...A smart one... god help us all... a smart one...

JediKirby (as a ravages san fran) - Who's this new NeS writer? He talks in big words, and he's intellegently funny... I don't like that... Wait, arent I supposed to be talking in Krig language? Eh?

Oh well...

*Toon in next time because you've nothing better to do*

NSP: Hey, if you're in to video games, go to my website www.geocities.com/the_realm_of_the_games
and drop me a line, maybe you can write for us?

------------------
And finally, the (test) site is:
http://editorsheaven.hypermart.net/jedikirby

Well, its nice to see some people like it. I would like to become a writer for NeS as I have many many ideas that can be used. However, I'd like to know what everyone thinks about it before I start writing (is there an initiation? ). Geb thinks I worry too much about it, but I feel more secure knowing what people really think.

*NSP: I am Antestarr. From the dark into the dark I show up and dissipate from the moon to the mstars. Er... wait... wrong intro. Right. So, 36 pages later I've decided to "introduce" myself, taking a cue from Monsieur Otaku there (oo. french. intellectual.). So, anyway, I currently reside in a technologically superior space station that uses cloaking technology to maintain an earth orbit while not being detected by all you down there. I then use my near-limitless resources to manipulate world leaders into acting in ways that help me out... I'm still working on controlling the middle east, but once I manage to turn their oil into coke, I think they'll start talking. However, I must now be back to my work adjusting the stock market so that only Greenspan knows what's going on. If you have any requests, please feel free to drop a suggestion by my secretary. Hopefully she won't eat you first.

Oh, and Erik. Your post was the most horrible piece of slime I'd ever seen grace the pages of this thread. Honestly, you're worse than one sentence thread-killers. And trust me, I do horrible horrible things to them... Try not to do it agian. </sarcasm>*

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited November 20, 2002).]

(NSP: Ahhhh, I'll post soon, really I will, just gimme a bit. I swear! =P)

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake"

"You can't have everything, where would you put it?"

NSP: I'll post soon, really I will.....I swear!!!....jeez =P

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake"

"You can't have everything, where would you put it?"

(NSP: Don't stress over it too much Kyle --there are many more other NeS writers who are overdue for a post more so than you (liked Haggis, whom after chasing down, made the post asking me not to kill him. I'm still thinking that one over ). Of course, I'm not one of those said-writers *coughbigfatliecough*--I've been waiting on Krig to make a post first before I do *coughIamlazyandgavemyselfanexcusecough*.

And not that it really matters, since NeS tends to go its own direction, but do any of you have any requests for what NeS should go into next? I seem to remember Ford wanting a "NeS: The college years" or something...just figure I'd encourage some more posting, even if they are NSP's, while waiting for the current "point-and-click game" story to wrap up in the relatively-near future.)

And now for some NeS

An old berely man changes the channels on his television:

"JediKirby ©. Ravaging San Fran Sisco since 3 weeks ago!"

"I'm ying hu jackuzimama reporting in for NENBC (Never Ending News Brodcast Channel) live in San Fran Sisco, where the 100 foot tall Krig-JediKirby is ravaging like a mad-100foot-cream-puff."

"Today on Jari Winger, we have JediKirby's family here with us. Vidalia, tell us about your son...

'He was a good boy, never had anything to say bout no one else, nope. Even though all the other kids uld make fun of em, on accounta him bein a big pink Kirby, he still kept to emself. Never came out of his room much. And he always asked if he could make his own food with es ezbake oven, he'd always ask for a big butcher knife too... never really understood wh..."

"We interupt your local television station to bring you an adress from the president...

Bush: Hello my fellow Americans. You may have recently heard about the trajic events that *dramatic bush pause (dbp)* have been troubling Americans in the San Fran Sisco area. Thousands of lives are *dbp* being taken by the self aclaimed *bush holds his hands up, making the quote finger thingies* "Krigasized jediKirby". Let me assure you, that as your *dbp* president, I will do everything in my power to rid america of this *finger quote* "Evil Doer". be fruaght to know that *finger quote* "Super Man" is on his way to stop *fq* "The Bad Guys" because *dbp* that's what he does. Americans will be able to live peacfully after we drop an experimental *fq* 'Bush Bomb' trade mark, on this *fq* "Bad Guy" America can get back to the simple pleasures of paying for an oil line running through afganistan. America is good, God is good, God Bless *dbp* america, Die *fq*"Evil Do-' "

KJK slams a large arm into the oval office and picks up bush, throwing him into his mouth, he gains a suit and an annoying finger quote move, plus has a pause in every sentence. Bushasized, Krigasized Jedi Kirby (bkjk) spits bush out, then continues to ravage San Fran Sisco (yes, he ran all of the way to washington and back, why wouldn't he?!?!)

TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE IF JEDIKIRBY WILL CONTINUE TO RAVAGE!!!!?????

nsp: lame?

btw, am i like the only one that likes to post lately?

------------------
And finally, the (test) site is:
http://editorsheaven.hypermart.net/jedikirby

(NSP: MZZT's been posting a bunch with you Kirbs, as well as Erik just a few days ago with his first post. As for myself...*points to his last NSP*

Along with the school stuff digging into our lives, I feel that this substory, by its nature in purpose, was too restrictive for most of the writers here, and thus got less posting, which is why I hope to wrap it up soon. Unfortunately, I haven't heard a single word from Tracer (who originally wanted to do the NeS game), so besides my excuse given in my last NSP, I feel a bit unsure of continuing on without hearing from him.

Course, SOME writers *coughSemievilcough* here have just been too busy with other things *coughIcewindDalesIIcoughAlphaCentauriothergamesHACKwheeze* to post their MULTITUDE of ideas that they keep expecting ME to post FOR them *coughSemievilisbeinglazierthanAntestarrCOUGHwheeze*. Man, I should really look into that cold of mine... Oh yeah, can't forget the--)

u13e12 13.|_|./\/\.|*.><012 uv DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!1[/b]

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 25, 2002).]

B.U.M.P.

<NSP> Yo folks, I didn't get a ton of feedback but apparently the ones that did liked it. Anyway, for some reason today I had the urge to write something, so I decided to continue with my characters. Eventually they will mold with it or just fade. This time I decided to leave the sitcom stuff and move toward random questing. This was also not only extremly spontanous, but was done in < 1 hour. Enjoy.


Key:

GS: Game Show host
Mam: Mammoth
Mark: Mark Hamill
PWM: Paradoxical Wise Man
Erik the Writer: Self explanitory


</NSP>


* The last time we left the gang, they were leaving the unemployment office slightly depressed.

Mam: Don't you have the weirdest feeling like we are being followed?

GS: Actually, all I'm feeling is that our writer couldn't possibly be any more unoriginal and cliche than that.

Mam: No, I'm serious... <LoTR>It's Mark, he's been following us for the last 2 hours.</LoTR>

* GS rolls his eyes and shakes his head. He gazes at the clouds and mumbles softly.

GS: "Why Me?"

Erik The Writer: Let's call it a cruel irony. You now must rely on someone who is like all those other morons that bowed before you and did anything for a prize.


GS: Fine.... fine... <sarcasm>Why is he following us?</sarcasm>

Mam: He's looking for this. *points to lightsaber*

GS: Wait wait, are you sure he's not just dumb? *snickers*

* Hunching around corners, Mark eyes his prey with an adamant look.

* Completely unthreatened, the two start walking again.

* Mark continues to follow them until they come to another unnecessary standstill.

