(NSP: Teehee, I sure seem to have taken the crown of royalty for being the BUMP king these days. Make sure to check out this thread if you haven't already; it involves needed help with NeSi. Anywhos, here's throwing a potential monkey wrench in the thread. )

Sometime later, Maybechild knocks on the door to Gebohq's room.

Maybe: Gebohq!

*Gebohq answers the door.*

Geb: Yeah?

Maybe: What are you doing just sitting in your room? Scratch that, I don't want to know.

Geb: Is the world in peril and in need of our heroic actions?

Maybe: Well, not yet. But I think it will be. After that bit with TLTE and Kirby... well, don't you think something's up?

Geb: Up...?

Maybe: Geb! Ugh...

*Maybechild starts dragging Gebohq by the wrist to the main control room area.*

Maybe: We better start formulating a plan on how to defend ourselves from what's certainly going to be a large-scale attack.

Geb: Plan?

Maybe: We'll check up on the Update Status Screen to catch up on current events first, to see what we're up against. Then we'll need to equipt accordingly--

Geb: Why are we worrying about this again?

Maybe: Have you been brain-dead? The whole TLTE-Kirby incident not too long ago? They were after you, Geb. I have a funny feeling it was moreso by Kirby, if by some freak accident of morality-transfer from TLTE's previous darker side, but I don't know for sure. They're bound to come back here looking for you!

Geb: Well yeah, I knew about that. Galerk told me. Anyway, don't be silly. You know that this is the last place they'd look for me! You know, how when you're trying to find something, and you never look where it should be...

Maybe: What? You knew already?--look. The world is going to be in danger if we don't do something now.

Geb: Why not just let them come to us? It'd save a lot of effort. And you could continue your game.

Maybe: Dear Lord! The game can wait! How could you suggest such an idea?

Geb: You know, you used to be a lot less stressed out.

Maybe: Because I wasn't doing all the WORK at one point! You carelssly wander and get all the credit while some of us actually take the responsibility only to get ignored!

Geb: Since when did a hero mean getting attention? Are you OK...?

Maybe: You're not listening! I'm trying to tell you that we need to take action and you just want to sit around! GAAHHH!

*Maybechild notices something on the update screen and pull sup an image of Kirbynaut.*

Maybe: Holy David Bowie! Look at it! Kirby's coming after us like THAT! Please tell me you're not worried now.

Geb: It does remind me of a real nasty chewed-up bubble gum stuck under my desk once...

Maybe: THAT'S IT! For the good of us all, you need to go!

Geb: Huh?

*Pressing buttons and dials at random, Maybechild activates the Thingy and shoves Gebohq through it.*

Geb: YEAAAAAARGH! It hurts like craziness!

Maybe: ...and don't come back!

In a fit of anger and potential insanity, Maybechild has sent the beloved Gebohq through the Thingy, and with not having located a pre-determined point, he could appear in any place and even at any time! Will he be lost forever in some back-water storyline? Will this ignite the KirbyNaut's rage to hunt down Gebohq, or aid in their attempts to cause evalness? What will the other heroes do now to combat against the eval forces? Find out, here on the Never-ending Story Thread!

Jim the writer: So does anyone have a clue what's going on in the story right now?

Haggis the writer: Nope.

Sem the writer: Meh, like we ever know what's really going on in the thread...

Haggis the writer: Point.

JKirby the writer: Wheee! Eval plot! I need nachos...

--EDIT: Altered my post to make more sense with shade's post that went up while I was typing this one.--

(NSP: No, Geb doesn't have to go anywhere significant. Just figured it'd be fun )

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 12, 2003).]

*True to the utter insanity of events to date, Gebohq is about to teleport straight into the thick of the action, on a probability level of I don't have time to mince words or numbers. Suffice it to say, it's big. But first;*

----------------THE KISS---------------

"A friend is always good to have, but a lover's kiss is better than angels raining down on me."
-Dave Matthews

*First a brush of the lips, tentative, awed. Then, the physical link is joined and strengthened, as unbridled passion and emotion as pure as the finest crystal of snow intermingle and become as one. In short, TLTE and Losien kiss, and as kisses go, it's a bit of a cracker. When the fireworks above die down a bit, a silence that is no longer tense but merely anxious is began again.*

TLTE: Losien, if a kiss is the language of love, we have got an awful lot to talk about...

*The mood is suddenly broken by an all-too-familiar figure warping in loudly behind them. A dazed, sparking but none the worse for wear Gebohq staggers forward.*

Gebohq: When I get my hands on Maybe I'll...YEAAAH! TLTE! Unhand Losien!

TLTE: I-

*He is silenced by Gebohq's shoe to the face. Normally, TLTE's counter would be a deft counter to the sternum, but as this would be evil in his reformed mind, he casually flails violently backwards onto the grass.*

Losien: Geb, he-

Gebohq: Shh! He's likely injected a deadly virus through his kiss and loving touch that will disable rational thought! Hold still while I pound it out of him...

*And with that, he delivers a crescent-spinning-backflip kick to the hapless Russian. A tentative battle ensues...*

-------------------MEANWHILE!!!-------------

*A nearby ice cream vendor is watching the brawl with some interest. Suddenly, a pink goo overwhelms him, and his scream is lost in the KirbyNaut's girth.*

IcecreamvendorKirby: Let's go!

Prime Kirby: Indeed...

---------------JUST THEN!!!!!---------------

*Gebohq and TLTE trade blows in rapid chop-sockey fashion, Gebohq's aggressive suppression strategy counterpointing TLTE's desperately defensive schtick. Finally, just as the battle reaches the critical stage, where the blows start to hit home and retreat is no longer an option, a massive pink shadow overwhelms them.*

Gebohq: What the...

TLTE: Oh, borscht.

*With a sweeping stroke of its gargantuan arm, the KirbyNaut strikes TLTE and Gebohq with bone-crunching force, sending them flying through the crisp night air into identical park benches that shatter spectacularly.*

KirbyNaut: TWO POINTS!

*He advances on them, grasping them both in each hand, beginning to Kirbify them both...*

Losien: HIIIIIII-YAA!

*With a supercharged flying kick (no mean feat in such a dress), Losien cleaves a compact-young-woman-sized hole through the pink terror, imbalancing the infrastructure and toppling the KirbyNaut. All three heroes lie motionless from the assault.*

Losien: Oooohhhh...

TLTE: Talk about a Rocky first date!

*laugh track plays*

Gebohq: Is he dead?

*His question is deftly answered by the hundreds of aggravated Kirbys getting up, dusting themselves off, and getting ready to rumble.*

Gebohq: We can handle this.

TLTE: We're professionals.

Losien: But these heels...!

*The moment of choice, however, is gone. The Kirbys move in as our friendly NeS fighters strike poses...*

-----------IN THE 'REAL WORLD'--------------

*TLTETW, GebTW and LosienTW are hunched over their desks, scrabbling at scripts and storyboards.*

TLTETW: We need a top secret name for this multi-billion dollar fight scene so it can go uninhibited until its feature film debut in NeS: Refreshed!

LosienTW: Hmmm...something totally unrelated....'the burly brawl'?

GebohqTW: Nay! Say rather...

All: THE KIRBY BRAWL!!!

Egad! The Matrix influence you all knew was coming has hit you like a wet fish to the face! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to A) continue with this trend in the spirit of NeS parody or B) be an individual and run with your own idea! Find out the stunningly crafted impact of "The Kirby Brawl" same NeS-time, same NeS-channel!

JediKirby in fanciful diving manuvers pulls off a complete one eighty in mid air, landing in the center of the kirby's, he stands alert, and takes his glasses off. GebohqKirby and the massive KrigTheVikingKirby start plummeling the kirby's. JediKirby spins in slow motion, flailing his little pink body at the masses of kirby's, knocking them to the ground. JediKirby continues his ravage against the multiple kirbys. Just then, BobDoleKirby jumps up, consuming KrigTheVikingKirby, But instead of becoming KrigTheVikingBobDoleKirby, BobDoleKirby spit KrigTheVikingKirby out, but this time he had glasses, black ones, and he was all Eval... thus becoming EvalKrigTheVikingKirby!

