*Janitor Bob claps, but out of rythym*

------------

*The fairy cracks open her/his eyes as Doctors bustle about bringing in IVs, anesthetics, chainsaws, and little cotton disenfectant swabs.*

*The lead surgeon, Dr. Geb hovers over the fairy with both compassion and nervousness in his eyes. The rest of his face is covered in a green surgeons mask, and his hands with plastic gloves.*

Dr. Geb: Nurse! Did you get it's name?

Attractive, but yet intelligent assistant: It's name is... er... The Never Ending Story Thread?

Dr. Geb: Cripes! No! I knew him! I knew him well. I can't let him die. Quick! More morphine!

Fairy: Uh... I feel horrible...

Dr. Geb: You're alive... speaking!

Fairy: What happened... I feel like I've just ran a cross-country race.

Dr. Geb: You've inhaled the airborne version of the deadly Toxin Word Assossiation, with sideaffects of Laziness and Apathy!

Fairy: Crud. Oh, well. I don't care. I've lived long enough. It's time for me to go the way of the Spooky Taco and die.

Dr. Geb: No! You can't! You've got so much too live for!

Fairy: Like what.

Dr. Geb: Like... like... uh... Nurse. Can you help me out here.

*Quietly, almost imperciptebly a sound is heard. A faint sound, but it gets louder. Finally, it is audible. A shaking sound... a steady beat... the sounds of hands clapping together.*


*The clapping builds and builds, as writers and characters unite together to save the NeverEnding Story thread.*

*Galvatron, Ares, Ms. Fire, RobX, Arbiter, Enchilada man, all scream and hoot and holler.*

*The Y2k Beast, Morris, and even Darkside start halfheartedly clapping, because without the Never Ending Story thread, they'd be out of a Job.*

*Dart Wader, Ben Stine, Gonk and others join the succession.*

*Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, and Harvey lead a Candlelight Vigil around the Hospital.*

*Random Audience Member, and Ugo Employee #5, wave banners and start singing: "ALL WE ARE SAYING, IS GIVE THE NEVERENDING STORY A CHANCE"*

*More characters flood the area, General Gordita, the Aspuragus Troopers, Phil the Ugo Driver. They cheer: "WE WANT NES. WE WANT NES!*

*17 Soviet Helicopters encircle the building with loudspeakers, as Last True Evils give their words of Encouragement.*

Ares Clone's #4-72: Yeah. Go NES. Yip-de-doo.

*A tear comes to Dr. Geb's eye and he turns to the fairy.*

Dr. Geb: See. All those people want you back. All those people believe in you. They know that you have fought long and hard, but must live to fight longer and harder. You are their existence... their identity.

*The Star Spangled Banner plays in the background.*

Dr. Geb: So, what I'm saying, what I'm telling you, is that you just aren't a story! You just aren't a thread! You just aren't a collection of 1's and 0's to form HTML encoded text on a page! You are an Assemblege of thoughts and ideas! YOU ARE THE FUTURE!

*The Clapping builds to a cresendo.*

Dr. Geb: This is time. This is the day. Now, you need to stand up against adversity and apathy! You need to get off that hospital table and prove yourself to all those needy people out there, that you are... the... NEVER... ENDING... STORY! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, NES! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE!

*The Fairies eyes flutter wide open.*

Fairy: You're right. You're absolutely right! I'm going to GO OUT THERE and survive. Not for me. Not for myself. But for those people out there. For the others. For the World.

*The Fairy jumps out of the bed, rips out his IVs and flexes it's muscles.*

*The Fairy turns in the General Direction of the Super Star Destroyer.*

Fairy: Okay! I'm back. And this time I'm not going to go down so easily. None of this "I don't believe in the Neverending Story" junk. I'm still going to need your clapping. I'm still going to need support. But I'm telling you... Mr. Word Association...

*The Fairy rolls up it sleeves. Dr. Geb tosses it some sunglasses.*

Fairy: It's Showdown time.


------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited October 20, 2001).]

*With a wave of his/her/its hands, the fairy sets the time line right. The SSD Windows explodes like it should have, and it happened to drop a shard of debris onto Osama Bin Laden. (Unfortunately, he survived.) Anyways, MZZT, PM, and Geb are looking up at it*

MZZT: Didn't we do this before?

I made this post to simplify things, and to make everyone less confused (hopefully)... of course this doesn't mean our new fairy friend won't help us in other ways at key points... I would have made a better post but I'm at a friend's house at a birthday party so I had to keep it short.

------------------
I pity the foo who pity the foo!

*The Otter and MaybeChild stroll through the darkened night-time streets, black ski masks in hand. Maybe looks annoyed.*

Otter: "I'm telling you, that Play Centre was a laboratory earlier today! They must have very quickly changed it!"

Maybe: "Right, Otter. Next you'll have me believe that Microsoft assassinated JFK."

Otter: "What?? Are you purposely trying not to see the truth?! Everybody knows Microsoft assassinated JFK!"

Maybe: "It's all right, Otter, I'm not falling for anymore of your practical jokes. You can stop now."

*Maybe and Otter walk past a darkened alley. There is a rustling noise in the alley, and Otter suddenly stops and rushes back to the alley's entrance.*

Otter: "Did you see that?"

Maybe: "See what? A bloodthirsty leprechaun-man? Stop kidding around, Otter."

Otter: "No, the Hamster-Man! He was in this alley as we walked by! He was looking at me!"

*Maybe sighs annoyedly and walks away. TheOtter hesitates, looks back at the alley, and then follows.*

Otter: "I think he's after me, Maybe. I don't know why, but he is."

Maybe: "Grow up, Otter!"

*Deep in the shadows of the alleyway, two vile glowing red eyes open, dripping evil. A low, rumbling growl is heard, followed by a high-pitched, hamsterish squeaking noise. Cue dark music.*

----------------------------------------------------

*Meanwhile, in the local courtroom, Krig is preparing for his first criminal case. Which is to say, he's gnawing on his war-axe's handle. Beside him, nervously shifting around in his chair and sweating, is Krig's client, the Clown. He is still wearing full clown gear. The Judge, an old guy in a white wig, is picking his teeth with his gravel.*

Krig: "When Krig get to smash things?"

*Clown looks at Krig out of the corner of his eyes, gulps, and moves his chair further away from the short, hairy Viking. At that moment, the Prosecution enters the building. It is apparent from the way he looks that he is evil. He has an angular, almost pointy face, with black greased-back hair. Two small pieces of hair inexplicably stand up on either side of his head, like horns. Overall, he looks like Satan himself pretending to be a lawyer. Or a lawyer pretending to be Satan. Not that that would take a lot of pretending, either way. The Prosecution walks over to Krig and leans over to introduce himself.*

Prosecution: "Hi, Krig, I understand you're the defence lawyer for this case? I just thought I'd like to introduce myself, so we get off on the right foot. I'm John T. Updike, and I'll be the attorney for the prosecution in this case."

Krig: "Raaargh... Krig not see happy birdie. That make Krig sad."

*Mr. Updike looks startled, then his eyes narrow and he leans closer to Krig.*

Mr. Updike: "Listen here, you little runt, I've never lost a case in my entire career - well, except for that whole Barney the Dinosaur vs. The State of Florida thing, but that doesn't count - and I'm not going to let you ruin my perfect record, you understand? I don't care if this guy's guilty or not, he's going down, and you're going down with him, you understand? Or is that too complex for that little brain of yours?"

*Krig looks puzzled for a moment, blinks his eyes, then punches Mr. Updike in the face. Mr. Updike is knocked out cold. Small cartoon birds fly around his head.*

Krig: "Heehee, evil-lawyer-man have happy birdies! Krig happy now!"

Clown: "Well, I guess I better start planning how to escape from jail now, 'cause they're never gonna let me go after this..."

*Meanwhi--er--Later, the Prosecution has called its first witness. It is a skinny man dressed in a striped shirt and white face-paint.*

Mr. Updike: "So, Mr. -- Mime #6, is it? Where were you on the night of the murder?"

*Mime #6 makes a rapid series of gestures, several of which appear to signify that he is trapped in an invisible box.*

Mr. Updike: "Could you speak up? I can't understand a single word you're saying!"

*Mime #6 makes another series of gestures. He appears to either be playing invisible tennis, or killing someone with an invisible axe.*

Mr. Updike: "Your honour, could we get a translator in here? I don't speak Mimish"

*Suddenly, the courtroom door bursts open. The Otter lunges into the room, and points at one of the jury members.*

Otter: "AHA! The Hamster-Man! You can't hide now, I've got you!"

*The entire courtroom goes silent, looking at theOtter. In the distance, a cricket chirps, and a tumbleweed blows across some street. MaybeChild rushes into the room.*

Maybe: "Ok, Otter, lets go. There's no Hamster-Man here."

Otter (being dragged outside by Maybe): "I could have swore that I saw him come in here! Ow! Leggo my ear!"

*The doors flap shut. Dead silence reigns.*

Mr. Updike: "That was... Um... Unexpected. Ah, I see the Mimish translator has arrived!"

*Standing next to the witness box is a man dressed in a night black robe and hood. The only part of his face visible is his glowing red eyes. When he speaks, his voice is a whispered hiss.*

Translator: "Iiii am the Mimishhhh Transsslator. What do you wishhhh of meeee?"

Judge: "Er, you're unexpectedly - ah - evil, for a Mimish Translator..."

Translator: "Yessss, I wassss once a Mimmmme myssself, and it hassss corrupted meeee."

Judge: "I see. I should have known. Only a former Mime could understand the evil gestures of this dark cult of pantomime. Proceed, Mr. Updike."

What will happen as this intense legal drama unfolds? Will the infamous rivalry between clowns and mimes prove to be the death of one of the major players? Or will everything wind up in a mildly amusing and confusing dramatic finale? Did I mean to rhyme in my last sentence? Find out the answers to these and/or other intriguing questions next time on... whatever this story is called again.

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

So where has TLTE been all this time?

Where do dead people go? Where does the eternal soul wander after its corporal host is extinguished? There are many arguments to this. Maybe one of them is right. Maybe none of them are. Whatever the case, TLTE...is dead.

However, that does not mean he is gone...

*Darkness.*

TLTE: Helloooooo??

*If the darkness hears him, it chooses not to reply.*

TLTE: Not the Kremlin Christmas party all over again...

*Suddenly, a light flicks on in the distance. TLTE runs blindly toward it in the darkness. As he nears it, he ascertains that the light is emanating from some kind of being.*

TLTE: ...Santa?

Voice: No.

*The reverberations of the being's baritone pitch almost knock TLTE off his feet.*

Voice: I...am Zdrovsky, Lost Russian Saint of Dead NeS Characters. I am here...to offer you a deal.

TLTE: A deal?

Zdrovsky: Yes, a deal.

TLTE: Ah, a deal.

Zdrovsky: Correct. A deal.

*There is an awkward pause. TLTE goes to fiddle with the change in his pocket, before realising that he no longer inhabits a body.*

TLTE: What's...happening to me?

Zdrovsky: You were murdered.

TLTE: I was murdered? Why'd no one tell me? Bloody NeS fair-weather friends...

Zdrovsky: Your memories...are left behind, in your brain. Listen now...I have important information for you.

I have been authorised to grant you a very special bargain. If you so desire, we can send your essence back to Earth, where you can possess any body you choose and use it as a vehicle, of sorts. You can then find your corpse, inhabit it, and find your murderer.

TLTE: And then?

Zdrovsky: What you do then...is up to you.

TLTE: Hold on...what's in it for you, Shiny?

*Zdrovsky smiles.*

Zdrovsky: I work on comission, TLTE: Do you know how long it's been since those egotistical writers let their characters die?

TLTE: Good point.

Zdrovsky: So...are you in?

TLTE: Yes...I need to find my murderer.

Zdrovsky: Good. And remember; you will inhabit your host's body, and have complete control, but you will also occupy their brain, feel what they feel, see what they see...so be careful.

TLTE: Blah, blah, blah. Beam me down, Z-man.

*Zdrovsky mutters something, then waves his hands in concentric circles. Instantly, TLTE's essence is floating on a sidewalk in Las Vegas.*

Essence: Ahh, Earth...

*To his right, a boisterous rich man in a Texan outfit swaggers down the street with women draped around his arms.*

Essence: How fitting.

*TLTE's essence glides easily into the Texan, instantly occupying his thoughts and feelings. He is suddenly aware of how great he is, how stupid everyone else is, and how incredibly rich I am.*

Texan LTE: Findin' my body kin wait. First, it's time to partay!

