained, but it would clean the wound a little. He put the jacket back.

Probably: "We can't stay here, Britt. What do we do?"

Britt ran off. A moment later he was back with the wheelbarrow. They lumped her into it and Britt began to drag Soolian along. The Prisoner stopped them.

Prisoner: "Allow me. My way of repaying you for your help."

The Prisoner took over wheelbarrow duty and they continued on, away from the house of carnage.

Prisoner: "I am T14TE, moy drug."

Britt: "That's... an unusual name."

T14TE: "It's an abbreviation for The Fourteenth True Evil."

Britt: "True Evil? You seem awfully nice for someone who is truly evil..."

T14TE: "Nice? I have been called many things, tovarish. But nice has never been one of them. True Evil is simply a title. Passed down mentor to student. So no worries, Khorosho?"

Britt: "Weird title to inherit, but okay. I won't judge. You've helped me out so you're a friend as far as I'm concerned."

------------

Several months later Britt returned his cap to his head. Only a few people stood around the grave and fewer still remained to watch the soil being thrown onto Soolian's casket. He'd lost yet another of his best friends.

Britt: "I'm sorry I didn't protect her well enough, Sir."

Asa Simon, now in his fifties, sighs.

Asa: "I'm retired, remember? Besides, you got to be General as well didn't you?"

Britt: "You shouldn't be so casual with me, Asa. I've let you down this time."

Asa: "Britt, you of all people should know - most of us don't get to die in the arms of our friends. She had that. So I'm grateful."

Britt felt even worse. He had actually hoped to be berated. It would be easier.

Asa: "And now I have another favour to ask you..."

Britt frowned and looked at the old man questioningly.

Asa: "She asked you to act as her son's godfather, didn't she?"

Britt: "You know, she never even told me her husband died in the Battle of France..."

Asa: "I want you to take the boy to the U.S.A."

Britt spluttered.

Britt: "Are you being serious?"

Asa: "I am. I'm going to tell the boy that I'm his father. There are enough orphans in this war as it is. But I'm going to be much too old to actually look after him. And I want him well away from this war. That America... it's a new world out there, you know? Land of opportunities they tell me."

Britt: "Seemed just like everywhere else last time I was over there."

Asa: "Well, I've already arranged everything with your friend, Mrs Chylde. She intends to retire from service and head over there. She'll raise the boy as her own. I just want you to make sure they get there safely. And maybe stick around for a few months. Make sure they settle in. I'll visit whenever I can, but mostly I'll send him letters and money. Make sure he's not left wanting."

Britt: "I think you're going to a lot of trouble, Asa. It'd be simpler to just stick with the truth and let him live here in England."

Asa: "If there's much of England left after the war's over?"

Britt: "..."

Asa: "I think he'll grow up to be a fine man in the Americas. A trendsetter. A hero. Just like his mother."

Britt: "And his grandfather."

Asa: "I hope so. But the misery of being bombed night and day isn't going to give rise to the hope for a brighter future, is it?"

Britt: "Alright, alright. It's your choice, not mine. Just have it on record I think it's a stupid choice."

Asa: "Mrs Chylde and her family are already waiting for you, my friend. And this time I really am entrusting you with the safety of my family."

Britt nodded. He owed it to Soolian to take her of her boy, at least for a few months.

Britt: "I'm going. You're paying for my ticket though."

Asa laughed as Britt headed off.

Asa: "The boy's name is Ohqeanos, by the way!"

Britt stopped still.

Britt: "No freaking way!"

----------

The Nest, Iowa, the outskirts of Iowa City. Baby Ohqeanos is swaddled in Britt's arms.

Britt: "You are going to grow up to be... an ugly little wretch. I tell you that now."

Probably: "Och, don't say that to the poor boy!"

Britt: "I don't speak in truths. Don't I? Eh? Yes I do. Yes I do! You... are going to be... sooooooo ugly! Yes he is! Yes he iiis~~!"

Probably took Ohqeanos from Britt.

Probaby: "Don't listen to your mean godfather. He's just jealous because he's not as adorable as you are."

Britt: "That's okay. Because I'm devilishly handsome."

Probably: "How could any woman resist such charms?"

Britt: "Hey. I can be charming when I want to be! There was this dragon once--"

Lee Child: "It happened. America's in the war now."

Britt sighed, hearing Probably's husband. So there was no escaping it. Lee Child, who had "Americanised" their old British name, read about the attack on Pearl Harbour. They agreed that perhaps it was a good thing. Britain and Russia had been doing a fine job against Germany, with a new party involved maybe it was just a matter of time for Germany, Japan and Italy to capitulate.

Probably: "I'll be glad when all this warring is over. No more blood for me."

Britt: "I think you had a little too much of it already."

Probably: "You do what you have to. And then some. Luckily my babies won't have to go off to fight any more wars once this one's over. We already had the War to End All Wars. Now we had a second. Can't be much fight left in them Germans after this."

Britt: "There's always a war, Probably. But not everyone has to go off to fight them. Do they, Ugly? You're going to be a good little boy, aren't you? Be nice to your new mummy and daddy while I'm gone. You'll see me again one day."

Britt bade his farewells and stepped out of the farm house. It was newly built, funded by Asa Simon himself. Britt wandered around it for a moment then pressed his time travel card.

Card: "Invalid selection."

Britt: "Huh?"

Card: "This card is valid only for Earth. The TEA's jurisdiction--"

Britt: "Alright, alright. Blah blah blah. Dammit. How am I supposed to get back up there now?"

----------

1962.

Prime: "There they go. Off to Jupiter. Off to end this Cold War. God's speed."

Britt: "Thanks. But actually it took forever and we missed our stop."

Everyone in the launch bay leapt to their feet in horror.

Britt: "Kind of weird showing up just after I'd left..."

Prime: "You don't say!"

Romanov: "How did you arrive here?"

Prime, the main researcher into Britt and his lineage, was a rotund fellow with a beard - suitable for those that researched the occult. His pipe fell from his mouth. Romanov was a much younger man and far too twitchy to be healthy.

Britt: "Time travel."

Britt removed his badge.

Britt: "Okay. Current mission. Attach this thing to a rocket. Then I can use the time machine to go through time and help Polly and Ohqeanos get hitched and get your Cold War."

Prime: "B-but where are they?"

Britt: "Jupiter."

Prime: "That's where they're supposed to be. Where you're supposed to be acting as intermediary. You know they're not going to trust a word Ohqeanos says..."

Britt: "Yeah... that's why I need to get back there. That and they're stuck in 1400 and something."

Prime: "The century!?"

Britt: "No. They're stuck in your IBM over there."

Prime: "Ah. A 1400 IBM series computer joke. Because everybody loves those jokes."

Britt: "Hey, you need to feed me better lines if you want better jokes."

Romanov: "Can I see the card?"

Romanov stared at it like it was God's gift. Actually it's probably way cooler than any gift God would give them.

Britt: "Let's me travel through time."

Romanov: "So if I... what? Push it?"

Britt: "Don't--!"

Romanov pushed it. Fortunately the card went through its error sequence. After almost wetting themselves because of the card's in-built prank, Britt snatched the card from Romanov.

Britt: "You, miladdie, are banned from touching my things from now on."

Romanov glumly nodded.

Britt: "Okay. Are we focused and on task? You need to get this done as soon as possible."

Prime: "Why? If it's a time machine you can go back to anytime."

Britt: "If you want them to come back to their own time then you have to hurry. I can't very well bring them back here while I'm still here with the time card, can I? Well I could but a sexy future woman will come and shout at me for being in the same time as myself. Or something like that."

Romanov: "Sounds nice actually."

Britt: "To be fair, I kind do kind of like it. But she might actually put me in prison this time. And I don't mean a sexy prison scene with her. I mean an actual prison with hairy men. Hairy time travelling men."

------------

Later the same night, Britt was now in a small bedroom allocated to his use. He put his bag of swag on the bed and had a rummage through it. He drew out a golden goblet. Then he remembered it was the Holy Chalice of TP and if used it would suddenly cover the whole building in toilet paper. He didn't think anyone would appreciate the gag around here so he put it back and came up with a different cup. He had no idea what the cup did but it was supposedly blessed by five virgin maids. He poured tea into it and slowly sipped as he wondered how exactly they blessed a cup...

------------

Thousands of years ago five maids pee into a cup.

Maid #1: "There's your blessing! Dirty bunch of perverts!"

The priests all mull around awkwardly.

-------------

Then there was a sound above him. He looked up to see the grate of a ventilation shaft come lose. He watched, mildly interested, as two legs appeared. They wiggled. Then the man dropped to the ground. Suddenly he turned around, becoming aware of Britt's presence.

Britt: "Yo."

T14TE: "Aha! So the information is correct. You are here, moy drug. And looking just as young as ever."

Britt: "Aye. Bit of a surprise to see you in here though. I heard that Russia and the U.S. aren't exactly... best of friends."

T14TE: "This is true. I'm here on an ultra secret mission. I was hoping to find you, but I did not expect it to be so quickly. I think you could help me on this mission."

Britt: "You know I'm sort of working with the guys here so..."

T14TE: "So, you have joined the Americans, have you?"

Britt: "Uh... well I wouldn't go that far."

T14TE: "Do not trust the lies they tell, tovarish. These capitalists wish to line their own pockets and make wars wherever they can."

Britt: "They did just send a guy to space to stop a war, you know?"

T14TE: "The individuals do not represent the whole view. You should know this. They are already working on plans for a top secret project that would allow them to weaponise the very moon."

Britt: "Like... a Death Moon!"

T14TE: "Da. Only it would probably sound much cooler than that."

Britt: "Right. So you're saying the U.S. is secretly evil and that Russia are good guys?"

T14TE: "Da. But also I will ask for your help for old time's sake. We are friends, remember?"

Britt: "I suppose. What did you have in mind?"

T14TE: "I just need to extract one of Russia's operatives. A scientist. He is working as a double-agent right now. The Americans believe he is theirs, but in fact he will come back and tell us all he knows of this... Death Moon as you say."

Britt: "Well... as long as nobody dies. Okay? I like these guys. They gave me this nice white jacket. Cool right?"

T14TE: "Indeed. Perhaps I should steal one on my way out. And I'm glad you decided to help me, tovarish. Otherwise I would have had to kill you."

Britt: "Gee... thanks. Friend..."

T14TE: "You know how it is in the spy world, moy drug. I am surprised you turned down that offer to join MI5."

Britt: "How'd you know about that?"

T14TE: "I work now for KGB."

Britt: "Well, between you and me... I turned down MI5 so I could join MI6."

T14TE: "You see what I have to work with? How many KGB agents and they couldn't even work that out? Lucky your MI6 clearly employs the best, da?"

Britt: "I honestly think they only hired me because M fancied me."

T14TE: "M is currently a lady?"

Britt: "That she is."

The two finished their idle chit-chat and took to the halls. T14TE was wearing a nice, but plain suit with no garish fashion statements. His bow-tie was navy blue, the suit was black and his shirt was also black. His hair was slicked over to the side and though he was aged, he had aged well and, if anything, seemed all the more handsome for it.

They turned a corner. A random science dude waved at Britt.

Science Dude #1: "Hey Britt. Good to see you around again. Heard about the time travelling thing. Pretty epic stuff. Hey Britt's friend. Anyway, catch you later."

When he was gone, both breathed a sigh of relief.

Britt: "That was easier than expected."

T14TE: "Da. I thought I was going to have to disappoint you and nail the man's head to the wall."

They went further into the base. They passed a few other science dudes who either didn't look at them or else just waved and smiled. Finally they reached the hole that the Hulk had smashed oh-so-long-ago for our current Britt. Yesterday for everyone else.

Romanov: "Britt. What're yo-- AH!"

Britt: "Romanov's your guy? Seriously? Of everyone in this base, I least expected you, Romanov."

T14TE: "But he is... Russian. Of course it is him!"

Britt: "I just thought that was too easy, you know? Like, of course it's him... but that just means it's really not him and it's someone I'd least expect!"

T14TE: "Da, monimayu. That was part of his cover. Clever, right?"

Britt: "Very."

T14TE: "Comrade Romanov. We leave now."

Romanov nodded. He picked up a bunch of research files he had on his desk and followed the other two through the complex. Romanov seemed nervous.

Romanov: "I expected more dead bodies..."

T14TE: "Fortunately not. Britt has proven a useful companion. You should relax, Comrade, or else people will think there's a problem."

Britt: "I think he's normally twitchy so I don't think it'd matter."

He turned back to Romanov.

Britt: "How are they doing with my time machine?"

Romanov: "They estimate five years."

