*At hearing the distress of...the long-named one, the other bards scamper towards the fighters and proceed to surround the group, poking then with sausages. Sem was about to disperse them when Gebohq spoke up.*

Geb: Don't Sem, it's unfair and against the Geneva code.

Sem: So?

Ante: What he's trying to say is it'll be a lot more interesting if we let the bards take our stuff and stick us in a difficult predicament.

Sem: Damn. Hey, why isn't theOtter getting tied up like the rest of us?

Maybe: Cuz they see him as the great Otter-Bard god. If that isn't a sign that the world is coming to an end, I don't know what is.

*Meanwhile, the bards (who look suspiciously like Ewoks) tie all but theOtter over firepits.*

Will the next post succumb to using the bit from "Return of the Jedi", or use some brilliant new twist? Haha, you have to read to find out, haha-ow! *Narrator slumps over*

Recognizing the all-too-familiar predicament and getting impatient rather swiftly, Maybe heaves a heavy sigh and starts muttering a prayer to get them the hell out of there. The cooking fires under them suddenly go out, the bards disappear, and they are freed from their bonds. (nevermind the fact that they all go crashing to the ground)

MaybeChild (standing up and brushing herself off): Alright, are we going to go kick some evil @$$ or what? I swear, working with men is so FRUITLESS sometimes!

Geb: Hey! We're not fruity!

Sem: FruitLESS, not fruity, stupid... *sigh* Yeah, let's go, Maybe.

Maybe and Sem start to gather together their wits and their magic, and Otter starts to follow suit. Soon Sem transports them all back to Stonehenge where the dark trinity is still idling.

Totally (watching Farr and Wolf duke it out): Cut it out you two! You're both on the same side! (Farr groans disappointedly and takes another pot shot at Wolf)

Suddenly the three evil ones sense the presence of the band of EQ types and turn around. They see Maybe and Sem at the center of a somewhat impressive, movie cliche, shoulder-to-shoulder lineup that includes Otter, Antestarr, Geb, Tusk, and that weird little viking dude. The evil ones' faces become contorted with anger and they face off for battle.

Maybe (quietly, to her compatriots): Wolf is mine.

The good guys split up to handle the bad guys, and it ends up being Sem, Geb, and Tusk against Totallyevil and Antestarr, Otter, and Krig vs Farr. MaybeChild goes to face off against Wolf alone.
Wolf stands before Maybe, smugly doing his staff thing. Rolling her eyes, she points & mutters and a mere tongue of flame reduces Wolf's precious staff to ashes. Proud of herself, Maybe smirks at the now lonely Wolf. Then Wolf realizes he should be mad and starts circling MaybeChild. Meanwhile, she whips out a nail file and starts idly filing away, wondering how much of her time this idiot is going to waste. Finally she gets bored of Wolf not lunging and tells him off.

MC: Ya know, this is a fight. You might wanna do something, ya know, violent?
Wolf: Oh yeah... right.

Wolf leaps at Maybe, and like lightning she spins, her long braid lashing out and striking Wolf across the face with enough force to knock him aside. As he tumbles to the ground, a conjured blaze surrounds him. He yelps with each attempt to get through.

Maybe (almost feeling sorry for him): aww, poor little puppy... Ok enough of that. (puts out the fire and steps up to Wolf) Is that all you've got?

Wolf stands up to his full height and towers over the diminutive MaybeChild. In one fluid motion, he engulfs her in his trench coat, where she finds herself in stifling darkness. Finally she realizes that there isn't much inside that coat, especially in the chest region where a heart should be. Emitting a low hum that turns into a chant, Maybe creates a soft aura of light that grows inside the far reaches of the emptiness within the trench coat. Outside the coat, Wolf is beginning to enjoy what he thinks will soon be a victory, as soon as the pesky cleric-ess runs out of air in that vacuum space. Unfortunately for him, the light she is creating keeps growing and growing, filling the empty space that he is, until finally he explodes in a sticky, bloody mess.

Maybe (standing where Wolf was, amid tattered scraps of leather and splotches of blood here and there): That was easier than I thought...

(PS~ Sorry about the lack of humor, Scott; I just had to do this *eg*)

[This message has been edited by MaybeChild (edited June 14, 2000).]

