Sem slowly wanders away from the intersection, muttering about how drugged up he must have been. (Dr.Pepper is NOT a viable caffine scource)
Returning to the vending machine, just as the adrenaline starts to pump wildly from withdrawl, he goes around back and carefully unplugs it. Then he walks into the gas station and "haggles" for a cheap plastic bat, which he proceeds to drive straight into the macine, impaling it, and causing it to emit a powerful burst of soda, like blood gushing from a carbonated blood vessel.
Sem: "ewwww..... diet"
Sem tries again a little to the left of the subsiding diet fountain.
Sem: "EEEEK!!! Pepsi!!!"
Sem is forced to back off until the stream dies compleately, lest he incur severe burns. When it does he tries to the right of the diet hole.
Sem: "ahhh.... coke....."
At this point, though it makes little diffrence to Sem, there is nothing left of the little plasic bat.
Sem reaches in and takes 2 bottles that fell down from just above the broken ones, hooks them into an I.V. and walks with it back to the story board office.

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

*as sem sits down at his storyboard, Maybe walks in*

Maybe: *looking at Sem puzzledly as in her head she hears "Things go better with coca-cola, things go better with coke!"* ... I'm not even gonna ask...
Sem: Good idea.

*Maybe then goes to find Otter to box his ears for the posts he put up while she was gone (all in good fun, mind you)*

------------------
"Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair!" ~Hair

*At the main entrance to the offices in teh Massassi Temple Neverending story writers' section, a well-endowed blond tour guide giuded a group of tourists through the offices.*

Ditzy tour guide: And to your right you can see Semievil *hooked to the IV of Coke*. To your left is Antestarr *trying to shove Morris hte cat away with his foot as he is typing*. Oh look, several empty offices--those silly disgruntled writers. Who knows what building they'll decide to bomb next. Oh look, here comes theOtter, followed by Maybechild *Maybechild chases after theotter with a whiffle bat. Otter looks at the tourgiude, and distracted by her two, er...gifts, trips over a used coke can and falls over onto Gebohq's computer.*

Gebohq: Oh darn, my computer's broken. Guess I can't write anymore...

Editor: *grabbing Geb by hte collar* oh no you don't! You're gonna use a typewriter if you have to.

Geb: Urgh...

Editor: And I'll have to take your stapler too. And don't forget about those GPS reports.

Geb: Not my stapler...I-I-I'm gonna burn down the building. Yeah, he took my stapler. Just they see...

Meanwhile, in whatever MaybeChild suddenly decided to write, The Otter and Geb are back in the Crow's Nest when they hear a commotion outside.

Maybe: Get back here! D*** it, I'll get you, you little glob of...

Otter: Maybe! What are you DOING?!?!? It looks like you're chasing a mushroom!

Maybe: I AM chasing a mushroom! It got out of my jar of kombucha tea and now it's running around wreaking havoc!

Geb: Did you say "kombucha"? What's that?

Maybe: You don't wanna know... HEY!!! *MaybeChild screams in frustration as she watches her gear get soaked in kombucha pee. The kombucha scampers away giggling* That's IT, from now on I'm sticking to Tazo...

------------------
"Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair!" ~Hair

Geb: Did I see...what..I..thought-
Otter: Yeup.
Geb: And they say I'm wierd.

*Gebohq continues to read "Hitchhiker" with a lampshade on his head.*

*Realizing that there wasn't nearly enough havoc in the arena, Raistlin decides that now is the time for his most powerful spells.*

Raistlin: Hmm... now let's see here... comma esta jikara?

*A white rabit appears from his sleeve.*

Raistlin: Dang. Wrong one. Ah! Here we are: sikkar nobos estopolis takahashi!

*The volcano, arena, and everything within it begin to shake violently. A sphere of atmosphere appears around it as the entire area rises from the firm attachment to the earth, flies several thousand miles, and plants itself on the looming comet, still poised to strike earth just as soon as Ares decides to return for more fun.*

*Just then, a letter arrives. The sender is "Pay-per-View(tm)". It somehow lands in the hands of Antestarr.*

Antestarr: Hmm... "Dear participants of the salvation of the world. Ares has sold the control of the looming comet to us. We are using the action to get lots and lots of money. However, our ratings are starting to waver, since it's not quite as 'life-threatening' or 'adventureous'. Please raise the action level a notch, or we will be forced to crash the comet into the planet, destroying it. Thank you and have a nice day." Seems pretty heavy to me.

Raistlin: Well, we'll just see about "life-threatening" and "adventureous".

*Raistlin whispers two more magic spells. The first starts the comet on a crash course, arena first, towards the bridge of the Super-Star-Destroyer. The second brings the constellation Ursus Major down into the arena.*

Raistlin: (yawn) Now I need some sleep.

*He ascends into the announcer's booth, puts on a symphonic CD of tension building music, and doses off to sleep.*

Antestarr: OOO! A Great Bear! Let's go ride it!

*Antestarr proceeds to climb onto the back of the bear. The bear, in reaction to this outright invasion of his personal bubble, starts to run around the arena wildly, smashing into things and occasionally doing flips in the air...*

------------------
~Antestarr
Time for my turn at a shameless plug. Go to ecamp. It's fun, and you can get prizes.

http://myecamp.com/signup/index.php3?up=Antestarr

Good Luck!

Meanwhilst the still Yodafied Sem, still wielding the dog-jaw weapon, which he has now fitted with some cheap plastic beads, is trying to remove the last strands left from the hot-glue gun when a massive claw sets down beside him.
Ursa Major: "reaough!!!"
Sem: "hmm.... pretty claw this is...yes..."
Sem grabs the claw and begins trying to detach it from it's owner.
Sem: "HM! my claw this is now, or I will release you not!"
Ursa Major: "reagh!"
The bear proceeds to walk away, Sem clinging to the front left claw, cursing vhemently.... and backwards.... and the great bear ignoring him.

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited May 12, 2000).]

