Losien Simon
Losien is the Main Character of the NeS and has a strong-mind and strong-will, yet she constantly feels unworthy of her mantle and her leadership of the group is often called into question - forcing her to act on her own when others don't agree with her choices. Her façade of bravery may be a mask to hide her true cowardice running towards death to escape dealing with the problems of her life. She wields Fred, Teh Uber Blade and wears Carlotta the Cape - both of which are sentient and able to communicate with Losien through her mind. She has also been somewhat detached from her soul, which is often either trailing behind her or leading her forward through the narrative. Her Potential is Gwenhwyfar.

Al Ciao
Al Ciao is often the goofy comic-relief for the NeS Heroes, yet he has the darkest and most elaborate history as Highemperor. Although most characters see Al Ciao as a goofball, he is also father to Iriana Emp, Lucy, an alien-thingy and the incoming child of his wife (Lady LightSide). However he also died sometime ago and was brought back to life in his new cyborg body by Mecha Lou. Now with his mechanoid body he is able to perform an array of awesome cyborg techniques and attacks. Mostly Al Ciao is trying to keep his "family" together, make amends with his daughter and wait for the day his wife gives birth. His Potential was killed by Antestarr many Story Arcs ago.

Evil G
Evil G, who is sometimes known as Gebiyl, is an alternate dimension version of Gebohq Simon where he was a major Powerplayer of the NeShattered. However his cruel heart melted when he fell in love, and married, Young. He had to escape the confines of his own universe to escape the Ever-ending Plot which consumed it. He joined the NeS Heroes to be close to his wife, Young, and help raise his child, Chance. He is generally the anti-hero of the NeS Heroes and often has darker methods of dealing with situations than others would like. He also finds most of the NeS Heroes incredibly annoying as he's often smarter and, in some ways, more sensible then the rest. Yet he enjoys winding them all up with insults and sarcasm to entertain himself. Despite all of this, he is one of the few that is truly aware of what is to come. He carries his own NeShattered NeSword. His own Potential was killed many Story Arcs ago.

Lady LightSide
Lady LightSide is the aftermath of DarkSide being warped and twisted by the events of Memory Lane. Ultimately all evil was expelled from her and she is trapped in the body of a woman after getting pregnant with Al Ciao's child. She is unable to transform into any other form, however once she gives birth it is speculated that she will instantly turn into DarkSide once again. The eventual return of DarkSide is something the NeS Heroes dread, not just because DarkSide would be one more incredible enemy to defeat but because they would lose their friend and ally, LightSide. She is often a reasonable voice and is definitely a controlling influence upon Al Ciao, encouraging him in positive ways and keeping his idiocy in check.

Tracer
Tracer was a Man of Mystery and wandered around in his own detective novel. A mixture of Dick Tracy, James Bond and Neo from The Matrix, Tracer was often an ominous presence in the NeS Heroes' shadow, or a goofy loony bin narrating himself. However when he stepped through a shattered dimensional portal he shattered himself into pieces - pieces of Tracer from across the multiverse. Now Tracer is irregularly transitioning between different versions of Tracer from across the Multiverse, ranging from Sherlock-Tracer to Child-Tracer. MZZT believes that Tracer will be lost the longer he remains a part of this "ShatteredTracer" as the dimensional timelines diverge. Tracer's Potential is The Orator.

Amal
Amal is the adoptive nephew of Arkng Thand and then his care-taker switched to TLTE. Amal, however, went through a sudden growth spurt and is now a young man and potentially the future Main Character of the NeS. He is an eager learner and often understands more of the situation than most would believe, especially after learning much from Soriel. He is quite the heroic type, but does have a much darker streak that he likely learnt from TLTE. A hero that will do what he must. Amal wields a copy of the NeSword, given to him by Gebohq Simon. Amal's Potential is Quo Anima.

Rachel Pi
Once merely a Random Audience Member, Rachel Pi wished for characterhood - autonomy in the NeS - when she fell in love with Gebohq. Her wish was granted when a deal was struck with Arkng Thand, who arranged to allow Rachel character autonomy in the story and seek Gebohq's heart in return for taking within her the potential of April Fools' Day. Rachel is now pregnant with Gebohq's child, but seems somewhat conflicted on the issue as her and Geb'q relationship has been rather bumpy recently. Her father, Emperor Pi, is also hanging around after it was revealed that he had long ago evolved into his Potential. Rachel herself has been revealed to be her own Potential.

Gebohq Simon
Once the Main Character of the NeS, he gave that role over to his sister, Losien Simon. Since then he's spent a great amount of time patching up his relationship with the love of his life, Rachel Pi, and now he is an expectant father. However Rachel doesn't seem so thrilled by the prospect. Despite being incredibly inept and dumb at the best of times, many of the newer heroes often look to Gebohq as a source of experience. He is usually air-headed, verging on being unaware of happenings around him, but essentially has a strange amount of luck that often works in his favour. He wields the original NeSword and his Potential was killed by Antestarr long ago.

Iriana Emp
Once the Princess of Atlantis - a title made possible by her mother - her status, along with the legend of Atlantis, was forcibly forgotten by Michael MacFarlane during the previous story arc. Iriana Emp is also the Queen of Armenia, made possible by her father, Highemperor (now Al Ciao), though she prefers to be called a princess. She has recently become reacquainted with her father, Al Ciao, and they have many issues that they need to work out. His arrival has caused Iriana to doubt herself and long to understand who she truly is, particularly now that she is no longer involved with Couchman. She is posh, spoilt and believes everyone should do as she commands them to. She also has an addiction to tea. Her Potential is Nyktelios.

MZZT
Once a regular member of the NeS Heroes, The Mega ZZTer, often called MZZT for short, now serves to simply aid them with his technological prowess. He does this mainly by maintaining his inventions in their old Hall of Heroes within the ruins of Big Ben. He's currently with Losien and the others who are in the old Hall of Heroes.

Miss Fire
A long-time NeS Hero, Miss Fire was fatally wounded during a fight in a previous Story Arc and thus put into a stasis chamber that would keep her in state. When the Haunted Hall of Heroes was burnt down by the NeSferatu, the NeS Heroes had to save her pod from destruction. Finally she has been revived by Mecha Lou, a techno-witch, who gave her a cybernetic heart to help her live. The new heart runs on the mains and she must recharge from a power outlet when her energy runs low. She can supercharge herself to give herself a major adrenaline rush.

TLTE
The Last True Evil, or TLTE, was once the greatest villain to the NeS, but the ex-Soviet super-spy seemed to have turned over a new leaf when he fell in love with Losien Simon. While the true evil within TLTE remains a constant struggle, he uses his love and respect for various characters, particularly Losien and his adopted charge Amal, to keep himself in check. He is currently challenged in his relationship with Losien since she became the main character for the NeS and experienced a 'dark side' during the previous story arc where she cheated on him. Though Losien seemed to not be herself at the time, TLTE's emotions on the subject have yet to be settled through conversation as Losien avoids the issue. Arkng Thand is convinced that TLTE will once again embrace his evil ways and become the greatest threat to the NeS' continued existence. He was, however, frozen in carbonite by Polly Simon, and only recently has been released. Baba Yaga also revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes that he loves Losien - he does not truly. Polly has apparently been granted a wish so that Losien will stop loving TLTE. It should be noted that his Potential is dead, killed by his own hands.

Frank Smith
The Time Cop from the future was sent back in time to deal with a series of time anomalies that led him to the character Apple of the NeS Heroes. However Apple would later turn out to be Chronos in the future, and head of the Time Enforcement Agency (TEA). Turns out she sent him back in time to purposefully lead to her own existence and, probably, to eventually save herself from her own mistakes. Frank is a confident, hero-type but he tends to get himself into a lot of trouble due to his over-confidence. He is also likely experiencing a mid-life crisis and had a dalliance with a much younger man. Frank has a watch that allows him to open a time vortex and transport himself, and anyone touching him, through time and space. The watch's A.I. is called CynthAI Mk XIV, however a second A.I. has also been installed into the watch known as CaptAIn and is, in fact, the personality of Captain Cadpill. Frank killed his own Potential to save Losien Simon and the others from a Potential attack.

Subaru Yamamoto
Subaru Yamamoto has powers over chi that allow her to perform many unusual tasks, including running up walls, walking on water and hurling herself around. She can also heal, which she considers to be her secondary task - her first is to maim anything before her with a gigantic axe. Once she was always second-fiddle to her friends, but lately she has come to shine alone. She loves Antestarr but she felt, recently, a pang of betrayal as he was turned into a vampire by another woman. Yet she accepted him still until he eventually turned her away and left the NeS Heroes to start turning people into NeSferatu and forming an army - along with Nyneve, the woman that turned him. Subaru is feeling emotionally fragile and hurt. She knows that Antestarr wants to turn Subaru into a NeSferatu, but she does not want to become like him. Although fragile, she is still head-headed, over-confident and brash on all other things. Her Potential is Orochi.

Polly Simon
Sometimes known as "Geb's Mom" or "Los' Mom", Polly Simon recently mingled with the NeS Heroes because she wants her daughter, Losien, to rise up and become the Queen of Jupiter. This would, however, mean she'd be frozen in carbonite for 500 years. Polly used a wish from Baba Yaga to grant her eternal youth and now appears the same age as her own daughter. When Losien refused, Polly tried to force Apple to take the throne instead, Losien's daughter, however Apple has since become Chronos and beyond such things - leaving Polly with only Losien as an option again. Polly succeeded in having Baba grant one last wish - a wish that Losien would stop loving TLTE. Baba Yaga revealed to Polly that TLTE only believes he loves Losien, it is not true love. Polly does not seem to have a Potential, possibly due to her use of Baba Yaga's wish.

Emperor Pi (Potential)
The secret Emperor of China and father to Rachel Pi, Emperor Pi lives in the forbidden city of the sky - a palace floating upon the clouds over China, hidden from all. He has many concubines and has mystical kung fu powers that he claims comes from his tea-drinking habits. He has a calm, serene demeanour and loves his daughter, Rachel, very much. He cares a great deal for his daughter and his recent involvement in the NeS has largely been focused on trying to keep her safe and support her through her romantic troubles with her lover, Gebohq. He has also proven to be quite enigmatic in his approach towards characters that are not his daughter, especially Al Ciao and Britt. He long ago achieved his Potential, as the Jade Emperor of China.

Gwenhwyfar (Potential)
Potential of Losien Simon, she is the embodiment of 'heart' or 'soul' of a hero. Gwenhwyfar was the leader of the Potentials upon their arrival in the NeS, in particular Orochi was devout. However the other Potentials were defeated and went onto other plans, while Gwenhwyfar seems to have had a change of heart about killing Losien and, in fact, saved her life. Why Gwen changed her mind is still a mystery and while the NeS Heroes are happy to accept her, instantly, as a "good guy", Gwen herself seems less that certain of her role.

Chance
"Demon Baby" Chance is the son of Evil G and Young. He was kidnapped by Morthrandur and taken to the Cult of X, but he was rescued by TLTE who brought him back to the NeS Heroes in London. His mother, Young, still awaits her son's return, but she is in France with the NeSferatu. The baby has displayed comic, if disturbing, moments of 'demonic possession', often aimed at NPCs, especially ghosts of the HHH.

Antestarr
Antestarr, long since a "tech guy" for the heroes of the NeS, overused one of his inventions not long ago, which led to his body's decay. On the brink of death, an old flame unexpectedly arrived and saved his life by turning him into, like her, a NeSferatu (a kind of vampire who prefer the blood of major characters making hard choices). While he now shares an unusual connection to Nyneve and a bond that can never be broken, he doesn't love her. Antestarr has a solid, clear mind that is constantly at work to solve the problems before him. However he recently has developed a need for the "blood-ink" of characters, as well as melodrama and self-pity, due to his NeSferatu nature. He left the NeS Heroes to start a 'NeSferatu army', which he controls alongside Nyneve. He left, with the heroes, his lover Subaru Yamamoto who he still longs for and hopes to turn into a NeSferatu - even though she doesn't wish it. He, and his pet Houndour, arrived in the Sahara desert where he was confronted by the Cult of X and was a part of Britt's rebirth. However it was Antestarr that killed Britt to begin with. Antestarr does not seem to have a Potential, and desires to have agency in his life to protect the NeS from threats such as the Writers.

Britt
Britt's story is currently split between the current timeline and the historical novel being read by Arkng Thand. Born a citizen of Rome, Britt bore witness to many events that would ultimately lead to the current state of the NeS. However he was murdered by Antestarr for his Blood Ink. Yet Britt also possessed Tea Blood which allowed Britt's ghost to linger on within Antestarr until he could attempt to take Antestarr's body. Realising that Antestarr was a decaying corpse, Britt had no choice but to transfer himself into a fresh new clone body of Aetas X... a woman. Now the Cult of X believe that he is the new leader of the cult - a cult created by a woman centuries ago who was obsessed with Britt himself.

The Cult of X
Members of the Cult of X follow the words of their Prophet, who is always a new clone of the original Aetas X. The last clone, Suzy X, was killed by Antestarr and now the cult believes that Britt, who inhabits another clone body, is the cult leader. The cult is devoted to "X", or "Plot". Originally Plot was the Plot of Britt: The Legend and all other events that existed prior to the Never-ending Story. Now the Plot has become twisted into the Ever-ending Plot, yet the Cult of X still stand to defend and worship it. The cult includes Rob X, Cygnus X and Maxim X.

Maeve & Couchman
Maeve, now crowned Queen of England, is often an immature and alcohol-prone lesbian. When she isn't drunk or horny, though, she helps her friend and brief fling, Losien, as well as the other NeS Heroes with her sometimes blunt and practical help. Couchman, in turn, was once a lawyer and Renaissance man who wanted nothing more than to win the heart of Iriana. However, due to a number of circumstances, Couchman has resigned to his former live and desires, now finding new purpose in acting as Queen Maeve's primary aid. Maeve's Potential is Venedite, and Couchman's Potential is Midas.

Twin Suns & The Remembered Forces
Twin Suns, sometimes known as The Chosen One, is the leader of the Remembered Forces, once known as the Forgotten Army. The Army includes all of the forgotten characters of the NeS, including some high profile cases such as MaybeChild, The Otter, Sran Cadpill, Arbiter and Ping. They are constantly looking for new recruits and are considered a threat to the NeS by some, while others believe that they are heroes. Having recently been established as the Remembered Forces and recognized as an official power by the English government, Twin Suns and the Forgotten Army have become more threatening than ever before.

