B.U.M.P.!

It so needed one, with the forums being down and all

Oh yeah, and NeS has reached the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything! God bless Douglas Adams, and may his soul rest in peace.

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 15, 2003).]

[nsp]Uhh, I'd post for other characters but I have no idea what's going on with anyone else.. I'll just keep up with what I'm doing now...[/nsp]

*Shadows danced back and forth along the rough-hewn walls of the ancient passageway as Sarn followed Dormouse deeper and deeper into the underground lab. The passageway smelled of mold, and old cheeze its. Occaisionally, different passageways would branch off to the right or left, and Dor would alter course and follow one of them apparently at random. Their path always sloped downwards, and it began to grow warm in the passageway. Finally Dormouse rounded a corner and stopped suddenly. Sarn bumped into him and they both tumbled. When Sarn looked up there was nothing but a blank wall.

Sarn: A dead END??? You led me to a dead end?

Dor (muttering to himself) : That's strange. I couldda sworn that went somewhere...

Sarn: Do you know where we are?

Dor: Not a clue. This should be a perfect spot to begin your training.

Sarn: Uhh. I'm confuzed.

Dor: Of course you are. That's because you are not yet a True Hero.

Sarn: Says who? Look, I've got this!

*Sarn pulls from his cloak a rolled document, and hands it to Dormouse.

Dor: "This is to certify that on this day, blah blah, Sarn_Cadrill has graduated with honors... blah, blah, yak yak... from Gregory's School of True Heroes, and is hereby given the title of Master True Hero, and is entitled to all the benefits and perks contained therein."

Sarn: See?

Dor: Hmm, whattya know? Well that's good that you're already a True Hero.

Sarn: Why's that?

Dor: Because someone's gotta rescue us from an eternity of wandering these catacombs, and it might as well be you. Nice how that worked out, eh, you just happening to be here when we needed you most?

Sarn: Oh boy. I guess we'd better get started. Let's go this way!

Sarn spins wildly on one heel and comes to a rest facing a blank wall.

Sarn: ... Or we could just start going back the way we came.

Dor: Good idea, T.H. Sarn. Perhaps you truly are worthy of your title.

The two walk off down the corridor, which is now slanting slightly upwards, singing and making merry.


-----------------

[nsp]Geb, that's liek the second time I've posted this month. You should be proud of me.[/nsp]

------------------
Nail pierced hands. A wounded side.
This is love.
http://www.writings-emag.netThe next big thing since individually wrapped cheese slices (coming soon).

In the 1980s, at NeSU. . .

*Geb is in the Storywriting Class, along with his classmates. He is rapt with attention. Someone else, though, is not*

Gettleburger: *snore*

Keyboarding Teacher: So, remember, class, when storywriting, the important thing is to ALWAYS do wrist and finger exercises to keep them in typing trim. Now, then-

Gettle: *snore*

Keyboarding Teacher: Ahem.

Gettle: *snore*

Keyboarding Teacher: GETTLE!

Gettle: Huh, what?

Keyboarding Teacher: That's it! I've had it! I don't mean to be dramatic, but-

Gettle: Uh, teach, you're singing from Disney's "Return of Jafar".

Keyboarding Teacher: Silence! I hereby give you detention.

Gettle: *muttering* Anything's better than this Writer-forsaken class. . .

Keyboarding Teacher: . . . with Dean Stockwell.

Gettle: Ack! Except that!

*As Gettle and the Keyboarding Teacher argue, the student sitting next to Geb leans over*

Pyotr Hussein: Hey, Geb, guess who got a higher grade than you did on that last test?

Geb: *grumble* Yeah, you did, just because the teacher's a fan of your father's. *raises fist*

Pyotr: Eep?

-----

On Page 2345, in Neo London. . .

Wino #1: Who's that?

Wino #2: Dunno. *takes a long swig from bottle* Could be a corpse.

Wino #4: Another one?

Wino #2: What happened to Wino #3?

Wino #4: He's the corpse.

Wino #2: Oh. *pause* Then who's that?

Wino #1: Oh, the new body?

Yes, as a matter of a fact, a body is laying face up on the ground beneath the hellish skies of Neo London. His eyes are wide open, feverishly bright blue and unseeing. His pitch-black hair is rumpled, and his clothes are tattered. The remains of a cape clings to his form.

Wino #4: Yeah, him.

Wino #1: I think that's a Character(TM).

Wino #4: A Character(TM)?! I thought they all died of old age by the 22nd century!

Wino #2: What are the Characters(TM)?

Wino #4: They are the chosen ones, born in the 20th century, champions set against the forces of darkness. They will fight in Zero Hour, the greatest battle of them all, the Armageddon of the multiverse.

Wino #2: Really?

Wino #4: Or else it's just an alcoholic fantasy. . .

Many years pass, and many more pages are written. On page 4999, though, we find the winos long gone, but this man's body still lies here among the rubble of a city destroyed in plot-hole war.

Audience Member: Plot-hole war?

Yes. By page 3000, the people of Earth had learned to harness plot-hole energy and use it to bomb the dickens out of each other.

Audience Member: Oh.

Anyways, as you may have guessed, this man, this Character(TM) is none other than Highemperor himself. His body is shriveled now, like that of a corpse, though his eyes are as bright as ever, though still unseeing. Two government officials walk down this ruined alley.

Gov't Official #1: Well, Hank, I think this beats all. The plot-hole radiation has been successfully cleansed from Neo London's atmosphere, and it is safe to rebuild.

Hank: I agree with your assessment, Gov't Official #1.

Gov't Official #1: Hey! How come you get to have a name, and I don't?

Hank: You drew the short straw, remember?

GO1: Oh, yes. Hey, what's that?

*They come upon Highemperor's ruined body*

Hank: *gasp* That's a Character(TM)! I can't believe one of their bodies is still intact!

GO1: Tell me about it. The Character(TM) Gebohq just dissipated into dust when he died.

Hank: No, he was a Porni Master. He disappeared to join the Porn Force.

GO1: Right. Anyway, we should preserve this Character(TM)'s body for posterity in a museum!

Hank: Right. But how to do that?

GO1: We could mummify him!

Many more centuries and pages pass. Finally, on page 3,801,425,769, we come to find Highemperor's body again. It is buried beneath the sands of a scorched Earth, for the planet is now closer to the sun, in the city of the dead, Neo Hamunaptra. Two Tusken Raiders, moved to Earth from the Star Wars galaxy, come upon the lost city.

Tusken Raider #1: Ooomp gort ogar!

TR2: Ooshi kaka whoooooooomba!

Er. . . okay. Since we can't understand a word they're saying, we'll just skip this part. Basically, on this page, Highemp is resurrected as a mummy and terrorizes the galaxy before being returned to his tomb. Anyway, onto page Infinity. . . the End of Time.

*The entire Milky Way galaxy has ceased to exist, being destroyed by supernovas and collisions with other galaxies and whatnot. The entire space/time continuum is slowly tearing itself apart*

*In the asteroid field where the Solar System used to be, a sudden collision of two asteroids wakes someone from his sleep*

Highemp: Whoa! *discovers himself surrounded by the rock of an asteroid* What's going on? *thinks for a moment* Oh, now I remember. I got a good dose of "Reality Syndrome", where I'm too entangled by quote-unquote "reality" to notice NeS. *breaks out of asteroid with Andorian, xenomorphic, and mummy powers*

*He sees the universe ravaging itself*

Highemp: Oh, my. *he flies over to a nearby asteroid and discovers a graveyard*

Highemp sees the names engraved on the tombstones. One of them is Gebohq. A second is Krig the Viking. Another is the Audience. Another is James Earl Jones. Still another is TLTE. In fact, all the Characters(TM) are there, except for Highemp himself. And yet another is the Narrator- Wait a second, I'm dead, too?

Highemp: Yup.

Oh. Well. In that case, I'll return to my grave. Ta-ta!

Highemp: Hmmm. This is dreadful. *sees a large mausoleum in the back of the cemetery* Oh, no. . . *then a devious grin forms on his face* I know how I can turn this to my advantage.

-----

Back in the present day. . .

Geb: Ah. Nothing like a quiet day at the Hall of Heroes, reliving old memories. And watching porn. That's the main thing, of course. I wonder whatever happened to ol' Pyotr Hussein, my old rival.