GS: You know, by stopping you are only enocouraging him.......

Mam: He was setting a trap for us.

GS: *sighs*

* GS walks forward oblivious to the sterotypical coiled rope set on the ground.

* And in one of the saddest moments of history (you chose who it would be for), as GS steps right into the loop, the actual trap springs, as the floor collapses from underneath of him. He falls hard to the bottom but collects himself in a hurry.

* Mark quickly scrambles to the hole to gaze upon his victim.
Every movement of his body produces slimy, repugnant noises.
His cohered lips slowly break open and he speaks with a macabre voice.

Mark: Myyyyyyyyy...... Preeeecioussss.

* Mark then realizes that it was Mammoth who had the lightsaber.
He jumps in Mammoth's direction, forgetting that Mammoth is indeed, a MAMMOTH.

* Mammoth closelines Mark

GS: Either that trap was completely ingenious, or he is the biggest moron ever...

Well, considering that the rope tied to the tree is now hanging down here, I'm going to have to go with the second option.

* GS climbs up the rope and dusts himself off.

Mam: The evil foe has only been stunned, we must keep moving!

GS: Um, you realize you are talking about Mark Hamill right?

Suddenly!

* A middle-aged japanese man floats down toward them wearing a traditional Shinto outfit. He wastes no time and begins to talk.

?????: Your giant friend is right, you must keep travelling.

GS: Um.... Who are you?

?????: You cannot know my name, as I have none. I am the paradoxical wise man who leads you in the right direction of your quest.

GS: Um, k..

PWM: Your friend is right, Mark will not stop until he gets his lightsaber back. It must be destroyed.

<<Begginning of Inner conflict>>

GS: Okay, wait up, wheres the writer. First off, why should we be afraid of Mark, and second, wasn't there already a Lord of the Rings paraody done a few pages earlier?

Erik the Writer: Look, unlike most narrorators, I am omnipotent. Just because I wasn't here when they wrote it doesn't mean I shouldnt be able to write one. Besides, I am a LotR freak. So get going or I will really get mad at you.

GS: Yea, but you can't do anything to me. From what I can tell, I am the good guy. You can just make the bad guy win.

Erik the Writer: Ha.......... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....... oh man I haven't laughed like that in a while. The writer can't change the story.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

GS: Okay Okay, I get the point, but I have two questions. First, since I am your creation and you DO chose what I write, then aren't you just arguing with yourself right now?

Erik the Writer: ........................................

GS: And if you killed me, you would be killing your own creation then, almost as if the writing you just did had no meaning. It would diminish one of the 4 characters that you created. I mean, a game show host, an alien whos name is alien spelled backwards, a mammoth of whom was ACTUALLY created by Antestarr, and Mark Hamill, who really doesn't require any writing to make people laugh. I'd like to say that it sounds a bit original but really it sounds very unoriginal as it sounds like you were trying too hard to be random. What's even more pathetic is that at this very moment you are using me to completely insult yourself and your writing to your audience so that you can compensate your crappy writing for their pity.

* GS "spontaneously" combusts

* Erik the Writer runs away and cries where nobody can see him. After Cooling off he walks back to the computer and starts again.

* Erik the Writer uses his amazing writing powers to bring GS back to NeS.

Erik the Writer: Remember, I can do ANYTHING when it comes to my own post. I brought you back because death is too nice for you. I decided that you shall remain in limbo for a while.

GS: Not LIMBO! The most horrible place to be for all eternity. Not life nor death, just eternal suffering. But, when am I going?

Erik the Writer: You are already there!

GS: You mean.....

Erik the Writer: Yes, limbo is otherwise known as... NeS. You shall remain in NeS for all eternity (or until either a higher power overrules the decision, or the story ends..).

GS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

Erik the Writer: Thats right, don't argue with me or make me mad ever again.

GS: Don't you mean with yourself?

Erik the Writer: ...... Okay, enough of this, on with the story.

<<End of Inner conflict>>

Sorry about that folks, back to our lovely story

GS: Okay PWM, why do we have to destroy the lightsaber?

PWM: It is the only true way of preventing Mark from having it..

GS: Whats wrong with Mark having his stupid flashlight....

PWM: FOOOL!!!!!!! *thunderclap for effect*. You have neglected him for it too long. Remember how obnoxious he used to be? Take that and multiply it by 10... Imagine the horror.......

GS: Okay, now that actually does scare me a bit.
But how do we destroy it?

PWM: You must take it to where it was forged... Hollywood Studio 1337. Then you must cast it into the fiery... er smelly depths of the dumpster out back..

PWM: But be careful, the everwatching Eye of Lucas is waiting for you to arrive. Another minor character will fill you in when you approach Hollywood.

Mam: We now must embark on this quest, as Mark will be getting up soon.

PWM: Wait, for now, you will need at least one more companion. Two people is too few (and yes I see the irony in this statement since Frodo and Sam pretty much tackle the destruction of the ring quest on their own, think of this as an Anime theory), so you shall have one more. Also, this time it will be a female, as they can be crafty and it allows the writer's jokes to double when you go from 1 sex to 2 sexes.

Mam & GS: Heh, all right.

PWM: To make it even more interesting, this character will have magic, although she normally does not. Fanservice is a wonderful thing isn't it?

Mam & GS: Okay, magic chick, whatever. Hurry hurry!

PWM: Ah, unfortunatly for you the writer is displeased with you, althought I don't know why...

* Mam glares at GS

PWM: You will be teamed up with the now magical <Evangelion>Asuka Langley</Evangelion>. Have fun. Just try to not be perverted and you will live.

Mam & GS: Crap...

PWM: She will be joining you when you venture out. She will be waiting for you at the inn of the <Antestarr>Katana Kowboy</Antestarr>

Mam: Then I guess we had better leave.

GS: One last question, wasnt that whole Mark Hamill thing following us a bit out of order?

PWM: It was thrown in to confuse you. Also it was needed for transition so that you could begin your quest.

GS: Ah, thats actually not a terrible idea. Anyway, we better get started, I don't want to be here when Mark gets up.

PWM: Good luck looser... i mean, oh brave ones.

GS: Will we ever see you again?

PWM: You forget, I only start you off. Then I am cast away to avoid more plot and extra payment of an actor for the possible movie. Don't worry, there are plenty of other minor characters that you will meet along the way. Just remember, our writer is not very original...

GS: Very well. We will leave you to fade. Good bye.

PWM: Take care, and remember, MAY THE FORCE BE WI,.....

*PWM is cut off as he too combusts.

Erik the Writer: Sorry about that folks, sometimes those minor characters try to go out of character and make themselves feel special. He was dealt with. Carry on narrator.

* The newly promoted heroes set off on their way to get Asuka, before starting what will be the biggest adventure of their lives... maybe.

<<Post Script>>

Mark: They were actually expecting for me to get up anytime soon......
Try getting closelined by a mammoth.....
Anything............ for my precious!!!!

<<End Post Script>>

NSP: Okay, I'll start the wheels turning for the final confrontation type bit in a few hours...

FROG.

*As TVLTE continues his hilarious conquest of the globe, Tracer and Michael approach the Siberian village.*

Tracer: "You keep a look out, Agent, while I request further instructions from headquarters."

Michael: "What are you talking about? We barely even have a headquarters, and the only person there is Janitor Bob..."

*Regardless, Tracer begins muttering to his watch in code words.*

Michael: "...and even if your Timex does somehow connect you with the Hall of Heroes, Janitor Bob isn't going to understand you because you're making all of those words up."