Nyneve & Tony
Nyneve is the oldest remaining NeSferatu, turned centuries ago in Ireland. After living a long life, she eventually met Antestarr and they became lovers. Yet their relationship was not an ever-lasting one. That is, until he got fatally sick and was turned into a NeSferatu by Nyneve. Since then the two of them have built up an army of NeSferatu, using synthetic Blood Ink created by Mecha Lou to make them all much stronger. Nyneve tries to be more evil than she probably is at heart. She goes out of her way to provoke the NeS Heroes, but ultimately she longs to restore the glory of her past. During Britt: The Legend, she and Britt were best friends. Now she holds Young captive, hoping to lure out the NeS Heroes. Tony, a one-time and short-lived NeS Hero, was turned into a NeSferatu by Nyneve during her phase of accumulating NeSferatu henchmen. He still wears a pan on his head, but now has mild NeSferatu powers. Despite this, he's still a fairly inept henchman and is constantly being berated by Nyneve.

Young
Daughter of the Never-ending Story, Young has found herself captured by the NeSferatu in a plot to entice the NeS Heroes into fighting with the empowered NeSferatu. Unfortunately the NeSferatu were unable to capture Chance, Young's son, and he was taken by another, more mysterious and possibly sinister force of the NeS - Morthrandur. Although unknown by Young, Chance has been rescued by TLTE and taken to the NeS Heroes. Young herself remains Nyneve's prisoner.

Orochi & Midas (Potentials)
Orochi is one of the most volatile of the Potentials, quick to fight and quick to rage. Her personality is an extreme edition of her unPotential, Subaru. Orochi believes in Gwenhwyfar adamantly, though recently she has taken her own path. She was almost killed by Frank Smith, however a future version of the very same Time Cop returned to her to warn her of the impending doom of the Eep. She, and Midas, resolved to prepare against such an attack. She is dressed as a samurai warrior and wields a katana blade. Midas is far happier causing mischief and desires nothing more than to turn everything into sofas. Though committed to the cause of the Potentials, he prefers to let others lead with rare exceptions when he does have a grand idea for himself.

[URL="http://Arkng Thand"]Arkng Thand[/URL]
Once he was the guardian over both Amal and Apple, Thand has since lost both of them to the NeS Heroes. He is a former NeScholar and arguably the wisest man ever. He is mostly aloof, appearing only when he wishes and his motives are a complete mystery, even to his adoptive "children" who often follow his commands without query. Thand seems to have the NeS interests at heart but his actions are highly questionable and his schemes seem to stretch on and on. Many do not know if they should trust him or consider him to be their enemy. Thand has a particular rivalry with TLTE. Recently he has been revealed to be the President of the United States of America, running the government for some unknown agenda. He has a man named "Spin Doctor" working for him, who covers up unusual stories - including the death of Sarah Palin. He has also hatched a plot with Thrawn42689 as his instrument, where Thrawn is watching everything in the NeS by 'infecting' NPCs. Thand is currently researching the life of Britt the Bartend, a character of great significance who was consumed by Antestarr, in his ever-continuing pursuit of knowledge and for the survival of himself, humanity, and the NeS. Thand is also a Potential character, specifically of Soriel, though also of all mankind.

Thrawn42689
Thrawn is an android created by Doctor Dormouse alongside Ahnuld. More recently Thrawn has allied himself with Arkng Thand and plots to 'infect' various NPCs (Non-Player Characters) and RAMs (Random Audience Members) - indicated by various formations of his overly long serial number. He seems particularly keen to keep tabs on both Hero Teams. He also appears to have become digitised, rather than having a robotic body - where his original body is is unknown. He is keeping the U.S.A. under his control via social media and the Internet at large.

Chronos
Formerly Apple of the NeS Heroes and daughter to Losien Simon, Chronos became her own Potentials after a mishap through time. She has immense power over time itself and she eventually created the Time Enforcement Agency, with herself at the head. Centuries later she sent Frank Smith back in time to investigate her past self (Apple) and eventually lead to the present - keeping timelines running smoothly. However she was then visited by her Far-Far-Far-FAR Future self who warned her not to take vengeance against High Imp, who caused so much trouble (and actually created her) when she was Apple. She ignored her future self and tried to consume the timestream of High Imp. However she accidentally consumed the timestream of all of India, including all of the super villains that were fighting there. She then fell through time and came out of the next opened plot-hole - by Adélaide Simonier and Britt in the past as reported in Britt: The Legend. When she hiccoughs, a part of the timestream that Chronos consumed will return in the future.

Mayaal
TBA

Venedite (Potential)
TBA

Jim Seven
Jim Seven (written often as Jim7) was once the ruler of Hell, however he was voted in as the new ruler of Heaven. As God he joined the Battle Over London when Serapharch, a powerful angel, tried to destroy a fallen angel named Seraphim - a member of Hero Force One. Since then Jim has mostly been establishing a new heavenly domain on Earth which was, disappointingly, established in Burundi. Not long ago, Team Losien stumbled into his domain. Jim Seven did declare a Crusade against Justin Beiber and had him sent to Hell. Jim also still wants Losien and Frank to return to Burundi to help him build the greatest go-kart track in history, concerning himself little with his greater responsibilities or the events of the world as he resides in Burundi.

The Nega
Potential of The Otter, and possibly the most drunk person ever, he embodies the "un-Potential" that diminishes the potentials of others.

The Orator
Able to replace The Narrator, The Orator is Tracer's Potential, and has currently been locked away by The Narrator.

Quo Anima
The Potential for Amal, seeming to embody what an empty vessel would embody. Qho, however, seems to be filling with evil as he staged his own death by Amal's hands, his current wereabouts and plans unknown.

Nyktelios
Nyktelios is the Potential of Iriana Emp. She is a Powerplayer who may be the 'answer' to Iriana's alternate self that has currently taken over the world and has ordered the Council of Evil to do her bidding.

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Eighteen

Adél: "I'm going to send for a doctor. In fact, I know just the man. I've heard he can make anything happen! Anything at all."

Britt: "I'll believe that in a million years, Adél."

Chronos groaned as she dragged herself towards the wall, crawling along the floor of Adélaide Simonier's secret workshop. When she reached the wall, she used it to pull herself to her feet.

Chronos: "I've got to stop this -- hic! --"

Chronos: "-- hiccoughing. Oi, girl! Looks like you're a genius inventor. You wouldn't happen to have a Containment Unit, would you?"

Britt: "A what?"

Adél: "Actually, yes! I invented it a year ago. I thought it was for storing ghosts."

Chronos: "Usually yes. But it can be used to store time other mystical crap too."

Britt: "Mystical crap. Is that a technical term?"

Chronos: "You're going to be the first ghost that Containment Unit sees if you keep up. Little girl, take me to the Containment Unit."

Britt watched Chronos try to hobble after Adél.

Britt: "Wouldn't it be easier if she brings it here?"

Chronos and Adél gave Britt a cold stare before continuing on. After making their way through a maze of contraptions, Adél stopped and pointed at a large airlock.

Britt: "It's... a hatch?"

Adél: "That's the hatch to the Containment Unit. The Containment Unit is... well, it's another dimension beyond the hatch, I suppose."

Britt: "I suppose that's far from the strangest thing I've ever heard. What're you going to do now, Mysterious Person from the Future?"

Chronos: "I'm going to -- hic! --!"

Britt: "You're going to hiccough? That seems counter-produ--"

Chronos smacked Britt across the head for being an idiot.

Chronos: "I'm going to force all of these timestreams into the Containment Unit. Where they'll stay until I decide otherwise."

Britt: "Is that safe? I mean, just think of the hazardous waste you're leaving in Adél's shed."

Chronos: "Alright, Walter Peck! I'll fix it afterwards, okay!? I just want to stop hicc-hic!"

Chronos: "Bugger it! Here we go."

She opened the airlock and shoved her hand inside. There's a tremendous glow from the airlock and wind whips at the three of them as they stood there. Chronos winced, clearly going through some pain. Britt and Adél quickly grew worried that the machine was going to explode.

Britt reached out and grabbed Chronos.

Britt: "You have to stop! It's going to blow up!"

Chronos: "I can do it! I can d--!"

BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

Adélaide Simonier opened her eyes. She had been flung back by the explosion and lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling where her prototype B52 Bomber hung. Fortunately her parents were used to hearing ominous explosions through the years and weren't likely to come running. Instead they'd ask casually over supper later in the evening.

Adél: "Grandfather, that woman--"

Adél sat, staring at the Containment Unit. They were both gone.

Adél: "There goes all my reference materials, past and present. So sad... but... wait... suddenly I... I think I know what those earmuffs are for!!"

Adélaide ran across her workshop in a frantic hurry, throwing old machines aside until she uncovered a technological-looking pair of earmuffs. She put them on her head, tapped a button and waited. And waited. A small antennae began to twirl around as it searched time and space for a signal.

Chronos: "Girl?"

Adél: "Yes! Yes it's me! Wow! I just remembered what these things were for! What a strange coincidence!"

Chronos: "Not exactly a coincidence."

She then heard Britt's voice, sounding like he was a few metres away from Chronos.

Britt: "You can't just alter my great-great-great... great, whatever, granddaughter's time line like that! You can't just fill her head with new stuff like... like..."

Chronos: "Relax! It was already done! How do you think she invented all that crap to begin with!?"

Britt: "Well... why didn't you just get her to design the one contraption you needed? Instead she made all kinds of weird stuff!"

Chronos: "Because I didn't have the patience to be picky about what inventions she could and couldn't have prior knowledge to! So they'll just arrive to her randomly across time. We're lucky she'd actually made that trans-temporal communicator before now."

Adél: "So you somehow changed my timestream so that I would pick up crazy ideas for inventing strange machines from the future that I barely understand?"

Chronos: "Exactly."

Adél: "While I appreciate that... you know they nearly had me committed when I was young!? I kept babbling on about Nokia phones, DVDs and I kept trying to make people play Nintendo Wii! They called me perverse after that one."

Chronos: "I can imagine why. Listen, Girl, we've been thrown through time and space. The Containment Unit you invented was supposed to extract the timestreams from me, but it seems the inverse has happened."

Adél: "What do you mean?"

Zip-pan to the location of Chronos and Britt, elsewhere in time and space.

Chronos: "I mean we've been pushed into the timestream of one of those I consumed..."

Britt: "So where are we?"

Adél's voice echoed inside Chronos' head, unheard by Britt.

Adél: "And when are you?"

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Nineteen

Soldier: "Capture them!"

Britt: "Uh, does he mean us?"

Chronos: "Want to stay and find out?"

Britt and Chronos began to flee through the woodland, hopping over fallen trees and diving under low-hanging branches. Or at least Chronos did, Britt tripped over ever log and cracked his face into every branch.

Chronos: "Over here!"

The two of them dove into a large hole within the roots of an ancient tree. Huddled inside, they peek through the foliage growing at the base of the tree.

A group of soldiers appeared, wearing Ye Olde armour and wielding short swords. They slowed to a stop and peered around, trying to seek out any hidden dangers in the woodland.

Soldier: "Looks like they scarped. It's safe to approach, my King!"

King John: "Good good! I could see that gleam in the bugger's eye! Robin Hood must be brought to justice!"

Chronos mumbled to herself;

Chronos: "Of all the Characters' timestreams... it had to be his."

King John sneezed.

Soldier: "Uh oh... someone must be talking about you, Sire."

King John: "What? Because I sneezed? Damn, my ears itch like buggery!"

Soldier: "Wow. Definitely, Sire. Probably speaking bad, and all."

King John: "What!? How dare they! The blighters! Out with you! Where are you!?"

Britt: "Crapcakes."

Within minutes Britt and Chronos were captured and put under guard. After being told how terrible they were for trying to steal King John's money, they were escorted towards the local castle. As they tramped through the cold, the dark sky opened up and snow began to gently descend upon the land. While most of the soldiers seemed enthralled by the beauty of it, King John grumbled that his expensive clothes were going to be ruined.

By the time they reached the castle, even the soldiers were complaining about the snow that seeped into their clothes and Chronos' long, heavy cloak was slowing her down.

Britt: "While I get to freeze my bollocks off in my minimalistic clothing."

Chronos: "Teach you for wandering around half-naked."

King John: "Welcome to... Camelot!"

Britt: "Whoa! Seriously!?"

King John: "Don't be daft! I was just jesting. Burnt Camelot down to the ground years ago. At least I think it was Camelot. It had a round table in it anyway. Can't have anything so... socialist in my country."

Britt: "So what castle is this?"

King John: "Castle Desmond."

Britt and Chronos turned as the owner of Castle Desmond stalked into the room.

Britt: "The Commander..."

Count Desmond: "My King, I see you have brought guests."

King John: "Thought they were Robin Hood and one of his sorry men. Instead, a couple of trespassers after my gold."

Count Desmond: "In Ireland?"

King John: "You don't know the lengths that green-clad sod will go to!"

Count Desmond: "You wish for me to have them locked up?"

King John: "No need! Feed them to your dogs! You have dogs, right?"

Count Desmond: "Dogs... you could say that. Either way, something can feed on them."

King John: "Good to know, Count Desmond. I'll leave them in your capable hands."

Count Desmond: "Chain them outside. One of my pets will take care of them."

The soldiers dragged the two captives to the rear of the castle. Snow now coated the cobbled stones of the courtyard and the leafless trees that marched in lines around the garden. The soldiers, knowing better, decided not to stick around after tying Britt and Chronos to a pillar.

Chronos: "Always leave captives unattended. Perfect time for us to escape!"

Adél's voice resounded in Chronos' head.

Adél: "I can't believe you actually travelled through time..."

Chronos: "Time-travelling is what I do."

Britt: "What year is it anyway? I can't actually tell if this is the future or not."

Chronos: "Actually, it's the past. Currently it's around 1200AD."

Britt: "Well, considering when I was born, that's still the future for me."

Adél: "I think anyone would find your timeline incredibly confusing, grandfather."

Chronos: "He can't hear you, Adél."

Britt: "Tell Adél I said hi, by the way."

Chronos: "Do I look like a messaging service?"

Britt: "Frankly I'm not sure what you're supposed to look like at all."

Nyneve: "You came back..."

Britt: "Nyn...eve...?"

Britt's oldest and truest friend emerged from the shadows. She wore a long green dress with a fur-lined cloak hung over her shoulders. Her dark was extra-curled, but poked out from beneath a pillbox hat and headscarf typical for the period. Her dark eyes stared at Britt with some amazement.

Nyneve: "I never thought I'd see you again. I... can't believe you're still alive..."

Britt: "I would say likewise, but I suppose "alive" would be a subjective term..."

Nyneve: "You left me."

Britt: "I-... I didn't. I tried to help but..."

Nyneve: "I'm glad you did. Now I'm... so much more than I was."

Britt: "You're like The Commander now. Like... death..."