Britt: "Five--!! Are you kidding me? Maybe I should time travel five years into the future."

Romanov: "I think they'd need your card to attach it to the ship..."

Britt: "Good point. I hope Ohqeanos and Polly don't mind losing five years of their lives!"

Romanov: "I can't speak for the Jupiterian, but the American will likely not mind at all. He seemed unhappy with his life as it is. He was a disappointment to his father and his adoptive parents passed away not long ago, I believe. He's lived a complicated life. His adoptive parents were very anti-war. All that... hippy movement. Something like that. His true father, who only ever communicated by post, was quite the opposite. A true war hero. He expected Ohqeanos to be America's true champion or something. Very strange indeed."

T14TE: "Anti-war. Pah! In Russia war antis you."

Britt: "Does that make any sense?"

Britt decided he'd probably have to have a chat with Ohqeanos when they next met. But for now they were exiting the complex.

T14TE: "Here I will steal this vehicle."

Romanov: "No no. Use this one. I have the keys."

They climbed into a seemingly inconspicuous jeep and Romanov handed the keys to T14TE. The car started off and they drove towards the gate.

Romanov: "They won't let us out. Not even me. Probably not even Britt. Push the big red button."

T14TE pushed the button. The rear of the jeep suddenly transformed into two twin jet engines.

Britt: "What in the name of..."

The jeep whizzed through the gates and sent men jumping for cover. All three inside the vehicle were pinned to their seats. The jeep continued along until Romanov, with all his might, leaned over and pushed the red button again. Britt expected it to stop. It didn't. It just grew wings! The car-plane took off into the sky. Britt could almost hear a cool jazz jingle play as they did so.

T14TE: "Onwards to Mother Russia!"

Britt: "You know, you forgot to drop me off!"

T14TE: "No, tovarish! Like Comrade Romanov said - you have five years to wait! You may as well come and see my homeland! Maybe give up a few secrets, da? The KGB will be most pleased."

Britt: "This friendship is starting to sound very one-way."

T14TE: "I am showing you my home! I can't think of a better sign of friendship than that!"

----------

Britt walked into Romanov's new laboratory. It turned out that Romanov had been deliberately sabotaging the development of America's super soldier by overdoing their current subject, which Britt had been calling Hulk, with the serum. Britt explained that the Hulk was calming down and becoming more normal last time he saw the guy. Romanov expected as much and believed it was time to hurry Russia's own super soldier project.

While the U.S.A. and its capitalist ideals were all about the individual becoming a success, Russia and Communism was about unification. All are equal under communist rule. And so instead of an individual being who could take on many, they would make many who could take on the one. Britt stared at what appeared to be T14TE.

Britt: "So is this T15TE?"

Romanov: "No. That's a title earned."

Britt: "Right... he does look like him though. A lot."

Romanov: "This one was bred in a vat. He hatched this way. His higher brain functions are limited, making him pliable for my research."

Britt: "So you're insinuating that some of them are... born?"

Romanov: "That's right. Born and raised by us. Or created as men. Straight out of the tube. If they are born and raised, we find that they perform better. But this is obviously a slow process. Better to hatch the vast majority."

Britt: "Not sure if I like all this cloning stuff. Unless you had cloned a very attractive lady... then I think I'd be very interested..."

Romanov laughed a breathy chuckle.

Romanov: "I'm sorry if my experiments don't appease your sexual fantasies."

Britt noticed that Romanov was engrossed in his computer work and Britt pressed a button on the pin of his jacker. Snapshot. Having first been to Russia and interrogated, they then decided to take Britt to Romanov's secret research centre in the Himalayas. China had turned communist and the USSR had helped them purge the Japanese from their lands. Thus indebted, Romanov was permitted his base up on the Chinese side of the illustrious mountain range. Far away from everything and everyone. The Russians believed they'd gotten quite a prize with Britt and he was fairly cooperative with them, especially when it came to American endeavours. However he'd been slipping information back to MI6 since he'd arrived. Often humming his own cunning theme song when he did his work.

Romanov: "That tune you often hum is very catchy."

Britt: "Deeeerp! I know right!? I should sell it and make a mint."

Romanov hammered at a bolt on the machine.

Britt: "So what do you call these guys?"

Romanov: "Well, I thought I would use that title of our Comrade. But they cannot be the next in the line. So, if it works, there will be no more True Evils anyway. Our Comrade will live on, through his clones. He would be the only True Evil. The very Last True Evil. So that is what they are. The Last True Evil."

Britt: "And T14TE would be The Original Last True Evil then."

Romanov: "Quite! Able to command all of his clones with the sheer force of his charisma."

Britt came to the TLTE and looked into its eyes. It was aware and awake but unflinching. Like a zombie. Britt removed his pin, held it up and posed with the TLTE. Selfie!

The TLTE moved. Britt jumped back.

It reached for a where a gun should be.

Britt: "Fuq nuggets."

TLTE: "Death to spies."

Romanov: "What?"

Britt threw a wad of tea at Romanov. Despite everything he was up to, Britt couldn't kill the man. The clone, on the other hand, was shot with the silenced pistol he had stuffed in his white jacket. He ran from the laboratory and started to dash down the corridor on his own escape mission. A figure stepped round the corner. Another TLTE. Britt fired and struck the clone through the forehead. He jumped over the toppling body just as alarms blared out. Fortunately Britt had spent the past three years in the base and knew even the most secret of areas. He knocked on a false wall and it swung open. He was through and outside in an instant. He started to run. There were no vehicles here except for those that arrived on Tuesday to ferry people to and from. Unfortunately it was Thursday.

The Himalayas. Ice and snow. Cold and more cold. He kept going. At least he'd have plenty of tea to drink. But there was shouting from behind him. He didn't glance back. Some shots fired but Britt knew he was too far away now to be hit by them. He started up. He'd need to get over the mountain to reach the other side, the Indian side. India might no longer be part of the British Empire, but there was plenty of Britishness still left to be a save haven to any MI6 spy on the run from Russian clones.

The cold gripped him, but the tea in his blood kept him warm from within. He sneezed. He was going to be sick for days after this. Suddenly a mound of snow burst open. A secret hatch!

The Original Last True Evil: "Moy drug! I almost missed you!"

Britt: "Bollocks."

OLTE: "I find myself disappointed. I thought we were friends."

Britt: "Who's to say we're not still? I didn't do anything you weren't doing. You got information from me, I got information from you."

OLTE: "This is true! This is true. Perhaps if you come with me now, this... misunderstanding can be forgotten? Khorosho?"

Britt smiled a forced and unconvinced smile.

Britt: "I have a feeling I won't like where you want to take me."

OLTE: "Then I guess our friendship truly is at an end."

He pulled a katana from the sheath on his back and finished climbing up from the hatch.

OLTE: "I never did tell you how sorry I was about your friend, tovarish. She was beautiful."

Britt: "A bit late for that."

OLTE: "Maybe not too late to tell you I killed her. You left her with me and while she lay there I put my hands inside her wound, opened it up and finished her off."

Britt: "Wha- what? Why!?"

OLTE: "She was never going to make the journey. I put her out of her misery."

Britt: "You're lying."

OLTE laughed a little amused laugh.

OLTE: "Da. I am. I killed her because... why not? She was an easy victim to add to my ever-growing list. And I was keen to extend that list then. I was young. Can you blame me?"

Britt: "Why tell me now?"

OLTE: "As I just said. Why not? It is over now, you may as well know now. At the end."

Britt: "I know you well enough. I can't get you with my gun. I have sword like you do..."

OLTE: "Exactly. Nothing you can do."

Britt: "I have my tea."

OLTE: "I can take a burn, tovarish. I am not afraid of your tea."

Britt: "Maybe my tea alone wouldn't stop you. Maybe. But... it's very cold up here."

OLTE: "... yes it is."

Britt smiled darkly.

OLTE: "Wait. No!"

He was about to raise his sword when the cold tea struck him. Like a waterfall it tumbled down and froze in the cold, cold air of the Himalayas within a few seconds. He managed to stagger a few steps before the tea began to become ice. Britt continued to pour it on until he was encased in a solid block.

Britt approached the block and tapped it.

Britt: "You were cold-hearted after all."

He laughed.

Britt: "I hope that one was punny enough for you... tovarish."

Britt then left. He slammed the hatch shut as he went and never looked back. He didn't stop until he had climbed back down and reached the vibrant sights and sounds of India.

------------

Two years later.

Britt: "I'm back!"

Britt was ushered back into the American base and shown to Prime.

Prime: "You're alive!"

Britt: "Yes! And my rocket should be ready!"

Prime: "It's been ready the past five years."

Britt: "What!? But Romanov... said that... it... bollocks."

Prime showed Britt the inside of the rocket. It was more spacious than the last one, at least. Britt found his time travel licence - sticky-taped to the inside of the cockpit.

Britt: "You're kidding me?"

Prime: "Nope. It should work just fine."

Britt sighed, sat down and strapped in.

Prime: "Good luck, my friend."

Britt glanced back and nodded to Prime as he left the rocket.

Britt: "Time travel in... five... four... three... two... one... zap!"

He pushed the licence and activated the rocket. The rocket lurched upwards and then time warped across the window until the launch bay was gone and only space remained. He checked the licence. It was the right year. In fact he was early, giving him plenty of time to get the rocket all the way to Jupiter and arrive at Rosslefot's house, just after he'd left with Chronos.

Britt: The Legend - Chapter 48.1

Britt, now in orbit around the Earth circa 1555, his rocket started its way towards Jupiter. Eventually it broke through the thick milky clouds that circulate the planet's upper atmosphere and descended down towards the location Britt knew housed Rosslefot's house. His rocket came screaming down through the sky and he realised the thing was supposed to land arse-end down, not nose first. Britt exploded in a string of panicked expletives that all suddenly stop when his rocket also suddenly stopped. A sudden jarring motion caused him to rock in his chair. Always wear seatbelts, kids! Having avoided being splattered against the windscreen Britt stared out at a very large, yellow eye.

Lady Dragon: "Oh! It's you again!!"

Britt: "Ah..."

----------

Britt managed to get himself out of the rocket and after some awkward explanations he managed to untangle himself from conversation with the dragon lady. He told her she could keep the rocket. He got to the cliff where he recalled being atop it with the others. Twice. After some more bartering, the dragon agreed to lift him up and put him atop of the cliff. There he said goodbye to her and started on his way towards Rosslefot's home. Just before he reached it he heard a lot sound. He looked up to see the dragon riding the rocket like a bucking broncho off into space. He scratched his head.

Britt: "Not something you see everyday."

Polly: "Britt!"

He turned. It was a short while for them, but for him it had been... he couldn't even count that much. He ran to them and first hugged Polly and then he hugged Ohqeanos.

Britt: "I'm sorry for being so selfish. That's what I've learned."

Ohqeanos: "Uh... congratulations?"

Britt: "No back chat from you, mister. You're not too old to go over my knee again!"

Ohqeanos: "... what? Again?"

Britt: "Alright. I saved the real Queen so Polly, you're free of your duties here in 1555."

Nostradamus: "What Britt means to say is that he's travelled through time while we were gone and he's just shown up again now. He's sorry for selfishly abandoning you both and for bringing you to this time in the first place. He's happy to be your ambassador from Earth and will do his best to make sure things go smoothly."

Britt: "Wow... impressive but you could have missed out the abandoning part."

Nostradamus: "It adds flavour to the summary. Don't spoil it."

Britt: "You're not writing my book."

Nostradamus: "What makes you think I want to!"

Britt: "I saw it!"

Nostradamus: "Ah. That means you have no choice unless you wish to invoke Chronos' anger again."

Ohqeanos: "Who?"

Britt: "Doesn't matter. Let's just go inside."

Britt peeked through the window. He wasn't inside. Only Rosslefot, The Hulk and Ptetra were inside. Britt burst the door open, hoping for a grand and magnificent entrance.

Petra clasped her hands together.

Ptetra: "You're back! I knew you would!"

Britt rolled his eyes. He'd forgotten the crazy Jupiter Queen had tried to molest him atop of the cliff top and wanted him to be her eternal husband.

Britt: "No time for conversation, Princess!"

Ptetra: "Queen."

Britt: "We have to go BACK--!"

Ohqeanos: "Don't say it."

Britt: "--TO THE FUTURE!!!"

Nostradamus: "Do you realise how many times that joke has been used already?"

Britt: "Quiet you two. Time for a wedding!"

Polly: "Well, I like this proactive attitude in you, Britt. Maybe you did learn something!"

Britt: "I learnt many, many things. Especially I learnt I love these... oreo things. I have no idea why."