*If Raistlin had any weaknesses, it was with his physical condition. Not only was being a magic-user draining on his physical side, but he often went into fits of coughs. And with it being spring, Raistlin dreaded his existance all the more. And no matter how many group therapy sessions he went to, he couldn't be convinced that allergies were his friend.*

Raistlin: *Hack-cough-cough*...how can I get any sleep like this?

*To his surprise, an animated NightQuil bottle was dancing by his side, along with some over-the-counter friends.*

dancing Nightquil bottle: Belly-up! Belly-up 'til your passed out!

Raistlin: I knew I shouldn't of drank "beast". Those college kids...

*Meanwhile...*

Otter: Um..Geb?

Geb: What?

Otter: Why do you still have a lampshade on your head?

Geb: Huh? Oh. I was wondering why it was kind of dark...

*Gebohq fumbles to try taking the lampshade off his head.*

Geb: I can't see.

*TheOtter proceeds to clap twice. Geb's head lights up like a jack-o-lantern.*

Geb: And Momma always said that my lightbulb wasn't on. Goes to show her!

Otter: *as he prceeds to clap twice again, then take Geb's lampshade off his head* "Hush up and here" *hands Geb the "Old asian women edition" of Hustler* "This might be more interesting than what you're reading--WHOOPS! Wrong one, that's my personal favorite." *hands Latistia Casta issue instead* "Here ya go."

*Geb's jaw hangs limp while a certain something else geos from being limp.*

*A reader witnessing the event.* "Eww...that's just nasty. I didn't know you could use duct tape that way-that isn't right!..."

(*Brought to you by Gebohq. Pushing the boundaries of bad taste for your reading enjoyment *)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited May 14, 2000).]

*Maybe is still running around trying to find her Kombachka mushroom when she finds...*

Maybe:"Oh hey, Otter. Its you again."

*Otter sits in beanbag reading the old asian edition of Hustler whilst smoking on a hookah*

Otter:"mmmyes it is I."

Maybe:"hey geb, have you seen by mushroom run by again?"

*Geb's head still cocked w/ jaw dropped and eyes wide open*

Geb(eyes never leaving mag):"huh? wha? uh....no?"

Maybe(confused):"'no?', whats that supposed to mean?"

Otter:"Maybe, maybe, maybe....forgetta 'bout it! just sit hear w/ me and my big, jolly friend Caterpillar while we 'enjoy' the company of the hookah."

Maybe(ponders):"hmmm....ok!"

*Maybe pulls up another beanbag next to 'the Caterpillar' and Otter, and begins to smoke on the hookah,when Otter hands her a Metallica fan club mag*

Maybe(big grin on face):"OOOOOOOOOOOH...why do you have this?"

Otter:"I have a mag for each fighter to ahem...'look at for visual pleasure'"

*points to the different mags for the fighters, such as: the latest issue of 'The Women of the Starship Enterprise' for Semi, a 'Modern Technology' mag for Raistlin, and...*

Maybe:"pictures of livestock?"

Otter(takes pipe out of mouth and looks at ground):"uh...thats uh, for Ante. (interrupts maybe before she can say anything) I don't know so don't ask!"

*both then continue to smoke on hookah...*


------------------
---------------
"sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun/ if the sun don't come you get a tan from standing in the english rain..."
-The Beatles, Iam the
Walrus



[This message has been edited by TheOtter (edited May 14, 2000).]

*Ever since the incident with Sem, Trixie had been in the OR of a nearby ship. The technicians and paramedics were huddled around her, giving commands for instruments.*

Doctor: Scalpel! Clamp! Stethoscope! Mop! Bucket! Squeegee! 1000 pounds of titanium! Welder! Shovel! Catheter! Garden Hose! Jelly Donut! Ice Cream Dispenser! French Midget!

Nurse: Why do you need a French Midget?

Doctor: They're so cute. I wanted to take one home with me. Ok, we're almost done here...

*With the whirring of an electric screwdriver and the buzz of a table saw coming to a halt, the group steps away from the operating table. Standing on it is Trixie, with a new, metallic sheen in various areas around her body, one leg being completely robotic.*

Doctor: There we have it. The 6-million dollar rotwieler.

*Various claps fill the room as Trixie bounds back into the arena. She views Antestarr riding atop a large constellation while a strange Yoda-like creature tugs at its foot. Trixie's eyes meet with the constellation's, and sappy music begins to play.*

Otter (looking over): Uh-oh...

*Urs tosses Antestarr and Sem aside and rushes over to Trixie. The two then move off to some place out of sight. Sem approaches Antestarr.*

Sem: Gone they are. We now fight?

Antestarr: Umm... alright, fine.

*Just then, a large litter of half-bear, half cybernetic rotweiler puppy creatures run into the arena, followed by Urs and then Trixie, who is smoking.*

Antestarr: Awww... they're so cute! And look, their little teeth are razor sharp and they have deathrays in their tails... I could just hug them all to death!

*The group gather around Antestarr as if he is a loving father. A bead of sweat runs down Sem's cheek as he starts to back away...*

Sem: "bad could this be... mmmm... yes..."
Sem rushes up to the crows nest, grabs the otter, and rushes back into the arena.
Sem: "Hold for this, will you a second otter?"
Otter, taking the now heavily beaded bones missing from Trixie's leg and jaw: "whoa! cool, where did you get this?"
Sem, backing out of the arena, maintaining a low profile: "ummm.... see that big doggie with the stars stuck in her fur? she hands them out."
Otter: "all right! here doggie, doggie, doggie!"
Just before he leaves the arena, Sem gives the otter the flowing black cloak he wore on his last encounter with trixie.

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

*As Antestarr stands with pride and joy written on his face because of his pet, Trixie, the earth-shattering unstoppable force of the universe steps in. Jealousy starts to flow from the omnipitant all-lovable being as he stares with eyes that could kill at Antestarr. Being replaced by Trixie was the biggest mistake Antestarr could ever make. Now...now, he would pay. Antestarr would feel the being's wrath, with just a few, simple words.*

"Whatcha think you doin' with the dog foo?"