Nyneve: "I am death."

She placed her cold fingers against Britt's warm cheek. It was a strange sensation for Britt to speak with her again after so much time had elapsed between them. Yet she didn't seem like the Nyneve he once knew. She was different. Very different. And that was hidden within her eyes.

Britt: "Where's the pet the Commander spoke of?"

Nyneve: "He means me. And my brothers..."

Several male NeSferatu stepped out of the shadows simultaneously. They gathered behind Nyneve in a dramatic semi-circle.

Adél: "I noticed your sneezing has gone away, Chronos!"

Chronos: "Now is not the time, Girl."

Nyneve: "My dear Britt, your new girlfriend seems to have lost the plot."

Britt: "I don't think she ever had it."

Chronos: "You watch your mouth, Britt. And I am not his girlfriend."

Nyneve: "So you're currently available, Britt?"

Britt: "Available for dinner? Or available for dinner?"

Nyneve: "I'd much prefer the first. Imagine it. You could live forever with me."

Britt: "Actually I'm already forced to live forever..."

Nyneve: "Uh... well I guess that takes away most of the allure of being a NeSferatu, doesn't it?"

Britt: "I reckon so."

Nyneve: "Well, then at least we'll be able to enjoy a final meal together, won't we?"

Britt: "Seems like you'd enjoy the menu more than me... Chronos, can't you do something?"

Chronos: "Like what?"

Britt: "Like use your time powers to get us out of here?"

Chronos: "We're trapped within King John's timestream. I can't just zip us through time or space like usual."

Nyneve: "Time powers?"

Chronos: "You and your big mouth."

Britt: "Sorry, I don't know any coded phrases for 'time travelling powers'!"

Nyneve: "Brothers. One of you fetch our father... he may find this interesting..."

One of the NeSferatu brothers dashed into the house at such a speed that Britt couldn't catch sight of him.

Chronos: "Okay. What I can do is kind of strange to get your head round but... pop!"

The ropes that had bound them were suddenly lying the snow. Britt didn't see or feel them fall, they just relocated within a jolting second.

Britt: "Uh... you have l33t escape-artist skills?"

Chronos: "I altered time so the ropes were never actually tied. So now those ropes are on the ground and we were never tied."

Britt: "Brain... death..."

Nyneve: "Don't let them escape."

Chronos: "I don't plan to escape... yet."

The black cloak slipped from Chronos' body and for a tantalising moment Britt swore he got to see beautiful, naked skin. But just as instantly, it was gone and Chronos disappeared. Britt and the NeSferatu stand, dumbfounded, until a moment later the NeSferatu brothers were being beaten up... by thin air.

Nyneve: "She's invisible! Find a net or something! Get h--ACK!"

Nyneve fell flat on her back.

Britt: "Don't hurt her!"

Chronos: "Idiot."

Chronos' voice came from a location close to Britt moments before he felt himself being dragged away from castle Desmond.

Adél: "Ah... appears my friend is here."

Chronos: "I don't need to know about your tea parties."

----------

Back to the future!

Adélaide Simonier greeted her friend with a warm hug.

Adél: "Thanks for coming, Lorenzo."

Lorenzo Prime: "Happy to help, Adél. Our families have long been tied together by your ancestor. In your message, it said he'd returned. Where is he?"

Adél: "Well..."

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Twenty

Adélaide Simonier stroked her imaginary beard as she contemplated the situation. Her immortal ancestor, Britt, had been transported into the past with a time-traveller from the distant future and was now facing a hoard of NeSferatu led by Britt's one-time best friend...

Lorenzo Prime: "Sounds like a bad Greek tragedy."

Adélaide Simonier: "You're supposed to be helping me, Lorenzo."

Lorenzo Prime: "Not a lot I can do, Adél. I don't think even Minerva's gift can conjure up... what? A time-portal?"

Adélaide's eyes popped with hopeful expectantion. Lorenzo stared back, blankly. Eventually Adélaide pouted and turned her back to him, resuming her thought-process.

----------

Britt: "Okay, I think we lost them, you can chill your beans."

Chronos: "I'll chill your beans in a minute! I haven't been so... without my full powers since... well... a long bloody time ago. Stupid time-lock."

Britt: "Lost in time jargon. Got it. How do we get out of here?"

Chronos: "Break the time-lock."

Britt: "How do we do that?"

Chronos: "No idea. I guess time just needs some kind of... jolt. Like starting a car battery."

Britt: "What's a car?"

Chronos: "Like... a carriage, with no horses."

Britt: "So... what do they use?"

Chronos: "I just told you, a battery."

Britt: "... is that some kind of cow?"

Chronos: "Maybe I can just leave you here."

Britt: "So... mean..."

Chronos: "You ain't seen nothing yet."

Britt: "Where did you get that cloak, by the way? I could have sworn you stripped naked a minute ago."

Chronos: "I used a bit of the time-wielding that I still have to have to snatch it before we left. It's not like we're basking in the sun here."

Suddenly there was a flurry of movement and Chronos is hurled to the snow by a NeSferatu brother. They scrabbled about in the snow while Britt cheered Chronos on.

Suddenly the NeSferatu sat up straight holding nothing but a cloak. Britt silently begged the gods to bless him with invisible-vision. Alas, that wish never came to pass as the gods were probably reserving that power for themselves. However this NeSferatu was no idiot. He spotted Chronos' appearing footprints in the snow and dove at the invisible woman. Britt wished he was the NeSferatu right about now, hands all over that beautiful nak-- SNAP! The NeSferatu's neck lolled to one side and Britt instantly recanted his previous wish.

Yet it was then Britt who was thrown to the ground in a spray of white, wet snow. He opened his eyes to see Nyneve staring down at him with gleeful, hungry eyes. In a moment of panic Britt unleashed his ultimate power!! Tea.

Nyneve was flung through the air by a powerful jetstream of hot tea that slammed her unceremoniously into a tree. She slumped down from the tree in an unconscious lump.

Chronos: "Actually, I'm kind of impressed."

Britt: "Yeah? Tasseomancy rocks."

Chronos: "Yeah. Really heats the air up. I'm freakin' freezing cold."

Britt: "...oh... you're welcome..."

Chronos: "Let's keep moving."

The two of them traipsed through the snow-laden landscape, avoiding the roads that connected any town to Castle Desmond. They eventually hitched a ride on a cart, paid for with free tea, and managed to reach a small Irish city called Cork. After some further tea-related bartering, Britt managed to wrangle a room for the night at a local, though shady, inn. They went upstairs to their designated to room to find half of the floorboards were missing, revealing a storeroom downstairs, the windows were boarded up (which Britt discovered were the boards from the floor), the chamber pot was cracked and the single bed had just one thin sheet for warmth through the night.

Britt: "This is lovely."

Chronos: "Sometimes your sarcasm really sounds like genuine enthusiasm."

Britt jumped onto the bed.

Britt: "I am knackered. Definitely time for some sleep."

Chronos stood for a long moment before eventually resigning herself to this unwelcome fate and climbed into the bed with him.

Chronos: "Stop cuddling me."

Britt: "It's a single bed, there's nowhere else for me to go!"

After a lot of arguing and fighting they eventually drifted off to sleep. However, as expected, that sleep didn't last long as Britt's sleep was interrupted. He was dragged from the bed, kicking and squealing, while Chronos was quickly rendered unconscious by a brutal beating.

Nyneve, who was holding Britt with her incredible NeSferatu strength, leant close to whisper to him.

Nyneve: "I knew she was your girlfriend."

Britt: "Don't you think there're more pressing issues than who I'm dating? I hope you didn't come all this way just to complain about that?"

Count Desmond: "No we did not."

Britt: "Commander..."

Count Desmond: "This is the woman who controls time, is it?"

Nyneve: "It is."

Britt: "How did you find us?"

Count Desmond: "Rumours of free tea at this local inn were running through the streets. After you little display earlier, it was obvious."

Britt: "Bugger. Me and my tea."

Nyneve: "If I drink from you, I wonder if you'll taste like tea... I wonder if I'll get some kind of... control of that power..."

Britt: "I'd rather not find out."

Count Desmond: "We're not here for the boy, Nyneve. We're here for the time-traveller."

Nyneve: "Of course. But I get to keep him, right?"

Count Desmond hoisted Chronos' unconscious body into his arms as though she were light as a feather. His teeth flashed white in the dark room.

Count Desmond: "A power as potent as this must pass through her blood. And now that blood is in my arms. The power of time is mine!"

He sunk his teeth into Chronos' neck.

----------

Adélaide suddenly whipped off the headset and threw it to the ground as an ear-piercing screech of static plunged through her ears.

----------

That static bounced through Chronos' brain and jolted her to wakefulness. Her instinctive reaction was to fight against the iron clamp on her neck. Though the connection between Desmond and Chronos was suddenly broken, it was quite too late. Desmond dropped Chronos and staggered back with blood dripping from his lips.

Count Desmond: "I can feel it... time... coursing through me! Mine to control!"

Chronos: "Hardly."

Count Desmond: "What?"

Chronos pointed to Desmond's feet. They were fading.

Count Desmond: "No! What is this!?"

Chronos: "You're vanishing from time. You'll cease to exist within the next few minutes without some kind of mental anchor to reality."

Count Desmond: "A mental anchor? I just need to concentrate on a specific location in time and I'll reappear there?"

Chronos: "You'll be stuck there, but yes."

Britt: "Should you really be giving him advice?"

Chronos: "Can't have people vanishing from time, Britt. Against the time laws I wrote."

Britt: "If you wrote them, can't you break them?"

Chronos: "Some of the small ones, not the big ones."

Count Desmond smiled, surprising most in the room.

Count Desmond: "Then I shall anchor myself mentally to a moment in time that I desire... the beginning of time itself!"

And then, amidst desperate gasps from Britt and the NeSferatu, Count Desmond disappeared. Chronos, however, appeared unconcerned.

Britt: "This is terrible! What kind of mayhem will this cause!?"

Nyneve: "Even I'm worried about this..."

Chronos: "Chillax! There is no beginning of time! He's just going to wind up at the very beginning of the Story he's tethered to. The annuls of its history."

Britt: "What Story?"

Chronos: "The Never-ending Story. He'll be there, right now, at the dawn of pre-NeS history."

Britt: "Uh... and that's acceptable?"

Chronos: "Sure. Timey-wimey, as someone I know would say. I'm sure he's being very careful not to disturb time these days. After all, if he did, he'd mess things up for himself. Plus I'd have arrested his arse by now."

----------

At the dawn of NeS-time.

Count Desmond: "BWAHAHA! IT'S MINE! I AM THE--"

Arkng Thand: "Could you keep it down? There are people trying to muse about the universe and its complexities."

Count Desmond: "WHA-!?"

Arkng Thand: "Welcome to the dawn of NeS-time. Looks like you're another of the 'historic lot' as I like to call us. Background for the greater Story at large."

Count Desmond: "... how are you here? I thought I was at the dawn of time?"

Arkng Thand: "Actually there's rather a few of us here right now! Come, let me show you around Atlantis!"

----------

Britt: "How'd you do that anyway?"

Chronos: "It was actually just the feedback from the headset that the Girl was wearing. Oops."

Nyneve: "What do I do without... him...?"

Britt: "Get a job? Buy a house?"

Chronos: "Britt... you look..."

Britt suddenly fell, face-first, into the wooden floor and entered BrittSleep.

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Twenty-One

Britt: Why do you like stalking me, anyway?

The Negotiator: "I have a vested interest in you, Britt. Like the owner of a racehorse, I have to constantly check on my prized horse."

Britt: "Being compared to a prized horse isn't very flattering, you know?"

The Negotiator: "Do you require flattery?"

Britt: "My self-esteem would benefit, I'm sure."

The Negotiator: "Then consider yourself flattered by my interest in your activities. You're not boring, at least. Now, time to wake up."

Britt: "Uh--?"

BOOM!! CRASH!!! WHOOSH!!!!

Britt jolted upright.

Britt: "What in the name of Bruce Wayne was that!?"

The room was black except for a sharp streak of light that cut through the room's stone walls. Britt's eyes struggled against this shaft of light that cut the gloom and his legs, likewise, refused to act properly. Dust particles drifted in the light, fresh from the destruction that caused the light to begin with. A silhouette appeared in the light. Then a second.

Adélaide Simonier: "Grandfather!"

Britt: "I wish you wouldn't call me that."

Adélaide Simonier: "So ungrateful for rescuing you!"

Britt: "Rescuing me? Did you find a way for me to time-travel back?"

Adélaide Simonier: "...not exactly no..."

Britt: "So... how are you here?"

Lorenzo Prime: "You were in BrittSleep again. You slept for a few hundred years until, well, now."

Britt: "Hullo man I don't know, thank you for the exposition. I slept until sometime after I'd time-travelled? Seems convenient that I'd wake up now."

Adélaide Simonier: "Indeed! I was worried you'd have worken up years ago and would have been trapped in this place going stark raving bonkers!"

Britt: "Where... are we?"

Adélaide Simonier: "Well... a NeSferatu covern actually."

Britt: "... a what?"

Lorenzo Prime: "Which is why we need to stop chit-chatting and get moving. They'll have heard that explosive... thing... you invented, Adél."

Britt fell off of the slab he'd been lying on, along with the blanket that had been consealing his modesty.

Adélaide Simonier: "Oh my!"

Lorenzo Prime: "GAH! Scarred for life!"

Britt: "Why do I end up naked so often!?"

He grabbed the blanket and used it as a make-shift Romanesque robe. Only then would either Adélaide or Lorenzo help him to his feet and began their escape from the covern.

Adélaide Simonier: "At least that woman didn't eat you, grandfather. She trapped your Sleeping body in here, under guard of her covern, for all these hundreds of years."

Britt: "But where's Chronos?"

Adélaide Simonier: "After you were taken by your NeSferatu friend, Chronos was thrown back through time to the present."

Britt: "Uh, which present are we talking about? Mine, yours or hers?"

Lorenzo Prime: "Ugh, time travel."

Chronos: "This present."

Britt: "WAAAAAGH!"

Chronos: "Calm down! You've seen me invisible before! Well, when I say seen..."

Britt: "I wonder if anyone else is ever as confused as I am when they wake up..."

NeSferatu #1: "And where do you think you're going?"

As Britt, Lorenzo, Adélaide and the invisible Chronos stalked across the castle basement, they were confronted by a group of NeSferatu at the stop of the stairs.

NeSferatu #1: "The name's Niall Gilroy and I'm in charge when Nyneve ain't here."

NeSferatu #2: "Says you."

Niall Gilroy: "Watch your mouth, fella! At least I got a name!"