TLTE Wholly Borsch!

JediKirby now has his saber out, flipping around all matrixy, he takes out a group of Kirby's. Amist all of the kirby's, stands one single Kirby. EvalKirby. The two kirbys exchange glares amist the rest of the kirbys, and battle begins. JediKirby jumps onto the tops of the kirbys, running across their tops he kicks EvalKirby upside the fluff, knocking him to the ground.

Meanwhile...

Gebohq Why don't I get to be 'The One'? Or at least my kirby counterpart. Instead JediKirby's the one, and my counterpart is getting his *** whopped. This sucks...

Losien Gebohq, can we go home?

TLTE Wha... but... Losien...

Is this it for Gebohq? Is he really going back home? Will we ever have any idea why the conclusive paragraph is in here when this is a NEVER ENDING STORY? Will Shade ever discover the enter key? Will we ever know why Ares chose to take the name from an already existing story? Find out, next time on The Never Ending Story...

[Edit]Fixed[/Edit]

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP

[This message has been edited by jEDIkIRBY (edited June 13, 2003).]

The End




------------------
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

*Millions of Kirbys battling one another for supremacy, an all-consuming mass constantly expanding...*

The scene dissolves into Jim7's secret evil base.

Jim7: "...Kirby continued replicating, until eventually his substance covered the entire globe. Life, as we know it, came to an end."

The Last True Evil: "Holy Borscht."

Jim7: "Wholly Borscht indeed, TLTE. Of course, you realize the moment in time when this particular path became inevitable? The moment when the Earth was completely and irrevocably doomed?"

The Last True Evil: "What are you suggesting?"

Jim7: "I'm suggesting that a relationship with Losien will mean the end of the world! If you become a love-sick puppy and spend your time drooling over some woman, who's going to keep the forces of evil in line? Who will keep the proverbial bad guys from rampaging out of control, I ask of you? Who?!"

The Last True Evil: "You could do it."

Jim7: "I'm drunk! And insane! And I love it!"

*Jim7 takes a swig of rum from his monogrammed flask.*

The Last True Evil: "That would explain your unusually exloquent phrasing..."

Jim7: "So you see, TLTE, you have a choice. You must make the critical decision to either control the Kirby menace, or allow the world to be consumed by a voracious monster and spend your final human hours in the warm embrace of the woman you love!"

The Last True Evil: "This is not an easy decision. I'll need some time to think about it."

Jim7: "Oh, by all means, think it about it. Contort your brain over the issue until the pressure becomes too much to bear! But decide quickly, before it becomes moot. If you need me, I'll be in the war room, monitering the situation."

*Jim7 wipes his mouth on his sleeve, and then drunkenly swaggers into the adjoining room, slamming the door behind him.*

The Last True Evil: "That's a broom closet."

Jim7: (muffled) "I don't care."

------------------
Schism.

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited June 14, 2003).]

(nice... very.. very... nice.)

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP

*TLTE is lying on a beautiful coastal beach, the gentle undulating tide contrasting the mental anguish of NeS' favourite Russian to date. Losien, wearing a floral bikini and not a whole lot else, slinks to him.

Losien: This Kirby was a friend of yours once?

TLTE: A fellow villain, yes.

Losien: And now he is your enemy and you will kill him. It's that simple.

TLTE: Losien-

Losien: What, you think I'm impressed? All your guns and Matrix-bullet-time and your slow-motion-aerial-killing, all for what? So you can be a hero?

TLTE: I'm...a fledgling hero. I kinda need all the-

Losien: All the heroes I know I've dated already. They were lousy in the sack!

*TLTE grabs her and kisses her. Losien slaps him, then kisses him back.*

Losien: It's a perfect sunset. Come back to the villa with me. We still have a few hours left of paradise before Kirby comes...

*A survival instinct borne of TLTE's nether regions attempts to hijack his brain, but is halted by honour. He deliberates, then slowly starts to speak, gazing out at the vermillion dusk.*

TLTE: I used to believe in the ideals of the motherland only. The principles of honour and love, the cornerstones of the world, were lost to me, "like teardrops in rain". I was as lost to the world as the idealistic people who founded it, founded it on ideals that I couldn't bear to look at for fear of losing my nerve. But something has happened, my love. The world is a colder place than I remember it. Somehow, I doubt in its future. But the heroes of the world have taught me that even if you don't believe in a happy ending, you should never stop trying to make it happen. We don't live forever, and in the end our actions, not our backgrounds, dictate how we will be remembered. There is still some hope for me, fallen angel though I am, and that is why I must leave you here, Losien to march to almost certain death...in hope of a better day.

*A single dramatic tear falls from his eye.*

Losien:...

*There is a brief, awed silence. Losien breaks it by kneeing TLTE in the groin. The resultant noise is more audible than TLTE's follow-up squeak.*

Losien: ****ing guys...

*She marches off, leaving TLTE's children's hopes of survival in almost as bad a state as the world's...*

Uh oh! The sweet delicate fruit of romance has been soured for the greater good! But will it be in vain? Who will come to TLTE's aid against the Kirby menace? And will the gift of salvation be enough to put him back in Losien's good books? Find out the answers by asking me nicely, or failing that, read the next NeS post!!!

having been neglected in the flashback by their writers, Ford and Maeve are still in the jail cell, however many years later we're at now. However, as Ford has been present in many NeS antics over the years, this creates something of an issue with continuity. anyway, that will be addressed soon enough...

Ford: something weird is going on...

Maeve: let me guess, the power of NeS doing something stupid and nonsensical?

Ford: perhaps. I think it's about time we got out of here

Maeve: yeah, I mean, we've only been here..what? ten years or so?

Ford: mhmm...now...how to escape...

Maeve: you know, seeing as all we did was take part in a raucous party, we really should have been released a long time ago.

Ford: shush, I'm thinking *mumbles to himself* now, if we remove that grating, and use the bedsheets to make a rope...

meanwhile, Maeve goes to see the guard

Maeve: excuse me, I believe it's about time we were allowed to leave, what with not having commited a serious crime or anything.

Guard: you're still here??!??! wow, we forgot about you a long time ago. what have you been surviving on?

Maeve: rats, mainly, occasionally we were lucky enough to get leftovers from the other prisoners. anyway, can we please go?

Guard: certainly. *opens the door*

Maeve: you coming Ford?

Ford, meanwhile, has created a complex system of ropes and pulleys and has just launched himself out the window of the jailcell

Maeve: I guess I'll meet him downstairs

-----

outside the jail

Ford: *panting heavily*..h-h-how did you get here?

Maeve: the stairs...seemed logical to me.

Ford: they let you out?

Maeve: yeah, turned out they'd forgotten about us, quite a waste of our youth, eh?

trying not to consider the truth of how much of his life he's missed, Ford moves on to trying to work out what the weird thing was that spurred them on to take this action

Ford: ok, we need to get to...I have no idea...why does this keep happening? it's like I have these memories, but I don't...

Maeve: um, ok... how about we go this way? *points*

Ford: sure

in true NeS coincidence stylee, they soon find themselves at the HoH, which Ford kinda recognises in a sort of alternate universe kinda way. they both go inside, and soon bump into the Ford that has been part of the NeS antics all this time.

OriginalFord: uuuuhhh....

AlternateFord: uuuuhhh....

OriginalFord: uuuuhhh....

AlternateFord: uuuuhhh....

Maeve: right, this isn't going anywhere fast. seeing as the entire world seems to have lost all logic since I met you Ford, I'm going to assume that this is some kind of paradox thingamajig, solvable only by a stupid random action.

OriginalFord: uuuuhhh....

AlternateFord: uuuuhhh....

while the two Fords keep uuuhhh....ing, Maeve walks behind them both and bangs their heads together. they both fall to the floor and pass out

Maeve: um, not sure if that was the desired effect or not

suddenly the air around the two Fords begins to wobble a bit, kinda like when heat rises of the road and everything goes blurry. the edges of the Fords fuzz and start blending together until only one Ford is left

Maeve: aha! I'm sure that's got to be a good thing.