*But Tracer is in full secret agent mode, and pays no attention to Michael MacLongname. Michael sighs, sits down on a nearby bench, and begins chatting to a cossack.*

Michael: "So, what town is this, comrade?"

Cossack: "Greetings, American traveller. You must be weary and famished from your long journey."

Michael: "Yes, a little, but -"

Cossack: "Perhaps you would like to retire to my domicile for a traditional Russian meal. My spouse is an excellent cook."

Michael: "That's very considerate, but I really need to know where we are."

Cossack: "Or if cuisine is not to your interest, could I interest you in the ancient Russian game of chess?"

Michael: (waves his hand in front of the Cossack's face) "Um, are you listening to me?"

Cossack: "I am familiar with many famous stratagems, including the Politovsky Maneuver, the Blind Lenin, the Stalingrad Switch -"

Michael: "Hello? Hello?"

*Michael pokes the Cossack, who's left eyeball pops out.*

Cossack: "- Trotsky's Triumph, the Mishkin Dash -"

Michael: "Does the fact that your left eye just fell out bother you at all?"

Cossack: "ERROR. ERROR. THIS UNIT DUE FOR MAINTENANCE."

Michael: "I beg your pardon?"

Tracer: (looks up from his watch) "Good Lord! Agent MacLongname! They're all communist robots! It's a trap!"

*Tracer draws a pistol and puts several holes in the Cossack's chest. The robot collapses to the ground in a mess of springs and wiring.*

Cossack: "BZZT - THIS UNIT UNDER ATTACK. SEND REINFORCEMENTS - FZZZZT." (explodes)

Tracer: (to his watch) "Kappa andromeda romeo! Kappa andromeda romeo! Come in, over!"

*Tracer draws a second pistol and leaps into bullet-time, blasting robots left and right. Michael MacLongname draws his gun and leaps into a brick wall, blasting into unconsciousness.*

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited November 29, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited November 29, 2002).]

michal mclongname awakes to find himself in a waist high pile of commiebot scraps. he moves left and his hand touches a power cell ZZAPP!

Michael MacLongname: (suckling his fingers) "That really hurt. Maybe I should stop doing it."

*Michael continues to prod, fondle and jab the wreckage with his hand, receiving a comical shock each time.*

Michael: "Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Hey, I wonder what happened to Tracer."

*Indeed.*

*Michael hauls himself out of the wreckage. Aside from smashed robots, the town is completely empty.*

Michael: "Huh. The town is completely empty."

*Michael wanders around, looking for any sign of humanity. Eventually, he comes to a metal storm door jutting out of the ground. A giant robot communist, armed to the teeth with all manner of machine guns, missiles and lasers, towers over it.*

Michael: "Greetings, friendly robot. If you don't mind, I'd like to explore the area beyond that door."

Russian Deathbot: "No."

Michael: (blinks)

Russian Deathbot: (ignores Michael)

Michael: "Please?"

Russian Deathbot: "Intruder detected. Defense grid online."

Michael: "Uh..."

*Meanwhile, in the past, Krig and CookedHaggis are loitering outside of the Evil Matress Discounters factory warehouse store.*

CookedHaggis: "Call me crazy, old chap, but I'm feeling a mite apprehensive about entering this particular building."

Krig: "Krig agree with Haggis. Use might!"

CookedHaggis: "Now wait just a minute -"

*Paying no heed to his partner, Krig barges throught the door. And by 'through the door,' I mean through the door.*

Krig: "Krig see many beds."

*A slick salesman zeroes in on Krig.*

Salesman: "Yes, we have quite the selection here at Evil Matress Discounters. Can I take you to the show room?"

Krig: "Krig sleep on viking bed of prickly thorns."

Salesman: "Well, I think we can do a bit better than that. If I can direct your attention over here (he puts an arm on Krig's shoulder and points with his free hand) to the new line of Sleeptronic Computerized Rest Matresses..."

*CookedHaggis trots up.*

CookedHaggis: "Terribly sorry about the front door, my good man. I'm afraid my associate here gets a bit overzealous at times."

Salesman: "Not to worry, friend. I was just explaining the latest improvements in sleep technology to your buddy here. Care to listen?"

CookedHaggis: "I appreciate the offer, Mister...(squints at the sales guy's nametag)...er...Satan, but we really need to be on our way."

Satan: "Are you sure you wouldn't like a brief demo? (affectionately pats the Sleeptronic) This baby's one hundred percent quality manufactuing, straight from the Republic of Yemen."

CookedHaggis: "Yemen?"

Krig: "Smallish african banana republic."

Satan: (chuckles) "Banana repbulic? Oh, that's rich."

Krig: "What Satan getting at?"

Satan: "Sir, The Republic of Yemen has been declared capitol of the world by our leader and patron saint The Very Last True Evil." (breaks into maniacal laughter)

CookedHaggis: "Well, that clinches it. We've got to get to Yemen and put an end to The Very Last True Evil once and for all!"

*Krig and Haggis dash out of the store.*

Satan: "Have a nice day! We appreciate your patronage!"

*When we last left Michael, he was about to be destroyed by a Soviet robot...*

Russian Deathbot: (advances on Michael) "Destroy. Destroy."

Michael: (slowly backing away) "Keep away from me, you filthy robot!"

Russian Deathbot: "Intruders will be neutralized."

Michael: "Somebody save me!"

*With that, the commiebot extends one of its large, brutal-looking claw hands and picks up Michael, slowly but inexorably raising him upwards until Michael is held mere inches from its mechanical face.*

Russian Deathbot: (looking Michael straight in the eye) "Intruders must be terminated."

Michael: "I'm too young to die..."

Russian Deathbot: (points his laser arm at Michael, and then stops) "Possible error. Detecting disruptive magnetic fields in the vicinity."

Michael: "Magnetic fields...? But of course! My belt buckle!"

*Michael affectionately pats his Official Hero of the NeS Magnetic Belt Buckle, which is currently holding up his Official Hero of the NeS Pants.*

Russian Deathbot: "Error...hard disk has become fragmented. Do you wish to run the disk defragmentor utility?"

Michael: "Uh...sure."

Russian Deathbot: "Defragmenting - please wait."

*Horrible grinding sounds emit from the Russian Deathbot's head. Michael extracts himself from the claw's grip, hops down, and throws open the storm door.*

Michael: (readying his pistol) "Game over, TVLTE. I'm coming for you."

*And so once again the day is saved by an inanimate object! Tune in next time for more exciting adventures!*

*Meanwhile, roughly 20 miles from the heart of Yemen, with a thin trail of carnage in his wake, TVLTE watches Michael McLongname through Bot-Cam on his spy watch.*

McLongname: *crackle*..Watch out TVLTE. I'm coming for you...

*Shutting off the watch, TVLTE gazes wistfully into the smoke-choked sky.*

TVLTE: Ahhh...Michael, my one-time friend...

*A hazy flashback to page 21 begins. In fast-motion, we see a dapper-looking TLTE saving a beautiful woman's life. That woman is Losien. TLTE's stereotypically macho charming approach doesn't work on the liberated woman, and she leaves him destitute and unhappy in a nearby bar. Alone in a strange new thread, the young Russian spy enquires about an old friend, Gebohq, and is nearly killed for it. Just when things are about to go from bad to hideous, a new man walks in....Michael.*

TVLTE: My 17-page old acquaintance...