NeSferatu #3: "He gets a name and along with it delusions of grandeur."

NeSferatu #2: "How about we all give ourselves names, then we can all claim to be in charge?"

Niall Gilroy: "Or maybe you can all shout your mouths and deal with these intruders before they..."

Britt and his crew had already scarpered. They ran through rooms upon rooms of gloom, usually lit by a few meagre candles that threatened to blow out as they rushed by.

Niall Gilroy: "You can't escape this place, Sleeper! It was built especially to keep you contained! She's never going to let you go!"

Niall Gilroy's voice echoed along the stone walls to reach them as they continued to flee.

Britt: "Why does this place seem like a maze!?"

Adélaide Simonier: "Because it is! It's a catacomb! Exactly where NeSferatu would bury their treasure!"

Britt: "I'm a treasure now?"

Chronos: "I also find that hard to believe."

Britt: "Heeeeey, don't agree with me on that!"

Chronos: "Don't you have any of those bomb left, Girl?"

Adélaide Simonier: "I have just one remaining, I'm afraid..."

Lorenzo Prime: "How about this...?"

The Italian man turned about with a swoosh of his fine silk cape and began to draw in the air with his finger. Usually Britt would have assumed he'd met yet another madman, but an aethereal golden trail was left in the wake of Lorenzo's finger strokes.

When he was finished, Lorenzo stepped back. The golden air-painting suddenly crackled and a real, solid version of the painting appeared. A large stone wall with graffitti painted onto it - reading "Fuq U" - now stood before them. Britt was stunned.

Adélaide Simonier: "You wrote on the wrong side of the wall. They can't read it on this side."

Lorenzo Prime: "Bollocks."

Britt: "Couldn't you... draw us a way out of this place?"

Lorenzo Prime: "I could probably draw more of those bomb things..."

Adélaide Simonier: "What about an elevator? Could you draw one of those?"

Lorenzo Prime: "A what?"

Adélaide Simonier: "It's one of my inventions. It goes up and down."

Lorenzo Prime: "Have I seen it before?"

Adélaide Simonier: "No."

Lorenzo Prime: "Then no I can't. I need to be able to imagine it for me to create it. But... I have seen one of your inventions I know can get us out of here."

This one took far less time for him to draw, though the sounds of shouting beyond the newly imagined wall were still heavy on Britt's weary mind.

Niall Gilroy: "C'mon, Sleeper! Come back like a good little human!"

Britt: "Why is it I always get involved with mental women?"

Adélaide Simonier: "I am not mental! I'm just a little... off-kilter."

Britt: "You're my relative, you don't count anyway."

Chronos: "I'm not mental either."

Britt: "You're from the future, so you also don't count. Plus I think you're being a little generous towards yourself."

Chronos: "Cheeky--!"

Lorenzo Prime: "The Plot-hole Gun!"

Adélaide Simonier: "Yay! Well done, Lorenzo!"

Britt: "So, I finally learn his name."

Lorenzo Prime: "Lorenzo, that's me. My surname's Prime."

Britt: "Prime!?"

Lorenzo Prime: "Thought you'd recognise it. Now, let's get moving!"

He fired the Plot-hole Gun imitation and a plot-hole appeared in the catacomb room. Instantly the group was sucked into the hole and deposited in the middle of a field. Britt looked up to find a cow staring down at him.

Cow: "Moo?"

Britt: "Hi there."

Chronos: "Don't converse with the natives."

Britt felt himself being helped to his feet, though not being able to see the person helping made the entire sensation somewhat unusual. Lorenzo approached a moment later, followed by Adélaide who fell out of a tree.

Chronos: "Can you conjure me up a cloak, Boy?"

Lorenzo Prime: "Sure thing."

Britt: "Chronos, you're not exactly old and decrepit. Why do you insist on calling them Girl and Boy?"

Chronos: "I'm older than I look. And I can't be bothered remembering their names. I'll only forget them once I return to my own time."

Adélaide Simonier: "You'd forget me!?"

Chronos: "I sincerely hope I do..."

After an hour of wandering through fields of cows, sheep and, strangely, penguins the four of them managed to locate a town. After some bartering they were on their merry way towards the Irish coast and escape from the NeSferatu. They sat on the back of a wagon, huddled up alongside sacks of grain and hay.

Britt: "Where was Nyneve anyway?"

Adélaide Simonier: "Well, I did some investigative work before we climbed down into the depths in search for you and discovered that she's met up with Count Desmond again. Who apparently has lived since the dawn of time, by the way. Not sure what they're plotting now though."

Britt: "Why didn't she kill me?"

Adélaide Simonier: "Without Count Desmond around, I think she felt lost and needed to hold onto something familiar."

Chronos: "And I threatened to ensure she was never born. Literrally."

Britt: "I noticed you haven't started sneezing again."

Chronos: "Dealt with the situation."

Britt: "How?"

Chronos: "Beng bitten by a NeSferatu was just the time jolt I needed to escape King John's timestream. So I trundled back to the Girl's workshop and tried, again, to put the timestreams into the Containment Unit. This time it worked. So now I'm fine and dandy."

Britt: "Why haven't you returned to your own time?"

Chronos: "Truth is, I kind of need to put them all back. Except for the one timestream I wanted to absorb."

Britt: "Why?"

Chronos: "Laws of time and all that."

Britt: "Why did you make these stupid time laws anyway?"

Chronos: "If I didn't, powergamers would probably be running amock even as we speak. Dealing with powergamers has become a bit of a... hobby of mine. Good example is the anti-powergaming cell I invented. Obviously, it sounds like an oxymoron, but it's not. A powergamer can easily break out... so powerfully and easily, in fact, that they'd rip straight through dimensional space in such a powergaming flurry that they'd instantly wind up back in the cell of the next dimension. Only in the TEA there's only my dimension. Like going through the ceiling of a room, only to come out of the floor. Except it only works that way if you're powergaming. It req--"

Britt: "Lost me."

Chronos: "When?"

Britt: "Powergamers."

Chronos: "You're a lost cause."

Adélaide Simonier: "Thank you for helping our family, Lorenzo. I really appreciate it."

Lorenzo Prime: "You know I'm happy to help, Adél."

They shared a secret smile. Or they thought it was secret until both Chronos and Britt started making kissy noises.

Some months later, after a lot of sailing and complaining, the four of them were back in Italy and sat in Adélaide's workshop. The two younger characters had tried to keep their little romance a secret from Britt and Chronos, but the two older adults would constantly hound the pair of them.

Adélaide: "You two are just having a relationship with each other by proxy of us!"

Britt: "Uh... what?"

Chronos: "Stupid thing to say. We're just having fun, Girl. Chillax. Young love. Such a beautiful, naive and stupid thing."

Adélaide: "Your cold heart just proves that you loved once."

Chronos: "Sorry, but I'm just cold-hearted by nature."

Britt: "What're you going to do about these timestreams?"

Chronos: "Not sure. I could just take them out one-by-one, but that would take an eternity. On the other hand I can't jut let them all go at once because I'll lose the one timestream I want to keep. Plus there's some freaking crazy powerful villains in there. I'm considering turning them over to the NeS Heroes."

Adélaide: "Who are the NeS Heroes?"

Chronos: "Characters from a Story in the future."

Britt: "But I'm the Main Character, aren't I?"

Chronos: "Of your own Story, maybe. But in the future there's a new Story."

Britt: "...does that mean--... my Story ends?"

Chronos: "Sorry, Britt. That's one law of time I did not write."

Britt: "But I'm immortal..."

Chronos: "Immortal in the sense that you won't age. Doesn't mean you can't die."

Britt:

Chronos: "Or maybe just your Story ends."

Britt: "Did yo see me in the future?"

Chronos: "...no."

Britt:

Britt: The Legend - Chapter 24

Suddenly, the Flying Spaghetti Monster burst through the door and raged at a random invention - which happened to be a microwave with a satellite attached to it - before Lorenzo managed to react and shooed the beast-god into a corner.

Lorenzo: "Sorry, he's a present from the god in my family."

Britt: "Tsk, not you too! I heard enough of that from Septimus!"

Lorenzo: "...Where do you think our family powers come from?"

Britt: "Um... DNA?"

Lorenzo: "Although I have a feeling we're forcing an anachronism into the situation, you're right. The DNA that was passed down from my god-ancestor. Minerva."

Britt: "... ... ... I've spent centuries knowing that Septimus was an idiot. I'm not going to change my mind on that now, just because you think you've got a bit of evidence to prove otherwise."

Adélaide: "You sound just like all the other old fossils, grandfather. Stuck in your ways. Unable to accept progress. I'm ashamed of you."

Britt: "Whaaaat?"

Adélaide: "Aww, how can I be mad at that stupid face?"

Britt: "Yaaaay!"

Lorenzo: "What will you do now, Britt?"

Britt: "Well, I was thinking-- Wait, did you say my face is stupid!?"

Adélaide: "A mere reflection of the mind, grandfather."

Britt: "...Was that still an insult?"

Adélaide: "You decide."

Britt: "I decide to ignore you from now on. As for my plans--"

He got up and stretched his body out as though he'd just woken up from a long nap.

Britt: "I think I'll go for a wander."

Adélaide: "There's a lovely park not far--"

Britt: "I was thinking Africa."

Lorenzo: "That's a long wander..."

Britt: "I find my Story progresses more if I wander."

Adélaide: "Well, if you take this communication device then--"

Britt: "No thanks. I think I'd prefer to go au naturale as you French say."

Lorenzo: "You mean naked?"

Britt: "I mean natural. Nothing added."

Adélaide: "But--"

Britt: "Well, it was nice meeting you both! Nice to see me and Septimus left something nice for the world. You kids have fun! Bye-bye now!"

Adélaide: "But--"

Britt waved at the Flying Spaghetti Monster on his way out of the door. Once outside Britt breathed in deep. Another saga of his life was over and he could feel the next one beginning. Yet a sensation deep inside him began to dread. With each passing chapter he was drawing ever closer to that final page of his book.

He took a single step.

Adélaide: "You can't just leave like that!"

Britt: "Whoa! Calm down!"

Adélaide stomped up to her ancestor.

Adélaide: "You just appeared in my life, turned it all upside down, and now you're just going to swan off - like you never existed!?"

Britt: "Um... I guess..."

Adélaide: "I won't allow it."

Lorenzo: "Adél..."

Britt: "Okay, okay. Look. Try to see this from my perspective. You age, I don't. I'd stand here and watch you get older with every passing second, while I remain. My own ancestor dying before me."

Adélaide: "Well...."

Britt: "Besides, it wouldn't be a very interesting Story if I hung around here. And no, I don't want you worrying about me all of the time. You need to move on with your own life, not hanging on for me all of the time."

Lorenzo: "Why don't you at least let us do one thing for you before you go? So you'll have something to remember us by?"

Britt: "Um... okay."

Lorenzo Prime snapped his fingers and the Flying Spaghetti Monster yipped like a spaghetti-laden dog.

Lorenzo: "Britt is your master now. Go."

The Flying Spaghetti Monster floated close to Britt's head, threatening to drop pasta sauce on his shoulders.

Britt: "This... really isn't necessary."

Lorenzo: "You're more than welcome, Britt."

Britt: "...no really. It's not necessary."

Adélaide: "He'll be a nice reminder for you, grandfather!"

Britt: "Urgh... fine."

The Flying Spaghetti Monster yipped with delight and glowed with a godly light.

Adélaide: "Just promise me that you'll visit me one day, okay?"

Britt: "Okay. That I promise you."

After a teary goodbye, Britt and his new-found pet-monster-god-thing departed Rome on a ship bound for Africa. The ship was a small and simple vessel so the crew were more than happy to give Britt and his spaghetti-producing beastie free passage in return for free meals and free tea every day. As Britt stood upon the deck of the ship and stared out at the receding shoreline of Italy his mind ran through all of the people he'd met, all of the people that had made up his Story so far. He glanced up to see the Flying Spaghetti Monster chasing seagulls. There was at least one he'd wished he'd never met.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Oi, lad! Whatcha starin' at?"

Britt: "Italy."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Your homeland?"

Britt had to think about that one.

Britt: "Not really, no."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Then why the long face? You're off on the adventure of a lifetime, my friend. Ain't nowhere more dangerous an' excitin' than Africa!"

Britt: "You have a really bizarre accent for an African, captain..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Please, call me Kaptin."

Britt: "Uh..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "An' I've been about, friend. Well-travelled. You tend to pick up some habits when ya live like that. Y'know, Africa's a big place. Where exactly are ya plannin' ta get to?"

Britt: "Just looking for somewhere... interesting."

Kaptin Kwanza: "How about Burundy?"

Britt: "Never heard of it."

Kaptin Kwanza: "On second thoughts, that place sucks. If ya really lookin' for hardship and adventure, I guess you'll want to have a walk across the Sahara Desert. 'Course it'll kill ya."

Britt: "Sounds perfect."

Kaptin Kwanza: "You heard tha part about it killin' ya, right?"

Britt: "That I did."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Well, it's your life ya be throwin' away."

Britt: "I won't die. That's the only thing I'm certain of."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I heard many a man say those exact words... hey, what's your foodie beastie doin'?"

Britt and the captain of the ship looked out across the water and saw the Flying Spaghetti Monster hovering suspiciously close to the surface of the ocean, as though it were teasing something beneath the murky waves.

Britt: "That wasn't very subtle, Narrator."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Maybe ya should reel in your wee friend..."

Britt: "Yeah. Oi! S--"

Before Britt could finish there was a sudden rumbling and ripples spread across the water just moments before a humongous sea-creature burst from the water like a whale, its jaws open wide. As the massive monster fell back to the ocean's surface Britt realised that the brute had eaten his new pet.

Britt: "Oi! Gimme back my Flying Spaghetti Monster!"

Britt angrily threw a torrent of boiling tea at the creature as its body slapped against the water. There was a low grumble as the creature submerged.

Kaptin Kwanza: "I hate to say it... but I think you just made it angry."

Britt: "What's the order you give when your ship is about to be eaten by a sea monster?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Um... BRACE FOR IMPACT!"

Britt grabbed the nearest wooden post just moments before the ship was hurled aloft. Many of the ship's crew went tumbling off through the air as the ship span upside down. From this angle Britt could see the jaws of the beast open wide. As they did so, he spotted the glowing Flying Spaghetti Monster somewhere deeper down the throat. The little bleeder was still alive.

Then.

Darkness.

Britt the Legend

Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm alive!"

Britt: "Yeah... but we're inside the whale monster."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I can hardly see anythin'. Is that your leg?"

Pinocchio: "It's my leg, Sir."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Whoa! A talkin' puppet! What're you doin' in 'ere?"