Ford: ok, what the hell happened? I was just going to get something to drink...no I wasn't, I'd just escaped a jailcell...ok, what???

Maeve: I don't know, there were two of you, so I bashed you together and you became one, seemed to fit the NeS logic, from what you've told me..that is, what the you that has been in a jailcell for the past decade..I don't know what the other one's been doing

Ford: jail...other...NeS... something bad is happening

Maeve: why am I not surprised?

they rush off to find out what today's emergency is

------------------
<Kroko> From the useless trivia page: The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

Ford walks around in a haze, trying to piece his mind back together, using nothing but suare pegs and round holes. needless to say he was getting quite a headache.

Ford: Oy, i have quite a headache.

I said you needn't have said that.

Ford: Sorry, i wasn't paying attention. i have quite a headache.

Oy vey. When will these kids loirn? Anyway, Ford was looking for a wuiet place to lie down and have maybe a nice relaxing nap when he happened upon the broom closet currently occupied by Dr. Dormouse.

Ford: Oh, hello Dr. Dor. who are you?

Dr. Dor: but you just said my name...

Ford: Of course i did. why would i say your name? i've never even met you before.

Krig: Ford talk funny. He not look too good.

Dr.D: Indeed, Krig. Say, you look like you have quite a headache.


*groan*

Dr.D: thats quite enough out of you.

*chastened*

Dr.D: as i was about to say, i think i have just the thing.

Dr.D opens a drawer, pulling out a crazy straw. he then goes to one of the arrays of complicated chemical equipment that i couldnt dream of understanding, and twists a nozzle, sending a sluice of thick orange and chartruse liquid into a beaker. putting the crazy straw into it he hands it to Ford.

Dr.D: Here, drink this.

Ford: Sure thing Doc. What do you think i am, stupid? im not drinking your poison.

Ford takes a long sip, the thick ooze-like substance slowly advancing through the twists and turns, loops and whorls of the incredible crazy straw. once he has swallowed the first bit, he seems to realize what he's doing and throws the beaker, shattering the crazy straw.

DrD: ******, that was an antique.

Ford: Thanks Doc, i feel a little better. Serves you right you rotten...

Just then ford falls the the ground unconcious.

DrD: took him long enough. must have mismeasured somewhere...perhaps too much lime jell-o..

Krig: what in ugly drink?

DrD: what? oh, just a mickey finn, and some thickening orange and lime Jell-o. i knew he'd be coming, just not when. i was just going to give him a bowl full of it, its his favorite you see, but you know how wonkey time travel can be. no matter how precise you measure things you can almost be sure to be off by 15 minutes one way or th' other. anyway, just whipped it up a little too late. kind of sad, really. waste of a good half pound of sleeping pills.

Oh no! What has Dr. Dormouse done?! More importantly why did he do it? Can we ever expect Krig to talk in complete polysyllobic sentances? Find out some, if not all of these questions next time on The Neverending Headache!

------------------
may the farce be with you.

dear god, 45 pages? i'm suprised that the forum hasn't choked up yet lol

------------------
Memory believes before knowing remembers. Believes longer than recollects. Longer than knowing even wonders.

Council of 13

(OOC: W00t! Despite the Viking moving away from his beloved home - and more importantly, his beloved Internet - he continues to have access to the fabled World Wide Web! How, you ask? Well, that's a mystery. A mystery so mysterious it can only be explained by the wonders of public libraries...)

*Krig the Viking, Doctor Dormouse, and Maeve stand around Ford's unconcious body, none of them knowing quite what to say.*

Maeve: "So..."

*The group stands around silently. Krig burps.*

Krig: "Hello. Me Krig. Who you?"

Maeve: "Maeve."

*Krig nods. Silence resumes. Dr. Dor begins whispering conspiratorially to a nearby coat hanger.*

Maeve: "So, Doc, you're just going to leave Ford lying there, are you?"

Dr. Dor: "What? Oh, um... yes!"

Maeve: "So why did you drug him?"

Dr. Dor: "What? Oh, I'm sure I had a very good reason. Now if you'll excuse me, my friend Mr. Hanger here has told me something very important!"

*Dr. D rushes off into the depths of the closet. Krig and Maeve stand there, looking at Ford laying sprawled on the floor.*

Maeve: "I guess we should help him or something."

Krig: "He look heavy."

*Just then, the closet door opens and theOtter sticks his head in.*

Otter: "Gottagogottagogottago -- wait, this isn't the bathroom! Stupid HoH and it's stupid endless corridors..."

*TheOtter steps back into the hall, muttering to himself. Silence falls on the closet once again, save for Dr. Dor whispering to a coat hanger somewhere.*

Maeve: "So..."

*Krig reaches into his cloak pocket and pulls out a mug.*

Krig: "Lady like beer?"

Maeve: "I thought you'd never ask!"

As Krig and Maeve discover their shared appreciation for a frosted ale, and the good Doctor rambles on to a bit of twisted wire, whatever will happen to the rest of the world? Will TLTE's important life-or-death type emotional struggles result in him saving the world? Or will it just sort of happen by accident, like usual? Find out next time, only on the Never... Ending... Saaaaasquaaaaatch! I mean story.

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

As the beautiful blonde and the tiny viking drink their frothy beverages from tall mugs, Dr. Dor continues his conversation with Mr. Hangar.

Dr.D: I suppose if you put it that way, it could mean almost anything.

Mr.H: ...

Dr.D: Quite right. i'd never thought about it that way. but what if we use the Florgenlathel?

Mr.H: ...

DrD: Yes! Briliant! Simply brilliant! It all makes sense now! But how can we reverse it?

Mr.H: ...

Dr.D: hmmm...i see...

Mr.H: ...

Dr.D: Well, i guess we had better make sure, dont you agree?

Mr.H: ...

Dr.D: *chortles* You know, i've never met anyone quite like you...except for Billy *sniff*

Mr.H: ...

Dr.D: i'll have to leave you here im afraid, as i dont think you have the strength to get across the room. but really i must help the boy. you understand dont you?

Mr.H: ...

Dr.D: I knew i could rely on you.

Dr. Dormouse makes his way back to the unconcious hero, and the two sodden ones.

Dr.D: Here, you two! I need you to get this young man onto the table!

Maeve: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP

Dr.D: Hmf.

What is Dr. Dor planning to do with Ford? Will he ever get decent help? Is maeve ever going to sober up? Find out whenever we get around to it, i've got a date with a very attractive hangar! *madash*

------------------
Democrats: Like Bill Clinton, we think with our genitals. Republicans: Like Richard Nixon, we don't bother thinking.

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 23, 2003).]

*back in Jim7's secret evil base we see TLTE sitting in a chair with a bag of ice over his crushed manhood*

Jim7 exits the broom closet

TLTE: good to see you finally come out of the closet

Jim7 smacks TLTE with a mop

Jim7: shut up idiot!

TLTE: but-

Jim7: NO I WON'T LET YOU EVEN START TALKING

TLTE: ...

Jim7: and why am i drinking this crap

Jim7 throws the monogrammed flask out the window then reaches into his desk and retrieves a bottle of vodka from a drawer

Jim7: now back to business...

TLTE: eh?

Jim7: You will need some support on this mission you are about to accept.

TLTE: but i didn't sayi was-

Jim7: If you don't accept *snaps fingers* Tony here will give you no choice but to reconsider.

TLTE: So you are making me an offer i can't refuse?

Jim7: THAT'S MY LINE **** YOU!!!

TLTE: sorry...

Jim7: *hands TLTE a piece of paper with instructions* you are to go to the docks and pick up some supplies... and while your there tell give this to Vinny Sevenicci *hands TLTE a letter*

TLTE: o...k...

Jim7: and don't you dare read the letter or you'll be sleepin' with the fishes

TLTE: ...

Jim7: Tony, see that the man makes it to his car...

Tony leads TLTE out of the room

Jim7: that poor ******* will need more help than Vinny can offer...

Jim7 makes a phone call

Jim7: Angelo you fat pig is Jack back from his trip to Chicago?

Angelo: Jimmy... you never call how have you been

Jim7: Ok.. just been expanding my business to the NeS... so is Jack available I need his services...