*A montage of images ensues, to the tune of War's "Why Can't We Be Friends?": TLTE in his various forms, and a steadily ageing and wisening Michael, sharing the good and bad times together, as friends and enemies. Slapping each other on the back; duelling with swords atop steep castles and battling with modern-age weaponry in various apocalyptic scenarios; sharing their many women together; crying into each others shoulders, and so on. It eventually finishes with a black and white still image of the two shaking hands: the union of America and Russia, complete and shamefree at last.*

TVLTE: (Wiping a nostalgic tear from his eye) Maybe Michael will join me...if not, he can be destroyed with the rest of the pitiful NeS crew!

*And with that, TVLTE resumes his quest, turning to face the next NATO Squadron...*

NSP: TLTE cordially invites Michael McLongname and his NeS associates to Yemen for an hilarious armaggeddon-esque showdown. Black tie, B.Y.O. weapons of mass-destruction.

Edit: Just saw previous post about Yemen, changed accordingly to suit other writers. My apologies, thanks for acknowledging and taking part in my plot...

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited December 04, 2002).]

You know, I'm too lazy to read all that, so I'll read it this weekend...

------------------
And finally, the (test) site is:
http://editorsheaven.hypermart.net/jedikirby

<NSP>

Key:
ALS: Asuka Langley Sohryu (Eva)
GS: Game Show Host
Mam: Mammoth
ETW: Erik the Writer
Door: Self explanatory

When you see the curly brackets {english translation here}, it's to translate the Japanese words/phrases in that line.

Sorry, I meant to have this right after the second post but I ran out of time and since I wrote it in class (on paper) and left it at the dorm, I wasn't able to POST this until today.

</NSP>


* When we last left our heroes (page 38), they were on their way to stare the devil in the face…. and she is on THEIR side……

GS: Okay remember, be polite and keep conversation to a minimum. I think its pretty obvious what we are dealing with here so there’s no reason to do anything unnecessary.

*GS and Mammoth approach <Evangelion> Asuka Langley Sohryu </Evangelion> and she turns to acknowledge them.

Mam: Ohayou! *smack* {Hello/Good Morning}

* Asuka lays a hard right straight into Mammoth’s face and he flies back in a spiral motion hitting the ground with a large thud.

ALS: (under breath) Baka… {idiot, moron, etc}

* Mammoth rises slowly and dusts himself off. He then points to the abbreviation of her name in the post.

Mam: Hahaha, hey Asuka, A/L/S? *SMACK*

* Asuka gives a strong roundhouse kick to Mammoth that sends him back to the ground

Mam: x_x

ALS: Erik, please do something about that.

ETW: Done. I have now changed the key to be “Asuka: Asuka Langley Sohryu”

Asuka: Arigatou! {thank you}

Mam (faintly): Hey, wait just a darn minute… *Thwak*

* Asuka knocks Mammoth out.

* Mammoth feigns unconsciousness as he just barely recovers from the blow and just listens to the conversation…

* Asuka glares at GS

Asuka: Are you gonna be a jerk too?

GS: No, I just want to complete the mission…

Asuka: Good! Let’s keep it that way. We need to focus on speed and skill rather than play your stupid buddy-buddy games.

* Asuka quickly glances at Mammoth.

Asuka: Speaking of speed, how did you get through the old forest so quickly?

GS: Uh…. We didn’t go through the forest…

Asuka: AND WHY NOT?? This is a LOTR spoof which means we will coverall of the important parts. You must go through the old forest and meet Tom Bombadil, the ruler of the forest.

Asuka: Yeesh, next thing I know, you’ll be asking me if we can just ride my mech all the way to Hollywood…..

GS: Actually, um…. yea?

* Asuka becomes enraged and begins to yell when GS interrupts.

GS: Eer, nevermind. Basically, they didn’t go through the old forest in the movie, so we figured it wasn’t important enough to do so.

Asuka: You will both go back and go through the old forest. I will be waiting here for your arrival. I REFUSE to make the same mistake the movie did by cutting out an extremely significant part of the book.

* Mammoth slowly gets up..

* Asuka glares at Mammoth and GS

GS & Mam: *SIGH*

ETW: Well done Asuka, that’s my girl. I heard the funniest rumor that they originally shot the old forest scenes with Christopher Walken as Tom Bombadil. However because of that, those few scenes doubled the length of the movie and had to be cut from the final version.

Asuka: Arigatou Erik-sama, watashi wa tsuneni anata no tame no watashi no mottomo yoi suru koto wo katai okonau! {Thank you (My Master) Erik, I always try to do my best for you}

ETW: I love being a writer…

GS: So where is this glorious forest anyhow?

ETW: Oh once you get back, just head 1 block south and 2 blocks east, through the alleyway.

GS & Mam: *Groan*

* GS & Mam make the long hike back toward their apartment

Many many moments later

GS: Okay, we are here. This old forest better be pretty DA/\/\N spectacular.

Mam: The entrance is locked…. Shall we climb the wall?

GS: No idiot, they probably hid a spare key under the grassmat!

*GS pulls up a slab of grass and discovers a golden key perfectly placed. He takes the key and places the key into the keyhole of the old worn door. A nice cliché clicking sound is made as the key turns on its own and disappears into the lock.

GS: See, it’s that easy. These situations are always way too predictable.

Mam: Wow, I guess I still have a lot to learn.

*GS attempts to push the door open when three panels rotate 180 degrees to reveal: a retinal scanner, fingerprint scanner, and a voice recognition unit.

Door: Identification verification required.

GS: GRRRRRRRRRR, DA/\/\N NeS, PLEASE MAKE SOME SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE THIS.

* GS bangs his head on the door in mental anguish.

GS: How are we supposed to get through now *continues banging head on the door while kicking it at the same time*

Mam: Oooh, let me try. That looks like fun.

* Mammoth kicks the door with a horizontal boot motion at the door, plowing through it and knocking the 10’ oak masterpiece to the floor with a thundering pound.

GS: …..…..…..…..…..…..…..…..…..…..…..

Door: The identification you have used is…. Satisfacto……………..*whirr* *die*

*GS shifts his hands in a scale like motion with 1 thought in each hand. Stupidity in the right hand, NeS in the left.

GS: (mumbling) Okay what was that…. stupidity or NeS…….. stupidity… NeS….

Mammoth: Hey look, the door opened. I guess my foot matched all the tests!

*GS’s right hand rapidly falls to the floor.

GS: Of course…. NeS is just the fact that I’m traveling with a Mammoth and an anime character to get rid of Mark Hamill’s lightsaber……….

* GS gives out a long long sigh and collects himself.

GS: Well Mammoth, lets get going, sitting around only allows the writers to become more cruel.

* Remembering why they had to go through the old forest in the first place (Asuka), our heroes step through the doorway with determination and hatred.


[This message has been edited by erik_otaku (edited December 05, 2002).]

B.O.I.N.K.

In a small television, in a tumble-down shack in a time-traveling jetliner in a creepy old amusement park, HBO is showing, for the hundredth time, Star Wars: A New Hope. Only this showing of SW:ANH is slightly different. See, some time-traveling heroes from the future used a Holy Receiver on the back of the aforementioned television to get sucked into the boob tube and then into the movie itself, thereby altering the course of events in the movie's plot. Due to their presence, a Big Giant Ship has appeared out of nowhere, and is hovering by the Death Star, which didn't get blown up because the aforementioned heroes had accidentally offed Luke before he could get into his X-Wing. Only when they did that, it was the first time around, not when they were time traveling from the future. It's complicated. Anyhow, the end result is that Maybechild and the Otter, come from the future, have wound up on board the Big Giant Ship, and are waiting for something to happen.