Polly: "Not what I thought would be at the top of your list of important things."

Britt set the date on Rosslefot's machine.

Ohqeanos: "Not 1962?"

Britt: "Uh... no. I was in 1962 trying to get a rocket to time travel. They took five years to do it."

Nostradamus: "While you were playing spy games, you mean?"

Britt: "Stop telling people stuff!"

Polly: "Spy games? Sounds intriguing!"

Nostradamus: "You'd probably enjoy reading about his exploits in war more. Particularly what he gets up to with Soolian Simon."

Polly: "Another woman!!? I mean... a woman!"

Ohqeanos: "Simon? Who's Soolian Simon?"

All of the silliness was suddenly plunged into a cold bath for Britt and he hesitated. He looked at Ohqeanos seriously.

Britt: "I'll tell you when you're older."

Ohqeanos: "What?"

Britt: "But now we gotta go!"

Ptetra: "Wait! You can't leave! We're to get married!"

Polly: "What!? Another woman!? I mean... not that I care."

Britt: "I'm sorry, Ptetra, but we're really not compatible. I'm not husband material. Not again..."

Polly: "Again!?"

Britt: "I wish you'd stop that. You're about to get married to my godson!"

Ohqeanos: "You're my godfather!?"

Britt: "Probably never told you?"

Ohqeanos: "She said my godfather was a.... time traveller and immortal guy that saved her during the Second World War..."

Britt nodded matter-of-factly.

Ohqeanos: "I always thought it was just the drugs that sent her round the bend..."

Ptetra: "You are not going anywhere."

The Queen grabbed Britt's arm.

Britt: "Don't make me splash tea in your face, lady."

Rosslefot: "I do hope that's not a euphemism. We'll have none of that in here, thank you very much."

Ptetra: "I won't let you go. You belong to me!"

The room suddenly went dark and the atmosphere grew thin.

Britt: "Looks like you've been dabbling in some of that dark magic your mother practiced..."

Ptetra smiled sweetly, yet through a veil of sinister evil.

Ptetra: "That idiot Salmitton didn't even know who he was really working for."

Nostradamus: "Speaking of which..."

The window suddenly crashed as a red streak burst in, his light-sabre like weapon drawn and ready for use.

Decline: "You won't escape me this time!"

Ptetra hid behind Britt. Decline leapt at him.

Polly: "Bugger this!"

She slammed the time travel button and the whole room shook. Faded. Then they appeared again in the same house. Except the house looked old and abandoned. Britt looked down at himself where he'd seen a light-sabre inbound moments ago. Nothing there. No injury. He sighed with relief. He looked up at Polly, Ohqeanos and Hulk. And Nostradamus.

Britt: "What the buggery are you doing here?"

Nostradamus: "I was programmed in at the last moment. Thankfully because I wouldn't want to see what happens in that room after we vamoosh."

They all look at him expectantly.

Nostradamus: "Okay, alright. Decline stabbed Ptera with his glowing sword."

Britt: "Ah. Makes sense."

Nostradamus: "She then exploded."

Britt:

Nostradamus: "All that pent up dark magic, you see. It burnt Decline to a crisp. Fortunately, old Rosslefot had the good sense to hide behind a rather large couch."

Britt: "Lucky blighter."

Nostradamus: "Ptetra, so wounded, should have died but her magic kept her going. She was crippled though. Became one of the most evil queens in Jupiterian history. Queen of Terror, she became known."

Polly: "Oh my! I had no idea that was the Queen of Terror! She looked so... pleasant!"

Nostradamus: "I guess leaking dark magic constantly will change your appearance."

Britt: "And you got all that from reading my book?"

Nostradamus: "Yes. In your book I said all those things, so I'm repeating them now."

Britt: "So it doesn't actually say what happened, you're just reading your own lines!?"

Polly: "Book?"

Britt: "Yes! The sod's a fraud. He's just reading a book to know what's going to happen!"

Nostradamus: "Ah. I should have remembered this would come up..."

Britt: "We'll talk about that later. And I'll be taking you back to Earth later too. Once these two get hitched."

Polly looked at Ohqeanos with something close to affection rising within her.

Britt: "And we have to do it quick. It's now 1969 and the moon landing is going to happen."

Ohqeanos: "They're going to land on the moon? That's great! We started a base on Mars but... that was awful. All those poor Martians... I wish I had been around to protest! Probably would have been the first in line to shout abuse at those genocidal soldiers that took part in that war."

Britt: "Uh... you things are never so black and white, Ohqeanos? Heh... but yes! Genocide! It's not the moon landing that's important - it's what they're going to land on the moon! A super mega death ray! Their superweapon! It'll wipe out Jupiter in an instant."

Polly: "Would they ever fire such a thing!?"

Ohqeanos: "They blew up Japan. And they slaughtered Martians. I'd say it's not outside the realm of possibility, Polly."

Britt: "The alliance between Earth and Jupiter needs to happen. Now. Let's get you two to your capital and get married and save the day!"

Britt the Legend - Chapter Forty-Eight Some More

Britt, Ohqeanos, Polly, and Nostradamus rush to the gates of the Royal Palace in the capital of the Jupiterian Empire, Fu-guru, which also housed the Empire's military control center named the Polydodecahedron (though too many people complained that they couldn't remember it, so it was often simply referred to as the 120-Cell), the Jovian Parliament (where nothing got done), and the galactic fast food chain's founding restaurant of Ptoppy's Poppers. On this day, July 20th 1969 by Earth's time, the night sky above rained with neon, with a heavy meteor shower lighting up the sky.

A royal palace guard stops the four as they approach the gate.

Royal Palace Guard: "Halt!"

Polly: "You must let us in at once! I'm to be wed to this human here to secure a truce between Jupiter and Earth!"

For emphasis, she pulls Ohqeanos to her side.

Royal Palace Guard: "Princess Ptolly?! You're alive! The court must know about this immediately!"

Polly: "No time for that! The more we delay, the more we risk mutually-assured destruction with the Earth. We must be wed at once!"

Royal Palace Guard: "I...I'm sorry, Princess, but that's no longer possible."

Polly: "Explain yourself! And quickly!"

Royal Palace Guard: "Well, you see, after you disappeared seven years ago, and nobody could find you, the idea of the wedding as a truce had been called off. Tensions between Jupiter and Earth have risen, and Earth is about to secure the final piece of their M.A.M.M.O.R.Y. to use against Jupiter. We're about to make the pre-emptive strike against them before they have the chance."

Britt: "Mammory?"

Royal Palace Guard: "Mega-Awesome Moon Mass Obliterator RaY."

Britt: "That's not even a real acronym!"

Royal Palace Guard: "I don't pretend to understand humans."

Polly: "We have to stop them! Guard, escort us!"

The guard salutes and joins the four as they jump into a Jupiterian jeep and race over to the 120-Cell.

Britt: "I'm hungry. Can we get something to eat?"

Ohqeanos: "Two planets, one of them our home, is about to be destroyed, and you're thinking about food at a time like this?"

Britt: "I'm told Ptoppy's Poppers has the best shakes in the galaxy."

Ohqeanos: "Shakes? I love shakes!"

Polly: "We don't have time for shakes!"

Britt and Ohqeanos gives Polly puppy-dog eyes.

Polly: "No!"

Nostradamus joins them.

Polly: "You too?"

The Royal Palace Guard joins as well.

Polly: No, and that's final!"

---------------------------------------

Britt, Ohqeanos, Polly, Nostradamus, and the Royal Palace Guard burst into the 120-Cell War Room, holding bags of Ptoppy's Poppers and cups of shakes in their hands. One of the many generals turns around. He looks an awful lot like Captain Crunch.

General Seriol: "What's the meaning of this? Who let these people in here?"

Polly: "You have to stop what you're doing right now! Contact the heads of Earth and let us talk to them. We can still negotiate a truce!"

General Seriol: "Princess Ptolly! I don't know the meaning of this, but you must be sent to the Royal Court immediately--"

Ohqeanos: "Please, sir, hear her out. I can speak to the people of Earth."

General Seriol: "Is that a human? A saboteur in our midst! Arrest him!"

Polly: "No!"

She rushes in front of Ohqeanos as other military officers approach him with drawn weapons.

Britt: "Hey hey hey! Calm down, everyone! You guys still have days to work with here--"

General Seriol: "Hours."

Britt: "--plenty of hours to still launch your strike."

He moves to the general's side, wrapping an arm around his shoulder that holds a shake.

Britt: "Have your men stand down, call up an Earth leader, and let these two try diplomacy. If they succeed, Jupiter avoids Doomsday."

Nostradamus: "For at least a solid thirty years."

Polly: "What?"

Nostradamus: "Nothing."

Britt: "And if they fail, at least your Empire stands on the high ground, and still have many, many minutes to make your strike. So many minutes! Whaddaya say?"

He shakes the cup in his hand for the general to see.

Britt: "You can have some of my shaaaake...."

For emphasis, Britt shakes the cup some more.

General Seriol: "Colonel, contact the first Earth leader you can get a hold of."

The general takes Britt's shake and sips from it, while Polly and Ohqeanos hug in excitement before collecting themselves and politely standing a short distance from each other. Many of the advanced holo-projected screens display live feeds of Earth, Apollo 11, and the Moon with the M.A.M.M.O.R.Y visibly pointing away from Earth. On the largest screen, Pierre Trudeau, the prime minister of Canada, appears.

Pierre Trudeau: "Oh my! On behalf of Canada and the People of Earth, I, Pierre Trudeau, am honored to be ambassador for--"

Ohqeanos: "With all due respect, General, I would call someone else."

Pierre Trudeau: "--did you just say--now hold on--oh fiddlesticks--"

The screen changes to static for a moment before a new image appears, showing Richard Nixon, President of the United States of America.

Richard Nixon: "This is the President of the United States--ah, greetings General. Calling to talk the terms of surrender?"

General Seriol nearly explodes when Britt holds him back with his remaining Poppers.

Britt: "Mr. President, we're calling to talk about a truce."

Richard Nixon: "And who are you? Are you... one of us?"

Britt: "Yes, and I'm hear with the man who was to marry the Jupiterian princess and forge an alliance, Ohqeanos Simon."

He motions Ohqeanos to step up, and Ohqeanos nervously does so, waving sheepishly.

Ohqeanos: "Hello, sir. I apologize for the delay, but we're here now. We don't have to go to war."

Richard Nixon: "The wedding was called off years ago, Simon. Those aliens you're with right now are about to wipe out the human race because they don't believe in human decency and democracy. They never will. They only understand force, and we have to show them we mean business. If we're going down, we're taking them with us, and you better believe the rest of the universe will remember the human race then!"

Ohqeanos: "Too many of us think peace is impossible. Too many think it is unreal. But that is a dangerous, defeatist belief. It leads to the conclusion that war is inevitable, that mankind is doomed, that we are gripped by forces we cannot control. We need not accept that view. Our problems are manmade; therefore, they can be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings!"

Everyone stands stunned at Ohqeanos's words. Polly stares at Ohqeanos with admiration. Even President Nixon gives pause to think.

Richard Nixon: "That was a nice speech, kid. Wise words from President Kennedy. But I'm afraid that's hippie talk these days. Operation M.A.M.M.O.R.Y. continues as planned. I'd get off that planet if I were you."

Ohqeanos: "Wait!"

The screen goes black. Ohqeanos stands stunned.

General Seriol: "Alright, men! Apollo 11's is landing as we speak. We have minutes before they fire that super-ray and destroy Jupiter. Have the capital ships fire the omegarmageddon warheads ASAP, evacuate the Royal Court to Alpha Centauri--"

Polly: "We must be able to disarm the Earth weapon..."

Ohqeanos remains standing in place as the War Room turns into chaos, with Polly, Britt, and Nostradamus attempting to wrestle for control of the launch orders. On the screens, Earth's moon death ray begins to charge up, while Jupiter's mightiest missiles hurl from the capital ships towards Earth. Mutual annihilation is certain.

Just then, the room darkens, and everything but Ohqeanos halts to a standstill. From a darkened shadow, The Negotiator appears and walks to Ohqeanos's side. They look at each other.

Ohqeanos: "Wha...what do you want?"

The Negotiator: "I want what you want, Mr. Simon. An end to this war."

Ohqeanos: "And... you can make that happen?"

The Negotiator: "In return for something. I only have as much power as can be agreed upon in a deal."

Ohqeanos: "I want you to stop this war. Forever."

The Negotiator: "Well well well, that's quite a tall order, Mr. Simon... I'll need something quite important from you in return, to balance things out."

Ohqeanos: "I, uh, don't own any planets of my own."

