(OoC: ARRRRRRRRGH!!! If anyone knows how to login to a .NET Passport, please tell me. I had to sign up for one so I could use the IGZ, but I can't get to the login page!!! MICROSOFT WILL DIE IN THIS POST )

(Just kidding, I made this up BEFORE I tried to sign up for a .NET thingy. I came up weith this great idea for closing this chapter of NeS with a great confrontation w/DarkSide, him being defeated and promising revenge, yadda yadda yadda, and the crippling of the Galactic Microsoft Empire... but since I'm sure you ppl want to go to Switzerland first and have fun kicking arse and stuff... and since I would probably make severl of you angry with such a post... you'll just have to live with the PARTIAL crippling of Microsoft )

-=< In the heroes realm... High above planet Earth in the MSN (Microsoft Star Neutralizer) Windows XP... >=-

Stupid Officer #474: Gee I'm bored... Mr. Gates was kidnapped, and so now we don't have a leader...

Moronic Officer #864224: Don't worry, I can lead!!!

Stupid/Moronic Officers #-5350 to +7927501: YAY!

SO474: Well, what will be you're first action as leader?

MO864224: I'll press this button here... *Points to the red one... *

*Moments later a thunderous explosion rockets the ship, and in an instant, the ship and all 61751076011870178 Microsoft employees on board become puffs of smoke. *

-=< In Darkside's torture chamber >=-

Gates: *Sitting in a chair and held to it by bonds and surrounded by Lackys weilding chain saws, arc welders, and the like* I won't tell anything!!!

TLTE Torturer: Wait, did something like this happen before? I just had Deja Vu... I mean... MUAHGHAAHAHAH!!! YOUR PITIFUL FLEET OF STAR NEUTRALIZERS CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW!!! (Man, I LOVE being able to talk in Caps...)

Gates: Um... ack.

*Suddenly, the door is blown off it's hinges by Force Push... MZZTTH steps into the room!!!*

MZZTTH:

TLTET: GET HIM LACKEYS!!!

*The Lackeys tackle MZZTTH football style, effectively flattening him. Moments later, they howl in pain and burst through the ceilign cartoon-style. MZZTTH is there with his saber lit.*

MZZTTH:

TLTWT: Darn you!!! You won't...

MZZTTH: *Vaporizes TLTET with his saber* Ah, shaddup.

The producer of this post, The Mega-ZZTer, now wishes to assure the audience that no TLTEs were harmed in the making of this post.

Gates: Thank goodness!! A Jedi Knight has come to save me!

MZZTTH: Actually, PM sent me to assassinate you...

Gates: Oh.

MZZTTH: ...so that the Microsoft Empire will fall apart.

Gates: GALACTIC. Galactic Microsoft Emp..

MZZTTH: Yes, yes, yes, Oh, and Mr. Gates, have you heard? Your officers pushed the red button!!! MUHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

Gates: Isn't that a figure of speech?

MZZTTH: Not in THIS case!

Gates: *Lifts his chin up* Well, I still have the MSD Office, the MSD Internet Explorer, the MSD Media Player, the MSD... *Time passes*... not to mention the TIE Fighters Notepad, Charmap, Paint...

MZZTTH: OK OK I GET THE DARN POINT!!!

*Suddenly, another figure enters the room... MZZTTH sences him and whirls around to face his foe...*

Darkside's Chief Lackey: Hello. You're probably wondering why I'm here...

MZZTTH: Not really.

DCL: I'm here to kill Gates...

MZZTTH: *Steps aside* Be my guest!

DCL: ...but of course, if I find any Massassians along the way, I'm to kill them too.

MZZTTH: *Steps forward* Try it!

Gates: *Cheerfully* Well, I guess I'd better look on the bright side! I'd rather be killed by a Jedi Knight than by a Darkside Lackey! Go MZZTTH!

MZZTTH: *Turns around* Really?

Gates: Yes!

MZZTTH: *Turns back to face DCL* If I run away, who will you go after?

DCL: Gates.

MZZTTH: Suits me fine. *Turns to Gates* Mr. Gates, I'd love to kill this guy, seeing he's one of the top guys and all, but I'd rather see you NOT get you're dying wish...

Gates: *Gulp*

MZZTTH: G'bye! *Falls out a conveniently placed closed window.*

DCL: Woah. Deja Vu. Well, anyway, time to do the job I came here for... *Turns to face Gates* *Pulls out knife*

Gates: #$%^&.

-=< Some empty beach somewhere after sunset >=-

PM: *Talks into com* Misson successful. MZZT tells me Gates is assassinated, and the Windows XP blew itself up. Microsoft will take a long time to recover. We can concentrate on Darkside now. *Flicks com off.*

*Stares at the horizon as a burning piece of the MSN Windows XP plumits down in a fireball into the ocean... the full beauty of which cannot be described...*

PM: Ah, beautiful... Now, Switzerland or bust!!! *Gets out hitchhiking thumb and heads for the nearest highway.*

Disclaimer: The author wishes that, if any Microsoft employee reads this post, that they also read this: The author has no grudge against Microsoft, and does not wish for them any fate that is stated in this post. This post is purely fictional.

------------------
"You know when you've been away from the Zone too long when none of your Zone friends recognize you." - /me

[Edit: WOOHOO!!! I've got the first post on page 28!!!]

[This message has been edited by The_Mega_ZZTer (edited December 13, 2001).]

*In the darkest, most secretive inner chambers of TLTE/Darkside's Palace Of Killing Everyone Good, Taking Over the World & Generally Acting Quite Nasty Indeed, TLTE/Darkside consults with his evil TLTE Generals.*

TLTE/Darkside: Esteemed Generals, as the circle of our enemies tightens around our Switzerland stronghold, I am alarmed to report that I have found a flaw in our defense.

General #1: How is that possible, sir? We have automatic supermachinegun turrets, millions upon millions of trained soldiers, AA stations and even a couple of nuclear devices stashed in the store-rooms...how could we possibly not vaporise our attackers?

TLTE/Darkside: Those things don't actually MATTER, General. See, the heroes have "the hero factor" working for them. It's the unbeatable plot hole that lets them come up the victor in any given conflict. Even with those defenses you mentioned, we are still sitting ducks...

General #2: This is an awful revelation...what can we do???

TLTE/Darkside: Fear not, I have a plan. The heroes have the plot hole of them being "too good" to die working for them, so we'll man OUR defenses with people who, for whatever reason, are too lovable, funny, or just downright sexy to kill. I give you; Alpha Squadron!!!

*A curtain is lifted to reveal several thousand African-American homies in singlets and beat-up cars with the music up loud. All of them have high-powered weapons slung over their shoulders.*

Alpha Squadron General: Heyyy, wassup yo?

*Murmurs of assent and admiration from the TLTE Generals.*

TLTE/Darkside: You see my plan? They're just too down widdit to kill! But without further ado; Beta Squadron!

*Another curtain falls. A harem of mind-numbingly beautiful models are draped suggestively over couches and chairs, clumsily holding their guns and discussing how cute (or un-cute) the NeS writers are.*

TLTE/Darkside: Now, granted, they may not have a clue about combat and how to lead a proper assault, but neither will our foes after one glimpse of these beauties. Besides, they're just too cute to kill...

*Choked gasps and eager nods from the TLTE Generals.*

TLTE/Darkside: Which leaves just one more offensive squadron. Now, they may not actually have a redeemable, un-killable quality amongst them, but their sheer aggression and unrelenting ferocity guarantees that they'll be tearing our foes' faces off before they can even reach for their weapons! I give you Gamma Squadron;

*The final curtain drops, and a horde of seething, familiar TV faces are visible beyond a titanium cage.*

TLTE/Darkside: Television's Survivor rejects!!!

*Gasps and frightened glances from the TLTE Generals.*

TLTE/Darkside: Now, unfortunately, they are so vicious I can't actually let them out of their cages, lest they kill us instead. But never fear; they'll rip through the NeS brigade like...er...something that rips through something else very quickly!

*At this, all the TLTE Generals stand up and cheer. TLTE/Darkside bows humbly.*

TLTE/Darkside: And I haven't even told you about my backup plan yet...

Uh-oh! Things are not looking good for the NeS writers! With unconventional, yet deadly forces like those, do they stand any chance of winning? What is TLTE/Darkside's backup plan anyway? And where has TLTETW ended up, after narrowly escaping his fellow TLTE's at the Perfect Level? Only time and follow-up posts will tell, here at the NeS!

*Tokyo, being a city that is technologically advanced, yet perpetually stuck in the 80's as far as society goes, has what one would call a "super-sewer". Power, cleaned and treated water, data cables, polyester shirts, and big hair abound down there. Needless to say, more than one hidden office lay beneath the surface of the bustling city. It is in such an office that Ante now sits, in a video conference with his "associates".*

Ante: Nigel! Signet! What is the meaning of this?! How could you lose him?!

Nigel: Well, you see, we thought we could trust all our black ops men...

Ante: Jeez... ok, odds are that if he was taken by one of our rivals, he's already dead. But that doesn't matter. Like I said back on page 2, I don't care how you get him, so long as his body is intact. We will have to resort to plan beta4, though.