While the battle with Farr appears to be going well,(It stands encircled, with throwingknives sticking out of the darkness, a lone thumbtack in it's back and various animals attacking it from all sides at Otter's control) Totally is taking a bit more of a pounding.
Geb is fighting a largish skeleton on his own, his Whoop-*** sword having only taken out a few minor carpals, and his shield beginning to give way.
Sem has allready sent 3 pets after totally, who dispatched them all. Tusk, frankly, isn't doing jack.
Meanwhile all 3 are poisoned, have developed fevers, and are having minor, periodic heart attacks, not to mention thier blood is being heated to dangerous levels.....
Maybe walks over, and Sem notices something out of the corner of his eye.
Sem, laying on the ground, rather weakly: "Maybe!"
Geb turns to see what's wrong, and the skeleton punches him directly in the breastplate, then falls apart, and turns to dust, because undead creatures really shouldn't touch holy paladin items.
Wolf has been risen from the dead.... well most of him.... there are a few parts missing.... and is now lumbering vengefully towards Maybe, who Geb runs in and shields from several kicks, while Sem orders the earth to bury Wolf.
Sem: "Maybe! Totally's a Necro! You have to bless the graves or she'll raise them!"
Sem then goes delirious from the fever and starts periodically convulsing, and Geb starts to look not-so-good himself.......

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

Krig, standing calmly in the middle of a raging battle, suddenly smiles. His left eye twitches, and he explodes into action! With a feral growl, he launches himself at Geb, and starts gnawing on his heroic looking shield! Geb tries to shake him off, but to no avail!

"Hey, um, you! Little Viking Dude! What are you doing?" Geb continues to try to shake Krig off.

Krig stops gnawing on the shield, and climbs to the ground. "Krig sorry. Geb shield look tasty."

Just then, Totallyevil bonks Geb on the back of the head with some kind of magicky thing. He falls unconcious.

Uncle Tusk: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Uncle Tusk, thinking that Geb is dead, charges into the battle to avenge Geb's death.

Just then, everybody but Uncle Tusk falls to the ground, unconcious from some kinda unconcious type spell. Or possibly Krig's armpit smell.

Will our heroes wake up in time to save themselves? Or will they be captured and put in some type of dungeon? Will they ever go on a big Quest for the mighty and mythical sword, Malorkus? Will I ever shut up? No, I don't think so!

------------------
My mind is like a sponge, it soaks up a lot... but it leaks

KRIG THE VIKING

Hours later, everyone comes to and sees Krig snacking on some of the parts of Wolf that went kablooey. After glancing around, one to the other, everyone jumps up and resumes the battle exactly where they left off, even Geb who runs his head into a tree so that he'll be unconscious.
As Sem convulses, Maybe rushes into action, whipping out her oldest and thickest prayer book. She leaps dramatically in front of Totallyevil, who happens to be blocking her way to Wolf.

Totally: You think you can smite me with your prayers?
Maybe: Actually? No. (hauls back and whaps Totally upside the head with her prayer book, sending the evil one sprawling to the ground) Jeez, did she think I was actually gonna READ this ancient thing?

As Maybe steps over the temporarily out-of-commission Totallyevil, what is left of Wolf gets out of the dirt and ready to defend itself. But before Maybe can attack, Sem convulses his way to her feet and, ever so weakly, *****es at her.

Sem: A little help here, perhaps?
Maybe: Whoops, sorry Sem. (takes a cross from around her neck and whips out another, smaller prayer book) Hold on, I gotta find it...
Sem (impatient and even more hoarse): JUST DO IT!
Maybe: Yeesh, okay. (mutters a healing prayer as Sem grows progressively stronger) Now, gimme a minute to shmite Wolf again.
Sem: Do it right this time...
Maybe: O ye of little faith...

Maybe stands up to her full (albeit diminutive) height and goes to face Wolf (again). Seeing her raise the big prayer book again, Wolf laughs and ducks at (what he thinks is) the right moment for her strike. Which turns out to be a dumb move, because Maybe whips out her hand from behind her back, bringing her cross swinging up right through Wolf's... uh, body... yeah (decided I'd spare the guys some pain in reading this post). As the cross cuts him clean in half, Wolf lets out an unnatural yelp and calls to Totally. Unfortunately for him, Sem has already called the ground up to swallow Wolf, and no sooner has Wolf been buried than Maybe is laying a blessing on his impromptu grave. Wiping the dirt from her hands as she walks from the grave (no one was saved), Maybe turns to see Totally coming up behind Sem.

Maybe: SEM! GET DOWN!
Sem (looking around): huh? what? S***!!! (he throws himself to the ground as from Maybe's outstretched palm comes a holy flame that engulfs Totally until the evil chick somehow overcomes it and looks around for her brother who has apparently run away) NOT QUITE! (Sem comes from behind and jumps on Totally's back, in a vain attempt to tackle her)
Maybe (sighing): Oh boy... (gets out a rosary-like talisman, starts swinging it around like a lasso, and one with which she is quite good, as she manages to get it around Totally's neck while missing Sem)
Sem dismounts and starts hog-tying his sister when suddenly, a tangled mess of Otter, Antestarr, and Farr falls on top of the two "evil" siblings with Farr laughing hysterically.