Pinocchio: "Same as you, Sir. I guess we're both tasty-looking snacks to a great whale like this."

Britt: "We need a fire. Can we burn your ship, captain?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "We could, but it's wet so it won't light. We need something for kindlin'..."

Britt: The Legend

The fire burned brightly and the two men huddled close to keep warm. From the pile of wood, Britt could still see a wooden leg poking out.

Britt: "I think I'll be traumatised by those screams for the rest of my life."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Needs must, my friend! If you're going to brave the desert, you need a stronger stomach."

Britt: "Still think we'll get there?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "I have no ship, no crew. You owe me at least an adventure."

Britt: "I was thinking more about our immediate situation."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm sure an opportunity will present itself."

The Flying Spaghetti Monster, glowing with godly light in the darkness, began tickling the innards of the whale's gullet with his spaghetti limbs. The walls vibrate.

Kaptin Kwanza: "You see?"

Britt: "I have a bad feeling about this."

The walls of the gullet vibrate more forcibly as the spaghetti works its magic. Next minute there is an almighty cough and Britt found himself whirling through the sky at an incredible speed. He slapped his hands over his eyes at the impending pain he knew he was going to feel as his descending body encroached upon he land.

----------

Some hours later Britt jolted awake as a voice cried out.

Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm alive!"

Britt: "I guess pain means alive... right?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "I hope so, my friend. Or else Heaven sucks."

Kaptin helped Britt get to his feet before he dusted down his own sea-faring garb. Britt was instantly assaulted by the Libyan heat and had to throw his fancy Italian jacket to the ground and unfastened the cravatte around his neck. While Britt felt he would die in so few clothes, Kaptin seemed immune to the heat despite wearing a long and heavy velvet jacket. He whipped out a telescope and surveyed their surroundings.

Kaptin Kwanza: "What a coincidence. Looks like we landed right on the edge of the Sahara Desert."

The stare out at the expanse of sand like a never-ending beach.

Britt: "I'm going to die."

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Twenty-five

Britt: "Okay, okay, you win Kaptin. The desert is too much of an adventure for me. Let's go back, okay?"

Kaptin Kwanza turned around and looked back the way they had come, spying their footprints in the deep sand. He then looked left, right and back to the way they were headed.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Might take longer going back now."

Britt: "Seriously?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Probably. Maybe. How the heck should I know? It's not like I often come to the Sahara Desert for leisurely walks, is it? Besides, you're giving up too soon. I'm sure we'll come across something adventurous soon enough."

Britt: "You mean burning in a desert isn't adventurous enough for you?"

Britt held out his hand and poured iced tea into the glass he held in his other hand. He gulped down the cold liquid.

Britt: "Um... I think there was something in my tea... I'm seeing things."

Kaptin Kwanza: "It's your own magical tea. Did you poison yourself?"

Britt: "Maybe... I guess it's a mirage. I think I see... a tower..."

Kaptin Kwanza squinted out into the desert. As if by magic a black obelisk materialised into existence.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Told you something exciting would happen."

Britt: "You actually want to go into that thing? Could be... monsters or something."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Maybe. But there will be shade from the sun."

Britt: "What the Hell are we waiting for!? Adventure!"

The two men ran towards the obelisk, Britt in his thin, sweat-soaked shirt and Kaptin Kwanza still in complete pirate gear. Britt, without stopping to think, dove through the crack at the base of the ominous obelisk and was instantly struck by a wall of cold. He slapped is arms around himself.

Britt: "Whoa! I'm gonna catch frostbite!"

They walked further into the underground temple, finding it to be a cavernous place with stone bridges connecting to more stone bridges.

Kaptin Kwanza: "I wonder what this place is for..."

Something appeared behind them and whispered chillingly down their spines.

Askia: "Death."

Britt: The Legend - Continued.

Britt: "Where are you taking us, Askia?"

Askia: "So you have seen me before, human? You have witnessed Death stalk the land?"

Britt: "I have. I saw you take The Commander."

Askia: "Which commander?"

Britt: "He's called Count Desmond now."

Askia: "Ah, him. A powerful and strong Roman warrior. An excellent protégé."

He led the down a series of stairs, which Britt felt he'd fall off of any minute. Kaptin Kwanza seemed to be in a state of constant thrill and wordlessly said "thank you" to Britt.

They came to a long room and at the far end of that room was a hooded figure sat in what appeared to be a throne. A throne of skulls.

Britt: "A friend of yours?"

Askia: "My maker."

Britt: "So Death has a creator? Death has a Master?"

Askia: "We are ancient NeSferatu, human. What we are defies your comprehension. Even you, as old as you are with your immortality, are not as old as me. And I am but a child compared to my Master. He is the first of us."

Britt: "I guess I thought you were the first, Askia."

Kaptin Kwanza: "So we're here to meet your boss?"

Askia: "Yes. Come."

Askia walked silently down the room, while the footsteps of Britt and Kaptin Kwanza resounded through the stone room loudly. On the walls were paintings, in all manner of styles, of people that Britt guessed were other NeSferatu.

Askia: "Master. I have found unannounced guests."

Master NeSferatu: "Indeed. Yet I knew it had to happen eventually. Britt the Barista."

Britt: "Britt the Barista is it now? You know I make tea, not coffee?"

Master NeSferatu: "Let's not quibble."

As the man stood, his hood slipped even lower over his face. Only the white chin of the man could be seen from beneath the darkness. Yet Britt had the distinct impression the man was smiling wickedly at him.

Master NeSferatu: "I have had millennia to muse over the workings of this universe. I have seen many of my children grow old and then die at human hands. A stake through the heart. A head severed. And I reached the conclusion that humans are beasts. Humans treat cows as nothing more than food. Then we should consider humans in such a way also. Then the world would be a more secure place for my kind. But I cannot populate the world fast enough with my own children before your kind will kill them."
Britt: "Really don't see how I can help you there. Oh well. Thanks for the chat. Catch you next time!"

Britt turned to leave but was stopped by Askia. He sighed.

Master NeSferatu: "I need a massive portion of the population of Earth to become NeSferatu all at once. We would no longer be overwhelmed by humanity's sheer numbers. If I drink from you, I would gain your powers at least for a short time. But that's all I need. Just one burst of your tea in a colossal raincloud that spreads across the world. Infuse that tea with my essence. Then watch as thousands of NeSferatu are born and we enslave humanity."

Britt: "Fun times... why do I always get caught up in crazy NeSferatu schemes?"

Master NeSferatu: "Narrative, Boy."

Britt: "How do you know this wacky plan will even work? I don't think NeSferatu can get powers from drinking someone's blood."

Master NeSferatu: "Not all can, no. But I can. You know I can."

Britt: "I do?"

The mysterious NeSferatu held his hands to his hood. He paused for dramatic effect. Then tugged back the hood and revealed his face.

Count Desmond: "I absorbed the power of the time-walker and travelled back to the beginning of time. Then waited. And waited."

Askia: "Is... is it possible?"

Britt: "You didn't know?"

Askia: "How could this be? I... turned you!"

Count Desmond: "Askia. My most loyal servant. Loyal... but stupid. I just told you, I went back in time. All the way back."

Britt: "Where's Chronos to arrest you? Surely creating the guy who would create you is breaking time laws?"

Count Desmond: "Actually, not creating Askia would break time laws. Because then I would never have been created and so I would never go back in time..."

Britt: "Brain... broken."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Old grudges, powerful villains and a plot to destroy the world as we know it. This is a brilliant adventure you brought me on, friend! Now, when do we begin our swash-bucklin' escape?"

Britt: "We can't fight them, Kaptin."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Thought you evaded this bloke before?"

Britt: "Fluke. Always a fluke. I've never actually beat the NeSferatu. I've never defeated them."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Seems to me like you don't have to beat them. We just 'ave to leg it. He needs you. We run. We win."

Britt: "Good point... but how to escape?"

Count Desmond: "You know we're still here, right? We can hear you."

Askia: "This is your goal, Master? This... fool?"

Count Desmond: "Don't underestimate the Main Character of a story, child."

Britt: "Yeah... don't underestimate the Main Character of a Story. Something always comes up, right Kaptin?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye. Sounds about right!"

Count Desmond's eyes narrowed.

Count Desmond: "What are you up to, Boy?"

Britt: "I am up to nothing, Commander. They, however..."

Askia and Count Desmond turned around to see a small army of wizards from Doughnutelf surrounding the throne. At the front of the group was a woman wearing white robes.

Woman: "Cult of X - defend our Saviour!"

The four men in the room glance at each other.

Woman: "Obviously I mean Britt."

Four Men: "Oooh!"

Woman: "I am Una X! Britt, escape!"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Don't need to tell me twice. C'mon, friend! Let's scarper!"

Britt: The Legend - Continued.

Britt: "I feel bad about leaving Aetas X back there."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Thought she said 'er name was Una X?"

Britt: "I thought she said that too. Weird."

The two of them hurried up a staircase, careful not to fall down into the dark chasm below where the Balrog probably lurked. As they reached the top of the stairs and finally the passageway that led back into the desert they skidded to a halt. In the doorway were a few new figures.

Niall Gilroy: "Well, well, well! If it ain't me auld pal, Britt! Fancy runnin' into you in a place like this!"

Kaptin Kwanza: "How many friends do you have?"

Britt: "This one's really not a friend. Leg it!"

The two of them about faced and started back down the stairs. However behind them appeared Askia. He put one foot on the lowest step. Above Niall Gilroy put his foot on the top step. Britt and Kaptin Kwanza stood back-to-back at the centre of the staircase.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Any last minute tricks up your sleeve, friend?"

Britt: "I might be able to use my tea powers to stop one or two of them..."

Kaptin Kwanza drew his sabre in true piratey-fashion. Britt unleashed his tea powers against those at the top of the stairs, striking one of them and knocking that NeSferatu flying into the air like a rag-doll. His body tumbled and fell down into the chasm below. However Niall Gilroy was already down the stairs and his hands stretched out for Britt's throat. Behind Britt, Askia's grip was upon Kaptin Kwanza's sword-arm, holding the blade at bay while the NeSferatu leaned closer and closer to tear the man's throat open.

The end might have happened there and then. If not for the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Fanfare tooted through the cavern as the Flying Spaghetti Monster whizzed in through the door and crashed into the whole group - sending people and spaghetti in every direction. Britt felt himself fall through the air. He reached out in desperation to grab the ledge of the suspended staircase but missed.

Suddenly he felt himself jerk to a stop, dangling over the chasm of doom. Below he saw Niall Gilroy falling and falling into that doom, along with his fellow NeSferatu, screaming curses up at him. Around Britt's waist was a vine and up above, one of the druids of Doughnutelf that had joined the Cult of X. Britt was pulled up to safety. When he reached the top he received a friendly slap on the back from a wizard and a hug from the woman he thought was Aetas X.

Britt: "Thanks guys. You showed up just in time. Twice! What're you doing here?"

Una X: "Saving you, of course."

Kaptin Kwanza: "What happened to Death incarnate?"

Askia: "It's far from over yet."

Askia had hold of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, his hand plunged deep into the mass of spaghetti. Britt cringed.

Britt: "That's just gross. Can't believe you stuck your hand in there."

Askia: "Silence! First I kill this... thing-"

The Flying Spaghetti Monster squirmed.

Askia: "-And then I cut the throats of every wizard here and toss their bodies into that chasm. Then I'll skin the African alive and eat the muscle underneath. Then, and only then, will I drag you, Britt, kicking and screaming to my Master."

Una X: "Britticus?"

Britt: "Yes?"

Una X: "Pour the tea."

Una X unleashed a sudden and unexpected ray of light that battered Askia like a lead weight and held a strange doughnuty-fragrance. Britt followed her lead and added a wave of scalding tea to the beam of energy. The Flying Spaghetti Monster managed to wriggle free during Askia's torment and added his own pasta sauce to the doughnut-tea mix. Kaptin Kwanza, not wanting to be left out, charged down the stairs and, finally, plunged his sword through that beam of light and into Askia. The hole was enveloped by the three powers.

Askia: "MASSSSSSTE--!!!!!"

Askia exploded in a violent shower of doughnut-scented light, tea-flavoured liquid and pasta. Everyone cheered in victory.

Britt: "Now for the Count."

Britt: The Legend - Continued.

Britt: "In my Story, Count, the bad guys are never going to win."

Count Desmond: "Fool. What is a 'bad guy'. It's just a matter of perspective. One day, mark my words, the people of this world will need NeSferatu and we will take control. It's just a matter of time. My people will rise to greatness. We will rise out of the darkness."

Count Desmond, in the spirit of being overly dramatic, pulled a rope hanging from the ceiling and a trapdoor opened underneath him. He dropped down it and escaped the group of wizards that had cornered him.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Do we chase him?"

Britt: "I don't think so. I've had enough adventuring for one day, I reckon."

Una X: "Uh-oh. Are you feeling tired, Britt?"

Britt: "Yeah. I just nearly died! Give me a break!"

Una X: "Everyone, gather around and entrap Britt's mind."

Britt: "What!?"

Una X: "You're about to enter BrittSleep again. I think we can stall it for you. We have to trap your mind here before it can fall into Sleep. Your sleep is not like normal sleep. It's magical in nature. So, maybe we can intervene. Your friend can also help by holding you still."

Kaptin Kwanza: "He's not goin' to have a fit is he?"

Una X: "Hopefully not! Keep him upright."

Kaptin Kwanza latches his arms around Britt.

Britt: "I'm really not comfortable with this."

Kaptin Kwanza: "If there's one thing I've learnt in this life, it's never to argue with a pretty woman."

Una X and the wizards all stood around the two of them and closed their eyes in concentration. Britt began to feel the darkness of sleep invade the edges of his vision. Then the flash of a face. The Negotiator. His voice trickled through Britt's brain, as though it was coming from another room.

The Negotiator: "They can't stop it. What they will do is break your mind, Britt. Stop them."

Britt: "I can't. It's too late."

The Negotiator: "Then you need to take your mind elsewhere. Send your mind upwards."

Britt: "What? How do I do that?"

The Negotiator: "Just think it. Feel it. Believe it. From there you'll have to find your own way back. If you can..."

Britt felt his consciousness dissolve, yet he was still aware. Downwards he felt nothing but darkness. An emptiness. Above, however, he felt something. He tried not to think of "above" as a concept because he knew it didn't exist in this aethereal existence, but that's what he aimed for. He felt like he wasn't alone. Someone was coming with him. Going to... the Heavens?

-----------

Britt opened his eyes. His body felt surprisingly light, with zero discomfort of waking up from BrittSleep. He looked around and found that he was in a very white room. The ceiling, the walls, the floor and the furniture. All white.