Nigel and Signet: We'll get right on it, sir.

Ante: And make sure you get him to the processing center yourselves. All the people there are under my behavior modification, so once inside, we'll have no more problems. And if we do, then we're off to the "Castro" plan.

Signet: Yes sir. I certainly do not want to experience what a cigar put there feels like!

Ante: Good. I hope to hear good news in the future.

It seems that one of our writers has not been feeling very funny lately and has instead opted to add a bit of a "darker" plot to the story. What will happen next? Will the suspense build, or will other writers come along to change these "dark" plans? Find out next time...

"Oh, god... what the hell have i done?" He thought as his hovercraft flew through Canyon oasis. The hovercraft stopped before a fuel station, Cave_Demon stepped out and took a deep breath.
"Canyon oasis fuel station" he said. He had the nasty look on his face.
Cave_Demon walked in the fuel station, punched the owner and took all the money. the owner tried to reach his Disc thrower, but Cave_Demon was faster. Cave_Demon pulled out the infamous KAZABOOMER mark IV and KAZABOOMed the owner.
"Crap!" Cave_Demon said. Blood had flown all over his pants. "Crap i say! My new pants!"
The nasty seahog burrie walked in the fuel station, he was about to vomit when he saw the owner. Cave_Demon pointed at the seahog with his KAZABOOMER mark IV, seahog started screaming.
"Who are you?" Cave_Demon asked.
"A nasty seahog" said seahog.
"I'm sorry but i have to kill you" Cavey said.
Cave_Demon loaded his KAZABOOMER mark IV...

(NSP: Alright, an ACTUAL story post this time by me. And perhaps work with some odd confliction dealing with the perfect level...)

At the gates of the Perfect Level...

TLTE: Anyday now...

*Enchilada man walks by, looks upon him, and laughs at his misery. He then walks away.*

TLTE: Dangit.

Morris: Foo, whatcha doin' getting yourself in such a position?

TLTE: Hey, it's you again! Help me off from here, cat. Er, please?

Morris: How about I use you as a scratching post?

TLTE: Hey, that's not cool, comrade.

Morris: Yeah, well it wasn't cool getting invited to the taco party you all had either.

TLTE:

Morris: Oh alright, just don't give me that face...*grumble* Underused character, saving someone once again...

TLTE: I'll have to have a word with those guys later...
-------------------------------------
Meanwhile...

Geb: EGAD! A cheap Canyon Oasis level! We must pass through quickly!

Gettle: Darn it all, we can never stop to have a little fun!

Otter: Yeah, pit stops are our friend...

Cooked Haggis: Such poor craftsmanship and originality. A typical sign of multiplayer levels...

JorBo: Hey look! There's some demon guy over there wielding a rather unfriendly looking weapon.

J-bob: Is it the Canadian-ruling demon kind, or the cave-dwelling demon kind?

MZZT: I'd have to say the latter, seeing how he doesn't have that friendly look about him.

J-Bob: Yeah--hey, were have you been lately?

MZZT: Er, traveling by plot-hole to deliver hard blows to Gates?

Geb: Hey now, MZZT! I don't want to hear about what you do in private!

MZZT: But that's not what I--

Geb: Crap on a stick! The cave demon saw us! Duck!

JorBo: Duck? Where?
--------------------------------------------
On another parallel sub-plot to mostly confuse everyone...

PM: So what did I miss?

Maybe: Just a bunch of boring traveling by undisclosed transportation methods--hey, where've you been?

PM: Making Gates fall and pay for what he did to all of us.

Losien: All of us? He told me that I was special to him though!

McLongname: Losien!

Losien: What? How else did you think I was going to make five grand?

Masetto: SO...who's up for a song?

A dead silence hangs in the air.

Masetto: Er...yeah. I'll just read my book then.

Masetto continues reading his book, also undisclosed due to sudden interests in anonymity.

Lt. Randy: Man, I sure hope we don't run into any problems when we reach Darkside's stronghold, like cheap "super-bad guys from all of history" or "specially designed forces aimed at eliminating heroes".

Semievil: Oh please! We're hereos! We won't run into anything like that!

Krig: Krig getting flashbacks of other stories Krig been in...

What will The Last True Hero say to the hereos that forgot about him and left off for Switzerland without him? Will Morris play any part of this in the future? Who is this Cave_Demon, and what does he want? Will the two groups of heroes meet up with each other before reaching Darkside's stronghold? Is this part merely a guideline for the other writers to think about when writing THEIR posts? Find out, after I beat the crap out of this "booming voice" guy...
-------------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 15, 2001).]

JorBo: I don't see any duck.

The Cave Demon charges the group of heros while JorBo goes in serch of the duck.

JorBo: Here ducky ducky ducky.


Will the demon distroy our heros?
Will JorBo find the duck? Why do we have to put questions at the end of our posts?

*As torrents of rain ominously pour down, in the midst of ominous white flashes of lightning, and the ominous reverberation of ominous thunder, the camouflage jeep filled with a den of diabolical deadly dictators dares to drive despite the deadly dead of darkness. *

Phil: That’s got to be one of the worst things about the amoral life of an evil villain. Ominous adverse weather conditions follow you everywhere you go.

Fidel: Yes, that is a sideeffect, although the painful sensation of ignoring every twinge of guilt or conscience while the sickening decomposition of your morality eats through your very soul is pretty bad too.

Phil: Yeah, I can see that being a problem

Hitler: Fidel, you foolish, foolish, man. You should have sold your soul when it was still worth something.

Phil: Can you guy’s give me one good reason why I’m taking you guy’s to Switzerland?

Fidel: Because I have a Colt-45 pressed to the back of your spinal cord.

Phil: Ah. I forgot how persuasive a good dictator can be.

Pol Pot: Are we there yet?

Phil: Nope not yet.

Fidel: As a question of curiosity, Phillip, when will we ‘be there’.

Phil: Uh… let’s check my map… Lithuania is… here… Taiwan is… here… the Soviet Union is here, we should be just North of the Ottoman Empire, the moon is… here…

Pol Pot *pointing to map*: I think were kinda by that large sea monster in the middle…

Hitler: *Checking map* Uh… are those Elf Runes, or simply Ink Stains?

Fidel: Idiots! You’re holding the map upside down!

*Worriedly, Phil peers out of the trucks muddy window. All he sees are black wind-swept rock formations, rolling fields of alfalfa, and a bent green sign that says: Wall Drug. 1500 miles*

Phil: You know, I think we need to uh… orient ourselves post-haste.

*Phil said this, as opposed to the usual “OH, NO! WE’RE LOST! I WANT MY MOMMY!” for the benefit of Fidel’s Colt 45*

Fidel: None the less, here comes another car. We’ll simply inquire about our present location.

Hitler: What! Real resurrected amoral villains don’t ask for directions.

Fidel: Get with it Hitler. This is the modern age. We’ve been liberated. Sensitive Villains are the ‘in’ thing now..

Pol Pot: Does this mean it’s ‘okay’ for villanious scum to cry, also.

Fidel: Sure. When my nuclear weapon plot was defeated by a group of Marvel Comic Book characters, I was sobbing…

*The other car, and SUV with a pink and yellow paint job, pulled alongside the stopped Jeep. The Antennae had a MADD ribbon on it, and the back bumper stickers saying things like, Child on Board, ‘Soccer Mom’ and ‘I’m a Proud Parent of a Salk Honor Student’ The Window rolled down, and who stuck their head out of it but…*

Fidel: Satan! Fancy meeting you here. What’s with the vehicle?

Satan: Well, it’s a long story, but after our M-1 tank broke down, kind ol’ Mrs. McFeeney, bless her soul, let me borrow this Van. Quite nice, to tell the truth, although Stalin keeps complaining about having to use the car seat. But more about that later, you’re heading for Switzerland, right?

Phil: Actually, we’re not quite sur-

Fidel: Yes.

Satan: Good. We lost our way a few miles back, and was wondering if you knew where it was?

Ah! So it seems that Satan, Fidel, Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin, and Phil, have gotten themselves into a little pickle. Will they ever find there way to Switzerland? Can Switzerland be reached by automobile, anyway? Find out Next time on the NeverEnding Story: Pol Pot’s Big Day Out

Meanwhile, the evil villains gain a new, evil villain *evil music*

Keyboarding teacher: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! WHAT IS THAT!!!

Satan: OW! You just sat on my tail(why did i put chair there?!?! LOL) you little *censored*

Key. Teacher: Why you little ...!!!

Satan: OOOHhhh!! What are you gonna do huh?

*keyboarding teacher proceeds to smash a computer moniter onto satans head*

Satan: I see your..point...*groan*

Meanwhile...meanwhile..meanwhile?!?! -_-

Something else happens...i just finished my keyboarding exam!

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited December 22, 2001).]

Satan: A-S-D-F...J-K-L-P--

keyboarding teacher: FINGERS ON THE HOMEROW KEYS! And Stop looking at the keyboard!

Satan: Gee, do you have to be so mean about it? I mean, it's so hard...

Burby 00: I managed to pass it with 69 WPM!

Satan: Shut up...

*sigh* Reaching new lows by every post...

(NSP: bty, I can type at 80wpm+

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

B.U.M.P.