Farr: mm-ha!

Just then, out of the sky, there lands a huge Big Boy. Everyone freezes and gasps as the seat of its pants opens and a figure appears at the top of the ramp. Everyone, that is, except Krig.

Krig: All you can eat buffet!

------------------
"Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair!" ~Hair

As slow realization slowly penetrates Krig's brain, he suddenly spits out the piece of Wolf he had been chewing on.

"Ugh! Icky! Krig no like! Taste yucky!" He looks around wild eyed at the group, and the figure at the top of the ramp. "Krig no hungry now. Wolf tast ucky."

Noting a chance to get away, Sem looses no time in cracking open an old enchanter's tome. As he calls earth together to form boulders and large rocks, he quickly casts illusions on all the aventurers, making them look like rocks to blend in.
Totally: "S***!"
Farr: "F***!"
(the late)Wolf: "....."

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited June 15, 2000).]

Now furious, Totally Evil looks up to the ramp.

Totally: It's about time you got here, dad! Tell me you brought the "laser" with you; I gotta blast all these rocks.
Dr. Evil: But Totally, I thought you and your brother got along well...

------------------
"Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair!" ~Hair

Dr. Evil, extending hand: "Sem... I am your father."

[This message has been edited by Krig_the_Viking (edited June 16, 2000).]

What's that you say? Hey everyone! It's Shaft!

*Just then, Shaft entered, putting the public's eye soley on him. This left the growing soap opra between Dr. Evil and his children and the dark trio in the dark. I mean, let's face it, wouldn't you loose interest in everything else if Shaft, the man, were there?*

Antestarr: Damn, it's Shaft. None of us have a chance at any of the women now.

Gebohq: Like we ever had one.

Otter: Speak for yourself, I still say I'm the lady's man...

*The other two give theOtter skeptical looks*

Latest character #47 (whomever that may be): Does anyone else think that the audience is lost in all these new chaarcters that are appearing?

Audience member: Nah, we're too lost in the plot that we're starting to doubt exists to be lost in the characters.

Sem: "well you all speak for yourselves, cuz I got a body that's hard as a rock."
Geb: "I don't suppose that's because you turned us all INTO rocks..... geez fool...."

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

Krig looked around at the dramatic scene which had been stalled for the last several posts.

Krig: "When something gonna happen? Krig bored."

------------------
My mind is like a sponge, it soaks up a lot... but it leaks

KRIG THE VIKING

Krig becomes so bored that he asks sem's rock to conjure up some beer. Suddenly a staff drops from the sky and strikes one of the boulders, causing it to emit a fountain of beer. Uncle Tusk joins in and soon night falls, along with Tusk and Krig who are too smashed to even sit up. In the morning the ground is coverd in small, white mushrooms, which they gather quickly and the rest evaporate. Thus smashed, they approach Totally, who draws up a deep black cloud around them. When the cloud lifts, Krig and Tusk are standing in full wedding dresses, veils and all, wearing enough make-up for 20 people.

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

Krig: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH--ooh, my head..."

Krig runs very slowly away from Totally, careful not to bump his head. Totally watches him in fury.

Whatsisname--Totally's henchman : "He's gradually getting away!"

Totally:"He'll be back. He's got to save the world yet."

Totally looks around at the mysterious boulders, and Uncle Tusk, who was dead drunk again.

Totally:" The do-gooders have left. I'm gonna go take over the world or something."

Totally and Sem's dad:" Oh, what the heck, I'll help you, son."

Totally: "I'm a girl, Dad."

Dr.Evil:"Sure, whatever."

Farr:"Hey, wait for me!"

Totally:"We haven't gone anywhere yet."

Farr:"Oh."

Shaft:"I will use my ultimate force pow--er--free your min--er--I'm gonna kick you guyses buts!"

Unfortunately, Shaft speaks to empty air, as the dastardly trio has left, leaving him dumbfounded, and looking like an idiot!

Shaft: "Forget the bad guys, I got someone else to kill!"

Now, Shaft, you musn't act rashly!

Shaft: "Oh, yeah?"

You can't get me anyway, I'm dead!

Shaft:"I'll find a way. If it takes the rest of my life." (exit stage left)

Gebohq:"Now might be a good time to go a-questing for the legendary sword, Malorkus.(hint hint)"

Otter:"Yes... overcome by sudden urge to quest... must quest..."