*It was Morris the Cat, more encompassing than ever. The cat continued.*

"How dare you replace me! And you had teh nerve to replace me with a dog! A DOG! What were you thinking? I'm gonna throw up all over your nice shoes, then I'm gonna show that b**ch whose boss."

*Antestarr tried to plead with Morris as the cat made his way to Trixie. Only fate will decide whether the superpower can be stopped though. Will trixie prove to be the underdog in the end? Tune in, cuz somebody's bound to post after this one!*

(dead silence from teh audience. The thread is never touched again.)

*Damn, forgot to knock on wood...*

*Go figure. The next post is by me.*

*Out in the arena's parking lot, the former bad writers of the Neverending Story tried desperately to get away. But having twenty Star Destroyers and a Superstar Destroyer lead by Grand Admiral Thrawn made quite a traffic jam for all teh poor unfortunate souls who wwere trying to get away, having realized too late that the Neverending story was in fact never going to end.*

*Miss Fire, one of the many trying to escape the wretched arena, sat watching the monitor in her ship, since she was obviously going nowhere. Remote in hand, she watched, eating her salad *gotta keep that hot figure and all, no pun intended*.*

Miss Fire: (as she watches the latest on the Neverending Story, the special on Pay-Per-View for teh past six months) Man, and I thought it was bad before...

*She changes the channel to watch "Amazing Discoveries".*

"...have you had Imperial trouble getting in your way. How about big cats that hold supernatural powers? Or maybe you recently turned into a Yoda-look-alike. Whatever the case be, the solution is held within this book, "Chicken soup for the bloodthirsty". It tells about how violence is the solution to all problems, along with suicide, drugs, and achohol. You can get this book now for only $99.99, not including shipping and handling, no refunds accepted, no-"

*Miss Fire continues to flip through the channels until she found herself watching "Dawson's Creek".*

(someone else can resolve the Morris and Oter's situation. )

*If such a mental image could be made by anyone, they would see Ursa Major and Trixie sound asleep in a humongous bed. Morris the Cat slinked-*

audience member: Where did the bed come from? And where in the arena can this new thing be?

Geb the Writer: Hush you. It just is, ok? *slips audience member a $10, where then the person leaves quietly, grinning.*

*ANYWHOS! Like I said, Morris the Cat crept closer and closer to Trixie, waiting for the perfect distance and timing to leap and swallor Trixie whole. Morris was just about to strike when someone stepped on his tail. Maybechild!*

Maybe: Oops, sorry there little, er, big kitty. I was just trying to find that mushroom and-oh! There it is.

*Meowing loudly, Morris scampered out. As Maybechild bends over to pick up the fiesty mushroom, Ursa Major wakes up, towering over Maybechild. The huge bear prepares to maw her when she turns around and looks at it with an innocent face.*

Maybe: You don't look too good Mr. Bear. want this mushroom?

*Ursa major cocked its head sideways, obviously confused. Maybe held the mushroom up higher, and hesitantly, Ursa Major took the mushroom. As ursa Major was leaving the room, theOtter steps in with Sem's cloak on.*

Otter: Hey, I heard you could get some good bone-

Maybe: I have to inteerupt you right there. Besides, that vloak just isn't you! Gimme the cloak.

Otter: But I'm not wearing any clothes under it.

Maybe: *shivers* Here: some Abrocrombie and Fitch clothes to wear instead. Go into the bathroom there and come back when you've finished changing.

*TheOtter steps into the bathroom, and after a minute of what sounds like a pit crew tuning up a car in the Indy 500, he steps back out, looking like an A&F model(except with more clothes on). He gave Maybechil the cloak, who prepares to toos it aside when Semievil runs in.*

Sem: Don't throw it away! I'm very fond of that cloak.

*Semievil takes his cloak from Maybechild and starts to put it on, but all the noise he made when entering woke Trixie up. She began to growl and foam at the mouth.*

Sem: Hey, I could use a little help here guys. Guys?

*Semievil was the only one left in the room, save the bloodthirsty rotweiler. Sem cursed at himself violently.*

----------------------
"Why are you obsessed with fighting? Time and fates you can't deny? If you knew the path we're riding, you'd understand it less than I" Jesus to his apostles--Jesus Christ Superstar

~Gebohq~

Sem, always one to think on his feet(save during coke withdrawl periods) flips the cloak around, showing the soft, velevety red inside.
Suddenly dressed in a peculiar bull-fighting outfit(all the more peculiar as it is 30x his yoda-ish size) Sem shakes out his cloak.
Tixie, suddenly having lost the stars stuck in her fur, picks up the heavily beaded bones from the floor, and rapidly fasions them into horns.
Realizing that he might actually have to FIGHT the brute(although remarkably dainty) trixie, despite his obvious handicap(being the size of a office trash can) does the only thing he can; RUN AWAY!!!!!! zipping out past the others in a flurry of loose-clothing and red velvet he starts lapping the arena w/ trixie close on his little green arse.....

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

Sem: "One second, wait! Hadicap me for my size do they? And well they should not! For my ally is the storywriter, and a powerful ally he is."
Suddenly sem stops and turns to face Trixie.... suddenly he turns around and starts running again.
Sem: "Story writer too long taking is!!!"
after a few more minutes of running and cursing sem is saved as Trixie is smitten under the giant paw of Morris.
Sem: "Whew"
Spotting sem, morris' playful inner kitten is activated, and sem finds himself being batted around like so many catnip-toy mice.
Sem: "STORYWRITERS BASTARDS ARE!!!!"
After a few long moments a faint buzz is heard, and sem looks up... no now down.... no, now he's right-side-up again, perking his long, pointed ears.
Suddenly, having now slowed down to a still impressive 578 GPS ("gonk"s per second) Gonk2m4 comes tearing through the arena, narrator still tied, screaming, to the top of the gonkish framework, and sem is saved as morris bounds off in persuit of this more entertaing quarry.