NSP:
*Theoretical Being Ante looks at the date of the last post with any actual content involving something even remotely relating to the story.*

TBA: Hmm... Dec 19th... wasn't that the day... OH MY GOD!

*Theoretical Being Ante runs to the local movie theater.*

TBA: I demand that you stop showing that film in all locations this very instant!

Theater Attendant: Umm... why?

TBA: Because! Your mind-numbing entertainment with your fancy computer graphics and your washed up child actors who are struggling for careers have taken away the will to, nay the very ability of our writers to create of their own free will.

TA: But we make lots of money!

TBA: Bah! I see I cannot get through to you... I'll have to take this to a higher authority... but whom...

*As Theoretical Being Ante ponders this conundrum, he keeps on telling himself that his reaction is not bitterness at the fact that he has not been invited to see said film with anyone else and refuses to see it by himself.*

Another NSP:

You know, it's pretty sad when the content of your sig is larger than the content of your post...

------------------
"Wow! You got anime on DVD! I'll rent this one." Customer rents DVD anime. Customer leaves. Customer returns. "It doesn't work on my PlayStation."

"You have a PlayStation 2?"

"No, just a PlayStation."

"Uhm, it won't work that way. It can't handle reading the DVD's."

"Sell me the add-on that will make it work."

"Uhm, that's a Video-CD add on. Video CD's are not DVD's."

"Then why didn't you tell me it wouldn't work?"

"It just never occurred to me to tell you how your own equipment works."
Taken from the Acts of Gord.

~Antestarr

(NSP: A NeS Christmas special!)

Semievil the writer, before dashing away with the other writers in their annual Christmas party aka "reason not to have to write for this wretched excuse for a story" as some of them called it, posted one last post, being inspired by the remenants of the Arc he once sailed...
----------------------------------
In the realm of the story, our heroes continue towards Darkside's stronghold in Switzerland, when but all things they should run across...

Sem: Look! The sleigh that Krig shot down back on page twenty-something!

Maybe: Who excatly has been leading us to Switzerland?

Krig can be seen, examining the map, upside down. He takes a moment to scratch a bit under his helmet.

Krig: *noise of question* Ah. Krig's helmet tells him that Helmet of Halibut be here as well.

Geb: Where?

Krig points to a point nearby in the snow.

Cooked: Uh, Geb? What are we doing again?

Geb: Procrastinating the inevitable in facing possibley the strongest, most evil force known in existance.

Cooked: Ah, you put it so well.

Gebohq walks to the point Krig gestured towards, and picked up the Helmet of Halibut.

Sem: Inspiration has struck me! With the sleigh, we can take the helmet, bless it, and then spread joy throughout by giving the presents to the children of the world.

Geb: Inspiration has struck me! With the sleigh, we can take the helmet, bless it, and then spread joy throughout by giving the presents to the children of the world. And then get laid!

MZZT: Sounds like a plan!

Everyone else: Yeah!

Sem: Hey, I jsut said that!

Masetto: Hehe, they said "spread"...

With high goals set, the heroes all jump into the sleigh, head for the Vatican City, and bless the helmet, making it the HOLY helmet of Halibut (HHH). Then, all in one night, they delivered all the presents to the kids in the world (and they said that sort of thing could only be done in porn movies--er...)

Needless to say, the REAL Santa, finding out that someone beat him to the punch, was rather upset. And thus, Santa began his quest to reclaim his title...

Will our heroes, with such transportation, be able to (or want to) reach Darkside's stronghold before it's too late? Can the HHH smite evil, now that it is holy? Can it smite even the powerful Darkside? Will Santa find our heroes, and challange them to a fight of the century of the week? These questions to be answered in the next post of The Neverending Story Thread! ...oh wait, this is the Christmas special. Sorry kids, no guarrentee from your favorite narrator this time. Until next time then, Meeeeeery Christmaaaass!(ho ho ho...)

*in the Vatican, the pope is sitting on his majestic seat in majestic, er, majesty*

Pope: Where's my hat?

Priest: You mean that ridiculous and goofy hat that all popes wear to accentuate their silliness and hide their baldness?

Pope: *annoyed* Yeah, that one.

Priest: I think you gave it to those heroes who just stopped by.

Pope: No, I gave 'em the Holy Helmet of Halibut.

Priest: *points* Then what is that on your head?

Pope: HOLY CRUD! It's the Holy Helmet of Halibut! I musta given them my hat by mistake!

Priest: No. *digs finger into Pope's nose* THAT'S holy crud.

Pope: EWWWW!!! *smites priest with holy lightning* Hey, I could get used to this smiting thing. *starts smiting buildings in the Vatican and sings* Here a smite, there a smite, everywhere a smite, smite. . .

*Thus we leave our sadly misguided pope and return to Darkside's stronghold in Switzerland*

Darkside: I feel the power of Lightside infusing this world. But that cannot be!

Lackey #1093: Sir, it can be, for this is Christmas Eve, and on Christmas, the power of good is strongest.

Darkside: UNHOLY CRUD!

Lackey #1093: No. *puts finger into Darkside's nose* THAT'S unholy crud.

Darkside: EWWWW!!! *smites Lackey #1093 with unholy lightning* Now, THIS is the life.

*We leave our gleefully sadistic villain over all villains and villainous villainy in his dark stronghold in Switzerland and return to the Vatican*

Highemperor: Now, O Pope, please give me your blessing that I may attain the Power of God and become Ultimate Power.

Pope: Um, say again?

Highemperor: Er, bless me, Father. *crosses himself*

Pope: Oh, er, I would, but, uh, I already gave my blessing to the Helmet of Halibut.

Highemperor: WHAT? Where is it now?

Pope: Heading toward Switzerland.

*We return to our heroes*

Geb: I can't see a thing in this snow! Where are we, anyway?

Krig: Me no know.

Highemperor: Excuse me, but have you seen a Holy Helmet of Halibut around here?

Geb: Yes! Er - haven't I seen you before somewhere?

Highemperor: Yes! You're Geb!

Geb: You're Highemp!

*they hug*

(OOC: Sorry, inside joke.)

Highemperor: Anywhos, where's the HHH?

Geb: Right here. *brings out pope's hat*

Krig: THAT not Holy Helmet of Halibut.

Geb: Oh, swell. The pope gave us the wrong head adornment.

Highemperor: I'll say. I just came from the Vatican. Are you saying I have to go back there?

Geb: Why do YOU need to go back there?

Highemperor: Why, to get the Holy Helmet of - er. . .

What does this mean? Are Gebohq and Highemperor working at cross-purposes? Who will reach the Holy Helmet of Halibut first? Will our heroes manage to fight Darkside on Christmas, when the powers of Good are strongest? Find out the answers to all these questions and more, tomorrow, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Dark Exile, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

*In Vatican City loomed the great shadow of the ever large Triple H, a professional wrestler. Despite the cold weather and snow on the ground, he wears the standard wrestler speedo, his being black with a green HHH on it, and boots. Stares follow him as he walks up to the Pope.*

Triple H: You there, little old guy! I believe you are in posession of an item of great power that just happens to co-incide with my name. I demand that you hand it over to me before I either go for legal action or just pound you into the floor.

Pope: But... uh... umm... what if I smite you with Holy Lightning?

Triple H: We all know that Holyness cannot affect those of the WWF! Ever since outlawing all "good" and only having varying degrees of evil, we've been given protection from Holy Smiting. It'd be like trying to smite the set of a Soap Opera... it just cannot be done by the natural laws of the world as we write... er... live in it.

Pope: Argh, I see your point. Fine, since I'm no match for you in a physical competition, I must hand the Holy Helmet of Halibut to you...

*Now in posession of the HHH, HHH walked out and aimed himself towards Switzerland.*

Triple H: Now, I believe I have the power to take on those fools who've taken up our rightful Pay Per View space with their non-stop stupidity! The Game... IS ON!

(Editor's Note: "The Game" is one of Triple H's nicknames.)

*Lord, save us... now our story involves "Professional" Wrestling... what other lows are we going to... uh... hey, who're you big guys... OW! That's my arm! I didn't know it could twist that way! Hey! Where are you dragging me?! PleasetuneinnexttimesowecanfindoutifIescape!*

------------------
"Wow! You got anime on DVD! I'll rent this one." Customer rents DVD anime. Customer leaves. Customer returns. "It doesn't work on my PlayStation."

"You have a PlayStation 2?"

"No, just a PlayStation."

"Uhm, it won't work that way. It can't handle reading the DVD's."

"Sell me the add-on that will make it work."

"Uhm, that's a Video-CD add on. Video CD's are not DVD's."

"Then why didn't you tell me it wouldn't work?"

"It just never occurred to me to tell you how your own equipment works."
Taken from the Acts of Gord.

~Antestarr

(NSP: Welcome...again, Highemperor. It'll be interesting to see more of your posts. Just make sure to describe your character phsyically in a story post and some point, and what he can do might help as well. Remember that, though probably not used nearly as much, you also have a "writer" character of your own. It'll be interesting to see if you bring back ol' Dark Lancer or not...

Also--dang, we got a continuity with the christmas post I made--as it is though, I can't think of anything, so hopefully one of you guys will. Until then, you'll get a--)

B.U.M.P.