*The girls titter and giggle, as TLTE adopts a Texan swagger...*

*Darkside is walking alone down a street. (probably because he scared the daylights out of everyone else who had been) He is in a Russian town... the capital of Moscow.*

Random Audience Farmer: Ma's Cow? My ma's cow ain't in Russia! My ma's cow's in Alabammy!

Other Random Audience Member: SHADDUP!!!

*Uh, ok... anyways, Darkside walk up to the palace and bangs on the big wooden doors.*

Darkside: Let me in!!! I have to possess someone!

Very Scared Guard: .......help meeeeeeeeeee

*Darkside abruptly turns away then flies away from the palace for about 100 yards. He then fires Force Destructions, Lightnings, and stuff at the doors. After about 5 minutes of this, the doors, guard tower, and most of the front wall are rubble.*

Darkside: Muahaahaha! (I love being a villan, a villan's laugh is so great!) Now I can posess OLTE, and take over the world in his place!

*As Darkside runs into the palace, ... um, I can't think of anything... oh, I know!*

To be continued...

*Heh... allways works like a charm... *

*Inside OLTE's palace.*

TLTETSL (The Simple Lackey): Highness...we have a problem.

OLTE: Insistent pizza delivery boys?

TLTETSL: Worse

OLTE: Heavily-armed insistent pizza delivery boys?

TLTETSL: No, sir...I'm afraid the NeS villain known as 'Darkness' is steadily battling his way through to our inner sanctum. Intelligence indicates he wishes to possess you, and take over the world in your place.

OLTE: That unoriginal so-and-so! He's stealing my shtick! Get me the biggest gun you can find, discard it and get me an even bigger one...I'm going to war.

TLTETSL: Yes sir.

*Cape billowing behind him, OLTE begins preparations for the inevitable conflict...*

*MZZT gets a microphone.*

MZZT: WAIT A MINUTE!!!

*Everyone stops and listens*

MZZT: Did you know that NeS has surpassed 1000 posts?!??!

Geb: *Looks at post count* Hey that's right... Who got the locky 1000th post?

*Heads turn and look at...*

MZZT: Hey, don't look at me!

*The heads don't stop looking.*

MZZT: It was nothing, really!

Geb: You brought NeS into the 4 didgets... that is nothing?!?!?

MZZT: Don't mention it.

Everyone: Ok. *Everyone ignores MZZT and forgets he posted the 1000th post.*

MZZT: Hey!!! That's not what I meant... I didn't say what I meant... augh.

...

MZZT: Well, I was planning to throw a party...

Ares: *Still fighting with Galv, now he stops* ... Free food?

MZZT: Yes.

*Everyone rushes to MZZT's house and crams in. The only problem is that his house was hit by a meteorite recently (don't ask, see my city blocks for the Massassi City Project when I release them.) and so there is no house, just a pit. Anyways, everyone throws a party in the pit, and MZZT cooks burgers and hot dogs on his grill.*

*Ares and Galv are restless, tho, and soon continue their fight in MZZT's Arena nearby. (The other one of my city blocks...)*

MZZT: So, Darksdie, hows the patry?

Darkside: Couldn't be better! I haven't had this much fun since page one! *Walks away toward OLTE* So, OLTE, would you rather be fighting me at your palace? I wouldn't... this is THE party of the year! Better than new years, even!

OLTE: Yes, this is definately better, especially since I hear there's a gun shop in the neighborhood where I can buy a REALLY BIG GUN(TM). Excuse me, I'll be right back. *Heads for gun shop*

Darkside: Don't start anything until we're back at your place!

OLTE: *Shouts back* Don't worry! This is a great party! I'm not gonna ruin it!

*The party ends at 7 AM the next day. Everyone sleepily goes back to their respective jobs. OLTE goes back to his palace, with a new gun to boot. (What does that mean anyways? Oh well...) Darkside hires the Demon Zombie Ghost Pirate LeChuck to help him and they both start making OLTE's palace crumble.*

This totally pointless post has been brought to you by B.U.M.P.!!! In assosiation with The Mega-ZZTer.

------------------
A 73 year old lady was stopped from boarding a plane in Chicago, because she was carrying two 6-inch knitting needles. They thought she might try to knit an Afghan! - Pastor Harry Thomas

*In a shady alley, of a shady Japanese city, a shady deal is being made*

*LTevil stands on a soapbox, and opens his trenchcoat. Inside the coat are several broken watches, a crockpot, and a glowing chunk of concrete. Curious Japanese crowd around with cameras to see the funny looking Russian man.*

*LTevil, thinking he has an active listening audience begins his spiel*

LTevil: Good morning, I’m L.T. Evil, from the Dart Wader Informercial Company. And what a great looking crowd today, every one of you. If you witches and crackpots are looking for watches and crockpots, you have come to the right place. And these are not your mother’s crockpots, we’ve got selections dating back to the Etruscan era to the modern Sears Crockpot-o-matic 7500. If you walk away from here today with empty hands, and a full checkbook, I haven’t done my job. Let’s start with…

*6 hours later*

*LTevil’s crowd has dwindled to a few drunks, a dead guy, and a curiously large and hairy man concealed in a black robe*

LTevil: Yes-sir-ee, that is a REAL Swiss watch, made by real Swiss, in Switzerland, out of Swiss cheese. Next on our lineup we have some of the original wreckage from [/I]the Chernobyl Nuclear Facility. This is a rarity that will keep the kids occupied for hours! Do I hear 20 yen for it? 20 yen? 20? This is a steal, folks!

*The mysterious man’s red eyes glint. He raises his hand and half-speaks, half growls, and half squeaks*

Mysterious Man: 3000 yen…

LTevil: I’ve got 3000 yen, from the hairy man with the ugly eyes. 3000 yen. Can I hear 4000, 4000, huh… let’s hear it folks… 4000 yen… for this be-a-utiful gen-u-ine glowing piece of wreckage…

*The same Mysterious man raises his hand*

Mysterious Man: 7500 yen.

LTevil: Uh… we’ve got 7500, can we go higher… let’s see how much money we give to this poor Russian salesman… do I hear 8000?

Mysterious Man: 120,000.

LTevil: 120,000?

Mysterious Man: 500,000.

LTevil: Uh…

Mysterious Man: 9,000,000 yen…

LTEvil: Nine…

Mysterious Man: 16,000,000 yen!

LTevil: Look! I’ll sell it to you, okay. Just don’t bid any higher. I could get mugged carrying that much around. You hand over the money, I’ll hand over the wreckage.

Mysterious Man: Excellent…

*The mysterious man, opens up his dark mouth, and spits up 3 wallets, a gold ring, and a severed leg*

LTevil: Sorry bub, but I deal only in cash. None of this ‘severed leg’ buisness. Too easy to trace.

*The mysterious man lets out a sinister hiss, and then grabs the wreckage, rushing away.*

*Seconds later, Otter runs up, panicked.*

LTevil *Takes a look at the suspicious looking man in a ski mask running up to him*: Great. I’ve had my money for 3 seconds, and I’m already getting mugged.

Otter: The Last True Evil! Good to see you! Have you seen any… er… hamster looking men in this vicinity.

*LTevil ignores Otter and starts going through the partially digested wallets.*

LTevil: Jerk! He paid me in Lira instead of yen!

*Otter shakes LTevil angrily*

Otter: This is important! Have you seen Hamster Man

LTevil: No, sorry, can’t help you there, but I do have some EPA approved Hamster Man Detector Devices…
-------------------

*Janitor Bob is once again at the feet of the massive stone desk of Mr. Kazinski. Gargoyles are ornately carved into the side of the desk. The gargoyles stick their tongues out at Bob. Bob sticks his tongue back. Across the massive desk littered with models of melted human beings, sits Mr. Kazinski in a gargantuan obsidian chair, topped with tiki torches. This contrasts with Bob’s chair, which is a blue plastic one that was borrowed from the ‘Splosions R Us preschool. Bob bites his fingernails as he waits for Mr. Kazinski to speak.*

*Mr. Kazinski clears his throats and starts speaking with a booming disdainful voice.*

Mr. Kazinski: Demolitions Cadet Bob. I think you know why you’re here.

Janitor Bob: Uh… you want financial advice from me?

Mr. Kazinski: Not… quite… It’s something of a more… negative nature.

Janitor Bob: I swear! The coffee machine prank was an accident!

Mr. Kazinski: Coffee Machine prank?

Janitor Bob: Uh… nothing.

Mr. Kazinski: Anyway, remember that assignment I gave to you a few weeks ago.

Janitor Bob: Uh…

Mr. Kazinski: The deadline was yesterday! But yet there the Massassi Forums building stands, undamaged, accursed American Flag blown carelessly in the wind!

Janitor Bob: Oh… blowing up the Massassi building! Must have slipped my mind.
Mr. Kazinski: Well, I’m going to give you one more chance. I’m going to give you 30 minutes to blow that bloody green building to heck. And if you don’t do it…

Janitor Bob: You’ll fire me? Oh, that’s too bad. I’m crushed. See how I’m writhing on the ground awash with uncontrollable self pity.

Mr. Kazinski: No… I’m afraid the consequences will be much more… permanent… for you, young Janitor.

Janitor Bob: You’ll fire me, AND write up a bad report for my future employer?

Mr. Kazinski: So nieve. So helpless. I almost hate to kill you.

Janitor Bob: Yeah, I feel your pain… wait… what did you say?

Mr. Kaziniski: You know, kill you. Blast you to smithereens. Cause you to kick the bucket. Kaput. Sleep with the fishes.

Janitor Bob: Did you know that a G’nillafish is some kind of pony/box turtle hybrid that can breath underwater?

Mr. Kazinski: What are you talking about?

Janitor Bob: A G’nillafish.

Mr. Kazinski: What the heck is a G’nillafish?

Janitor Bob: Didn’t I just tell you. It also has a purple…

Mr. Kazinski: Wait! I see your plan. You can’t distract me. We were talking about your death.

Janitor Bob: You can’t kill me. I’m a main character of NES.

*Janitor Bob takes out a small laminated card out of his wallet. It says: This card hereby certifies thatJanitor Bobis a member of the Never Ending Story and is entitled to all benefits thereof*

Janitor Bob: See, I’m afraid you can’t kill me. It would break all sorts of rules.

*A deep rumbling laugh erupts from Mr. Kazinski’s belly, and fills the room.*

Mr. Kazinski: Tell that to the Last True Evil, Bob. Tell that to The Last True Evil.

Janitor Bob: Huh? Did I just miss an important plot development?

Mr. Kazinski: Let’s just say that the rules have been altered. I can kill you any time I wish.

Janitor Bob: So. If you kill me, I won’t ever have to worry about the Social Security problem again. I won’t have to pay medical insurance, fill out heinously large census forms… basically, I’ll become more powerful than you can possible imagine.

Mr. Kazinski: Mr. Bob. I am more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Janitor Bob: I still won’t blow up that building. It has… sentimental value to me.

Mr. Kazinski: Okay. If you won’t blow up that building… then maybe… your sister will.

*The ominous music builds to a crescendo*

Janitor Bob: Uh… I don’t have a sister.

*The ominous music suddenly stops.*

Mr. Kazinski: Okay, then maybe… Geb’s sister will.

Janitor Bob: You mean Losien?

Mr. Kazinski: Of course.

Janitor Bob: You’re a jerk, you know.

Mr. Kazinski: Go on…

Janitor Bob: You really need to work on your people skills.

Mr. Kazinski: Go on…

Janitor Bob: I think you have a control problem too.

Mr. Kazinksi: Go on…

Janitor Bob: Can I go now? I’ve really got to get home by 6:00, or my Mom ‘ll be mad.

*Suddenly steel bars drop over the doors with a resounding thud.*

Janitor Bob: I’ll take that as a no…

Mr. Kazinski: You’re not going anywhere, Janitor. You’re to stay here and be brutally tortured.

Janitor Bob: *scared* Does this happen to involve Duct tape and toothpaste?

Mr. Kazinski: Heh, heh heh heh.

Janitor Bob: *gulp*
----------------------

*In the modeling studio of Toys ‘R Us, the makeup artist works on Losien.*

Makeup Artist: Okay… we’ve got good hair… good skin…! We just can’t make you any better, girlfriend.

Losien: Oh… So you’re out of a Job? I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean too. Oh, this is all my fault…

Makeup Artist: I’m sorry, ‘hon, but I’m not out of Job… we can’t make you look better but…

Losien: Then… what will you do…?

Makeup Artist: Look, you aren’t selling many products, because your making all of our other models look ugly. So we’re going to have to make you look worse… Martha! Hand me those Prosthetic Zits!

*Suddenly the makeup session is interrupted by a light rapping at the door*

Door: *Boom boom chick, bu doom bu doom chick*

Makeup Artist: *with eyeliner brush clamped between her teeth* Martha, can you get that!