*Otter lands hard on the metal floor of the Big Giant Ship, smacking his head painfully and sending his bowler hat rolling along the floor. A shoe stomps on his neck, and a hand grabs his arm and twists it up behind him painfully.*

Maybechild: "Don't ever do that again, you little rat!"

Otter: "Hey, come on, we're alone on this big ol' ship, we're trying to save the world, it's all dim and romanti--OW!"

Maybechild: "Say one more word and I break your arm! You hear me? One more bloody word!"

Mr. T: "Hey now, that ain't nice, foo'! Why you goin' hurt that po' boy?"

Otter: "Hey, get her offa me! I didn't do nothin'!"

Maybechild: "Mr. T! What are you doing here?"

Mr. T: "Whaddam I doin' here? Ah'm the cappin o' this here ship, foo'!"

*Maybe drops the Otter's arm and steps over his prone body.*

Maybe: "You're the captain of this ship? That doesn't make sense! Mr. T was never in Star Wars!"

Mr. T: "Whatchoo talkin' bout, foo'? I be the cappin o' this ship, ain't I?"

Maybe: "Of course! He's a plothole! Why didn't I think of that before?"

Mr. T: "Plotho'? Whatchoo talkin' bout, lady? I ain't be no plotho'!"

Otter: "Ugggh, my arm..."

Maybe: "So somewhere around here there must be more plotholes! Come on, Otter!"

*Maybe grabs Otter by the arm -- his hurt arm -- and drags him along as she steps quickly down the long and shiny metal corridor, looking for more plotholes.*

Mr. T: "Hey, where you goin'? I ain't done wich you yet! I be the cappin' o' this ship!"

*Mr. T runs after Maybechild and Otter. This is an intimidating sight, because Mr. T is a big man. Otter, being dragged backwards along the floor by Maybechild, sees him coming and screams like a little girl.*

Otter: "Aaaiiiieee! Don't let him step on me!"

*Just then, the hallway comes to an abrupt end. The two heroes, followed by Mr. T, enter a huge room, filled with blinking screens and red levers and other gizmos. The centre of the room is taken up largely by an enourmous High Tech Machine of some sort.*

Maybechild: "Wow! What is this place?"

Mr. T: "Hey, this thing ain't s'pose ta be on my ship! I'm gonna find the foo' who done this and beat his face in! I'm mad, an you don' want me mad! Rargh!"

Otter: "Excuse me, but did you just say 'Rargh'?"

Mr. T: "So what'f I did? Whatchoo gon' do 'bout it?"

Otter: "Eep! Nothing at all, Mr. T, sir!"

*Maybechild reads a small sign posted near the High Tech Machine.*

Maybe: "It says here that this is a High Tech Plothole Making Machine!"

Otter: "Ooh! I bet it makes plotholes!"

Mr. T: "You been dropped on yo' head too much, foo'? O' course that's what it do! Whadda you, stupid?"

Maybechild: "This must be what was making all those plotholes that we were sent to investigate! We need to destroy it!"

Mr. T: "How we gon' dee-stroy it? It be big, foo'!"

*The three heroes -- well, two heroes and one tough celebrity -- sit down to ponder that question. Actually, Otter was already laying on the floor, having been dragged there by Maybechild. So he sits up moreso than sits down. But you get the picture.*

_ _ _

*Meanwhile, Krig and Cooked Haggis are loitering outside the Evil Mattress Discounters factory warehouse store.*

CookedHaggis: "Call me crazy, old chap, but I'm feeling a mite apprehensive about entering this particular building."

Krig: "Krig agree with Haggis. Use might!"
CookedHaggis: "Now wait just a -- I say, I've just had a very strong sense of deja vu. Haven't we done all this before?"

Krig: "Krig has. Yep."

Haggis: "This will be the third time we've entered this store, won't it? I say, I've a bad feeling about all of this..."

Krig: "Maybe we stuck in space-time plothole loop."

Haggis: "By Jove, you've hit it square on! We are stuck in an infinite plot loop! Bloody brilliant, old chap!"

*Krig blushes.*

Haggis: "So, now, the question is, how do we get out of this bizarre loop?"

*Krig shrugs.*
Krig: "Maybe destroy plothole generatering machine over there."

Haggis: "What plothole generating machine? What are you talking about? Have you been eating things you find on the street again?"

*Krig points. Haggis looks. Across the street on the sidewalk is a High Tech Plothole Making Machine™.*

Haggis: "I say, that's bloody brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?"

*Krig shrugs.*

Haggis: "Now, how should we destroy such a machine? Perhaps some sort of electromagnetic pulse? But where would we get such a thing? I wonder..."

*While Haggis is wondering out loud, Krig runs over to the Machine. He takes out his axe and roars with rage and then smashes the Machine into little tiny pieces, then walks back to Haggis, chewing on one of the little tiny pieces.*

Haggis: "...or perhaps a sort of explosive device? But where would we attatch it? And where would we discover explosives? I say, it seems a bit far fetched, that, perhaps..."

Krig: "Krig go to Yemen. Haggis come too when done talky."

*Krig runs off, a stumpy little silloughette jogging into the sunset. After a moment, Haggis realises that the High Tech Plothole Making Machine™ has been destroyed, and pursues the Viking.*

Haggis: "I say old chap, wait for me!"

Amazing! There is plot development in this post! I didn't see that one coming! What next? A coherant storyline? Two writers posting in the same day? Will wonders never cease? Will Ford & Sem and Geb, Randy, & Losien find High Tech Plothole Making Machines™ in their quests too? How are Krig and Haggis going to find TVLTE in Yemen, if they're in the past and TVLTE is in the present? These questions and more probably won't be resolved next post, but I encourage you to keep reading! They have to answer them sometime, don't they? Well, technically, no. But it's worth a shot! Right? Oh, just bloody keep reading, you mindless fools. I'm not bloody paid enough for this.

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain


[This message has been edited by Krig_the_Viking (edited December 11, 2002).]

Within the FurbyCo. headquarters, Gebohq, Losien, Lt. Randy, and Kyle are sweeping the control floor, attempting to find something useful.

Lt. Randy: Look over there!

Geb: A plot-hole making machine!

Surprise-surprise.

Lt. Randy: How do we deactivate it?

Kyle: *already hooking his laptop to it* Ten steps ahead of you...

*Kyle completes a puzzle of numbers and stuff, and the machine shuts down.*

Los: This is one of those parts that is relatively more questionable to NeS, isn't it?

Geb: No, sis. This is the part that can only really be shown in [plug]NeS: The point-and-click adventure game![/plug]

Lt. Randy: Uh-huh.

Now go to Yemen!

Geb: You're not making this very suspenseful.

Yes, but I can not afford otherwise. The essence of NeS is at stake here. Go now, for Yemen may not be your last stop in this new threat.

Kyle: This is serious stuff, isn't it?

Geb: When the Narrator is straight-out telling us, yeah. *talks to his watch* Asa, come in. Come in Asa.

Lt. Randy: Geb...

Geb: Oh right. *pulls out a cellphone* Asa, come in.

Asa: Asa here, with the other NeS heroes of my time.

Geb: Meet us in Yemen.

Asa: Will do. Watch out for the aliens.

Geb: Aliens?

*A swarm of demi-god aliens made possible from the queen alien that incubated in Highemperor surround Geb, Los, Randy and Kyle.*

Los: This could be bad.