Will these unlikely heroes ever go questing? Or will they stay here forever, like a bunch of poorly disguised boulders? Tune in next post to find out!


[This message has been edited by Krig_the_Viking (edited June 19, 2000).]

Geb: Yes, let's go a-questin'. Sem, change us back, then we can be off!

Sem: Er....

Geb: What?

Sem: *looking sheepish* I forgot the spell.

Geb: Urgh...this is going to be difficult. Let's rock and roll!

Maybe: Oh man, Geb! Did you have to make such a bad joke?

Geb: What joke?

Maybe: *sigh* Nevermind.

*The companions slowly rock themselves until they start rolling in unison down a dirt path.*

Ante: *mubling* Remind me to kill Sem with the next ajckhammer we find...

Sem: "Wait, I know! I just need to get to that tome......."
Otter: "Bad news Sem..... Rocks move DOWNhill.... like we just rolled..... the tome is up at the TOP of the hill."
Sem begins cursing randomly, invoking every evil god known, and in the process conjures 13 demons, 27 fiends, 36 dervishes, 3 pit lords, an arch devil, and 54 fire elementals.......
Maybe, looking around at all these new arrivals: "Uhhmmmm Sem..... you know demons fiends and devils have a thing about clerics and paladins right? And you do remember that Geb is a paladin, and remember especially that I am a cleric right?"
Sem: "................"
Maybe: "Sem?"
Sem: "Fuq."
Ante: "Well it could be worse, we all still look like rocks right?"
Just then the illusion spell wears off. Maybe smacks Ante in the back of the head.
Sem: "Fuq."
Otter: "I think whenever Sem says that word it's not a good thing is it?"
Ante: "Well look on the bright side of things.... Sem's got control of the elementals at least."
The elementals made short work of the demons and fiends, and had smashed all but one of the dervishes when the pit lords cracked thier whips and the arch devil gestured with it's scythe and the elementals' embers died.
Sem: "Fuq."

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

Otter:"Please, please go away, Mr. Demon, we want to save the world..."

Just then Krig comes running back into the scene, his headache gone. He takes one look at the situation, then, without stopping, turns around and runs away.

(Looking back over this story, one thing is certain: There's no way on this earth that any human being could possibly predict where the "plot" has gone...)

Sem the writer: "Oh I think I know where the plot has gone....."
*an ominous "flushhhhhh" is heard in the background*

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

*As everyone stands there frightened Otter gets an idear*

Otter:"Oh yeah I forgot."

*Otter waves his hands around and sends the demon through a vortex*

¤Everyone sighs in relief¤

Maybe:"Uh..Otter? Where exactly DID you send the demon?"

Otter:"Hmm...to tell ya the truth I don't really know..."

Ante:"Oh well thats just fuqing great! You don't even know WHERE you teleport people! What the heck are you gonna do next tel--"

Otter(w/ an evil grin):"Would like to find out WHERE he went, Ante?"(points to still open vortex)

Ante "Uh...hehe...thats Uh, quite alright."

Otter:"Alright then. Lets leave it @ that then."(closes vortex)

¤Flash to a Canadian Parliement hearing¤

Head Barrister:"Would the real gentleman from Saskatchewan please stand up, please stand up."

Head Barrister(to himself):"They really need to fix that echo problem."

Man from Saskatchewan:"Yes, thank you sir. I would like to bring to attention line 47 of paragraph 8 of the Candian Constitution which states that under certain conditions a Canadian citizen can hunt beaver during the mon--"(interrupted by giggling)

Man from Saskatchewan(angrily):"Prince Edward Island! New Brunswick! What seems to be so funny?"

*Man from PEI and man from New Brunswick look @ each other and start to giggle again*

Man from Saskatchewan(even angrier):"Well?! What is it?"

Man from PEI:"Its just that you uh said,(man from New Brunswick starts to laugh again)...'beaver'.

*Whole Parliement starts to roar in laughter except for the angry man from Saskatchewan and the man from Quebec that accidentally left his ear translator @ home*

Man from Quebec:"Quá? Je c'est con bleu? Saque pon le bute!"

*Suddenly a vortex appears on the floor and the demon is thrown out of it*

Man from Quebec(stands up):"Je se con le 'BEAVER'!"(and starts to laugh histerically)

*Demon cocks his head @ the man from Quebec, points his finger @ him, instantly exploding him in a flame of fire*

¤Everyone in Parliement starts to clap¤

*Smiling Head Barrister takes off wig and places it on demon's head, demon looks around and grins*

------------------
---------------
"sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun/ if the sun don't come you get a tan from standing in the english rain..."
-The Beatles, Iam the
Walrus

(Woa... coool, Otter. :laughing )

Krig poked his head up over the hill. Seeing that the big large scary guys were gone, he and Uncle Tusk came walking down the hill. Krig put his axe and shield away.