*As Romantic music builds, the door swings open and reveals… (Get ready for a big surprise) a previously cameod NES character!*

Character: Losien!

*Losien swings around in her barbers chair, knocking over the makeup table. The lights dim and two spotlights shine upon the characters. Losien’s eyes brighten as she sees who came for her.*

Losien: Joe the Sound Guy!

*The characters rush towards eachother, leaping over makeup booths. The glare of the spotlight hits Losien in the face, reflecting off…*

Joe: Uh… Losien .You… uh… have something on your face.

Losien: *laughing* Oh, that’s just my prosthetic zit!

*With a grotesque ripping sound Losien peels off the zit, placing it in her pocket.*

Joe: Uh… huh… look sorry, I haven’t written or called n a while, I’ve been a little busy.

Losien *suspiciously: With what. You’re a sound guy.

Joe: Actually… I’m not anymore. I’ve got a new job. A job with a much bigger paycheck.

Losien: Really? What are you doing now?

Joe: I work for the packaging department for a computer company!

Losien: How exciting!

Joe: Look, I can’t stay here long… Just take this present from me.

*Joe hands Losien a package wrapped with Hanukkah paper.*

Losien: Ooh! How sweet. It says ‘You’re a blast’

Joe: Look, don’t open the package until you get to the Massassi Forums building, okay?

Losien: Sure… sure… Hmm…

*Losien tries to figure out what the package contains. She eyes it from different angles, measures it, and starts shaking it.*

Joe: Woah! Don’t shake that!

Losien: Oh… it’s fragile… *Losien puts her ear too it* It’s making a ticking sound! Hmm… it must be one of those little Curious George wall clocks I like so much… but it’s shaped like a briefcase…

Joe: Yeah, well, I have to go. Remember, don’t open the present until you are in the Massassi Forums building!

Losien: Bye… here, take this to remember me by.

*Losien presses the prosthetic zit into Joe’s hand.*

Joe: Uh… thanks…

*Joe leaves. The romantic music slowly fades. The lights turn back on. Close-up on the ticking package.*

*Whoa! Plot hole alert! How is LTevil selling things when he’s dead and/or inhabiting another body. Is is part of a carefully planned plot device, or is it just a stupid mistake on the behalf of Janitor Bob? What does the mysterious large hairy squeaky man with red eyes want with the Chernobyl wreckage. How will Bob escape from the singed grip of Mr. Kazinski? Will Losien blow up the Massassi Forums buildings? How can the writers keep from writing now that Janitor Bob has created so many divergent plotlines? Find out next time on The NeverEnding Story: When Good Sound Guy’s go Bad.


------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited October 27, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited October 27, 2001).]

*In a box covered with dflt.mat*

JorBo: Hmmmmmm... my level is looking good, It will be in MLP #2576 for sure.

*JorBo sees a button on the JED toolbar that says "If you want your level in MLP #2576 push this button"*

JorBo: Cool.

*JorBo pushes the button. A VERY old gumball falls from nowhere and hit JorBo on the head*

JorBo: OUCH, that hur...

*JorBo passes out and wakes up lying in a dark alley*

JorBo: Where the heck am I?

BoomingVoice: You are now in The NES thread!

JorBo: How did I get here?

BoomingVoice: A gumball fell on your head.

JorBo: *rubbing his head* I know that. Why did I wake up here instead of somewhere else?

BoomingVoice: Because you are on a quest for the perfect level.

JorBo: I am?

BoomingVoice: Yes you are and everyone knows that the perfect level is hidden somewhere in this thread.

JorBo: Really?

BoomingVoice: Yes. Now would you come up with some lines that don't have you asking questions?

JorBo: I'll stop asking questions when you stop booming, It's to hard to type out your whole name.

Voice: Fine with me.

*JorBo stands up and walks off down the alley*

The quest for the perfect level has begun.

*Will JorBo find the perfect level in The NES?
Will he ever post in this thread again?
Only time will tell

<Not quite sure what the |-|311 is going on, Randy gets the unresistable urge to clap his hands...>

Randy: *clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap* <pant pant> *clap clap clap clap clap clap clap*

(Geb's Note: Just eliminating needless side-scrolling.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 23, 2003).]

Then Trini woke up. He said, "HEY IM NOT REALLY Jorbo! IM TRINI! IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM! I BETTER CONTINUE MY JOURNEY TO FIND
THE LIVING BREATHING TREE. HE WILL HELP ME SEEK THE STONE OF GLOWING CHEESE!"
As he hopped out of his garbage can house, he jumped into his taco mobile and sputtered
down over the lush mountain of cheeseburgers!
"AHH HOW I LOVE FOODLAND! IT IS THE BEST PART OF WACKKY WORLD I KNOW! NOW I
MUST COMB MY AFRO WITH THIS FRO PICK OF GOLD AND FIND KUNG FU JOE!"
As he sputtered along on his taco tastic automobile he left a trail of guacamole. He heard a
voice.
"HEY ID LOVE A CHIMICHANGA RIGHT NOW!"
It was kung fu joe. Trinis long lost cousin, who is actually the father of his long lost brother
Tabago!
"Hop in Kung Fu Joe!" Trini yelled "I'm on my way to the Living breathing tree who will tell us
where to find the cow of saphire who will give me the ultimate fro pick so i may attain the
final leve of afrotude and oust Blargaloo from the throne of largalook.
"INDUBITABLY" Yelled kung fu joe as he hopped onto the moving cheeseburger mobile.
They sped along the highway until finally they reached the village of the crazies
The announcer said "The Village of the Crazies... They'll never make it out alive
"AY THATS A BUNCH A BLOOK FLAGGIN BLARNEY YA TINGLE FINKING DAISY KISSER" said
Hank.
"Yah youre right" trini said "dont listen to him"
"As they entered the village of the crazies an old woman yeled "MWA MWA!"
"HEY MON! THAT WAS CRAZY MON!" said kung fu joe.
"Then they entered the Giant Castle of Cows and...

(NSP: Welcome Jorbo! I hope that you DO continue to post. There are only a few things to think about when writing for NeS, if you haven't already:

1) Keep the NeS Spirit--This is by far the most important (and therefore, the most vague). I can only really point to you examples of those that keep it and those that don't. ANY of Janitor Bob's (thusfar at least) have been in the NeS spirit. That one above this post (by...*examines post* Pugler) was NOT in the NeS spirit. Also, any one post thread-killers are NOT NeS spirit. NeS (btw--it's short for "Neverending Story") is above all, to be fun, which usually constitutes comedy, but has also included its good deal of action and melodrama

2) Read the previous material--If you can't do this, it's all good, but if you can, do so. It'll help you with any running jokes and such (ex. duct tape, donuts, Gonk, Microsoft's iron fist, etc. etc.)

3) Give definition to your character--This not only helps with identifying your character from the rest of the multitude, but will help in knowing if your character should be used for a certain situaiton and looks good for a certain role (ex. Janitor Bob's a janitor--has an obsession with cleanliness. There aren't any other janitors, so it's easy to say "ey, we need a janitor" and pull Bob out of the woodworks. Same goes for such characters as Krig the Viking, Lt. Randy, and Otter). Also, the more identifiable your character is, the more it will be written for by others *good thing*. On a last note, when the online comic version (starts, and) gets to this point in the story some 10,000 years from now, we need to know whatcha look like and such (THAT GOES FOR SUCH OTHER CHARACTERS TOO, like THE LAST TRUE EVIL and THE MEGA MZZTER)

4) Post often--Post. Post some more. Post 'til your ears fall off. Posting is your friend. Even if you can't think of anything, there's always a B.U.M.P. (benevolant upward mobility post--owned by Semievil the writer, CEO of B.U.M.P intl. *as opposed to the hero--yeah, it's complicated*) or writing up guidelines for new writers *looks innocent* Just don't post a) one word b)like Spooky Taco posts c) like Word Association posts (If such an event were to arise that may call for an appropriate use of the above, it will be decided on a case-by-case basis).

5) Get others to join--Suck others into joining. The more others join, the less the ones that are currently writing have to write Advertising is your friend. The laziness is strong within us, and unlike the Sith, we memebers of Nesianity have as MANY as we can get.

That's about it. The storywriters are your allies. Duct-tape fixes all. Donuts, cookies, and pie will ALWAYS lure heroes. And lastly, if any of these are proven wrong, go see Ares at your own risk involving his first rule. Oh and uh...Ares, the god of war, sponsors NeS. (note: the ACTUAL Ares left writing some time ago. His character remains though, as does his clone and his army of clones).

---------------------

Gebohq--leader of the band of NeS heroes and sporting a hairstyle that rivals Mark Hamill's from Star Wars and Kevin Bacon's from Tremors. His turn on are long walks on the beach and amazon women on the moon...

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited October 30, 2001).]

B.U.M.P.

Benevolent
Upward
Mobility
Post!!!!

(NSP: I'll post something as soon as i read the last six pages of this..... and dont waste your energy posting suff about what i should do, remember ive read the whole damn thing )

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited October 31, 2001).]

Gettle: Time to make my entrance....


*proceeds to fall a long way and every 5 seconds the camera will go Matrix-style*

Gettle: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Geb: What's that?

Bob: It's a bird...it's a plane....it's a........*trailing off*

Geb: Riiiiite, anywho's...

*Gettle proceeds to fall facefirst into the ground near where Geb is standing*

Gettle: Ow....

Who is this new and crazy person?!!? Will he be accepted into the story after reading twenty-six pages of NeS!!?? Does he have any sanity at all!?!?!?!?!!!!!! My god I'm overusing the !?!?!?!?!?! ......... tune in next time for the....next post....

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

*Groggily, Phil opens his eyes.*

Phil: Uh… Mom?

*Phil takes a glance around at his surroundings. He is wedged in between the parking brake and the dashboard. His van is upside down, hanging from a branch over a cliff. A guardrail with a large broken section sits above him. Cargo labeled “Fragile. Handle with care” is strewn throughout the van, and the bloody footprints of Hamster man lead off into the distance.*

*Phil pops open the glovebox, takes out some leftover Mcdonalds Napkins and fastens a rope out of them. Quickly, he creates a winch and uses his knowledge of physics and mechanics to pull the van back onto the road.*

*Taking a deep breath Phil looks at his watch. 6:54.41*

Phil: Crud! I only have two hours before our guaranteed delivery time. If I don’t make it in time I won’t get a tip!

*Little did Phil realize that he had failed to take into account daylights savings time.*

*Quickly, Phil clicks on his seatbelt, adjusts his mirrors, looks both ways, raises his seat, shifts his gears, and turns the key in the ignition.*

Engine: ShikaShikaShikaShika.

*Seeing no immediate change in velocity, Phil turns the key again.*

Engine: ShikaShikaShikaShika.

Phil: Crud. Must be that blasted fuel pump again! I knew that thing would give me trouble.

*Or, possible it was the fact that their was a deep claw laceration deep across his engine. But for whatever the reason the UGO van wasn’t going anywhere.*

Phil: Ooh, Gates is gunna be mad…

*Phil picks up the CB mike and starts talking into it*

Phil: Yeah, I’d like Microsoft Tech Support please.

Recorded Voice: Please hold on the line until our Tech Support Man can either get to the phone, or figure out how to work it. Thank you. Your Call is very important to us.

*While audio commercials for Windows XP play, Phil stares vacantly off into the highway. Suddenly, through the haze of rain, a twinkling light appears. As the light grows bigger and clearer it splits into two lights, an equal distance apart. Slowly, but surely, a dim notion starts to enter Phil’s mind. Something about driving. Something about position. Now he could see that an object was behind the two lights.*

Phil: Come’on Phil, think. You’ve gotta remember.

*Suddenly the lights entered Phil’s field of vision, entreating Phil to the sight of a Semi-truck with the Coca-Cola symbol driving straight towards Phil’s stationary UGO van.*

*Revelation dawns.*

Phil: I’m in the wrong lane!
*Phil grabs the latch on the door, and pulls.*

*Seconds later, Phil lets go of the latch, unlocks the door, and then pulls the latch again. He dives out*

CB Radio: Hi, I’m Hank Cromwell from Microsoft Tech Support what seems to be the proble- *CRASH*

***A FEW HOURS LATER***

*Phil stands on a piece of metal with an O on it, behind a pile of metal slag. He pushes his wet black hair out of his eyes. He shivers, having only a thin UGO delivery man jacket to warm him. Still the rain drizzles down. Everyonce an a while a large truck would speed past, splashing Phil with mud. He was cold, he was wet, he was hungry and he wanted his mommy. Futilely, he sticks out his thumb in hopes that some kind soul would stop and give him a ride*

*Finally, a black Dodge Viper pulls to the stop. The tinted electronic windows roll down and a Godlike man sticks his head out.*

Ares: You seem rather distraught? Can I help you?