The Negotiator: "Nothing so literal of a balance, Mr. Simon, just something that would be as important to you as the world. Something, incidentally, that will be as important to the world..."

A sinister smile spreads across the face of the Negotiator.

The Negotiator: "...your children."

Ohqeanos: "M-my children? But I don't have any children."

The Negotiator: "Oh, not now, but you will. You'll be a hero to the human race, marry the beautiful love of your life -- a princess, of course -- and live the rest of your life in fame and fortune unmatched by any human for all of history. All I ask for is that your children will be mine."

Ohqeanos: "...no."

The Negotiator balks.

The Negotiator: "I don't believe you understand. It's your children or the human race."

Ohqeanos: "Take me instead. Have whatever fame and fortune be given to someone else. Leave whatever children I have out of it."

The Negotiator: "I'm afraid your life is not worth nearly the same as two worlds, at least not to you. Only your children will hold the same weight for you."

Ohqeanos: "You'll have to get through me, first!"

He stands defiant, though his shaking body betrays his feelings. The Negotiator raises an eyebrow.

The Negotiator: "Is that so?"

He eyes Ohqeanos up and down.

The Negotiator: "I will avert this war. The Sleeper will have his hand slip and hit the right button, and the two worlds' weapons will fizzle. He will be heralded as a legendary hero. You will marry that woman there and settle in obscurity. She will give birth to your children. At which point, they will be safe... until you die."

Ohqeanos swallows in fear.

The Negotiator: "You may not know this, but you can only die if you choose to die. Rather annoying, if you ask me. You are far from invincible, mind you, quite the opposite. And unlike The Sleeper, you will still age. And once your children are born, I will make sure that every moment of your life is a nightmare that to which you will wish for death. You will be bed-ridden in a hospital, never watching your children have their first walk or say their first words. And when you finally embrace death, then your children will be mine."

The demon holds a hand up to Ohqeanos.

The Negotiator: "Do we have a deal?"

Ohqeanos stares at the ground, as if staring into his own grave. He closes his eyes and clenches his fists. He looks up and locks eyes with the Negotiator, gripping the Negotiator's hand hard with his own.

Ohqeanos: "Deal."

He pulls the Negotiator close to himself.

Ohqeanos: "You will never have them."

A wicked smile spreads across The Negotiator's face as he pulls away and back into the shadows.

The Negotiator: "We'll see..."

Britt: The Legend - Chapter 48.3

The doors burst open an a piratey figure rushes in, light-cutlass drawn.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Here he comes to save the daaaaaaay!!"

General Seriol: "Who in the name of Marduck let you in here!?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "I let myself in. Seems all the action's going down in here so all the guards are shoving their faces up against the windows."

Britt: "Kaptin! Where the Hell've you been!?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Well, since someone let me stranded in 1555...!"

Britt: "Derp."

Polly: "We were about to be murdered by a very angry Salmitton... or Evil Queen. We had to act fast and get out of there."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Yeah! I know! I went waltzing in there after the fact! That crazy woman wanted to experiment on me the women she clapped eyes on me. Thought I'd bring her eternal life or something."

Britt: "What did you do?"

The skeleton shrugged.

Kaptin Kwanza: "I let her do it."

Britt: "What!?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "What can I say, mate? She was a hottie!"

Britt: "You can tell me about it over a drink later. For now... help me push buttons!"

Kaptin Kwanza, before questioning the act, starts to press random buttons, switches and pull levers.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Why're we doing this?"

Britt: "To stop them from destroying the Earth!"

General Seriol: "Stop! You two, get away from that console!"

The General grabs Britt's jacket, causing the Sleeper to slip and accidentally press the correct button to cease the Jovian plans. The missles that were fired stop dead in space and start floating about, ready to either be salvaged or to be lost and eventually collide with something very unfortunate.

General Seriol: "No! Now there's nothing to save us!"

Britt rolled his eyes.

Britt: "So melodramatic. The moon is considered part of Earth's territory, right?"

General Seriol: "Yes. Under space treaties of 167--"

Britt: "Don't need to know. Kaptin, hold my arm."

Kaptin Kwanza linked his arm with Britt's.

Kaptin Kwanza: "You know I never kiss on the first date, Britt."

Britt: "This is hardly our first date... with ADVENTURE!!"

He tapped his time-travel licence and the two of them zapped out of existence and were transported to the moon base. Luckily they appeared inside the base where oxygen was plentiful, rather than outside where Britt would have suffocated into Sleep again.

They peered out of a window at the barren, white surface of the moon.

Britt: "Fun times! Let's shut down this giant nipple."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Nipple!?"

Britt: "I meant to say laser. Laaaaser."

They ran down the moonbase passage, which looked remarkably... moonbasey, until they came across a man in a yellow jumpsuit. Because all evil plans need dudes in jumpsuits.

Jumpsuit Goon: "Oi! Who the Hell're you two?"

Britt: "Uh... moonbase inspection team! We're here to check the... uh... health and safety of this installation!"

Jumpsuit Goon: "You've picked a Helluva time for it, fella! We're about fire ma lazor!"

Britt: "Uh... we'll start there then."

The goon led the two of them through the mess hall and past the kitchen. Britt poked his head in to see what was for dinner. Clangers. The poor pink things were being boiled and mashed into Clanger burgers.

Jumpsuit Goon: "There's nawt else on this rock to eat."

Final they find the control station for the laser. A large hexagonal room with a central column with a very big red button that was probably used to fire the thing.

Jumpsuit Goon: "I'm hoping it'll be my go to push the button! First Jupiter then Saturn. Never liked those suspicious-looking ring things round that planet. I tell y-- ow!"

Britt thumped the goon in the face and he fell to the metal floor with a clang. Instantly red lights flashed and a siren screeched.

Kaptin and Britt made their way across the higher level, punching jumpsuits as they went. Britt poured tea all over the consoles he passed by with a malicious grin. Health and safety down the pan!

Britt: "Down the ladders!"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye aye!"

The skeleton clambered down the ladders and started stabbing jumpsuits with his light-cutlass. Britt rose up a wave of tea that quickly pushed him up into the air and down again, as gently, onto the lower level. He ran at the central column and diverted the wave of tea straight at it. He ensured it would have extra sugar in it to make the tea residue extra sticky.

A goon ran at the red button. Britt threw tea his way, smashing monitors, panels, consoles. The goon ducked and dodged all the way to the button. Kaptin skewered the guy, but just too late. His hand hit the button.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Uh-oh..."

Britt continued to pour tea onto the central column, causing sparks of electricity to spew and crackle. The lights in the room shut off, replaced by the red emergency lighting. The laser cannon shifted its vantage point to aim at Jupiter.

Britt: "No way! C'mon!"

The shaft fizzles with energy and then lets out a long fart-sound as it entirely lost its energy.

The two men fist the air and, after eating a few of those Clanger burgers, Britt took them back to the Earth to be rewarded for their efforts.

----------

Sometime later, a Jovian ship had landed on the Earth and Polly was now official diplomat to smooth over relations between the two planets. When she had mentioned the prospects of trade, the American government practically wet themselves. The group would then arrange to meetup at the old research station that Ohqeanos worked at.

They met up in the canteen.

Britt waggled his ordinary beef burger.

Britt: "Honestly, they should get on those Clanger burgers and start shipping them down here. They may be cute and weird, but they taste awesome."

Ohqeanos: "I'll mention that to Prime next time I see him."

Britt pointed his finger from Polly to Ohqeanos.

Britt: "So what about you pair?"

Polly shrugged.

Polly: "Well... the war was averted so... I guess..."

Ohqeanos suddenly stood up, much to the surprise of everyone at the table. The Hulk, who had become much more man than beast now, pulled Ohqeanos' chair out of the way.

Ohqeanos suddenly fell to one knee.

Kaptin Kwanza: "No way..."

Nostradamus: "Oooh! I've always wanted to see this!"

Ohqeanos: "Prince Ptolly. I know our marriage was supposed to be one of politics but in the short time I've known you I find my heart... captured by your beauty, your intelligence, your charisma and your refined spirit that truly dragged me from the shell I was hiding in and showed me the light. I was so alone before you came into my life and without you I feel I... would be alone once again. I need you and love you in more ways than I could ever express. But I will say four words that, though they do no justice to what I'm feeling, will encompass everything I long for and dream of."

Polly, who had stood up in shock, allowed Ohqeanos to take her hand and slip a beautiful silver ring onto her finger. He'd bought the rock when he was on Jupiter, the stone glittered like a rainbow and seemed to weigh down the woman's hand as he put it onto her finger.

Ohqeanos: "Will you marry me?"

Polly: "I... I..."

Everyone sat, tense with anticipation.

Polly: "Of course I do!"

Ohqeanos leapt up and embraced his dearest love in his arms. They kiss and the rest of the group cooed. Britt clapped his hands enthusiastically and emotionally. Kaptin Kwanza started to cry. Or he would if he had tear ducts.

Polly: "I'll have to resign my position. But that's okay. I was getting bored of old men at tables, babbling on about trade prices."

Ohqeanos: "I hope you can find something else that makes you happy."

Polly: "I enjoyed tomb raiding..."

Britt: "Can't say I approve of that profession. A few of my tombs have been raided over the years! They even knicked the spare pair of pants I had in a wardrobe, if you can believe it!"

Polly: "Don't worry. If I ever find your tomb, I promise not to steal your pants. Only the valuables."

Britt: "Gee... thanks..."

Hulk: "I hope you'll get married in a good American church?"

Ohqeanos: "I... hadn't really thought about it."

Britt: "Well, actually, now that you mention it. I'm technically an ordained Priest, you know?"

Polly: "No you're not."

Britt: "I am too! Nostradamus, you wrote my book! Tell them!"

Nostradamus: "He is indeed an ordained Priest."

Ohqeanos: "Wow. I never thought you were so religious, Britt!"

Britt: "I'm not. But I wanted a ghost-bustin' gun."

Nobody chose to ask questions about that one.

Ohqeanos: "Still... I think we should hire a professional."

Polly agreed with her fiancé and thus Britt never got to use his priestly powers of matrimony. Instead the two went on to take Hulk's advice and get married in a traditional American church. Polly's father, King Btilly, came all the way from Jupiter give his daughter away - a strange custom to a Jupiterian who lived in a matriarchal society and the king was mostly there to look handsome. Prime was Ohqeanos' best man, something Britt was a little sour about but at least he got to sit on the groom's side of the hall - away from the scary Jupiterian women that might turn into monsters, flowers or any other such imaginable objects. In fact, so many of Polly's family came that they took up extra space on the groom's, almost empty, side.

Polly and Ohqeanos went off to reside at Ohqeanos' old home in The Nest. Britt told him of his grandfather's scheme and Ohqeanos went on his own personal quest to seek out Asa and learn the truth with his own ears. Polly became an archaeologist by name, tomb raider by darkness. She was given a position in university where she spent just two days of the year giving lectures on the crazy stuff she found all over the world. She'd often call Britt for suggestions on artefacts and places that he may have knowledge of.

Nostradamus was taken back to his own time where he read through his copy of The NeS and transcribed Britt's adventures into a chronicle he called Britt: The Legend. It sold millions of copies but Britt in the novel was always assumed to be a folk lore, rather than the truth, and Britt, the brave hero that saved the Earth, was believed to have taken his name from that mythical hero from Nostradamus' books. Nostradamus also made a fortune predicting the end of the world. Which he predicted several times and several different ways, from asteroid to plot to dust. Each copy also sold well and Nostradamus was a very rich man by the time he died. Cheating his way to fame and fortune by rewriting excerpts from a book he'd stolen.

Britt was inducted into a special new team that the American government was putting together to vouch for American values and safeguard the world. Forcibly.

The man Britt had always called the Hulk was the group's first member and its mascot hero. The man had become a strong and powerful human being with super abilities that far outweighed the common man. His new role came complete with a new American-themed outfit and a new name - The Patriot.

Although The Patriot was the group's face, Britt was offered the role of team leader. And his first job was to recruit other members. First and foremost, Kaptin Kwanza became a member because the skeleton would be lost without Britt around. Britt had asked Ohqeanos to join, but the young man refused. His one adventure was enough for him and even Polly only ever acted as an associate for the group, offering advice or expertise on missions that required her skills.

Britt secured funding from the government to begin a project that would lead to the eventual creation of a spacestation designed to protect the Earth from the alien menace. Shady government types then informed him that they were going to merge the Hero Force project with another - DelphAI. Britt was quite pleased to meet an old acquaintance and was unsurprised that she and Kaptin Kwanza got on splendidly. They got to make undead and bone jokes all day long.