Angelo: Yeah he just got back from the job I sent him on

Jim7: ok send him my way I'll give him the details when he gets here.

Angelo: Will do*click*

Jim7 hangs up the phone, stands up, and looks out the window...

Jim7: It begins....

WTF? What begins? What foul plot is afoot? Is it even a foul plot? What inspired this whole mafia-esque thing? Find out in the next exciting episode of*static*.... TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY...

------------------
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Lots of kirbys die...

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP

*Still at the Jim7 base...*

Jim7: "Ah, Jack. It's been too long."

Jack: "Likewise, Mr. 7. What can I do for you."

Jim7: "I have a matter that needs attending too, if you catch my drift."

Jack: "Name and location?"

*Jim7 smiles broadly and reclines in his puffy chair.*

Jim7: "I see you are still quick on the uptake, Jack. That's good, because this job is going to require all of your faculties."

*Jim slides a photograph across his desk to Jack.*

Jim7: "My estranged half-brother KyleKatarn7. I am normally content to merely not speak to him, but lately his organization has been...sniffing the wrong hydrant, so to speak. You get me?"

Jack: "If by sniffing the wrong hydrant you are in fact referring to milking the forbidden cow, then yes, I believe we have an understanding."

Jim7: "Indeed. Scrubbing the neighbour's linoleum, as it were."

Jack: "I see."

Jim7: "I must send a clear message to these miscreants - interference of this nature will not be tolerated! Find this KyleKatarn7 and purchase for him the proverbial whopper."

Jack: "Take him for a walk around the reservoir."

Jim7: "Dice his tomatoe."

Jack: "Introduce him to Big Bird."

Jim7: "Barter away his dancing skeleton."

Jack: "Tax his flaming chiwauwau."

Jim7: "Eat his pants."

Jack: "Dismantle his baby food."

*Long, uncomfortable silence.*

Jack: "I had best be going."

Jim7: "Good luck, Jack. Do me proud."

*Jack leaves.*

------------------
Schism.

Outside the Hall of Heroes...

* Fade in to the rugged good looks of Jack. Camera pulls back, revealing a large man in a classy business suit. He straightens it once, turns towards the camera, takes a swig of a well-placed can of Pepsi, gasps refreshingly, then walks in through the door. *

* Coming into an apparently empty, well-upholstered parlor, Jack takes a long look around, walks toward the giggling he hears behind a closet door. Cautiously opening it, he finds none other than Maeve and Krig, drunk off their ***es. *

Maeve: " *hic* Why hello there, care to join us?" *offers a mysterious hip-flask*

Jack: "Maybe later. I have some business to attend to. Do you, by chance, know of a KyleKatarn7?"

Maeve: "I 'unno. Ask da viking."

Jack: "Uhhh..allright. Sir, would you happen to know a KyleKatarn7 by any chance?"

Krig: *hic* "What you want with him?"

Jack: "I'm here to buy his whimsical goat, if you know what I mean.

* Krig and Maeve raise their eyebrows in drunken unison *

Jack: "...Uhhh...Cook his pineapple, if you catch my drift."

* Krig and Maeve look to each other in confusion. *

Jack: "I'm here to smack him upside the head with a trout."

Maeve: "Ohhh, Ohhhhh!! He's right down the hall, first door on the left, he's probably knee-deep in his mini-bar right now..."

Krig: "Mini-bar?! Nobo-*hic*-noobo-*hic*-nobody told Krig mini-bar here!"

* Krig dashes off ahead of Jack, making a desperate bid to reach the mini-bar before the approaching bloodbath completely ruins the precious alcohol. *

* Krig, coming across a locked door, proceeds with his version of subtlety to knock the door askew in his mad dash to save the alcohol. *

* Jack, finally reaching Kyle's room, pauses upon seeing the chaos of a viking utterly decimating a mini-bar and knocks politely on the door (which promptly falls off its hinges). *

* Kyle toasts with Krig, downs his drink, turns towards Jack... *

Kyle: "...Hello? Can I help you?"

Jack: "Perhaps...I'm here to kill you."

Kyle: "*drunken pause* I'm not sure I want to help you then..."

What will become of our beleagured hero? Obviously, somebody must save him, lest the entire story fall apart without him!--Wait a second...who wrote this?

* KK7 the Writer snickers. *

Ahem....Anyways, check out our next story, or we will send Jack to pop your kneecaps with a wet noodle. And if you think I'm kidding around, just ask Dor. He's duct-taped the white horse a few times, if you know what I mean.

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

Council of 14

"I am the signature virus! Copy me into your signature so that I can take over the world! Moohahahee!"

(OOC: Just curious, has anybody made a back up copy of the NES so that, if it does get large enough to mess up the forums, we'll be able to have at least some record of what's happened so far?)

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

Council of 14

"I am the signature virus! Copy me into your signature so that I can take over the world! Moohahahee!"

(NSP: You think ol' Geb wouldn't be saving NeS on his hard-drive? Silly Kyle...

On another note, if Kyle is Jim7's half-brother, does that make him a half-demon or something? Though I suppose we'd have to figure out how Satan had a mother and a father first...)

Ahhh yes, the story of KyleKatarn7 and Jim7 goes back a long long time, and it's quite complicated, so you better listen up!

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away...

* Camera fades in on a cratered battle ground. From all directions comes the sound of incoming pies and invisible anvils. Hasty defenses are erected: invisible walls, clown tents, anything and everything at hand. A lone clown kamikaze can be spotted, running towards a stronghold maintained by a squadron of mimes. An explosion of custard rocks the surroundings, obscuring the view of the stronghold, still standing, but barely. *

* Cut to a nearby hill where mimes and clowns of both sides are fighting melee battles, both sides desperately fighting to gain the upper hand. Zoom in on the leaders of the two groups, fighting with legendary skill and accuracy. *

They frequently taunt each other, neither scoring a direct hit. Dodging and darting, the clown heads up a nearby set of stairs, and, with a deft kick to the mime's head, sends the beret flying, revealing a beautiful young woman. Standing flabbergasted, the clown can barely avoid a counter-attack by the mime. A quick thrust and parry puts the mime on the defensive, and once again they are caught up in the conflict.

Several years pass, with their respect for each other's abilities growing with each encounter. Eventually, they fall in love, realize the futility of conflict, and get married, despite the opinions of their peers. In time, they have a child, and decide to name him Jim7. Why Jim7 you ask? Well, apparently, the clown's parents had been avid fans of George Costanza from Seinfeld, and, well...yeah. Eventually, the clown and mime are overwhelmed by the ostracism they experience, and divorce. They go their seperate ways, one going back into service, the other eventually settling down on the rebound, and thus was KyleKatarn7 born: half-brother to one who was born from what society considered an unholy alliance, but fully human in his own right. Kyle's father never talked about what had happened in those early days, and so, suspecting nothing of this past, Kyle grew into the hacker we all know and love today.

KK7tW: "I still say it would've been easier to just say Kyle was his own grandpa. With a screwed up family like that, how could Jim7 *not* be Kyle's half-brother?"

Quiet you, you're not the one in control here! Will Kyle be saved from Jack? Will TLTE successfully deliver the letter and pick up some supplies for Jim, or will he be swimming with the fishies, if you know what I mean? Will we ever find out what Dr. D has in store for the unconcious Ford? Will Otter ever find a bathroom in the labyrinth that is the Hall of Heroes? Will Losien ever find a guy who won't turn all goody-goody on her? Will the Kirbynaut ever be defeated? And what about that time machine, has anybody been able to keep track of that? For that matter, where's the rest of the heroes? Aren't they aware of the impending danger? Find out the answer to maybe one, if any of these questions, next time on the Never-Ending Story!!!

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

Council of 14

"I am the signature virus! Copy me into your signature so that I can take over the world! Moohahahee!"

*somewhere in the NeS rob is wandering around drunk left hand covering a cut on his forehead*

Rob stumbles up to an odd device

Rob: What's this?

while examining the strange object he finds a label

Rob: *reading out loud* time machine.... oh cool i gotta try it out...

suddenly something hits rob in the head knocking him out... a moment later he wakes up

Rob: Where the heck am i?