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

noticing that morris' giant claws have ripped through the leather bonds sem borrowed from the otter's closet to tie down the narrator. He is about to slip away, hopefully unnoticed, when suddenly the narrator bellows out in a familiar sing-song voice: ".....Oh! what a beautiful day! I've got a wonderful feeling; everything's going my way!" yes that's right! the narrator had become Ares' Clone! Rushing up to greet the old friend who helped bring him into the story sem notices Bernard the cyber-pidgeon, still with rubber-duck attachment, sitting on Ares' Clone's shoulder.
Removing the duck, sem gives it to the Clone.
Suddenly the arena lights darken. Sounds of violins warming up in the orchestra are heard. And in a magnificent voice, rivaling that of Joshua's men for power, and easily outpacing any voice for quality......
Ares' Clone: "Rubber duckie, your the one; you make bathtime so much fun!......"

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

Ares' Clone: (in best british-monotone accent) And now for something, completely different.

*As the words were uttered, the camera vision blips into blackness, as if stopping the end of a scene. When the camera is turned on again, the reader sees the arena in a much fuzzier view, much like a home movie, or a documentary. Standing in front of the camera is Gebohq, wearing a simple black suit.*

Geb: We will now venture into the world of comedy and find out excatly what makes something funny. Take this furry animal for instance.

*Gebohq gestures his hand towards the ground, and the reader now sees an otter that had just scuttled into view.*

Geb: (clearing his throat) Hello there, Matt. Would you happen to know where I could obtain a beer?

*The animal mutters an incoherent squeaking, native to the otter tongue. The animal then puls out a Budwieser from behind and holds it up to Geb. Two lizards then enter the scene.*

Lizard #1: We could have done that so much better. Why do people love that animal more than us?

Lizard #2: Because he's an affable animal that everyman can relate to.

Lizard #1: And we're not? I can speak French. Think it can do that?

*The two lizards scuttle back to whence they came, bickering all the way.*

Geb: Now see here, there are many levels at which the humor was introduced. On an average reader scale, the absurdity of the otter handing me a beer might strike amusment in someone. Commercial tie-ins often help too, and those businesses in turn return their thanks. *looks over at two volumptuois women, who begin to giggle. Geb turns back to the camera.* Also, the dedicated readers know that relations between this otter and THE Otter could be made, making it all teh more funny. And in a sick, absurd way, the writer of this post had some inside joke played in as well.

*Gebohq walked to his left, teh camera following.*

Geb: As you may have picked up, humor is best recieved when unexpected. Several unwritten rules include not explaining the joke--oops, heh--say teh right joke to the right audience, and timing and delievery is of the essence. Now, I will continue this documentary with--

random reader: Hey! Is that subliminal messages being filtered through this production?

*Several messages behind Gebohq that read things such as "Involve your friends in the Neverending Story, or we'll kill your family" and ""Tell your friends to tell your friends about the Neverending Story, the one an only thing that matters: you live on it" could be seen.*

Geb: I don't know what you're talking about. That's utter rubbish. Now, as I was saying-

This documentary is interrupted for a special announcement. A speech from-

random reader: Hey, it's the narator! Get 'em!

Damn, time to high-tail it outta here!

*As the unruly mob of readers go after the narrator, not to be confused with Ares' clone, Gebohq sighs to himself.

Geb: Why can't we all just be friends?

(voice from off camera): Why can't any of this story make sense and have some form of linear plot?

Geb: Because of the writers of course...

--------------
*In the Massassi Interactive Story Board offices, a wild party began, and Coke of both kinds flowed strongly through all their veins.*

Sem the writer: Yeah! I am one with the Force!

Geb the writer: Are the whores here yet?

Maybechild the writer: Put the Metallica music up LOUDER!

Otter the writer: What?

Antestarr the writer: Wooo...I'm going to end this horrible job of mine right now and FINISH the Neverending Story! The comet will soon hit the Super Star Destroyer and NOTHING will be left of them! Mwahahaha...haha..heh. Woo. Heh heh. OK, now where are those twinkies?...

Suddenly a petrified marshmallow Peep hits Antestarr writer in the head, knocking him out cold.

Otter the writer: There! He won't be ending the story any time soon!

Meanwhile, MaybeChild the writer (oh hell we're all writers now until I say so) starts headbanging, and Sem looks on concernedly.

Maybe: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE! YEAH!
Sem: Uh, Maybe, think you might wanna calm down a bit? Perhaps we should turn the music down, there's smoke coming out of your cd rom drive, and your speakers are looking kinda red hot...

MaybeChild abruptly shoves Sem's head into her empty tea mug (no, not kombucha tea, chai this time).

Maybe: I gotta pee! (ok so none of you will get the Chicago refrence, but I had to put it in)

Geb: Hey Otter, put some of this in your coke!
Otter: what is it?
Geb: Captain Morgan's Rum.
Otter: No thanks, I only drink Bacardi...

*smash*

Sem: MAYBE!!!!
Maybe: uh-oh... Better start writing, maybe he won't find me hidden behind all the piles of books surrounding my computer desk...

*****
(we're characters now, back in the temple, or arena, or whatever the hell this thing is)
Geb has decided that perhaps his documentary isn't going over so well, so he switches to something *completely different*

Geb: It's time to play: "What's My Scene?"
Maybe: Geb, that game isn't any fun, you know that.
Geb: oh well. I tried. Will the real David Jones please stand up?
Davy Jones: I am standing up. *Maybe goes running in the direction of that voice*
Otter: What got into her?
Geb: I think the question is: What's about to get into her? *the Otter smacks Geb upside the head for his sick sick mind*

Sem (walking in with the narrator hog-tied, a masterful feat considering that Sem is about two feet tall and the narrator is a full-sized person): Dispose of this man, we must. Help me who will?

Both Otter and Geb look at the narrator like he's got some sort of disease...

------------------
"Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair!" ~Hair

Narrator(temporarily having been relived of the duct-tape over his mouth): "And now, for something compleatly different."
The camera shifts to the top of Gonk2m4, still wearing the ragged bunny suit, and ripping up the arena floor with his blinding speed, just in time to crash into the remaining framework of Enchilada Man's taco stand. Suddenly a vengeful flying taco descends from the sky, firing twice, and disappearing again. From one blast Gonk2m4 was knocked off it's feet and was now gonking like mad, still running, but upside-down, so going nowhere. From the other blast, the charred remains of the narrator sitting on Sem's back.
Sem, his ears having been blackened by the blast that took out the narrator: "Storywriters thier aim need to work on! yes!"
Scribed into one of the narrator's smoking bones was this message:"And now, for something compleately different."