And now the team was going to be sent into the Vietnam war. But their mission wasn't to assist the American forces. It was to route out the Viet Cong's secret ally... the alien menace!

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Forty-Nine

Rock music plays at the Huey 'copter soared across the sky of Vietnam. Britt, crouched by the open doors, watches the Vietnamese people run from the flying machine - probably afraid of being shot by the massive gatling gun. But this wasn't a normal American war machine. They weren't there to score easy targets. In the distance, American soldiers were torching the jungles. The Patriot watched, on edge. He wanted to leap from the helicopter and join his fellow men in the heat, but he knew in his mind that they had a greater threat to deal with before this war was through.

Winters: "Master Britt, I'm picking up unusual chatter!"

The woman started to fiddle with her scanning equipment that while hi-tech, appeared to be surprisingly lo-tech in its aesthetics. Mostly because of the duct tape used to keep it tied to a cardboard box. She pulled her yellow-glass goggles over her eyes.

The Patriot: "How did you convince her to call you that?"

Britt: "I didn't. She insists."

Winters thrust a "V for victory" in Patriot's face.

The Patriot: "There's no room for peace here, buttercup."

Winters seemed to consider.

She, again, thrust her "V for victory" in Patriot's face.

The Patriot: "She's mentally deficient."

Winters: "You shouldn't talk like I'm not here."

Britt: "Let her concentrate on finding that nest."

Winters: "Ah! I knew I was doing something!"

Her hair is a short curly bob on the top of her head, which Britt long suspected was cut that way so she had to do little maintenance on it. Her skin was very pale, as though she spent very little time outside in the sun. Contrary to the period, she wore a red coat that resembled the old British red coats and was a little overly large for her. She also had an overly long scarf that was twice the size it ought to be and was wrapped several times around her neck. Strapped to her are an assortment of duct taped gadgets and bits of machinery.

Winters: "We're right above the hidden complex now."

Britt leaned out and looked down.

Britt: "You know we're right over the Red River Delta, right?"

The Patriot: "There's a tiny island there, pal. I bet a a Jovian cinnamon bun that's where they're at."

Britt: "No way! Of course they're down there!"

The Patriot tutted.

The Patriot: "Thought I was going to get a cinnamon bun out of you. Oh well. Want to rock-paper-scissors for first drop?"

Ms. Deep: "Sorry, gentlemen, but I believe it's ladies first."

The tall, sleek woman stood up. She was wearing a skin-tight catsuit of orange, gold and yellow camo pattern. To add to her height she wore platforms and her hair was styled into an afro. Without waiting for a response from her team mates she leapt from the plane.

Britt: "I hate it when she does that."

The Patriot: "You hired her."

Britt: "I'm a sucker for beautiful and extremely deadly women."

The Patriot: "Well, I'm next."

He jumped out before Britt could beat him to it. He looked down and saw two parachutes open up. He doubted Patriot needed the chute, but it would be better to finish the mission with all of his bones in tact.

Britt: "Keep in touch, Winters."

Winters: "Got it, Master Britt!"

She saluted with as stern a face she could manage - only making her look all the more adorable. Britt shook his head. Quite the team he had.

Britt: "Make sure the Company Kid doesn't get shot this time. I swear we shouldn't let them pilot the choppers."

Winters: "You can count on me!"

Britt: "I'd like to think so, Winters."

Britt jumped from the 'copter. Wind tugged at his clothes as he fell, his blue steampunk trenchcoat billowed and whipped out behind him. She formed as thin a shape as he could and sped downwards. He zipped by The Patriot's parachute and overheard a series of angry expletives from the genetically engineered hulk. Britt grinned to himself but regretted he hadn't "V for victory" signed at Patriot as he whirled by.

As he got close to the ground he drew up his energy and a geyser of tea drew up from the ground and slowed his fall until he came to a gentle stop on the sandy beach of the tiny island. Ms Deep unbuckled her chute, having beat him to the landing.

Ms. Deep: "Delightful, Boss."

Britt: "You shouldn't call me that."

Ms. Deep: "Too formal for you?"

Britt: "No. It's just too sexy with that silky voice of yours."

Ms. Deep shook her head but smiled.

Britt: "I'm being serious. It's absolutely distracting and I'm going to wind up a liability because I'm too busy listening to you calling me boss."

Ms. Deep: "Don't worry, Boss. When Deaction comes, I don't do much talking..."

Britt swallowed hard as he watched her walk off, further into the island. The thump of The Patriot's landing awoke him from his longing stare.

The Patriot: "You ain't got no chance, pal. That cat... way out of your league."

Britt: "Way to dash a guy's dreams."

The Patriot: "Just want your head in the game. This is it, pal. That moment when it all falls into place. The real conspirators are down there somewhere."

Britt: "I got it. Commies. I know."

The Patriot: "Alien Commies!"

The two men went after Ms. Deep, the infiltration expert. They didn't expect much resistance after she'd been through the area. They reached the bunker entrance. A grey and bland affair that was barely concealed by the foliage piled ontop of it. It'd work for anyone trying to spy it from the air, but didn't hold up from anyone stood in front of it. Ms. Deep was leaning against the doors.

Ms. Deep: "One for your Delectable friend in the sky."

Britt commed through to Winters.

Britt: "Winters. Can you open a door for us."

Winters: "Sure thing, Master Britt!"

Britt took out a steam-punk datapad he'd kept since his days when he walked with dinosaurs. He held it up to the keypad for the bunker and he could see, on his screen, Winters take control of it from her position in the sky. A moment later and Ms. Deep had to jump away from the door.

Ms. Deep: "I'll see you Dewonderful gentlemen up ahead."

She smiled at Britt again before she disappeared into the bunker.

The Patriot: "It's never going to happen."

Britt: "Oh c'mon!"

They stalked into the bunker. They found a few panels broken, which were likely controls for traps that Deep discovered and sabotaged. The lights were dim and the place appeared deserted.

The Patriot: "This isn't right."

Britt: "I think you might be right... for once."

The Patriot: "What--"

Winters voice suddenly burst over Britt's comm.

Winters: "We're being shot at! Oh noes!"

Britt: "Winters? What's happening!?"

Winters: "I'm in mega panic mode!"

Britt: "Who's shooting at you?"

Winters: "It's a UFO! Laser beams and cannons and L.E.D.s and everything!"

Britt: "L.E.D.s? Tell Company Kid to get out of here. We can get ourselves to safety."

Winters: "Too late! He's dead. He got shotted."

Britt: "What!? Why didn't you say so in the first place!? Winters, you need to jump from the helicopter!"

Winters: "Aye aye, Master Britt!"

Britt: "Use a parachute!!"

Winters: "Oh right yeah! Parachute and away!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!"

The Patriot: "And why do we have her on the team?"

Britt: "Pity..."

The main doors to the bunker suddenly slam shut and the lights go out. There's a sound in the air, like the static of a radio. Then a voice echoed from speakers installed in the walls.

Romanov: "So, you are the Hero Force One of America. Finally so good to meet you. You have been a thorn in my plans here in Vietnam for too long. But now I have you trapped like rats."

Britt: "It's our old friend..."

The Patriot: "He'd recognise you, but he won't recognise me I think. Not unless he were to pay real close attention anyway."

Britt: "Well, you have lost a few pounds since Jupiter. Haha!"

Romanov: "And Britt, I am sure you are there. You have caused me so much anguish in the past. Consider this my return in kind."

Suddenly lights turned back on and blinded the two of them. Through the haze of artificial light, Britt saw hidden doors all along the corridor open and from them stepped a man in strange white armour that Britt had never seen before. The man's face, however, he did recognise. They were The Last True Evil clones.

The Patriot: "That armour. It must be from the Commies alien friends."

Britt: "We have to get out of here!"

They ran, just as laser fire lit up the corridor and struck the wall where they'd been stood. A door panel opened and The Patriot grabbed the clone before he even had time to wake up from his induced slumber. The clone was left in a clump on the floor, but yet more panels were opening.

Britt: "How many are there!? How could Romanov produce so many so quickly! He'd only made a few the last time I saw him in the Himalayas!"

TLTE: "These clone soldiers are nothing to be feared."

Britt: "What they lack in your strength, Patriot, they're making up for with their numbers!"

Britt caused a massive wave of tea to gush down the corridor ahead of them, pushing TLTEs with it and short-circuiting several unopened panels along the way.

The Patriot ran after the wave, moving almost as fast as the water did, and slammed any unfortunate enough to still be reeling from the tea wave. The tea crashed into a wall and lost its momentum. Soldiers turned that very corner but were met at close-quarters with the raging American war machine. His fist crashed into the face of one clone and sent his legs flying up into the air while his head went to the ground. He then grabbed two heads of TLTEs and smashed them together. The final TLTE managed to punch The Patriot in the face. This just made the hulk angry. Britt watched the TLTE clone fly by him and slide along the wet floor somewhere behind him. Then the lasers started again and Britt was quick to jump around the bend.

The Patriot stormed ahead again, taking out anyone foolish enough to appear before him. Britt, however, was suddenly taken unawares when a panel slid open and the TLTE clone leapt out at him. He used his laser carbine to try to strangle the tea-blooded hero. But it didn't last long as, from the shadows, emerged the infiltrator who quickly sent a neural surge through the TLTE's brain with the neurolyser she had attached to her hand. The TLTE shuddered and then slumped to the floor in a stupor.

Ms. Deep: "You are deasterously unobservant, Boss."

Britt: "Thanks, Ms. Deep."

Ms. Deep: "You are, shall we say, Dewelcome."

She smiled again and took his hand. They then ran after The Patriot. Their progress brought them to an unusual room with what appeared to be a bottomless pit below them and a metallic walkway suspended over said pit.

Britt: "You've got to be kidding me. Who the Hell would design a room like this!?"

The Patriot: "Communist design. They couldn't afford a floor."

Britt: "Uh... right. Maybe we should find another way."

The Patriot: "What's wrong with the walkway? The door's just there."

Britt: "Seriously? An ominous walkway suspended over a bottomless pit? Obviously it's going to collapse and we'll end up dangling over oblivion."

The Patriot: "Well, I'm happy to go back and fight my way out."

Britt: "On second thought, let's try the bridge after all."

The Patriot went first and made it all the way across without a hitch. Britt rolled his eyes. He let Ms. Deep go next after deducing if the bridge would break better it broke on him and not someone more mortal - and it always broke on the last man across.

When she was over he went next. Carefully. Slowly. The bridge shuddered and trembled. Then he was over. No problems.

Britt: "Huh. Breaking convention here!"

Suddenly the door in front of them exploded. The Patriot was knocked to the ground but Ms. Deep, being much lighter, was sent flying. She skidded onto the bridge, which then gave way and she fell. Britt reached out and caught her wrist.

Britt: "I've got you!"

Ms. Deep: "Britt! Britt! Please... my brother is at the Magium but I want him to join you and this team. Promise you'll take him!"

Britt: "This isn't a time for recruitment!"

Ms. Deep: "I can't hold on! Promise me!"

Britt: "I- I promise! Just... don't... let... go!!"

He felt his grip slipping and the sweat of anxiety made their hands slippery. Then his hold failed and their hands were separated. She screamed. But it was short-lived. The Patriot's powerful arm hand appeared and grabbed the woman's arm about her elbow. He yanked her up like she weighed nothing and deposited her on the floor. TLTE clones that had blown up the door lay in a pile.

Britt: "Wow... thank God."

The Patriot: "Indeed. Thank God for imbuing me with the strength I have."

Ms. Deep breathed deeply as she tried to collect herself.

Ms. Deep: "Thank you, Patriot. And Britt, thank you too. Sorry for losing my cool."

Britt: "Don't worry about it. I lost mine too. What about now? We Decool?"

Ms. Deep: "We Decool."

She smiled and lowered her head to kiss him. She then walked away after running a hand down his face.

The Patriot: "You know it was me that saved you, right?"

Britt sauntered after her with a broad grin on his face. Then his comms activated again and he was relieved to hear the sweet voice of Winters.

Winters: "Master Britt! I'm in!"

Britt: "In where?"

Winters: "The bunker of course! Where else?"

Britt: "What? How!?"

Winters: "Through the front door! I mean, I had to haxxorz my way through it but I got there in the end!"

Britt: "Winters! Turn around and run away! Now!"

Winters: "Waaaaaaah! There's a lot of mean guys in here! They all look the same!! I must have eaten some bad candy again."

Britt: "We need to find her."

Ms. Deep: "She can't be far from-- look out!"