Krig: "Hello. Krig miss anything?"

Sem: "Cute trick Otter, but what do you plan to do about the devil and the pit lords there?"
Otter: "Shut up!"
Sem: "It's a fair question!"
Otter: "Shut up! I'm gonna grow ferns in your armpits if you don't stop!"
Sem: "You shut up, mister big, girly druid man, with your fancy plants and animals!"
Sem suddenly turns into a tree.
Maybe smacks Otter, makes him turn Sem back, then smacks Sem.
Maybe: "Cut it out, we gotta deal with them there guys first, then you can turn each other into rocks and stones and sing all you want!"
Ante shoots an odd glance at Maybe.
Maybe: "Shut up!"
Just then Geb, who nobody had even realized was fighting the lords and the devil collapsed from exhaustion, the whoop-*** sword having totally smacked 2 pit lords.
Maybe: "Crap!"
Sem runs and gets the enchanter's tome and ripps out a page of cleric notes for Maybe, who then mumbles a few things, and Geb returns to full strength.
Sem realizing that the devil could simply decide that the game had gotten old at any moment grabs Maybe's morningstar and gives it to Geb, who bashes the remaining pit lord into oblivion and turns on the devil, swinging at it and missing horribly. As it sings through the empty air it lets out a cold, piercing note and the archdevil is instantly covered in a shimmer of crosses, stars and holy artifacts.
Otter: "Whoa"
Ante: "Whoa"
Maybe: "Whoa"
Geb, covered in chared devil guts:"dude..... WHOOPASS!!!"
Sem, explaining: "When I found that thing in Morris' stomach it was a mere lump of steel, sitting next to a relic. I slaved many long hours over a hot forge to craft it to perfecti...."
Maybe: "Bullsnot!"
Sem: "Ok, ok, it was next to Geb's armor of Or, and I just thought it looked badass and might do something cool."
Ante: "Hey, you think that might work on Totally?"
Sem: "Nah, she's much too powerful, she'd simply resist."
Geb: "Hey..... maybe Porkus Malorkis does something similar? Only much more potent of course"
Sem: "Hmm.... possible..... Maybe, check that page of cleric notes for any references for the Porkus..... There's a few more pages here too....."
Sem hands Maybe 5 more pages from the tome......

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

(Um... my last post goes after Sem's.)

Maybe looked through the pages of cleric notes, and found something.

Maybe:"It says here that the weilder of the Porkus Malorkus will turn into a pig."

Geb:"What? What use is a sword that turns the weilder into a pig?"

Krig:"Sword get food."

Maybe flipped through the pages. "Oh, no, it only turns the weilder into a pig if he's unworthy to weild the Porkus Malorkus."

Geb:"Whew, I didn't want to turn into a pig!"

Uncle Tusk:"Hey, who said you were going to weild the Porkus Malorkus?"

Geb:"Well, I'm the big knighty crusader type guy, I get to weild the big legendary sword! You're just a barbarian anyway!"

Uncle Tusk:"I didn't say I wanted to weild it!"

Maybe:"I've found what the Malorkus does! It... kills evil bad guys."

Sem:"Well, that's informative!"

* * *

Head Barrister:"All in favor of voting Mr. Demon to the position of Head Barrister?"

Parliment ppl:"Aye!"

Head Barrister:"All opposed?"

Man from Newfoundland:"Nay"

Demon looks at man from Newfoundland.

Newfie:"uh, Aye!"

Head Barrister:"It's unanimous! Mr. Demon just took my job!"

------------------
My mind is like a sponge, it soaks up a lot... but it leaks

KRIG THE VIKING

Geb: So where is this elusive pig-turning sword?

Maybe: Um..*flips through her book* it says here that the Porkus Malorkius can be found in an Imperial-occupied fortress...right over there.

*As she emphisised teh word "there", she pointed at the looming fortress next to them, which was huge yet box-like in apperance and appreared to be made of teh same material all over.*

Sem: Looks like the works of a bad editor--er, I mean, constructor here.

Ante: So, are we going in?

Sem: I don't see why not. It can't be that bad...

*Five minutes later, Sem, Ante, Maybe, Geb, Otter, Krig and Uncle Tusk are surrounded by innumerable stormtroopers, AT-ST's, and more in the distant rooms, all shooting at them.*

Sem: Yeup, definately a bad editor. Time for cheat mode, I'd suggest you all do teh same.