*A blinding flash of light, well, uh, blinds him momentarily*

Geb: Whoa!

Highemp: *appearing out of explosion of light* Help me, Gebi-wan Kenohq. You're my only hope.

Geb: Er. . .

Highemp: Oh, right, I forgot, you're not a Porni Master yet, only a Pornawan.

Geb: What do you mean?

Highemp: *aggrieved sigh* Geb, I'm coming from the future.

Geb: Yeah, I was kinda wondering what happened to you on page 2345.

Highemp: Actually, I went catatonic from a dose of "reality". I awoke at the End of Time on Page Infinity and saw the most horrible thing. I had to come back here to warn you.

Geb: Can it wait? I mean, it didn't happen for what, an infinite number of pages-

Highemp: *glares*

Geb: Eep?

Highemp: Exactly.

Geb: What?

Highemp: Come, and I will show you.

*They both disappear in a flash of light*

-----

Back at the End of Time-

Audience Member: Hey! You're dead!

*pouts* Well, so are you!

*Highemp and Geb appear in the cemetery*

Geb: Why don't you both shut up!

Highemp: Geb. . . look.

*Geb gasps as he sees all the tombstones. Then - he sees the very mausoleum that Highemp saw. And written on the tomb is-*

The Never-Ending Story
Born at the Beginning of Creation. Died Zero Hour. Murdered in one post by EeP.

Geb: Eep!

Highemp: *nodding* Exactly.

Geb: No, I mean this is scary. And who is "EeP"?

Highemp: The Ever-Ending Plot. The bane of all that is NeS.

Geb: No! If NeS died - dies - will die - ah, screw it - if it is dead, evil wins!

Highemp: Yes.

Geb: Can't the Writers do anything about this?

Highemp: Ah. . . now you begin to understand. The Writers have no direct power over EeP, for EeP is separate from NeS. So all the Writers ever to exist, from AncientWriter the Writer to ArmageddonWriter the Writer, funneled their power into their greatest creations: us.

Geb: Us?

Highemp: Yes. All of us at the Hall of Heroes. We are the Characters(TM) on which the responsibility to stop EeP is placed.

Geb: But we've already failed!

Highemp: No. Always in motion is the future.

Geb: *rolls eyes*

Highemp: EeP is someone you know. . . he is the Devil Incarnate. Possessed by Matthew Pate. He is. . . PYOTR HUSSEIN!

Geb: My greatest rival! No!!!!

Highemp: Yes! And now we must return to the present to warn the other heroes!

------------------
Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel!

NSP: This is a completely non-story post. None of this is part of NeS. I just wanted to showcase this from a conversation Geb and I had over AIM earlier today. Brilliant, isn't it?

Highemp: Don't laugh, bubba. Or I'll shoot the juke box!

Geb: Er. . . right.

Highemp: Uh. . . LOOK OVER THERE! *he highemps it*

Geb: *pile of ashes*

Highemp: *self-satisfied smile* Wheee! Highemping is fun!

Geb: uh-huh

Highemp: You've never heard of the song, 'Bubba shot the juke box'? Bubba shot the juke box, called it a fair fight! That's the only line I remember. It's a hilarious song.

Geb: I see

Highemp: Dang, I haven't heard that song in ages. . . Nor thought of it. . .

Geb: *mutters* For good reason. . .

Highemp: Hey!

Geb & Highemp simultaneously: Uh. . . LOOK OVER THERE! *Geb gebs it and Highemp highemps it*

Highemp: Wheee! This is fun!

Geb: Alright, buster, you're making me mad!

Highemp: Er. . .

*Geb highemps it and Highemp gebs it*

Highemp aka pile of ashes: Owie. . .

Many days later. . .

Highemp aka pile of ashes: So I’ve been a pile of ashes for a while. Think you’ll ever un-highemp me and let ME do the highemping?

Geboda: Difficult, the future is to see. Always in motion is the future, yes, mm-hmm. Lost a body Master Highemp has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing. *Yoda laugh* Hehehehehe!

Highoda: Laugh, you dare, at me? *highemps it*

Highoda: Lost a leg, Slave Geb has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing. Hehehehehehehehe. (in Yoda laugh)

Geboda: A leg better to have lost than your mind. Or good skin complexion; can't imagine the Emperor really likes his wrinkly skin...

Highemp: He doesn't. I know for a fact. He and I have tea every Thursday. Emperor to emperor, you know.

Geb: Of course.
Highemp: We discuss strategies for conquering galaxies, the most brutal tortures, and the best ways to put down rebellions. With the second, we both agree that it's Shadowlord's Reality Show of Doooooooom! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah a!

Geb: Uh-huh.

Highemp: We also have an evil-cackle contest. Guess who wins, hands-down, every time?

Geb: Um...the other guy?

Highemp: *glares*

Geb: Uh. . . LOOK OVER THERE! *he gebs it*

Highemp: *highemps Geb, smiting him with unholy lightning*

Geb: See Geb. See Geb run. Run Geb run.

Highemp: See Highemp. See Highemp smite. Smite Highemp smite.

Geb: *sigh*

Highemp: You're no fun. *glares*

Geb: Eeep. . .

*bolts sizzle from Highemp's eyes to Geb's entrails, castrating him*

Geb: Owie. . .

Schrimanor: (who is dueling Geb’s character at Highemp’s website, the High Citadel[/shameless plug]) Aw, dangit, Highemp, why'd you have to do that? Now what's left for me?

Highemp: Sorry, ol' chum.

Palpatine: Hey! I thought /I/ was your ol' chum!

Highemp: You both are. Schrimanor, is after all, modeled after you, in many ways.

Geb: After me?

Highemp: No, Schrimanor isn't castrated.

Palpatine: After me! *mutters* Bloody eejit. . .

Geb: Who ya calling a bloody eejit?

Palpatine: Er. . . LOOK OVER THERE! *he gebs it*

Highemp: Hey, come back here, you coward! I won't have you enspoiling the name of despots everywhere! *glows as energy crackles angrily around him* PALPATINE! GET. BACK. HERE!

Palpatine: Eep? *wets his robes*

Schrimanor: Oy. *wets his power armour*

Geb: Yowza. *tries to wet his pants, but can't, cuz he's castrated*

Highemp: Man, I'm good. I'm on fire!

Geb: *dumps a bucket of water on Highemp*

*water evaporates against energy field surrounding Highemp*

Geb: Your loss, you're the one on fire...

*Highemp turns his glare onto Geb*

Geb: Eep? *so scared, he wets his pants defying all natural laws*

Highemp: Me? In DANGER? You DARE suggest that /I/ could be in danger!

Geb: *points to point in Saga where Highemp is shot in the heart and is nearly killed*

Highemp: Oh. Er, right.

Geb: *scratches head* Wait, how did I know that?

Voice from Heavens: B/c I, the Writer, have written it into the script!

Geb: But this isn't NeS!

Voice from Heavens: . . .

Or is it...? *insert Unsolved Mysteries theme*

Geb's Advocate: We will sue you for plagiarizing NeS!

Voice from Heavens' Advocate: But then I will sue NeS for plagiarizing everything else!

Geb: *to advocate* He's got a point there.

Judge: Doesn't matter to me, s'long as I get paid. . .

Geb: I plead insanity!

Geb's Advocate: Jabba - er, Voice from Heavens and advocate, this is your last chance. Surrender. . . or die.

Geb: *whispering* What are you doing?

*Geb thinks, [/I]Who is my advocate again...?[/I]*

Geb's Advocate: *whispering back* Hoping desperately that you have a spare plot hole to save us.

Judge: Insanity plea granted.

Geb: W00t! *draws a moustache and goatee on the judge and bounces away, going "woohoohoohoo..."*
Judge: You will live at the rest of your life in an asylum. Arkham Asylum. *continuing* In keeping with the Arkham tradition, we will throw acid on your face and dye your hair green, and put toxic plant sap on your lips.

Geb: But that's for the criminally insane! What of the difference between criminal and civil suits?

Judge: Oh, right. Well, unless you bribe me, I can't get you anywhere else.

Geb's Advocate: I recommend bribing him.

Geb: But I don't swing that way...

Judge: Good Lord! That's not what I meant!

Geb: Uh-huh, I know...your secret is safe with me and your closet...

Geb's Advocate: Here's $10,000. Bribe him with this.

Geb: Where did you get that?