Phil: Finally! Somebody. My van got destroyed, and I need to get to Tokyo to warn the locals about an escaped monster before it’s to late!

Ares: On second thoughts, I don’t want your muddy self to dirty my leather interior. Good luck!

*The Dodge Viper screeches off, splashing Phil*

Phil: *grumbling* I feel like I’m the main character in the modern day version of the Good Samaritan…

*Minutes pass*

Phil: Come’on somebody’s gotta help me. Anybody?

*Just then, an ominous looking truck painted green military camouflage colors pulls up and stops near Phil. The door swings open. Slowly a large boot and a leg clad in fatigues appears out of the door. Several gun holsters filled with small pistols hang from each boot. Phil looks up at the man who stepped out from the truck. He is compeletely clad in military fatigues. A beret sits on top of his curly black hair. A squarish beard crops his face. An M-16 in his callused hands completes the picture. He gives a flashy smile, Cuban Cigar clamped between the teeth.*

Phil: Uh… hi?

Man: Greetings. My name, although you’ve most likely heard it before, is none other than Fidel Castro.

Phil: Uh… thee Fidel Castro? The communist leader? The scum sucking villian who enslaved all of Cuba, under a veneer of Freedom and righteousness, but still denying the Cuban population fundamental natural rights and liberties?

Fidel: The one and only.

Phil: Uh…

Fidel: Look, do want a ride in this vehicle or shall you refuse my most generous offer?

*Phil glances at his watch*

Phil: Yeah. You happen to be headed for Tokyo?
Fidel: That’s exactly where we are going. And we shall take you with us. Now get in the vehicle.

*Phil nervously climbs into the truck, sitting next to a moustached German and a wild eyed Cambodian.*

Fidel: Just situate yourself next to my good friends Adolf Hitler and Pol Pot.

Hitler: DEUTSCHLAND!!

Pol Pot: De-e-ath. Death to all technology. INFERNAL WRETCHES!

Phil: Uh… Hi.

*Phil gives a little timid wave.*

Fidel: Don’t mind Mr. Pot. He’s still a little shaky from the resurrection.

Phil: Let me get this straight Fidel. Pardon my confusion, but I’m currently sitting next to three of the greatest villians the world has ever seen, to who are currently dead. The only person who’s missing from this convocation is Satan himself.

Fidel: Oh, he’s in the other car, with Stalin and Burby.

Phil: But… their… dead…

Fidel: Yep, but we all owe our lives to our good friend Darkside. He traveled back in time, and picked up all the villians from the point on Earth where they were alive, or in their prime in my case. He needs our help to first, kill all the currently unemployed NES heroes, and secondly, to aid in his plan of World Domination. Isn’t a person here who doesn’t like a little World Domination.

Phil: Actually, I’d be satisfied with just a good steady job, and a warm fire.

Fidel: BAH! You lack vision. An oversight that will soon be corrected.

Phil: *moan*

Fidel: It’s not so bad. You’ve just gotta think positive.

*Fidel starts up the truck.*

Fidel: EVERYBODY, NOW!

Villians: 99 vials of cyanide gas on the wall!
99 vials of gas…
-----------------------

*Somewhere… in Tokyo… in an Abandoned Tokyo Warehouse… a pivotal event is about to unfold.*

*The snarling large man in the black trenchcoat steps out of the shadows. He doffs the trenchcoat, revealing himself- Hamster Man- in his full glory, for all the audience to see*

*He rummages through the trenchcoat, throwing out old candy wrappers and finally takes out the object to be beheld.*

*The Radioactive Chernobyl wreakage.*

*Taking a harried look around, the Hamster Man checks for anybody watching. To the displeasure of the president of PPV enterprises, nobody is.*

*Hamster man leans his head back, and tosses the shining concrete into the air. A tongue shoots out and snags the wreakage. Seconds later, Hamster man spits out the concrete. He fills up a glass of water, puts the weakage in his mouth again and swallows both the water and the concrete chunk.*

*Hamster Man lets out a groan of distress. His stomach starts glowing. His hair stands on end. His limbs go into seizures. Hamster Man has a very bad case of indigestion and heartburn. But slowly and surely, something starts happening.*

*Hamster man starts growing… and growing. Taller and taller.*

*He lets out a cry of victory.*

Will Phil reach Tokyo in time? What about Hitler, Fidel, and Pol Pot? What about Hamster Man? Why are all these new writers invading? Why can’t good things last? Why is Janitor Bob the writer so Xenophobic. When will Janitor Bob the writer’s stomach recover from all the Halloween Candy he was supposed to give to Tricker Treaters? Next time. Same Time. This Time. (Make sure to account for Daylights Saving Time) on The Neverending Story: Attack of the needless subtitles.


------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

*LosienTH approaches the Massassi Forum Building on one side. Coincidentally, PMTW and MZZTTW are walking alone 1334 street (the other side) toward the building also.*

MZZTTW: So, PM, what's our latest assignment?

PMTW: We've got intelegence reports that a 'Mr. Kazinski' plans to blow up the Massassi Forums Building with the help of none other than...

*Duh, duh daaaaaa*

PM: Janitor Bob!!!

MZZT: Do we know when?

PM: Yes, very soon, within the hour!

MZZT: *Gasp*

*Bob walks up!*

Janitor Bob TH: Hi! Just wanted to let you know that someone wants me to...

PM: Get him!!!

*MZZT and PM tackle Bob. After wrestling him for several minutes, MZZT realizes something important.*

MZZT: Bob... why?

Bob: Well, Mr. Kazinsky wants me to blow up the building, and so I'd thought I'd tell you.

MZZT: ...

PM: You make a bad Badguy(TM), Bob.

Bob: Huh? No I mean...

MZZT: PM, check for explosives..

Bob: No! No not that! I'm ticklish! No! Hahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaa.... ...

PM: He's clean.

MZZT: Well, if HE doesn't have the explosions... maybe...

PM: *Face pales* Someone else....

*PM runs toward the building*

MZZT: Hey, Bob, you're BobTH? How'd you get between the realms anyway?

-=< In the Massassi Forums Building >=-

LosienTH: Well, here I am... I think I'll open this in my office.

*Five minutes later*

PM: *Pant* *Pant* HEY!!!.... *Pant* Who... *Runs to offices*

Losien: Who's that?

PM: Hey! You're Losien TH??!??! How.. nm... whats that package?

Losien: I don't know... Joe gave it to me... but it CAN'T be that clock I want... it's too small! Humph! Joe KNEW I wanted that clock!!! *Walks off, leaving the package.*

PM: Hm... I wonder what it is...

Package: *Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock*

PM: *Opens it and...*

*KA-BLAM!!!*

PM: Doh... hey wait! I'm still here! :confused*

-=< Outside >=-

*Mr. Kazinski is hiding in some bushes with some binoculars*

Mr Kazinski: ... ??? I heard the explosion!!! Darn... the gift shop must've swapped packages again!!! Gr...

-=< Elsewhere >=-

Mr Brown: Here, my wife! A birthday present! It's explosive!

Mrs Brown: Oh! Thank you!

*The package has several 'nuclear radiation' symbols on it BTW*

Mr Brown: Strange... it is supposed to say 'You're a blast'....

*Mrs Brown opens it... and soon their house is only a pit... three guesses what happened, and the first two don't count.*

Mr Brown: ARG THAT DARN GIFT SOHP MESSED UP THE ORDER AGAIN!!!!

------------------
A 73 year old lady was stopped from boarding a plane in Chicago, because she was carrying two 6-inch knitting needles. They thought she might try to knit an Afghan! - Pastor Harry Thomas

(NSP: no big welcome for me? well..... i need to do something so here goes nothing)

Ticket Person*in cheesy bored voice*: Hi! Where would you like to fly today!

Gettle: I'd like a one-way ticket to tokyo

Ticket Person: I'm sorry, all flights to tokyo have been cancelled for some reason. Please come some other time

Gettle: *mumbles something under breath*

Ticket person: I'm sorry, what was that?

Gettle: *hands the money for the ticket cost plus $100 to ticket lady*

Ticket person: *hands ticket to Gettle* Thank you for flying Airway Airlines!

*****later on the plane...*****

Flight Attendant voice: Welcome to flight 97. We will be entering Tokyo shortly, please be prepared f--

she never finishes her sentance. all of a sudden a giant hand grabs the plane and rips it in half!!!

*Gettle looks out the half of the plane and sees none other than......... the size-enhanced Hamster Man!*

Gettle: Fuq

*Hamster Man begins to throw the plane toward the ground*

random person: uh-oh

*random person suddenly falls out of his seat and straight toward the ground to land with a *crunch**

Gettle: Always buckle up!

*Gettle jumps out holding his seat cushion
Passengers just stare at the crazy person jumping out of the plan with a seat*

Gettle: Awww crap! they meant WATER flotation seats!! *curses fervently*

*continues to fall until he lands on something soft, furry, and smelly. Hamster Man's TOE!!!!! There seems to be a huge growth of toe jam in between his toes*

Gettle: ugh....

*jumps off of the toe and lands on... a truck with green military camoflauge on it*

What will happen to Gettle? Will the reincarnated evildoers torture this poor person? All this and more... next..... time....

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

What ever happened to our spiffy (food) server? Did everyone just realise what a boring character he was? Does that matter? Why am I starting a post with questions rather than ending it with them?

Find out in the next exciting installment of NeS. Which is actually this installment, since this is the beginning of the post.

Are you suitably confused? Then I'll begin...

*Since we last saw him, the perpetually tuxedo'd one (that's CookedHaggis, the waiter, in case you've all forgotten by now...) has really gone downhill. And keep in mind, we last saw him working in Walmart...*

CookedHaggis: "Would you like...*shudder*...fries with that?"

Man: "No, I'm actuall looking for a half-man, half-hamster monstrosity..."

CookedHaggis: "Wait a moment...would you happen to go by the name of Otter?"

Otter: "Well it's Maureen at the weekends, but by and large, yes. And you would be...?"

CookedHaggis: "It's me!"

Otter: "Umm..."

CookedHaggis: "CookedHaggis..."

Otter: "Umm...."

CookedHaggis: "The one who never posts..."

Otter: "That doesn't narrow it down much you know."

CookedHaggis: "The one who said "that looks familiar" on the previous page..."

Otter: "Ah! That guy! How're you doing? And how come you're in Tokyo? Isn't that a little too convenient?"

CookedHaggis: "Shhhh, plot holes go away if you just ignore them..."

(NSP: Count yourself lucky, Gettle. Remember, Janitor Bob got tarred and feathered when he first joined And you claim to have read it all, eh? Are ya insane yet from it? ...oh, I suppose I should post something, eh? Well, to go off on ANOTHER side tangent, and to go and do stuff I've always been wanting to do in NeS for a while...)

Geb: *scratching head* Jorbo, eh?

Jorbo: Yeah, that's right. And I'm in search of THE PEEEERRFEEEECT LEEEEVEEEEL!

A short yet loud fanfare of trumpets follows.

Jorbo: Er...so I've been told anyways. Got any ideas where to start?

Geb: Hmm...

Gebohq looks behind him, seeing Tokyo being destroyed at the claws of a giant Hampster man. The Hapster man rips a nearby flying airplane in half, and a small man holding a seat falls from it towards the monster's feet.

Gebohq then looks towards his left, and sees a TV, showing a newscast of the Massassi forum buildings, with MZZT waving his hands in front of the camera, and Losien holding a sign that said "Hi mom" with Phantom Master holding and shaking his head.

Gebohq then looks to his right, and sees two doorways, one labeled "Door to the perfect woman", the other labeled "Door to the perfect level in JediKnight".

Gebohq: Hmm...something seems odd about this--

Jorbo starts to make his way towards the door labeled "Door to the perfect level in JediKnight".

Geb: Wait! ...oh well.

Geb makes his way towards the door labeled "Door to the perfect woman", when the door opened and out stepped out a very content looking--

Geb: Galv?

Galvatron: Geb?

Geb: Is that--

Galv: It's not what you think.

Geb: But-

Galv: Hey, you want to take a break from being leader-like, right?

Geb: But-

Gebohq tried to push his way to the door labeled "Door to the perfect woman", but Galvatron held him back.

Galv: So why don't you just take the other door, and I'll be leader for a while?

Geb: But-

Galv: Don't forget your lightsaber-have a nice trip-bon voy-yah-jee!

Geb: But-

Galvatron shoves Geb through the door Jorbo went through, closes it, and locks it.