A large table came flying at them. Britt and Ms. Deep threw themselves to the ground to avoid it. The Patriot headbutted the table, shattering it into splinters. Before them stood a TLTE clone unlike the rest. He wore a black suit with a technological panel on the chest. In his hand was a light-sword similar to the one he'd seen in the hands of Decline.

TLTE the Darth Vader Ripoff: "Surrender to the dark side of the Story! You know it's your destiny!"

The Patriot: "Whatever that means."

The Patriot, without thinking any further, leapt over his two prone allies and charged at the TLTE clone. With a wave of his hand, The Patriot was sent soaring through the air and smacked into a wall. Britt got to his feet and threw a few quick bursts of tea at the black-clad TLTE. Unfortunately the villain, somehow, used his lightsabre to deflect the tea back at Britt.

Britt: "How can you deflect tea!?"

TLTE the Darth Vader Ripoff: "Search your feelings, Britt. You know... I am your father!"

Britt: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!"

Ms. Deep shook Britt.

Ms. Deep: "You don't really believe that do you!? Britt! Stop being so gullible!"

The Patriot, meanwhile, had gotten to his feet and managed to reach TLTE quickly enough to land a punch to the gut. TLTE grunted and staggered back but rose his light sabre to defend himself. Britt threw more tea at the villain. Either TLTE would be distracted by the tea and lose focus on Patriot, or he'd keep focus on Patriot and be struck by tea.

Instead TLTE jumped, using the Force, ridiculously high into the air and landed back down again further away in the room.

TLTE the Darth Vader Ripoff: "I am now the Master!"

Britt: "Only a master of evil, TLTE!"

Suddenly a ventilation grid rattled and dropped on TLTE's head and crushed him instantly. Sitting ontop of the grid was agent Winters.

Ms. Deep: "She's heavier than she looks!"

Winters: "Yay! Master Britt! I was so afeared all by my lonesome self! These mean guys are everywhere!"

The Patriot: "You're safe now, cupcake. Now be a good lass and find us a way out of here so I can nail some more of these clowns and catch that fool Romanov."

Winters: "Already plotted a course, Patriot Guy!"

She saluted at him, her long sleeved draped over her hand.

The Patriot: "Just tell me the way and I'll clear us a path."

This she did. The Patriot charged on, smashing TLTE clones left, right and centre with Ms. Deep and Britt dealt with those lucky enough to escape the hulk's wrath. Finally they reach a set of doors that agent Winters said would lead them back to the surface - though a different entrance that the one they'd taken to get inside the bunker. She made short work of the door's lock and it slid open. They found they had made it to the mainland and were in the middle of a dense jungle.

Britt: "Uh-oh. We have to be careful here. There's bound to be Viet Cong hidden in the trees..."

The Patriot: "And those Commie clones!"

Winters: "And little teddy bears with sticks!"

They look at Winters.

She remained oblivious.

They entered the jungle and crept as silently through the shrubbery as they could. Ever careful for traps that may have been laid out. Britt felt his heart beat loudly in his ears. He didn't care much for the Communist versus Capitalism war, but the Viet Cong wouldn't take the time to discern where his loyalties actually lay. The Patriot, on the other hand, seemed rearing to go.

Britt felt something strange underfoot. He put his hand to the ground and felt it tremble. Then the shaking became more noticeable.

Winters: "Some things very big are coming this way."

Britt: "Group together and get ready for anything."

Trees crashed and were mowed down as several massive metal structures burst from the jungle. They were big, grey and appeared to have rabbit-like ears.

A speaker on one of the rabbit walkers sounded out.

Admiral Thrawn: "This is Admiral Thrawn on behalf of the Galactic Empire. I order you to throw down your weapons and surrender immediately."

Britt: "Who?"

Admiral Thrawn's voice balked.

Admiral Thrawn: "Did you just ask who!? Who!? I am the greatest tactical genius this world will ever encounter! And right now I am your captor. Unless you want to become bloodstains on the bottom of my walkers' feet."

The Patriot: "You must be the alien empire in league with the God damn Commies!"

Admiral Thrawn: "Indeed we have struck an accord with your Soviet Union."

Ms. Deep: "An empire is fascist isn't it? What're fascists doing allying with communists?"

Admiral Thrawn: "If I provide weapons and technology to your Soviet Union, they'll do all of the fighting for us. Your countries enter your Third World War and destroy yourselves. Thus leaving your world an easily occupied planet in the name of the Empire."

Britt: "Thanks for telling us your plan. Thought you were a genius?"

Admiral Thrawn: "I tell you because I like to show off. And I know you'll be dead in a moment."

Britt: "They always say that."

The Patriot: "Time to show them why we're Hero Force One!"

Britt fired a geyser of tea underneath The Patriot, sending him flying up quickly into the air. He landed on one of the Rabbit Walkers and punched a hole into its face, trying to grab the men driving it. Likewise, Britt sent Ms. Deep flying up to another walker where she set charges to the top of it. She jumped back down and let the explosions rip the metal canopy apart. The explosion shook the area and set fire to the trees nearby.

Britt: "That's going to attract attention from everyone. We should finish this quickly."

Agent Winters was stood on the foot of one of the walkers, apparently unfazed that it was trying to shake her off. She was busy tapping away on the console she had duct taped to herself. Then the walker stopped dead. Then the hatch on top popped open and the storm troopers, who were not TLTEs, climbed out struggling with the sudden surge in heat that Winters had caused within the cockpit.

Winters: "Master Britt! I bring a present for you!"

Britt: "Yeah, because I'll be able to pick up chicks in this time for sure..."

Ms. Deep: "Well, I'm Dethrilled."

Britt: "Good work, Winters!"

Winters: "Thank you, Master Britt! I work hard to please you!"

Britt: "How the buggery are we supposed to get into that thing anyway?"

Later, after a lot of climbing, Britt, Ms. Deep and agent Winters were all inside the Rabbit Walker. The Patriot stood on top of the cockpit, growling at the jungle. The walker stomped and stomped its way through the trees, knocking them aside. Above they heard an American plane fly overhead, likely spraying chemicals into the jungle to kill the foliage. Not a particularly honourable method of attack in Britt's opinion, but they were supposed to be on his side. Fortunately the poison wouldn't have an affect on those inside the walker and The Patriot's bioengineering meant he was practically invulnerable to disease, illness and the ever popular spy method of poisoning.

Winters: "I just received a message, Master Britt. Kaptin Kwanza is en route! In his new spaceship!"

Britt: "Great. I have a feeling we'll find our new friend in orbit around Earth. Is everyone up for a bit of star trekking?"

Britt: The Legend - Chapter 50 (Finale)

Kaptin Kwanza: "Don't worry, mates! The Jolly Wanker will make it through in one piece!"

Ms. Deep: "You mean there'll be just a single piece left after the Imperials are done with it?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Hurt a man's pride, you know?"

Ms. Deep: "Can you be called a man without a... manhood?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "I resemble that accusation. I mean RESENT!!"

They're stood on the command deck of the Jolly Wanker, a ship that Kwanza had apparently won in a game of poker against several space-faring individuals that came to visit the Earth. Of course most of them had ever played poker before so he had a fair advantage.

The command deck has a raised rear where several seats allow officers to sit down and buckle in, while down the front is a bank of four computers - each allowing controls of the ship with different specific functions. Britt sat at the back with Kaptin Kwanza. Ms. Deep, an expert with electronics, was already at home with the pilot's control bank. Next to her was Winters, an already established computer genius, who was on the scanning bank. Because The Patriot didn't know his arse from a Magnavox Odyssey, he was using one of Sega's arcade light guns mounted to the weapons bank and aimed at the large window at the fore of the ship.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Agent Winters, report."

Winters: "The alien vessel is... 1,600 metres in length. It's an Imperial-II class Star Destroyer and the command ship for the Galactic Empire. It has a cloaking device, computerised combat predictor and metal-crystal phase shifters. Six complement TIE squadrons, proton torpedo launchers and... too many to mount turbo-laser batteries..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Uh... right..."

Winters: "It was built at Kuat Drive Yards. It underwent an upgrade from grade one to grade two during the Ga--"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Right! Okay! Yes. That was all super helpful and all but... put a bloody sock in it."

Kaptin Kwanza rolled his eyes. Or he would have if he had any.

Britt: "Winters. He didn't mean that literally."

Winters put her boot back on.

Ms. Deep: "Sounds like this behemoth will likely tear us apart. Are we still going in, Boss?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Yes! Oh you were talking to Britt..."

Britt: "Our ship might be out-matched, but we have one thing that that monster doesn't!"

Everyone looked at him expectantly.

Britt: "Just gimme some time to figure out what that is..."

Winters: "Teleporters, Master Britt!"

Britt: "Aha! Teleporters!"

Winters: "And coffee machines. And a massage parlour--"

Britt eyed Kaptin Kwanza. The skeleton shrugged.

Winters: "A half-eaten banana, a species of geranium that Kaptin Kwanza called Lisa--"

Kaptin Kwanza shrugged again.

Winters: "A stack of two hundred porn magazines--"

Kaptin Kwanza jumped to his feet.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Okay! Teleporter it is!"

Ms. Deep: "We're really going to teleport over there? Dare I ask Winters what the troop numbers are on that thing?"

Winters: "Well--"

Britt: "Actually I have another idea... Kaptin, can we teleport another object off of this ship?"

----------

Grand Admiral Thrawn: "Ah. Seems I win."

Highemperor: "God dammit! Why won't my powerplaying power allow me to beat you?"

Grand Admiral Thrawn: "Powerplaying? Sir, have you been trying to cheat?"

Highemperor: "Uh... this never ha-- whoa! What the heck!?"

Something appeared in a Star Trek whir of light and noise, sitting on their dejerik bord. Highemperor's eyes widened when he realised it was a photon torpedo. He threw the table aside and exerted his will so that a protective shield engulfed him. The photon torpedo activated and red energy radiated violently from it. The entire room was suddenly a blur of red and from outside the Chimaera an explosion erupted from that section of the ship.

As the explosion died down, Highemperor lowered his shield.

Grand Admiral Thrawn: "Seems I'll have to forgive you for cheating at dejarik as you helped me cheat death this day. Seems these Earth heroes were underestimated this day. I'll have to have my quarters refitted and return to Earth with a new plan..."

He gingerly stepped through the remains of the door just as two stormtroopers ran over to him.

Grand Admiral Thrawn: "We retreat for repairs. But on the way out, pay our aggressor a little farewell. Aim for their bridge."

The stormtroopers jogged off while Thrawn turned back to his guest.

Highemperor: "... how about... poker?"

------------

Britt and crew cheered with victory when the Imperial Star Destroyer turned tail. A disco ball dropped from the ceiling and disco dancing ensued. Even The Patriot entered the spirit of things. All this dancing, however, meant nobody noticed the streaks of lasers headed straight towards them. Their ship was tiny enough, and their shields strong enough, to evade or absorb all but one laser. It struck the bridge window and those closest were hit first, Britt and Kaptin last...

Britt opened his eyes. All manner of pain lurched from one side of his body to the next and back again. He looked down and saw his blood spilled but he didn't know where from. He reached out and found a single bone belonging to Kwanza. He had no idea which bone it was but he was pretty sure the Kaptin could be duct taped back together again. In the dim red emergency lighting he wasn't likely to find the rest of Kwanza so he left the bone where he found it and crawled forward. He looked up and saw that the emergency shutters had slammed down the moment of impact, protecting everyone inside from the cruelty of the void outside. He then found something else. Winters' severed head.

He grabbed it in shock.

Britt: "Winters! Are you alright!?"

He eyes flickered open.

Winters: "Master Britt! I'm in trouble again..."

Britt: "You always are, Winters..."

Winters: "Trouble's my middle name, you know?"

Britt: "Sure it is..."

Winters: "I appear to have lost my body..."

Britt: "Well... I can see an arm... and maybe your big toe."

Winters: "I was always very fond of my big... toe... Master Britt... I'm... cold..."

Her eyes closed and Britt was left to play with her hair.

Britt: "Don't worry, Winters. I'll get them to repair you. I promise."

The Patriot: "Britt... your robot is not the one you should worry about..."

Patriot was on one knee. If anyone could survive being struck by a turbo-laser to the face - it would be the ultimate American. But The Patriot's gaze fell on someone else. Britt, somewhat unceremoniously, handed The Patriot the unfortunate Winters' head and crawled over to another prone body.

She was in one piece, unlike Winters, except for a rather large hole through her stomach. Something but had passed straight through Ms. Deep and must have been lying somewhere at the back of the room. Britt shook her but she, also unlike Winters, couldn't wake up again...

There was a shuddering in the ship. Britt frowned. The shuddering felt... ominous. Like destiny. He had time to look up one last time as a chunk of the ceiling fell down on him and the body of Ms. Deep.