Meanwhile, in Pureevil's chamber-of-plotting...

Pureevil: Everything is going as planned, I think. So many things to keep track of...what the--Narrator? Be gone!

Ahhhh! The mimes! You can never silence me...

Ares: Hmm...to send in my clown army or not. So hard to decide...

*A biting wind threatened to tear Daleas' grip from the cliff, but he held fast. With inhuman strength, he continued his free climb of one of the Swiss Alps. It had taken a few hours, but he finally reached a place where the ground leveled off. As he climbed to this resting spot, Ante stood there, arms crossed, tapping his foot.*

Ante: You do realize there's a Gondola that comes up here. Your overly dramatic style is starting to affect our goal. I mean, thanks to you, it took us two months to travel from Austria to Switzerland. I can understand refusing to use public transportation like planes and trains, but we could have at least jacked a nice German sports car or something...

Dalaes (with a red glow in his eyes): Don't make me throw you off...

Ante: Fine. Whatever. We're here anyway, so let's go.

*Ante was wearing a rather large winter parka to protect from the cold of being high up on the Swiss Alps in the middle of winter. He'd had his hair shortened to shoulder length and picked up a pair of sunglasses with small circular lenses in order to try and throw off any would-be pursuers.*

*Ante now lifted a small hinged panel of stone and pressed a button behind it. Two large stone slabs slid inward, creating an opening into a hallway seemingly blasted out of the mountainside. Various steel pipes worked their way in and out of the stone walls. At the end of the hallway, a metal door with a keycode panel stood.*

Ante (walking in with Dalaes): This is one of my old workstations. I brought you here because it's since been abandoned, so neither my employees nor employer would be able to see us together.

Dalaes: And who is your employer...?

Ante: I'll... uh... get to that once we're inside. Now, what was the code for this door...

*As Ante stood trying to remember the code to open the door, Dalaes' short patience got the better of him. Using his sword, he placed a large diagonal slash across the door, then another one going the other direction. Then, with a powerful kick that seemed to make a moisture displacement around his foor (nsp: think jet going mach 1's wings), knocked the door in.*

Dalaes: I think that was the code.

Ante (dumbfounded): Uh... yeah. Ok. On we go, then.

*The inside of the old base was a mess. Rolling chairs had fallen over on their backs, computers and monitors were strewn about amongst a mess of papers. The rapid egress that had been seen in this place was apparent.*

Dalaes: So, why are we here again? Shouldn't we be going off to find whoever was behind the attack at the hotel?

Ante: Well, we need weapons... er... at least I need weapons. And I can probably get some information here as to what's going on.

Dalaes: Fine... but hurry.

Ante (walking over to a weapons cabinet): Oh, and we're going to have a chat, too.

Dalaes: Oh really.

Ante: Yes. If we're going to be working together, we should at least know each other a bit.

Ante (now checking his weapons): Alright... got the pistol-sized mini-rocket launcher... a specialized OSR (obligatory sniper rifle) custom fitted to my measurements... and, of course, the "experimental" lightclaymore (or lightclaymoreEX).

Dalaes: "Experimental"?

Ante: Yes, well, it never made it past the testing phase. Apparently the drastically lighter weight over your average claymore caused all our testers to cause self-amputations. There was even one self-decapitation... rather nasty. After that, we discontinued testing and went into researching various cybernetic prostheses...

*Antestarr then started to use a computer terminal.*

Ante: Allright... I've accessed the NeSHeroes website... and there's a message:

This Site Under Construction

Sorry guys, we've gone off time-travelling in order to try and stop some random plot-holeing. We'll update teh site when we get back. We promise!!

~GEb

Ante: Well, that about explains what's going on with them... Now to check one more thing. *Ante types in another URL* (reading)"Time paradox appears in Yemen"... things are starting to make a little more sense...

Dalaes: No they're not. You still haven't explained what happened back in Austria to me.

Ante: Right. Okay. Let me explain... Ours is not the only universe. While one would believe that parallel universes have no effect on one another, some do. Most notably to us is one universe known as the "Writer's Realm". It's a hard concept to grasp, but essentially there is a world that exists where people sit in an office and decide the outcomes of our very lives. Then there's the "Narrator's Realm", which is populated solely by entities who know everything about our situation and vocalize the actions we do. If I were to swing my arm like this, *Ante swings his arm.* a narrator would dictate it. I say "a" narrator, as there have been some... uh... substitutions once in a while.

Ante (cont.): Then there are plot holes. The normal plot hole, or "black" plot holes as some of us have dubbed them, are created by incongruities of writers. Thus, the random nature of the plot hole inserts or removes something, material or action-wise, that logically should not exist/happen. The "white" plot hole, however, has only recently been toyed with. The concept is to use a dimensional flux to create all possibilites centered around one point. However, the anomaly becomes so massive that it inherently destroys everything around it. That is what we witnessed in the hotel in Austria. However, those I work for, who we all thought to be the most technologially advanced corporation in existance, could only hold one in a field directly composed of black plot holes. The fact that someone out there can control white plot holes at will means that something is horribly amiss amongst the realms.

Dalaes: And just who do you work for.

Ante: Ok... just promise not to kill me until I've said my piece. I've been on the payroll of MegaloManiaCorp for several years now. I first ran into the "heroes" when they accidentally drew some slimes into my warehouse base just outside the solar system. At the time I was given a mission to achieve a new source of funds for the corporation. I wound up being the corporate contact within the heroes themselves, though I did eventually finish my prior mission by attaining the future profits of Microsoft... They let Gates stay on their payroll, though, because his incessant scheming spices things up.

Ante (cont.): Right now things aren't good, as MMC doesn't even have control of the situation. They've lost a direct foothold here, and while I'm sure that you don't want to help them, you can't deny that the world is at the hands of some enormous evil. I brought you here so they wouldn't take you, as you may yet be helpful in saving the future of our world.

Dalaes: I cannot condone working for MMC. I hate everything they stand for, everything they do. They created me, an abomination. What is wrong with the destruction of everything? What is wrong with the end?

Ante: I only give my allegiance to three things. The first is myself. The second is the writers. The final is a being whose sole purpose is to will our world into existance. They are the reason I would help such a questionable corporation. They are the reason that whatever is exerting control must be stopped.

Dalaes: I am a tainted being. I was once a human, true. Once a member of your world. But I was used as an experiment. MMC used DNA extracted from the demons they "acquired" while Microsoft had a portal to hell open to create me. Fortunately, I could get out before they infected me with the DNA of Pate. I seek redemption for my soul... how can I find it helping those who destroyed it?

Ante: You can start by doing this not for them, but for everyone in this world who deserves a chance to live their lives.

Dalaes: ... Just remember, I could take your head off at any time.

Ante: Well... try to save that for sometime after you've played hero.

*Antestarr and Dalaes boarded an automated helicopter. The helicopter started up as a hangar door opened in the side of the mountain. The destination: Yemen.*

(NSP: Because a Narrator asking questions to a cliffhanger will actually prove USEFUL here...)

Jumping Jalepenos! Will MegaloManiaCorp.'s involvement play a key role in the upcoming events? Does Ares' really still have his clown college, and if so, will he use it against Purevil's army of mimes? What will Purevil and The Very Last True Evil do when they confront our heroes in Yemen? Will they really confront each other in Yemen even? I wish I knew! So many questions to ask, so little time! Stay tuned, and here's hoping NeS lives on! I'd never thought I'd actually SAY that...