( )

*Janitor Bob sits on the floor, of a random Canyon Oasis Mod, scrubbing away at the thin layer of dirt that refused to go away. As he sprays a squirt of windex on the brown floor, a tear rolls down his cheek…*

Janitor Bob: It’s just… not fair. All the other heroes get to go to the Perfect Level and I have to stay here and work, work, work. So much for adequate labor distribution.

*Suddenly, there is twinkle in the sky. Slowly the twinkle materializes into… TADAAA! The NES fairy.*

Fairy: Actually, hate to tell you this, but the NES fairy came down with the Chicken Pox. So the United Fairy’s Association substituted me instead. I’m the Fairy’s Godfather.

Bob: Great, first I don’t get to see the perfect level, then I’m approached by the Mafia…

Fairy Godfather: ey, Bob, ah couldn’t help notice ya cryin’. But don’t worry, the Godfatha will make it all betta.

Bob: Uh-oh.

Fairy Godfather: First thing, ya can’t get into the Ball in clothes like that. Where’d ya get that Janitorial Suit? City Municipal Dump?

Bob: Actually it was Value Village, but…

*With a wave of the Fairy Godfather’s magical nightstick, Bob’s Janitorial Suit transforms magically into a brilliant Pink Dress glittering with sequins and lace.*

Bob: Uh… this isn’t right…

Fairy Godfather: Oh, ya. Ma mistake. Wrong color.

*With another wave of the nightstick the pink dress changes into a blue one.*

Fairy Godfather: Let’s see, ya gotta pumpkin on ya. We needa coach.

Bob: Well, what do you know! I’ve got one in my pocket right here! All along! I’ve had it since Halloween, but never gotta chance to throw it away.

Fairy Godfather: Great. Fork it over.

Bob: I was being sarcastic.

Fairy Godfather: Don’t do that to the Godfather. Ya’ll be sorry ya did. Well, you may not have a pumpkin on you , but fortunately , I gotta spare.

*The Godfather pulls out a wilting pumpkin and changes it into a Coach.*

Coach Jones: GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BOB! GET DOWN ON THAT DIRTY FLOOR AND GIVE ME FORTY! NOW! YOU MAGGOT RIDDEN EXCUSE FOR PRIMORDIAL OOZE.

Bob: Eep.

Fairy Godfather: We’ll need some horses too. All I have is a bunch of severed horse heads. Useless, except for the fun puppet show every now and then. We’ll need to magically execute some more Animorphic transformations.

Bob *With an indignant look in his face*: You’re not touching my Hamster
Fairy Godfather: Tough. It’s either yer Hamster or…

*Suddenly, a cute little mouse dashes across the Canyon floor. The Fairy Godfather traps the tail with his foot, and readies his magic nightstick. But before he can do anything, a mangy black cat leaps across the air with a snarl on his lips. It chomps upon the mouse with its bloodied teeth, and gulps it down.*

Fairy Godfather: Guess this’ll suffice as well.

*The cat spins in the air as magical glowing glittery sparkly power stuff surrounds it and pulsates through it. The cat hickups a couple times, and then stretches, skews, and with an audible popping sound, turns into a brilliant white stallion, complete with a groomed mane laced with ribbons and golden stirrups*

Morris the Ca… er Horse: Curse the villians!

Fairy Godfather: Most Excellent. You are now fit for the Ball. Just…

Janitor Bob: Ball…? What Ball? And why am I wearing a blue dress! I’m trying to get to the perfect level!

Fairy Godfather: Mama-Mia! So that’s what yer were crying ya head off fer. That can be easily fixed. Just a wave of my magic nightstick, and you’ll be there.

Janitor Bob *looking up from reading the previous posts that he had skipped*: I thought the perfect level had been destroyed forever.

Fairy Godfather *Ominously*: That Plot Hole has been… dealt with.

Janitor Bob: How?

Fairy Godfather: The creator had created a backup copy on a floppy disk. Albeit an older version, but still embodying the perfection that only the Perfect Level can embody.

*The Godfather waves his nightstick one last time. Bob shimmers several times, like a bad TV picture and then disappears with a Checkerboard special effect.*

Fairy Godfather: Bah! The fool left his Janitorial Boot lying about.

-------------------

*Bob’s head spun. He felt like the time he had ridden the Teeter-Spinny-Tilta-Wirly-Swirly-Ride-of-Death™ at the carnival after eating two corndogs, two milkshakes, and a great deal of marshmallow Cotton Candy. He felt like the Christmas where he had eaten the carton of eggnog that was leftover from the previous Christmas (It wasn’t supposed to be green colored Eggnog after all) He felt like the time he had had that Tambourine Accident.*

Janitor Bob: Ow. The pain of a respawning

*The first thing Bob sees is an incredibly ugly yellow text. Blocky, small, and unattractive. It seemed to say “JANITOR_BOB has entered the game”*

*The next thing Bob sees makes his heart jump. It is the Level. The Perfect Level. Focusing… slowly, suddenly there. Before his very eyes. He takes the beauty in at a slow deliberate pace, one thing at a time. Symmetry. Beautiful symmetry. Perfectly straight Sun-colored lines stretching into the distance, halting only at a perfect right angle of a perfectly straight wall. These strings were blazen against a cloud gray background, reminiscent of a comforting winter day sky, with a fire burning near, warming your body dressed in warm snug sweaters, with a hot mug of tea steaming into the air. The yellow symbolized Passion. The gray serenity. And these lines criss-crossed at perfect angles, forming hundreds of startling yellow frames encompassing a comfortingly drab picture. Though the angles were perfect, some how, they were not sharp. They merged together with a soft pacifying edged. Justice. Tempered by Mercy. Pain. Tempered by Comfort. Perfection. Tempered by humility. Yellow. Tempered by Gray. And in this time of violence, chaos, and unpredictability, this glorious pattern remained tranquil; the same; for the entire incredible… perfect… level. Yes, even the very shape of the level emodied perfection. It was not a boring cube, nay, nor was it a hackneyed ‘Golden Rectangle’ rather it was a precisely thought out combination of the two. One room. One Glory. One Perfect Level. And scattered thoughtfully on the patterned floor of the level lay… power itself. As much as two spinning, shining, implements. Rectangular messengers of death. Conc rifles to warn the journeyman that no one was safe. Bob’s mouth hangs agape. He shakes his head incredulously. He knew what heaven looked like. And somehow, suddenly he knew the Levels true name. “TEH KILLA DFLT CONK BOX O’ DEATH 1!1!”*

*Suddenly, Bob realizes that he was not alone. Maybe it was some remnant of Janitorial Intuition, passed down from his ancestors, when Janitors were still a powerful force, before the Janitorial Purge. Maybe it was Bob’s keen, perceptive, senses, that could notice any suspicious change in sound, sight, heat, humidity, or barometric pressure. Or maybe it was the fact that the yellow words, “INTRUDER345 has entered the game” hung before his eyes. But whatever it was Bob slowly turned around to face the danger. Silhouetted against the patterned background… holding a concussion rifle in each hand… is…*

*… a big surprise*


A so the beauty of the perfect level is revealed it last. And Morris has been turned into… a horse? Who is this mysterious intruder? Where have we obviously seen him before? How did he get into the level? Can even Janitor Bob explain away all these plot holes? Find out next time on the NeverEnding Story Thread: May the Horse be with You


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

INTRUDER345: "Hello, Bob. I am Jim. Curator of the Holy Dark-Gray."

Bob: "Jim... the name sounds familiar. And somehow that Conc-rifle doesn't seem right with you holding it."

LRYT (Low Resolution Yellow Text): "Tim has entered the game."

Tim: "Hello, Bob. I am Tim. Curator of the Holy Light-Gray."

Bob: "Jim? Tim? Gray? THE DUCT-TAPE GUYS!!! OMG, This IS the perfect level!"

Suddenly, Jim smashes his Conc-rifle open and removes two rolls of Duct-Tape and two cans of WD-40. He solemnly passes one of each to Tim.

Jim and Tim: "Yes Bob, this level shall be perfect- but not yet. First, we must glorify it with the Gray."

This said, The Duct-Tape Guys set about wrapping the whole interior of the level in Duct-Tape and spraying it down with WD-40. As Bob begins to slide around on the floor, trying unsuccesfully to grapple onto the slcik surfaces, The Duct-Tape guys finish the last corner.

Jim: "Well, our work here is done."

Tim: "And what a fine bit of work it is too."

Jim: "What now, Tim?"

Tim: "Let's go fix the pope's hat in Rome."

Jim: "Good idea, Tim! And remember kids,"

Tim: "It's not broke- it just lacks Duct-Tape!"

-----------------------

Later, in the Vatican...

Pope John Paul the Second (J2P2): "Thank you Jim and Tim, now that I have this Holy Hat of Duct-Tape, I can once again rule the world!"

Jim and Tim: "Uhhhh....."

J2P2: "Oops... Did I say rule the world?"