----------

Britt: "Knocked out by a piece of debris. I'm going to look a right fool when I finally Wake up again."

The Negotiator smiled at Britt.

The Negotiator: "I'm sorry, my son. But this is the end of the road. The End of your Story. We've reached the final chapter. There's no more Awakening for you."

Britt: "Wait, what!? Seriously? That's it!? Killed by a plank of metal?"

The Negotiator: "Apparently so."

He waved his hand and the blackness of Britt's mind was replaced with white. Then Britt realised it wasn't white, it was sky. He was standing in the clouds.

Britt: "A little cliché don't you think?"

The Negotiator laughed slightly and began to walk towards a massive, white palace with golden spires which looks much like a middle-eastern mosque. Flying around the skies were angels of all shapes and sizes. Britt suddenly glared at The Negotiator.

Britt: "You're the Christian God!?"

The Negotiator: "For now it seems."

Britt: "Whatever that means? You could have given me a heads up!"

God: "An interesting choice of words considering how you died."

Britt: "Ho ho ho. You have a sense of humour. A bad sense of humour."

God: "Well, this is Heaven, my son. You don't have to stick around and talk with me all the time. I just wanted to thank you for paving the way for the ultimate creation. The Never-ending Story."

Britt: "Well, I could find all the crazy wackos I've met over the... however long I lived. Actually I want to see Ms. Deep. Make sure she's okay."

God: "Okay?"

Britt: "Bad choice of words considering, I know. I just want to see her."

God: "Well, I'm sorry to tell you that is impossible..."

Britt: "Why!?"

God: "She's not here."

Britt: "I saw her body. She was dead before me."

God: "Yes she is dead. But she is not here in Heaven..."

Britt: "You mean--? But why!? She's one of us! A good guy! A hero!"

God: "Well, I won't get into the subjectivity of that, however she's not here for a very good reason. She sold her soul... to the Devil."

Britt: "She... did?"

God: "There's nothing I can do about it. I saw the contract that she signed. She's in Hell now."

Britt: "No... but why would she sell her soul?"

God: "Power? Wealth? Why does anyone sell their soul?"

Britt: "You mean you don't know? But I have to see her!"

God: "You mean you wish to go to Hell?"

Britt: "If I must."

God: "There is no returning from that."

Britt: "Seriously? Just for a visit?"

God: "The boundaries between the two realms have to be controlled."

Britt: "But... I know she's not supposed to be down there!"

God: "Then go. Your final adventure..."

Britt: "Fine. Thanks for nothing."

God didn't reply, he simply opened a gateway. As soon as it opened, high above the raging fires of Hell, Britt could sense a longing from within. A longing to be where he was. He hesitated. Was it worth going down there just to satisfy his curiosity. He shrugged to himself. If there was a small chance of saving the soul of his friend, he'd have to go. God smiled.

God: "Good luck."

Britt: "I don't believe in luck. Just myself."

God: "Good."

Britt stepped through and plummeted down and down. Until he smacked into the ground with a strike that should have rendered his body in pieces. Fortunately he was already dead. He pushed himself up to his feet and found that he was surrounded by several demons. Succubi.

Succubus #1: "Hello."

Her voice was sensual and inviting, even with just a single and innocuous word. They were wearing clothes, but Britt was sure he'd seen more material on prostitutes. One of the women came up behind him and slid her hands over his chest.

Britt: "Wow. This is a better welcome than I got in Heaven."

Succubus #2: "And we'll do much, much more for you yet!"

The succubus behind him smelt the skin on his neck.

Succubus #3: "I can smell it on him. I smell Heaven."

Suddenly the succubi were crowding in and trying to smell Heaven's scent on his skin. They pulled off his coat - apparently he was wearing the clothes he died in. Lucky he hadn't died in his pyjamas.

He began to get uncomfortable and tried to duck out of the crowd of succubi but he was stopped by them. He tried harder and they restrained him more forcibly. They evidently weren't going to left him go.

Stan: "Oi! You lot! Clear off!"

The succubi jumped and hissed at the demon striding towards them. All red, big horns and an angry face. Evidently this was Satan himself.

Stan: "I said shoo! Bloody things. I swear, they see a new plaything and you're on your back for the next two months."

Britt: "I'll be honest, there's got to be worse fates."

Stan: "Teeth. They have teeth..."

Britt pointed at his mouth in confusion but Satan shook his head and pointed downwards. Britt squirmed with horror.

Stan: "Thought I'd save you the trouble of having to reattach your knob every hour."

He slapped his huge hand on Britt's arm. A Heavenly spark hiccoughed from the area and Satan retracted his hand quickly.

Stan: "Whoa. Gonna have to be careful around you."

He took out a notebook and flipped through it, mumbling "Britt, Britt, Britt" until he eventually found the page he was looking for. He hand a large, red finger down the list until he reached Britt's name.

Stan: "Ah. Well, you're a free spirit it seems. Chose to be here. Lucky you. No torture pits."

Britt: "That's good to know. Actually, you're probably the perfect person to speak to. I'm looking for someone. She sold her soul to you. Her name is-- was Ms. Deep."

Satan frowned.

Stan: "I don't remember anyone with a name like that. She sounds like a porn star so I really would remember someone like that! Let me check my list."

He started flipping through pages. He squinted at the words, then pulled out a pair of thick-rimmed spectacles and blinked.

Stan: "Aha! There we go. Not me, I'm afraid. She sold her soul to the Devil himself."

Britt: "Uh... you're not Satan?"

Stan: "Well... yes I am. I'm actually Stan. But everyone called me Satan. I was ruler of Hell some time ago. But now I'm just a Supervisor. I Supervise this lot--"

He motioned to the succubi who were all hiding behind a rock and peeking out at them. Britt thought they actually looked quite cute until, when they noticed him looking, they flashed him. Teeth. Britt shivered.

Stan: "I've been here since... well, since God took over. Wish I could find a way to get out of it. It was better was I was the Devil, you know? Easier. Now I get no respect. Especially not from these little sods. Oi! But it away! Nobody wants to see that!"

Britt nodded in sympathy.

Stan: "If you think they're bad, wait til you see the incubi. A whole world of trouble they are."

Britt: "I'd really rather not. But... did you say God took over?"

Stan: "He did. But in preparation for this... new world they're creating up there, he put someone else in charge down here. Promoted, actually."

Britt: "And is that who Ms. Deep sold her soul to?"

Stan: "That's right. I can book you an appointment to meet the Devil and you can talk about your porn star friend then. Wish it was me. Or even just to be free of this place. Go travelling or something, you know? See the world. Better to rule in Hell than to serve... in Hell. Or just get the Hell outta dodge, right?"

Britt: "Right... I think you should considering see a therapist, Stan. Sounds like you need to really... get it all out."

Stan: "Maybe you're right. If I could touch someone with a pure soul, I'd be able to use that divine power to expel myself from Hell. Or merge with it and become freakin' awesome. Not sure which would happen to be honest. But I'd be happy with either."

Britt: "Seriously. Therapist. You'll feel better."

Britt: The Legend - Cont.

Stan: "Okay, okay. I got it. You have somewhere to be. Just follow the path here all the way to that ominous castle there. Not the ominous castle with the gnarled towers, the one with the grotesque gargoyles. That's right. And be careful, those gargoyles like to crap on unsuspecting visitors."

Britt: "Thanks for the warning."

Stan waved a big hand at Britt and went back to herding the succubi, who started complaining that Britt was leaving. Saved by Satan was not something Britt had expected to put on his resumé. He followed the path as told. It extended out to a bridge that towered over Hell below. He saw pits of evil and torture that made him divert his eyes. It was hard to imagine anyone down here, let alone his friends. Huge monsters roamed the land, sometimes torturing stray souls. One massive eye, twice the size of Britt, rose up beside him. It looked at it and then, idly, the giant creature wandered off. Britt breathed deep and continued along the bridge until he found himself before the massive gate. There was, fortunately, a smaller, human-sized door that he could knock on. He eyes the gargoyles, who grumbled that they'd been spotted when they tried to gather above him, their backsides poised. The door swung open and a small imp ushered him inside and pointed to a circle on the ground. Britt stood on it, confused and, in a flash, he was teleported elsewhere. He stood in a long empty room with tall pillars and, at the far end, a huge throne made of human skulls. He approached the person seated there.

Britt: "Uh... are you the Devil?"

The woman threw back her black veil and crossed her, now bare, leg over the other. Her skin was stark white, far paler than any Caucasian human. All down her leg is a tattoo that likely went the rest of the way up her body to extend to the tattoo that extended up her neck and then covered her, otherwise, beautiful face with a tattoo mask of death - skull-like, black marks etched into her skin. Her hair is also white, verging on pale grey, and long, draping over her shoulders. She wore a black white, sleek dress over her tattooed body that might have looked appropriate at an evening party of the 21st century. Its cuts revealed her leg to one side and a low cut to her cleavage, revealing more tattooed skin. To match, she wore a pair of crystal high-heeled shoes on her dainty feet. From behind her come two tattered and worn out wings. Moulted, old and weathered they move creakingly, as though rarely used or thought of. She stared at Britt with steel blue eyes that almost glowed in the darkness of the room.

Lucyifer: "I am Lucyfer and I am the one you seek."

Britt: "Lucifer? I think I heard about him from the priests. Isn't Lucifer a fallen angel?"

Lucyfer sighed and waggled her limp wings.

Britt: "Ah right. Of course. So... Lucifer is a woman! The priests'll love that you know? Roman Catholics are really... kind of sexist."

Lucyfer smiled.

Lucyfer: "Well, well. I think I like your attitude. I've always said atheists belong in Hell."

Britt: "I think a few feminists would prefer to come here instead of being under a patriarch upstairs too."

Lucyfer laughed. It was the laugh of a woman in charge. Powerful, comfortable to the user but not comforting to the listener.

Britt: "I never expected the Devil to be so... attractive. Yet terrifying."

Lucyfer smiled again.

Lucyfer: "It's a pleasure to know I still have some effect on mortal men. But tell me. Why are you here?"

Britt: "A friend of mine sold her soul to you, apparently. I've come to find out why."

Lucyfer: "And try to bargain for her soul, I presume? This should be fun. What is your friend's name, human?"

Britt: "Ms. Deep."

Lucyfer: "Aha. Those are sweet tears I shall never forget."

Britt found it hard to imagine Ms. Deep crying.

Lucyfer: "She is a great asset to me. One of my very own souls, bound not to Hell but to me and me alone. Your bargain had better be a powerful one."

Britt: "But... why did she sell her soul? Why would she possibly do that?"

Lucyfer: "I'm pretty sure there's some confidentiality clause on the contract..."

Britt looked downcast.

Lucyfer: "But I'm the Devil, so ***** it. She sold her soul to save the life of her brother. He was diagnosed with cancer when he was nine-years-old. One his tenth birthday he was hospitalised and expected to die that day. He was as brave as a little boy could be. But he still cried. Cried for his mother. Cried for his big sister. Your friend was already a gangster's bodyguard. What had she to lose? She threw her lot in with me. I saved the boy and, from the wreckage, the boy not only recovered but recovered fitter and stronger than ever before. He's now able to tap into the latent magic that lurked within his family's genetics. Off to train at the Magium and become a great... wizard? I have no idea what they call themselves."

Britt: "So she... did it to save her brother..."

Britt knew Ms. Deep couldn't have been so deluded to throw her soul away for nothing. He could well imagine, after that fact, she went and cleaned up her act, joined the government and became a force for good. American good at least. But something twigged in Britt's mind.

Britt: "You know... I'm an ordained priest?"

Lucyfer readjusted herself in her throne as she licked her lips at him.

Lucyfer: "Excellent. I'm going to enjoy abusing someone as pure as you. Though an atheist priest seems like an oxymoron to me."

Britt: "It kind of is. I consider myself to be more of an honorary priest. But I did have to sit down and read a few rules. And one thing that comes to mind is the whole concept of sacrifice..."

Lucyfer's happy demeanour suddenly dropped.

Britt: "If someone sacrifice's themselves, then they go to Heaven, right? Signing the rights of one's soul is effectively the same thing, surely?"

Lucyfer: "It was a pact made between myself and the client, it is none of Heaven's business."

Britt: "Are you sure about that?"

Lucyfer smiled again, but this time it was cruel.

Lucyfer: "If God Almighty truly cared, wouldn't your friend be in Heaven right now?"

Britt: "Since coming down here I've had this itching all over me. I realised what it was when Stan hit my arm. Heaven came with me."