Galv: I wonder if I should have told him about that other door...oh well...
-------------------------------------
Gebohq, after a classic "Loading: Please Wait" screen, finds himself in a JediKnight level, lightsaber in hand. He also finds himself with a grapplehook, and standing within a grave. Jorbo stands above him, with a perplexed look on his face.

Jorbo: What is this place? Could this be the perfect level?

Geb: God no, it's... PURGATORY!

DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUUUM!

Geb: Right then, and with SPORK 1.2 no less. This ought to be fun...
-------------------------------------------
On the camoflauged truck...

Gettle: Maybe if I just sit on this thing for a while, I can get a free ride to McDonalds. Falling out of airplanes really works up one's appetite...


Whee! New writers are being drawn towards writing for The Neverending Story Thread like moths towards a zapper--er--What new adventures will Gebohq and JorBo find while in search of the perfect level? Will they find the perfect level? Will Gebohq find the perfect woman? Will Galvatron become leader of the NeS heroes? Will Gettle meet CookedHaggis and Otter at McDonald's? Find out, right here, right now, right to your right. Or below rather. Here, on THE NEVERENDING STORY THREAD!

(NSP: JorBo, I'm basically starting a thing with Geb and JorBo jumping from level to level (and mod to mod) in search of the perfect level, so if you haven't played "Purgatory" or "Spork 1.2", feel free to change it, but please, if you have, make fun of it So whee! CookedHaggis posted!)

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 02, 2001).]

******In the green camoflauged ominous truck*******

* a B.U.M.P. is heard on top of the truck*

*B.U.M.P!*
*B.U.M.P!*

Phil: What was that!

*The other truck pulls up next to Phil's and the driver's window rolls down and stalin pokes his head out

*with russian accent* Stalin: Geet that pe-erson ovf your veheecle!

Phil: So that's what it was...

*Fidel nods and proceeds to pull out a sub-machinegun which he shoots at the ceiling of the truck. The bullets go through and a scream is heard*


----====outside the green camoflauged ominous-looking truck====----

Gettle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Bullets: bangbangbangbangatabangata!

Gettle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Bullets: bangbangbang BANG!!

*Gettle jumps off the van and onto the sidewalk. There is a McDonalds sign above him:
McDonalds
"over 99 billion served -including a giant hamster and the god of war!"

*Gettle walks into the McDonalds and ominous camoflauged trucks speed off*

*in a voice that sounds like he is going to go crazy if he serves one more cheeseburger*
Employee: Hello, what would you... like?

Gettle: I'd like a cheeseburger

Employee: NO!!! NOT A CHEESEBURGER ANYTHING BUT A CHEESEBURGER!.........Would you like.... fries with that?

Gettle: Uhhhh buddy are you ok?

*gettle reads the employees nickname which says 'CookedHaggis'*

CookedHaggis: Yes, I'm fine!!!! Now would you like fries with that.

Gettle: Yeah sure... *watches haggis pull his hair(he has hair?!)out of skull*

*Gettle takes his food and sits down at a table which has a wide-eyed person sitting there. he has one hand holding a magazine with one hand the other hand is

*****This has been censored because the narrators wish to keep the rating of this movie PG. Thank you

Gettle: My GOD!!! I'm trying to EAT here!!!

*gettle grabs the magazine and stares at it, and settles into an pattern where he gives the magazine to the man, eats a fry, and takes the magazine back*

*both speak in a dreamy tone of voice*
Gettle: Wow....bty, what's you name..

Man: I'm TheOtter.... what's your...*gasp*

*Gettle gets the magazine back and finds it sticky*

Gettle: Awww crap

TheOtter: Wheeeeeee!!!

Gettle: Thats nice


---==[[[[[Meanwhile in the writer's world]]]]]==---


*Gettle walks into the shabby NeS thread building and is forced to take the stairs because the elevator is broken. he reaches the top floor*

Gettle the Writer: Hello? I'm the new writer

*silence*

GettleTW: Heeeellllloooooooooooooo!?

*silence. You can hear crickets chirping in the background*

*Gettle's left eye twitches*

GettleTW: I have cookies!!!

-dramatic pause-

*Gettle is run over by the writers, all scrambling to get food!*

GettleTW: Hey wait!!!! I want one to--

*silence*

GettleTW: Hey stop that!!!!

*silence*

GettleTW: ...

*silence. you can hea--

*GettleTW throws the silencer into the disposal*

*geb appears in the doorway*

GebTW: Hi..person... your the new writer?

GettleTW: Yeah...I brought some cookies but..*looks in empty box* um...

GebTW *calling back into the other room*: We-e-e-ell we can tar and feather him or--

BobTW: no that'd be unoriginal, you already did it to me

GebTW: Yeah your right now I remember


(NSP: Ok, jeezus thats a long post, ill leave it up to you guys what happens to me... )

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited November 02, 2001).]

STW, sitting in his first-floor office of B.U.M.P. co. ponders the goings on outside the window. Every few moments a CEO of a different company drops past.

TLTETCEO (CEO of LTEltd), calling down from floor 12: "I can't take it anymore! I just can't take it anymore!"

STW: "Awww, suck it up, at least you've got options."

TLTETCEO: "Hmm... you're right, maybe I do have options... there's the stairs and the elevators, wow, thanks!"

STW: "Anytime"

STW turns back to his work, then back to the window in time to see a large green camo truck drive past in the direction of the Massassi building.

STW: "Icecream!!!!"

Sem dives through the window (right next to the door out) and takes off after it. Just in front of the Massassi building, he catches up and leaps into the back. Finding himself surrounded by various dictators, Sem becomes suddenly very nervous.

STW: "What's going on? Aren't you dead? Where's Pol-Pot?"

Castro: "Allow me to explain. This is Hitler, the actor, Phil the actor, and PPTA wanted to drive for a bit, so we went ahed and let him have some fun."

HTA: "We're on our way to film the lastest scene of NES for NES the Movie!"

STW: "Isn't that gag old by now?"

PTA: "Hardly a gag, Sem, you don't think they spent all that money on special effects for the trailers just to not make a movie, did you?"

STW: "What money? All they had to do was host 1/2kb of text!"

CTA: "Yeah, but for Massassi, that's alot of money, I mean, think what you get paid."

STW: "Good point. So where are you guys filming?"

PPTA, calling back from the front seat: "In the building, of course, that's where all the action of the story is, right?"

STW: "Uhh... I dunno... most of the action was in a different realm I thought, but I could be wrong... it's been a while since I was inside. I guess you guys can just drive right in, I'll clear you with security."

Sem gets out and the truck drives straight through the front door, right over the sign for the parking garage. Glass flies everywhere, fire hydrants burst suddenly, throngs of people materialize out of no-where for the express purpose of panicing, and several gratuitous fires start.

STW: "Ermn..."

Sem walks quickly away from the whole scene, hoping nobody saw him there.

Meanwhile

GTW: "You guys feel something b.u.m.p. the building?"

BTW: "'prolly just annother nuke"

no. No. NO! I'm not going to narrate the stupid movie! You guys don't pay me enough anyway, there's no way you're getting a movie out of me. I don't care! Have Ares' clone fill in! You really think so? Am I really? Oh, stop! No, no, not really stop! Allright, I'll do it!

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

(NSP: ok, I'll do my movie destiny, but i want you guys to decide whatchu want to do to me in the 'RL' And yes, i survived reading 26 pages of this)

Gettle*under breath*: I'm not sure i wanted to meet you...

*TheOtter runs to the bathroom before gettle can say anything else*

Gettle: Well so much for that..

*Haggis comes to collect the trash, including the magazine*

Haggis: As soon as I get this done I'm on my break...

Gettle: since we're the heroes of this story, let's take out hamster man!

Haggis: shhh! don't say that out loud!

Gettle: oops

*Gettle walks out of the McDonalds with Haggis and not a second too late because all of a sudden !-dramatic pause-! A GIANT HAIRY FOOT COMES DOWN AND SMASHES THE MCDONALDS!!*

Haggis: That looked like it hurt...

Gettle: What about Otter! He was in the bathroom...cleaning..up...

*Just then, Otter comes out of the ruins of the McDonalds, unscathed because of the intelligence of the writers*

Gettle: How'd you get out without any injury?!!

Otter: uhhhhhh....i dont know...

*they proceed to Mt Fuji(god thats such a funny name) where Hamster man is using a giant evil jackhammer to make a huge hole in the mountain*

Otter: A giant vibrator!!!!!! *Otter jumps onto the giant evil jackhammer and ...vibrates...violently*

Gettle: Uhhh what do we do?

Haggis: umm....let's go get super weapons!

Gettle: that's original..

*They rush to the forms desk which is -conveniently- placed 50 ft away from them*

Haggis: We need 2 tons of hamster food, a giant wheel, and a really big tranquilizer gun!

Forms lady: Fill out forms 3265, 6416a, 6416b, 4327, 865z, and 809. *puts a 5 ft. thick pile of papers on the desk*

*Gettle throws the forms and lady into a nearby forming plot hole, therefore getting rid of the horrible forms and gettin what they need*

Haggis: wonder where they went...

*haggis takes the hamster food and pours it into the hole hamster man has made. Gettle takes the giant wheel and puts it nearby. they both carefully ready the huge tranquilizer gun...*

Meanwhile, Otter is still on the giant evil jackhammer bouncing away

Gettle: Fire!!!!!

*The huge tranquilizer fires with a huge recoil and the 15ft. long dart runs right into......-another dramatic pause- GONK!! who's GPM(gonks per minute) goes from 600 to 10!!*

Gettle and Haggis: Fuq

*Hamster man then gives a shout of joy when he sees all the hamster food and giant wheel and immedietely begins to stuff his face*

*Gettle tries to go back and get another tranquilizer dart*

Janitor: I'm sorry! We don't have any more!!

Gettle: I KNOW YOU HAVE ONE! GIVE ME!

Janitor: I don't have one!!! *smacks gettle with a skillfully wielded mop*

Gettle: Ow!!

*his name tag reads: Jim*

Gettle: Are you Janitor Jim?

Janitor: No, I'm janitor bob, and im the tooth fairy!

Gettle: really? how come i never saw you as a kid?

Tooth Fairy: ...

Gettle: umm, well there's a giant hamster outside and a very sedated gonk droid...

Tooth Fairy: Well i can give you this gigantic t-rex tooth *drops it on Gettles head*

Gettle: OW!

*the Tooth fairy disappears into a plot hole*

Gettle: What should I do with this? *groan*

What is going to happen to poor gonk! Will hamster man crush him? or reprogram him so tortures the world going at 1000GPM!!! It's horrible to even think about it! All this and more on the next.......er... post

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

(_/=- Meanwhilist -=\_)

*Ha! Didn't say 'Meanwhile'! Wait... doh...*

*OLTE's Palace is now a pile of smoking rubble. Darkside stands on top of it, victorious. The only part of the palace that is not broken into little-bitty pieces is a lone tiolet, because, it made you laugh didn't it?*

Darkside: HAAHAHAH!!! I destroyed his palace!!! HAAHAH... wait... where'd OLTE go anyways!?!?!?

*OLTE emerges from the rubble holding his Really-Big-Gun.*

OLTE: HA! *Fires*

*The entire acre of land is vaporized instantly. Darkside is nowhere to be seen, and OLTE stands there... alone and victorious.*

OLTE: Heh. That will show him to try to destroy my palace!!! Wait...

OLTE: ...

OLTE: #$%.

Ominous Voice: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!! YoU CaNnOt dEsTrOy mE!!!!!!!! I Am dArKsIdE!!!

OLTE: Stop alternating caps. You're making me laugh.

Darkside's voice: Oh, uh... Well... I AM THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE... IT'S PRESENT... PAST... AND FUTURE!!!

OLTE: Yeah, yeah, we've heard all that already... but I'm the Original Last True Evil, remember?

Darkside: No matter. When you die, you're souls will join with ours, and you will fulfil our purpose.

OLTE: Us? Oh wait, lemme guess: You're the Borg, right?

Darkside: NO!!! I am the embodiment of evil!!! I was only possessing that fool Jerec!!! I can possess whoever I want.... LIKE YOU!!!

OLTE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*Darkside possessed OLTE. With a spectacular display of lights, lightning, and stuff, OLTE's eyes turn red and begin to look... strange... like Jerec's/Darkside's.*

OLTE/Darkside: MUAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! Now, I can turn my attention once again to Massassi Forum's Building and those new "world leaders" in their camoflaged vans... and that Mr. Kazinski... *flies off*

-=< In the writer's world >=-

*In the Massassi Forum's Building, MZZTTW is aware of a faint crashing sound on ground floor, but he was on floor 10, so he didn't think it applied to him.*

MZZT: Darn news people will do anything to get a quote. Hey, I wonder if anyone's in today besides me.