What new villany is this? The J2P2 is after world domination too? And corrupting Duct-Tape to his own evil purposes! Is the HHH in the possesion of HHH any match for the HHDT? Was HHH realy in league with the HHDT-wearing J2P2 all along? Could anything stop the combined power of the HHH and the HHDT? Is anyone else getting really confused by all these "H"'s? Tune in next time, same Duct-time, same Duct-channel!

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited December 28, 2001).]

Gratuitous 1100'th post

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

J-bob: How beautiful...if only I could stand now...

booming voice: THE PERFECT LEVEL, AT LAST!

J-Bob: Who are you?

booming voice: THE ONE WHO SENT JORBO TO SEEK WHAT YOU HAVE FOUND.

J-bob: Um, that's nice, but that really didn't answer my question.

booming voice: Uhhhh...*cough* I AM THE GOD OF GODS!

J-bob: Waaait a minute. God of gods, eh?

Janitor Bob hits the tab bar, to reveal and confirm what he has surmised.

J-bob: You're JM!

DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUUUM!

JM: That's right, custodial master. You figured me out.

J-bob: But why?

JM: I'll tell you why!--...no wait. I forgot.

J-bob: Right. You think maybe you could, uh...get me out of here? My friends are probably going to miss me and all.

JM: Wha-? Oh yeah. I suppose I filled my obligitory "tie-in with earlier posts" deal.

LRYT: Server has exited the game...

More gratuitous, senseless tie-ins! What does JM have to do with the prefect level? Does it matter anymore? Where will Janitor Bob find himself next? Tune in, and hope you get a better post, here on The Neverending Story Thread!

And they lived happily every after.

------------------
Welcome to Generation X

Except for DX Generation, of course. His thoughts, his dreams, every moment of his miserable existence was plagued by the guilt... the knowledge... that HE had tried to cut short a Thread never meant to end.

He had failed, of course, but his intentions disgusted him. He would never forget. Though he tried to... he tried to...

------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

*Slowly, the Suburban stuffed with scoundrels saunters through the slippery soaked streets.*

Fidel: I told you! Guam is this way!

Pol Pot: FOOLS! I’LL DESTROY YOU ALL.

*With a sigh, Satan realized that once again, he would have to mediate.*

Satan: Hey. Let’s just calm down and ask this Female Pedestrian who just happens to be walking by.

Stalin: HEY! Female Pedestrian! Where are we?

Losien *From under a Rain Slicker*: South Dakota!

Phil: Crud! I knew I shouldn’t have made that turn at Stonehenge.

Fidel: Well, Ms. Do you know how to get to Switzerland from here?

Losien: Sure! Just drive two miles south, till you hit Walgreens, then turn left three times on Ash and Maple, drive south for 7 blocks till you pass the McDonalds on 35th Street. You should be at the Knoxville bridge… are you writing this down?

Phil: Uh… we have a map. Maybe you should just point out a course for us.

*Phil hands the old, weathered map to Losien. Losien peers at it for a couple seconds in the rain.*

Losien: Hey! I recognize this map. It was in the Lord of the Rings boxed set!

Phil: Crud.

Fidel *Whispering amongst themselves*: Listen. We need a personal tour guide. We’ve got to get her to join us.

Hitler: Ooh! I’ve got a good idea.

*Hitler turns and yells out the window*

Hitler: Hey, little girl. Want some… candy?

Losien: No… that’s okay. I really shouldn’t.

Hitler: It’s… chocolate.

Losien: Then again…

Hitler: Swiss Chocolate.

Losien: Well, I really like candy.

Fidel: Hitler, you idiot. You can’t do it that way.

Losien: But then again, I’ve been trying to watch my calorie intake.

Phil: Uh… maybe we should just ask her politely instead.

Pol Pot: YAAA! LIKE WITH AN M-16!
Losien: But then again, I’ve heard that chocolate is actually [I[healthy[/I] for you…

Satan: YOU FOOL! Join with us, the POWERS of DARKNESS and EVIL, or be subjected to the eternal FLAME of PAIN!

Losien: Does it have almonds? Cuz I hate candy with almonds.

Phil: Ooh. Me too. And coconut. Can’t stand coconut.

Hitler: No! No almonds! Just plain old chocolate!

Losien: Old chocolate?

Hitler: No… not OLD chocolate. Just regular chocolate. No additives!

Satan: Idiots. The hour grows late, and the darkness is fading.

Stalin: Yeah. And were running out of time too.

Losien: Well, I guess there’s only one way to decide. Eeenie, Meenie, Mynie, Moe…

*Suddenly, a computer keyboard hurls through the air at a rate of 35 WPM, knocking Losien unconscious. Gettleburger’s Keyboarding teacher pursed her lips together in a tightlipped half-smile*

Keyboarding Teacher: Quick. Get her in here, and tie her up with this computer cable before she comes to.

Uh-oh Spaghetti-O! Losien was abducted by audacious autocrats and apperceiving aimless alliteration! What will happen? Find out, just maybe, on a later installment of: The Never-Ending Story: When White Wooly Wampas Wash Windows With Windex!


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

*Somewhere dark and foreboding on a black craggy mountain of Switzerland.*

*A twisted fortress/castle thingy rises is gruesomely silhouetted against the horizon. Two twin stone Gargoyles sit cross legged on the towers, as if peering out for any intruders. The black basalt walls of the castle are caked in oozing slime, thick layers of demon phlegm, and leftover holiday eggnog. A fork of lighting strikes a nearby mountain, splitting age old layers of rock in two, to symbolized the evil gravity of it all*

*The inside is first a maze of labyrinthian passages, with shifting walls, deadly spear traps and the occasional collapsing ceiling just to add a bit of livelyness to it. The area is frequented by killer crocodiles, undead zombies, rabid velociraptors, spitting Llamas, and Cockroaches the size of Rosie O’Donnell.*

*Once one passes the maze they will find themselves in a huge chamber, with precarious metal platforms, hanging by frayed wire, over a steaming vat of molten lava. In the middle of this chamber rises a stone column, holding up a jagged stone pedestal, which is topped with a rocking chair. (K-mart was all out of demonic thrones)*

*A fortress like this could only have one name.*

*The Forbidden Fortress of Forbiddeness*

*Unfortunately, that was already taken so we had to go with…*

*the…*

*Lighting flashes, and the Narrator starts yelling.*

* Killer Castle of Ominousness™

*The Original Last True Evil slash Darkside, rocked back in his Rocking Chair, musing. Every once in a while he would say something like, “Yesssssss.”, “Indeeeed.” “EXCELLENT” “THE FOOLS!” and of course, everybody’s favorite: “MWAHAHAHA!”*

*OLTE/D nods as an elevator takes the other dictators up to the rocky pedestal.*

OLTE/D: EXCELLENT. You have finally arrived. I was worried that you would get lost.

Fidel *Modestly*: Well, you know, Comrade. With our directional skills the most confusing terrain is rendered elementary, the most complicated path is simple, the…

Phil: Actually, we did get lost, but thanks to Losien here, we’ve found our way.

*The villains finger their weapons angrily*

Losien: Yeah, thanks Phil. Well, you guy’s have all been great. But I’ve got to go, now. See ya!

*Losien gives a little wave, and starts walking away*

*All the villains pull out their massive guns (except for the Keyboarding Teacher who pulls out a licensed copy of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing 8, which is just as dangerous, possibly more) and point them at Losien’s head.*

Losien: Now that you, mention it, I might be able to stick around for a couple minute or two more.

*Suddenly, a haggard Bill Gates bursts into the room, a stream of toilet paper trailing behind him.*

Gates: Sorry, I’m late. Did you know that your bathroom has Crocodiles in it?

OLTE/D *Sarcastically* : I hadn’t noticed.

Gates: Well, the bugger got a hold of my tie, but I saved myself only by stuffing a copy of Windows XP into it’s gaping mouth. I think I killed it.

OLTE/D: Well, well, the gangs all here! Wait. Where’s Burby00?

Satan: Oh! Right here.

*Satan reaches into a shopping bag and pulls out a frazzled Burby00. A seam goes down Burby’s middle, but it is sown up with shoelace, like a furry football. Periodically, sparks fly out of Burby’s ear.*

Fidel: Burby ran into a bit of nasty business with a Axe and a viking. But Pol Pot was able to solder him back together pretty thoroughly.

Burby00: Weeka Ook Backa Seeka Alde La Syne?

Fidel: Unfortunately, he no longer speaks English. He speaks a language I’ve affectionally dubbed, “Burbish”.

Satan: Uh… Mr. Original Last True Evil Slash Darkside? Question.

OLTE/D: Yes?

Satan: Now that we’ve taken over Switzerland, what do we do? It’s kinda an adrenaline letdown.

OLTE/D: Glad you asked, Satan. Well, taking over Switzerland was only the first step in the MASTER PLAN! MWAHAHAAHA

Other Villians, Collectively: MWAHAHAHAHA.

Losien: I don’t get it. What’s so funny?

Phil: It’s an Evil Villain thing. Never did understand it.

OLTE/D: Switzerland is merely the resting place for my Killer Castle of Ominousness™

Fidel: Well, Crocodile infested Lava pits are nice, but no payoff for an escapade…

OLTE/D: … Which holds the following weapon of Mass Destruction. William! The Curtain.