Geb's advocate: Uh...

Meanwhile, a family is now on the streets, having their bank account mysteriously wiped out...

Geb: Here ya go, your dishonor.

Judge: Why thank you. *runs fingers through bills* Alright, I'll get you life chained to the audience of Shadowlord's Reality Show of Doooooooom!

Geb: Noooooooooooooo!

Geb's Advocate: *pulls off mask, revealing that he's Highemp* Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Geb: But wait--aren't there women on that show? so it's like porn, yes?

Highemp: Yes, but you're forever restricted to watching them be pleased by another man, who is incredibly virile.

Shadowlord: I'll say. It's a skyscraper.

Highemp: AND you're castrated, so you can't derive any enjoyment out of naked women, anyway.

Geb: Oh right.

Highemp: You will have all the memories of sexual enjoyment tantalizing you with no way to actualize them! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Geb: There could be worse things.

Highemp: Like what?

Geb: Like being in an asylum full of criminally insane super villains

Judge: Oh, didn't we mention it? The inmates of Arkham Asylum have all signed up for the new therapy program. They're joining you in the audience.

Highemp: And THEY ain't castrated.

Geb: Oh boy--audience participation…

Judge: So we're still dyeing your hair green and throwing acid on your face.

Geb: Well, I still at least get my one phone call. true, I'd probably waste my call on ordering pizza rather than calling someone to bail me out...

Highemp: It gets worse.

Geb: Of course. *yawn*

Highemp: We are doing reconstructive surgery on you to turn you into. . .

*drum roll*

Highemp: APATHIS! THE EPITOME OF YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!

Geb: *raises eyebrow*

Highemp: Oh, come on, Geb, we all know how apathy is your worst fear and your greatest evil.

Geb: How do I look like Apathis AND the Joker, now? And I already look pretty much like him--it's his personality I fear, not his appearance.

Judge: We're doing reconstructive surgery on your BRAIN, idiot. With that $10,000 you gave me.

Geb: I see. well that's not really in my hands then, is it? It's not like I've CHOSEN to become Apathis--I'm being forced too. Thus my conscience is clean.

Voice from Heavens: Work WITH me here! We will make you apathetic to everything except for the fact that you ARE apathetic, so you will hate yourself and everything. . . forever!

Geb: At least do something like "You must either choose to be apathetic OR we'll kill your family,” or something like that

Highemp: Hey, I don't nose in on your stuff, don't nose on my expertise, like mentally reconstructive surgery. This will reconfigure your brain so it works.

Geb: I didn't know you were an expert. . . :-P

Highemp: /I'm/ not, but the Joker here is.

Geb: I see.

The Joker: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! *comes forward with wickedly sharp instruments*

Geb: There is still good in you Mark Hamill! no wait....

The Joker: *draws green and purple lightsaber*

Geb: *picks up his castrated manhood and holds it in en garde position* I feel the good in you, Mark Hamill. . . the conflict.

The Joker/Mark Hamill: There is no conflict. . .

Geb: *sigh* And of course, my manhood is more useless than a toothpick, yes?

Voice from Heavens: Yes, quite right.

Geb: I think I could write this script...

Mark Hamill: *stabs lightsaber up Geb's nose and goes into aggressive negotiations with his brain*

Geb: Ouch.

(In the audience) Natalie Portman: *aside* “Aggressive negotiations”?

(In the audience, sitting next to Portman) Darth Vader: *aside* Negotiations with a lightsaber.

Natalie Portman: Ahhhhh.

Mark Hamill: *reconfigures Geb's brain with lightsaber, forming him into Apathis*

Geb: With a lightsaber--impressive!

*of course, by the time he's done, Geb's face is a mess. . .*

------------------
Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel!

Ad interim...

*closes thesaurus*

Take THAT "meanwhile!"

*cough*

Back at NeSU, Gebohq walks away from his Storywriting class.

Geb: Taking that class fustrates me sometimes.

Pyotr: I don't see why it should.

Geb: Easy for you to say... I don't believe a writer should be disinterested in their work anyways. I don't care if some famous French guy said so or not.

Pyotr: I've read your stuff in class. It sucks. Does it even have a plot?

Geb: Who cares? As long as it's got a good story, why get hung up on details?

Pyotr: I see now why you majored in Fighting Arts...*rolls eyes*

Geb: Hey! I resemble that remark... well I have better things to do! I'm off to take the trials for the upcoming competition.

Pyotr: That's a laugh! Good luck!

*Pyotr walks away, leaving Gebohq continuing on his way to his entrance trial into the upcoming competition.*

"Antloveben Purwad Timlybio Tops!"

Unscramble the letters to reveal a familiar and helpful friend of NeS! What would we ever do without you...

(NSP: I'm slowly working on doing the cliffnotes version of NeS... ever so slowly... only on page 3? Oh dear...

EDIT: Assuming that GA Farrant's post within the first post of NeS was the 131st post, as he infers to concerning the original content of NeS beforehand (which is most likely forever lost ) NeS, including its lost origins, would be at 1824 replies and not 1645 posts. Just an interesting tid-bit.

If you all have any particular requests you'd like for the NeS cliffnotes, please tell I'll do my best to include what you want.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 19, 2003).]

BUMP

[I would post you know, but I've got a doctor's certificate excusing me. True story.]

------------------

roight, not the long post I promised, just some bothersome little bit of fun.
------------
as GAlrek wandered aimlessly away from the squatting viking, he tripped and fell flat on his face.
Small Useless Device That Goes Bing:"BING!"
Galrek:"what are you?"
SUDTGB:"Bing?"
Galrek:"do you say anything but Bing?"
SUDTGB:"bing. bing bing bing BING bing biNG!"
GAlrek:"hmm...maybe I'll find somebody who might find a good use for you."
making another of those semi-momental decisions, Galrek picks up the SUDTGB and puts it in his pocket, where it begins Bing'ing loudly. Galrek decides it is afraid of the dark and takes it out, looks at it for a second, and then sets it on his shoulder.
SUDTGB:"Bing. bing bing."
--------------
I seem to remember something that went bing involved in the storyline. figured it should be just as involved as everyone else.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

Oy, I need to take a break. Computer?

<<...zzzz.....*has "Do Not Disturb" in 3-D text bouncing on its screen*>>

WAKE UP!

<<...huh? What?>>

Narrate this post for me. I need a break.

<<Do I have to?>>

Lazy bum...don't make log you in to #NeS!

<<AHH! Ok ok, I'll do it, yeesh...>>

<<SETTING: NeSU, some years ago. It's a well-organized lecture hall with a waitering class in session. CookedHaggis enters the hall (quite a wreck) finding a seat with little grace, drawing a lot of attention to himself. The professor, appalled at this, stops his class to address CookedHaggis.>>

Prof: Would you care to explain your rude and tardy arrival, Mr....?

Haggis: Uh, CookedHaggis. I, uh--

Prof: Nevermind! I don't want to hear your excuses. Can you tell me the first rule in being a waiter?

Haggis: Uh...serve the right food to the right person?

*The class laughs and snickers at his response. The teacher rolls his eyes.*

Prof: Customer service! My word, do you know nothing of being a waiter?

Haggis: Isn't the purpose of this class to learn that? Why would I take a class in something I already know how to do?

Prof: Don't talk back! Now sit down and shut up before I kick you out!

Haggis: Yes sir...

<<CookedHaggis sits down at his seat with his papers, sinking low to perhaps be less noticed, his face tensing in troubled thoughts.

And Haggis actually thought you were suppose to learn stuff in college. Ha! Good thing he did not take up programming! Signing off then...>>

(NSP: You might want to check out that internet archive thing.)

*In the campus' recreation complex, Gebohq is busting out his moves in preparation for the hero contest, which is fast approaching. The room is filled with other nervous would-be heroes, curious onlookers, and those judging the event.*

Gebohq: (huffing) "So then I hit him with one of these..."

*Geb clocks a nearby punching bag.*

Gebohq: "...And then when he goes to recover, I'll smack him upside the head, like this..."

*Geb smacks the punching bag upside the head.*

Gebohq: "...And after he falls down, I'll offer to help him up. If he accepts, I say, 'You're welcome...jerk!' and then beat him in the head with this two-by-four."

*Sarn and JediKirby blink.*

Gebohq: "Well, what do you think of my hero routine? Pretty good, eh?"