...

Rob: Hey! I see something shiny!

Rob enters the machine and presses the big red button labeled "big red button"

Rob: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

a bright light.... rob then finds himself zapped to the past... in the plothole... in Jim7's tent...

Rob: how exactly did you do that?

WHOA U-TURN WTF!?!?!?!

------------------
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Not
Using
Daft
Gimmicky
Epitomizations


I'm still here...just terribly, terribly confused...

------------------

I'm with CH...lost and confused in the sudden spin of plots inflicted upon me...combined with the recent ending of my leave...I'm stumped...sort of like Krig, but clueless.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

(NSP: Just so you all know, I edited certain posts that caused side-scrolling needed just to read the pages *specifically pages 8, 11, 26, 30, and 45.*)

Meanwhile...

*The Kirby battle between the forces of good and evil continues to rage in the park. Fires blaze across the landscape and pink puffy corpses litter the ground. In the matter of a few minutes, the once-beautiful park is reduced to a smoldering war zone.*

*Suddenly, in the midst of the carnage, Gebohq stumbles across a tiny, disgustingly adorable puppy. Being the good guy hero-type that he is, he naturally comes to its aid. Dodging enemy blows, he picks it up and reads the tag on its collar.*

Gebohq: "Sugar Dumpling, eh? This is certainly no place for a puppy like you, Sugar Dumping!"

AresKirby: "Hey! That's my dog! Give it over... I mean, Sugar Dumpling, ATTACK!"

*Death-rays explode from Sugar Dumpling's eyes randomly, splashing dozens of Kirbys with burning, melting death. Surprised, Gebohq drops the puppy, and to his horror the dog begins turning towards him, eyes still spraying beams of burning light.*

GebohqKirby: "Noooo! He must survive if the forces of good are to succeed!"

*GebohqKirby hurls himself in front of Gebohq, absorbing the devastating impact. He falls to the ground, blinking dazedly at the very large, very deadly hole in his torso. Gebohq drops to his knees, cradling his Kirby counterpart's head.*

GebohqKirby: "It was meant to be, Gebohq... you... you must defeat what is left of the Kirby menace... and then get to your friend KyleKatarn7, he is in great danger.... the future... is... is... in your hands."

*GebohqKirby's last words come as a whisper as his head slowly droops.*

*Gebohq turns towards AresKirby, a cold rage burning in his eyes.*

Gebohq: "You're mine, Senior Plow!"

AresKirby: "Uh-oh."


[This message has been edited by Wuss (edited June 23, 2003).]

(my first ever NSP!
firstly - Geb, you rule!!! *kisses for Gebbit*
secondly - Wuss, I don't know if it's cos I've just woken up or simply that I'm the most soppy pathetic person ever, but I have tears in my eyes...beautiful man!)

------------------
rise up in the cafeteria and stab them with your plastic forks!

*TLTE arrives in a conspicuous-looking taxi in the middle of a very bland and grey looking docks. The spymaster fits right in, his black trenchcoat morphing him into the shadows and handily allowing him to dodge paying the fine.*

Disgruntled Driver: **** commies...

*For a while, TLTE stumbles aimlessly, wishing he had asked Jim7 exactly where it was he was meant to retreive the supplies and deliver the letter to 'Vinny', though he doubts he could have extracted much from the aimless drunk.*

TLTE: This isn't right...I have to save the world...prove I'm a good g-

*Suddenly, and not too expectedly, he blinks out of existence. He reappears several moments later in a cyperpunk technological hub, contrasted only by the fine mahogany table that his captor is sitting behind. Decked out in a black suit with white tie, the smoke from his cigar blending with that from his tommygun, it is unmistakebly Vinny.*

TLTE: You...I have a letter for you.

Vinny: A pretence, a fabricated illusion designed only to deliver you to my domain. Welcome, TLTE...I've been waiting for a very long time.

*He smiles, and only then does TLTE realise that his cultured, educated voice not only fails to uphold the Mafia schtick; it all but destroys it. A dim light seems to go on at the back of TLTE's brain, though why or how is irrelevant...yet.*

Vinny: Though you do not know it, this conversation has been held several times over in several formats, so the question you are about to ask has, like quantum theory, already been eventuated in every possible circumstance.

TLTE: You...do know that English is my second language, right?

Vinny: *a smile* My apologies. After all, you're not here to think, are you? You are here, TLTE, to fulfill a subjective irony...you are here to ensure your failure.

*A videoscreen rises from the mahogany desk. The armaggeddon of the park is displayed clearly. Several sub-screens depict the events and battles of the day; the death of GebohqKirby the most recent. Suddenly, the screen unifies into one, and TLTE watches Gebohq slam into AresKirby and his bodyguard, swaying them but not toppling them*

TLTE: Geb...

Vinny: He battles now to substitute for your absence, an eventuality catalysed by your infatuation for...Losien, is it? Indeed; love is the last vestige of eternity shared between two, yet it served no purpose here bu to save me from acting sooner.

TLTE: Who are you? What is all this? Why-

Vinny: -do I want you to fail? The answer is simpler than you think.

*On the screen, TLTE is beginning to notice Gebohq's rage falter. AresKirby, leading the entire Kirby mass which now numbers in the hundreds, pummels him with a rain of pink blows, making the NeS legend look like the unlucky participant in a malicious cartoon. Suddenly, the screen cuts away, and TLTE is staring at himself.*

Vinny: You, TLTE, are the source of a replicating human virus designed to latch onto a certain profile and destroy it utterly. Your entire existence has been bred to bring you to this point, where a pre-ordained choice is required to be made by you.

TLTE: Replicating human virus...my clones?

*The videoscreen shows the hundreds of thousands of TLTE clones; The Last True Hot Dog Vendor, The Last True Bubble Gum Fanatic and The Last True Casserole Chef foremost among the crowd.*

Vinny: You and your clones were woven of the finest genetic tissue to singularly latch onto internet storyboards and destroy them utterly. The story of your life is manifold; suffice it to say, were you not around internet stories would now have established a monopoly on the world's fiction and destabilised the economy, bringing about a new world order. Though that is not the primary reason for the destruction of the NeS, it certainly does put you morally in the clear, as it were.

TLTE: But I-I love this thread!

Vinny: Clever, but you only take into account the most recent of your history. Have you not, until the latest story plot, conspired constantly to utterly annihlate this thread and everyone in it?

TLTE: Well, yes, but-

Vinny: This is why.

*A bleak, clinical lab is portrayed on the screen. Thousands of TLTEs are in a state of what could be called mass-production; it appears as if computer chips are being painfully wired into their brain.*

Vinny: A failsafe; should you ever decide to turn good, and abandon the bid to destroy the thread, every single other TLTE will automatically become a vehicle of destruction, wreaking havoc on this world unlike anything seen before.

*He leans forward in his chair, grinning insanely.*

Vinny: However. It would appear that the antics of this thread will destroy itself before you or your brethren could. All that was needed now was to...restrain you.

TLTE: Jim7...did this deliberately?

Vinny: No. The fool was easy to delude. Some mind-control drugs in his brew and-

Jim7: I HEARD THAT! *hic*

*The man himself crashes through the air vent above them, landing on the mahogany desk and exploding the videoscreen under him. Vinny is momentarily distracted, giving TLTE a bare moment to rip the tommygun from his hands and point it back at him. Jim7, having saved the day unwittingly, is fast asleep.*

TLTE: I'm going to save this thread, and then I'm coming back for you. But before I go, I have to know; what would motivate you to destroy such a thread like this?

*Vinny laughs coldly, pulling up his coat-sleeves. On his upper arm there is a tattoo of an infinity symbol, with a violently drawn cross through it.*

Vinny: There is always an opposition to right, TLTE...as you yourself should know.

*TLTE eyes him with apprehension and disgust, then against his better judgement leaves to save Gebohq...*

(NSP: Forgive the lack of humour, I just needed to etch out the plot twist )

*In the Hall of Heroes, a rather large, motley group of assorted heroic-types lounges around in front of a giant television monitor. Rather than displaying the current status of the various NeS Heroes, the monitor is displaying Die Hard 4.*

*Just then, Otter stumbles back into the room.*

Lt. Randy: "Find the bathroom?"