*Bill Gates presses a button.*

*Nothing Happens*

OLTE/D: Bah! I’ll have to do it manually.

*OLTE/D pulls on a massive robe, pulling aside a whole section of wall. Another chamber, the size of the Arena™ is revealed. But taking up the entire chamber is a massive spherical black object.*

Fidel: It’s…

Pol: IT’S…

Hitler: It’s…

Keyboarding Teacher: Is’t

Burby00: Greebo, Steeky, Snifty wakka.

Phil: THE JOLLY GREEN GIANTS BOWLING BALL!

OLTE/D: No. That’s no bowling ball. There’s no holes. A Bowling ball has to have holes. Look closer.

*The Camera zoomes in on the top of the sphere showing a long thick rope leading to the top.*

OLTE/D: I call it… The Really Big Bomb. With it, we, together, shall BLOW UP THE WORLD!

Villians: YAAAAY! Blow up the world!

Losien: Uh… hate to be a party pooper, but… this might have already been mentioned… aren’t we in the world?

Satan: Your point?

Losien: Well, blowing up the world would blow up you guys with it.

OLTE/D: Details do not concern me.

Losien: Uh-oh.

*Suddenly another enters the room. An old friend of Losien’s*

Losien: Dave the sound guy! He’s come to save me!

Dave: Actually, I’ve come to light the fuse.

Losien: Now Dave. You’ve turned evil. What do you have to say for yourself.

Dave: Happy New Year?

Satan: Let the festivities commence.

*Dave walks up to the Bomb and takes out a disposable Bic lighter.*

*Suddenly, the back door flies open.*

*A little fanfare plays.*

*The Villians stop turn and see…*

Pizza Delivery Boy: You guys ordered Stuffed Cheese with Anchovies?

OLTE/D: No.

Pizza Delivery Boy: This is 6665 North Maplewood?

OLTE/D: No… this is 6666 North Maplewood. You want the little quaint cottage next door.

Pizza Deliver Boy: Bummer. Does this mean I don’t get a tip
*Gates tosses the Delivery man a wad of cash that has the net worth of Rhode Island.*

Satan *Whispering to OLTE*: I’m hungry.

OLTE: Wait! Come back here. We’re taking you hostage too. Your pizza belongs to us.

*The villains tie Losien, Phil, and the Delivery man up to a post with barbed wire.*

*Joe the sound guy, flicks on his butane lighter, the yellow-orange flame casting a haunting flickering glow over his face. He brings the lighter to the fuse*

*The Delivery Boy, seeing the world coming to and end, and a fair maiden in distress, immediately tries to pick up on her.*

Delivery Boy: Wanna see my Tattoo?

OLTE/D: Okay, Joe. Let’s show these three what “BWAHAHA” really means.

Must… get… sleep… Next time. On Nes: The Bomb that Bombed.


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited January 01, 2002).]

(how long did it take to type all that)

*On a dark and stormy night. . .*

Lawyer: Excuse me, sir, but we will have to sue you if you continue ripping off cliches like that.

*Ah, dangit! Let's try again.*

*On a dark and stormy day. . .*

(Lawyer: Better, thanks.)

Geb: Just what do YOU want with the HHH?

Highemp: I, uh. . . *mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, "want to take over the world"*

Geb: What was that?

Highemp: Um. . . I want to bake a - er, what rhymes with world?

Krig: Huh? Me head hurt.

HHH: Ha! I have what you seek right here!

Geb: Since when does the Holy Helmet of Halibut talk?

HHH: I'm the wrestler HHH!

Geb: Oh.

HHH: And I have the HHH right here!

Krig: You ARE HHH.

HHH: Yes, and I also have the HHH!

Highemp: Now, MY head hurts.

*In the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

OLTE/Darkside: Let the bombing begin!

Sound guy: *lights the bomb's fuse*

Bomb: Tick, tick, tick, tick, *cough*

Satan: Since when does a bomb cough?

Bomb: Hey, bub, but YOU'RE not the one who has to say "tick" all day long.

Satan: Erm, riiiiiight.

Bomb: Tick, tick, tick. . .

*Back to our heroes*

Krig: *standing over smitten wrestler HHH* Now we have Holy Helmet of Halibut again. *kisses axe* Me love you, axe!

Geb: Thanks, Krig! Teh HHH is ours again!

Highemp: "Teh"?

Geb: Oh, no! It's the dreaded Typo monster, evilest of all evil evils!

Krig: Wear? Mee know sea any monnster.

Highemp: Its geting klose, becuz wee can feel it's affects!

*In the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

Bomb: Tick, tick, tick. . .

Fidel: Is it just me, comrade, or is this taking an interminably long time?

OLTE/Darkside: *roused from stupor* Huh, what? Oh, yes, it has been a while. But you know what they say: good things come to those who wait!

Burby00: Zeeka wot meen.

Pot: WHAT did he say?

Keyboarding Teacher: He said, "I thought we wanted bad things."

Pot: Oh.

OLTE/Darkside: Erm, well, I suppose we do. But anywhos. . .

*Suddenly the door into the Killer Castle of Ominousness slams open, revealing. . .*

All Villains: Teh TIPO MONNSTERR!

Typo Monster: Tkhadlkjj;erjlkalksjdflkajfoieuru1987823704789123904!@#$@#0(&*

OLTE/Darkside: Wut?

Satan: Az teh Tipo monnsterr, hee speeks inn awl tipos, but I tihnk hee sed (Narrator's Note: All subsequent dialogue has been translated from typo-itis into English so as to avoid confusion to the reader) that he is the most powerful being in the cosmos, and the most evil, but Highemp's evil twin, the demon HighImp, led an army of ten hundred thousand million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion octillion nonillion demons against him, which was just enough to overcome him, and that HighImp wants to control him for his own purposes, to take over the universe! *gasp for breath* Whew, what a mouthful!

Bomb: Hey, have y'all forgotten me?!? Tick, tick, tick, tick. . .

*Outside the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

HighImp: I have tracked the Typo monster here, and now my army of demons will storm the castle and capture his power for me! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*Our heroes finally arrive at the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

Geb: Um, is it just me, or did we get here at a bad time?

Oh, no! It's the first post of 2002! Have there really been two years of Neverending Insanity? Who will claim the awesome power of the Typo monster - OLTE/Darkside or HighImp? And what will our heroes do? Will anyone remember the Bomb? Find out next time, in 2002: A Neverending Odyssey!

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Dark Exile, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

*In the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

*The Keyboarding teacher stares intently at her green Apple Computer screen, approaching a record 320 Words Per Minute. Suddenly, she detects a wafting rotten stench, like a 6 month old Orange, or the Apple Juice that Janitor Bob the writer had left in his locker for the entirety of the 7th grade, or even… Janitor Bob the Writer’s running shoes.*

*It was a stench she recognized. A stench from the past. A stench from hell.*

*Slowly, dramatically, her head turns.*

*The Audience can only see the look of horror on her face*

*Slowly the camera pans over, up the massive clawed green feet, past the bloody tattoed torso, and to the horned head of…*

*The camera zooms in on the Monster’s I.D. Tag. It says: Heyllo! Myy nam si: Teh Tipo Monsterr!*

Keyboarding Teacher: No! So. We meet again. My old Archnemisis. But this time, I’m prepared.

*The Keyboarding Teacher ignites her Typing Tutor with a snap-hiss*

Keyboarding Teacher: FEEL THE POWER OF THE HOME ROW!

*The Keyboarding Teacher gives a scream, and vaults over the lava pit, skidding onto the metal platform with the Typo monster on it.*

Typo Monster: RAOR!

*The Typo monster knocks away her typing tutor with a swat of his paw.*

*The Teacher backflips away from the gaping maw of the Typo Monster*

*Suddenly, blue lighting shoots out of the Typo’s Monster fingers, arking threw the ere and electricuting the helpless Teacher.*

*As the Teacher writhes on the ground, electricity running along her teeth she screams*

Typing Teacher: NOOO! I… won’t… misspell a… wurd… NOOOOOO!

*In firey anger the Typing Teacher leaps up 12 feet, flipping through the air. Her Typing Tutor soars through the air and into her outstretched palm. She lands with her two booted feet planted on the Monster’s bloodshot eyes. She starts beating on his forehead with her typing tutor*

Typing Teacher: A… S… D… F… J… K… L… Semicolon!!!! Your posture dissapoints me, Typo Monster

Highemperor: Furled! That’s it. Furled rhymes with world! And Curled! Curled, too.

*Phil, Losien, and the Pizza Delivery Boy watch the battle unfold, with great interest.*

Phil: Good Stuff, good stuff. Really could go for a pizza right now. Small one would do.

Pizza Delivery Boy: We don’t have small.

Phil: Medium?
Pizza Delivery Boy: Nope. Only “Large”, “Extra Large”, “Really Extra Large”, “Super Duper Extra Extra Large”, “Humongous”, “Gargantuan”, “Colossus” and “Yo Mamma”

Phil: Oh yeah! Well…

Really Big Bomb: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…

Losien: We’ve got to stop that bomb from ticking!

Pizza Delivery Boy: Yeah, it really ticks me off. Heh.

*Phil glares at the Pizza Delivery Boy.*

Phil: Well, any suggestions would be welcome.