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

*In the Massassi's Interactive Story Board officce building, the storywriters ponder wearily over a volume of forgotten lore. That's right, the Neverending Story Thread, a tale of characters much like themselves who find themselves pitted against each other to...er...um..well, there was a purpose at one point. Anywhos, the writers sat, drudging over where to take the story next.*

Sem: Hm...how about we post about a tragic tale of how the lands were swept of Coke and Everquest?

Editor Chief: No, that wouldn't work. Something else...

Maybechild: How about the fighters go back in time? Like the late 60's! A-

Chief: No, that doesn't do either.

Geb: How about we get an audience? I know! Make this into a porn flick!

Chief: As tempting as it is...no. Anything else?

Otter: (just woke up) Oh-oh! How about we make this into a porno flick?

Chief: *sigh* Do you all want to get fired or something?

Antestarr: YES!

*Antestarr is then knocked unconscious by another Peep thrown by Otter. The editor sighs again.*

Geb: You know you want to do the porno...set it on top of a skyscaper...have a bikini hoe-down...

Maybe: I'll give you $20 if you just stpo talking about sex for an hour. OK?

Geb: I don't know... an hour is a long time...

*In the offices, Antestarr suddenly comes to again, and stares at the bottom of the peep for a few minutes. Then he comes to two revelations.*

Antestarr: Hey! There's a website on the bottom of this peep leading to clinical tests done on some peeps! Let's check it out! http://www.learnlink.emory.edu/peep/ . And another thing... I just made $40 in tips working my other job! I'm a happy camper... now where's my Farsight XR-20........

*The others stare at him in awe, then all go to the peep research page in order to see the effects of heat, cold, alcohol, smoking, and various other extremeties on peeps. (just wait until you see what happens to them in hydrochloric acid...)*

*Entering the arena through a swirling vortex, a barbarian wielding a two-handed sword. That's right: the mighty(ly sarcastic) Uncle Tusk. And he's here to kick your candy @$$ to the ground. No wait, that's the Rock...*

Tusk: Odd place this is, me thinks. No Jinjos, monkeys, annoying guys with flying kicks or cybernetic robots here.

*Uncle Tusk then notices a Farsight nearby, and farther off in the distance, some clueless audience members who hadn't done the smart thing five pages ago and left. Tusk picked up the Farsight and smiled.*

Tusk: Ahh...fresh meat. And what makes this all the better: I don't have to worry about my cat following me.

*Just then, Morris the Cat enters.*

Morris: Foo', you're cat ain't nothin' comapred to me! He got all his tricks from me, you know. Once I'm finished with you, you're be crying back home to Aunt Maya.

Tusk: I hate cats...
------------

"I don't have time to bleed." --Jesse Ventura Predator

\v/!!!!!!\v/
U Gebohq U

(from my sister, who is even wierder than I. Scary, ain't it?)

The cheese stood alone in the vast darkness, its monstrous shadow now casting over the arena. Behold, the power of cheese.

Sem swallows the cheeze whole, tripples in size(becomes normal size again), reverts to his skeletal self, and finds himself wearing his black cloak and wielding what appears to be a 2-handed lightsaber.
Behold the power of cheeze

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Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

*Otter still thinking that the writers approved the bikini hoe-down on top of a skyscraper, drove his souped-up jet-black Karmminghia to the top of the arena's nearby home radio station*

Otter:"uh...where are all the half-naked girls?"

female voice from the shadows:"We're over here!"

Otter:"Woohoo!"

*female voice turns out to be Semievil's sister, Totallyevil. she smacks Otter unconscious w/ a giant block of cheddar*

Totally:"Behold! The Power of Cheese!"

------------------
---------------
"sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun/ if the sun don't come you get a tan from standing in the english rain..."
-The Beatles, Iam the
Walrus

audience reader: Hey, it's like, Totally!...rad! Fer shure.

*Somewhere within teh bowels of the arena, Sem shudders, having felt the presence of his dark, dark sister, and remembers the horrible childhood memories.*

*Somewhere by theOtter, Sem's sister, Totallyevil, laughs.*

*Someplace else, Antestarr is, well, working his *** off. Doign what we all wonder...*

What? You expected this to be a good post? HA! That moron Geb couldn't write a post if his life dewpended on--er, now seeing the mighty pencil eraser, I failed to mention that Geb is quite the good-looking guy...

Sem's sister steps out of the dark, wearing the infamous "cool like Castro" t-shirt, holding Thrawn's head, and accompanied by 2 other dark presences..... one clad smartly in a black treanchcoat, wielding a rather menacing staff... or so it may be presumed that it was a staff.... it was moving so fast no-one really got a good look..... and the other...... simply a shadow, from which periodically a sharp kick or punch would strike the nearest holy or natural object.
Otter: waking up and saying meekly "eep!"
Narrator, now in the heavens, away from the angry specatators, and in a nice observing spot:"Aha! it is a staff... we can tell by the imprint in the Otter's stomach.... or.... what's left of it..... it appears that the otter has been.... well..... hunted..... he's not moving..... anyways, at least we're rid of that thrawn fellow, he was getting to be a real bore. "
at this point sem the writer realizes that in order to face this unholy menace, they must delve into the world of the fantasy RPG.
suddenly.....
........
........
........
the writer's block breaks and Sem, Ante, Maybe, a random spectator, Geb, and the 3 parts remainig of the Otter are transported to the center of the arena. as they stand there a mysical swirl begins to form and encompasses them, transfiguring them thus:
Geboq: The great holy knight and cavalier. The much revered paladin, clad in stylish glowing silver-gold armor, wielding a nice-looking longsword, and a full sized shield with a gold cross on it
Maybe: The all powerful healer, and general smack-laying messanger of the gods. The Cleric, clad similarly to the paladin, but wielding a meek prayre book, as opposed to the sword, which is just as well as the sword is almost Maybe's height, and the shield is enough trouble to hold on to.
Otter: Ye old wise and powerful druid, clad in simple leather, weilding a walking stick, and a nasty line-up of nature-type spells, who also happens to be dead.
Ante: Ye young and foolish rouge, wearing a smart camo cloak that blends him perfectly into any surroundings, and wielding 2 thin, poison-coated daggers. And a rubber duckie hat.
Sem: Grows fleash on his bones, and is covered with a light-pale skin, and a snazzy looking robe with depicions of wind, water, fire, and earth. Similarly fire, water, and sand drift from his fingertips in a light breeze.
Arena specator: Well.... Geb can't be a cavalier w/out a horse......