Testing 1 2 3

------------------
Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel!

OMQ HIGHEMP!!! welcome back dude...

Once again I find myself with a lot of catching up to do.

*Having just smashed up the High Tech Plothole Making Machine™, Krig and Haggis are a little way from the Evil Mattress Discounters factory warehouse store, and on their way to Yemen. Supposedly*

Haggis: "I say old bean, I don't mean to question your methods, but are you quite sure our current heading is correct for arriving in Yemen?"

*Krig shrugs*

Haggis: "...Right...and that doesn't strike you as a little how should we say...silly, that we don't know exactly where we're going?"

*Krig shrugs*

Haggis: "Ah. If course, if you were a little more articulate, and we could establish a proper dialogue, then this situation may be resolved in a more concise manner."

Krig: "Krig no like talky."

Haggis: *under his breath* "Yes well Haggis doesn't bloody well like Vikings but he has to live with it..."

*Krig turns and looks at him*

Haggis: *ahem* "Something caught in my throa *cough*"

*He pats his chest as if dislodging something*

Haggis: "Blasted roast chestnut went down the wrong way" *ahem*

Krig: "Food?"

Haggis: "Ah, yes, well, I seem to have finished them all. Darn it.
So, any thoughts on the travel situation."

*Krig points forward*

Haggis: "Ah, right we are then."

(NSP: Since I forgot to ask this before, and it bugs me, I want to know what the hell a "B.O.I.N.K." is. Perhaps someone can tell me

Until my next story post...)

B.U.M.P.!

Michael, to summarise what you need to catch up; I, the now-indestructible TVLTE (The Very Last True Evil) challenge you and whatever NeS allies you can muster to a battle for the fate of the thread, in the heart of civilisation; my self-appointed stronghold, Yemen.

A keen intellect will be required to defeat someone who cannot be harmed. But alas, my old friend and adversary, it appears you've come unarmed to a battle of wits...

ah, what the hey, I'll bring Galrek in and try to do something useful! ehm, relative to the actual storyline that is. here I come haggis!
----------
as krig and haggis head for yemen in near silence, they come upon a malfunctioning plot hole generator that appears to have been created by a misdirected plothole. as krig walks over to bash it to pieces, the machine seems to belch, and then make a try at inverting itself while generating a plot hole, the resulting explosion throws bits and pieces of unstable plot all over, and hurls krig head over heels backwards, as the smoke clears, the most unlikely person appears, his very existence causing things to go wrong and right and hurt themselves in the confusion.
Haggis:Galrek? I thought we lost you in a traveling sequence?
Galrek:"yes well, I decided I wanted to go do something. you'd be amazed what one learns when one passes through a writer's skull. I think the writer came out a bit deranged though. I actually know how to cancel out plot holes though! but when I do that, bad things happen to replace them."

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

ah, what the hey, I'll bring Galrek in and try to do something useful! ehm, relative to the actual storyline that is. here I come haggis!
----------
as krig and haggis head for yemen in near silence, they come upon a malfunctioning plot hole generator that appears to have been created by a misdirected plothole. as krig walks over to bash it to pieces, the machine seems to belch, and then make a try at inverting itself while generating a plot hole, the resulting explosion throws bits and pieces of unstable plot all over, and hurls krig head over heels backwards, as the smoke clears, the most unlikely person appears, his very existence causing things to go wrong and right and hurt themselves in the confusion.
Haggis:Galrek? I thought we lost you in a traveling sequence?
Galrek:"yes well, I decided I wanted to go do something. you'd be amazed what one learns when one passes through a writer's skull. I think the writer came out a bit deranged though. I actually know how to cancel out plot holes though! but when I do that, bad things happen to replace them."

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

NSP: Hey guys, sorry about my streak of non-postage, but now that finals are over with, I'll be posting a lot more often. In fact, I guarantee a post within 24 hours. Need to catch up and everything. Ohhh yeah, and though it currently doesn't need one....[/NSP]

B.U.M.P.

Standing in the midst of an alien horde, Geb, Lt. Randy, Kyle, and the rest of the group have been waylaid on their way to Yemen!

Geb: "Hey Randy, any idea how we're gonna get out of this one?"

Randy: "Just a sec..." *pulls out his copy of The Never-Ending Story: A Musical*
" Ohhhhh, once there was a fighter named Randy, his skills and his singing always was handy.
There also was Gebohq, whose name only rhymed with the word sock.
They were in a fine mess, surrounded by creatures, so Randy and Geb had fear on their features.
They ran off in a dust cloud, swearing they'd fight another day. They ran as fast as their legs allowed, away from that awful fray."

Gebohq: "Allright, I guess that answers that....RUN!!!!!"

.............

KKtW: "Uh oh....it looks like the sheer depth of incompetency shown in this post has shocked the narrator into speechlessness! Clear!"

* Ba-dump *

KKtW: "Clear!"

* Ba-dump *

Huh, what? I was having the most horrible dream... I was narrating for this story, and you were there, and these absolutely incompetent heroes were constantly...*looks around*...oh no...no....No, it can't be true, it's impossible!! *curls into a fetal position*

KKtW: "Well...uuhhhh...*cough*...Will the narrator ever recover? Will our heroes ever make it to Yemen? Will there ever be a real NES Musical? Find out next time on the Never-Ending Story: Yemen Bound! [fade out] bound, bound, bound. [/fade out]

TVLTE: Now, comrades, the world is mine! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA*cough*heh-heh-heh.....

*And let's face it; TVLTE was well within his rights to laugh. Alone and unassisted, he had invaded the demilitarised Yemen, and with nothing but his standard-issue silenced pistol and machete, had vanquished the combined forces of the world's armies. True, he was slightly aided by a strange paradox that could only occur in the NeS that prevented him from being killed. Now he slumped victoriously on the prestigious Throne of Yemen, a vaguely banana-shaped contraption with more booby trap systems and hidden weaponry than a Bond car.*

TVLTE: Now, let the final guardians approach; the NeS men! (and woman, should she decide to show)....Bah, where are they?! I'm tired of sitting on my hands...time to send them a little hurry-up present. Computer, list current NeS heroes in order of activity.

*Slowly, in a thick, undefinable accent, the computer rattles off a list of familiar names.*

Computer:...Prime threat: Tracer.

TVLTE: Tracer, eh? The name seems familiar, though I don't believe we've met. Computer, list arsenal, in order of most ironic.

*Top on the computer's list is the Anti-Tracer Tracer Bomb, a mortar-like device that can span entire continents, detonating next to the target and unleashing a hail of tracer bullets in every direction.*

TVLTE: Good...that will take out him and at least one more, prompting the rest into action. Deploy the Anti-Tracer Tracer!

*A banana-shaped missile is launched from the Yemen Palace. TVLTE presses another button on the handy throne, and from the floor emerges a metal slab, with the deceased TLTE on it.*

TVLTE: Curious...Life signs register nil, yet he continues to produce new cells and handle basic bodily functions. Computer?

Computer: Obviously, Time trying to repair its error by giving the NeS heroes a chance to revive him, thus making you vulnerable again.

TVLTE: Pffft, Time had its chance, the old geezer...if the NeS heroes come near me, I'll rip their noses off! And I'll just be getting warmed up....BWA-H

*But you get the idea. He laughs a bit more and we fade out. You've seen it a million times before. Hey, don't look like that. I'm doing you a favour here.*

NSP: (I have no idea what a boink is. Honestly.)