Losien: I’ve got an Idea. HEY! BOMB!

Really Big Bomb: Yes?

Losien: STOP TICKING!

Really Big Bomb: Tock, tock, tock, tock, tock…

Losien: Hey, it was worth a try…

Phil: If we want to stop that Bomb from ending the race of Mankind…

Losien: Hey!

Phil: … and Womankind, forever, we’ll have to get free. Losien, see if you can reach Pizza Boy’s pizza cutter.

*Will the Keyboarding Teacher triumph, or will teh poewrs of tipo mosnter wen? Can the good guys break free? What else rhymes with world? All this and more, next time on The Never-Ending Story: Europe on 35 words per minute*


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

*JorBo walks into Killer Castle of Ominousness*

JorBo: Here ducky ducky ducky.

Really Big Bomb: Tock tock tock tock...

JorBo: Did I come at a bad time?

Will JorBo ever make another post longer than this? What will he be having for dinner? find in the next installment of The Neverending Story: When good bombs go bad

(NSP: Where the bloody hell am I? I seemed to have disappeared.....)

Gettle: Where am I!

*there is no answer except the silence and darkness pressing into the little room Gettle is occupying. He suddenly feels...strange...*

Gettle: Wats hapeneeng?

oh dear, this must be the effects of the typing demon!!! whatever will he/I do...

~Meanwhile, in the writer's world, which has not been visited for some time..~

*The NeS building is in ruins...the not-so-state-of-the-art computers are destroyed, the writer's...perhaps even DEAD?! Could it get any better?*

AllTheWriters: Yes

Narrator: Well?! Spit it out! *The rubble seems to have attracted several llamas and the poor narator is thrown back several feet into a wall and is knocked unconscious*

Oddskibodikins! The Narrator is unconscious! What will happen to the **'d actions between dialogue! Stupid llamas...

Inventor(we dont know where he is, thanks to the llamas): EUREKA!! I'VE GOT IT!!! ANTI-LLAMA SPRAY!!!

(this is going to be confusing, with no **'s)
Gettle: I must find that anti-llama spray and revive the narrator!

Gettle: Fine, you won't help, eh? We-e-ell...too bad, you don't get any fame, glory, money, the usual.

Gettle: Give me your anti-llama spray good sir!

Inventor: No! It's mine! mineminemine!

Gettle: Thanks

Inventor: Ow...

(weird, what happened in between there? we must...revive..the narrator)

[NSP: Started writing this before I saw Gettle's post...so sorry for the use of **'s...maybe there's a "The Narrator the Hero" as well...]

*Losien, Phil and the Pizza guy are still trying to break free, in an effort to stop the bomb from ticking (or tocking) and thus saving the world for fiery destruction.
Though to be honest, it's more Phil and Losien trying to deactivate the bomb and thus saving the world for fiery destruction, while the Pizza guy tries to hit on Losien*

*Losien reaches over to grab the Pizza Delivery Boy's pizza cutter...*

Losien: "I got it! Wait...no..that's no pizza cutter..."

Pizza Delivery Boy: "Like that sugar? Hehe, there's plenty more where that came from..."

Phil: "Um...guys...please...keep it a PG rating..."

Pizza Delivery Boy: "What? She just grabbed the roll of notes in my pocket that Gates gave me."

*audience groans at the sub-Austin Powers innuendo*

*Anyway, Losien clutches the cutter at the second attempt, and slices through the barb wire*

Pizza Delivery Boy: "What if I was the last guy on earth? Or the world was about to end?"

Losien: "No. And you do realise the world is about to end, don't you...?"

Bomb: "Tock, tock, tock..."

Losien: "Hey bomb!"

Bomb: "Oh god...not you again. Go away."

Losien: "Stop tocking. Please.."

Bomb: "If you go away."

Losien: "Sure thing bomby, just stop tocking....for me..."

*she flutters her eyelids- incidently it has no effect, since the bomb has no eyes. Duh....*

Phil: "But its not got any ears either...and yet it can still hear. Duh..."

Narrator: "Shut up you, or "random victim #1872" may just get a character change..."

Bomb: "Well ok then.....100, 99, 98, 97."

Losien: "But that's not what I....damn..."

Phil: "Nice going there Losien...just give us less than 95 seconds to live...well done..."

*The Pizza Delivery Boy has a huge grin on his face...*

Losien: "No! Geez, can't you think straight for a whole minute....?"

Pizza Delivery Boy: "But I am thinking straight, otherwise I'd be after Phi..."

Phil: "I think this conversation has gone far enough...we're verging back into R rated territory again..."

Bomb: "87, 86, 85, 84..."

*Phil kicks the bomb*

Phil: "Just shut up will you."

Bomb: "No need to get nasty. I'm just doing my job. Now where was I?"

Pizza Delivery Boy: "I think you were at eighty fo..mmgghhghfgrh."

Losien: "You were just about to reach ten hundred thousand million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion octillion nonillion."

Bomb: "Thanks. ten hundred thousand million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion octillion nonillion and 1, ten hundred thousand million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion octillion nonillion..."

*Losien removes her hand from the Pizza Delivery Boy's mouth*

Pizza Delivery Boy: "No need to get rough baby, I'm willing enough as it is..."

*Te Audience shakes their heads and wonders exactly why there was felt to be a sudden need for toilet humour...and poor toilet humour at that....*

[This message has been edited by CookedHaggis (edited January 03, 2002).]

//This Public Service Announcement brought to you by those who wish to keep some semblance of sanity within these pages.\\

Nigel (speaking to a room full of people): As you all may know, our Narrator has suffered a horrible accident. We were left wondering what we could do to survive without **'s...

Signet: Yes, and since we didn't want to keep using such ugly offsetting marks as used at the top of this session, our boss has gave us a mission to retrieve a substitute Narrator.

Nigel: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Earl Jones!

(From this point on, all **'s are narrated by James Earl Jones... at least until the other Narrator recovers.)

*A curtain behind our speakers is drawn back. Silhouetted against a smoky backdrop is an imposing figure, he steps forward, lips moving as if narrating his descent towards the audience.*

Skeptical Audience Member #37: Hey, where'd we get the money to hire such a talented gentleman?

Nigel: Oh, the funds have been... uh... procured.

SAM 37: But...

*James Earl Jones holds up a hand, and with a flash of light, SAM 37 disappears.*

SAM 38: Hey, where'd he go?

JEJ: I am altering the seating arrangement. Pray I do not alter it further.

SAM 38: eep!

*Now the prophecy has been fulfilled. One has risen to replace that snivelling idiot once called "Narrator". I shall prove once and for all my superiority over the voices of the galaxy. You hear me? You do not stand a chance, "Narrator"!*

------------------
"If a whip wielding bastard in a leather skirt started talking to me while waving a bleeding human heart around I'd stop screwing around, too. 'Oh, I can see by the bloody organ in your hand that you are indeed a tough hombre. I'll show you the way.'"

-Shamelessly stolen and somewhat edited from Sharkey's review of Castlevania II: Simon's Quest-

~Antestarr

/I, James Earl Jones, am now the Omniscient, Ommneepotint Naratter - hay, wut's going onn?/

Typo monster: Your powers are weak old man. Once I become the Narrator, combined with my own typo powers(TM), I shall be unstoppable!

*If you strike me down, Typo, I will become more powerful than you can imagine.*

snap-hiss

Losien: Swell, now THEY'RE duking it out, too. Is there NO ONE that's not fighting?

Pizza Guy: I'm not, babe.

Losien: Shaddup!

OLTE/Darkside: Swell. Just swell. Whatever happened to ME?

All: Go away!

OLTE/Darkside: Stupid think-they're-better-characters-than-me. . .

Geb: Wake up, Narrator, we need you!

*Huh, what? Oh, hi! I'm back! Hey! What's this? Two other would-be narrators?! Let's see what can be done about this. I'll show them what a REAL narrator can do!*

*JEJ and the Typo monster drop dead*

/Hey, you can't do that!/

*Shut up, you're dead*

/Dangit. . ./

*Now, let's fix this mess. HighImp, the evil cousin of Highemp, joins the forces of Darkside, as does the Typo monster, conveniently resurrected for this explicit purpose.*

*And just for good measure, JEJ becomes Darkside's second-in-command*

Geb: Hoo, boy, what now?

What shall happen to our not-so-intrepid heroes now? Never fear, for I, the Narrator, am back! Bwahahahahahahahahaha- *cough*

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Dark Exile, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel

it's gotten a little boring in here..so...this popped into my head and btw, thank god, **'s!

*Gettle sticks the anti-llama spray in his pocket and hopes it comes in use later*

*He appears in....a dark expanse, the only light comes from the moon overhead, rubble is strewn everwhere, a 7-11 stand is crushed. There are bleachers around in a circular formation around him.*

The Arena. *menacing music suggesting something bad will happen starts up*

Gettle: Uh oh..

*A smell permeates Gettle's nostrils..the smell of rotting, decay. . .death.*

*All of a sudden, a huge *FLASH* and *BANG*, and out of the swirl of some void to another plane comes....* *music builds to a height*

The Machine That Goes "Bing!"