Otter: "Um... yes!"

Cooked Haggis: "I say, where did Mr. Gebohq get off to?"

Galvatron: "Probably went to get doughnuts."

*There is silence for a moment as the others consider this. On the big giant screen, Bruce Willis blows stuff up.*

Haggis: "Yes, you're probably right."

Will Geb survive the Kirby Onslaught? Will TLTE save the NeS? Will Janitor Bob ever discover that theOtter did not, in fact, find the bathroom? What will happen then? All these things and several completely unrelated and unexpected items also, next time here in the NeS!

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

*Back at the Hall of Drunkards...*

Jack: (draws a gun) "Your brother sends his regards, Kyle."

Kyle: "What brother?"

Jack: "Why, the other Mr. 7, of course."

Kyle: "There is no 'other Mr. 7.'"

Jack: "Yes there is."

Kyle: "No there isn't."

Jack: "Um, there is. I just spoke to him."

Kyle: "Look, do I need to pull out the phone book?"

*Remembering his job, Jack levels the gun at Kyle.*

Jack: "No Kyle, you need to pull out some death."

Kyle: "That doesn't make any sense."

*Suddenly, the door is kicked off its hinges and a barrage of lead tears into Jack.*

MaybeChild: "Everybody alright?"

*Kyle glances down at the bloody mess.*

Kyle: "I'm fine, but he probably needs medical attention...like maybe a cast...or some CPR..."

MaybeChild: "I was speaking rhetorically. To show my utter disdain for your inability to protect yourself from hired assassins."

Kyle: "Oh...well, that was nice of you...I think..."

MaybeChild: "Next time, less alcohol, more heroics."

*The sound of a million panes of glass shattering rises up from somewhere within the Hall of Heroes.*

MaybeChild: "I'm coming down there, and believe you me it is going to be trouble if people are swinging from the chandilier!"

*MaybeChild slaps another clip into her Uzi and heads downstairs, and nearly smacks into Janitor Bob as he enters the room.*

Janitor Bob: "Sounded like we might have a bit of a mess on our hands here."

*Janitor Bob sets up his bucket and begins mopping the dead body.*

Janitor Bob: "And, if you don't mind me saying so, maybe a more personal dilemma? Such as a long, lost sibling?"

Kyle: "How did you know?!"

Janitor Bob: "Custodial work gives one a unique perspective on the human condition. You get to know people through their messes."

Kyle: "Really."

Janitor Bob: "Yup. I probably know the heroes and villians of this world better than they know themselves. And if I know you - which I do - you're wrestling over the moral implications of taking a leave of absence to search for this brother or sister."

Kyle: "Yes, I -"

Janitor Bob: "Go for it. Morality went out the door when Geb kicked a cute little poodle back in '86."

Kyle: "He kicked a poodle?"

*Bob returns to his mopping.*

Janitor Bob: "Long story."

*Following the body language, Kyle makes to leave. However, Janitor Bob raises warning hand.*

Janitor Bob: "Take the fire escape."

Kyle: "Why?"

Janitor Bob: "It's four-thirty; Otter will have just gone on a bathroom run, and I get the feeling he didn't make it."

*Kyle nods, and clambers out the window.*

(NSP: Crap...Almost had a perfect post.)

------------------
Schism.

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited June 24, 2003).]

I'm starting to get interested in joining the NES, but I would like to know the recent timeline. Mainly to answer these questions:
What's up with the Kirby's?
Who/What is TLTE?
Who are the main charecters? (bios for each would be great...)


------------------
Blue Moon Jedi Mercenaries: Book 0
Writers: Me and Delphian.
Accepting replacement writer for roadmaster103. Go to topic for details.

---------------------
| mikeyman wuz here |
---------------------

*back at Jim7's base Jack walks into the main office*

Jim7: Jack, you look like hell... what happened?

Jack: He had a heavily armed bodyguard.

Jim7: Well you're lucky you had the bullet proof vest with the fake blood.

Jack: I'm glad I was a Boy Scout

Jim7: Yes, one of the most important lessons ever... how to start a fire with just about anything... oh and "be prepared"

Jack: You want me to try again?

Jim7: NO... KyleKatarn7 is no longer a problem for me... Vinny Sevenicci however...

Jack: I thought you and Vinny were business partners...

Jim7: Well he stepped over the line he did the unthinkable... he disrespected me.. he disrespected the family... you know what to do

Jack: by tomorrow Vinny Sevenicci will have to learn to breathe the crap in the river that passes for water

Jim7: good... now go... take care of Vinny's little problem

------------------
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

(NSP: Welcome mikeyman, to the NeS! I look forward to embarking on adventures with you...

To help you post accurately, I'll describe my character, The Last True Evil. He is a tall, Russian spy, adept in weaponry and espionage. For secret purposes, a veritable army of TLTE clones are positioned around the globe, going about their jobs...if you live in the NeS world, you have more than likely met a TLTE clone. More to the point, he has long been the most charismatic enemy of the NeS (though with colleagues like Ares and Darkside, the competition is somewhat lacking) and has frequently almost destroyed the thread, spouting paper-thin reasons that no one really believed.

Recently, however, he has turned over a new leaf, both denouncing his evil ways and embarking on a love affair with Losien, the belle of the NeS ball (although now competing with mavispoo ). He has been persecuted by ex-enemies who rather than see the new man that he has become, would rather shoot first and get Janitor Bob in to mop it up later.

Most recently, TLTE has come face to face with the mot dangerous enemy yet; the Kirby plague. Spreading like a virus over the beloved NeS world, only he - aided by the ever-ready leader of the NeS heroes, Gebohq - can stop them. An errand for supplies has led him to 'Vinny', a mysterious figure who has revealed TLTE's entire existence as a means to annihlate the NeS and all within it.

Anxious to find out more about his heritage, pursue his love for Losien and save the ambushed Gebohq from the Kirbys, TLTE now races to the arena of choice, a harmless city park...but there, the fate of us all will be decided, and TLTE will never again be the same...

DUM DUM DUM! I know, such is the life of a NeS character! So come on down, mikeyman, and help the NeS out...)

[NSP]
Some info for my character....

Jim7 is Satan... he is "on vacation" he likes his vodka and his sex, drugs, and rock & roll... also he seems to be connected with the mafia for some reason.... essentially he is evil... but he isn't one of the "bad guys" he also hates Ares for smashing up his go-kart
[/NSP]

------------------
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

(NSP: Well, I went searching, and it appears I've found my original description of KK7. Here ya go:

As a side note, I guess I'll go with Kyle Katarn the Hero (KK the Hero and KKtH will also be fine), not to be confused with Kyle Katarn the mercenary. I don't quite have a bio on him cause never had a reason to...I'm guessing 5'7", mood ring hair (shifts to whatever color he wants), rather thin, and looks just like a slicer from Star Wars: pale as if he hasn't seen light other than that from a computer in many years, occasional mutterings of "my precious" to his datapad, and his waist sports a holster for his datapad. Instead of fighting his way through trouble like the mercenary, KKtH prefers to hang back and calculate strategics and tactics, waiting for the moment to use his literal and figurative weapon of choice: the datapad, and a few nasty surprises hard-wired into his datapad (completely non-lethal...think the mad scientist from Mystery Men), including a duct-tape dispenser, a laser with three settings: Bug the bad guy, Incapacitate bad guy, and Ouchies, he's gonna feel that in the morning (default is Bug the bad guy), and to make a long story short, his datapad is basically a swiss army datapad. That's all I can think of right now.

Oh yeah, and his hair is usually set to a nice normal blondish red.

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

Council of 14

"I am the signature virus! Copy me into your signature so that I can take over the world! Moohahahee!"

(NSP: Hey mikeyman! First off, I hope your story will pick up off the ground some day, but I'll just let you know now that even the wisest of us writers have difficulty getting new threads started, so don't feel too bad

As for NeS, a good rule of thumb for "picking up" on NeS usually is to read the last two pages (if you want, you can go through the whole thread, but its not a pre-requisite). That way, you can pick up on the general spirit of the story, which is often more fun than... er... funny From there, if you want to introduce a character, just make sure to describe/introduce such a character in good detail and post away!