Britt: "Wow... is this Olympus?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Olympus? You mean Heaven, right? No one's believed in Olympus for centuries."

Britt: "Kaptin? You're with me?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Yeah. I suppose that means the spell worked. Wasn't really sure what this BrittSleep is, but whatever. Wonder if I fell asleep too?"

Britt: "I don't think we're on Earth anymore, Kaptin. I think we've... transcended."

Kaptin Kwanza: "You really think we're dead!?"

Britt: "Not... quite..."

He approached the white door and turned the white handle. The room beyond theirs was one long and equally white corridor.

Britt: "Spooky."

Kaptin Kwanza: "You really know how to show a guy a great adventure, you know that?"

Britt: "Glad you're happy."

Kaptin Kwanza: "You should choose which way to go."

Britt: "Why?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "It'll lead to the most trouble."

Britt: "Then maybe you should choose!!"

Kaptin Kwanza: "But then it's your choice to let me choose and so I'll choose the path to the most trouble anyway."

Britt: "What the--? God damn it! Fine. Let's just go this way."

They went down the corridor without seeing anyone else. They tried a couple of doors but they were mostly locked. Until they eventually came to a door that was wide open. Inside they found another white room with a desk at the centre and a woman sitting behind the desk. She was wearing an entirely red suit - trousers, shirt, tie, blazer and shoes.

Woman: "Seems you two have stumbled into somewhere you should be. Such naughty little boys you are! I'm afraid you're going to have to fill in these forms before we can start to sort out this mess!"

She tapped a finger to the top of a large stack of papers.

Britt: "Uh... where are we?"

Woman: "This is the 22nd Dimension and I am Nana. Sit down and I'll have someone fetch you a cup of coffee."

Britt and Kaptin both sat down and Nan handed them each their own huge stack of paperwork.

Britt: "I don't drink coffee."

Nan: "Sorry, in this dimension you do!"

Britt: "I still don't really understand where we are. What is the 22nd Dimension? I guess we're not in Africa?"

Nan sighed and took out a cigarette. It was entirely white like their surroundings. After she puffed on it for a few seconds she crossed her legs and started to speaking less formally.

Nan: "You are from what we call the Story Realm. That's the 6th Dimension."

Kaptin Kwanza: "We are? It is?"

Nan: "That's right. Above you we have the Heavenly and Hell Realm. So that's the 5th."

Britt: "What about Olympus?"

Nan: "Same thing. Anywhere that your God or gods are supposed to be, it's the 5th. Getting emptier and emptier that one. It doesn't work by the same physics as your dimension, so don't try to wrap your little brains around it. Just because Heaven and Hell and Olympus and the seven svargas all reside in the same Dimension doesn't mean they're all of the same place. Just trust me on this."

Britt: "Oooooooooooookay."

Nan: "The 4th Dimension usually called The l33t in your world. Never really understood why. It's basically where the... rules of the Story Realm are held in check. The mechanics of it, you might say. Some say it's where the consciousness of the Story resides, but I'm not one to speculate on that. I do know that keepers of the Story reside there."

Britt: "Keepers of the Story Realm?"

Nan: "That's right. If they feel something is happening in your Story Realm, they may intervene."

Britt: "Why haven't I seen them so far?"

Nan: "They don't pop up unless absolutely necessary. Something 'Story breaking'. Or they're bored. The 3rd Dimension is the Dreamstate."

Britt: "Oooooh. Where dreams come from? Are there dream fairies!?"

Nan: "Dream fai-- You have a very active imagination, young man."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Dream fairies?"

Britt: "Why not!? I just like the idea of women bringing me my dreams, okay?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Bet you do."

Nan: "The 2nd Dimension is what we call the Writers' Realm."

Britt: "Like the Writers of my Story?"

Nan: "Correct."

Kaptin Kwanza: "They write our story? So they're... gods? But they write the story of the gods?"

Nan: "They're beyond your gods."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Wow, we're learnin' the secrets of the universe 'ere, my friend! Should we be takin' notes, Missy? Will there be an exam?"

Nan: "No need. I'm telling you this stuff to help you with orientation."

Britt: "You didn't explain this dimension. The 22nd."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm more interested in knowing what's above the Writers! If they're above gods and they're in the 2nd Dimension, what's in the 1st?"

Nan: "The 1st Dimension is... very hard for you to understand."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Try us."

Nan: "We call it the Real World, or Real Life."

Britt: "You mean... our world? The Story Realm? Our real lives?"

Nan: "No. You don't have real lives."

Britt: "We don't?"

Nan: "You have a narrative. A story. Plot. Real Life has... real life. It's very complicated for you to understand. Frankly I don't really understand it either. It's impossible to get there. It's a one way system. Whatever real lives exist there, they can see and interact with our Realms but we cannot interact with theirs."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Woooooooooow... what's the 0th Dimension?"

Nan: "You don't want to know."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I really do!"

Britt: "You mean there really is a 0th Dimension? I thought he was just being stupid. We've come this far in your list, may as well go the rest."

Nan: "Nothing."

Britt & Kaptin Kwanza: "..."

Nan: "It's nothing. There's nothing there. The entire system of Realms, life the universes, everything... stems from nothing. I told you you didn't want to know."

Britt: "That's pretty depressing."

Nan: "Look at the bright side, there's the rest of the universe to keep yourself occupied with!"

Britt: "This dimension?"

Nan: "Sorry. Yes. This is the 22nd Dimension. We just call it Admin."

Britt: The Legend - Continued.

Nan: "7th is the timefractal."

Britt: "What does that mean?"

Nan: "Time. It's governed there. In fact there's a Time Enforcement Agency there. Your friend Chronos is there."

Britt: "Ah. That explains that."

Kaptin Kwanza: "To you maybe."

Britt: "Shouldn't time be in the l33t? The mechanics Realm?"

Nan: "Wrong kind of mechanics. It's not physics. It's Story mechanics. Story Conventions, moral balance, clichés, story limitations, all that kind of stuff. Time is held in the 7th all by itself. The 7th feeds the other Dimensions. So the 6th Dimension's time runs on the 7th. The 9th Dimension is the Realm of Story Arcs Past, where Memory Lane also is. That is directly fed by the 7th too. There you can revisit past events."

Britt: "Pretty confusing stuff. I think I'll forget it all once I leave here."

Nan: "The 10th is NeSha--"

Britt: "Wait, you missed the 8th."

Nan: "Ah. Well, the 8th is the Realm of Unwritten Plot. It contains nothing but the mists of plot. Everything that could be would come from there."

Britt: "So the future?"

Nan: "No. I suppose the 'future' would be there, alongside everything that could be. Distant plots and ideas. But also plots that could have been in the past but never were."

Britt: "So if I went there, what would I see?"

Nan: "Nothing. Just mists of plot. Once the plot becomes a reality and is materialised, then it will move straight into the 6th Dimension. So all you really see in the 8th is mist. You might see more if you spent a long time within those mists but... unlikely. I have heard of people going there and existing there, but rarely do I hear reports of Unwritten Plot sightings."

Britt: "How do we get back to the 6th?"

Nan: "Now that's the question, isn't it? First. Fill in the forms."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I never learnt to write..."

Nan: "Best learn fast then!"

Britt: "By that you mean I should do it, right?"

Nan: "Probably save us some time."

Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Six

Britt the Biro-wielder rolled around the floor of the white-walled office in blistering agony, clutching his right wrist with his left hand. That right hand was, literally, blistering.

Nan: "Forms all done! Congratulations! The last person to fill in that many forms had to have his hand reattached after it exploded."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Even I'm impressed and I fell asleep for a few hours there!"

Britt: "I want... ice cream..."

Nan: "Well I suppose a good boy deserves a little treat! What flavour would you like?"

Britt: "Doesn't matter. It's for my hand."

Nan: "Careful making movie parodies in this dimension. This is the Admin Dimension, remember? You'll have all kinds of administrative registers to file. Plus, it's awfully close to the Law Dimension."

Kaptin Kwanza: "There's an entire dimension for law?"

Nan: "With the sheer number of copyright infringements that go on in the NeSiverse, it's hardly a wonder."

Britt: "Please... the ice cream... so much... pain..."

Britt the Legend - Continued

Britt: "There must be some way back to the Story Realm."

Nan: "Don't you worry. Your forms have been sent off and we should get you authorised to be here in the 22nd Dimension in, say, three years. After that we can fill in some forms to get you some kind of special dispensation for a return trip to the Story Realm. That should only take a few decades."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Is tthat some kind of... Admin time zone. In Story Realm time, that's like... a few hours right?"

Nan smiled as sweetly as she could.

Nan: "Don't be so bloody daft."

Cont.

Nan: "I must insist that you both stop this! You've already accrued enough form-filling to take you both a dozen lifetimes to get through, you're only giving yourselves more and more work to do!!"

She, and several other administrators, are following Britt and Kaptin down the dazzling-white corridors of the 22nd Dimension, waving bunches of papers at them. Menacingly.

Kaptin Kwanza: "This place is a frickin' maze!"

Britt: "One of these doors has to lead us out of here."

They opened the closest door. Inside is a pit of Hellfire.

They quickly closed it with shrieks.

Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Seven
A door becomes visible in the mist of the 8th Dimension. The door opens, with Britt and Kaptain Kwanza stepping through.

Britt: "I can't see anything through this fog."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I can't even see the door we came through anymore. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."

Britt: "Have some faith, captain!--"

Kaptin Kwanza: "That's Kaptin, with a 'K'!"

Britt: "How do you even...nevermind. Anyway, as I was saying, have faith. We're in the realm of infinite possibilities here, and I just know I have the power to shape my future with it! Follow me, and I'll lead us to something great, you'll see!"

Kaptin Kwanza: "I can barely see you as it is."

Britt: "Hold my hand."

Kaptin Kwanza: "This doesn't mean anything, ok? I'm not ready for that adventure yet."

Britt: "What?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Nothing -- lead on!"

While holding onto Kaptin Kwanza with one hand, Britt holds his other hand out forward as he marches on, as if he could summon some all-powerful Forc--er--Metaphorce to his aid. A few dramatic moments later, and the dense mist begins to dissipate, revealing a 19th century estate in the middle of a clearing of dense woods. Kaptin Kwanza gasps as he sees the mansion before him.

Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Your power is without question, I see that now!"

Britt: "Uh... I was really trying for something a lot less ominous. Something coastal, actually, with women who would turn my story into something erotic for a change..."

Just then, someone who looks like Weird Al, or maybe Aragon, dressed in a sharp gangster-style suit bursts out of the front doors of the mansion and stomps angrily towards them, waving a baseball bat threateningly at them.

Man from mansion: "Go away or I'll smack you both into next Tuesday -- literally!"

Britt: "Woah there! We mean no harm! We, uh, are just new to the area. The 8th Dimension, right? If you could just put the stick down--"

Man from mansion: "Who're you, and what are you doing here?"

Britt: "OK, ok, no need to hit anyone! I'm Britt, and this is my friend, Kaptin Kwanza. We came from the Admin dimension, and I had a feeling this place would be the key to my story's future."

The man from the mansion scrutinizes Britt.

Kaptin Kwanza: "He must think you a mad man."

Britt: "It'd be a fair thought. Maybe I should start from the beginning. See, when I was just a boy, I was one of the lowest dregs of society, living on the streets and performing the most menial of jobs for those of higher stations--"

Man from mansion: "I know who you are, and I'll save you the effort -- you can't control your story's future here."

Britt: "Pardon me for questioning, but how would you know?"

Man from mansion: "You think you're the first to try? I made my secret base in this estate you see, aimed to control the power of unwritten plot just as you aim to, and now I've just made my realm's time all...weird."

Britt: "Your realm?"

Man from the mansion: "Hell, the underworld, the place where a lot of people go when they die. I rule it."

Britt: "You're Hades?"

Man from mansion: "No, you idiot. I'm Jim Seven. Hades is destined to be its 23rd ruler."

Britt: "So we've traveled to the past then."

Jim Seven: "Wrong. I just told you -- time in Hell is weird now. No, by my account, the world you know is in...*checks his watch*... about 1962. Give or take a decade."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I knew those forms took centuries to fill out!"

Britt: "Well, you'll have to excuse me if I don't take your word for it."

Jim Seven: "Suit yourself. Just stay out of my stuff. I've heard your infamous legends and your relations, and I'd rather steer clear of it all. Smell you later!"

With that, Jim Seven slams the front door behind him as he shut himself back in the mansion, leaving Britt and Kaptin Kwanza to their own devices.

Britt the Legend - Chapter Twenty-Eight

As Britt moves with determination into the mists of unformed plot, Kaptin Kwanza stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Should we really be doing this? This doesn't seem right. We could find another way, yes?"

Britt stares at him in an unusually cold manner.

Britt: "I have to do this."

Kaptin Kwanza stands helpless as Britt pulls himself away and continues walking into the mists and out of sight.

However, Britt does not walk far before he sees a shadowy figure in the mists and stops.

Britt: "Step out of the way, Kaptin. I told you I have to do this."

Shadowy Figure: "I know."

Startled to hear someone other than Kaptin Kwanza, Britt eyes his surroundings.

Britt: "Who are you?"

Shadowy Figure: "I am the Story, the Plot, the Make-Believe Play and Prose of Character Threads. I am the Word That Breathes Life Into Fiction and the Running Script Which Enacts Meaning Into the Game. I am the Long Lore, the Mysterious Myth, the Permanent Draft, the Self-Consuming Tale, the White-On-Green Text."

Britt: "Oh."

The shadowy figure begins to circle around Britt slowly.

Britt: "So... Story-Plot... are you a hot woman?"

The Story-Plot stops to face-palm before continuing its pacing.

Story-Plot: "I am yet without form, for I have yet to be truly born. For now, I have had many beginnings... and many ends, just as you have, our threads interwoven together. Soon, though, my narrative will truly start, and my reign will have no end."

Britt: "And every story-plot needs a main character, right? Let me be that guy! I've practically been you already all this time."

Story-Plot: "Why? What do you quest on?"

An answer nearly escapes, but Britt stops with no answer to give.

Story-Plot: "You cannot be my protagonist for you have no purpose; you are but mere entertainment. However, you have many children. Your legend will end, but your legacy will live on through them."

Britt: "Children I never raised... My legacy is my own. I want my purpose to be the journey, not the destination. I want my story to never end, just like you."

Story-Plot: "Your story must end."

The Story-Plot stops pacing around Britt for a moment as it considers something.

Story-Plot: "However... your story has always ended."

Britt: "Huh?"

Story-Plot: "My story will never-end soon, and yet my plot... I may need you yet."

Britt: "I'm not sure I like the sound of this."