Sarn: "Geb, there's more to being a hero than violence and witty comments -"

Gebohq: "I know, but don't worry - I've had plenty of time to practise getting the girl and basking in glory."

Sarn: "Geb, I'm not quite sure how to put this to you, but I don't think you're ready for this competition."

Gebohq: "Oh?"

Sarn: "Lately, whenever I discuss the material from class with you, I've been feeling that you're just not getting it."

Gebohq: "Sometimes I fall asleep during the lectures. But it's okay, I watch McGuyver."

Sarn: "This isn't about punching out the villian. It's a practical examination of heroic technique - look around you, Geb. Do you see anyone else packing a block of wood?"

*Geb takes in the scene around him. In one corner, several students are quizzing one another on negotiation tactics. In another, students run final checks over high-tech gear. Amidst all this, some students sit cross legged, rapt in meditation.*

JediKirby: "Cripes! He's right!"

Gebohq: "...I...what'll I do? I don't know anything about being a hero! I'll be the laughingstock of the campus for sure!"

Sarn: "Don't worry, old friend. There's still time to cover the basics..."

*Sarn pulls out a copy of 'The Hero's Handbook" and passes it to a crestfallen Geb.*

Sarn: "And with a little ingenuity, you'll be able to pull through. I know it."

Gebohq: (grins)) "I knew I could count on you. Let's cram."

Dean Stockwell: (through bullhorn) "Contestants, take your marks! I say again, take your marks!"

Gebohq: "Crap."

*Cue the Rocky theme as Geb stoically marches to the starting line, prepared to meet his destiny with all the courage and raw strength he can muster. Time seems to slow down as the contestants assemble, waiting for the signal to begin. Dean Stockwell points his pistol at the sky, and fires.*

------------------
******.

*In what is very likely the situation's first ever recorded occurance, Geb 'Gebs' it.*

Dean Stockwell: "It is my pleasure to present this year's winner of the Never-ending University Annual Heroics Contest with this gold medal. Congradulations, young man!"

Enchilida Man: "Heeey, it is my pleasure to be here, old man!"

*The Enchilida Man flashes his winning smile to the cheering audience as Dean Stockwell drapes a medallion over his shoulders. From the sidelines, Sarn and Kirby help a battered Geb to his feet.*

Gebohq: "I guess the two-by-four wasn't such a great idea after all..."

Sarn: "Well, now you know why nobody else tried to pull that trick."

JediKirby: "Don't be so down on yourself, Gebby. What do you say to drinks on me at the local pub?"

Gebohq: "No thanks...I've got to start studying if I ever hope to graduate. No more wild parties for me."

JediKirby: "What about you, Sarn? Care to dance the night away with the ladies?"

Sarn: "Uh, no thanks. I'll walk Geb home."

JediKirby: "Then what will I do this evening? I can't party without you guys!"

Sarn: "...You could study. You know, for your courses."

*Sarn and Gebohq head for the rec. complex's exit.*

JediKirby: "I don't have any courses. I don't even know why I'm here."

*Suddenly, a black fighter jet smashes through the complex's wall and tears it's way across the floor. Screaming students dive out of the jet's way as it embeds itself in the podium, tragically crushing Enchilida Man! Before the smoke can clear, the jet's hatch hisses open and The Last True Evil leaps out, primed for action.*

The Last True Evil: "Finally! My plan to travel back in time and kill Gebohq, who has defeated me time and again in the future, has succeeded! I dance a jig upon your corpse!"

English Professor: "Actually, if the events you just described have yet to occur, your usage of the word 'finally' would be incorrect."

TLTE: "Silence!"

*TLTE whips out a pistol and blows the professor away.*

TLTE: "Now, to return to my native timeline and wreak uninterrupted havoc..."

Dean Stockwell: "Hold it right there, pal. Just who do you think you are, flying around in your fancy jetplane and crushing that Spanish boy? Because believe you me, there is going to be an accounting for all of this, or my name isn't Dean Stockwell!"

TLTE: "Wait...what do you mean, Spanish? Gebohq is caucasian..."

*Seizing the moment, TLTE grabs the Dean and brandishes his pistol.*

TLTE: "I am going to ask you a series of questions, which you will answer in as simple and forthright a manner as possible. Question number one -"

Gebohq: "Put him down, you criminal, or I'll put you down."

TLTE: "Aha. Ahaha. So there you are, Gebohq. Quite a humorous statement, considering that I weild a loaded firearm and you a broken piece of wood."

Gebohq: "I heard what you said. If I defeated you before, I can do it again. Now. In the past."

TLTE: "But that's the beauty of this latest plan...or should I say, my earliest plan? Bwahahaha!"

*TLTE gives a maniacal laugh as he releases Dean Stockwell and points the gun at Geb.*

TLTE: "You see, my dear Gebohq, in the future, you have proven to be the greatest impediment to my various schemes. I always reach the brink of success, only to be stopped by you and your NeS cohorts."

*Slowly, Geb advances towards the remains of the podium.*

TLTE: "But not this time. Although I over-estimated your tenacity as a hero (indicates the crushed podium) I came prepared for any contingency, any eventuality. Including the off-chance that you might escape my initial assault."

*Geb stands poised, meters from the foot of the podium.*

TLTE: "So goodbye, Gebohq. Without your compatriots, there truly is noone to save you now."

*Time slows to a crawl. TLTE squeezes the trigger, kinetic energy running from his finger to the trigger and through the action. Ever so sluggishly, the hammer snaps backwards. In the same instant, Gebohq, arm upraised, flicks his wrist, launching his single projectile on its trajectory. Time speeds up.*

JediKirby: "Noooooo!"

*Even more suddenly than before, the wall to the podium's rear is utterly demolished, the portruding bow of a Viking Longship batting aside the heavy concrete. The ship skids into the wrecked podium, crushing Dean Stockwell, TLTE's jet and TLTE.*

Viking Captian: "For sooth, we have reached our destination!"

Viking Sage: "Did not I say that the winds would blow true?"

Drunken Viking: "Land ho!"

*The perpetually Drunken Viking falls off the ship. Geb's block of wood bounces uselessly against the hull.*

------------------
******.

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited April 21, 2003).]

(NSP: I just tried, Tracer, and unless my searching skills are not good enough to find it, which it may well be, it would seem that it didn't save anything from the Massassi forums before October of 1999

And do I smell a plothole? Enchilada Man crushed in the past, the Viking ship seeming to diverge from the Statue of Liberty so quickly, about THREE occurances of songs and such that came out like, only a year or 2 ago... )

seeing as how Galrek didn't come into existance for a great number of years to come, yes! definate plot hole. I'll post later this afternoon when I have time...now to go learn things...*shudders*

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

No no, see, technically it's okay for Enchilada Man to get killed, because TLTE's actions occurred apart from the regular NeS time continuum. It's not a plothole, it's just a case of TLTE mucking with time-travel (again ). As for the Vikings, well, I decided to skip their exciting and perilous voyage from New York and get straight to my point.

No plotholes, just standard oddness. But now we can have a special side adventure about Enchilada Man's return.

And what songs are you talking about? I'm confused.

------------------
******.

(NSP: Not in your post, Tracer, but in some past ones from Ford and Highemperor and such. I mostly brought it up in hopes os sparking ideas for people who might need it, since I wasn't quite sure where to go at this point. Enchilada's Man return ain't a bad one, hmmm... if only I could think right now )

No one's as interested with the NeS pages as I am, are they? There are still a bunch of pages to be taken by everyone. A matter of a fact, everyone choose a page, and it's yours. This might be a good backtracking kind of thing. I'll fix this list when people start taking pages.

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42-Kirby

While Supplies Last

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP

<<The Professor places an LP onto a record player and is about to place the needle on the disc>>

Prof: Obviously the use of vinyl rather than so called "compact discs" is self evident...

*The class laughs. Except for CookedHaggis, who looks around in surprise and confusion*

CookedHaggis: Um..........ahahaha...

*Of course, by the time he actually laughs, everyone else has stopped, so his laughter cuts through the post-hilarity silence, causing everyone to turn around and look at him*

CookedHaggis: Uh...very amusing...umm...

Prof: Quite.