As for your questions, I think TLTE and Jim7 did a great job, but just to fill in some gaps that otherwise might be itching your curiosity:

~JediKirby was, at one point, a sort of "backstage techie" of the NeS crew, making sure things ran smoothly and whatnot. However, recently, Kirby ate TLTE out of a reflexive urge to protect Gebohq and, in the process, most likely absorbed some of TLTE's evil tendancies. From there, Kirby has plotted, like so many other villians, to take over the world, end NeS, etc. etc.

As for bios, I think the only other ones you REALLY need are Gebohq and Losien. You can find what you need to know about Geb under the "bios" section of NeS Illustrated. As for Losien, she is Geb's sister and, though quite attractive and talented in her own ways, more often than not lacks a good self-image.

One day, my story posts will outnumber my NSP's, but until then...)

Yes, there are 45 B.U.M.P.!'s there.



(P.S. You can also find out when you registered as a member of Massassi! Go find out here:

http://www.massassi.net/etc/memberslist.txt

I'm number #128!)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 25, 2003).]

NeS Chapter Umpteen: The Departure of The Last True Evil

(NSP: Time for a surprise.)

*The park. Quite appropriately, the evil evening has reached its darkest black. A dozen police cars are laying helter-skelter, some overturned, some severely damaged, all totally vacant of life.*

Gebohq: NnnnnnnnyyyyyAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH]hhhhhhh!!!

*Gebohq's fist shakes hard enough to spark, punching a Kirby so hard his face implodes. He leaps onto a police car, time slowing down as he spins, two uzis out and firing at the advancing KirbyMass. AresKirby leaps from the horde, kicking Gebohq onto the bonnet and beginning to throttle him...*

Losien: HANDS OFF MY BROTHER!

*The legend-ess herself, still clad in the floral bikini for our sake, dispatches AresKirby with a kick that sends him spinning into the pink crowd, temporarily halting them.*

Gebohq: Run! Runnnn!!!

*They leap backwards over the car, searching for an exit to the hellish arena, but none are evident. Back to back, the siblings prepare for what will undoubtedly be their last stand...*

Gebohq: Where are the heroes when I need them? They owe me!

Losien: Are you kidding? You owe every one of them money!!

Gebohq: Well, financing artists for NeSi is NOT FOR PROFIT!!!

*Their squabbling is cut short by the realisation that the Kirbymass has them surrounded. Suddenly, the Kirbys fall into hushed whispering, all of them seeming to agree to something. In unison, they start to hum at such a high pitch, the beleaguered heroes think their heads will explode...*

!BANG!

*Suddenly, all of the Kirbys merge into one. It is unmistakeably...*

jediKirby: Didja miss me?!?!

Losien: You idiot! Look at all this destruction you've wreaked! And for what?

jediKirby: It's not my fault, sweetie...you see, when I merged with TLTE, I had the good fortune of 'eating' all of his negative tendencies...greed, anger, the desire to dominate the world...

Losien: How adorable, my TLTE is faultless!

*She gazes at the sky, clutching her heart.*

jediKirby: True, but sorry to say, I'm now twice as bad as he used to be. It's strange, I...I feel like I must destroy this thread and all life on it...funny, huh?

Gebohq: Hilarious.

*Quick as a rattlesnake, he throws an open-handed punch at jediKirby, determined to end the conflict with a single blow, but all of the Kirbys' strength and speed is in the singular evil entity now. He easily dodges and punishes Geb with a devastating snap-kick to the ribs. Geb flies backwards, tumbling to a rest at Losien's elegant feet. Taking out her hair-pins, Losien pockets them deliberately.*

Losien: You're outta here.

*She launches herself at jediKirby, with a flurry of punches and kicks that would have utterly destroyed any other, but he simply blocks her at every point, and pushes her hard with both hands, sending her falling to Gebohq.*

jediKirby: I think I'll start my annihlation with you two...

*He pulls out a devilish red lightsaber and ignites it, drawing it back.*

TLTE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*The Russian spy leaps out from nowhere and fires Vinny's tommygun, launching a barrage of bullets at jediKirby, who melts them all with his spinning lightsaber. Kirby grains maniacally at him.*

jediKirby: How very fitting that you are here, TLTE. Here to witness me complete that which you have failed to do so many times-

*But with that,Gebohq tackles him from behind, and the two wrestle on the ground for the lightsaber. TLTE races to Losien, who is dazed but very much alive.*

TLTE: Any ideas?

Losien: None...he's too strong now...too evil!

TLTE: ******, I am The Last True Evil! I should be able to defeat him!

Losien: No no, don't think like that...we've come so far...just think about the love we had. That at least was worth it...

TLTE: 'The love we had'...

Losien: What?

TLTE: Maybe...a token from my love...it could...

*He suddenly feels through Losien's pockets, grabs something, and then draws her to him, embracing in a kiss potent with finality.*

TLTE: I love you. NeS quirkiness be damned.

*Then, aborting perhaps the only emotionally meaningful moment NeS history will ever have to endure, he rushes to end the conflict...*

*Meanwhile, Gebohq has succeeded in dislodging the lightsaber from jediKirby's hand, but the uber-villain is now intent on squeezing the life from Geb.*

jediKirby: Your death will cement the end of the NeS...goodbye, my writer king!

*Just as the life starts to fade from Gebohq's eyes, TLTE slams jediKirby, sending them both tumbling away from Geb. The two of them battle it out briefly, but jediKirby is far too skilled now, and counters a kick to the head by grabbing TLTE's leg and spinning him around, gaining momentum before sending him crashing into a tree, tumbling the great oak. TLTE struggles to his feet-*

*-just as jediKirby grasps him, pushing him against a neighbouring tree and pressing cold steel into his chest.*

jediKirby: On the bright side, TLTE, we got a chance to have a little heart-to-heart before the end...

*Gebohq, squinting painfully from his vantage point on the ground, watches as, at the critical moment, when jediKirby thumbs on his lightsaber and a red flash of light perforates TLTE, the Russian brings his own hand across to jediKirby.*

TLTE: How...very fitting.

*He collapses, a gaping hole in his abdomen. jediKirby, looking very shocked indeed, gazes down at Losien's hairpin, which is embedded deep in his heart. Making a guttural sound, he sinks to his knees.*

Gebohq: TLTE...

*He and Losien rush over to the shade of the tree, under which TLTE lies. Despite being mortally wounded, his face is almost happy.*

TLTE: I...I think it...will work out now.

*With a shaking hand, he points to jediKirby. A vague, undefinable blackness is seeping out of the wound in Kirby's heart. It fills them all with disgust just to look at it. TLTE's negative energy finishes seeping out, then fades into the air. Kirby, looking much better, pulls out Losien's hairpin and promptly falls unconscious.*

*Gebohq reaches to close TLTE's wound, but he gently resists.*

TLTE: No point...my life is...done. Besides....better to...die...a hero, right?

*He smiles, weakly. Losien looks down, a bitter smile on her lips. Gebohq, however, is far more troubled, bracing the fallen man's head.*

Gebohq: TLTE, this can't be right...you're dying! You're an NeS hero now, you can't die! That's how it goes!

Losien: He was a villain, Gebohq. This final act makes him a hero in death...

TLTE: I barely...scraped in...but I did.

*He smiles faintly. The firsts strands of dawn's golden light plays through the shady tree. TLTE gazes out on it, forcing himself to speak strongly.*

TLTE: Farewell, NeS heroes! I...go now to reside where characters are never-ending, like the stories they inhabit....I bid you goodbye...

*And with that, his head slumps. The scene fades; Gebohq and Losien, tearful and sombre, rest next to the fallen hero, certain of a better day. The Last True Evil? Maybe in life. But in death, the man was a hero of epic proportions, one sure to live on in the memory of those that survive him...*

Didn't expect that, did you? No, this is not a bid for attention or praise; believe that TLTE is indeed dead, his memory just that. Will he return in another form? It's possible, not certain...we will see! Be certain, however, that The Last True Evil the Writer will continue to write for NeS until the end of time...so signing off now (but perhaps not forevermore), TLTE!