*After checking the other offices and finding noone but PMTW (LosienTH and BobTH had gone back to the heroes' realm to avoid confusion), MZZT goes back to his desk.*

MZZT: Yes! No one else here. *Closes his word processor* I'm tired of typing today... *Runs Zone Friends and connects to the 'Net.* Ok, lets play some JK... hey, there's this guy in the lobby here... "NeS_Hater"? Gr... I'll e-mail MSNGZ later and insist that it qualifies as hate speech... hm what's he saying? A new JK clan, Anti-NeS? *Clicks to website* Gr, I'm DEFINATELY gonna get this thing shut down somehow... Woah!!! This site... is PURE EVIL!!! ACK. Pics of skulls, burning USA flags, ... links to KKK sites!!! ... Geb needs to know about this!!

*Gasp* An anti-NeS JK clan?!?!?! Could Darkside or the group of "world leaders"... or maybe it's Mr Kazinski's doing!!! Or is it the Hamster Man?!?!?!? Now that Darkside has the entire army of LTEs at his command (except TLTETW and TLTETH, of course) what will he tell them to do first?!?!? Only time will tell.. and maybe the next few posts!

NOTE: May last post, I forgot to mention that the package was just a firecracker, and the Forum's Building was still standing, if you didn't figure it out. Also, me and PM thewriters aren't the secret agents, the heroes are... oops!!

My next post I want to be something alone the lines of JK... so I'll probably join Geb and Jorbo. BTW, what realm are you in searching for the lvl? I'll assume heroes' for now.

------------------
A 73 year old lady was stopped from boarding a plane in Chicago, because she was carrying two 6-inch knitting needles. They thought she might try to knit an Afghan! - Pastor Harry Thomas

(NSP: no one's posting! grr....)

*Gettle, being of course, the hero, suddenly has an idea! He dashes out carrying the tooth out of the closet and trips over Gonk! The tooth goes flying into the ground near hamster man*

Gettle: Aaaargh!!!!!!!

Haggis: It's your fault, every single time!

Gettle: Well *sniff* sorry... *sits down and cries*

*Hamster Man continues to run in his giant wheel*

Haggis: Well don't just sit there! Do something!

Gettle: Why don't you do anything?! I can't help it if I'm the hero! I QUIT!!! *bursts into more tears*

*Hamster Man suddenly becomes uninterested in the wheel and food, and charges straight at haggis and gettle!*

Haggis: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Gettle: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*They both run away from the huge hamster screaming for some symbol from the writers!*

Who will save the poor humans from the huge hamster man? Will they survive? Of course they will! They are the heros, are you guys stupid or something?! Tune into the next post for their..er..survival..

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

(NSP: Gettle, you obviously didn't pick up on the fact that now-and-days, we writers post few and far between, so you'll have to be patient (until you start to loose count of the days, then you can start being impatient). And MZZT--feel free to drop in the Geb/Jorbo thing *it if nothing else will be a failsafe in case Jorbo doesn't post anymore*. And I don't mean to spoil any surprises or secrets, but in case the other writers out of the loop are confused, we've basically tried to start up multiple plots confusingly tangled together, in hopes that writers will write for at least ONE of these plots~ don't be concerned with whether it flows. If something is glaringly horrifying to look at, we'll write a mystical swirl/plot hole to take care of it Anywhos, I'll make a small post.)

The Original Last True Evil, now possessed by Darkside, contiplates his next move.

OLTE/Darkside: Hmm...now that I have an insanely huge amount of physical power AND my own evil army of loyal followers, I need to figure out how to use these two things to take over the world.

A finger dances around carelessly on a world map, spread out on a table.

OTLE/Darkside: Alright, what does every person trying to take over the world do to start their evil plans? ...an insanely large amount of stolen money! And where else can they easily take them from but Switzerland: famous for their bank accounts, army knives, and ski resorts! Oh yeah, and being neutral in any war due to them being in the middle of Western Civilization as it is known...

The finger pokes at Switzerland.

OTLE/Darkside: Yes, first Switzerland, then the WORLD! Mwahahahahahahahaha...

The camera zooms closer to the point of Switzerland, when the map at the finger's point begins to burn.

OTLE/Darkside: Curses! I hate when my sheer evil power burns things upon touch! I'll need myself a new Discovery Zone playmat of the world now...

------------------
~Geb

(NOTE: So this doesn't crop up, Darkside summoned those other evil potential world leaders--they're part of his plan to take over the world~nothing like ressurecting other bad guys in the classic plan to take over the world.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 04, 2001).]

*NSP: Do you all realize how taxing it is for somebody who doesn't sleep enough to read multiple forum pages with really long posts...? Probably, but I've still made this sacrifice to bless you all with my presence once more.*

*Antestarr, feeling alone, disused, forgotten, and all around poor, tries to find some way to make enough cash to match (or exceed) his fellow heroes. Deciding his best bet would be to return to his black businesses he was in prior to his "heroism", he flips through his black book to find a few numbers.*

Ante: Hmm... which company towed my ship from the original arena before the whole "holy hand remote" ordeal...? Ah, my... er... associates would probably know!

*Ante dials the number for his former hide-out only to be disappointed by the voice at the other end.*

Operator: Thank you for calling Rent-A-Zilla. How may we serve your destructive needs?

Ante: Uhh... isn't this the warehouse?

Operator: Oh no, they haven't payed their phone bills in years, so we overtook their phone number.

Ante: D'oh! Hmm... *looking back at the destructive motions in the city behind him.* Perhaps I could use one of your "Rent-A-Zilla's" can I get it on 100% loan, with intent to pay after a few weeks.

Operator: Well, normally we can't do that, but in this case, you being a celebrity and all, and us getting a memo from some "Massassi Forums Group", we'll let it go this time.

Ante: Excellent...

--------------
*Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse just outside the solar system.*

Nigel: Hey, Signet. The boss has been gone for a while and I'm getting hungry. Maybe we should go look for him and/or food...

Signet: Hey, YEAH! That's a great idea. We should follow this little map-looking screen thing marked "boss tracker" too. I'm sure it'll lead us to food.

Nigel: Okay! Lets go!

*The two oversized henchmen squeeze themselves into an interstellar Pinto and start on their journey to find food... mmm.... foood..........*

Who remembers these simpleton henchmen? Where are they headed with their "boss tracker"? How will the "Rent-A-Zilla" fare against the Hamster Man? Find out next time an eloquent megalomaniac takes time to further this plot!

*Masseto looks out the small window of his Tokyo apartment, and sees a large eye looking back at him. Casually, Masseto picks up an unused broom and shoves the small pointy end through the window, and into the glaring eyeball of hamster man. There is a hideous plopping sound and Hamster man claws at his eye in pain*

Hamster Man: Doh!

Masseto: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

*Hamster man kneels to the ground, trying to pull out the broom.*

*It must have slipped Hamster Man’s mind that he had 6 foot long claws, so this attempt was unsuccessful.*

*Having depth perception no longer, Hamster Man tromps around town gobbling up random expendable citizens and using lightposts for toothpicks. He shoves his claws through a skyscraper and twists, ripping up the structure.*

*Basically, the world was going to heck*

Masseto: I’m bored. I think I’ll watch some TV.

*Lifting up his couch cushion, Masseto grabs a remote and flips on the TV.*

Masseto: ABC: Hamster Man News. CBS: Hamster Man News. PBS: Hamster Man News NBC: Hamster Man News. Home Shopping Channel: Hamster Man news. Cartoon Network: Hamster Man News.

*Suddenly, Masseto pauses in mid-flip. On the screen before him, was somebody that he vaguely recognized.*

Todd: Hi. I’m Tod Ayitsgon Narain, Weatherman from CNN. Normally, we’d have Dan or another news anchor for a press breaking interview like this, but they have tragically been killed in important plot developments. I’m here with Dr. Geb, renowned expert on mutated rodents.

*Dr. Geb sits in a plush chair across from Todd, a coffee cup to his lips. A full neatly trimmed white beard hangs below the doctors spectacles. He clears his throats*

Dr. Geb: Well, to be correct Todd, I only have a minor in Mutated Rodents, but a major in NEStopology.

Todd: Heh. My mistake, Dr. Geb. What is your… professional opinion… of this Hamster Crisis?

Dr. Geb: It’s unfortunate. Most unfortunate.

Todd: Is there any problems that this could cause in the near future? Besides the obvious cannabilism of civilians and destruction of buildings.

Dr. Geb: Indeed infact there is, Mr. Narain. Indeed infact there is. The effect on the stocks for companies producing Hamster Feed has plummeted.

Todd: Is there any stopping such a indifferent monster?

Dr. Geb: Well, Todd, it may be that the monster will stop itself.

Todd: Care to expound on that, Doctor?

Dr. Geb: Well, *Dr. Geb draws a quick graph on the chalkboard behind him* The Hamster Man is growing at a steady continuous rate, correct?

Todd: Correct.

Dr. Geb: Well, at this rate, in a months time, Hamster Man’s mass will be so great that his mass will actually knock the earth out of orbit. Taking into account the earth’s orbit, spin, and Hamster Man’s current location, the earth will collide with the sun, consuming the Hamster man in a tremendous burning fire.

Todd: But, there are several notable side affects to that solution, correct?

Dr. Geb: Well, yes, there are those.

Todd: So you recommend killing Hamster Man by other means?

Dr. Geb: That would be my suggestion, yes.

Todd: Any suggestions as to HOW to get rid of Hamster Man?

Dr. Geb: Don’t worry. The unraveling fabric of space time should kill us long before Hamster Man does?

Todd: Uh… unraveling space time?

Dr. Geb: Haven’t you noticed. The excess of plot lines, the even greater excess of plot holes, shifting tunnels between realms, an abundance of previously thought dead, missing, or gone altogether characters; poor TV reception. The fabric of space time is unraveling. We should feel honored. We’ve never seen this happen before in history. This is a momentous occasion.

Todd: Um… I’m thrilled, really.


------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

*Ante's writer personage walks into the Office of Publication and makes a quick memo to all the fellow writers.*

To: NES Writers
CC: Ares
Subject: Many thanks.

I would like to thank all the writers for allowing my alter-ego to participate in such intelligent, intense, and all around great situations during my several page hiatus. I wish to show my appreciation by setting you all on fire. Internally. With my mind.

Love and Kisses,
Antestarr, well-loved author, psychokinetic, poet, lover, fighter, and cool guy.

PS: This memo has been an attempt at creating a new holiday known as "November Fool's Day". Please report any internal increase in temperature to your local physician immediately, and remember, this never really happened ;-)

(NSP: I think I've got the most level editing skill/experience here, so i'll be GTW/LE(Gettle The Writer/Level Editor) instead of GTW so as not to get confused w/ Geb)

*While our heros make a dash for it, they stall hamster man by placing a naked picture of Haggis in front of him. Hamster man stares at it a bit, and eats it, but gives them enough time to escape*

Haggis: I protest this use of my body for sexual pleasure by enourmous furry beings!

Gettle: Too late now!

*Suddenly by the genius of the writers, a flying carpet materializes in mid-air and whisks them away to somewhere...not Japan*

The heros surroundings are now an island, and they are equipped with swords and grappling hooks

*music suggesting something bad has happened starts*

Gettle: Uh-oh

Haggis: Where are we?!

Gettle: Um...sword + island + nice architexture =

*music builds to a climax*

Gettle: Drazen Isle with Ninja Kage 7.0!!!

Haggis: oh. and?

*music abuptly stops at haggis's comment*

*All of a sudden a big flashy sign appears in front of them saying:

Concussion Rifle sale at Resort Hotel!

Gettle: Oooooh!! *dashes off*

Haggis: Wait for me!!!!


-{Later in the hotel...}-

Gettle: My conc is bigger than yours!!

Haggis: No it isn't!

Gettle: Is too!
Haggis: Is not!
Gettle: Is too!
Haggis: Is not!

*Gettle shoots the tape recorder which was on loop*

Haggis: Ok let's find a room for the night since we're in this hotel...

*They walk around the hotel and find a nice corner room, and they *Think* they here voices *across* the hall*

Voice 1(male): I'm collecting taxes..
Voice 2(feminine): But..I'm not a citizen!

Gettle: umm right how bout this room

*Suddenly lag kicks in and it takes them forever to open the door*

Then...


The door opens!!!!!


Haggis and Gettle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inside is Jan Ors bending over to the mayor! Who looks exactly like otter! who IS otter!!

Haggis and Gettle: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Gettle: GOOD GOD OTTER!!! YOUR THE MAYOR!!! YOU CAN'T GO AROUND SCREWING A LEVEL'S CITIZENS!!