This transformation complete, Maybe thumbs through her prayre book and slowly and methodically raises the Otter back to life.
The Otter decides to practice his new powers as well, and suddenly roots grow up from the ground and pull him down, trying to bury him. Ante stepps in, and cuts the roots, noting that now would be a good time for the otter to practice a different kind of magic, as the 3 dark ones are approaching. Sem raises a wall of fire, which is promptly knocked over by Totally. He raises one wall after annother, trying each element in turn, and finally Otter figures out his spell and the entire crew are suddenly standing around in the middle of Stonehenge........

<note to the posters.... WE HAD TO GET OUT OF THAT ARENA!!!

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Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited June 08, 2000).]

(NSP: Finally. Good way to change the arena, Sem. Also brings back that tad of action that everyone thirsts for. Can't forget the comedy though...)

*As the fighters prepare for a battle that most definately put their lives at stake, they looked up into the evening sky, where they could see the comet and the Super Star Destroyer. The two celestrial objects then proceeded to smash into each other, sending an explosion out that looked vaguely familiar to teh Death Star destruction in Return of the Jedi.*

*Meanwhile, the fighters then turned their attention back to the three dark warriors. The first was TotallyEvil, the mastermind of the three and perhaps the most evil person on the face of the planet (wasn't that a redundancy?). The second was known as Wolf, rumors say that he learned from the best of all the martial arts masters (including Bruce Lee). The third, a dark shadow, its power source drawn from Hell itself, is known as Farr. Some say he is Satan himself, or a high servent of the Evil One (some say he's a distant cousin of Randalf Flagg). Despite the high risk factor, a small audience had already gathered 'round, building staduim seating around StoneHenge.*

*As the dark trinity were about to launch into their attack, Geb held out his hand in the air.*

Geb: Wait! There's a problem...

Totally: *sigh* What is it?

Geb: My horse...it was a person...er..

Audience member: Yes, I object to having him "ride" on me.

Geb: Actually, now that I think about it-

Sem: That person had been a man before he was a horse, you know.

Geb: Eeeee....nevermind then. Can't he just be the nameless foolhardy guy who runs in first and dies while we have time to formulate a plan?

Audience member: I feel your love...

Sem: I suppose. Now Geb, remember what I've taught you. The Storywriter is your ally, and a powerful ally it is.

*With dramatics hauntingly familiar to The Empire Strikes Back, Geb reaches out his hand towards the horse and, with his hands closed, his hand shaking, and then starting to sound like he's constipated, he turns the horse back into an audience member (in the blink of an eye after the dramatics).*

audience member: Uhh..I just remembered, I got to, uhh...clean my refrigerator--bye!

Otter: Oh no you don't!

*Grabbing the guy by his collar, theOtter tosses him towards the dark three like fighbait for a pack of sharks. Like wild animals, the three jump on the audience member, and when they were finished (a whole 5.4 seconds), nothing was left. Farr let out a "mh-ha", which resembled some type of maniacal and malicious yet innocent and child-like laugh. It sent shivers down everyone's spines, even Maybechild's. Evil people after all, will hit a girl.*

*Antestarr then began to shake violently, a sif going into a convusion, or really fustrated at missing an episode of Gundam Wing.*

Ante: mmmMMMM...FREAK OUT!

*In a flash of lightning, the almost nerdy rouge with a ducky hat turned into the Antestarr we all know from "The Shadows of Darkness", trained in all the dark magics known, and a balancer to the dark trinity they faced.*

Maybe: Nice touch. Just remember everyone, evil people have feelings too.

(NSP: So y'all know, Ante, liek good ol' Freakaziod, will often switch in between his two personality states, and most likely at the most inopportune time.)
----------

"Hail to the King, baby." --Duke Nukem

~:Gebohq:~

Sem begins methodically conjuring all the elements he will need for battle.... a full suit of armor, lighter, stronger, and shinier than geb's.... a tower shield, bigger and stronger than geb's.... a short sword, faster and lighter than geb's longsword.... and of course a fire-elemental to use it all, because there's NO WAY Sem is going to step into direct combat here.
Sending the glowing apparition into combat, Sem ducks behind some nearb stones.
Farr steps up, and smites it directly in the chestplate, which is glowing red-hot because of the heat from the elemental.
Farr: "It burns.... it has tried to wound me........"
Three glowing pieces of armor and a few smoldering embers return to Sem, reporting a tactical failure.
Sem: "Geb.... I thinks maybe you might needs some practice before you fights them things.... I'll fix your armor up so it's better than what my pet had.... i thinks you gonna need it...."
Geb nods, looking dreadingly at the helm full of ashes, as the Otter and Maybe begin to fortify thier position. Sem starts up a stiff breeze with mixed pebbles and stones in it to hold off the dark trio while the Otter grows roots around the framework of stonehenge and maybe turns them into steel, referring to her prayre book every now and then.
in end result, Ante, Geb, Sem, Otter, and Maybe are left huddled together in a solid bunker to work on thier combat skills, the only light being the fire Sem is keeping alive in the very center, while the dark trio simply waits for them to come out.
Ante: "Anyone for a game of Spit?"
Ante squeaks his ducke hat and shuffels some cards enthusiastically.

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Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited June 08, 2000).]