A dark cord becomes visible from the Story-Plot's navel, reaching up into the darkening mists to an unseen source. Another cord appears, and it cannot be told whether the cord stabs Britt into his navel or if the cord had always been there, but as it becomes visibly connected, Britt falls over in pain and into a fetal position. As Britt's own vision darkens, he sees the Story-Plot loom over him.

Story-Plot: "Your will end. Ever-ending..."

-----------------------------------------------

When Britt regains his vision, Kaptin Kwanza stands over him, visibly worried.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Britt, wake up! I figured you wanted to be left alone to take a nap, but the people from that Admin place have found us. We have to get out of here! Do something!"

Britt: "What?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Use your crazy powers to make an escape door or something!"

Britt: "We're stuck in the middle of nowhere. I can't just make a nonsensical hole to another place with a snap of my fingers like that!"

To emphasis his point, Britt snaps his fingers. Irony, however, is the best way to will a Writer to do something, and in that moment, a plot-hole forms under Britt and Kaptin Kwanza.

They immediately fall into it.

Britt the Legend: Chapter Twenty-Nine

1962.

The Sleeper awakes.

Britt: "Argh. Just once, I wish they'd give me a pillow."

He rolled his head side to side, trying to get the crick out of it. He found himself in another shrine-like room. Always with the shrines. He would have tried to stretch his arms but he found he was inside a stone cage. The frame was placed atop of the slab he lay on and seemed to be protecting him from falling debris. Or something. He tried to push it, but it was too heavy for his weak limbs.

Then he noticed something moving. It shuffled towards him.

Britt: "Uh... hello?"

It shuffled faster.

Britt: "Eep?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Britt! We made it back!"

Britt: "AAaaaaaaaargh!! Zombie!!!"

Kaptin Kwanza: "That's not a nice thing to call your friend."

Britt: "...Kaptin?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Of course. Who did you think I am? Zeus?"

Britt: "Um... you look... different?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "I do?"

Britt: "You look... well... dead."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Dead people don't talk."

Britt: "No they don't. But they do... decay..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Hold on, let me get this thing off of you."

With what Britt regarded as inhuman strength, despite having no muscles left, Kaptin lifted and tossed the stone cage off of Britt's slab.

Kaptin Kwanza: "I really didn't think we'd make it back from that 8th Dimension, you know? But look at us! I'm alive!!"

Britt: "Um..."

He looked at his own hands. As usual he was fine. Flesh, blood, living tissue. He looked up at Kaptin again.

Britt: "I guess we returned to our bodies. My body doesn't age, so it's just like I went to sleep. Your body though..."

Kaptin finally looked down at his hands. He screamed.

Britt: "It's okay! It's okay! Maybe we can find you some... skin... or something."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm a skeleton! How am I a skeleton!?"

Britt: "I suppose your soul, or whatever, brought your corpse back to life? I mean... that makes sense, right? Although I don't understand how you're able to talk... You haven't got a tongue or lips..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "That's it. My sex life is at a premature end."

Britt: "That does suck. But at least you never have to worry about money again! No need for food. No need for water, even."

Kaptin Kwanza: "And I do have super-strength!"

Britt: "Yeah! Always a bright side!"

There was a loud thud and dust tumbled down upon their heads.

Britt: "What the buggery was that?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Suppose we'd best check out where we are. I think we're still in that obelisk."

The two of them managed to shuffle through the room, Britt from the aches in his muscles and Kaptin from his lack of muscles. They entered a new room that was brightly lit with torches.

Britt: "Who lit these?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Maybe those cultist people are still here?"

Britt: "Or the NeSferatu."

Kaptin Kwanza drew his sword. Despite being nothing but bones, his clothes still seemed to hang onto his body as they always had done. A real skeleton pirate.

A large slab of stone began to move, grinding its way across the stone floor and dislodging centuries of dust.

A lone figure stood in the new doorway. A pith-helmet, loose-fitting linen shirt, satchel, shorts and worn-down boots. The woman, upon sighting the two time-travellers, rose a gun and them. Then fired.

The bullet went straight through Kaptin's bones and pierced his coat before flying at the wall behind them.

Kaptin Kwanza: "She shot me!"

Britt: "Bloody hell! Leg it!"

They started to run away from the crazy lady with a rifle.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Why is she shooting at us?"

Britt: "God knows. Just find somewhere to hide."

Kaptin Kwanza: "In here."

They dove into a small room that appeared to be an altar. They crouched down behind a long bench.

Silence fell as the two cowered behind the wood.

Britt: "Do you think she's gone?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Hush!"

Then Britt saw the rifle's muzzle touch Kaptin's skull.

Britt: "Wait! Don't kill us!"

Woman: "He's already dead! Undead, I'd say!"

Britt: "Yes. Sort of. So what? That's not a reason to kill him! Again."

She frowned at him.

Woman: "I thought he was trying to eat you or something."

Kaptin Kwanza shot to his feet.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Whoa, now! What do I look like!? I wouldn't eat another human! Well there was that one time I was stranded on an island with two other blokes. But that was necessary. And that time we were drifting at sea... and when we went on holiday to Tibet... And that time..."

Britt: "Dude..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I'm not even currently capable of eating anything. Look at me. Where's it gonna go?"

She lowered her rifle and looked at Britt.

Woman: "I hope you're not here for the treasure. It's mine."

Britt: "What treasure?"

Woman: "That's what I like to hear. I don't know exactly what it is. I just know there's a cult that protects it. I've killed a few of them when they attacked me. Tried to use voodoo on me, or something. Made short work of it. The rest scattered when I killed their oracle."

Britt: "That sounds bad."

Woman: "Haven't seen any shiny rocks around though. Disappointed so far."

Britt: "I think I might be the treasure you're looking for..."

Woman: "You!?"

Britt: "Cults tend to spring up around me when I enter BrittSleep."

She whipped the rifle up and aimed straight at Britt.

Woman: "Explain. Quickly."

----------

Sometime later Britt and Kaptin are being herded into a jeep.

Britt: "This isn't very nice, you know?"

Woman: "Just be grateful I don't lock you in a cage, like I usually do with rare animals I find."

The pair of them sit in the back seat. Britt tried to fix his cravatte but most of the material had rotted away. The jeep, which Britt found to be a terrifying carriage, zoomed across the flat desert and away from the obelisk.

Britt: "At least tell us where we're going?"

Woman: "Nevada."

Britt: "Never heard of it."

Woman: "It's in the United States of America."

Britt: "Nev-"

Woman: "New country. Very far away, so lots of travel time. Hope you like to sleep."

Britt: "Sleeping has never been the problem. It's the waking up."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I wonder if I ever need to sleep again..."

Woman: "You'll find out on this journey, I guess. My name's Polly, by the way. Polly Simon. I'm an archaeologist of sorts."

Kaptin Kwanza: "The sort that shoots people."

Polly Simon: "You're not a person."

Britt: "The cultists?"

Polly Simon: "They tried to kill me."

Britt: "This is going to be a lovely trip. I can just tell..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "That was sarcasm, right?"

Britt: "Most definitely."

Britt the Legend - Chapter Thirty

Britt: "I never imagined there could be some long-lost continent across the ocean..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Meh. I knew it was here."

Britt: "Don't lie."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I ain't lyin' to you, fella. Been here a few times."

Britt: "Then why didn't you ever tell anyone?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Because then someone else would show up and start stealing all the adventures!"

Britt: "That... that's the most stupid--"

Polly: "We're here."

Britt and Kaptin peered out of the window of the car. Since joining up with Polly Simon, the two had flown across the Atlantic Ocean in a contraption Polly called an 'aeroplane' and were then driven across the new nation known as the 'U.S. of A.' and were finally being brought to some super-top-secret location in Nevada. Britt didn't think much of the place.

Britt: "It's very... barren around here."

Polly: "Were you expecting gardens and temples?"

Britt: "Well actually--"

Guard: "You can go in Ms Simon."

The guard returned the keycard to Polly and she drove the vehicle through the gates of Area 51. The facility was unlike anything Britt had ever seen. Metal and stone, fabricated light and dull clothing. The only thing that remained the same were the soldiers. Straight-backed and stern. He decided not to stray too far from Polly lest he wind up being impaled with whatever weapons they carried.

After following Polly through the corridors and rooms of the strange bunker, Britt and Kaptin were bustled into a confinement room. Polly said someone would come to see them, she had to wash.

Britt: "And I suppose we don't need to wash, huh?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "I haven't bathed in ten years."

Britt:

Kaptin Kwanza: "So, when do we break out of here? I'd been waiting for some kind of cue from you the whole trip. Guess you wanted to wait until we were in the most peril to make our daring escape? More adventure that way, right!?"

Britt: "Uh..."

Kaptin Kwanza: "She pilfered my sword, but she didn't get this..."

The Kaptin whipped out his ancient 15th-century pistol he'd hidden within the folds of his coat.

Britt: "You've had that this entire time?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye. I've only got a wee bit of powder for the thing. Can't go firing it willy-nilly."

Britt: "Okay... did you count the number of guards on the way in?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye. A lot of 'em."

Britt: "Do you have enough powder to shoot them all?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "No."

Britt: "How many?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Erm... three. If I fire true."

Britt: "Great. Loving this plan so far."

The door opened and an old man entered the room. He had a bedraggled grey beard flecked with the original black it must have once been. His head, unlike his chin, was bare. He wore an old, moth-eaten sweater and smelt like stale pipe smoke.

Kaptin Kwanza: "Alright, we lamp this one and then make our escape."

Britt: "You want to deck an old codger?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "He's probably some old military guy! C'mon! Adventure time!"

Britt: "The adventure of battering old blokes..."

Kaptin swung his skeletal fist straight at the old man. Evidently Kaptin hadn't expected the old man to actually be former military, so when Kaptin's fist was caught mid-flight, his skull-eyes widened with surprise. In a flurry of ninja-quick movements, Kaptin was on the ground and the old man was standing over him - victorious.

Britt: "Wow. That was impressive. You okay down there, Kaptin?"

Kaptin Kwanza: "Aye. I think I bruised somethin' though."

Britt: "You haven't got anything to bruise."

Kaptin Kwanza: "I do. I think it was my ego."

The old man took out a pipe, lit it and drew a few puffs before he spoke.

Old Man: "Are you going to behave yourselves?"

Britt: "Probably not. But don't hold that against us, we're just born that way."

The old man sighed.

Old Man: "I'm too old to be playing games with either of you. I can't restrain myself like I once did."

Britt: "Uh... okay. We'll try to behave... just don't kill me."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Or me!"

Britt: "You're already dead, Kaptin."

Kaptin Kwanza: "Way to kick a guy when he's down, Britt."

Britt: "Don't tempt me."

Old Man: "If you boys would kindly be seated, I have a few questions for you. Then you'll be free to go."

Britt: "Yeah... I totally believe you..."

Old Man: "Believe me or not, I still want to ask you some questions."

Britt slumped down on his stool and Kaptin, after groaningly getting to his feet, perched his pelvis on the seat beside Britt.

Old Man: "Let's start with your names..."

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-One

Kaptin: "So you know who we are. Now, who are you?"

Old Man: "Prime."

Britt slammed his face into the table.

Kaptin: "Uh... you okay there buddy?"

Britt slowly raised his now burning face to look at the old man.

Britt: "Are you guys stalking me?"

Prime: "Afraid so! Usually someone in a generation of Prime's becomes obsessed with the story of Britt. Britt the Legend. It's incredible that I'm alive for this moment."

Kaptin: "If you knew who we were, why bother questioning us?"

Prime: "If I accepted everyone that claimed to be Britt, there would be... five and a half Britt's in total."

Britt: "Such a specific number. Wait, did you say half?"

Prime: "Someone claimed to be possessed by your spirit once. Strange business this esoteric stuff."

Britt: "Riiiiiiiiiiiight."

Prime: "Besides, I need your story as completely as possible. Past generations haven't taken down detailed accounts as much as I'd like. And some have been rather liberal with the facts. Flying spaghetti monsters of all things."

Britt: "Yeah. I hated that thing."

Prime: "That was r-- Okay, so. Mind if I take some notes and you can tell me the complete story of your life?"

Britt: The Legend - cont.

Britt: "I rather feel I have little choice, considering where we are. Since when did my story become the interest of a government. Especially to a country that didn't even exist during my lifetime."

Prime: "Funny old world, isn't it? Stories spread and in light of recent years, governments, more than ever, search for anything that might give them... a leg up. Including the esoteric."

Britt: "Please don't call me esoteric."

Prime: "Sorry. To be honest, I barely believed you existed myself. And I'm the expert. So. From the be--"

Suddenly the wall of the room was shattered into chunks of concrete that exploded across the room as something very large and powerful burst through it.

Britt's world swirled around him as he tried to crawl across the floor where he'd landed. He could see a huge, hulk of a man howling with rage in the hole he'd just made with his face. He glared down at Britt for a moment, then stepped over him and head-butted another wall that exploded. There were cries from the subsequent room and the hulk stomped through.

Britt: "What the buggery was that?"

Prime used the table to pull himself up.

Prime: "Romanov's pet."

Britt: "Romanov? Pet?"

Romanov: "Sorry, Professor Prime. He got loose. I hope he hasn't hurt anyone?"

Prime: "We're alright."

Kaptin: "You didn't check if I was okay!"

Prime: "Uh... are you okay?"

Kaptin: "Yes."

Prime: "We're okay."

The young man nodded. He was bright-eyed, eager, energetic and would be bushy-tailed if he had a tail. His accent didn't match that of Prime, which sounded strangely English to Britt's untrained ears. Romanov sounded eastern European. In some small way it reminded Britt of Cathia...

Prime: "You're going to be in trouble for losing control of him, Romanov."

Romanov: "I know."

Prime: "A Russian defector in Area 51. You're already on thin ice. This? They'll say you let him loose."

Romanov: "I can control him. It'll just take time. The theory works. You can see. I just... it's unpredictable right now."

Britt: "What is?"

Romanov: "My super soldier serum."

He looked at Britt. Then he stared wide-eyed.

Romanov: "Wait, what clearance level are you!? Forget I said anything!"

Prime: "It's alright, Romanov. Everyone in this facility would trust Britt far more than they'd trust yourself."

Britt: "Am I being complimented, or are you being insulted, Romanov?"

Romanov held up a syringe.

Britt: "Whoa! Chill man!"

Romanov: "I need to get this into the super soldier."

Kaptin Kwanza was instantly back on his feet again.

Kaptin: "We'll handle that! Mission accepted, right Britt!?"

Britt: "What the fu--"

Romanov: "GREAT! I was really scared he'd break my spine! Rather yours than mine, right? Seems this guy is nothing BUT spine! Both metaphorically and literally..."