Jan*while trying to put on clothes*: I'm not a citizen...

*All stare it her with a you-know-what-we-mean look*

*Drags otter out and slam door*

*They stay in separate rooms to avoid any contact with otter*

The next day...

Haggis: I'm gonna go look for a map to get out of here

Gettle*in whiny voice*: but i ALWAYS get the map!!

Haggis: No you stay by the bell tower

Gettle: Awww ok

*Gettle goes into the drazen files and edits the cog that creates treasure maps and moves the ghost position into the bell tower and it automatically makes the treasure in the bush next to the bell*

Gettle: Hehehheehhehee >

All of a sudden..in the air appears:

"A map can be found in the Bell Tower!"

Haggis: ...

Gettle: muahahahaha! *grabs map and cuts through the bush and grabs the treasure*

Treasure: -----


What is the treasure? Could this be the perfect level? Will they ever get out of here? *lag kicks in* How.....did....Otter...get here? I'm runing out of ?! What will happen to the heros without >!!!

=-------------------------------------------=


In Real Life:

*GTW/LE is chained to the wall in the dark, evil dungeo-- er... in the basment of the Massassi Forums Building armed only with the powerful cleave and delete tool and wearing a loincloth. His test -> get out and make it back to the NeS thread building!*

*cutscene - camera zooms in on Gettle*
*mission impossible music starts*
Gettle: I must get out some how...(DUH!)
*cutscene ends*

*Gettle deletes the sectors that his hands are trapped in and he is suddenly free! he deletes the jaildoor and takes a quick whiz in the most popular toilet 3do (made by pengun).

He turns a corner and sees a worker at a computer. Gettle uses the butt end of his cleave tool to knock him out. He switches clothes with the man and deletes the body!

He walks along through the hallways deleting non-vital functions of the massassi forums such as random cgi scripts, the Asherons call forums, the spooky taco thread building, and other such things that would make NeS allpowerful!

By accident he deletes the link to the ISP, making the power go out and the NeS building(shack) disappear! o NO!

GTW/LE: Fuq.

Luckily, Gettle has his trusty keyboard and presses ctrl-Z(undo ). The power comes back and the NeS building reappears. YAY

He finds himself...blah blahde blah he make it to the ground floor..yadeeyadeeya.. and... he meets brian there! The very one and only massassi god!

Gettle has a sudden urge to delete him but he notices the many laser turrets focused on him... so instead he deletes the code keys and .jed files in his pockets. Brian goes down the elevator....

Gettle quickly tries to delete the doors of the lobbey, but they are protected by some unknown force!! Alarms go off!*

Alarms: OFF! OFF!

Gettle: ...

Alarms: Bweeep! Bweeep!

Gettle: That's better

*He desperately cleaves the lobbey sector into many sectors, leaving the textures all unaligned and EWOKS pop up everywhere! and brian by chance comes back up because of the alarms*


Brian: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL FORUMS BUILDING!!! RUINED! AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH YOU SHALL DIE!!!

Gettle: uh-oh

*music builds to climax!*

*Gettle makes a mad dash for a window and cleaves the surface in half, resetting the geo flags to 0 along resetting the defaults, allowing him to jump to safety!!! He crosses the adjoin and...*

*Appears back in the NeS building*

Gettle: wha?! what happened!!! *waves his pencil and erasor at GtW*

*everyone claps and cheers for gettle*

GtW: You passed the test!

Yay! Gettle has passed to test into Writerhood! But what will become of Jorbo, will he complete his test? what will happen!! All happening next...later...whenever someone posts again
------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited November 06, 2001).]

(NSP: Hmm...seems we have Gettle, Haggis, Geb, Jorbo, and MZZT in search of the perfect level now. This should be interesting, considering Cooked is a SP buff too. Oh wait, and Otter too. Hmm...)

------------------
~Geb

(NSP: GTW/LE? /sigh. Leave this to the master of abv., STP. S has bn. pst. abv. scn. u. gd. was n. dprs. Well, let's see what we can do about this little conflict of 'g's shall we?

Gett the writer shall henceforth be known as *dramatic trumpet fanfaire*: GBGTW! And of course, seeing as how Jorbo shall soon be joining us, I'll leave one for 'im.

JorBo the writer shall henceforth be known as *dramatic trumpet fanfaire*: JOTW!

Ahh, yes, my work here is done. Abbriviate well good citizens, and fear not the long words, for Sem shall protect you!)

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

*In an undisclosed place, at an undisclosed time, Poster Geb began work on his latest foray into making money for his religious crusade... His progress has come some way, but now, he is ready to move his plan into action. Sitting before his new computer, he is approached by a lacke... er... fellow NeStian.*

NeStian: Umm... most exalted one... what exactly are you... uh... doing? The guys haven't seen you for weeks now and many are slipping away from the daily devotional prayers...

Poster Geb: Ah, my lamb. I have come up with a new way to get both funding and more followers. Here is my new computer! It's a Repentium VII 98GHz system with more ram than Dodge motor company has alltogether. I have used it to create the latest in internet hypnotism... NeS the Comic! All who read it will be compelled to donate all their money to us, followed by coming on sacred pilgrimages to see me and kiss my feet. Soon, followers from all over the world will flock to me, and I, being the only NeStian leader this side of The Arena, shall soon have everyone under my control... I truly am a l337 haX0r.

*Oh NO! Poster Geb has been posessed by a l337 haX0r demon from the internet! Will his religion save him, or will he be forced to subjugate the world to poor spelling and unwitty computer jokes? Find out someday in the future... maybe after the illustrated version comes out and mesmerizes all of you! WOOOOOOO! CLONK Ow! Ok, I'll stop the ominous ghost noises... just keep reading, alright?*

Gettle: "Ummm..."

*Haggis comes rushing up, eyes lit up with "£" signs. He's British you see...*

Haggis: "So what is it? Gold? No...too cliched...precious stones? No...heavy... Wait! I've got it! A great, big, stonking..."

Gettle: "IOU..."

Haggis: "A fiver, yes, but there's more important things to worry about right...oh...I see....damn."

IOU

1 (one) massive chest of treasure,
signed

William Gates
Ruler of the world.


Gettle: "Damn."

Haggis: "What's that?"

*He points to a half-buried envelope, which has suddenly appeared for unknown reasons, which won't become clear later. It was probably caused by a hypothetical "plot hole", which can theoretically be created in the fabric of story-time, and are caused by large accumulations of incompetance and laziness on the writer's part. But there is most likely a much more logical solution that no one can be bothered working out right now...*

Gettle: "It's a set of instructions...."

Haggis: "What? Like "take twice daily to relive headaches, back pains and toothache?"

Gettle: "No....to find the perfect level..."

Haggis: "Go to TACC, click on "Jedi Knight Levels", then on "Imperial Siege on Derra IV"..."

Gettle: "What?!"

Haggis: "Well, I admit it's got a few flaws, but it's pretty damn close to perfect..."

Gettle: "But....but...it's Singleplayer....no frags, no scores, no skins..."

Haggis: "No lag, no cheats, no "1337"...."

*JOTW sees many red dots all over his body*

JOTW: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I have the chicken pox!!!

Will JOTW's chicken pox ever heal? Will JorBo be stuck purgatory with Geb forever?
Tune in after JOTW's chicken pox heal to find out

[This message has been edited by JorBo (edited November 07, 2001).]

Within the "Purgatory" level, Geb wanders through the firey expanse of Hell.

Geb: Dang, this music is getting stuck in my head--it IS hell! *whips out his communicator--convineant, ain't it?* Hey, Jorbo, where are ya?

Jorbo: Er...I think I'm in heaven? It's not what I thought it'd be though. I stil have the chicken pox anyways.

Geb: No female supermodels feeding you grapes?

Jorbo: Er, no. It's a really big white castle, sitting on top of a flat plane of cheaply textured sky that I can walk on. How about you?

Geb: Oh, just wandering in hell.

Jorbo: Oooooh, what does THIS button do?...

Geb: Uh...

From the end of the thin walkway Gebohq was on, several sucessive concussion shots make hard contact with him.

Geb: Oooooow...

Jorbo: *audible drooling*

Geb: Hm. Must be the uncensored version.

After several moments, Gebohq manages to escape from Hell through an underwater passage.

Geb: YES! No more catchy thug music!

Gebohq is then squished as the platform lift from heaven comes down on him, with Jorbo on it.

Jorbo: Sure glad I'm not in heaven anymore--

Geb: M-hm-mm!

Jorbo: Where are ya Geb? I can't see...oh. Oops.

Jorbo then picks up Gebohq and fluffs him like a pillow, unflattening Gebohq back into his normal form.

Geb: Thanks. So, found an exit yet?

Jorbo: No, but I found a painfully hard maze that nearly drove me insane, and before that a camera that looked at an utterly useless lava-throne-thing, and before that, the flaoting platform thingies. You?

Geb: Nope, just the house, and an elevator to hell. I know of a mountain though--fun stuff. Wanna go there?

Jorbo: Is there anything else to do?

Geb: Want to go look at hell?

Jorbo: No.

Geb: Then no. Mountain it is then.

Jorbo: Mountain it is...

Gebohq and Jorbo trek through the lands of Purgatory, jumping from one floating platform to another, entering a room with an open roof, and using their grapple hooks to climb above, where they saw...

Geb: Mount Spork!

Jorbo: How do you know it's called that?

Geb: It said so! Didn't you hear it?

Jorbo: Nooo...

Geb: You didn't hear it say "Spork!"

Jorbo: I think you're confusing this place with something else.

Geb: Well, it should have said it. Last one on the top of the mountain is an inbred cousin of a red-headed midget hermaphrodite!

Jorbo: That was really specific.

Later, on the summit of Mt. Spork...

Geb: *sniff* But I don't want to be an inbred cousin!

Jorbo: Suck it up. So uh...what now?

Geb: Hook up with me, and I'll hook up with you.

Jorbo: Er...I don't swing that way.

Geb: Not that way! Use your grapple hook, and shot it at me, and I'll do the same at you.

Jorbo: Um, alright.

The two hook on to each other. Jorbo raises an eyebrow at Gebohq.

Geb: Hold on...

Using the Force, Geb leaps up in the air, and Jorbo follows. Gebohq then circles around Jorbo, and Jorbo around Gebohq, and soon, they re circling each other in midair.

Geb: Gotta love game physics.

Jorbo: Wheeee!

booming voice: HOW DARE YOU FOOL AROUND! YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO BE SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT LEVEL!

A short fanfare of trumpets is heard on the words "perfect level".

Jorbo: Not you again.

booming voice: WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING?

Geb: It'd help if we could search for other levels you know.

booming voice: THEN IT SHALL BE DONE! *clears throat* ENDGAME!

Geb: You forgot to hit "tab" after talk.

booming voice: HUSH YOU!

Moments later, Gebohq and Jorbo notice that they are on an island, in a hotel room, and written on the wall is "Galvatron wuz here--12/14/99".

Gebohq: ...I know kung-fu! Well, the Ninja Kage patch anyways...

Jorbo: STILL have the chicken pox. *sigh*

Who is the body behind the booming voice? Why does it wish for Jorbo and the others to seek the perfect level? Will Gebohq and Jorbo find CookedHaggis, Gettle, and theOtter? You want to know, don't you? Tune in next time, here on THE NEVRENDING STORY THREAD: Drazen the locked and upright position!

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 09, 2001).]

*Meanwhile, on yet another unraveling plotline.*

*Janitor Bob is still in Mr. Kazinski’s office. But this time, he lies on a large wooden rack cruely tilted at a 45 degree. His legs are wrenched apart by iron manacles, his arms are held above his head by twisted barbwire.*

Janitor Bob: Uh… Mr. Kazinski.

*Mr. Kazinski looks up from sharpening his dagger.*

Janitor Bob: My ear itches. Can you scratch it for me?

Mr. Kazinski: The only thing I can scratch for you is both your eyes.

Janitor Bob: Naw, my eye isn’t itching right now. Care to scratch my back?

Mr. Kazinski: Not especially, no.

Janitor Bob: All my blood is rushing to my head.

Mr. Kazinski: You can imagine how much I care.

Janitor Bob: I’m bored.

Mr. Kazinski: You’re right. It’s about time to get on with it. *Mr. Kazinski leans over to his pager.*

Mr. Kazinski: Secretary? We are ready to begin the torturing.

Janitor Bob: WOAAAAAAAH! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. You can’t torture me… The Massassi Forums Building is still standing. And only a Janitor would be able to get close enough to do the job.

Mr. Kazinski: We’ve already established that you won’t blow up the building…

Janitor Bob: I might change my mind eventually…

Mr. Kazinski: … So we got somebody else to ‘do the job’

Janitor Bob: Tom Clancy?