*While the group cowardly hides in their shelter, Wolf and Farr begin to fight each other out of boredom. Totally yells at them for doing so, and begins to think of a plan of attack when...*

*A wonderous mystical swirl forms above Stonehenge, and who would come out of it? That's right: Uncle Tusk, with Morris the cat attached to his head.*

Morris: Good thing we got off that arena before it became one with the Super Star Destroyer. *notices three dark warriors* Oh barbaric one. Destroy them.

Tusk: Get off me, cat! And I'll do what I want. And I want to eat. Hey look, they're selling popcorn over there...

*As the cowardly crew sits in their bunker, "planning strategies" (a.k.a. playing RISK and Battleship), a large red light forms in the sky above Stonehenge. Huge hunks of metal and stone come barreling down from the sky, plowing through various audience members and popcorn vendors. The druids promptly begin a lawsuit, sueing both Ares and the Empire for "littering".*

*Antestarr stepped out of the bunker fed up with losing to TheOtter in Battleship.*

Antestarr: That's it! I challenge Farr to a duel!

*Antestarr's hands began to glow with the aura of powerful magic as he approached Farr in the center of Stonehenge. Farr continued to stare at him unimpressed. Just as he took a stance to fight, his alter-ego the Rogue took over and the whole world changed before his eyes.*

Antestarr: What the...? My sight's gone 8-bit!

Command Console: A Farr approacheth. The Farr gets the first strike. The Farr stares at you and laughs. Command?

Antestarr: Uh... Attack.

CC: Farr takes 0 damage. Farr has been poisoned. Farr takes poison damage. Farr gains 20 HP. Farr's attack. Farr speaks.

Farr: Puny fool. You are barely worth the effort.

CC: Command?

Antestarr: A little help here?

CC: Help command enabled. Enter one for help on moving. Enter two for help on attacking. Enter three for help on eating various forms of spinnach. Enter four...

Ante: Noooooo...

Meanwhile, behind the fiersome trio, a short figure has emerged from the shadows of a tree. Who could this be? Could it possibly be the indestructable Krig the Viking? Or is it someone else?

*Krig steps toward the trio of bad guys*

Krig: Krig hungry. Krig need food.

*Looks around for food, sees Morris the Cat*

Krig: Krig see food. Krig get food now.

*Krig draws his fiersome war-axe (which is as tall as he is, four feet) and walks toward Morris*

Krig: Here, kitty kitty kitty...

------------------
My mind is like a sponge, it soaks up a lot... but it leaks

KRIG THE VIKING

Sem reaches out quickly, yanks Ante back in and seals the door.
Sem: "fool"
Sem smacks Ante for opening the door.
Farr, noticing the newcomer: "Ohhhh... it's a little gnome!"
Krig staggers suddenly an falls to the ground writhing in a grip of severe agony as Farr walks up.
Krig: "Me...... not..........GNOME!!!!!!"
Krig slashes at Farr, but the blade gets stuck in the thick aura of darkness surrounding the creature.
Wolf meanwhile has been changing his arsenal, and is now wearing brass knuckles, turning his fists into incredible 5 damage, 1 delay(about 0.05 seconds) weapons.
Seeing that this possible new ally is about to be totally poulverized, the otter quickly turns himself into a cheetah, and makes ready to run and save Krig.
Otter....errr Cheetah: "Ouch.... this leather is stiff."
Sem conjures up some water and douses him, granting full range of motion.
The Cheetah rushes out, grabs Krig, and runs back, being hit by Wolf 17 times in the space of the 2 seconds it took him.
Turning back into human (or otter) form, he sits down to wait his turn as Maybe tends to the healing of Krig.
Otter, 20 mins later, having been healed, and now in a voice up 2 registers: "Sem, *squeak* I think the water is dried.....*squeak*...."

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

(NSP: Yay! Krig jumped in! Anywhos, on with da story...)

*Inside the bunker, the fighters start to get bored. After all, they only have Battleship, Risk, and some cardgames. They had a TV with no cable and an N64, with no games.*

Otter: Hey, how late does Blockbuster stay open to?

Sem: 2 in teh morning I think. What time is it now?

Geb: *looking outside* It's half-past a big rock.

Sem: That was utterly NOT helpful...

Maybe: Did anyone ever think about fighting these creeps outside?

*Everyone looks at Maybechild, and then proceeds to laugh outloud.*

Ante: So, what should we get? I say it should be a fighting game...

Otter: How about Killer Instinct 2?

Ante: Nah, that game sucks--

*As the word "sucks" was uttered, Uncle Tusk's ears regerstered them, and, with as much fury as having to see his cat again, leaped at hte bunker, bringing his sword down upon the roof and splitting it in half.*

Tusk: How DARE you call Killer Instinct 2 a BAD GAME! I will--hey, a fellow barbarian. I'm Uncle Tusk.

krig: Me Krig. Krig hungry. Krig want to eat furry cat.

Tusk: I'm thinking we'll be good friends, you and I...

*Tusk and Krig walk out the new opening in the bunker, and as they depart, teh dark three loom over the fighters within, smiling big evil grins. The fighters then proceed to pray like they never prayed before, and to as many gods as they can think of.*

Sem: "Otter, get us TF out of here!!!"
The Otter is doused with annother splash of water from Sem and Sem makes a mental note to conjure up some new clothes for him, as that leather really isn't going to feel good when it dries...
Otter: "I'm on it allready....."
A portal begins to open around each of the adventurers in turn, but the Otter (as in all dramatic situations) needs an incredible ammount of time.....
Sem begins freezing up all of Wolf's apendages, slowing him down to an almost managable speed.
Geb, fool that he is, takes on Totally, his shield miraculously holding up to 3 hits before simply collapsing like a cardboard box before a vulcan cannon.
off in the corner Maybe gets up, puts away her little book, and begins to say a prayre. Red sparks fly from her fingers and suddenly a giant hand(presumablty that of whatever god she happens to be invocing) comes down from the sky and swats farr off to the side. Sem has been conjuring some things off to the side and now tosses Gebohq a brning shield and sword, which he arms himself with, and manages to keep Totally at bay.
Suddenly they all find themselves standing in the middle of a ring of redwoods, each connected to the two on either side by wooden footbridges. On a platform in each tree stood a druid, dressed in simply dark brown robes, with green light eminating from thier hands.
Otter "We're here."
Geb: "Great, I need to be healed pretty badly, ....Maybe?"
Maybe: "No-go.... that last little smite left me out of mana."
Ante: "ma-na?"
Sem: "The measure of the supernatural energy used to cast spells. In order to cast a given spell a certain concentration is needed."
Geb: "So..... sort of like Karma.... with a "M" right?"
Otter: "Almost....."
Sem sighs heavily, and sits down to regenerate his own mana and to make a robe for Otter.
Meanwhile Geb gets struck by a lightning blot by one of the druids for trying to see if the new shield and sword Sem gave him would light a tree on fire......