*The professor places the needle on the disc, and after the intial mild scratching noise, that classical music bit from 2001: A Space Odyssey starts playing*

Prof: Ah, Strauss, someone I assume you are all familiar with. Remember, a waiter is a pupil of the fine arts, and should always be on hand to identify and suggest to any prospective client. You, Hagrid, what is this piece?

Haggis: It's Haggis sir.

Prof: No you fool, it isn't.

Haggis: My name sir.

Prof: A waiter has no use of names; "sir" and "madam" are quite sufficient in all cases. Now, identify this, which is I might add, one of Strauss's most famous pieces...

Haggis: Er...that one from 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Prof: *sigh* I think you should come and see me after class...

------------------

(NSP: *in response to jk's post*

Shwa? Time-sharing? What is this?

*is horribly confused*)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 22, 2003).]

(I think he's talking about the cliffnotes...he's offering to cover page 42)



------------------
******.

(NSP: Well if that's the case, I can use all the help I can get. I've already done 1 and 2, and covering the TACC sidestory and pages 35-40 would be easy enough, as a lot of it was already done in an e-mail beforehand. But yeah--just e-mail anything to neswriters@hotmail.com and I'll compile it. Otherwise, I'll continue to slowly cover it chronologically.)

First, there was light. Then an EMP went off, and there was darkness. Out of this darkness came the 'new/old character queue.' This is a place for new characters who wish for participation, and old characters with irresponsible writers who dissapear for as much as a year. Inside this queue, a form appears. It solidifies a little, then fades out, then solidifies, like a transporter accident waiting to happen. Finally, the solidification (say that five times fast) is complete, and TheTwistedSpasm is in the queue.

Spasm: Well, that was fun! One minute, your in the middle of the story, then, it's blackness! Hm, what is this place?

R.A.M.: *shouting* Hey, where's the stoty?!

Spasm: Shut up, you twit! The events of my existance are far more important than any stupid story!

*Little does Spasm know that the more he expresses such views, the smaller his chances of actually re-entering the story become.*

Spasm: Er, um, I'm sorry R.A.M., you're right, the story is more important. If it's all right with you, we'll just cue a fade, and then cut back to the story. Sound good?

R.A.M.: *sort of apologetic* Yeah, eh, ok.

Well, this is a unique twist! One of the most useless characters has returned! Will this create plot holes, or will all go well? Will people actually read this? And why, after the absence of a narrator for many posts, has one returned? Doh!

(NSP: Perhaps a few of you will remember me. I'm the obnoxious rat who appeared and dissapeared not once, but twice! So, I'm back again, and sadly, I have almost no idea what's going on. Perhaps someone could tell me where I'm most useful, and in the meantime, I'll attempt to bring myself up to speed(I've been AWOL from Massassi in general for a few months, so I REALLY am lost here)?)

Does anyone read my posts? I scatered the pages all across the floor and they could be in the hands of anyone. The NeS story is LOST! That's right, our existence is in the hands of our existence. So choose a page! Who wants to have the page where JK first comes in? Or the crazy Matress incident...? You can own your own page today! (Read my post if it REALLY doesn't get through to you now)

JediKirby

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP

(NSP: Ummm... help? From what I understand, the combination of jEDIkIRBY's concept and Highemperor's latest post has created what is potentially the largest, paradoxical, epic theme yet. One which I'm finding hard to work without practically disregarding it, and I've managed to organize most of TEW and the series in development... Just letting you all in on my position of utter lostitude. Hehe, lostitude...

Still, maybe I'll be able to work with it yet, or perhaps someone else will find a way. Until then though--)

--------------------------------------------
Random NeSU student #42
PHIL 333 SECTION 1010
HW #5 - The Nature of Big Stuff

What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything? This never-ending search has plagued humanity for all of history, since the beginning of Creation. Since I spent the last week playing video games, I do not have the time or energy to pretend I know what I am talking about. Instead, I say this:

The answer is over-rated. The search is what really matters. If you hope it's good, love the good, have faith it is good, then it is good. The rest is out of your hands, so to worry over it would be impractical.

At least I keep telling myself that everytime I have to answer one of these papers...
--------------------------------------------

What the-- How'd this get in NeS? To hell with your clumsiness, jEDIkIRBY!

(NSP: And welcome back, Spasm. You're most useful pretty much anywhere as of right now. Hopefully you'll ACTUALLY return...)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 25, 2003).]

*...Geb's block of wood bounces uselessly against the hull. There is a moment of utter silence, and then distant footsteps sound. TheTwistedSpasm enters through an unobtrusive side door. Clad not in his garish, obnoxious 70s era clothing, he wears a striking black suit, and has a determined look in his deep, wonderful, perfectly hazel- er, narrowed eyes.

Spasm: Everybody down! *brandishes a two-tonw Heckler and Koch USP .45 caliber pistol*

Everybody: Ok! *they all drop*

Spasm: I'm an agent with the S.S.T.T.A. *flashes snazzy badge*, and I'm here to repair some damage to the speakered timeline.

R.A.M.: SSTTA?

Spasm: Super-Secret-Time-Travel-Agency, you twit. Now shut up!

R.A.M.: hmph.

Drunken Viking: Who be thee?

Spasm: *eyes the Vikings suspiciously* just how shelved up is this?

JediKirby: I honestly don't know for sure.

Spasm: Uh-huh. And your role in all this is?

JediKirby: I've been saying this all day! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

Spasm: *does funky eyebrow thing* Obviously. Wait, why the banana do I hear the Rocky theme?

JediKirby: I DON'T KNOW!!!

Sem: It's the universal theme of underdogs.

Spasm: Ok. *finally holsters his sidearm* So, I'm guessing I'm a little late?

(NSP: Just for the record, my character is cynical, pessimistic, egotistical, and grossly over-confident(I refuse to respond to those questioning how those traits really go together). He also has a bad sense of humor, likes to call people twits, AND uses unlikely words in place of curses. Just so everybody knows.)

(NSP:Hi there! im amy and im filling in for Ford. Ford is a lazy ******* and keeps saying hes dry on ideas. i think hes a lazy *******. but thats besides the point. read on!)

*in the Writers Realm*

AmyGreentheWriter: ugh*streatch*...oi...too much tequila...i should cut back, seing as how they dont pay me around here.... hey wazzis?

*AtW picks up a letter that was shoved under her door. opening it she finds there are 6 $100 bills and a short letter. it reads:...*



*the signiature is very fancy with lots of swirls and flourishes. it looks like he spent more time on that than the letter itself, leading amy to believe that he spends most of his days practicing his signiature.*

AtW: Awesome! time to get some Tequila!

*36 hours later*

AtW:...*moan*...oi...

*just then AntetheWriter bursts in*

AntetW: hey whats going on here? well, its pretty obvious that your lying anked on the floor surrounded by four...fif..sixteen bottles of Jose Cuervo. SIXTEEN! jesus! you must have the constituion of a whale!

AtW: im irish.

AntetW: well that explains that. but that doesnt explain where you got the money for all of this.

*AtW feebly points to the letter. AntetW stares at it in disbelief*

AntetW: this is an outrage! Gebs never put me as full staff memeber! this is a sexist operation. im going to storm into his office right now!

*antetw storms off*

AtW: that reminds me, i should write that post...

*amy sits down and starts to write: Meanwhile, elsewhere...*

Ante: so then i said to him, next time dont leave the chicken in the rain!

*Ante, Amy and Katiana are sitting in a lounge at the NeSU Student Union. at antes last word everyone bursts out laughing. just then, one of the professors walks up to them.*

Fanfare: TROJAN MAAAAAN!

Professer Man: hi there kids. sounds like youre having problems in the bedroom.

Ante, Amy and Kat: Uh...not really.

PM: i bet you could use one of these! Trojans new Bubber Rubbers! its revolutionary bubble wrap design gives the man maximum protection for his fragile member, while still pleaseing her.


A,A&K: *gape*...

PM: You kids have fun, and remember ot play it safe.

Fanfare: TROJAN MAAAAN!

*Professer Trojan man walks away followed by a boombox with legs.*

Amy: did we just get a sales pitch for bubble wrap from a disembodied arm?

Kat: ...

Ante: ...

Amy: kay. just checking.