Light blossomed beside Britt and Lucyfer shielded her eyes from the glare of the holy light.

God: "Lucy, it would seem you've been playing tricks again..."

Lucyfer growled openly at God.

Lucyfer: "I've just taken a leaf from your book, Father. Contracts are a means to power. I'll have them and then... there'll be a day of reckoning."

God: "Actually... there won't. You've broken the terms of your own contract, Lucy. Breaking the Divine Laws means you have not been fulfilling your role as Devil. When I gave you that throne, I expected to get a true Devil, worthy of the new Story we're coming into. But now I realise I need a different kind of adversary..."

Lucyfer: "No! You can't--!"

Lucyfer is propelled back into her throne with a single glare from God. Apparently he didn't like fallen angels telling him what he can and cannot do. God opened his hand and a contract appeared. Then it went up in flames.

God: "You will return to your former duties as a prince of Hell, rather than its king."

Britt: "And Ms. Deep?"

God: "She can go to Heaven. You are right, it was self-sacrifice for another. The Devil's contract stated she wasn't to be making such contracts that break my rules for mortal man. In older days such a contract would have been acceptable and would have taken precedence, but these days I'm keeping a tighter reign over Hell and the one appointed as Devil."

Britt: "Better to reign in Hell and Heaven?"

God: "You might say that."

Lucyfer then laughed.

Lucyfer: "Fine. Whatever. You win. But that one is now mine."

She held out her hand and Britt felt himself aetherially dragged through the room and was then in Lucyfer's arms. She looked down at him.

Lucyfer: "I am going to have you in ways you never imagined..."

Britt: "Uh... you don't have teeth do you?"

She frowned for a moment before it dawned on her.

Lucyfer: "I am not a succubus."

Britt: "Thank God! Then I think I'm happy with this fate."

She smiled maliciously and gave a light chuckle before her voice grew menacing.

Lucyfer: "Trust me, the pleasure will be all mine."

She yanked his neck, causing pain to shoot through his skull.

God: "Actually... technically Britt did all of this out of... well, self-sacrifice. He's free to return to Heaven."

God snapped his fingers and Britt was teleported to stand beside God again. Lucyfer's anger was about to boil over, she physically clenched her fists in frustration.

Lucyfer: "No! He's mine! You can't take him from me! He did this to me! He will p--"

God: "No... he will return with me to Heaven."

Britt pulled a tongue at her.

Lucyfer: "Wait... you haven't stripped me of my rank yet. My last act! I will grant your pet life again!"

God: "What?"

She extended her hand, long and sharp nails in a clutching motion. Britt felt himself shaking unnaturally. Then he rose up into the air, as did Lucyfer.

Lucyfer: "Return to your life, human. But remember, I'll be there at the end of it. I will find a way to claim you and you'll be all mine."

Britt: "It'll be in my interest not to get killed then, eh?"

She drew close to him.

Lucyfer: "Better men have tried."

Britt: "And did you want their souls?"

She cocked her head.

Lucyfer: "No?"

Britt: "Then how can they be better than me? God and the Devil are fighting over my soul. Hahaha!"

Lucyfer, however, laughed too. She drew in to his ear.

Lucyfer: "You wouldn't know this. But as Prince of Hell, my deadly sin... is pride."

As he panicked he was lifted up and she called out from below him.

Lucyfer: "I look forward to seeing you again... Britticus the Sleeper!"

----------

Britt sat bolt upright with a gasp. The Patriot was holding the piece of ceiling that had landed on him.

The Patriot: "Whoa. How are you still alive, pal? No normal guy could survive that!"

Britt smirked.

Britt: "I guess I'm no ordinary g--"

He paused and thought. If there was one deadly sin he'd have to try and drop it was that one. He got to his feet and considered. There were a few individuals Britt knew who were immortal... more so than Britt now was. If he could find a way to cheat death...

Britt: "We need to get back to Earth and bury Ms. Deep... she died one of the most honourable people I've ever met."

The Patriot rose an eyebrow.

The Patriot: "I guess you know her better than I do..."

Britt: "I do..."

-------------

Britt checked out his blue trenchcoat. All mended and not a patch to be seen. He put it on. Thousands of years old and it still fit like a glove. Under the trenchcoat he wore a broad-collared, sky blue shirt that was open to reveal plenty of 70s chest hair. He wore a pair of white flares and platform shoes, though the platform was fairly small. The Patriot, who had handed him the coat, saluted and Britt saluted back.

Britt: "Team's all yours now, fella. It's a shame you'll need an all new roster."

The Patriot: "That's alright. Probably for the best. I can get the exact team I need. I wish you were staying though..."

They shook hands, but Britt winced from The Patriot's firm grip until he let go. Britt wrung his unfortunate hand.

Britt: "Sorry dude, I have other kinds of work ahead of me now. Kaptin Kwanza's decided living aboard that ship of his is where he belongs. Can't blame him really, he's followed me around for long enough I think. Wish he had a better name for that ship though..."

The Patriot: "Well, now you have your robot to follow you around instead."

Winters trotted over to them and saluted but her long sleeve slapped her in the face. The Patriot shook his head but Britt just laughed.

Britt: "Kind of like having her around. This time she's going to be my new butler or something. Don't want to drag her into trouble again."

Winters: "But Trouble's my middle name, Master Britt!"

Britt: "It is, you're right. But that's because you're so inept you're Trouble to everyone around you."

Winters: "I...! I don't understand."

Britt patted her shoulder. Eagerly she grabbed a bag of Britt's. Her robot strength meant she barely noticed the weight and Britt decided being gentlemanly to a super-strong robot would be a wasted gesture.

Britt: "Oh wait. One last thing. I have a candidate for you to consider. He's a magic user. Incredible levels of talent I've been told by the Magium fellas..."

----------

It was May 1975 Britt held his hand to blot out the bright sun of the Egyptian sky. Although the British war in Egypt had been twenty years ago, tempers towards the British were still fairly hot from time to time. Fortunately British ships were helping the Egyptians clear the Suez Canal, the same area Britain had fought over all that time ago, of mines laid during the last Egyptian war just a few years earlier. This meant Britt was welcome enough at most places. The fact that he was working at the Barkeep at a local pub also meant most drinkers considered him their best friend. But the bar was just his source of income to pay the bills and keep Winters well oiled. His real reason for being in Egypt was the secretive building named the Great Library. It's door only appeared for those who knew where to look and inside was a temple of knowledge from across the entire multiverse. It's many doors inside would open and lead to new and exciting Stories, worlds and worlds of knowledge. But Britt was here for one purpose alone. He had to figure out how to survive death and avoid the clutches of his new best friend.

He walked up the stone steps and opened the doors to the Great Library. The building should have been obvious to anyone, standing proud and tall in the middle of Egypt. And yet nobody could see it, nobody noticed it. No cameras, no magics, no psychics could see the building - unless they knew it was there. Britt entered and before long he was sat in his usual spot with a mountain of books. He was sat there for five minutes before he noticed a figure sat beside him, her legs up on the table. She had, somehow, developed a psychic connection between him and herself. Nobody else could see or detect her because she wasn't really there. She was in his mind, like a bad seed.

Lucyfer: "What book is it today, my love?"

Britt rolled his eyes and tried to ignore her.

Lucyfer: "Oh, are you in a mood with me again? And we had such friendly talks the last time!"

Britt: "Last time I was alone. And drunk. Now I'm in a public place and very sober."

He glanced around to make sure no one thought he was crazy. Fortunately there was only one other person at a table nearby and he was wearing Mickey Mouse headphones, complete with ridiculous big ears.

Lucyfer: "I like it when you're drunk. You're much more fun!"

Britt: "And much more distracted from these books."

Lucyfer: "You can't cheat your way out of it, Britt. You'll come to me, one way or another."

She leant over and stroked his neck.

Lucyfer: "Come on, baby. I promise I'm not angry any more. I'll be nice to you..."

Then her hand gripped his neck and started to choke him.

Lucyfer: "...from time to time!"

She grinned maliciously as she bore down on him. He struggled and squirmed in his seat but couldn't pull her hands from his throat. She smiled down at him as she started to climb on him, putting all her weight behind her.

Britt: "Stop..."

Lucyfer: "What, baby? I can't hear you."

Britt: "Stop..."

Lucyfer: "Louder, Britticus. I still can't he--"

Britt: "STOP!!!"

His voice rang out through the reading room as Lucyfer was suddenly gone and he was alone. Britt panicked and glanced around again. Only the Mickey Mouse guy was there still and he was continually engrossed in his music. Britt breathed deeply. He knew her attacks were psychic and yet his body registered everything physically. If she scratched him, his body was scratched, if she kissed him, his lips were wet. The word psychopath didn't even begin to describe the monster that yearned for revenge against him. He opened the book he had laid out.

Voice: "Researching immortality? Many have tried, my friend... few have succeeded."

Britt looked up and sparks of recognised flowed. The man stood beside Britt smiled.

Britt: "Mustang! How... how are you alive?"

Mustang removed his Mickey Mouse headphones and sat down.

Mustang: "When I saw you and realised immortality was possible... let's just say I did what you're doing now. Research. I found a way."

Britt: "You have to tell me. Although... you look a little... worse for wear..."

Mustang: "I am lich now. I am undead. My soul is not my own. That was the price of my immortality. But, you must tell me, how you achieved immortality! And why now you're looking into immortality..."

Britt: "Let's just say it no longer applies. And, unfortunately, undead won't do it for me. The one thing I need to keep safe is my soul. That's all."

Mustang smiled.

Mustang: "Then, my old friend, the solution is simple. Your body is not the object of import, then you do it the old fashioned way..."

Britt listened and learned.

He still had much more learning and training to do and he would remain so until, finally, he had his way. His own blood was unique and he could live on through even the smallest drop. He could store a vial away somewhere and, should the worst happen, have it injected, by Winters, into someone else. It was grim, and a method that ought to put him in Hell anyway but it was his only choice to escape the cruelty that awaited him...

And as he sat, pouring over pages of ancient alien tomes, his Story came to its end. The world was changing, the Story was changing. The Negotiator, or God, stood and watched the Earth from his Heavenly realm. Dust began to settle on the Chapters of Britt: The Legend and all would fall still and silent until a new Story was born to shake off that Dust. Until the Never-ending Story was a reality and, never again, would Dust descend...

TO ALL WRITERS:

For the next forty posts (or the end of page 49, whichever comes first), each and every writer will be paid five dollars ($5 USD) for writing their first story post. The only requirement for the story post must be that its content somehow helps the characters Vice or The Last True Evil in their goal to control The Never-ending Story Thread for their own ends. This could take the form of new villains entering the scene, the heroes stuck in the midst of bad writing that threatens to ruin the story, or the often-used "nukes blow up the world" method. There is no minimum word requirement or minimum writing skill required, and this offer extends to both past writers as well as new ones. Past efforts included a villainous knockoff of The Terminator, the hero finding true love, and attacks from spam. For ideas to work with, try reading from the top of this latest page.

The most important thing is to have fun writing your post in a way that you think other readers and writers will have fun with too!

If a writer wishes to be paid another five dollars ($5 USD) for their second post, that second post must also somehow agree and add to a previous post not of their own. For instance, if someone writes that their new villain shoots at one of the heroes, you could write that the villain's shot hits the hero in the leg, and that the hero limps away.

Any additional posts written will not be paid for on their own, though they will help your chances for a final sum of money after the forty posts (or the end of page 49) have been reached. At this point, all the writers will be included for selection in an open poll to vote on who their favorite author in those forty posts had been. The winner will receive an additional ten dollars ($10 USD) plus a dollar for each writer above ten writers (up to a total of $40 USD). If you want the big pot, encourage others to write!

First post = $5 USD
Second post = an additional $5 USD
Popular vote winner = an additional $10-$40 USD

Payment will be done through Paypal or in a manner agreed upon between the writer and Gebohq. Gebohq, Al Ciao, and TheBritt are not eligible for any of the above, nor count towards the forty posts.

Reading this current page of the Never-ending Story Thread is suggested to understand style and inspire ideas, but not required in the least. Having fun in writing a wacky story scene is the key!

For questions of registration, rules clarification, or rudimentary understanding of the story, contact gebohq@gmail.com with the words "NeS Vice" included in the subject line. Frequently Asked Questions can also be found in this NeS workshop post.

And to emphasis, the most important part is to have (evil) fun!

Losien: "Plan A, everybody! Plan A!"

Newb: "So there IS a plan!"

Iriana: "Plan A is running away."

Newb: "Oh. I think I need to re-evaluate my situation."

Iriana and Newb start following Losien, Tracer, and Evil G as they book it from the Taxman...