*Sem whips out a keyboard from his pocket and starts typing in console commands.*

Krig stared at the big guys in white armour, and the large, moving ostriches made of metal. He looked at the others typeing things into keyboards. He looked at his axe because it was so pretty. He then looked at the guys in white armour again, and noticed that one was futily trying to walk through a wall. Then Krig snapped. Drawing on the insane powers of the Berserker rage, Krig charged forward, brandishing his axe. He hacked a guy in white armour's head three times. Nothing happened. Krig looked around in bewilderment.

"Oh, no! " Gasped Sem. "The worst weapon of all! Bad Lag!"

Geb: "No, hard as it is to belive, it's not the lag..... they just really are that dumb..... like cockroaches, can live 3 days with thier heads chopped off."

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

*Surrounded by brainless stormies on all sides, our plucky heroes needed an escape route, and fast.*

Sem: Hey wait! I have an idea! Activate the SPORK PATCH! *trumpets blare*

Otter: Um..what's that gonna do for us?

Sem: Make things a bit more fun...ok. Everyone should have a grappling hook. Now, everybody shoot teh grapple to the person next to you.

*Everyone grapples as so, being immediately drawn to that person. Sem jumps, and as a result, everyone else jumps too. Not having touched the ground, Sem uses his momentum to push his weight towards the door up in thhe center of the wall.*

Ante: Um..What's a door doing in the middle of the wall?

Geb: A newbie made this place.

Ante: Oh...

*The group makes it to the door, and as they walk through, thousands of turrents begin to shoot them.*

Sem: Oh what the hell..."jediwannabe on", "raccoonking", "deeznuts, deeznuts, deeznuts, deeznuts" "red5", "wamprat",a nd..oh just for fun, "slowmo 1"

Maybe: What the hell was that all about?

Sem: You now all ahve incvicibility, full force, all weapons, all items, and slow motion activated.

Ante: I think we need to cue in some music right about now...

*As the group blows away stormies, turrets, and such, "spybreak" by propellerheads plays in the background. When they finish, Sem takes off the slowmo code.*

*They all then entered a room full of rubber duckies, armed with fricken laser beams attached to their heads.*

Tusk: What's wrong with this picture?

*The daring companions stare at the newest threat to their very existances. The duckies rear back and the lasers begin to glow menacingly. Suddenly, they fire... then stop, inches from the party.*

Geb: What a foolish editor! He put a friggin one way force field between us and the lasers!

*The party gives a sigh of relief. Ante, spotting a convenient mass of boulders strung up by a flimsy net hanging above the duckies, tosses a dagger up to cut the net. The duckies are crushed in the sudden landslide.*

Maybe: Well, I guess we can go on now. Let's climb the boulders to that ornately decorated door with the sign above it that says "This way to the sword".

All: OK!

Ante: Just who did design this level, anyway?

*A neon sign on the wall brightly proclaims "designed by Semievil333"*

Sem: Um... Ok... I was young, inexperienced, and drunk. So sue me.

*Resisting the urge to call their lawyers, the rest continue on through the doorway towards what they seek. They enter a room with lighting shining on a single spot. In this spot is a case. In this case is a strangely decorated weapon, with the end consisting of a curved bowl-like scoop with four prongs protruding from the end.*

Tusk: Oops... we found the not-so-legendary "Sporkus Malorkus"...

Sem: "Sporkus? Sporkus..... hmm...."(flipping through the tome) "Sporkus, sporkus, sporkus, sporkus....... Ah! Sporkus! It says here that when the spork patch is activated the Porkus becomes the Sporkus, with a 5 minute self-destruct timer."
Sem: ".............."
Sem looks at his watch.
Sem: ".............."
Sem: "Fuq"
Geb: "I think that's our cue guys......... RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!"
The whole crew dashes off, with Krig using his smack-down-laying axe to cut a path in the opposite direction from where they had come. The sword explodes leaving the entire fortress in dust, but lo! in the center of the devastation sits the glorious Malorkus! Yes, the Malorkus, the legendary hilt of the Porkus and Sporkus alike, which will, when combined with the Porkus, become a sword of limitless power! Not to mention it will look badass!

------------------
Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

Krig continues to swing his axe at imaginary bad guys.

Krig: "Grr... no need big sword... Krig kill many things!"

Krig hits himself with the side of the axe and falls on his tailbone.

Krig:"Owowowowowow!"

Krig runs around in circles around the group.

Krig:"Owowowowowowow!"

Geb runs up to the Malorkus and goes to grab it.

Maybe: "Wait! If you're not worthy, you'll turn into a pig, remember?"