Mr. Kazinski: Not by half. This person.

*Mr. Kazinksi lifts up a small handheld computer and shows a live streaming video.*

Janitor Bob: Uh… that’s me.
Mr. Kazinski: Not quite. It is an actor by the name of Tim Melville with a very good makeup job.

Janitor Bob: Oh… I thought I’d be played by some actor like Keannu Reeves, or Harrison Ford, or Tom Hanks, or Arnold Swartzenager.

Mr. Kazinski: They just didn’t fit your body type…

Janitor Bob: I mean, how much acting experience has this guy had? How many blockbuster movies has this guy been in.

Mr. Kazinski: He was George Washington in the play ‘February on trial’ in the third grade.

Janitor Bob: This just keeps getting worse and worse…

*A bookcase swivels around and in walks a very familiar looking Russian, along with an armed contingent big enough to invade Switzerland.*

Mr. Kazinski: Ah… The Last True Evil the Cruel and Unusual Torturer. What a pleasant surprise.

TLTETCAUT: Da. And to you, Mr. Kazinski.

Janitor Bob: Wait a minute! The Last True Evil is working for Mr. Kazinski!

TLTETCAUT: Not quite, Comrade Bob. Mr. Kazinski is working for ME!

Mr. Kazinski: Uh… no I’m not.

TLTETCAUT: Yes, you are. Remember!

Mr. Kazinski: What the heck are you talking about! You are my expert torturer.

TLTETCAUT: No… YOU are MY expert Crime Boss.

Janitor Bob: Are you two done arguing yet? Cause I really want to go home.

Mr. Kazinski: Right, right. Let’s get on with the tormenting.

* TLTETCAUT wheels his chair over to Bob’s rack and takes out a large car battery with two jumper cables attached to them*

TLTETCAUT: We’ll just attach these two wires to your…

Janitor Bob: EARS!

TLTETCAUT: Yes… ears.

Janitor Bob: I just want to go home. Is that all too much to ask.

*Suddenly, almost magically, a small brown bubble slips through a crack in the ceiling. As it floats towards our captured custodian it grows larger and larger. Finally, the bubble hits a tiki torch and bursts. The burst bubble reveals the NES fairy, but this time it is full sized and is wearing a large pink dress and a crown. It turns to Bob and speaks.*

NES fairy *in falsetto voice*: You’ve always had the power to go home, Bob. You just have to click your Janitorial Boots together twice, and say…

Janitor Bob: My feet are separated by 3 inches of raw iron!

NES fairy *Angry*: Okay, don’t thank me! I was just trying to help! See if I ever help you again… *grumble* ungrateful…

*The NES fairy walks over to a nearby corner and sits down and pouts.*

*A few electrifying hours later*

TLTETCAUT: Duct tape.

*Mr. Kazinski hands TLTETCAUT a roll of Duct Tape.*

TLTETCAUT: Tar.

*Mr. Kazinski hands TLTETCAUT a barrel of tar and a pillow case*

TLTETCAUT: Toothpaste.

*Mr. Kazinski hands TLTETCAUT a tube of crest.*

TLTETCAUT: Let’s start with the mud.

* TLTETCAUT reaches into a barrel and grabs a thick oozing mass of mud with his hands. He reaches it towards Bob’s spotless face. Bob wrenches back. Bob’s life flashes before his*

*Memories of laughter. Memories of sunshine. Memories of birthday parties and friends together. Of a time. An innocent time. Memories of receiving his very first squeegee and his first time using it. Washing cars to raise money for that pushbroom in the store window. The noon sun reflecting off a polished glass. The look of a spotless window. The feel of a shining toilet. The smell of Windex. The taste of Comet…*

*He was a Janitor, darn it! Once a Janitor, always a janitor. It was his calling, his talent, his gifting. He never should have strayed from it. Now he was regretting it. When it may be too late.*

*Bob opens his eyes and sees the mud 2 inches away from his face.*

Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!![/b]

*With a surge of sudden Testosterone, Bob wrenches up his feet, snapping the iron chains. He cuts the rope with his teeth, freeing his hands. Then he snaps the rack over his knee and knocks over the two criminals with each half*

*The NES fairy launches a pushbroom through the air towards Bob. Bob catches it.*

*The armed guards raise their guns but as they do, Janitor Bob leaps high into the air, spinning his pushbroom*

*Several bullets whiz through the air towards Bob. Instinctively and in mid-air, he whips out his metal dustpan. The bullets are deflected randomly around the room. Screams of a few guards can be heard. Stain Glass windows shatter. A stray bullet hits TLTETCAUT’s car battery; which explodes in a massive pyrotechnic display. The shockwave knocks over Mr. Kazinski’s chair, skattering the Tiki Torches. The Torches flames alight upon the rooms wood paneling.

*The armed guards look around in the confusion. Suddenly they find Janitor Bob in the middle of them. The next thing they see is a blur of pushbroom, and then blackness. A guard by a window raises his M-16 and aims…*

*Bob flings a spinning squeegee in his direction. The squeegee hits him in the stomach at full force. The impaled guard flies out the window, with the impact.*

*Bob pauses; seeing no more enemies in sight rushes over towards the Bookcase/door.*

*By this time the room is encircled in flame.*

*He grabs the bookcase and pulls.*

*Nothing happens*

*Mr. Kazinski gets up from under his desk. Wood chips litter his arms. His hair is on fire. His tongue lolls out and he staggers to his feet. He hatefully looks at Bob and pulls out a grenade.*

Mr. Kazinski: JANITOR… bob. *Cough* I’m afraid the door is locked. I’m afraid the last sight you’ll ever see is this room engulfed in my grenade’s explosion. I’m afraid you are going to die. Are you afraid?

Janitor Bob: Uh… kinda…
Mr. Kazinski: Take a good look around at your final resting place…

*Eager to oblige Mr. Kazinski, Janitor Bob eyes the room, the barred doors, toppled desk, flaming paneling, and… the glare of a shining window.*

Janitor Bob: A little bit of advice for you, Mr. Kazinski. *Bob eyes the window* In the future, if you’re an evil crime boss attempting to trap an innocent Janitor in a room with barred doors so you can kill yourself and him in a grenade explosion… *Bob gets into sprinter position*… always… remember… to bar the windows!

*Janitor Bob takes off towards the window, he shoots his pushbroom forward like a javelin. The small point of the pushbroom shatters the window and Janitor Bob dives through.*

*It was about when he was passing the 167th story out of 195 that Janitor Bob realized his mistake*

*Several minutes later*

Mr. Kazinski: Where’s the splattering crunch of bones! I don’t hear the splattering crunch of bones! There’s supposed to be a splattering crunch of bones!

*Janitor Bob hangs from the side of the building at the 93rd floor, his plunger stuck to the brick wall. The cold wind licks at his face. A seagull perches on his head.*

[/I]Darn you, Bob the Writer! Darn you! You just HAAAAD to end the post on a ‘cliffhanger’ Or was it just that you didn’t know what else to write? How long will Bob hang from his plunger? What will happen to Mr. Kazinski? Will he be flamebroiled, well done, or simply left Medium Rare? Find out soon on the Neverending Story: Fulfilling your Posting Needs since 1902.[/I]



------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Mike: (waking up) Where am I?

(NSP: Thanks MZZT for keeping PM alive.)

*Moments after being interviewed by CNN, NBC, FOX reporters and Police investigators, PM received a call on his ultra-high-tech spy communicator watch.)

Agent Dipatcher: "Agent PM, we have a code 065355 in Toyko, Japan. You are to assit our field agents immediatley in eliminating the threat. Good luck Agent PM."

PM: "Affrimative Dispatch, Im on my way."

With that, PM hopped onto his motorcycle that was parked nearby and sped off towards the nearest airport. Using his watch, he read his mission briefing while goin down the highway. A giant hamster/man hybrid was on the loose, terrorizing the city. Casualties were on the rise, and the damage was already in the trillions.

Apparently, a Mcdonald's employee, a man in a ski mask and a recently employed writer for the NeS had tried to attack the creature.

PM: "Crap, that thing is huge! How the heck am I gonna kill that huge thing? Intel, do you have any suggestions for destroying that thing?"

Dispatch: "Intel reports that if the creature is not destroyed in exactly 82 hours, the creature's wieght will surpass that of the Earth's, and the Earth will plummet into the sun, destroying both the creature and the Earth. Intel suggests that you use every single weapon available to you. The entire world is depending on you Agent PM, good luck."

Will PM find out a way to stop the Hamster Man monster in time? Tune in next time to find out the fate of the world!

------------------
I am the Shadow...

*Bob hangs from his plunger for about 3 hours, seagulls flying around him like he is some pagan god. Just as his arms are numb to the point that he has no control over them, the window above him slides open, and TLTECAUT pokes his head out. A chainsaw is in his left hand, and a blowtorch in the other.*

TLTECAUT: Privet, Bob. What's that American saying..."How they hangin'"?

*This sends TLTECAUT into a wild frenzy of hysterical laughter. Bob waits patiently, wondering when he'll shut up. Eventually, he does.*

TLTECAUT: Well, I guess I'll just be killing you NERRRRRRRRRGH!

*The Russian torturer moans and convulses, temporarily ducking out of Bob's point of view. When he reappears, his eyes glow bright red.*

Bob: My God...you're a ROBOT!

TLTE/Darkside: Wrong, janitor-man. I'm Darkside. I've come to eliminate you and your NeS band so you cannot stop me from overtaking Switzerland and stealing all its monetary supplies...

Bob: That's brilliant! And...with every TLTE in the world at your evil command...you'd be unstoppable!

TLTE/Darkside: Thank God you picked up quickly. I sense I'm going to have to go over the concept several times with your less intelligent writers...

*In one swift motion, the possessed Russian keys his chainsaw, but Bob is already moving. He grabs TLTE/Darkside by the chest and pulls him over the edge. Both of them tumble earthward, but Bob grabs the chainsaw and drives it into the wall, creating a violent spark-trail as he shudders down the side. It works, and he is able to slow himself down to a crawl by the time he reaches the ground.*

Bob: Thank my janitorial intuition for that little chestnut...

*Cautiously, he strides over to TLTE/Darkside's broken, shuddering form. Suddenly, a ghostly, almost transparent form shrieks out of the body.*

Ghost Darkside: Curse you, Janitor Bob! You've destroyed my body, but don't worry; I literally have millions more!

*He screeches in laughter, and glides soundlessly through the building, out of Bob's view. Slowly, Bob approaches TLTECAUT.*

TLTECAUT: Bobbbbbbb...*cough cough*

Bob: Rest easy, comrade. You've done all you could.

TLTECAUT: Bob....wait! *Wheeze* TLTETH...and TLTETW...*Choke*...Immune to Darkside's...luuuure....

Bob: Really? We'll need their help...where are they?

TLTECAUT: Waiting...for you...at the....Perfect...L......L....

Bob: Perfect what??

TLTECAUT: Waiting for you at...the Perfect Levelllll....

*He dies, dramatically. Dramatic music plays as Bob dramatically wipes a tear from his eye and dramatically stares out at the sunset.*

Bob: I'd better get cracking and find the Perfect Level, and the rest of the gang...it's looking to be a huge brouhaha in Switzerland!

--------------MEANWHILE-----------------

*Outside the sparkling golden gates of the Perfect Level, TLTETW lights a cigar. TLTETH paces up and down impatiently.*

TLTETH: Can't we just take a peek?

TLTETW: No.

*More repressive silence.*

TLTETH: Come onnnnnn.....

TLTETW: No.

TLTETH: Why not?

TLTETW: Look, we're not meant to. We're not even meant to meet in person; I should write your stories, and you should be in them. These are exceptional circumstances.

TLTETH: Oh yeah? How's that?

TLTETW: We have to get the NeS gang together, march into war-torn Switzerland-

TLTETH: Hang on, war-torn Switzerland?

TLTETW: Trust me, by the time we get there, it'll be Armaggeddon. Anyway, we march into war-torn Switzerland, find OLTE's Palace of Doom, and kill him.

TLTETH: Kill OLTE? Our benefactor? Our original?

TLTETW: Drastic measures, I know...but the alternative is unthinkable.

TLTETH: Aww, come on...us alone could beat this darkside fellow...

TLTETW: No way, jose. We need the NeS crew. And that's why we're waiting right here. So sit down and shut up.

*Pouting furiously, TLTETH sits down and waits...*

(Oh yeah, by the way, TLTE's appearance... of course, each clone is a bit different, in whatever way, but they all follow the same basic build; about 6'1, blue eyes, blondy-brown hair, proud features and a penchant for black clothes and capes. I might get a picture up sometime, but until then, arriverdeci.)