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited July 09, 2003).]

(NSP: Egad! That ruled! Go TLTE! W00t!

Um... ahem. As for you, New Guy, we welcome you to the fold. Just remember that your soul now belongs to the NeS for all eternity, and you'll be fine.

PS: Go to the top of page 29 for a list of all the major characters and their current locations. Geb does a pretty good job keeping it updated, so it's pretty much in sync with the latest posts.)

*In London's famed clocktower, Big Ben, lies a secret base for the world's last line of defence: the Heroes of NeS. In the Hall of Heroes there are many winding corridors, but they're mostly empty. This is because almost the entire mass of Heroes -- Galvatron, Maybechild, Semievil, Michael MacLongname, MZZT, Gettleburger, Amy Green, Highemperor, JorBo, Cooked Haggis, Phantom Master, Sarn Cardrill, Spasm, Taz, TX3_Gandalf, Wuss, Fluffy, Galrek the Neutral, Masetto, Tracer, Lt. Randy, and last but not least the Otter, are all gathered in the Primary Control Room, watching Die Hard 4 on the giant computer screen that's supposed to be showing vital information like the current status of the world's Heroes and Villians. Had they been doing their job, they would have known that the fate of the entire world had just been decided by a hairpin -- but they weren't, and they didn't.

Into this mass of humanity, sprawled about on various sofas and armchairs strewn about from the last party they had there, strides the world's only known Custodial Hero, Janitor Bob, continuing on his unending quest to keep the world clean, starting with the Hall of Heroes. A noble ideal, but not a particularly possible one. J-Bob, seeing a speck of dirt on the giant monitor, whips out his holstered bottle of Windex and sets to work. The world's finest Heroes are not pleased.*

theOtter: "Hey! Get out of the way! I can't see Bruce Willis blow stuff up if your head is in the way!"

Maybechild: "We really should be watching Tears of the Sun. We've seen this one like six times already."

Otter: "Hey, lady, it's not my fault I can't get the tape out of the VCR!"

Semievil: "If only you would listen to good sense and use duct tape to solve the problem. Duct tape fixes all."

*Meanwhile, in a closet somewhere in the depths of the winding corridors of the Hall of Heroes, long-haired Ford is stretched out on a table, comatose, while slightly mad Doctor Dormouse mumbles to himself nearby. Standing by the table are a short, hairy Viking and a hot but rather drunk chick, known as Krig the Viking and Maeve, respectively.*

Maeve: "What was in thish shtuff, anywhayss?"

Krig: "Krig get ale from Vinland. Very tasty. Krig like."

*Just then, Ford wakes up.*

Ford: "Ow, my head. What's going on? Why am I lying here? And who put my hand in a bowl of warm water?"

*Maeve looks away innocently. Krig stares blankly at the wall. Doctor Dor leaps up with an exclamation of surprise.*

Dr. Dor: "Ahah! You're awake! It worked!"

Ford: "What worked?"

Dr. Dor: "Now that is a good question. I will look into it! Billy! Billy, where are you? I must fetch my beaker!"

Why has Ford awakened? Where will this little closet plot end up? Is TLTE really dead? Does NeS really have a new writer? Stay tuned for some of these questions and others! Thank you and good night!



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"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

In the Closet Basement Lab.

Dr. Dor: *Fiddles with some knobs and whirly thingys* hmm...*hands Ford a tubey thing* Stick this in your ear.

Ford: What? why? Sure thing Doc, i trust you. *Ford puts it in his ear, subsequently takes it out and stares at it blankly, and sticks it back in* When did you finally get here doc? Where did you all come from? hey is that b33r? *reaches for Krigs ale*

Krig: No. Good ale. not *struggling with 1337sp34k*b-b-b33r. Have swig. you see.

Maeve: yesh..*hic* ish good schtuff...youre kina sezzzzzzzzzzy you know that?

Ford: *swigs* Guh! i gave up drinking ages ago. GOOD B33R! W00t!

Dr.D: *looking at a screen* its just as i suspected...here let me show you.*flips a switch* Hang about a bit Mr. Sir, this will be a little uncomfortable at first.

Ford grimaces until his face finally relaxes into a blank stare. there is a loud whir as a projection screen lowers next to fords head. a light comes out of ford's ear, splaying on the screen. on it there appear to be twho shadowpuppets.

Dr.D: Now what you see here are two brains. im afraid maeve, that when you knocked Fords' heads together, both his mentalities were merged into one space, yet kept their individual traits. the one you see on the right..*indicates a a shadow puppet that looks to have glasses on and is consulting some monumentous tome* is Ford the Hero's mind. this one*indicates the other, which appears to be drinking beer and reading shadowpuppet-pr0n* is Ford the College Student's mind.

as if on cue, the beer drinking shadowpuppet turns towards the other, noticing it for the first time. it appears to yell something at the bookwormish puppet. an argument ensues, and a grand shadowpuppet fight to the death begins.

Dr.D: NOO! this wasnt supposed to happen! not this soon!

Ford: *grabs a mug of Ale taking a large pull* BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!

Maeve: *giggles insanely*

elsewhere, in a tower in new york

TLTTelevisionExec: Thats right...Good...Right. Now i want you to get to work on Survivor 3.14: The Brooklyn Slum adventure...no i dont care what it takes...you're to do what you're told, or you'll very soon find yourself in a lot of hot water. *slams phone down, shattering the reciever* ******. *buzzes his secretary* get me another **** phone, kira.

Kira: *intercomish voice* yes sir...Mr. Exec...a mr Phil Driver is here to see you.

TLTTVE: *Sighs* send him in.

Phil the Ugo Driver steps through the impressive oak doors a little timidly, looking about taking in the expensive tastes of the TV Exec.

TLTTVE: Well?

Phil: He's dead.

TLTTVE: Excellent.

Oh no! why is Phil working for a TLTE clone? what is TLTTVE plotting? What is going on with Ford's brain? will Dr. Dor be able to save Ford the Hero in time? Find out whenever i bloody say so! MWA HA HA HA ha...*cough* erm...ta.

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Democrats: Like Bill Clinton, we think with our genitals. Republicans: Like Richard Nixon, we don't bother thinking.

hey krig! you have access to massassi! does this mean we can look forward to another installment of NeSI? please?!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

*back at the docks Vinny Sevenicci is returning to his office*

Vinny: WHAT THE...WHO ARE YOU?

Jack, who is sitting at Vinny's desk, looks up and speaks.

Jack: I was sent to give you a message.

Vinny: What message... from who?

Jack: Jim7 wants me to tell you "Your monkey has thrown it's last turd."

Vinny: huh?

Jack: The dog has urinated on your sandwich

Vinny gags and spits

Vinny: I thought it tasted funny.... anyway WHAT MESSAGE

Jack: This message... Jack raises the pistol he was hiding under Vinny's desk and puts one bullet through Vinny's head

Vinny: dies

*back in Jim7's office Jim is standing by his window looking towards the docks*

Jim7: It is done... Vinny's monkey flings poo no more

Tony: Jack killed him?

Jim7: gah why must you ruin my fun Tony... nevermind yes.. Vinny is dead...

Well that rat has ate his last piece of cheese

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Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

(NSP: While Krig still has internet access via his local library, he does not have access where he is living at the moment, nor does he have access to such resources needed to continue doing NeSI strips at this time. Much sadness indeed.

While I hope Krig will be able to draw strips again soon, we're still hoping to enlist another artist to fill in for his place and to possibly help out when he returns to do NeSI strips. So far though, we haven't had too much luck, not with the Uncle Geb coloring contest at least. Hopefully NeSI will be back on track soon enough

For now though, a special announcement from the spooky taco.)

spooky taco: Wraa.

*The spooky taco leaves.*

(...or not.)

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Check out the following stories over at the Interactive Story Board:
The Never-ending Story Thread or visit the new webcomic version!
The Vision Cycle series
Featured Story: Image-native Kicks

Quest into new worlds or question the deep parts (and not so deep parts) of life at Merlin's Citadel!