[This message has been edited by IS_ford1342 (edited April 26, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by IS_ford1342 (edited April 26, 2003).]

still clueless as to what he wanted to do, Galrek stumbled into the Auditorium where the awards ceremony was being held, intending to just settle down and do nothing useful or meaningful for the next few minutes. but this simple intent, was once again profound and eventful. for as he walked in, his foot hit a small chunk of rock, causing him to stumble and pitch forward, hurling the SUDTGB across the room and into the small of Gebohq's back. standing up, Galrek walked over to pick it up, and came face to face with a strange fellow with a dark suit on.
Spasm:"who are you?"
Galrek:"I'm me! who are you?"

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

*Just then, as everyone is standing in confused silence, a violent and mysterious gust of wind blows a bunch of pages into the room. Forty-Two of them, to be exact.*

Geb: "Gee, somebody's messy around here."

JediKirby: "The lost pages of NeS! We're not doomed after all!"

Krig: "White birdies! Krig eat!"

*The grammatically challenged Viking leaps from the grounded Norse sailing ship, and grabs a paper out of the air. He eats it with relish. And by relish, I mean he enjoyed it, not that he put hot dog relish on it. This of course causes JediKirby some consternation.*

JediKirby: "Aaaah! Don't eat that! You'll kill us all!"

*Krig chases after the papers fluttering around in the air, and continues to catch and eat them. JediKirby begins chasing Krig, trying to get him to stop. Geb and Sarn stand by, trying to figure out what's going on.*

Geb: "Ok, so that guy who was in the jet is an enemy of mine from the future, and he plans to stop me from winning this competition because he's jealous of me?"

Sarn: "No, you already lost the competition, and I think he plans to kill you to stop your future self from existing and foiling his evil plans."

Geb: "But wouldn't that create a time-paradox that would annihilate the universe as we know it?"

Sarn: "Hey, I didn't say it was a good plan..."

Geb: "Ok, and who's the guy in the suit?"

Sarn: "Weren't you listening? He's a Time Cop, come to stop that guy from the future from destroying history's continuity!"

Geb: "Ok, ok, I think I can buy that. But why is there a ship full of Vikings protruding from that wall over there? And why is one of them trying to eat those pieces of paper floating around?"

Sarn: "Yes, that does seem a bit unusual..."

*Just then, Krig closes in on the last piece of paper floating around, and grabs it. He brings it towards his mouth, about to devour it. From underneath the Viking ship, a rather crushed TLTE calls out panickedly.*

TLTE: "No! Not that page! That's Page 42! That's the page we're on now! You'll destroy us all!"

*The short and hairy Viking, not paying attention to TLTE, chomps down on the paper and chews it up, and swallows it. There is silence from the onlookers.*

Spasm: "Well, this is not very desking good."

*With a monumentous roar, there is a blinding white flash, and the entire universe dissapears. Everything is destroyed. This causes some consternation amidst our heroes, who weren't expecting that. After the explosion clears, the people who had been standing in the recreational facilities of the NeSU now find themselves standing in a swirling mass of light of all different colours, like the inside of a rainbow. A really strange, swirling, dizzying rainbow of doom. Geb, Sarn, JediKirby, TLTE, Spasm, Galrek, Dr. Dor, and Krig and his fellow Viking brothers are all there, as well as anybody I've forgotten. A flock of rubber duckies flies gracefully overhead.*

Geb: "Um... Are we dead?"

Sarn: "I would have thought being dead would be different from this..."

Enchilada Man: "This is not death -- this is what the inside of a plot hole looks like!"

Geb: "Enchilada Man! I thought you were dead!"

Enchilada Man: "Yes, I was. But I was killed before I even appeared in this story for the first time. So I wound up here. How did you amigos get here?"

Geb: "That little Viking over there destroyed the universe."

Enchilada Man: "During a flashback scene, right? Before NeS even began? Yeah, that'd do it, alright."

*Just then, a mysterious figure approaches the rather confused group of heroes-in-training and others. It emits a sinister laugh, which is suspiciously high-pitched and squeaky.*

Sinister Figure: "Ahahahaha! At long last, I have defeated you, oh Gebohq and Friends, Defenders of the NeS! Your precious 'Never-ending Story' has finally met its match! It has come to an end, finally, at long last, etc! Ahahahahaha!"

Geb: "Who are you?"

Sinister Figure: "Why Geb -- don't you recognise me? I am insulted! Behold, your conquerer!"

*The Sinister Figure steps forward, revealing -- Pyotr Hussien! But wait, it's not Pyotr Hussien at all! It's--*

Pyotr: "Yes, it is I, your arch-nemesis, Bill Gates! I have returned at long last! Ahahahahaha!"

Geb: "Bill who?"

Pyotr: "Gates! Bill Gates! Richest man in the world? Plans on taking over the world?"

Geb: "Doesn't ring a bell."

Pyotr: "Bill Gates! Perhaps you know me better as Pyotr Hussien? Your fellow student? Arch-nemesis?"

Geb: "I have an arch nemesis?"

Pyotr: "Yes! Don't you remember?"

Geb: "Umm... Sorry, no."

*At this point, Pyotr/Bill goes into a sort of rage and says all sorts of nasty things that we're not allowed to reproduce here, but suffice it to say you would be shocked to hear even Tony Soprano on HBO's The Sopranos saying things like this. After a while he calms down and regains his composure.*

Bill Gates: "No matter. All you need to know is -- I am the EeP! The Ever-ending Plot! I have destroyed you all!"

Geb: "Ever-ending Plot? Why does that sound familiar?"

Sarn: "Wait, how does that work? Wouldn't something that's eternally ending never actually come to an end? It'd just keep going and going, like when you're trying to say goodbye to someone you don't like, and they keep talking, and you keep trying to get away, but they won't let you, and it keeps going and not ending..."

Bill Gates: "Silence! You will not bother me with your 'logic'! I no longer have need for that! I am the Eep!"

Egad! This is certainly a new twist! With our Heroes trapped inside of a plot-hole, and the Universe destroyed, how will things ever return to normal? Surely they have to at some point, right? Will our Heroes defeat the Eep, Bill Gates, and save NeS from ending? Will Krig continue to eat random things? If the Universe gets destroyed during a flashback, what happens to the people *having* the flashback? And how exactly does Highemperor fit into all this? Find out some of these things and probably less, next time on NeS: An Irresistible Force meets an Immovable Object!

(OOC: Sorry if this veers off dramatically from what ya had planned, JedKirb, but hey, that's the nature of NeS, as Geb will tell you if you let him. Long live NeS!)

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

MZZTtH: Carp.

* The Mega-ZZTer the Hero has just said "Carp" because he has been floading through a plot hole for the last ten pages. Why is this? Let's go to MZZTtW and find out... *

A calm beach. MZZTtW is wearing a swimsuit, wearing sunglasses, and sitting in a beach chair, reading New Ideas from Dead Economists and sipping lemonade

* beep beep *

MZZTtW: *reads* ...

* BEEP BEEP *

MZZTtW: *grimises, still reads* ...

* BEEP BEEP *

MZZTtW: *sighs, picks up his cell phone from his bag* Hello, you've reached Joe's Pizza. What'dya want?

GebtW: MZZT! Why haven't you posted anything?

MZZTtW: *Throws down his book and sits up straight* Oh! Geb, uh...

GebtW: I'm gonna fire you if you don't turn in something by tomarrow.

MZZTtW: Um... Well.. *starts crying* Geb! I'm working another job now, my wife and kids are threatening to leave me, it's just horrible...

GebtW: Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was that way...

MZZTtW: *crying still* The cable company even cut off my T1 connection and cable service!

* Seagull cries overhead *

GebtW: What was that?

MZZTtW: Uh... that was my youngest daughter. She's... uh.. 11 months old now.

GebtW: I thought you said a week ago you only had 3 sons?

MZZTtW: Ah... you must've dialed the wrong number then... well... anyways...

* A helicopter flies overhead *

GebtW: *sigh* Now what could that be?

MZZTtW: *nervously* What's what? Oh! I heard some static, that's all. Bad reception. My phone company is threatening to cut my service off, by the way.

GebtW: Well... take care of yourself, ok?

MZZTtW: Yeah, you too. Bye. *hangs up and stretches out in the sun, wondering how his $1,000,000 worth of stocks are doing.*

Hey! You there! Wake up!

MZZTtW: *starts* Gah! I'm awake God! What!

I'm not God

MZZTtW: *pulls a Stun Baton from his bag* Then where are you!?

Nowhere

MZZTtW: Then you're God.