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Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

<Yes, it is true, the great Krig has deigned to grace this thread with his presence.>

A druid just like the ones in the surrounding trees steps out of the low underbrush. He walks up to the party.

"Hello, my name is Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing."

Gebohq peered at the druid with squinty eyes. "What was your name again?"

The druid looked startled. "Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing."

Ante tried to pronounce it "Undramondiginonhafabigmajicabong?"

The druid's eyes widened "I most certainly am not! I am Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing, you fool!"

Ante looked at the ground "Now you've hurt my feellings..."

Gebohq stood up strait and tried to look heroic. "What is it you require of us, oh great and probably venerable druid?"

The druid looked to the sky. "I have heard that you are trying to defeat the villanous Totallyevil."

Sem spoke up "Not really, we just got here. Anyways, that's my sister..."

At his words, the druids all drew back into the trees. "Stay back, Evil Ones!"

Sem looked around in confusion. "What'd I say?"

Otter stepped in front of Sem, his armour creaking (And starting to chafe) "No, you've got it all wrong! We're not evil! Only he is!" He pointed at Sem.

"Begone!" Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing waved his arm and Sem dissapeared to parts unknown.

"Now you've gone and done it" Maybe grumbled to Otter.

The druid returned to the party "Now that the great evil has departed from our presence, I may tell you of the way to defeat the greater evil that threatens our land, in the form of a lass named Totallyevil."

Ante stopped feeling sad because of his hurt feelings and spoke. "Well, she wasn't really threatening the land, just us..."

"SILENCE! You would doubt the great Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing?"

"Uh, not really..."

"SILENCE! You will speak when spoken to!"

Otter, disturbed by the behavior of his fellow druids, sidled up to Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing. "So, what was it you were going to tell us?"

The other druid looked befuddled. "Ah.. um... oh, yes. I shall tell you how to defeat her. You must go on a long and dangerous quest to find the sword Excal... er... Porkus Malorkis. Only the great Malorkis may defeat the sheer evil of Totallyevil!"

Just then a short Viking figure and a tall... Tuskish figure appeared in the clearing, running like mad.

Uncle Tusk cried out,"Help, we are being pursued by our dinner!"

Behind them, Morris the Cat bounded out of the underbrush, licking his lips.

*Uncle Tusk and Krig jump into the arms of Otter and tremble in fear from Morris, whom is still licking his lips and eyeing the fiendish duo*

Otter:"OK. Now Uncle Tusk and Krig what do you have to say to Morris?"

Tusk & Krig:"Uhh...we're sorry...

Krig(whilst biting his knuckle):"...that you have to look so yummy!"

¤and leaps @ Morris¤

*Morris just looks confused and when Krig lunges @ him, he just swallows him whole*

¤everyone gasps in unison¤

Otter(w/ a shocked look on his face):"Uhh..Morris! buddy, pal! you don't want to eat Krig do you?"

*W/ Krig's foot still hanging out, Morris nods his head and smiles*

Otter(getting angry):"Aw, come on! Gnomes don't even taste good!"

*Krig prys open Morris' mouth*

Krig(even angrier):"IAM NOT A GNOME!"

*Morris again shuts his mouth*

Otter(fed up):"Augh! Come on, Morris! Drop it, drop it!"

*Morris looks @ Otter, rolls his eyes, and releases Krig*

Krig(panting and in a pool of saliva):"Its as hot as a b*tch in thar!"



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"sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun/ if the sun don't come you get a tan from standing in the english rain..."
-The Beatles, Iam the
Walrus

Narrator: "Holy mother of a fat alligator's rotten corpse batman! Sem's in trouble! He just got expulsed by a druid!"
Sem, in the black deapths of the unknown, wanders about aimlessly.
Sem: "ouch! this depth of the unknown is too cluttered, I keep running into things."
Sem lights a finger, and surveys the scene.
It's amazing, armor, swords, shields scattered everywhere.
(Inventory of what Sem picked out):
Geb:
Holy paladin armor of Or
Belt of HHGoA(Holy Hand Grenades of Antioch)
Shield of the Smash'in Bash'in
Sword of the Extrordinary Whoop-***
Maybe:
Armor of the Self-Rightious
EvilBane MorningStar
Canticle of Canticles(new prayre book)
Otter:
Armor of Oak
Fertalizer of Rampant Growth
Staff of the Passive Observers
Ante:
Ravenscale Armor(to blend into shadows)
Poisoned Rapier
Poisoned Thumb Tack
Belt of Throwing Knives
Sem:
Giant Tree Flayer
Robe of the Elements
Bottle of the Slain Drunkard
Staff of Elemental Mastery
Krig:
Axe of Remarkable Smack-Down-Laying
Nickle-Plated Sissy-Pistol
Shield of the Slain Prince of Nairb
Lightning-Struck Armor
Sem steps casually out of Morris' mouth and begins taking his vengence on Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing by setting to work on the trees with his new tree flayer.
Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing: "Stop that, NOW!!!"
Sem: "Bugger off."
Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing attempts to make the wind blow Sem away, but Sem's new staff gives him much greater power and the druids (except the otter) blow away in a stiff breeze.
Sem, indicating Morris: "You can find the wierdest stuff in there...."

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Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.