Geb: "Oh, come on, I'm the guy in the shiny armour, I'm the leader of the group, do you really expect me not to be worthy?"

Sem:"YOU'RE the leader of the group? What are you talking about?? I'M the leader of the group!!"

Tusk: "You're all crazy! I am the leader!"

Everyone looks at Uncle Tusk, then bursts out laughing. Except Krig, who is still running around, rubbing his tailbone.

Tusk, bewildered:"What?"

Geb:"You people can't see past your noses. I lead this group, and I'm gonna prove it!"

Geb grabs the Malorkus, and promptly turns into a pig.

Geb/pig:"Oink-Oops"

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My mind is like a sponge, it soaks up a lot... but it leaks

KRIG THE VIKING

Being the only woman and therefore the only one w/ enough brains in the group, Maybe rolls her eyes and mutters something from a small prayer book, which turns Geb back into a person. She then snatches the Malorkus away from the shocked paladin and grumbles something about "typical men". Then she turs to the rest of the guys.

Maybe: "you guys keep this up and I'm gonna lead the friggin group. jeez, you might think we were actually ORGANIZED enough to have a leader..."

Sem: "Uh, Maybe, have you noticed anything?"

Maybe: "huh?"

Otter: "She didn't turn into a pig!"

Maybe: "oh..." suddenly becomes giddy "OH! GROOVY!"

Ante: "Uh-oh..."

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"No matter what they tell you, you can never have too much sugar..." ~Michael (movie)

*Confidently in front of the group*

Otter:"Well you know guys it does make sense that Maybe gets the Porkus Malorkus--

Maybe(interrupting):"Why Thank You, Otter!"

Otter:"--because ii is fair that all members carry 'swords' w/ them @ all times." ;`]

*Everyone laughs except for Maybe who is scowling @ Otter for making such a Freudian comment and Krig just cause hes Krig*

Krig(confused):"Krig not have sword, Krig have axe."(points to axe)

*Guys start laughing even louder*

Maybe(looks exhausted of the men in the group):"really now..."

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"sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun/ if the sun don't come you get a tan from standing in the english rain..."
-The Beatles, Iam the
Walrus

Sem: "Ok..... now all we need is a new porkus blade..... Unless maybe wants to just beat totally to death with that hilt...."
Maybe: "ehhh, that's ok Sem, just make me a new Porkus."
Sem, muttering: "Make me a new Porkus she says, I wanna kill the monster she says, I wanna be the leader she says..... hmph! all this 'me! me! me!' <sigh>"
Sem cracks open the tome again.
Sem: "Ok Krig I need your axe, and Geb I'm gonna need one of your holy hand grenades."
Krig: "Krig like axe of smack-down! Krig no give!"
Sem calls forth a water elemental who envelopes Krig and gives Sem the axe.
Sem takes the hand grenade and the axe and puts them in a box, pulling out the pin just before closing it. The result is the Porkus.
Sem then combines it in a long, hard ritual with the hilt, yielding the great Porkus Malorkus.
Sem: "There, there you go, nice and pretty little sword."
Sem hands it to Maybe, with a pink lace frill put around the hilt and lining the blade's edges. The guys all begin to laugh hysterically again.
Maybe: "Hey Sem why didn't you turn into a pig?"
Sem: "I made it so I could hold it, I forsaw that problem...... Unfortunately I did not have the spells to make it wieldable handy..... thus the frilly lace..... clerics aren't any more worthy of wielding a slashing weapon than a paladin is to use a blunt weapon, which is why Geb went porky on us when he tried to use the hilt...... Geb would be able to wield it now had he not allready tried.... once the sword decides your unworthy you go pig...... period..... so try not to mess up the lace too much....."
Maybe mutters something under her breath about Sem, but it goes unheard.

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Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

(before Maybe's last post)
Geb the writer: Mmm..pork...
------------
Geb: Hey! Don't even think about it...

*The others grumble as they put away their knives, frying pans, and "Pork, the other white meat" cookbooks.*

Geb: I will use the power of the storywriter to change myself back....
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*Hanging on the corner of the cubicle that Geb the writer works at is a sign that says "Off to lunch"*
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Geb: ....the power has failed me! Maybe, quick! Change me before I eat myself!

(And after everyone's posts...)

Geb: So...we can go whoop Total-arse now?

Krig: Krig want to smash evil woman.

Sem: Yes, let's.

Maybe: Hey everyone, look! If you turn on the SPORK patch, you can get the Sporkus to appear on the other side. We have a duel-weapon malorkus now!

Ante: Um...Maybe, did you not remember the self-destruct on that thing?