*As they flee the horrifying mutants, Geb and Randy happen upon a television store. Several sets of varying quality are stacked in the window, all showing the same picture. On each screen, a nattily dressed demon winds up his preamble to the coming program.*

Demon: "...and so, on behalf of all of us here at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, it is my great pleasure to wish you all a merry Christmas. Enjoy the show."

Bold Lettering: "NeS: The Christmas Special."

*The camera (that is to say the CBC Christmas camera, not the NeS camera) switches to an overhead view of Dickensonian London. The evening is cheerly offset by gas streetlamps, and a faint but steady stream of snow trickles down from above.*

Bold Lettering: "Brought to you by Canada."

*The camera zip-pans its way through the sky, descending thousands of feet in a matter of seconds.*

Bold Lettering: "And various fine Canadian corporations."

*Nearly at ground level, the camera slows and focusses on one individual weaving his way through the Christmas Eve crowds.*

Michael MacDickenson: "Christmas Eve. A time of gifts, kinship and merriment."

*Several laughing children skip down the street.*

Michael MacDickenson: "But in all the teeming millions, how many know the true meaning of Christmas?"

*A random penguin waddles by.*

Michael MacDickenson: "It's an intangible thing, that. The meaning of Christmas isn't so much known as it is experienced."

Penguin: "Honk!"

*Michael begins strolling down the street, his hands dug into his overcoat pockets. The penguin flaps its flippers a few times and then waddles after him.*

Michael MacDickenson: "As Christmas approaches, some may have that experience."

*Michael stops across the street from a Wal-Mart and looks knowingly at the camera, which rotates to face the Wal-Mart. A random snow monster runs screaming down the street and eats the penguin whole.*

Bratty Girl: "Mommy, look! It's Santa Claus!"

Obnoxious Lady: "You know very well that Santa isn't real."

Bratty Girl: "Yes he is! (pouts) He is he is he is!

Krig: "Excuse Krig, lady, but Krig perfectly real."

Obnoxious Lady: (hands on hips) "Stop it, you awful man. You're only going to confuse her."

Bratty Girl: "Really?"

Krig: "Krig Kris Kringle, Father Christmas. Krig the real McCoy."

Bratty Girl: "I knew it!"

Obnoxious Lady: (rolls her eyes) "Wonderful. Well, Santa, I hope you're quite pleased with yourself, spinning your lies to innocent children."

Krig: "Krig not lying. Krig live on North Pole and deliver presents to children."

Bratty Girl: "I want a house and a jeep and a pony -"

*Hundreds of penguins stampede into Wal-Mart. Always inquisitive, Krig reaches out an arm and snatches one from the herd.*

Penguin: "Honk."

Bratty Girl: "- And an airplane and - hey, you aren't listening. Mommy, he's not listening to me!"

Obnoxious Lady: "Good Lord, you've already drawn her in, the least you could do is pay attention to her so we can just leave and get on with it."

*Krig raises the penguin to his nose and sniffs.*

Krig: "Penguin smell nice."

Bratty Girl: "Mommy, why is Santa smelling the penguin?"

Obnoxious Lady: "Don't look sweetie! (to Krig) This is a disgrace! Do you hear me? A disgrace!"

*Krig takes a bite out of the penguin.*

Krig: "Penguin taste nice."

Bratty Girl: (Bursts into tears)

Obnoxious Lady: "Oh my word!"

Penguin: "Honk."

Krig: "Penguin taste resemble chicken taste."

Penguin: "Honk."

Obnoxious Lady: "That is it! We are leaving!"

*Krig munches on the penguin as the Obnoxious Lady takes her bratty daughter by the arm and stomps off.*

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited December 23, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited December 23, 2002).]

ROFL! that's good. that's really good. now if only we could get someone to do a real christmas special like that. oh well.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

Michael MacDickenson: "To Krig the Viking - the real Saint Nick, as fate would have it - Christmas meant penguins. And for that, we should applaud him."

*A nondescript figure in a trenchcoat stalks past Wal-Mart's front door, and the camera moves with him.*

Michael MacDickenson: "However, to others, Christmas was just cause for resentment and anger; not a time of brotherly love, but a time of seclusion."

Michael discreetly exits the scene as a Salvation Army Sergeant approaches the figure.*

Sergeant: "Merry Christmas, sir. I'm with the Salvation Army, and I was wondering if you'd care to make a donation to the less than fortunate this holiday season."

*The figure stops in his tracks and slowly turns around. He fixes the Sally Ann Guy with a withering glare.*

Sergeant: (gulps) "As I was saying, um, sir, if you could spare even the smallest -"

*The figure's arm shoots out, knocking the Sergeant to the cold ground.*

The Last True Evil The Christmas Humbug: "So, you would like for me to make a donation?"

*TLTECH reaches into his pocket and extracts a Russian Cloning Device, which he jams into the Sergeant's upper arm.*

Sergeant: (terrified scream)

TLTECH: "Well, in Soviet Russia, we donate you!?"

*TLTECH smoothly slips his Russian Cloning Device back into his coat as the Sergeant drifts into unconciousness, and continues to walk down the street, daring anybody to stop him.*

NSP: (My last post was intended as a sort-of Miracle on 34th Street parody. This one was the very beginning of A Christmas Carol, but if you get in before me, feel free to take it wherever you like.)

Meanwhile, Maybechild, The Otter, and Mr. T continue pondering on how to put an end to the workings of the High Tech Plot Hole Making Machine.

Maybechild: ...

Otter: ...

Mr. T: ...

Well don't just sit there! Think of something already!

Maybe: Stop harrasing us! We're trying to think!

Otter: I'm moreso still trying to recover. Same thing really.

*more silence*

Otter: Hey Mr. Narrator!

Hmmm?

Otter: What have the other guys done?

Maybe: He can't tell us! He's the Narrator! Besides, how do we even know there are other plot-hole making machines! Our communications with the Hall of Heroes has been down!

Well, Krig and Haggis destroyed theirs with Krig using his axe on it, and the one in the future was de-activated thanks to Kyle's use of his laptop.

*Maybechild is stunned. The Otter beams a smile at her.*

Maybe: Still doesn't help us out.

Well destroy the machine! Punch it or something!

Maybe: Hmm... Mr. T?

Mr. T; Whatcha want?

Maybe: Could you punch the High-Tech Plot Hole Making Machine REALLY hard?

Mr. T: I ain't gonna do no crazy thing like that! That be destruction of property!

Otter: Mr. T?

Mr. T: Whatcha want?

The Otter creates and throws a Vulcan's Flame at Mr. T, which simply makes Mr. T mad, causing him to try and punch The Otter. The Otter, having placed himself in the right position, ducks his punch, causing the machine to break.

Otter: And to think, I thought of the idea all by myself

Mr. T: Hey you foo'!

Otter: Huh?

Mr. T punches The Otter in the head, sending him to the floor.

Mr. T: That's for trickin' me!

Maybe: Good idea Otter, thanks

Otter: Sure thing...

Maybechild, The Otter, and Mr. T then use some undisclosed method to transport themselves from where they were to Yemen. Perhaps they used the Holy Reciever, or some clues they found earlier...who knows. It's boring, and not relevant to NeS. Besides, they can't be wasting time--go save NeS already, heroes!

(NSP: I may add to the holiday special that Tracer so beautifully started, but hopefully some of you other writers can add something since I'm not quite sure what to add

I also updated the status screen on page 29, FYI.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 26, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 26, 2002).]