*The music stops. A tumbleweed blows by.*
*gettle looks on nervously, and experiences a shiver in the presence of a powerful item*

TMTGB: Bing!

Gettle: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Hospital Administrator(who conveniently walks in): Ahhhh, I see you have found the machine that goes "Bing!"

TMTGB: Bing!

Administrator: And what are we doing today?

Gettle: Um...I don't know?

Administrator: *huffs*Well, we DO try to keep our employees in order...

Gettle: What employees? Where am I?

Administrator: WHAT?! One of the staff that doesn't know?! Why I should feed you to the 3 hundred thousand headed hydra!

Gettle: *gulp*

Administrator: Well I'll give you a tour then... This *makes an all-around gesture* was the Arena. The legendary Battle Between Ares and the one known as Gebohq fought here; along with the Great Battle between Geb/Galvatron and Darkside. OVer there is a ruined 7-11. We are Janitorial Guild! *rumble of thunder in the distance*

Gettle: *jumps* Ares...Isn't he the guy who runs Pay-P-view? Why would he be in a craphole like this?

Administrator: ...

Gettle: And if your janitors, do you by chance know Janitor Bob?

*Administrator gets a misty, look; tears form in his eyes*

Administrator: Yes, I *sniff* know Janitor Bob...he got above perfect scores on his Janitorial Test..the broom and mop he built were the strongest and most water absorbing...and I remember when he got his first squeegee *bursts into tears*

Gettle*not sure what to do*: It's ok buddy..pats admin on the shoulder* Well, what else happened?

Admin: Well *sniff sniff* He... left us! With our Sacred Bottle of Windex and Rag! *in whispery evil voice* We will never forgive him for that!

Gettle: Ummmm..why'd he leave?

Admin: Dunno.

Gettle: Well, mind if I look around? (not that there's much to look at)

Admin: Er..well fine by me...dont look to me if something happens to you *hands Gettle a something that looks like a contract with 2 ft. of fine print* Everything on this..the usual, you know

Gettle: Um ok, *walks off feeling very confused*

*Gettle walks around awhile, and visits the 7-11. He sees a Ho-Ho and eats it*

Gettle: Mmm, for a Ho-Ho that's a year old, not bad!

*He sees a cunningly disguised ladder in the back, which he climbs up. There is a plaque with the words "Crow's Nest" written off to the side and piles of magazines everywhere. Gettle picks up a magazine and stares at it*

Gettle: !!!!!

*For the next few days, Gettle is quite busy...*

TMTGB*off in the distance*: Bing!

Oh dear, our not-so-heroic-hero has been seduced by none other than...the evil villain PORN! What will happen? Look this way next time...

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited January 04, 2002).]

(NSP: GAHHHHH!! The Arena! Will it never stop haunting me?!?!? ...er...I'm cool now, all good...Now if I could only think of a good way to finish this senario we've been building on...

And as always, the obligitory--)

Benevolant
U[/b]pward
Mobility
P[/b]ost!

(--What would we do without ye beautiful B.U.M.P. to post at times like these?...)

(NSP: Hey Jbob, I saw your X-mas banner on the main page - cool! )

*Suddenly deciding that the battle is not going his way, even with the return of the Narrator, OLTE/Darkside laughs evilly and pushes a button on his throne. Immediately, it launches through the air, crashing through the roof above and leaving the battling NeS-ers below. Shakily, he gets off.*

OLTE/Darkside: Mental note; install hole in roof or purchase crash helmet in next castle.

*He staggers over to a control panel, and reveals his master plan.*

OLTE/Darkside: Ha-haaaaa, the fools! They think they were sooooo smart, coming here to defeat me, but it will be their undoing! For I have built a massive getaway ship on top of the castle; and when I engage the ignition rockets, it will obliterate the castle, and everyone in it! All I have to do is press this b-

*Suddenly, something within him stirrs and turns. OLTE/Darkside moans, and suddenly explodes in a flash of blue light. When the smoke clears, OLTE and Darkside are again separate.*

Darkside: You fool! You are only delaying the inevitable!

OLTE: The return of Disco?

Darkside: No!

OLTE: Another Bee Gees revival?

Darkside: No! The destruction of this castle and everyone in it!

OLTE: Oh, that. Er, I cannot allow that either!

Darkside: Then you shall die most uncleanly!

*He draws a fine-pointed sword and tosses one to OLTE. They begin to fence viciously, as the timer ticks down to the ignition of the getaway ship...*


[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited January 08, 2002).]

Due to the lack of success in conjuring Beezlebub from the depths of Hell to write this next scene for his soul, Geb the writer opts to write the posts himself. Yes kids, this will be a scary sight indeed...

Meanwhile, making way through Darkside's Castle of Ominousnes, our heroes draw close to facing Darkside to save the world yet again. They walk, watchful of their steps, as they trek across a suspended walkway, high above and outside the walls of the castle.

Maybe: Holy... uh, explitive! Those Survivior rejects almost ensnared us into their poorly-crafted jungle traps and mauled us.

Randy: Where's TheOtter?

Janitor Bob: He took one for the team when we faced off against Beta Squadron.

Geb: Why... why couldn't I have been sacrificed to the seductive women... *starts to cry*

Maybe: So who's left?

J-bob: Uh...Well we lost Cooked and Masetto back at Alpha Squadron when they were sucked into trying to culture and out-do their coolness, respectively. And TheOtter back at Beta...and we lost Krig, TLTE, MZZT, and the Phantom Master jsut now escaping the Gamma Squadron. And uh...

Maybe: I get the point.

Antestarr, glides gracefully down by parachute.

Ante: Hey, there, I didn't miss Beta squadron, did I?

Geb: Actually, they're back down the way, with theOtter.

Ante: NOOOOO!! *Attempts to run back down the path but is restrained by Geb and Maybe.*

Ante *sobbing*: Why me... why us...

Geb: Hey, if I can't get any, neither can you! And how did you know about Beta squadron anyway?

Ante: I've been... uh... researching. Yeah... researching... *Shoves picture into pocket.* Ah well. Hopefully this recently developed bomb defibrillator will come in handy.

Geb: Bomb defibrillator?

Ante: Never know when a resurrected bomb'll come in handy.

Continuing down the walkway and in through the door, our remaining heroes end up on a balcony above the scene below in which Losien has just freed herself and is rushing towards the bomb. The Pizza Delivery Boy tears off his shirt to reveal a spandex outfit with a big "l33t" on the front. He then moves to intercept the Typo Monster.

l33tMAN: i AM Lee+M@|\|, PRotECtOR 0f @ll NON-L33+! PR3P@RE T0 Be r0><or5 1|\| YOUR 8OxOR5!

Typo monster: Raaaaigh1 i whill defeat yoiuo!'

l33tMAN: Y0ur p00R +yp1|\|9 5|<1LL$ 4RE n0 |\/|4+C|-| fOr my lEeT Ar5E|\|4L, +yPo |\/|O|\|S+3R!

Typo moster: yu wil diee, teh s;ow amd paonfil wau!

Geb: What are they saying?

Maybe: Who cares? The point is, they're out of our way.

Geb: Oh yeah. But what about them?

Gebohq points to the infamous bad guys.

Maybe: Meh. We'll just do the usual "mass-battle" routine where nobody really gets anywhere and chaos ensues in a nice, orderly manner.

Geb: Sounds like a plan!

While all the heroes face off with a respective bad guy, Losien diffuses the bomb.

Antestarr: NOOOOOO!!!!

Antestarr then lunges forewards, using his bomb difibulator, and ressurecting the bomb.

Maybe: Ante, you idiot! Now the world is in threat of being destroyed again!

Ante: Uh...oops?

Bomb: Tick tick tick...

Ante: Hey, you.

Bomb: ?

Ante: See that planet over there? *points to random place in the sky* Go get it!

Bomb: !!!! Tickticktick... *goes off to the sky. A small explosion can be seen in the distance, Death Star Style.

Ante: And now...here Billy!

Bill Gates, like a dog, rushes up to Antestarr.

Ante: Go take your friends out for a round of drinks.

Snapping his fingers, Bill Gates orders everyone out of the castle and off to the nearest pub (which happens to be far far away. How convinient, ain't it?)

Geb: ...wow, that was kind of anti-climatic.

Ante: And?

Geb: So where's Darkside?

Just then, the OLTE steps up to the heroes.

OLTE: Darkside managed to escape. I suppose it helped that I packed his luggage for him...

Randy: Ow! There's an alligator gnawing on my leg!

All the heroes laugh, except for Randy, who's yelling in agony.

With Darkside gone now, our heroes have claimed Switzerland for their own, and with the combined finances of the banks and their earnings back in Tokyo, the heroes head off to the U.K., where they have The Hall of Heroes constructed, leaving Darkside's CASTLE OF OMINOUSNESS dilapidated from the hurricane of mystical swirls, as known as plot holes, that swept recently. HHH with the HHH, Highemperor, HIgh Imp, and other such "details" will be dealt with, right here, on the next post of THE NEVER-ENDING STORY THREAD!

...OK kids, you can look now. Oh wait--sorry, anothe rpost coming up. Better cover your eyes again...

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited January 13, 2002).]