Maybe: Oh yeah, oops. Well, at least the PPV ratings will jump now that we have a timer on this battle.

Sem: True true...

Otter: (to Geb) So what would happen if a pig wielded the Porkus Malorkus?...

(What do you mean the ending is predictable? Of course Totally isn't going to be impaled at the last second and then have the whole thing blow up...*Quick guys! Change the ending!*)

Krig:"Ending? ENDING? You read title of story again! No end! Only more!"

Geb: There there Krig, don'tcha worry. I was merely talking about the end of our little predicament.

*All the others mumble and grumble about having to write soem more.*

Geb: Come on guys! We still have to beat Massassi's largest post, which was almost 900 posts. We can do it!

*Protesters start to rise. They are proptly eaten by Morris the Cat.*

Geb: ...it's not a matter of where it grips it! It's a matter of pig/sword ratio! If the wielder of the Porkus Malorkis is more pig than human before wielding it, then naturally, the sword's pig-turning mechanism will backfire and turn itself into a pig.

Otter: Maybe all pigs are just worthy of wielding the sword--

*Terribly annoyed at the pointless debate, Maybe breaks in, swinging the Malorkis carelessly in front of them.*

Maybe: Look here, pigs can't wield swords! Don't you understand that?

*Several moments of silence followed, when the two began debating once again. Maybechild sighed, and after many days, the heroes finally reach abck to Stonehedge. On one of the big rocks, they find a note. Antestarr peels the Post-it note off the rock. It read:

"Got bored waiting. We're at Disney World if you want us." --The Evil family and Farr

Sem: I bet the kids are gonna love 'em. Come on, let's get a move on it.

*Meanwhile, in Disney World...*

Totally: But dad! I wanna ride Space Mountain!

Dr. Evil: Now now sweet daughter, you'll get your chance once daddy scares off the others in line.

Farr: (in a typical evil-voice) Wouldn't it be easier if we actually tried something that we know would work?

Dr. Evil: Shh! We're using the fleet of cyber-pigeons and ridiculously slow-charging laser, and that's final!

Farr: Bu-
Dr.: Sh!
Farr: B-
Dr.: Sh-sh!
Farr: Totally, he-
Dr.: Sh! --Sh! That was a pre-emptive "sh". Just remember, I got a full bag a "sh" with your name on it.

*Elsewhere in Disney world...*

kid with mother: Look mommy! That guy in the grey robe is funny looking!

mother: Now now, don't bother the bearded man.

man: My name is Merlin, ma'am, and I suppose you don't know where the nearest magical swirl back to Sol would be, would ya?

Sem the writer: "I'm bored.... this story is doing nothing but swimming around th-....."
*FLUSH*
Sem the writer: "Ok..... This story is gone!"
Sem suddenly changes back to his old skeletal self and opens his cloak to reveal an imense aresenal of weapons that look suspiciously like those of Half-Life.
Sem: "Ok.... here's the plan..... I shoot the crap out of anything and everything affiliated with Totally at disney world, Maybe gets Totally, Otter will make the roots of all the plants hold down Farr while Tusk, Krig, and Geb beat the living shazbot out of him and.... hmmm..... Ante.... umm.... can umm..... go on all the rides!!! Ok.... let's move!"
Maybe, seeing that Sem is now a skeleton reacts to her anti-undead impulses and expulses him without thinking.
Sem:<grunting in pain> "Ok.... new plan"<squeak>
Sem collapses into a heap of bones and ammunition covered by his cape.
Krig: "Ohhhhhh.... neato spell!!!!!"
Krig applauds enthusiastically.

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Speeling is a state of mind I prefer not to occupy.

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited July 01, 2000).]

Krig stops clapping after five minutes. He looks around for a moment, then starts jogging down the road, away from the group. The group stops arguing and looks at him.

Geb:"Where's he goin?"

Pile-of-Sem:"I think he's goin to Disneyland to take on the Bad Guys."

Maybe:"But he's going in the wrong direction!"

Ante:"Maybe he's going the long way--around the world."

At the mention of 'around the world', Uncle Tusk whips out a yo-yo and does 'Around the World'.

Geb:"Maybe we should follow him."

* * *

Back in the Canadian Parliment, the banished Demon walks into the House of Commons.

Some guy in the Press box:"Hey, look, its the Prime Minister!"

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My mind is like a sponge, it soaks up a lot... but it leaks

KRIG THE VIKING

Ante: But we have less than five minutes before the Malorkus explodes! And we're gonna go the long way?

Sem: Yes. Come on, if the planet Namek can take a five minute explosion 20 episodes, each a half-hour long, why can't we?

Ante: You've got a point...