NO

MZZTtW: Alright.. if you say so... God...

That's better... wait.. oh, never mind. Just know this: I am your conscience, and you must write a post for NeS.

MZZTtW: Why G... Conscience?

MZZTtH is getting impacient. Do you know where you left him?

MZZTtW: Ermm.. in a ...

plot...

MZZTtW: hole!

YES!

MZZTtW: Where again?

*shakes his invisible head, and leaves*

MZZTtW: Oh well *Brings out his laptop from his bag, and begins to type*. I gotta remember to get a bigger bag...

-=< IN THE REALM OF THE HEROES... OR PLOT HOLES... OR SOMETHING >=-

MZZTtH: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh *THWUMP*

Krig: Ow! Funny little Jedi man fall on Krig!

MZZTtH: ugg.. fuzzwup...

GebtH: Huh?

MZZTtH: Graaa... Someone get me an asprin...

Wow! What an exciting turn of events! What will happen next? Why did MZZTtH fall on Krig and not on Bill Gates? Why can't The Mega-ZZTer think of anything for me to say right now?!?! WELL TOO BAD!!! YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FIND OUT HAHAHA (Well, at least those last 2...)

Spasm is utterly confused, but that doesn't stop him from trying to be a hero. He pulls out his two-tone Heckler and Koch USP .45 caliber pistol. He resolutely aims it at Bill Gates.

Spasm: We never met, but I've read about you. Suck THIS, you booking ductape!

JediKirby: NOOOOOOOO!

Spasm: What? Are you a twit?

JediKirby: No, I just like saying no. NOOOOOOOO! *runs into the blackness, screaming*

MZZTH: Huh. That's a convenient way to leave. *Yells* Bring back asprin!

*Spasm pulls the trigger*

Sem: Oh crap.

Bill Gates laughs. JediKirby reappears in the exact center of the plothole, taking a step forward. The bullet apears in the exact center of the plothole. JediKirby gets shot in his arse.

JediKirby: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

MZZTH: What, no apsrin?

Spasm: *shakes the pistol* I don't understand! I cleaned it yesterday... or was it years from now? oh keys.

Sem: You idiot. It's a plot hole. Nothing can leave the plothole.

JediKirby: *moans* oh shot, eh, ****. OUCH! *reaches back to feel the wound* WTF? Where's the hole in my butt?

Sem: That's another thing. Nothing ever makes sense in a plothole.

Bill: EXCUSE ME??? Does no one ever pay attention to villians anymore?

Spasm: Of all the microwaving...

meanwhile, in the writer's realm...

SpasmTW sits in a dark room, with only a computer, a refrigerator, a convection oven, and a lot of pop and frozen pizza to keep him company. He types madly on his computer, face beaded with perspiration. The lock on the door clicks, and GebTW storms in, looking quite miffed.

GebTW: Well?

SpasmTW: I'll have it finished in five minutes.

GebTW: *relaxes a little* Ok. I guess I'll go get you some more pizza then.

SpasmTW: Cool. *sighs with relief*

This is SpasmTW. I'm sneaking this into the story because Geb never proof-reads anything anymore. Anyway, I have just one thing to say: GET ME OUT OF HERE! Thank you.

(NSP: Erm, I REALLY am capable of higher-quality material than this, but recent events have me a bit confused. I could have sworn Bill Gates met an untimely end already? Although, I suppose that doesn't matter if he's the EEP, is that it?)

Taking advantage of the situation at hand, RoadMaster the Writer wakes up and realizes that the Character(tm) Roadmaster is dead. That's gotta stink. Now, in the 80's, RM was 6. hmm... or would it be the present because that was a flashback, or would it be TLTE's time period? Ugh! so confusing...
Whatever.

Inside the plot hole, RM stands up. All the joints in his weak body creak and pop.

RM: Jeeze, I've been here for years or whatnot... I don't know.

Just then, he realizes that in the distance, finally, there is company. All the NES people are there. RM wonders if they can take him away from this horrid place. He runs towards them...

RM: Hey guys! It's me! the guy from page 39! I'm here!

Geb: Wha-

jEDIkIRBY: My arse! who is that guy? He looks like he's been here for 3 pages- er I mean, yeah.

Just then, TLTE realizes RM's presence and shoots him in the head.

TLTE: Ha! stupid plot hole dwellers! think they're all special or something. I sure showed that unarmed naked person whose boss.

RM: hehehe... I can't die here. The bullets don't exist really--

jEDIkIRBY: Oh, right. Then why does my a--

RM: As I was saying, the reason why I'm naked is becuase I tried to kill myself over and over, and the clothes just ripped to shards. I think. I don't remember.

-----------------------------------
ok... I'm back... I suppose.



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Instant Message me on AIM: roadmaster103

*Antestarr floated above the rest of the characters, garbed in a prophets hooded robes. His legs were crossed and his hands held as if meditating.*

Ante: And lo, I say to thee, the absence of boundary has enlightened me. Though darkness has shadowed our world as a comet and a fleet of imperial cruisers... though a threat of y2k was found to be bullspit... though pizza could not be safely delivered... the spirit lived on. A chicken bone must have been captured. Jobs needed be secured. Tides of clowns and mimes were dashed upon the rocky shores of Yemen. Yet, one must ask: where did it begin. To say that it began in the arena with Ares is folley, for while that was the first record, it is known in this space that it is not the beginning.

However, the beginning is lost. It cannot be determined. Therefore, in this space, it does not exist. How then, Mr. Gates, could an end exist without a beginning?

EeP: Um... er... it... uh... just does!

Ante: Nay. I see clearly in the light of this existence. The Neverending Story is none other than the great ring. One with no beginnning and no end. Yet no repetition, as it continues to grow as I speak to you. Such that is "plot hole" is simply a chord along the ring. Though the ring may be distorted at times, it remains whole. On occasion it may join with the ring of writers, which may influence its bends and shapings. But on the whole it grows. And all that does not fit into the ring is within it, along those chords.

We are at the center. The convergence of "plot."

*The others stared around at one another, unsure of what this could mean. Amongst them, a large wooly mammoth fell atop Bill Gates.*

Ante: It seems this space is filled with all that should not be within our world. Yet all hinges on the stomach of one man. A man named Krig.

*Krig looked up, unsure as to why he was so important to this process.*

Ante: Think, Krig... use your vivid imagination to create a man. A man named Al Gore, who selfishly believes he created an electronic supernetwork of information known as "the internet." For it is in this space of nothing and everything in which lies a second transcript of our very lives...

------------------
"Ken wa kyouki. Kenjutsu wa satsujinjutsu. Donna kireigoto ya o-daimoku o kuchi ni shite mo sore ga shinjitsu."
-Seijuro Hiko

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited April 27, 2003).]

Then suddenly the ground began to shake, not violently, but just enough for people to go "did you feel that?". Then without any warning a hole opened in the ground and from it came a being so evil it could only be referred to as Jim7.

Jim7: wraa!

everyone gasped and stared at this evil creature. Who is he? Where did he come from? These were only a few of the questions people were asking each other.

Jim7: Fear me not mortals for I am only here to get drunk, make music, and breed a new generation of hellspawn.

The people watched the evil being as he pulled from the hole a guitar, a bottle of vodka, and a mysteroius looking bag. Then, one of them spoke.

RM: Wait! ... Who are you?

Jim7: I am the most evil being in the universe.

random person form crowd: Bill Gates?

Jim7: NO! I am Lucifer, prince of darkness, lord of all that is unholy, the dark lord of satanic urinals, and i am here to have fun.

Jim7 then walks away into the shadows...

THE END... of my post

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

The characters stand around, looking massively confused by this turn of events. Spasm turns, and attempts whispering quietly to Geboq.

Spasm: Who was that? And what the macaroni was that floatey guy talking about?

*Geb rubs his ear, throwing the agent an irritated look*

Geboq: Stop that, it tickles. I dunno, something about a ring. Maybe he's-

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Geb never gets to finish his thought. Out of the twisting, swirling sky of a plothole falls...another Character(TM)! It lands in a heap on the ground with a loud THUMP, and closer inspection shows it to be a rather slopily dressed female, slowly beginning to wake up and, apparently, not at all happy with the turn of events.

New Character(TM): Ungh...

*she slowly stands, clutching her head, and looks around a bit bewilderedly*

NC: Great. Just my luck. I finally get into the story, only to land in a plothole. With Bill Gates. And...you all.