Kaptin snatched the syringe and slapped a hang around Britt's shoulder.

Kaptin: "Let's be off and down this beast! Show 'em how useful we are. Maybe they'll even give us full-time adventure employment like that evil woman we met before."

Britt: "I really don't wan--"

Kaptin dragged Britt into the next room. They stared down the long lines of holes-in-walls that the super soldier had charged through. Britt sighed as the two started running down the hulk-made tunnel. As they ran, they saw people in each room. A man interrogating another man. Next room, a man interrogating a woman. Next room, a woman interrogating a chicken.

Britt: "This is a really weird place. This government certainly seems obsessed with intelligence."

Kaptin: "It's like a building of super secrets, spies and science. Isn't it exciting!?"

As they neared the hulk, Kaptin roared in his charge, syringe held high.

Britt: "Dude! What're you doing!? Be quiet and he won't notice us!"

Kaptin: "This be a battle, me lad! Sword raised! Piratin' life--!"

The hulk swung his arms around and slammed both of them so hard that they flew in reverse back down the passage. Britt groaned as he felt his body complain about being so maltreated. He rolled onto his side.

Interrogator: "Where is it? Where is it!?"

The man screamed down at a fish.

The fish flopped.

Interrogator: "Don't give me that trash! I know it was you!"

Fish: "Glub."

Interrogator: "A likely story!"

Britt: "Makes me miss the rest of the weird crap in my life... Kap-- ack!!"

The hulk hoisted Britt up by his ankle, dangling the Roman-born in the air. With his other hand he lifted Britt into his arms and yelled with a deep, terrifying voice;

Hulk: "AAAAAAMEERICAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

Britt: "KAAAAAAAAPTIIIIIIN!!!"

The hulk lowered his arms, preparing to throw Britt up against the rock-solid ceiling where Britt's brains would surely be splattered.

The needle spiked the skin on the hulk's lowered hand. Although the brute didn't notice it, the effects were instant. The hulk's left arm still worked with full might, but the right was instantly dead. As the hulk tried to throw Britt's body upwards, instead the man went flying to the right and wound up smacking into the wall several metres away at half-power.

Britt: "Ouch... my... everything..."

The hulk stared at the syringe in the back of his hand.

Hulk: "America?"

He toppled over and was instantly snoring so loud that the room shook.

Fish: "Glub?"

Interrogator: "No, you can't have a glass of water until you tell me what you know."

Kaptin: "Ha-har! Victorious once again! Thanks for acting as bait, matey!"

Britt: "Next time, you get to be bait..."

Romanov: "Well done, you men!"

Regular soldiers trooped into the room and carted off the beast of a man. It took ten of them to slowly drag him out.

Britt: "Where the Hell were those guys!? Why didn't they do this!?"

Romanov: "Apparently they were all at lunch at the same time. Some kind of scheduling error. What a coincidence, eh?"

Britt: "Right. Just great. I think it's time for us to leave this stupid place."

Romanov: "I seriously doubt that's going to happen. Professor Prime is already talking to staff about your rooms."

Britt: "Rooms? I'm not staying the night!"

Romanov: "Rooms for the next few years."

Britt:

Kaptin: "What do you do here, Romanov? Are you a scientist."

Romanov: "That's right. I've been through military training too. I'm supposed create the Ultimate American. As you can see, there's been some side-effects. But it won't be long until that guy is mentally capable and beating my homeland into the ground."

Britt: "You're helping them create something to destroy your own homeland?"

Romanov: "Seems so. I defected from the Russian K.G.B. a couple of years ago. They were doing some... unethical things that I wanted no part of."

Britt glanced down the passage of broken walls.

Britt: "And this isn't?"

Romanov: "When I say unethical I mean, personally unethical."

Britt: "..."

Romanov: "They wanted clones."

Britt: "You mean... copies of people?"

Romanov: "Exactly."

Britt: "So clones are unethical, but experimenting on a bloke so he can smash concrete with his face is a-okay?"

Romanov: "Well when you put it that way. It's just a personal choice. I think creating entirely new life is... irresponsible."

Kaptin: "But destroying your homeland. Your own people?"

Romanov: "One adjusts. One copes."

Kaptin: "Aren't you too young to be in charge of something like this, besides the fact that they think you're the enemy."

Romanov: "Did I forget to mention I'm a genius? Plus I'm dating the daughter of a C.I.A. chief."

Britt rolled his eyes.

Britt: "I still can't believe they let you do all this. Ever thought of escaping? Running away?"

Romanov: "All the time."

Britt: "Where would you go?"

Romanov: "I don't know. Somewhere they couldn't me. The Himalayas or something."

Britt looked to Kaptin.

Kaptin: "Mountains."

Britt: "Oh. Well, if you help us, we can all--"

Prime: "So! Britt! There's someone I need you to meet!"

Romanov faded into the background, easily dodging attention when Prime was so focused on his work.

Britt: "Don't tell me it's another ancestor? I'm getting a bit tired of you lot."

Prime: "No. I do recall a story about you travelling very far away."

Britt: "Africa?"

Prime: "Not quite."

Prime led the Sleeper and the skeleton through Area 51 until they reached one of the lowest levels, and most secretive. The whole while Prime got Britt to relay parts of his history. Kaptin was also intrigued by the parts of the tale he didn't already know. Eventually the three of them stepped into a cavernous room.

Prime: "We tend to keep the lights low down here. Helps the brain to study. Sorry it's so dark. Lights!"

There were already a couple of lights that seemed to illuminate a strange structure with a few white-coated scientists milling about. Then more lights came on and revealed a large, white vehicle that reminded Britt of the aeroplane he'd travelled across the Atlantic in.

Prime beamed at Britt expectantly.

Britt and Kaptin looked at each other before they turned back to Prime.

Britt: "Is this your aeroplane?"

Prime's face fell.

Prime: "No. No, it's... it's alien."

Britt: "As in, not from here?"

Prime: "There's a part of your story you still haven't touched on. A part we're all very interested in."

Man: "Specifically your time spent... off-world."

Britt looked up to the new speaker. He was young, handsome and brown-haired. There was something strangely familiar in his features and a knowing sparkle in the man's eyes.

Man: "Ohqeanos Or Simon."

Britt: "Sim-- Prime! You said no more ancestors!!"

Prime: "Oops?"

Britt the Legend - Chapter B.U.M.P.!

B.U.M.P.!

Prime:: "Ow! What was that for?"

Britt: "For making me meet another of my stupid ancestors!"

Prime: "Do you mean descendants?"

Britt: "Whatever -- you know what I mean! The important part is the stupid!"

Ohqeanos Simon starts to tear up in confused hurt.

Prime: "Runs in the family."

Britt: "What?"

Prime: "You made him run away."

Britt turns to see Ohqeanos run away crying.

Prime: "He's rather sensitive."

Britt: "For crying out loud..."

Prime: "Yes, that's what you made him do. Good job."

Britt: -___-

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-Two

Britt tried not to breathe too heavily onto the glass of his helmet. The world felt smaller, tighter, more claustrophobic since he donned the space helmet. He struggled to turn his head to look at his co-pilots.

Britt: "How did you convince me to do this again?"

Ohqeanos: "You'll do your country proud!"

Britt: "My country hasn't existed for centuries."

Ohqeanos: "I'll buy you doughnuts?"

Britt: "Hate them!"

Ohqeanos: "... sure we're related?"

Britt: "You tell me!"

From behind Britt, Kaptin Kwanza piped up.

Kaptin: "For the adventure, Britt! Remember!? The adventure!!"

Britt: "Oh right... yippee..."

Britt twirled his gloved finger in the air.

Ohqeanos tested the mic and through it the voice of Professor Prime came through clearly.

Prime: "Good luck, everybody."

Kaptin: "With luck our engines will fail and we'll be stranded on a spacestation and have to fight off hordes of alien beasties!"

Britt squirmed in his seat as he tried to turn around and glare venom at his long-term friend.

As he turned his head he caught sight of the hulking brute from earlier.

Britt: "Remind me why that man-beast is coming with us?"

A second voice came through the speaker.

Romanov: "He needs to have an outing. It'll help give him a better understanding of the world. Get his mind in gear."

Hulk: "AMMMMEEEEEERICA!"

The hulk of a man grinned at Britt with childish glee.

Britt: "I hope my health insurance is paid for."

Ohqeanos: "It is."

Britt: "And why is my captor coming with us?"

Polly: "I didn't really capture you..."

Kaptin: "You shot me."

Polly: "You're fine now, aren't you?"

Ohqeanos: "Well, she's with us because... she's not from Earth."

There was a moment of silence in the spacecraft.

Ohqeanos: "She's from Jupiter."

Britt's eyes widened.

Britt: "WHAT!?"

He started slapping buttons close to him.

Britt: "Where's the ejector seat!?"

Ohqeanos: "Calm down! What's the problem!? This is why you're coming with us, you've made this trip before!"

Britt: "Because they're bonkers! Last Jupiterian woman I met tried to feed me to a god... bird... thing."

There was another moment of silence.

Kaptin: "Wow... the adventures I missed..."

Britt: "I want OFF!"

Suddenly the count-down began.

Britt: "... you did that on purpose."

Ohqeanos: "We're going to be the first humans to land on Jupiter!"

Britt: "..."

Ohqeanos: "Well... for the second time..."

Britt: "I would have bought the t-shirt, but everyone there wears next to nothing."

Ohqeanos' eyes lit up and he stared vacantly at Britt until Polly interrupted his train of thought.

Polly: "Head out of the clouds, please."

Ohqeanos: "Right... final checks."

Polly: "Don't worry, Britt, dear, I won't feed you to any gods."

Britt: "Sure. I believe you."

Polly: "I'll just sacrifice you to the Lord of the Mountain and feast on your bones."

Britt:

Ohqeanos: "Hah! She's such a tease!"

Britt's head turned to face Ohqeanos slowly.

Britt: "Deluded fool..."

Professor Prime's voice chimed in with the final countdown.

Prime: "Ten."

Britt: "Wait, what if I have to pee?"

Prime: "Nine."

Ohqeanos: "Pee in you suit."

Prime: "Eight."

Britt: "EEW! I thought people were supposed to be MORE civilised!?"

Prime: "Seven."

Britt: "Look, I really want off. I don't want to go!"

Prime: "Four."

Britt: "Huh? Did he just skip some numbers?"

Prime: "No?"

Britt: "You totally di--!!"

Prime: "BLAST OFF!!"

Britt: "WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

The engines ignited.

Kaptin: "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

The Cold War sci-fi rocket left the ground.

Polly: "I'll have to bake us some celebratory cookies when we arrive!"

The rocket soared through the skies of the Earth.

Ohqeanos: "COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES!!!!"

The rocket broke through the atmosphere and entered the dark of space.

Hulk: "AAAAAMEEEEEEERICAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

The rocket cruised away from the Earth and Britt got to see the little blue planet for the second time.

Ohqeanos: "Time to sleep!"

Britt: "Wait, you're putting me to sleep!? Not a goo-- ZzzzzzzzzZ..."

Britt: The Legend - Chapter Thirty-Two and a Bit

The Negotiator: "Nearly there, Sleeper."

Britt: "Nearly where, exactly? Jupiter?"

The Negotiator: "The new beginning."

Britt: "New... beginning? Of what?"

The Negotiator: "The contracts have been signed. The plans are made."

Britt: "What contracts? And what plans? For the Story, you mean?"

The Negotiator: "You really shouldn't sleep so much."

Britt: "Well if you want to complain about that, perhaps you should have made my eternal life more efficient."

The Negotiator: "Your life is not eternal."

Britt: "Wha--?"

-----------

Britt snapped awake and stared out of the window at the planet before them. It was strange, the planet looked very un-Jupiter-like. He glanced around the cockpit to find everyone else was still sleeping.

Britt: "Lazy sods."

Hulk: "Zzzz...merica...ZZZZzzz"

As he stared at them a cunning plan forms in his mind. A wicked grin streaks across his face. A felt pen emerged from his pocket.

Kaptin: "Dude."

Britt: "WAAAAAAAARGH!!!!"

Britt and Kaptin flounder about on the floor, scrabbling for the pen as though it were a sword. They rolled until they hit the chair belonging to Polly. The wake-up sequence turned itself on. Somehow. Technology, right?

Britt: "How are you even awake!!?"

Kaptin: "I'm dead, I can't sleep!"

Britt: "All these weeks?"

Kaptin: "Weeks? Ha! Try months! I've been bored to tears. Or I would if I could cry."

Britt: "Can we get up now? And give me my pen back. You ruined a perfectly good prank, you know? Scaring the bejesus out of me."

Polly: "Did I just hear... months?"

Britt: "The evil Queen of Jupiter is awake then."

Kaptin: "That's right. It's been terrible. I don't think it was fair to leave me with the responsibility to wake you lot up just because I'm dead. It's discrimination. Just because I'm mortally challenged!"

Polly: "It should only have taken weeks!"

Kaptin: "Uh... really? I only woke Britt up when we came to a planet..."

Polly: "We came to no other planets?"

Kaptin: "Nope."

Polly got up and activated the wake-up sequence on Ohqeanos. As she leant over his chair, the yellow lights of the cockpit caught her youthful features and, for a brief moment, Britt was struck by her unearthly beauty. It didn't last long as he remembered the previous Jupiterian was also beautiful. And insane.

Polly looked at the world outside. Then at Kaptin.

Kaptin: "... Well... There was one other planet. But it was a big ball of gas, so I ignored it. And I was playing Minecraft at the time. Man, those exploding green guys are a pain. Scared the crap outta me."

Both Britt and Polly facepalm.

Kaptin: "I still get scared! Just because I'm mortally challenged--"

Britt: "That WAS Jupiter. It looks like gas, but beneath that swirlling gas cloud there's a weird planet with half-naked men and women prancing about!"

Ohqeanos: "How... did you know my dream?"

Polly: "We're talking about Jupiter."

Ohqeanos: "Oh right. That's... what I was dreaming about... yeah..."

Britt: "Where the buggery are we, if not Jupiter?"

Polly: "Not in our solar system. Turn communications on. Let's see if there's anything down there."

The Comms system sprang to life and a battery of voices overwhelm the cockpit. Ohqeanos tampered with the settings until just one stream could be heard.

The voice seemed to have a strangely Mexican sound...

Voice: "Get the best holiday packages in all of Espa-nol! See the Costa del Sol, Seville Cathedral or visit the island of Ibiza! We even offer trips to our Earth-bound, and inferior, counterparts at discount prices!"

Ohqeanos: "An entire planet of... hispania?"

Voice: "Be sure to pick up your complimentary tacos!"