Who is this New Character(TM), spawned of a plothole? Why is she here? How will the other heroes react? Will anyone ever understand Ante? And will they ever get out of the plothole? This, and more, in the next episode of Never! Ending! Story!

(NSP: Erm, I hope this is okay. If not, I'm sure everyone will just ignore it. I've been wanting to join NeS for a while, and this seemed the perfect time to post...so I did. Again, I hope this is ok, and doesn't screw anyone up too much. Please don't eat me!)

[Edit- Arg, Jim beat me. Had to try to fix it up a bit to fit.]

[This message has been edited by doomofglitter (edited April 27, 2003).]

Meanwhile, in a prison cell just down the road..from the plothole...yeah, that makes no sense...anyway.. Ford and Maeve are slowly waking up.

Ford: ugh, what happened?

Maeve: I have no idea, where are we?

They both stand up and look around

Ford: metal cot, check; tiny sink, check; bucket of wee, check; bars, check...

Maeve: we appear to be in a cell

Ford: that would seem to be the case

Maeve: right, so I guess that means the party got somewhat out of hand

Ford: I guess so, now, shall we get out of here?

A guard suddenly appears at the bars of the cell

Maeve: *jumping back* woah! um, hi. can we go possibly? *bats her eyelashes at the guard*

Guard: all in good time, all in good time

Maeve and Ford look at eachother, not liking the sinister tone in the Guard's voice

Ford: um, why exactly are we here?

Guard: disturbance of the peace. you were both caught breaking into a candy store at 2am

Maeve: a candy store?

Guard: yes, you were having a tootsie-roll fight when you set off a motion sensor behind the counter

Ford: riiiight.

Maeve: anyway, so what do we have to do to get out of here?

Guard: funny you should ask that, I have important jobs for both of you. You first *pointing at Ford*

Ford: um...

the guard opens the cell door, and motions for Ford to come out. the two prisoners look at eachother, then Ford drops his head and follows

Maeve: right. this is...worrying

two hours later, the guard returns with Ford, and pushes him back into the cell. Maeve, who had been napping, awakes with a start and rushes over to Ford

Maeve: are you ok? what did they do to you?

Ford stares blankly over Maeve's left shoulder

Maeve: ok, this cannot be good

Ford: I... uh... I...

Maeve: what???

Ford moves over to the metal cot and sits down

Ford: I've seen it all

Maeve: all what?

Ford: NeS

Maeve: NeS? what's that?

Ford: The Never-ending Story

Maeve: ok, you've lost me

Ford: you're a part of it now, from the moment we met, you were entwined in the tale-

Maeve: um, I don't know what it is that they've given you, but I'm just a uni student, I have no idea what you're blathering on about

Ford: ug, shut up woman! I'm trying to explain. NeS is bigger than you, bigger than me, bigger than anything you know. it is controlled by 'The Writers' although in recent pages-

Maeve: pages?

Ford glares at Maeve, causing her to shut up instantly

Ford: *sigh* time as we know it is irrelevant in NeS, the only way to follow it is by page. currently we are on page 42, but the very fabric, or rather, paper, of NeS has been torn apart by one rather silly Viking. by eating the pages of NeS, he has banished everyone important to the story into a massive plot hole, and only some incredible logic - which is not going to happen - has any chance of getting them out.

Maeve: ok, hang on, hang on. if we're part of this 'NeS', why aren't we in the 'plot hole'?

Ford: presumably because we weren't at the scene of it's origin, I'm not sure. but whatever the case, any worrying is futile, I've seen what's going to happen, and it's not good. not for any of us.

Maeve: so...?

suddenly the guard reappears, and drags Maeve out of the cell

------------------
The Maeve is everywhere.
She is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Unfortunately, no-one can be told what the Maeve is, you have to see her for yourself.

*back at the plot hole*

With the arrival of Jim7 and New Character(TM) Geb decides to introduce himself. His first stop is Jim7 who just finished setting up a tent that was inside the mysterious bag.

Geb: Hello.

Jim7: wraa!

Jim7 picks up his guitar and begins playing.

Geb: yelling over the sound of Jim's guitar I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO THE NES I'M GE...

Jim7 interrupts Geb

Jim7: I know who you are silly mortal.. GO AWAY!!!

Geb starts wo walk away when Jim7 says something

Jim7: To get out of this mess look to the one who started it all.

Geb: WTF?

Jim7: STEEFU!

Geb stands there looking confused.

Jim7: OUT OF MY TENT!

Geb walks away.

Geb: *whispering* what a psycho

Will Geb ever figure out what Jim7 meant? Does Jim7 even know? Will everyone get out of this plot hole? What will maeve learn? Is Ford a guy or a girl? Find out in the next eciting episode of THE NEVERENDING STORY!!!!!

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

Alone somewhere in a land of drunkeness

Rob: Where the heck am I?
Rob: Hey! I see something shiny!

Rob: follows the shiny into a dark room with no windows... The door slams shut and he is trasported to Jim7's tent.

------------------
French the language of love?
I suppose nothing says "I love you" like "wee wee".............

And such...

Rob: How exactly did you do that?

Jim7 grins malevolently, holding an orb of swirling light. There is a worn inscription on it's bilateral axis. Rob squints to read it, when RM suddenly dashes into the room and steals Rob's pants.

Whoa - betcha didn't see that one coming, did you?

And for copyright info - that's taken right from Angel on the WB... not that anyone would care... well, maybe the WB people, but we all know that they don't exist.

Will Rob be able to fight Jim7 without his pants? Will the pants fit a scitzophrenic maniac? What is the tent made out of? Find out someday on The NEVER ENDING STORY!



[This message has been edited by roadmaster103 (edited April 27, 2003).]

back in the jail cell, Ford continues to stare at the wall. maeve comes back not much later than she left. or at least it seems that way to Ford.

Maeve: hey you *slap* snap out of it. we're leaving.

Ford: *is slapped* ungh?

Maeve: come on its time to party.

Ford: wait what? you've been thought that and you want to go drinking!

Maeve: Well of course i did. what i saw was a cause for celebration! now lets get out of here while the guard is still cradling his crushed anatomy.


oh dear! what did maeve see in the thingy that shows you all of nes? why is she so keen on going to a bar? will the guard ever recover? find out probably none of these questions next time on the Never-ending story!

------------------
may the farce be with you.

Meanwhile, back at the tent of Jim7 a plot forms within the plothole.

Jim7: You are probably wondering why I brought you here.

Rob: Yeah and also why you brought me here.

Jim7 smacks the drunk right out of Rob.

Rob: What did you do that for?

Jim7: I need you thinking straight for what i am about to tell you.

Rob: oh ok...

Jim7: I brought you here because the world of NeS needs you. I cannot act to repair this plothole because it would get in the way of my sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

Rob: You want me to repair the plothole?

Jim7: Don't be foolish I want you to make sure nobody does anything really stupid to sink us deeper into this plothole.

Rob: How do I do that.

Jim7: Use any means you think are necessary.

Rob: Even killing?

Jim7: Only people who are capable of returning fomr the dead...

Suddenly a sound is heard outside the tent.

Jim7: Now go and don't let anyone know of our plans.

Will Jim7's plan work? Will Rob be able to keep stupid things form happening? Will Rob kick Krig in the beanbag for creating this plothole? What kind of sound was it they heard outside of the tent? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Osbournes!!!! ... wait... that's not right....

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

(NSP: You know... it's funny... on a whim I was just flipping through the archives of the story. Classic moments... changes in style and format for writers... people I've known... friends I've had... and those I've lost... and still those who've abandoned me along with those I've abandoned. This thread is more than just a comedy story... for me it is a history... a timeline... it helps me to remember, though some of it may be bittersweet.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this NSP... probably just to reminisce for a bit.... But this thread will be here, and hopefully always be here for me: to help me see where I've been, what I've learned, and what I've become. And to constantly remind me that to all the darkness I may find there will always be a light to counteract it.

Thank you all for staying with it, and for those of you who are new, keep up the work. The funny comes in fits. Hopefully I'll have it with me in the near future. )

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"Ken wa kyouki. Kenjutsu wa satsujinjutsu. Donna kireigoto ya o-daimoku o kuchi ni shite mo sore ga shinjitsu."
-Seijuro Hiko